Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and depression

How should I move forward?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:13:04 -0800

The New Year is approaching and I need some guidance on how to move forward with my life. I’m 27, male, straight, and British. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, kissed one person, and had one sexual partner. That relationship lasted from age 14 to 23 and included some long-distance time, and several years of living together and studying at the same university. Since then I’ve been completely single (no dates, no kisses etc), and I’ve also been socially isolated (no friends, unstable employment). I’ve also been depressed at varying levels of severity for who knows how long (the first serious episode being around 2004). I’m currently studying part-time, employed part-time, am trying anti-depressants, and am living with my parents.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat less depressed (though still moderately so), much more capable, and somewhat less socially anxious. I also have a few regular acquaintances through my studies (not friends by any means, but nice acquaintances). Also, I’ve gradually been becoming more interested in girls again. Specifically, I’ve been missing the intimacy (emotional and physical) of being in a relationship and have been feeling romantically wistful, lonely even. I rarely, if ever, receive any flirtatious signals from women and it’s clear that if I’m ever to meet someone I’ll have to take a more active approach than I ever have before. Things being as they are, I’d like to do this as gradually and tentatively as possible (in order to take care of myself as well as possible, and to work through my anxieties). My previous relationship taught me a lot of things, but I’ve changed so much in the last few years that in many ways I’m a very different person now. There’s little from that time in my life that can tell me how to move forward now.

In terms of my personal qualities, I’m essentially a good and kind person, quiet-natured, soft-hearted, and shy. Obviously, I have some problems, but I have a lot of good qualities as well. I’m a little arty, a little literary, a little pop-culturey, a little geeky, have a really good sense of humour, and people tell me I’m very intelligent. In person I think I come across as a fairly confident and capable, if rather quiet, man. I tend to keep people at a distance and I find it difficult to open up to others, perhaps for fear of rejection or negative judgement. I tend to crush easily on girls but have difficulty interacting with people whom I’m attracted towards.

Anyway, I’m sorry for writing so much and if my writing voice annoys you (as it does me), but if you have anything to say that might help me I’d be very grateful. It’s hard to boil this down to a specific question, so maybe we could start with these. Please try to read between them as much as possible.

- How should I begin working towards meeting women?
- How should I cope with my anxiety when interacting with women?
- How should I deal with my sexual and social inexperience?
- If you have been in a similar position to me, what has happened since?
- How do people make friends?
- How is it possible to open up to someone when talking, writing, or any form of personal expression feels like a distorted compression of the inner consciousness? (That sounds so pretentious – I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.)
- If you’ve been depressed or anxious for some time, tell me about the steps you took socially and romantically as you moved towards wellness.

Thank you so much.
(disposable: itoocannotthinkofausername@googlemail.com)

PS: I know - therapy, therapy, therapy! Maybe in the Spring.

Is it depression and am I making it worse?

brisquette — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:10:57 -0800

Every night that he comes home and winds up browsing the internet for hours, I feel like I'm going to scream. Am I a nagging worrywort, is my boyfriend mildly depressed, or both? And what's the best way to work on it? My boyfriend (Charles) and I have lived together for about two and half years, since he moved to this state. We were thick as thieves to begin with, but as our relationship nicely mellowed we became more okay with not spending all of our time together. However, way back in January we had a discussion about how he needs to reach out and find his own community of some sort. He then had some dramatic medication-related mental health issues that pushed that goal to a back burner while we tangled with the craziness, but around middle of summer stuff felt like it was back to normal, and the lack of friends and interests became an issue.

I feel like Charles doesn't have any friends, really. There's one guy (Joe) who he chats with sometimes who shares a similar background (computer stuff, history, online gaming), but that guy has a freelance sort of web business and I get the impression that they could be closer buddies if Joe wasn't so busy.

I think part of the not-having-friends thing is rooted deeper in a lack of interests. Recently, it seems like unless I make something happen (plan dinner, arrange events), he won't do anything except be on the computer. I'm pretty sure he doesn't play WOW or anything anymore, and it's just random browsing and searches that he uses as a path of least resistance to his evenings.

The last couple of things we did with other people didn't seem to go that well. We went to a large dinner last weekend, and although I know he's not as chatty as I am, even when we were in a circle of three people whose conversation showed them to be funny, nerdy, and non-judgemental, Charles' answers to their questions were flat and monosyllabic, almost. A couple of friends we've hung out with several times were over at our house, and as one of them fixed our guitar (which Charles has talked about learning), Charles sat on the couch in the room, browsing the internet. Later, when our friend offered to teach him a chord, Charles said he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

It seems like it's rooted in a mild depression. He had a really bad experience with a psychiatrist and depression meds, so maybe that's why he doesn't want to admit it?

I just feel like he's not trying anymore. I brought it up a couple weeks ago when we were out (the only people tucked in the side room of a bar), and as I kept asking questions about what he wants to do and what he feels, he wound up getting totally upset and standing up and having a kind of aggressive freakout because I wouldn't let it drop. He was apologetic later and said he'd work on things, but hasn't shown too many signs of following up on the conversation. I've sent several e-mails where I've tried to outline things and not be too accusatory, so I'm not in his face as much and so it gives him time to think about it, but he hasn't responded to those.

When we wake up together in the mornings, he's usually sweet and loving, but by the time he gets home in the evening, or when I come home in the evening, he's usually withdrawn. I asked him about the difference between the two times, and he says he really only looks forward to going to bed, and why do I bother him so much? He only wants to do easy things, other stuff is too hard.

So that kind of sounds like depression, right? But I'm sure it can't help if I just nag about it and make him feel bad. But I'm sick and tired of going through ups and downs, especially when he denies that it's an issue.

The other night, I basically gave him three options.
1.) Move out in January and do his own lazy thing (we wouldn't need to be broken up, neccessarily, he just would need his own space to be in because he's driving me nuts).
2.) Agree there's a problem and set accountable behaviors for us to work on (me giving him space, him getting out of the house), and going though the Feel Good Handbook together.
3.) Agreeing there's a problem but that neither of us have the right tools to solve it, and calling in either a professional or someone we both respect to figure out how to solve things.

He hasn't responded yet.

I'm 26, he's 23. I'm relatively happy where I am (decent job, fledgling creative endeavors that seem to be going good places, pleasant enough rented home), he mostly seems lackluster and like he doesn't care about anything...except sometimes, on the days where he does care about things. Unfortunately it seems like caring about things needs follow through, so when you only care 2 days out of the week, it makes plans difficult.

So am I handling this right? What else should be happening, here? Is it fair to be this annoyed at someone who's probably depressed, because their constant web browsing and withdrawnness is bringing me down when I'm trying to work on my own creative projects and live a normal life? If he agrees to work on things, what should our parameters be?

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? (sorry, long)

Anonymous — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:27:33 -0800

How can I help my girlfriend who's coming out of depression, without going out of my mind? My significant other is dealing with pretty serious depression, and is, by her account, slowly getting better.
We've been seeing each other for several years, starting as we both were finishing college. She moved home afterward to deal with other medical problems (exacerbated by the depression) and she is currently looking for jobs (kind of. See below).
We've been doing the long distance thing for about two years now, seeing each other for usually a week at a time, every month or month and a half. We've lived together overseas for a few months, about a year and a half ago. Currently, she's working part time at a retail job as part of her getting-better program to feel-like-a-real-person. (Overwork was a major factor in the depression)

Now, she's "looking for jobs", except, after several months, she hasn't really started. She gets panic attacks, anxiety, etc, and shuts down for a few days or a week.
She's seeing a few different doctors (psychologist/physiologist), but is very careful with medication after being put in the hospital with bad combos that exacerbated life-long nasty migraines.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting really frustrated.
She's told me that one of the things that frustrates/stresses her is that she feels that if she doesn't have "progress" to report, then she's failed me, and she's failed us. (on top of her own frustration with "failing" herself.)
Conversely, if I avoid asking how the job-hunt is going, she's pointed out that she's not stupid, knows it's foremost on my mind, and feels guilty for dancing around the subject... aaaand pressured for not achieving tangible progress.

I can't lie and say that being together is not important to me-- after two years of long-distance (the last year of which has been filled with "I'm ready to get my job and move to your city"), I want to be with her... and she's said, pretty constantly, that she wants to be with me. I want to reach a compromise, 'cause it's pretty painful to hear about bad days/setbacks... but be unable to do anything other than say "I'm sorry to hear that" over the phone.

She is unwilling to move here without having her Real job (the one she studied for, busted her ass at university to graduate top at one of the best schools in the country, the one that two years ago had companies lined up at her door... and the schooling for which drove her to work too hard, depression, etc).

On the one hand, I'm trying very hard to be supportive- to listen when she has a bad day, and not ask questions/point out the long-term ramifications for us about another day/week/month of no progress. I really do rejoice in the little things-- when she's had a good day at her retail-job, or worked in the garden, etc.

I love that we both keep coming back to "I want to be with you, I wish you could be here" and that doesn't die when we're around each other (even when we lived together before, or I was in her city for several months, etc).

On the other hand, all I have are words. I trust her-- implicitly, but at the same time, it's hard to ignore the logic of "Well, if you want to so much... just do it."

I don't understand what she means when she says "I wanted to do X today, but felt wimpy." or, "I wanted to do X today, but I couldn't get started."
... to my mind, it's a relatively simple issue-- if you want to do something (simple things, like write an email to a prospective job, check your voicemail, etc), you ... just do it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I realize that some of these issues are facets of depression. But it pretty well sucks to be a part of her life part-time.
How do I stay supportive-- and does anyone have any suggestions?

I mean, we've thought of her moving here. (That's what we both want. It's far and away the best city for both of us job-wise. She spent 4 years here at school. I just got an awesome job a few months ago after a year of looking. Her concerns: she must be self sufficient, and if she moved down here to do a part-time job, like she's doing now up there, she wouldn't actually ever pursue her Real Job... (she insists that moving to a new city requires adaptation, etc ... my argument that when I moved to hers, it wasn't a problem, and I'd never been there before. To my mind, "my" city isn't a new one for her. She's just been absent for two years.) To her, it's a "All I have to do is start looking for the job"... but she's scared stiff... and scared translates into stalled.

I move up there-- which she's told me would make things far worse (her living at home would become far more awkward, she'd feel, in her words, "responsible for forcing you away from my great new job, your school (I'm getting a second degree) and place that you live, and making you come live where all you have is me... which would put even more pressure on me and raise the stakes where I'm already failing to begin with!" (For the record, I love living in random new places. But can't argue with the logic that says quitting my new job and school is a bad idea. ... though it'd be, in my mind, absolutely worth it.)

We've thought of somewhere random. "We could move to Nome, Alaska..." ... both of us hated the idea. So there's a start.

I know that relationships are about compromise; I've tried to point out that I am willing, and very eager to compromise, but our latest read on the situation is that there's no middle-ground-- her coming soon would be against what she feels she needs for her-self/sanity, and my just sitting here waiting for her to wake up one morning and get something done... is asinine, and one of the few things I _really_ find difficult to keep doing-- watching her try the same thing of "Maybe it'll be better tomorrow" for months at a time goes against every fiber of my being. If it's not working try something different..
I know I can't help everything. I know I can't fix everything, and that a lot of this is stuff she needs to do for herself... but at the same time, I want to be an active, supportive part of her life... and not just... on hold.
Followup/further questions to throwaway11001001@gmail.com

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me...

cobain_angel — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:57 -0800

Help me go back to being a happy girl. Here it goes. This may get long, so please bear with me.

I'd always been a very bright and cheerful person who pretty much walked through the pains of life with a smile on my face. I was always convinced that anything I'd need from life I would get by means of working hard to get it. To me, nothing was impossible. This attitude about life took me through a stressful childhood (alcoholism, abuse), a move to a different country (the US), learning the new language (English!) in six months or so, and dealing with complicated situations at home (same situations as childhood). I was always eccentric (a good friend of mine referred to me once as "insane, but in a good way"), artistic, and willing to try all sorts of new things. Two years ago I met a wonderful young man and we embarked in what has truly been the best relationship I have ever had.
All of this changed last summer. I was preparing to go to a college I'd been wanting to go to for a while. I got accepted and so did my boyfriend. We were ecstatic and everything was ready. However, due to a completely unexpected problem with banking bureaucracy over in Mexico (my home country) I was left unable to attend the college I wanted. This shattered my confidence; for the first time, I was forced to face the fact that there were some things that I just was unable to change. I was able to pull myself together well enough to register for the city's community college in time, while my boyfriend would attend "our" college by himself three hours away. I was completely devastated, and felt betrayed by my boyfriend. Though he was sad, it was an exciting experience for him. I felt abandoned and needed him very much, but also understood that going to college was important and that he wasn't abandoning me. He was as supportive as he could and made sure that I always had an outlet to my frustrations. We talked every day, and tried to keep things as happy as we could without stifling any emotions.
As the months passed, I went from being the girl described above to being a lonely, sad person. I stopped trying out new things and enjoying the things I used to love before. I went from not having enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to spending afternoons sitting on my couch doing nothing at all. My muses for painting, drawing, writing and crafting went dead. Even though my boyfriend visited practically every week, I stopped being the affectionate, fiery girlfriend I used to be and barely even kissed or touched my boyfriend; our sex lives pretty much disappeared. I felt unable to take on any relatively big tasks, feeling that I wasn't in control of my life. The only thing that I was able to do well was keep my grades up.
Now the school year is over and my boyfriend is back from college. He found it disappointing and regrets it, no doubt in part because of me. Our relationship feels damaged. We don't fight, and we are still very loving and caring with each other. But he misses the girlfriend he left behind. I am very sad with the way I have become, but I have no idea of what to do to go back to being the same girl I used to be. What can I do?

How can I comfort myself instead of leaning on my stressed-out boyfriend?

bubukaba — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 11:58:00 -0800

Help! My boyfriend/roommate has less time for me than he used to, and now I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship with insecurity and anxiety. Help me deal with this without being crazy and treating my already-stressed boyfriend badly. I met my fella last summer, when he moved into my commune-like apartment (we're mostly college students, and there are several of us living here full time, plus assorted friends and vagabonds sleeping on the couches every so often). He moved in because he'd lived here in the past, was part of our social group, and because he was starting up a little business nearby and had been crashing at our place more or less every night for a month or so anyway after staying at the store late working on the space. I was already seeing someone else, but he was overseas for the summer and though I didn't really notice current-fella at first, I eventually found myself feeling uncontrollably drawn to cuddle up with him. And so it started.

After a week or two of cuddling and sleeping together in the evenings, we started actually sleeping together - and it was great! He was sufficiently rough and adventurous and it was just lovely. We had lots of great sex, snuggled up together almost every night, and didn't talk too much about where things were going. It was around this time that he formally moved in - which meant putting a bunch of bookshelves of his belongings in a corner of the living room and calling one of the couches his bed - but at this point he always slept with me, so that didn't seem to matter.

It wasn't all rosy - even though we spent lots of time together (aside from evening cuddles, mostly in the form of long trips to the hardware store for building supplies) - I was kind of anxious about the fact that we rarely talked. I joke these days that our early dates consisted of "going to the hardware store and not talking to each other". Basically, I felt like I was getting to know him and falling in love with him - or something - without any real exchange of words or confirmation that he felt anything similar (aside from the fact that he kept asking me to go to the hardware store with him!) I always felt like I was chasing him - waiting around for him, hoping he'd come home, heart jumping a little bit when I heard the front door open because it might be him, and so on. I still feel this way, most of the time. But I've historically tended toward anxiety and obsession in my relationships, and at the time it generally seemed less consuming in this one than in others.

He also made things clear at the beginning that he wasn't going to be monogamous. I was basically fine with that, though I've historically been pretty vanilla in that respect - but I've slept around more than he has since our thing started (he's only slept with other people in my company). Our place is the center of a large and pretty bohemian social group, so this wasn't that unusual. I've actually found the whole non-monogamy thing pretty liberating - I used to spend a lot of time worrying about being attracted to other people or falling in love with other people, and now I don't. But I do get a little jealous when he's affectionate with his ex, who's part of our social group and who I felt awkward around even before I knew she'd dated him.

So for the first five or six months, I was maybe a little uneasy but basically happy. And I was particularly happy because I wasn't being faced with any weird co-dependent relationship drama - I'd had some trouble with that kind of thing in the past (both on my end and from my partners). But me and current-fella would cook each other dinner, wash each other's dishes, and generally co-exist happily and without too much blazing intensity. Nice quiet domestic romance, from my perspective.

Now things are completely different. I seem to have become a completely insecure wreck, and I'm worried that I'm going to ruin things. And while I know that things will probably turn out for the best even if we break up, etc. I still want to see if I can just stop acting like a nut and keep things afloat.

Here's how this phase began:

At a certain point, some time in mid-January, he started seeming a little agitated about being "stuck". He'd tease me occasionally about being his girlfriend (and I'd always say, "I'm not your girlfriend!" - though eventually I agreed that I guessed I was his girlfriend - I don't know why I had such a thing about it), and he made some remark at some point along the lines of, "how'd things get so serious with us?" And he'd talk about being stuck with me, and more importantly stuck with the store (which at this point was beginning to take up much more of his time and was a considerable source of financial stress). We weren't sure if our lease on the apartment was going to be renewed, and he talked apparently half-alarmedly, half-pleasedly about us looking for an apartment together and moving there with some of the other roommates.

(Historical note: he grew up traveling a good deal and since college has traveled a lot himself - and he's definitely missing the freedom of movement he's lost as a result of his business debt).

By February, the store was stressing him out even more. He even broke out in a rash at a certain point, which we theorized was stress related. He stopped taking care of household stuff in the apartment, like washing dishes (though he'd traditionally been my ally in harassing the other roommates to wash their dishes). And he started sleeping with me (in either sense) less and less.

(Historical note: he's told me that he's long had problems getting up in the morning, and that it's much harder for him to get up if he's sleeping with someone - so he wants to sleep alone ostensibly because it'll make it easier for him to get up in the morning. But back when we were always sleeping together, in the early days of the store, he'd often have to get up even earlier - around 5am sometimes - and though he did often oversleep, he still slept with me...)

For some reason, not going to sleep with him completely freaks me out. At first I'd cry myself to sleep, and then avoid talking about it with him, hoping things would straighten themselves out on their own. But they didn't - currently he sleeps with me maybe two nights a week. He works at the store 5-13 hours a day 5-7 days a week, and often ends up working on store stuff or doing freelance work on the side - or just reading to destress - until late at night. When he does this, he's completely inaccessible - in another world, basically. We rarely go anywhere or do anything together, he seems to dread going to work, and I feel wrenchingly lonely, neglected, and as if talking to him about it will only make everything worse because it'll stress him out more.

But unfortunately, I talk to him anyway. It started one night when I decided that I couldn't stand being so sad when I tried to go to sleep alone. I went to him - he was on the couch in his "room" - and told him I was sad about being alone and asked if he'd come sleep with me. He refused, but I persisted and cried a bit and eventually he semi-reluctantly came and slept with me. The next evening was Valentine's Day. He apologized for "being an asshole" over dinner. I told him he hadn't been an asshole.

If this had been a one-time thing, it probably would have been just fine - but I've started going in and bugging him - in what I know is his only free time, in what I know is his only semi-private space - more or less every night! It's compulsive, and very hard to stop myself from doing if I'm in that mood. When I do this, I'm usually feeling lonely and worrying that "he doesn't really like me" and feeling resentful about not having spent any time with him that day or about him "never paying any attention to me" and things like that. I have no real idea of how rational or reasonable any of these feelings are (he legitimately has very little free time these days - but I legitimately hardly see him most days, too). I've never lived with a partner before, and I suspect that's part of the problem - particularly since this one doesn't have any real space of his own. But regardless of rationality, I continue to have these episodes of intense unhappiness - though most of the time I wake up in the morning alone and feel fine, like a different person, not insecure or worried at all, except about the consequences of my complaints and vague threats to break up with him and things like that. And I don't know what to do. I don't want to torment him when he's stressed and depressed (and I really do feel like I'm being at least partially unreasonable) - but I don't want to be sad and preoccupied so much of the time. But I do like him a lot, he's wonderful and not like anyone I've ever met. I miss how things used to be.

I wish he'd comfort and reassure me, but he doesn't seem very good at that - and this seems like something I should be able to do myself, anyway, and really more my job than his (even if I think otherwise when I'm at my worst). But I haven't had much success, and simply waiting for it to go away takes a long time - and I'm trying to finish my bachelor's thesis and need to be able to focus on work!

So, what's worked for you? What might work for me?

How do I overcome my fear of disapproval?

richar4 — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:34:15 -0800

I'd like advice on how to overcome my fear of disapproval from others. It manifests itself as lack of confidence/assertiveness, self-consciousness, anxiety and fear of not being good enough. Looking for all kinds of techniques, suggestions. I'm 32, emotionally and reasonably socially aware, if not necessarily emotionally/socially intelligent. I have a small group of friends. I have a lot of fear and anxiety around the issue of being 'good enough'.

Some symptoms of this are: I feel self-conscious walking down the street, sometimes even when driving(I know!). It feels almost impossible to get a 2nd/3rd date - mainly due to the confidence aspects I suspect. Emotions are contagious and I really need to crack this, and become better balanced. I need to stop betting the world on and being so emotionally effected by small interactions whether its a date, interview, ordering food from a takeaway, whatever..

I'm looking at some form of talking-therapy although finances are a bit of an issue there as I'm hoping to implement a career change, pay course fees and so on. Any kind of suggestions no matter how small are welcomed. Thank you.

RelationshipFilter: How do I convince her I'm not scared?

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 06:19:04 -0800

RelationshipFilter: How can I convince this girl that her issues don't scare me and I really do want to be with her? Rambling details and soul-baring inside. Earlier this month I started seeing a girl that I've become very fond of (background info: I'm a 19yo hetero male, she's an 18yo bisexual female, both students at the same uni). We hit it off on our first date and found that we've got an incredible amount in common in terms of tastes, opinions and attitudes. I've gone out with her a couple times since and both occasions went very well: long, personal conversations, lots of flirting, "marry me already!" jokes, etc. going both ways, though the physical element hasn't gone any further than a goodnight kiss.

This past weekend she invited me to brunch with her and her housemates, but when I got there she was a little distant and quiet. I spent a couple hours there and tried to get her to come for a walk with me afterwards, but she said she couldn't, she had too much work to do. When I got home she texted me and apologized for "being a jerk" and promised to explain herself later.

That night we had an IM conversation that led to her confiding in me about her personal issues - she is struggling with anxiety, depression and an eating disorder (all of which I'm also dealing with, and she knows this) and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she claims to have never had a "successful" relationship with either sex because of her myriad insecurities. Her phrasing made it seem like she was trying to say, "You don't want to get involved with me, I've got way too many issues." I told her that her issues weren't going to scare me off and that I think she's wonderful, she didn't respond, and I haven't seen her or really spoken to her in about five days. She hasn't been online and I haven't been able to find her on campus. I did send her one text that said "i miss you" and she responded by telling me how busy she's going to be all week. I've got a creeping fear that she's cooled off on me, which my close friends assure me probably isn't the case (though they've yet to meet the girl in question), but I can't convince myself of that. Mysterious cooling-off is a recurring theme in my relationship history and I admit I'm fairly insecure about it.

Can I convince this girl that I adore her and want to be with her, that I'm not scared of helping her through all of her issues and that I'll stand by her no matter what? This girl is unlike anyone I've ever met, I've never felt this strongly about anyone and I want her to know that I sincerely do want to start a real relationship with her. Do I just need to give her space and let her come to me or should I try to talk to her face-to-face about it?

Expressing concern without seeming preachy

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 06:35:20 -0800

Help me come up with a (very tactful) way to entreat my boyfriend to seek treatment for depression/anxiety. (long background story) A few months ago, I started dating "Brian", who has been a close friend of mine for several years. So far, everything is going swimmingly. We have strong chemistry, similar goals and interests, and we really enjoy spending time together. We're taking things very slowly, so I don't think we're yet at a point where either of us would call this a serious relationship.

Brian is truly a wonderful person. He's intelligent, kind, witty, and attractive. For as long as I've known him, he has struggled with depression and social anxiety. He objects to the idea of therapy or medication. I don't think it's a deep ethical objection... I get the impression that his family just doesn't talk about these things, and he doesn't think his problems are serious enough to warrant treatment, especially since the depression comes and goes. He has a tendency to try and "tough out" his emotional rough patches, to varying degrees of success.

This is the second time that Brian and I have tried our hand at dating. The first time was in early 2007. Things started out great... we'd see each other once or twice a week for a dinner date, movie, and/or sleepover. After a couple of months, his demeanor started to change. He began cancelling plans rather frequently, and when we did get together he seemed distracted, stressed, and disinterested. I was frustrated and hurt by the change in his attitude, seeing it as a sign that he "just wasn't that into me". We stopped seeing each other romantically, and I started dating someone else, although Brian and I maintained our friendship via phone and email.

Fast-forward to June of 2008. I was single again, and I started hanging out with Brian much more frequently. One night, he apologized for letting our fledgling relationship fizzle the year before. He chalked it up to a very serious bout of depression, during which he withdrew from all of his friends and family members. He asked me to give him another chance, and I obviously agreed, and we're both quite glad of it. At the back of my mind, though, I continue to worry that Brian's depression will strike again. Over the past few weeks, he has begun talking about feeling useless and having nothing to look forward to. As his friend, I hate to see him dealing with feelings of worthlessness, but as his girlfriend, I (somewhat selfishly) fear that his mood is going to have a negative impact on our relationship again.

I know that he won't get help for his problems until he really wants to, but I want to tell him that I think it's extremely important for him to seek some outside help. How can I bring this up without seeming like I'm posing an ultimatum (I'm not) or trying to sound like I know what's best for him? I feel like I'm likely to offend no matter how I phrase it, since he tries really hard to avoid discussing mental health issues. We're in our mid-twenties, if that seems at all relevant.

Please help me sort out my anxiety-related relationship problems and help me to have an open heart.

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 16:06:39 -0800

Please help me sort out my anxiety-related relationship problems and help me to have an open heart. I am really struggling a lot with seemingly intractable problems with some of the relationships in my life. When it comes to dating, I have a deep mistrust of men that is hard to overcome. I don't know where it really comes from--maybe from bad experiences or from my anxiety, which is almost crippling--but I am so distrustful and "closed off" that it's hard to let someone in. I'll meet someone who seems nice but in the back of my mind "maybe he only wants one thing" and I don’t allow myself to trust him. This, I think, make me say things that come across the wrong way or act rejecting without meaning to.

As I mentioned, I seem to have a knack for either saying things the wrong way or being misunderstood. I wasn’t allowed to be around other kids much when I was little, and my family a very poor role model for communication. So although I have improved a lot, my relationships sometimes turn sour without my having a clear understanding of why.

I also seem to misunderstand others quite a lot, and perhaps my reading of people and situations is a little “off.”

All of this has lead to a high-intensity anxiety situation! Since so many relationships did not work out in the past, I always expect and predict that the next one won’t work out too. It seems to be like a self fulfilling prophecy because sometimes I see drama/conflict/rejection when it isn’t really there. A lot of this I think is due to my anxiety, but unfortunately even with long-term psychotherapy my progress is very slow. Sometimes I literally *cannot* relax and I have physical symptoms like aches, pains, and irritability.

I have tried pharmaceuticals. Only one antidepressant (Celexa) was of any value, and my response to it was extremely positive. I was calm, relaxed and easygoing…the complete opposite of the nervous wreck that I am without it. However, I had numerous and side effects (weight gain, sexual problems, extreme tiredness, lack of motivation, etc.) and just decided that I would have to work on fixing my insides rather than hoping for a medication to fix all of my problems. (I do take benzos when I have an anxiety attack, but I can’t take them all of the time.)

Anyway, this is a long question, but I guess I’m wondering is how can I learn to open up to others and let go of my fear of rejection and my high-strung, anxious nature? I spend a lot of time analyzing “what went wrong” in various situations but I’m not sure it’s really getting me anywhere. As I said, I’m in therapy (and very pleased with it) but these are really complex problems and I’m discouraged by my slow progress. I will mention that I have some trauma in my past (not sexual trauma, but general trauma) that probably contributed to all of these problems.

Help me salvage the best relationship I've had.

Anonymous — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 20:39:34 -0800

How do I fix this vicious, vicious cycle? My boyfriend and I have been together for almost ten months. Started out great, fell in love, etc. Obviously not all buttercups and daisies now, or I wouldn't be asking this question.

So. Neither of us is in a particularly good spot, mentally. He is clinically depressed and on meds; I have some anxiety and sexual abuse issues I'm working out in therapy. We both enrolled in summer classes this summer; I am finished, he is still swamped. We're both working two jobs, but his work is a lot more full-time than mine.

The aforementioned sexual abuse issues have only recently come to the surface-- I didn't realize how bad the situation (which did NOT occur with my current boyfriend) was until almost a year after the fact. That realization occurred relatively recently. I told my boyfriend, and as of today, he's the only one beside my therapist who knows the whole story. Needless to say, this has me feeling rather emotionally vulnerable with him. When I get like that, which is rarely, I end up craving physical closeness-- the hugs, the holding, the back rubbing, the works. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has totally withdrawn due to the stress and depression. He has also lost his sex drive for the same reasons, which, intellectually, make sense, but since I'm a girl I cannot help but think it's partially my fault. So, we have this cycle. I need him to pet me and tell me everything's going to be okay, and this closeness makes him withdraw even more, which upsets me and makes me crave even more closeness. And so on.

I guess my question is simple. How do I fix this? I have considered removing myself from his presence for a while, but we enjoy spending time together as long as I don't want to touch him. We cook dinner together almost every night, and it's nice, until I want to cuddle on the couch and he wants to retreat to his room to do Important Things.

Am I a terrible person for wanting to be slightly more important to him than I seem to be? I don't expect him to throw away his education for me. I would kill him if he did so. What's the solution to this seemingly solution-less problem?

What's a gifter to do with unwanted gifts?

UtterlyDrained — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 08:41:55 -0800

My wife's battled depression for a while, and though she rallied and had a decent few months, she plunged back into the depths of it for the few weeks around her recent birthday (which seems to happen every year, but this year was the worst yet). She had us cancel any birthday plans, cake, etc -- didn't even want anybody to say "happy birthday". After asking a few times and receiving this same answer, I went along with it; it was her birthday, after all. Her mood has lifted since then, but she still doesn't want her presents -- says to return everything, and shuts down when I bring up the subject. Fine, I can return them, except for one, a custom order meant as a present from our four-year-old (call her "Olivia"): a set of coasters printed with Olivia's scanned artwork. What do I do with them? Ideas:
A) Trash them.
B) Give them to her anyway, wrapped, and say "open or trash this, it's up to you". Seems blatantly disrespectful of her explicit request, though.
C) Unwrap them and then give them to my wife, saying "would you, uh, like some coasters?"
D) Save them for another holiday
E) Use them myself, in my own space.
F) Olivia was excited about them, and would love having her very own special set of coasters. I could give them to her instead. They would be a reminder of this episode to my wife, which could be bad (always reminding her of the ongoing depression that caused her to turn them down in the first place, and of the fact that she refused to accept a gift from her daughter because of her own issues), or -- in a way -- good (reminding her that her depression and actions affect those around her). (There's a small chance this could backfire if Olivia insists on presenting them to my wife as a gift; she's been, for instance, occasionally wrapping up her toys in packing paper and giving them to my wife since the non-birthday, though my wife hasn't connected the two as far as I know).

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

No TV, no beer make Homer something something...

sunshinesky — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:44:11 -0800

Borderline Personality Disorder: What's next? I just went through my first real, in depth, psychiatric assessment, and it looks like I have a diagnosis. I've never read about BPD, believing all this time that I was just depressed. I'm in the process of being referred for DBT, but I'd like suggestions on what to do in the meantime. It's going to be at least a couple weeks until I get into therapy, and I'm just starting new prescriptions of Wellbutrin and a low dose of Seroquel for my depression/anxiety.

What can I expect in the days, weeks, months and years to come? How can I help my boyfriend, and others around me, to cope? In the past you mefites haven't sounded so hopfeul, so share some more positive experiences, please! By all means, total horror shows will be just as helpful.

I feel like it's a big step just knowing what the hell it is that's been wrong with me all this time. I knew I wasn't 'just depressed'.

Anecdotes, resources, tips, anything!

data: 23, female, and I've had symptoms for upwards of 14 years. No, YANMD.

Being happy in spite of negative personalities...

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:54:43 -0800

How do you ignore someone's attitude instead of letting it bring you down? How do you handle living with someone who can be really negative a lot of the time? I love my SO dearly, but he is an extremely negative person - often complaining about things, getting angry about things, and often just walking around grumbling. Just grumbling, sighing, huffing, yelling, etc. Most often to himself, not me.

I find that I take this very personally, even though he has often explained that he is just in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with me. I have tried to work with him to see how I could help -- he blames a lot of his bad mood on lack of exercise and sleep, so I've offered to do things like have him workout with me or go for walks with me, or to remind him when it's getting late so he can wrap things up and get ready for bed. But instead of even trying, he just complains about how useless it is to even try because he won't do it and he doesn't have enough time or energy. (And I've tried to explain how it's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy that he won't have energy if he doesn't try to get sleep or exercise, but it's been useless.)

I also realize that he might be so negative and tired/cranky due to depression or something else he needs to talk to someone about, and I have gently suggested this a few times - but he won't. Neither by himself or as a couple.

So, I feel badly that he feels so grumpy all the time, and I can definitely sympathize as I have fought my own battles with depression (and still do), but he won't accept help, from me or from others. When he complains, yells, grumbles, etc, I take it to heart. Since childhood, I have taken other people's bad moods as something that is somehow my fault and something that I need to fix. I either become very doting and apologetic, or very defensive, even when the target of his annoyance/anger has nothing to do with me, and he isn't even talking to me or expecting me to react.

I have things I want to accomplish that I haven't accomplished because I can't focus when I hear someone stomping or grumbling or yelling at themselves/a game/the tv. I can't get done the things I want to get done when I realize I have once again let it get very late at work because I don't even want to go home, because listening to him bitch about stupid things is more stressful than just being in the office. And I have blamed him for it and resented him for it. Like it's his fault that I am not doing what I want to do.

I am at the point where I have realized that this is not about me, and that there is nothing I can do to help him solve his problems anymore - not unless he wants help and asks for it. I can be there when he wants me to be, but I can no longer let the complaining, grumbling, and sometimes yelling upset me. I am not going to be driven out of my home or away from my passions in life because he is angry about something that happened at work and is stomping around and grumbling.

I want to ignore him, or at least to not let his moods get under my skin. I want to be happy and do the things I love, instead of always feeling like I need to be apologizing or defensive. But how do I do that? How do I stop letting it bother me? Is it even possible??

I really, sincerely hope someone out there has some suggestions for me on how to do this. (Or any other advice on dealing with living with a negative person but remaining happy).

If you want to contact me, I have set up an email account at anonygrumpy@yahoo.com.

To disagree, one doesn't have to be disagreeable. -Goldwater

Liosliath — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 08:35:03 -0800

Help me stop hurting someone close to me... I looked through the other AskMes, and got some good suggestions on dealing with depression etc..., which I think may be part of my problem. However, I'm hoping that I can get some specific suggestions on curbing a destructive impulse.

In a nutshell (I hope) - I say mean/spiteful things to those close to me, particularly to my boyfriend. I apologize later, but the damage has already been done. A brief example : we were having a discussion about an art project I wanted to do. He tried to offer some constructive criticism, namely, that my efforts could be better used elsewhere, but I should do it if it was something I really believed in. He said it just wasn't the type of art he was interested in, so he couldn't give an opinion. I felt like he wasn't being supportive, and ended up telling him that even though I "hated" Gary Baseman (one of his favorite artists), I still made an effort to look at his work with him and talk about it. I also said that I looked at his "dumb Dada" stuff even though I really didn't like it.

As I'm writing this out, I'm actually wincing a little bit, because I sound like a royal bitch. Logically, I can think all this out and KNOW that the people closest to me are the last people who should bear the brunt of my irrational behavior. When I get defensive/angry, though, it just comes out.

A few notes about my situation - my husband and I separated last October, and I filed divorce papers Tuesday. I have also gone back to school to get a 2nd bachelor's, so that and work keep me occupied. My health is good, and I have a couple of friends I can talk to. I'm seeing a counselor on an occasional basis, and feel like I'm making progress in a lot of areas - but if I can't nip this in the bud, I'm going to lose someone who's very important to me, and jeopardize future relationships. My boyfriend is at the end of his rope, and I can't blame him.

Is it possible to have a normal relationship after a spouce attempts suicide?

prk14 — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 10:03:51 -0800

My wife and I have been married for almost 10 months. She has had a number of cutting epsiodes and last week she tried to commit suicide. After I caught her cutting the first time (about 3 months into the marriage) she agreed to go into therapy and got on Prozac but things have not really gotten better. With things this bad, this early on in the relationship is there really any hope? Here is the situation from the begining. I'm 26, she is 24 she is not pregnant and we do not have any children. She did a very good job hidding the depression while we were dating but in retrospect I should have seen some of the warning signs while we were engaged. After we were married the depression became obvious, with her completely letting herself go, and a manifest loss of interest in everything she used to enjoy (running, painting, etc) sleeping seemed to be the only thing that she enjoy. This started to cause some real friction in the relationship as she refused to see that anything was wrong and blamed me for not being patient enough with her. I cought her cutting her shoulders and refused to let her rationalize it away and insisted that she start seeing a therapist. She got on prozac. first 20mg, then 40mg then 60mg. Everytime she had the dose upgraded she had about a week of "normal" interaction but then is was back to a complete loss of interest. Last week stoped taking her meds, felt fine for a couple fo days and then took about half a bottle of loratabs that we had lying around from a shoulder injury a while back. Not enough to really do her in but still... I called 911 they took her to the ER and gave her a charcoal tube to eat, gave her some crysis councelling and sent her on her way. her doctor has since included 300mg of Wellbutrin to the Prozac and we are seeing a marriage councelor as well as her seeing her personal therapist. She recently moved back in with her parents because she said that I am not being supportive enough of her struggles.
At this point I really dont have a whole lot of faith let for the relationship. For almost a year now I have been miserable and hoping that she will be able to conquer her deamons. But at this point I feel almost ready to cut my losses and get out of the relationshipI feel guilty for having these feelings. I know that this really is not her fault, she didnt ask be have chemical issues in her brain but that does not really help me thorugh the daily misery.
My question is this: is there really any overcomming this kind of problem? I look to the future and I would be devastated if she had another suicide attempt (or heavens forbid a sucessful one) when/if we have children. I don't feel comfortable raising children in a home where thier mother cuts herself to relieve stress. Has anyone dealt with these types of feelings? Any advise?

Is it right to divorce a depressed spouse?

UtterlyDrained — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:17:30 -0800

Is it right to divorce a depressed spouse? My wife hasn't been the happiest person as long as I've known her, and during our seven years of our marriage she's gradually spiraled into increasing depression and anxiety, to the point that she's been fighting back suicidal thoughts on and off over the last year or so. She dearly loves our two daughters (one four years, one nine months) but often has trouble dealing with them by herself for more than an hour without turning into an emotional wreck. This is all rooted in an incredibly poor self-image; she sees every moment of every day as proof that she's fat / stupid / a bad parent / universally disliked / a failure / etc. She has a great life by all objective measures but nonetheless she's miserable. Sometimes she's, well, functional for an afternoon or so, but this is the exception rather than the rule -- for instance, she has too much anxiety to talk on the phone, and can't put our older daughter to bed or finish eating a meal with the family because otherwise she'd end up yelling at the top of her lungs and stressed to the point of tears. She finally sought treatment this year, but after six months, two (well-recommended) therapists, and at least a half-dozen different combinations of medications for depression and anxiety, she felt nothing was working, quit both medication and therapy and is very unlikely to try either again for quite a long time. I'm really the one stable thing for her to lean on, the one healthy thing in her life. But after years of this, I'm drained and miserable. I'd love nothing more than to be able to help her to lead a happy life, but so far have had no success, and what once seemed a limitless future now looks grey and bleak. Would it ever be fair to leave her, or do I have a moral duty to continue to devote myself to supporting my wife and the mother of my children, regardless of what effect that has on my own life (and, possibly, our children's)?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from any of you who've been in a long-term relationship with a depressed person; what did you do, and in hindsight, was it the right decision?

I am not looking on advise for helping my wife out of her depression -- that's an entirely different question, and one for which I'd need to provide a lot more background, and what we've tried and what she's likely to be willing to try.

(More details in the first comment. Apologies for the length -- I want to provide some context, but I've already trimmed any kinds of details or examples. Feel free to skip the rest, or to ask for particular examples to determine if I'm a complete loon or jerk with a biased perspective).

Help me help my boyfriend

odayoday — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:09:26 -0800

Help me help my boyfriend. My boyfriend is caring, supportive and great in all the ways that matter, but I think he's depressed, and it's gotten past the point where he's willing to talk about it. He's said several times that he feels there's no way out, and while he's had brief spells of depression in the past and has been able to pull himself out of them, I'm worried that this time it's too deep for him to do it alone. I've suggested counseling, but he says that he's tried it in the past and doesn't think that he'll find someone he trusts. I explained that it's a process which takes time, but will ultimately worthwhile, but he thinks that he should be able to handle this himself (a holdover from his father, who was a domineering workaholic. As a side note, he recently tried to mend his relationship with his dad, but was basically completely rejected, which I imagine is feeding into the depression as well). He was on prozac for about 5 years before we met, and now refuses to consider antidepressants because of the side effects, and also because, again, he feels like he should be able to deal with it himself. I've said that I don't think antidepressants are something to be taken lightly, but that sometimes when you can't find your way out, and don't have the strength to make the changes you want to, they can help you get to the point where you can do it. Also, we've been fighting a lot more, which makes me scared to keep bringing this stuff up, since he just shuts down or gets angry when I do. He says that he can work it out himself, but I'm really starting to think that that's not possible any more. For most of our relationship he's been nothing but wonderful, and I hate to see this happening to him. I'd really appreciate any advice about what I can say to him, whether I should push him to get help (which I'm afraid might alienate him) or whether I should just back off and let him work it out in his own time. Thanks in advance, and sorry about the length.

Self-Hatred

Anonymous — Mon, 16 May 2005 14:47:17 -0800

I hate myself. This is a problem. I hate myself. No, I mean I REALLY hate myself. I have been struggling with this since the age of 12. I am now in my late 20s. I don't hate my personality so much as I just hate my body, or more specifically being IN my body. I am disgusted by my human-ness, if you will. (Perhaps there is a term for this.)

I have had a long and exhausting battle with acne. I barely went outside for 4 years because I was so ashamed of my appearance. I gradually came to realize that I have a hormonal imbalance and now I cannot go off birth control or chaos will ensue. Then, last year I came to the devastating realization that I have rosacea. Ha! What a dirty, dirty trick. In addition to this progressive skin disease I have also experienced progressively worsening gum recession due to an as yet unidentified cause. No dentist can tell me what is wrong with me. I have bruxism and wear a mouth guard but it hasn't helped.

When I look at myself in the morror I see only my flaws. I don't need to be a super model; I just want to be me--minus all of these disorders and diseases. I am consumed with thoughts of "fixing" myself. Something close to panic sets in with each passing day. I am pathetic and mull over the fact that I am poor and will never be able to afford dental implants, cosmetic surgery, etc.

Most days I could really care less if I died. I don't want to get out of bed. Ever. But the kicker to this rant is that I am in love with the man of my dreams. He is my everything. I rely on him 100%. Needless to say, he has been deeply hurt by my depresion. After 5 years together I think we are both at the breaking point.

The crux of our neverending argument is that he feels he is #2 in my life--#1 being my self-hatred and the amount of time and energy I devote to it. I can't really argue with his statement because it is true. I try to reassure him by telling him that he IS #1 in my heart and that I don't purposely place anything or anyone above him. It's just that frequently, without even realizing it, in my mind I am more consumed with my own agony than I am with my love for him. I want to be the person he deserves but I think I have run out of ideas. I don't know how to change my viciously negative thought patterns.

I have been through all kinds of therapy and been diagnosed with everything from body dysmorphic disorder to post-traumatic stress to severe clinical depression. I don't think more therapy is the answer. I have taken enough psychology classes and paid for enough 1-hour sessions that I already know the strategies and theories--it's a matter of implementing them.

I've tried Prozac, Celexa, Paxil, Sam-e, and St. John's Wort. No success. Currently, I am trying Wellbutrin but it's too early to tell. I'm not expecting much.

I guess I should say that my depression isn't solely based on my appearance. It's all connected. I don't have the confidence to achieve the things I want in life. I have a degree in the arts but I, predictably, work in an office. If I hadn't experienced this myriad of health/appearance issues, I really think I would have liked to be the next Dian Fossey or Jane Goodall. Or perhaps tecahing children in Africa or South America. Now I feel that I am restricted to the "developed" world because of my dependence on certain medications, the constant threat of a nervous breakdown, and my selfish attitude.

I think my questions are:
1. How can I stop hating myself so much?
2. What can I do to stop incessantly thinking about hating myself and letting it invade my relationship?

I'm sorry this is so long. If anyone cares to bite at this from any angle and try to make sense out of me...

Depression and Relationships

Anonymous — Sat, 07 May 2005 12:17:02 -0800

Would you date a wonderful, albeit, depressed person? If you are seriously depressed, should you avoid getting into a relationship? Everytime I look at personal ads online, I inevitably come across several that require confident, self-assured people who know what they want, who do not carry a lot of baggage, who have a positive outlook on life, etc. Well, I am just the opposite. I'm severely depressed and insecure (esp about the depression), athough I've been very good at keeping up the fight despite the low return on my efforts. I'd like to meet someone again since my last devastating breakup over a year ago, but I'm afraid that I'm not well enough to be dating material as I have been rejected in the past due to the depression factor. Yet I don't know if I'll ever be "well enough."

It seems there are a lot of clinically depressed mefites out there. What are your thoughts? Is it generally a bad idea to seek out a relationship when you are in the throws of depression? Would you get involved with a depressed person? When would be the best time to tell someone you are dating about your depression?