Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and dating

How should I move forward?

Anonymous — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 20:13:04 -0800

The New Year is approaching and I need some guidance on how to move forward with my life. I’m 27, male, straight, and British. I’ve only ever been in one relationship, kissed one person, and had one sexual partner. That relationship lasted from age 14 to 23 and included some long-distance time, and several years of living together and studying at the same university. Since then I’ve been completely single (no dates, no kisses etc), and I’ve also been socially isolated (no friends, unstable employment). I’ve also been depressed at varying levels of severity for who knows how long (the first serious episode being around 2004). I’m currently studying part-time, employed part-time, am trying anti-depressants, and am living with my parents.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat less depressed (though still moderately so), much more capable, and somewhat less socially anxious. I also have a few regular acquaintances through my studies (not friends by any means, but nice acquaintances). Also, I’ve gradually been becoming more interested in girls again. Specifically, I’ve been missing the intimacy (emotional and physical) of being in a relationship and have been feeling romantically wistful, lonely even. I rarely, if ever, receive any flirtatious signals from women and it’s clear that if I’m ever to meet someone I’ll have to take a more active approach than I ever have before. Things being as they are, I’d like to do this as gradually and tentatively as possible (in order to take care of myself as well as possible, and to work through my anxieties). My previous relationship taught me a lot of things, but I’ve changed so much in the last few years that in many ways I’m a very different person now. There’s little from that time in my life that can tell me how to move forward now.

In terms of my personal qualities, I’m essentially a good and kind person, quiet-natured, soft-hearted, and shy. Obviously, I have some problems, but I have a lot of good qualities as well. I’m a little arty, a little literary, a little pop-culturey, a little geeky, have a really good sense of humour, and people tell me I’m very intelligent. In person I think I come across as a fairly confident and capable, if rather quiet, man. I tend to keep people at a distance and I find it difficult to open up to others, perhaps for fear of rejection or negative judgement. I tend to crush easily on girls but have difficulty interacting with people whom I’m attracted towards.

Anyway, I’m sorry for writing so much and if my writing voice annoys you (as it does me), but if you have anything to say that might help me I’d be very grateful. It’s hard to boil this down to a specific question, so maybe we could start with these. Please try to read between them as much as possible.

- How should I begin working towards meeting women?
- How should I cope with my anxiety when interacting with women?
- How should I deal with my sexual and social inexperience?
- If you have been in a similar position to me, what has happened since?
- How do people make friends?
- How is it possible to open up to someone when talking, writing, or any form of personal expression feels like a distorted compression of the inner consciousness? (That sounds so pretentious – I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.)
- If you’ve been depressed or anxious for some time, tell me about the steps you took socially and romantically as you moved towards wellness.

Thank you so much.
(disposable: itoocannotthinkofausername@googlemail.com)

PS: I know - therapy, therapy, therapy! Maybe in the Spring.

Chat in Relationships?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 18:56:49 -0800

How do you deal with instant messaging early in a relationship? I've just started dating a woman that I've known for a about a year. We both use GChat and tend to be logged in fairly frequently.

Given that it's early in the relationship, it seems overbearing to be communicating every day. Email is just as instant (in our age of BlackBerries at least), but a chat program has a "presence" that makes it seem weird to be logged on all the time without saying anything.

So far I've dealt with this in part by not being logged in so much, but also this change in behavior (and she knows how much I was logged in before) seems odd. How have you dealt with this?

Other details that might matter: it's long distance, so we don't see each other that frequently, so far it's been visit once a month, talk on the phone a little more frequently than once a week, e-mail and chat more in between.

Chinese and Western relationship norms?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 10:37:50 -0800

What do you wish you knew about Mainland Chinese dating and relationships that would have made your relationship easier? What are some common sources of misunderstanding between Westerners and people from China? I've been seeing a conservative woman from Guangzhou for a couple of months, and we get along great. I'm Asian, too, but I moved here when I was young, my family aren't Chinese, and I could really do with some education regarding Chinese culture.

I've noticed that the unwritten rules of dating are quite different for us both; it's quite possible for both of us to accidentally do things that the other person could potentially misinterpret. Fortunately, there's a lot of goodwill between us.

The drama of the Ask Metafilter guy who was going to move out on his Chinese roommate illustrated how different cultural meanings of various things can be.

http://ask.metafilter.com/138804/Stuck-in-the-dreaded-friend-zone

I've asked a previous question about dating this woman:

http://ask.metafilter.com/134846/Dating-Across-a-Language-Barrier

We're both in our 20s.

Have you been in a relationship with someone from China? What do you wish you had known? What realisations for you or for your partner made things easier for you?

anon.learning.chinese@gmail.com

Help me get over the honeymoon phase.

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 19:24:28 -0800

I'm extremely infatuated with my boyfriend of 1 year, to the point where it's getting a little annoying. Advice? I began seeing my current boyfriend in August of 2008, and we became exclusive a couple of months later. I was quite smitten with him from the beginning, and I was expecting that "honeymoon phase" to last two or three months, like it has in all of my other relationships... and it still hasn't subsided. We even lived together over the summer, which I figured might dull my enthusiasm a bit. But it didn't at all. If anything, I have a bigger crush on him now than I did when we first started dating.

I'm normally very even-keeled, so this feeling has puzzled me from the very beginning, and now it's starting to feel a bit... cumbersome. I don't act crazy or clingy -- in fact, I'm really not very demonstrative about my affections at all -- but I feel like I think about him way more than I should. I'll catch myself daydreaming about jumping his bones during class, or in a free moment I'll randomly start feeling giddy about how lucky I am and how great my relationship is. Every time he kisses me (which is nearly every day), I get that butterflies-in-my-stomach, squeeee-I-can't-believe-this-is-really-happening feeling. It's EXHAUSTING.

I tend to think that, when people obsess over things, it's often because they're subconsciously trying to avoid thinking about something more difficult - i.e. some aspect of their lives that's lacking, or something that's worrying them (this seems to be a widely-held view here on AskMeFi). I don't really think that's the case here though. I'm pretty content with everything that's going on in my life right now. I'm about to graduate from college, my career path seems pretty solid and I'm excited about it. I have a close-knit group of friends, no shortage of hobbies, and I get along great with my family. So it's not that my "crush" is providing a distraction from something unpleasant. Nor is it interfering with my productivity. It's just emotionally taxing, and I feel like I should calm the hell down already.

(Factors that probably have some bearing: I'm 23, boyfriend is 28. I've been in two other long-term relationships, and had a handful of casual flings, but this is the first time either of us has been "in love".)

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

Getting My Gimpy Groove On

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:03:26 -0800

How can a gimp who's got a lot going for himself get a date and maybe even get a little somethin' somethin' after a loooong dry spell? More details with minimum self-pity inside. First, some background: I'm in my mid-thirties and I have a congenital disability that is pretty severe. Severe as in strangers probably look at me and think, "God, I'd rather be dead." I use a wheelchair and have very little movement in my extremities and I breathe with the assistance of a ventilator. I require 24-hour assistance to help me get through life. Despite all this, I've managed to build a pretty decent life for myself. I went to college and grad school and now make a good living at a job I love. I own my own place and have plenty of good friends. I've traveled and, in general, have lived a life that has turned out better than I thought it would.

As you might guess, I'm pretty inexperienced with dating and relationships. My high school and young adult years saw me make clumsy attempts to ask women out, but I was so full of insecurities and self-doubt that I met with no success. I grew more comfortable with myself as I got older and finally met someone online in my late twenties. We dated for a couple months but it didn't work out. Since then, I've had a couple dates but nothing beyond that.

I think I'm doing all the things that a guy my age is supposed to do to try to meet women. OKCupid ad? Check. Book club? Check. Volunteering? Check. I don't do bars or clubs simply because they're crowded, noisy places that make communication difficult. But for whatever reason, I don't meet many single women and fewer still who seem like possible dates. I keep asking myself if I should be doing something more, but I have no idea what that might be.

I don't have any illusions about my own attractiveness and I realize that a relationship with me comes with a lot of challenges. Still, I think I'm pretty cool guy with smarts and more than a little charm. It just takes time for other people to see that.

My question for my fellow MeFites: should I just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best or try something that hasn't occurred to me? I have to admit that I'm getting a little frustrated with the loneliness and celibacy, but I also don't want to turn into some bitter old bachelor. If my future is going to be one of bachelorhood, how do I make myself okay with that? I've even flirted with the idea of hiring a, er, professional to get a little temporary relief, but that seems like it could result in all sorts of not-so-good outcomes.

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Short-term relationship. How fun! Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:18:38 -0800

I'm part of a short-term couple. We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the (non?)relationship. But what are those things? Also: I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love? What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that.

By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone (no future for us! nothing to be embarrassed about in the future!). "Oh, you came? No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn." Although this, of course, is good for both of us, and for any future relationships?

So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up?" I know our relationship is likely to end in about six months, and am not worried about long-term impact. At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.

In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing!

Extroversion or flirting?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:11 -0800

How do you tell the difference between someone who's an extrovert and someone who's romantically interested in you? I (male) met a female friend of a male friend visiting my city last winter. After that we talked on line a bunch. (With her initiating a good part of the time.) We met (briefly and not one-on-one) up when I was visiting her city a few months later. There's been some Facebooking in between.

Recently, we chatted on line and she suggested we talk on the phone that week. When we did, at the end of that conversation said we should talk regularly on the phone and suggested a fairly definite schedule.

I'm pretty introverted and in the past I've dated (though not much) people who've either been introverted or explicit about their intentions at the beginning.

I'm having a hard time telling if this is just her extroversion coming through... or if I should take this as a sign of romantic interest. If I had just made a female friend, I would be hesitant to contact them so often for fear that I was sending the message that I was interested, if I wasn't.

Any tips on navigating this introvert extrovert divide would be appreciated.

Some more info:

We're both very close to the friend who introduced us, but they're not romantically envolved (I asked him, in part, because I wanted to be sure I wasn't interfering with a prior romantic pursuit of his by what I was thinking might be her interest in me) and he's not the matchmaking type, so I'm reluctant to put him further in the middle of this...

(This isn't really a question about long-distance relationships, I like the area where she lives, have lived there previously, and may even move there in the next couple of years regardless.)

All the people in this question are in their twenties and out of school, including me, but I'm a couple years older.

Throwaway e-mail: INVEVQM@gmail.com

Men: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's fuck!) Women: "Nice shoes!" (trans: let's be friends!)

Eleutherios — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:22:11 -0800

Previously dated men, now wants to date women. Problem: I can't tell when women are interested in me or if they just want to be friends. I seem to be pretty good in picking up on clues that a man is sexually interested in me, women not so much.

I've had scenerios show up over and over with men and women:

-Being stared at in a bar/party/club
-Being told that I'm attractive/sexy
-Being messaged on online dating sites
-Having a friend of their's introduce me ("Hey are you single? If yes, my friend would like to meet you!)
-Someone inviting me over their house to fix dinner for me
-Being grinded on the dance floor

Whenever men show the above behaviors, it almost always leads up to them wanting to pursue a relationship and/or have sex with me. I've always reject those advances, because I'm not sexually attracted to men, eventhough I pretended to be for a while. I was in a few relationships with men, but they were sexless.

Whenever women show the above behaviors I get a different result. Unlike with the guys, I don't show coolness when women act like that around me, I actually turn up the heat. Once I show my attraction, I'm told that they are looking for friendship and not anything more. That's if I'm lucky, there were a few occasions where women just walked away from me.

This has caused me a lot of frustration and confusion, the fact that the very same behaviors has led to very different outcomes, depending on the gender involved. To add to the confusion, whenever I show those above behaviors, I am definately sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I would never invite a woman over to my house (knowing that we are both lesbians) to cook for her, if I wasn't trying to have sex with her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. It would just be awkward.

I've been told that I think a lot like a guy, so I think this is messing up my perception a bit. For those who date women, regardless of your gender, how do I tell the difference between friendly interest and sexual interest? Please help a woman who's new to this scene.

Dont have feeling for the girl im seeing - but she is nice. What do i do?

Anonymous — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 09:43:53 -0800

Dont love the new girl I'm seeing........ I dont want to hurt anyone - but dont want to lose her either... Can i fall in love months later? or is it always love or chemistry at first sight? My girlfriend left me for another man about 5 months ago. The relationship was the most important of my life and we were talking about getting married. At the time, I believed she was the love of my life. Ultimately I learned that she had another boyfriend for the entirety of our relationship. This created a situation where for 4 years I had half of someone and spent a great deal of time alone and waiting to have the rest and not understanding why things were as they were. My pleads for normality were turned back on me in the form of guilt from this person. I could easily write a book about the experience as everyone who is familiar with it believes it is the most incredible thing they have ever heard. The level of deceit and the level guilt I was made to feel is without precedent in my life. It also cost me my job, the place I once lived, many of the things I had worked very hard for – was in general life altering. My therapist who followed the story from the mid point believes this person is without a doubt a narcissist and possibly a sociopath.

I am in the process of trying to move on now. I find spending time by myself to be very difficult and it’s a constant battle with myself, when alone, to not call my ex. I don’t always succeed but im getting better. Honestly, I still have feelings for her which I know is crazy considering and I know that I can never act on them, however I still think is understandable given some of what we once had. I tell my friends, im not a machine, I just cant hit a switch and make these go away. Anyway the process is not easy.

To help me move on I started seeing new people about 2 months ago. It helped as I spent less time alone, which is when I think most about my previous ordeal and my ex. It also felt a bit emotionally draining. I was having a date or 2 a week with a new person each time... Not really my thing but my thought was to do all my homework in the beginning so as to make a good choice. It got to be a bit soul destroying because I felt like I was interviewing for my next girlfriend and being interviewed… Not really what you need when you're healing a broken heart. After a couple of weeks of this I decided to invest a little more in one person.

I am now dating only one girl. I liked her the best, and on paper she is nearly perfect but to be honest I don’t feel the chemistry. I am happy when I’m with her, she is nice, smart, pretty, we have fun together, but the chemistry just isn’t there, or isn’t there yet. Also, when it comes to the physical aspect I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Its sex, not love.

I have 2 questions – This new person wants to be serious. I think she is beginning to really care about me. I’m pretty sure now that either because of my lingering thoughts of my ex or because there just may never be chemistry, that this relationship doesn’t have long term potential. This is not fair to this new person. At the same time being alone is the hardest thing for me and right now I really need a hand to hold at night and a woman to talk to. I don’t want to hurt anyone – but I feel for the first time in my life that after what happened to me – I have no choice but to be selfish this one time. For my health. Any ideas how I can let everyone get what they want? Im pretty sure if I tell her about my feelings she will walk away and im not sure im ready for that or if Im right that the chemistry wont come.
My second question is the million dollar question – Its about love – I have had 3 serious relationships in my life. The first was in high school and I knew this person for a long time before we began our relationship. We were friends first (Admittedly, I was a little infatuated with her from the beginning) and fell in love. My second 2 relationships were love at first sight. I met them, and knew immediately that I wanted more from these people. There’s that feeling you get from minute 1 - that anyone who has been in this situation before knows and can’t describe… My recent ex falls into this camp.

Dating is new to me. I feel like it’s very contrived.. It’s like you pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend in hopes that you actually feel boyfriend and girlfriend. Will this happen? I think what im asking is , is it possible to fall in love with someone months after being with them? Or should I just have feelings from day one?

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask?

blackcatcuriouser — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:37:22 -0800

Do I need to know what (or who) he did while we were broken up? Is it wrong to ask? My ex and I had a mutual, amicable breakup about 7 months ago, after 3 good years together. We've known each other for almost 10 years and have been best friends. We've remained friendly throughout our breakup - still seeing each other on occasion to have dinner or coffee or see a film while maintaining a respectful distance. We've both spent most of this time apart doing our own thing, getting out more and meeting new people. We haven't talked about other people we've been with during our breakup period, although a couple of months ago he did bring it up. I was honest and told him I'd slept with one person but didn't go into any detail. He told me he hadn't slept with anyone. I feel he was being dishonest, and know from a few external sources that he has in fact been involved with a few girls since our breakup - the level of those involvements is uncertain. I didn't press the issue because I didn't feel it was my right to probe any further. It has, after all, been his right to see/sleep with whomever he likes. We've been broken up for months. I decided to leave it at that. I didn't need to know and at that point, preferred not to know.

Lately, however, we've been seeing each other more and have talked about getting back together. This led to things getting physical again. We haven't come to a decision just yet, although it seems we're leaning towards a reunion in the near future. Here's my problem: Now that we're sleeping together again and considering starting over, I'm absolutely DYING of curiosity about his exploits during our time apart. Every day I spend hours fixated on this - who'd he sleep with? Who did he kiss? How many did he sleep with? How many did he kiss? Did he actually like anyone? Did he hook up with that friend-of-a-friend I'd suspected he was spending time with over the summer? It is all-consuming. I need to know. Honestly, what he did (unless it's totally, thoroughly deplorable) won't keep me from wanting to try at working things out with him. It's not about judging him. We've known each other for so long and have known every little thing about each other - until now.

I have no problem telling him about my involvements while we were apart. I'd really like to have an honest conversation about it (barring all the unnecessary nasty details) because it's been a time in my life during which I've learned a lot about myself and relationships. I get the feeling that he'd rather not discuss it at all and feels uncomfortable with the topic - or that he'd rather denydenydeny to spare any negative feelings on my part. But I just want him to be honest. I want us to be honest. I feel I should know if he's slept with anyone else for my own sexual health considerations, but I want to know more than that. I want to know who and when. I want to know who he's just fooled around with. I want to know if he went on any dates. I wouldn't be angry or sad or lash out at him - I just want to know.

How do I bring this up? Should I bring it up? Do I just let the past be the past and move forward with him? How do I address the nagging curiosity?

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

Cold fish at the drop of a hat

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:04:20 -0800

Help me understand this dating situation. Sort of long. My roommate is dating this girl, and she has this cute friend Meredith that she brought out one night, maybe around the beginning of August. I kind of offhand mentioned that I thought Meredith was cute, word got back around, and apparently it was mutual. Awesome. We hung out again together as a group a few weeks ago and after that Meredith and I started texting back and forth most nights about random shit. She's out of town a lot for work, so we couldn't hang out in person for awhile. For reference I'm 24, she's 22.

She gets back into town the weekend before last and she, as well as a bunch of our other friends, comes to our place to watch football on Saturday. After the game my roommate had to work so I went out with his girlfriend and Meredith to grab food. She's kind of a playful, sarcastic type - she talks a lot of shit - and while we were walking back to my apartment after dinner she was all over me, just flirting/horsing around. My roommate's girlfriend wanted to go back to her place and change, because we were planning on going out, but Meredith didn't want to go with her, so she decided to hang out with me at my apartment while we waited.

Roommate's girlfriend, though, knowing what was up, never came back. So the two of us just ended up hanging out at my place all night, watching random television. We didn't hook up or make out or anything, but we were kind of just canoodling on the couch or whatever - holding hands, snuggling, whatever you want to call it. She was very into it and I definitely could have made a move, but I didn't, since it was the first time we had ever hung out solo. Plus, at least according to my roommate's girlfriend, she's a virgin, and I didn't want to freak her out. So I thought that there was plenty of time to take things slowly.

Anyway, the four of us had already (before that night) made plans to go to a hockey game two days later on Monday. It was also Meredith's birthday. So we all meet up for the hockey game, it's great, we have fun. The two of us weren't acting couple-y at all, beyond the fact that she sat next to me for most of the game. We were kind of flirtatious but I got the sense that she toned it down a little - because we were in public or what, I don't know. But I wasn't expecting any different and it was fun.

Afterwards we all went back to my roommate's girlfriend's place to hang out and watch TV. And here's where it got weird. We get there and there are two loveseat couches. My roommate and his girlfriend sat on one, and I sat on the other - but she wouldn't sit on the couch! She literally sat on the floor, back against the couch, the whole time. It made the whole thing EXTREMELY weird because it wasn't a secret to anyone in the room that she and I had been flirting for the past few weeks. My roommate's girlfriend didn't help matters by making fun of her for not sitting on the couch. Anyway, after an hour or so I was pretty tired and very uncomfortable, so I left.

Everyone was mystified by this, and the two girls talked about it after we left, and Meredith said that she liked me, but that she was weirded out by the whole double date situation and didn't like the pressure of hanging out with an actual couple (I heard this thirdhand) And it makes sense - we had just started hanging out, I was a little uncomfortable too, but we had made the plans beforehand. I don't know what exactly changed, because we were fine hanging out as a group until that night, but whatever.

Anyway, I just figured we'd have to hang out alone for awhile, which was better anyway. I've tried to set something up two or three times since then, and have gotten the usual passive-aggressive vagueries. It's quite obviously a brush-off, which is just so fucking weird, since it seemed to be going really well a week and a half ago.

I'm fine with someone not being interested. But it just doesn't make sense that someone would become disinterested in the space of the 48 hours between Saturday night and Monday night. I think I'm done with this girl, but I guess I'm looking for a little understanding of what might have happened here and how I can avoid it in the future.

Aren't you even a little bit curious?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 23:20:50 -0800

I met a new guy who I've instantly clicked with. Chemistry seems to be there, yet something is bothering me. He rarely (as in hardly ever) asks me specific questions about me or my life. As someone who has historically been overly-private and reserved, this normally wouldn't bother me I guess. But this guy has mentioned that he thinks we might have a real future (I tend to agree) yet he hardly EVER asks me about myself. Even when I lead the questions he doesn't reciprocate ie "Where did you go to school?" To this day (three weeks later) he hasn't asked me the same question. I ask about his family eg "how many siblings do you have? He doesn't ask about mine. Some things like this happen to come up in the course of the conversation, but usually only when I offer the information, not because I've been asked.

I've pretty much overlooked this thus far and chalked it up to 1) I met him online and not being a big online dater, I'm assuming this is just the nature of this unorthodox way of getting acquainted?, 2) we've only hung out once because he's been on out-of-state trips for business, and 3) I've been holding out hope that when he does return (next week) the dynamics of our physical interaction will show him to be more inquisitve.

But as it stands, this is starting to bother me. I know that if I bring it up to him, he'll start to show more interest, but I just wonder what it means that he doesn't ask in the first place. These are just basic getting-to-know you questions I'm referring to, not major prying-before-it's-okay type questions.

So what say you? Would this alarm you? Enough to cut him off and move on? Or would you advise I chill out and give it a little more time? And what do you think this says about him or how he feels about "us" that he doesn't wonder about these baisc things in my life?

Thanks for any responses.

So I Guess He Wasn't Into Me?

cscott — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:05:54 -0800

Is He Just Not That Into Me: Part Deux Hey guys!

So I have a little update about the situation I shared last week here. I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm going to re-post a portion of the back story from last week for anyone who didn't get a chance to read it.

So there's this guy I'm cybercrushing on ... He's a model who's moving to the city I live in three months. There are four of us on this social networking website who have bonded and I've met the other two in person. Three weeks ago, one of them posted a video of him, me, and another dude about some random stuff. We all have photos posted of ourselves on this social networking website so it's no mystery to the guy I have a crush on what I look like. But in the video I had a voice and personality. He sent me a message saying, "You are really handsome ... more than you let on. Just saw the video. Very handsome indeed!" Later we were chatting about gay dating and ethnicity. I was saying that since I'm not white (I'm South Asian) a lot of people can't really figure out where I'm from and probably aren't into darker skinned guys like me. He said, "I like 'em swarthy :)" So I thought maybe he's flirting with me. But before that he was saying that he has a type. There are exceptions but his type is a white guy in his mid-30s with dark hair. And I obviously don't fit that description. Last week, I asked whether he's really just not into me because I'm not his type physically. Most of you said it's impossible to know right now so just keep flirting and see what happens.

Well ... we chatted a couple of times online this past weekend. He was asking me what's the best neighborhood to live in once he moves here and where he could work part-time before getting into modeling. The second time we chatted we went back and forth for two hours. He said I was a shining example of a gay man, asked me loads of questions about my cultural and ethnic background (when I felt like I was rambling he said "I'm 10000% interested"), said he was sorry that in one online discussion forum he judged me too quickly (because back then he didn't know me as well), told me my name sounds beautiful, and when we were signing off he said "Good night, panda!" (yes, I cringed too, but I guess it was cute :)

But last night on this same social networking/discussion website we were talking about some random issue. This guy in my city started asking him when he was moving here and said "You're cute." My crush sort of blew the guy off on that public thread with a "Thanks. But I promise you. I'm not that great." Then somehow the city I live in came up in discussion on the thread and he said, "I'll be museuming, concerting, going to the park, conquering the city! CScott, can't wait for you to join me, buddy." My stomach buckled ... buddy? Four days after showering me with compliments and after personally messaging me to tell me I'm really handsome, now I'm in the friend zone?

Okay so I know this is an overanalysisfest. Forgive me. I WAS thinking ... maybe this guy likes me ... I mean he's told me he thinks I'm very attractive, says I'm a shining example of a gay man, says goodbye in what seemed like a somewhat affectionate tone (but maybe he's just weird), says he's "10000% interested!" in learning about my cultural background ... And now I'm his buddy. Okay okay ... this is ridiculous because I haven't even met him in person yet and I'm already trying to figure out EXACTLY what he's thinking/feeling. But all I want to know is if this is an obvious "let's just stay friends" situation so that I don't waste any time thinking there's potential when he gets here. ::Sigh:: Hard to figure shit out online. Curse the blasted internet! ::he writes as he finishes typing his Metafilter question:: ;)

Tagged out before I get to third.

chrisfromthelc — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:30:14 -0800

I can't seem to ever get to the third date. I searched, and came across this post, and it pretty much sums up my exact experience these days. Except that I'm a guy and not a girl.

I've recently gone out with a few different girls. First dates always seem to go well, second dates seem to go (at least, in MY mind) a little better. I've always made sure to communicate (assuming that I do) that I would like to see her again, and soon. When it comes time for #3, well, #3 never comes. I call in an attempt to set something up, and never get a response. Not even the "let's be friends" schtick.

Some of these girls are ones I've met from various dating sites, but recently, they've been friends of friends who were highly recommended, so I'm not completely sure the out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing applies. Or, maybe it does. I just don't know.

Does anyone have any ideas?

Dating a drug-user?

clown-mustard — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:17:35 -0800

I've been seeing this guy for over 6 months now, and everything is absolutley wonderful, except that he's part of a circle of friends that are very much into recreational drug taking.. I have some experience of drugs, but am now firmly anti-drugs because of the health risks etc. The issue is, we keep having quite bitter arguments about drugs - where i'm arguing its too risky and that there arent enough advantages to recreational drug use, and he argues that they are used for temporarily removing the ego and personal growth and development, which cannot be attained (or not as easily attained) without tripping or getting high. His friends have also preached to me about the same things, and despite the fact that i feel like they are being the immature ones... i find myself being treated like this immature, "brain-washed" person who isn't at all open-minded.

I'm hoping this is something we can eventually both be mature about and just accept each others opinion.

Is there something i am obviously not understanding about drugs? (i have dabbled in the past)... This is now involving his friends, what can i do?

Are mix tapes old hat or alive and kicking?

animerion — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 05:41:03 -0800

Are mix tapes (Mix CDs, online playlists et al) still relevant? Yesterday evening I was watching Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and it made me wonder if the concept of song compilations for the purpose of conveying one's feelings for another is still relevant. If so, at what stage of a relationship is it appropriate to present the recipient with said mix?

How do I proceed without alienating him?

animerion — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 14:51:06 -0800

Should I be content with just being friends, or should I push more? Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago, while out with a friend, I met a guy that he works with for drinks. We all had a good time, and I was almost instantly into this guy.

Since that even I have thought about this person quite a bit so I found him on Facebook (how high school, I know) and added him just mentioning we all hung out and such. He replied that he'd been trying to stalk me but there are a lot of people on Facebook with my first name and he didn't have my full name. So I got the add and proceeded to ask him he wanted to grab a drink some time. He accepted.

Earlier this week we went out, chatted for a few hours over several pints and dinner and proceeded to exchange our numbers and such. We chat on IM at work and text in the evenings (he's not much of a phone talker). I mentioned to him that I had a good time and suggested that we did it again and now I'm under the impression that that he's looking for friend because he responded that "he's always game for beer" and would like me to join his friends in activities and such. Which is cool, as I don't really have too many friend around here, but I was under the impressions this would lead to something that wasn't strictly platonic. Am I just being impatient? I tend to over-think, well, everything so I'm pretty much going in circles on this one. Any thoughts would be helpful.

What is a normal length for a honeymoon period?

dmbfan93 — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 10:51:38 -0800

In your experience, what is the average normal length of time a couple is in a honeymoon period before they transition to the normal day to day getting to know you phase of a relationship period? I'm looking for personal anecdotes, tell me what your experience has been. I know there is no one perfect answer out there, I'm just trying to figure out if this is a relationship I should pursue if I'm feeling like its only been two months and perhaps that period is over (or it never really began because he's really difficult to communicate with). I enjoy this person's company tremendously, we do a lot of activities together, however, we don't spend a lot of time just talking. We don't spend much time even fooling around, even though the attraction is there and its palpable. He avoids intimacy. How do I coax him out of his shell?

What is proper dating etiquette?

mintchip — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 19:52:54 -0800

What is proper dating etiquette? I used to always date one guy at a time. However, this left me waiting for him to call and with no back up plan if things din't work out. Over time, I realized that getting exclusive prior to knowing someone limits one's opportunities prematurely--before you have any real idea what type of person someone is or what they are looking for.

In the end, I am seeking a serious relationship. However, I now am comfortable taking a more slow, casual approach towards dating and I think it's helped limit some of the anxiety about dating that caused me problems in the past.

My question is this. It seems rather tacky to tell someone you have a date planned with someone else. At the same time, if you are seeing someone naturally they will ask what you are doing on other days and maybe who you are spending time with. It seems a little dishonest to say "I'm going to xyz with a friend." What is the best way to handle this sort of question?

Early on (before "the talk") it's assumed that you are dating more than one person, right?

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success?

coffee_monster — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 10:45:53 -0800

From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success? Am mostly curious to find out if anyone had similar experiences and can enlighten me After reading AskMefi for quite a while am finally ready to post my first question (yay!). So, am mostly looking for other people's experiences and perspectives on the following situation: Me (early thirties lesbian), been single for two years now, did the requisite yoga and counselling after the break-up and started feeling good about myself again. In fact, so good that I started dating again a while ago. Had some disastrous meet-ups, some so-so, learnt some stuff about myself, collected some interesting stories, so far so good. A month ago I met someone online, went on four dates, had fun, conversation flowed easily, didn't really do much more than holding hands when in restaurant/at the movies but the chemistry was clearly there.
Yesterday, date number five, we meet over at my place, finally have a chance to be alone, spend some quality time together, and well, hopefully move beyond the hand-holding stage. Once again, a couple of hours of very nice conversation, I try to kiss her and she goes - whoa, whoa, that's too quick for me, and can we be friends first and then see how it works because this is how her two best relationships worked out best for her. As in, she was friends with somebody first for a couple of months-year and moved on from there.
Ok, I think I know where I stand on this - I believe being in a no (wo)man's land where we aren't exactly dating but are friends (who started out with what I thought was dating-related activities) with a view to dating at some unspecified time later on - that sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster and a lot of drama. So I am most probably not going to pursue this for now.
Or am I wrong and there are people out there who were in a similar scenario and can share with me whether and how it worked? Not really looking for advice what to do, as I said, I think I know what to do, but am quite puzzled about the whole situation and would appreciate hearing from others. I searched through a number of questions but can't find anything related.

Rules for a Parent in a New Relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:12:06 -0800

It's been almost three years since my mother died, and my father has slowly been working himself back into seeing new people, but it's starting to cause major family drama. I'm 23 and live on my own in a different city, so this doesn't bother me much. But my 17 year old sister still lives with him, and she's really upset that this is going on. To make matters worse, the latest person he's seeing is my sister's favorite teacher from school. What can my dad do to ease this transition for my sister? What do both people deserve here? We'll call the characters Dad, Sister, and Teacher for the sake of clarity.

I've been kind of caught on the middle on this, mediated between Dad and Sister. Dad's basic argument is that the extreme dad-isn't-allowed-to-date-until-I've-left-the-house desire of my sister are not fair to him. In 18 months, my sister will go off to college and he needs to start building a post-children life. Part of that involves dating, and he doesn't feel like he can just put that on pause until my sister is gone, just because she's upset about the idea. He's been really clear that this isn't about him being unhappy with her, that he's not trying to replace our mother and that he's not going to try to make us think of her as our mother. He's not going to have more kids, although Teacher does have kids of her own. He ended up dating my sister's favorite teacher, which he understands makes this much much harder for my sister, but he points out that you don't have a lot of control over who you're interested in and who's available and sometimes it's not totally perfect for everyone around you and that we should just roll with it.

Sister's grievances are many and varied. The biggest one, as far as I can tell, is jealousy. Being a single child with a single parent forges a really tight bond, and the existence of this other woman (or any other woman) makes her intensely jealous. If Dad's not around some night to help her prepare for a math test, is he with Teacher? Did he pick spending time with Teacher over her? Did Dad push Sister to go to summer camp so he could spend more time with Teacher? If he's trying to cut a phone call short, is it so he can call Teacher? Does he behave differently towards Sister when Teacher is around to impress Teacher? It just drives her crazy thinking about everything that she never had to think about before. She did genuinely like Teacher before she found out Teacher + Dad were dating, but now really dislikes her and wants never to see her again, let alone have a conversation. That switch from liking Teacher to hating Teacher is also troubling for her - what she thought was a positive relationship was instantly soured by Dad.

Then there's a bunch of other related what-ifs that are driving her crazy. If Sister hadn't told Dad how much she liked Teacher, would they not have gotten together? If Sister drags her feet enough can she make Teacher go away? Since Dad + Teacher were dating while Sister was Teacher's student, what does Sister and Teacher's previous relationship mean now?

To Dad's credit, he's been pretty communicative about this whole process, to the extent that he thinks Sister wants to know what's happening. He asked her (and my) permission to start seeing people at all, doesn't ever bring them home, doesn't push for us to meet them, etc. He want to great, great lengths (like never being in public together in our relatively small town) to avoid Sister finding out that he was seeing Teacher while Sister was taking a class from Teacher, for which Sister is indeed eternally grateful. And Teacher will not be teaching at Sister's school next year, although Sister is still wigged out by the idea that people at school will find out Dad and Teacher are together. Dad also feels like Sister is fundamentally opposed to change of any sort, and is unreasonably upset about this whole process. He's willing to do whatever he can to make this easier for her, but doesn't think her fundamental adversity to change means that she can say "no dating" entirely.

So my question is - what's reasonable here? It seems like both Dad and Sister have very normal concerns. If we posit that it's not okay for Sister to veto relationships outright, how can we help assuage her issues with the process? Should Dad be asking her permission to do different things, eg hosting a dinner party for neighbors to meet Teacher, or meeting Teacher's kids, or introducing me to Teacher. Can Sister veto specific events that she's uncomfortable with? How can he demonstrate his priorities to Sister? Really, any advice about kids dealing with parents' new relationships would be useful here, since this is new territory for all of us.

Success stories from or about people in a relationship with someone who appears to struggle with loneliness, anxiety and introversion?

ninotchka — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:55:44 -0800

I'm looking for some success stories from or about people in a relationship with someone who appears to struggle with loneliness, anxiety and introversion. Can it be done? The intro: I've been in a relationship for some time with a man whom I believe I love, and who I believe loves me. However, I’m about to set off on something of a long trip (nine months), and am concerned that this may be a make-it-or-break-it-point (prior separations haven’t gone so well).

The pros of our relationship: He’s brilliant and funny. When we have good banter, it glows; and I feel that we have each other’s confidence. He is fair-minded and overwhelmingly just: I’ve often been as delighted by his innate sense of what’s right as I have by his wit and wisdom. He’s handsome, he’s savvy, he’s ferociously disciplined. He’s a good man.

The rough patches: Of course, there’s the usual stress of any relationship – but what I refer to here is something more – something different. He rarely touches me (unless I reach out to him first), and appears anxious a great deal of the time. I take on faith that he’s attracted to me, but…it’s mostly on faith at this point. Generally (and in past relationships) I feel fairly good about my appearance and attractiveness - but lately, that seems to crumble with him. He seems delighted, really thrilled when I touch him or reach out to him – but increasingly, it feels one-sided, and I feel more and more distant as a result. I often resent the “expectation” that I should be the one to reach out – resentment that is neither warranted nor helpful. You can see, here, the makings of an unfortunate cycle.

Calling Grandma: He sometimes shows real trouble with a few kinds of basic “human interactions.” Speaking about everyday topics is fine for him, but speaking about anything close to his heart can render him silence for four to five minutes at a time as he clearly struggles to have something to say (usually this will end in “I don’t know.”) Making a routine phone call to a family member, for example - where there’s no reason to expect that anything bad will come of it - can bring him to tears. On the whole, it seems like the “tap” is closed most of the time, and occasionally, when it opens, it is a torrential flow.

Self-consciousness?: In rare moments, he’ll let on what sound like fears of being criticized or rejected - and I think he sees himself as being very lonely. I’ve seen him endure what I’m reluctant to label “panic attacks” on numerous occasions – which by his description appear to be brought on by something akin to an extreme form of self-consciousness. Indeed, he seems tremendously self-conscious much of the time, to the point of being self-involved. I mean this with all candor and no recrimination – and I swear, I don’t take it personally anymore - but I no longer expect or hope for him to ask me about my feelings, thoughts or reactions, particularly within the context of the relationship.

A caveat: Having been in several relationships, I'm positive this isn't just a classic gender breakdown (and I do acknowledge that gender can and probably does play a role). And I freely acknowledge that I have all the foibles you can imagine – I am more often than not proud, willful and hot-tempered (to name a few). My pride, particularly, has led me to be stung by his words and actions at times when my energies would have been much better spent mending fences. If this were about blame, I'd have more than my fair share. But, I promise, what I describe here isn’t at all about blame – it’s about a real concern that there’s no way to make this work in the long-term.

The wrap-up: I want very much to make him happy, but I worry that not only can I not make him happy, I can’t make myself happy in this relationship either. In a nutshell: he shows great restraint with me, and me, I push him. I worry that my behavior makes him feel like he’s under attack, and I know that his hands-off approach (both literally and figuratively) makes me feel desperately lonely.

Dear reader: Have you been in a relationship with someone who sounds a bit like this - or do you know someone who has? How do you make it work? I'm willing to put in the effort - but I need help. And at some level - petty as this may sound - I suppose that I need to know I'm not the only one out there.