Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and crush

How do I keep my raging lust in check while getting to know someone?

velvet winter — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 18:07:00 -0800

Please share with me your best tips for keeping my raging lust in check while I'm getting to know someone I find very attractive. I’m a single woman in my early forties, and I recently met someone who's incredibly hot and sexy, as in "he makes me utterly weak in the knees with ravenous, raw, I-just-want-to-throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-fuck-you-senseless lust."

It’s been many years since I met anyone who stirred up such primal feelings of passionate sexual desire in me. Frankly, I was beginning to think I no longer had it in me to feel this kind of erotic attraction, especially this early on in the process of getting to know someone. Oh, was I ever wrong!

This man is someone I will continue to encounter in a social context on a semi-regular basis, since we hang out in some of the same places. We are casual acquaintances – we have several mutual friends, and these social connections are very important to me, so I want to tread carefully. I’m pretty sure he likes me so far and enjoys chatting with me about our common interests whenever our paths cross, but really, we hardly know each other at this point. I think he’s single, but I don’t know for sure, and even if he is, I have no idea whether he’s attracted to me at all or would ever want to date me. I’ve considered asking him out, and I might do that eventually if he seems receptive, but at this point I feel too emotionally and hormonally overwhelmed even to engage in a simple bit of low-stakes flirting to test the waters. I sometimes find myself nervously freezing up and hastily excusing myself when I’d really rather be continuing the conversation with him, and therein lies the problem.

Feeling this way about another human being is beautiful, to be sure, but it’s also frightening and unsettling. I get tongue-tied and jittery around him. I fear I will unwittingly tip my hand too soon or come on too strong, and ungracefully ruin my chances of having at least a friendship with him if it turns out he’s not single, if the interest isn’t mutual, or if either of us discovers that there is some kind of deal-breaker here. (This has happened before in my life - my erotic attraction once obliterated a budding friendship, to my great dismay - so the fear isn’t unwarranted).

Here’s what complicates matters even further:

1) I have been single, dateless and celibate for a long time and am craving companionship and sexual attention.

2) My sexual confidence is still shaky and I bear scars from a pattern of long-term emotional withdrawal and repeated sexual rejection in my last relationship.

3) This man is quite a bit younger than me (the “cougar” stereotype sucks!)

It would be an understatement to say I am less-than-optimally equipped to sanely handle voracious erotic desire for someone in this context. Help! How do I keep my intense lust and anxiety from interfering with the process of getting to know him better? If I find out he’s taken, not interested, or incompatible with me, it’ll cool my jets quickly. But in the meantime, I need some coping strategies to help me clear mental and emotional space to get to know him.

I read through several earlier AskMe threads on dealing with crushes, dating and attraction, but couldn’t find anything from this angle. Any and all advice is appreciated, and personal anecdotes are very welcome, especially from other lusty middle-aged women who’ve successfully navigated similar situations.

Coworker/crush's having a rough time. What can I do?

wayofthedodo — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 15:17:59 -0800

My coworker/friend/crush has just broken up with her long-term SO. Can I help her? So this is my first job, and I’ve had a crush on my coworker since we started. Since it is my first job (and I'm really bad with interpersonal relationships anyways), I've no idea how to handle it. We're friends, we text back and forth some times, and I make her laugh at the office without much effort. I helped her adjust to our hellhole office, she helped me deal with my ongoing quarterlife crisis. She's leaving to study for the MCAT in November for three months. She just broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and told me that she has been on the verge of tears ever since. To top it all off, she just had a really bad day yesterday. I let her know that I'm there for her to talk to. Is that all I can/should do? Help me hivemind, I'm so bad at this.

How do you stay flirtatious, witty, and mysterious when you REALLY like someone?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:42:40 -0800

Help me Don Juan Kenobi, you're my only hope; or How do you stay flirtatious, witty, and mysterious when you REALLY like someone? So here's the deal, I'm in my mid 30s, and when I end up meeting a member of the opposite sex that I find attractive, I feel as though I can be charming, witty, funny, flirtatious, etc. It greatly helps when the other person is even moderately interested in me and plays along... Generally, said person will then pursue me, or I pursue them, and we'll go on a few dates. One of two things eventually happens: either I (or they) will break things off if I (or they) don't end up developing stronger feelings, OR, I develop a MoNsTeR sized crush on them (more on this later). Anyway, I can easily be "my self" around the people that don't entirely turn me on. For some reason it's just easier to totally relax in their presence, which sometimes raises their interest level in me for at least the short tem, but eventually things fizzle either way.

My dilemma is when I date someone that DOES fill me with passion that I end up developing a huge crush/strong feelings for. These are the people that turn my dial up to 11. What happens is that my brain completely turns to mush. I stammer. I can't think of anything witty to say whenever I'm around them. I pretty much can't think of ANYTHING to say around them. It's as if I've been given a frontal lobotomy. My entire vocal style goes from lively and uplifting, to completely monotone. This happens EVERY time someone I have a crush on shows interest in me. I then completely lose my cool and end up showing TOO much interest in them, removing all elements of mystery. Then they run for the hills because this version of me is extremely un-interesting, and even a bit creepy. I don't do anything stalker-ish, but I just make myself too available to them and when we hang out I end up doing a great impression of Lennie from Of Mice and Men (rabbits, anyone?). Sometimes, I feel as though I can stay witty for the first one or two dates before I develop a crush, but as soon as that crush is set, it's as if my IQ drops by at least 30 points and I completely forget how to be flirtatious, talkative and charming. I am totally taken out of my game by these people.

So here's my question to you - what are some ways/tricks/techniques you use to stay cool and suave around the people who REALLY turn your crank? Is this a common dilemma? I understand the "you've got to just play it cool" concept, but for some reason I always turn into a spaz, no matter how hard I try not to. Is there a name for my 'crush-spaz-itis' disease? I see a shrink once in a while, and I plan on asking them too, but I figured I'd tap into the hive mind as well.

One thing to note is that several years ago I decided to get into a monogamous, committed relationship with someone that I was moderately attracted to, and had lots of fun hanging out with, but we DID NOT share any deep passionate feelings for each other. It was easy to 'be myself' around this person. Both I and this other person were honest with each other in our feelings, and we both postulated that maybe holding out for 'passion' would only lead to perpetual single-ness, and eventually I'd like to have kids/a family, and all that jazz. After a few years though, we both realized that we were just friends at best and decided to amicably break up. Thus, I'm now back at square one. Also, I have tons of hobbies, friends, lifestyle stuff, etc, so it's not like I'm looking for someone to fill some massive void in my life. I could easily settle down with someone who doesn't turn me on, but I'd rather not settle, ya know?

Throw away email: notsodonjuan@gmail.com

relationships of all kinds are hard to sort out

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:42:40 -0800

My dad died recently, and the resulting grief and intense emotional state I'm in have ramped up feelings I have for an unattainable person... a crush. I'm happily married, and this is confusing and painful. First the crush situation, in a nutshell: I’m happily married. I didn’t have much relationship experience and nil sexual experience before meeting my husband. We’re best friends. We have a good relationship, a beautiful daughter and still, after over 10 years of being married, good sex.

In retrospect, I’ve usually had a crush going over the years, something I attribute to being curious because of my lack of experience. I’m working on reframing this in my head so that it doesn’t feel like I’m missing out by not having a lot of sexual experiences. And it's helping.

The current crush is pretty serious… Or should I say, it’s taking up a lot of my brain time (I have OCD - being treated and therapied). He lives on my street, and I really, really like him. He’s funny, he’s sweet and really attractive. I don’t really want to be physical with him or go beyond some gentle flirting (well, I do, but I won’t). I’m also not blind enough to realize that he’s someone I would probably be incompatible with, should situations be different.

Now the grieving: To complicate things, since my Dad died just a few weeks ago, I really want to just be with him. He’s the only one of my friends who is single and without kids and can just do whatever spur of the moment. He reminds me of my dad in a lot of ways. I feel comforted by being with him. Frankly, I think being with him takes me out of my world that’s been recently turned upside-down. My husband and my daughter are going through their own grieving processes too.

I email him a lot, check his MySpace page quite often, think about him, occasionally leave him little happys on his doorstep, invite him over to watch a movie with us, etc. These gestures are not often reciprocated, but when they are, they are really nice – a cooked meal, a raked yard. I don’t know why, but that doesn’t bother me. He’s rather shy, and I think the gestures on my part have maybe helped him come out of his shell a little. But you know what? He hasn’t really said he’s sorry about my dad’s death. He’s listened to me talk about it a lot, but he’s not really made any efforts on his own to express sympathy.

I love my husband and my family devotedly. I also like him, and would like to continue our friendship. I just wish there was a way I could just turn off my feelings, and dare I say longing, for him. It’s getting painful and confusing. Maybe I would be better off by cooling this relationship down some? That just seems so hard right now.

I realize that I’m in a grieving period and a lot feels “off”, and while I feel comfort from my crush, I also feel like I’m spending too much energy on this and possibly hiding from myself. I would like to make some healthy steps here, but I don’t think I have the perspective to do so right now. Where do I start?

Thanks all.

Help me handle this complicated crush.

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 19:38:46 -0800

What to do now? I'm a single, mid-thirties female, and I have a crush. Oh, wait. It's a lot more complicated than that. I'm sorry this is so long... Here's the situation. I recently got back in touch with a good college friend after our being incommunicado for no particular reason for about 15 years. Since this happened, in about November, our communication has been steadily ramping up. First it was an email every now and then. Now it's IMing 1-3 times a day for at least an hour each time. I've found myself falling more and more into that fantastically happy crazy giddy state that is a crush. I could go on and on about this guy--he's funny, he's educated, he's sweet, he's making me mixed tapes (I KNOW!), and we've begun getting more in detail about hopes, dreams, fears, worries, issues, etc. We've both remarked on more than one occasion that we have some spooky coincidences with regards to everything from life outlooks to places we've lived over the years.

He lives about 6 hours from where I do, in a city that I happen to travel to a couple of times a year. At one point he mentioned he might be taking a trip vaguely nearby where I live (3 hours away), and mentioned that we should meet for lunch. I did him one better, and planned a trip to the city near where he lives. Two of my closest friends live there, and I will be staying with one of them. I let him know that I'd be in town, and it turns out we will be meeting up. This weekend. (For the record, I hoped that he'd be in town, but I'd have made the trip either way, because ROAD TRIP! FRIENDS! YAY!)

I'm *very* inexperienced with dating and rarely meet men that I click with. FINALLY, when I least expected it, I am interested in a guy. The way I've been thinking about it is, sure, there would be some potential challenges if anything happened (vastly different cultures, different religious outlooks, kind of different political stances--though we're both socially liberal), but none of them would be a dealbreaker. Tricky to deal with, but probably doable.

I also fully recognize that my fantasies about what could be are just that. Fantasies.

There are a few problems. One, I can't tell if he's interested in me "like that." I've straight up told him a couple of times that I've developed quite a crush on him, and his response has been...ambiguous. His responses have been jokey. "Don't worry, I'll eventually cure you of that notion!" which to me could either be a mild rebuff or a kind of unsure flirting. His actions have been more encouraging. Like I mentioned, he's burning me some mixes of things he'd like to share with me, for the ride home. He's planned an evening out for the group of people I'm going down there to see. He's offered to take me sightseeing. He took a funny picture of himself, captioned it, and emailed it to me, on a day when a couple of things had gone kind of pear-shaped for me.

Sorry to be so wordy. Let me sum up that last concern. I don't know how he feels. I haven't exactly asked yet. I'm scared to find out whether he likes me or not. I'm scared that he will. I'm scared that he won't. I'm not sure how to handle that. Any suggestions? Zen techniques?

The second question is of FAR greater consequence, though. Today when we were IMing, he disclosed that he's a recovering addict--alcohol and cocaine. He's been sober since about last April, and this isn't the first time he's done rehab. He says this feels a lot more positive this time, and that for once it doesn't feel temporary. He's also bipolar, but he had mentioned that before, and it didn't faze me too badly on its own.

Likely relevant information: I have my own mental health issues that crop their head up from time to time . I am currently climbing out of a depression that hit a few months ago (at almost the same time as this man and I began communicating) when I went off my meds, under supervision. Apparently my brain didn't like that so much and rebelled.

OK, so given the crush combined with the very recent disclosure of addiction, I'm completely thrown. I've been letting my little fantasy world ride around in my head mostly unchecked, and now there's this big bad scary situation.

My expectations up until just a little while ago were of going to visit, maybe smooching or holding hands, maybe not (but I was for sure leaning towards the "he likes me" side) and just being nice and mindful despite my zeal.

Background is essentially done.

Questions:

1) Can anyone please give me a heads up about the reality of dating someone who's recently in recovery? And who also has a bipolar disorder? Should I back away now? This scares me.

2) Can you give me some suggestions about how to chill out and just let things develop? (for now, and in general)

3) Any suggestions on how to gracefully move on from high hopes that get dashed? Major disappointments in dating tend to paralyze me for quite some time.

I've had friends tell me that I tend to reject men so that they don't have a chance to reject me. For what it's worth. I'm trying not to blindly do that.

You can find me a: crushedcrushaskme@yahoo.com

Met a girl, she has a boyfriend, so what to do?

TheSecretDecoderRing — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 06:36:41 -0800

About a year ago I met a dealer at a casino in another city. After a couple of subsequent visits, I mustered up the nerve to talk to her during while she was off-duty my last night there, and we got along well enough. It didn't take long until she mentioned her boyfriend, though, so how should I approach things when I visit again in a couple of weeks? I never figured I'd have much of a chance with her, and I fully expected her to already be taken, but needless to say it was still pretty heartbreaking. Not only is she possibly the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, but she was smart, personable, and fun to talk with. We were both surprised to find out we were the same age (late 20s). Things would probably be a lot easier if it had been a dull conversation so I could get over her, but as it turned out, a day doesn't go by where I don't think about her.

Being a pessimist, I figured exchanging numbers wasn't kosher given that she was in a relationship. But before she left, I told myself I'd hate myself if I didn't at least try to ask if she were willing to get a quick coffee or something. She politely declined, and we politely shook hands and exchanged names. In what seemed to me like a perfunctory manner, she added how nice a chat it had been. I'm not the "play the field" type, so should I be feeling so apologetic about the awkwardness of sort-of-asking-her-out?

Given that she's surrounded by male players at work all the time, I'd gotten the feeling she was a bit disappointed that yet another guy was trying to pick her up (and I'm sure that happens a lot). In any case, I'm sure she inferred that I "liked" her and hadn't talked to her just because she happened to be the dealer who was free at the time.

I'll be visiting the city again soon because I'm considering moving there so I can quit a job I hate, and hopefully find a new one there as a dealer (it was actually her that made it seem like an attainable goal). I can rationally say it's not a case of me trying to be closer to her. Heck, if I saw her with her boyfriend, I'd be even more miserable.

I'm fully aware she's off-limits, but she's a wonderful person and as someone already in the industry, I'd like to get to know her better in a platonic way. I can't deny I'll still have a crush on her, and as someone with not the highest self-esteem, I'm terrified to see her again, and don't want her to feel like I'm trying to push myself on her. After writing this whole darn thing, it almost seems obvious that I'm worrying too much and should just make some effort, but what's the best way to go about it? Now I feel gun-shy as far as asking to talk more about her job over lunch, or asking for her number.

Why is it embarrassing not to have romantic interest reciprocated?

socrates — Mon, 04 Sep 2006 17:41:06 -0800

Why is it embarrassing not to have romantic interest reciprocated? I just called a girl from one of my classes, and invited her to lunch on Wednesday. She said yes, but it was clear that she's only interested in friendship. Embarrassed that my romantic interest wasn't reciprocated, I then acted as though I had only meant it as a friendly invitation all along.

This is completely irrational. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone, and her lack of interest doesn't mean that I'm somehow inadequate as a person.

So why is revealing a non-reciprocated romantic interest so embarrassing?

And what are good strategies for overcoming this?

Three weeks to conquer a man's heart

doctorpiorno — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 12:23:45 -0800

[Gayfilter] I have a huge crush on a guy I've dated once, and he's moving abroad in three weeks' time. How can I let him know I desperately want to keep seeing him without coming across as a psycho? Hello, Hive Mind. This is going to be one of those questions with a ton of background, so please bear with me. I need your advice.

At the beginning of August I met a guy on the Internet, a strong contender for the title of most wonderful guy ever. We went on a date soon afterwards, which I enjoyed immensely, and I have reasons to believe he did as well.

Now, this hasn't happened to me before, but I have an incredible gut feeling about him. It's actually a bit scary: like, a few months before I had this running joke with my friends about "The Plan", a ludicrously detailed scheme to meet the guy of my dreams, which outlined the exact requirements in what I believed to be "amusingly elaborate levels of accuracy". Well, I'll be damned, but it's him - seriously, down to the smallest detail, it really is that bad. Needless to say, I have developed a huge crush on him. Not quite obsession-grade, mind, but far beyond the typical range of feelings my calm, collected self.

Problem is, he's leaving the UK to work abroad in about three weeks' time. I desperately want to know him better and try to confirm that first impression, but he's understandably quite busy preparing his trip and seeing his friends - we have kept in touch by e-mail, but I think I may only get one more shot at seeing him before he leaves, if at all. That's going to be my only window of opportunity to let him know that he's quite a bit more than a random shag to me. If I could open up a chance to remain in touch and possibly visit him once he's settled, I'm pretty sure I could take it from there, but I somehow need to get my proverbial foot in the door.

So, basically, I need ideas. I obviously need to do something about this, but how can I make him aware of my feelings without coming across as a raving madman or, at best, as an uncomfortably gushy species of loon with serious attachment issues? Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be highly appreciated; I’m at a bit of a loss on how to proceed.

Similarly, if you do believe I am a gushy loon with attachment issues, please let me know as well - I am well aware that I'm getting quite ahead of myself at this stage and that I may well need a reality check, so I come prepared for the worst.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Clueless-what to do about my crush?

bolognius maximus — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 22:46:42 -0800

I am seeking advice/opinions on the situation with my crush. So many questions - is it a hopeless situation? “Hi- (this is a long post, I apologize) I have been friends with this guy for almost 3 years, and I would say we are pretty close. I have had a crush on him for a while. I think it might be helpful to say up front that he is extremely shy, lacking a bit in self-confidence, and has never had a girlfriend or been kissed even. Also important to note is that he is one of those people who does not communicate so well. He rarely makes contact with others. People just know that you have to call him, and he’ll respond, but he won’t do any inviting or anything. (We have talked about it before, he and I, I would bet $500 that he has mild Asperger’s). Other things that I think are important (yes, i overanalyze): he has positive, open body language when around me, he remembers the little details about things we talk about, he makes strong eye contact when we talk, he was making obvious steps at breaking his personal space boundaries with me-though there still seems to be a bit of a wall.

We would hang out a lot and it seemed like he was hinting that he was interested in me. (He was interested in the nature of my friendship with one of his teammates-he thought that maybe I was sleeping with the teammate, but no, we are just friends. He also mentioned to me that even though as a football player he has access to sorority girls, but that’s not what he’s looking for) I am pretty sure that I am the only girl that he hangs out with, especially one-on-one. And we talk about everything. He’s very comfortable with me. I told him at the end of the semester (first week of May) that I like having him as a friend, but that I am interested in him as more than a friend. He didn’t really say anything, and I didn’t hear from him for a month. So I sent him a text, asking him if he wanted to come over and watch movies, and he did. For the next few weekends, he was over on Friday and Saturday nights, we had a great time, and he would always stay until 4 or 5 a.m. He was being flirty (which is not his normal demeanor), and putting out pretty obvious signs that he was interested. The subject of what I said to him was never brought up.

So, I decided to ask him about it. I hit him up on instant messenger, and asked him if he remembered it, and what he thought. He said that he had given it a lot of thought, and that he didn’t know. He also said that I was the first person to ever express interest in him in that way, and he didn’t know how to react. He said that he was (is?) interested, thinks we get along great together, but at the same time was unsure. It was going nowhere, so I asked him if he would feel better talking in person.

He came over, and usually he has no problem talking to me. He was very nervous. He told me that he was interested, that he had liked me before I said anything, that he had spent a lot of time thinking about it, but at the same time he had reservations (like the fact that we both graduate next spring). He started backpedaling and contradicting himself. On one hand he likes me, etc. and on the other not so much. He did admit that he was throwing out signals left and right that he was interested. The conversation wasn’t really helpful, and I was more confused.

I wrote him a letter. In it, I reiterated how I felt, and asked him for clarification on his thoughts. One of my friends helped me write it, and she phrased it so that he would have to decide if he wanted to date me or not. (I shoot from the hip, but usually not so girly). He responded, and his letter had more contradictions. He said that the letter made him feel "uneasy and a bit trapped". At the end, he said that if he has to make a choice now, he would have to say no-but that could change. A couple things were a little hurtful (but I don't feel that he was trying deliberately to hurt my feelings-he has issues with communicating). For example, he is on the football team. I am a tutor for the athletics department, and most of the football players know who I am (I am good friends with a few of them too). He said that it would be weird and embarrassing. His letter seems to have a lot of fear in it. I decided to just continue being friends, because I do value his friendship.

I invited him over via text a week later, just like I usually do. He responded in less than 5 minutes, came over, and it was just like before the letters. He was flirty, we had a blast, he stayed until 5 a.m. He also came over the next weekend, but it was a little weird. We were both really tired (but he still came over), and he wasn’t very talkative, and it seemed like there was something he wasn’t telling me. I asked him before he left if something was wrong, and he said no, but he turned red (so I think he wasn’t being truthful).

I guess I have a few questions. I am kinda clueless when it comes to this sort of thing. Does it seem like he’s interested or not? Why would he contradict himself? Is it foolish to think that he might come around and change his mind (if it does need changing-not sure here)? Why would he act flirty if he didn’t want to go there? Do you think he comes over because he feels bad about it, or has nothing better to do? Do you think that he just needs it to move at his pace? Should I quit acting like the buddy, being more flirty? Why the mixed messages? Is it just a hopeless situation (am I doomed to the Friend Zone)?

I feel like that if he really wasn’t interested in me that he would try to avoid me, because it would be awkward (am i off base?). I also would think that if he wasn’t interested at all, he would tell me that he likes me just as a friend. I feel like maybe he contradicted himself because I scared him and it moved too quickly for him. I think that actions speak louder than words, and that (maybe) guys don’t spend that much time with girls that they aren’t interested in. I think that the positives and negatives don’t add up. I don’t want to cling to false hopes, but I want to be fair. He’s the type of guy that ‘normal’ guy standards don’t seem to apply to.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and again, sorry it is so long. I hope someone can offer some advice or insight.

Crush on guy at work

speranza — Sun, 11 Jun 2006 08:05:40 -0800

So there's this guy at work that I'm getting a crush on... I just started a new job (he started at the same time as me) and we are in the same training group where we sit opposite each other, which means I am basically looking right at him all day.

He is very shy and I'm not exactly the most outgoing person either, and he has only initiated conversation with me once (it was work-related). I have not initiated conversation with him at all, other than to say "have a good weekend" on Friday, which took me about two hours to work up the nerve to do! However, there has been a bit of peeking over monitors and I've caught him looking at me and smiling a few times and I'm sure he's noticed me looking at him too.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not the best-looking girl in the world. I could do with losing some weight and I'm not especially attractive IMO. I don't get a lot of male attention generally. This guy is very good-looking, but not in an asshole-ish knows-it sort of way. Out of my league though, so I can't quite believe he might like me, especially considering that there is a really beautiful girl in our group. Why would he be looking at me when he could look at her?

Our training ends next week and we will be split into different teams, so it's quite likely we won't be so close to each other again. But I really like him and I wish I had the confidence to say something! I'm just too afraid that I'm reading this wrong and he's not looking at me at all (or at least not looking at me THAT way). This is the first time I've liked someone in a long time, and I guess I don't want to completely give up on the idea that he just might like me a little. But how do I tell? And if he does, what do I do now??

feeling better about myself - how?

different — Sat, 22 Apr 2006 14:04:22 -0800

I have an unrequited crush and need to get over it and stop obsessing. But how? The long and the short of it is, I have been crushing on someone from afar for a long time. We hardly knew each other, but once we started talking, I just came straight out and asked him what he thought of me. Predictably enough, he said that he likes hanging out with me, but I'm not his type and he just can't see anything happening.

So, fine.

What I'm struggling with is that he took pains to tell me that I was attractive but that he just couldn't see us being a fit in other ways. Ironically, perhaps unlike a lot of women, I'm very confident about my looks: It's my personality that I struggle with. And because I made a move after only a few times spent hanging out with him, we don't know each other well. So I'm freaking out that he knows so instantly that he's not interested in my personality! I've had therapy and know all the tricks that I need to apply for a longer-term improvement - but how can I cheer myself up in the short-term? I feel desolate, and foolish of course. Life eh?

How to take the next step with an online friend

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Oct 2004 12:06:45 -0800

There's this guy I like and have liked for a long time. I don't know if he has any idea how I feel, or if it would scare him away if I just asked him "Hey, I like you a lot, how do you feel about that?" I only know him online, we've never met, but it feels like we've known each other forever. Do I risk the cherished friendship we have by taking this step, or do I keep the status quo and hope that someday he'll realize that I'm always here for him, waiting?