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Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

Emotional intelligence and ability to be in a relationship

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:50:31 -0800

My bf calls me cold. I am 29 and he is 34. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was a child. My grandmother and aunt (they raised me) used the same word to describe me. I generally consider myself an emotional person. Not touchy feely or especially warm. But, at any given moment I can laugh about anything or cry about something. I can intuit other peoples moods easily. I am definitely an introvert and would hardly ever choose to spend time with other people if I can be alone. I love to be alone. These days my relationship with my family is pretty good. I see them every couple of weeks. I don’t have friends and I am not social but I do get along with people without any problems. My bf and I have serious communication problems. If he says something and I take it literally, then I am wrong. If he says something and I come to a different conclusion, then I am crazy. I realize that I do have problems listening and can’t deal with sequential instructions or immediate recall of details. This makes it very difficult to argue and make points effectively. I end up crying and feeling miserable and misunderstood.

Some background: We broke up in March of 2008. We weren’t talking. When we did it just turned into fighting. He wasn’t helping out with any bills. We’d been together 9 years at this point and I was over it. I didn’t have an emotional connection with him at all and was just going through the motions, actually preferring it when he wasn’t around.

We broke up. It was ugly. Despite the major change and turmoil that was going on in my life, I felt ok. Then I felt good. And then I felt content. Even though I never wanted to hurt him and wanted to be able to make him happy, I knew that he was suffering a great deal and I was just fine. He constantly says that I don’t care about him and that I am selfish. I feel like I do care about him but cannot control his actions. I also don’t think being selfish is always bad. If I don’t look out for myself who will?

After the break-up he wanted to go to counseling and I wasn’t having it. He would never have gone if I had suggested it while we were together. Apparently he went on his own. After several months I started talking to him again, and then hanging out, and recently I let him move back in. For a while everything was great. He was kind and accepting and never lost his temper with me. He’s been kicking in his share of the bills as well. Until now. We’re fighting again and the arguments are the same. Not the content, but the style. He called me psycho because I was concerned about the cats being too warm. We just moved 2 days ago and they are still a little stressed and anxious. They were panting a bit and I wanted to cool them off. He tells me that they’re fine, leave them alone. I said no, let me take care of them for a few. He did help me out but he was obviously aggravated because he thought I was being irrational and crazy. When I couldn’t find one of the cats he flipped out and said I was overreacting over nothing. This is what we fought about for the rest of the day. I explained that I felt that he disregarded my feelings and didn’t value my point of view. He responded by saying that he did because I was wrong. This is the kind of thing that I do not believe I can let go.

It also makes me feel like I just want to be alone with my cats again. I don’t like having to justify my actions and constantly defend myself. From his point of view he says that he bends over backwards to accommodate me and is constantly kissing my ass to make me happy. And that I do not care about him at all. He tells me that I must be going through some kind of emotional/chemical imbalance and that he loves me anyway. I am now 29 and have been with him since high school. This is basically the only relationship I know. Since I am not a social person I do not know what other relationships are like. I do not know if I am being too rigid as he would claim (tunnel vision). I don’t know if he is right about my inability to interpret what he is saying. Am I supposed to take him literally or not. In my communication with other people (at work and family) I try really hard to be very direct. I don’t think I am different with him. In fact I am probably more direct because I never want to leave anything open to interpretation. After a fight I need a little time to regroup. There is no make-up sex. I can have a conversation but the tension is still there. He would just rather I get over it. This morning he told me that he loves me even though I am bad to him. This came about because I’d been trying to wake him up since 5:30 am. He said that he didn’t need to wake up yet. Two hours later his boss calls and he tells his boss he overslept. I asked him why he lied to me and he said that he was in a dead sleep and I always make everything about me. He says he is really tired everyday and that he should go to sleep at 9 but he doesn’t because of me. I told him that he could go to bed whenever he wants and that he shouldn’t blame me. Then he says I am always trying to point fingers.

I would like to understand him and make myself understood. Have I become so self involved that I can not relate to his feelings or needs? Even if I am not with him I still want to be better. I am worried about not being with this guy because of what I believe are his issues and then having the same issues with someone else. My thoughts are so muddled and I am unable to effectively communicate.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 08:48:51 -0800

I find myself longing to be blunt about how I'm feeling and what I want in relationships, but I worry that I'll shoot myself in the foot if I don't play the dating game. Should I stop trafficking in ambiguity and try some plain dealing for a change? I am an honest, straight-forward person who believes that life is a whole lot easier if you just say what you want/think and hope that the people you're talking to will respond in kind. I've managed to stay pretty close to this ideal in my friendships - however, when it comes to relationships, sometimes I worry that my style of communicating comes off as too pushy, clingy, unromantic, etc. I guess I've kind of internalized the negative stereotype of the nagging girlfriend who wants to talk about the relationship all the time. But does that stereotype exist for a reason?

To be clear: I realize that for a long-term relationship to be healthy, people's communication styles have to be compatible. But I'm wondering what the norm is. I don't want to weird anybody out! I'm particularly interested in that early, ambiguous time at the beginning of relationships.

Some examples:

A few months ago, a friend of mine who I'd had a crush on for a while dumped his long term girlfriend. Said friend and I went on a couple of ambiguous outings before I finally decided to just tell him I liked him. He said he wasn't ready to date again, but we did enjoy a month long period of flirting and sexual tension. When he decided to get back with the ex, he stopped messaging me, texting me, and inviting me places. This was for the best, as I needed a little while to get over him, but now I want to be friends with him again, and he's still keeping his distance. My impulse is to just ask, "Is there something up? Because I get the feeling you're uncomfortable about something and I want to let you know that I'm totally fine with being just friends with you." Is that out of line?

Another example:

There is a new guy I like and who seems to like me. We went out on a date (or rather, we had dinner - who knows if it was a date) last week and I thought it went well, but my guy is the socially awkward type who I don't think would ever make the first move. Is saying "I like you. Do you like me?" unromantic? Pushy?

I feel like I frequently keep myself quiet about how I feel and what I want to say/do/know, and I wonder if that's actually for my own good. Maybe my straight-forwardness is an attractive quality to most people? (I know I love a guy who will just tell me straight-up what he's thinking.)

Or is the fact that this is even an issue a sign that I'm chasing after the wrong guys - that if we really clicked, chemistry and instinctive body language would do all the talking for us?

What do you think, HiveMind?

Should I look her up and contact her after all this time?

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 08:51:19 -0800

I've been out of contact with a certain friend for about five years now. She'd been dealing with bipolar (and relationship) issues for a while before then, but I'd never witnessed any signs myself. On a lark I recently decided to see if she was in the customer database at work, and she was, but I didn't open the profile. I've worried about her from time to time, but while it's tempting, I don't feel like I should look up her contact info that way. Is there any circumstance under which I could or should? Our mutual friends had fallen out of contact as well, but if any of them have gotten in touch recently, I wouldn't know since I haven't heard from them myself the past few months. So that sort of rules out getting their opinion on the matter.

If it weren't for her personal problems, I'd figure I had nothing to lose by just moving on, and would assume that if she wanted to resume contact, she'd have taken the first step long ago. And I readily admit that calling or writing her from a number/e-mail I found would be too weird.

But considering her (past?) condition, is it possible she'd actually like to hear from an old friend after all this time, regardless of what leads to it? Would it be any different than looking her up in the phone book (AFAIK she's not on any social sites)? Have any of you with first-hand experience in such matters had situations like this? If she'd been going through something when she disappeared, I could see how it might be awkward for her to get in touch again now. Of course, her contact info could be outdated so this could all be moot.

It'd mean a lot to see her again, but I definitely don't want to go about it the wrong way. Any questions, write metafilterrific@hotmail.com. Thanks.

long distance relationship blues

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 06:35:46 -0800

Met this person at work. Liked her. Since I work on the same team; I didn't ask her out on a date (kicking myself about this now). Three weeks later, I think she's interested too but my workload (14-16 hour days) didn't give me time for anything social, let alone going out on dates. Then she got a long term (1 year?) assignment in another country. She left. That's when I woke up, had a long conversation over IM where we both realized we were interested in each other and she had been waiting for me to ask her out. The complications. Long distance. We both don't want to do it this way. She hates IM and chat in general. The time differences are awkward (4-5 hours). We spend most of the respective days at work, which pretty much kills conversation via anything other than IM.

She's a devout Christian, I'm an indifferent agnostic. She has mentioned concern at my "lack of faith". That's a massive warning sign for me right there.

I'm more of the "so let's figure out how to make long distance work" persuasion, she's of the "let's wait till we're both in the same country again" camp. The lack of communication at this early stage alarms me. Rationally, I know this doesn't seem like it can ever work. Any advice welcome (especially on how to keep the communication lines open).

I will be in the same country for a couple of weeks, but I'm not sure a couple of weekends together is really going to be enough to make this work. thanks! posting anonymously because coworkers lurk on metafilter.

How to care for my geek husband?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 16:12:50 -0800

I need help understanding how my hyper-smart geek husband's brain works. I want to give him the understanding he craves but am having a hard time inhabiting his plane. I have been happily married for some years to a wonderful, geeky, man whom I love deeply. He's super intelligent (mathematician/computer scientist) and has tons of fabulous qualities, but even he admits that he's a "difficult" character: he believes himself to live a life of pure logic and despairs - literally despairs - at all the irrationality around him.

I'm also a geek, but to a less extreme extent (I'm also female - don't know if that's relevant). He admits that I am "more rational" than average but still at times rages at me for my idiocy when I don't agree with his "rational ideas". He does this to friends, acquaintances, and colleagues, too, with predictably disastrous results. My default reaction is to try to explain the causes and reasons behind mine and others' seeming irrationality, to talk about the complexity of real life and the validity of implicit social rules - but this infuriates him further.

I've pretty much come to the conclusion that as I love this man, I just need to accept how he is and find strategies to deal with the fact that there will sometimes be inevitable conflict.

However, last night, after a discussion about politics sparked off by him yelling "liars!" at the TV, he admitted to me that he often feels lonely not being able too talk about his ideas without them being "attacked", and pleaded with me to try to just "go with it" when he has some idea he wants to discuss. Now, I'm sure I often *do* do this (after all, he chose me to marry - I must occasionally get things right) - but frequently I genuinely don't know how, and we don't seem to be able to figure it out together.

For example, last night the idea he floated was that every person holding public office should be under video surveillance 24/7/365 as a condition of holding the job. I responded that this was unrealistic and that nobody would ever want office given this condition. I guess he was looking for me to riff with him on the advantages of such an idea, but frankly, I really thought it was lousy. I can't lie to him - not when he's seeking to have an intellectually exploratory discussion - but I don't know how to respond both honestly and postively when the "abstract" ideas he posits seem to me to be as realistic as deciding to raise unicorns.

Although he works with computers, his passion is mathematics, and he seems to believe that his mastery of formal logic qualifies him to "fix" things outside of mathematics. He tells me he's starting from pure logic and then wants help working back to reality. However, when so many of his "fixes" concern human beings, I find it really hard to take them seriously without immediately bringing in issues around human nature. This, to him, sounds like .. criticism? irrelevance? whatever ... it's not where he wants to go.

Maybe my discussion style doesn't help - I am used to rough-and-tumble intellectual debates, where challenge and dispute is not a negative but a spur to strengthen one's arguments. I guess I need to learn to turn this off at times.

He's a really, really, angry man, and I can see that it hurts him, as well as causing social difficulty. He doesn't want to "give in" and be like all the other "sheep" and claims to value integrity and honesty above everything else. He admits he is an idealist, and while I admire that, a large part of me wants to "cure" that so that he won't be continually disappointed when humanity fails to live up to his ideals.

I understand that you can't and shouldn't try to change someone. I accept that he is likely to remain "difficult" and abrasive. I would, however, like some advice on how to help him feel less alone. He tells me he'd like for just one person in the world to understand him, and he wishes it could be me. I wish that too - what should I do?

How to ask for a divorce after 26 years?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 23:30:53 -0800

How to ask for a divorce after 26 years of marriage? I want to do it in a way that causes as little pain as possible, and makes room for as much constructive problem-solving as possible. We got married when we were 28. After 4 months of dating, she gave me an ultimatum: marry me or I'll leave you. I liked her ok, but I was not in love with her. Still, I said yes, out of fear and insecurity more than anything else. I remember thinking at the time: If it doesn't work out, there's always divorce. Ha.

We had two kids. They brought us together, sort of, for a while. Now the kids are 16 and 17. I stuck around long enough to see them through adolescence. Many friends told me that was a mistake, that I should have just left. Be that as it may, here we are, and the time to leave is approaching.

She and I have never communicated well. At work and with friends, I can generally handle communicating on sensitive topics pretty effectively. With her, it has always been an immense struggle, and some years ago I gave up. Essentially, now, we don't even attempt to communicate.

She's against seeing a marriage counselor. I suggested it years ago, and she rejected the idea. She doesn't trust or respect them; she has contempt for everything to do with "psychology." She got her degree in science and considers herself to have a scientific world-view - no room for the "fuzziness" of psychology.

She has no friends. She worked at a couple of low-paying jobs several years ago, but there was always someone that she couldn't get along with, this always made her miserable (she couldn't draw boundaries or stand up for herself), and then she would quit. She hasn't worked for almost 20 years.

She was abused by her father when she was a child. She sees the world as ready to attack her. As a result, I have never found a way to disagree with her, or even to express a mildly different opinion, without causing her to put up such strong defenses that communication stops.

For my own sanity, I must leave this marriage. With the kids at the age they are, soon there will no longer be any reason for me to stay. At the same time, I want to do it in a way that causes the least hurt for all concerned.

I know that she wants to leave the marriage also - she has said, in the presence of the kids even, how much she is looking forward to the day when she no longer has to "serve" any of us. I called her on that once - was she saying that she wanted a divorce? She back-pedalled - no, she was just upset. That's a typical pattern: as soon as any of this submerged unhappiness starts to surface, she pretends it isn't there.

Is it even possible to communicate effectively under circumstances like this? We've developed a decades-long habit of not communicating, except about trivia. She will be understandably worried about money, which would make communication difficult for anyone.

I guess I could take the approach "Don't agonize over it so much. Just say it and get it over with." The thing I don't like about that is that it completely gives up on any attempt at coming to a mutual understanding. What I'd like to get across is, "Neither one of us is happy in this marriage. We should end it in a way that leaves both of us in the best position to move on. Let's talk about how to do that."

I have no idea how to get this message to her. I can't envision even how to begin a conversation on this topic without her going nearly into shock. She does indeed want the marriage to end, maybe almost as much as I do, but she's scared to death of what might happen (obviously, otherwise she would have left already).

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Or have advice on how to handle it? Any thoughts would be appreciated. For anyone who would prefer to talk about this over email, I set up an account at divorce.after.26.years@gmail.com.

Principles for when to speak up in relationships and when to keep your mouth shut.

philosophistry — Fri, 23 May 2008 01:08:47 -0800

What are some good principles and shorthand rules for when you should communicate what you're thinking/feeling to friends/friends-who-are-potential-lovers/lovers. I often see on Ask MeFi an exasperated, "just tell her/him everything you posted in your question!" Because of the force with which people urge me and other people to "why don't you talk to her about it" I've tended to err on the side of doing just that.

Unfortunately, while I've had some great successes from communicating and being up front in relationships, I've also had some embarrassing, stupid, and pointless examples too.

It seems women are the ones urging the most to "just be up front and communicate!" and yet it seems women also use incredible discretion.

What's the deal? Is it all just case-by-case? There's got to be like some grumblebee-style principles on this issue of when to be up-front and when to be reserved.

I'm needy--help! (pun intended)

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:21:11 -0800

I'm needy--help! (pun intended) Something that pushes my buttons is the feeling that I am being ignored. For instance, I have a really hard time waiting for someone to contact me when we are dating, and I get upset if I call or text message someone and don't hear from them. This makes me act all sorts of insecure.

I could go into a deep psychological interpretation for why this happens (there are reasons) but I would rather just learn to grow up. If I can't learn how to feel less needy, how can I act less needy? What are tricks for distracting yourself when you're obsessing about why he didn't call? How can you stop yourself from sending a text message or email to check in when you shouldn't do it?

I seem to have a lot of difficulty with modern forms of communication (cell phones, instant messenger, text messages, etc.) because when you know the person has received your communication but hasn't responded it feels like they are ignoring you. This makes me incredibly anxious. I really wish I could be more independent.

Advice for effective communication?

Phire — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 21:17:51 -0800

Whenever a relationship question is asked, it seems like the answer is always "communicate". Talk to the person, explain what's wrong, establish the communication barrier. I'm not saying the answer is wrong - after all, it's a requisite answer for a reason - but surely, it's easier said than done? So Hive Mind, what advice can you share on tackling difficult issues, be it with friends, family, or partners? Do you sit down and make them realize you need to talk, or do you segue into it casually? Do you think about it ahead of time, plan the topics and consider your points carefully, or do you start off on a tangent and say whatever comes in your mind?

How to deal with a brand-new geek boyfriend?

goofyfoot — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 17:44:42 -0800

My new lover is one of those lovely geeks. He’s never had a girlfriend. He has no frame of reference for the odd sexual awkwardness, the occasional times of coolness, the unapologetic want to be alone. I’ve had lovers and know this can be worked through, but he doesn’t. Do any former geeks have advice? So my lover of four months is the kind of geek you read about (and while checking previous askme queries I found this here). He’s in his mid-thirties and was sexually inexperienced until recently; I’m a few years older and have been in long-term relationships. For several months we’ve gotten along beautifully, except for one rather big thing: he is not used to talking.

Some of the posters here must have made the transition from being a loner to being a partner. Do you have any wisdom for him?

Help me stop calling her!

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 12:15:19 -0800

Give me some ideas to help me avoid calling someone. I am grieving the break-up of a long-term relationship. I dont know if the relationship can be salvaged at any point in the future but if it can be it will only be after we have some space and time apart. What can I do to dampen down the overwhelming desire to call her? I have been speaking to her every day for nearly ten years. Even when we have been in different countries we have always spoke together. We shared all sorts of experiences together: from the humdrum to the most uplifting and we have always had the other person to bounce back on. But I know that if we are to get any perspective and to move on either together or apart we need to get some space. But I have an overwhelming desire to hear her voice. Its tearing me apart inside. Practical advice would be most appreciated.

How do I handle dating several women at once?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 10:44:30 -0800

DatingFilter: How do I handle dating several women at once? I'm a male in my mid-twenties who's had some incredible mojo lately. It seems like every time that I go out I meet someone new who I end up going on dates with. In the past few months, I've gone on a ton of first dates, quite a few second dates, some third dates, and not too much beyond that. The problem is that I have a hell of a hard time explaining my mindset to the women that I meet. I'm usually capable of saying something like, "I just got out of a very long term relationship and am thus not really emotionally available for anything beyond casual dating." I keep meeting people who are really fun who I'd love to be able to maintain a casual relationship with, but it's close to impossible for me to mention that I am also dating other women. I feel like it's important to be honest about that fact, but I'm unsure about 1) what's the best way to get that across and 2) when is the appropriate time to let them know?

I end up cutting off all contact with lots of people becuase it seems like they're getting too into me, and hope that it will turn into something more serious. The last thing that I want right now is a girlfriend, and the possibility of something going in that direction terrifies me. I'd rather just ignore phone calls than have to tell someone that I'm not interested. How can I get over that?

The other problem is that I live in a small town, and I'm constantly paranoid that I'm going to run into someone that I'm dating while I'm out on a date. It hasn't happened yet, but I've had some close calls. Ideas for dealing with that terribly awkward situation? Humorous anecdotes would also be appreciated.

By the way, while I spend a lot of time at first and second base, I really don't have a lot of sex. When I do, it's very, very safe so I'm not really concerned with any health issues.

All you need is...?

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 17:28:42 -0800

How do you know when you're in love? And when do you say it in a relationship? I don't mean this as quite the chatty question as it seems, I'm actually looking for some specific help. I've always been someone who "fell in love" waaaay to quickly in relationships. Usually wasn't love at all, but some combination of lust + fondness + neediness + fear of being alone.

In the past 2 months, after about 3 years single (after spending most of my teens, all of my 20's, and a portion of my 30's in relationships), I've entered into a new relationship. I feel more mentally and emotionally healthy than I ever have. My new SO is more mentally and emotionally healthy than anyone I've ever dated. We're both obviously (and openly) crazy about each other. I find myself with a strong urge to blurt "I love you" at various times (and not just during or after sex), but I keep biting my tongue, worrying about falling back into old patterns. How did the rest of you grownups know when it was the real deal, and not just the lust/etc. factor?

What do you do when your spouse/partner/significant other is just being plain weird?

LittleMissCranky — Fri, 05 Mar 2004 11:51:40 -0800

What do you do when your spouse/partner/significant other is just being plain weird? Or rather, when (s)he's not being overtly bizarre, but is setting off your spider-sense all the damn time? [more inside] Something is going on with my husband -- I just know it. A lot of overexplaining, weird schedule, and just overall making me very, very uneasy. I'm usually pretty intuitive, so I really sincerely believe that something is up. There's no history of infidelity or anything like that.

So I guess that my question is how to address this. Do I call him on the weirdness? I've tried asking nicely, but it hasn't really gotten me anywhere.