Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and commitment

Should marriage even be a hard question?

namespan — Fri, 08 May 2009 18:38:15 -0800

Should marriage even be a hard question? Are there people for whom it was who end up very happy together? I know some people who think this decision should be mostly easy, and is, when you meet and develop a relationship with the right person. This view is very attractive in some ways: it seems to simplify some decision making. I'm looking for other points of view, formal or personal (but I'm willing to entertain points of view that reinforce the idea that "just knowing" is a better way).

My question isn't really abstract. I'm in a situation with someone who is lovely, sexy, smart, fun, and generally all kinds of awesome. We've known each other for four years, dating occasionally and across state lines for the first two years while communicating a lot long-distance; we've been together for most of the last two years, except for the last few months. She's been head over heels over me since we first met, I've been slower to get in but really liked her from the beginning and have come to love her very much. We've had some very happy times and a close connection.

Despite this, there's been a lot of tension and some trouble in the relationship, no small amount of it related to the fact she's always been ahead of me in terms of how much deeper she was in, and we've managed to make ourselves miserable over the question of whether this would lead to marriage. She's at the point where she's ready to move on. I know we're both wondering if the fact that this is difficult is the answer itself, but I also wonder if sometimes people can get stuck in some ways that keep them from getting to the other side even when it could be completely fantastic.

I'm more interested in abstract answers (studies, anecdotes, philosophy) about how couples who go commit from this point tend to do than direct commentary on my situation, but measured advice is also welcome if my question shakes something compelling out of you.

How do i tell her not to see him anymore?

oviedo — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 20:47:59 -0800

How do i tell her not to see him anymore? explanation inside. So here's the deal.
I've been seeing this girl pretty consistently for the past 2 and half months, and we've grown quite close (hanging out a lot, talking daily, a lot of physical stuff), but she isn't ready to actually commit to me yet. I've talked to her about it, and i'm comfortable with where we are (not to say that i don't want more).
Anyways, the problem lies with her ex, whom she dated for nearly 3 years, goes to the same college, shares her same friend group, and is around all the time. Unfortunately, this man was her best friend for the last 3 years, and even though he was a huge d-bag (he cheated on her consistently for a year) she still has a hard time giving him up completely.
This bothered me for a while, but over the last month, since she told him about me, she has been telling him that she doesn't want to see him anymore and for him to leave her alone. But he is quite persistent, tell her he loves her, begging her to come back, etc.
This of course troubles her deeply, cause their relationship ended only 6 months ago, so there is still some emotional attachment, especially since she has only begun actually taking space away from him in the last 2 months or so.
So.. Today, she asks me if it's ok for her to go to his parents house to use their barn for her photography project. I didn't want her to go, and i told her i felt uneasy about it, but we aren't actually dating, and i certainly didn't want her to think that i'm the kind of guy who is going to tell her what she can and can't do. Well, i tried calling her tonight and she stopped my call 2 rings in, and then texted me that she couldn't talk cause it's been a bad night and it continues to be so. this was almost 2 hours ago, and she isn't responding to my calls or texts, which means he's being an ass.

I want to tell her that i don't want her to see him anymore. How?

How do I learn to trust myself/my partner?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 11:24:16 -0800

Relationship over-analyzers: how did you get over the need to worry about your relationship so much? I'm a mid to late twenties male who has a very extensive dating history, with relationships varying from three months to three years. I have dated an absolutely wonderful girl for six months and things are amazing. That said, I have a few personal issues I want to address because I feel they would put my own mind at ease.

First, I have had a long history of infidelity in relationships; I realize that one of the reasons I did this was the need to serially date; dating people who I had an infatuation with but who I didn't necessarily want to be with long-term. I'd meet someone else, become infatuated and start dating them instead. In short, I misrepresented my intentions to them and to myself. While I think I've gotten over that, I still fantasize about being with other people, despite being incredibly happy in my own relationship. Does the idealistic look at greener grass ever go away or do you just continually rationalize your decision to be with your partner?

Second, I have issues with over-analyzing (obviously). I realize this is likely to do with feelings of inadequacy but how does one deal with it on a day to day basis? I love this girl and definitely see her as the person I want to be with, but I worry that she doesn't feel the same way. She tells me she does and I want to believe it as the truth. I've never had my trust broken before so I find it odd that I would have trust issues (I think it has to do with my own ability to seem like one person and turn out to be another). Do I have to forgive myself for my own discretions before I can let myself believe she's really committed to me? How could I go about that?

If anyone could point me to resources (books, theorists, etc.) that might help me, I'd appreciate it.

So, he mentioned that he wants kids...

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 06:57:33 -0800

What does it all mean?! I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, and though we have really great personal chemistry, it took us awhile to become physically involved. The first night we had, um, relations, just before we kissed, he mentioned that he wanted kids and asked me how I felt about children. He has hinted that he wants to settle down in the long run. We haven't really spoken about our relationship, but it would seem to me (and maybe I'm just being a complete girl) that he wouldn't have brought up kids if he weren't at least interested in this being a long-term sort of thing. Any thoughts?

Ring Around Your Finger/Rope Around Your Neck, short term/long term

emhutchinson — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 15:06:22 -0800

When you consider marriage, do you have a time frame? Not for the ceremony, mind you, duration of the bond itself. When you were married, did you think forever or hope for ten to twenty? More? And if you are as yet unhitched, do you think towards the future in terms of numbers, or an indefinite?

How to address recurring doubts about a long-term relationship

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 13:27:04 -0800

In serious, long-term relationships, how have you dealt with nagging doubts? How have you sorted through those doubts and then either set them aside and committed yourself, or decided to end things? The question is about decision-making, getting out of ruts and cycles, and discerning what's real out of a set of mixed feelings.

I'm 30 and female, and I'm in a four-year relationship that is generally sweet, solid, and good. I love him a lot, we share lots of values, and sometimes I daydream about us getting married and having children. But I also have this nagging feeling that though things aren't bad, they're not good either -- that we're not close in certain ways I want to be, that I might be happier in another situation, and that because of being with him, I might be unhappy and lonely in low-grade ways.

Here's how the cycle of doubt looks. We'll be going along happily until something small will happen that sets off some doubts.¹ For two or three days I'll try to suppress them as my internal worries grow.² I'll feel increasingly afraid that I've been living in denial about problems. I'll have a heart-sinking feeling that maybe we shouldn't be together and think "how can I be serious about this relationship when _____?"³ Then I'll talk to him about the issue,⁴ and we'll resolve to try to improve it somehow. With that out in the open and hopefully on the road to improvement, I'll feel closer to him, and we'll get back into our daily groove for the next three weeks or so, until this happens again.
1. eg, at a wedding, I’ll enjoy talking with the other people more than with him
2. eg, I’ll think about the frustrations I know I have with our conversations (interruptions, him not really paying attention), and then I'll start to think about what all that might add up to
3. “…when we don’t even have good conversation? That’s a huge part of everyday life!”
4. say, the next time he responds distractedly, I’ll let on that it really annoyed me, and that will lead to a conversation about the bigger concern

I want to stop this cycle of doubt somehow and be more constant and happy. I realize relationships have ups and downs, but I'd like to keep them from rattling me so much. I don't like feeling so unsettled, and I don't like unsettling him. I'd like to stop this cycle of doubt and either really commit to this relationship or move on.

I almost posted a list of what is working well and what issues I think about when I'm freaking out (there are a few that recur). But I'd rather hear how you have sorted through doubts in your own relationships. How have you decided you could live with things as they were, solved the problems somehow, or decided to break up? I realize it's tempting to tell me what to do ("eg, you get unstuck from this cycle by breaking up"), but what I'm really asking is how to figure this out for myself, how to decide to break up, or on the other hand, about how to address these doubts or leave them behind. Thank you for reading this long question.

What are the limits of couples on a break?

cincinnatus c — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:31:25 -0800

Should I give up getting back together with her? Two months ago, my girlfriend split up with me, after two and a half years. The reasons she gave were that she had been depressed for quite a while about very problems in her life, and she didn’t think I was committed enough to help her through them. She wanted a committed future that she didn’t I wanted. Her doubts were understandable – I had been avoiding the subject of ever living together; there is a possibility that she will have to move cities for work later this year & I didn’t make it clear that I intended to go with her.

It was pretty much understood by both of us, though, that we might not want the split to be permanent. We kept in daily contact. About a week after splitting up, there was an evening when she didn’t answer the phone all day and all night. I was really worried about her. In the morning, daftly, I decided to go wait for her at her bus stop on her way to work. I know this was a stupid and creepy thing to do. Anyway, she came out of her house with another guy – a guy from her work who I’d been getting slightly jealous of for a few weeks because they’d been getting really friendly. (I didn’t confront them – I ran away before they saw me.)

Later that day, I told her that I’d seen them. She was really upset, said it was just a mistake, “I don’t him I want you!”, and she was worried that she’d messed up her friendship with the guy. I forgave her, admitting to her that around that time I would fuck anyone too just to try to forget about the split.

Over the next few weeks we met more and more often and it was just great. I realised how much I loved her, and what an idiot I’d been about commitment stuff, and we talked about moving in together and stuff, though we weren’t back together. We were always hugging, often kissing, and occasionally having sex. I definitely wanted back with her. She still wasn’t sure.

On Christmas Day she gave me a big gesture of a present, with a message that she wanted to have another try with me. I was full of joy. However, she had family staying and I didn’t get a chance to be with her for about a week, by which time she’d gone a bit cool, and said she’d panicked a bit after Christmas. So we weren’t back together after all.

Since then, things have been great, in a way, but I find it difficult to deal with the not knowing what will happen. We are still definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but we talk about getting a flat, even marriage and children.

Cut to last night. She was supposed to be coming round to mine to watch DVDs, but cancelled because she’d forgotten that she’d arranged to meet a (female) workmate for a drink. Later on, I tried calling her and she didn’t answer again (I should mention that she does this sometimes when she’s really depressed or just tired). I called her in the morning too – no answer. So guess what? I hung around at her bus stop again this morning. Stupid, huh? What happened is: she didn’t come out of her house. She must have stayed elsewhere.

I got an email from her this morning that she was sorry, she’d fallen asleep early after a couple of drinks, missed my calls in the morning and had no credit on her mobile to call me back. Now we’ve arranged to meet for lunch.

I suspect she stayed with the other guy. The thing is, I usually speak to my girlfriend every day, so I usually have a good idea about what she’s up to, and I know for sure that she’s not going out with him secretly. She just hasn’t got the time. (For one thing she was with me 5 nights out of 7 last week.) If there’s something going on, it must be quite casual. Also, I've asked her straight if there's anything going on, and she's said no. We didn't break up because either of us wanted to see other people.

So I’m meeting her for lunch. The question is, what do I do? Is it any business of mine considering we’re not actually a couple? Should I just keep quiet about being there this morning and see how things work out between us? If she slept with him, can I forgive her again because she’s free and single so she can do what she wants? I really would like to be able to do this and not feel like a complete chump. But do I have to dump her for good?

How do I get over my fear of commitment/grass is greener syndrome?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 10:39:02 -0800

How can I get over my fear of commitment? And what are some ways of dealing with the fear that I am somehow "settling" in this relationship? I use they and them to obfuscate gender
I was really lucky and found someone who is incredibly compatible with me. We get along, we have similar interests, but most importantly, we have really compatible approaches to life in general. It's hard to explain that, suffice it to say that pretty much from the first time we talked it was very much like meeting a kindred spirit.

We have a lot of fun together, the sex is pretty good, they're smart, I'm smart.

Here's the thing. My sig oth feels like we are supposed to be together. I don't really want to get into the dating scene anyway, and I'm perfectly happy to be with them and in fact if someone pointed a gun at my head and told me to get married to somebody, I would marry them right away and probably would do so without any real regret and live happily for the rest of my days.

However, I have two problems. The first is that the thought of this kind of commitment is very scary to me. My S.O. is starting to talk about us living together and making long term plans and when this happens I freak out inside. When I started the relationship long, long ago it was supposed to be my experiment in "casual dating" so I didn't really imprint on them initially like I have SOs in the past. It took a long time for the ILYs to come out (on my end, at least). They're not pushing marriage but they are pushing long term commitment and even though I have no plans to get involved with anyone else I still find it constricting somehow.

The second problem, and this is where I reveal my shallowness, is that there are certain aspects to their appearance (and, to a much lesser degree, their personality), that get to me. Basically, this person is almost the exact opposite of what I've thought of as my physical ideal. My S.O. is still cute and good looking and now that I love them I think of them as beautiful, but they're not likely to stop traffic. Every so often I see other people and find them (mostly on an abstract level) more physically attractive then my SO. Also, my S.O. is intelligent and fun but not very daring or exciting, which is something I feel sexy. Sometimes I find myself similarly attracted to people doing exciting or impressive things. I feel really, really guilty about this sometimes as well. So sometimes I worry that I could be dating one of these "attractive" or "exciting" people instead, and I wonder if I might easily be compatible with someone else.

I don't want to break up with my SO. I love them and want to stay with them, but I want to exorcise these demons of doubt. Ideally I'd like to hear from people who have weathered through doubts or commitment phobia and are now clear of it. If you have an anonymous-enough account I suppose you could even share about a relationship that you're in.
Again, sorry if the they or them was confusing, but I felt like it was necessary. Also, I know sometimes people leave emails here but I won't because 1) afraid it might get back to me somehow, 2) don't want to take the trouble and 3) want answers to show up here so they can help other MeFis in the future.

How can I diffuse my predilection for long-term relationships in order to make the most of things short-term?

dorothy humbird — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 16:54:01 -0800

Is it possible to recalibrate my thinking/expectations to accept the circumstances of casual dating? For as long as I can remember, I have thought of relationships for myself as serious commitments. Dating casually, for me, has always seemed superficial and flaky; I have often said that I don't believe in "dating" as a concept. There was a time when I rejected all semblance of dating outright, and adopted a policy similar to (but modified from) the "courtship" method touted by personages like Joshua Harris.

However, I got into my first relationship via circumstances completely at odds with what I had earlier professed as my requirements regarding dating; this ~1 year committed relationship met its end about a month ago when I ended things due to problems inherent to the relationship, and because I had become increasingly convinced that I might benefit by dating other people.

...Dating?! Numerous people?! It seems my perspective has changed. Now I am faced with a situation wherein I am attracted to a new guy and he is attacted to me. However, there are apparent limits on the seriousness that a relationship between us could progress to, chiefly because within 6-8 months he is almost certain to move out of the city, out of the state, and very likely out of the country. I'm sure this situation wouldn't be a problem for someone who hadn't spent most of their teens and early 20's conceptualizing relationships as long-term undertakings, but that is my unique plight: I cannot conceive of a casual dating atmosphere. My default frame of mind is The Future and Where Things Will Go, and my default expectaion is for Things To Last A While. But, it seems like in my current situation, if I want to enjoy what my options are I have to live in the moment and foster no grandiose expectations.

A few notes for reference:

I am 22. I'm female, but I'd appreciate it if responses relied on tactics other than gender distinctions to make a point.

Re: New Guy Situation - we have both professed to like each other, have spent a great deal of time together, almost exclusively one-on-one, and generally seem to be quite compatible.

"Casual dating" in this scenario means dating one person exclusively, but without long-term aspirations (see aforementioned limits).

So. My question boils down to: what can I do/tell myself to keep from overcommitting emotionally?

Cold feet--just a phase?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Mar 2006 07:01:50 -0800

Can I talk my boyfriend out of cold feet? Should I even try? We've been together for eight years, two of those in a long-distance relationship. For almost a year, we've been planning to move in together and marry when I return to the West Coast.

That return was supposed to be about four weeks from today. I was just days from giving notice at my job and buying a one-way plane ticket when my boyfriend called and said he's not sure he can "do this"--meaning cohabitation, marriage, lifelong commitment. He wants some time to think (which is fine with me, provided it's not too extended a period of time) and claims to not be interested in anyone else. He says it's not me--he told me he loves me and called me "the perfect girlfriend"--but that the problem is entirely his own qualms about commitment.

So what do I do? I'd like to hold on to my dignity, but I'm not ready to walk away from this relationship.

Can anyone offer some insight? Suggestions? Is there any hope for my relationship?

Should I stay or should I go now?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Nov 2005 21:04:45 -0800

I'm about to end what is a very good relationship overall... ...but it's not perfect.

In fact, it's not really close to perfect, but at my age (34) I don't expect perfection. I expect perfect compatibility for a few deal-breakers, and then everything else is negotiable.

All the deal breakers for us are in place except for one. I'm loathe to mention what the missing piece of the relationship is. I fear that others would denigrate my decision to even consider ending a good relationship "because of that?!?!". Needless to say, it is something very, very important to me. I will say, however, that it is not an issue of sexuality, monagmy v. polygamy, etc. We are compatible on the sex scale. It is also not an issue of offspring, as we have no intention of having any. We have discussed the specific issue ad nauseam and it has become clear that she has no interest in compromise, and believes that her ideal partner would and should accept this decision.

I am 34, never married, no kids at all in the picture. She is 31, never married. We have been together one year. We live together in my house.

I feel like if I do not end the relationship, I am in fact settling, which is the one thing I said I'd never do. On the other hand, she is the closest I have found to the one who meets all my criteria, at least since my late 20's, which is when I really established what my criteria in fact were.

I guess what I would like to hear from mefites is: A) Did you ever compromise on a deal-breaker to sustain a relationship, and do you regret it or was it it the right long-term decison? Conversely, B) Did you ever stick by your guns, end a relationship and end up better off or extremely regretful that you let that one slip away?