Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and cheating

Why am I suddenly having these dreams?

kleenkat — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:31:39 -0800

Why have I suddenly started to dream about other women? Here is some background info... I am not married but in a long term relationship with another woman for about a year and a half. (I am also a chick). We recently purchased a house together and will be moving next month. Also, I just turned 29 and my parents recently divorced this year after 30 years of marriage. I have dreams about random stuff like this maybe a couple times a year, not often. BUT, in the past three nights alone I have had dreams with consecutive themes-- I am with another woman, or cheating on my girlfriend, or she simply does not exist.

The first dream I had reunited with an ex, my first "love" and real relationship, so to speak who I was with for three years and also have had unresolved issues with for the past couple of years since we split. I have since moved on but from time to time get nostalgic and/or have dreams. This dream was one of intense love.. I remember embracing my ex and saying "Please don't do anything crazy until I'm done with this semester of school" (I'm finished grad school). I am having a hard time with school, work, and remodeling our house right now I guess is why I said that. but in my dream, I felt so much love and my current girlfriend didn't exist.

The second dream was with some "weird" girl who was kind of hippy or bohemian, I didn't know her, and we just had a weird sexual relationship/friendship. She shared a house with a bunch of weird people, etc. I don't know. Again my current girlfriend wasn't present.

The third dream was about a girl in my class who honestly I had not even thought about since the 1st day of class. I just remember thinking, "man I am old" since it was an undergrad and the class had both undergrads and graduates. Not attracted to this girl in real life, and I don't think we have even spoken. But in my dream, we had a really awesome friendship and relationship and the sex was amazing. She had so much spunk (again I dont know this girl at all) and was really fun to be around. I kept telling her something like, "I can't do this, blahblahblah, my girlfriend" ...then I got really frightened she was going to blab about our affair to my current girlfriend. anyway I woke up and was like, WTF?

Why am I having all these dreams about other women.... maybe sometimes I think my girlfriend is not very fun or very spontaneous, but, I do love her very much and she is funny. The sex is OK. We are very compatable as mates, and after the whole thing with my parents, and since I was very young, I've always questioned the reality of "love" and the assignments to the word.... I ask myself all the time if it is real, have I have been "in" love, etc. But I think I just suffer from the "grass is greener" syndrome. I am happy with her, I think I may just be ready to get out of this small apartment, and done with the hectic semester. Oh, and quit dreaming about other women because it makes me feel like I missed out on something, but that may be wrong of me to thing/feel. What do you think? TIA...

Profiling cheaters?

Ashley801 — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 12:42:31 -0800

Has a study ever attempted to identify characteristics or behaviors that go along with cheating in relationships? Has a study ever attempted to identify specific, *tangible* characteristics or behaviors that correlate with cheating in relationships?

Made up example: "People who dance the waltz cheat at X rate compared to people who dance the Charleston." Or, "People who cheat are more likely to have better credit scores."

I'm interested in scholarly, well-designed studies. I know there's a lot of pop psychology out there about this.

What to do after you open Pandora's box?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:34:22 -0800

My husband is cheating on me and has been for at least two years. He doesn't know I found out. Now what? I've had suspicions for a long time, but nothing concrete that I could point to and say, "See!" It was just uneasy feelings. We used to share a computer and one time I found a lot of gay porn links in the history while trying to recover a tab had accidentally closed. I talked to him about it, but he said he had misclicked, and like I said, I had nothing really concrete to point to.

A couple days ago he was in the bedroom on his lap top, it was late, and he came out kind of in a rush and asked if I wanted one of those iced coffee drinks from Wendy's because he wanted a frosty shake. I said sure and he went off. He was gone a long time. Longer than would be normal, so I texted where are you? He texted back that he had gone a whole town over to the Starbucks. It seemed odd to me because he had just scolded me about money and Starbucks by us is way more expensive than Wendy's. But Starbucks was closed and he was going with his first choice, and he'd get me coffee at Wawa. I reminded him he said Wendy's and he got flustered and said he was getting a milkshake from Wawa.

It just felt off and I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I went to the bedroom and opened his lap top. It was on and his gmail account was up. He was exchanging e-mail with someone from craigslist, and they were discussing some meet up place with glory holes and stuff. My husband was telling him he'd been going for at least 2 years and was happy there.

I was off by the time he got home and he handed me the coffee. He didn't even have a milkshake himself. It was weird.

The next day I ran his email name through google and he had used his e-mail name as his user name for a website where you advertise for quick hookups.

I don't know what to do. We have a young son together. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked in over 5 years. I have no money because my husband has always said he works for the money so it's his, and I get only what I need. So I feel really helpless. I know this is going on, but so what? I don't seem to be in a position to do anything.

I'm embarrassed and scared, and my chest hurts all the time thinking about this. I haven't told anyone in my family because there's so much going on right now like weddings and stuff and I don't want to ruin anything, and a lot of them thought I was too young to marry and would be very much I-told-you-so.

What should I do next? Who should I talk to besides him? I don't want to continue this marriage.

ifeelsostupid@gmail.com if you have advice too long for a comment.

How do I process – I never tried to hurt you but I’m sorry if it happened, it wasn’t my intent, it was yours, get out of my life forever?

sav — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 18:59:31 -0800

My question is about intent? If you hurt someone with what you perceive to be their and your best interests in mind, while simultaneously knowing that what you are doing will hurt that person, is it any different than actively trying to hurt the person. Does duration and occurrence play a role? If I don’t mean to hurt you, but know I am and will for 4 years is it less bad than a single act of active hurtfulness? Is it possible to want to hurt someone you love in an extreme moment but still love and care for that person? Is it possible to call that love? I am recently out of a 4 year relationship that was plagued with lies from the beginning and ended very badly. The other person maintains that they didn’t actually try to hurt me, but were in a position where they had no choice. I believe that this in part may be true but there is also an aspect of extreme selfishness that put their desires ahead of my well being. This person maintains that many of their actions were to primarily protect me from the truth which they themselves were unhappy with. And that their actions were in part caused by having to make a very difficult decision which they were not strong enough to ultimately make. They had another SO throughout the duration, and at different times were in love with both of us. This person did everything they could to keep me or part of me in the game, both physically and emotionally. I have to admit, I am still partly in the game, at least in my heart as this person was the love of my life.

At the end, 4 years later, and 2 years after beginning to notice and question the oddities in my life, doing everything thing I could to understand these and try to gain a level of normality in my relationship and my life, putting all else aside to focus on repairing the damage that this caused throughout; I did something which may be perceived as revenge. I got in contact the other SO, to discuss what had happened to both of us, to understand what my life was, and in part to ensure that the other SO also knew what I knew about the behavior of our SO. At this point, and this point came at a moment of extreame pain directly caused by this person, I decided that everyone had the right to know everything, and that everyone should know everything, for the health of everyone, including the person I love.

My question is about intent? If you hurt someone with what you perceive to be their and your best interests in mind, while simultaneously knowing that what you are doing will hurt that person, is it any different than actively trying to hurt the person. Does duration and occurrence play a role? If I don’t mean to hurt you, but know I am and will for 4 years is it less bad than a single act of active hurtfulness? Is it possible to want to hurt someone you love in an extreme moment but still love and care for that person? Is it possible to call that love?

Is cheating in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable?

countingbackwards — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 17:40:24 -0800

Is infidelity in relationships in your twenties and thirties inevitable? I recently was cheated on by my ex-boyfriend days after we started living together and many of my friends who are in their late-30s are not surprised. We had been dating each other very seriously for a year, he spoke about getting a dog with me, he discussed future household repairs in the new place, putting me on his insurance, and at the same time was getting in some girls car in the middle of the night. Dating each other exclusively and living together were both his ideas (he even asked me what kind of wedding I would have) so I know there was no pressure on my end to have a life he didn't want. Seems as if he was just another boy too close for comfort to 30 and confused about what kind of life he wanted. I was just collateral damage.

I've told this story multiple times over the last few weeks and more than a few people didn't seem all that surprised. Someone even called it "age appropriate drama". Am I in for more duplicitous behavior from guys for the next ten years until I approaching 40? This break-up was really devastating and emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine going through something like this multiple times until I find someone to settle down with. Is this to be expected or does it happen more often than not? Also, I haven't spoken to him since about this, he has not reached out to me in any real way, perhaps out of shame.

What did he do that made you cheat?

surenoproblem — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:46:30 -0800

If you've felt the temptation to cheat, or have cheated, on a guy: what sorts of things was he neglecting to do around that time? Or what things was he doing? I realise that there are a multitude of external factors, and no-one really drives their partner to infidelity, but I'd like some insight into what behaviours make a relationship more susceptible to infidelity.

A female friend is feeling an acute temptation, and the mistakes her partner is making are obvious: he's emotionally distant, he's uncontactable for days at a time. It got me curious: are there broad, general patterns? Are there mistakes that aren't as obvious?

I'm hoping for specific, empirical examples, as opposed to common-sense generalisations.

For example; I'm hoping for things like, "whenever I tried to tell him about concerns I had at work, he was uninterested and had a dissmissive attitude as if I were just sharing office gossip".

And I'm less interested in things like, "just be a good husband and have trust in your wife".

If privacy is an issue, you can send answers to what.didnt.he.do@gmail.com, and I'll post the answers here.

Thanks a lot!

Two Sides To the Story Left Me Feeling Anxious

InterestedInKnowing — Sun, 10 May 2009 10:07:52 -0800

Would my ex really lie about something like this? Recently I got information from a mutual friend of ours (no longer my ex's) about his disloyalty to me while we were dating. She never told me before but she kinda distanced herself from me and completely cut him out her life. It wasn't until I contacted her asking if she spoke to my ex recently because I was worried about him since he got mad at me since I told him to not contact me everyday. Well, she said she hasn't spoken to him in a year and asked me what was up. I told her and that's when she said "don't hate me but I think he's an asshole." She then told me in specifics the night I called around wondering where he was, well she said he was trying to get her into bed at her apartment. That night I was under the impression he was having a business meeting with her for an hour. He never got in touch with me and wasn't answering my calls. I called around and finally got in touch with her and she sounded a bit off on the phone. Well it turns out that my call stopped him from taking further advantage of her and he left the apartment saying "I'm not here, I'm not here." She also told me of how he made advances on her even after that incident recounting specifically things he said to her like "If we were going out would your parents allow you to date a black man?" She gave clear examples that otherwise she couldn't have possibly known. That's her side of things.

His side of things when I went to confront him and give him back his promise ring, he got very upset. He started to salivate (cause he kept spitting on the ground) and he was rolling up his cuffs and taking out his dress shirt as he couldnt believe what I told him. He said "You believe that fat bitch? Let me tell you about her, she wanted to fuck me and I wouldn't give her the time of day. She couldn't hold a candle to you!" He explained "That night, I stopped by and her friend was there and she was drunk, all over me and I had to throw her unto the floor. So, that's why you haven't been talking to me? Unreal!" and proceeded to tell me how much I have hurt him and claimed I was never there for him, but meanwhile he was confusing me. If I did all that, why would he want to marry me? Anyways, I didn't let him continue the rhetoric, I just played it cool and said we just gotta move on. But it left me feeling anxious because it went unresolved. Is it possible he was telling the truth and she is just a conniving woman or did he lie again to me?

Any tips for making a relationship out of an affair?

Anonymous — Sat, 09 May 2009 19:59:00 -0800

Any tips for making a relationship out of an affair? I was in a relationship and starting cheating with a close friend. My relationship ended, largely mutually, for a variety of reasons, including the affair. I have strong feelings for my friend and would like to make it work as a relationship. I have a lot of guilt about the infidelity, but that doesn't change my feelings for this person. I'm really scared that, in addition to it functioning as something of a rebound thing, there will be other issues arising from our involvement started. We started off with a pattern of secrecy, how to adjust to being public. We started off with lies, how to build trust? We started off trying to avoid getting involved and feeling guilty about it, how to not have guilt play a role in our interactions? We started off with heighten sense of emotion and drama, how to build a more realistic, healthy relationship? Is this possible? I don't want to believe that this is a lost cause.

(Also just a tip for people drawing closer to an affair... just breakup THEN start seeing the person. I wish I had.)

Should I not be a serial monogamist with the one waiting in the wings?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:15 -0800

Lesbian monogamy filter: I am really just a hopeless romantic no matter how hard I try not to be? Should I not move right on to the one waiting in the wings? I am a 30 year old lesbian (if that matters, but please, I'm interested in all perspectives) who just ended a 3 year long monogamous relationship. My former partner and I ended on largely good terms. We experienced "lesbian bed death" and it sort of devolved into a friendship.

Because we got together when I was relatively young, I sort of feel like i missed out on a lot of the fun of being young and single. Since always, I've pretty much gone from serious long term relationship to serious long term relationship. Being able to be single was a big part of wanting to end things for me. Also exploring relationships with men, possibly.

The thing is, I've also gotten involved with a good friend of mine. She's someone that I've known since college, and though I've always had something of a crush, I never knew it was reciprocated. Anyway, we were never single at the same time so it didn't really matter. She became single about a year ago and had been dating around, nothing too serious, and as my relationship with my ex wound to a close, we wound up becoming physically involved and this has continued on and off since the breakup, which occured about 3 months ago. FWIW, she is not a close friend of my ex.

We have both said that this is not a thing with relationship potential, just a fun physical thing to fill the gap. But because of our years of intense friendship, the sex and the relationship itself has become more and more intimate. We both say that we're dating other people and even talk women we both know as potential dates for each other, but this never seems to happen and when we do actually express real interest, we both feel jealous and sad, though controllably so.

I am becoming more and more passionate about this person, and I think she feels the same way about me. We're definitely experience pair-bonding. I keep thinking about our future together, about how maybe this was meant to be all along, about how I might be "in love" with her. The only stopping me from pursuing a relationship with her is my promise to myself NOT be a serial monogamous, to have fun, to date. Right now, though, I feel like any dating I did would just be perfunctory with the hopes of coming back to her. That being said, I do think that if I decided to let go of this thing that I could commit to it, get over her, and really start having fun, I could do it.

That being said, I am not totally aware of how she feels. Because of the way our sexual relationship started, we are both very guarded about our feelings, even though we say how much we love each other "as friends" all the time. I can't help but think that she, like me, is feeling ambivalent and also trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She is younger than me and seems just as invested in playing the field before getting into something serious. I also think that she is still getting over her last relationship.

We've both express interest, in the abstract sense, in the prospect of having an open relationship. But we also both recognize that even if we *said* we'd have an open relationship, it would probably not really be in practice.

If I "follow my heart" and we wind up together, am I going to regret it? Is it bad to lillypad like this? Should I make an effort to make single happen? How can I find out what she is thinking without making myself vulnerable?

After the girl cheated, is it fair to ask her NOT to spend a week at a retreat with him, and others?

Anonymous — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 07:32:05 -0800

After the girl cheated, is it fair to ask her NOT to spend a week at a retreat with him, and others? Girl and I started dating rather swiftly after the end of her last relationship. (Though she didn't end the relationship for me; it was on its way out.)

We elected to "be exclusive" (that is, it was verbally agreed to) rather early on, about two weeks in, despite my cautioning that it might be too soon from her last relationship and that if she wanted to date around, that was not a problem.

She was actively being courted by another long-time friend. I knew he was interested, and I knew they spent time together, but she said nothing had happened, and that she was interested in me.

About three weeks pass and finally things reach a fever pitch with this guy and she makes it clear she's not interested. It then comes out that she DID sleep with him, after we had made clear we were "exclusive". I make it clear that this is unacceptable and, given her history, that she has basically killed our trust.

She begs and pleads for me to stay and make things work. She calls guy in front of me and tells him things won't work and she's decided to go with me and that's that. She promises it will never happen again. After much deliberation, I explain that she's basically on a zero-tolerance policy. She agrees.

Fast forward two months or so. Things are going swimmingly. I've explained that it's still a rebuilding and regrowth process with the trust, but she's done absolutely nothing wayward at all and is VERY expressive of her commitment to me. I genuinely believe she's set, and chose to rationalize the cheating as her shopping around and having pulled the trigger on "exclusivity" too soon. Still unacceptable, but at least a rationalization that works for me.

She mentions today that her friend (another girl) asked her about the retreat her (and several others in their group) go on for about 10 days. The other guy is one of those friends. I express trepidation; to me, I can't stand the thought of her being up at a retreat with this guy, no matter how limited their contact might typically be. No matter if I do trust her or are working towards trusting her, or whatever-it's WILDLY frustrating, just the thought of it, and I'm going to be going nuts for those 10 days no matter what. (It's out of town, and I can't go with.)

I explain to her that this is the case, and that I *hate* being that guy--I don't want to tell her who she can or cannot spend time with, or to take away an event she gets a lot out of (it's actually helping kids), but I just can't shake how terrible it makes me feel. She promptly and sincerely offers to simply not go: "You're too valuable to me for me to do that to you and it's only fair."

And I accept that, despite telling her that I don't want to force her away from something like that, but that I just... can't... be okay with it yet.

Am I out of line here? She wasn't really terribly upset. And she's thrilled with how things are going between us, as am I--things are only getting better. I actually really appreciated and respected her willingness to NOT go, knowing how crazy it would drive me.

I'm just wanting to poll the crowd and see what they think--she hangs out occasionally with other guy friends, and it's not an issue for me; I don't control who she spends time with, etc. But I think it's reasonable as the offended party to expect her to not contact the person with whom the affair was with again, including staying in close proximity for 10 days with him and other close friends somewhere...

Thoughts?

Did my girlfriend cheat on me, or am I thinking too much?

aussie_in_NY — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:42:24 -0800

I discovered my girlfriend recently went to the apartment of an ex lover to "hang out". Did she cheat on me? OK, so I have been dating a girl seriously for three months now. Everything has been great. Amazing sex, lots in common, and we are spending a huge amount of time together.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked her out on a Friday night. She said she was busy that night, as she was meeting up with Friend X (a guy). Now, Friend X is a guy she has mentioned several times before, and happens to come from the same country as me. She has never offered to introduce Friend X. Anyway, late on that Friday night I call her to check up and she tells me she is drinking with Friend X in his apartment. It is obvious she has had a few drinks by this point. An hour or so later she gets in a cab and we later have a discussion. She says she is sorry for "causing a misunderstanding" and that the guy is just an old friend.

Days later, she leaves my apartment with her email account open on my computer. I notice several emails from this guy. (please, no admonitions about breaking her trust by reading her email.) From previous emails it is clear that until not long before meeting me she was in a fairly passionate sexual relationship with this guy. But was deeply unhappy because he would not commit.

Now here's the thing. I have no reason to suspect she has met this guy at all since we started dating, apart from that one night. And I don't think she has met him again since then. She appears totally happy with our relationship and I have no reason to doubt that.

But should I be worried? Could this have just been an innocent meeting to gain some closure before moving on with me? Am I right to be suspicious that she had to go to his apartment to do this? I am particularly interested to hear any girls' opinions on this aspect of it.

Oh boy. What have I done now.

dentata — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 01:09:31 -0800

[Relationshipfilter] Has "cheating" ever been a crucible for your relationship? Background: I live with my girlfriend of a little over 3 years. We've been having the marriage talk for a long time, and I've been dragging my feet. Recently, though, the prospect of it hasn't seemed so bad, as it's been getting harder and harder for me to imagine my life without her. More and more I appreciate our relationship.

That said, the amplitude of marry/not marry has been increasing as time and pressure moves on, not smoothing out to a specific outcome. Our sex life hasn't been great, I'm not as attracted to her due to the significant weight she's gained since the start of our relationship, and we're both busy. I'm 29, she's nearly 30.

I'm away on business this week, performing in a different city. Being a fairly gregarious person, I usually meet people when I'm away, and, as has happened before, I've had opportunities to stray. Now, normally, these things are just drunken flirtations that result in a good "hmm, nice to know i've still got it" feeling the next day.

On this trip, however, networking turned to flirtation, and I met a girl who, for some reason, lit me up. While I passed on my opportunity to score (though later changed my mind, ended up in the hotel of the girl, but decided that the missed text messages for a liaison meant it wasn't meant to be), the next day I'm filled with real questions about my relationship. Guilt, frustration, etc. All the negatives of cheating without any carnal satisfaction.

So, now, understandably, I'm quite confused. What do you think? "Normal" male apprehension about commitment, or serious signs of relationship troubles?

Normal caveats: yes, I realize that none of you know much about me, and you're a bunch of internet strangers, but I'm trying to gain new insights into this situation, so I'd rather not get into a diatribe about the false accountability and privivacationality of the internets.

I'm happy to go into more detail about specifics about background if it helps you.

Is he a cheater?

GIRLesq — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:33:34 -0800

Is there any way he's not cheating on me? My boyfriend travels a lot for work. Last night he was supposed to be staying at a particular hotel. When I didn't hear from all night, and he didn't pick up his cell, I called the hotel and they said he wasn't registered. I called him at his desk (at the travel location) -- he picked up (unaware that I'd been calling his cell all night and unaware that I knew he wasn't at that hotel). He said he went right home after dinner last night. I asked where his cell phone was he said he forgot it today. I clarified that I meant last night. He said he left it where he stayed. I asked where he stayed. He said the hotel. I asked which hotel. He gave me the same hotel he original told me about -- I told him I knew he wasn't registered there and that he didn't go back to wherever his phone was last night. He said he stayed at a friends because it got late. No further explanation. He was very silent when I said I just wanted to know the truth. Eventually he said something like "I need to think about how we interact."

I said: "Look if you are just going to try to turn this into some offensive to distract me from what happened last night -- forget it. It's not gonna work. If you want to convince me that you really are staying at that hotel, send me the receipt when you check out today." Silence. So I said: "I think we both know there won't be any receipt."

Then he said something like "I'll call you later" and that was it.

So he's totally cheating, right? That or he was out all night doing drugs. And I gotta say, he doesn't seem like the drug addict type. At all.

my friends suck

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 06:53:19 -0800

What to do when you find out that one of your friends cheated on his girlfriend (who is also a friend?) The complicated explanation: My good friend has been unhappy with his (1.5+ year) relationship for a while: his girlfriend treats him like a child, doesn't trust him, checks his text messages, etc. He has told me repeatedly over the past 6 months that he's not sure he wants to be in a relationship and has also said that he and his gf have come close to breaking up several times.

He responded to his unhappiness and the lack of trust by proving his current girlfriend right and sleeping with his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. The ex-girlfriend is a friend of mine, and told me about it this weekend.

The most awkward part by far is that I am also friends with the girlfriend. I confronted the guy about it today, he admitted that it happened and that is was a mistake and a shitty thing to do, but also said that he doesn't want to tell his girlfriend about it. I feel really awkward about the whole situation and wish I didn't know about it at all. If he's not going to tell her, it seems like a breach of "girl-code" to keep her in the dark about her boyfriend's asshole behavior. I don't really know where to proceed from here.

Escaping an Addictive Relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:03:11 -0800

I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me and abused me. I KNOW he is no good and while I have tried to leave many times, I always find myself back with him (after sweet-talking and the like). Part of my problem (and I know this was wrong) is that I had an opportunity to snoop on him (innocent opportunity that later I started to do regularly) and learned that he was not who I thought he was...he had cheated on me just a few months into relationship, but because I found out via snooping I never could out and out tell him why I wanted to break up and we ended up back together...the cycle has continued.

I still, foolishly snoop around and find he has started up again with a new girl every 4-5 months or so, and usually they end within a few weeks of meeting him (he has a very harsh personality) so nothing has lasted very long. In my heart, I know I will never look at him as more than a liar and a cheat, but still I have stayed, over and over gain through the same pain. Yesterday, I learned he had started back up again with another girl and he lied to me once again when I round-about confronted him...I know I must sound pathetic...

I do want to leave, but I 1) feel guilty about snooping; 2) can't seem to stick with my decision to leave him and 3) have little emotional support from family or friends to help me through this (probably why #2 happens)...I thought an annonymous community might offer some ideas, tough talk, etc. to give me a push to do what I have to do? Thoughts? Ideas? Thank you.

Can I make my sociopathically selfish ex Be There for me?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 12:18:20 -0800

I'm scheduled to have a medical (pill) abortion in a situation involving my optimistic, scientifically brilliant, clueless ex-boyfriend. For some irrational reason, he's the only person I want with me while I go through with it. We dated last year, for three months when I was still very new to the city, and we were pretty darn happy. He was kind, attentive, respectful, and engaging. Then he had drunk sex with an ex-girlfriend who'd been pursuing him for a while. I was, of course, crushed, but I had just moved to a new place and he was my only contact. He persuaded me to take him back, and I finally relented, and then he broke up with me again a month later citing a heavy work load and little free time. A few weeks later he changed his mind again, but I told him to get off my doorstep, throw away the bouquet of flowers, and quit sending me apology letters. He persisted trying to get me back for months, but things eventually died down between us. He began dating another girl but always made it clear that if were I ever willing to try again, he'd be open, which repelled me more.

Recently we started going out to dinner and resumed the compelling dynamic we had before the cheating period, and wound up having (totally safe) sex several times. This was during a sad, lonely time in my life in which I had realized that after an entire year I still wasn't over our break-up, and I'm not proud of my egregious hypocrisy of sleeping with the same man who did this to me while he's dating another poor girl. He's in an "open-ish, don't-ask don't-tell" relationship with a girl of whom he speaks with a mixture of admiration ("she's so loyal") and indifference. I get the impression that without the policy, she'd be doing much of the asking, and he'd do the telling. He has admitted that he has always loved me, that he is biding his time with his current girlfriend as a gesture of respect to her for sticking with him as he got over me. When I discovered I was pregnant, he immediately came over and we discussed the steps we needed to take to end the pregnancy.

He is a bizarrely optimistic, scientific creature, and told me point-blank that he didn't necessarily see the abortion as a terrible thing, that it felt like an evolution of our relationship. He told me upon entering my apartment that he needed to be gone in an hour to "keep up appearances." He seems chastised, repentant, but also utterly removed. He hedged when I told him I need something more out of him, not a relationship--neither of us is ready for a real relationship after what we went through--but a gray area between fuck buddies and the relationship he seemed to be offering me this past year, to get me through this period.

While I have wonderful friends kindly offering their support, my ex-boyfriend is the only person I want with me when I take the pills (which I hear is moderate-to-severely painful for several hours), because this is his doing as well. I'm unsure if I should demand that he take care of me, demand that he be there for me more readily, or if I need to kick him out of my life for good. Part of me wants him to see the ramifications of cheating, of sacrificing other people's well-being for his own. Is wielding my abortion as a Life Lesson manipulative or justified? I honestly think I'd feel better if he could feel, or witness, a little of what I'm going through, but maybe this is a lost cause.

We're both 25 and live in New York, if that's somehow important.

At the whims and fancies of someone unsure of what they want?

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:46:30 -0800

Badly in need of advice. Long, complicated story spanning 3 countries and 5 people. Warning: VERY long story ahead. Ok, so I was with my girlfriend for 3 years, and never once did I cheat, or was tempted to cheat or anything. We had many problems, many of them mine, and she forgave me. She spent half of the 3 years abroad, and half of the other 3 with me, so it was pretty difficult, but we trusted each other. She's also a few years younger than I am.

Late last year I moved to another country to go to graduate school. It was just after my gf and I spent a vacation together where we had a great time, but that time was preceded by some very difficult ones. She said after we parted, she had time to think about all the problems we had, and began talking to a guy online who she knew a little bit, and things progressed into more than a normal friendship.

I found out about it, felt hurt and betrayed, and when we met again in December she lied about meeting him for coffee, and talking to him etc. He liked her and hed be at places shed frequent, and they ended up meeting and talking.

When I came back to grad school, other incidents involving the guy happened and I ended the relationship. However, I also started talking to this girl from my class, very smart, witty and good looking. She displayed an interest in me, we started talking a lot, however she had a boyfriend. She said they were on the verge of breaking up. We got along great, went out one night and kissed, then she felt guilty, and we went home.

Her bf realized something was going on with her, and told her he's willing to forget it, if she ends it. That was the first time she told me we needed to stop talking. I was pretty hurt by it because I had really started liking her, we had talked about many things and hit it off; I thought we had a good chance of getting together.

A couple days later we started talking again, and wed talk on the phone, talk in school, but never went out again because there were always ppl around that knew her and her bf.

After a couple weeks, I asked her if she's going to break up with her bf, because I couldnt handle knowing that she was with someone else. She said no she's not going to, she feels obligated to him because when she was in a very bad state she got together with him and he took care of her and put her back on her feet, and she feels obligated to him. Plus he treats her so well, irons her clothes, makes breakfast for her, lets her drive his car to work while he gets the bus, etc. She doesnt want to be the type of person her ex-fiance was. She was engaged before her current bf, planning the wedding, then found out her fiance was cheating on her all the time. That really wrecked her emotionally, and now she basically hates all men. She got depressed, quit her job, moved away for a while etc, pretty much wrecked. Obviously its not all obligation shes with him for, she obviously loves him too. He's at her house much of the time, gets along with all her family and almost lives there.

So when I asked her about it, she got upset, said we needed to stop talking, we can just be friends, nothing more. As before, a couple days later, either Id call her, or shed call me making up some flimsy excuse, and wed talk for hours. We'd talk about many things, and I questions shed ask me are things shed want to know before, say, we ever got together. We'd also talk about many personal things you wouldnt share with everyone. However, although shed make time to talk to me, whenever her bf was around, she couldnt accept my calls, and most of the time I call she wouldnt answer, but would call back. Essentially we spoke mostly when she wanted us to. Sometimes Id call her at work to say hi, hang up, then shed call back immediately after, and wed talk till she had to go.

As time went on again, Id confront her about what shes doing, I couldnt handle the situation, then shed get upset again and say we need to stop talking, shes not leaving her bf. This happened about 7-8 times. I couldnt understand because of the many things wed talk about, I found it astonishing it was so easy for her to just cut off from me. She had told me she finds it easy to just stop talking to people, but I couldnt believe it was this easy. Whenever she said we need to stop talking, Id sit around by the phone waiting for her to call, and then shed call and act normal, and we'd fall into the cycle again.

Essentially, everything was in her control. A few days ago, we were in a study room together, and I told her I was going to kiss her, she said ok, and at the last moment turned away. Then she got upset again, we both did, and went through the entire we cant be around each other thing again, how would I feel if my gf was doing this, etc. I persuaded her to stay cause we needed to study, and we did, but it was awkward. That night, she called! For no reason, just to chat. After the entire argument about not talking on the phone and being just friends, she called.

Yesterday we were in a study room together alone, and we were basically playing around, and one thing led to the next and I basically got to second base with her. We eventually studied till in the afternoon, she called me when I was still on the way home for no reason. Called me again after that. At night we spoke, and she said things went way overboard, its not ever going to happen again, and we need to stop talking, for real this time (shes said that before). We can just meet to study, and no talking apart from that.

Oh, when she has these discussions with me, she acts so cold, as if Im a complete stranger, and not the same person shes called crying when she was having a hard time in school, and the same person she sat and talked to and cried about how hurtful her past was. So cold it surprises me, and thats what hurts the most, the coldness. Whenever Im around her and feeling down cause of the latest severing of communication, she asks me why Im down. I then ask her why do you think, and she says never mind. We've been studying for the last 2 weeks, and shed brace her foot against mine, and other little physical things, that just encourage me more.

Today I saw her at school, told her good luck on the exam. Afterward she left but I called her, we talked for a while, then she called back spoke for a short while. In the afternoon she called in response to a msg I sent her and we spoke for about 20 minutes. Tonight I tried calling her, it rang out, and she called back. We spoke for a short time then her bf came over and she had to come off the phone.

At the same time, my exgf, has been begging me for us to get back together, and has paid half of the plane ticket for me to go up and see her in one week. I still love her, but things have changed after her actions, and my actions, none of which she knows about. This girl from my class is my age, which is about 4 years older than my exgf, is much more mature, and a completely different person than my exgf, who is also very attractive and cute in her own different way. They are very different people.

Every time the girl from my class has to go because her bf arrives, every time she tells me we need to stop talking, every time he calls when we're studying, every time he picks her up, I feel like so much shit. She's pretty much the one who dictates how, when or if we talk. But she refuses to leave her bf. She also basically controls him, he does whatever she wants, when she wants, how she wants. He does practically everything for her, she hardly ever has to do anything.

I also feel so terrible because I think in some ways I broke up with my exgf to be with her, instead of trying harder at a 3yr relationship. And now Im the one left out in the cold. Whenever she feels like she calls me or talks to me, but I dont always have access to her. And Ive been the fool to just accept that kind of treatment.

I know she likes me, well I'm pretty sure she does, she just can't keep away from me every time she says we need to stop talking, but whenever she decides, she gets so cold, cuts me off and goes back to her bf.

Im leaving in a week to try to work things out with my exgf. Ive hidden from the girl in my class the fact that my exgf will be where Im going, I guess because Im holding out that something will work out between us. But more and more I'm realizing what kind of person she is. My exgf is very committed to trying to work things out, and has been for all of the last 3 months.

Please, any advice is much appreciated. I am sorry this is so long, but it's a complicated story.

What are the limits of couples on a break?

cincinnatus c — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 04:31:25 -0800

Should I give up getting back together with her? Two months ago, my girlfriend split up with me, after two and a half years. The reasons she gave were that she had been depressed for quite a while about very problems in her life, and she didn’t think I was committed enough to help her through them. She wanted a committed future that she didn’t I wanted. Her doubts were understandable – I had been avoiding the subject of ever living together; there is a possibility that she will have to move cities for work later this year & I didn’t make it clear that I intended to go with her.

It was pretty much understood by both of us, though, that we might not want the split to be permanent. We kept in daily contact. About a week after splitting up, there was an evening when she didn’t answer the phone all day and all night. I was really worried about her. In the morning, daftly, I decided to go wait for her at her bus stop on her way to work. I know this was a stupid and creepy thing to do. Anyway, she came out of her house with another guy – a guy from her work who I’d been getting slightly jealous of for a few weeks because they’d been getting really friendly. (I didn’t confront them – I ran away before they saw me.)

Later that day, I told her that I’d seen them. She was really upset, said it was just a mistake, “I don’t him I want you!”, and she was worried that she’d messed up her friendship with the guy. I forgave her, admitting to her that around that time I would fuck anyone too just to try to forget about the split.

Over the next few weeks we met more and more often and it was just great. I realised how much I loved her, and what an idiot I’d been about commitment stuff, and we talked about moving in together and stuff, though we weren’t back together. We were always hugging, often kissing, and occasionally having sex. I definitely wanted back with her. She still wasn’t sure.

On Christmas Day she gave me a big gesture of a present, with a message that she wanted to have another try with me. I was full of joy. However, she had family staying and I didn’t get a chance to be with her for about a week, by which time she’d gone a bit cool, and said she’d panicked a bit after Christmas. So we weren’t back together after all.

Since then, things have been great, in a way, but I find it difficult to deal with the not knowing what will happen. We are still definitely not girlfriend and boyfriend, but we talk about getting a flat, even marriage and children.

Cut to last night. She was supposed to be coming round to mine to watch DVDs, but cancelled because she’d forgotten that she’d arranged to meet a (female) workmate for a drink. Later on, I tried calling her and she didn’t answer again (I should mention that she does this sometimes when she’s really depressed or just tired). I called her in the morning too – no answer. So guess what? I hung around at her bus stop again this morning. Stupid, huh? What happened is: she didn’t come out of her house. She must have stayed elsewhere.

I got an email from her this morning that she was sorry, she’d fallen asleep early after a couple of drinks, missed my calls in the morning and had no credit on her mobile to call me back. Now we’ve arranged to meet for lunch.

I suspect she stayed with the other guy. The thing is, I usually speak to my girlfriend every day, so I usually have a good idea about what she’s up to, and I know for sure that she’s not going out with him secretly. She just hasn’t got the time. (For one thing she was with me 5 nights out of 7 last week.) If there’s something going on, it must be quite casual. Also, I've asked her straight if there's anything going on, and she's said no. We didn't break up because either of us wanted to see other people.

So I’m meeting her for lunch. The question is, what do I do? Is it any business of mine considering we’re not actually a couple? Should I just keep quiet about being there this morning and see how things work out between us? If she slept with him, can I forgive her again because she’s free and single so she can do what she wants? I really would like to be able to do this and not feel like a complete chump. But do I have to dump her for good?

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Tell me you love me... on second thought, don't.

Anonymous — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 06:09:50 -0800

I have a hunch the new boyfriend is going to drop the "I love you" bomb this weekend. I'm psyched. Trouble is: I don't know if I believe him, and therefore don't know how to best respond. I'm crazy about this fella, but have my doubts about his romantic sincerity for good reason (see this link for background). However he's been nothing but attentive/romantic/wonderful to me the last couple weeks, leading up to him hinting on the phone that this weekend "there's something I want to tell you about us that I've only just realized, but I want to wait until we're face to face to make it special."

Here's where we enter the muddy waters of self-defense mechanisms and neurosis: the last time I allowed myself to really fall in love with someone, I got seriously hurt/emotionally crippled from it. My last boyfriend swore up and down that he was in love with me, convinced me to embark on a grand romantic adventure together-- and then cheated on me a few months later. And to add insult to injury: he then said he realized never ACTUALLY was in love with me, he just fooled himself into thinking it because we were so compatible as a couple and because he just craved the high romance aspect of it all-- but not actually me as a person. Which totally did a number on my perception of my ability to be loved since he knew me better than anyone else, etc, etc... Whatever. I realize it happens all the time.

So because of that I've been very careful about maintaining an equal power dynamic, at least on the surface, with this new boyfriend. I am incredibly self-sufficient, not needy, would never drop the "L" word first. I've been doing my best to be smart in this relationship and not get carried away just because I irrationally feel like I could be with this guy for the rest of my life. Because even though I'm head over heels for him, I don't 100% trust him or know him extremely well, even though we've been together for about 4 months.

So I guess my question is, when he says "I love you" this weekend, should I:
A. Respond (truthfully) "I love you too." And then spend the next few weeks cringing, secretly waiting for him to take it back.
B. Say "You really don't have to say that, if you're not sure. You want to take a few weeks to think about it and then get back to me on it?"
C. "I feel like I could love you too-- but I have been hurt in the past and it's made it very hard for me to open up that way. So please don't say it unless you really mean it."
D. "Thank you, you're lovely." ...And then tell him I love him whenever I feel safe doing so, even if it's not until weeks and weeks later.

I realize I'm crazy and over-thinking it. I'm just trying not to screw this up, or screw myself over again, in the exact same way I did before. (For what it's worth, I haven't told him about the ex. He doesn't know how damaged I am.)

Now I Know How Simone Warne Must Have Felt.

Anonymous — Sat, 29 Sep 2007 21:30:39 -0800

Is my fiancée cheating on me, or is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? My fiancée and I have been together now for almost three years and by and large we've had a happy, healthy relationship. Sure we've had our problems. I'm more interested in sex than she is and we don't go out as often anymore as we once used to (leading to her telling me on a few occasions that she feels a little bored) but as I said, by and large we've been very, very happy together, and are looking forward to getting married in a year or two and starting the rest of our lives together.

Last Monday, my girl told me she had been asked to go out on a girl's night out with a female friend from work and some of her friends. I will admit, I wasn't thrilled with the idea. I know what guys are like and while I trust her, I don't trust a city-full of drunken guys seeing my sexy lady and trying to hit on her. But I'm sane enough to know I don't control her, and even more sane enough to know that I couldn't very well ban her from going or anything, so all I could do was suck it up and try and make the best of a night at home by myself. Plus, bottom line, I do trust her and had always told her I would always trust her until she gave me a reason not to.

She had told me she was only planning on staying out till midnight but at 5am this morning she crawled into bed, drunk. She told me that only one guy had tried to hit on her, but she had rebuked him and that all she could think of all night was me. She would have had sex with me there and then, she also said, except she was too tired. Given it was 5am and I had hardly slept most of that night out of worrying, I was too tired for it myself so we slept until 11am and then went about our usual Sunday.

And then at 1.30, as we watched a DVD, she got an MMS. She went and grabbed her phone and sat down next to me and we looked at it together. It was an unknown number. She opened the MMS and it was a picture of a toned naked guy, full frontal, with his dick in his hand. And the message along with it read "Northern suburbs. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk."

Naturally my mind started racing. She swears that she didn't do anything wrong but she also admits that this looks very, very suspicious. Although I'm inclined to believe her (she has never given me a reason not to trust her), I think she may have, in her drunken state, accidentally given a guy her number last night which led to this MMS. She started to cry and claims that not even that happened, and again I am inclined to believe that, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, she deleted the MMS straight away, so unless he writes back, we can't really test any of these theories by writing back to him. For her part, she has said that if he does write back, she will write back to him, in front of me, that he has the wrong number.

The only other theory I can come up with is that maybe some dude was chatting online to some chick, and she gave him her number while asking "where do you live?" In response, he sent her this picture of himself with the attached message. This theory does make some sense as 'Northern Suburbs' is usually a reference to the northern suburbs of Sydney. In Brisbane, where we live, we don't call our northern suburbs the Northern Suburbs. We call it the northside. So basically, if she had been cheating on me, and this dude was from Brisbane, he would have more likely written Northside. Send me a pic of you and we'll talk." It's not much of a theory, I'll grant you, but it's a theory nevertheless.

I should also mention that in the limited time I've had to think about this, I have realised that if she hadn't gone out last night and we had still gotten this message, I would never have even suspected for a second that she was cheating on me or otherwise. But in the light of the fact that she did go out for a drunken night on the town with hordes of lecherous guys on the prowl all around her, my mind can't help but put A and B together...

So Metafilter, what's your take on this? Is my fiancée cheating on me? Or do you think she accidentally and innocently gave out her number and doesn't remember it? Is this simply a case of a wrong number at the wrong time? Or is it something else I may not even have considered.

Over to you...

An old friend with a SO is putting the moves on...

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 07:44:04 -0800

An old friend has recently started putting the moves on me. Although I'm both attracted and available, I've been dodging because they're living with a SO of several years and enabling their cheating seems wrong. I've been considering this situation for a little while, and being rather green regarding relationships I'd like to bounce it off a few people. However, this is a mutual friend and I'd also like to avoid word reaching their SO, so here I am asking mefi.

Is this a typical way of transitioning between relationships? Is it socially acceptable? From my position do you think it falls foul of the simple "golden rule" / "harm none" moral philosophy?

when is a relationship worth salvaging

rndm — Thu, 10 May 2007 19:03:38 -0800

CrappyRelationshipFilter: How do you know if a relationship is worth salvaging after your partner majorly fucks up? I need some perspective on this whole ugly, messy situation. (warning: very long! of course!) My boyfriend of two years left to visit his family in Mexico last week. A couple days after he left, I was talking to my friend and she mentioned seeing him in Good Vibrations. Buying condoms. On the day his flight left. We certainly don't use condoms anymore, and I spent the next few days freaking out until he called me (phone use is limited in the tiny town he's at). I asked up straight up what the condoms were all about, and he didn't say anything for a bit, then made a few weird little sounds, then mumbled something about "just in case"... I freaked out and hung up the phone. He called me about 30 mins later, crying and telling me he loves me, he hasn't done anything, he's not gonna cheat on me, blah blah blah. Apparently, he was at some club and dancing with some chick who invited him back to her place, and then he oh-so-suddenly realized that he couldn't actually go through with it because he just looooves me so much. He's a really, really bad liar, so I'm pretty sure that's what actually happened, but I still call bullshit because, oddly enough, I've never needed to almost have sex with some stranger to know that I love him and don't want to hurt him. We talked for a few more minutes (mostly me agreeing that, yes, he's an idiot, yes, it was huge mistake, yes, I pretty much hate him right now), but I was at work and couldn't deal with it, so I hung up again.

He doesn't get back from Mexico until the 19th and I know I won't speak with him at least until then (probably even later), but I really have no idea what to do at this point... and it doesn't help that I'm ridiculously indecisive about everything, ever.

On the one hand, we've certainly defined what is and what is not allowed in this relationship, re: other people. He's the one who insisted we were completely monogomous (i've been know to rock the polyamorous relationship in the past), and I've had no problem adhering to that. I was feeling insecure before he left on his trip, and asked him if he was suuure nothing would happen. And he held me and promissed me that he wouldn't so much as kiss another woman, that he would never do anything to hurt me like that. (In retrospect, I'm about 90% sure the condoms in question were actually in his pocket as he was saying that, so I feel like the biggest idiot ever. ) He knew what he was doing (or planning to do...), and he knew how much it would hurt me, and I'm not sure I can ever really get over that. If one of my friends were in my situation, I would unequivocally tell them to dump the motherfucker already.

On the other hand, god knows in the two years we've been together, I've longingly thought about fucking someone else occasionally. I get that it's normal to sometimes be attracted to other people, to sometimes crave something more new, more exciting. The important thing is that I've never acted on those desires. So I feel like, as long as he didn't (and doesn't) actually fuck anyone else, the only thing he really did wrong was get caught. If one of my friends were in his situation, I would say that their actions were what mattered, and if they didn't go through with anything and actually came out with a deeper understanding about how they feel in their relationship, then they did nothing wrong.

So, "take him back and make it work" and "fuck the cheating bastard" are battling it out in my brain nonstop and I'm going crazy. Two years is a long time (for me) and I would hate to throw everything away because of his stupid mistake. He's the first guy I've ever met who made think maybe growing old with someone wouldn't be so bad after all. I love him like crazy, and I know he loves me, and this is just killing me. But then again, I'd hate to go through a divorce in 10 years when I catch him cheating on me with my best friend and kids and money and all sorts of ugly things get involved.

So I guess what it comes down to is: How do you know when a relationship is worth trying to save? Or when you should just cut your losses and move on? And if I do stay with him, how do I keep myself from become an angry, bitter, insecure, jealous shrew?

How do I stop myself from cheating?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 May 2007 21:27:23 -0800

I have a girlfriend I'm in love with. But I'm also in love another girl. She's leaving town, and I want to sleep with her. Why shouldn't I? So, I have been with my girlfriend for a long time. I miss her when I'm not around her, we talk constantly, and all that good stuff. We're far into the comfortable stage of our relationship, and that's just fine with me. I have zero doubt about my love for her. And wanting to keep her in my life. And she does not know about:

Enter girl #2. She briefly worked at the same place I do. When we met, it was an entirely professional thing. But over time, I got drawn to her. I kinda knew something was going to happen from the first time I saw her, even before I knew who she was. But I kept it to myself, and treated her as I would any other co-worker. I was friendly with her, but I wouldn't go out of my way to end up in her office, and would sometimes go a few weeks without seeing her. As her temporary stint here drew to a close, however, I ended up in her office to help her out with something, and it took a few hours. While we were working on the problem, naturally we struck up conversation. We got along very well, instantly. So after that, we would get lunch together. And email each other during the day. I ended up helping her out again, about a week later, and after we finished up our work... you can see where this is going. The electricity was there, and we were thisclose. But we both had to leave for the night, so we said goodbye. I went home that night and I was totally shaken up. I thought about it a lot, and decided that I had to have a talk with her the next day. I told her, "Hey, so I have a girlfriend. I really like you, and I don't want to stop talking to you, but it is the way it is right now." She was ok with this. At this point, I couldn't deny to myself that I had feelings for her, but I was doing the right thing and it felt right.

When I saw her the next week, we continued to spend occasional time together. And we kept getting closer. And we kissed. And we kissed again (all while NOT on work premises). We're so similar that we barely have to talk to understand each other. I'll agree that this is typical for most relationship beginnings, but it truly feels different in this instance. I've had a lot of girls as friends, but never have I connected with one like this.

So fast forward to the very recent past. I texted her, essentially so I could talk to her for a bit before she left town. I had limited my contact with her to work-only, but I felt like I needed to talk to her. An hour later, and she's at my place. We're both pretty drunk. And we're well on the way to doing something we clearly both want. But we stopped. Not a 'let's stop' type thing, but it just gradually slowed down. She spent the night sleeping next to me. But no clothes ever came off. I even managed to convince myself that by resisting it, I was being respectful and mature to all parties involved, including myself.

And now? I cannot stop thinking about her. She's in town for a few more days, and I'm having trouble finding a reason not to sleep with her, just once. I can guarantee I'd feel guilty about it, but the guilt wouldn't even be close to the desire I'm feeling right now. I've been trying to figure how I'm in love with two girls at the same time. But it's absolutely true.

how do i regain trust after being cheated on

frogger12 — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:15:15 -0800

how do you regain trust after being cheated on in a very meaningful, and my first, serious long term relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me while travelling. It happened quite a while ago and im still having serious trust issues and cant seem to come to terms with it. Im sure there cant be one 100% right answer but would appreciate your thoughts views and experiences. thanks