Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and breakup

Relationship over. I can't move, heal..

iam2bz2p — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:27:24 -0800

Had good reasons for breakup. Then a reconciliation. And then... (Only those who can't turn away from gawking at a bloody traffic accidents need read on...) One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.

We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.

I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.

I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.

Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.

We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.

We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.

I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.

Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.

She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.

I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.

I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.

No blue + or red -.

Simple English.

It reads: "Pregnant"

Everything explodes.

I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.

The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.

Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.

Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.

The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.

I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)

After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.

Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.

Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.

The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.

She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.

A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.

He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.

I know this.

I know this.

I hate this.

Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?

Why do I freak out if I don't know why?

MultiFaceted — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:03:28 -0800

I need help dealing with "unknown", especially in personal issues. I have an intense desire to know why something is happening, what someone's explanation is and I wind up a big ball of anxiety while overthinking it. I want to know how to be comfortable with just "not knowing", and how to be comfortable with the resulting feeling of not being able to control the situation. This latest bout of stress is based on romantic relationship stuff, but I do this whole worrying/overthinking thing in other situations too. My marriage ended because my husband just didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me anymore. He couldn't tell me why, couldn't give me a reason (literally, he just said "I don't know")...he just didn't want me anymore. I asked him over and over again for any sort of explanation, but I never really got one. So I spent a lot of time trying to analyze and figure it out to no avail. I wanted to know what I did wrong so that I don't repeat the same mistakes again (I'm assuming I have control in this situation...even though I probably don't).

Currently, there's a guy I'm interested in and we've been talking for a while (we live 5 hours apart so don't physically see each other very often). He and I have a lot of history together and he has said he wants a relationship with me but he needs to deal with some issues first (which is true...he does need to get mentally pulled together). I thought things were going pretty well overall, but for the past 3 weeks I haven't heard a word from him. I've sent a couple of texts and left a couple of messages but never got a response. Tonight he did respond to a text saying that he lost his phone a "while back" and wasn't able to afford a replacement until yesterday. I texted back asking him to call me so we could catch up...and there's been no response.

So...I have no explanation for the silence over the past 3 weeks. I understand work gets in the way (he can't always have his phone with him) but I'm not sure I'm buying the whole lost phone explanation. Even though we don't have any official ties to each other, I'm getting closer and closer to just walking away from him, but it seems like I can't let myself go without knowing why. Once again, I keep telling myself that if I know what his explanation is, I would feel better about the whole thing. Maybe he's just not into me, but if I knew why he wasn't into me I could somehow do something to improve for the next time.

This has had me tied up in knots over the past week. Right now my entire life feels out of control, and I'm desperately searching for some way to have control over something meaningful. I don't know what's next for me, I'm still struggling with getting more comfortable with my new "singleness", although I thought things were getting better. I've just been utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed the past few days (again).

So, the question is: What can I do to be able to handle not knowing/the unknown, and what can I do to learn how to be OK with not feeling in control in these types of situations?

(I do have the next two days off with no commitments so I have time to do some intensive thinking/writing/exploring if you want to suggest something specific for me to focus on)

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

That last talk.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:44:51 -0800

How to go about the final talk, the post-mortem, if you will. I got dumped this week. I'd been seeing this girl for about 3 months, a co-worker. Pretty surprising, we had really good times together.

Anyways, we went out earlier in the week, the event we were going to happened to be sold out when we got there, so we went to a favorite bar to hang out. Had a good time, when she's dropping me off, before I get out of the car I get "I have to tell you, I'm getting back together with my ex, so I don't think we should be making out anymore."

I was a little drunk, and pretty caught off-guard by how she phrased this, thinking really? Your going to drop this on me as I get out of the car, after we'd just spent 3 hours having a good time hanging out. And I'm also thinking "Wait, what? we shouldn't be making out anymore? That's all this was?" It wasn't all this was, we were consistently going on dates and having great times. It wasn't just a "hey come on over to watch a movie" type of thing. So I stammered something out giving me some time, she asked for a hug, and then I went on my way.

Anyways, this stings. It hurts that in all the time we spent together, the way she ends it is kind of "By the way...", in passing. It also hurts realizing that I was just some guy she was making out with while she was waiting to get back together with her ex. I haven't met anyone I've gotten along with so well since I moved to my city three years ago, so I know this didn't last super-long, but I'm disappointed.

Since we work together (different departments, but we have to interact quite a bit, and she's close with my co-workers, who don't know we were seeing each other) and since she lives with a good friend of mine, I need to figure out how to be around her without feeling like crap.

I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, since I didn't want to leave things with me drunkenly stammering something, and that's that. I'm hurt, I want to calmly express that, because I don't think she really understands this. And I want to somehow convey that in the interim, I don't think we should try to be friends, and it might be best if she doesn't come down to my department to hang out, which she did the rest of the week at work, making me really uncomfortable, and again, feeling like crap.

Thoughts about how to go about this talk, how I should structure it, how to get the best results out of it (which would be me being able to move on in a healthy way) would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

Learning to make better decisions in relationships filter:

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:52:35 -0800

Help me get over a broken heart uber-style. I'm taking my recent relationship experience to the max and looking at why I do what I do. Can you help me? About two months ago, I went through a pretty non-descript breakup that hurt, as all breakups do, but had a fantastically heartbreaking unexpected coda that left me in a deep depression. Without getting into much detail: We knew each other for a while, dated, had an awesome time together, things started to get funky with both of us playing a part and that led to us not being together. Not what I wanted but life don’t always do what we think it’s ‘sposed to do. After the breakup, I was privy to an overwhelming flow of information about my ex that involved lying, cheating, secrecy and all around bad form and behavior behind my back (I did not seek out the information, it came to me.) To say the least, I was devastated.
I decided to take this opportunity to look at myself, my choices and my relationship “resume”. Needless to say, I’ve made bad choices in partners before (surprise!) and vowed to get a handle on this situation. I began therapy, write regularly and spend time with good friends. But, is that enough? I know it’s only been two months but I cry. All.The.Time. I’m having a hard time processing this recent experience not to mention looking at a lifetime of dating disasters. I can see some of my patterns, you know? I see that I have made some romantic decisions based on immature reasoning: The chemistry is good, the sex is fantastic and turning a blind eye to inappropriate behavior for fear of failing in relationship. Again. This last one was a doozy ‘cause I thought I was being smart and mindful. Communincating clearly, being vulnerable and honest and all that good stuff but it was probably the most painful ending yet. I really want to learn how to make better partnering choices but don’t know how. I mean, seeing my pattern and knowing how to change it are two very different things. Not to mention, I am human. Prone to make mistakes. Does that exclude me from having a loving relationship?
So, have you been able to change your relationship patterns for the better? How and what did you do? I don’t expect that I will do an automatic 180. I expect a little two steps forward, one step back action but god damn! I need some help on the two steps forward. I feel I reek of this experience and don’t feel like I’m moving in any direction at all. If this sounds familiar, the making bad relationship choices part, how were you able to change? Anon but email can be sent to changemypatterns@gmail.com
Thanks a bunch for any and all insight.

Another Breakup Conundrum

kramer1975 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:38:47 -0800

I've made the difficult decision to breakup with a partner that I still care about very much. She is about to go on a one month vacation to see her family. Do I break up with her before or after the trip? So the background is, after dating for around 9 months, my girlfriend moved in with me 4 months ago. In retrospect our decision was hasty -- she was having roommate and financial issues at the time, which speeded up the normal course of events.
In the short space of time since, I have come to the realization that we made a big mistake. While she is a wonderful person and we have had great times together, my gut feeling tells me now that it just isn't going to work out in the long term. (the main issue is one of intellectual compatability). It pains me to admit it but my gut feeling is that I need to end this soon without leading her on for any longer.
In a couple of weeks she is heading home for a month. I don't want to ruin her vacation, so part of me thinks it's better to tell her when she gets back. On the other hand, if I wait, I am going to have to act like nothing is wrong for the next 6 weeks, which seems dishonest.
Obviously neither option is appealing, but which is the least bad way to do it?

We will break up again. But I want to be happy and there are some things I need to do. Advice?

pyrom — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 08:56:27 -0800

Relationshipfilter: When we're together, I couldn't be more happy. When the inevitable breakups come, I feel so empty and no amount of time makes me feel as whole as when I'm with him. I know it won't last, but I'd take the pain of him leaving again just to have a couple months of happiness. Advice? About a year ago (mid-summer '08), I met a guy. We'll call him "Jon". It was my first relationship, and it was magical beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. We were so well matched, he was respectful and loving and I couldn't have asked for more. I fell in love with him.

As winter came, things started to fall apart. There would be days I wouldn't hear from him, he stopped wanting to talk to me and his desire to see me was much less. Around five days before Christmas, Jon came over and I told him that I was angry that he'd dropped contact, and that it made me worried. He got angry, we ended up shouting and he left saying that we were over. We got together for lunch a couple days later, and he told me he "wasn't good enough" for me and that he was holding me back. He refused to comply when I told him I loved him and I didn't care, and things ended at that point. I was depressed for at least a month, food became repulsive and I dropped around ten pounds. Life was difficult, I thought about him endlessly and it was hard to function socially. After several months, the pain handn't really subsided but I'd gotten used to dealing with it.

Jon contacted me in March, I'd not heard from him since the day we'd had lunch. In an email he told me he loved me, he missed me, he said he made a mistake and was scared because I changed his plans for his life. My heart melted at this point, and although I resolved to be careful, I got back in contact with him. We talked over IM for a couple days, and we then decided to meet up. After dating in secret for a few weeks, we told our friends and family that we were back together. Things were again glorious for a few months, he was much better at keeping contact and he constantly expressed how glad he was to have me back and how ashamed he was to have let me go.

Things, again, began to fall apart. Jon, again, started dropping contact and lost interest in seeing me. After a few weeks of this, I confronted him. He said he thought we needed to work on our friendship (our "friendship" was fine, great for the most part), and that we should just see each other as friends for a while. I told him it would be too painful, and he ended the relationship once again.

I didn't hurt anything like it did in winter. It was a shock, but I felt so unattached at that point that despite sadness at night, I could be somewhat happy during the day. There were times where I could forget. But the feeling of emptiness that I felt, my lack of connection toward someone was just as pronounced.
That was a Sunday in May. Minutes after I'd gotten off the phone with him, my mother and I began to talk. We tried to figure out what would cause his behavior, and my mom proposed that he might be bipolar.

My aunt was recently featured in an article that advocated better medical care for prison inmates with psychological disorders. Her son, my cousin, was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a great deal owing to her efforts to have him treated. My mother and I got on a conference call with my aunt, and the description of my cousin sounded a lot like Jon.

YANADfilter- Here's what sticks out to me from what she said, as these are things that also apply to Jon. She said that her son, "Jake", didn't get bad until around high school. That it began suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, but later correlated to a traumatic event. After talking with Jon's mother, she said that Jon's weird moods began one spring when he was 15, but he wouldn't talk about what happened. Jake would have months where he'd hole himself up in his room, not talk to anybody and would eat very little. At the end of each relationship, Jon would have nights where he'd hardly speak to me and when I did see him, he'd eat very little. His mother would mention that Jon wasn't speaking to her and that immediately after school he'd go straight to bed. Additionally, when I saw him at this point, he was uninterested in me sexually, which led to some frustration on my part. To me, this seems the depressive stage.
She also described Jake's manic stage. Where he'd be on edge, where he'd hardly sleep and would talk very fast. He'd get angry at tiny things that didn't make sense. Jon is known for getting angry for no reason, for exploding without a cause. I've known him to stay up for days, but it usually correlated with a lot of school work.
He seemed uncannily similar, especially down to little quirks, such as getting sick at a regular interval, headaches as a child, and an addictive personality- these things all seem to match up with Jon.

Jon contacted me yesterday, after a couple days of lurking on IM with his status saying things like "I'm a fool for leaving her" and other messages that seemed almost suicidal in nature. He said he wouldn't care what anyone thought, that he hated himself for letting me go. I ended up talking to him. I went to see him. I can't explain why. Things heated up pretty quickly. And now I'm unsure of what to do.

His mother is going though some serious pain trying to help her son and has no idea what to do. There are times when he won't speak to her for days and it's to the point where it's emotionally damaging. I haven't told her of my theory, and at the moment she's blaming his actions on being a young male. I can't come close to determining that he's bipolar but his actions seem very similar to that of Jake's. I feel like it's partially my duty to try and help her figure out what's going wrong. I feel like, getting back with Jon is less about making me happy and more about trying to help him.

I want this summer to be a happy one. During school, studying and distance prevents Jon and I from being together as often. Now we're both home and we have what seems an indefinite amount of time. I feel like, for once, I understand, and that I can do some good for him. I want to make him happy. But, my parents and friends don't approve considering what's happened.

Please help, thanks again, all advice welcome.

Did you feel this stupid after your breakup?

buzzkillington — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 10:17:10 -0800

How do I get over feeling like a total idiot for believing in a relationship that she ended without a second thought? Long story short, I went through this, but it was 10 years of friendship/love including 2 years of marriage. My first real, long-term thing. We went through some rough patches, who doesn't, but while I always thought we would work it out, make it through, and be in it forever, she apparently didn't have the faith or trust in us that I did.

Enough time has passed and thanks to the above link, I am pretty well over it. No love, no longing, no revenge fantasies or wishing we would get back together. No real interest in seeing or speaking to her, though we run into each other plenty in social situations and it's cordial. Just a genuine desire and excitement to move on with my life.

What I am feeling, however, in INCREDIBLE stupidity. I feel like such an idiot for being in this relationship for SO long (not to mention thinking it would last,) with someone who was on such a completely different page that she ended it without even really trying to save it.

Did you feel this dumb post-breakup? How did you get over it? Is it just a "hindsight is 20/20, love is blind, give it time" kind of deal?

Thanks, me-fiers. It feels like this is the last mental obstacle to closing the book, so I appreciate your help.

Quitting the competition, while still running the race

Chrysalis — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:25:20 -0800

Help me get my focus back on my own life and happiness and stop comparing/competing with my ex in my own mind... and stop having how I compare with others as a condition to my happiness/self esteem in general... 3 months ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me, so I packed my bags the same day and moved back to my home town (I'd moved city to live with him, had been there a year) to try to rebuild my life. I've been doing a pretty good job of that, all things considered, and now have a great job, am studying and keeping busy with my sport, have reconnected with all my friends and have a pretty good social life, but I still find myself comparing or competing with him in the back of my mind... wondering whether I'm doing better or worse than he is (I cut off all contact so I don't know anything for certain and he doesn't know what I'm up to)... even though I know it doesn't matter and there's enough happiness to go around for both of us.

Due to the fact that he cheated on me with much prettier girls, my already shaky confidence in terms of attractiveness, has taken a bit of a beating, whereas he would have got a huge ego boost and being very handsome, charming and a seasoned player who knows what people want to hear, no doubt has more girls on tap. I've been getting some male attention which has been reassuring but somehow I feel like maybe I should be trying to be a player like he was, and compete with him on that level. Then I remember that I actually *don't* want to just have a whole bunch of meaningless encounters or dishonest relationships just to stroke my ego, I would at some point like to have a real, caring relationship, if indeed such a thing is a realistic expectation, and I certainly don't want to use or decieve anyone the way he did me. Sometimes I worry that maybe the fact that I want something different in terms of relationships to what he wants is some kind of deficiency and Mr Player knows something I don't.

We also compete in the same sport, him much more successfully than I, and I'm sure that would continue to be the case, and to be honest, that bothers me. I always put in 100% effort but he has more natural talent and experience. I hate that he was so awful and is living out my dream.

I know I need to go back to thinking in terms of "me" not "we" and just focus on my own life and have that be enough in and of itself, and that he is not the kind of person I should even want to be like, but there's always a little voice in my head when something good happens going "haha, take that, I win" and the opposite when something bad happens. And then, as in the above example, sometimes I want things I don't even want, just so that I can feel like I came out alright. I guess I have a bit of a fear that he's just more of a winner in life and I'm the loser who got played - I don't want to think like this!

I know I am a competitive person anyway, and I have always been guilty of comparing myself to others, to the detriment of my own happiness, but I want to change. I want to stop comparing myself to him, and to other people, and stop setting "being better/the best" as a precondition to my happiness/sense of self worth. I feel like I'm wasting my life away like this!

What are some things I can think about or do to help me live my life in the context of my own personal values/goals/dreams again and not keep having to compete to prove to him or myself that I am a great person?

Soul mates splitting

Direwolf — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:17:42 -0800

How to say goodbye to someone you love? I am coming to the end of a relationship with a woman that I love more than I have ever cared for anyone. She is in a divorce, has two little kids, going to college, has a job, etc... and claims that she can't be in a relationship with me now. She also says that she wants me to go out and have kids, get married, etc... but still says that she cares for me the same way I care for her. Its pretty confusing to me...So she really won't talk to me much anymore, just when she feels like she is losing things. It is hard for me to say goodbye because of my attachment to her, although I am trying...But when it seems like I am moving on she will send messages about still wanting to be together. Well to make a long story short and confusing, she loves me, won't be in a relationship with me, wants me to move on, but keeps contacting me. Whats the best way to handle things? To me, the only option that looks like it is going to work is to end our contact/relationship and move on with our lives. This minimal contact is very stressful, sad, and causing too much anxiety. The only hard part is I really do love her, never felt like this for anyone, ever, don't want to give up, and to have her in my life fully would be amazing...
Any suggestions?

Bringing my ex to Small Claims Court

ascetic — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 12:31:14 -0800

I am suing my ex in small claims court for my Xbox 360, please review the evidence and help me out. So, here’s the scoop: I bought an Xbox 360 Arcade on or around Valentine’s Day of this year. The timing was purely coincidental; I already had plans for Valentine’s Day gifts. My girlfriend at the time traded in her broken Xbox 360 as credit (a $40 value). I ended up paying $195 with my debit card. We broke up, and she is claiming that the Xbox is hers. So, I am suing her in small claims court. She has the receipt (which would prove that I indeed swiped my card), which I am sure she will cleverly lose. I do have a bank statement showing that $195 was spent at Gamestop on the 14th. I contacted Gamestop and they cannot print out any duplicate receipts...

Do I have enough substantiating evidence? I know in my head that the Xbox is MINE, but how can I strengthen my argument? I will answer any questions.

Why be friends after a breakup?

RajahKing — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 11:23:10 -0800

After a breakup that is not mutual, what is the purpose of staying friends with the person who dumped you? I am curious to hear your opinions, in regards to personal growth/health/happiness, as to why it may be a good or bad practice to stay friends with exes.

My story that generated the question is simply that I was dumped recently after a ten month relationship (in an entirely appropriate way) but I miss her and feel hurt, and right now I can’t imagine why I would or should put myself through the pain of ever seeing her as a friend. She seems to desire friendship. We move in separate social circles so avoiding her is not difficult. On the other hand, a friendship would be feasible in the sense that we live close to each other and participate in similar team activities.

I am in my early thirties, have had a normal amount of relationships, and in fact remember being friends with exes in the past (usually as a result of mutual breakups). But I am not asking about my situation in particular; I know I need a lot of space right now to get over it, lick my wounds, and maybe down the road I’ll feel differently. The question is more about the purposefulness and/or personal growth aspects.

So, do you think there is a purposeful reason, for personal growth, happiness, or otherwise, to be open to post-relationship friendship?

This is my first question for AskMeFi, I hope its appopriate vis a vis the guidelines - thanks.

A break is a break

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:26:22 -0800

How to know if I actually want the relationship back? Relationship of three years currently on break. Last week, I asked for a break from my SO of three years. It was my first relationship, I'm in my early twenties. I'd always conceived of myself as independent, striking out in a big metropolitan city with a tiny apartment downtown. I never really envisioned being in a relationship for this long, this young.

The main thing that made me question the relationship was the fact that my SO isn't very opinionated, whereas I am. I enjoy lengthy discussions about whatever comes to mind, rather than simply reciting whatever neat thing it is we found on Wikipedia that day.

That said, in other respects this relationship has been amazing. We've talked at length about what the future holds and how we plan on compromising to stay near each other. For the last year or so, the potential for marriage has been on my mind, and every time I envision that tiny apartment, and add the SO to the picture, I feel all warm and fuzzy. My SO is very kind and supportive, and has been my best friend these past years.

I asked for a break because I wasn't sure what I wanted out of a long-term relationship, and life. I've recently gotten really involved with a rather social activity that takes up a lot of my time and introduces me to a lot of new and interesting people. It felt like a completely different world, and the fact that my SO was not at all part of this world was really disorienting. When I was with the club, I almost felt single. I thought I was making the right decision in asking for some space; I have until the beginning of May to think things over.

I read this question, and I see a lot of people pointing out things that indicate that the Asker isn't actually interested in getting back together with their SO and is simply experiencing the natural regret that comes with breaking up, including:

- not indicating desire for the partner
- not jumping at the opportunity to get back together

Since I asked for the break, I've been a bit of a mess. I spent two days just sleeping and moping and going through the motions of talking to people and doing laundry and eating and whatnot. We still talk, and hearing their voice makes me unexpectedly weepy. When people who don't know about things ask me how I am, I feel angry that I'm forced to put on this smiley face and pretend everything is okay. In my mind, May can't come soon enough, and the thought that I might not care anymore by May scares me far, far more than the thought that they might move on. During my periods of lucidity, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I'm NOT crying.

I know part of the regret and the second-guessing is a natural process, but surely, some of the above indicate that I do still want to be with them? I don't want to ask to get back together and put them through a whole load of drama unless I'm certain of my decision.

Multicultural Breakup

AMP583 — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:49:02 -0800

The short end - my insecurity, slight bickering, possible anxiety combined with cultural/language differences pushed a great, overall, happy, loving/in-love, great sex relationship over the end. Now im hurt, of course, confused, and still want a future. HELP! I dated a woman for a year and 8 months, prior to which we were friends for 6. She was my best female friend and i hesitated to date her for the risk of losing her as a friend.

My personal issues have stemmed from a previous volatile relationship that unfortunately spurted up in my most recent relationship. issues of insecurity, coupled with bickering habits from the past have lead to a few troubled times.

Previously we've discussed these issues as being limiting factors of how far we could actually go. We both believed with a little TLC as well as some therapy, my issues could be resolved. So we continued to date.

At first she was content with our cultural differences. She was raised catholic, i was raised hindu but neither of us are devoted. My parents don't speak english as well as hers but both of our families supported the relationship. Despite this, she felt it was what she wanted long term....

Recently she and i visited my parents and she had dinner with her ex bf, while i was out of town. I became insecure about this and thus began a "spat"-at the same time the notion that our families being incompatible was fueled in her head.

So we broke up. Her conclusion was we're not the right fit - our families arent right for one another, the wedding wouldnt be right for her, she wants a family where both sides are able to fully communicate with one another. And ultimately she doubts it would work long term.

The unfortunate thing is, i know she loves me so this is terribly hard on her. She wanted it to be right but it seems she has large doubts. We never fully discussed the details of our lives like marriage but i feel as though i could have made necessary sacrifices to fit her needs.

Of course, i love this woman dearly and since i know i can fix my personal issues, i have a sense of (false) hope. Our breakup has gone okay, kinda dramatic but still understanding on both parts. We've enlisted the do not contact rule...

Do things like this ever work out? Is there a possibility of moving on while still seeing where things lay in the future? All similar posts lead to 'move on, you were better without her' but we loved each other dearly and the family issue seems the largest obstacle.

Also:
--I've lost a large chunk of my friends due to them moving out of the city, how can i build a support structure?
--How can i STOP calling, texting, emailing her?
--Should i use CL for random hookups to move on? I dont know the success rates and im kinda fearful of what will become of me. And i dont want to move on but its probably best(?)
-- I feel like i need more women friends in my life which i don't have many of...how can i make more?

overall advice is also appreciated. thanks

Breaking up my friend's relationship. How?

xchmp — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 07:26:41 -0800

I have a friend ("Rob") who has a girlfriend ("Emma"). This is a question about how Rob can break up with Emma and how (and if) I can help him do this. Normally this would be none of my damn business and I wouldn't get involved. But Rob has wanted to break-up with Emma for at least the last year. He's set himself several deadlines to do so, all of which have made a whirring sound as they flew by. I've been supportive. I've encouraged him to go through with it. But he hasn't. It's a ridiculous situation and I'm out of ideas.

I'm not going to go into too much detail. Rob and Emma got together a couple of years ago. Rob's previous relationship was long-distance and ended very badly. She was very controlling and Rob seemed to be constantly walking on egg-shells to protect her oh-so-delicate feelings. She broke up with him in a rather evil and duplicitous way. Emma's a vast improvement on this, but Rob still seems to do the same kind of thing, though to a lesser extent.

There are various points of conflict between them, but nothing very serious. There's no big reason for them to break-up. The problem is, Rob just finds the whole relationship very dull. He likes her and they get on well together, but that's about it. He seems to be completely bored by the whole thing.

Since he first realised he wanted out of the relationship, he's come up with every possible excuse for not doing so: Too close to her brithday; too close to Christmas; they're going on holiday; she's having a tough time at work. Occasionally he'll find a suitable time and set himself a deadline to break up with her. But something inevitably comes up. Then he talks himself back into thinking the relationship is what he wants, which lasts a couple of weeks, and he finds himself back in the same situation. Recently he managed to get to the point where he was making the phone call to have the break-up conversation, but he couldn't say the words.

Emma has no idea how he feels, although all his friends do, which makes it kind of weird when she's around. He feels bad about this and everything else, which doesn't seem to help. He worries that he's doing the same thing to her that his ex did to him.

As a friend, it's frustrating to watch him waste years of his life on these pointless and screwed-up relationships. Obviously I can't control him or his life, but sitting around saying "I know you can do it this time!" doesn't seem to be doing much good. Is there anything I can do to help him get over this? If you were ever in Rob's position, what helped you finally make the break? I'm assuming that waiting for the next time the three of us are out together and saying "Oh, and did you know that Rob wants to break up with you?" will have terrible consequences for all involved, but hey, I'm open to suggestion.

(Oh, and everyone involved is in their mid-twenties).

How do I take a roadtrip with a guy who is probably going to break up with me?

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 16:23:38 -0800

I'm leaving shortly on a roadtrip with someone I've been seeing but I think the relationship is cooling off and now I'm feeling ill about the trip...help! I've been dating Joe for a bit longer than a month. When we first got together, we planned a roadtrip together and bought the various necessities (hotel, rental car).

This Friday we leave together to go on the trip, and we won't be back till Wednesday of the following week.

Our relationship was great until last weekend. It's very hard to pinpoint why, but I started to get the feeling that Joe was cooling off in general towards me. Our communication when we're apart has dwindled since then, though I'm certain he's still planning on taking this trip with me.

I'm starting to dread this trip. I have to go, but I know if we go and I continue to get the feeling that things are cooling down it could make for a really unpleasant vacation. We will be together almost 24/7 during the trip, driving in the car.

I'm looking for any ideas or pointers on how to deal with this situation, besides pulling the plug and not going, which is out of the question for now.

Have you ever been in a similar fix, stuck spending time with someone your spidey sense was telling you was thinking of breaking it off?

I like Joe a lot, but if he dumps me I'll be fine eventually I'm sure, but spending five days in a car with him if he's feeling like I think he is is not something I know how to handle. Please help!

It's ok if you don't call

telephasic — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:46:15 -0800

Dumped. She said we'd talk again, but I've come to realize that I don't want her back in my life, and would rather not speak with her again. So why can't I stop mentally preparing for a call that may never actually come? Me: 29, active social life, great job, but not very experienced with dating. Slightly damaged from past quasi-relationships (apparently I'm quite useful as a temporary guy to rebuild someone's damaged self-esteem). Been through the "figuring things out" crapfest that is the mid-20's, and for the most part, feel stable and good about where I am in life. Am ok being alone, but after turning my life around and having been single for almost all of my 20's, I'm ready to share my time with someone.

Her: 24, a month away from starting grad school in the city, unsure and confused about a lot of things in life. One of the cool kids in high school and college, and thus, has dated a lot more than me. Before me, dumped her BF of nearly two years who had by her account enveloped her life. Wants to prove to herself that she can be independent and wants to spend time outside school and work reconnecting with friends.

We dated for 6 intense and drama-filled months. Since she had just got out of a serious (and exhausting) relationship two months prior, I think she may have originally subconsciously used me to fill a physical and emotional gap in her life. Three breakups due to her not feeling ready. First was one month in, lasted one day. Second was one month later, lasted one week. Both times she missed me and called first. From that point on, she kept saying that while she liked me so very much, she was scared to get into something serious, and that to her, being with me was only inevitably moving towards a long term relationship. She admitted that she was falling for me pretty hard, but was resisting because she was in an odd place in her life and didn't feel ready. Over the last couple of months, though, she would say things like "I'm just afraid that I'm going to wake up one day and you'll be gone, and I won't be able to deal with that". While crying.

Third breakup: Two months ago. It had happened twice before so I was pretty much resigned to the fact that it was over. This one has stuck, maybe because she really wanted to be alone for a while (as she put it during the call), or maybe because of a new guy (more likely, but not sure if there is one, as I've made no effort to find out what she's up to), and I'm ok with that. I want her to be happy, and I know that while she said that she was scared and wasn't ready for a relationship, that probably just meant that she didn't want to be with me. If she has more in common with someone else, and he makes her happy, then that's great.

After a month I realized that while I am feeling incredibly lonely, I don't miss her. I miss the affection and the closeness, but we really didn't have much in common beyond that, and most of the time outside of meeting up for dinner was spent either in bed or talking through one of the various dramatic situations that popped up in her life. That being said, there were times when we both felt an incredible connection with each other, and we had often commented on how those times felt so right. Part of me feels that maybe it was just bad timing, and had she been in a better spot in her life, this could have been something great. In the end, though, I realize that she's just not the right person for me to be with. Regardless, it was all so emotionally taxing that I'm now glad it's over.

So, the crux of the matter:

When the breakup call was winding down, I made it a point to wish her luck in grad school and with whatever she may do down the road. I truly meant this, as I care for her and wish her well. However, her reply to this was quick, saying not to make any grand statements like that, because we were going to talk again. When I protested, she cut me off and adamantly stated, "No...we WILL talk again." I have a feeling that maybe she'll call one day when she's either lonely or ready for something long-term. Probably lonely. I think deep down, she had some pretty intense feelings for me, probably more intense than I ever felt for her, and those feelings scared her.

Is her being so adamant about it as weird as I think? Is this a sneaky way to make sure she stays on my mind while avoiding being the bad guy? If she were to call, is there some sort of general cooling-off period before someone attempts contact? While I don't really want to speak with her again, I have this nagging feeling that she's going to call and I'm going to need to be prepared. It's obvious from writing this that I still have some sort of feeling for her. We both tended to over-analyze things (obviously), so I know that anything she said wasn't said flippantly. She made some pretty big statements about her feelings towards me, so I think it's possible that eventually she'll call. I know what it feels like to be a rebound, and with the emotions involved, I don't think that was the case here.

If you've ever personally said or heard this, what was the result? More importantly, how do I stop thinking about this seemingly inevitable call? I just want to move on, but even though I've cut her completely from my daily life, my brain won't let go. I even have a couple of women interested in dating me, but I don't want to unless I know I'm not just going to use them to not be lonely.

Apologies for the length, but writing it out in and of itself has been cathartic. Thank you in advance for any answers, anecdotes, or anything else you may be able to offer.

Calling Montgomery Scott...

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 08:28:27 -0800

How do I return something that can't be mailed to someone I dated over a year ago, but don't want further contact with? I dated a guy for a short while more than a year ago. There was no chemistry of any kind, and I broke it off. While we were dating he lent me an extra printer to use (mine wasn't working at the time), but I never really used it. After we stopped dating but were still hanging out occasionally, I told him I wasn't using it any longer and that he should take it back. He declined, saying I should keep it around in case I needed it (argh!).

Shortly thereafter, I decided I didn't want even a friendship with him. He's not a bad guy - just very emotionally immature and too much for me to deal with. At this point, we aren't really in contact anymore, and that's how I'd prefer things stay. However, I still have this printer of his sitting around taking up room in my tiny apartment.

The logical answer would be to drop it off at his place, but
(1) he lives with his parents and sibling. I've never met them, and I intend to keep it that way. Dropping it off at his house IS NOT AN OPTION for this reason.
(2) he lives 35 miles away - this is in a major metropolitan area. I completely avoid driving here because it's intensely stressful for me. So even if dropping it off at his house were an option (WHICH IT'S NOT), driving 70 miles to get rid of something he should have taken long ago is not very realistic.
(3) I absolutely don't want to keep the printer, and I would have a problem getting rid of it - it's not mine to get rid of.

I considered asking him out to lunch one day and making sure the printer goes home with him, but my only reason for spending more time with him would be to return the machinery. Hanging out once more wouldn't be the end of the world, but at this point I'm not interested even in a friendship and seeing him after a period of no contact would open the possibility that he thinks we're still friends.

I know I'm probably coming across here as horribly callous, but I am very much someone who keeps to herself and I choose my friendships very carefully. I nurture the ones I truly cherish, and am not big on trying to maintain relationships out of guilt or some sense of obligation. Also, each time I see this guy, he brings me little gifts. It's very sweet - none of the other guys I've dated have ever done that for me. It's especially touching given he doesn't have much money, and he remembers my likes, dislikes, etc. But I know beyond a doubt that I don't want to stay in touch with him, and I don't want to lead him to believe otherwise.

Is there an obvious answer for how to return his printer that I'm missing? I'm thinking I'll just have to suck it up, ask him out to lunch, return it and then let things wither away, again. That just seems a little bit cruel, given that it won't be a genuine gesture - ulterior motive, anyone? I don't want to open up the possibility that we might hang out in the future. As for being assertive and telling to come pick it up, that seems downright rude. Finally, I have no intention of driving to his house, meeting his family, etc. just to drop off something that he should have taken with him last time he was at my place.

Thanks so much for any ideas or advice you have...

Can we not be friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 15:16:26 -0800

How do I "break up" with a platonic friend? I have been friends with a woman, Amy, for several years. We are both single, straight women and in our early 40's.

Our casual friendship intensified last year as we were both going through bad times. I was getting out of an abusive marriage and my ex refused to leave me alone, which lead to terrible confrontations and and jail time for him.

At the same time, Amy had met a man and dated him briefly, but he was not interested. She was heartbroken and continued to try to get him back into her life.

So she and I spent lots of time together and stayed in close contact. She was extremely supportive and really took on my cause. I tried to help her as well, by encouraging her to leave the guy alone and move on.

I have been in therapy and also started a very healthy and happy relationship. She continued her cycle of meeting guys, falling hard, and scaring them off with her intensity. Her last "relationship" was the worst. It was with a married man who promised the world, then blew her off. After their breakup she continued sending him long letters, as well as calling, emailing, sending text messages, IM-ing to the point where he had to confront her and tell her to leave him alone. Recently she joined a club so that she could attend the meetings and see him (so he started attending different meetings, but she has tracked him down again).

Their breakup happened over 4 months ago. She still contacts him every day. She also sends me at least one long email a day about the guy and I tell her repeatedly that she has to leave him alone. She admits her behavior is terrible, but she doesn't stop.

I started to withdraw from the friendship several months ago, when I realized that she was attracted to drama. I was also extremely uncomfortable with her stalking guys, especially considering my own experience. And I was exhausted by her almost daily teary calls about the married man. When I didn't respond immediately, I would get mean messages about how I was not there for her, even though she was there for me.

I'm definitely in the "nesting" stage with my new boyfriend and busy with my work, so I've been using that as an excuse for not seeing Amy. But she does not give up. She has joined my gym, she tried to join one of my activity groups, tries to befriend my friends, etc....

Unfortunately, Amy has no other friends. None of my friends like her. She gets mad at me when I do something without her, but she makes my friends really uncomfortable.

Part of me wonders if I am selfish and if now that I'm past my issues, she's no longer useful and I'm dropping her. And I
while she drives me crazy, I do want be nice, because she is (deep down) good at heart, and seriously hurting.

Already today she has called me three times, emailed once, and sent a text message with updates of her day. Tonight I am supposed to go to a show with a group of people, and they don't want her along with us. I don't know how I'm going to explain it to her. Even as I type this question she is IM-ing me to ask what I'm doing tonight.

So...how do you end a platonic relationship with someone who has a proclivity for stalking and serious boundary issues? Is it possible to "end" things smoothly and without animosity? Or, best of all, how can I taper down the friendship so that we are still amicable, but without her constant contact?

Should I tell my ex-girlfriend that the reason I broke up with her was because I had feelings for someone else?

bluespacemonkey — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 07:16:26 -0800

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. The reason I ended it was because I realised that I had been gradually developing strong feelings for one of her close friends (and it’s very possible that her friend had feelings for me). My feelings for her friend were not going away and this was causing me a lot of hurt. I felt that the right thing to do was to break up and walk away from the whole situation. Will the truth allow my ex to move on or will it just upset her unnecessarily? As tempting as it is to pursue a relationship with her friend I know it would be wrong. Her friend would probably remain loyal to the friendship regardless of how she felt about me anyway. There’s no happy ending here for me, I accept that.

The real problem I face is that I feel very guilty that I didn't tell my girlfriend the real reason why I was breaking up with her. She took the break up very badly and at the time I just wanted to spare her feelings, but now I think about it she's probably a left bit confused and unable to explain exactly what went wrong between us. I'm worried that she blames herself and still wants me back when really she should be wanting to move on.

So if I told her the truth, although it might make her feel worse at first, in the long run maybe it will let her see that us breaking up was definitely for the best. Since nothing actually happened between her friend and I, there's nothing for her to be embarrassed about and there shouldn’t be any bad blood between them.

So have I done the right thing by trying to spare her feelings or should I come clean and tell her the truth?
If the situation was reversed, I think I would want to know the truth.

I know I really should, but I'm not letting go

Anonymous — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 16:48:17 -0800

I know I should break up. I know breaking up is probably what's best for me. But I'm not willing to let this one go without another shot yet. So where do I go from here? DTMFA unnecessary, and unwelcome. I'm looking to make the one last stand here. Quite a bit more, comme toujours. First relationship, we've been dating for a year and 10 months. We're both in first year undergrad at the same out-of-town University.

He lives in residence, whereas I opted for off-campus, as it is cheaper. We're in different programs, but our school is one where the inter-program hostility could not get much higher. There's much exclusion in terms of what "we" do and what "you" do.

The transition to University has been an extremely difficult, for me. I've lost more or less my entire support network, am totally isolated and when I do hang out with people, all I hear about is the things that go on within their res and it inevitably makes me feel like the outsider. He knows this.

He's not a very good communicator. We both know this. He's great when he's around, and I can't help but be happy when he's around. But he's not around much. It's a bit "out of mind, out of sight" with him. My place is a 15 minute walk and at the end of the day, even that seems daunting. I see him, say, two or three times a week - which is a big change from when I saw him daily in High School, mind you. That, plus the release of Halo 3, and other friends to play other FPS games online with, and the typical residence related social dynamic means that I don't even see him much on MSN, and if he is on MSN he's usually distracted, and the rare time that he calls he's usually a completely different person because there are other people in the room.

He knows I feel isolated, abandoned, and hurt. He knows I cry over this. It makes him feel like absolute and complete shit and he does try, very hard. I've told him he needs to be around more, I've told him he needs to show me that he cares more and not rely on the "I love you" at the end of the night that's more routine than anything else. And it has gotten better. As I've settled into my program a bit more and gotten a bit more used to the idea that all friendships will be superficial, for a while, things have gotten a little bit better. But he also seems to have ADD - nothing ever bothers him for long, so nothing that bothers me will stay on his mind for long. Things might change the next day, linger a week, and return to status quo.

And that's the issue, I think. He's living in status quo and not adapting to the changing dynamic between me and him and assuming things will always be as good as they have been.

And they have been good. This is the one caveat, really. I know we're young, etc., but I do love him, a lot. And he loves me. And when we're together, by ourselves, I can't imagine being with anyone else. Except at this point, when I'm bitter at night and ranting to my friends, I think of how being single would be easy because sure, I'd be lonely, but I wouldn't expect to be otherwise.

I can't let go of the idea of more with him, not when we've been talking about moving in next year when everyone gets out of res and a bunch of friends rent a house together. I do want to see this go farther, but it's gotten to a point where the person is worth the effort, but the effort isn't worth the effort. Does that make sense?

So where do I go from here? What can I do to save this relationship? He knows pretty much everything I feel, he just doesn't really know what to do about it, or remember it the next day. I'm not ready to give up, are there other options barring an ultimatum?

Shouldn't 4 months be long enough to get over this?

heavenstobetsy — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 19:02:08 -0800

Can/should I be friends with my ex? My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in the beginning of June, almost 4 months ago. It sucked. We never really stopped talking between then and now and see each other about 3 times a month, sometimes slightly more. It's fine, except for one thing, when he talks about dating or some girl that has asked him out, I get upset. I guess I still have residual feelings for him, but I would never get back together with him. It was too messy of a breakup for that.

So why can't I just let it go?

We were friends for almost 2 years before we started going out, if that helps. I really want him in my life, as a friend. But how can I do that if he is reluctant to tell me about his love life because of how I've reacted in the past?

Can we just press on and eventually it won't bother me? Do I just need time? I'm really reluctant to cut and run on this one.

Happy to clarify if any of that was unclear or scattered.

Getting past the guilt of breaking up

Anonymous — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 06:29:25 -0800

So, I finally took a deep breath, steeled my nerves, had the hideous We-Need-to-Talk conversation, and broke up with the boyfriend. Now -- how do I deal with the guilt? We were together for over ten years, but with time it had become increasingly hard for me to be oblivious to the differences in our core values, life priorities, etc., and I finally decided I had to stop pretending to be somebody I'm not in order to keep the peace, and instead to make a break and move elsewhere with my life. I don't think he was entirely surprised (he knew I'd been unhappy lately), but I don't think he expected I'd actually go ahead and do this, and he is now in a lot of pain and sadness. (At least, that's what I gleaned from the one post-breakup phone conversation we've had.)

While I don't think breaking up with him was the wrong thing to do, I do feel wrong about causing him so much pain, and I go through periods every day where I feel so awful about hurting him like this that my chest clenches up. I worry about whether he's going to be OK (especially because he's a very solitary guy with few if any friends). He's not doing anything to try to guilt me, I should add. And I'm seeing a counselor, who keeps pointing me toward the fact that I made the right decision for me, but how can I feel OK about it when it was SO not the right decision for him?

My original impulse was to ask "How much guilt should I be feeling?" but I know that's dumb, it's not a quantifiable thing. Rather, I guess what I'd ask is -- how have others gotten past this and let go of the (admittedly irrational) sense of responsibility for someone else's pain? Especially when one was the cause of that pain?

Help me make the Break-Up Talk suck less

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 20:01:48 -0800

I plan on breaking up with my girlfriend in the next few days. (We've been together for about half a year.) Help me avoid mistakes that could make The Talk worse than it has to be. (I realize that it's still going to suck even in a best-case scenario.) To give some background on this, my girlfriend and I had already been friends for a few years before we started dating. And, post-relationship, I wouldn't mind becoming friends again at some point (though I realize that might take some time). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't wan to burn bridges that I don't have to.

(I've read through several past threads on breakups, so I'll try not to repeat things that may have already been asked/answered.)

In one of the break-up threads, anastasiav recommends "No hugging. No kissing. If your (now former) s/o starts to cry, it will be a natural impulse to try and provide comfort. Resist the urge. No pats on the back, no physical contact of any kind."

Is that a hard-and-fast rule? (If it is, that's fine, but I just don't know.) Because I value her as a friend, part of me is/was tempted to bake some cookies for her as a gesture to say that I wouldn't be opposed to eventually becoming friends again. Something now tells me that might be a bad idea , eh?

In another thread, redfoxtail mentions that saying "'We need to talk' hours before the actual talk is not kind. I don't recommend it. The ideal situation is to have the talk as soon as you bring it up at all; have it in private; and be able to leave her alone when you're done."

As it turns out, I think I remember reading the opposite suggestion somewhere else -- that the person doing the breaking-up should call a couple hours ahead of time (I guess so that when The Talk happens it's not so much of a mental jolt?). I can kinda see things from both sides, but I'd be interested in whether the hivemind thinks it's better to mention "we need to talk" ahead of time or not.

And supposing that the general agreement is toward not mentioning "we need to talk" ahead of time, does that mean that I should arrange to meet her ahead of time (and just not tell her what it's about) or that it would be better to arrange the meeting only just before I drive over?

Sorry for writing so much (I didn't realize it'd end up being this long). If you have any questions for me, I can be reached at cm8m0cy02 (at) sneakemail.com.

Therapy: Confidentiality/conflict of interest?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 07:28:05 -0800

I've been seeing a psychotherapist since last summer. A few months ago, my boyfriend joined me in seeing the same person for couples counseling. Now, my boyfriend is also seeing her for private sessions. Q1: Is there a conflict of interest because she sees both of us separately? Q2: I am thinking of breaking up with him. Does confidentiality prevent her from "leaking" this info to him?