Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and boyfriend

"Like Rolf and Liesl, minus the Nazism!"

Gotham — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:20:43 -0800

What do you wish your first relationship had been like? Or, if it was perfect, tell me why.

I suddenly find myself on the more experienced side of the couple coin and I'm not really sure what to do here. How can I make sure that he'll look back on me fondly instead of in therapy?

One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me...

cobain_angel — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:24:57 -0800

Help me go back to being a happy girl. Here it goes. This may get long, so please bear with me.

I'd always been a very bright and cheerful person who pretty much walked through the pains of life with a smile on my face. I was always convinced that anything I'd need from life I would get by means of working hard to get it. To me, nothing was impossible. This attitude about life took me through a stressful childhood (alcoholism, abuse), a move to a different country (the US), learning the new language (English!) in six months or so, and dealing with complicated situations at home (same situations as childhood). I was always eccentric (a good friend of mine referred to me once as "insane, but in a good way"), artistic, and willing to try all sorts of new things. Two years ago I met a wonderful young man and we embarked in what has truly been the best relationship I have ever had.
All of this changed last summer. I was preparing to go to a college I'd been wanting to go to for a while. I got accepted and so did my boyfriend. We were ecstatic and everything was ready. However, due to a completely unexpected problem with banking bureaucracy over in Mexico (my home country) I was left unable to attend the college I wanted. This shattered my confidence; for the first time, I was forced to face the fact that there were some things that I just was unable to change. I was able to pull myself together well enough to register for the city's community college in time, while my boyfriend would attend "our" college by himself three hours away. I was completely devastated, and felt betrayed by my boyfriend. Though he was sad, it was an exciting experience for him. I felt abandoned and needed him very much, but also understood that going to college was important and that he wasn't abandoning me. He was as supportive as he could and made sure that I always had an outlet to my frustrations. We talked every day, and tried to keep things as happy as we could without stifling any emotions.
As the months passed, I went from being the girl described above to being a lonely, sad person. I stopped trying out new things and enjoying the things I used to love before. I went from not having enough hours in the day to do what I wanted to spending afternoons sitting on my couch doing nothing at all. My muses for painting, drawing, writing and crafting went dead. Even though my boyfriend visited practically every week, I stopped being the affectionate, fiery girlfriend I used to be and barely even kissed or touched my boyfriend; our sex lives pretty much disappeared. I felt unable to take on any relatively big tasks, feeling that I wasn't in control of my life. The only thing that I was able to do well was keep my grades up.
Now the school year is over and my boyfriend is back from college. He found it disappointing and regrets it, no doubt in part because of me. Our relationship feels damaged. We don't fight, and we are still very loving and caring with each other. But he misses the girlfriend he left behind. I am very sad with the way I have become, but I have no idea of what to do to go back to being the same girl I used to be. What can I do?

He doesn't tell me he loves me.

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:39:54 -0800

My boyfriend doesn't verbally communicate his love for me, help me cope. This isn't a "Should I DTMFA" or whether or not he loves me, he does. He shows it to me in other ways everyday, just not verbally. He's physically affectionate and very attentive to my needs. He's one of the best people I know who happens to also be my best friend and boyfriend. We get along great, have awesome sex and really enjoy each other's company. I have never dated someone that doesn't express their love for me verbally so it just throws me for a loop and I don't know how to deal with it. He also never compliments me either and I'm very used to getting compliments all the time, even from strangers. He has told me he loves me before, but only a few times and only recently. We've been together almost a year and a half. He's in his late thirties and I'm a female in my late twenties, if that matters. Relevant facts:

1. Yes, I have told him that I love him.
2. No, he doesn't tell other people he loves them either, even though I know he does.
3. He doesn't really express emotions, even anger, sadness, and happiness. He's just calm and mellow all the time.
4. He's had some pretty traumatic things happen to him in the past, one of them his brother committing suicide.
5. We have talked about this before, one time I got a little upset and cried which upset him in return, and he told me to "please be patient" with him. The first time we talked about it, he just said that he has always been this way.
6. This is seriously the only thing about him that I do not like and I'm very picky and have high standards.

So are some people just wired to not be verbally affectionate? What can I tell myself to feel better about the situation since I'm in this for the long haul. I'd also like some feedback from people that are like my boyfriend. Thanks.

Smart guy with a confusing girl, help?

Born to Hula — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:11:50 -0800

I like this girl and all signs say she digs me, but the situation's funky...read on and help me! Help me figure out this conundrum. I meet a girl at the orientation for the internship program I'm in at a company in my native city. I'm in college at the moment. I flirt with her, she flirts back and laughs at my jokes, ends up asking for my number before I can ask for hers. We get in touch, I take her out and she has fun. We get lunch a few times during the next week. I'm a good looking, confident, socially apt guy. But I thought something was fishy about this girl. Something that stopped me from making a move at other times. I ask her if she has a boyfriend a couple weeks after meeting her, and she says yes, not too enthusiastically.

Interesting.

Anyway, as I said, I'm a native of this city, but she's from a few states away, and goes to school there. So does her boyfriend. I still flirt with her and remain friendly with her, but most importantly I have a big crush on her, and almost everything I read about her says she is attracted to me. She calls me to hang out often. She seems to get nervous when I lay down the more heavy duty flirting, in a "I want to but I shouldn't way." I'm not the kind of guy who gets off on breaking up relationships, but I'm attracted to this girl in more than a physical way, and her boyfriend whom I've never met is far away and I really don't care much about him. She seems to drop hints that he is annoying her at times.

To wrap it up:

Is she being flirty with me because she's lonely in this new city where she doesn't know anyone and just wants me to stick around while the summer lasts? Or is she waiting for me to make a move despite the obvious ethical boundaries around it? Should I just grow a pair and kiss her or is she playing some kind of weird game with me?

What do you all think?

moving past feelings of disappointment.

sucre — Mon, 25 May 2009 14:18:03 -0800

how to deal with canceled plans and disappointment in long-term relationships? background and concerns:

my boyfriend and i have been together for over 7 years. we have had a very positive relationship on the whole, with a few ups and downs along the way. we don't live together (never have).

my boyfriend has been dealing with chronic head and neck problems for a couple years. he has visited a few doctors in the past, and is continuing to search for some relief. these health problems have become somewhat of an issue for us. he does not like to be around other people when he is feeling poorly (whereas i usually like company when i'm feeling sick). this often results in him canceling plans (usually via text), and me feeling extremely disappointed. i often feel angry and almost personally offended, with a bit of a "this-is-not-fair!" vibe and feelings of self-pity.

in past instances, i have often called and texted him persistently after a plan has been canceled, in some cases trying to convince him to hang out (i know, i know). he usually doesn't respond, often because he doesn't want to have a dramatic, teary conversation with me if he's already feeling bad. he has told me that my attemps to persuade him make him feel bad, because i'm not respecting him and his decision not to get together with me. i have also, on occasion, had thoughts of doubt about these health issues, wondering if there's a chance that he's using them as an excuse. i think these creeping thoughts are an example of me taking the situation personally, when in fact that is not the intention. he's honest with me, and i know it. it's hard, though, when you have no way of really knowing how someone is physically feeling. i guess that's where trust comes into play, eh?

i know that these feelings of disappointment are rooted in something deeper. one underlying problem is my attachment to this person. there is evidently some unhealthy attachment going on here, because i don't think it's normal to start bawling and moping around when plans are unexpectedly canceled.

another connected issue is that i don't have many friends. i presume this is partly due to having a boyfriend for so long, and not necessarily feeling the need to have lots of friends. i know this is an area i can work on.

so, my question is this. what can i do to alleviate these feelings of disappointment? how can i get out my frustration without taking it out on my boyfriend? should i always have a back-up plan? is it normal to feel sad? how can i get over these feelings and move on with my day?

Two Sides To the Story Left Me Feeling Anxious

InterestedInKnowing — Sun, 10 May 2009 10:07:52 -0800

Would my ex really lie about something like this? Recently I got information from a mutual friend of ours (no longer my ex's) about his disloyalty to me while we were dating. She never told me before but she kinda distanced herself from me and completely cut him out her life. It wasn't until I contacted her asking if she spoke to my ex recently because I was worried about him since he got mad at me since I told him to not contact me everyday. Well, she said she hasn't spoken to him in a year and asked me what was up. I told her and that's when she said "don't hate me but I think he's an asshole." She then told me in specifics the night I called around wondering where he was, well she said he was trying to get her into bed at her apartment. That night I was under the impression he was having a business meeting with her for an hour. He never got in touch with me and wasn't answering my calls. I called around and finally got in touch with her and she sounded a bit off on the phone. Well it turns out that my call stopped him from taking further advantage of her and he left the apartment saying "I'm not here, I'm not here." She also told me of how he made advances on her even after that incident recounting specifically things he said to her like "If we were going out would your parents allow you to date a black man?" She gave clear examples that otherwise she couldn't have possibly known. That's her side of things.

His side of things when I went to confront him and give him back his promise ring, he got very upset. He started to salivate (cause he kept spitting on the ground) and he was rolling up his cuffs and taking out his dress shirt as he couldnt believe what I told him. He said "You believe that fat bitch? Let me tell you about her, she wanted to fuck me and I wouldn't give her the time of day. She couldn't hold a candle to you!" He explained "That night, I stopped by and her friend was there and she was drunk, all over me and I had to throw her unto the floor. So, that's why you haven't been talking to me? Unreal!" and proceeded to tell me how much I have hurt him and claimed I was never there for him, but meanwhile he was confusing me. If I did all that, why would he want to marry me? Anyways, I didn't let him continue the rhetoric, I just played it cool and said we just gotta move on. But it left me feeling anxious because it went unresolved. Is it possible he was telling the truth and she is just a conniving woman or did he lie again to me?

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP!

anonymous35 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:42:49 -0800

Why can't I quit her? My head says NO but my heart says GO. please HELP! Some pretext before you start reading: I'm a pretty conservative guy. I've only had one serious relationship in the past (for one year and it ended badly when I started attending college). The prospect of one-night stands aren't that appealing to me. In the four years I attended undergrad, I've had opportunities to 'hook up' with girls but decided to pass if there wasn't a prospective of a relationship. In short, I was always looking for that special connection with someone. I never found it throughout college (in part because I wasn't actively looking; instead I sacrificed the latter two years of my social life for academics). Things changed recently with a person I never ever thought of as a potential girlfriend.

Here are the details:

I'm 23, recently graduated and work full time. She's 20, and will be a rising junior at the school I graduated from. We are both from the same hometown but school separates us 100 miles apart during the semester.

We met through a mutual friend, actually her ex-boyfriend (and only bf) of two years. I consider him a good friend and while the two were dating, it NEVER crossed my mind that I could see her as a potential girlfriend. However, they had a falling out as soon as she left for her freshman year (my senior year); they don't speak to each other anymore, I don't speak to him at all anymore, (and he has moved four states over).

Things started heating up this past winter when she came back from school and I had time off from work. We hung out on a daily basis, and although there was nothing intimate, there was a special bond forming between us. Daily hugs were long and drawn out, we would hold hands and cuddle on the couch for movies. After she left to go back for school, I thought that would be the end of communication, but she constantly texted me, which would follow up with me calling her every two or three days. I would never call her on the weekend out of respect for her space and allowing her to 'enjoy the social college scene'. Plus, I didn't want to be a burden if I called everyday. Conversations would be filled with nothing and everything, and for the first time in a long time, I finally felt that special connection. We flirted through text and I talked about going to visit her. However, things reached a boiling point when I mentioned the idea of visiting her for valentine's day, in which she abruptly told me that the flirting had to stop. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to explore her options with other guys but wanted us to stay amicable and be 'friends'. Yes, the dreaded F word. Caught in the moment, and in an act of desperation, I told her everything that was on my mind and how I felt about her, how it was only the beginning of something special, and how I didn't want to lose that. It culminated into me running out of words to say and us deciding to take a break from talking to let things cool.

Fast forward two weeks later (late Feb). I caved. I texted her a simple, 'how are you doing', and this vicious cycle continued again. Flirting. Laughing. Long passionate hugs and holding hands. Pretending everything was the same again before that 'talk'. She would now start sending emails to me at work. I visited her a few times, with the first time slept over (but on her couch), and most recently (about a month ago) slept over with her. However, things did not get intimate, and I did not want to bring up the issue in an effort to avoid that awkwardness. Note: a main reason why I am attracted to her is that she is very conservative and although we didn't get intimate, I definitely felt it was progress from both sides.

Two weeks ago, I went back to school for a big concert and she knew I would be in town, however, not a single call or text Fri or Sat. I gave her a call and we met up for a picnic Sun. Things were going smoothly until I dropped her off, and in a jokingly way said 'hey, you never called me the last few days'. She shrugged it off and said 'you know we are really good friends. You have your friends at home and I have mine at school'. We left things at that
and there have been one or two texts between us the last two weeks. I've tried to give her space by not calling her at all, especially since final exams are this week. But in the last few days, I feel like salt is being poured on my open heart wound - on her facebook, she's been flirting with a new guy non-stop whom she met through her best friend at school.

I have not said or mentioned a single word to her about this new guy, nor have I called her in almost two weeks. However, in the past five months, if there was a lull in the communication I would call her and things would be 'back to normal' and have escalated progressively each time. This is where my ambivalence sets in - I can't help to think that if I cut her off completely, then I would lose out on the opportunity. The only reason I am seriously contemplating contacting her is that I just don't want to look back and regret not doing enough at the time.

Perhaps in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that something 'great' would eventually develop out of this 'not so much friends, yet not gf/bf' relationship. However, it has become too taxing on my heart, with all the rollercoaster up and downs associated with it. I feel like I am perpetually trying to catch that prized fish, I know exactly where it is, keep dipping in the water, but only get nibs back. If I continue to try, will I eventually catch it?
I told myself I would never want to be the guy that would do all the chasing, and in order for a relationship to work, both sides would have to put in equal weight. In some aspects this hurts more than my first (and only) serious relationship post-break up. For my first relationship, the timing was right but the connection (looking back now) wasn't that great. Now, in my current situation, the connection is off the charts, but the timing is a little off. I am extremely attracted to her physically but can't see us being only friends.

I'm stuck in a rut now and I don't know which way to turn. The past year since my graduation has been a downward spiral. I had a great paying job with a career path set up, but was laid off due to the economy two months into 'the real world'. Returned back home and found another job, live at home, and give half my paycheck to my folks to help out with the mortgage because my father lost his job as well. The opportunities to meet women are bleak, since the demographics within the new company are middle-aged and with families.

So which way do I turn? Run for the hills and cut her off (something I don't think I am ready for yet), or continue to keep it casual (even though it burns like hell to find out about this new guy)? I am still (foolishly perhaps) holding onto the hope that when she gets back home for the summer, we would have more time together as she wouldn't be bogged down with schoolwork and the distance.

I sincerely appreciate any advice you guys have. Thanks for listening (and reading).

[relationship filter] Boyfriend is just not that into me... right?

libertypie — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 12:25:33 -0800

Started dating a guy I've known for years a couple months ago. Around the time we first met we slept together, but he shortly thereafter got back together with his long-time girlfriend. Fast-forward a couple years, they've broken up for good, and he says he still has feelings for me and wants to give things a real shot. We're both in our mid-twenties and very interested in sex, but aren't sleeping together. We have similar interests, but rarely talk about them. I love his friends who love me, and of late have been spending more time with them than him. He's under a great deal more job stress than I am, but whenever we do spend time together he's cold to me, physically and conversationally. On the surface we're perfectly compatible... is it hopeless to think that he'll warm to me when he's less stressed out? He's pretty stoic and I'm pretty emotional, so this might be doomed, but I don't want to give up on something that might work out from pure impatience.

Am I making this too complicated? Don't men typically not ask girls out in the first place if they're not that interested in getting to know them better or spend more time with them? Is there anything I can do to let him know that I'm getting sick of being neglected without putting him on the defensive?

Much ado about imaginary dogs

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:39:57 -0800

Am I wrong to think I should be present for the selection (and raising) of the dog I will eventually have to live with? To be fair, it's a little more complicated than it sounds... Very soon, I will be moving across the country with my awesome rocking boyfriend. We've never lived together, but he is moving for his work, and since I'm not bound to our current locale, now seems the time to transition to living together. About six months after we settle in, I have to go abroad for quite a while (9 months, probably). He'll visit me and all that jazz, although probably only once (I am going faaaar away. Sadness).

When he gets back from his visit to me, he wants to get a dog. What? He wants to get a dog without me?!? The bf wants to wait to buy the dog until he gets back from visiting me because he will be traveling extensively in the period beforehand, and a zillion stays in a kennel would expensive and not so good for a puppy.

Now, I've got no problems with dogs. I love dogs. I had actually encouraged him to get a dog so he'd have company when I was gone, back when I thought he would get one in the time directly after we moved. That way, we could choose the dog together and get to know it/train it together. Fun!

But when he mentioned this new plan the other night, we got into a bit of a disagreement. If he's not going to get the dog before I leave, then I think he should wait until I've returned to get the dog. He disagrees, and says he will be lonely without me, and that it's selfish of me to ask him to wait. I can kinda see his point. I don't want him to be lonely. BUT...

My reasoning, his rebuttals:

1) I say: the dog will be a member of our household. Should I not have a say in the dog I'm going to be living with? (His rebuttal: Do you not trust me enough to pick out a breed that will be acceptable to you? I wouldn't get a dog you'd dislike.)

2) I say: I have a feeling that I'm going to be the primary caretaker. After all, when I get back, I will be working at home, and he will be working away from home. Ergo, much of the dog care is going to fall on me. I feel, then, that I should have some say in what sort of dog he gets, because different breeds require different levels/intensities of interaction. (His rebuttal: he says at most I'd have to walk the dog once or twice a day, and he would not get a dog that would require more. Cool. But many of the breeds he has mentioned are very energetic sorts. When I pointed this out to him, he sort of sidestepped the issue.)

3) He says I have already picked out the breed of dog I will get (this is true), so why should I have a say in his breed? Okay, this seems like a legit complaint, except that 1) my bf, by virtue of his working outside the home, will not end up being the primary caretaker for my dog by default; 2) I am willing and eager to have my bf be involved in the choosing of the actual dog -- i.e., he will have a say in which of the puppies strikes him as most appealing in terms of temperament, appearance, etc.; 3) the breed I'm going to get is very small, not very energetic, not yippy/prone to annoying barking, and doesn't shed -- which may be irrelevant to this debate, but does mean that I and I alone will be capable of meet all the dog's needs (including paying for his grooming).

4) Selfish reason: I have to miss the puppy phase?!?!???!?!? INJUSTICE!

Now, I know the rule of the green; most questions about significant others are better settled by talking to the significant other about it. But I feel like I've lost perspective here, and I exited the convo feeling really confused about whether I was simply insane to even find this prospect troubling. As I said, dogs are inarguably awesome. But I remain uneasy. I mean, sharing a household means sharing important decisions, right? And entering into them together. (Not that I've never lived with someone before.)

Obviously this isn't a dilemma that *needs* to be resolved right now (we have six months till I go), but it's been troubling me. And as discussion spiraled into argument, he said, albeit jokingly, "What, do I not get to make any decisions or do anything fun anymore?" Hivemind, I am alarmed: Am I being controlling? Or mistrusting? Or do I have a point? Give it to me bluntly: I've got no stake here, other than to dispel my uneasiness and find a way to make this work for him and me, both.

How to deal with a racist boyfriend?

lblair — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:11:40 -0800

How do I deal with a racist boyfriend? How did you help someone overcome their racism, or did someone help you overcome yours? I have a boyfriend who I get along with and have a great time with, but one thing that absolutely drives me crazy is when the racism comes out. Usually it's when he's drunk and in front 'the guys.'

In general, I would simply not associate with people who I thought were racist, but he really is a good person aside from this, and I want to help him come around. (You know how it goes- the last person you ever thought you'd date ends up being one of the best people you've known, despite their flaws.) In any case, I disagree with an argument that I see a lot on this topic- that racism is a learned behavior. If you read (and agree with) evolutionary psychology, it suggests that racism IS innate and that, in fact, people have to learn NOT to be racist (by exposure to people from other races, and to other people who aren't racist.) I think this explanation makes a lot more sense. I'm not condoning racism, I am not racist- I recognize that I was lucky to be raised by liberal parents in a diverse community. But I do think it helps to explain why otherwise intelligent people, who just happened to be sheltered, can end up this way ( e.g. my boyfriend.) It also has made me a tiny bit more forgiving towards those who are racist. Not in the sense that I would put up with it long term, but in the sense that I would be more forgiving of the occasional slip up if he was genuinely trying to change.

In any case, based on this belief I do believe that it's possible for people who are racist to change- it seems that the younger you are, the easier this would be. He is 26 so I think it would be challenging, but possible. I've already tried a few tactics. I've tried to expose him to people of different races, tell him about my friends and people I know of different races. I've also made it a point to tell him this stuff isn't funny when he starts cracking jokes- but unfortunately, his other friends still laugh when he cracks them. So basically my question is this- if you have seen someone else go from being racist to not, how do you think it happened? If you were the one who overcame racism, how did you do it? I know he makes a pretty good effort to not say things like that around me, but I'd prefer it if he was able to reach a point where he wasn't saying (or thinking) them at all. Although I am willing to be patient now, in the long run it would be a dealbreaker (as in, I would break up with him if the racism did not cease.) I've said as much to him, unfortunately the couple times it's come up have been while we were drinking (while he was cracking the jokes,) so I'm not entirely sure whether he realizes I am serious.

I can also sort of tell that he is afraid of/ feels threatened by black men. Of course, I think it's ridiculous, but I know that when fear is involved, people become irrational. How do I deal with that? Thanks in advance, everyone.

Girlfriend wants me to get a shaggy hairstyle, should I?

jakubsnm — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:26:12 -0800

My other half really wants me to get the modern shag hair style like Brad Pitt's. I have long hair at the moment and I'm not too keen on the change... I think it's too feminine (pink is not the new black) and outdated. Am i being too stubborn?

Escaping an Addictive Relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 16:03:11 -0800

I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me and abused me. I KNOW he is no good and while I have tried to leave many times, I always find myself back with him (after sweet-talking and the like). Part of my problem (and I know this was wrong) is that I had an opportunity to snoop on him (innocent opportunity that later I started to do regularly) and learned that he was not who I thought he was...he had cheated on me just a few months into relationship, but because I found out via snooping I never could out and out tell him why I wanted to break up and we ended up back together...the cycle has continued.

I still, foolishly snoop around and find he has started up again with a new girl every 4-5 months or so, and usually they end within a few weeks of meeting him (he has a very harsh personality) so nothing has lasted very long. In my heart, I know I will never look at him as more than a liar and a cheat, but still I have stayed, over and over gain through the same pain. Yesterday, I learned he had started back up again with another girl and he lied to me once again when I round-about confronted him...I know I must sound pathetic...

I do want to leave, but I 1) feel guilty about snooping; 2) can't seem to stick with my decision to leave him and 3) have little emotional support from family or friends to help me through this (probably why #2 happens)...I thought an annonymous community might offer some ideas, tough talk, etc. to give me a push to do what I have to do? Thoughts? Ideas? Thank you.

Is it worth it to date someone under these circumstances?

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 09:19:11 -0800

Is it worth it to date someone under these (non-exclusive) circumstances? I am not very familiar with the concept of dating several people at one time.

I've started seeing someone with whom I had an immediate and undeniable connection. In fact, when we first met he was saying a lot of things about the future and even mentioned "marriage" several times (although in a joking manner). My initial impression of him is that he wanted a relationship that would be emotionally intimate.

When we first met I learned that he had just ended a serious relationship. Well, his ex recently visited from out of town and he told me that they slept together. I'm not really mad about this, as he was totally honest with me about it and had been clear all along that ours was not an exclusive relationship. The thing that bothers me is that I know that he was very happy her and that the only reason they aren't together is that she moved across the country. However, he said they had "tried to work things out but it's not going to happen."

He told me that he really likes me...in fact, that he's "crazy" about me but that he simply isn't ready for an exclusive/serious relationship since his last relationship ended so recently. I do believe that he is an honest, (not a "player" or a "liar") but my fear is that I'm being too naive to read between the lines and that perhaps he is saying that I'm "not the one" for him. Also, he's a bit younger than me (mid 20s) and I wonder if this contributes to his desire to avoid getting serious too quickly and that maybe he's just going to be in party mode for a while.

I think we could be very well suited for each other, but I'm not sure I like the "terms" of the relationship (i.e. "not serious until further notice."). However, I haven't known him that long (only a little over a month) and I know that a lot of people date longer than that before they agree to be exclusive. Also, I am allowed to date other people if I wish (but I would rather be exclusive with him).

I am a sensitive person. Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I date him under these circumstances? I don't mind going with the flow, but only if it seems like there might be a possibility that this could turn into something more serious.

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

Are my relationship expectations too unreasonable?

jrf — Sun, 18 May 2008 10:41:36 -0800

Are my relationship expectations too unreasonable? I'm 28 and I've had two girlfriends in my lifetime. The first relationship lasted three years and the second one lasted about a month -- it ended a couple days ago. After the ending of the most recent relationship, I've been trying to evaluate and document what typically creates a spark between myself and a woman, and I'm worried that I may be trying to hold out for an optimal situation that may never happen again.

I feel incredibly pretentious breaking it down into a list like this, but I don't really know any other way convey what I'm trying to get at, so here goes. I need someone who: is sweet and kind and somewhat bubbly, is capable of loving someone deeply, loves their family, is appreciative of a good sense of humor and laughs often, is intelligent, accepts and gives compliments equally well, likes to hold hands and give hugs and is very affectionate, and is cute (I'm not very picky when it comes to appearance, but I do need to be attracted to the person).

I don't think I'm going over the top with those criteria, but given that I don't really meet many women who are like this and go on dates with even fewer that end up throwing off sparks, I'm thinking it may be time to try to to open up to new characteristics in people. The thing is, I consider myself to be a good, decent, funny guy with a pure heart, and all I really want is someone who is similar.

I just feel very lost and very old right now, and it feels like I'm running out of time for some reason. It may sound sad, but it is part of my very being is to want to share love with someone like this. I guess what I'm really trying to ask is: Do many women exhibit these types of qualities? If so, where are they!? Detailed latitude/longitude coordinates would be much appreciated! ;)

Backup girlfriend/boyfriend ok?

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 10:48:18 -0800

Is it moral to have a backup girlfriend or boyfriend and telling that backup of your plan? A friend an I got in an argument over this and I was wondering if I was in the wrong. I said that if you are in a relationship, having a backup girlfriend or boyfriend was "maybe" ok if you don't tell anyone about it, but once you tell that backup of your plan you are being very wrong and causing a great disservice to your current girlfriend/boyfriend. Would it make a difference if the current relationship is one that is in a stage that both partners say "I love you" to each other?

Can I get over what happened in my boyfriend's past?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 00:38:06 -0800

My boyfriend dropped a bomb about his past. What do I do now? My boyfriend of two years recently admitted to me that when he was younger he used to look at child porn.

I have no idea what to do. I feel sick, ashamed, guilty at all of this not only because of his actions in the past but because part of me still wants to be with him and make it work.

I’m so conflicted and feel sickened at the idea of even entertaining working things through with him.

When he was aged 17 to 21 among his other ‘normal’ porn habits, he’d also check out pictures of girls (usually no actually activity involved) around the age of 10 and up. This went on for four years and was years before I met him. Following an existential crisis he came to his senses and withdrew completely from that aspect of pornography.

I asked him if he was attracted to girls of that age now and he says he’s disgusted by it and that even back then seeing girls of that age in the street meant nothing to him. They were not complete yet, as it were. He enjoyed the illicit rush of searching for the pictures but he doesn’t deny that he must have been somewhat attracted to them to continue looking at that kind of pornography for four years.

I’m the only person he’s ever admitted this to after I let him know that if he had ever had any kind of fetish that he was keeping from me that it was okay to tell me. I believed I could handle it but I guess I never thought it would be this.

He says he understands completely that I would want nothing to do with him but at the same time would be willing to do absolutely anything to show me somehow that he’s okay now and that that was just a shameful period in his life. We’ve already discussed counseling and therapy for him alone and for us together soon but I still don’t know what I want.

I love this man, he has been the most amazing, caring, sensitive guy in the world. He has his flaws like everyone else but he has supported me through my darkest days and we work so well on every level. We communicate all the time, we talk constantly and we’ve never kept anything from each other and this was something he was planning to die without ever mentioning to anyone else. Then I asked the question and he felt he was doing a disservice to me for telling the truth.

Am I crazy to even contemplate continuing my life with this man? He used to look at child porn for fuck’s sake! Is there anything worse? I don’t even know. He swears to me that he would never have or ever could have done anything in real life, it was the separation through the virtual world that continued his ignorance.

What should I do? Am I crazy for thinking that maybe we can work through this? If it was something that was still ongoing I would have left instantly but the situation seems different now. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Any advice would be appreaciated. If you’d wish to remain anonymous (and I’d understand why) please mail me at anon.is.crazy@gmail.com.

I also want to clarify something. For six months it was pictures of girls and the rest of the time it was Japanese manga stuff, lolicon? Which to me makes a bit of a difference as within lolicon there's no child being exploited or hurt. That doesn't change that for a period of time he was still looking at child porn, though. Apparently he found somthing attractive in how repulsive it was.

Thank-you

Help me help my boyfriend

odayoday — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 09:09:26 -0800

Help me help my boyfriend. My boyfriend is caring, supportive and great in all the ways that matter, but I think he's depressed, and it's gotten past the point where he's willing to talk about it. He's said several times that he feels there's no way out, and while he's had brief spells of depression in the past and has been able to pull himself out of them, I'm worried that this time it's too deep for him to do it alone. I've suggested counseling, but he says that he's tried it in the past and doesn't think that he'll find someone he trusts. I explained that it's a process which takes time, but will ultimately worthwhile, but he thinks that he should be able to handle this himself (a holdover from his father, who was a domineering workaholic. As a side note, he recently tried to mend his relationship with his dad, but was basically completely rejected, which I imagine is feeding into the depression as well). He was on prozac for about 5 years before we met, and now refuses to consider antidepressants because of the side effects, and also because, again, he feels like he should be able to deal with it himself. I've said that I don't think antidepressants are something to be taken lightly, but that sometimes when you can't find your way out, and don't have the strength to make the changes you want to, they can help you get to the point where you can do it. Also, we've been fighting a lot more, which makes me scared to keep bringing this stuff up, since he just shuts down or gets angry when I do. He says that he can work it out himself, but I'm really starting to think that that's not possible any more. For most of our relationship he's been nothing but wonderful, and I hate to see this happening to him. I'd really appreciate any advice about what I can say to him, whether I should push him to get help (which I'm afraid might alienate him) or whether I should just back off and let him work it out in his own time. Thanks in advance, and sorry about the length.

Can I get him back?

Anonymous — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 18:28:06 -0800

Very touchy situation with my ex almost but not quite boyfriend. Any and all insight appreciated. [I am asking this for my friend who is just joining metafilter and doesn't have asking priviledges yet. Thanks!]

At the beginning of this year, I met and started dating a wonderful awesome guy. Everything was peachy and good until I messed it all up.

After a few months of seeing eachother, he made the very reasonable request to be exclusive with eachother. And I, partially out of selfishness and partially because of old wounds, told him no but said we should keep on dating with a "we'll see." He literally cried when I told him that but agreed to keep seeing me.

About a month after that talk he decided to break up with me because of my failure to commit. As soon as I knew he meant business and was ready to leave me for good I saw the mistake I had made and threw myself at his feet and told him I would commit and be everything I should have been from the start.

No dice. He told me that the talk where I callously refused him had cut him deeper than anything on earth and his feelings for me had been dying ever since.

So we both walked.

It became apparent through several channels (mutual friends, his myspace profile) that he was immediately throwing himself headfirst straight into a relationship with another woman.

I resolved to just let it go until I got a text from him roughly seven days after the official "it's over" talk. He was chatty and we texted for an hour or so, and we ended up making plans to grab lunch together. (I suggested it and he agreed very enthusiastically) This lunch is coming up in the near future.

I'd still like to have him back if I can, and this gives me a glimmer of hope.

From a guys perspective, how likely is it you'd text your ex and agree to meet for lunch if you were supposedly all into some new woman?

How can I best feel him out and maximize my chances of winning him back?

I guess I would just like some advice and insights into this from all perspectives as much as possible. Am I reading too much into it?

How can I be a good boyfriend?

awesomebrad — Wed, 27 Dec 2006 14:58:29 -0800

How can I be a good boyfriend? Or girlfriend, for you ladies out there finding this question in search of advice.

I ask partly because I find myself in a new relationship and am inexperienced in such things, and partly because I'm curious to see what some of the answers are going to be.

I'm looking for everything from general advice for healthy relationships to anecdotes about that one thing your significant other did that you still remember as amazing even though you've broken up with them long ago. Really just the first thing that pops into your head.

Thanks everyone in advance - I hope you all have a little fun with this as well!

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 20:51:10 -0800

RelationshipFilter (sorry!): I've become entangled in a complex 'relationship', and I'm not sure what to do... Long story:

In September 2004, I arrive at university. A few days later I meet a very attractive girl who lives in my halls of residence. Over the next week or two we become very good friends and end up spending a lot of time together, watching TV, films, chatting about other friends of ours etc. I very quickly realised I had "feelings" for this girl, oh dear. Then one night I was probably being a bit too obvious and surprisingly she said "Just go ahead and kiss me." Frankly, I hadn't expected that, I considered her well out of my league and was happy at the time to just be a good mate of hers.

So, we fool around for a few nights, but don't tell any of our mutual friends... a few nights turns into a few weeks... still not telling friends. I slept in her room many times (if it's relevant, without sex), creeping out early in the morning to avoid my other friends. I begin to get attached, uh oh. Just before the first holiday she tells me she doesn't want a relationship and we should stop doing things. I feel kinda crushed. I tell her this and end up sleeping there again...

Holiday comes and she phones me all the time, texts and tells me how she misses me and we have long conversations about 'us' on the internet.

Rinse and repeat for 2 more terms.

2nd year of university, we get closer. I still sleep with her, none of my friends know (except one), including my housemates because of our ridiculous "secrecy" thing. We've become closer, she's said she loves me, we've both shared very important things with each other and to all intents and purposes we are a couple.

Yet.

The problem is, and I've told her often enough, that I'm fed up with the secrecy. I want to be able to walk around holding her hand, or kiss her in public (shock horror). Things she'll happily do when away from our friends and people who know us!

She states that she doesn't want a boyfriend and the "baggage" that goes with it. She wants people to see her as single and not part of a couple. Yet she still wants me to sleep in her bed and be there for her.

I'm being taken for a ride, right? I should probably get out of this situation, but again, problem. I don't want to. She's one of the best things in my life, I love her to bits, and yet there's this issue sitting there driving me mad.

Opinions? Constructive suggestions about talking to her might be useful.

Thanks. (oh, and for the record, we're both around 21)