Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with relationships and advice

Help! Need advice for giving friend advice!!

Hydrofiend — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 16:24:00 -0800

How do I tell my friend the truth in a way that she can hear it, then take what she can from it and do what feels right to her? One of my closest and dearest friends believes me to be insightful and intuitive. I believe the same of her. She's been dating someone who she hoped I would meet and give her my "take" on because she feels I will not only be honest but be correct in my assessment. I met him this weekend. I LOVE her, she is my dog, my ace, my girl, the person I can tell all kinds of crazy shit to without judgement (I am very lucky to have her as a friend.) Love for the dude, not so much. Well, not that I don't like him...here's the story, backwards. My first impression is he's nice...to her. He is very attentive, stares at her with stars in his eyes and clearly wants to be a husband and daddy. It's obvious he wants to fill her every desire or need. To me, he's trying way too hard and that it might come from a place of desperation. Spending time with him, I feel he thinks she will save him in some way. From his demons or fear of being alone....I don't know. My issue is that I'm not sure whether his desire has anything to do with my friend as a person or if that's his goal and he's gonna get it however he can. I know she has the same concern but it's difficult to turn down someone who wants to wash your dishes and make love to you until the cows come home even though you are not sure whether you want that with them in the long run.
The thing is, my friend deserves to have someone look at her with stars in his eyes. She deserves someone who wants to make babies with her. She deserves all that she desires but.....homeboy seems a little off to me. He seems to have a fantasy in his head about whatever it is he thinks a relationship should be and, to me, that's not fair to my friend. She is fantastic sans fantasy and deserves someone who sees that. I get that we all have an idea of what it is we think we want when we think about loving someone for the rest of our lives but shouldn't that be based on the actual person whom we are thinking of spending the rest of our lives with? ("Starry Eyes" has expressed his love for her, his desire to live with and make a life with her....all good things if both people feel the same way. Not to mention they've known each other for about 6 months. The 1st few wrought with some drama, see below.)

OK, some of the messiness:

Their shit:
-My friend got out of a 2.5 year relationship shortly after meeting "Starry Eyes". (like literally a few weeks. She wasn't looking but apparently he was and he persued her consistently)

-She still has unresolved feelings for her ex and has made that clear to "Starry Eyes". She's been working through it but for the past months also beginning a relationship with "Starry Eyes".

-"Starry Eyes" was engaged in an open relationship when persuing my friend. (but apparently "open" meant just fucking, not falling in love)

-When he got caught with my friend by his fiance, he ended his engagement-the confrontation ended it, went into therapy and moved out. (He has subsequently made other decisions for My friend, complying to her wants and desires. Good on a whole but troublesome in that he didn't make these choices on his own , prior to meeting her)

-My friend has been honest with him about where she's at in terms of being in a relationship. He has told her he will wait.

My Shit:
-I'm fresh out of a stream of jacked up relationships, some involving infidelity on both ends. I'm pretty sensitive about the subject and can smell shenanigans a mile away now that I recognize the hows and whys to relationships involving such behavior.

-I'm a little jaded right now and not really feeling like I know jack shit about how to make a healthy relationship happen (in therapy thank you very much.)

-I've been in situations similar and have since realized that although shit like this happens, is bound to happen in your late 30's, it doesn't mean that you HAVE to build a relationship based on such shit. And, if you do choose to, all parties need to be clear and communicative.

My friend wants my input and advice. She asked me what I thought when "Starry Eyes"wasn't around and I told her not to ask just yet. She knows me and I know her-well. It's gonna be a long conversation. She's been grappling with her thoughts about this relationship for a while now. I love her and want to be honest with her but am trying to figure out the best way to say what I mean given my own issues right now. I know life can be grey and messy. Things are not always clear-cut and tied with a pretty bow. But I am still working through my own shit to discover what that all means to me.

I tend to romanticize in general but am in a real realist mood. How can I communicate to her what I sense about "Starry Eyes" yet express to her that it is clouded by my own sense of romantic relationships right now? Who knows, they may make it through and decide to move on in relationship. I just don't want my input to make her make a decision that might not be right for her but I also want her to pick up what I'm putting down. Oy! Help!!!

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Too horny. Can't think. Need sex.

Anonymous — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 11:34:22 -0800

I'm a mid-20s British male and I haven't had sex for about three years. Manual Overides are barely taking the edge off these days and the horniess is getting so bad I can't think clearly. Help me get laid. Complications inside. Since the end of my last long-term relationship I haven't had sex, kissed a girl, or been on a date. I was pretty good at being a boyfriend, living together, and all that stuff, and I hope to do it again someday but I'm way out of practice right now. I recognise that there are underlying issues with the three year gap (social isolation, self confidence, and so on) but what I'm asking for today is some help in figuring out a way to get laid so that I can actually think straight, instead of just sitting here feeling my pulse throb and my mind swim with thought-blocking sex chemicals.

I'm hoping mefi can help me think outside the box (and therefore get back inside the box, hee hee), but I realise this is probably a stupid question - sorry. Also, I understand that I'm coming at this backwards and that solving some of my other problems would probably indirectly resolve this one, but just give a pass on that one for now please - I'm working on them.

Anyway, here are the options as far as I can see followed by the issues I have with them. Maybe I'm missing something (please Jesus, let it be so).

---
Option #1 - Get a girlfriend:
A. Living with parents.
B. Broke.
C. Have a hairy back (like, chimp hairy). And I'm a bit overweight too.
D. Socially isolated, lacking confidence, that sort of thing.
E. Not honestly sure I want a full-on girlfriend right now because of A, B and D.

---
Option #2 - Go to a bar/club and pick up a girl:
A. Don't like pick-up bar/club environment. Not really sure what to do there, how to do it, or who to. Feel like a Martian in those places.
B. Not sure how dancing works.
C. Worried about catching a disease.
D. Worried that after such a long drought my performance won't be up to satisfying a girl who picks guys up in bars.
E. Don't understand the etiquette of one-nighters.
F. Don't have a place I could take her to anyway.
G. Terrified.

---
Option #3 - Go internet dating:
A. See Option #1 above.
B. Don't want to put a picture of my face on a profile - someone I know might spot me.
C. Not really sure how the whole thing works.
D. See Option #2 above.
E. Terrified.

---
Option #4 - Use a prostitute:
A. No idea how.
B. Morally confusing.
C. Don't want to catch a disease.
D. Budgetary limitations probably place me in the 'crack whore' market segment.
E. Terrified.
F. Not really into breaking the law. Scared of bad guys and the police.

Okay, so those are the options that I've worked out, none of which seem realistic for me right now. For your info I'm overweight (but quite tall with it), not pretty but (I hope) not ugly either, a 'nice guy', big, bald and perhaps a bit unapproachable, and have some not-crippling but not-insignificant self-esteem issues (as I'm sure you've figured out). I look older than I am too. I keep hoping I'll have some serendipitous magical dreamgirl encounter like in Garden State, Lost In Translation (though, less chaste), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Me and You and Everyone We Know and movies like that, but I'm getting tired of making eyes at pretty bookshop sales assistants.

Disposable email at: M8R-758isl@mailinator.com

Finally, if this looks pretty well organised for someone who claims he can't think - I jerked off earlier (sorry), and this took me about two hours to write.

Should I acknowledge ex's wedding?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:28:50 -0800

I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend of 3 years is engaged and getting married in less than 2 months. Should I acknowledge it? My ex-girlfriend ("Mary") and I dated exclusively for over 3 years while in college. While we dated, we were very close, and we even lived together for a good portion of that time. We broke up amicably and mutually in 2005 and although it was on friendly terms, we haven't really stayed in touch beyond a couple of emails and calls since then. I am fairly sure that if I emailed her today and said hello, she'd be likely to respond (I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend).

Following our break up, she finished school, relocated to another part of the state (300+ miles away), and found work and a place to live near her extended family. I stayed here.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months. My friend is a friend of hers on Facebook. I am not on Mary's friends list and she is not on mine on Facebook (it has always been this way). Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date. While I always knew that this day would eventually come, I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard. I am genuinely, sincerely happy for her, though, and I really wish nothing but the best for her.

I have no expectations of receiving a wedding invitation, nor has she contacted me directly with the news. According to my friend, she openly and regularly posts about wedding preparations on her Facebook page.

My question is this: Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news? It feels odd to me not to acknowledge it somehow, and I really feel like I should, but at the same time I feel like if she wanted me to know, she would have told me directly. So I'm torn about what to do. So, I'm coming to you! I'd really appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you.

Throwaway email for questions/follow-ups: exgfmarriage@hotmail.com

What's the key to getting involved with as many interesting projects and meeting as many interesting people as possible?

coffeecold — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 13:10:08 -0800

What's the key to getting involved with as many interesting projects and meeting as many interesting people as possible? I'm 23, in New York City, and I feel like I have the potential and enthusiasm to accomplish a lot of great things in my life. I really want to connect with as many people as possible, get involved with creative and fulfilling projects, and have stories to tell and no regrets when I look back.

Right now I'm an average guy with an average social life who works a regular 9-6 job. I would love to make the next couple years a crazy social experiment where I throw myself out there and experience the world. I want to be able to craft and polish my people skills to higher levels, learn about different activities or hobbies so I can find out what I feel passionate about professionally and creatively, and build a good base of inspiring people to be around.

The question is how to go about doing that. One problem is my interests are as broad and vague as the above goals. I love tons of things out there but don't really specialize in any one area..I want to learn more about music, filmmaking, art, cooking, dance, business, fashion, technology, sports, etc etc but because of there being so many choices I don't know where to start. I guess the underlying theme is I want to be learn more about other people and improve myself.

So knowing all of that, what types of events, activities or clubs should be I attending and for the NYC people especially, what specific resources (e.g. meetup.com) should I use to find out where people will be and where I could learn? Since there are so many events and sites out there, how do I filter out the bad from the good besides trial and error? How can I use things like dating sites, blogs and twitter to my advantage? The last thing I want to do is look back years from now and wish I had met more people, taken more risks, and had more experiences. Would appreciate any advice, general or specific.

How do I overcome my fear of disapproval?

richar4 — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:34:15 -0800

I'd like advice on how to overcome my fear of disapproval from others. It manifests itself as lack of confidence/assertiveness, self-consciousness, anxiety and fear of not being good enough. Looking for all kinds of techniques, suggestions. I'm 32, emotionally and reasonably socially aware, if not necessarily emotionally/socially intelligent. I have a small group of friends. I have a lot of fear and anxiety around the issue of being 'good enough'.

Some symptoms of this are: I feel self-conscious walking down the street, sometimes even when driving(I know!). It feels almost impossible to get a 2nd/3rd date - mainly due to the confidence aspects I suspect. Emotions are contagious and I really need to crack this, and become better balanced. I need to stop betting the world on and being so emotionally effected by small interactions whether its a date, interview, ordering food from a takeaway, whatever..

I'm looking at some form of talking-therapy although finances are a bit of an issue there as I'm hoping to implement a career change, pay course fees and so on. Any kind of suggestions no matter how small are welcomed. Thank you.

Moving in with an S.O. - General advice

soleiluna — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 11:36:03 -0800

Moving in with your significant other: Please tell me your stories and general advice. Good, bad, things you wish you'd talked about ahead of time, things you'd do differently. How long had you been together? Do you wish you'd moved in sooner, or later, or not at all? What can one do to make things go smoothly? What changes should I expect? My S.O. and i are making the leap to move in together in the very near future, so I'd love any general advice and wisdom about how things worked or didn't work for y'all.

I'd like to hear as general advice as possible, but here's our particular story:

I'm in my mid-twenties, and he's in his early 30s, and we've been together for 8 months. Neither of us have lived with an S.O., but we've essentially been staying at one another's apartments every night for much of our relationship. Both of us have had a half dozen different long-term committed relationships in the past.

He brought up moving in together about 2 months ago, and my current living situation (pest problem & unresponsive roommates/landlord) makes me want to move ASAP. He's looking for a better commute and a more financially sustainable rent. We love each other and both feel like it's the right step. Also, we currently live on opposite sides of the city and the commute/transit time has been a time/energy suck day-to-day.

We found the ideal apartment much quicker than expected, so it feels like it's happening pretty fast. I really haven't had many moments of doubt or fear about this - I love him and it feels like the right choice. But I'm worried that I'm NOT more nervous or questioning of it?

We've talked through a lot of my concerns about moving in, and we're on the same page about the relationship side of things - both acknowledging this is a deeper commitment, but unsure what we want in life marriage/familywise. In two years we both hit a point in our careers where we'll have to make changes, and choose if we want move to a different city together.

$$ and other things: We agreed to split the rent equitably according to our minor income difference, and have come up with a "what-happens-if-we-break-up" apartment plan. Neither of us are really homebodies, but he's in academia and hence does work outside of 9-5 often. Our levels of messiness-tolerance are comparable. He has a cat, and cat likes me.

So - that's that. What's your experience been like, and what advice would you give to a person diving into this for the first time?

Should I stay or go?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:17:21 -0800

Follow-up to this. So I finally managed to break things off with the one in my class. I had some talks with some other people also and realized that it wasn't good for me, and I was essentially being used. Right now we don't speak at all, which is perfectly fine for me, and I spend my time interacting with everyone else. As for my ex-girlfriend, I did end it with her while I was on vacation, although we still speak online often. This is really what this question is about. We were together for 3 years, and although I initiated the break-up, I am finding being on my own very difficult. She asked me many times for us to try and work things out, but I kept saying that it is healthier for us both to not be together. We haven't been happy since last year October, but had many problems before that, both because of me, and because of her.

Since we broke up, she has had the support of her friends, goes out a lot, does a lot of socializing (we're not in the same country), while I have been here studying, where I have very few friends, and just my brother. She has also begun to start talking (online) quite often with a new guy, and even likes him somewhat she has told me. The guy I know although I don't talk to him often, because we went to high school together.

She says that she is very hurt, and is trying to move on, and that talking to me so much is hurtful towards her, and she can't get back together with me because she can't do the whole separating thing again, it was too difficult.

I broke up with her because I just felt that I could be happier with someone else, and felt it wouldn't be fair to just stay with her until that someone else came along. I also didn't want to feel accountable to someone else for my actions. Additionally, it would be at least a year before we would be able to live together, and it's very hard only seeing the person you love every few months. We also drove each other so nuts sometimes, plus there is absolutely no trust between us. However, I still find myself missing her very very badly, to the point that I can't concentrate on anything.

She also says that she loves me and misses me, and is just trying to move on. What should I do? Am I just feeling this way because some sick part of me wanted her to continue being after me all the time, and now that she is trying to move on it is just making me jealous? Should I disregard my feelings of no accountability, and "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude, and try to get back together with her and mend things? We used to get along perfectly, although that was over a year ago. There are many things about her I love, so many, but there are also many things I don't. But wouldn't I have to compromise any way, and not ever find the perfect person?

I am going home in just over a week and she will still be there. What should I do?

A newsletter by any other name induces cringing...

Unicorn on the cob — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 07:51:05 -0800

I am working on branding a newsletter that will offer love advice, statistics, and bites of information related to dating in general, online dating and relationships. What's a clever (but not cringeworthy) name for it? Other options for the content include links to a featured dater, new books (previous examples include The Mystery Method and What Shamu Taught Me...), services (such as a professional profile rewriting service) and polls. So far, all I've got is "Love Bites". This brought out the response "uh, as in A HICKEY?" from one friend.

Bonus if the title/concept contains the word "happen". Thank you in advance for any wisdom you can impart!

Post-Breakup Friendship Battles

FuManchu — Sun, 03 Dec 2006 06:23:07 -0800

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me. We're stuck in the same small clique for a while. How do I manage to still see all of our mutual friends? Do I just give up on seeing "her" friends? My ex and I are both in our mid-twenties and were together on-again off-again for four years, though we always kept in touch even in the "off" periods. It's completely over at this point, though: two months ago she had a thunderbolt experience and fell in love with someone else while abroad, decided to cut off all contact with me to pursue that, and break up with me a week after the fact. She's continuing that relationship. However, she's returned, and we're living in the same city for at least another six months.

We're in a foreign city, and most of our friends are mutual, and are part of the same small clique. I came to the city 8 months after she did, have been working 14 hour days, and spent every minute of free time I had around her; needless to say, I have almost zero friends who didn't meet her first. I've also been quite depressed, which made it difficult to make good friends of my own.

The ex and I have been in touch a few times since her return, and we were civil when in public together. However, even seeing me in public is too difficult for her, so we're stopping that for a while.

And I now feel like she's now competing for our friends' time, while I've been more laissez-faire. I don't really know how to compete for "friend-time", and would probably lose to her in a direct head-on "friend-time" fight. I recognize that everyone knows her and likes her better than me.

Examples:

She organized a giant Thanksgiving dinner at her place, which all of our friends went to, and didn't tell me about it. I learned about it from friends (one who told me they were surprised I wasn't invited). I could understand not being included, but it was still a very painful experience. I asked her to discuss the friend situation after this, but she became angry and said there's nothing to discuss. We're no longer speaking.

I organized a post-dinner event this weekend, hoping to see some of the friends I'd only been in touch with over email lately, and informed her of it. She then organized a dinner event with a number of those invited, who told me they wouldn't be able to make it to mine.

So what do I do? How do I make sure that I can still see those friends? Should I figure out who are "her" friends, and not expect to see them? Do I have to discuss the options with each friend?

This is all very confusing, as I've never had a breakup with mutual friends, let alone one in such close quarters. I'd be happy if anyone shared similar experiences, as well.

[Also, I've not bitched about her to our friends, or asked them to be conduits of information. I don't want to be "that guy" who only talks about his ex. This has actually been incredibly difficult for me, as I've had no one to support me here. AskMe archives have provided a plethora of sympathy and advice, though! And I can complain about her as much as I want!]

What is an original format for a sex/relationships advice column?

stokast — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 12:42:45 -0800

What is an original format for a sex/relationships advice column? We're familiar with the Savage Love and Go Ask Alice-style of advice column, but we're looking to write a weekly newspaper column in a little bit of a different format.

Trouble is, we have no idea what that format is exactly.

Maybe a dialogue? Advice from a variety of voices? Literary advice? Bad advice? An advice comic?

Help!

How to date two women at once?

callmejay — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 19:35:47 -0800

How do I date more than one person at a time? So, I'm doing the online dating thing. And what's normal and what's convenient seems to be talking with several people at once and setting up dates with more than one person in a given time period.

So, several women at a time? Lots of dates? Sounds good, right?

But I'm not sure my brain works that way. It just seems weird to go on a date with someone and know that I have another one scheduled the next day or week. And then even after a good first date, it seems to be expected that you doesn't necessarily stop setting up other first dates until you mutually decide to become exclusive.

So an easy solution is to just date one at a time, duh. But I was wondering if the MeFi studs and studettes had some advice for how to deal with the multi-dating situation.

For the record, I'm most interested in a monogamous relationship with potential for marriage sometime (probably a couple of years) down the line. One night stands aren't out of the question, but they're not a priority, either. And I certainly wouldn't mislead someone to have one.

Can my female friend become less emotionally sensitive? Can I help?

woot — Sat, 27 May 2006 14:07:22 -0800

My best female friend is very emotionally sensitive-- to the point where we can't mention a specific ex-boyfriend from three years ago in her presence. I and her other close friends are starting to think she can't control her responses about this, and that it's starting to impact how honest we can be with her. What can we do? My wonderful female friend freely admits that she is deeply emotional. This makes her a great, supportive friend, but this same quality sends her over the deep end when she gets hurt by guys. This isn't a daily occurrence by any means -- she isn't mentally ill, and she is very intelligent, attractive, and "normal" (whatever that means). But there is a specific situation that's been going on for a while now, and I am concerned that it's starting to impact our friendship.

Almost three years ago she dated a guy for about five months. He's very charismatic and attractive, but also profoundly self-centered. He didn't want to date her "publicly" so their relationship was pretty much just sex and "standing near each other" at parties. Such was their chemistry, though, that my friend recognized his selfishness and yet couldn't bring herself to protect herself from it. They broke up (his idea) and within two weeks he was dating another woman. (He didn't flaunt it-- my friend managed to find out.) My friend lost it and went through several weeks of crying, stalking, endless rehashing, all the things that people do when they're deeply hurt. (Let's leave alone for a moment the possibility that it's his right to date someone else once they've broken up-- that didn't enter into her thinking at all.)

The problem is that her level of hurt from this hasn't diminished. It's been three years, and I and all her other friends are afraid to talk about him to her because her reaction to hearing about him is extremely unpredictable. There are times when she seems OK with the situation-- she actually took the news of his marriage (to the same woman he started dating) fairly calmly, saying that she'd prepared herself for it. I thought this was a sign that she'd crossed over into acceptance. A few weeks after that I mentioned that it's possible that the guy will start working as a consultant for the company I work for. (I would have the ability to stop this if I chose.) When I told her this, she started crying.

I was stunned, and tried as gently as I could to find out why she was upset. Her explanation was twofold: first, she feels an uncontrollable physical response to hearing about him-- she flushes, her heart pounds, she feels lightheaded. She says she cannot control this response. Second, she believes that he is a bad person (untrustworthy being the core of it) and she expected all her friends to know this as well. She couldn't believe that I was even entertaining the idea of working with him at all, and she said that this indicated to her that I don't understand her. She didn't go so far as to say "If you were really my friend, you would have nothing to do with him ever", but I definitely felt that that was the message.

I and her other friends (we have talked about this a lot) are puzzled by this. My take is that she and this guy dated three years ago, for a few months, and he has done his best to stay away from her without being rude to her. (She got mad at him whether he ignored her or not.) He didn't cheat on her (even she doesn't think so), and I'm not sure that he's untrustworthy (despite the aforementioned self-absorption). Frankly, I and our other mutual friends kinda think he's an OK guy who did his best not to hurt her, and that there is nothing he can do that will ever be right or appropriate in our friend's eyes, ever.

But perhaps the scariest thing for me is the "if you were really my friend..." implications. My company needs this guy as a consultant-- it would help me professionally. I feel like if I do work with him, I will face the inevitable day when my friend will find out and tell me I have betrayed her. I think that would pretty much be it for our friendship.

For now, we all just lie to her, not talking about him when we run into him. This feels to me like we are all treating her as if she is less than human.

My question for you MeFites:

1) Is it possible for her to change herself to be less reactive to emotional distress like this? (Is there any kind of yardstick for when you're supposed to recover from emotional hurt?)
2) If it's possible, can we, her friends who love her, say or do anything to help her make those changes?
3) If she can't ever change, how do we talk about the things that distress her? Do we have to keep lying by omission? Isn't that wrong?
4) Do I have to make the choice between my professional welfare and my friendship with her? Should I tell her that I feel like I have to make that choice?

Thanks for any advice. This has been a tough one for me.

What do I do about my food-addicted boyfriend?

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Dec 2005 20:55:00 -0800

My boyfriend of three years has an eating disorder. It's getting worse, and I need help (advice, emotional support, AskMeFi words of wisdom). About a year and a half ago, he broke down and told me all about it. How he is a compulsive overeater, how when our relationship went through a long-distance period and I was living a few hundred miles away he would go to three different restaurants for three different meals before going out to eat with friends, or he'd get a few frozen pizzas and eat them all at home, all the while lying and telling me he had "a burrito" or something normal for dinner. We had a long heart to heart about it at that point, and I expressed how hurt and upset I was that he had been lying to me, but I would try to be supportive and understanding, with the caveat that he never keep things from me again. I promised not to judge him, in exchange for his promise that he would be open with me about it and work on it.

Since then we've moved in together and been living together for over a year. He started going to Weight Watchers meetings earlier this year and lost over 50 pounds. He took a little bit of a slide when he lost his job a month ago and stopped going to the meetings for a few weeks and gained a few pounds back, but it didn't seem like a huge deal.

Last night I stumbled on his bank statement, accidentally thinking it was mine (we have the same bank). When I saw three consecutive McDonald's charges, I got curious. I'm vegetarian, and was vegan when we began dating. I made it clear from the get go that I have no interest in dating someone who eats meat, and we don't live a "fast food" lifestyle. I don't eat fast food, and I despise it. His whole bank statement was full of charges at KFC, Carl's Jr., JITB, McDonalds. Keep in mind, this is a guy who couldn't afford to pay his bills this month, has maxed out credit cards, and sold some of his guitar equipment to take me out for my birthday last month. There are hundreds of dollars in fast food charges on his statement.

Of course I freaked out. I freaked out a lot, I yelled, screamed, sobbed, called my best friend, and took a bath. Luckily he wasn't home at the time and I had a chance to get my wits about me before sitting down to a calm, rational talk. He agreed to go to therapy weekly (he was previously really resistant), agreed to go back to Weight Watchers and stick with it, and we worked out a few others things that may help. At this point, I'm just taking a "wait and see" kind of stance. What I really need is advice from people who've dealt with this, mental health professionals, words of wisdom that can help me get over the hurt and frustration of being lied to. Is it possible for someone who's been doing this to themselves and lying about it for the last 15 years to beat an eating disorder? What can I do to help myself, other than seeing a therapist?

Constant grass-is-always-greener syndrome

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Jul 2005 12:59:39 -0800

I contantly suffer from the-grass-is-always-greener syndrome. When I'm single, I crave being in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I crave being single. I'm afraid that it's going to screw up my current, excellent relationship ... I'm living with the girl of my dreams. We have no serious problems other than that I often have a nagging desire to be on my own. It's the same nagging desire that's led me to end every good relationship that I've ever been in. The logical side of me feels good: I'm in a great relationship, I want to make it last, I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with this girl. Then there's the other side of me (which I desperately want to supress) that wants to be alone. However, I am having trouble making any decision becuase I know that as soon as I am alone I'm going to want her back.

It sounds like it should be cut-and-dry, I know, but I really feel like this has been a constant problem throughout most of my life.

What, if anything, can I do to just be satisfied with what I have and not always crave something else? Does anyone else relate to me?

Second date advice sought

Alex Handcoding — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 14:08:12 -0800

I've gone out with this girl on one date which went “ok”. And, at the time, I figured on going out with her at least once more since first dates can often be unrepresentative of other dates. [MI] Due to conflicting schedules, it's now been three weeks from our first date,. And, we've called each other about once a week since then but mostly for the sake of checking our respective schedules for a second date. (“Are you free this weekend?” “No?” “Well, let's try for next weekend, then.”)

Over the course of these phone calls, I've realized that we're not a good fit for each other and I'd like to make the breakup as painless as possible for her. Normally, if I came to this conclusion after a first date, I would just call her and end it over the phone. However, in this case, we've had several phone calls under the assumption that we'd have a second date. And, I wouldn't want to end it over the phone only to have her think that I was leading her along all this time (as it was only after our most recent call that I made up my mind).

I suppose that another option to breaking up over the phone would be to go on a second date with her and then tell her at the end of the date (this would also have the benefit of allowing me to tell her in person). However, that scenario seems a bit dishonest to me since I would be going on the date under false pretenses. Complicating things further, if we went on a second date, it would likely involve a New Year's Eve party with her friends or my friends. (I say “complicating” since New Year's Eve is often a memorable time and I wouldn't want to ruin the evening for her.)

Any suggestions on how to proceed? I could call her and end it, which would save her from an unpleasant conclusion to New Year's Eve. Or, I could go out with her and tell her at the end of the date, which would allow me to tell her in person.

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty?

the fire you left me — Sun, 29 Aug 2004 12:42:06 -0800

Can someone's standing be vitiated by honesty? For example, telling someone they are fat and need to lose weight? For a brief time I gained weight. One day I realized what had happened and through excercise and dietary changes lost it all, and now look normal again. Yet, through the entire one year period, no one came up to me and said, "you've gained a lot of weight." Is it so hurtful to present an honest view to another person?