Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with rejection

How should I act toward a female friend after she rejected my romantic advance?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 11:30:27 -0800

I'm ashamed to say that, even though I'm in my mid 20s, I'm still very inexperience at this relationship thing. Recently I just met this amazing girl who I really like. Unfortunately, after trying for couple months thing didn't worked out. She rejected my advance citing I'm not acting the way she thought I should, and she found another guy she really like. Now what? So far what I had done is try to be friend with her. We still go out for dinner and etc. At this point I'm not romantically interested in her anymore because I realized we are not compatible and I don't want to go crazy thinking about her everyday. Today she mentioned to me that I changed into another person. I'm not the same as when I'm still pursuing her. I would reject her invitation to road trips and "not as nice" to her as before . She doesn't like it. I'm not too happy to hear that because I don't feel I changed into another person just because she's no longer my romantic interest. I'm still trying very hard to just be her "friend" instead of the guy who is infatuated with her. What should I do now?

How can I resist the temptation to despair?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:45:30 -0800

How can I resist the temptation to despair as I get older and still find myself unable to break consistent patterns of frustration in my work and personal life? (long) I am 39 years old and have just had the first successful year of my life in terms of career. After struggling for nearly two decades in boring, low-level jobs that didn't pay enough to enable me to move out of the family home, I entered a new field and did a hell of a lot of work with a hell of a lot of objective and measurable output to show for it. I had excellent feedback all year, mostly from my boss, but also from others.

Better still, I had enough pay and financial benefits to support myself into the future and, a couple of weeks ago, I finally paid off the debts I ran up over the two preceding years when I spent more time looking for work than I did actually working (and during which the cost of going to work was only slightly less than I earned).

I was looking forward to building on my successful year career-wise, and storing up some savings. I thought that finally I would be able to afford to go out once a week and maybe, with any luck, eventually meet someone special.

The only problem (as far as I knew) was that the job was very draining and exhausting, largely because of my boss's management style. She does things at the last minute and characteristically leaves us working towards externally imposed hard deadlines (i.e. the team won't get paid if they're not met) with insufficient time to meet them. She is always unresponsive to appeals for better time management and on one occasion I worked myself into exhaustion, such that I passed out and hit my head.

Over the last couple of months I became weepy and had to stay home sick a couple of days because of uncontrollable crying. I also couldn't force myself to work as fast as usual and had to work longer hours to compensate, meaning I got less and less sleep. I attributed this to the feelings stirred up by a colleague who had just moved on to a new job, but not before toying with my emotions quite severely while simultaneously making it clear that he was unavailable. This led to my thinking about what I still longed for in life that I couldn't have.

Not only this, but it was especially painful because I'd had no inkling that he was attracted to me and mutual attraction is something that has never happened before in my entire life. Yes, you read that right - not ever. I'm attracted to very very few people, and that, combined with geographical isolation (for economic reasons) and my ASD has basically meant a lifetime of utter singleness. There are men I could have dated, but they always seemed to me to have something glaringly undesirable about them. I often thought that perhaps I should have forced myself to go out with them even though I wasn't interested in them, but my instincts invariably turned out to be right. So I guess I'm glad I trusted my instincts but still... no relationships for me. (And I'm sure plenty of people will suggest that the unavailability is the attraction, but I have considered that and I'm pretty sure it's not true.)

Anyway, because I wasn't getting any sleep or any exercise and I never knew when I might be called upon to work myself into exhaustion again, my blood pressure went up. I was given 3 months to get it down again or be taken off some medications I rely on to function every day. So I had to tell my boss I needed to exercise every day and get 7 hours' sleep a night.

Unfortunately the moment I had to tell her was immediately after she yelled at me for booking a flight that landed the night before a conference, instead of travelling for a night and a day to get there an hour before the conference, with of course a full day's work on either side. She *said* she was okay with what I needed to do... what else would she say?

Meanwhile I had to accept that my weepiness wasn't going away and I entered treatment for depression and began to improve.

Although I knew my contract could come to an end at any time, my boss always downplayed this possibility and the feedback I got from others was always that she viewed me as someone who would be around for a long time. Besides, I had just interviewed two new recruits. So it came as a big surprise when I went in for my regular weekly meeting, and after talking over "you need to debug this, enhance that, and update the other," I then got, "and by the way I have to give you notice that your contract won't be renewed."

Still I was assured that it was nothing personal, and coworkers reassured me that I was bound to get a glowing reference and that I'd have known it if anything were wrong with the quality of my work.

A couple of days later it was appraisal time. I was shocked by how negative her review was. On the one hand I had glowing emails of appreciation that I got for completing certain projects, and on the other hand, I had low scores and negative remarks for those exact same projects in the appraisal. I got disparagement for doing things that I had on record that she explicitly ordered me to do. I checked my output against the expected norms for someone at my level, over against her criticism that I should have done more. I also contacted ex-coworkers for a reality check. Having gathered the evidence I put my case that her appraisal was inconsistent with both her feedback and my actual achievements, and that if my performance had indeed been as bad as she had presented it, I should reasonably have expected to hear about it a lot sooner. I reviewed my comments for diplomacy with a third party, and hoped for the best.

Her response was a 2-hour blast of negativity with no constructive content at all (honestly - none), accompanied by demands that I delete my comments, accept hers, and sign the document. (And that I was being mean to her.) Finally she agreed that our differing opinions would be recorded.

I felt drained, but glad I had stuck to my guns. So I go in the next morning for my regular weekly meeting, have a brief task review, and then end up trapped in her office for the better part of an hour while she demands that I retract my comments and sign hers and tells me, again, all the reasons why I deserve a bad review. And that I'm being mean to her. And lying. And that I'm just not able to take constructive criticism. And that I should stop wasting time and sign it right now. She wouldn't let me leave.

I still refused to sign it, and I eventually hit on the right combination of words to get me out of her office. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning, then I collected my things and ran home.

When I dared to look in my inbox the next day I found a conciliatory message saying she was sorry the appraisal had been upsetting "for us both". I reviewed her comments and found them acceptable, and agreed to sign off.

I worked from home that day but, when I got in the next morning, the anxiety got too much and I had to go home. I tried to keep working but I got so weepy I had to call the doctor, who signed me off sick until Monday.

So... that was a long story. I'll go in on Monday and do everything possible to keep my cool. I've taken advice and am fully aware of what my rights are. I'll be trying to get home early enough to apply for at least one job per day, as horrified as I am to have to go through all that again. I have ex-coworkers who fully support me and will provide references. Two medical professionals will back me up if necessary.

That's how things are. But this is how it feels:

When my 80-year-old mother dies, that will mean the loss of my one reliable source of companionship and support. She wants to put the Christmas tree up and I can't stand to because it means one more year has gone by and for all my efforts, I have still failed at life in the most basic ways:

- although I have many good friends, I'm so non-fun that I can't get anyone to hang out with me;
- although I have demonstrable talent, all it ever seems to do for me is get me fired;
- I am going to get into debt again and am unable to support myself at the age of nearly 40;
- I will almost certainly never have children;
- although I seem to be regarded as desirable by quite a few people (including the Handsomest Boy In The Village), this doesn't result in my being any less single;
- although the Handsomest Boy In The Village evidently has feelings of some kind for me, he can't or won't act on them.

I am haunted by temptation to reach the following conclusions:
- that I can't stand to live in a world where I will never succeed for failing;
- that I can't stand to live in a world where all love is theoretical;
- that I just can't stand it.

What can I do to stop thinking these thoughts?

Guilt and anxiety about declining dates and relationships

Chrysalis — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:07:09 -0800

Help me overcome my fear of rejection - the catch - it's a fear of rejecting other people Any time I have to turn someone down I become horribly anxious and terrified of hurting them and how they might react. This means that sometimes I avoid giving people a chance because I'm scared of having to break things off, and sometimes just going along with things cos I feel guilty to say no - which is even worse. I started dating for a bit but any time I had to break things off I'd feel so awful it just wasn't worth the fun parts. I've been trying to limit my involvement to people unlikely to form an attachment to me (because of this and the fact that I'm totally emotionally unavailable after a horrible relationship) but this weekend I drank too much and went home with a friend who I thought would leave it at that, but now I realise I missed lots of signs that he actually has feelings for me. I think I had some feelings for him but wasn't planning on doing anything about them. Now I feel like I accidentally used/misled him and I feel physically sick, my sleep is messed up etc. We are supposed to go out to dinner tomorrow but I don't think it's going to be like our normal catch-ups. I've been anxious all week and need to talk to him today. How can I gently explain that I wanted to do it at thetime but don't want to take it any further? He's been so good to me and I'm scared he's going to hate me and be upset and not want to be my friend. And in general, how can I stop being so terrified of disappointing people?

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

Why do I freak out if I don't know why?

MultiFaceted — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:03:28 -0800

I need help dealing with "unknown", especially in personal issues. I have an intense desire to know why something is happening, what someone's explanation is and I wind up a big ball of anxiety while overthinking it. I want to know how to be comfortable with just "not knowing", and how to be comfortable with the resulting feeling of not being able to control the situation. This latest bout of stress is based on romantic relationship stuff, but I do this whole worrying/overthinking thing in other situations too. My marriage ended because my husband just didn't love me and didn't want to be married to me anymore. He couldn't tell me why, couldn't give me a reason (literally, he just said "I don't know")...he just didn't want me anymore. I asked him over and over again for any sort of explanation, but I never really got one. So I spent a lot of time trying to analyze and figure it out to no avail. I wanted to know what I did wrong so that I don't repeat the same mistakes again (I'm assuming I have control in this situation...even though I probably don't).

Currently, there's a guy I'm interested in and we've been talking for a while (we live 5 hours apart so don't physically see each other very often). He and I have a lot of history together and he has said he wants a relationship with me but he needs to deal with some issues first (which is true...he does need to get mentally pulled together). I thought things were going pretty well overall, but for the past 3 weeks I haven't heard a word from him. I've sent a couple of texts and left a couple of messages but never got a response. Tonight he did respond to a text saying that he lost his phone a "while back" and wasn't able to afford a replacement until yesterday. I texted back asking him to call me so we could catch up...and there's been no response.

So...I have no explanation for the silence over the past 3 weeks. I understand work gets in the way (he can't always have his phone with him) but I'm not sure I'm buying the whole lost phone explanation. Even though we don't have any official ties to each other, I'm getting closer and closer to just walking away from him, but it seems like I can't let myself go without knowing why. Once again, I keep telling myself that if I know what his explanation is, I would feel better about the whole thing. Maybe he's just not into me, but if I knew why he wasn't into me I could somehow do something to improve for the next time.

This has had me tied up in knots over the past week. Right now my entire life feels out of control, and I'm desperately searching for some way to have control over something meaningful. I don't know what's next for me, I'm still struggling with getting more comfortable with my new "singleness", although I thought things were getting better. I've just been utterly overwhelmed and paralyzed the past few days (again).

So, the question is: What can I do to be able to handle not knowing/the unknown, and what can I do to learn how to be OK with not feeling in control in these types of situations?

(I do have the next two days off with no commitments so I have time to do some intensive thinking/writing/exploring if you want to suggest something specific for me to focus on)

Is rejection an intrinsically good experience or a future hindrance for an MFA program application?

Jeffy — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:17:23 -0800

Is it a bad idea to apply for a competitive graduate program, knowing you will probably get rejected or will it be a good experience for a future attempt at the same program? My SO wants to apply for a highly competitive MFA program. The program accepts less than 10 of the over 300 applicants every year. She feels that her portfolio is not up to snuff as she has been out of the art world for a few years and the bulk of her current work rests in one large piece.

She's decided to spend the year improving her portfolio, and apply next year.

I'm of the opinion that it can't hurt to apply now and get the experience and feedback that the process will provide, but I know the academic world is often very political.

Does the cloud have an opinion on whether an application before her work is truly ready will be a hindrance to future her chances?

How can I stop being so sensitive?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:48:07 -0800

I'd like to be less sensitive to rejection, as well as situations that aren't actually rejection but that I take as such. I've had social anxiety for as long as I can remember (I'm nineteen), and I have only come out of my shell in the last few months. Because of this, I'm incredibly sensitive to what others may think of me, since I've never really had friends and don't want people to dislike me. An example of this happened yesterday. I was helping my boyfriend with laundry, and because I didn't know where to put his Aunt's clothing I put both of her loads in the drier at the same time. (Something I do all the time at home, and assumed was OK.) She gave me a mini-lecture in an irritated tone of voice, and that was it.

Yet, after that I felt so bad I started crying (not in front of her.) When I told her I didn't know where to put her stuff, she said "that's when you ask," which is when I started scolding myself for having such poor social skills that I didn't even think to ask where her clothes go, then I told myself I was a bad person because I could've cost the family money for a new drier, that she probably hates me now, etc.

Another example would be in lab; I asked for help with an equation, the professor scolded me for not looking it over beforehand, and it was very hard for me not to start crying right there. I ended up giving up and leaving lab early.

I could give plenty more examples, but I think you get the jist of it. I should note that this also happens online - I received a rude response from a customer service rep not too long ago and it ruined my night.

I noticed that most people, when faced with such situations, tend to think, "Wow, that person is a bitch," or "They must be having a bad day." I've tried telling myself this, and even though I can logically say, "Well, this and that happened and it isn't my fault," it never sticks. I always end up internalizing it and feeling terrible. I also blame myself for having poor social skills quite frequently.

How can I overcome this? At the moment I don't have time to see a therapist, although I do plan to do that in the future.

Yes, I'm aware of the existence of 'he's just not that into you,' but I'd like it confirmed by the source.

Anonymous — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:35:54 -0800

How do you phrase "are you into me?" in a non-terrifying way? I'm about to have a, give-or-take, fifth date in a few days. The guy and I have a lovely, cuddly, sweet time when we're together, and then I don't hear from him for a week. We met about a month ago. We've made out, but that's about it (at my insistence, I'm trying to take it slow with anyone, these days). We met on a dating site, so I'm sure we've both been seeing other people, but I'm kind of interested in seeing if maybe we can give it a shot, because he's lots of fun.

It's been very, very casual, which was somewhat my fault, because the first time we met up, I called him last minute to say I was around and we should get a drink, then when he called to set something up, I was busy for a week. Now he's been busy, I've been busy, I've been out of town, he's been sick - in short, I will have not seen him in over two weeks when we meet up.

So, ok. I've decided I would want to see if he's interested. If he says no, I will not be devastated (beyond the anticipated ego-blow), but:

1. (less crucial) is there even a point in doing this, or is the answer 'no' if I have to ask? (I say this is less crucial because I intend to bring it up either way, so I guess I'm just looking to see how much I should prepare myself for unpleasantness)

2. what is the least-scary-least-desperate way to ask, hey, so do you think we could try dating?

I also ask because I'd really like to be having sex right now, but I'm disinclined to do it outside of exclusive dating, for health and mental-health reasons.

wanting to "divorce your kids" ?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:52:59 -0800

How can I help someone who has three young children but who doesn't want to be a mother anymore? I know that this sounds completely irresponsible and selfish and cruel but I would appreciate help if you can take the time to read the details. My friend is a strong person, intelligent, sensitive to people but has struggled with empathy and compassion - not second-nature to her.

This woman is educated, has been employed in care-taking occupations with high stress and high responsibility. She stopped working after her first child was born. She and her husband had been married for seven years before they had any children. She was never sure if she wanted them, but he did and in her late thirties before the clock stopped she had a boy and then two years later had twin boys.

Since the twins were born, her husband was downsized and then went into training to become a police officer which meant he was away for six months training. Since he graduated they have been moved three times in four years. She feels that he has changed significantly because of his new occupation. Their relationship is disintegrating. She had to set up a separate email account just to communicate with me about this because her husband reads her email.

He has never had much patience with the children - a nice guy but without the education she has had and with a background of famiiy dysfunction - an abusive father who was a heavy drinker - a tough man who raised lots of kids on very, very little money.

What this means is that she is largely responsible for home and kids and she is at her wits end. I've been giving her some of the most obvious kinds of advice - find playgroups, multiple birth support groups, counseling, a sympathetic minister or woman's issues worker of some kind. I've told her to take time for herself, time with just her husband, sports and arts with the kids, exercise for herself - she has tried to do much of this but when they try to go out he gets called away (few officers in their small rural town). When she hires a sitter - if she can get one who will sit twins plus one all under 6 years old - she says she comes home to a destroyed house and broken toys/equipment and sometimes bruised kids (from falling, fighting, tumbling). It sounds like they are quite a handful.

I know that the children may be reacting to all of the moves and the obvious tension and tiredness in their parents and from the very little I have seen these two have two conflicting parenting styles.

Finally, I asked her to try to focus on a few things that she felt made her the most unhappy and then we could brain storm ways that she could get help with them. I asked what she would change most if she could change anything and her reply was to never have had children in the first place.

She has felt this way for at least the last six months, probably longer.
We live 2,000 miles away from each other. I can visit but not for long. They live in a small isolated community now with few sophisticated resources. She has little in common with the other mothers in her community though she has joined the parent council at the local elementary school that her oldest has begun to attend. She just can't see her way to going back to work full-time but has returned to on-call service a day or two a week.

She is trying to find a lifeboat but nothing seems to hold. How can I help?
I am quite anxious about the direction this is going and I feel too old to offer to take care of the children for more than a week or two if she felt no other way out than to leave. My daughter is 30, newly married, not ready for children yet either. I have a career, live in a tiny space, have been single for over 25 years - retirement is still 6 to 7 years away. Though I love children, I have already raised one alone - I can't do it again.

But she is very alone. No siblings anywhere nearby, parents both deceased and no close friends to speak of because of the frequent moves, in-laws far away. I'm frightened for her. I know how hard it is to be a good parent even though I wanted and adored my child and loved (love) being a mother.

Is this just an expression of stress or are their some people who reject their children? I'm so worried that the kids have already been seriously affected by this. I'm worried about her state of mind. Can post-partum depression last for years, or turn up years after the children are born? I'm worried about what stress can do to a man who knows very well how to use a weapon. What can be done?

I've got some parenting books to send her but it feels like so little.

Have you met my new much much better than you boyfriend?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 09:41:59 -0800

Was in love with a friend. He is not in love with me. Haven't talked to him in 3 months, but find myself constantly having (childish) fantasies of him begging me back, going into a jealous rage when I've found someone else, and basically living with the horrible regret of throwing away his one chance at happiness. Must regain sanity and purge these thoughts. I realize these fantasies are utterly ridiculous and they actually make me very unhappy to think about. I always imagine bumping into him at a bar one night and him demanding to know if the friend I'm with is my boyfriend or trying to get me to go home with him, and then I tell him to go to hell and that he gave up the chance to be with me and now he just has to live with the fact I'm with someone else. It's all very dramatic. I just end up working myself up and then flashing back to reality that he's the one that rejected me, not the other way around, and that he is not sitting around pining for me.

In my defense, he wasn't straight about whether he was interested in me for the better part of a year and I feel like part of him led me on because it was a bit of an ego trip for him. It ended after I told him I didn't want to see him again until we cleared everything up between us, which led to a huge drunken fight several weeks later. To say things are over between us is the understatement of the century.

Despite that I've been casually dating someone else who I have a lot of fun with for awhile now, my mind always goes back to him. I know I have a lot of anger towards him, especially because prior to this he was one of my best friends and I feel like he owed it to me to be straight with me and he was anything but.

But the real issue is that my mind just keeps going back to these scenarios. I feel like every time I'm bored and my mind wanders I go back to these ridiculous revenge fantasies. So how do I stop my mind from going there? Besides these thoughts I feel like I've largely moved on. I don't want to talk to him (and we used to email back and forth all day so this is huge), I don't want to see him, I just really want him to see me, looking really good, with someone really hot and successful who saves orphans in Africa and is even smarter than him, but better than him because he isn't obsessed with football. You get the idea.

And I should say I've thought about therapy, but besides these thoughts I'm actually ok with the way things are. I'm glad that after years of wondering I know he doesn't want me and I can move on. I'm glad he is out of my life, there is just these thoughts.

Gimme an F! A! I! L! What does that spell?

freshwater_pr0n — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:04:55 -0800

Is there a way to tweak my personal psychology so that I perceive failure and rejection as neutral or even positive, rather than negative, events? Artistic failure, professional failure, personal failure - I'm interested in all of them. Some animals can be conditioned to perceive mildly painful stimuli as positive events - why not me?

Reject?

hnnrs — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:56:25 -0800

I applied for a job that I had absolutely the right criteria for, but I've been rejected before the interview stage. Is it worth following it up, and trying to get an interview, or should I just let it go? The response I got was:

Many thanks,
We've received a large number of applications for the role, many from people who already have substantial experience in similar roles. I can't, because of the volume, invite you to interview at this stage, I'm afraid. But I'm very grateful for your interest in working here. Best wishes

We were friends, that was as far as it went

Anonymous — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 18:33:42 -0800

I was rejected pretty kindly, we are being friends, and we're hanging out an awful, awful lot. Please help me get some perspective. A couple of months ago, I met an acquaintance at a party and we spent the whole night talking, splitting away from the group. I am terrible at reading people when I find them attractive, and adding an age gap - I'm in my late twenties (and female), he's about twenty years older and lives with his daughter to whom I'm closer in age - so I was too unsure to make a move that night. I got in touch a few days later to say I'd really enjoyed talking and would be totally into doing it again, and we arranged to meet for coffee.

We live in a small town and there are only bars open in the evenings, so that's where we met, which would have been helpful in the get-drunk-and-figure-it-out-that-way except that I don't drink. So, we did this about three times, with good conversation and nothing overtly date-like, but it was intense conversation and we were meeting up alone outside our mutual friends. After the third, I was going slightly crazy from the ambiguity, but I couldn't quite get the words out and ended up sending a text message on my way home, to the effect of "so you know I'm attracted to you, right?"

He called right away and said he wished I'd said it in person, and gave me a pretty specific variant of "it's not a good time for me and I'd really like to keep to being friends", about not wanting to make emotional ties. I've met this enough times to realise it's a kind, gentle rejection, and I was pretty sad but got the message.

Since then, we have been being friends, and have met up alone and also at events, ending up pretty stuck into conversation. Last week, we went to the beach one day (with another, newish friend of mine), and that continued pretty much every single evening for hours each time, good playful and more serious conversation, alone and with others, and me properly meeting his (awesome) daughter.

I realise we're getting more trusting and open in conversation, but I am slightly wary that in some ways it feels like making a best friend when you're 12, and neither of us is 12. There's an ease developing between us physically and the conversation is hitting on more personal and intimate territory, our interaction has slipped into partly being quite playful and teasing, and we are spending an awful lot of time together.

I keep being asked by other people if there's something going on. My closest mutual friend is baffled and agrees with me that the rejection must have been just that, but also notes that he talks about me a lot and seems "very, very fond" of me. I am getting a whole lot out of the friendship and I am not trying to either guilt or seduce him into anything else - I accept that he's not interested. I don't think either one of us is likely to start seeing someone else soon.

I am trying to be comprehensive without going into excessive detail, apologies if I have missed the mark. The only extra thing that I feel I should add is that I'm moving away at the end of the summer and he knew it was a possibility - when I fessed up about liking him, it seemed worth risking having a good fling in spite of that.

Am I being stupid, getting into this weird in-between territory with someone who has made their feelings clear? Is this a really bizarre friendship to be having, even for two slightly strange people? Have you done this before and had it work out well? Is there something here I'm failing to see?

I wish I could ask him about this rather than the the internet...

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:16:19 -0800

I hooked up with an old friend who I had very long standing crush on, I'm pretty confident I'm being rejected, but his behavior during and after is still making my head spin and I would really like to understand his behavior more so that I can move on. So me and X were roommates several years ago. We were very close and there was always A LOT of sexual tension between us, but he was in a very serious (but very dysfunctional) long distance relationship so nothing ever happened between us and we never talked about it. I ended up moving away to go to school and eventually dropped contact with him because I felt I needed to do so to get over him.

Recently, I was back in my hometown and decided to give him a call since we were such good friends and things were different now or so I had thought.

We end up going out and getting fairly wasted. He told me he had broken up with his girlfriend a year ago. One thing leads to another and we end up back at his place. We fooled around but didn't have sex. Things got weird when he didn't want me sleeping in his bed and wanted me to stay in the guest room. He also didn't want to cuddle and kept pushing for sex. After I got angry and nearly called a cab at 4 am he broke down and told me he couldn't handle sleeping in the same bed and cuddling when I was going to be leaving and going back to my new home on the other side of the country. When I brought up how I had always had feelings for him he said he had felt the same way but he didn't want to talk about it since there was no point as "we were in very different places in our lives" and therefore nothing could come of it. He refused to really talk about anything beyond that, he kept saying we could talk in the morning or over email about everything but he couldn't talk then. We left things with him driving me back to the place where I was staying at 8 am.

Afterwards, we sent a couple random texts and I sent him an email basically trying to clear the air to which he never responded. He has sent me a couple of other emails that didn't mention my email and were just short and chit chatty in nature.

In a couple days I am going back to my hometown to visit relatives and I sent him an email letting him know and saying we should hang out, to which he hasn't responded. I know there is nothing I can probably do to change this situation, but I really can't wrap my head around what happened and his bizarre behavior.

To give some background I'm a female in my mid 20s and he's in his early 30s.

How many more bridesmaid's dresses should I expect to buy?

anastasiav — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:20:29 -0800

How many times do people typically make it to the "finalist" round before they land a job? Today I was notified that I was not hired for a position, after going through an extensive "finalist" process. This is the fourth time this has happened in two months, and its starting to get frustrating, not only because I'm not getting hired, but because the process of not getting hired is making me take a ton of time away from my current job.

Is it typical to be a finalist for several positions before you land a job?

My field is training and development. I've asked for feedback from all four no's and have gotten a different answer each time, so I don't think its something specific I'm doing or not doing. Also, two of the four never checked my references, and those two each talked to different people, so I don't think its a hidden reference problem.

Is it just the current market? Or should I start to look deeper to find something I need to change?

Did I read the signs wrong, or am I being lied to?

thescientificmethhead — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:29:57 -0800

I just got rejected by a girl whom I was certain had wanted me to make a move. I am very confused now. If anyone wants to venture a guess as to what happened I would appreciate it. Long story after the jump. I’m a 22 year old male. All of my life I’ve suffered from a confidence deficit in my relations with women (girls), mostly as a result of believing that I am too ugly to win the affections of an attractive girl. I’ve had one serious girlfriend who is also the only person I’ve had sex with, and that relationship ended roughly three years ago. Since then I haven’t shared contact with the opposite gender outside of friendly conversation. I’ve made an art and bad habit out of unrequited love.

Recently I’ve been investigating the power of positive thinking and the notion that the scenes of our life are not external and separate from us, but are actually mirroring our internal conditions. From this line of thought I came to the realization that my lack of confidence and expectation of failure was what was keeping me from the relationships with women that I wanted. From this perspective the history of my repeated failures with the fairer sex (as I remembered it) seemed completely different to me. Before this paradigm shift I had seen myself as a hopelessly ugly and inept victim, doomed to long for the beautiful and alluring specimens of femininity that crossed my path but never deserving to see those feelings returned. And now, when I revisited those scenes from my past I saw that many lovely ladies had been well within my grasp, and most likely waiting for me to reach out to them, to “make the first move,” which my fear (grounded in my certainty of rejection) prevented me from ever attempting. I imagined the scenarios as I remembered them from the other person’s perspectives, and became aware that I actually may have been hurting these beautiful people and calling myself the victim!

Moving along: Last school year I started hanging out with this guy, who I will call Tom, and he is now one of my best friends. Tom has a girlfriend named Martha. They met first year of college and have been dating steadily for nearly four years. They are very close, each other’s first lovers and all that. Because of the young lovers’ affinity for each other, I soon found myself hanging out with both of them fairly often, and the three of us have spent a good deal of time together over the past year. Martha is a beautiful girl, and very sweet, yet somehow I managed to conduct a platonic friendship with her without ever developing an infatuation, which is historically what I’ve done in similar situations. I was happy enough just being her friend, without wondering if I would ever hold her in my arms, and I enjoyed hanging out with her and Tom enough that those kinds of questions never bothered me.

Earlier this summer Tom was out of town for a month. During this time Martha made several unsolicited visits to my roommate and I’s apartment (Martha’s apartment is just down the street, about a ten minute walk). The first time was on a Saturday, and she was wearing what I perceived to be a very sexy outfit. I thought it odd that she was so “done-up” on a weekend when her man was out of town. Also, Martha had never come by our place on her own while Tom was around, it would always be in her presence. My roommate and I joked that it seemed like Martha was looking for some love while Tom was gone. I tried to put it out of my mind, but a day later Martha sent me a text message asking if I wanted to watch a movie over at her place. This is also something that had never happened previously, let alone when Tom was around. I thought that the invitation seemed like a hook up line. Martha is a great girl and I would be privileged to be with her, but ultimately I sided with loyalty to my friend, as I couldn’t in good conscience make a move on his girlfriend while he was away. Martha came by again one evening after work while I was home alone. We talked for a while but I was careful to not intimate anything beyond platonic interest. She excused herself to leave as she had to be up early the next morning, and when she got to the door she paused and turned around and sort of arched herself toward me in a gesture that I interpreted as very suggestive body language, and said, “By the way, Tom is getting back next week, not this week.” Then she left. Now, maybe I was projecting what I wanted to see onto what Martha was actually communicating, but that statement sounds to me like she was saying “Why don’t we have some fun while my boyfriend is still out of town?”

As far as opportunities for great spontaneous sexual relations go, this scenario was a perfect storm. But I did what I thought at the time was the right thing and resisted temptation. So Tom returned and things got back to normal more or less. He did seem somewhat ill at ease with the information that Martha had been coming by my apartment while he was gone, which indicated to me that he had the same suspicions about her motives as I had. I never mentioned any of this to Tom, since nothing had happened from it and I didn’t see the purpose in telling someone “Hey, I think you’re girlfriend was acting real slutty while you were out of town.” As time went by, however, I began imagining what things would’ve been like if I had responded to Martha’s advances, and I started to regret that I had let what seemed like a golden opportunity to be with someone I really like pass me by, leaving my already uneventful romantic life unchanged. This regret festered inside of me until I made the decision to seize the missed opportunity, or at least create a second opportunity.

Tom left town again last week, and the same day that he left I messaged Martha to ask if she wanted to get together over the weekend as I suddenly and unexpectedly had a house all to myself. She got back to me a couple of days later and said that she was going to make some popcorn and watch a movie and that I was welcome to join her. Doesn’t that sound like a ‘date’ scenario to anybody besides me? Well I got it into my mind that I was going to finally close the deal with this beautiful girl who I thought had been begging me to make a move. With confidence in myself and love for all sentient beings everywhere in the universe I drove to meet her.

We chatted while making popcorn, watched some Olympics, and then tried to start the movie but the disc was not cooperating. I interpreted this technical malfunction as a sign from the universe to quit stalling and make my move (an interpretation I also ascribed to an Olympic commentator’s use of the phrase “first erection” to describe a gymnast’s maneuver). Sitting beside her on a loveseat I turned to face her and said, “Obviously I’m terrible at making the first move, so is it alright if I kiss you?” And she said “No,” which I had not expected. I asked her why and she said, “I’m with Tom. I just couldn’t do that to him.” At this time I wasn’t hurt or broken, but I did feel something that I think must be akin to shock. I just couldn’t believe it. I had been so confident of my success, and so sure of the signals I thought she had been sending. After a moment of thought I asked her, “But weren’t you coming on to me while Tom was out of town?” She said that she hadn’t, that her visits had all been made in the spirit of friendship, and that “I guess everybody just perceives things very differently.”

Now, I believe that we all view the world through a “reality tunnel” that filters our perceptions in accordance with our beliefs. I am inclined to agree with a Mefite who commented on a post recently that “reality is spontaneous and unique to each of us.” I am versed in the writings of Robert Anton Wilson, and I think I understand that “whatever the thinker thinks the prover proves,” that we all live in separate realities and that all perception is gamble and so forth, but her assertion that I had hallucinated all her advances was truly mind-blowing to me. I also want to mention that during this exchange following my bid for a kiss Martha remained remarkably composed. She hardly stirred or batted an eye after my question, almost as if she had expected it or something similar. She didn’t seem upset, didn’t raise her voice or ask me to leave after I revealed my intentions, which also seemed strange to me. I didn’t challenge her version of events any further however because I was stunned, mind reeling and what not. So I have been trying to figure out what the “truth” behind his scenario is. Perhaps I am dangerously crazy, and my perception of reality is more hallucination than I had considered before; that I had seen Martha making come hither advances toward me simply because that is what I wanted to see in my heart of hearts? Perhaps she is crazy and wasn’t aware of the messages she was transmitting; or perhaps she was subconsciously seeking male attention, consciously unaware of her actions. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt; I have always thought of Martha as a sweet girl, and I don’t want to give credence to the conspiracy theory that she conducted this elaborate game with my emotions just to be able to deny me and revel in my humiliation. Should I have just moved in to kiss her instead of asking? What happened here, where did I go wrong?

I spent EIGHT months for you! And for WHAT?!

divabat — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 05:00:05 -0800

I feel like I'm going through a breakup - only it isn't with a person, it's with an intangible thing. I know intellectually that I'll get better, but it's just been the first few days and I'm hurting so much. How do I heal? Something I've been working on for about 8 months straight has ended for me (not in my favour) and I'm feeling very odd, strange, sick.

I'm going through all the stages of grief, and then some - angry because I spent all that time on essentially nothing, sadness that I didn't get what I hoped for, thankful that I don't have to deal with some people that don't respect me, disappointed that I don't get to deal with the people I quite adored, upset that the disrespectful people were chosen over me, sour grapes that "well if that's how they'll be then I'm glad I'm not going!!", lost because I don't know what to do next, etc etc. All those emotions are piling in the pit of my stomach and they are making me really really nauseous - though I can't throw up.

This isn't the biggest disappointment I've ever had to face. I've faced things of this level before. It takes time and I don't quite notice when I recover, but it happens eventually. There has been a lot that I've learnt through this process, so it's not a complete waste. I know that I'll eventually get better, move on, find something else. I know all that intellectually.

Yet I still can't get rid of all those emotions making me ill. I've got about a few days to go before I head back for Australia, and I'm in the middle of nowhere (parents' house), so there isn't much to distract me. I have a website to make and a few books to read, but I can't even concentrate - I just feel sleepy or ill. My parents are trying to help...but it's not quite working at the moment.

As soon as I arrive in Australia, I have a week-long summit, followed by my last uni semester. It's all work experience stuff so there aren't any regular classes, but even until now I don't quite know how my schedule is like (you have to apply for projects; I'm still waiting to hear which ones I've got. I also arranged them in the expectation that this project would work out and now I have to probably rearrange stuff). I won't be near my comforting boyfriend, or my other usual distractions/stuff that helps, till about the 11th. That's a while away. I'm looking forward to the summit, but I'm worried that I won't be able to concentrate or give my best.

This thing I've been working on was meant to be my next step after uni, and now I have nothing. (Some of my other plans have collapsed too due to factors outside my control.) While I know I still have a few months before I have to think about it, and I don't have to rush into anything, I can't help but feel totally empty and lost. I was counting on this to be freedom, but now I feel just as trapped - doesn't help that my mum's pushing me to get permanent residency when (a) the rules change so quickly (b) the likelihood is rare.

I'm trying to look for other options, but at this point I don't know what I even WANT to do. This massive fall is making me wary of bringing my hopes up. I gave up on a lot of opportunities so that I could focus on this one thing - I felt that if I didn't give it enough attention I wouldn't do so well. Didn't work anyway. So now I don't know what to do.

Is it strange to feel like you're going through a breakup, when you haven't even broken up with ANYONE? I've heard the reasons for what happened and they actually paint me in a good light - but that doesn't make me any less sad. The last time I was disappointed it took me about a month to recover, so maybe I'm just being impatient, but I hate having only my anguish to wallow in. These manic emotions and sickness is driving me mad.

What can I do? What could I do at least for the next few days before I head back to Australia (or even when I'm there, because I'm sure I'm not going to recover THAT quickly even with a summit, work experience, and boyfriend to distract me). How do I get myself past this disappointment and be brave enough to look out & explore other opportunities? Will eating a pint of ice cream help?

(I have gone through a breakup, but it wasn't long and we were back together, and the time in between was mostly spent trying to fix our issues.)

What do I do? How do I cope? This sucks.

No means no

Phire — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:23:06 -0800

How to nicely but firmly tell someone I am completely and totally uninterested romantically and at this point, pretty averse to friendship, too? Through pure coincidence, I met a guy at work who works in a different section of the building but for the same overall organization. Initially, we emailed each other a lot - we're both summer students, Outlook is pretty much the only entertainment available to us when it's a slow day. I got a bit wary when it got a bit too obvious even to my dense mind that he was flirting, so I looked him up on - what else - Facebook. He has a girlfriend. Good! I thought, he's just one of those people who're naturally flirty. Now I can make another friend without worrying about weird signals. At this point I had already mentioned my boyfriend several times. I figure I'm in the clear.

Anyway. Long story short, we ended up going to see a movie together (my initiative, after I told him that both my boyfriend and my best friend bailed on me for that day), grabbed a bite to eat, chatted a bit more in earnest. I mention the boyfriend again - yes, I'm pretty paranoid by this point - so he asks me the standard question about him (2.5 years, living together with other housemates, etc).

"Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I've got this girlfriend... but I don't really like her, and I'm thinking of breaking up with her soon."

Great....!

What follows are flimsy excuses to take the same bus as me home, texting me to say he had a great time, trying to get me to go have dinner with him some time, inviting me to hang out several times over the past two week, boasting about his amazing baking and how he needs to bring me something, and drunk texting over the weekend. I've ignored the texts if I could do so without feeling like a major bitch (e.g. if the texts were fairly innocuous), I've turned down all invitations to hang out with "yeah, no, plans with the boyfriend/second job/parents" type deals, I turned the dinner into a lunch at work and had the boyfriend come along, etc.

And so it goes on. Now for all I know he's not interested in me romantically, either, and this is all in my egotistical head. But my paranoia and general dislike of his occasionally arrogant personality mean that I'm really not interested in hanging out with him. Or talking to him, really, though I wouldn't mind talking to him if only for the sake of not burning bridges and networking and all that.

I think I've been pretty damn that I'm not interested in furthering the 'friendship'. How can I get him to back off short of openly saying "Hey, buddy, sorry but I don't really want to hang out outside of work."? Normally I'm okay with confrontations, but in this case it can be argued that he hasn't really done anything wrong and thus this sort of statement is uncalled for?

Furthermore, I'm 19, he's 22. I don't exactly think that sort of statement goes over well with my demographic.

How do I tell my parents I'm not a devilworshipper?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 May 2008 19:23:48 -0800

How to I gracefully tell my parents that I've changed religions? Three years ago, I realized that my current religious beliefs weren't helping me. I became a practicioner of Santeria and I'm happy with my decision. I'm starting to participate in more and more ceremonies and there's one coming up that I'm very excited about. I would love to tell my parents and have them share in my happiness. I've wanted to tell them many times before but I've been terrified they would reject me. I'm ready to tell them now, but am unsure of how to.

My mother is Christian and doesn't think highly of other religions including Catholicism (which her sister and my father are.) I tried to talk about my sister-in-law's father who converted to Islam to test the waters recently and she thought he was "making a mistake turning away from God." My father is rather racist and I'm worried that he would just berate me for "hanging out with those (insert expression here)" I have no problems standing up to either of my parents and I'm not financially dependent upon either of them. But I would like to have a good relationship with them and have them be happy for me with this.

I have no idea how to tell them, or even how to bring it up gently. I live halfway across the county, they are on the east coast. I don't really want to do it on the phone, but I have no desire to do it on some holiday. I almost told her on Mother's Day, but thought better of it.

So, two part question... How did you handle it when you told your parents you had different religious beliefs then they did? I want to handle this gracefully as possible and with a happy outcome, but barring that and going with my gut; how do I deal with my parents rejection and shunning of me? If you need to ask any questions, email me at nomomyoudidfine@yahoo.com

How dare you! ... we like it.

divabat — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 04:20:24 -0800

What are some audacious things that people have done to convince someone of their goal/cause/opinion or change their mind - and succeed? One of the sponsorship books I'm reading tells the story of a non-profit club member that, when given a rejection for his club's proposal, actually drove three hours to see the company's sponsorship manager and ask why they were rejected. Said sponsorship manager (who was also the author of this book) was blown away by the man's passion and dedication, and eventually agreed to the sponsorship.

Who else has managed to pull off something like this? Richard Branson's possibly the king of audacious gestures, though his are more publicity stunts than attempts to get someone on their side. There's also all the high school seniors who keep saying "oh, I'll go to College X That Rejected Me with all my awesomeness and show them what they're missing", but I've never heard of anyone that's actually done so, let alone succeed at it. And there's all the Idol auditionees that do crazy stuff to get in - though arguably no one's made it to the finals on a stunt.

I'm mainly interested in stories that involve getting a rejection overturned or have someone change their mind about the asker (for example, getting accepted for something you were once rejected for), but anything works really.

"I'm sorry to let you know we've selected another candidate."

Sweetie Darling — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 10:14:15 -0800

What's better/less worse: Telling someone now that they didn't get a job, or leaving him/her hanging until after the holidays? I want to do the humane thing here.

Coming to terms with a long-term parental rejection

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 19:00:24 -0800

How to get over/deal with/move on from parental rejection? [LONG!] My parents divorced when my mother was pregnant with me, mostly BECAUSE she was pregnant with me. My biological father didn't want a baby at the time -- he gave my mother an ultimatum: me or the baby. My mother chose me, they divorced, she moved in with her parents, I was born. I've never had any contact with my father.

Financially, I've had a comfortable life. I've been loved by my mother's family, although I've never really had a father figure. I grew up knowing the truth for the most part; when I was 18 my mother sat me down and told me the full story, gave me my father's name and said I should feel free to find him if I ever needed to. But that he "didn't deserve" me.

Essentially, she said, he was a nice guy, but vain and lacking in a spine. When they were married they were youngish, free, wealthy and he didn't want a baby "messing all that up". My mother knows through fractured contact with my father's sister that he has remarried, and has two children of his own. Neither the wife nor the children know about me.

My entire life I never thought this was a big deal. I figured if he couldn't be bothered to contact me that he wasn't worth my while. I thought family is what you make it and genes are genes.

Intellectually I still believe that, but emotionally... it's a different story. Now I'm in my late 20s I'm only beginning to realise how much it has been rankling me all this time. The fact that he has this whole "other family" (whom presumably he accepts!) and also that he's never tried to get in touch -- I really haven't been that hard to find -- all makes me feel like a dirty little secret. Intellectually, again, I know he's just a vain and selfish man, but emotionally...

I'm well educated, I have a good job, I have a loving boyfriend and a circle of some really great friends. But I've always been very good at keeping people at a distance (for the most part, without them knowing), I'm constantly dogged by self doubt and the fear in the back of my mind that those who love me will "come to their senses", "see me for what I am" and leave.

I have some serious self esteem issues, and some powerful self destructive habits. I'm in therapy. I just want to get over this - or accept it and deal with it, move on. I have the potential to have a fulfilling life, if I could just get rid of this insane secret jealousy of anyone whose father does the smallest thing -- gives them a ride to the station, whatever. And this feeling that pervades everything that I am, somehow, deep down "wrong" or "bad".

I feel really stupid posting this, as there are so many people out there who are self possessed and positive, who may have been abandoned or rejected as a child. But perhaps you're the very people that I need to answer this.

How do I get over this and move on? I know what I *think* but how do I change how I *feel*?

How do I stop worrying in the beginning of a relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 16:40:28 -0800

How do I stop worrying in the beginning of a relationship? (example provided) First thing is that I have A LOT of anxiety about relationships!! I take things too seriously, and it is very hard for me to "wait and see" or to just let things happen. I guess this becomes a neurotic pattern where my fear of the relationship failing sometimes causes things to go south. I think this has to do with the fact that I never had a father. Without any positive male role models on my life, I get very nervous in relationships with men.

Here's a typical example. I have been seeing this guy for several weeks. In the beginning he came on really strong--saying that he had no question about wanting to be with me and seeing me 3 days in a row during the first week! We were basically inseparable from day one. Because things were moving so fast (i.e. going so well) I got really nervous and was afraid to disappoint him or to have it crash and burn. So I told him that I liked him a lot but that I wanted to get to know him more slowly--to see each other a couple times a week and slow it down a bit.......Since then I'm feeling mixed signals and wonder if he's less interested in me. He's been a lot less consistent--a couple of times he canceled plans with me at the last minute but we are still seeing each other maybe once every week or two although he doesn't really call me.

Long story short, I ALWAYS feel that people are rejecting me. So this may just be a pattern for how I interpret things. At the same time, I feel like this guy has pulled back so much that I'm not getting as much attention as I would like to get,

How do I figure this out? I don't want to be unreasonable or demanding, and realistically I know I'm a very anxious person, yet it drives me crazy when someone cancels on me for flaky reasons more than once because it’s disappointing and makes me feel like my time isn’t valued. I am blaming myself because I feel like my worries early on steered the relationship off course--I was just too scared that things would crash and burn if they moved too quickly...but now I'm wondering if I made a mistake by putting the brakes on. How do I know if I'm seeing the situation accurately (or feeling "rejected" when it's not really happening?). What do you think about this guy's behavior toward me? How can I chill out and not scare people away with my relationship anxiety?

I'm just not that into you

phoenixc — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 21:05:40 -0800

How do you tell a potential employer that you're just not that into them? A couple weeks ago I had a job interview with the company I worked for previously in a role that's fairly similar to the one that I had left about 3 years ago, except that this new position has greater scope, more exposure to senior-level management, a better title, and likely much better pay. Going into that first interview, I thought it was what I wanted, but after much consideration, I've decided that going back would probably be a mistake since there was a reason I left that role when I did, and that reason hasn't changed - I was bored by financial reporting then, and I'm no more excited by it now.

I got a call this afternoon from the hiring manager who wants to meet me later this week. I don't want to feign interest in the position and waste both our time since I know I don't want the job. This is a huge company and I might one day find myself applying there for a different role elsewhere. How do I tell him that I'm not interested in pursuing the opportunity any further without burning any bridges?

How do I fit in?

mpls2 — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 05:55:50 -0800

How do I gain rapport with people? (or, should I ditch if I'm being ditched?) I was at a concert last night, and met up with a friend of mine who was with three of her friends. She's closer with those three friends than she is with me. I used to date this girl, but we broke up after it became obvious that we had completely different social lives (hers is big, mine is not). It's actually a total accident that we ever dated for a couple months. She has her shit together 100%, and if she doesn't then she's pretty fucking awesome at keeping up appearances. I'm your basic introvert who can be fun to be around once you know me, but pretty useless if you don't.

Anyways, my friend knew I'd be there because the concert had come up in our conversation the night before, so she said she'd call me when she got there.

After meeting her and her friends, my friend made it clear that they all had plans for later that would not include me (meaning, she described all these plans and did not invite me to join them). This doesn't surprise me because, as mentioned above, my friend has a turbo-charged social life that she's never really made an effort to include me in (we hang out maybe once every 6-8 weeks). So it starts to become obvious that my friend is trying to ditch me.... there's no other way to put it. I'll admit that I wasn't being charming or witty, and small talk friendliness seems lame when everyone else is joking around. So, it's not like she didn't have a reason.

At some point after a lot of awkwardness, I just told my friend I'd be taking off and gave her a hug. It didn't feel like a friendly hug. I felt like shit when I got home. Still do. I guess one thing I've realized is that my friend does not need my friendship at all. She has a blessed life. She's successful in almost every way imaginable, and she's also incredibly considerate and down-to-earth. To the point that I think she would totally feign friendship in order to avoid hurting my feelings. I need her friendship. Of course, I would never tell her that.

I just want to know how to fit in, and how to know if a group is worth fitting in with. Break it down for me. Bonus points for anecdotes. I have to solve this part of my life.