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Lesbian assault help

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:00:09 -0800

My first lesbian experience quickly became assault. What do I do to take care of myself now? While I'm a queer female, I've never actually been with a woman before. I was at an event that promoted safe exploration of female sexuality. I'd sussed out the org for a while and did research before going in; they had a long list of rules and procedures and had a history of organising such events so I figured I'd be OK.

I spent most of the night observing what was going on before jumping in. Unfortunately I happened to get the one psycho of the group - a crazy hyperactive (later I found out she was drunk) girl who didn't know what she was going, was rough to the point of pain and bleeding, and was very insistent. Despite me begging her to stop and be gentle (she knew it was my first time), she kept going, or she'd change up and then go back to being rough and painful.

I was in near shock and it didn't hit me that it was assault until I got into the taxi home and started crying. Ever since then I've been having flashes of memories, the smell of people's bodies would set me off, and I just feel so lost.

I've been talking to some friends (esp those active with the queer community here) and they've been fantastic with support and resources. But I'm not sure where I can go for help. Looking up "lesbian assault" on Google gets me porn. A lot of the abuse/assault resources are for women attacked by men; not so much for women attacked by women.

I've emailed the organiser (though I think she knew what happened already, just emphasising the gravity of the situation) and I have a doctor's appointment today to check that there hasn't been terrible damage. I did use to see a psychologist for other things, but I'm not sure if queer sexuality is an area she's experienced in. But where to now? I'm going to a big family event overseas in a couple of weeks and they're really conservative (even my very liberal sister was a little bit judgemental when I told her) and I don't want to start breaking down halfway through the event. My boyfriend has been really supportive of everything, but I don't want to rely on him alone for help.

What can I do to take care of myself? Where can I go? (I live in Brisbane) I seem to go from feeling OK to feeling like crap as a yoyo. I keep feeling like I should apologize to someone but I don't know who. I don't want to press charges - I don't want to go through that whole process and I hardly remember the other girl's name. I just want to be able to heal.

Emails can be sent into agirlinpain@care2.com

Stop worrying and love the boy

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:06:34 -0800

A medical issue has caused memories of rape to resurface and ruin my sex life. I have no money for therapy. Do I have any options other than being a mess and making both me and boyfriend totally miserable? About seven years ago, when I was a teen, I was drugged by a seemingly friendly guy and his companions, stuffed into the back of a car, and gang raped all night in a strange apartment. In the morning, they drove me to the edge of town and left me, bleeding and half-dressed. Somehow I wound up at a hospital, was treated for internal uterine lacerations and other complications, and sent on my merry way.

I've had years of therapy to mitigate the obvious ramifications. Some catharsis was reached when the men were apprehended and accordingly sentenced. It took a very, very long time to trust men again, but now I'm in a healthy relationship with the best guy in the world for the past 8 months. He knows my past and has been unflaggingly supportive. Our sex life is (was?) really great, though a little spotty during times when I'd fall in a funk. A month or two ago I had some medical complications arising from old tears and scar tissue in my uterus, which caused heavy bleeding, cramping, loss of soft tissue, extreme fatigue, anemia etc. I've been in and out of the hospital for weeks, and my boyfriend and I couldn't have sex until I was cleared by my OB/GYN. Meanwhile, my subconscious has re-forged a connection between sex and pain/rape that leaves me mortified of any remotely sexual activity.

Today I was cleared, but I'm terrified of having sex. Rationally I know I'm fine, and that consensual sex is good and fun, but even non-intercourse things leave me terrified. I have vivid nightmares of the rape all over again, something I haven't gone through since the first three years after I was attacked.

I have no money for therapy. All my money has gone to paying, out of pocket, my medical bills. I've tried some of the free and sliding scale therapists in NYC, but they were all bad fits or generally unhelpful. The only therapists that have worked for me in the past have been highly skilled, very expensive professionals who are experienced with victims of extreme sexual trauma. The hospital case worker was so overworked that she had my file switched with another patient's file and didn't realize her mistake until 45 minutes into a 50-minute session.

I don't want to lose this guy (who has a naturally high sex drive and has been swallowing his frustration and putting on a kind, brave face for my part) and our sex life to these harrowing anxieties. I know it's not his fault, I know he didn't cause this pain, but the very idea of sex has me bound in knots. I feel so incredibly guilty, despite my boyfriend's seemingly endless patience and understanding.

Are there any books I can read that address anxieties over sex among rape survivors? Any affordable therapy recommendations or other information can be directed to: anonymouseandbee@gmail.com

What can I do to cope with rape?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:01:35 -0800

I was raped in a foreign country. Going home is not an option. What can I do to cope? I don't even know where to start. This is going to be disjointed, but I don't care. If anything is too graphic, then mods, please edit it.

A day and a half ago, I was raped. He was an acquaintance (friend's uncle), definitely not a friend. It was at the friend's house, friends were sleeping, and so was I, in the living room. Until the uncle came back in and put a knife to my throat so I wouldn't scream for help. Thankfully he never ended up seriously hurting me with the knife.

I'm a very analytical person, so unfortunately I'm running this whole thing through that filter. I'm trying to make sense of a senseless situation.

I'm a single expat in a Muslim country (living with a host family, I'm in my mid-20s), so I have limited resources. I was able to get the morning after pill, and took 2 Norlevo within 13 hours of the incident, and I plan on getting tested for STDs in a few weeks (is that how long I have to wait?). However, counseling services, support groups, etc. (especially in English) are hard to find. I only have one real English speaking friend here.

I decided not to press charges. My host family and I spoke to a lawyer, and I was very discouraged. They said that because a) he wasn't a complete stranger and b) he never cut/stabbed/scratched me, I have no evidence. They said that here, in this country, it will be a months-long process (which will destroy the lives of both myself, and the host family), and it's almost certain that at the end, he will walk, without charges. The police won't believe me, they said. Also, here in this country, it is CERTAIN to hit the TV and tabloids ("local man raped foreign girl... or did he?") and I would NOT be able to deal with that.

Since I decided not to go to the police, a few people here have "taken things into their own hands"... specifically spending a little over 2 hours "teaching the bastard a lesson". I did not ask for this (and frankly, feel both horrible and glad about it). However, I am probably the only person who could speak up and save his life. I'm told this is how things work in this country, but part of my heart is crying out for mercy for him. I don't feel that it would be justice. But maybe I don't know how I feel.

I'm not sure what my question is, honestly, aside from "what next?" To any rape survivors out there, what online resources did you find most useful? What music did you find the most healing? What words did you find most effective to tell all those damn HAPPY people to go away, when all you really wanted to say was "F*** OFF!". How did you take care of yourself? I'm definitely triggered by a bunch of things, including trying to use a knife in the kitchen.. but i don't know whether that's because i really AM triggered by these things, or i subconsciously feel like I'm somehow "supposed to" be...

How did you figure out what to feel... I don't even know what I'm SUPPOSED to feel right now. Emotionally, I think I'm fine, and then 20 minutes later I break down in hysterics. In general, I think I'm a very strong person: I survived 15 years of abuse from my father, a near-kidnapping in Africa, and though I have pretty bad schizo affective disorder, I'm very high functioning. I know how to deal with crap in my life, and I know I'll eventually get through this ok. I will be moving to a different Muslim country in a few months, but going "home" to North America is not an option. I don't have the money, and I don't want to be anywhere near my father.

So yeah, I guess I just want to know "What next?" I'm a protestant christian, so any Christ-centered resources would also help. Thank you.

Throwaway email: joisurvivor@gmail.com

Where can I connect with other survivors?

Anonymous — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 19:26:17 -0800

I need recommendations for a group for survivors of violent crime and or sexual assault. I am in the Glendale/Burbank area. If it is relevant, I am a woman in her thirties. I have googled, but I would like a more personal recommendation. Also, I've never been to something like this before, so if anyone can tell me what to expect, I would be grateful.

Sexual Assault in NYC: how to address medical incompetence and find better resources for women?

zoomorphic — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:28:01 -0800

Awful Filter: What are the best women's crisis centers in NYC who address rape survivors? How can I locate affordable therapy in New York for a rape survivor? How do I call attention to hospital incompetence and unqualified social workers? Much, much more inside. A friend, "Jane," was raped last week by a guy she met through work who asked her out for drinks under the pretense of discussing job opportunities. They got very drunk and wound up at his place, but Jane firmly said "no" when he initiated sex. He ignored her even when she repeated "no" multiple times as he raped her. Afterward he was clearly unaware of (or uninterested in) the damage he'd perpetrated, as he suggested they go out again before he moved to another state in a few days. Jane said she never wanted to see him again and went home.

Over the next two days, our friend persuaded Jane to go to the hospital for an examination and potentially to contact authorities. They went to the Coney Island hospital because a reputable website listed it as a S.A.F.E. center. They were directed to a special room where Jane told her story again and again, only to be asked as many times if she was "sure" she wanted a rape kit because it took 3 hours and Jane had waited almost 3 days to seek medical attention. The doctor and secretary also misinformed Jane that if she took the rape kit, she'd be forced to contact authorities. Jane balked because she didn't know yet what pressing charges entailed, but luckily our friend knew better and corrected the situation. She then waited 4-5 hours for a time-sensitive test that is only useful during the first 96 hours after a rape. During the examination, hospital staff repeatedly and rudely badgered her to make up her mind about pressing charges. She also met with a social worker, aka the S.A.F.E. adviser assigned to offer "psycho-social and legal support," but the woman didn't even know what date rape was. The hospital coordinator curtly asked her--in the middle of the ER--if she was "sure" she wanted to call the cops. He incorrectly chastised her for coming into the hospital earlier and then leaving (untrue--so one wonders if another woman was too alienated by this incompetence and changed her mind). When Jane decided to notify the police, the staff didn't call them for much longer. No one offered her the required information about counseling services, but suggested that she could visit the same social worker again (the one who couldn't define date rape) in another week or two.

In the aftermath: Surely there are better services in New York City for sexual assault survivors. Jane has been remarkably calm and sanguine given the circumstances, but obviously she still needs solid, specialized therapy, especially if she crashes. She's not employed, so we need information about affordable/free counseling. My friend and I are also willing to jointly pay for a good private therapist if you have any suggestions.

As a rape survivor and women's center volunteer, I know that Jane didn't receive adequate care from a hospital that is purportedly an accredited S.A.F.E. center. Jane, our friend and I want to address this hospital's incompetence and insensitivity as quickly and effectively as possible. I've already called NYC Alliance to get it removed from their list as a S.A.F.E. center. We want to make sure that social worker never counsels another rape victim again. I want to know how SAFE centers are certified and why a hospital can so manifestly fail at helping women. How do I go about this?

Lastly, Jane decided to not immediately press charges. I understand her decision, but everyone is naturally concerned that the guy could repeat his actions on someone else. If she decides to let him off the hook, she has expressed interest in contact him to let him know that he did indeed rape her and that she was seriously considering pursuing legal recourse. She'd probably email him from a throwaway account and then spam his email at her regular email address. To me, this sounds therapeutic but potentially damaging, especially he finds a way around that spam filter.

Apologies for this diffuse question. To sum up, I'm looking for:

-ways to address hospital incompetence in the wake of sexual assault
-recommendations for resources tailored to victims of sexual violence
-recommendations for therapists, either free or private and sliding scale
-any advice whatsoever regarding the final paragraph.

Thanks in advance.

How did Kyle Payne get caught?

TigerCrane — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 11:24:23 -0800

How did Kyle Payne get caught?

Ever since I was raped, I can only get off to violent rape fantasies

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:48:51 -0800

How can I come during sex with my boyfriend? I find it impossible to reach orgasm unless I'm doing it myself, with extreme, violent fantasies. I've tried fantasizing about the same stuff during sex, but it's hard to reconcile with the reality of my gentle, loving boyfriend, even if we have rough sex or (to a degree) act out the fantasy. When I was 17, I was raped by two men. One of them had a knife, with which he made shallow cuts on my breasts, arms, and neck. During the assault, I didn't know they were shallow and I was afraid he was going to kill me. FWIW, one of the men was an acquaintance and his friend was a stranger.

For about three years afterward, I did not date or have sex, and rarely masturbated. I started dating again when I was 20, and I'm 25 now. I've been with my current, amazing boyfriend for two years, and he's the first man with whom I've been able to actually enjoy sex. Since the assault, I haven't been able to come during oral sex or intercourse, and the only way I can climax is through masturbation while thinking about violent rape and/or breast mutilation. I've tried reverting to the type of fantasies I used to have (oral sex, romantic love, sensual massage), but it doesn't do anything for me anymore. Two of my high school boyfriends were able to get me off via fairly clumsy oral sex. Now, I'm so accustomed to only coming while thinking about slight variations on the violent rape theme. Though I know rape fantasies are common among rape victims and women in general, I do feel some guilt. Also, if might be relevant that I don't think about myself being raped; I think about a make-believe, doesn't-exist-IRL woman being raped. Another factor is that even though my boyfriend is wonderful and we are in love, I sometimes have this irrational feeling that no man truly cares about a woman, and that the secret truth is that women are nothing but fuckholes that are fun to hurt.

The following techniques, during oral sex or intercourse (usually while he or I touch my clit), have not worked for me:
- rape fantasies
- lots of other fantasies (which don't get me off during masturbation, either)
- not thinking about anything and just focusing on the sensations
- roleplaying rape (a friend suggested this, and we've tried it a few times, but it usually results in one or both of us getting really upset)
- using a vibrator during sex (even the Hitachi Magic Wand doesn't do it, during sex)
- soft/romantic sex
- rough sex

I am in therapy, but I'm thinking of switching therapists. Also, my brother went to a hypnotherapist who helped him quit smoking and overcome a phobia, and he raves about her. She does hypnosis and "rapid eye movement therapy" (??) that she says have had success with victims of abuse and sexual assault, but it's expensive and I'm skeptical. I am in New York City. I would consider traveling up to an hour outside the city for an amazing therapist, especially if s/he takes Oxford insurance.

If you have any suggestions, I'll greatly appreciate them! Thanks!!

Throwaway e-mail at mefi.anon.mouse@gmail

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

Something is just... off.

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:30:09 -0800

I'm completely confused about why this is bothering me so much. Can you help me figure it out? My wonderful adorable boyfriend of several years has recently begun a D&D campaign with his friends, and their typically evil characters go around murdering, stealing, and raping. Why oh why do I have no problems with the first two in games, but become incredibly frustrated when I hear about that third? I've never had the misfortune to be a victim of such an act, although I did have some very unwanted contact in some past relationships and that could be affecting how I feel. But a game is a game, right? And we have zero problems with people going around stabbing each other in games, unless we're a group of religious fanatics. So... logically, is rape that much different..?

I have no idea what to think, and if this is a legitimate concern I should be bringing up with him, and if there are logical reasons for that concern to exist...

The boyfriend in question is, again, an amazing person who has treated me with utmost respect and love and kindness, and is constantly worrying over my safety. I am 100% sure that this is not something hidden in his personality that's going to manifest in real life. I think to him, it's just like killing others in a shooter game - he doesn't seem to think anything of it, because it's so separate from reality.

But... I don't even know what I'm asking at this point..! :) Would you find it understandable to be concerned? And how can I better understand what it is that creates this separation between these different violent (virtual) acts?

Rape records from early US history

billtron — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 10:26:06 -0800

Where can I find antebellum white-on-black rape statistics? How would you go about finding such things, given that slaves were considered property and, consequently, rape was charged, if ever, as trespassing on the owner's private property. Do archives exist in which criminal justice records from before 1865 would provide evidence that such crimes took place?

Say it aint so, C.G.: What kind of man was Jung?

bunky — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 00:57:17 -0800

I recently heard a rumor that Carl Gustav Jung would rape female patients and hypnotize them so they would have no memory of the attack. Is there any truth to this, or is this the sort of story professional rivals spread to discredit his ideas?

Plug your favorite band!

levijk — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 10:45:09 -0800

Looking for indie song suggestions for a community radio public affairs show. A friend needs music for his fledgling bilingual (english/spanish) radio show on violence prevention. Since my previous question I've learned it is the radio station's policy to broadcast a bare minimum of 80% independent or local (South Puget Sound area, e.g. Seattle) artists. Any song suggestions that fit these criteria are welcome. Also any DJ resources you can suggest so I can do my own searches would be great.

How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:10:46 -0800

How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago? My mother was sexually assaulted on a date when she was a teenager. Despite seeing various therapists, she is still haunted by the incident and mentions it frequently and in seemingly unrelated conversations, (ie. she will start a sentence with; "Well, when I was raped..."). I'm sympathetic to the situation and have tried to be a good listener. The incident had a huge, negative effect on her life, her self-esteem and the way she views her body and her sexuality. My mother has had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety and I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. At this point, she is resistant to getting any further psychological treatment and gets incredibly defensive when the issue is mentioned. She adamantly believes that there is nothing the matter and that she's perfectly fine. She's adverse to any kind of support group (I've tried).

She first told me of this incident in her life when I was 11, during a 'birds and the bees' sort of talk. She frequently brought the assault up, in increasing detail during my teenage years. In a way, knowing that this terrible thing happened proved to be a cautionary tale for my own life as I began to date and it helped me to understand my mother and some of her behaviors. On the other hand, I feel that constantly hearing about my mother being victimized really messed with me and probably contributed to me spending my teens and early 20s as an angry, depressed, sexually aggressive, and promiscuous young woman. It's almost like my mother's trauma was super-imposed onto my life for awhile. Yes, I've been through loads of therapy to discuss these issues and have grown into a relatively happy, stable adult.

So it is 40 years after the assault and my mom still brings it up in regular conversations, particularly when she is feeling some of the same feelings that she felt back then: powerless, scared, or victimized...which seems to be a lot lately.

I have two pre-teen nieces and I want to protect them from having to hear repeatedly all about how my mom was raped as a teenager. I don't want my nieces to have to carry the same psychological burden on their shoulders as I did.

I need help coming up with some gentle, sensitive and diplomatic things to say to my mom to let her know how that yes, we do care about her and that we'd like to help her cope with the memories of the assault, but also to utilize some discretion when discussing it.

Rape, law, & evidence

fucker — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:24:39 -0800

Rape and the legal system: I am confused about how the crime of rape is typically handled in the criminal justice system. Obviously rape is a horrible crime for the victim (male or female), but superficially, in my mind, it is a virtually unprovable crime because it happens between two adults in private in a manner that cannot easily be distinguished from consensual sex from the vantage point of third parties who are not witnesses. Some possible evidence, for example, might be indications of force on the body (say bruises on the neck or arms), although even this becomes murky with the fact that many people consensually participate in and prefer "rough sex". Another kind of evidence might be unusual circumstances, say a married woman assaulted by a stranger at night in a public park. To a third-party non-witness this would seem suspiciously nonconsensual. But then again 1) many married people have sex with people who are not their spouses, 2) many people often have sex with strangers, and 3) many people often have sex in public places (hell, I've personally had sneaky night sex in the park!).

So one question is are these "suspicious signs" used as "evidence" in court cases, and can they really justifiably be used as "evidence" since they are all based on prejudices or folk or statistical notions about what is "normal" sexual behavior? (how can 'averages' or tendencies establish whether something happened or not anyway. No one is average)

If they are used as "evidence" it seems like laws the prohibit the use of sexual history of the victim may or may not be counter-productive. After all, the "plausibility" that the victim would have sex with strangers in the park, or have bruises from sex can't be weighted until we begin to establish the victim's past sexual behaviors and preferences relating to these kinds of sexuality.

So, from my superficial vantage point, adjudicating rape has a certain tragic insolubility, being largely, necessarily the word of the accuser against the word of the accused.

I do see in some manner how this could apply to other crimes: 'Oh, I have her TV and jewelry... she told me I could take them!'. And perhaps less comparably: 'What, I broke the window to get in?... She told me to do that if I couldn't find my key.'

So my questions are: What kinds of evidence go into court cases concerning rape? Is this evidence more or less objective than evidence used in other crimes, that might not have the same extreme privacy and variability of sexual transactions? And perhaps more chat-filtery, but still important, is the evidence used in deciding rape cases (and perhaps other kinds of crime too) really 'evidence' at all? Can we really establish "beyond a reasonable doubt" that a private transaction was nonconsensual, or is it just a crude matter of fudging our notions of "plausibility" to side with one side or the other based on larger political currents?

Every two minutes...

levijk — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:35:57 -0800

Looking for music with an an anti-violence, anti-sexual assault message. A friend who works for a battered women's shelter has asked me to find music for his fledgling Spanish/English radio show. So far he's played music produced by Todd Denny which is geared toward youth, but music appealing to all demographics is sought. Spanish music is especially welcome.

talking with an ex?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:05:28 -0800

How to deal with a sensitive personal situation with an ex? An ex-girlfriend of mine just recently contacted me via email to tell me that near the end of our relationship (just over five years ago), she was very depressed and felt terrible about herself because, among other things, she was raped in our neighborhood.

At the time, I had no idea that this had happened, but did clearly notice her tremendous slide into depression. She had always been depressed, which I accepted, and I broke up with her other reasons (I couldn't see myself wanting to marry her, and we had been together long enough that it was the very next step).

Obviously, I want to be supportive, and to help her get closure. While we have both moved on, at one time we were in love. Although I had no clue that it had happened, my rejection of her after the event must have made what was already a bad breakup much worse for her. We haven't talked for years.

Hence, my question: Her psychologist suggested that she contact me and tell me about this incident and I don't know the best way to respond. I want to be supportive and caring. Contacting me seems like an attempt for closure that I want to provide.

Overcoming everything to start anew

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:00:56 -0800

TraumaFilter: what worked for you in overcoming PTSD, anxiety, depression? I've recently been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and depression (not my first depression diagnosis), and am seeing a therapist for CBT, EMDR, and hypnosis. Due to time and financial constraints, I can only see her for these every other week, because my two children (teens) and the three of us as a family are also having sessions (2 sessions a week is the limit my budget can handle).

I am not taking any prescription medication on a regular basis because my therapist doesn't approve, on the basis that they can be habit-forming and wants me to try homeopathic alternatives instead, which I don't trust. She's the 6th therapist/counselor I've seen in my life, the first I've been able to open up to, and I'm not optimistic about finding a better one, particularly in my area and on my insurance. I approached my GP over 3 years ago about my anxiety and she dismissed my concerns, insisting, "It's perfectly normal; everyone feels that way sometimes," and prescribed me first Pamelor for the depression (which did nothing) and then generic Wellbutrin (which raised my anxiety sky-high and didn't level out after months of taking it).

Because some of my trauma is medical, it is very difficult for me to go to a doctor, much less raise such concerns, and especially to assert myself in the face of disagreement. I do smoke pot sometimes to help with the anxiety, but only a little, as I do not like to feel out of control and don't want to be truly "stoned." I rarely drink alcohol. I have a friend who gave me a few of her Xanax and I have taken 1.5 of them, half at a time, over the last few months, when I was otherwise going to have to leave work because I was absolutely incapable of coping, but they are my absolute last resort because who knows when/if I could get more.

I'm having a really hard time making it through each day, doing my job, taking care of my kids as a single parent, trying to manage household stuff. I've had a series of triggering events over the last few years, each one leaving me in worse shape than the last. It's been several months since I went through an entire day without flashbacks. I frequently cry, seldom over current events, and it's become tremendously difficult to get out and socialize even with people I've known for a long time and feel safe with. I have diffuculty focusing well enough to watch a movie or read a book, much less meditate. I enjoy nothing. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. The constant influx of adrenaline leaves me drained. I have no one to take over any of my tasks for me, to provide relief at work or home. The kids do help out with chores, some, with lots of management by me.

Background, if it matters: 37 year old female in the U.S., particular traumas in my case involve child abuse, alcoholic parents, rapes and forced sodomy (multiple perpetrators and incidents over a period of years -- none under the category of "child molestation" or "incest": I was at least 15 and unrelated to all perps), domestic abuse (physical, psychological, and sexual by one partner, psychological only by another), medical traumas, and physical assault. I've never been protected by anyone, from anything.

So, with all this in mind, what do I do? What worked for you in overcoming anxiety, depression, and/or PTSD? What can I do with the other 335 hours between therapy appointments that can make my days more bearable? How do I reduce or eliminate the flashbacks and crying jags? How do I rebuild my concentration? How do I overcome the panic and flight instinct that keeps me from socializing? How do I make life worth living (no, I'm not suicidal)?

Throwaway email: traumamamadrama@gmail.com

Was I raped?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:31:03 -0800

Was I raped? This happened many years ago, but I guess there's something wrong with me because I can't forget about it.

When I was 17 and I had just moved out of my parents' house, I had a male roommate. I guess I was high on my new freedoms as an adult in my own place, because after just a few months, I slept with him. He was my first.

It seemed like he changed dramatically after that. I wore skirts a lot back then, and he would often come up behind me, push one hand on my back to bend me over and lift up my skirt. I felt so utterly worthless when he did that. I didn't say anything, but just gave him a really hurt look. He just laughed, but it was a playful laugh rather than a mean laugh. After I got used to it, I just gritted my teeth and kept my head down. I started getting really jumpy and nervous whenever I heard something behind me, and he laughed at that, too.

Then, one time, I happened to be sitting in front of his web cam, which I didn't know was on. I was wearing the "choker" style of necklace. He took the leash for his dog, attached it to my necklace and posed for the web cam, holding it. It happened so fast and just kind of shocked me, and I didn't know how to respond. I just covered my face and giggled a lot, which is the stupid response I usually have when I'm freaked out and don't know what to do. The next day, I saw that someone had posted screenshots of that event on a forum. The worst thing is that it looked like I was smiling, but I was actually laughing nervously because I felt so humiliated.

After that, I spent pretty much all the time in my room crying. I know it's silly to get so bent out of shape, but I'm unstable or something. I thought that my friends were all mad at me or something, because I didn't hear from them for ages. I later found out that until I started acting normal again, he told anyone who called that I was "hormonal or something" and that I'm refusing to talk to anybody. I did get disproportionally upset, so I see where he was coming from, but I never refused to talk to him or anyone else, so I don't get that. He also kept e-mailing me porn at this time, even though he knew that I hate porn and find it disgusting. I think he was mad that I wasn't so available anymore.

A little over a year after this all started, I decided I didn't deserve this treatment and moved out. The day before I moved out, I woke up to find him sitting on my bed and touching me. I was sleeping in the nude. I didn't do anything but just put my arms over my face and stayed still. He climbed on top of me and had sex with me.

So...I just want to know. Was this rape? And if not, then why am I being such a freak about it? And even if so, why am I still being such a freak about it nearly 8 years later?

I can see you.

greytape — Wed, 21 May 2008 10:14:54 -0800

Why haven't (or to what extent have) prisons embraced video technology? From time to time I hear about prison violence, and it disturbs me. Seems to me that prison fucks people up a lot more than it helps them, and that can't be much good for society.
But I'm surprised that cctv cameras haven't revolutionised prisons. Simply install cameras to cover every square inch of space in the prison, and if any inmate is caught breaking the rules they are taken to solitary confinement. No beatings from the guards, no exceptions. Wouldn't this be a great idea?
We have the ability to construct the Panopticon yet as far as I know, it just hasn't been taken. Am I wrong? Or are my ideas just wildly impractical for a few obvious reasons? And just how are prisons being reformed for the 21st century, or are they not?
Thanks in advance.

The lesser of two evils?

sixcolors — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:06:38 -0800

Is a young woman more likely to get killed/injured in a car crash or a violent crime? As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I like to hangout downtown and places near there. In my opinion, that's where the best restaurants and bars are. I'm not a big fan of highways, so take back roads.

My parents HATE for me to go down there, especially alone. They are afraid that I will get robbed, raped, carjacked, or have my car shot at. My dad tries to talk me into carpooling with people. There are nights that I recieve up to three text messages from my mother, checking to see if I'm okay.

I'm in my mid-twenties, and I think I have good personal safety skills. Driving alone in sketchy neighborhoods don't scare me too much. I avoid driving residentual areas, choose routes where there's open stores/restaurants/stations in case my car breaks down, and I try to come and leave places with other people even if I don't know them so I won't be alone on parking lots. I make sure that I have my cell phone.

Now, what scares ME is car crashes. Out of all of my friends, I've been in the least amount of accidents. I wouldn't consider them as bad drivers, but the like to drive really really fast. They also prefer highways to back roads. Personally, I think highways tend to be more dangerous. The speed limit is higher, it is loaded with fatigued/sleepy travelers, and the time to react is shorter. I'd rather just drive by myself. As for violent crimes, I think I remember reading several times that women are more likely to be a victim of violent crime from people they know, not just random people out in the streets.

So, do automobiles or "scary streets" pose more danger to young women?

how to be there for a friend who was raped

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:01:52 -0800

What can I do to help a friend who was a victim of sexual assault? A close friend of mine was raped by acquaintances this weekend and I'm struggling with how to help her. From what she remembers it sounds like she was drugged and then taken back to an unknown apartment before being raped, and waking up in the morning alone. Her boyfriend is also a close friend and had called me worried when his girlfriend didn't come home from the bar she had gone out to that night. And he called in the morning to see if I could come help out as moral support for him and his girlfriend.

We took her to the hospital yesterday for a full exam and she's already spoken to an amazing woman from social services who gave her information about the hospital's counseling services. She's receptive to the idea of using the counseling services; but she doesn't want anyone else to know about the rape, so besides myself, her boyfriend, and her best friend (who lives about 4 hours away from us) I don't think she'll have any friends to talk to.

She's on the fence about pressing charges, but knows enough contact information for the people involved that I think the police would be able to find them (she talked to the cops at the hospital, and her clothes were taken as potential evidence along with the results of whatever tests they did at the hospital). She doesn't remember everything, and the counselor told us that more things might come back and that we should encourage her to write everything down. It sounds like the people involved might do this regularly (she remembers video equipment and it doesn't sound like the apartment was anyone's house) and I hope she'll decide to press charges, but I think that's a pretty scary thing for her to think about right now and I absolutely don't want to pressure her at all.

I don't know how to talk to her about all of this though. I've told her that I'm totally down to talk to her about it if she wants, or just to come hang out with her and not talk about it if she wants that. But I don't want it to be this huge elephant in the room if she doesn't want to talk about it and I just don't know what the best thing I can do for her at this point is. Do I wait for her to bring it up? Ask how she's doing with it all? Some other option?

If anyone has any advice they don't want to share personally I've set up an email address: adviceforfriend@gmail.com

child abuse and the statute of limitations

prk14 — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 10:23:10 -0800

Questions about child abuse and the statute of limitations (unpleasant details inside) My wife (age 24) recently admitted that between the ages of 6 and 12 when she visited her grandparents every summer she was regularly molested by one uncle and raped on occasion by another.

Obviously I was shocked to hear this but I have no reason to doubt her and her behavior fits the pattern that is displayed by victims of such crimes.

These events happened between 1989-1995 in Montana. I know that the perpetrators still have children in their own houses and at least one of them shows signs of abuse (i suspect of sexual nature).

A couple of questions. Now that my wife has finally shared this with me what type of legal recourse do we have against her child rapist uncle and her child molesting uncle? Is there a statue of limitations on such crimes and is it even possible to prove anything at this point?

Also, what do I do about my cousin-in-law who lives with the molesting (not the raping) uncle? Is it my place to blow the whistle? If anything like what happened to my wife is happening to him I cannot just stand by and let it happen. Just not sure how to go about it or who to call.

I was raped earlier this year while doing long-term volunteer work in a foreign country... Do I tell the organization?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 10:46:20 -0800

I was raped earlier this year while doing long-term volunteer work in a foreign country... Do I tell the organization? I chose to complete my time and not inform the organization, though a couple of other volunteers know. There are known issues with safety in the country I was in because of extreme isolation. Recently, I have considered coming forward, but the whole program could be pulled in the country- in the least, I believe my replacement would be removed. I have no desire to take any legal action- in the US or otherwise, and I worry that the organization will become very defensive if I come forward. I do feel it is my duty to help protect locals and volunteers and the "obvious" thing is to talk, but I also feel a duty to the children and communities who may be hurt if I do. Perhaps what happens after is not my responsibility, but I couldn't ignore it because I still feel very attached to the people. Of course no one can tell me what to do, but the input of others has helped me already. I guess I just want to know what you think. Thank you.

Please understand that staying there and then keeping this to myself was a difficult decision, but it was the best at the time. I still feel it was what I needed to do and there is not a way that I could explain here. I have support now that I am back at home and the people close to me know what happened.

My friend was accused of a crime I don't think he committed. What does he do? What do I do?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 07:12:57 -0800

My friend has been accused of rape, which I think is absurd. Need legal advice for him (especially from anyone familiar with the U.S. military court system) and emotional advice for me. I tried to keep it simple but it’s such a messy story….

I became friends with this guy, who is enlisted in the military) last fall. He is married and has a child. He doesn’t live with his wife, and he goes back and forth as to whether he ought to divorce her. He has not exactly been faithful – and I’m one of several instances of this. We had a relationship of sorts for a few months, but it’s over now. We tried to remain friends, but currently our only contact is a phone call every few days.

What happened, as he explained it to me at least, is this: he went out for drinks with a girl, they got ridiculously drunk, and then they came home, and passed out. When they woke up in the morning everything seemed fine. Then a few days later, she was claimed he had raped her. He has no memory of having sex with her at all, much less taking advantage of her. I completely trust him and don’t believe he would be capable of doing something so horrible (and I’ll admit to usually being the sort of person who too quickly leaps to the defense of the alleged victim, not the accused, probably because of things female friends of mine have experienced).

So the possibilities here are:
- He didn’t do it and that girl is making it all up
- He’s a liar and I’m an idiot for believing him for so long
- And here’s the wild card: could he have been asleep (previously on AskMe)? His wife has told him that he tried to initiate sex with her in his sleep and I’m reasonably certain that he attempted to do this with me one time – I asked him about it in the morning and had no recollection of it. I know there’s not a lot of research out there on this yet, but the previous AskMe question about it makes it look pretty common (and there was a Newsweek story a month or so ago about this too). Maybe this is completely ridiculous, or maybe it explains why he doesn't remember doing anything with her. I don’t know. If it matters, I think he also suffers from some level of PTSD, which may have messed with his sleep patterns in some way – he says the sleep-sex didn’t use to happen before he went to Iraq (neither, incidentally, did the teeth-grinding in his sleep).

The thing is, it’s being tried in military, not civilian, court, and as I understand it, there’s a lot more burden on him to prove that he didn’t do it than there would be in civilian court, in which case it’d be more up to the girl to prove that he did. As far as I can tell it’s one of those he-said-she-said things, with no physical evidence, and yet his lawyers seem to think he’s pretty much screwed. They thought about trying to use the sleep-sex thing as a defense, but it seemed like such a shot in the dark, what with the limited research out there right now, that it would be too big of a risk – if convicted, he not only could spend a few years in jail, but would also lose his rank, his family’s health insurance, his education benefits, everything he’s worked for. So they’re thinking about making some sort of deal in which he’ll be charged with something smaller (indecent acts, I think?), plead guilty, serve a shorter sentence, and keep all of his benefits, etc.
We were hoping to find some fancy civilian lawyer who might have a better shot at getting him out of all this, but that has proven to be much too expensive to be feasible.

Meanwhile, I am torn between trying to extricate myself from this very messy situation I’ve gotten myself into (I know I was wrong to get involved with a married man, and I hated keeping things secret from family, friends, coworkers, etc., and I wish I could move on with my life) and on the other hand I want to be there for this very sweet, lost boy who has been a very good friend to me and who is getting royally screwed by the system. I know he’s made some pretty major mistakes in his life, and I’m sure a lot of you aren’t feeling too much sympathy for either of us. All I can say is that he’s very young (early 20’s) and very scared, and he’s worked so hard to overcome so many things to be where he is now (he’s essentially an orphan, his whole family is completely fucked up (drugs, trouble with the law, etc.), and he doesn’t really have any sources of support other than me) that it seems especially unfair for everything to be taken away from him now. He wants to fix things: to resolve or peacefully end things with his wife, to be a good father, to get a degree, to get out of the military and get another job, and to make a difference in the world. And so I hate it for him that this crime that he didn’t commit is going to set his plans back so severely.

I would do anything to help him, but I feel completely lost. So here I am.
I’m not even quite sure what my question is. Maybe it’s a bunch of questions.
What should he do? Is it worth pursuing the sleep-sex defense, or is it much too risky, and he should just make a deal (the latter seems more practical, but it’s so painfully unfair…).
Is there something else that can be done that he hasn’t thought of with regards to his defense?
Does this sound more or less like how a military court works, or is there maybe something he’s not telling me? As much as I trust him, I get scared occasionally that I’m being completely naïve in some way.
How do I deal with the stress of constantly worrying about my friend, who is almost certainly going to jail?
Do we just both deserve this mess? Even though he didn’t rape anyone, is this life catching up with him for all the mistakes he’s made, and with me for getting involved with him?
Help.

Can you be prepared for sexual assault?

sarahkeebs — Sat, 23 Dec 2006 11:56:57 -0800

Can people be trained to better withstand or recover faster from sexual assault? I'm thinking specifically of people being sent into situations where being sexually assaulted is a high risk (e.g. law-enforcement undercover in the sex-trade, humanitarian aid workers in combat zones, soldiers)... My understanding is that, physical trauma aside, a lot of the psychological damage comes from feelings of guilt...can people be prepared beforehand for this? I know American soldiers may be trained to withstand interrogation techniques (including "sexual embarrassment"), but this is not explicitly mentioned.

The obvious follow-up questions: a) is it at all effective (I assume it wouldn't be 100% effective) and b) is this training actually done?