Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with queer

Alternative queer venues in NYC?

dontjumplarry — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 06:27:14 -0800

Off to NYC at the end of the month...looking for recommendations for alternative or quirky queer venues and performances to check out. Think: non-mainstream drag, burlesque shows, bars, one-off club nights, shows, concerts, all-leather-queen-productions-of-Sound-of-Music and other uncategorisable performance art strangeness.

Lesbian assault help

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:00:09 -0800

My first lesbian experience quickly became assault. What do I do to take care of myself now? While I'm a queer female, I've never actually been with a woman before. I was at an event that promoted safe exploration of female sexuality. I'd sussed out the org for a while and did research before going in; they had a long list of rules and procedures and had a history of organising such events so I figured I'd be OK.

I spent most of the night observing what was going on before jumping in. Unfortunately I happened to get the one psycho of the group - a crazy hyperactive (later I found out she was drunk) girl who didn't know what she was going, was rough to the point of pain and bleeding, and was very insistent. Despite me begging her to stop and be gentle (she knew it was my first time), she kept going, or she'd change up and then go back to being rough and painful.

I was in near shock and it didn't hit me that it was assault until I got into the taxi home and started crying. Ever since then I've been having flashes of memories, the smell of people's bodies would set me off, and I just feel so lost.

I've been talking to some friends (esp those active with the queer community here) and they've been fantastic with support and resources. But I'm not sure where I can go for help. Looking up "lesbian assault" on Google gets me porn. A lot of the abuse/assault resources are for women attacked by men; not so much for women attacked by women.

I've emailed the organiser (though I think she knew what happened already, just emphasising the gravity of the situation) and I have a doctor's appointment today to check that there hasn't been terrible damage. I did use to see a psychologist for other things, but I'm not sure if queer sexuality is an area she's experienced in. But where to now? I'm going to a big family event overseas in a couple of weeks and they're really conservative (even my very liberal sister was a little bit judgemental when I told her) and I don't want to start breaking down halfway through the event. My boyfriend has been really supportive of everything, but I don't want to rely on him alone for help.

What can I do to take care of myself? Where can I go? (I live in Brisbane) I seem to go from feeling OK to feeling like crap as a yoyo. I keep feeling like I should apologize to someone but I don't know who. I don't want to press charges - I don't want to go through that whole process and I hardly remember the other girl's name. I just want to be able to heal.

Emails can be sent into agirlinpain@care2.com

Previously straight-acting queer girl needs the dating 411!

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:16:38 -0800

I have a first date with a girl coming up, which is awesome and I'm psyched. Only... I've never dated girls before! Help! I realize that I should just "be myself" and such, but I'm nervous. I've always identified as queer and have kissed a few ladies in my time, but I've never dated another girl before and I'm kind of terrified that I'll make an ass out of myself.

I've had a series of long term relationships in the past, all with men. Should I mention that at the get go? The girl that I'm meeting identifies as gay (we met online) and I fear the stigma that can come with not having been a 'serious' lesbian, whatever that means. Also: are there signals that are commonly accepted among women as far as flirting and such? I feel like I'm sixteen again!

(Yes, I realize I'm probably overthinking this, I just really want this to go well!)

crazy little thing called the love that dare not speak its name

Jon_Evil — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:16:55 -0800

I need some academically credible synonyms for same-sex erotic activity that are less ambiguous than "gay sex" and less clinical-sounding than "homosexual contact." I'm helping to revise a 30-year-old book about human sexuality for re-publication, and the state of homo-politico-linguistics has changed considerably. The author refers to "gays" as a demographic group, but sometimes he's talking about only exclusively homosexual-identifying men, and sometimes about anyone of any gender that's ever slipped a bit towards the right of the Kinsey scale. He uses "gay sex" in a similarly inconsistent way.

The problem with "Queer" and its derivatives is that it's still a loaded term, and while pretty much everyone under thirty sees it as a positive description, older people (including the author) see it as a slur.

Just to be clear, I'm not looking for names of specific acts, but a generalized term for everything along the spectrum from kissing to fisting, just as long as you keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.

Body and beats, for whom does he stain his sheets?

Jon_Evil — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 20:17:23 -0800

Celebrity Sexual Preference-filter: Does Gordon Gano, singer of the Violent Femmes, like boys, girls, or both?

Boston or Chicago for the gay guy on the go?

sevenyearlurk — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:36:15 -0800

Boston or Chicago -- which is the better city for the gay traveler? I'm starting to think about a little getaway weekend in the fall, and some quick snooping suggests that Boston or Chicago might be decent options. They're both appealing, but I don't know a lot about either one.

Which city would be more worth my while? I'm gay, mid-thirties, I like going to gay bars (more pubby, less dancey, generally) but I also like museums, galleries, hanging out in cafes, and good food. I'm really thinking about a whirlwind trip -- fly in Friday evening, fly out Monday... but could certainly tack on an extra day or two. I'm currently in Toronto.

Please, hope me decide!

Dyke seeks suit.

Anonymous — Wed, 27 May 2009 14:34:30 -0800

Lesbian seeks men's (or men's-like) suit in Montréal ASAP. Other non-location-specific genderqueer shopping advice appreciated. I need a suit by the weekend and am a terrible shopper. Where can I get something that will fit nicely and not make me look like a kid playing dressup in her father's closet? Can I get something tailored that fast? What (preferably) Canadian retailers are good for androgynous but sexy women?

(Anon because I'm pretty out, but not entirely out.)

Chasing down some hot European sex

Anonymous — Mon, 25 May 2009 12:39:31 -0800

American male/female swinger couple stranded in London next month. Where's the best fun? We're a mid-twenties married couple seeking straight and queer-friendly sexy fun while in London on business. He is bi-curious and to even suggest that in most swing clubs will get you beaten up or kicked out (male homophobic behavior and chauvinism abounds). As much as they proclaim otherwise, most swing clubs are all about being thin and fake-looking and fucking like a porn star for the benefit of the men present.

Lifestyle and kinky folks, where can we find the hottest and least prudish sexual shenanigans in London? Ideas for anything from sex shops (there's so many; where to start?) to burlesque joints to sex clubs are welcome.

Throwaway e-mail: londonhumping@gmail.com

Are there dating websites that disregard gender?

salem — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 15:41:56 -0800

Are there dating websites out there (other than OkCupid - the only one that seems to work) that allow one to search for people without declaring which gender you're searching for? As a queer who dates around the gender spectrum, limiting my searches to just "me seeking men" or "me seeking women" seems unnecessary.

Follow up -- what do those who don't identify as either "Women" or "Men" tend to do in this situation? I'd like to date you too.

Notable Gay Women in the LGBT Rights Movement?

crossoverman — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 16:45:18 -0800

Where are the lesbians in the history of the Gay Rights Movement? After seeing Milk over the weekend, I realised that my knowledge of gay women in the Gay Rights Movement is very poor. Much of the well-known notable points in gay history are male-oriented - Stonewall, Harvey Milk, Matthew Sheppard. Even the AIDS crisis devastated the gay male community more than the gay female community.

Who is the gay female equivalent of Harvey Milk? Regarding his position in government, not his assassination.

The film itself almost entirely excludes women, except for one notable lesbian character - Anne Kronenberg. Was this really representative of that era? Or of Castro Street in particular?

Educate me on the more notable names of gay women in the history of the LGBT Rights Movement.

Put on your red shoes and dance the blues!

fracas — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 19:58:45 -0800

Where do the cool queer kids go in Chicago when they want to really dance? I want to go club dancing in Chicago at a fun venue with great music and an energetic crowd who are there to dance. Not to drink, not to stumble around looking for a hookup in the bathroom, not to text furiously all night, but to dance until everyone's sweaty and laughing and flirting with everything in sight. Super-big bonus points for a mixed GLBTQ crowd, but it's not 100% necessary. Good solid DJs are a must. And for what it's worth, I'm definitely open to all-ages clubs.

I've been to Formerly Known As at Michelle's Big Chicks on N Sheridan (linkage) a few times, and while the crowd is great the music has been so-so lately and it seems that everyone is doing that shuffle around in place thing but no one's really dancing.

So AskMe folks, where do I go to bust some mad moves with a group of like-minded folks?

Why do straights use the word "partner"?

iliketolaughalot — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:33:48 -0800

I want to know more about the use of the word "partner," especially for straight couples... ...because we really just want to know if you're gay!

I was at a meeting of my (social work) school's gender and sexuality group, and a guy mentioned talking to a woman who mentioned her partner. Then she referred to said partner as "he," making it obvious that they were a straight couple. Usually, when someone talks about a partner, that's because that partner is the same gender. We talked about it for a minute, guessing that the woman just wanted to be sensitive after the (gay) guy talked about his partner. But I'm not satiated!

I realized I've heard this before. Do people do this for political correctness? What about the fact that the word "partner" exists because of the lack of legal recognition (save for CA and MA, fingers crossed for the prop in CA) of marriage? Isn't it a little bit awkward for straights? Is he/she your boyfriend or your husband? Sure, that's a privileged distinction, but still one that is accurate.

We queers want to know if you're on our team, and that's not helping! Can you explain?

What should I tell people about my sexuality?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 10:31:22 -0800

I don't like labeling my sexuality, but other people seem to want me to do so. How do I deflect them? I'm a 24 year old female who's been in a happy long term relationship with a male for six years. Everything is hunky-dory, couplewise. I didn't have a ton of sexual experience before him--I was very shy in high school--and he's the only person I've had sex with. Good sex, too!

Despite this, I'm positive that my sexuality falls somewhere in the queer spectrum. I'm attracted to both men and women, but more, I'm attracted to people as individuals. Erotica of all sorts of couplings is good fun for me. I've had sex dreams about people of all kinds of different genders. Honestly, when looking at people's actual bodies (nude beaches, anyone?) I'm hard pressed to see any major differences between men or women physically. I mean, they're just bodies, you know? I should note that my SO and I are happily monogamous, and monogamy is important to me. I have no intentions to explore my thoughts about women--any more than I intend to explore my thoughts about other men. SO is comfortable with my sexuality.

But other people, especially men, don't seem to be. Sometimes I check people out and talk about men or women being attractive. The girls I know are fine with this, but the men will usually immediately ask if I'm bi. I don't like identifying myself as bisexual because men, even men I've been friends with for awhile, often seem to take that as an invitation to ask me to make out with girls in front of them. Or to make comments that are just lascivious. Yuck. It's not about you, dudes. Also, if I call myself bisexual, people get up in arms about the fact that I haven't been with a woman. Or they assume my relationship is poly. Any time I've tried to tell people that I'm queer, it's necessitated a long conversation defining the term. And a couple men have just concluded that it all just means that I'm plain old bi. Or straight. Take your pick.

What's more, my sister is queer, and runs with a queer crowd. I enjoy hanging out with them and feel generally good and comfy in queer culture--except my sister, particularly, seems to want to label me as straight. She'll say things like "You can wear these Tevas because you're straight, so you won't look like a lesbian." When I tell her that I don't consider myself straight, she tells me that since I'm with a man, I'm straight. Maybe she thinks I'm being a poseur? I'll admit that this could be somewhat my fault--when I was younger, I was defensive of my own sexuality. I had short hair growing up and was called a dyke through most of middle and high school. For a long time I would just obstinately declare that I liked only men, mostly as a reaction to this. This could be the source of my aversion to any labeling.

Am I being neurotic? I entertain the idea that I am, but I really dislike all of these danged labels--they don't feel like they're me. Mefites, do you have any tips on what to say when I'm pressed to define myself--something that's honest, but that men won't take as a come-on? And, if it comes up with my sister again, how do I talk to her about it?

You're so gay, and you don't even like boys... ???

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:43:26 -0800

I fell in love with my best friend, who is a guy. I’m a young bisexual guy. Apparently, he is not. Did the “wrong thing” and told him about how I felt, and was rejected, but things seemed okay afterward. However, I’m still hurting, I’m feeling delusional about it, and sometimes I think that he inadvertently isn’t helping… how do I live with my best friend now? Help me, Metafilter! I think one of the major issues in me getting past what happened was how many positive signs of success I thought I was seeing prior to the big moment. Worse, these signals have continued so strongly after the fact that individuals ignorant as to the overall situation have begun to take notice. Let’s call my friend James. Before I started being romantically attracted to him, my “gaydar” (apologies for invoking this concept) had gone off on him, as had those of all other LGB friends who know him. In addition, I had known him to have three romantic interactions (at the very least heavy kissing, petting, etc., if not oral sex) with a male friend of ours that hadn’t even occurred while drunk. Off the bat, I was primed to think of him as a queer man, someone who definitely wasn’t a “0” on the Kinsey scale.

We’ve known each other for almost three years now, and especially since about a seven months ago, James and I have had one of the strongest interpersonal relationships of my life… we clicked really famously on the friendship front. For about two years, I hadn’t been romantically attracted to him, but then a switch flicked on and the strong feelings of friendship toward him began to give rise to desires for more intimate bonds between us. Realizing how bad the situation could get, I kept these feelings (and my sexuality) under wraps for several months, until he began one long, intense phone conversation with me out of the blue. He opened up to me in a thousand new ways and began to praise me heavily, giving me an events timeline (???) of when exactly he was feeling more and more personally intimate with me, explaining why I was one of the most important people in the world to him, and telling me that any day I talked to him brightened it immeasurably. This began to make me think that there was some actual hope for a relationship, as not only were these weird things for me to be hearing from a young straight guy (sorry, stereotyping in action, I know), but they seemed to proclaim some sort of intimate exclusivity to our relationship.

Happily following the advice of a gay friend, I did something that I should have done long ago for the wrong reasons, and came out to my close straight male friends (I included James in this category) in hopes of maybe dragging out more information. I thought I had succeeded in this, as James messaged said gay friend less than 24 hours later to tell him that he had “cried” from being so proud and was “so happy” and that he wanted to “ask [me] who [my] love is, because that kind of love should not be withheld.” (Considering I “came out” in what was essentially a custom-locked blog entry that was fairly plain, the extreme emotional rise I got out of him confused me, and it was also weird at the time that the first thing he wanted to talk to me about was who my possibly gay crush was because the love I have to give is apparently just so awesome.) He also heavily began to ramp up contact with me (80+ short e-mails exchanged in two weeks), and every message seemed to be insanely positive and cheerful, which was in opposition to his typical demeanor. Finally, he invited me to make a five-hour trek to the college he was attending to spend the night for no particular reason, and remarked very particularly about the visit (such as suggesting we could sleep in the same bed???). Of course, at this point, I’m thinking: how could this be anything but his method of trying to romantically whisk me away, right?

Wrong. Despite some interesting encounters when I did visit (including being taken to a “special place” to gaze at the stars), when I finally couldn’t hold it in anymore and told him that I was developing, I was shot down by him saying that he wasn’t queer. (Actually, it was more so that I answered the question for him in a self-defeating manner... "I think I like you" ==> "But you can't be gay or bi, right?" I regret not letting him answer the real question.) This crushed me heavily, as I had believed strongly and illogically that there was some serious hope for a positive outcome. I asked him while crying why he had had romantic intercourse with our mutual gay friend, and he replied that he was simply “comfortable with his [straight] sexuality,” which frustrated me to no end. (I would later find out that there was a gay guy at James’s college seriously asking around the gay community if anyone would like to have a no-strings-attached m-m-m threesome including James, which would help foster my later delusions.) We departed on uncertain terms but over the next few days he assured me heavily that this wouldn’t come between us and that we were still as close as ever, if not more so. It hurt, but I steeled myself and worked as hard as I could to try to reorient my affections so that I would be okay with him and so I could try to heal.

When I went home, some uncomfortable things started to happen in the midst of the “business-as-usual” that I was hoping for, things that made it increasingly more difficult for me to start moving on. I started getting a whole deal more physical contact from James than I was used to, which felt strange considering what had happened a few weeks before. This contact included rough-housing, him stripping a shirt off of me, shoulder-to-shoulder-almost-face-to-face closeness at any sitdown event we attended, and lots (LOTS) of leg rubbing. For a two-week period J and I were together for at least 66.6% of the time (including him sleeping over at my house almost every night), which was nice at the same time that it was extremely difficult to deal with emotionally. (This, in part, led to three [!] female friends and one usually dense straight male friend who all knew that I had come out but who were ignorant as to what happened between James and I to ask seriously more or less whether James or I were in a relationship, which stung heavily. How could they be so off-mark while being so, so, close?) A girl he had an infrequent friends-with-benefits relationship with started to do recon in social circles that eventually got back to me as to whether or not James and I had ever been involved, because apparently she had grown suspicious of some “odd remarks” he had made. He also began to make a lot of non-ironic positive remarks about my appearance and how he’d “like to see [my] muscles after [I] bulked up [from weight training]” that also made me very uncomfortable after what had happened. To be perfectly fair, I was largely passive in all of this as I usually am, and was (and barely am now) not in a state where I was able to assert myself well, which is a larger problem I have to deal with.

In the mean-time, I’ve become hypersensitive to the contours of our relationship, and flip out internally over little not-really rejections because I still worry that I’ve destroyed our friendship with my admission, despite evidence to the contrary. Furthermore, this entire time I’ve had to keep an active vigilance over the fantasies that tell me that at the very least he’s heavily closeted and at the extreme end of wishful thinking could have feelings for me someday. I know these are absolutely terrible thoughts to be thinking, which is why I’ve been trying so hard to regulate them. It doesn’t help, though, that aspects of his character (usually embarrassed or ignorant as to his own feelings, self-destructive in romantic entanglements in terms of seeking people who are the opposite of what he professes to desire, history of sexual abuse in his childhood) make it easy for subprocesses in my head to make up a story positing hidden sexual issues. I know this is bad and need to find a way to get it down.

This whole situation is obviously very awkward, but James is going on a vacation out of the country for about a month, which might give me some time to regroup and recuperate. What are some suggestions to help move onto the next stages of getting over my friend? How do I stop driving myself batshit over our relationship? What sorts of things can I tell the delusional little voice in my head to get it to shut up and stop making up crazy stories that are probably supposed to make me feel better, but ultimately just lead to roadblocks to letting go? If, when I get home again, some of the behaviors that discomfort me continue (abnormal physical contact in particular, actually), am I in the right to have a conversation with him about them in the context of me wanting to move past that in our relationship (I worry that this is a no-no, considering I want things to be "normal" and it was my fault for making the situation awkward in the first place)? If so, any suggestions on how to approach this subject? Any other advice to offer in this situation? Thanks!

Throwaway e-mail: delusionsahoy@gmail.com

I'm gay -- but do I only like straight guys?

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 06:20:35 -0800

I'm gay, and I'm afraid that I only like straight guys. I'm in my 20s and I've only really admitted to myself I'm gay for a couple of years. I've been on several internet dates over the past year and a half (perhaps 8 or so), combed through hundreds more profiles, met dozens of other gay people at things like speed dating and various gay clubs, and just not found too much that interests me. The few people who I've been really attracted to are straight. I'm a little terrified that I am somehow only really attracted to either a) taken guys and/or impossible goals and that this is some kind psychological malady, or b) that there's something about the personality/looks of the people that I'm attracted to that is simply is rare or nonexistent in gay guys. I like somewhat preppy, naturally sporty-looking guys who are simultaneously ambitious and unafraid to be themselves. They have a bit of a sharp sense of humor, maybe a little artistic bent, and yet have an odd innocence that comes from their uncalculating nature. Independent, intelligent, sharp dressers, naturally trim (though probably not a six-pack or anything), sociable, not too self-absorbed (maybe a little underconcerned with their emotions?), physically affectionate, a touch aggressive. Getting the picture at all? I'm not sure *I* get the picture but there it is.

Do gay people exist like this? Is there something wrong with my preferences that make it very unlikely I'll ever be satisfied? This is starting to worry me a bit.

Queer mexican kidnapper film?

Item — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 22:32:32 -0800

Please help me remember the name of a 1970's Mexican film about homosexual kidnappers. The only other details I remember are that the kidnapee was a young boy and that it took place in Mexico City.

I saw it at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin one afternoon in the spring of 2002. I'm pretty certain the screening I attended was the only one given and that it might've been part of a series of similarly themed movies. Or not.

Please kindly take your contradictory book away.

ikahime — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 12:24:02 -0800

What is the best (if any) way to deal with anti-gay Christian protesters on my campus? So it's Pride Week here at my University, and one can always expect the Christians to roll out with their bible-thumpers shouting in your face, and kumbai-ya-ers singing terrible 2-chord hymns. Is there a good (if any) way to respond or retaliate, or to encourage them to leave? Or should I just lump it like I always do and ignore the hateful diatribe I must listen to on my way from the library to the coffeeshop?

Places for queers to dance and hang out in San Antonio?

expialidocious — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 12:34:06 -0800

Where's a nice place for two queer women to hang out, eat, or dance in San Antonio this weekend? We're staying at a hotel about half an hour west of downtown, and we'll have a car. We're in our 30's. Not big drinkers or clubbers. We enjoy almost any kind of music, including country. Mixed male/female and queer/straight places are fine. A good place for salsa would be especially nice. Friday and Saturday mid to late evenings are open, as are Sunday brunchtime and maybe Saturday afternoon.

If you know of any such places, please let me know what the usual level of dress is, the best time to go, and anything else useful.

Bonus question: if any of the bazillion straight relatives also in town for this family reunion wants to go out dancing too, is there a place that would be good for all of us?

Mid twenties, moving to London. Where should I live and what should I know?

pollystark — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 03:21:28 -0800

Mid twenties, reasonable income, moving to London. Where should I live and what should I know? [I have read this and this thread, but my situation is quite specific.]

Shortly, I will be permanently relocating to London (from Leeds). My job will be in central London, probably either in Regent Street or around Tower Bridge.

* I have a number of different friends and family members scattered all around London. I will be spending time with them, but I also want to get involved in music (both playing and attending gigs), the queer scene and radical activism. I am involved with these things in Leeds, but know very few people in those scenes in London.

* I want to live in a fun, exciting area of Greater London that is within cycling distance of central London. Neighbourhood features I like: record shops, little coffee shops, greenery, a lack of yuppies, a community or family feel.

* My income will be between £25,000 and £30,000 per year.

* I would be OK with living alone, but would rather get a spare room with some nice random people (non of my current friends have any rooms in their current abodes).

* I am OK with living in a slightly dodgy area as long as it's not outright suicidal.

So, where should I live and why?

Bonus points: general advice for a person who has never lived in a city as big as London before. Good places to hang out, activist hubs, practical advice on travel and eating and living, location of any arty communities, good London advice books or websites, anything else you think is relevant.

Forgotten title of book about a woman who lived as a man

pollystark — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 05:07:44 -0800

Can't remember title of an autobiographical book about a woman who lived as a man for a period of time. It was excerpted on Guardian Unlimited about six months ago. I remember anecdotes about going bowling regularly with a group of men, going on lots of dates with straight women and some stuff about how different it felt for the author to be on the street and be the observer rather than the observed.

Any help greatly appreciated. Thanks!

A Good Gay Science Fiction Website Or BLog Please

kolophon — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 08:35:42 -0800

I am looking for a good science-fiction website or blog with reliable reviews, preferably covering gay/queer issues.

Help me get out of this closet before the house burns down!

Anonymous — Wed, 31 May 2006 17:27:21 -0800

I've never dated a girl before. Where do I start? Oh, and I am one, too... I've suspected myself of being a lesbian for a long time and am definitely attracted to women, but I wouldn't feel comfortable coming out without any actual experience to validate this. In the meantime, it seems incredibly awkward, and even selfish, to initiate anything with someone who is more experienced and certain of themselves - as though it were her responsibity to wait for me to figure everything out and get off my training wheels (I can imagine I probably wouldn't want to waste my time with someone who was just experimenting, either). I feel this anxiety equally when thinking about the possibility of a casual sexual encounter or a relationship. I've also noticed the term "curiosity" used with a distinctly negative connotation on many gay websites, etc. which makes me feel less than welcome, in addition to being ashamed of my general ignorance and ineptitude concerning, um, everything involved. I also have the (wrong?) impression that most people realize they're gay in the context of an attraction to a specific person, and things follow naturally from there; it seems less clear how to go about it the other way round.

More background info: A couple people have asked whether or simply assumed I was gay previously, but I've only recently started to acknowledge it myself. I'm generally a shy and introverted person, so I already have some difficulty meeting people and entering into new social situations, especially point-blank, and I don't have anyone else who's openly gay in my social circle at the moment (which is actually quite small, because I've moved recently). I've gone to a couple lesbian events (monthly "parties" at local bars) but freaked out and ran away before I could start relaxing and meeting people. There's really no one I'd feel comfortable bringing along to future events like this for moral support, either. I also don't live in an area with any gay coffee shops or more casual meeting places. Oh yeah, and I have pretty long hair.

So, my questions are, roughly, the following:

1) Is "curiosity" generally tolerated as little as I fear, and if so, how should I go about resolving it?

2) How can I get a date without taking advantage of someone (or at least feeling like I am) by inflicting my n00b-ness on them?

3) How does dating work in general for lesbians? What should I be doing to send out the right signals, and what should I be watching for? And what happens next?

This question is meant to be as broad as possible. I feel like this is going to be adolescence all over again - or like that "40-year-old virgin" movie. Not pleasant. I'll be grateful for any information and advice that might make it easier.

Finding the best gay bar in the Twin Cities

kavasa — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 23:43:18 -0800

Best gay bar in the Twin Cities metro area, Minnesota? To clarify: my mid-tour leave from Afghanistan* is coming up and I need to get laid with a fierceness. I grew up in Minneapolis but came out in Madison so I really know nothing about the Cities scene. I'm halfway between musclebear and fatbear, and not really effeminate at all (although I don't mind effeminate fags). I'm in my mid-20s and don't really like sleeping with anyone much younger or older than me (think 3-4 years either way).

I know this is a pretty predatory question but I have had zero dick since I joined the Army in May '05 and it is wearing me down. Thanks in advance.

What the hell am I? Genderqueer, ftm, crazy??

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 17:36:58 -0800

I've been happily (well, to various degrees) living my life as a lesbian (mostly of the soft-butch/butch) variety for many years. I think I might be genderqueer. Now what? I'm in my 30s and I've cultivated a large group of lesbian, dyke and butch/femme friends (and yes, there is a difference). I'm afraid to take the next step. I'm not even sure what the next step would be.

Am I genderqueer, am I in the infancy of an ftm transition? I just don't know.

I have a girlfriend, with whom I plan on discussing this (possibly even tonight), but I'm not even sure where I'm headed. I don't want to lose her, but am 90% sure that I will. Over the last year+ I've become much more promiscuous in general (prior to said girlfriend), but I've also found myself interested in men. Of course it isn't as simple as me thinking I'm straight or bi. When I think about sex with men I'm thinking about it in terms of me with a strap on, etc.

I'm not comfortably talking to my friends about this at this point, because here too, I feel like I'm going to find myself losing people. Traditionally, the lesbians I know and have know have not been particularly welcoming of "other" and I'm fearful that this might carry over.

What are the chances that any MeFites have gone through this or know someone who has? Thoughts? Advice? Thanks!