Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with procrastination

How to prioritize and take action when faced with a big decision?

Lurch — Wed, 25 Aug 2021 12:28:58 -0800

I graduated college in spring 2020 and have been living with my parents for a year now. I'm non-binary, but not out to my parents. I'm unemployed and feel ashamed about the time I've wasted over the past year. I don't feel comfortable moving forward with HRT until I move out, which is frustrating. Recently I've been working on improving my mental health, but I feel overwhelmed by the possibilities for living independently. How can I make myself weigh the pros and cons, avoid procrastinating, and decide? I've always struggled with procrastination and anxiety, but over the past year I've been feeling more and more depressed as well. Last fall I applied for grad school with the support of my former research advisor, but didn't get in anywhere. A couple months ago, the same advisor contacted me about a funding opportunity she could apply for that was specifically for graduates whose research was affected by COVID. I was working on a project with her in my last semester, but couldn't finish because of the pandemic, so it seemed like a great opportunity. I love my college town and have a good support network there of trans friends and close mentors, so the idea of moving back there was exciting. I think this prospect gave me some energy to address my depression. I started seeing a therapist, taking an exercise class, saw my primary care doctor to discuss HRT, and went back on depression meds.

Unfortunately, I found out a few days ago that my advisor's application wasn't accepted. I was already thinking about this possibility, and decided it would make sense to look for jobs in my field of interest in NYC, since I live on the train line and don't have a car. I would like to apply for grad school again (I really loved research and the lab environment in undergrad), but I don't think now is the best time; I want to gain some more work/research experience and build my self-confidence first. My goal would be to eventually find an apartment in the city, hopefully before next year.

However, a friend in my college town contacted me recently about some friends of theirs--who are also trans--looking for a housemate. It occurred to me that even if I have to find a job completely unrelated to my aspirations, it might be worth it if I get to live with people who accept me for who I am and in circumstances where I could move forward with transitioning. This option is much more immediate--I would have to decide within the next couple weeks. Despite the pressure, I haven't done any job-searching at all. I'm worried that I'll just let this go by without truly looking into it or considering if it's a worthy option. I'm worried that I'll just let the next months go by too, like I have the past year.

I know this decision is ultimately up to me, but are there any ways I can consider the situation that will help me actually decide? I'm tired of constantly thinking and not taking action. I also know that taking action will force me to confront my feelings of failure and inadequacy. How can I move forward even when those feelings come up?

Help Me Overcome My Evening Routine Procrastination

whitelotus — Tue, 06 Jul 2021 18:06:17 -0800

I have trouble getting my chores and studying done in the evening after I get off work and just want to vegetate. The trouble starts after I get off work and make/eat dinner. I am subsequently unable to get off the couch figuratively. I've always had problem with self-control and making myself do unpleasant tasks. At the end of a busy day, I'm exhausted and feel I've used up all my self-discipline and brain-cells on work.

I cannot afford a dryer or dishwasher at the moment so everything is done manually and extra-tiring. Or a housekeeper/paid laundry service. I'm single and don't have anyone to help out. I've tried hacks like putting on energetic music and Habitica but nothing works. I'm not able to shift things to before work in the morning for schedule-related reasons.

Ideal evening routine after dinner:
I immediately do my dishes/take out the trash/do the laundry.
Shower/Blow-dry my long hair/Brush and floss my teeth
Study (mentally-taxing topic non-related to paid work) for 1-2hours
Go to bed before 11 p.m. so I will be well-rested for work the next day.

Actual evening routine:
I end up surfing the net reading things I'm not even interested in such as the news just to avoid doing the dishes/trash/laundry
I eventually get around to finishing the housework but by then it's eleven o'clock or even later.
After showering/brushing my teeth, I end up going to bed with uncomfortably wet hair at some absurd time like 1 a.m.
No studying is done and I am groggy the next day due to lack of sleep

I need to get over this because I'm planning to take an exam (different field from paid work) and at the rate I'm going, I won't be ready in time. Help!

How can I be productive despite pandemic-related depression & children?

dog-eared paperback — Fri, 16 Oct 2020 16:01:19 -0800

My productivity at work has slipped greatly since March 2020, and has worsened in the last month. I'm wfh in a role that involves moving pixels and data around. Help me come up with strategies to turn it around. I have worked from home since March 2020, as required by my employer. I have two fairly small children and a partner who primarily cares for them while I work. The children are not in childcare due to coronavirus-related concerns.

The thing is, despite having the good fortune of still having a job and having a partner to care for our kids, I am becoming pretty depressed. I think it is partly because I never have to go anywhere and am unable to socialize much due to coronavirus. Also, as with all parents at this time, we have an extreme lack of free time. I'm pretty much either working or caring for children, without much 'me' time.

TO top it off, due to distancing, I am now doing some boring tasks at work as my primary tech-related work is more on hold. I am grateful to have a job! Yet I'm doing a lot of boring mindless work with a lot of clicks on this and that, not much challenge. Despite this, I am procrastinating due to the dull nature of the work.

I know what I should do! Take the initiative to start a new, interesting project using my skills. But instead I sit in a dark attic procrastinating and feeling gloomy and low-energy.

DO you have suggestions for how to break out of this cycle? I am looking into, at least, taking on some childcare during the day so I have a reason to get out. This would mean that I would start work earlier, and have a long mid-day break.

How to forgive yourself for a lost opportunity?

bluecore — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 18:05:51 -0800

Have you ever had an opportunity so big it overwhelmed you and you let it slip away? Were you able to figure out a way to forgive yourself? Please tell me how. My details within. Several years ago I had an opportunity in my field to possibly work on a big creative property. A fairly well known thing that could've really boosted my career.

I say "possibly work on" because in my field when they don't know what direction to take something, they send out hundreds of feelers like, "Hey, if you have any ideas for this thing, let us know." If they like your idea, it goes up the chain and might lead to something, but it might not.

At the time, I was going through a rough patch (depression, anxiety) and told myself the idea I had was dumb, that it was a waste of time to spend weeks preparing it to only have it shot down, which is unfortunately a thing I've experienced many times, and I didn't know if I could take more rejection.

So I did nothing. It's not like I actively decided to not try for it, I just let time slip away and did nothing. It wasn't even like my career was going that great that I had the luxury of doing this, but I did it just the same.

Recently I saw what they did with the project, checked out my old notes, and... I think my idea was better? Maybe even a great idea?

Now I'm feeling terrible about this long-gone opportunity, livid at myself for not even trying, beating myself up about it at least once a week.

The weird thing is it's not like it was a sure thing-- they could've hated my idea and nothing would've come of it at all. Or the first person could've liked it but a string of people higher and higher on the chain could've hated it. So why am I acting like it was a sure thing?

And the dark thing I must admit is maybe when I feel it's a terrible idea beforehand and a great idea afterwards those could be just two sides of the same coin: which is self doubt and self torture at every step of the creative process. Maybe my brain was going to torture me with this no matter how good or bad the idea was, you know? Hell, maybe it was just a mediocre idea, which is the worst kind of idea you can have.

So have you ever let something like this go?

I'm guessing it would be easier to do if my career was going better, but it's not. And the anxiety and depression are still there, which have been treatment resistant so any suggestions just in that vein might replicate things I've already tried.

How to stop procrastinating at creativity-on-demand?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 23:02:00 -0800

I am a professional actor. About 3-5 times a week, I have to prepare and self-tape an audition. I procrastinate TREMENDOUSLY and feel miserable every single time. Please help! Five random times each week, I get emailed some scenes. Each time, I have a turnaround of 12-72 hours to return a competent audition, and here is what I have to do:

1. Find a time when my toddler is SILENTLY occupied by another person AND there is natural light outside. This alone can be a Sisyphean task.

2. For film/TV, I need to: print the material and think about my approach. Mark up the script with notes, memorize the scenes. Find a helper to read opposite me. Do my hair/makeup/wardrobe, dig out and set up my tripod, camera, lights, mic, backdrop and test the lighting and sound a million times. Do about 20 takes of the material (with a competent helper who's patient enough to manage me flubbing a line or the dog wrecking a take or whatever!), then finally email it in.

3. For animation, I need to: read the material, YouTube the voice references they've provided, decide my approach. Make silent my home. Hide in my cluttered closet and record myself running the scenes, listen back a bunch of times. Record a perfect take. Repeat for 2-6 loud, high-energy characters per show. Label files and email it all in. Animation is not as logistically difficult as on-camera, as it needs fewer gadgets and I don't have to do makeup or lighting... but because it's done alone, it can be even harder because there's no reader to be accountable to, or get an energy boost from, and animation characters are often SUPER high energy. It can be hard to get my energy there alone and feel confident that my work is funny!

Acting is a silly fun career, I know, but AUDITIONING IS SO HARD. I'm having a hard time just in life in general right now, too- I have a toddler, an ill parent, very little childcare help. Throw in low iron, mild seasonal depression, random hormonal swings that are making me feel tired, unmotivated, and anxious. I'm also a perfectionist and probably have ADD. Plus I've recently quit caffeine and I'm working from home, so it can be VERY hard to ramp my energy up enough to create a heightened reality.

And because the work is judged on subjective criteria, I really struggle with the fact that it's impossible to actually BE DONE, it just has to GET done. Like if Take 15 is good enough, wouldn't Take 30 be even better? The enormity of doing something that, in my distorted thinking, * could somehow be perfect if only.... * means it is so unappealing to ever start, if that makes sense.

I've tried to remove some of the speed bumps to these processes- for instance, I bought a fancy iPhone and use that to record, instead of a proper camera/mic, because it's technically MUCH easier (even though it doesn't look or sound as good). And I never edit my takes, even though I could improve my product if I did. I could try leaving some of my gear set out to reduce the setup time, but I have a toddler and a small home. I'm also planning to upgrade my lighting gear to lessen the time pressure of having adequate daylight. And for really important projects, I hire someone to coach, read & tape me professionally, which is AMAZING but costs $70 a pop so I can't do it every time.

I love acting, but auditioning IS HARD... however, it's the bulk of my job, and if I don't do it well and promptly, I don't book work.

SO: What can I do to reframe how I think about it, make it easier, and get it done with less struggle?? I'm really having a hard time and beating myself up for failing at my clown college of a career! Ugh, thanks!

Why am I bad at communicating and how do I get better at it?

mnfn — Fri, 05 Jul 2019 05:12:21 -0800

I am not great at communicating with people and I'd like to get better at it. I don't communicate enough and I put off responding to messages and emails. This is true across friends, family, and colleagues. Can you recommend some resources, particularly focused on communication that you think would help? I am inconsistent when responding to messages and sometimes struggle to know and express my thoughts. This is unhelpful to others if they need my input quickly.

I'd like to read something that talks about why people fail to communicate and what styles of communication work well. I am thinking of something that gets into why I fail to communicate. Perhaps I don't know what to say or I don't want to let somebody down and so I put off replying until later, and later, and later, until it's too late.

I know that procrastination is a more general problem for me (and the usual answers to that question). I am specifically looking for resources that are focused on this as it relates to communicating with people. If there are concrete strategies that would help, all the better.

I know that this can put a burden on the people near to me and I'd like to be better at this.

help me crush this

unicorn chaser — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 03:20:33 -0800

Aaah! This is such a stupid question. But how do I focus on work when I am in the throes of a very bad crush? I mean, I don't think the specifics of the crush are particularly problematic, so this isn't really a question about that; but I see the person every week at a post-work commitment that I can't change, and we are on the way to becoming friends. I'm getting to know them, and we'll see what the long-term outcome of this ends up being. Asking them out directly would mess with the dynamics of the thing that we see each other at. But you know... it's progressing.

The actual problem is, I feel like everything else in my life is black and white and the times I speak with this person are in colour. I apologise for the very over the top language, but it's the best way to describe how I feel.

I've ALWAYS struggled with work motivation - it's always been something I do because I have to, not because I want to; I am at heart an unproductive person who'd rather be reading than anything else and I get my satisfaction in life from extracurriculars. I've accepted that aspect of myself - we can't all be dynamos. But I've learned to plod along in work life and I'm actually valued for being creative and diligent.

But now my demotivation is much worse because I just feel like I'm counting the minutes till I see this person or checking my phone 1000 times to see if they've gotten in touch or liked one of my Instagram posts etc. It's really stupid and unproductive, and I feel like I should be too old for this, but clearly I am not. (38!) This isn't part of a pattern of distractions. This level of preoccupation is quite new to me.

I'm not looking for ways to resolve the crush, which I think will resolve, one way or the other, in its own time, but just looking for ways not to completely suck at work until that happens. Please be kind, I know I'm being RIDICULOUS.

What films dwell on the consequences of procrastination?

crapmatic — Mon, 29 Apr 2019 17:40:15 -0800

What films/miniseries are there whose theme is the negative consequences of procrastination or making lazy choices vs. the positive outcomes from stepping up to responsibilities or having a Type A personality? Not looking for educational or after-school films, of course, but themes in mass media.

The only two films I can think of are the 1970s TV series "Rich Man, Poor Man" (which really needs an official release, why is ABC sitting on the prints?), and the Albert Brooks movie "Defending Your Life" (kind of a superficial, cornball treatment though).

I'll also take answers for movies out there that you have found that are motivating and which have rallied you to make positive changes in your own life. The closing speech from Glengarry Glenn Ross comes to mind, but it was just a 7-minute scene.

Not sure about crime movies, since those tend to be over the top, and crime isn't a very difficult choice for most of us.

Choosing an anti-charity

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 22:59:20 -0800

How can I pick an "anti-charity" to motivate me that won't actually destroy the planet? I suffer from some pretty gnarly challenges with ADHD and procrastination. Unfortunately due to various confounding issues I'm no longer able to follow my medication regimen, and I'm in the process of finding long-tern solutions that will help. In the meantime, I am trying out some new ideas.

One approach that interests me is the idea of motivating accountability by means of an anti-charity, as in this (satirical) alarm clock and the StickK web service. For example, in StickK, you can set up a commitment so that if you don't meet your goals, the service sends a donation (of your money) to an organization you dislike.

While I'm intrigued by the general idea, the anti-charities that StickK supports are all reprehensible (NOM, NRA, etc.), and I would never be OK with donating money to these organizations. But I'm curious about the approach and would love to try a homegrown solution similar to this, putting up money to some unpleasant (but not, you know, evil) cause.

The first example that comes to mind is supporting flat earthers - it's a cause that I'd be embarrassed to support, but I don't think that supporting them will cause any active harm. Another is to some opposing sports team - but I dislike all sports equally, so I don't think this would be as motivating.

I'm looking for other suggestions like this - places where I might consider donating money, where the possibility of giving money to this organization would be a motivating factor, but for which giving money would not be actively harmful to the state of the world. Possibilities include harmless cranks, pointless projects, and similar. This will be a homegrown solution so it doesn't need to be supported by StickK or other platforms. The point is never to actually give money to these causes, but the threat needs to be real enough to trick my ADHD brain into working. Bonus points for donations that can be made anonymously or that can be automated somehow.

I don't particularly want suggestions to donate to good causes (I'm already doing this and want to try something new), nor to pursue other ADHD treatment (I'm working on this as well). I just want to try to run a harmless experiment and see if/how it might help.

Has a multivitamin cured my procrastination issues?

doornoise — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 01:53:03 -0800

I started taking a decent quality lady-formula multivitamin a couple of weeks ago. No previous supplements taken. Now, with no other changes in diet, routine or exercise habits, some dire and longstanding procrastination problems just aren't an issue any more. I decide to do a task, do it and it's done. This is unheard of for me. Is something in the vitamins causing this or just a coincidence? Obviously I want these effects to continue!

Rediscovering the joy of technical work?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Oct 2018 14:58:31 -0800

When I was young, I loved computing to the point I made it my career. And then came expectations, money, ambition and ruined it. I'm trying to get back into the joy of doing my work for itself, I could use some advice on how to approach this. I'm not unique in this problem but I took something I loved, made it my career, loaded it with (unmet) expectation, money, prestige and ended up hating it all. I want to get back to enjoying doing my work for the sense of wonder, whimsy, curiousity and pleasure it brought me but these days I just feel very divorced from it all. Even when I sit down and try and do something technical I'm plagued with thoughts of "is this the best way to do it?" and "is this the best use of my time?" For those who rediscovered an old love in the work you did, how did you do it? How do I get down to basics and divorce the weight of all the third-party aspects around me which burden me and make me doubt every step and every approach?

Framing a late email response

Sockinian — Sat, 11 Aug 2018 07:39:21 -0800

I received a touching-base message from a work connection/ friend and intermittent correspondent. Initially flaked on responding, then got anxious/guilty and flaked some more (for... ok, about 2 months). I'm on a summers-off schedule, and I'd like to take advantage of the renewed start of work to actually get back in touch with this person. How can I frame that email with maximum tact? I'm usually in contact with this person 2-3 times per year, and have had a warm, cordial relationship to date, with some mentorship on their part that I'm grateful for. (What made me flake in the first place was their proposing to buy me lunch, which added a whole level of uncertainty about when/where, who should pay, etc.-- indecision is a big procrastination factor for me).

As far as I can see, now that the work year is starting again, I have a few options: I can
--Write back and apologize profusely for the delay, making some excuse
--Write back and not apologize at all, breezily chalking it up to normal summer out-of-email-contact stuff
--Write back and white-lie as though I hadn't received the original message (spamfilter?)

What I do need to do is formulate a plan, because this is a great person I'd like to continue to have a relationship with. Any concrete suggestions you can provide would be much appreciated, Metafilter. Thanks!

Staycation Advice for the non-neurotypical

nightrecordings — Wed, 16 May 2018 17:42:21 -0800

[ADHD/anxiety filter] I am about to be off work for ten straight days. For a number of reasons, I haven't taken more than 3-4 days off work in nearly three years. This shouldn't be complicated, but my anxious, perfectionist, ADHD brain is trying to immobilize me into doing nothing but sit on the couch for ten days. I need advice on how to avoid that. If you asked me what my dream staycation would involve, it would be: no screens (for majority of the day), listen to jazz records while reading books, yoga, go on some local hikes, mushroom hunting, fix up my bike and take it for a ride, cook nice meals in the evening, catch up on indie films, visit the library and the park. But you'd be surprised how adept I am at finding ways to avoid doing all of these things, because of perfectionism/fear/procrastination shame-cycle.

I'll use bullet points to get some of the necessary context out there:
- 31, cishet woman, lives with partner, no kids, lives on east coast of the US not far from a major metropolitan area.
- I have been hoarding my vacation time because reasons. Please trust me that I know that isn't good and that I'm aware I've reached my breaking point- that is why I am finally taking time off even if it's to stay at home.
- I work in a field that involves a lot of emotional labor on a daily basis. Going this long without a vacation has... definitely had a negative impact on me, and I've forgotten how to enjoy my time off, let alone how to enjoy my time spent alone.
- Partner, who was just promoted into a very demanding management position, will not be off during this time. (This isn't an issue for either of us; I just bring it up since it's important to know I'll have a lot of alone time available to me).
- I'm an introvert; alone time is something I crave even if I'm not currently excelling at my ability to enjoy it wisely. So, suggestions that involve calling up friends/family to do things with me aren't what I'm seeking. Most of my friends and family will be working or not available at the last minute. And, as already stated, I'm trying to get better at enjoying my alone time in a way that is healthy and nourishing for my soul.
- Because of hefty student loan debt, I do not have much disposable income.
- I would try to do what many folks on the internet seem to recommend about staycations ("Get all of your laundry and cleaning done BEFORE! Cook up a bunch of big meals and freeze them!") but I only have two days between now and the start of this staycation. My job is not only emotional-labor intensive but also comes with a lot of legal and regulatory deadlines, so the next two days I will be working late to make sure those are done before I leave for vacation. My employer will have it no other way, nor will I (since I like being employed), so this isn't up for debate.
- Yes, I take medication for my ADHD, anxiety and depression, and have done CBT for many years. Not looking for advice about meds/therapy. I'm also part of a meditation group, which helps, but I am a work in progress. :)

My fears and concerns:
- I've been putting off some responsibilities (namely, financial ones- filing taxes late/payment plan for taxes owed; consolidating federal student loans)
- One other non-leisure thing I need to tackle in the next two or three weeks is painting my kitchen and building floating shelves for kitchen pantry storage. We've been remodeling out kitchen and these are the last two pieces in getting our kitchen to be functional and livable again. This is important to me because I love to cook, but right now I hate my kitchen because it needs shelves for organization.
- I fear that if I don't tackle the above things (money, painting/shelf-building) during my staycation, I will just spend my staycation beating myself up and feeling ashamed. The more I think about it, the more I realize that the financial stuff and painting, at least, will take up a lot less time than I'm currently catastrophizing in my head. Do I knock this stuff out the first two days, then enjoy the other eight, or do I give myself a day or two to decompress despite the fact that I will probably just spend it worrying about how I need to get this other stuff done?
- I am also carrying guilt about being so burnt out all the time that I can't enjoy my hobbies and interests. When I am not at work, lately I have just self-medicated by watching Bravo reality shows, rage-scrolling political Twitter, and just making sure basic household chores are getting done.

My question: how do I enjoy my staycation, avoid feeling ashamed about the things I have been putting off, avoid *avoiding* the things I've been putting off, and convince myself that I am worthy of love and investing time in creative projects and pleasurable pursuits that will make me feel accomplished and happy? It's really easy for me to just turn into an anxious couch potato who can't get started because perfectionism means I'm too worried and scared about screwing things up.

Some ideas I have so far:
- Go screen-free from the time I wake up until about early evening (5pm or so). I have apps and software to block access to time-wasting stuff on my phone and laptop.
- Set a very basic morning routine/ritual and a very basic evening routine/ritual. For example, shower and dress immediately upon waking, eat an easy breakfast I enjoy (toast and jam, yogurt and fruit), and leave the house to go on a brief walk.

Your ideas for how to structure my time**, and any support and encouragement you can provide, are greatly appreciated.

**It's that classic ADHD dilemma where we loathe rules and authority, but we also really need structure. I recognize this. I'm not looking for rigid structure, just a framework to guide me and keep me from giving in to my tendencies to procrastinate and beat myself for hours.

Journaling without spiraling

cardinalandcrow — Wed, 16 May 2018 01:54:46 -0800

How can I start journaling again without it turning into tedious self-berating? This question was me a few months ago, and as I still feel like I’m wading through mud, I’d wondered if journaling might help as a way of doing something more productive than dicking about on Twitter.

However, I kept a diary/journal on and off for about twenty-five years and stopped a couple of years ago because rather than being helpful, it seemed to reinforce my self-criticism; I’d wind up just writing down, over and over again, all the reasons why I suck, dammit, and will keep on sucking forever. I’d prefer not to do that. Are there any useful ways of trying for insight and understanding without it spiraling down every time into a litany of all my faults? (NB have read “Feeling Good”, did not get on with it at all.)

Procrastination, avoidance, laziness, prioritising - advice please

paduasoy — Tue, 08 May 2018 17:06:58 -0800

I'm having some major problems with procrastination and avoiding things I don't want to do or am worried about. I'm at a stage now where one of the issues is there are so many things I haven't done that I don't know what to prioritise. Looking for advice and strategies to get out of this rut and actually get something done. Things I'm not doing that I should be doing range from voluntary activities (I have some reasonably responsible volunteer jobs and I'm having difficulty reading and responding to emails or doing things I have said I will); some behaviour that's crossing into hoarding about not sorting physical stuff out (rooms I can't use because they are too full); paperwork stuff to do with finances that is starting to cause me an issue because I haven't done it; things other people have asked me to do like put things on eBay; working on some of my own projects that in theory I want to do and enjoy doing; connections to people I'm not spending enough time on; marketing stuff for my freelance work ...

There are some things I have been wanting, planning or committed to doing for years (decades) that I haven't, and seem unable to, started. Other things are more recent; for instance, my desktop computer is 14 years old and grinding to a halt. Bought a new one about 18 months ago but haven't set it up yet because of fear that it will be too difficult.

Where do I start with trying to get back on track with some of this? I'm spending too much time doing distraction-type activities that don't involve any physical effort or uncomfortable feelings, or day-dreaming. I feel shame, self-loathing and frustration about the situation. One problem is that if I think about trying to achieve one goal I start thinking that another one is more important and I should be doing that instead - I realise this is an avoidant tactic but am not sure how to get around it.

I'm on anti-depressants and have had quite a bit of therapy, including CBT.

No artistic talent or not enough practise?

whitelotus — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 22:38:35 -0800

I have the most beautiful paintings in my mind's eye but I don't have the technical ability to paint them. It's definitely not a lack of inspiration. I know exactly what I want to paint. When I look at artists who work in the kind of style I desire to produce, I worry that I would never be able to produce the kind of technically complex paintings they produce because I don't have what it takes.

I know there are artists who achieve success with simplicity but I love paintings with complex backgrounds and lush interiors, finely detailed figures and nuanced use of color and shading.

Every time I get over my self-discipline and procrastination issues to produce something, I get paintings so ugly I'm ashamed to show them to anyone and I get discouraged and procrastinate even more. It's a vicious cycle.

I promised to submit a painting to something curated and I have already missed a deadline. I don't want to miss another one because I would look like a flake to other people (which is admittedly what I am) and I won't be able to live with myself. But I'm afraid I won't produce something up to scratch and it would be rejected and then I would be humiliated and be convinced I have no talent and quit painting.

I know I don't practice enough, partly because I have a lack of time and lack of space. How do I get over the huge "ugly painting" hump until I can develop the skills I need? I don't know how long this hump will last or if I will ever reach the standard required.

To make matters worse, I just found out a talented acquaintance I met years ago when she was just starting to gain attention is now an famous artist based in New York. I am the kind of insecure person that gets envious easily. She is younger than I am and from the exact kind of privileged family background I covet but will never have. She is not the first person I have been envious of and she will not be the last. This just triggers off my usual feelings of inferiority, fears of aging, death, failure, depression and so on. I know this is not about whichever person I am envious of at the moment but all in my head. I even manage to be envious of people who are successful but in industries I have no desire to be in and whose work requires living in places I know I would hate. It's just that they're famous, rich and successful! Which is ridiculous.

Deep down, I feel I am less worthy as a human being just because I am old, poor and unsuccessful career-wise. I told my close friend that I felt that if I was on a sinking boat with Famous Artist Acquaintance and an objective person could only save one person, I would probably be chosen to drown because it makes more sense to save the younger, talented and accomplished person as opposed to me, a literal waste of space and resources. I literally feel I don't deserve to live.

How do I get over all of the above to produce a good painting by the deadline? The clock is ticking as I type...

Motivational Interviewing on Myself

schroedinger — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 08:00:28 -0800

I was recently introduced to motivational interviewing (MI). It looks awesome. I would like to do something like that on myself--like a daily journal that goes through MI-type questions to use at the beginning of the day in order to explore goals, feelings about them, strategies for achieving them, etc. Are there any scripts that I could use on myself? Better yet, journals that provide these questions in a pre-printed format? Any therapists familiar with MI who could help? I know it's common for addiction and whatnot, but I think it could be really helpful for teaching me to be more mindful and not enter shame spirals about lack of productivity. Not much more to say. I really like the open-endedness of it and the encouragement to explore strategies to overcome specific stumbling blocks as well as coming up with prior evidence that can back up success. I tend to overthink things and am very good at coming up with reasons I will fail, as well as getting fatalistic about the smallest fuck-ups. I want a daily journal because frankly, I need the regular reminder and the constant engagement. Can anyone offer advice?

How to be a prolific writer... at work

RajahKing — Tue, 06 Mar 2018 11:47:05 -0800

In my new position, I have to do a lot more writing (for external audiences) than I ever had before. How do I do it more quickly or efficiently? I recently changed positions, which has been a perfectly good thing. I'm still in the honeymoon period and I like the organization, my new colleagues seem to like me well enough, and I like my new role.

I work in non-profits, but I've jumped from a program management position to a more communications position. While I still do a lot of project management, I am also charged with composing more written pieces, like social media, promotional material, and newsletters for external audiences.

I like writing, and when I get the projects done they are well-received... but it takes me forever! I find myself procrastinating, stressing out about deadlines, and when I get locked in to the writing process, I feel like whole days blow by. Do you have any suggestions for more efficient, fast, prolific writing in the workplace?

Don't know what this behavior is called, or how to safely replicate it.

nightrecordings — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 12:02:32 -0800

[ADHD Filter] I find that I am most productive when I am "playing hooky" or have just canceled plans. It can be really difficult for me to focus and find the enthusiasm to get things done, otherwise, even with years of help from ADHD therapy, meds, and life-hacks. Is there a name for this behavior, especially in the context of ADHD? If so, how do I replicate the circumstances without causing collateral damage to others? Don't worry, I'm not calling out sick from work (in fact I rarely do this) or canceling all of my plans constantly. I've just noticed that I constantly feel the urge to do this. I'll be driving to work, or sitting at my desk at work, thinking, "Ugh, I feel so motivated right now to go home and get _____, _____, and _______ finally done!" Even when I'm feeling pretty focused and motivated to do my work, I'll have this sudden realization that if I could just unexpectedly leave early, I could get so much other stuff done. This feeling dissipates if I stay at work for all of my scheduled hours, so it doesn't carry into my day once work is over. This is, of course, because at that point I don't have that feeling like I just pulled a sudden, badass move to make the day more about what *I* want to do in that moment. It's a feeling that must be very primal and spontaneous.

And then when I actually do cancel plans/skip out on something/call out from work, I find that, indeed, I am just as productive as I fantasized! There's a very stimulating thrill in believing that I've just stolen back some time for myself. I'll run that errand I've been putting off for weeks or months, or rush home to deal with some chores or projects I've chronically neglected, or suddenly feel in the mood to finally cook that elaborate meal I've been saying I'd wanted to do since last year.

This doesn't feel so much like a "I now have time" - I have plenty of spare time, I just don't always use it wisely, because ADHD inevitableness. It just seems to scratch that classic ADHD itch of stimulation-seeking behavior that increases dopamine levels for better focus and concentration.

Whatever it is about the idea that I've just blown off plans (and the plans have to be 1. Something to which I wasn't totally looking forward - i.e. a mundane activity, a weekly group meet-up or because I simply feel too lazy to go through with it; as well as 2. Something where at least one other person was expecting me to be there), I find it really stimulating and exciting in a way that causes me a charge both creatively and motivation-wise.

So, my question: How can I replicate this feeling, without actually breaking plans with people, or skipping work/other obligations where at least one other person is counting on me being present? It doesn't seem to work if I create a "fake" situation where I simply pretend that I've RSVP'd for something and then don't show up. It really seems to predicate on an actual feeling that I'm playing hooky.

Additional info:
*Yes I take ADHD meds, see a therapist, and am well versed in all the ADHD lifehacks. Many of those lifehacks have and continue to work, but this is something about myself I have always noticed. I really want to understand how I can possibly replicate it for my own benefit (without causing harm or annoyance to others).
*I am not looking for ideas or advice on how to stop feeling this way. Only how to responsibly replicate and utilize, for positive outcomes alone, the energy those feelings create inside me.
*I'm familiar with the idea of "busy procrastinating" and while I see some parallels, no, it's not the same thing that I feel when I actively say, "Nope, not going to show up to my weekly meditation meet-up tonight!" or "You know what, I'm just going to call out sick from work today and get X, Y and Z finally done."

To do: make a to-do list.

Desertshore — Tue, 23 Jan 2018 09:11:52 -0800

Last year both my professional and personal situation changed, which leaves me in planning limbo: the old routines and tools on which I depended don't fully suit me anymore, but I have no alternatives ready. How can I get organized again, without going overboard? During the years I was writing my PhD I consistently used a Moleskine daily planner. It had three to-do lists: a long one (on the blank pages) which served as a kind of inbox, a weekly one (on the Sundays), and a daily one. Every day I would review the weekly list and pick some tasks for the day. And every week I would review the long list and add some items to the list for next week. Recurring tasks, both daily and weekly (floss, exercise, take a walk, put trash out,...) would just be added in by hand every day or week. Other than that, I used the top half of the page for personal stuff, the bottom for work stuff. I didn't just use the Moleskine for planning, but also as a calendar and for keeping track of work hours and jotting down ideas.

Last year was chaotic; I fell of the wagon because personal and professional circumstances changed significantly. My Moleskine for last year is a lot emptier than the others, even though more happened, so it's clear I stopped using my trusted planning system. I bought a new one for 2018 and tried going back to what used to work, but I don't feel comfortable using it anymore (because the routine is gone, but mainly because it's a symbol of the past). Also, I bought an iPhone that I'd like to start using for this. I think my problem is rather with the Moleskine than with the basic system with the to-do lists and the reviews, which was reliable for me. It didn't always mean the most important things actually got done, though, and I also had much less tasks, deadlines and appointments than I have now.

So, I've been in planning limbo for the past few days, weeks even. I've been researching both time management systems and tools and rather than jumping in and trying stuff, I find fault with every option I've come across and keep looking for better ones. This is not uncommon for me; I'm a perfectionist and can get rather obsessive about stuff like this. Also, I have (major) issues with procrastination and I realize I might be using this as a way to do just that (I should be grading papers...). Nevertheless, I do need some alternative because right things really are all over the place, both objectively and in my head, and the system I had gave me some peace of mind.

My question is twofold, I think, with the first one being very common:

1. How do you keep organized and which (analog and/or digital) tools do you use that you can recommend?
2. How do you (if you're anything like me) keep from going overboard with organizing and managing stuff? How do you find a balance between using a particular system, and tweaking/adapting/doubting about it?

(Right now, I'm leaning towards Todoist; I like the simplicity and the gamification aspects of it, and the fact that it's both an app for my phone and my laptop. I also ordered Getting Things Done after being intrigued by it for years. Maybe I shouldn't have; I hope it won't prolong the limbo...)

How can I stop my life spiraling out of control?

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jan 2018 07:58:23 -0800

I haven't been happy with my life for the past few years and have struggled with mental illness before. Recently things have started to worsen again and I'm really worried about recent developments. How can I get out of this downward spiral (now), and build better habits in and for the future? I think it might be important to give some background before sketching my current situation.

1. I was raised by wonderful parents who did translate their love in very protective behavior, which made for a careless childhood. I excelled in school and graduated university with outstanding grades, but struggled with increasing performance anxiety. I started a PhD expecting to graduate in four years. However, it took me ten years.

During that time, I struggled with many issues. To deal with the near-absolute lack of structure in my life, my perfectionist tendencies grew to an elaborate system in which I kept track of virtually everything I did. I couldn't read a book without taking notes a certain way, couldn't watch a movie or listen to an album without writing a review, couldn't clean the kitchen without going overboard. But I would get overwhelmed often; when things didn't feel right I would 'stop' the system and engage in mindless behavior: surfing the internet endlessly, playing video games for what must have been thousands of hours in total, and sleeping. And then I would re-emerge and start over; I had rituals for this, like counting to ten in my head or touching a piece of furniture. When things became really bad I would count numerous times a day but couldn't get myself moving, like an engine failing to start, or running for just a short time before stopping. I couldn't get anything done anymore and would avoid work for months on end.

During this whole time, I lived with my partner whom I had met as a teenager. I relied heavily on her in many ways, as I didn't leave the house much. Also, I did go and see a psychologist who convinced me that my system was my problem, not the solution. I know that now and have cut back on it, but keep struggling until this day with the anxiety that's at the root of it.

2. Last year my life changed quite drastically. I did finally graduate. However, my partner broke up with me, finally having lost patience with and trust in me. After the initial shock, there was a period of frantic energy that made me start running, ditch my gaming console, reconnect with friends, and do well enough at my job as a teaching assistant, while actually feeling a huge blackness within me.

But this energy is wearing off and I'm losing it. Work is a constant struggle: I avoid every task, big or small, until it's almost too late. It doesn't help that I feel I'm in a dead-end academic job and have no other work experience. In general, things just don't get done while I keep accumulating plans and ideas, or I just waste time - both by surfing the web endlessly (including this very website). I cry often, sometimes numerous times a day. I dream about my former partner a lot, who I haven't seen for months but miss so much. I sleep way too much and sometimes spend whole days in bed, eating either junk food or nothing at all. A few times, I have actively hurt myself through binge drinking or cutting (but luckily this is rare).

I tend to feel better when I'm around others and not alone, but I increasingly find myself avoiding going out. I'm also really devoted to hiking and especially running, because I like to push myself physically and it doesn't involve any decision-making. But it's getting harder, partly because I'm not eating well, partly because of injuries. I also spend lots of time on the swingset in a local park; I wish I could sit there all day. But this, too, is avoidance.

I have been in (talk) therapy for a few months. I'm really honest there, which is a relief, but I'm not sure I'm actually making any progress with the stuff I'm honest about.

I am both disappointed in and worried about myself. I am overwhelmed by life and its myriad options, by all the information out there, all the people around me - now more than ever since I find myself without my best friend, who was my anchor for better or for worse. I lack the courage, the resilience, the motivation to get over myself and act according to my values, as far as I know what they are. I fear for my future. I feel I've never actually proven that I can function properly, let alone on my own.

I really need to make some changes but I have no idea where to start. I'd really like to now from people who faced similar situations: what has helped you the most? In what order should I tackle things? What's fundamental, and what can wait? How can I keep myself accountable and actually do the things I value or just need to do, without me turning into a control freak again? The more complex the solution, the least likely it is that I'll be able to successfully apply it.

Thanks so much for reading.

Discovering new depths of academic burnout

shapes that haunt the dusk — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 04:43:09 -0800

I'm under a lot of pressure at school without a whole lot of faculty support or guidance. I've started feeling sick whenever it's time to work on stuff, and frankly, I can no longer summon the will. I'm assuming this happens to everyone at some point. Did this happen to you when you were a student? How can I get through this without sabotaging my academic career? How should I decide when it's time to walk away? I'm an undergrad, but I'm working on a major research project as part of a highly prestigious program at my school. I've been told it's grad-level work. It's certainly demanding.

I haven't gotten any work done in the last month. I'm beyond burned out. I've lost all interest in the work itself, and I only really care about the negative consequences of walking away. People have invested a lot of time and money in my work, and I don't want to let them down. I have a perfect GPA and stellar references. I've got a lot to lose.

I've had periods of procrastination before, and "just sit down and write" usually works, eventually, but not now. I just cannot summon the will or the strength. In the meantime, I've turned into a prolific baker, I've been playing more music, I've been making art and buying tons of books. I can recognize intense procrastination, but this is the first time I've felt like I absolutely couldn't break through it; and I honestly don't want to.

I haven't had any support. I'm working with two professors, and I haven't seen or talked to either of them in a month. One has been too busy to see me, and the other hasn't responded to my emails since mid-October (I have no idea what's going on there). So I'm on my own. On top of that, I've been getting nasty heartburn and nausea when I have to work, which magically goes away when I decide to stop. Or I'll get splitting headaches, or extreme fatigue.

(I did recently learn that I was diagnosed with a fairly severe executive functioning disorder as a kid, but a diagnosis won't present my paper for me at the conference I'm going to next month, and it certainly won't turn in the coursework that's due this week.)

I'm sure I am not the first student in an elite, high-pressure environment to feel completely and totally burned out. How do you get through an episode like this? How do you decide when you truly cannot handle what you're doing? In principle, I want to see this through to completion, but the reality is that I'm almost completely out of fucks to give.

Budding fiction writer lacks confidence (no MFA) and needs help!

dostoevskygirl — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 16:55:11 -0800

Essentially 1) Do I need to know technical details of creative writing? 2) Am I disadvantaged because I don't have an MFA? 3) How do I work in relative isolation? 4) Are online writing courses useful? I've been a long time lurker on here. Finally decided to make an account!

I'm hoping someone can help me with this. So I love writing fiction. I have written poetry that has been published in a small literary journal, I've written loads of half-finished stories, and have an idea for a novel. I've made a rough outline for the novel and have a pretty good idea of my characters and what I want from the novel. I wanted to take part in Nanowrimo but I'm chronically ill with chronic fatigue syndrome and Ehlers Danlos syndrome and 50,000 words in 30 days is just too much for me.

Here's my issue. I majored linguistics and minored in languages at college and never took any writing classes. I have friends with MFAs, and in general, I feel as though I need to study the art of writing a novel and/or short story before I write one.

I'm auditing the Coursera creative writing specialisation at the moment but I keep thinking about attending a writing course. My illnesses are unpredictable in nature and I can't sign up for regular classes so I'd need to look for online classes. I've looked at a few and they are SO incredibly expensive. Gotham writing courses are on the cheaper side, but I really need to think before I sink $425 into a creative writing course (especially since I've read mixed reviews).

I guess I want the experience of a workshop that my MFA friends talk about. I feel as though I need to know technical terms before I write. The rational side of me knows this is ridiculous and I don't need to know specifics. I just need to write for now. On the other hand, I feel inadequate. Is this just a form of procrastination?

I read a lot - so I guess I have that covered. As far as I can see - because of my illness - I'm limited in terms of my mobility/ can't plan ahead so finding a group of writers in my city that I could interact with seems impossible at the moment.

How do you respond to emails that you've taken too long to respond to?

Anonymous — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 08:33:36 -0800

I have several emails in my inbox from the beginning of October. They're mainly from people introducing me to other people, or for wanting to collaborate on work. And I haven't responded, partially because it was a slog of a work month, and partially because it feels too late to respond. As each day passes, it feels harder and harder. I'm curious what language you've used in these situations where your response is late. I have much more time on my plate now and would like to rekindle these potential work relationships.

Non-RX supplements for attention/anxiety/depression issues?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Oct 2017 07:35:06 -0800

All standard YANMD disclaimers apply. I know and respect that "see your GP or a psychiatrist" is the usual response for questions like these but I have already gone that route multiple times with limited success (and several pretty wretched experiences). I don't currently have access to anyone, so I'd like recommendations for supplements or OTC products which would be helpful for moderate depression (mostly lack of motivation, pessimism, and rumination/anxiety). My last psychiatrist wavered between an OCD diagnosis and an ADD diagnosis, which seems about right; I have difficulty with distraction and focus, but it’s hard to know whether it’s an attention problem or because I’m obsessively worrying. (No compulsions, just pure O, though sometimes the anxieties bother others around me — my anxiety about, say, losing my keys or wallet will prod me into pestering my partner and needing to know that they have their keys or wallet, that sort of thing.) I do the chronic-procrastination trick of waiting till the last minute and ginning up anxiety to propel me into Doing The Thing. It’s a bad strategy. Lately even that is not enough; it’s getting so I can’t see the point of doing most things, and so I’m just kind of… not?

These issues have persisted, in varying forms and to varying degrees, for about twenty years, now. Over those years I’ve seen five different professionals and I have tried a variety of medications with little success. My problems right now are low-grade (though persistent). I would drag myself back on the med-go-round if things were closer to life-threatening; as it stands, things just kinda suck. I distract myself from depression and anxiety by wasting time, and get stuck in procrastination loops where the tasks I really need to complete don’t get done; as I miss deadlines, I end up more anxious. And repeat. I have an end-of-day deadline right now and I already know I don’t have enough time to make it and I’ve been sitting at my desk all day. I am an idiot. I can’t keep doing this.

I have been prescribed a lot of SSRIs, I guess because I’ve usually led with “I dunno, I can’t get any work done and nothing means anything,” but none have had an effect (I’ve tried four). Zoloft in particular was a shitshow: I had miserable heartburn and stomach pain without fail, every dose, and for the three months I trialed it, that never let up. I also felt super-angry a lot of the time, something I never experienced before (or since, medicated or no). The doc at the time made me stay on the Zoloft despite the zero improvement and the side effects, but added Risperdal (without explaining why, but for the bad moods I guess?). He kept me on it even after I discontinued Zoloft and he tried me on other things. Wellbutrin was the one thing I’ve tried that worked a little, but when I asked to go up a bit from the initial dose to see if that would help more, the doc discontinued it entirely and told me Risperdal would work as a standalone treatment, which… it didn’t. At all. This sort of thing is why I’m not keen on trying shrinks again; that one was the worst by far, but the ones I’ve seen subsequently weren’t so helpful, either. I’m willing to give treatments a fair shot, and I understand side effects are to be expected and often do go away eventually, but since it would take several months even to get an appointment, since my insurance situation is pretty unstable and will be for the foreseeable future, since there are not many providers in my area, and since I’ve had trouble finding someone responsive, I’d like to try a different route. I'm also, to be honest, not very optimistic that there are workable RX options left out there? SNRIs have at least moved the needle a bit, but that's about all that has and it wasn't by much.

I've been trying 5HTP with a vitamin B-complex for the past three weeks. I haven't noticed much of an effect beyond stomach pain (similar to what I experienced with Zoloft, but considerably less severe). I know three weeks isn’t long, but the stomach pain isn’t improving much and I’d like to try something else, particularly since 5HTP supplementation is apparently not really a long-term solution anyway, from what I have read. I’m kind of not surprised it wasn’t effective because it seems like maybe serotonin is not the problem here, but I don’t know what non-prescription options for norepinephrine or dopamine exist out there.

Things I already do: eat well (no added sugar, few processed foods, fruit/veg, etc.), exercise ~ 3x weekly (as vigorously as I can, usually running), get at least 7h of sleep nightly with a (mostly) regular bedtime and rising time. I have been doing these things for about two years now (with the exception of the exercise, but I’ve been trying to keep it up). I’ve also been working on a meditation practice but it’s really not going so well; usually it turns into a rumination session so I’ve been less inclined to try. I already see a therapist.