Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with procrastination

The power of creative procrastination.

tantrumthecat — Wed, 15 May 2013 09:07:43 -0800

Years ago, quite possibly while I was still in high school, I read a humorous essay in which the writer was able to complete a day's worth of household chores by creatively procrastinating. I have NO recollection of the author or the title. IF memory serves, the writer's logic was basically "I attempt to do (X) in my home, which reminds me that I also need to (Y). While I am doing (Y) I am reminded that I should REALLY be doing (Z), but (Z) is just way too much work right now, so I go back to (X)."

In doing so, the writer was able to bounce from one semi-complete task to another, ultimately cleaning his/her (don't remember the writer's gender, sorry!) home completely AND meeting a publisher's deadline for the essay.

Any ideas?

How do I organize my life and surroundings

wholecornandsalt — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 13:45:52 -0800

I lack basic skills to manage a normal day. I have no structure at all and want to be able to get by in life. I am a chronic mess maker and lose much of everything, so I want to learn life skills to be able to live normally. I notice that what often helps me is someone with a domineering and "in-action" personality who makes me do things and really persists. I know it's my fault, but my mother is probably an enabler. I can get too comfortable with that. Sometimes I wish she'd give me ultimatums or force me to do things. She's only had a couple, temporary jobs since I've been around her and is pretty lazy herself, so I never got a good work ethic influence, and she never pressured me at all into anything like doing homework. She hardly cleans either and can't be bothered to do much. (And I'm not like an adult baby. I mean, I cook all my own food and her food often and can do laundry and stuff.)I'm sure there's people you can pay to do these things, but I can't afford some kind of life coach.

Anyway, every room that I've had, whether big or small, has turned almost into what a hoarder's home looks like. Things pile up seemingly out of nowhere, and I try and clean, but it gets messy again. I need to be cleaner. I need to not lose everything, like I have with homework all my life. I've always had messy bags and binders and generally couldn't manage to hold on to anything. I sleep on piles of stuff currently, and it all falls behind my bed. People in my house get mad at me for making messes.

I need to sleep normally. I end up sleeping in the day often. Some of it is caused partially by lack of motivation and feeling like there's nothing else to do. It's often hard to get out of bed, and I don't have any friends here, but it's also structural problems.

I recently failed a number of classes this past year at college, and I'm planning to leave now. I also messed up high school in ways I won't get into, but it ties into the organizational stuff, not going out as a consequence of that stuff + procrastination, and the inability to stomach the thought of sitting through classes seven hours straight.

I put things off that are really important to get done. I forget and then when I remember, it's too late in the day, and it repeats. I made a lot of progress in the past year with exposure. I almost have my license. I mean, I quickly drove without fear, but I've yet to get my license after a year even though I can get it at any time. And all of my driving instructors said I drive too fast, and everyone gets scared with me driving "like a manic" in my mother's words, so I don't want to waste the money until I refine it. Plus, I have anxiety about calling and dealing with people. It makes my heart race to even order food on the phone. I want a job very badly and would love the structure involved and just having something to do, but I get nervous to even think about applying in person and with no experience.

I don't know if I have tourettes. I jump around and get really hyper like a little kid, even now. I have tics too. It affects my life enough. And I can get really depressed easily and lie in bed, not going to classes because I feel like a disappointment or something..or my work is not up to par..and just do not want to do anything. I want a busy, active life that's interesting. I do need plenty of time to regroup though. I need to sit in a dark room and just think or lie there for hours.

I'm trying to get a therapist again, but I need a referral and to wait a while with my insurance.

Okay, so what I'm asking for are life hacks and organizational tips I guess, that go outside of the basic "to-do list" recommendations because that does not help me. I can't even finish to-do lists. I could try other forms of lists if they are effective enough. I do think I need a schedule though to remind me to do basic things like taking a shower.

How Do I Learn to Stop Worrying and Love Art School?

malapropist — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 16:18:47 -0800

Due to a mix of laziness, depression, social anxiety and loneliness, I'm not doing too great in school. I really need to get it together, and I just don't know how to do it. I feel tapped out at the end of the day and I'm tired of it. I like art, but going to school for it just isn't very fulfilling. I'm thinking I just need to get through it and I'll be okay, but how do I develop the work ethic that my classmates have? I would google study skills or something, but I don't do notes or scantrons, my classes are all Photoshop and Illustrator, graphite and bristol board, that kind of thing. I spend about 30 hours a week in class, and between Monday and Friday I pretty much spend most of my time before, between and after classes working on homework projects, or procrastinating on them. I wake up and have homework. I have homework between classes. I get home and have homework. I regularly come to class without homework, or worse, don't go to class because I'm ashamed that I didn't finish it. Every time I go to class, I see my classmates with their homework, and many of these people have the same course load that I do. I just don't get it. I don't understand how they attend every class and are able to have their homework done.

I'm in therapy at the college. They've prescribed me Zoloft, which is keeping my day to day mood up, but that doesn't really help my work ethic. When I see the therapist (not the psychiatrist), it seems like our sessions mostly consist of me explaining my frustrations and her explaining why my thoughts are silly. Yeah, I know I have a lot of distorted thoughts about social anxiety, about the quality of my work, and so on. I know, but can you maybe help me? Trying to troubleshoot CBT in the moment in my day to day life is an exhausting mental effort for me, and I usually feel like I'm not capable of it, even though in therapy sessions I can understand why my thoughts are distorted.

I just feel so goddamn lonely. I get home at the end of the day, and I stare at the blank photoshop file or the blank piece of paper and I know, well, I can work on this, but I'm going to be alone until I get back to school, and even then I just feel alone in a crowd. I can't focus on my schoolwork, I feel this intense need to be around people. I do have friends, but none of them are actually in school, they go to work and hang out with each other a lot, and I feel like I'm working harder than they are and yet I'm just alone. I don't understand why they can have a rich social life, and they can have partners, and I can be in school and feel like I don't deserve love. I'm not that weird.

I have been reaching out and getting involved in clubs, actually I just joined one with a lot of friendly people, but they're only active every couple weeks. I'm so tired of going home at the end of the night, often 10pm, and just flopping down on my couch at home. I have roommates who are friendly enough, but they keep to themselves. I know I want to interact with people more, but I don't even know what it would look like to have the level of interaction I want. It's really hard for me to give a shit about art in an academic sense when I just think that maybe I don't want to spend my life holed up in my bedroom, carefully drawing something, completely alone. Maybe I should have picked a major that would involve social interaction more, because more and more, art just seems like the most isolating lonely thing ever. I decided on this because I wanted to get more involved in the local art gallery scene, to meet people, have a skill that I could use to interact with people, and it seems like since I came to college I become more and more isolated. I'm fucking sick and tired of it.

I have a hard time with procrastination and perfectionism. I often sit down to start a project, and when I first start and haven't really shaped up a good project yet, it's like my brain is screaming at me, "No, don't put the pencil there, that's horrible! Oh look at that, that's a horrible circle! That doesn't look like a person at all! Look at that, more evidence of how much you suck! Just stop! Are you really going to show people this piece of crap? God, just stop. Stop! This is shit! You suck! Who do you think you're fooling? You're just playing at being an artist, this is bullshit! Everyone will see what a dilettante you are! Are you really going to put this up on the wall for critique? God, you suck, you have no idea what you're doing!" I had a project last semester that I just couldn't start, because every time I tried to put the pencil to paper, within 90 seconds I was contemplating suicide. I tried for like, 5 hours. Sit down, can't do it, get up, have a smoke, sit down, can't do it, check my email, try to do it again, can't do it. I started crying twice. I failed that class.

The thing is, when I actually do my homework, it's pretty good! It's comparable to everyone else's, and every once and a while, it's even one of the best. I go through this process almost every single time I do a homework project, unless it's something really easy. I start the assignment, feel really frustrated and confused, question whether I should even be pursuing art, and eventually I muddle through, feel like what I'm doing is complete crap, and then lo and behold, I come to school, and everyone else has done something of a similar skill level. Once I get myself to actually come to class and show my work, it turns out I actually feel somewhat proud of it. So why can't I just get past all this perfectionistic thinking?? It's getting to the point where I feel like maybe dropping out of school is a good thing, maybe I'll get some temp job in an office or something, because I cannot put myself through the ringer like this anymore. I'm so tired of torturing myself every single time I try to put pencil to paper or mouse to Illustrator. This used to be fun, before I started school. I know these are distorted thoughts, but I always feel so ridiculously unprepared every time I try to start something.

I feel like I'm not even myself, like I'm trying to manage myself like a sim whose "social" meter is completely empty. Please, how do I cope with not being able to have as much social interaction as I want, and how do I get past all this perfectionistic thinking and just get down to work?

Temporarily disable specific apps/files/folders on Mac OS 10.5.8?

zeri — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 12:40:01 -0800

I want to minimize my computer-related distractions by taking apps like SelfControl to the next level: I want to not just irreversibly disconnect from the internet for a given time period, but to even make it impossible for me to indulge in my next-favorite mindless pastime, viz. reconsuming old movies/episodes/podcasts I have saved on my HD. But I don't want to permanently delete these things. Is there a way of disabling specific apps (e.g. video players) or preventing access to specific files/folders on a Mac for a preset time period? Or even of preventing my computer from powering up at all for, say, 12 hours? (Yeah, I'm that pathetically addicted.)

How can I achieve a state of creative flow as a writer?

incandescentman — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:24:26 -0800

When I'm racing to meet a writing deadline, I feel a sense of exhilaration, momentum, and flow. How can achieve that state on a regular basis so I can make steady progress on my writing? The night before a big deadline, it's always the same thing. Under the gun to file in time, the urgency and pressure fuel me and gets me going. It's not panic, it's energy. Things start clicking. I feel inspired. The writing just flows. I wind up doing 90 percent of the writing in 10 percent of the time.

When the hour and minute of the deadline roll around, I always find myself wishing I had another 24 or 48 hours to work on the thing, now that I finally know clearly what I want to say. But by then it's too late (especially if the deadline is a live presentation of my story).

Imagine if I could get to that point a week before the deadline how much better I could make everything!

I don't know why I'm so lazy.

1. I never actually write anything unless I have to, by which I mean i.e. I have an externally-imposed deadline and someone else is sitting there WAITING for me to file
2. Even then I never seem to be able to get going until the last possible minute

It used to be that I didn't take my work seriously and I could get away with it. In college I did an all-nighter every time I had to write a paper and I always got an A.

Now it's different. I realize that this is my life and I need to stop playing around. So I write every day. However:

1. I have trouble getting started with my writing for the day. It's always "let me check my email one last time" or "oh I just remembered I need to make a doctor's appointment" or even just "let me browse headlines for a while longer before I start." Why do I feel the need to put it off so long before I start?
2. I constantly feel the need to flee my writing task and do something else, anything else. Check my email. Make coffee. Empty the trash on my desktop. Usually the distractions that pull me away from my writing aren't pure time-wasters—I'm not sitting there playing videogames when I'm supposed to be writing. Instead, it's "oh man, my friend is coming into town this weekend and I just remembered I still haven't emailed him back, I should do that right away." Or "oh if I'm going to go running this weekend, I need to order earbuds." They're important things, things I do need to do anyway. But, you know, I don't need to do them at that moment. So when I think about it after the fact, I can see: that was just me trying to escape the task of writing. Sure it's fine to take breaks. But sometimes I realize find I've only done a few minutes of writing at a time between all those other tasks.

(For context, I'm in the process of writing a narrative nonfiction book, which involves a lot of research and synthesizing information.)

Why do I indulge in this procrastination, this "experiential avoidance"? I don't know, because writing is hard and I'm lazy and my brain wants to avoid work? Fine, but writing is what I'm CHOOSING to do. I've had other jobs and they were awful and I don't want to have to go back. Which means I have to find a way to get my writing done.

I realize these are classic writers' problems, but what's the solution for God's sake?

Do rewards work on anhedonics?

cortisol — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 12:42:20 -0800

I want to reward myself for getting things done, but my depression poisons everything fun. Depressed Mefites, have you found any ways to self-reward that break through anhedonia? I'm on medication and in therapy for depression, but while I'm trying to beat it I still need to get work done. A lot of productivity systems include some kind of self-reward--schedule your recreation first, take breaks, do something nice for yourself when you succeed. This makes a lot of sense to me, but I can't figure out how to implement it because all too often I can't think of anything that I look forward to doing. Go for a walk, hang out with a friend, eat a nice meal? Those are already obligations, things I should be doing more of to help with my depression. Indulge a favorite hobby? Hobbies take work to set up and usually just result in more opportunities for self-judgment. Buy myself something cool or get a massage? Could work, but my budget is too limited to do that especially often.

What can I try to break through the funk? Or am I thinking about this the wrong way? Maybe rewarding myself simply isn't something that will work while I'm in this state of mind, and I just need to find another strategy?

What's that coming over the hill, is it a-FINALS!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

dinosaurprincess — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 04:10:20 -0800

Your tips and tricks for overcoming procrastination and revising for essay based exams please! Hello hivemind, I have my English and History finals in about three weeks and I was hoping for some help on
a) how to overcome procrastination when the task at hand just seems so overwhelming and scary
b) how to revise for my exams, as in actual strategies and directions I could follow
c) how to concentrate when what you are studying is slightly dull, repetitive and dense
Thanks so much!!

Self pacing is not a skill I have in abundance

theichibun — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 20:04:45 -0800

Any advice for surviving a pair of online classes? This semester I'm taking two classes online (English and Culinary Management) to go along with two culinary classes in the kitchen.

I've tried to do online classes before and things didn't turn out too well. One I got a D in, the other I had to drop because I had no hope of passing. Excuses about the timing being bad and life getting in the way I've got plenty of for those.

So why am I doing it to myself again? Because I had to either a schedule where I couldn't work lunch or dinner during the week or couldn't work a pair of days but all other days were totally open. When the class lists came out the only option I had was no lunch during the week.

So anyway, I've done "online" classes before. But they were all regular go to class kind of classes except we took the tests online. Way more structured and I couldn't give myself a sense of being able to do things later.

Some things I'm doing differently this time:

1 - I have management with a chef I had last semester and that I'll be in the production kitchen with 2 or 3 days a week. If I don't do something he will give me shit for it.

2 - As far as work knows I have class M-F during the lunch shifts. In reality I have Fridays open but I'm planning on using the time before work to get school stuff done.

Mot importantly, 3 - My wife will give me so much Hell if I screw around that I don't even want to think about it right now. She's already had to deal with too many times where we'd get back from being out the day something was due and I'd have to rush to get some stupid work done before the deadline.

So for those of you who have done online classes or other things where you're given a deadline but nobody's really watching to make sure you're doing anything, how did you make sure you got everything done? How did you fight off that desire to watch another episode of Star Trek instead of doing the definitions? Since I'll be in the apartment by myself during about 98% of the time I'll be able to work, how can I trick myself into actually doing the work?

I do have an Android phone to help out if you know know of anyway to utilize that.

Twas the Night Before Leaving For Christmas

Xurando — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 14:39:51 -0800

One hour to clean and straighten up very messy office so I can get some last minute work done tonight before I leave tomorrow on a 2 week break. Ready? Go. What's first? Oh, btw, not a hoarder, but want to keep some stuff.

How do you stop an internet addiction from diminishing your priorities?

raintree — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 09:45:50 -0800

Need help breaking an internet addiction before school begins. I am returning to university in January after failing out 3 years ago. I struggled with bouts of deep procrastination, hopelessly addicted to surfing the internet instead of getting my assignments finished. The problem is, my addiction to the internet continues, and I don't want it to impede my future work. I can't prioritize what is important, and I end up spending my entire day on the computer... self-control evidently does not exist. As a student, you need to access the internet in order to get work done, but this also makes it easier to open up social media websites and waste your time. Is it too drastic to think of selling my laptop? And only accessing the computer (either at a library or borrowing my mom's) when I need to get work done? Looking for any help or advice here.

Tool to track 100% of my time?

incandescentman — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 23:41:42 -0800

What's the best tool to track all my time? In the name of taking control of my time, becoming more productive, and eliminating pointless time leaks, I want to start tracking all my time.

I'm looking for an app that will allow me to easily enter what I'm doing and to time how much time I spend on each one.

I've looked on the Google for this, and I've found mostly apps that either:

1. passively track how much time I spend in different applications or on different websites, or
2. timers that are designed for tracking billable hours, and that allow you to start and stop the time you spend on various projects

I want an app that will allow me to see how I spend every hour of the day and see where my time goes. It wouldn't even need a "stop" button, because I would just go from task to task, i.e. going from "sleep" to "writing in my journal" to "showering and getting dressed to" to "eating lunch" and then to "e-mail."

Ideally this app could then output reports in two formats:

1. an actual day calendar where I can see how I spent my hours and minutes
2. aggregates of how much time I spent in each category, i.e. "meals," "work," sleep," and so on, by day, by week, etc.

Not a must, but if it also had a way to pop up and ask me what I was doing at a set interval, that could provide some helpful data.

I'm on OSX Mountain Lion, and I'm also open to web-based tools. Thanks!

How can I help my husband stay focused and on track with things that are important to both of us

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 13:40:10 -0800

How can I help my husband stay focused and on track with things that have to get done and are important to both of us. I don't want to nag and just want us both to be happier. My partner is amazing in so many ways, but has trouble following through on things because they are boring, doesn't see it as a priority or just discouraged from a few attempts that didn't go his way. These things are important to both of us and would make our life much easier and happier in the long run. How can I be supportive while asking/reminding him about the tasks at hand. A few examples are taking care of his health when something is bothering him; following up on boring paperwork that will make life easier for both of us; planning ahead so we are more relaxed in the long run; and financial planning are just a few things. Mostly it is following through with things he said he'd do or wants to do with me and for me. He has shown initiative and a quick response with some things, but if it's not a fire that needs to be put out he'll likely procrastinate and forget about it. I have tried simply asking him calmly, teasing him about it and showing my honest frustration. None have helped and he ends up feeling bad, sulking and miserable. How can I help him accomplish things that affect both of us in a healthy positive way?

Therapist recommendations for laziness/procrastionation in greater LA area

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 21:02:31 -0800

Therapist recommendations in Orange County / South LA. Specifically for procrastination and laziness issues. I'm nearly very successful, but I can't seem to work quite hard enough. Let me be clear. I'm not someone who's working 50 hours a week, and needs to up it to 100 hours. I have months where I'll barely work 20 decent hours in the whole month. I'm fantastic at the last minute multi-hour last minute cram, but that's no way to live. I'm talented and good at what I do. Better than a lot of people who work harder than I do. I'm productive enough in those 20 hours to keep an apartment rented, my own business running, my utilities paid, and my life chugging along.

I know if I could just get myself working regular, full time 40 hours a week I'd be much, much more successful. But at age 40 I haven't been able to manage that. And it's not that I'm enjoying the time I spend lazing around either. I mostly sit around, surf the internet, read, and feel bad that I'm not working like I feel I should.

Maybe it's depression, but I don't think so. I work out regularly. Have no trouble sleeping or getting out of bed. I have an ok social life and so on. I really think it's procrastination and a lack of "work ethic"/laziness. And I'm sick of it. I've read books like the "Now Habit", and while interesting haven't gotten me where I want to be.

But when I think about where I could be in my life if I consistently worked a 40 hour week I'm disgusted with myself. I want to change, but can't quite get there. (In the past, with a boss looking over my shoulder I have no problem working 40+ hours at a high level, but can't manage it myself. So I know it's something that I can do.)

What I'm looking for is a reasonably priced therapist in the Orange County/South LA area (well, I'll drive farther for someone fantastic) who can help me get to the point where I'm self motivated enough to work a regular 40 hour week without the threat of a boss looming over me, tracking my hours, and saying I may get fired. I won't get fired. I work for myself. My clients love me because I get them great results. Other people in my field recommend me to people they can't help. I'm good at what I do.

But I know I'm wasting my prime earning years and I need to make bank now so I can retire someday. And, mostly, I just want to be better. I know I can be, but I can't quite get there.

So please, let me know who's helped you. I'm wary of the effectiveness of therapists, I see lots of bad/useless ones in my work, so I may not be the best patient. But I do want to change.

I'm approach agnostic. CBT. Fine, if it does the job. Freudian psychoanalysis. The same. I just want something that works, someone who's competent and effective.

Thanks in advance.

How do I avoid procrastinating on tasks that have “fallen off the radar” / are less urgent?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Sep 2012 20:14:39 -0800

How do I avoid procrastinating on tasks that have “fallen off the radar” / are less urgent? I have seen a lot of smart threads on here productivity and recommendations for tools and systems and books to improve it (GTD, etc). I’ve bookmarked a bunch of them and think they contain a bunch of resources that may help me. I have what I think might be a specific variant on the problem of procrastination (or it may not be specific or unique at all, I don’t know), and would like to tap into the wisdom of the Hive for their thoughts on this.

I am a horrible procrastinator. You know how Zappos.com gives you 365 days to return anything? I once waited 364 to return a pair of shoes (even though I could tell the day they arrived that they didn’t fit). In college I was the type to start writing papers 24 hours or less before they were due, which resulted in a lot all-nighters and a lot of anxiety and stress. (In grad school, though, I actually had a much better handle on my schoolwork and rarely had to do all-nighters.)

Now unfortunately I am struggling a lot with productivity at work, both in terms of keeping on track of long-term products, and wasting too much time browsing the Internet when I should be working.

I think a lot of my procrastination, whether it’s work tasks or life tasks, follows a similar pattern, though: once I’ve put something off for a little while, it becomes monumentally difficult to go back and actually do it. Part of it, I think, is dealing with the shame of having not already done that task, and I want to avoid those feelings, so I get into a vicious cycle so I put it off even longer and build greater shame. That might have been at play in the shoe example, as silly as it sounds. And maybe you could say- you’re fine, you returned the shoes on time, what’s the problem? But carrying around that undone thing on my to-do list for so long causes me a lot of anxiety even if I eventually get it done “on time.”

I also think that sometimes tasks simply fall off my radar when they aren’t things that were assigned to me that day or week, or they don’t seem important. The thing is, these generally aren’t things that I really can or should simply not do. They’re important tasks, just not ones with dire immediate consequences of not doing them. It’s like, at work if I’m told on Monday, “Do xyz by Wednesday” I’ll generally get it done. But if I’m given a long-term project that we’d like you to get done in the next 2 months but if it takes 3 that’s not really a problem…. Then I will procrastinate on it.

You could simply say: do stuff right away… but I don’t think that’s always possible or even most productive (if you’re working on something else), and even when it is sometimes you fall down and let things slide and you have to pick them back up…. But how?

I bought Getting Things Done 3 years ago and have only paged through it (yes, I know). Should I (finally) read it and maybe try to implement some of it? I think there’s a lot of psychological stuff going on with me that I’m not sure if those kinds of books address, though.

I have been seeing a therapist for the past year, but we’ve been focusing more on relationship issues I was dealing with and my ongoing struggle with depression (I also take anti-depressants). I tried a stimulant (I think I generic version of Ritalin but I can’t remember), but it just made me feel like I was on speed in a way that was not conducive to productivity.

Appreciate any advice or stories of dealing with and/or overcoming similar struggles. Thank you!

I like work but not when I have to.

jumelle — Sat, 15 Sep 2012 09:59:04 -0800

If I feel like I "have" to do something, or that I'll get something out of doing something, I immediately lose interest. How can I learn to enjoy tasks for their own sake, even when I know that's not why I'm doing them? As long as there are no negative or positive repercussions at stake, I can perform-- or attempt to perform-- simple, complex, mundane or interesting tasks without much anxiety.

But if I feel like I'm going to get something out of the situation, or be punished if I don't fulfill the task, it becomes an ordeal.

Instead of being motivated by rewards or punishments, I become consumed by them. Instead of thinking about the task, I just think about how I don't need the future reward, or won't get the reward, how there's probably a less time consuming way to get what I want, or how the punishment won't be that bad if I face it.

I try to forget about those things while I'm working, but it's impossible to put these thoughts out of my mind because I'm always working within project constraints. I think, "I don't want to do it this way. Do I have everything on the checklist? If I were working on my own, I could do whatever I wanted. It's not like I need any reward, this is moronic," etc.

But of course, I just procrastinate and wind up doing it any way. This is a stupid and ineffective way to work, but the more I feel I stand to gain or lose by doing something, the sicker I feel when I do it. Do you have any suggestions on how to enjoy these tasks for their own sake, even when I know that's not why I'm performing them?

How do I deal with an oppositional child? (Child within, that is.)

summer sock — Fri, 14 Sep 2012 16:07:09 -0800

There are things that I genuinely want to do and like doing, but something in me rebels. Help. How can I get past the big fat NO that emerges pretty much anytime I start or contemplate just about any endeavor? I genuinely enjoy having a clean house, and when there's music on, I genuinely enjoy cleaning. (Really!) At the opposite end of the spectrum, I enjoy making crafts. However, there is a part of me that is very much like an oppositional, frustrating child that says "FUCK no we are not going to do that. We are just going to surf the internet/take a nap/watch TV." Too often that part wins out, resulting in self-loathing and lack of satisfaction that I know I would get if I were only to JUST DO IT. Since I already know this, why do I let the frustrating child win -- and more importantly, how do I get past this problem (which has been pretty much life-long)? Please note: I am already considering therapy, so please don't exhort me to go. However, if you have been in therapy for this problem specifically, I would love to hear how you and your therapist dealt with it. Also: yes, I have been treated for ADHD and tried many medications. They do not help with this particular problem -- they just make me a more intense web surfer.

Idiopathic delayed note syndrome

The Elusive Architeuthis — Wed, 12 Sep 2012 11:58:43 -0800

I supervise a person who has enormous difficulty finishing her case notes. My efforts to remediate her so far have been unsuccessful. How can I help her finish her work? I am the supervisor for a clinical worker. Like most clinicians, each visit with a patient is documented in a note in the record, which has to be signed to complete it. We switched over to an electronic medical record with computerized notes a few months ago, and after an initial period of difficulty and grumbling, almost everyone in the group achieved a rhythm where they finished their notes after their patient session or at most a few days afterwards. However, this person seems to be incapable of actually signing her notes, leaving them to accumulate in her inbox.

She is very nice, but generally kind of anxious and inefficient person who is bad at multitasking. She has been here for a very long time, and is generally beloved by her patients--spending lots of time talking with them in person and on the phone. Her patient sessions usually run over time by at least 1 hour. However, she is very good at the clinical aspects of her work, just not the record keeping. This person has always had difficulty finishing her notes, but when we had paper charts the sheer accumulation would usually get her to finish them up in a few days. Now there is no physical presence clogging up her desk.

The problem is that those notes MUST BE FINISHED. There are legal, regulatory and billing issues around having things unsigned for long periods, and she's way out of any reasonable grace period on most of these. My institution does not have a formal policy on this though--apparently they are in the process of writing one, but it's slow going. So far higher-level intervention in the case has taken the form of my superiors asking me to get her to finish stuff.

I've looked at the notes, and they're very detailed and pretty complete. Most of them just need a couple of concluding sentences and an electronic signature. I have looked at them with her, and if these were my notes it would take no longer than 5 minutes to complete each one. It is apparently taking her an average of about 25 minutes to complete a single note (which are already 90% done), which, no wonder she's falling behind (to the tune of 500+ unsigned notes at the moment).

I let things go on too long before getting really hardnosed about it, because she had some very significant stressors in her personal life earlier this year, and I honestly did think she would get caught up. I think there is a very substantial component of shame and perfectonism going on, and possibly also some actual compulsiveness, but I'm not sure how to help her.
I've talked to her about it on multiple, multiple occasions and she always says the same thing, which is that she was behind for X reason but is starting to get caught up now and she just needs to take some time on the weekends, etc. Meanwhile she continues to fall behind. Here's what I've done at this point:

-she has agreed to complete 50 notes per week. So far this is a big failure; she's still falling further behind.

- we are meeting on a weekly basis for a progress check. Again, so far this is unsuccessful.

-I've found time to give her the equivalent of a week just to complete some of her backlog of notes. (These days are mostly upcoming--the scheduling required some time to set up). But this is obviously not a long-term solution.

-She already works less than full time.

-She understands why she needs to have these done and that she is risking both her job and the practice's accreditation

-I and another manager have met with her to make sure she is comfortable with the EMR system. She hasn't learned a lot of the expert tips/tricks, but she is comfortable with all the basics.

-I've tried to give her help on structuring her time, focusing on essentials, setting external limits on how long she works on a single document (I suggested using a timer).

-I have considered completing some of these for her, and just have her look them over and sign off on them, but I have a lot of my own work to do and can't really do it in the numbers she needs.

I do not have the power to fire this person directly, although probably I could make it happen if I showed that she had failed remediation efforts, but I would really rather not. She is well-liked, a good clinician, and has had a very rough year. But the number of unsigned notes stretching back months is approaching the ludicrous and attracting unwelcome attention from higher administration.

What else can I do to help her 1) finish her astounding backlog of unfinished work, and 2) stay on top of new notes? I'm running out of managerial tricks.

Reason vs emotion: Can't afford baby. Want a baby

tulip-socks — Fri, 03 Aug 2012 10:52:02 -0800

Coming to terms with circumstances. Baby fever edition. I need help doing it. How did you decide to be ok with waiting to get pregnant? Alternatively, how did you decide to go ahead and attempt pregnancy even though it was a bad idea financially in the short term? What books or articles or blog posts can I read (the library is right down the street!) that address this? I have a mystery illness (frighteningly a likely ovarian teratoma, which may or may not be causing everything else, the tumor needs to come out but there is a lot of red tape between me and surgery), no job, and a boyfriend in 3rd year of medical school. I'm 30 and have always wanted to be a mother, this desire grows stronger every time I begin day one of another menstrual cycle. I'm taking birth control pills. I'm job searching and have geared up for volunteering here locally.

I've recently moved from one big city to another with better health care options for whatever is going on.

Boyfriend is very confident that he wants kids. We have moved in together and discuss these things with a great deal of candor. He has the privilege of being male, and not having the female egg quality hysteria that I worry about. (close family members of mine battling with not conceiving, and/or miscarriages) He has asked what he can do to help me with this, and I don't know. When I see the doctor about everything else I'll be asking about longer acting birth control, like depo-provera.

Other worries I have for delaying pregnancy are my being so much more exhausted than when I was 20 or 27. the prospect of starting (maybe) a 'real' career in the meantime and then putting it on hold to either give birth or adopt.

Financially, having a baby now would be a nightmare. I can't get my family to front me $100 so I can get the labs and lap required for the. Ext step of my medical care. They'd probably go nuts buying tiny baby clothes, but my married sister just had a miscarriage....recently. Her pregnancy and subsequent loss both definitely have something to do withy asking his now. I don't want to be a jealous monster when she does carry a baby to term.

Obviously, my health is a priority, and there is a (small, tiny) chance that my lady bits are trying to kill me anyway and getting pregnant may be out of the question entirely. But I'm pretty sure that if I wait 5 years and cannot bring a pregnancy to term, I will have some...regret? Anger? And it's not necessarily healthy to worry about how I might feel in 5 years.

Yes. Therapy is in the works. But the aforementioned labs? Also required to get a referral to affordable mental health care. So that's. Why I need your reading suggestions and/or anecdotes to help me get a handle on this issue. I have participated in DBT in the past, have a work book and still find it very helpful. Therapy is awesome.

I'm familiar with sociological theories of delaying childbearing (I am firmly in the group that waits to have a kid until you're established as an adult, not the group that is likely to join adulthood - my circumstances, this economy leave me feeling like here should be a third group!), know about sliding vs deciding, am not wanting a child to tie me to this particular man (we already express a great deal of commitment to each other), not wanting a baby to 'have someone to love me,' and might be wanting permission to just go ahead and have a baby after my health is sorted out.

(we live in the US, which is not super pro-mom, and many would argue is actively anti-motherhood.)

How do I end the cycle of self-sabotage?

Anonymous — Thu, 02 Aug 2012 05:35:46 -0800

How do I end the cycle of self-sabotage? So, I'm in a really bad spot right now. My husband has just moved out and is threatening divorce. I'm on probation at work and I think it's very likely that I may be fired soon. This is all because I keep doing everything in my power to make sure that I stay unhappy. I can't help myself.

My self-sabotage is usually in the form of extreme procrastination (I would call it chronic... almost like an addiction). I put off everything, but especially things that are good for me or things that I actually want to do. However, my self-destructive habits run much deeper. I lie a lot and I've cheated on my spouse. I'm unreliable. I break promises. I'm what you would call an energy vampire. You know when you decide to cut people out of your life because you realize it's not healthy to be around them? I'm that person.

But I'm *desperate* not to be. I need to turn my life around -- quickly -- in order to save my marriage, my career, and any remnants of self-worth. But I fear that this behavior is now a deeply engrained habit. I've tried to change SO MANY TIMES. I've read so many self-help books. I've been in therapy off and on for years. But nothing has convinced me at a cellular level to change. I know that ultimately the answer is that I need to improve my self-esteem. But it's so hard to do that when I'm screwing things up for myself -- and others -- on a daily basis.

A few other possibly pertinent details:
- I've been diagnosed with ADHD and biplolar type 2 and am on meds for both (although remembering to take my meds is a big challenge -- yet another way I undermine my happiness and success).
- I'm in my mid-thirties. Although procrastination has been a problem all my life, it became a real issue in college (I graduated on time by the skin of my teeth). I had self-destructive tendencies all through my twenties, but they became acute in my early thirties.
- Despite all of the above, I do believe that at my core I'm a smart, capable, and a genuinely kind person. Up until the last year or so, I've been very successful career-wise in spite of these issues. On the whole, my marriage is full of love. But my husband has just had enough of me. He says he still loves me and wants to stay married, but I need to dramatically change before he can consider it a healthy environment for him to be in.

What else can I do? Many people in my life have told me to stop being so selfish and to just get over myself. I do think that I'm probably too self-centered, but I don't think that I'm selfish (or at least I really don't want to be). And, believe me, I've tried to just "get over myself." But to no avail. I'm so, so frustrated.

Thank you for any advice.

Help me finish a PhD in 6 weeks

slimeline — Tue, 31 Jul 2012 11:46:34 -0800

Help me to make a great leap forward in my PhD in the next six weeks. I am in the last year of my PhD (philosophy) so the thesis has to be finished by December, however, I am also full time university lecturer, so when the term starts my ability to write every day is drastically compromised. By selling part of my soul I negotiated almost complete freedom for the next six weeks and I want to use them to make massive progress with writing the thesis. I already have about 40,000 words written and I am hoping to write another 40,000 over the next 6 weeks. The challenge is to stick to the daily quota of 1,000 words, as some days it is possible, even fun, other days it is very very hard. My question is what can I do to maximize my chances of finishing a rough draft in the next 6 weeks by doing 1,000 words a day? How do I keep motivated, energized, not giving in to "I'll never get there" kind of thoughts and not wasting too much time while at the same time not loosing the will to live. I need advise regarding tricks that keep one motivated, food supplements or anything else that helped you with a similar task. Are there any vitamins / amino-acids that might help? I do a bit of mindfulness meditation now and then to manage stress. So any help, and particularly personal experience of finishing something like this is very welcome. Thank you everyone.

I wish I could be a completely different person.

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 11:17:15 -0800

I have so many problems--I'm so far from being the person I want to be --that I don't even know where to start. If you were me, what would you do this week to try to build up to some change? I am: just your average early 30s lady with a history of childhood abuse and of major trauma in the past 5 years, some of it still ongoing, and with treatment-resistant depression. I have some ADHD symptoms but the psychologist who evaluated me did not consider them significant enough to warrant medication. I am also: already in therapy and on medication; I have also been in dialectical behavior group therapy but can't afford to do it right now. I am also: in graduate school but working a lucrative freelance contract at present.

I just feel like a total mess. I get that none of these things are necessarily "bad" and that most of them, frankly, are habits that have been created while trying very desperately just to survive, but I just wish I could be a different person. Can you help me figure out how to change without feeling like I have to do it all at once?

I have problems with:
Food. I am a compulsive eater and have gained and lost weight. I'm pretty sure that the extra weight I carry is because of my food compulsions, not because of genetics.

Caffeine and tobacco. I drink enormous amounts of coffee and Diet Coke, which fucks up my sleep and my eating. I am quitting smoking (again) this week, because the medication I take makes the physiological symptoms negligible, but I am worried that I will freak out and start again as soon as something difficult comes up.

Work. I am an intense procrastinator and have been my entire life. For example: Downloaded Leechblock for Firefox, spent 3 hours trying to figure out how to game it. Crowed about my success but had wasted 3 hours.

Exercise. I should be doing it for many reasons, but find it difficult to sustain.

Cleanliness. My house is a slovenly mess and I find it difficult to pick up after myself.

Internet. Addicted to the internet. Full stop. (I have several small addictions, I guess.)

Money. I eat out all the time. Partly because my kitchen is gross. Partly because it's a way to feel taken care of. But I can't afford it.

Here's what I wish my life looked like: I have a mostly-tidy home that feels good to wake up in. I get up and go to bed at the same times every day, roughly. I have lots of different routines in my day--cooking for myself, picking up after myself, getting some exercise, doing some yoga or meditation, having a regular work schedule (spend some time on the dissertation; spend some time on freelance work; spend some time building my freelance business every day). I shower and wear clean clothes every day. I remember to take all my meds every day. I don't rush to meet deadlines. I read and teach myself my musical instrument and maybe do a little crafting for fun. I eat mostly whole foods I've prepared myself.

It all sounds nice, and it all sounds like a life I will never have--like it would require being a completely different person. Is that true? I don't think I want all that much. I just don't know where to start. I want to be able to tell a different story about myself, but sometimes that seems impossible.

So. Where would you start?

How to pull oneself out of a book by the bootstraps?

sibilatorix — Mon, 09 Jul 2012 14:02:31 -0800

How do I drag myself out the door to do the things I want to do? I'm frequently late to classes, dates, meetings, and the like. I am aware that this is harmful to me and disrespectful to others, and would like to change my ways.

After reading some other threads, I will try some tricks: First are the rewards for being early - specifically, treating myself to a nice pastry and piece of fruit when I leave early for class in the morning. (Most people seem to reward themselves with coffee, but it holds no appeal for me.) Second, I'll keep a CD player with some good music on my bike at all times, since that makes the ride to wherever I'm going a little more enticing.

The main problem, though, is dragging myself out of another activity, usually a book or webcomic. I get so engrossed in these distractions that getting up - even to do something I enjoy immensely or visit someone I love - seems like an incredible hassle, and I put it off until I'm horribly late.

I've tried setting alarms to no avail. It's not an issue of estimating how long things take, just motivating myself to switch activities.

What tips and tricks can you suggest for breaking this habit?

Can I find someone to yell at me until I finish my work?

chocolatemilkshakes — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 11:12:08 -0800

Is there audio I can download to encourage me not to give up on tasks? I'm looking for some sort of Mp3 that would be like the semi-annoying people on workout videos who say: "Come on, don't give up. I know it's tough, but think how great you are going to look if you keep it up..."

The other day I was doing a workout video, and cheesey as it seems, hearing a voice acknowledging that it was hard and I did want to give up, but could that I could overcome that, helped me make it through the workout.

I have a hard time completing tasks in general. Especially timed tasks like "sit down and work on this for 4 hours." But there are a lot of time dependent projects just like that I am currently working on.

So... could I find some sort of motivational/drill sergeant-ish recording to listen to while I work to encourage me to keep going? I'm not really looking for affirmational "you are smart and capable, etc." kind of thing. I'm specifically looking for: "hang in there, don't give up. You're going to be disappointed in yourself if you give up." That sort of thing.

Have any of you used similar motivators to stick to a task?

Thanks in advance!

Why can't I just get up early, shower and dress, eat, walk the dog, and go?

Scientist — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 10:49:19 -0800

How can I train myself to get into work by 9AM when nobody but me seems to care at all what time I come in? Evening person here. I hate mornings like Garfield hates Mondays. I'm also a big procrastinator, moreso than most people, and anyway I find it hard to power through an unpleasant task without some kind of external stimulus prodding me along. Getting up and out of the house in the morning is such a task, and it's causing me no end of frustration.

I have a job I like where I set my own hours, and that's great. I have work to do, and I'm expected to just come in and do it in whatever time works best for me. Nobody has complained that I'm not getting my work done -- my supervisors are supportive and empowering and seem very happy with my performance.

I, however, am not happy with my performance. I want to be spending more time at work and I want to get there earlier in the morning. The experience I am getting is very valuable to me, I can really use the extra hours, and I enjoy my work and find it much more fulfilling than procrastinating for three hours in the morning about getting up and out the door. I would not be lacking for things to do, either.

I don't know why I can't seem to manage this. I wake up as late as 9:30, have a long breakfast on my computer or with a book, shower, maybe read some more, get dressed, make lunch, procrastinate about random unimportant things, pack my bag, putt around the house a bit straightening up things that could probably wait, walk the dog, water the plants... I probably have about a solid hour of work to do in the morning to get ready, but between oversleeping and procrastination I usually end up spending more like three not-very-pleasant hours doing things instead of just powering through and getting out the door. It's become a habit and a source of great frustration.

What can I do about this? How can I retrain myself? Just thinking hard about this is almost physically painful, and as much as I try to stay on track I find myself wandering off, sometimes accidentally and sometimes intentionally. I would feel much better about life in general if I could get this under control. Help!

Is there such thing as a procrastination coach?

chocolatemilkshakes — Mon, 11 Jun 2012 17:53:43 -0800

Can I hire a "life tutor" to help me kick procrastination and organize my projects? I've recently graduated and have a lot on my plate. A job, freelancing work, and a pretty big volunteer project. All of these are worked online from home. Unfortunately, I have carried my awful procrastination habit over from college (I was hoping it would magically disappear after I graduated...) This has negatively affected all of my projects, and I really can't go on like this. I've been trying pretty hard to do better and get more done every day. Although I've had sooome success, I also am not making any huge breakthrough. I've realized that part of my problem is that when I hit a wall and am not sure what to do on a project, that is when I procrastinate. So if I'm on a roll, moving along, I can get a lot done, but if I run into needing to do something I don't know how to do - I freeze. Or, more accurately I find an interesting Tubmlr or check Facebook.

I think it would be really helpful to have someone to help me work through things. I had a tutor once during a crazy class in college that I had gotten super behind on. She was great, because not only did she help me learn the material, but she helped me organize my time and make a step by step plan to tackle the whole project. I really wish that there was someone like this that could help with life in general. I feel like there must be, somewhere. It would be really cool if I could find someone that did 15-30 minute sessions occasionally to make plans and check in on progress, but also might be online on chat and available during the day - so when I felt like procrastinating I could chat them and say - "hey I'm stuck because I'm not sure how I should reply to this client (or fill in the blank with a task)," and the tutor/coach could just help me work through it until I made a decision, instead of being indecisive and totally quitting what I was working on.

Does someone like this exist? What are they called? Where can I find them? I'm looking for someone that would do all the coaching online. I don't currently have a car.