Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with pregnancy

How to avoid the "just kidding, we're not pregnant anymore ..."

kthxbi — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:24:01 -0800

How long does a couple usually wait before announcing a pregnancy? My cousin's wife just miscarried after announcing the pregnancy about a month ago (she was just under 2 months along at the time). It is my understanding that until the third month or so it's not a sure deal as to whether the baby will stick, if you will. Cousin says he deeply regrets telling people now (he went so far as to announce his to-be daddy-ness on facebook) since he'll have to announce the miscarriage now too. Is there a social norm for how long to wait before telling the world?

Why should you only have intercourse every other day during ovulation when trying to get pregnant?

Anonymous — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:17:00 -0800

Why should you only have intercourse every other day during ovulation when trying to get pregnant? My husband and I have just started trying to get pregnant. We went for a pre-conception consultation and the doctor mentioned that we should shoot for having sex every other day between days 10-18 of my cycle.

I should have asked at the time, but I didn't think to. And now I wonder why only every other day? Is there a reason not to have sex every day?

If anyone can shed any light on this it would be great!

Too Little Too Late?

Bueller — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 23:18:08 -0800

Breastfeeding Filter: When is the breastfeeding window of opportunity over for good? So I had a baby three weeks ago, tried breastfeeding for a couple of days and then had some complications and got very sick (infection and severe anemia). I was hospitalized and nothing happened on the breastfeeding front for almost two weeks and the baby went on formula and did very well. I was pretty much given up on as far as lactation specialists and breastfeeding was concerned. I tried pumping a couple of times and nothing. I was told that this can happen when anemic and sick, etc.

So, now at three weeks post delivery, it seem like my milk finally came in...a little. I can pump out a few tablespoons a day with a manual pump--the only breastfeeding supply I have since I wasn't expecting to be doing this. The kid will latch on for a few minutes at a time but doesn't get much this way. All my chances to see lactation specialists are over now (in regards to insurance coverage.) So basically now I pump a few tablespoons out and pour it in to a bottle with formula and allow the baby to latch on for a few minutes before he gets his bottle. He eats up to four ounces or more at a time, every three hours or so.

So, question: Is there any point to this? Do I have a shot at breastfeeding him or did the window close for me and now I am just running on exhaust at the tail end of my "milk comes in" window? It is time consuming and tiring to do both bottle/breast/pump like this. Is there a point to this or is it too little too late to matter that much.

I'm not a crazed "kid needs to be breastfed at all cost" person, however, I'll put in the time and work if it is advantageous and might improve. I'm ok with doing part formula/part breastfeeding too. Just trying to choose the best course of action (Greatest benefit to baby without killing mom with extra work).

Unemployed pregnant lady wants to work.

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 17:14:02 -0800

I've been unemployed for a year and have had an unsuccessful job hunt. I've recently discovered (happily) that I'm pregnant. This changes everything. I have been looking for primarily full time opportunities in creative services project planning. That is the path I have unwittingly found myself on, although in the back of my head I've been thinking of going back to school for my masters and changing paths. I couldn't get into a Masters program until at least the fall of '11

Discovering I'm pregnant (6 weeks along, 1st and probably only baby) changes all of this. If I interview for FT jobs NOW, I would feel extremely guilty not disclosing my pregnancy, knowing I'd only be there until August. (I think I would really like to take a year to be with the baby, and not just two to three months maternity leave, but I'm pretty sure I'd want to get on with a career after that.) But no one is going to hire a pregnant lady. This is going to be a LONG 8 months if I don't find work. My husband and I are being conservative with spending and thus ok financially on just one income. But I'm insane, and I'd really like to work while I'm pregnant. I'm also freaking out about this big gap on my resume and there's about to be another big gap. One other problem is my last two jobs were short, less than a year (Even though I was at my first job for 8 years). If I take another job for less than a year again, this looks bad. I'm in my mid thirties, if this matters.

So, my question is: Do I continue to seek out FT employment and wait to disclose the pregnancy (assuming I even get an interview while I still have a flat belly), knowing I'd probably only be there until August? I've tried looking for contract/short term jobs to no avail. Other ideas for a pregnant lady that wants to work for a while? I won't to administrative temp stuff.

Throw away email preggerstowork@gmail.com

Single mother by choice needs help deflecting silly comments

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 08:07:18 -0800

What are some other terms for illegitimate, fatherless children of single mothers? Help me respond to critical, concerned and old fashioned comments with a bit of humour. So I went to a laboratory and got knocked up by a test tube, there's no father and I'm not in a relationship. It's my first child, the pregnancy is starting to show, and I am trying to answer the many questions I get with a bit of humour. Obviously I am stoked about what I'm doing, and it was totally on purpose, but people still have that knee-jerk "Oh honey I'm sorry" response some times, as if the child and myself have been abandoned and are to be pitied. Either that, or they are sorry that I have chosen to do something that they feel strongly against on some moral/religious level. I accept both, but not without a small rebuttal.

Taking derogatory terms about my situation and making them my own is a powerful tool, and I would like to have more up my sleeve. I like to tell people about how I just love my illegitimate fatherless fetus and it's just how I wanted it, which seems to do the trick. I sort of take what they're thinking (worst case scenario) and make it mine, without lodging an attach against them. I say it with a chuckle.

Feel free to comment, good or bad. How would you handle this?

What are some other terms I could use to describe me and/or my baby and/or my situation? Bastard child, maybe?

Have you or anyone you know been in similar shoes, and how did you respond to critical or concerned questions and reactions?

Also, as a side note, do you find this tasteless?

Relationship over. I can't move, heal..

iam2bz2p — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:27:24 -0800

Had good reasons for breakup. Then a reconciliation. And then... (Only those who can't turn away from gawking at a bloody traffic accidents need read on...) One year relationship. Many ups and downs, but love there. Were we best friends in the relationship. She moves in six months after we start dating. She has a three-year old son.

We have real ups, month of cruising along just fine and then downs. Three months later, her behavior begins to change-- we're arguing regularly (not something in my nature), she's acting irrational, I'm getting frustrated and angry. She has several full-blown freakouts over small things. A rollercoaster. She had stopped taking her meds. Zoloft. Didn't tell me. Has panic attacks. Didn't tell me.

I don't see a future ahead, although I had an engagement ring ready in the wings. I didn't fully commit to her son or her.

I ended the relationship. She was devastated. We still lived together another two weeks. I was good. Felt good. Knew it was the right decision.

Six weeks later, I'm missing her and her son terribly. So lonely in the house. So quiet. I miss my friend, my mate. The boy. I run into an old friend. Tells me he's divorced. Wife stopped taking her meds (thought she was happy now, and didn't need them). Same thing with her. Gives evidence that maybe the meds were a key factor in the breakup.

We begin to take walks. Heal. Talk easily. But she tells me that she just began seeing someone. A week of talking, my resolution firmer, my clarity improves. I want to reconcile. Seek therapy. For the first time (I'm 42) I REALLY understand and experience what it is to fully commit to a woman. I'm different . I KNOW now what it MEANS to truly commit to another person. I accepted ALL her issues. I told her this. I accepted her in her entirety. I knew the risks.

We reunite on a Sunday night. Deep commitments exchanged. Marriage. I would adopt her son. We'd dedicate ourselves to counseling. She breaks up with guy she'd been seeing for almost a month. Was sleeping with him.

I'm so happy Sunday night and all Monday. She cooks a wonderful dinner Monday night. We're in bed. I have to ask hard questions about the other guy.

Did you use protection?
No.
Did you tell him to pull out and not cum inside you.
No.
Do you think you could be pregnant.
No way.

She says no way. She counted the days. Impossible. She laughs it off. No way she says.

I said we need to get a test. At 11:30PM I'm at the grocery store asking them to unlock the glass case where they keep the trojans and the pregnancy tests. I buy one. I'm one of the last people in the store at that time of night.

I get to her house. We're in the bathroom. Digital. 99% accurate. Two answers: Pregnant. Not Pregnant.

No blue + or red -.

Simple English.

It reads: "Pregnant"

Everything explodes.

I don't want to raise the children of two other men. I love her. I want her. But not that. I'm destroyed. She's destroyed. No sleep.

The next morning, Tuesday, she tells guy who was just dumped 24 hours before. I'm pregnant. He's away on business. I go to think. He thinks. She thinks. We're all confused.

Would never have an abortion. She considers adoption. I knew she couldn't do it. My decision was that I'd stay we'd be together through the pregancy, but she'd have to give the baby up for adoption and then the three of us would continue our life together from there.

Three days later, she decides to keep the baby. That's my deal breaker. She works to repair relationship with other guy. She calls me two days after making her decision. 10 minutes she's weeping. Sobbing. Wants to be with me. Knew it from our first date. Wishes the baby inside her was mine.

The other guy is VERY happy to have her + baby + son. He's 46, divorced, has three kids already.

I'm destroyed. A life so clear 72 hours before, gone. The depth of commitment, like I'd never experienced. I'm grieving. Mourning. Cannot stop thinking about her. The what-if's. I'm hardly eating. Sleeping. (and I'd never miss a meal or go without a solid black expanse of 8 hours of sleep)

After our breakup, she moved across the street. I see her car gone all night. She's with him. Sleeping with him. I've left her, reconciled, and then lost her forever.

Never through anything like this. Never. For the first time I've experienced what it means to fully commit and then lose. I had a choice.

Start of second week after. I'm worse everyday. I know you'll say time will heal. But I'm 42. I'm tortured by the idea that I'll never fall in love like that again. Took me 42 years to find her.

The weight of the lonliness is crushing me. I have too much free time to fill. 8 hours per night. All weekend. Trying to stay busy, but can't fill that many hours.

She's keeping the baby. It's not like she chose the other guy over me. She chose the baby and I chose a life that didn't include the baby + baby daddy.

A reconcilation is not possible. The other guy's in love. She tell him she's in love. Tells me she'll learn to love him. He seems like a good guy. Knows he was second choice. She's a risk for sure. Takes guts.

He'll take care of her (he has money). He'll be good for her. She'll keep me forever in her heart. She'll cry for us some nights alone. But we'll never be together.

I know this.

I know this.

I hate this.

Help. What advice / experiences could you share to help me move on?

Am I pregnant?

FergieBelle — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:11:41 -0800

Did antibiotics + unprotected sex get me pregnant? I am a long time user of a monophasic birth control pill. Due to a sinus infection, I started Omnicef for 10 days on about day 3 of my new pack of pills. Then, I had unprotected sex around day 5 of my cycle. Then, around day 14 of my cycle, I experienced light spotting of pinkish-red blood in the mornings only. It is highly unusual for me to spot.
I have been warned that it's possible that antibiotics can interfere with the way hormones in the pill work, but I have also heard that's not really true. So, at any rate, do you think the antibiotics could cause spotting? Or am I pregnant? :) It's too early for a test to tell.
I have a history of functional ovarian cysts, so I don't know if that actually means I am ovulating or not. At any rate, birth control pills have proved very effective for me for the past 15 years. I am just at a loss to explain ther spotting. Could it be implantation bleeding?

What is (or is there any) relationship between cancer, pregnancy, and a fetus?

raztaj — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 15:06:19 -0800

What is (or is there any) relationship between cancer, pregnancy, and a fetus? I have been wondering for some time about the relationship between a pregnant mother with a late stage (3 or 4) cancer, and how this affects a fetus, if at all. Does it depend on the type of cancer? Are cancerous cells ever transferred from a mother to a fetus?

Have there been any studies about increased risk of certain cancers because of pregnancy? (i.e., not just familial history, but with the added factor of being in a womb of someone with late stage cancer)

I am curious about cancers in general, but bonus insight about melanoma would be good to know. My mom found out that she had stage 3 malignant melanoma the morning she went into the hospital to deliver me. In my late 20's now, I'm in very good health, and am conscious of sun-exposure and changes to moles, but still sometimes wonder about the effect of having cancer while pregnant.

Likelihood of miscarriage?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 10:52:58 -0800

Question about finding risk statistics for early pregnancy. I am newly pregnant and am a 'facts and figures' type person and really want to find out what the likelihood is of early miscarriage, 'missed abortion', ectopic and molar pregnancies in the first trimester. I know that early miscarriages are not at all uncommon, but I need numbers! This is anonymous as I don't want to risk family & friends finding out that I'm pregnant.

Yes, I'm pregnant! It was planned, and we're overjoyed! Five weeks today, so there's still a long time to go. I'm a nervous wreck, and due to a combination of factors, I can't get access to the answers I need.

I live in the Netherlands. I speak fluent Dutch, but I'm not a local and this is my first pregnancy here. The Dutch medical system tends to be fairly hands-off, which I am used to and accept, but I am so emotional right now (hormones!) and I cannot reconcile my fears with the lack of available knowledge. Although I have seen my doctor, I have not been examined, had any sort of tests, nor had these scheduled or been given any indication of when these might occur. It appears that in this country I will not be checked at all until at least around ten weeks.

I don't know whether this is due to hormones or what, but I am a bit worried that something might be wrong and would like some reassurance. It appears that I'm not going to get any sort of concrete reassurance here - I have even had brown spotting since last Saturday, along with all sorts of cramping (although this can be normal during pregnancy) and I just got told that I had to wait and see, and that time would tell whether or not it was a miscarriage. I just find it very hard to accept that there is a good possibility of me having a healthy, viable pregnancy right now and I worry that there is something wrong that will not be discovered until I have a scan at around ten weeks. I realise that there is always that possibility, but when your HCG levels haven't even been checked, you start to worry that even the most obvious signs might be ignored. I feel that I could cope with a miscarriage, but that finding out about a 'missed abortion' or worse, a molar pregnancy, at such a late stage would be emotionally devastating for me when there was the possibility of blood tests indicating a heightened risk at an earlier stage.

I have changed doctors because I felt my long-term doctors were too blase, but my new doctor, though very nice and I believe very professional, is no more interested in running blood tests etc than the old ones were. I just keep getting told that I will have to "wait and see" and that "nothing can be done".

To compound matters, I am currently changing SSRIs (I suffer from relatively mild depression and anxiety) due to the pregnancy. I am very happy with the medical supervision I'm receiving in this regard, so that's not my question, though it probably has an enormous impact on my ability to cope with uncertainty right now.

My question is this:
Given that I am only five weeks pregnant, am 36 years old, and have had no blood tests or exams, what are my risk factors for various types of problems during pregnancy? I'm looking for any sources that might suggest things such as "X percentage of women who have a positive pregnancy test after the first day of a missed period have molar pregnancies/missed miscarriages/etc etc."

The irony of having to turn to the internet for this kind of information is certainly not lost on me. I find it incredible that I have a full insurance in a so-called civilised country and I can't get anyone to even tell me exactly when I can expect to have a blood test, for example. I'm just feeling more and more trapped and helpless, and arming myself with statistics is the only way I can think of to try to cope.

The other irony, of course, is that if I should decide I want a termination then I would get a medical examination and some blood tests, maybe even a scan to determine the exact age of the embryo. In my current useless emotional state, that only makes me cry more. Please help me with some stats!

Help us have sex again

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:40:33 -0800

My luverly wife and I had a baby a few months ago. He's a great little feller. We're now ready, physically, to have sex again but... (possibly NSFW) We haven't had sex in a long time, we pretty much stopped as soon as we found out we were pregnant. Our married sex life has always been quite unhealthy (unlike pre-marriage, which was great - WUWT?) but we love each other and all that and it's not threatening the relationship or anything.

But now we're ready to start again. Except I don't know where to start. Or how to start. My wife is beautiful and wonderful and she can certainly arouse me but the idea of going back to the awkward sex we were having for the year or two preceding the baby isn't exactly appealing.

I want us to do it right this time around and try to either get back to where we were pre-marriage or go somewhere different (if those carefree teenage-like mega-session-rompings aren't capable of being repeated).

Over-disclosure necessary as this is being posted anonymously: I'm game for anything, she's very sensitive and doesn't like much foreplay other than digital stimulation. I would love to get beyond her body issues (she won't let me do oral and any kind of general touching is, apparently, just tickling as far as she's concerned) but I don't know if that's possible. She likes sex, but something went wrong somewhere along the line (probably my fault, directly or indirectly) and I'd like to fix it. Naturally, suggesting that something is wrong and needs to be fixed would probably upset her quite a bit.

Please help. I'd really appreciate it if you could give specific advice (as opposed to "rekindle the romance" or "show her that you care and it's not all about sex".) Especially bearing in mind that we have a wee baby in the house so romantic getaways and things like that are a bit hard. Personal experience would be greatly valued and if you don't want to share here, feel free to write to me at readytohavesexafterbaby@gmail.com

Thanks, in advance.

Looking for information about second-trimester abortion

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:12:35 -0800

I am looking for information about therapeutic abortion in the second trimester. I am 18 weeks pregnant and just got back an abnormal result on my quad screen. Today I went in for a level II ultrasound, which showed massive hydrops, pericardial effusion, and several other markers for a chromosomal abnormality. We are waiting on amniocentesis results, but the consensus among several doctors was that this baby would die well before term. We are probably going to have the pregnancy terminated. I am looking for any experiences anyone has with late pregnancy termination, e.g. what the procedure is like, recovery afterwards (both physical and mental), etc. Anyone who doesn't want to post here can email me at losingmybaby@hotmail.com

Negotiating patient/family rights at an ultrasound facility

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:12:16 -0800

Is there a medical or technical reason an ultrasound facility would specify that only one person can accompany the pregnant person during the ultrasound? (And if it turns out we must follow this policy, how could the third parent observe the ultrasound from the waiting room?) (Anonymous only because we have friends who haven't heard our pregnancy news yet, and I don't want them hearing through internet-grapevines! Soon all will be nicely open for us. :))

I'm one of three people who are having a baby together. (Two of us are the biological parents, but the three of us are the parents -- love each other, live together, are committed to raising the child together.) Of course all of us are equally excited to be there for the ultrasound two weeks from now. But even understanding this, the one admin person we've asked so far (a receptionist, I think) apologetically said their policy is that only one person can accompany the pregnant person inside the room during an ultrasound.

This is a routine ultrasound for a healthy pregnancy. I'm wondering whether that policy is primarily meant to keep lots of family members from crowding into the room. I'm also guessing that at an ultrasound facility in a Northeast U.S. city, there must already have been some precedent for three people all having an equally valid interest in an ultrasound. (What about a surrogate mother plus the two bio-parents, or a lesbian couple who are including their known-donor in the parenting?)

So there two questions here, and I'd love your advice about either:

1) What should be our strategy for reaching, and for talking to, higher-up people at the office, so we can gently persist with this question? Clearly this is only the first of many such questions -- we need to know our rights and how to articulate them before there's any possiblity of an emergency situation (for example, if something went wrong during delivery and the non-bio parent found she suddenly wasn't allowed to be in the room). We're also asking other multi-parent families for advice, but I'm asking here because input from a more general audience (especially any medical people?) could be very useful.

2) If we really can't all be in the room this time: how can the third person, who would be there sitting in the waiting room, observe the ultrasound? (Could we at least record it with our own video camera, for later viewing? [I'm guessing live transmission of the video -- say if we brought one laptop inside the room and pointed its camera at the screen, transmitting to another laptop in the waiting room -- would not be allowed at the facility?])

(Damn, no benzos. No wine.)

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:41 -0800

My unplanned-pregnant soon-to-be-single-mother friend was unexpectedly invited to Thanksgiving dinner with the, err, donor and his parents. She is freaking out, convincing herself that it will be terrible, etc. Suggestions? My friend is just past her first trimester. Her pregnancy was unplanned, the guy is kind of a d-bag (as for what the "d" stands for, reader's choice). She understandably has mixed (putting it lightly) feelings about him. The enormity of impending motherhood is stressing her out, and leading to some serious depression, and exacerbating existing anxiety.

In his defense, her raging hormones don't make civil discourse easy for me, her friend, much less the guy, who comes across as a little dopey, a little selfish, often insensitive but also just clueless. He's got a Peter Pan thing goin' on, and hasn't had much in the way of long term relationships. He has made little overtures that seem to me promising, but in a spectacular refutation of accepted animal training methods, she seems to opt for bypassing positive reinforcement and goes with reminding him that he doesn't get it.

She is in dire need of a support system outside of, well, me. She works (indirectly) with his father, and has briefly met his mother (pre-pregnancy), and seems to think highly of them both. She has (and I have) hopes that his parents might be supportive.

She really wants to reach out to them, but is overcome with anxiety when crunch time comes around - she described hiding when his father stopped by her area of the building. She had another chance to meet them (painting at his house) and stayed in bed all day instead.

In a surprise move, he invited her to Thanksgiving dinner with his folks. And now she is on the verge of freaking out and missing another of a diminishing number of opportunities to connect with her child's grandparents.

So, sans benzos, or a glass of wine (she has really bought into the "we don't know how little alcohol it takes to harm your baby"), what can I do to assist her in being up for Thanksgiving?

(junk email account: askmefiquestion1000 at gmail)

Tick-tock biological clock

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:33:25 -0800

38. No kids. Want kids. Loving relationship. HELP! So. I'm a professionally successful woman who just turned 38. In my 20s, I was never particularly interested in having kids. About 5 or 6 years ago or so, though, I decided I wanted them. I've been dating my current awesome guy for 2 1/2 years; we've de facto lived together for about a year and a half (officially for about 4 months). He's great in all kinds of ways and I love him very much. He would be a great father. I'm pretty sure he wants kids. We joke about names for them (silly names), he dotes on his nephew, he is very sweet with our cats.

But. It isn't pressing for him the way it is for me. I mean, he KNOWS the facts, presumably, but he can't hear the bright loud "TICK TOCK" that is echoing in my head. And I think that if biology didn't enter into it, he wouldn't want them right this instant. He can be a little bit oblivious, and I don't think he's aware of just how fast fertility declines, and that we would have to start trying asap.

So, to my question: how on earth do I bring it up? I am terrified of being a cliche (the late-thirties-marry-me-monster). I am terrified of scaring him off. I have already let it go on too long without discussing it... and am starting to plan next year around the hope of being pregnant in the fall. I realize that this is crazy, and that it's almost pathological that I can't quite bring it up.

Tips or advice on how to start the conversation would be very much appreciated. I saw this thread -- http://ask.metafilter.com/80182/Propose-or-hint -- but it's more about marriage than babies. I care a lot more about the baby thing than the marriage thing -- or, at any rate, than the *wedding* thing. (Frankly, at 38, it's only sensible to worry more about trying to get pregnant.)

And please, I don't need anyone to tell me that if we can't talk about having a baby, we shouldn't have a baby. We have a very good relationship, and usually talk well. I think I'm partly having a hard time because of a past relationship, and crazy commitmentphobic behavior on the part of that ex. I also think I'm partly having a hard time because I'm just not one of those women who has always known they wanted kids, and planned their life accordingly. It's a weird, hard thing for me to say, this "gimme baby now" thing.

Posted anonymously because said boyfriend knows my screen name. I may need help with this, but at least I know that coming across an Ask Mefi post is NOT the way to bring it up.

"Don't hire her, she's pregnant. You will need to train someone new in June when the baby is due. Not a wise move"

Anonymous — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:27:33 -0800

Please help me analyse this workplace drama. I feel betrayed by my friends and discriminated against for being pregnant. Please help me get my head around this situation. Sorry about the "chick drama" nature of it.

I have struggled to get pregnant for about a year now, and through the IVF process I confided in two good friends at work, let's call them Bea and Lori. Bea and Lori have been enquiring about the status of my uterus frequently and with great interest, so when I did fall pregnant I confided in them and shared my joyful news. I asked them to be very discreet about it (as you do), due to the high risk of miscarriage early on but also because I am in a vulnerable position at work and am scared of losing my rights to maternity leave. I said specifically to not tell bosslady Vicky, because although Vicky is a mutual friend and a kind boss, she incidentally has connections to a number of areas in my professional and personal life where I did not want the news of my baby to leak out. Bea and Lori crossed their hearts and promised not to tell Vicky or anyone else.

Fast forward to now, I am 10 weeks pregnant, and just found out that bosslady Vicky was considering offering me a job within the large company I already work, but a different department (one that I much prefer to where I currently am). Vicky consulted with Lori and Bea, who together made the shocking decision to tell Vicky that I was pregnant. Bea, backed up by Lori, basically said "Don't hire her, she's pregnant. You will need to train someone new in June when the baby is due. Not a wise move". I am 99% sure that the "agreement" to tell Vicky was instigated by Bea. When I met Lori today I could tell something was up, and it didn't take me long to get her to confess. She was ever so sorry, and close to tears. I really care about Lori as a friend, she has been such an angel up until now. She begged me not to tell Bea or Vicky that she confessed. I would like to tear Bea's head off - much more so than Lori's.

Before I (potentially) take this any further, or go over it in my head for the nth time, I need some input from you guys.

Was I stupid and naive to trust these friends?

Is this what you would call a gross betrayal? It bloody well feels like it.

In your life, is loyalty to your work > loyalty to your friends?

Bonus LegalFilter question: Would this situation be grounds for any kind of lawsuit or official complaint? Obviously I wasn't offered the job because I'm pregnant. Discrimination, right? I am in Australia (Vic), but any legal advice is appreciated.

How can I have a baby in NYC without health insurance?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 09:12:36 -0800

We are having a baby! We are super excited, except that we are in NYC without health insurance and really scared. What are our options? To further complicate things we are both non US citizens (Swedish and Australian), freelancers, young and broke, and live here on non-immigratant visas. My fiance and I want to stay in NYC, but only if we can find a way that is best for mother and baby. One option is to return to our home country and benefit from free health care, but this is our home now. We will do this though if there isn't any alternative, but we hope to find a solution here.

I have called around to some OBGYN offices, but they quoted around $10k, and that doesn't include tests or complications. It seems too expensive, especially considering if there are potential problems. We would get her health insurance if possible, but from reading around it seems that pregnancy is considered a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered? Either of us can't be employed because of our visa status and so company health care isn't an option either.

My fiance is 6 weeks pregnant and we are eager to see a doctor immediately, but we haven't had much luck so far. Have you been in this situation? How can we see a doctor immediately without a huge financial burden? Can we get health insurance in NYC even when pregnant? Thanks so much for any advice, leads or suggestions.

Did this doctor cross the line?

heytch — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:03:49 -0800

Was this doctor a creep for suggesting a gynecological examination, or am I overreacting? A few months back when I was trying to conceive, I took a home pregnancy test that was vaguely positive about 2 weeks after ovulation. I started bleeding the following day. I rushed to the medical centre and got an immediate appointment with a random male GP (not an Ob/Gyn) whom I had never dealt with before. I semi-frantically asked him if there was any way to "save" the pregnancy. We did another ultra sensitive urine test which came back negative. Then he said quite intently and convincingly that he would like to do a gynecological examination on me, right there and then in his office. I declined, because he made me uncomfortable with his general creepiness. He pushed it, and tried to convince me that it was the best way to "make sure". I bolted out of there and never looked back.

Having read up on the topic, I realise that I had what's called a very early miscarriage, which is unavoidable and most often due to a genetic/developmental error in the fertilised egg. Surely he would have known this.

My question is: In this situation, would there have been anything at all to gain from him "having a look"? He would be able to see the bottom of the cervix, and what good would that have done? Am I missing something here? Is this normal practice, or did he attempt to take advantage of a young woman in distress?

I'm generally not suspicious of doctors or other professionals, and I'm not much of a complainer. This one just gave me an icky gut feeling, and I'd love some MeFi insight.

Pregnant woman needs help controlling her moods

heytch — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 05:08:24 -0800

Anger management for beginners? Help me deal with pregnancy/hormone related rage at work! I have never been an angry person, and have never had to control my anger and I have never let my emotions "get the better of me". Until now! I am pregnant and am finding it very difficult to deal with annoying or upsetting situations at work.

I work in a very busy office at an educational institution, and am constantly the recipient of bad attitude and demeaning behaviour from my coworkers. For lack of a better description, my workplace has extremely bad karma and energy. That stuff you can't put your finger on. Smiles are rare and snarky emails and comments are common. The only thing everyone agrees on is that everything sucks.

Normally I'm a very zen and positive person, and have managed this job pretty well by turning the other cheek, so to speak. I am generally very good at finding the silver lining. But now that I'm pregnant I'm no longer in posession of this zenness. I get SO ANGRY at my coworkers, and feel that I am very very close to losing it, I want to scream in their faces and tell them where to shove their menial complaints already. I want to slam doors and scowl and swear at them. All of this is the complete opposite to my normal non-knocked up behaviour, and is quite frankly shocking me!

How do I avoid this? How can I manage my strong feelings and subsequent actions when I'm in a mood (and brain chemistry) that's so very unfamiliar to me? Any experiences? Techniques?

Really, how screwed am I?

Anonymous — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 08:13:49 -0800

Am I being fired? I was recently converted from a full-time employee at a $5 billion multi-national company to a contractor working at the same company. Now, my contractor boss has called me in for meetings with the contracting company's HR rep for "issues". Oh yeah, I'm pregnant too. In July, my boss with the large multinational corp (who I'll call Big Company) called me into the office to say that I had two options since my position was being eliminated. I could take the severance package and be "laid off" or I could be converted to contractor and move to a lower level job I previously held at Big Company. My salary would increase a small amount to cover the additional cost for medical benefits with the Smaller Contracting Company. They repeatedly tell me it's not a demotion, but they had to make tough choices and thought that this would be a way to keep me in a job. I have had only positive reviews while being employed with Big Company.

When I looked into taking the job with the Smaller Contracting Company, several issues arose. The medical plan was not comparable which was no big surprise. I would earn less vacation, also not a surprise. However, I would have no maternity benefits. In addition, since I would not have been employed with the Smaller Contracting Company for more than a year I would not be eligible for FMLA. I brought this up as a serious issue and was given 6 weeks paid maternity. Finally, I was told that I wouldn't be eligible for COBRA because I was accepting the contractor role.

The contractor job is at Big Company, which is subcontracted by Small Company. I take the lower level contractor role at a slightly higher salary. My new boss, who is also a contractor, doesn't schedule regular one on ones with me or communicate to me in the same frequency or tone as my peers, generally avoids me, does not provide me the information I need to do my job, etc. Basically, we have some serious communication issues for which we are both responsible for.

I think the turning point of uncomfortable to serious was when I provided her feedback regarding one of my peers about 2 weeks ago. I covered for this person while they were on vacation and discovered many issues. In addition, I was asked by 3 coworkers in other departments to speak up about the issues surrounding this employee because many people feel that concerns voiced to my new boss have not been heard. When I raised the issues, my new boss got very defensive.

Monday she asked me to do something that I felt was unethical (I didn't tell her I thought it was unethical, but that's how I felt). I asked her to confirm with our finance folks on process before I proceeded.

Tuesday I worked from home and came in late Wednesday because we had gotten elevated risks on our baby for Trisomy 18. I was a total emotional wreck after receiving the news and thought it best to work from home. This situation has not helped me in "being cool". Between hormones and this news, I've pretty much cried at the drop of a hat.

Thursday she sends me a invite for me, her and her boss. I ask her boss about it and am told Small Contracting Company HR will be attending as well.

Friday we have the meeting and she pulls out a two page list of everything I'm doing wrong. I didn't keep my shit together and cry. I told her I felt cornered that the meeting came out of nowhere and that I wasn't prepared with my list of issues either. They call off the meeting because I'm a total wreck.

Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out my next steps. The fact there was a written list and the Smaller Company HR folks were there really makes me think they are trying to make a case for me to be fired.

Obviously, there's more to the story, but that's the general jist of it.

Here's the questions:
-Am I being fired?
-The nut in me thinks this may be a complex plot to eliminate me from the company in a manner that would have the lowest liability for the Big Company. Am I crazy?
-How should I meet with HR/bosses? I would like to propose we work on our communicating styles together in one meeting, so that at the next meeting we can discuss the "issues" in an understanding and supportive manner. Is this out of line? I hate the idea of preparing a tit for tat list and worry about delivering something like this.
-I have a multiple high risk pregnancy that makes it likely I may have pre-term labor. I am very worried about the stress on the baby and it contributing to this. My boss's boss has voiced a concern that may stress may be negative for my pregnancy. Should I ask to see if HR would be willing to make temporary medical accommodations for the stress induced by new boss? Ideally, I'd like to report to my boss's boss, although I am open to other positions. I think it would reduce stress dramatically.

Background:
The Smaller Contracting Company has over 50 employees, although maybe less than 150. It's hard to tell the total number because they work with a number of companies in the area.

I was employed with Big Company for 4 years. Big Company has serious financial troubles. There have been several rounds of lay-offs in the last year. In the past the lay-offs got rid of poor performers.

I will call a lawyer on Monday, but the meeting is on Monday, so insight is greatly appreciated.

This is in Texas.

Puppy and Baby?

brevator — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 13:16:05 -0800

Puppy and Baby? Long story (skip to the end if you like): My wife and I walked out of our apt. 2 weeks ago and found a miniature poodle trying to cross a busy 4 lane avenue. The little guy nearly got hit a few times and we felt that we needed to grab him before he hurt himself. We grabbed him and brought him inside. No colar, no ID, no chip. He was unkempt (matted hair on his underbelly, fleas) but very docile and domesticated. He was so small and nervous we figured there was no way he could have been on the street for long. We called local shelters and animal control and left a description with our name. No one called. Then we got him his shots and a flea treatment.
Then we fell in love.
Fast forward two weeks- we're out walking him, when a car pulls up and a couple gets out and asks us where we found the dog. He's theirs. They breed purebred poodles. He has a pregnant lady about to have a litter at home. My wife, despite falling hard for this dog, gives him up without hesitation. She knows that he should be with his people and his lady. The owners are so grateful that they offer us the pick of the litter.
We're still grieving, but seriously considering taking them up on a puppy. Here's the problem:

My wife is pregnant and due in mid March. The puppies are due this week, but we would have to wait another 8 weeks to take one, which leaves us taking the pup home mid December. After that we have about 3 months until our baby is born, at which time the pup will be 5 months old.

Is this fair to do to the puppy? The baby? As I said, were still grieving the loss of the poodle (yes I realize it was only a couple of weeks, but the first couple of weeks are usually very intense when you fall in love), so we're not exactly thinking straight. We have a couple months to figure this out, so I'd figured I solicit peoples experiences with puppies and babies.

Some specific concerns:

Poodles are reported to take longer to house train than other breeds. Will trying to house train a poodle (or any other breed) be significantly more difficult in the cold and snow of a northeast winter?
Puppy will be 5 months old when wife delivers -- this is when puppy adolescence begins. Is this bad timing to have a baby when the puppy is entering a difficult behavioral time?
The breeders are nice people, but, as mentioned above, the sire was not well kept. What do we need to do to ensure that they are adequately socializing/taking care of the puppy in its 1st 8 weeks of life so that we have a dog that will be ready to fit in well with a family?
Is it just too much to have a new baby and a puppy at the same time?

Positive mitigating factors:

My parents and my in laws will be here after baby is born to help take care of wife, baby & puppy (and me).
Wife is much happier with a dog in her life.
We can be home with the pup &/or take him with us most places we go.(Wife is also a grad student with very flexible schedule.)
Wife is very much looking forward to training the new pup, even with all the work and time that entails.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially regarding any potential problems and/or benefits we haven't thought of yet. Thanks.

We're pregnant; what do we do now?

drleary — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:57:03 -0800

Simple (hahaha) question; We just found out that we're pregnant this morning, what do we need to do now? Just this morning, we found out that we're pregnant (!), what do we need to do now? Prenatal vitamins, doctors appointments... what else? What did you do? I've read several lists that I've found on Google of what to buy and whatnot, but nothing about order to do things and what's MOST important.

I'm not talking about things to buy, specifically (although that's fine to include in your answer), but things to DO. Thank you so much, and wish me luck with my first!

Health Insurance for a Newborn/Pre-born?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 14:38:14 -0800

I'm confused about how to go about providing health insurance for my unborn baby upon it's birth. I am on Medicare, so the child is not covered. I do not qualify for Medicaid/SCHIP, and most individual plans will not cover a newborn from day one. My job provides medical insurance for me only, not my dependents. And actually, not me, either because it does not provide coverage for those already qualifying for Medicare.

For the record, I am on MEDICARE, not Medicaid. Yes, this is the old people's insurance. No, I am not too old to have a baby. I'm on it because I have a disability. But this precludes me from qualifying for every "family plan" I've ever tried to apply for.

My other two children each have their own individual BCBS plans. Our children are also not covered under their father's plan.

The problem is, I cannot seem to apply for an individual plan for this child until he is born. Then, most individual plans have 1 to 6 month waiting periods before a newborn can be covered. If the baby has some kind of pre-existing condition in that time (even something as simple as prematurity or jaundice) he may not qualify for a plan (or the premiums could be astronomical.)

I can't seem to find any sort of coverage for him from day one. (He is due in three months.) This scares the shit out of me.

For one thing, the hospital wants a name of a pediatrician and I can find no one that will take him without insurance. If I leave the "pediatrician" line blank on the hospital registration will a ped come and see him?

What will the hospital do? Will they take us and care for him if he is uninsured? Will we be charged thousands of dollars for his care? What if something IS wrong with him? Will he be treated or will he be moved to a "public" hospital? (I'm planning on going to a private (Catholic) hospital now because I see a perinatologist (high risk OB) and that is where he practices. I'm supposed to have a C-section so cannot safely just go to any ER when I go into labor.) If he has something wrong with him, will he be uninsurable forever? (or at a very high premium, or with his "something wrong" not covered?)

Is there a way to get an as of now unborn child insured from the get-go? Who knows about this stuff? I can't seem to get any answers.

This is so confusing. I just want to go to the hospital and know that my baby will receive the care he needs and we will not go bankrupt because of it.

So really, how dangerous are ultrasounds?

lgyre — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:16:32 -0800

So really, how dangerous are ultrasounds? I'm 17 weeks pregnant, have had one visual ultrasound and one brief use of doppler at an exam, and was planning another ultrasound around 18-20 weeks. Recently, though, I read some studies about the dangers of ultrasounds, particularly when there's no unusual medical need. Critics of the practice cite these studies, while those on the other side of the debate seem to say that there are no studies. I'm not a scientist. Has anyone reviewed or rebutted these studies for a general audience?

Lord knows we don't need ANOTHER pig-boy running around the house

lilgoyl — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:27:06 -0800

YANMD-Filter: Going for my first ever prenatal exam (@ 8 weeks) and will most likely be encouraged to get the H1N1 (swine flu) vaccine. Should I? I am in my late twenties and am pregnant with my first child. I have never had a flu shot before. I have heard all about how people, specifically pregnant women, should get the swine flu vaccine when it's available. I also have heard that the vaccine may be more dangerous than the flu itself.

Normally I would probably pass on the vaccine but since I'm pregnant I do not want to do anything (or not do anything) that will put my baby at risk. What's a worried first time mom to do?

[HealthFilter] How much does the average no complication birth cost?

gnash — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 10:59:17 -0800

Had a beautiful baby girl a few months ago. Previous baby due to excellent insurance cost exactly $0. This baby, with crappy Aetna insurance close to $4k. This is after deductible, and using a doctor that was non-preferred (which we paid more for) I am still puzzled how I ended up getting charged this much. Anyway I got to thinking. Why is my out of pocket cost $4k for a birth with no complications? Why is the total cost for this birth $17 - $18k? Some detail:
Pomosin (sp?)
Epidural
Misc pain killers
2 nights stay post birth
4 - 5 hours labor @ hospital, less than an hour for the "all hands operation"
Cord blood draw

My question - what was the total cost for YOUR kiddo's birth (or your friends)? Is this really what it costs nowadays for what is, for the most part, an incredibly routine procedure?