Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with polyamory

Nice shoes, I'm married, she's fine with it, wanna do it?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:58:20 -0800

How can I indicate to potential female partners that I am interested in casual sex with them, and that my wife approves? I'm male; mid-twenties; coastal metropolitan US. My wife and I are, for lack of a better word, swingers. As a couple, we've had plenty of luck picking up playmates for group play from craigslist and at swinger's clubs. My wife has gone on individual dates with fellows. I've not been so lucky.

The problem I'm having is how to indicate interest in a woman, IRL, while also indicating that I'm married (and so not available for a conventional LTR) but that my wife's all for it (and so it isn't an "affair"). I wear a wedding ring, so one would think it's pretty obvious that I'm married. But I don't want to drive away potential partners who might be into casual sex if they knew nobody's getting hurt, but who wouldn't contribute to infidelity. And I also think it's unfair to take somebody out on a "traditional" date only to spring on them, "Yeah, so, I'm happily married, so the best you can hope for is friends with benefits."

I'm not really talking about one-night stands with barflies--I'm not usually interested. Rather, I'm talking about the sort of girls that I'd happily hang out with even if we weren't doing it. Friends with benefits really would be the optimal situation. But, I've found that trying to develop existing friendships into, uh, "beneficial" ones doesn't really work very well. So let's assume it's the curvy goth girl behind the reference desk.

Throwaway contact account: "swinging_mefite_1776@hush.com".

House of (hopefully not) Jealous Lovers

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:52:29 -0800

Polyamory: What now? I am currently in a long term relationship with someone who I love very much. We have been together for 4 years and I guess that polyamory is always something that my partner has wanted to explore but has been comfortable not pursuing actively until now. While I can find no rational reason to be against the practice (in fact I can only see upsides) I am feeling a bit bewildered and lost. There are few tiers of questions that rise out of this.
What I need to know are the logistics of moving from a monogamous to polyamorous relationship. How do I go about finding like-minded people? How do I broach the topic of whatever I have with a new person either being secondary or a part of my primary relationship? How do I adjust my primary relationship to accommodate whatever might come up for either of us? We have already discussed ground rules re: communication, our apartment, what is off-limits, practicing safe sex and so on.
The next tier of questions has to do with emotional coping. To be honest I am feeling a little blindsided by this sudden shift in the dynamics of our partnership. I don't want to be a jealous partner and I want for my other half to explore without feeling like I am losing some part of what we have now. I feel like these are murky, treacherous waters and any advice on how to make it out for the better would be appreciated.
The last tier I guess is communication. How do you share this with friends/family? Do you share it?

Right now all of this is very seat of the pants and I am having trouble shifting gears. I am all for this experiment because no matter what our configuration the relationship will last or it won't. If it's something my partner needs to feel like a whole, honest person then I would be out of line to ask them not to walk this road. I guess I could just use a primer.

Follow-up questions can go to thewhatinthewho@gmail.com

Therapy help for polyamorous triad near Waco?

Anonymous — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 09:56:21 -0800

How do I find a family therapist/counselor in Waco, TX that can help, rather than judge, my polyamorous relationship? My partners and I have some thorny issues to work out.

We're all new to polyamory; it fell in our lap and we're still trying to figure out where all the pieces fit together. It has been thrilling, heady, and deeply satisfying, but it has also caused serious problems in which, blinded by love, one or the other of us has neglected providing the support and attention another needs, or is perceived to have done so. Finding appropriate and safe and positive boundaries for ourselves and making sure that we don't inadvertently sacrifice ourselves just because it's what the other people want has been extremely arduous. Worth it, but arduous.

The problem is that my partners and I are stuck in the land of barbecue, pickup trucks, sixty foot tall crosses and megachurches.

I've talked to a few counselors to see if I could establish a relationship and get some help, but so far they've all started with the premise that the polyamorous relationship itself is the problem, that we need to stop pretending we love each other and settle down into a nice 1-1 relationship like, like Adam and Eve!

Internet resources, like the Opening Up website and the Polychromatic provider list, show some poly-positive therapists in other places, like Austin, Dallas, Houston. But those are very far for us.

Any help would be amazing, thank you in advance.

Have differing views on monogamy killed our relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:35:48 -0800

Should I compromise on monogamy? Can I help her compromise? Or should we call the whole thing off? Background: I am a man in my early 30s, she is in her late 20s. We got together seven months ago, after being friends for over two years. It was an intense relationship from the start - she's a single mom, and the ex of a friend.

The first few weeks were great. We have a huge amount in common, are very attracted to each other, and in many ways great partners. But after a month or so, she started feeling trapped in the relationship, and struggling to resist the urge to sleep with other men. She got drunk one night and slept with a co-worker. It wasn't strictly cheating, as we hadn't defined the relationship as exclusive at that point, and she was very honest about it afterwards.

That said, I am definitely not in the market for an open relationship, (and have a tendency to be quite jealous and possessive by nature - currently in therapy to address this), so this caused a lot of tension to the point where we broke up. For a few days, we both felt liberated and relieved. But then the pain of loss started creeping in. The space let us realize what we meant to each other, and within a week we blissfully reunited.

All was good, until the pattern started repeating itself. She started feeling trapped again, I started feeling insecure. We fed each other's dark side - she'd continue hanging out with a guy she slept with, making me more paranoid.

No less than four times in seven months we broke up and reunited. Always for the same reason - she wouldn't compromise on monogamy, I wouldn't compromise on an open relationship. Not for lack of trying. One night she slept with her co-worker friend, then came round to my house, told me what she'd done, and we had sex. It was cool that night, but the next day I freaked out. Whilst she totally assures me (and I believe her) that she has no feelings for this guy other than physical ones and the feeling of liberty and empowerment she gets from sleeping around, I find it impossible to separate sex and love to that extent. I hate one night stands. She likes them.

The frustrating thing is that this is literally the only serious mismatch we have. In all other matters we are very compatible, very in love, great sex, I get on well with her kid, we make each other very happy. It is only with the perspective of a break that this one problem seems surmountable. When we are together, the tension builds up, and the pattern repeats.

I finally called things off for good two weeks ago. I asked her, respectfully, not to contact me, as that is the only way we can progress. It's been hell - really painful heartbreak. But I have been making some progress and feeling optimistic again.

Then, yesterday, she texted me begging me to call her, saying she was panicking. I called, and she explained how difficult she was finding life without me, and how much she loves me. I told her I was no longer in love with her, but that is a lie. We agreed to meet in a neutral place for a coffee next week. I made it clear this was not a window to get back together, but I do want to stay friends (and I miss her child). I'm hoping we can be grown up about it.

So here's my dilemma. I love her. She genuinely feels like 'the one'. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with her (if we can break the destructive pattern, of course). But doing this will mean one of us compromising forever - either she will have to resist the urge to sleep with others, or I will have to become a lot more cool with polyamory. She has hinted that marriage would give her the incentive to change, but that sounds like fast-track to divorce to me.

My question is this. Should I give up on this, face the pain, and move on? Should I compromise? Is there anything I can do to help her compromise?

We feel EXACTLY like Joel and Clementine at the end of Eternal Sunshine. I think I need the hive mind to give the unambiguous advice that the film falls short in giving.

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.
Joel: Okay.

Really? OK?

Temp email: thatswhathappenswithme@gmail.com

Vox populi

Sophie1 — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 12:40:42 -0800

Relationship filter: Poly-relationship advice? Husband and I have been married 9 years, always been in a poly/mono relationship. Basically an open vee. He has sex with other men, I am only in a relationship with him. I am not conflicted or looking for advice about this -- just background info.

He's met someone and after about a year would like to add this person to our family. I have met this man and he is quite lovely but this is the first time in our 11 years of living together that we are considering having another person around the house. He's not moving in but we are introducing him into our marriage (non-sexually for me).

Tonight we are having a sit-down meeting where we all talk about our needs and some boundaries. I have done a ton of reading on jealousy and what I might feel left out of or insecure about, I guess what I haven't had a lot of success in acknowledging is what this poly relationship would bring to me. I guess what I'm asking for is some help in finding my voice.

Just as an FYI, I'm a scientist and very rooted in logic and realism.

How to cope with desire for the forbidden?

Anonymous — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:53:19 -0800

Give me advice on how to deal with desire for men that are not my husband. The situation is that there are currently two male friends of mine who I have found myself really wanting to mess around and/or sleep with. I’ve been with my husband for ten years, married for almost seven. Prior to our marriage, our relationship was fairly open. I had a few flings with people with his permission. Even after our marriage, I had a friend who was also a lover. But it’s been at least six years since either of us have been with anyone but each other. Recently I’ve been really attracted to my husband’s best friend, whom I have known for 11 years and who introduced us originally. We are all very close friends and have been very casual about flirting and touching for years. I’ve also recently met a new friend through my husband’s best friend and I feel myself and this guy really click and are mutually attracted.

Things came to something of a head this weekend at a party when everyone got pretty drunk. There was a lot of wild behavior on everyone’s part, but a lot of flirting (and more) between both of these guys and myself. My husband got drunker than the rest of us and either wasn’t around or doesn’t now remember everything that was going on. The only reason things didn’t progress to actual sex with one or the other was because my husband hadn’t given me explicit permission, although he made several confusing drunken statements on the subject. I brought up the subject with my husband yesterday and he didn’t remember almost anything that had happened and got a little angry about some of it. It was a long conversation, but after expressing my side (I love you but I’m also interested in other people and I’d like for that to be ok on occasion like it used to be) he pretty much made it clear that he’s not ok with me being with anyone else. Flirting, pretty much including everything that went down Saturday is still cool.

So, this leaves me in my current situation. As much as I’d like to be able to have sex with one or both of these guys, if my husband is just really uncomfortable with it, I’m not going to do it. I’ve seen too many relationships brought down due to situations like this. We have a good, strong, happy marriage and I don’t want to risk that. However, I’m in a jam because I’m very distracted by my various feelings for these guys. Even more difficult for me to deal with than just physical attraction and desire is the feeling of infatuation I have developed for this new friend. I imagine that part of it is the excitement of meeting someone new and it will fade in time, but I’m really a bit overwhelmed by the feeling of instant connection I’ve felt with him. And I want to be able to still flirt without it either leading to sex or driving me crazier than I already am. How do I cope with these desires I cannot act on while still maintaining all the friendships, without making myself crazy? I can’t stop thinking about the whole situation, to the point of it keeping me from sleeping for the last two nights and (obviously) driving me to post this. Any advice or reassurance welcome.

You say toMAYto, I say toMAHto...

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:13:08 -0800

So... if one person wants a monogamous relationship, and the other a more open one, there's some sort of easy solution to this... right? Anyone? Yes, relationshipfilter.

We're at our wits end trying to figure out how to make our relationship work, and we're out of ideas. Here's hoping someone out there has a solution or two.

Background.

Him: 38 year old hetero male. Has been in several (not tons and tons, just several) previous relationships. Prefers relationships that are somewhere between open and poly – i.e. its agreed upon at the beginning that he will continue to have sexual relations with a few friends that he has had sex with off and on for years.

Her: 37 year old hetero female. Has been in two previous relationships since age 18. One of about two-three years. The other of ten years. Both monogamous.

They have been friends for a long time - many years before they started dating.

Almost six years ago, they were both single, and started hanging out together quite a bit.

As happens, they started sleeping together.

He was very clear – no strings, no monogamy.

She agreed. She was at a point in her life where she didn't think a long-term monogamous relationship was what she wanted either.

Time moved on.

She moved in.

Almost a year passed, and they've been living together really well. He goes on a trip. Sleeps with an old friend. Tells her. She's devastated.

He's confused. He has only been acting as agreed.

She agrees that she's changed the rules, and isn't being fair. She does her best to get over it.

And for the first time they realize they have a problem. However, they love each other very much and don't want to break up. So they agree to talk about it later.

Much later.

Four more years pass. The friendship is tight. Its not possible to imagine roommates that could live together better. But there's still the large, pink elephant in the corner.

Previous attempts at discussing the "issue" fizzle into repeated "what are we going to do?" "I don't know."

During this time, they have lived monogamously. She is aware that this is not fair to him. Nor does she want to force/trap him into a monogamous relationship.

He doesn't want to change her either.

So –

She wants to be in a monogamous relationship.

He wants to be in a more open relationship.

They desperately want to stay together, but don't want to force the other into a relationship style the other can't live with for 10-50 years. And yes, she's very aware that this has defaulted to a monogamous relationship. She does not consider this a "win."

If necessary, they have decided that if there is no other solution, they will end the "romantic" part of their relationship and be housemates as long as possible, understanding that there may be weirdness when one or the other starts dating other people. Or there may not be. But they'd rather not go there if possible.

Does anyone have any solutions / ideas we can try?

Ethical objections to open relationships/polyamory?

beerbajay — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 14:35:17 -0800

Are there ethical objections to open relationships/polyamory? (If so, list below) I am explicitly not interested in the practical complications of open/poly relationships.

Bisexual?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 07:57:36 -0800

My husband and I had sex with another couple this past weekend. I was surprised by how strongly I enjoyed making out with and going down on the female. Does that make me bisexual? I am trying to grapple with my sexuality potentially changing. I have always identified as straight (but not narrow) and the idea of being bisexual is confusing and slightly upsetting (I am not sure why). I know I want to get with this girl again. I am not any less attracted to men. Am I bisexual?

Help me commit Ethical Adultery

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 21:15:42 -0800

MistressFilter: My wife thinks it would be a good idea if I saw another woman to help fulfill my sexual needs. That's loving and supportive of her, but I have one problem... how? I'll spare you the gory details. She's got a low libido and is not sexually adventurous, I have a high libido, and we want to stay married. This is a potential solution that works for both of us.

I'd like to conduct everything on the up-and-up for the most part and that means somehow meeting a woman who isn't fazed by my marriage or would prefer discretion because of a relationship of her own, ideally for a medium- or long-term friendship/relationship of some kind. This is obviously something rare and perhaps impossible but if at all possible I'd like to avoid having to go around declaring "I'm in an open relationship, want to hook up?" to women who would find that more creepy than refreshingly honest. A "friend with benefits" or "booty call" relationship is something I've never been a part of and have no idea how to go about establishing. The phenomenon was largely unknown in my crowd during my single days and it's still not especially prevalent in my age bracket.

I tried AdultFriendFinder a year or so back, and it was an absolute wasteland. The email account I used for the purpose is now a total spamtrap, and I didn't make contact with a single human being.

I tried OKCupid around the same time and met one very attractive and interesting person in a similar situation, but it never translated into a friendship. OKCupid has turned into another place bereft of potential partners since then.

CraigsList is pointless for any male to post to, let alone an attached male.

The swinger scene is a bust right from the start. My wife's support of this endeavor falls short of active participation in the process of finding partners.

So how do I start making semi-romantic friends with open minded normal to high-libido women? Or at the very least, increasing the chance that I would meet such a person? I've already got a satisfying social circle, so answers like "just make friends who are women" aren't going to get to the heart of the matter. I'd like to make friends with women who are looking for an alternative physical relationship. Online personals would be a great tool if part of a sufficiently accepting community, but I'm not aware of one that actually works. The standard personals sites all seem to focus on singles seeking marriage and I'd prefer not to waste the time of people who won't want to meet me. Suggestions as to where else I might look are welcome.

(If you want to tell me what a terrible idea this is, speculate wildly, ask for details or offer a date, abeneficialfriend@gmail.com will reach me and you can spare jess the trouble of deleting your answer. If you sincerely want to help I want to hear from you.)

Non-monogamy Filter: Do you have experience with fluid bonding in a committed non-monogamous relationship?

allterrainbrain — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 20:10:19 -0800

Non-monogamy Filter. Do you have experience with fluid bonding in a committed non-monogamous relationship? (Or have you considered it and decided against it, or do you otherwise have thoughts about it?) I have several long-term relationships (ranging from 4 to 9 years old), and both I and these long-term partners have other partners & contacts. Like most people in our circles, we're all highly safety-conscious and consistent with latex (as a rough summary, my standards are "barriers for oral & penetration with partners I know to have standards as consistent as mine; barriers for everything in groups and/or with partners whose standards I don't yet know & trust").

In logical terms, I definitely understand & accept that all this latex-consciousness is a small price to pay for the luxury of living the life that's right for me & having these excellent relationships. But I'm pushing 30 and I've never had unprotected sex, and I'd really (really) like to have some. I'm sure part of this is just the forbidden-fruit issue (in that unprotected sex is basically my only significant unrealizable fantasy). Still, I'm wondering about the hybrid solution some people use, which is usually called fluid bonding.

That's where two people (or occasionally more, but it would be two in my case) agree to be perfectly consistent using barriers for every contact with outside partners so they can stop using barriers with each other as soon as both of them have gone through the test-wait-test cycle for HIV/etc. Obviously, this requires absolute trust between the two people: you have to trust your partner not only to be totally consistent with the standards you've agreed on for outside partners, but also to *tell* you without delay if there's ever any break in that consistency (so you can start using barriers with each other again until you've gone through another test-wait-test cycle).

The person I'd be doing it with is someone I trust absolutely in human/ethical terms (and, like me, he doesn't have drug- or alcohol-impaired sex, so there's not that risk of decreased awareness/responsisbility). But as we all know, even correctly used barriers have a slight failure potential, so my current setup is safer statistically than even a perfectly executed fluid-bonded setup could be. And since I'm female, there would also be the significant issue of the effects & expense of hormonal birth control, which I've never had to think about before.

So although I've seen fluid bonding work beautifully for a few pairs of people I know (including a real "role model" couple who've been together almost as long as I've been alive), I may not want to try it yet. Still, I wanted to post and see if people here have experiences or thoughts to share. Thanks for any input!

Polyandry + 1

Bora Horza Gobuchul — Thu, 31 Aug 2006 20:31:24 -0800

I'm in a polyamorous relationship. It isn't enough. It looks like I get to be the relationship post of the day. Please forgive the length of what follows: monogamous relationships are complicated enough; polyamorous ones exponentially so, I fear.

I have been in a polyamarous relationship with my best friend for almost six years. She is married – I am not. The mutual decision to enter into the relationship – with the full knowledge and occasional participation of her husband – came after years of really bad, emotionally and financially abusive relationships for me, both "real-life" and long-distance. I am mostly happiest being alone, but need the emotional support (long-distance, since my friend lives in another country) and occasional physical closeness (we see each other several times a year) of another person.

I love my friend. She loves me. I am not jealous of her husband and, to the best of my knowledge, he is not jealous of me. There are all the miscommunications, and occasional disagreements, that are endemic of long-distance relationships, but on the whole I feel we do very well. I haven’t entered into any self-destructive relationships, and am aware that the support and love of my friend has kept me “safe”.

When we started there was an awareness and acceptance of “playmates” – other relationships that we had that were purely online, for sexual release. Over the years, for various reasons, these relationships have fallen aside. In the beginning there was also an understanding that if I found, against all chance, “the one”, that I would, if my new partner agreed, continue the intimate side of my friend’s and I relationship – but at the worst, still continue to be the best friends we have been for a dozen years (we talk to each other for at least an hour a day, usually more).

Flash forward to now. Increasingly, our lives have intertwined. I will stay a month at her house. She leaves me to take care of her children for several weeks. Her young son and I are very good friends. Her family knows and accepts me. We have each other in our wills. There’s an understanding that we will spend the rest of our lives together in some way, and I am, emotionally, very happy.

But. While I love this woman immensely, there are two problems. First, she is not here when I need her, physically, and phone / internet only goes so far. (Moving to the same location is not an option). I am sure this holds true both ways. Second, I don’t desire her with the heat of a thousand suns. I love her deeply, but rarely want her. I’ve tried to convince myself over the last decade that I should be able to get past this, but I can’t. She, for her part, tries at times to get control over some of the issues that do affect that desire (weight, mostly. She and her husband are very large. I am not.) but inevitably she becomes frustrated and gives up. At least in part because of her tremendous issues surrounding this, she refuses to seek medical advice regarding a condition that has become morbid.

Every three years I’ve found I get an “itch” – a desire to play the field, date, meet other people. Three years ago, I did so, with my friend’s blessing (after many discussions) and came back. Outside of that time, I’ve been monogamous to her.

The “itch” is now back, and it’s worse than ever. And my friend has made it very clear that going outside the relationship is no longer an option. Further, she has stated that if the sexual side of our relationship is dropped, the friendship will likely disappear also. Our relationship has deepened, and I think perhaps her desire to keep it as it is is due, at least in part, to a husband who has been unemployed for a considerable period of time while developing a deep relationship of his own with WoW.

I have no wish to hurt my friend, nor to sever our relationship. But I am starting to behave foolishly in looking for other possibilities. The “unfairness” of it – that she is married and has a partner, but I only have her – chafes on me.

I don’t want to go behind her back, but the alternative – coming flat out and saying “I need another partner” – and its likely consequences – terrify me. She is aware that I am feeling this way, and we’re both trying to make our relationship work. But my frustration is only building.

What can I do?

how to casually come out as poly?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 May 2006 19:54:38 -0800

What are some casual ways to come out as polyamorous or as being in an open relationship? I'm a female in a long-term relationship with a female. It's easy for me to come out as a lesbian in everday conversation ("so, this weekend me and my girlfriend..."). But this also makes people think I am off-limits. I am starting to hang out around other lesbians, but now they all think I'm taken, which is not strictly true. Are there ways to drop that I'm in an open relationship that are as casual as the above?

I'm not involved in any way with anyone but my long-term girlfriend now, so casually mentioning exploits with other women isn't an option. My girlfriend IS, but I have yet to have reason to say "so, my girlfriend's girlfriend...," not to mention that's quite a mouthful.

How creepy is polyamory?

pornucopia — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 08:39:58 -0800

Non-swingers and non-polyamorous people: Do swingers and polyamorous people creep you out? Yes, this question is directed at people who don't have experience with polyamory or swinging. Thanks.

Let's imagine you have a coworker, and it comes up in a conversation that he or she is polyamorous. How weirded out would you be? For example:
You: Hey, why didn't your husband come to the party last week?
Coworker: Oh, he was out with his girlfriend.

Or maybe..

You: Who's that guy your wife was flirting with at the BBQ?
Coworker: Oh, that's Jeff, just a guy she's having a fling with. I'm dating his wife.

I can imagine that this information could be presented in a very creepy manner, leering and winking and snickering, and so on, but let's just imagine that there's nothing creepy about the person or the presentation... we're just judging the creepiness of the fact that this person is polyamorous, and you know them/work with them.

Reactions?

Approaching Another Couple

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Jan 2005 00:35:08 -0800

My girlfriend and I are friends with another couple whom we'd like to become, er, more intimate with. Unfortunately, they, like us, are very reserved, and don't tend to talk about sex, so we have no idea how to begin to broach the subject. The friendship is very important to us, and we don't want to ruin it. What should we do?

Open Relationships

Zosia Blue — Fri, 06 Aug 2004 13:35:35 -0800

Does anyone here have experience with a polyamorous and/or "open" relationship? [mi] For definition purposes: I take polyamory to mean loving, emotionally-invested relationships formed between several different people. For an "open" relationship, I mean sex only, with no emotional attachments. In both of these cases, obviously, the two primary partners are aware and approving of all situations, therefore no cheating is involved. This is a subject I've always been curious about and drawn to, so I'm wondering about the viability of either option.