Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with politeness

Tell me about "Tell me about" ... if you'd be so very kind.

zaebiz — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:16:26 -0800

Every time I hear a journalist say "Tell me about ..." when interviewing someone on television, I get really annoyed. It seems so incredibly presumptuous, pompous and impolite to demand an answer of a guest like that. Yet it happens all over the world. Is this standard journalistic practice? What's the reasoning behind it? Anyone else feel the same way or am I being a relic? The presumption seems to be that it is the interviewee's role to answer the demands of the interviewer. I've talked to many different people from around the world and I don't recall anyone in polite conversation saying "Tell me about your trip to Spain". They would say "Hey so what was Spain like?", "Did you have a fun time in Spain?" etc. In a more formal setting like at a formal dinner they might say "Would you mind telling us a little bit about your amazing trip to Spain?" A close relative or friend might say "Tell me about" but that's because friends are allowed to be a bit presumptuous.

(I also notice it happens on AskMetafilter and I always avoid answering those questions demanding we answer them. Maybe I am just not hip to the latest interpersonal presumptions.)

Oh, so you're a [insert profession here]! How [insert whacky generalization and misguided curiosity here]?

iamkimiam — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:02:09 -0800

What is the first question people ask when you tell them what you do? Are there common misconceptions or generalizations that people make? How do you tactfully and/or humorously correct them? For example:
"So, you're a linguist eh? How many languages do you speak?"

I'm interested in good, helpful responses to the above example, as well as parallel constructions to other fields/hobbies/interests that are commonly misunderstood. Also, factual and scientific background information about why these generalizations occur and some good face-saving techniques (for everybody) would be useful.

Thanks!

My Fair Gentleman

TimeTravelSpeed — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 20:00:53 -0800

My Fair ... Gentleman? Please give me a crash course on being a gentleman for a date with a lady. I'm going out with a gorgeous, fun girl whose biggest turn on is a gentleman. I have very little experience in proper etiquette and I could use some simple, subtle, and not super-formal actions and gestures that make me appear confident, mature, and sexy. For example, casually opening doors and walking on the street-side of a sidewalk are good, but standing up when she does and laying my coat in a puddle would be a little much.

Here's our date itinerary with some questions I have:

Meeting at noon (at a climbing gym):
-- A nice small gift?
-- A compliment?
-- Hug? Peck on the cheek?

Lunch:
-- Conversation topics? Something a little different and interesting that keeps the ball rolling.

Movie:
-- Any good ones out right now?

Kind-of fancy Dinner:
-- Wine... ANY information: At what point do I actually order the wine? Can I just ask for a recommendation, or should I learn something? Respectable price range by the glass? What to do when the wine is brought?
-- Which side of a table I should seat myself?

Drinks and dancing at a bar:
-- Good, fun feminine drink to start her off with? Shots are fine.
-- Good masculine one for me?

Making a move:
-- Any tips will do. As long as the night's not a disaster, I'm pretty much expected to make one.

missed connections

uaudio — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 21:24:51 -0800

ModernDayEtiquetteFilter: What is the general consensus on returning calls (received on one's mobile phone) based on a missed call log vs. leaving a message? Help settle a silly argument between my wife and I. Back in the not too distant past, people only had land lines. If you called me, the only way I would know is if you left a message. You would give me specific instructions on what you wanted me to do - call you back, pick you up at the airport at five, etc. Then they invented mobile phones, and caller ID...

We are part of the >10% of Americans who only have mobile phones. Lately, we've noticed that less people leave messages, but we have record of them calling in our phones' missed call logs. Sometimes, we call them back based on the call log. Sometimes we don't.

When she calls them back, sometimes my wife feels weird. "If I wanted you to call me back I would have left a message," she hears her friends saying before she makes the call. When I don't call them back I hear them saying, "You knew I called from your call log. Why don't you call me back?" Should we call back, or not? What is the MeFi consensus?

(I know text messaging is an easier alternative. I send them specifically to avoid problems like this. However, many people I know don't use or want to pay for sending or receiving them.)

Who said, "Humor is the politeness of despair?"

StopMakingSense — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 23:19:24 -0800

Who said, "Humor is the politeness of despair?" Googling it attributes it, variously, to Ionesco, Marcel Duhamel, Kierkegaard, Boris Vian and Chris Marker. Google is also curious if I mean "Humor is the politics of despair." Do I?

Do deaf people get distracted by very expressive hand and body movements?

lychee — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 11:49:49 -0800

Is it annoying, distracting, or offensive to a deaf person who is using an interpreter to interact with hearing people who gesticulate a lot and have very expressive facial or body movements? I know being expressive with your face and body language is important when communicating in sign language, but let's say you have Person A, who is deaf; Person B, who is the interpreter; and Person C, a hearing person. If C is standing next to the interpreter and C is moving their hands around at the same level as the interpreter's hands, using expressive body language and moving around a bit, all while talking to A via the interpreter, is this distracting?

(One thing to note, C is expressive in general, so I don't think they are aping the signer's movements, but it feels to me like subconscious imitation, because I do sense a change in their body and hand movements when we are interacting with hearing persons versus when we are meeting with the deaf person.)

I don't hate babies, but . . .

Listener — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 18:31:45 -0800

What should I say/do to be polite about someone's baby? In the course of business, I regularly have to attend at an office full of women all of whom have children, and one of whom now has a tiny baby she brings to the office sometimes. I can see that everyone loves babies, and they know that I have no interest in them or in children, but I don't want them to think I'm a scary freak, nor do I want to do a bunch of fake stuff more than necessary. I mean, I can say a few fake appropriate things once in a while. But what are they? How should I think about this? I really can't make a big research project of this, and I just want to know the right thing to do. I smiled and said it was cute. I feel insecure and don't want this to turn into the seemingly inevitable, "Oh, you are an outsider and you are no longer welcome." I just try to pass. Please help. I don't like the chill I'm feeling lately, or maybe it's fear. I want to be an outsider AND accepted. Why the hell not?

de-drooping my drawers

M.C. Lo-Carb! — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 08:25:20 -0800

Is it crass for a man to tighten his belt in public? Help settle an argument - while at the bowling alley last night (Superbowl Sunday is a great day to bowl, might I add) I realized I needed to tighten my belt so my pants wouldn't hang under my shoes and trip me up, so I went to the bathroom to do it. This sparked a discussion of whether or not it is obscene to do so in public. I kind of think its gross. You?

Job Description: Classified

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 18:37:37 -0800

How to tell a family friend that I don't want his help finding me a job in his line of work? A family friend of ours is a higher up at the pentagon in the army and is adament about getting me a job as a designer there. I've politely expressed disinterest when he asks, but I get a lecture about "keeping doors open". I emailed him saying thanks for looking out for me but I don't see myself in washington or following that path. He's very enthusiastic about his work and the pentagon, and I don't want to be rude and tell him that the whole thing freaks me out and I don't want my name floating around the DIA and other intelligence scary stuff (general lefty-paranoia). He's going to be showing my resume and portfolio to the folks there who do graphic design, which I'm not really cool with, but whatever I say just doesn't seem to get through to him that, "Please, I don't want anything to do with this." Any suggestions / is it unwise to shut this door when I am pursuing much different career options in the design field? I've been doing quite well so far on my own. Thanks.

Language & Kids at work

Invoke — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:04:39 -0800

How should I speak when someone brings their kids into a coarse-language-OK area? I am a programmer at a small company. We have about 150 employees on three floors of a small building in Portland. The second floor is mostly the domain of the tech folks. At lunch, we play ping pong fairly agressively and there is a moderate amount of coarse language during such play. It has been that way since I've been here, and I like it this way.

Recently, a coworker brought his family in to share lunch with him. There were two children, ages 4 and 1. I was conversing as normal, with a few curse words sprinkled in my lunchtime speech. I started getting vibes from my coworker. He asked me, clearly uncomfortable (and cued by his wife) if that was how I speak in front of my children. "Actually, it is." I truthfully said. I did tone it down, not completely successfully, and got the evil eye a few more times before the end of lunch.

Was I a jerk? In the name of politeness are people supposed to only use "G-rated" words in front of other peoples' children all the time? Even if you do not agree with that attitude, and talk naturally in front of your own children? Even if you actually think that attitude is harmful to children? Even in an environment where the default is coarse language? Does a least-common-denominator really apply for language in all situations? This isn't a rhetorical question, I am honestly interested in others' opinions about this situation.

I would like to be more polite

ORthey — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 09:01:41 -0800

In (some) languages, why is the conditional so frequently related to politeness? In the languages I've studied to some degree (English, Spanish, French, Russian), the most common way to be polite is to use the conditional. "I would like," "quisiera," "j'aimerais," "Ya buy khotyel," etc. I'm wondering if anyone knows why this is? it's not, at least for me, intuitive. Are there other languages that do it drastically differently?

Is it misogynistic to use the "C-word?"

bunglin jones — Mon, 17 Jan 2005 21:43:11 -0800

Is it considered misogynous to use "the C-word" ? It had never even occured to me that it might be until my sister asked that I never use it as it was "so anti-women." At the right moment, it's SUCH a useful word, but I don't want to appear to be "anti-women", since I'm not . Is my sister's view unusual?

Long Distance Conflicts

Anonymous — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 18:08:59 -0800

My best friend, who lives about 300 miles away from me, and I had made plans to get together for Christmas, along with our other best friend, for whom I paid 600 bucks to fly out here so we all could be together. Now 300-mile away best friend has e-mailed me with a weak excuse and cancelled his visit here. I know he's not adjusting well to his new home, and seems to be isolating himself from everyone, including me. I'm hurt and angry. How best to address this situation?

Saying No

MiguelCardoso — Thu, 21 Oct 2004 11:35:50 -0800

What do you say or do when someone out of the Blue - generally a fellow user who rarely comments and so is quite new to you - suddenly e-mails for the first time saying he or she will be in town, is interested in something you could help with and would like to have a drink with you?

It's clearly a friendly invitation but how do you politely decline, without having to lie and/or appearing to be a stuffed shirt?

Fish and Houseguests

Goofyy — Thu, 20 May 2004 13:03:23 -0800

Dealing with parents: How to say 'no'? They want to make an extended visit beyond anything we find reasonable. More behind the door... My partner's parents are wonderful people. But they have this desire to spend 3 weeks in the UK, where we live (they're in Belgium). If we are away, they want to stay here without us, if we're home, its 3 weeks of company. We find this a majorly unwanted intrusion. We usually limit our visits there to 3 nights maximum. I am the more strongly put-out (that is, these are my in-laws), but even the other half is not happy about it. Lame excuses are not going to work. How to convey a polite 'no'?

Etiquette Question

quin — Tue, 10 Feb 2004 03:57:46 -0800

i want to be polite. Is there an alternative honorific to Miss and Ma'am which is age indiscriminate? i know that the general protocol is to call women older than you ma'am and women younger miss. But what what is the proper honorific when you are not sure? My goal is go not offend...