Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with phobia

I am terrified of talking on the phone but my job responsibilities will require me to do so.

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 16:06:15 -0800

I have a near-pathological fear of talking to strangers on the phone. My expanded job duties will soon include calling clients. How do I get past this fear? I am already looking for another job for unrelated reasons, but it is likely that I will be in this one for another few months due to the economy etc. Plus this is just a fear I'll have to get past in any job.

I think this mainly stems from the fact that I am hearing impaired and had speech therapy for years. I can function perfectly well with people I know, and I don't have too many problems in person, but over the phone I have trouble understanding people, and they have trouble understanding me. I get embarrassed when I have to repeat myself or ask them to repeat words. It is not a volume level, I have devices to help me with that. In my non-work life I try my best to use email wherever possible when I have to contact businesses or other people I don't know.

I will not be making cold calls, I will be calling existing clients to verify information, confirm orders, etc. Normally I will only talk to them once or twice so it is not as if I will be building an ongoing relationship. I expect a large proportion of clients will not speak English in the way that I do (accents, dialect) which increases the frustration in trying to understand each other. Up to now I have not had to make phone calls in this job. They are expanding my duties.

I really need to get past this because I think it will hinder my future career. The anxiety is such that my stomach tightens even writing this.

How do I stop being a fearful driver after a very close call on the road?

balls — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:32:23 -0800

A few weeks ago, an oncoming tanker truck ran me off the road on a curvy two-lane highway. I (barely) managed to avoid a collision or rollover but did clip a mailbox. Now whenever I drive the roads in this rural area, I'm constantly worried that oncoming cars are going to veer into my lane. I've always been a very careful driver and a witness to the accident confirmed my side of the story and said I was lucky to be alive. If I hadn't been paying close attention at that precise moment, he would have hit me head-on. It's comforting to know that what happened wasn't my fault but that doesn't make it any less terrifying!

The experience really shook me, especially since I had my toddler in the backseat at the time. How can I get over this powerful new fear, and when will I stop being so nervous behind the wheel?

I don't want to go, but I should. Help me find a dentist and help me get over my fear.

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:03 -0800

I'm scared of going to the dentist. How do I find one that will understand and how do I prepare myself for going to my first appointment in years? Hi. I'm a 20-something woman who is coming to terms with the fact that I need to go to the dentist. It's been several years. I take very good care of my teeth, but I recognize that some problems may develop and that it would be better to prevent rather than fix. The problem is that I'm really scared.

My experience with dentists is not very good. I had a terrible experience with a dentist who lost his temper with me on my first visit as a 4 year old. He yelled at me and made me cry. After that, I went to a children's dentist and they also yelled at me, routinely left me alone in the chair for up to an hour at a time and did not seem to care about my comfort or pain levels. It seems every dentist I've had at some point ridiculed or yelled at me or caused me undue pain or neglect when it could have been prevented. I do not consider myself to be a coward and have been though surgery, routine doctor visits and many other procedures without any problems at all. It is just my extreme negative interactions with dentists that have caused me to stay away all these years.

So how do I find someone who cares? What is reasonable to ask about when you call to make an appointment? I don't feel I can outright ask, "Is Dr. Dentist a patient man/woman who will not yell at or mock me?" I live in a small town and I don't think there is sedation dentistry here. I do not know many people here to ask for recommendations. Is it reasonable to want to meet the dentist beforehand? What about the hygenists? I could have the best dentist in the world, but if his or her hygentist is not also compassionate, then what to do? They seem to spend the most time with patients on routine visits.

Assuming I find the best dentist ever, I also need help in learning how to prepare mentally. I have developed a score of phobias around the dentist. I have an extreme aversion to the grinding of teeth, which usually happens if they are moist and have toothpaste or some kind of cleaning agent on them. I dislike the vaccuum used to vaccuum out fluid and often wish that I were in control or could just spit and rinse it all out myself. I don't like being left alone in the chair. Finally, I also have an extremely powerful gag reflex that is easily triggered (probably why I hate that vaccuum thing).

So how do I cope with those things? Is there anything I can do to get over them or prevent them from happening? Is any dentist going to take those concerns seriously? If I had to rank them in terms of terror, I would put gagging as 1, grinding teeth as 2, vaccuum thing as 3 and being left alone as 4. I don't think I care as much about pain.

I recognize that I have a lot of issues, but would like to avoid therapy if at all possible. I did see this question (http://ask.metafilter.com/114191/How-can-I-find-a-dentist-who-is-good-with-terrified-patients) and it helped, but I have some specific issues I need to address and wanted to know about coping. Please help if you can.

Throwaway e-mail address: askme.scaredofthedentist@gmail.com

TIA!

I'm too old for this $#!&

the NATURAL — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 05:30:47 -0800

My bedroom creeps me the #%^* out. What can I do to alleviate my (somewhat) irrational fears? (hacks, consumer products, etc.) I'm 9 months into living in an old, ollllld house -- one with lots of creaks and cracks. Add that to my incessantly hyperactive and paranoid imagination, and I have a lot of trouble sleeping.

For a while at first, I was sleeping with the light on. Then, I ended up taking care of my cousin's dog, and things got a lot better. However, I still have a flagrantly hyperactive imagination. After I saw The Ring and The Grudge in fits of self-masochism, I had trouble sleeping for weeks. Even now, I don't even need to see the previews of movies like Paranormal Activity for me to start getting creeped out. Right now, the dog is sound asleep on the bed, but here I am typing (and jumpy)...

As such, it's not really burglars/criminals/etc. that I worry about (humans, I can deal with), but the imaginary (and not-so imaginary) hibbidyjibby creepers. When I used to live in urban Philly, the ambient street noise at night was an excellent lullaby. Now, in suburban Honolulu, the quiet just accentuates the bumps.

I've read a little into the previous MeFi posts on this topic, and while they're somewhat useful I still can't seem to dispel the feelings of vulnerability and fear that I feel when I turn the lights out. For me, that period between lights out and sleep is one of the most stressful times of my day.

What can I do/buy/try to make me feel better?

Help a massive sissy get contact lenses

paultopia — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:27:11 -0800

I'm a long-term glasses wearer who is going to try to make the leap to contacts. Problem: I have a really strong flinch reflex/phobia of things going into my eye. What to do about this? I tend to freak out and pull away, e.g., during eye exams when they blow air into the eye or, worse, bring a microscope very close to my eye. The optometrist says I'll "maybe" be able to get contacts, and that he has seen worse (i.e., people fainting when the microscope gets close), but that I'm pretty bad.

I have a "training" appointment for contacts on Friday. What can I do to prepare for this? Does anyone else with a flinch reflex/eye phobia have any tips or stories about getting through this and getting comfortable with contacts?

(And should I have a couple drinks [etc.] beforehand, or is that a really stupid idea?)

How do I deal with a phobia that came from being around a cutter?

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:39:30 -0800

What do I do about a persistent phobia and why is it getting worse? Reading this question (how scary is blood) I had an instant reaction of starting to hyperventilate a bit, though I got it under control quickly (also stopped reading). As I get older and the more I'm aware of it, this reaction gets stronger. Explanation involves a friend who was a cutter so be aware if this is a trigger for you. Background: in high school a couple of close friends would cut themselves, at first as some sign of bravado or when under stress, and then (for one of them) as an addiction. I was under constant and severe stress at this time myself, due to family issues (parents' divorce, living with the one who was unpredictable and frequently enraged) and a mood disorder that went undiagnosed for quite a few years.

I'm afraid my brain was wired to leave me much more sensitive and anxious than a normal person. When stressed, I tend to tune out from people, become uncommunicative, worry that no one can stand me, and so on. What I've also realized is that a phobia seems to be growing connected to my friend's behavior - it's about blood and cutting in particular.

I wasn't awfully bothered by the cutting at the time. I tried to talk my friend into quitting, but was not grossed out. I used to watch all kinds of bloody horror movies, and would even seek out the worst at the video store as if I was dared to.

After a couple more intensely stressful years (they've passed), now I'm afraid to keep sharp objects around even though I haven't harmed myself nor wanted to. But I seem to have started worrying at times about doing so, through some sudden, perverse impulse I can't control. Now I can't stand to watch scenes in movies where anyone's been cut (I don't seek to watch violence, but a shooting on film wouldn't bother me). I'll start to hyperventilate if it's very bloody. I've had blood drawn at a doctor's office during a checkup and wasn't afraid of the procedure but couldn't stand to look. Yet I'm female so when I get my period every month seeing that kind of blood is no big deal at all. I just can't seem to get rid of some images in my head of that friend's arms and legs and seeing dried blood splattered on books and papers. I think it's particularly having seen the results of some very deep cuts that gets me.

I have read plenty about addictive behavior, PTSD, any and all kinds of mental health issues and I'm on medication that keeps my mood pretty stable. I can't see a therapist now, however, due to a lack of funds/health insurance. What I'm confused by, mostly, is how the phobia didn't seem to develop until about 8 years after the events in question, and why I worry about the.. imp of the perverse suddenly taking over. Has this happened to others? Anything I can do myself to deal with this?

Doronophobia?

Sova — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:11:12 -0800

Is there a name for the dislike of the anticipation felt on receiving or opening gifts? I know this is perhaps a bit of an out-there question, but I'm looking for further information on people who dislike or even fear receiving or openings gifts. It's not the dislike of what the gifts are themselves, or strictly the fear of having to participate in a strained social situation when the gift turns out to be undesirable. I'm thinking of the specific idea of having this unknown 'thing' which causes anticipation, and those people who refuse to commit emotional energy to it.

Any ideas? Examples ranging from downplaying the opening of presents all the way to keeping them unopened for years would be great, as well as some explanation or even - holy grail of this question - a name.

Never tell me the odds - wait, no, please tell me the odds.

monkey!knife!fight! — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 06:56:27 -0800

With things falling out of the sky with a little more regularity then usual lately, and what with me being a bit of a flybaby, I was hoping some of the Metifilter geniuses could help reassure me with some science... I hate flying. I have to do it quite often, and sometimes I'm sort of OK with it, but I'm having a lot of anxiety about my upcoming flight (I'm pretty sure it's because I'm moving away from one city which I don't really love, and to another that I'm pretty excited about and am just doing my usual "Gee, I sure hope nothing goes wrong" thing).

I know this is stupid. I really do feel stupid for even asking this. But here goes:

What are the chances that some bit of the satellites that collided above the earth would still be a hazard at 30k feet? If the stupid FAA hadn't put out a stupid "hey pilots, watch out for bits of space debris as you fly" and didn't put any sort of end time for the warming, I'd likely be less insane about this. Also, honestly, what would the chances be of avoiding some bit of flaming something flying at you from the upper atmosphere if you were a flying a commercial jet? I'm guessing not so much.

help a girl play some music without falling to pieces.

sardonicsmile — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 17:42:09 -0800

i said yes to playing a gig in a week and a half, and now i don't know what to do. the last time i played was two years ago! i'm so nervous just even thinking about it... a couple of years ago, i agreed to playing my first gig, also incidentally in february. i didn't enjoy the experience at all, due to a lot of fumbling with sound levels, instruments and messing up cues. after that experience i swore i'd never play solo ever again.

but here i am in 2009, and with pressure from a friend and no time to think it over, i said yes to playing another gig. i am getting nervous just thinking about it, though at least one difference from two years ago is that i have a supportive boyfriend.

the gig is defined as "experimental" and the only things that i will be using are a guitar and amp, delay & distortion pedals, possibly a loop one if we can find it and oh, maybe a toy piano. my main problems are nerves, short concentration span and, oh, did i mention nerves?

any hints for improvisational sets of twenty minutes or more without losing the plot? i usually have problems playing songs longer than three minutes, due to my pop upbringing. maybe hints about feedback and looping, that could possibly be sustained for longer songs? and how did you get over your initial anxiety about playing gigs? i'd love to make this a regular occurance, but if i'm this nervous about doing it, i might go back to my failed attempts at putting a band together.

Neminem excusat

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 18:37:34 -0800

Phobias are treated by exposure or immersion. How, then, is one supposed to deal with a phobia of petty authority? I have a deep unhealthy fear that a person in authority will seize on a minor transgression, one I might not even have known existed, and grind me into powder. There are a lot of things that "everybody" does that I can't do. I can't speed; I can't touch a steering wheel on the same night as having a single drink. These may be good decisions, but they are made from my fear of cops, not reasoning. I never download pirated movies, songs or anything (not that I would honestly rethink that decision). I sweat over my taxes every year, even though everything should be in order. I am afraid of, I don't know, the judge from Pink Floyd's The Wall or something. And it freezes my blood to think of a SWAT team busting down my door and killing my dog over some address error on a warrant, then shuffling away with no apologies, never to account for it. These are all products of genuine concern, but they haunt and paralyze me.

I understand where this is from. I had a bad experience of scapegoating for a minor transgression in high school, and although some grownups were kind of sympathetic, they explained that the teachers doing the punishing couldn't just let it go, because that meant failing to do their work, risking their jobs and their families. So ever since I have been keenly aware that neither justice nor mercy matters as much, to enforcers of rules, as keeping their jobs.

But I am hell of a grownup now and need to stop allowing these things to control me. How do you unseat a phobia like this one in particular?

Ice falling from buildings?

Ponderance — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:20:59 -0800

Ice falling from tall buildings filter. Help me lay to rest a question that has plagued my wife. We live in Chicago, with lots of tall buildings. Ice falls off of the buildings from time to time and about once a year, some poor bastard gets mushed. Where in terms of physics and I suppose statistics would be the safest place to walk down the sidewalk: as close to the building as possible? The middle of the sidewalk? The far edge? Does it depend on building height?

The fear of fearful things

ChabonJabon — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:29:02 -0800

How do I conquer fear? I'm quite afraid of doing things that I have not done before, and it does not get better when I conquer fear of some things. I used to be scared as hell of going to clubs. Then I started going, and now I am no longer afraid. I used to be afraid of talking to people. Then I started doing it, and now I'm fine.

The problem I have is more meta - everytime I meet a new situation, I get just as scared as I was at the beginning with any of those situations. I conquer the fear of single things by practising things, but it does not help with my general fear of trying new things.

I.e, each fear I conquer does not make the next thing any easier - I am just as afraid. And it's cramping me. I am falling into a routine of 'known' things, and it takes some major effort to add anything to this 'known' list.

And when I stop doing the thing, the old fear comes back. I keep fighting and conquering new things, but it's such an effort each time, I wish there were a way I could just wipe out this meta-fear. I thought if I try new things constantly, I would be able to try other new things without any problems, but it does not seem to work that way. The fears don't seem to influence each other - conquering a fear of going to clubs does not make it easier to conquer a fear of climbing rocks.

I have some type of meta-fearfulness, an overly cautious personality, one could say, and I want to change this. I can't practise, because practise only ever solves one particular item, it does not seem to solve the overarching problem.

Does anyone have any tips on how something like this can be fixed?

Fetish vs. Phobia: recipe for disaster?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 22:33:40 -0800

A potential romantic partner has a very specific phobia. As luck would have it, it happens to be pretty much the exact thing that is my very private fetish. I have never shared it with anyone and don't plan to share it with anyone. Are we doomed, or could we somehow make this work to our advantage? For the purpose of explanation, let's refer to my fetish as a mild thing for gingers/redheads. I have never sought out romantic partners based on this, I have never dyed my own hair red or encouraged others, I try not to be noticeable when I spot them out in public, and the closest I get to porn is, for example, a fully clothed shot of Prince Harry. Still, it's the kind of thing that I think other people would find incredibly weird, and I would be mortified if it ever got out. I keep it very much inside my head, and while I do have a lovely and comfortable sex life, it usually involves fantasies around this subject. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

So I'm doing the usual deep get-to-know-you thing with this guy, and things are going really, really well. Then he mentions that when he was younger, he got beat up by a redhead, and ever since then he has had a complete phobia of redheads. "I just look away," he says. His ex used to make fun of him for it, too, which is totally not cool. I get the feeling that his phobia is about as pervasive and rational as my fetish, but I am certainly not someone to make fun, especially in a situation like this.

Now, while I obviously would not display this fetish in front of him (or anyone else, for that matter), I don't want to run the risk that he accidentally sees that I've looked at YouTubes of Geena Davis or whatever. But I also have another thought: could we somehow work together on it? Like, for example, I am accustomed to spying redheads out of the corner of my eye; could I then warn him not to look?

Any ideas?

No throwaway e-mail here. Anonymous because obviously I don't even want it to get out that I HAVE a fetish.

How do I get people to not antagonize my phobia?

IndigoRain — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 00:28:01 -0800

How do I get people to respect my phobia? How do I make them stop antagonizing me by showing me the thing I'm afraid of? I am severely lepidopterophobic. Yes, I'm afraid of butterflies and moths. The teensy tiny ones don't bother me, but the bigger they are, the harder I fall, so to speak, and lately we've been getting some 2- to 3-inch-long moths with even bigger wingspans.

How do I get people to understand it's NOT FUNNY to point out butterflies to me in order to scare me? Recently I was at a friend's and one of the aforementioned oversized moths was in the livingroom, albeit dead. When I saw it I ran into the bedroom and locked the door, shrieking. My friend's daughter's 20-year-old friend was over and decided it would be hilarious to slip it under the door at me. Yes I screamed and cried and had to have someone open the door and remove the pest. In his defense he was not aware of my phobia. (Here's a big hint moron: If I run screaming from something, don't chase after me with it.) A few days later, a tiny little moth was in the house and he said sarcastically to me, "Hey IndigoRain, there's a MOTH in the house!" This was most definitely a patronizing tone and not a helpful warning.

How do I get jackasses like him to quickly realize that this is not funny and prevent the stupid things they do? I know many people don't understand my phobia - the most common replies I get are "but they're the most harmless creature on earth!" (not to me, to me they're big germy scary bugs) and "but they're so beautiful!" (see previous parentheses). I don't understand the people on Maury who are afraid of chickens or pickles, but you can be sure if I met them I wouldn't throw a chicken or a pickle at them.

I'm not interested in advice on overcoming my phobia - there's plenty of advice out there and I can't afford therapy right now. I just want to know how to get idiots to realize they're not making funny jokes - they're severely upsetting me. At least things that might work for the vast majority of people who aren't jerks who like to upset other people.

Is there a technical name for that nails-on-a-chalkboard feeling?

SilverTail — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 07:03:57 -0800

Nails on a chalkboard. Tearing paper. Fork tines on ceramic. Touching lycra, silk, wool.. Certain things will cause that teeth-gritting, hair-on-the-back-of-your-neck rising, Dear-God-Make-It-Stop response. What is the name for that? I've heard it referred to as an "aversion" in a broader sense by a friend in psychology, but he didn't know if there is a more specific term for things that invoke that response in people. What say you MeFi?

Just the thought of a throat culture makes me gag

bluekrauss — Wed, 14 May 2008 07:22:24 -0800

Can I train myself to tolerate throat cultures? I have a very bad gag reflex and have never been able to tolerate throat cultures. Just the thought of one has always scared me. As a kid, one nurse had to hold me down while the other one shoved the big q-tip down my throat. As an adult, I just refuse the culture, to the annoyance of my doctors. They either have to prescribe antibiotics without knowing if I have a bacterial infection, or they tell me to just wait out the sore throat and accompanying sickness.

I'm sure I've had many strep infections without knowing it, and this can't be good for me. I'd like to be able to tolerate a throat culture so the doctor can know whether or not I need antibiotics. But since I've had this fear since childhood, by now it's a full-blown phobia and I can't even imagine letting someone swab my throat.

Am I the only one with this problem? Is there any way to overcome it?

Taxes not done. Help.

Space Kitty — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 09:10:26 -0800

It's Tax Day already?! Help. California resident. Haven't filed either my state or federal taxes. I tried to file an extension last night, but if I had the figures they were asking for, my taxes would already be done. (In addition, tax is a language my brain utterly refuses to understand.)

I'm not asking anyone here to be my accountant, but I can't be the only procrastinator on AskMe. Advice? Anyone?

Help me overcome my lightning phobia!

LeeJay — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 10:52:10 -0800

Anyone have any tips on overcoming a lightning phobia? Over the past few years I have slowly developed a lightning phobia. I was never afraid of lightning when I was younger and I've never had a bad experience with it or known anyone who has. I have a theory that it developed after 9/11. It might sound strange, but in the year following I developed a little minor anxiety about situations that were out of my control -- being stuck somewhere, getting hurt and not being able to get help, flying, getting lost...and lightning. All the other anxieties passed but the fear of lightning stuck around and slowly grew in intensity.

I can barely stand to be outside (or even near a window) if there's a chance of an electrical storm rolling in. If I am outside and spot lightning, even if it's way off in the distance, my instinct is to throw myself to the ground. I manage to keep my composure but I still end up flinching and hunching over and it has on occasion kept me from doing things I want to do. And it also sucks because I love storms and this is keeping me from relaxing and enjoying them like I used to.

Are there any tricks or tips that help in getting over something like this or should I suck it up and go to a therapist?

How to get over advanced-degree-phobia.

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 07:13:19 -0800

I want to shake my irrational fear of going back to school. It's for my own good! I know, rationally, that getting a master's degree would be a really good idea for me. In terms of where I want to go in my career and life, it's just a smart choice. My employer won't pay for all of it, but they'll pay enough that it won't break the bank even to go to a very good nearby school (it will definitely not be free either...but I can do this, probably without going into debt at all, is my point). However, I just graduated from undergrad recently and my last few terms were so hard that the idea of going back and taking more classes completely freaks me out. I did some ambitious stuff, got burned out, and while I know I should go back I just lose it every time I think about it.

I don't anticipate any upcoming events that will really put a fire under my ass to get an advanced degree. It's just a practical thing for me to do and I have no reason other than fear to wait. In fact, this is a good time to be undergoing academic challenges since the demands of my work are still fairly modest. Furthermore, I know the longer I dilly-dally, the harder it will be to get back into the swing of things, so it's not necessarily now or never - rather now or harder. But the fear is pretty major, to the point where I look at course descriptions, kind of get shaky, and end up spending the rest of the night reading webcomics and humming "School's Out" emphatically to myself.

I know the best way to get over the fear of school is to go take a class, see it's not that bad, and just do general exposure techniques like for any other phobia. But I'll never get there if I keep going like I'm going, because I get to the point of signing up for a class and all these alarms start going off in my head. Alarms that say "Why pay to be back in a classroom, which you hate?!" and "This time you will actually fail miserably instead of just thinking you will and then getting an A-!" and "But you always hate all the other students in your classes, remember?!" and "Look at you, the only girl! You don't belong here and everyone knows it!"

These alarms are very hard to ignore, but my goals require me to ignore them anyway and just do this. How can I drown them out? Better yet, how can I make them go away? Don't recommend therapy, please. I know that if I found the right therapist it would help a lot, but I've wasted too much time on therapy for these kinds of problems with no positive results.

Posted anonymously because I would rather this insanely vulnerable question not be traceable back to me WHEN I eventually do make it back to school. Throwaway account at schoolophobia@gmail.com.

I need a shot in the arm... FIGURATIVELY.

Ambrosia Voyeur — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 15:24:08 -0800

How can I learn not to fear needles? I am near phobic of all things injection-related. I say "near phobic" because I don't lose my mind right away, but if I were forced to watch an injection in a movie or even listen to people talk about having blood drawn for any length of time, I would get highly anxious and nauseated. I haven't had any injections for five years and then screamed and shook quite a lot. It was embarrassing and uncool hospital behavior. That was one tetanus shot.

So far, I've refused an IV twice and declined bloodwork a few times, and survived. But, there will be times in my life I'll need to accept a needle in the arm, but that thought sends me up a wall.

Broken skin, scrapes, or blood alone don't bug me. It's the thought of pressure on my delicate and violable membrane. How can I get okay with the thought of blunt things pushing and popping through my skin, turning my flesh into rotty, bruised, plumlike mush? Do I have to resort to sedatives?

am i phobic?

loiseau — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:06:39 -0800

I am afraid to make music. I am a pretty normal person. Female, early 30s, single and self-supporting, pretty healthy mentally and physically. I've had bouts of depression in the past but since I was diagnosed with and treated for ADD a lot has changed and I have never felt better. But generally speaking I'm doing pretty damn well. I don't like things involving public speaking or job interviews but it doesn't completely rattle me and I get by. I'm a creative, expressive person. I write. I'm independent but not socially anxious. I'm an introvert but not particularly shy. I sometimes talk to strangers.

I love music. Listening to music is, for me, an extremely visceral experience. I don't know if I can even wrap words around my relationship with it. The music I love is all inextricably linked to the forces and feelings that shaped my life when I first heard it or when it became a friend to me.

Almost everyone I know is involved in independent music making in some way. I know some very, very brilliant musicians, many of whom have gone on to indie-level success, some of whom are making a living at it, some of whom have gone on to mainstream success. I know at least one person I sincerely believe to be genius. I admire these people deeply. I want to do what they do. It's been my deep desire for as long as I can recall.

But me, I do not make music. Sure, I have tried. I have ideas and melodies all the time. It's a constant factor in my life, thinking about music. I even play some instruments, sort of: I took keyboard lessons as a kid for a couple of years, I took about 6 months of guitar lessons when I was 30, and I recently took a few drum lessons and bought my own kit. I've picked out a couple of little melodies and recorded them at home, but not only can I not complete a song, but I scrap it before it's even a song. Nothing I have created has been worthwhile. And it's the music -- I have no problem with words (as this post will likely demonstrate) but the music... the process of creating music is so, so loaded and so inexplicably difficult.

In recent years I've begun to wonder why I have dated many musicians (almost all, actually). I came to the conclusion that maybe I just want to do what they do, and I mistake that envy and admiration for compatibility. The point is, everyone in my life seems to make music except me, and I feel like I want to even more than most of them.

When I bought my drums recently I rented out a timeslot in a practice space that acquaintances share and plunked them in there. I've had two turns in there and I can not make a sound. Tonight I went there and for three hours tinkered with my kit and setup just to occupy myself and feel like I was doing something. Because there were other people playing in the same building in a different room, and it paralyzed me to think of anyone anyone anyone hearing me. It just sounds so rough and unrhythmic that I can not bear to be heard. I couldn't play or even do little sticking exercises. I couldn't make a sound.

You may wonder how I ended up taking lessons. Well, the reason I quit my guitar lessons a few years ago was because I was so incredibly nervous that I could learn things alone during the week and be incapable of playing them in front of my teacher. I would go home and cry. It was too painful for me. I lucked out with my drum teacher -- he made me comfortable enough to accomplish things, but he lived in another city and I've moved since then.

Pretty much the only thing I don't mind performing in front of others is singing -- I really love to sing and I don't mind being heard at that. But with my guitars, I will play only if I know my neighbours are out, or I play my electric guitar without plugging it in, so it's quiet.

Am I phobic? Why does it hurt so much when I try to make things? As a reasonably balanced and well-adjusted person, how can I possibly be so self-conscious about this one very specific activity that I'm completely paralyzed? I just want to go to my practice space, sit down and play along to a song or mess around trying to get things down pat, but I can only sit there without lifting my arms and wishing I knew why.

I tried looking up music phobias online, but all I can find are music therapy programs for mental illness -- bitterly ironic that my problem is their treatment. Are there doctors who specialize in this not-stage-fright not-social-anxiety inability to make music? (This seems a little unlikely.) I've done a course of CBT before and I feel like this thing defeats all cognitive tools I have. I can think my way out of it, but I can not make my body act.

And this all might sound completely insane but it truly, truly breaks my heart. It almost physically hurts when I think about it. I want to do this so badly; what is wrong with me? I sat on my drum stool tonight teary-eyed because I hate that I have this problem so much. Why, why, why?

Help my wife not fear the doctor's office

bjork24 — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 11:46:25 -0800

My wife has a strong phobia of all things medical (with a few strange exceptions), and I'm wondering two things: 1) if anyone here has had a similar fear, and successfully overcame it, and 2) how should we go about helping her cope with her phobia? From what I've directly observed over the last seven years, her phobia works like this: hospitals, doctor's offices, and conversation about medical procedures make her light-headed, especially so if you're talking about pregnancies, or difficulties related to being pregnant. When faced with these scenarios, she'll work herself up, all the blood will drain from her face, and she'll pass out (momentarily). She'll come to in a matter of seconds, drink some water, and usually be okay.

The unusual part is that we used to work for one of the world's largest medical textbook publishers, and one of her jobs was to review and create lesson plans from detailed medical books. Amazingly, seeing pictures of amputees, scabies, and the like didn't seem to phase her (she would, however, quickly skip past sections that got too graphic, or focused on pregnancy). Also, seeing simulated gore and guts in movies and TV doesn't seem to bother her either, unless it's too realistic, or, again, dealing with pregnancy (a big reason we haven't seen KNOCKED UP yet).

You might think this all revolves around a fear of pregnancy, but that's not really the case. Those situations have been multiplying solely because our friends and family are currently experiencing a baby boom, thus drastically increasing the probability of a pregnancy-related conversation to occur.

She's had a little bit of therapy to try and ease her fears, but it didn't seem to have much of an effect (which may be due to the fact that it didn't last long). I'm wondering if this might be a good case for hypnotherapy. She claims it all stems back to her childhood when she busted her chin and had to go to the hospital, and while there, they secured her to the gurney (or bed) and her mom started crying. I'd buy that, and I'm sure it has something to do with the innate fear, except for the fact that her twin sister (who's pregnant) has the exact same phobia, yet didn't have a traumatic medical experience as a child.

We'd like to have kids in the future, but I don't know how she'd react to the barrage of constant doctor visits. She thinks she'd get used to them in time, but I'd rather help her iron out these fears before we reach that point. Any suggestions, related stories, or advice would be greatly appreciated.

(and, yes, I've read all the askMeFi threads on hypnosis)

Fear The Pill.

ElectricBlue — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 08:39:01 -0800

Could birth control cause a phobia to rear its ugly head? If birth control pills can sometimes produce anxiety and depression, is it possible for them to elevate pre-existing anxiety into a full-blown phobia? Also, could the wax and wane of hormone use cause one to be depressed and anxious at similiarly fluctuating rates (i.e., a woman's chipper in the morning, then has a panic attack at night, to use an extreme example).

Any personal anecdotes are appreciated, though speculation is fine too!

My tank's on empty.

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 21:38:51 -0800

I'm afraid of the Interstate. What can I do about this fear? I'm terrified of driving the Interstate.

While I've never been a fan of driving, I was in an accident that really shook me up. I have no problems driving on the highway, but the Interstate gives me pause. Entrance ramps in particular are bad.

I keep forcing myself to drive on the Interstate--even if only a few miles. But when I decide I "have" to drive, I feel nauseous and horrible. It ruins my entire day. Because of my fear, I miss out on fun things.

I feel that my fear is "irrational." But at the same time, it makes perfect sense. In the past two days alone, there were seven wrecks not even twenty miles from me!

My friends and family understand that I'm worried. I mooch rides off of them all the time. But I don't think they know the extent of my fear.

What can I do? Would a therapist help, or would it be a waste of time?

How do I get rid of my phone-o-phobia?

emilyw — Tue, 29 May 2007 15:53:58 -0800

How do I get rid of my phone-o-phobia? I have phone-o-phobia. I can call my partner or my parents with no problems, but it takes me a while to work up the courage to phone friends. If I need to call customers at work I can stall panicking about it for an hour and then finally make the call, only to find out that the customer is out of the office!

I am not so bad with things like calling for a taxi, because I can predict the conversation beforehand and rehearse it in my head. But with calls that are likely to be unpredictable I'm terrible. I've spent my life automatically avoiding phone calls - mostly by sending emails and text messages - but I don't want to have to do that any more.

So far my best idea has been to make a list of phone calls I can make, from the easy to the hard, and make a habit of calling someone every day, working up the list as I get better at it.

For this to work, I need some ideas for more and less predictable phone calls that I can plausibly make, in the evening or at weekends (I'm in the UK if that's relevant). Bonus points if I get something interesting out of the call and don't completely waste the time of people who are paid to answer phone calls.

Other ideas about how to get rid of phone-o-phobia are welcome too!