Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with phobia

I have no social skills, and no self confidence. I need to do something.

anawesomeguy — Fri, 24 May 2013 10:17:30 -0800

I'm 30 years old, and am basically incapable of functioning in social settings. Can't make conversation. It's long since gone past awkward. It's embarrassing. I need to change. I don't know how. I'm not sure how to post this in a short, coherent, and understandable story. There are so many random details, but I'll try:

I'm a 30 year old guy, and my social skills and communication skills are not what they should be. Now. I guess there are two parts: social skills, and my lack of self confidence. So first, social skills: I do have some good friends. But I struggle to make friends. I struggle to talk to people. I struggle to hold conversations with people I do know. I get along with most people. But I REALLY struggle to take things past surface acquaintances and form real friendships.

Here is my key issue (I believe): I just never have anything to say to people. Or know what to say. Or how to make conversation. Partly, I wonder if it is because I have a bad memory. Somewhere, years ago... I feel like I just lost the ability to think. And I feel like there isn't a lot going on in my head anymore.

Here are some examples: I just moved to go back to University. I get along fine with everyone in my class. However, like I say - it's all just surface stuff. Most of them have made really good friends with a few people in the class, and they go out and do stuff together; but not me. They're happy to talk to me there, but I never know how to take it further.

I have a tendancy to show up to things... and just sort of stand around on my own because I don't know how to make conversation. I can say hi. I can say how is it going. How did you go on that test. But other than that... I really, really, struggle. So often, we all show up for a class... we'll be waiting around together, people talking... and I'll be standing aloof in a corner. I can approach people; but for the most part I don't have anything to say or to ask... so I can't.

Another example: get togethers with people. Say, christmas time with the family: I just sit there, and say nothing. Because I don't know what to say. I don't have anything to contriute to most conversations. I don't know how to start them. I don't know how to join in on them.

I don't know how to joke around with people.

I live on campus at Uni... and I stop and have chats and stuff with the people I'm sharing with; but I often struggle to maintain the conversation.

One really awkward thing is that if I do ever manage to spend time with a person... it falls really flat. I don't have anything to say. Driving in my car... I'll sit there in silence, feeling awkward, because I have nothing to say.

I've noticed this and it's a key problem I have: other people usually make the conversation, and topics, and I respond. It's the same with good friends, close family members. I can't make communication. It's like... I speak if spoken to. Otherwise... I don't know what to say. Like... LITERALLY THERE IS NOTHING IN MY HEAD. NOTHING.

I used to have to go to work conferences and they were the worst. I'd end up standing there on my own.

I've noticed it may be a group things. If I am with a few friends I am close with, I can sit around and talk and laugh (though still less so than the others) but as soon as there are more than a few there... I just completely close up.

I also am developing an alcohol problem. Because after a few drinks, I can talk anyones ear off. And I wish I was like that all the time. It's amazing. I make friends with so many people when I've been drinking. I'm funny, I'm engaging, I'm confident, they like me, they respond to me.

Then when I'm sober... I'm this meek, self conscious guy that has nothing to say.

I don't know if this is all related to self confidence - because I used to have self confidence, say 10 years ago, but I still had poor social skills then. But if I think back... I remember when I was in school, I used to always get in trouble for talking too much in class. Now... in class, I sit there in silence... wishing I could make conversation with the person next to me... but I have nothing to offer.

I could go on and on, but onto the self confidence thing: I have basically, none whatsoever. I always think, "Why would that person care what I think" "Why would that person care what I have to say" "Why would that person care who I am". I don't think I'm capable of anything, I don't think anyone likes me, I can't think of any reason why they should, I don't think I have any charisma or personality that people would like, I don't feel like I have any use that can contribute to anything or anyone.

I basically feel like I'm nothing.

Sometimes I feel like if I had self confidence (ie, I'm a superstar when I get drunk) things might be different; but I think I used to have self confidence and I still couldn't make conversation.

It's also a phone thing as well. I literally cannot make conversations on phones. And I should because I moved away for University. But say, if called my brother who I love so much... I have nothing to say to him. "Hows things?" "Hows school?" "Cool".

And I wonder... if its because my memory is so bad? I never recall stories or anecdotes to tell people or to share, or to contribute to conversations .

I just don't know. But I do know that I'm sick of being in social situations where I stand around on my own looking like an idiot; or say a few boring, uninspired words to the people around, then nothing else. Sometimes I put off catching up with people I've met that are willing to catch up with me again, because I know I'm going to sit around in awkward silence and not say much anyway.

I really don't know what to do or where to start. Help, please?

Stupid phobia

Anonymous — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 15:22:24 -0800

I have an embarassing phobia which I'd like to get rid of. This question is terribly timed, but it's unfortunately real.

When I'm swimming in a pool, my head fills with thoughts about encountering a shark or occasionally an alligator. It's so bad when I swim alone that I get out of the pool. If someone else is in the pool I'm pretty much okay, the more people the better. In fact I'm completely fine when others are swimming with me, whether they know me or not.

If I close my eyes for the part of the stroke that is under the water things are better. I am never worried about the shark being in an area I can see, it's always behind me or to the side where I can't see.

I know that this makes no sense. I have an engineering brain and there is no way the animal could get into the pool, and checking beforehand doesn't help either. It's an irrational phobia that needs to be dealt with.

So therapy would probably be good. Before I do this, I'd like to try a bit more on my own. So AskMeFi: what do you suggest?

Tax Luddite

bad grammar — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 17:36:50 -0800

Should I e-file my taxes? Specific computer phobia (or phobia of the IRS) is involved. I'm not usually a technophobe, and I'm not usually flummoxed by computer programs and websites (my job is IT-related and I am relatively young). But I am afraid of filing my taxes electronically. (I am American, so if you are British, you can't help me much.)

I know people who either (a) messed up their e-file or (b) found that they owed much more than they had thought. I have a phobia that even though I've figured my taxes on paper, printing out reams of forms and instructions and reading them all carefully, and found my taxes to be relatively low, if I e-file I will find that I owe thousands of dollars or something equally insane. I also have self-employed income for which I don't have 1099-type documentation.

I lost a whole Saturday to doing my taxes on paper and I don't want to lose another day (or days) of free time to figuring out the e-filing. I don't have complex enough financials or make enough money to afford to hire a tax professional; even Turbotax would probably be a waste of money.

I have the impression the IRS and state tax bureaux no longer want you to file on paper anymore. They don't send out paper forms anymore. They'll still accept paper files, but they're definitely not encouraging it.

Getting my tax refund sooner is not an inducement, as it's very small this year due to SE income in addition to my regular job.

Looking for a therapist in Los Angeles.

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Jan 2013 19:31:42 -0800

Can anyone suggest a therapist specializing in anxiety disorders in Los Angeles? I'm looking for a therapist in Los Angeles specializing in anxiety disorders, especially panic attacks, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Westside preferred but I would consider strongly recommended therapists in other parts of town. Throwaway email: askme.latherapist@yahoo.com. Thank you.

Don't look back! Don't looks back!

Sweetmag — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 07:23:20 -0800

I'm a 29 yr old female, married, and have two children. Yet, I am terrified of the dark and being home alone. For as long as I can remember darkness has petrified me and I can't enter a room that's dark, or even look into one. When I'm home alone, no matter the time of day, I get so scared that something is following me, in the house, or about to get me. I jump at every noise and will often just stand in the middle of the room looking back and forth quickly, so nothing can sneak up on me. I'm tired of being so scared and it's hard to comfort a child who's scared when you get just as scared as them. Here's some examples of my level of scaredy cattedness:

- Slightly open closet doors must mean someone or something snuck in there and is now peeking at me from the small gape. Full blown panic will set in, I will run from the room and yell for my husband to come shut the door. If no one's home, I'll just avoid that room till they are home.

- Walking up stairs I brace myself to be dragged back down the stairs by whatever crazy thing I believe to be there. Most often I will have my husband walk behind me up the stairs for protection, but when alone I will bolt up the stairs no matter how much I tell myself nothing will get me.

- I always jump into bed, because I'm terrified something will grab my ankles and yank me under the bed. I won't even get out of bed to use the bathroom during the night, because I'm just to scared of the dark hallway, stairwell or what's under my bed.

-Darkness paralyzes me. If I need to get somewhere, but I must pass through or by darkness I just won't go. I will stand there in a corner till my husband can get to me and escort me.

-Showering during the day is my biggest challenge. I can't hear a single thing when I'm in the bathroom. It makes showering incredibly hard if I'm home alone, because I'm convinced something is sneaking up on me, waiting outside the door for me or is staring directly at me while I have my eyes shut. My anxiety level will skyrocket and I have to get out of the shower quickly whether I'm done or not.

I'm not afraid of outside darkness, but inside darkness. I could stand outside in the dark and maybe be a little uncomfortable, but something about the house and darkness just get to me.

I try to tell myself this is nonsense, there's nothing to be afraid of, you should know by now that there is no monsters, but it doesn't work. I feel like I live in some sort of horror show and every second is the second I'm about to be dragged down the basement stairs and...i'm not sure what I think is going to happen.

When I get scared I become unable to move, my heart starts pounding, my anxiety is through the roof and all the hair on my body stands up. I feel like a small child locked in a dark basement and I'm tired of it. I don't like being scared of my own shadow all the freakin' time and I want to be able to get past this so I can feel like a normal adult. I can't pinpoint any one reason that would explain this, i've just always been this way. It has gotten worse the older I get and now it's to the point that I will curl up in a ball and cry if confronted with darkness or anything that scares the crap out of me.

So, help me metafilter. To those who have been or still are scared of the dark, what were/are the tricks or tips you use to calm your irrational fears? Am I forever stuck being scared of every bump in the night or can I overcome this?

Takeoff-specific flying phobia

davisnot — Sat, 17 Nov 2012 23:26:17 -0800

Takeoff-specific flying phobia Everyone says that most crashes happen during takeoff and landing. I guess this is meant to be reassuring but actually, it has made me that much more terrified of takeoff.

I worry that something will go wrong during takeoff and that the plane won't have enough lift or will go hurtling to the ground. The speed at which the plane travels and the upward movement and shaking just terrifies me. Thoughts like "what if my pilot has a heart attack at this exact moment" or "what if we fly through a flock of birds" go through my mind.

Unfortunately for me I have to do a large number of long-haul flights with multiple connections.

Do you have any reassuring information about take offs in particular? How can I get over this specific fear?

While I don't care for any aspect of flying, it's the take off that really ruins it for me.

A 3 year old's strange phobias

misoramen — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 08:40:44 -0800

Over the summer, my 3.5 year old developed a bunch of odd aversions/phobias. And now, over the last three weeks or so, he seems generally anxious when we go out. I'm wondering if it's just a phase related to his age, and I should keep him mostly at home till it passes? Or is this the start of a more serious anxiety condition? Or a sign that our city life is too much for him? I've been reading about childhood fears, like: the dark, or monsters, or the bathtub, or bees. This is nothing like that, as far as I can tell.

He developed a fear of the choking/Heimlich maneuver poster in restaurants, and doesn't want to go in restaurants any more. Some days he even has trouble walking by restaurants because he will be thinking of the poster and wondering if it can be seen from the street. He says he doesn't like it because it reminds him that he could choke.

He also finds it frightening to look at people with piercings or tattoos, or dyed hair. The dyed hair thing extends beyond green or blue hair -- he reacts to people with the wrong shade of blond for their skin-tone, too. He is fine with temporary tattoos and wears them all the time.

He is completely fine at home. He is completely fine inside stores or a place like a children's museum, assuming we can get there. The general anxiety thing is newer, and happens whenever we leave our apartment. He wonders if there will be people in the laundry room. He worries about the places we go -- "Let's not go to that playground: we might see a mother scold her child like we did last time." If we go to visit his uncle at work, we might see tattoos. If we go to art class, we might see the administration woman with a nose ring. If we're riding the bus, he wonders about the emergency exit in the roof -- how would we get down from the roof of the bus if we had to climb out that way? He is always reading the signs that have warnings, cautions, rules, and asking about them in detail.

Up till now, he was not a worried person, though he has always been sensitive to noise, sensitive to odors, attuned to details, and rattled by emotional stories (e.g. books about kids who won't share). He loves amusement parks. He is social and extroverted and will even talk to these tattooed and pierced people -- he just won't look at them, and he'll be shaking the whole time. His odor sensitivity is at an all-time high right now.

We do live in NYC and in a busy neighborhood, so there are lots of colorful people around, plus sad/strange sights like homeless and drunk people.

His life seemingly has no stresses or traumas. Happy family, no deaths, no injury, (no choking), no school, no long separations, no siblings, no new bed, no new caregiver, etc.

I know that some fearfulness is normal at this age, but this feels like a big change. Or are big changes normal?

I never grew out of fear of the dark.

juniper — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 11:26:46 -0800

I am an adult with fear of the dark, along with other anxiety problems. I hate driving in the dark, even on streets with streetlights (I even hesitate to ride in the car at night) and feel panicky in dark rooms. I sleep with a nightlight, but wish it didn't feel like a necessity, and with fall coming, I dread the long nights ahead. Beyond therapy (which I have tried for my other problems and cannot currently afford) are there any methods of coping with this?

Ew.

Pericardium — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 17:08:25 -0800

I'm beginning to think that owning pets isn't right for me. But I'm an animal lover, I grew up with pets and the thought of giving my own away breaks my heart. What should I do about this? Long story short: I'm a germaphobe. I was very young when I had my pets at home, so I didn't have to deal with the mess of potting training etc.

Now that I've moved out and have my own pets, I'm dealing with pee and poop on a daily basis, as well as cleaning off poop infested dogs etc. It's been almost a year now and potty training hasn't gone well, and I still haven't gotten used to it and gotten over my phobia like I thought I would with more exposure.

I get sick to my stomach, I feel like bugs are crawling all over me, etc. I can't stand bodily fluids and disgusting things of that sort. My partner gets upset because I use so many paper towels, toilet paper etc cleaning it up because I can't stand the thought of the mess touching my hands. They'll say, "That's what soap's for."

I love my dogs with all my heart, and the thought of not seeing them grow up and not having them in my life, or indeed not having any pets at all in my life is absolutely heartbreaking. At the same time I feel that my quality of life is being lowered by the constant reactions I'm having to the disgustingness. When there isn't a mess things are fine, the dogs are great and I love them. They're amazing. It's the visceral reaction I'm having to the cleaning more than anything. I don't want my life to be filled with poop, pee, etc. The other problem is that once I've cleaned up a disgusting mess everything else, such as going into a public bathroom and seeing a mess on the seat, gives me an even worse visceral reaction.

To give you an idea of how bad it is: Unless required for work, I've always had family members clean/unclog/etc the toilets because I've been too disgusted to touch it. If I'm alone and it clogs I'll wait to unclog it and will go to a store to use it.

My question is, how can I deal with this difficult decision? If it turns out pets aren't for me, how do I deal with the loss of what's basically been my entire life? I grew up around animals, I'm an off and on vegetarian, I feel a deep connection with them. I just can't stand being disgusted and having these visions of poop in my head and ugh.

Do most men fear cooking naked?

kyrademon — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 09:25:46 -0800

Do most men fear cooking naked? During a recent discussion about naked cooking, someone admitted he was reluctant to do so due to a phobia of having his exposed penis in close proximity to hot pans, boiling water, spattering oil, etc. This led to in turn to a conversation about whether this was a fear shared by many men or unique to this individual. We turn to the wisdom of Ask Metafilter to determine the answer. What say you?

How can a former shy person go from merely functional to friendly?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 07:54:44 -0800

I used to be very shy. Through years of pushing myself (I'm 33 now), I've become pretty amazingly functional. But I find myself in an unexpected spot. While I very much want to be around people and I can now handle it without freezing up, my experience of actually being around people is one of gritted teeth and willpower. There's very little joy in it. In theory, I'd like nothing more than a bushel of friends hanging out in my kitchen on a Sunday night. In practice, I push myself into social situations like dunking my arm in freezing water, pulling it out with a huge sigh of relief as soon as I let myself. That's not a recipe for forging new friendships, which I know take time and certain amount of vulnerability. What can I do to take myself to the next level -- from functional to genuinely friendly? Do people ever make it to the next level? On the phobia scale, it's not enough for me to be able to let a spider crawl on my arm without having a panic attack, I need to be able to lay down in a cave full of spiders and love it. (I've been in therapy for a year, but aside from that, I'd like to hear from you all.)

How to drive again after decades of avoiding it

Neely O'Hara — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 09:59:57 -0800

I haven't driven a car in 15 years, and I'm about to get behind the wheel on Saturday. Help me prepare to get on the road again! A little background - my first time trying to drive was 22 years ago, when I was 16. My father tried to teach me, which was a terrible first experience. He screamed and yelled at me for any mistake I made and I would start crying and have to pull over to the side of the road and I absolutely dreaded the thought of driving.

Then I took lessons with a driving school through my high school, but failed the road test twice, and then didn't get behind the wheel again until I was 22. I took lessons from a different driving school and finally got my license. But I drove very infrequently, and then moved to NYC, and now it has been 15 years since I've driven at all.

Over these 15 years, I've gotten more and more anxious at the idea of driving - I have so little experience behind the wheel at all (for example, I've never driven at night before and I've only been on a highway once or twice). I've also been a passenger in a few accidents, which has increased my anxiety, and I am really intimidated at the idea of being able to process everything on the road that I need to pay attention to. I also feel like I have some issues with spatial perception - lots of times as a passenger I feel like other cars are going to hit my car, even if they're not all that close.

So anyway, after all this time of working myself up into a frenzy of nerves any time I would even contemplate driving, I signed up for refresher lessons last night, and my first one is Saturday. I want to be able to drive like any normal adult! But now that I've paid and signed the contract, I am just terrified that I won't be able to handle it. Not only do I feel like I have forgotten everything I used to know, I don't feel like I really ever knew it!

So I guess I'm looking for some tips or resources I can use before Saturday to be as ready as I can to face my biggest fear. Both in reducing my anxiety, and also just in how to be ready to handle a car and traffic again. I don't even know what I need to know! And any personal anecdotes of recovering from driving anxiety are welcome too.

How to have sex when you suffer from eurotophobia

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:48:39 -0800

I want to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time, but I have an extreme phobic reaction to both genitalia and vaginal penetration. How can I possibly overcome this? I'm a twenty-one-year-old virgin, and when I visit my long-distance boyfriend again in a few weeks, I would like to have sex with him for the first time. We have been friends for five years and romantically involved for three, so we have a strong and loving relationship. My boyfriend has never put any pressure on me, but I would like to do something special for him because he deserves it. Also, of course, I'm extremely sexually attracted to him (being highly aroused and unable to stop kissing and caressing him when we're together), and I'd really like to take things to the next level.

The problem? For as long as I can remember, I've suffered from a terrible phobia of genitalia and of penetration. Even to this day, I cannot view textbook-style drawings of female or male genitalia, much less my own actual anatomy, without shuddering from extreme disgust and fear and quickly looking away. I've finally grown somewhat used to the sight of my boyfriend's own sexual anatomy, despite finding it hard to look at for long, but the idea of touching or seeing my own genitalia is far worse yet. Somehow I find female genitalia much more revolting.

Despite occasional attempts over the years, I have also never successfully gone so far as to insert a tampon for this reason. Whenever I try, I can barely get the tampon's tip inside my vaginal opening without starting to cry, frozen by fear and frustrated by my inability to do what almost every other female my age (and many much younger) can. I am not sure if this might be a conditioned response related to a trans-vaginal sonogram performed on me by a gynecologist when I was fifteen, which was one of the most frightening and physically painful experiences of my life. In any case, while I suspect my hymen is probably torn due to that experience, I seriously doubt I will be able to fit a penis inside my vagina if I cannot even bring myself to put a tampon in. My powerful disgust-and-fear response to vaginal penetration will surely pose a tremendous barrier to sexual intercourse, for psychological if not for physical reasons.

What can I do to overcome my phobias or hang-ups, and to work toward being able to attempt sexual intercourse with the man I love? I would guess that some sort of self-administered systematic desensitization or exposure therapy would be most appropriate for my situation, but right now my fear reaction is so strong and powerful (I can't even look at or touch myself for more than a second) that I don't know how to begin. Do you know of any resources that could help me with this? Websites would be my preference, provided they don't contain prominent and unavoidable images of the objects of my fear. I would also be interested in any books you could recommend, or any personal experiences or perspectives you could share that might help me.

E-mail for answers to follow-up questions or private answers: askmefianonyme@gmail.com

What is this strange feeling and why?

Pope Xanax IV — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 20:24:28 -0800

Why do I find this image (SFW, not disturbing to most people) incredibly repulsive? I was browsing Reddit the other day, and came upon a post of the above image. I found myself disgusted by it, but in ways I couldn't articulate. At the same time, I was weirdly fascinated and kept looking at it. After thinking about it, I realize that I feel a similar sense of disgust toward other things with abnormal holes. It's not really a fear, but a combination of fascination and disgust.

Is there any explanation as to why someone would have this reaction to things like this? Is this a phobia? Are there any theories about the development of weird phobias, so to speak, such as this one?

What's this touch-o-phobia I have?

juiceanddoom — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 02:12:58 -0800

Getting a bit obsessive about keeping my personal space personal. Would like to know what is going on. My young nephews are staying with me and they are fairly rambunctious. That's cool. But when they rub me up the wrong way, they really rub me up the wrong way. Even just brushing against me or prodding or poking me, whether intentional or not, drives me nuts. I can't concentrate on anything else at all - I am completely focused on the physical sensation of the touch or swipe or poke or prod to the exclusion of all else. If they lean on me to go to sleep in the car or want to ride on my back that is absolutely fine. I hold their hands all the time to stop them running out into traffic or to prevent them from getting lost in crowds and I don't mind that one bit, although to be honest I am very aware of what exactly they are doing with their hands at all times when they are holding mine. I don't think it's whether they initiate the physical contact or I do, but more to do with how fleeting or glancing the touch is. But even that isn't it entirely.

In fact, on reflection I think I must have had this 'condition' all my life--I just don't like being touched very much unless it is a good firm handholding / handshake or perhaps intimacy or something like that. I absolutely detest the idea and feel of a massage - if someone creeps up behind me at work and starts to kneed my shoulders in a friendly way, I squirm. I am usually hyper vigilant about maintaining my personal space in crowds or queues, etc, and again, this generally demands all my attention, to the detriment of any conversational skills that I may otherwise bring to bear, to the ultimate chagrin of my long-suffering wife.

What is it that I have and how can I overcome it?

Is my uncle out of line, or am I?

starpoint — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:48:15 -0800

OK. Here's my issue. I can drive, but I've inherited a bit of a driving phobia from my mom (who doesn't drive at all). In the small town where I'm originally from, I just stuck to regular roads and state highways. I've never liked the freeway. I've recently moved to the Bay Area, and the driving is way more intense here than what I'm used to. There's a choir that I am interested in joining at some point, but getting to rehearsals and back at night is an issue since it's too far to walk. I could rent a ZIP car but I don't feel comfortable driving on the freeways here.

Whenever I said this to my uncle, he kept saying I shouldn't tell myself I can't drive on the freeway. He says millions of people do it every day and so can I. He starts comparing me to others, saying look at your cousin, he didn't know how to drive a stick shift before he came to CA and now he can drive any freeway in the world. And the woman next door who came from a small town and she can drive everywhere too. He brought my mother into the picture by saying, "this is the problem with your mom, she's passed her fears onto you", etc. Sure, that's all true, but it's not helpful and so invalidating!

I felt like he didn't get that I have a *real* fear of the freeway. I *understand* that it's an irrational/limiting fear, but it's there anyway. That part is REAL. Whenever I tried to state that driving on the 580 freeway is not something I feel comfortable with, he dismisses it and says it's just a lie I'm telling myself and that it's all because of my mom that I'm like this. I don't feel like he truly understands where I'm coming from, since he's never had a driving phobia. I felt invalidated. I'm sure he means well, and I appreciate all that he has done for me in helping me adjust to life out here. But his way of telling me to face my fears on the road was not helpful. Just wanted to know if you think he should have been more understanding of my fears.

The way I see it, when someone has a fear or phobia of something, the *worst* thing you can do is try to rationalize with them and shoot them with platitudes like, "you can do anything you set your mind to", or "that's a lie you're telling yourself", etc, because the person with a phobia already KNOWS that their fear is irrational. Or am I totally off the mark here?

Severe emetophobia. Need help.

tumid dahlia — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 19:21:48 -0800

I am posting this for my partner, who has severe emetophobia. Details inside. My girlfriend of three and a bit years has a major psychological problem, which is emetophobia: an intense fear of vomiting, either her own or other people's.

At first I was like "Yeah, nobody really enjoys puking" but it's gotten to a point lately where it has become an intense and damaging issue, and isn't doing wonders for our relationship.

It manifests itself in many different ways, but a few of the more common examples are: severe obsessive compulsiveness when it comes to cleaning (she sweeps and mops and wipes pretty much the whole house a couple of times a day), extensive use of pharmaceuticals (such as Pramin, Buscopan and Somac) to combat the intense fear she feels whenever anything happens with her stomach, and an intense reluctance to attend gatherings where children might be present (because children are disgusting and covered in germs).

Sometimes I actually witness her worrying herself about being sick to the point that she is almost sick. She is afraid that just about every food is going to poison her and make her throw up (and I sometimes, though rarely, like to try and make something a little different, and get irrationally pissed off when she refuses to try any).

Nobody takes it seriously, and I fully admit that at first I didn't either. Whenever she tells anybody about her problem, the first thing they give her is their Great Vomit Story. Thankfully I've never done that. But my point is that I recognise that it is a very serious issue, and it is causing her health to deteriorate mightily. She has very low iron levels as well, as in dangerously low, but supplements aren't doing anything (the doc theorises that it may not be being absorbed through her stomach) and we are having difficulty getting IV/injection treatments. Her "movements", if we can call them that, are sporadic and basically Maltesers, and she gets a lot of constipation and bloating. She is always incredibly anxious about seeing puke (and I've watched her obsessively looking at the ground whenever we are out and about, looking for evidence of where people might have thrown up). Whenever we're watching a movie or a show I've got to keep one finger on the 'mute' button in case a character starts to look a bit queasy.

She was seeing a therapist for it some years ago but that fizzled out. Basically her only forms of self-medication at the moment are the cleaning and drugs listed above, and working the phobia forums and chatting to other sufferers. It's left her convinced that nothing will ever fix her ever, that nothing can ever be done, and has in fact told me that the only way she will ever be free of the problem is by killing herself.

I've tried to tell her that while I recognise it is a serious problem with no easy fix, and will require all sorts of different therapies and treatments, and that we need to try as many things as we possibly can, she is steadfast in her belief that nothing can ever be done.

So to that end...I have to say I don't really know what my question is. I guess I wanted to canvass Metafilter and hopefully get the advice of anybody else who has or had the same problem, or a similar problem (psychological which manifests as physiological), or anybody who has done any research into the matter, or any doctors or scientists or therapists, who might be able to give us some ideas. None of the MDs or psychiatrists she has been to have had any familiarity with the subject, and have more often than not taken it about as seriously as a lay person. One suggested exposure therapy. I think not.

Money is difficult for us at the moment as my girlfriend is out of work and I don't earn a great deal, but things can be done on that front. I just wanted to hear about things that we can try.

Does anybody have any ideas?

Help me get over my fear of conflict.

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 07:58:03 -0800

Help me become ok with conflict. I avoid conflict. Not just overt, head-butting conflict, but also minor disagreements, disapproving looks, divergent preferences... all the way down to the friction generated by the give and take of an interesting conversation. Anything short of complete harmony, and I'm looking for a way out. Sometimes this means avoiding the person or situation. Sometimes this means just shutting up and smiling. Sometimes it means not developing an opinion of my own until I know what other people think first. My absolute fear of conflict is a drag. It makes me and my life pretty bland and I want to beat it. Tell me how to beat it. To start, I am in therapy. This is how I've come to realize that I have this problem. But I want to tackle this from all sides. I'm looking for tricks, tips, and activities that I can get involved with to expand my comfort zone on the Smiles-to-Punch-in-the-Face scale from a 1 to a nice solid 8.

Bonus points for activities in which conflict is an integral and inescapable aspect of doing it at all.

OMG flying really?

Octoparrot — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 20:28:08 -0800

Fear of flying 2.0. So this is me Scary Flyer. It turns out there's finally a training in Dallas I'm not going to be able to miss. This means either I'm going to be driving 12 hours from Denver or flying. Rationally I know that I'm safer flying than driving but I'm freaked to all holy hell and have even been considering driving instead of flying.

What I really want is some reassurance of people telling me how afraid they were to fly that overcame that fear. Barring that I'd just love some people to tell me some ways to overcome phobias in general. I plan to pull up this thread whenever I start having a panic attack since the last thread did so much to help me. I've already got some anti-anxiety meds (benzos) for the immediate issue but it's a month away and I'm occasionally overcome by anxiety freaking out over the actual details of the flight. Help me Metafilter!

Ultimately, how did you get over your fear of flying?

Google Map Markers Terrify Me

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Aug 2011 15:19:56 -0800

Does anyone else have a phobia of those Google Maps markers? Hi. This is embarrassing, which is why I'm posting anonymously. Does anyone have a phobia of the Google maps pins -- and ideas for how I can make sure to never see one again? (Here is an example of the map from hell for me: http://www.mindmyhouse.com/sitters/owner_search/map.php). Helpful for some, horror for me.

I don't know, they just give me the serious heebie jeebies -- for some reason I see them and think plague. Or scabs. Literally, they make me sick. Is there any way I can configure my browser so they'll never turn up -- or otherwise get over this? Thanks!

Is this a phobia?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 06:37:30 -0800

Why do I avoid looking at maps, satellite images and the Mona Lisa? About five years ago while flipping through an art history book I had a strong reaction of dread/fear come over me while looking at a print of the Mona Lisa--to such a degree that I couldn't look at that page anymore. I experienced a sinking feeling, sweaty palms, repulsion and had to kind of talk myself down afterward. I had never had a reaction like that to any image before. That's how the whole thing started. This led slowly to becoming afraid of other unlikely things, namely maps and satellite images/photos taken from space. My current reaction to such feels akin to a fear of falling, but, just as with the Mona Lisa, I wasn't afraid of maps or satellite images until relatively recently. I realized now how routinely I avoid clicking on links or allowing myself to be caught off guard in any way by visuals. It's not ruining my life (yet) but I can see how something like this could continue to expand, as it already has, into a real problem (especially since I work in the design industry). Therapy is the best answer, but I can't afford therapy right now. Please tell me anything you can about the symptoms I've described. Is this a phobia? Have you ever had any similar experiences? If so, was it brought on by anything in particular? Thank you!

Knowing Your Limits/Accepting or Mitigating Intellectual Failure

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 15:11:56 -0800

I have a serious problem with being seen to be intellectually 'wrong'. I need ways to get over it I consider myself to be an intelligent, popular guy. I'm a creative thinker, and currently studying for a PhD that I am proud of. I am the kind of person who revels in being right, being clever, understanding the world. As a teacher/tutor I also love to share knowledge with others, and believe that a good teacher is capable of learning from their students.

When I am surrounded by people I respect, in a conversational situation, I have no problems debating, sharing ideas, learning new things because of misunderstandings I've carried around. But in a public forum, confronted by people I don't know personally I suffer from a terrible fear of making a fool of myself.

This sounds run of the mill, right, everyone worries about how they are perceived by others? But it haunts me.

The other day I chaired a discussion between three academics. They were each delivering papers on the work of a specific author, who also happened to be in the audience. After they had delivered their papers it was my job to ask a question that united their work and opened up discussion to the rest of the audience. My question was valid, it felt that way, but I think I delivered it a bit chaotically. In many ways, and this is probably a big part of my problem, what I did was tried to ask a question I didn't have a complete tool-kit to put into words. So although in a conversational mode I could have phrased it right, promoted an interesting discussion, in this one-off situation I ended up tripping a bit. Perhaps I aimed above my ability.

Everyone does this. And I don't judge people who I see do this, but still the event haunts me. It's like I'm carrying it around like a rotten shadow that won't budge. Like a cloud.

This problem will only get more pronounced as I move into academia. I don't fear getting up in front of an audience, I don't fear putting my work out there, what I fear is people wondering "what they hell is he doing there?"

I hate the thought that clever people won't think I am clever.

I fear not being able to justify my words, my actions, my ideas. A lot of academic banter is instant, and has to be precise, articulate. I fear that my fear will only further erode my articulacy in front of others.

How do I get over this? How do I promote a modesty in my self-presentation? How do I assess where I sit in the food-chain of intelligence, and be happy to remain there? be happy to use my abilities without carrying this knot around in my stomach whenever I make a tiny error?

How do I accept that it's ok to not know/understand everything?

Have found 'root' of my phobia, now how do I cure it?

Faintdreams — Tue, 24 May 2011 04:02:37 -0800

I have found the root of (what is becoming a debilitating) phobia, now what do I do to get rid of phobia completely? I have an intense phobia of a particular animal. I won't say in this open forum what it is, but it is something common and something nearly everyone encounters quite often.

I have vivid memories of NOT being afraid of this animal up until about the age of seven, and then I have no memories until around ten or eleven because I suffered a childhood disease that had me in a coma for an extended period.

So, I have traced the root of the phobia back to a particular scene in a particular children's book. I am positive this is the 'root' of the phobia, but now that I know that, what can I do to combat it?

I've tried psychotherapy, I've tried anti anxiety drugs (which are difficult to use, because of unknown exposure to thing I am phobic about), and they have horrible side effects. I've tried the counselling and the 'flooding' method for counteracting my phobia and that didn't work either.

I've also tried the NLP 'Visualise the thing and then reduce it in size and make it black and white and then smaller and smaller until it is inconsequential" routine. That seemed to cure my phobic night terrors, but not the actual phobia.

I cannot talk about the thing, seeing a picture of it/them, causes flight or flight, actual exposure can lead to full on panic attack shock - with the horrible accompanying adrenaline come down - and I really just want it all to stop.

In nearly all other respects I and others consider me a well balanced adult. I normally face my fears when safe to do so, and I don't squick easily. I would really appreciate some concrete advice on how to stop being afraid of this thing - forever.

I dont expect to ever be all "oh look it's *animal* yay", but I'd like to not have mild panic attacks at the mere glimpse of one on tv, and full blown screaming 'peel me off the cealing' attacks when actually exposed to one.

Also I'd like to point out that I've heard all the 'just man up' or 'just talk yourself out of it' solutions, and I want concrete, constructive advice. My phobia is real, and having an increasing effect on my life. It is not some 'silly irrational fear', or 'strong dislike'. I know my reaction to the phobic thing is disproportionate, I just don't' know how to stop having the disproportionate fear reaction.

Oh the animal itself is not dangerous, and I've tried to learn more about them to demystify them, but doing so often involves large pictures of them which I can't face because of the phobia!

Thanks for your time :D

Is this a good goal?

Sara Bellum — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 23:35:57 -0800

I have a personal goal to do karaoke in the future. It's not because I enjoy making a spectacle of myself in public or want to show off my singing voice (to the contrary!), it's because I currently have severe social phobia. I think doing something that anxiety-inducing would be a great stepping stone and I'd also like to use that hopefully positive experience as a marker for how far I've come. What songs would suit an otherwise mediocre female voice that surprisingly sounds decent singing There Is A Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths and most of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen? I'd prefer if the songs are available on your average bar's jukebox, but feel free to suggest obscure songs. Genre does not matter.

The kinds of rolling stone I don't like

KogeLiz — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 12:39:26 -0800

Reducing panic/phobias before surgery to remove a kidney stone. Snowwwflakes inside. So. On Friday I went to the health division at work because I thought I was having severe cramps/issues due to my period and basically just wanted something to take the pain away. They did some blood tests and a urine test. They then sent me to the ER because the red blood cells were too high to count.

Turns out the kidney stone that I thought came out over three weeks ago was actually still inside me.

Went to the urologist today. They want to do surgery (Lithotripsy, I believe he said) on Friday. I thought it wasn't invasive, but apparently they have to shove something up my urethra (I'm female, btw) and put in some stents.

Okay. So. Problem is. I suffer from severe emetophobia.

Here's what's going through my head:

1. If I have the surgery, maybe the general anesthesia will make me sick when I wake up
2. If I keep drinking tons and tons of water, maybe the kidney stone will move much more and THAT will make me sick
3. If I start to get severe pain again and I take these painkillers, maybe THOSE will make me sick.

I should mention that I have yet to be "sick" (knock on wood five thousand times) with the exception of two alcohol-related incidents in which I was barely conscious.
And I have taken many many medications as an adult without side effects. Back then I was on medications for anxiety/panic... so I wasn't such a nutcase like I am now.

But even with this logic, I'm still having panic attacks and obsessing over this.

I've had about 1-3 panic attacks a day since Friday. Anytime I feel somewhat uncomfortable, I fear that I'm going to sick in relation to this stupid kidney stone. I'm not worried about complications with the surgery or the pain but I'm afraid of throwing up.

Basically I need some reassurance that I can get through any/all of this without getting sick. I know that everyone is different and you obviously cannot guess that I will/will not get sick.

Or maybe some ideas on how to handle the panic.
(Currently not insured; I'm on a waiting list to see therapist)