Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with past

A ladder left behind

Funmonkey1 — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 02:55:24 -0800

[FearFilter]: 15 years ago I experienced an imminent death/serious injury moment that turned out ok. However, I still feel physical chills and tingly feelings even thinking about it. Am I the only one or is this common? Thoughts and stories appreciated. The science is a huge bonus. Short background. Many years ago some friends and I decided to put a ladder out the 3rd floor house in order to gain access to the roof.

I clearly recall the way back down the ladder and it is no mistake, balance was against me. That 1 second of fighting against of gravity while looking down is ingrained in my mind. The moment is etched forever in the brain and triggers immediate fear and physical response if I focus on it. WTF? After so long?

I can't be the only one that has such a memory that stirs such strong physical and emotion reaction. What is it called and how does one not be so jolted?

tallying up the notches on the bedpost?

Anonymous — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:49:55 -0800

Please help me to constructively frame and endure a "let's discuss your past relationships" conversation with my SO. Kind of complex, but I'll try to avoid being too wordy here. Hetero couple, he is 30, I'm 41, six months into a relationship. We both initially took it for a light hearted fling (mainly due to the age thing there). The more we keep at it, though, the better we get along. Actually, I get along with him better than anyone else I've ever dated. I've joked that he's the first guy I'm really attracted to that I actually, honest to god LIKE as well. We've started to discuss the fact that this might actually, crazy as it sounds, work out long term.

Here's my challenge. The one thing he has admitted to having trouble dealing with is the fact that I've got more "past history" in regards to relationships (aka "partner count") than he has. Partly this is simple math; I'm a decade older. He gets that. Partly it has to do with his own methodology. I'm only the 4th girl he's ever dated, and the last 3 were all LTRs (over a year). His BFF has told me that he is very picky in terms of girls and that he's not a "hookup" kind of guy anyway.

So here's my question. He recently mentioned that he thinks it might be "time to discuss our past history". He says he knows it isn't really important to our current relationship, but he feels it is something that will always bother him if he doesn't know. He recently said he wanted to move forward with the idea of living together at some point, and he wanted to get everything out there in the open before that.

Part of me wants to say it's none of his damned business, however I think he's also got a valid concern. I have always been honest with him, and we have great 2-way communications. We are very open with each other, much more so than I've ever been with prior partners. Which I think maybe some of the problem here for me: I am just not as comfortable talking about my past as he is. Whether it's sociological bullshit / baggage cluttering up the issue, the age thing, or just our 2 different backgrounds, I don't know. We are both very open minded people, I think he just wants to be reassured that I wasn't a complete slutbag in my youth (I wasn't, thank god, but there is some stuff there).

The big thing I don't want to mess up here is that I don't want to come off as flip or condescending. The other problem I have is that I often tend to just shut down during difficult conversations because I don't know how or what to say. This guy is incredibly intelligent and a very good communicator. When we first started dating, he even called me a couple times on talking down to him, and I have since learned never to underestimate him.

Honestly I don't think anything that will come out of this is going to be a deal breaker for either of us. I think it's just one of these not-so-fun conversations you must have as a couple in order to build trust and intimacy. I trust him not to go haywire (he's not like that at all) I just very much don't want to say the wrong things here or lead the discussion down the garden path.

So we are probably going to have The Talk in the next couple of days, and I could really use some help in how to get through this. Suggestions?

Flaky Photographer

brandoniain — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 09:16:23 -0800

How much leeway should I give a photographer who has already missed his OWN deadlines three times now? On August 11, my wife and I had our photos professionally taken on the Oregon Coast by a local photographer who came highly rated with a great gallery of work.

His initial promise on the day was that he would deliver to us a login code for his website so that we could view proofs and he would send a DVD of the originals by mail. He promised that this would happen within two to three weeks.

Fast forward two weeks from August 11 and I received an email saying that he would have pictures on the site within two days and mailed that very day. Nothing happened.

This past Monday I checked in with the photographer again, being very polite, and got a response that he would have things to me by the end of the day or tomorrow morning at the very latest.

Well, that time frame has come and gone - it's now 24 hours past "his latest" delivery...

I'm a photographer as well, I did a two day music festival in College Station, Texas a week later and have already processed and delivered on the 3,700 photos I shot over those two days. I'm trying to be polite - I know that things come up. But this is getting a bit silly and I've already paid him every penny PLUS a tip.

What should I do?

When I was young me and my mama had beef

prefpara — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 09:09:32 -0800

How do I let go of the past? When I was growing up, my mom and I fought constantly. Sometimes, the fights were very bitter, and we would end up not speaking for months. During the worst fights, she said things to me that I have not forgiven. I definitely behaved badly, but I have been working on letting go of my guilt on that score, which has really helped us have a better relationship now that I am an adult and out of the house. However, I think I have reached a plateau. We don't fight, and we generally get along when we're together, but I can't get myself to include her in my life in any way. I want to have a good relationship with her, but I don't know what to do to get there.

I'm starting to think that at some point, I will have to talk to her about these issues. This is complicated by the fact that any time my childhood comes up, she starts crying and saying that she was a bad mother, which I resent and see as a manipulative move meant to make me feel sorry for her and reassure her, and to take away my ability to confront her with my feelings. Also, it works. I can't very well say, yes, you were a bad mother, and what are we going to do about it, when she just cries and generally acts wounded and makes me feel like a villain. Or maybe I should, but currently can't. In part, this is because I really don't know what I would want out of the conversation. I would tell her that she did x, y, and z wrong, she would cry, and then what? I can't visualize a way for the conversation to help or end constructively.

I really want to work on this on my own before I start working on it with her. Right now, despite the fact that she hasn't said a cross word to me in years, I am still incapable of opening up to her.

If you have had experience with a similar situation, please let me know if you think there are any ways of thinking about this that could be useful, or if you can suggest a way to talk to her, or really any advice that you have. I would like it if I didn't need to keep a wall between me and my mom. I just don't know how to unbuild it.

Finally, I very much appreciate all of your advice and help. However, I am hoping for answers that contain advice other than "seek therapy."

How to help my girlfriend overcome her past?

HBomb — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 15:27:01 -0800

Background info: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2years and we both love each other very much. However, every once in awhile she will get depressed because of her troubled past. She is my first girlfriend, while she's had a few bad partners who I would punch in the face if I ever saw them. Just to name a few, she was physically abused by one, had a "friends with benefits" she is extremely disgusted/ashamed about. Every once in awhile her past will come back and cause her a lot of suffering. I've been very patient, respectful, loving and understanding to her throughout our entire relationship. However, I feel helpless to help her overcome her past. I've suggested counseling but she thinks it won't really help. Has anyone gone through something similar? I want to help her but I don't know how? Do I just continue doing what I am doing? Thank you in advance

How to stop worrying, and move on

mrgreyisyelling — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 10:43:16 -0800

How to acknowledge my situation, without acting as though I'm apologizing for my past? I'm returning to school, for a second degree (Bachelors no MA, why in a bit) after sometime being in the real world. The process and the path that is bringing me to this seems fairly natural 'next step' in my general trajectory.

I'm fairly excited, very motivated and I feel pretty clear on my goals - but everyone around me is treating me very badly for making this choice - either openly or quietly passing judgment on me because I'm going for a second degree, as if I was finally coming to my senses and boy are they glad.

This is making me very bitter, especially at my parents - because their encouragement is this two tone support of my now and bashing my past choices. That I was once foolish and now I am no longer.

At the same time - I feel pretty certain this would never be an issue if I had just jumped right into an MA degree - which I chose not to, which I thought was wise, but people are treating me as if another Bachelors is admitting some guilt. I simply don't - not until the brought it up and started harshing my mellow.

My reason for being vague is because this isn't unique. I feel like I do it to myself as much as anyone: Damning my past for what I know now. Like "If I only paid attention in Italian class, I would know another language and I wouldn't be a dummy." I know this isn't true, because I spent that time ignoring class because I was happily chasing girls and enjoying myself in that. Probably not as long lasting - but still happily part of my education.

I didn't do any number of things because I chose this path to happiness. Despite knowing this - their views, which feed my insecurities, are wearing me out. I don't want want to toss away my past as draft 1, but this atmosphere is pretty deadly to this conviction.

My question is, how can I come to terms with this, acknowledging the choices I made, to myself and to others, without then treating it or thinking about it as a big mistake?

How can take what I know in my head with rational confidence and make it something real to me so I can stop feeling so bad about my past?

What does it mean to lack a past and future?

unknowncommand — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:06:28 -0800

What is it called when you can't imagine the past or the future? I'm not sure what else to include. Essentially, the past and future are unimaginable from an intellectual and emotional point of view. Sort of like tunnel vision. Does this have some sort of Psych 101 term?

Like Army of Darkness, but more realistic

OpinioNate — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:02:07 -0800

Help me find a specific type of time travel novel. I like to measure my knowledge of technology by how well I could describe a thing to people living in the past. Say I was transported 300 years into the past - would I be able explain powered flight? How about germs or penicillin? I'm really keen to find books that describe this specific scenario: Someone from the present is transported into the past, taking with him or her the benefits of our age.

Outlander is a pretty good example, but Gabaldon is too romance-y for me. Any ideas?

I am not a conspiracy theorist, but. . .

exlotuseater — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 23:37:34 -0800

What kinds of high-technology things exist now but will only come to light 50 or 100 years from now? Speculative, but asking for concrete answers. I was thinking about Scientific American's "50, 100, 150 years ago" column, in which the magazine revisits earlier articles, some speculative, some cutting-edge, current science. Some of it seems silly or absurd in retrospect, but only time provides this lens.

In a sort of reversal, I was thinking about high-technology now, and how some things only come to light many years after the fact. The whole cloak-and-dagger CIA history, with poison darts and exploding cigars, the real James Bond stuff. The military did all sorts of unethical testing (radiation, chemical, etc) on human subjects, and of course we only found out years after the fact through FOIA requests and research.

What about satellites? We know they have a certain resolution (Terraserver, Google Maps, USGS, etc) but that resolution is at the level deemed acceptable for civilian use. What don't we know? Same with GPS-- military GPS is more refined than what you can get on your Garmin or whatever. What other capabilities do you think that they might have that we don't know? What about Eschelon, and Carnivore? What else is there? We know about Raytheon's pain-ray, because they're deploying it now-- what about the stuff "they" don't want to tell us?

Obviously the military-industrial complex is a prime source for this sort of stuff, and I understand that part of the problem of the very nature of my question is this same time-lens that we don't have yet--but we can speculate based on what has come before. If you can come up with ideas, please try to suggest antecedents or why you think that technology X is being used or developed today.

I am looking for answers in any field, particularly science--psychology, biology, physics, cartography, geology, etc.

What shady business is going on that we'll find out about after the fact?

Finding New Love, Leaving Behind the Old

Deep Dish — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 19:56:34 -0800

I am working on trying to get my romantic life in order, but I seem to get tripped on one issue - how do I handle the "gaps in my resume"? I am working hard on getting my romantic life back in order and I seem to put up a red flag whenever I am asked about my romantic history.

First I haven't been in a relationship in about three years, this was owed to various things. I hoped to work things out with my ex, got my first grown-up job, and became a home owner in that period - it was a very busy time and part of me wanted to make sure my house was in good order. I am properly motivated now and there is nothing in past or present holding me back.

In my past attempts to re-enter the romantic world. I've explained this in more general terms "well I was very busy with my career, etc" it always gets me sideways looks. How do I handle this issue?

What to Do With Letters from Exes?

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 20:22:45 -0800

What do you do with your collection of old letters from ex-significant others? I have a stack of letters to and from two exes with whom I had long-distance relationships (I kept copies of some of the letters I wrote to them.) One SO wrote embarrassing, dramatic letters, one wrote sweet, funny letters. I hate to get rid of the things because 1) the form has all but died and 2) they're my surrogate diaries. But I'm married and don't necessarily want my spouse to be subjected to them -- spouse knows about the past relationships in a vague way, and wouldn't learn any secrets by reading them, just that I and my SOs were emotionally immature and bad writers.

BookFilter: Mystery from Past

bkdelong — Sun, 23 Oct 2005 17:07:24 -0800

Looking for Halloween-themed, pre-teen ghost mystery from the 80s. Not sure I can remember the full plot. All I recall is that it was from one of those Mystery-oriented Babysitter's Club-type book series though maybe for a bit younger crowd.

The specific book was a Halloween mystery and involved a ghost that was either the kid's friends or could communicate with them. Maybe there was a computer theme? Anyway, there was a guy putting needles in Halloween candy.

The story effected me so much that I had dreams about it for years afterwards.

Looking for a fast way to get old issues of magazines

Lizc — Wed, 10 Nov 2004 14:08:53 -0800

Magazine Filter: How does one get past issues of magazines without going through the publisher? I'm looking for the April 2004 issue of Esquire Magazine. The publisher takes 2-3 weeks to ship past issues... is there a better/faster way I'm missing?

Will future politicians have to explain their Web past?

Masi — Wed, 11 Aug 2004 03:08:20 -0800

Will future politicians have to explain their Web past [MI]? As blogs (and a Web presence in general) become more popular, it is to be expected the politicians that will shape up for the next 40-50 years will have acted in a online forum in some way or another, espousing opinions, which could be controversial.

There are already political figures having blogs, such as the King of Cambodia or the Iranian Vice President in the Parliamentary Legal Affairs, and there have already been controversies regarding someone's Internet past.

Considering this, how likely is it that tomorrow's politicians will be able to be tracked through the marks they left on various Internet forums? Will it be able to see the way their ideas got shaped?

Considering that most forums now have archives and will be easily accessed in the future, should anyone intending for a political (or any other, actually) career be careful on what opinion he espouses on the Internet?