Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with passion

Letting go of God: Help me deal with my atheism and the five stages of grief. I'm in the fourth stage now.

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:57:30 -0800

Please give advice on how to accept my atheism, let go of God and the need for one, how to get over the fourth stage of grief/letting go (depression), and how to find my passion for life again! Hello, hivemind.

I'm from a totally Bible-banging family (Creationists, End Timers, warped-Republicans, sexist, homophobic and a little racist). I haven't been a Christian for going on six years now, ever since I read the Bible all the way through and decided it was a total piece of junk filled with violence and hatred toward other faiths, women, etc. I know I don't believe in the Christian God, or, it seems, any religion or philosophy akin to it (no, not even Buddhism), as I have read many religious texts, apologetics and more besides and just don't feel there's any evidence for any of it. Simply put, I appear to be an atheist...at least as far as labels go.

The unfortunate thing is that I'm not handling this too well, and it has recently occurred to me that I have been going through what can best be identified as the five stages of grief, which just annoys me to no end! (I'd just like to get on with my life!) The whole not believing in God/gods thing has really been like a death in the family, so to speak...it's frustrating and painful. I'm specifically not having what I would consider healthy reactions to my lack of faith, which is a major reason that I've chosen to post this, rather than just rely on the great advice that I could find in similar questions from the past.

Maybe I should first talk about the five stages.

For one year, I was in denial. Even though I didn't believe in God, I continued to say that I did and tried to push through. I came up with lots of excuses as to why my doubts were happening. I read a lot of Christian apologetics that I didn't agree with in that time, in an attempt to act like things were okay with me and the Big Aggressive Creator in the Sky. I even avoided competing ideas. I prayed lots. I lived as closely to the Bible as I could, without totally ripping myself of my own thoughts regarding ethics and morality.

That didn't work, and I ended up getting angry. I was angry at the concept of God, angry that I couldn't seem to believe in it and angry that I had believed in what I felt was myth. I was angry at my family for bringing me up in extremism, as well as at all the borderline-abusive things they did in God's name, all the things they kept me from, because they were "of the devil". I was angry that I couldn't have lived "normally, like most people", in either moderate faith or no faith. In a weird sort of way, I was even angry that I was having to think about any of it. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go back to the blind faith I'd had or bypass all of it, but I was angry that the issue had cropped up. I read everything I could get my hands on at this time, be it scientific or religious. I feel like I read more during this time than any other time of my life. I wanted to learn, so I could actually form my own opinions.

Another six months to a year passed, and bargaining began. I tried to live some form of very mild Christianity to agnosticism (Jesus was a good man; the Bible's a good "moral" text), thinking, "If I just do this, it will be the best of both worlds. I won't have any more problems. Things can work out this way." The idea was that I could still keep up with a religious community, be everyone's friend, etc. The reality, however, was that I began to identify less and less with Christians/Christianity/more religious people on the whole, with only a few exceptions, and that more of my friends slowly but surely ended up being agnostic, all the way to militant atheists. Not trying to step on any Mefi toes, but to be honest, the agnostics/atheists in my life were the only ones who didn't seem to be insecure, lying jerks most of the time, so it seems almost inevitable that things turned out the way they did. (Big disclaimer!!: I know this does not represent all Christians, just my experiences with some of them. I still even have some Christian friends, but not many.) I didn't go searching for my "heathen" friends, but we found each other. We gravitated toward one another, as our core philosophies were now similar. I also found/find myself annoyed by most religious people these days, but I never say/do anything regarding that. I try to accept where possible and be silent, when I feel myself unable. I married a mild-mannered, sugar-sweet atheist guy. My watered-down Christianity turned to full-blown agnosticism around the time I met him, as a result of all these experiences and changes.

I was happy with my agnosticism for a year, to year and a half, but recently I've noticed, as far as labels go, I am more of an atheist. To this very moment, though, I've not said aloud to anyone, not even my husband, that I actually consider myself an atheist. I don't know why the label means as much as it does, other than I know that if religious people dislike me now as an unbeliever, many will hate me as an atheist, even if that's what I most closely identify with... I guess I can't help but not want people to not hate me, even if they're extremist whack jobs. The label means a lot to me, too, though, because I'm really tired of lying about how I feel and think.

This seems to have put me in the fourth stage of grief, depression. I feel sad that I can't buy into the comforting stories I once did, sad that I can't agree with my family as far as faith goes, sad that I'm not accepted by tons of religious people (including family) when they find out I'm an unbeliever (even when I am accepting toward them), sad that I no longer believe in life after death or guiding forces in the universe. I think we are here, we die, and that's it, and that notion depresses me. I don't think there's any evidence to the contrary, however, so I'm bound to it...whether I like it or not. I know we can't know what happens "on the other side", but I highly doubt it's anything spectacular. I highly doubt it's anything at all.

I want to get to the fifth stage of grief, where I accept myself and the death of my religion and faith, but it just seems so impossible at this stage. As said, some of my reactions to my own atheism aren't healthy. For instance, I have lost my passion for a lot of life, which is bad for me in more ways than one, considering I am a professional artist and writer and need to feel and create accordingly. I miss my sense of wonder. I feel wonder at the universe, but it's a head-wonder, not a heart-wonder, like I felt with spirituality. I'll agree with Carl Sagan and my fellow atheists and agnostics that it's amazing to think about how statistically unlikely it is that I'm here, that the planet works the way it does, etc. I'll agree that, because of all these things and my finite time here on earth, I should value every second I have and live it to the fullest, without apology...

But I can't seem to...

I am amazed by the world, but that doesn't drive me. In fact, it's all the opposite. It makes me feel like there's no point. Amazement is just part of it, but it doesn't particularly mean much. I realize that, without "something behind everything", it doesn't matter one iota (speaking from a selfish perspective here) whether I build great things or just sit on my couch and rot, whether I live to be 100 or die tomorrow. It will matter to some, but not to many, and not for long. It's like, what am I trying to prove to anyone or to myself now? How on earth does any of it matter if it's just this tiny bit of time I have? I'd like to help people, and while I realize that while I do touch some people's lives, and that does make me happy, the odds are against my helping a significant number of people in my lifetime, try as I might, so it all feels a little hopeless and pointless still. Death depresses me immensely, and rather than living my life more fully as a result, I just have ended up somewhat stagnant...blahed and mehed out.

Please note that I'm actually not depressed in other areas of my life, just this one. But it does...influence...the other areas, from a foundational perspective, so it definitely needs to be seen to. I think it's affecting more, too, as time goes by. I appreciate the concept of life, but I don't really feel compelled to do much with it now, without the notion of some sort of equilibrium in the universe (carried out by a creator, karma, whatever). I mean, I do what I need to and try my best, but I'm not striving toward things like I once was. Without a reason behind things, so much stuff in the world seems overwhelmingly random and unfair and out of my control. (I think this is one of the reasons there are so many moderate Christians, even. People keep some idea of God, just so they can pray about the things they can't control, to comfort themselves.) I can't even pray about any of it, though, and I think the concept of sending good thoughts toward it all is just as silly. I've tried giving myself rituals, but it just doesn't work. I always feel silly.

So, hivemind, I guess what I want to know, after all my heathen rambling, is how do I peacefully come to accept my lack of faith and not having a god in the world? How do I regain passion for life, despite feeling everything is off balance without a godly figure? I've tried listening and reading some things, like Julia Sweeney's personal story, and while helpful and something I could identify well with, it's never gotten me over the hump. I'd appreciate personal advice, recommendations of what to read/listen to/do...anything, really.

Throw-away email: atheistic.blues@gmail.com

Thanks, guys and gals.

There. You Did It. Are You Happy Now? (Career Satisfaction Question Inside)

webhund — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:48:07 -0800

I've been contemplating a huge career change for the better part of a year now and am almost ready to take the plunge into something completely different. But one of the nagging questions I'm still constantly asking myself is whether I'm doing this because I'm fed up with absence of personal satisfaction in my current job (divorce lawyer) or whether that feeling is something else that would, given enough time, just follow me on to the new career. So the question is: If, after long consideration, analysis, and thought about what your true passions in life are, you actually did make that leap from Career A to Career B, did your change to Career B bring you any of the fulfillment and "happiness" you thought it would after all?

For the purposes of this question, assume:

Career A: What you went to school for, trained for, fell into, spent years doing, or otherwise defaulted into, etc...

Career B: The career/job that, after long consideration, thinking, and maybe even therapy, you thought would be awesome because it would bring you personal satisfaction, related to one of your passions in life, and that you actually ended up doing (or at least something semi-directly related).

NOTE: I'm not asking about the job change where you couldn't decide between the NYC job and the one in Wasilla because you could have a dog in Wasilla but not real bagels. Not the one where you couldn't decide whether to go back to school at age 22 after a year in Europe. Not the one where you couldn't decide whether to change jobs to move from San Antonio to be with your partner in Gainesville. But the one where you spent lots of time thinking about and identifying your true "passions" in life (per many helpful previous AskMe's), how to change careers to be doing something related to that passion, and where you actually made that change a la Po Bronson, What Color is Your Parachute, The Artist's Way, etc. and all the other very helpful resources that answers to prior AskMe's point (and they're great, BTW).

So, after all that mental knashing and deliberation, did you find that happiness or life-satisfaction increased for you after changing to Career B? If so, why do you think it worked for you? If not, why not? What would you tell someone who's getting ready to make that leap?

Divorce, even if nothing is bad?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:24:39 -0800

I (male) have been married for a number of years (~10). Nothing is necessarily bad about our marriage, but I've felt that we've been lacking passion since before we were married. It just never seemed to matter enough to be worth a divorce.. except that it does matter in the end. I'll try to keep this reasonably short.

My wife and I have similar interests, went to school together (civil engineering), hang out together just great. We're very good friends.

At the beginning of our relationship, we started as friends, and she did not want to start dating as she didn't feel that way about me. I persisted (for whatever reason it is that you fixate on someone), and we eventually started dating. We went to movies, we played video games, we went to art shows, etc etc.. we have many of the same interests.

We never had a period of time at the beginning of some relationships where we had sex more than a few times a week. Over the years, it has only grown more infrequent (sometimes once or twice every couple months). I don't remember how much I was attracted physically to her before we dated, but she quickly gained weight in our relationship, and I haven't been attracted to her since. I like her as a person, but I never want to have sex just because she looks good. It's generally more my hormones or she pushes for it.

In terms of being attracted, I've tried tricking my mind in many ways, I've tried "just having sex", I've tried looking at porn first.. I just like skinny / fit girls. And I like my wife, and she's sensitive about her weight. She's asked before (in somewhat of a horrified tone of voice) if I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she was fat. I denied it and had sex.. every time she asks. I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt her to agree.

She's thought about losing weight sometimes, I invite her exercising, but she just doesn't have much motivation. We've argued about it a few times (me, trying not to be too pushy), and she says she just doesn't care enough, and it's too hard, etc etc.

My wife and I were almost divorced around 6 years ago due to a relationship she had with another male. I ended up with another woman for a few months, and we really hit it off physically. I was pleased to see that I was not lacking hormones and a sex drive. My wife and I ended up getting back together due to multiple "relationship fixing" books. I assumed at the time that we had just had problems communicating. (the issue at the time was us spending too much time online, not enough time with each other, etc)

Now I'm thinking that I should have recognized that there are other important things missing from the relationship, not so easily fixed with a book.

We've been planning on having kids for awhile (I just turned 32), and I'm concerned. Our relationship isn't horrible, but it isn't great. She has a job, I have a job, we have no kids. If we divorce now, we split assets. If we have kids, the entire situation becomes much more complicated.

I've decided at times to just stop thinking about divorce and continue on with life, but it pops up later when I find myself feeling dissatisfied. Part of the reason I'm posting now is that I feel much more satisfied about everything else in my life lately. I like my work, I like my friends, I like my fitness level, etc. I feel that I've been really improving myself over the last few years, and my marriage is lagging behind.

Questions / problems:

I'm not sure if I'm only not attracted to her due to her weight. If this is the only problem, then I should really tell her the truth it seems, and give her the choice to lose weight. But what if I tell her to lose weight, and she does, and I'm still not attracted? I also don't feel that forcing her to lose weight is a good relationship strategy.. first, it seems very rude. Secondly, what if she gains back the weight in 5 years?

Assuming it's not just her weight, what else leads you to feel passionately about someone? I "like" my wife a lot. I feel extremely empathic about her. I protect her. But some people drool over their spouses, say how wonderful they are. I'd really love to feel that if it's possible for me. But what if it's not? Do you feel that everyone has a chance for something better than a "good" marriage?

As long as I'm making this long post, I'd love to hear from people who either have a passionate marriage, or didn't and do now..

Tired of all the cliche's

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:13 -0800

Harry and I got married when I was 42. Ours was a rocky relationship at its worst and absolutely riveting at its best. Even today the passion we share and yes, even the fights we occasionally have are intense, but all the laughter, that is what kept us together. We are sharing our 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding day this December. We are writing vows and I wanted to know what are the little things in relationships that made you love someone the most? I feel like all the things I want to say are cliche I need inspiration. I don't want to disappoint him.

Should I literally follow my dream?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 06:50:37 -0800

I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend last night and I'm wondering if I should do anything about it. The relationship ended a couple of years ago because of his heavy workload - he didn't want to keep me waiting if he couldn't be around and I pretty much agreed that it was best we separate. I tend to think I missed him more than he missed me since his career went into overdrive soon after, traveling to America for work (we live in Australia) and he was out of the country not long after we split anyway.

He's back in town and I've seen him a few times since - just as friends, though. I would quickly fall back into bed with him and the relationship if I let myself.

He's not on my mind very often; rarely, in fact, unless he updates his Facebook status or his blog. And I certainly don't pine for this relationship.

But last night I had a very vivid and intimate dream, which tied into where I am at the moment and where he is. It's brought up a lot of old feelings in me, pinged that part of me that knows he's the one who got away - and reminded me of all the good times we had when we were together.

Past experience says that we could well slip into old patterns, but we're both single and I never lost those feelings for him - so should I follow this dream I had? Should I re-initiate contact on a more personal level?

Or was the dream just a memory of the past and not an indicator of what I should do next?

Metadreamfollower (at) gmail (dot) com if you want/need more information.

Music's on my mind.

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 13:01:16 -0800

I find myself increasingly unhappy about the fact that I'm not a music major... but what can I do with a music degree, really? I've thought on this since the beginning of High School, and ultimately decided pursuing a music degree wasn't a great idea. I'm currently in the sciences (freshman, undergrad), and while I do enjoy the material, being here and getting involved in music has made it clear to me that that's what I want to be doing.

I want job stability, I don't want to be working at McDonalds with a bachelor's degree, and teaching isn't for me. I should note that if I do decide to major in music, I'd do a double in the sciences because I'm still intensely interested in them. The only reason I'm not doing that now is that the career I'm thinking of requires me to double in something else, so if I do decide to pursue my musical passion I'd be shutting out that option.

I'm afraid that if I'm having second thoughts now, I'll end up having them the rest of my life. But I'm also afraid to pursue music, because what if I do end up working at Starbucks?

So I'm here to ask... what else is out there for someone w/ a music degree? Or, if you hold a music degree, do you regret it?

I love you, fresh egg

chalbe — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:34:01 -0800

What cooking secrets take your food to the almost-pro level? I love food; making it, reading about it, eating it. I already do a few basics, like shopping the NYC Union Square farmers' market, using fresh leafy herbs and garlic, squeezing lemon juice, cooking meat the right temperature, adding enough salt + pepper, grating Parmigiano-Reggiano, etc. Even so, my cooking still tastes a little flat and two-dimensional.

What practices or ingredients do you use to elevate your cooking? Spice mixes? Marinades? I prefer answers that skew towards the complex-but-tasty and avoid processed goods. Bonus points if you are a professional cook or culinary school student.

To get us started, here are some ideas I've been wanting to try:
- Making brown veal stock and remoullage, for braising and sauces
- Making yogurt from scratch milk + starter
- Making herbed butter and herb-infused oils

Grown-up love

Anonymous — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 10:09:16 -0800

Can cynical old me still find passionate love? Or should I readjust to some kind of grown-up relationship? I'm in my mid-30s and I've had quite a few relationships already. More than once, I thought I'd found The One, but after a few years, something hasn't worked and the relationship has ended. I find that with each relationship, I hold a bit more back, at least at first. I have less of the optimistic dreaminess as the years go on, and its hard to imagine ever re-experiencing the truly magical faith that I had with my first love. So, is there any hope for me? In your experienced opinion, is it OK to just accept a more mature form of falling in love, that is slower, more reserved, and more based on sensible choices? Or is it better to just wait and wait and hope to someday find someone who re-sparks a kind of youthful enthusiasm?

What do with my education?

happydude123 — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:53:15 -0800

I am a student doing my bachelors degree and I feel utterly confuzed about what I want to do with my education. I am currently doing an economics major, but have no real passion for economics. I am in a fairly liberal program so I can switch between science and arts streams quite easily. I have talked with advisors to no avail, they keep giving me the standard answers which are not helpful. I only have 2 years before I finish my degree. should I try out some science courses. I just feel I can't commit without knowing more.

Should I stay or should I go?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 09:03:51 -0800

Is it wrong to leave a mostly-ok 10-year relationship because you've found someone new that you're passionate about? I suppose this scenario is pretty clichéd. I'm in a 10-year (not married, no kids, but share a mortgage) relationship that's generally fine, but about which I've (mostly privately) had some doubts from time to time. A few years ago I met another woman who has become a very close friend. That friendship has reached a point where both of us recognize the need for it to become something more, or for it to completely end. I feel more connected and attracted to this friend than I have to anyone else, ever.

Some background about me: I'm quite shy, and have had only two real relationships. In fact, though I'm in my mid-30s, I've really barely dated at all. I've had lots of crushes/more-than-crushes, but none of them ever turned into a relationship, partially because I was too reserved to do anything about it.

A few points about my current relationship: As I said, we've been together for about 10 years; lived together for around seven. Five years ago we bought a house together. This relationship is, for the most part, fine; we generally get along well, and there haven't been a lot of ups and downs. We've made a comfortable life together and have been pretty happy. However, if I'm honest with myself, I have a hard time feeling passionate about it, and that feels wrong to me. My partner definitely wants to get married. I've never been comfortable with the idea of getting married, not wanting to just do something because it's expected or socially normal. Lately, though, I've begun to wonder if I'm really just not comfortable with the idea of getting married to her. Part of me feels that if getting married to my partner was the right thing for us, I'd know it in my gut, and that my lack of this feeling is something I should pay attention to. So far I've deferred any decision on marriage, but I've left the door open (to preserve the peace), and I won't be able to put it off forever. (I know, leaving the door open may have been lame, but I really wasn't sure either. I realize now that if I'd dealt with some of these issues properly earlier I wouldn't be in this pickle. Sigh.)

A few points about my friend/more-than-friend: Wow. I'm barely able to grasp how fantastic this situation is. For years we've spent significant (and increasing) amounts of time together during the week, sharing walks and lunches, talking all the time. She's amazing to me in so many ways: she's quirkily funny (matching my sense of humor almost exactly), she's adventurous, she's incredibly smart, she's absolutely beautiful. (There's that feeling in my gut... definitely getting it now...) I find that I'm more physically and emotionally attracted to this woman than I've ever been to any other person. Sparks fly whenever we're together. I've been sort of nursing a crush for probably a couple of years now, but even though we're sometimes flirty, I never knew if she was just being playful or if she felt something more. She's also in a relationship -- been dating a guy for a few years now.

What's happening now: my friend and I have become so close that barely a day goes by when we don't have some contact, be it in person, email, text, etc. We both (and especially she) realized that we couldn't really continue like this -- it was negatively impacting our other relationships. For the last month, we've been trying to figure out where to go. We've had some emotionally difficult but completely open and honest conversations in the last couple of weeks, and we've each learned that the other was feeling pretty much exactly the same way all along. We're mad about each other, and we both desperately want to be together. We're both just absolutely floored at the mutuality of these feelings, and by the opportunity we have to be in a relationship where both parties are truly passionate about the other. We can hardly contain our excitement about our good fortune.

So back to my original question. I, obviously, very much want to start taking the steps to make this new relationship happen. How can I do this while minimizing the collateral damage? I know that my current partner's going to be blindsided by this. I suspect she can detect that there's something going on in my head that's been making me a little distant from time to time, but this news will definitely hurt her. Nearly all of my friends are really "our" friends, and I imagine they'll all be pretty shocked and disappointed too. Is there any way to do this without being a complete jerk? While I realize that not dealing with issues in my current relationship for so long was definitely a mistake, wouldn't it be worse to continue that way?

Breaking up is definitely going to be a mess; I'm pretty terrified about how to handle the house and the mortgage. I know the emotional fallout's going to be intense, and I expect that I'll end up becoming estranged from lots of friends too. But, I can't bring myself to walk away from this amazing chance at the relationship that I've always dreamed about.

So, hive mind, how do I do this? Please give me advice on whether or not I'm doing the right thing, and how I should proceed.

I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately.

bettershredder — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:11:03 -0800

Where does passion reside? I am 24 years old, still young I know, have never been known to take risks, and over think almost everything, including this. I keep telling myself that something will come along, I wait, and question whether it really matters or not; am I wasting my time? Should I just relax, and be okay with the fact I get to breeze through life without the intense feelings of stress and obsession that come along with a passion for something?

It's a fact though, I have never been passionate about anything. Nothing. Ever. I'm sure many have experienced the same, but for some reason it really bothers me.

I've always been drawn to the idea of being so intoxicated with an activity, sport, work, art, or music that nothing else matters; no thoughts, nor doubts, or insecurities; just your passion. But the truth is I feel numb. The largest emotion I have is fear that someone will find out how emotionless I really am. Is this seemingly cold interior holding me back?

I don't believe in fate or destiny, I'm not spiritual or religious in anyway. I don't even like to subscribe to any particular philosophy really. If I had to label myself, it would be: fallibilist. I guess the truth is, I'm worried how I will spend the rest of my life if nothing grabs me or vice versa. I want to be happy in a job or profession that carries me to the end, I want to do something I love, but the word barely holds weight for me.

Most things that people would call achievements feel empty to me; I am a college graduate, I play music in a band, have designed webpages, have held successful jobs related to what I studied in school, have good friends, family, etc. While I am grateful for all of these accomplishments, and recognize how privileged I am, everything feels like it has always been some sort of weird expectation. I mean no one has forced me to do anything, but I can't really say that I have wanted anything that badly, and think I would still be fine if none of it happened; Though I suppose that is hard to imagine.

Maybe I feel this way because I have been so spoiled. I have always felt safe, have never experienced "tough times," or have never been really depressed. If I'm in between jobs I can always move back with mommy and daddy who live close in the same city. I almost want something terrible to happen, just to see if I can get through it.

Anyone have similar feelings, experiences, existential crises? What did you do to ease your mind? Or simply, what is your passion?

Apologies for the book, but to conclude, I offer a quote from the movie Adaptation (may have been taken from the Orchid Thief, not sure):
"I suppose I do have one unembarrassed passion. I want to know how it feels to care about something passionately."

Help?

Why am I incredibly passionate about learning things but dread actually putting them to use?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 10:45:59 -0800

Why am I passionate about learning things (mostly IT-related) but dread actually putting them to use? I love learning new technologies, programming languages, concepts, etc. I absolutely love proving the concept. I'm talking serious rush here, raging endorphins and all. I feel that with these newfound skills, I can rule the world, profit!, etc. Then I just get bored and find something new to study.

Instead of putting the new skills to use, I move on to the next thing. I take great pleasure in knowing I can do these various things, but when it's time to actually do them, I become disinterested. As soon as it turns into work, it's no fun any more.

A random example is that I get great pleasure out of installing and configuring various CMS systems and testing out their configurations. Yet, I still don't have a web page or a blog. Yet, I know how to do it and I'm ok with that, should the 'need' arise.

Is this laziness, or something else at work? I'm in the IT field. I'm considered quite good at what I do but am always looking to be doing something else. I also have a pretty comfortable and unexciting job. Should I be considering something else?

Can I have my creative cake and eat it too?

mynameisluka — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:33:08 -0800

Working writers: how do you carve out time for fiction? Here's a question for working writers. I've managed to turn my passion into a full-time life as a freelance writer. I do corporate stuff, copywriting and marketing pieces, journalism, and I'm thrilled to be working for myself at something I adore. My real passion, however, is fiction, and like so many others, my real aspiration is to complete and sell the novels that have been niggling at me for years.

Trouble is, at the end of the day it's really difficult to transition from non-fiction to fiction and from have-to-I-get-paid to want-to-so-I'm-disciplined work. I find myself using my sore wrists and zonked brain as an excuse...and I'm starting to get scared that I'll never achieve my dream of being a working novelist.

I'm wondering how other writers approach this dilemma. Is "suck it up" the only answer, or are there some tips/tidbits/tweaks I'm missing?

How did you find your passion?

entropic — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:01:32 -0800

How have you figured out what your passion(s) is/are in life, and how have you translated that into a successful career involving your passion(s)? I am intentionallly not including details about myself and my situation because I don't really want specific suggestions about what might be good career directions for myself or what interesting areas I might pursue. I'm looking more for concrete examples of what steps you've taken to find out what drives you, and how you were able to make a career out of that.

Fizzled Out on Passion

divabat — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 02:36:41 -0800

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly.

I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit.

After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing).

For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah".

I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas.

How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better?

(I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.)

How do I decide whether I should marry my boyfriend?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 May 2008 15:20:32 -0800

Do you have any suggestions or insight that could help me figure out whether I should marry my boyfriend? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (we're both 26.) In our day-to-day relationship we're very happy together, get along very well, and enjoy being a couple. The problem is that although we've been together for quite a while now, I don't feel myself getting any surer about whether I want to get married. He's known for a while now that he wants to marry me, and he's recently started to set some boundaries and let me know that as much as he loves me, he doesn't want to wait indefinitely, especially if I'm not at least moving closer to a decision. Clearly I owe it to him and to myself to be moving towards more clarity on this. But I don't know how to do it.

More details: I love him very much, and he is loving, supportive, and kind to me. We were close friends for years before we started dating. We have very compatible outlooks on life (attitudes towards money, children, religion, etc... almost all those things that show up in the lists of "things you should discuss before you get married.") We make a really good team. We have a lot of fun together. We do have mismatched sex drives (mine is very low), which is an occasional source of frustration, but we're generally able to respect eachothers' feelings/needs on that front.

My biggest concern is that neither now nor ever have I felt really head-over-heels, intensely in love with him, and I don't know how much that matters. There's no crazy butterflies and overwhelming passion, no powerful feeling that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, just a calm love and affection that's wonderful but doesn't match with what I always thought that you ought to feel to want to marry someone. That makes me worry that I don't love him deeply/strongly enough to marry him... but then I wonder if I've just bought into an idea about what love and marriage is "supposed to" be that isn't necessarily the only way.

Other background:
-- I am incredibly indecisive about most things in my life, tending to obsess about the pros and cons both before and after I make a choice.
-- My only other romantic relationship of note was a dizzingly intense "I could be content if I died tomorrow because I have now experienced this great love for you" at age 20, but in retrospect the love was not that deep or substantial, and afterwards I came to be really regretful and ashamed of how I put that relationship ahead of everything else in my life while "under the influence" of that intense emotion. Other than that relationship, I don't really have anything to compare this one to.
-- When we first started dating, his mother was dying, so my can't-stop-thinking about him phase was less "I wish we were spending time together now, I love him so much" and more "Oh goodness, he is hurting so much right now and I wish I could make it better." I often wonder whether the beginning of our relationship might have been more passionate if that hadn't been the case, and if so, whether that is relevant.

Anyway, I'm having a really hard time figuring this out. If this could really be a happy and satisfying mariage then it would be a terrible shame to throw it away based on unrealistic expectations about how I should feel. But on the other hand, I don't want to end up getting married but having growing doubts that undermine our relationship. (And if he deserves to have someone who feels "more"/differently, then I don't want him to miss out on that; and if "more" is actually really worth giving up what I have in order to try to find, I don't want to miss out on that myself.)

I think that if I continue feeling this unsure, then we shouldn't get married (which essentially means breaking up.) Thinking of getting married really scares me because I'm afraid it's the wrong choice. (Although for what it's worth, thinking of breaking up scares me because I'm afraid it's the wrong choice, too. And saddens me, of course.) But I really want to figure this out (as much as possible) rather than say "no" by default.

So I guess I have two questions for all of you:

1) Do you have any suggestions for ways I can think about this to help me get more internal clarity? Questions I can ask myself? (Even thought-provoking books-- nonfiction or fiction-- exploring love, marriage, and/or committment?)
2) Have you been in a similar situation? What decision did you make? How do you feel about that decision in retrospect?

Thanks, and you can reach me at doisayido@gmail.com.

Music Education 101

backseatpilot — Wed, 21 May 2008 10:02:58 -0800

I would like to be more passionate about music. I have many friends who have music as one of their top passions in life. I have a hard time understanding this viewpoint, and I'd like to change that. My friends will often gush about the latest CDs they've picked up and there's little more I can do than smile and nod. I'd really like to be able to, say, borrow the CD, have a listen, and have an actual conversation about the contents. So, how do I grow an appreciation for music?

The thing is, I listen to music all the time. I play an instrument and I sing. But I have time forming opinions on music other than "I like this" or "I don't like this". I never salivate over upcoming CD releases or tour dates. Music is, for the most part, simply... there.

I'm not looking for a focus on any particular genre, really - I usually listen to the local indie radio station, but I want to be able to open my ears to literally anything and not only make a like/dislike decision, but also be able to make some deeper informed opinions. Any ideas?

She loved me longer time than the others

Anonymous — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:48:54 -0800

I've only ever had excellent sex with ONE girl. The sex was amazing and totally mind blowing. I've slept with about 30 girls, why just this one? In the bedroom, I'm abnormally normal. My favorite position is the classic missionary position, I'm not particularly big on blowjobs and I have no interest in anal or anything else. I also do not use my tongue, and find the idea a bit off-turning. Yes, I'm abnormally classic.

Over the last 3-4 years, I've slept with about 30 girls. 3-4 of them where somewhat longer term girlfriends. The sex was always good, very enjoyable, like an episode of Friends.

But with the girl, doing exactly the same missionary position, nothing kinky at all, the sex was all like clutching at each other, passionate, moaning and so on.

I'd have thought that maybe this would happen if I fell in love or was somehow extra attracted to the girl, but actually, I was about as attracted to this girl as all the others. I'm not in love with her, she does not shower me with affection or anything particularly special.

It's all so normal - why was she the one with whom the sex was so good? Does this happen sometimes? Can you be sexually very compatible with someone and be emotionally neutral to them? Or am I secretly in love with her and I just don't realise it?

(I'm no longer with her, she lives far away now, and no chance of us ever getting back together. I don't really want that either, I just want to have the same type of sex with someone else.)

How does the music in the St. Matthew´s Passion by J.S. Bach relate to the lyrics and what effect do they have on each other (lyrics and music)?

freddymetz — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 08:06:41 -0800

How does the music in the St. Matthew´s Passion by J.S. Bach relate to the lyrics and what effect do they have on each other (lyrics and music)? Existing interpretations and own thoughts are welcome!

Also analyses of the arias in the Passion would be helpful.

Moneyed career for teaching sort?

shivohum — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 07:34:40 -0800

If you loved the activity of teaching -- both individual tutoring and lecturing -- and had a law degree from a prestigious law school, are there any jobs you could get (other than law professor) that would pay a lot of money and give a decent amount of free time? Suppose you weren't idealistic and didn't care what you taught or to whom...

Where can I buy passion fruit in San Francisco?

chrisalbon — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 23:59:27 -0800

Where can I buy passion fruit in San Francisco?

We're just a million little gods making rainstorms...

regicide is good for you — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 12:42:08 -0800

LostPassionAndCreativityFilter: How does one rekindle one's skill in the zany, lateral, eccentric, imaginative, radical, random, funny, artistic, and kind? Maybe this is one of those "quarter-life crises," but I find myself in a multidimensional rut when it comes to everything from having quirky ideas for writing and art projects, to making absurd jokes with chums on the fly, to engaging in random loveliness for the benefit of friends and lovers, to acting out freely in public, to having good instincts on how to fill free time creatively.

These used to come easily. I used to be known to many as a consistently funny, often impulsive, sometimes sloppy and dangerous but always interesting, and generally imaginative and inspiring person. As adulthood and the concomitant responsibilities have taken hold in earnest over the years, I find I'm just not that force of random loveliness in my life or the lives of those around me anymore.

What do you do to keep yourself open, to chance, impulse, yourself, and others?
What pushes you artistically?
What keeps you creative and light on your feet?
What is it that makes you inspiring to those in your life?
What allows you to keep your life a choose-your-own-adventure?
What weird little things do you do every day to stay awake, stay human?

Answer in whatever way moves you. Meditation techniques, books, specific pursuits or disciplines artistic or otherwise (ie., I used to be in theatre - maybe I need that again), explanations of vague perspectives you try to hold, obscene haikus, tales of weird acts you engage in, advice on places to visit, or just long rants on the beauty of life and all the small unnecessary ways in which we cheat ourselves of it.

I hope this all makes sense. Please run free with it.

Great career counselor for law-affiliated career?

Malad — Thu, 17 May 2007 23:36:45 -0800

Any recommendations for a really great career counselor, particularly one familiar with careers at least tangentially related to the law? I'm looking for someone who can really help me evaluate my strengths, personality, interests, and values and who has extensive familiarity with a wide variety of careers -- someone who can help me find my passion in life.

Wish I had the PDF right now

reeddavid — Mon, 14 May 2007 11:00:18 -0800

Where can I get a digital copy of "The Passion" by Jeanette Winterson right now? I'm in class and Amazon "Search inside this book" is failing me. I am willing to pay up to the cover price of the book if I can download/access it ASAP. Thanks for any suggestions!

How do I uncover the emotional me and start living life to the full?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:09 -0800

My partner and I recently had an all night heated discussion about my lack of ability to bring passion to the relationship. It started with my lack of 'animal' behaviour in the bedroom. Never instigating sex and never 'caught in the moment' style ripping off of clothes. It became not only this, but also a self admittance of a lack of passion in all aspects of my life. How do I uncover the emotionally mature side of me? I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of years and I really, really lover her. She's perfect. She's clever, sexy, witty, we make each other laugh, everything I could want. I really feel like this is 'the one' and I know she feels the same. We're both mid twenties and don't live together. In most aspects we couldn't be happier. This one thing though could become a problem and I want to sort it, not just for the relationship, but also for myself. I've never been an animal type guy, one to throw a lady down on the bed and just get caught in the moment so this isn't something that is suddenly an issue. I really am attracted to this girl but the thought of behaving in that way makes me feel slightly awkward and embarrassed. What if she said no or felt like I was forcing myself on her? The discussion we had also raised the fact that I'm never excited or angry or prepared to show any emotional charge in any aspect of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a robot but everyone around seems to be able to really get excited or really want something and I can't. It has a part to play in me always backing down from opportunities laid in front of and doing a job that pays OK instead of doing something that will really fulfill me and might pay great. Now it's affecting my relationship and I need to do something life changing.
What do I do to unlock an emotional side to me? Where do I turn to discover a side of me that wants, needs, is confident and is driven?
I've listened to a couple of Anthony Robbins style Cd's as I like the concept and how motivated I have seen others with this sort of 'teaching', but never really had the motivation to press through with them and really believe in it's or my own ability.
Thanks for reading and your help.