Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with partner

Supporting my girlfriend through medical transition

divabat — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 18:33:40 -0800

My girlfriend is about to start a series of medical-related procedures as part of her gender transition (M2F). What can I, as a cis(ish) woman, do to be a good support to her? I had met my girlfriend long after she was already living as a woman, so the question of "I knew him as a man and now he-she-what the hell is a woman argh!!" doesn't even apply. She's about to start hormones and get an orchiectomy fairly soon. It's been a long time coming and she's pretty excited about it all.

My main concern has to do with the medical effects - I personally get horribly affected by my own hormones, and also saw my mother deal with hormonal issues, and I'm not sure how the hormones she'll be taking will affect her physically and moodwise. There's also the matter of care before and after the surgery - I'm not sure what to expect, and my girlfriend is currently learning more about it too.

How can I be of support in helpful ways through the medical stuff? Are there likely to be significant shifts in mood, energy, sex drive that I need to be aware of? Anything I can do practically that can be of us (especially since we live together)?

My girlfriend and I have been pretty good at communication, but this is a whole new frontier for either of us so it's been difficult to anticipate potential needs. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I want to help and I really mean it!

HopperFan — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 17:17:28 -0800

Help me write a note to my neighbor, offering help if needed... The nice lady who lives two houses down has/had a deadbeat boyfriend, and tonight he was carted off by the police after screaming curses and banging on her door. (This was the latest incident of at least three that I can recall where he's acted completely foolish, and the cops were called at least one other time.) The neighbors (guys) across the street came over to divert him (calmly and effectively!), and I came over to give her my name and number in case she needed it later - I told her to call anytime, day or night.

She stood in the doorway, near tears, and said "I'm sorry. I'm so humiliated." I told her not to be, that we've all been in similar situations.

I'd like to leave her a brief note, reinforcing that I really mean that it's ok to call if she's scared and needs someone there quickly (say, if she's waiting for the police again), and something along the lines of "no humiliation, it's a reflection on your (former?) partner, not you."

I want to *not* make it an overly big deal and make her feel worse, though - I'd like ideas on what I might write in such a note, and also if it might be better to just not write it at all - was the number enough? If you were the recipient of such a note and in a bad relationship that is possibly not over, what would you want to read?

I should mention that her boyfriend doesn't seem particularly dangerous (just stupid and a drunk), and if I did go over there, I'd be going with the full knowledge/assistance of my own sweet and kind boyfriend.

my friend's son has asperger's and his behaviour is worrying her.

taff — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 05:17:56 -0800

Asking for a dear Australian friend, "Ariane" who feels she has nowhere else to turn. Any and all advice gratefully received. "My son Henry is 19 years old and has Aspergers. He has a little brother George who is 12 and a sister Lily who is 2 1/2. We all live at home with my partner (who is the biological father of Lily). "Henry although very capable at written tasks choosing not to speak most the time. He rarely engages in conversation with us or with anyone. There are definite anxiety issues around conversation or in fact asking for help however, he does talk to George and I hear them discussing things sometimes.

Henry is very capable in many ways, he can dress himself, feed himself, can catch public transport to and from his training centre. He has undertaken significant amounts of work experience and his job coaches think he is a well mannered and capable young man. We don't often see that side of him at home.

The main reason why I'm writing is that for many years Henry has had an attraction to younger kids. He has never acted inappropriately however he has a tendency to get too close, grabbing the child's face to kiss them (mostly cousins or siblings). He sometimes lingers too close when I am changing Lily or giving her a bath. This makes my partner very edgy and we have fought over the issue many times. My partner has said a few things that really upset me, things along the lines that he would never trust my son with Lily alone and not to leave them in the same room together for even a brief minute.

The other worrying issue is the fact that Henry has often tried the strangle his younger brother , very similar to the way Homer Simpson does with Bart in the series. Henry has been cautioned, warned and threatened with being kicked out of home for his actions and since the last episode we have often tried to keep the boys apart out of fear. George has also been asked to tell us if Henry acts physically appropriate toward him. Something that George says has not happened. But we do know that in the past George has lied for Henry out of loyalty and possibly fear. They now have separate bedrooms.

The other issue is that Henry has access to the Internet but the only thing that he seems to view are youtube videos of kids farting. He has always laughed at loud noises, either sneezes, coughs, burbs or farts. A very juvenile thing that he never quite grew out of. I acknowledge that his diagnosis makes him more sensitive to sounds but to search for something so specific ie little girls farting? I had a thought then that perhaps he feels this is not an issue because they are young and that it would be worse is he was searching for women farting. Not sure. We have tried to ban his access to the web or limit it to only being able to view the web when he is in the company of other family members. And not going into his room and viewing things on his phone. His phone is a whole other story. Argh.

Basically, I just want to know if anyone has had similar experiences or can explain the diagnosis with regard to him not understanding physical boundaries and how to help him. Also should I discourage him with the internet issues. "

Please be gentle with her, she's never been to this site before. The first she'll ever know of it is what she reads from you. I asked her to create a throwaway account and it is

lotsaquestionsinOz@gmail.com

Thanks lovely metafilter folk, I know you can help and support her.

How do I deal with my SO's depression?

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 15:33:34 -0800

My SO has depression, and he's about to start taking medication for it. Seeing him depressed makes me upset, and sometimes I show this in front of him, which makes him feel worse. How can I deal with this better, and how can I help him deal with this? I'll keep this short! My SO has depression, and he's about to start taking medication for it. Some days he is quite withdrawn, and seems like an 'empty' version of the person I see when we're out and having a good time together.

I find it quite easy to get upset by this – sometimes I'll cry in front of him, and this makes him feel bad because he can see he's upsetting me. I find this quite hard to control, but I'm getting progressively better at it. We go through a cycle of seeing him depressed, getting upset, which he then sees, and this causes him to hold back from telling me exactly how bad he's feeling. (NB: We don't live together, so a lot of our communication is textual – email, SMS – although we see each other regularly).

So I guess my questions are: how can I help him? How can I avoid fostering a culture where he feels like he can't tell me things because I might get upset?

Thanks in advance, MeFi!

Where do people compromise?

Ashlyth — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 01:38:27 -0800

Did you have expectations for a potential partner, then find someone, and they didn't fit them - and it worked out? It's a common response to people asking 'Are my expectations/wants from a future partner unreasonable' to say that yes, they are, and that they should lower their standards, or stop being picky. This is sometimes accompanied by a lot of other good advice - get to know people and give them a chance, don't start counting 'warning signs', date out of your usual circle, make sure they're realistic ideas, and consider what you yourself would fit.

I'm curious which preferences tend to be the ones that are 'settled' on, which just don't matter, and which tend to not change, in successful relationships.

You had a fair idea of what you wanted in a relationship/partner. You had some idea of dealbreakers, qualities they had to have, or criteria they had to fit. Then you found someone, and they didn't really match something that was a must-have or very-strong-want. And it worked anyway, and whatever they didn't fit didn't seem to matter any more.

What quality did your partner have or not have, that it turned out you didn't really mind?

Do you see it as settling, or a compromise, and how do you feel about it now?

Or is it just something you expected to care about and don't? Or something that in hindsight wasn't a big deal/unrealistic?

Or did your idea match reality?

(Particularly answers that aren't along the lines of arbitrary physical standards of attractiveness/physical features, and answers from successful relationships.)

There's something missing in my house.

Pericardium — Sat, 01 Dec 2012 01:00:54 -0800

My partner has temporarily moved out due to financial difficulty. Does the pain ever end? She had her car repossessed and they're auctioning it Monday. Today she came home, told me her Mom said she would lend her the $1100 but only under the condition that she move back in. She's gone now.

We're a homosexual couple and her Mom didn't approve, which is probably the main reason for that ultimatum. I'm trying to come up with the money to help but with the short time frame (she would need it before she goes to work tomorrow at 8am, nothing's going to be open in time) things are looking grim.

I don't know what to do. I feel as if this is the worst pain I've ever been in. Her things are still here and she's coming to pick them up later. I now have to find another place to stay because I can't stay in our home by myself - it hurts too much. It was the first place we chose together, signed the lease together. The first place that wasn't "well she's over so often and oh her toothbrush and clothes are here so we kinda live together."

But it hurts to even think of seeing her, going out on dates, things of that sort. It hurts that we won't wake up together anymore, we won't have dinner or lunch together, we won't stay up late at night watching TV, having pillow talk, making love anything. She'll have a set time she has to be home and I know from experiences that her Mom isn't going to want her staying here too frequently (we went through that before we moved in together) and I doubt she'll defy that because her Mom is helping her.

I don't know how to deal. I've never felt like this before. The thought of seeing her again, hugging her, anything just hurts too much. I'm hurt that she didn't want to stay and try to work out sharing a vehicle. I feel like she broke up our family unit, something we were building together. I told her I could take care of the rent, bills, groceries and what-not until she got back on her feet, but she doesn't want me to do that and that won't help her get her car back in time anyway.

I just need to know how to cope. Some nights I can't fall asleep without her. Our schedules are so different and we usually only had time together between school and work. I'd wait up for her and we'd cuddle and talk and fall asleep together. Now she's so far away that most of that time will be gone. Also, I'm alone... in our home together... with all of her things. And I'll either be here when she picks them up or I'll come home one day and it'll all be gone. She tells me she wants to move back in together when she gets on her feet financially... but knowing her finances, I don't know when or if that will happen. She'll be done with school this month, but she owes them money. So she has to pay her Mom off, then that off... then what if she decides she doesn't want to move back in together until after she finishes law school? She said it would be under a year but I feel like this is the end for us. I'm afraid that I'll wait... and wait... and wait... and wait...

Part of me is furious with her for letting her payments get that far behind and not taking action before something like this happened. Part of me is furious with myself for not saying sooner, "Hey, let me help you out with this month's payment." I knew she was behind, I just never thought anything like this would happen. She'd have needed $300 or so dollars to catch up. I wish I could go back in time and offer it to her. I feel like I was selfish - I lent her money for her car payments before via credit card and it was like yanking teeth just to get her to make a payment on that every month. So when she told me she was behind I didn't speak up, and now I feel like, she was my partner. I should have helped her anyway. I should have thought of us the way I wanted her to tonight - as a partnership who goes through tough times together. I should have offered to pay her share of the bills for a month or two so she could focus on her car, and told her not to worry about paying me back. Anything.

I'm sorry for the rambling. It's hard to describe the pain I'm in right now. It feels different from a break up because there's no closure. She still wants to be together, but I don't even know if I can handle that. I told her on the phone I didn't think I could handle it and we were done. She asked me to wait and see how I feel once I've given the pain time and I've agreed.

But still, how do I go to sleep at night without her? How do I wake up in the morning with her not there next to me? How do I look in the dresser and see only my stuff? How do I pick out a Christmas tree, alone? How do I forgive her? I realize that in her scenario she probably felt like she had no other option. She needs her car to get to work and school, and sharing would help but we don't know if that would work long term. She told me it broke her heart too and that she wanted to marry me someday and to please understand. She actually said the words, "please be my wife [someday?]" and I said... nothing. But moved out so suddenly... She came home, I thought everything was fine. She told me. Then an hour later she was gone for good. I cried hysterically the whole time. I feel hysterical. I feel alone. I'm lucky that I have the weekend off because I don't know if I would have it in me to go to work tomorrow.

I feel it would actually be -less- painful if she had moved back due to relationship problems. People separate all the time, there's support groups for that, I'm sure I could buy a book. That would make sense to me. This doesn't. How do I help myself heal? Thank you, if you've gotten this far.

I just want to talk to you

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Nov 2012 12:21:03 -0800

How do you learn to communicate with your partner when your communication styles don't match? I'm having a lot of trouble just having a simple conversation with my romantic partner. Talking in online chat exacerbates the problem, but it's there in person too. It came up today because I'm traveling in a new city right now and my partner is at home, so we chat online to catch up. Here's a sample conversation:

Me: "I went to see such-and-such place today."
Partner: "What a place!"
Me: "Maybe tomorrow I'll see such-and-such other places."
Partner: "See all the places!"
Me: "You know, this city is all right, but I was kind of hoping for something more exciting."
Partner: (silence)

This kind of conversation, where I try to start a topic and my partner just repeats my words back to me in nonsense form, feels really alienating and distancing to me, like my partner doesn't care in the slightest about my experience in this new city. So I talked to them about it, and here's my best recount of what's going on.

From my perspective, I am giving an opening line and trying to gauge my partner's interest in the topic (and if they show interest I'll continue, and if they don't I'll stop). From their perspective, they feel like they're being prompted for an obvious and trivial response, almost like a robot. This feels manipulative to them, so they give a minimal response or say nothing at all. They suggested that I should "just say everything that I want to say" all in one go and then they can comment on that. They said they *are* interested in hearing what I have to say, but they don't want to be a conversation robot, because that "feels shitty."

But for me, "just saying everything" feels rude and even impossible. I would feel strange and awkward just pouring forth an entire narrative about my day, without any response to indicate interest or at least presence. And sometimes, I don't even know what I want to say yet -- having some questions would help me process my experience and come up with something coherent, rather than a jumble of half-formed thoughts.

I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. I can't just do what my partner suggested because it feels so wrong, I can't go on the way it is now, and I don't know of any alternatives. I've read one of Deborah Tannen's books on conversations, and while enlightening, it didn't really offer any solutions. My partner and I have also been to couples counseling together, but it didn't really touch on this. And while a temporary solution might be to just not chat online and leave it all for when I come back home, the same thing happens in person (although to a smaller degree -- at least there is eye contact and maybe an "uh-huh" or two, which helps, but they still won't ask questions or provide any of their own perspective unless asked directly).

How can I have a conversation with my partner and *feel* like they're actually interested in hearing about my experiences?

When is love actual LOVE?

f3l1x — Tue, 06 Nov 2012 06:48:25 -0800

When does "I love you" mean something? And is there a way to say "OMGZ I'M HAVING SUPERSTRONG LIMERENT FEELINGS TOWARDS YOU" without sounding quite that weird? So I've got a new honey, and despite the fact that I desperately want to, and have wanted to on several occasions, I'm aware that saying "I love you" smacks of desperation, at best, and at worst, of a potential crack habit. We've been dating a fortnight. My own answer to myself would be "Honeypie, you don't even KNOW me". But it got me to thinking.. When does 'I love you' mean 'I love you' and not 'I'm scared I'll die alone', 'You make me so horny' or 'I just want to mush my face into yours until our two faces are one face'?

Is it a time thing, or is it a 'certain number of important milestones clocked' thing? When does it mean something? When can you reasonably KNOW? And also, any suggestions on how I can express my superstrong feelings, and yet not terrify this boy with my crazy lady love-talk would be just plain aces.

Sexual awakening: From vanilla to firecracker?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 14:51:14 -0800

Personal experiences where your partner was initially not very sexually adventurous, but now is? I have an awesome, awesome girlfriend -- one that I want to marry one day. There's only one thing I'm a bit concerned about. I tend to be (in the past) a sexually adventurous person, and very open with my sexuality, but she's not. We're both in our early 30s.

We have great sex and she's amazing in bed (no complaints about her techniques here at all). Probably nothing that most people would have issue with. But I like anal play (toys and anal sex) and she has indicated more than once that it's off limits and something she doesn't like. I do understand that some people genuinely don't like that zone, but she's never even tried it (not with previous partners or me), so she can't really know.

Additionally, I have also been in threesomes or foursomes (with close friends) a handful of times and really enjoyed it. She never has. I would love to experience that again, especially with some of our close friends that I think (but am not certain) would be open to it. I also have explored polyamory in the past (in theory, not practice) and that is also something that interests me.

I can tell that she, however, is not interested in these options at all, primarily due to reasons of jealousy (she thinks I'll become attracted to someone else and leave her -- which if you know us, is a foolish thought). Plus, two of our friends have tried the whole open relationship thing and it ended up not working (again, jealousy), so that experience seems to have even further entrenched her views.

It's not a dealbreaker if she's not into threesomes or open relationships etc, but I have heard (anecdotally) that these possibilities can mature over time (e.g. seeing on OK Cupid where people write "We've been together for 5 years and decided to try the open relationship thing and it's been fun"). In general, it rubs me the wrong way when people are against something without even trying it first. Like when people say they'd hate skydiving, but know nothing about it.

I think her reluctance at anal play, threesomes, or open relationships comes from a fear that she won't like it, jealousy that I will be more attracted to someone else, and an inability to relax and enjoy it if she did say yes.

(And no, I haven't actually sat down and directly said "Honey, I think it'd be fun if we had a foursome with some of our friends" because I am certain she'd be weirded out, would worry about it for weeks, and wouldn't do it anyway.)

Has this happened to you? Was your partner initially (say, first few years) not into sharing you sexually with other people and then changed their mind? What insight can you provide?

If it matters: We live in Northern CA (north of SF) and don't want kids (I can't make anyone pregnant, and she can't get pregnant). We hang mainly with people who are hippy-ish and progressive, have gardens, shop at farmer's markets, homebrew beer, ride bikes, go camping, and that sort of stuff.

Living with a food addict

Jane the Brown — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 10:44:43 -0800

I'm looking for tips and coping strategies and insight for living with a food addict. My domestic partner is now a diabetic and gets pancreatitis because of his overeating. I want ideas for how to lessen the impact on the household and to avoid obsessing about the situation. I have joined OAANON on listserv but it is inactive.

For years his paycheck has been deposited to my account and he gets a small fixed sum of spending money. I buy all the groceries. However he will borrow money to buy fast food, including running up nearly $30,000 in debt over a three year period when he got a company credit card.

I do one big grocery run by car once a week and pick up extras like fresh veggies as needed during the week.
My domestic partner only eats what he likes being hugely picky, but then he usually eats all of it. If there isn't anything he likes a lot he either skips eating until he is sick, or just eat the part he likes, such as eating spaghetti sauce without the pasta. If I buy a roast or a chicken he eats as much of it as he can, then waits twenty minutes for it to settle and finishes off the last of it. Every Christmas he would eat the entire turkey within a day and half and then end up in Emerg. On most days he reads during meals, then after dinner settles down to read and eat until the evening is over. He reads at meals because his doctor told him to stop eating while he reads in the evening, so in order to hang on to his comfort time he decided he would read during his meals and not during the evening but within a week it turned into him getting frustrated unless he could read and eat during both.

Recently he took half a pound of garlic margarine, melted it and poured it over popcorn and ate it in one sitting which resulted in another bout of pancreatitis. In a self motivated effort to improve his health he has stopped eating a large bag of potato chips every night and instead is baking three or four potatoes until they are crunchy and drenching them in margarine; he has little insight into what he is doing and I am trying to find a happy medium between supplying him with fuel for his addiction, and keeping groceries in the house. Looks like I have to stop buying margarine now...

We have two teenaged/adult children. One is probably also food addicted but to sugar. The other has just managed to get his weight up to a healthy level but has trouble eating at all when he is anxious. I feel like his being underweight is related to my domestic partner competing to eat all the food first.

My partner does not believe it when I request he leave food for others of us -either he forgets, or thinks it was left for him, or figures there was only one serving anyway, but as far as I can tell that is just rationalization because there is no thought process through see food:want:eat. If I say anything that distresses him he closes down and avoids me. Frequently if there is something he likes to eat in the house he eats it steadily until it is gone. If there is nothing easy to eat in the house that he likes he doesn't eat until his blood sugar crashes, and then frequently cooks an enormous three pot meal, and then goes to lie down to deal with the blood sugar crash leaving the kitchen in a mess. This happens about four times a week.

I am having trouble with the logistics.

I've tried hiding pantry staples in my room, buying so much he can't eat it all, buying only a small amount and doing without when it's gone, finding things he won't eat and trying to live on those and other strategies. When and if I can find counseling or OA-anon I want to try that but I have not found anything in our area.

I have a history as a co-dependant, having grown up with an anorexic, alcoholic, borderline mother. My domestic partner and I work at the same place and when my partner calls in sick I often can go in to cover his shift for him but the overtime often triggers a migraine so I end up barely functioning for about four days. Another problem is when he goes in to work without eating and I arrive at work to discover he is about to crash and have to request permission to take my fifteen minute break just at the beginning of my shift to dash out and get him something to eat so he doesn't have to go home. At least I can get him something relatively healthy like a sandwich as opposed to a jumbo bag of jellybeans. I know this is enabling behaviour but we need his paycheck. We are spending more than we bring in for basic living expenses. Money is an issue. We spend more than we can afford to on food.

A few things have helped: One mental trick when faced with a demolished kitchen is to remind myself that I am committed to him enough to contribute fifteen minutes a day without complaint, and that usually is enough time to get enough of the kitchen cleaned so the next person can use it. What I am asking is for tricks and insight like this to help me back off and yet get some control over some part of it.

Hopefully this is not too much rant/complaint and will give you the parameters of what I am working with. Any ideas or suggestions would be welcome.

How do I sleep sleep with my partner?

J. Wilson — Fri, 17 Aug 2012 14:28:47 -0800

How do I sleep (as in, catch some z's) with my girlfriend? So, when my (wonderful) girlfriend and I spend the night at either of our places, I have trouble sleeping. It's harder to fall asleep and it's harder to stay asleep. Any tips?

I'm not sure what information is relevant, but I've spent most of life -- and most of my adult life -- single. I've always had trouble falling asleep (not every night, but frequently), but it seems to be harder with company. This has been the case with others in the past, too. Current girlfriend is more into cuddling than others have been, if that matters. We usually have sex and we usually have a couple drinks, but not always on either of those things.

Is this something I'm just going to get over when I get used to us sleeping together? Do you have any hacks? Is there anything I should be considering?

How to support the abused

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 13:50:47 -0800

I've started to date again after the end of an eight year relationship. The good news is I've met an amazing woman and we're starting to develop a more serious relationship. The part I (male) need help with is that it turns out she was physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused in several previous relationships over the course of about 15 years. How do I support her as a new relationship partner? Can you recommend any good resources for me to read? We're both in counseling separately, so the usual Metafilter advice doesn't answer the question. I'm hoping for specific things we can do to help her be more comfortable that also nurture a growing relationship. For example, I've thought of instituting a non-sexual safe word so that if we're cuddling on the couch watching a movie and she starts to freak out she can let me know so I can give her the space she needs to self sooth. More context: we're in Maryland, both in our mid to late thirties, both financially independent, and she has a great two year old daughter whose father is mostly absent and dysfunctional.

It's like he's trying to be on Jersey Shore. But not really.

floweredfish — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 18:50:24 -0800

First installment of significant time apart due to work travel. How do I deal with this? Us: In our 30s (him almost 40!), neither past married, not living together (yet) but have a short-term plan, both professionals with high-power jobs and busy lives. His job does not require much travel while mine is essentially hell on wings. We are both people who need to spend lots of time together and have lots of contact with one another.

I've been dating my awesome boyfriend for just over 8 months. We are very serious and I know he's going to propose in the next 6 months (per him telling me). I am totally head over heels, ass over tea-kettle for him. Sometimes I wonder if I feel more strongly than he does, but that's neither here nor there as he is a tough one to read, but I take whatever he says at face value so everything is great. We see each other every day, fall asleep in the same place every night, go running together most mornings and email each other during the day and text. We are basically puking kittens and a committmentophobe's worst nightmare. This works for us however, because we were friends first and continue to be besties despite the crazy-ass romantic side of the relationship.

The situation: My job is insanity, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am extremely prone to last minute travel, very spontaneous even (as in - *boss phone rings at 4pm*: "Hey, can you go to State that is a 3 hour plane ride away for a 2 hour meeting tomorrow and then come home, same day so you can be at 9am meeting in your office Next Day for XYZ Important Meeting?") yes, it's absolutely ridiculous, but I am OK with this because it's only what I know and I can handle it and it's fun. Next week for example, I will be in 6 states in 5 days and will be sleeping in my own bed every night. I will be spending the entire months of September/October in Europe in different countries.

Anyway, BF does not typically travel for work. At all. However, since we've been dating, for whatever reason, I've been having a heinous dry spell of travel, which means that I've actually been home and can fall into what people consider a "normal" routine. This is fine with me, I am such a road warrior that being home feels nice. It's almost like when I am on the road I have my ROUTINE and then when I'm home, I don't know what to do with myself.

The Issue!: The issue is this. I've been home for 8ish months and have been able to establish this awesome relationship with someone I'm crazy about and who claims to be crazy about me. Well, right now he's currently on another continent for 2 weeks for work and it's absolutely killing me. It's been two days and I'm going through some serious withdrawal. He's called me every day so far, but it's been so difficult talking to him on the phone (I HAAAAAATE THE PHONE) and the lack of contact feels like a hangover. It feels like a breakup, but without the break? Ughs.

Ok, so here are my questions!

1.) What can I do to pass the time/stop thinking about all of this?! I have plans with friends, am busy with my own job, have a list of stuff to do if friends cannot hang out, am exercising...what else? I'm trying to be busy.

2.) I trust him. I really do, although I know I have trust issues. However, I'm worried because with the amount that I travel I've seen countless times how people who don't travel often for work just go balls to the wall and think they can get away with murder. I've been hit on by married men at hotel restaurants while I have been busy reading my newspaper. How do I tell myself to knock it off?

3.) More into number 2 - he's there with downtime on weekends and has concert tickets to two different shows. He's already called me while semi-drunk after dinner. This is not helping. I was thinking about sending an email with all of this just to get it off my chest - is that a dumb idea?

4.) The situation sucks. He's off (working obviously) but in his downtime/in the evenings, etc. is seemingly having the time of his life while I'm at home. I'm catsitting for him, watching his house for him, getting his mail - doing everything a loving partner would do for someone they love while he's off gallavanting. No Thank Yous. No What Can I Dos. Just OMGS I DID XYZ COOLEST THING EVAR AFTER WORK TONIGHT AND I HAVE TO GO EVEN THOUGH I JUST CALLED YOU 3 MINUTES AGO BECAUSE I NEED TO RUN OFF TO THE NEXT COOLEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!

5.) Our Love Languages are very different, despite the copious amounts of quality time that we spend (and love spending!) together. His number one flaw to me is that he epically sucks at showing any sense of gratitude. I was raised to thank everyone for everything - even if I bump into a stranger in the grocery I'll apologize then immediately thank them. I don't feel very appreciated right now. He recently forgot my birthday which sucked and I fully expressed that. I want him to know that I'm doing all this shit for him while he's away because I love him. I would really like just a "thank you". That's it. If I go the email route, how do I say this nicely?

Seriously, WTF.

What do I do? I'm trying so hard to figure out my stance and feelings on this and it hasn't registered. Maybe I'm jealous? Maybe I need to learn better tolerance? Maybe I need to let things go? When I travel, I literally get up, go for a run, go to work, leave work, go directly to dinner, go directly to hotel, shower, then book/bed. That is my routine and it's probably this way because I no longer see the glamour in business travel. I feel like he's on spring break or something right now. :/

What else?

I'll always love you, but I'm worried about the mortgage.

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Jun 2012 05:57:29 -0800

Is my depressed partner about to get fired? Can I help him improve work habits or fix the depression so as not be fired? And how can I cope with my worries about this (and consequently, our financial future) -and in particular, bring them up to him- without blaming him for his job uncertainty, implying that he's bad at his job, or increasing his depression? Last year, my partner was fired from his job. I'm not exactly sure why, though I'm pretty sure it was performance-based. He'd been having to play catchup on a lot of projects, working overtime in order to get them done, and was choosing not to stay as late as he ordinarily would have. He was also often late or sleep-deprived when he got into work, for a variety of factors.

Fortunately, he was able to get a job again fairly shortly (he works in a very intellectually-demanding and much-in-demand field.) Things seemed to be going well for a few months, and he was very happy - but then the projects started piling up again, and work stress started to build. Multiple times, he's been unable to complete his work by his deadlines or has messed up on the work (usually probably from sleep deprivation.) He's also started to be less fussy about his professional appearance, and is more frequently late to work because of oversleeping, or not wanting to get up when the buzzer goes off. When he's made mistakes on the work, they've been pretty big careless ones, and the client has been unhappy, and the firm has looked bad. He also spends a lot of time on the internet, screwing around, or texting me, even when he's got major work he should be working on.

This is reminding me of what happened last time, and making me fairly worried. (Slightly similar to this AskMe, except that I'm not the person with the job, and things are actually going badly at work.)

He's not the sole source of income for our household - I make fairly good money - but we are not particularly frugal, and don't have a lot of savings to cushion the blow if he did in fact get fired. In addition, I've been spending a lot of money (both personal and household money) on ways for him not to be depressed - experiences, trips, etc. We've also been planning for some larger things - such as a bigger house - based on the expectation of our continued shared combined income.

(I know the MeFi answer is going to be: find him a therapist! But sadly, he is reluctant to get counseling, because he says it would take away from during-the-week work time and only compound the problem.)

Fears
1. I am afraid that he's going to get fired for a second time, and then I will be the only one supporting our family. I could do it for a while, but I guess what I'm /really/ afraid of is that this is a pattern, and it will keep continuing, and I'll never be able to feel secure in family life decisions based on a budget where his income is counted.

2. I'm afraid that he has an exaggerated belief in his own work competence, that he may actually not really be very good at his job, or maybe doesn't have very good work habits, or maybe simply isn't able to cope with depression and employment. From my managerial experience, combined with what he's told me about his behavior at work, I feel like he is probably a less-than ideal employee. So it's hard for me when he tells me that if he gets fired, he'll just snap up another job again and we'll be fine. Also, when we last discussed my fears, he got very insulted at the idea that he might not be very good at his job.

3. I also worry that he won't be able to ever hold a decent job, and I have some (partially gender-based) concerns around that, and how it will impact our relationship, and my ability to respect him as a co-provider.

Questions:
1) How do I know how likely it is that he will be fired? I've never been fired from a job, so I don't know what the bluster-and-yelling-to-actual-termination scale is.

2) How do I talk to him about this? When we talk about it, everything I say seems to come out wrong. We are usually very, very good communicators around emotional stuff, but somehow when it comes to finances and jobs and money, it all tanks.

3) What can I actually do? I tried suggesting a time we'd both go to sleep so he wouldn't be so tired at work, but he doesn't really hold to it. I'm already the one who keeps track of the alarm going off. I don't know what I can do, or even if it's my responsibility to do it.

How do I stick to my guns and break up?

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 07:36:15 -0800

I've determined that I need to get out of my current live-in romantic relationship. How do I stick to my guns and break up? I've determined that I need to get out of my current live-in romantic relationship of 3 years.

I tried to end things several months ago, but caved in upon promises of change, which have subsequently not materialized.

This time, I am tempted to actually move out while he is out of town next week. I feel guilty about this because it seems so abrupt
and I know he will be shocked; even though it shouldn't come as a complete surprise that I am breaking up with him, I think the method would. But I fear that if I don't make that huge commitment of actually finding a new place and moving my stuff out, I may backslide again and continue on in this relationship that is not working. I have started looking for places and have been approved for one, but haven't signed the lease yet.

I still care about him, in fact I genuinely consider him my best friend, and it is excruciating contemplating doing something that will hurt him. I'm also terrified of being on my own again, already feeling how lonely it will be. I have no friends in this geographic area, which makes that feeling worse. Yes, I plan to take steps to make them, but the point is NOW I do not have anyone supportive other than long-distance friends and family, which makes the prospect of breaking up with my SO even worse, and is one reason I fear backsliding from this decision. For a variety of reasons I don't want to get into, it is harder to make friends while attached to my SO.

We have no kids, no pets, separate finances, and a month-to-month lease. Neither of us could afford our apartment on our own, and he especially is in a bad financial place and may have difficulty even affording another apartment in this area at all. This adds to my guilt.

This is a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation, which is one reason it has been so difficult to come to a firm decision and why it is easy for me to backslide. Some things are good, but the things which are bad are things I am really not ok with; I've been tolerating the intolerable, and have been very unhappy for many months. I think we are essentially incompatible. We fight frequently and both the reasons for the fights and the fights themselves have chipped away at my trust in him and my enthusiasm for this relationship. He is not happy either but I am fairly certain he won't want to break up.

I've thought of offering the option of "trial separation" both to make things easier for him to accept and to appease my inner unreasonable hopeful voice, but I don't think that's really the right way to do it. I have to find a way to bite the bullet.

So my questions are: How mean or unethical is it to move out while a partner is away without telling them until after the fact?

And secondly: How can I be sure I won't backslide this time and continue our relationship in some manner? What are ways of approaching this, emotionally and/or practically, that will make it "stick" this time?

Thoughts from people who have overcome their own waffly tendencies and made the change they know they needed to make?

Thoughts from people who LEFT a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" relationship?

Thank you!!

How to support my partner in a time of fear?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:37:29 -0800

[family support question] my partner's mom is sick. multiple autoimmune conditions, potentially cancer now. how can i best support my partner (on multiple levels)? my partner's mom has multiple things going on. at least 3 autoimmune disorders and now potentially cancer or another serious condition. my sweetie has chronic fatigue syndrome (thankfully in remission currently) but all of this has made her afraid:

(a) just for her mom's health;
(b) afraid of what may be coming down the line for her as she ages;
(c) afraid of having kids genetically related to her - she does not want to "give them" (her words) all of these potential conditions; and
(d) afraid that she'll be a mom who is sick with her kids and a partner who is sick with me.

i want to be as supportive as possible right now. i am validating that it is scary for her mom to be sick and that it is must feel scary that she is afraid that she may potentially get any one of these conditions as she ages (those are her fears). i am validating that i am by her side and ready to take on what life brings us as a team and individuals. i am totally at a loss for words when it comes to our potential kids. (we cannot have kids with our combined genes because we have similar body parts - she has always wanted to be pregnant and have a child with me through that process). i don't know what to say about it. my instinct is to talk science, facts about genetic conditions, etc. but i do not think that is helpful right now. i am not trying to "make it better" because i may not be able to.

she is not a person soothed by facts generally - at least not at first. i am a person who loves reading and knowing as much as possible - even if it is a false sense of security or "control" that comes from it.

clear questions: suggestions/recommendations/stories about how best to support my sweetie? what to say? do? book or resource recommendations for me to take care of myself and my love?

thanks so much.

How do you not mess relationships up?

litleozy — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 03:58:40 -0800

How do you not mess relationships up? You meet someone. A new friend, work colleague, lover, whatever. You get along very well, there's a good connection and chemistry. What do you do to ensure that that relationship stays fresh and well?

I have a bad habit of not taking enough care of the relationships I make with other people. What are your hacks to keep a good thing good?

DISCLAIMER: Of course, this depends on the relationship and the person, so yes there is no one size fits all, but there are some things that are generally true when dealing with people. And yes, there is a big difference between caring for a friendship and caring for a loving relationship.

support to quit smoking

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 15:04:44 -0800

How can my SO help while I quit smoking? Short of nagging or policing me (which are not happening and are not part of the agenda) what can my boyfriend do to help me while I quit smoking?

There are tons of questions on mefi by people asking how they can help their SO quit smoking whether they like it or not or how they can quit themselves.
I am interested in what my boyfriend can do to help me while/after I quit smoking.
He has not been nagging me or trying to make me quit because I told him it's pointless.
But he knows that I do want to quit and has if there is anything he can do to help.
I've quit lots of times (at times for a year or two years) so I know that it's both the easiest and most difficult thing I have to do.
I've told my boyfriend that I don't want him to be my guardian and police me and he agrees that it's a bad idea.
But we both want me to be healthy.
I've got a quit date in December to coincide with when the boyfriend is away for two weeks so he won't actually be there for the first days after I've quit.
I'm not looking for advice on how to quit smoking.
I want to hear from the collective about what you did to help your SO quit/avoid a relapse or vice versa.
Things like, going for a jog together to work those lungs or just telling you you're amazing for quitting. Anything that worked for you.
Thank you!

How can I sleep with my partner without the aching?

goalie_dave — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 08:51:47 -0800

Why do I experience joint pain and insomnia when I share a bed with my girlfriend and sleep perfectly when I have the bed to myself? How can we sleep peacefully together again? When sleeping in the same bed with my girlfriend, I am often awakened by pain in my toes, ankles, knees and fingers. My initial solution is to stretch out and pop my aching joints, both of which really bug my girlfriend. I've been with her for about 8 months and when we first started sleeping over with each other I did not experience this. However, with my previous long-term relationships I've also experienced waking up with joint pain in the middle of the night when sharing a bed with said partners. As soon as one of us moves to another room to sleep, I almost immediately fall to sleep and am no longer bothered by the previous pain.

My girlfriend and I wish to return to sleeping together peacefully. She tells me it's some psychological or phantom pain and that I just need to ignore it and go back to sleep. The trouble is that I can't ignore it because the pain is so irritating. Stretching and popping my joints only works for a few minutes, then I'm back to tossing & turning or trying to fall asleep in strange positions. I agree that it's probably psychological, since it only happens when I sleep with someone in my bed, but I can't find anything about this, aside from people saying to just sleep in different beds. Any ideas?

What are my roles and responsibilities as the 'tenant' of a 'landlord' who is also my partner?

UltraFleece — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 03:31:20 -0800

My girlfriend wants to buy a house for us to live in – what are my roles and responsibilities as the 'tenant' of a 'landlord' who is also my partner? My girlfriend and I are both in our late 20s, we’ve been together for two years and we’ve been renting a flat together for nine months. We earn the same amount but she has ~5 times more than me in savings because she has an interest in finance etc., while I took a bit longer to ‘grow up’ and be financially responsible. I am responsible now and have savings and a steady (beginning of a) career, but I’m by no means wealthy. I’m quite happy renting for the time being as I can’t afford to buy a house, and am not at that point in my life where I want to buy.

My girlfriend has been doing her research and wants to buy (mortgage) a house in the next twelve months or so, and has asked me to live with her in that house. She has asked my opinion about locations, what facilities I would like, etc., but we are both very clear that this would be her purchase, her decision, her house. (We’re aware that there may be some legal issues around being a de facto couple and her having a mortgage, etc. but she is still at the early stages and we’ll address these when we get there.)

My questions are about my financial (and ethical) responsibilities as a ‘renter’ in my partner’s home – she is effectively the landlord. Should my monthly rent be half of her monthly mortgage payment? Or whatever the typical rent is for a property of that type when owned by a landlord, whether that’s higher or lower than the mortgage? My current landlord is responsible for organizing maintenance and paying maintenance costs, for paying council rates, ensuring that boundary fences are maintained, responsible for the garden and for mowing and maintaining the nature strip, among other typical landlord responsibilities. How do I navigate these issues and responsibilities when my de facto partner is the landlord?

If anyone has suggestions on how to approach this topic, advise on what’s standard procedure or experience with this situation I’d be very keen to read.

We live in Australia, if that helps. Thank you!

How can I support my spouse in their job search

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 09:09:07 -0800

How can I best support my partner during their teaching job search? My partner is nearing the end of a master's in education (M.Ed.) program. S/he has also just finished her/his first intern year and passed all certification tests.. S/he has had previous teaching experience (many years ago though, through a teach for america type program), and great references. I just can't figure out why no one has called to schedule an interview? S/he's a catch!!!

It's heartbreaking for me, but I'm not even the one experiencing it. S/he's getting very discouraged especially as the start of a new school year approaches without any new leads..

If you were in her/his position, what would you want your partner to do for you? What can I do to help? I want very much to help but don't know how best to do it.

She's not my "ladyfriend".

ThisIsNotMe — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 07:34:43 -0800

Isn't it odd to call someone your "girlfriend" who you wouldn't call a "girl"? Under the influence of feminist friends I've worked to extirpate the word "girl" from my vocabulary when talking about adult women.

This leaves me feeling odd referring to someone as my "girlfriend". Or using the word to describe my friends "signifigant others," a phrase I have trouble using with a straight face. It's a problem that's newly presented itself to me--the last time I had reason to use the term regularly I was still in college and would have commonly referred to women my age as "girls". (I'm now almost 30 and she's a few years older.)

So what are my alternatives? Obviously, there's circumlocution "the woman I'm dating"; "partner," which seems to refer to a higher level of comittment; and the ridiculous and slightly creepy "ladyfriend". What am I not thinking of? Alternately, you can tell me that I should just use the word "girlfriend" without compunction.

I've seen the related but not entirely on point, "Why do straights use the word "partner"?

How should two grown-ups share a coffee can full of quarters in our treehouse?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 14:34:41 -0800

How should my brother and I manage a new joint slush fund? My brother and I have invested in a venture that is going well (knock wood etc.). We have all the legal stuff in place to govern how we are paid out, with the exception of a new hiccup we'd like to create for ourselves: we'd both like to set aside x% of our earnings into a joint "slush fund" (for lack of a better term). Depending on how big it grows, this money could be used for any number of activities: a fun vacation together, or perhaps a small investment in a local start-up, or to hire a freelancer to try to build that computer game we've always talked about, or as a small portfolio of a few stocks we each pick for friendly competition against each other, or (and maybe most compellingly) just to pay for all of our families' meals out together so we never have to deal with the "is it my turn or yours" nonsense.

We tend to think very alike on things, and are both equally excited about this idea... but a little lost on how we might be able to put it in place. Should we create a tiny LLC (since this fund may go toward the freelancer, for example, or other actual investments)? Or should we just create a joint checking account? Or is there an even more elegant approach that we're not thinking of?

YANML, YANMA, etc.

Thank you, hivemind!

Business Advice for the Mathematically Challenged, Redux

Paris Elk — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 03:11:43 -0800

Please help me figure out the logical way to divide subletting revenues with my partner. I joined forces with a partner to rent a workspace. There are 3 rooms and therefore the possibility for 3 people to work simultaneously in the space. So far we have split all expenses, responsibilities and decisions 50-50, and plan to continue to do so. As of September, I would like to use the space 5 days a week; my partner wants to use it 3 days a week. We will also be subletting as much of the free time as we can to other colleagues.

My question is: How should the income from subletting be divided? My partner feels she should receive a bigger percentage because she's working in the space less than I am. I don't agree with this, but I'm having a hard time articulating why. Wouldn't an uneven income distribution make me more of a subletter than a lease-holder? I feel I'd be losing one of the major advantages of being responsible for the place -- which is why I decided to pony up the money and take the risk in the first place, rather than just subletting somewhere else.

I really must have been daydreaming when they taught us this kind of problem-solving in school, because I just can't get my head around it. Thanks in advance for your input.

How to deal with a parent who won't acknowledge my relationship?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:03:43 -0800

My mother refuses to meet my fiance. I welcome any advice on how to deal with this, and would especially like to hear from people who have similar personal experiences. My partner and I are engaged after having lived together happily for a couple of years, and could get married at any time because neither of us is interested in having a wedding or anything beyond just signing papers at the courthouse. The only thing delaying this process is my mother, who has refused to meet my partner and does not acknowledge that we are even engaged.

When we speak on the phone, she never asks about my partner and generally acts as though he doesn’t exist, and only refers to him as “your boyfriend” when it is unavoidable. Throughout our relationship, we have lived anywhere from across the country to a three hour flight away from my parents, but we have never been able to arrange for a meeting of my parents and my partner. My mother has ignored invitations to come visit our home, and has also extended no invitations for my partner to come with me when I visit my parents’ home.

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of marrying my partner before he has met my parents, and I think my mother is using this fact to manipulate the situation – I think she feels like she can prevent the progress of my life and my relationship by controlling the circumstances of when they meet, and therefore, when we can get married.

My mother and I have had a complicated, strained relationship since I was a teenager (I am in my mid-20s). When we get along, we get along very well and are very similar, but when we disagree, it is major drama. My mother has always been overprotective of me, and continues to treat me like a child who is unable to make appropriate adult decisions. She is also very resentful about relationships due to a troubled relationship with my father, and I also believe she is socially isolated and emotionally troubled.

I feel conflicted about this because I am trying to be sympathetic to her perspective, but I am also very hurt when she refuses to acknowledge an important part of my life. I love my mom and try to understand her concerns, but this situation has put enormous strain and stress on me. I can only speculate about the stress she feels about this situation, because she is not an open communicator of her emotions.

My partner and I have tentatively talked about visiting my hometown this summer, for a vacation but also to see my parents. My parents’ house can’t accommodate both of us, so we would stay in a hotel. When I proposed this to my mother, she shut me down by saying she would not be open to seeing us, and said I was selfish for trying to put my own interests ahead of her comfort. She wants to see me and have me stay at their house, but my partner is not invited. I wanted to insist that we are both coming to visit whether she likes it or not, but I held my tongue and the discussion is currently unresolved. I’m really at a loss as to what to do.

I’m seeking advice on how to deal with any of this – has anyone else been in a similar situation? How can I best facilitate the meeting of my partner and my parents?