Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with parents

Know a good B&B in the North Georgia Mountains?

shrimpsmalls — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 14:57:55 -0800

Recommendations for a bed and breakfast or similar lodging in North Georgia or Tennessee? I would like to gift a night or two getaway to my lovely parents for xmas. They live just north of Atlanta, so a b&b in Appalachian country would be an ideal place to send them. They regularly visit blue ridge and enjoy hiking there, but I'm still looking for a place that is more luxurious than it is "roughing it." Most b&b websites are pretty shoddy, so personal experiences or recommendations are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

What to do?

janelikes — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 08:06:45 -0800

to dinner party or not to dinner party? My partner and i have been planning for MONTHS to have our parents meet. We also invited our siblings and their partners and grandma. There are 11 of us all together. I have been menu planning and getting ready forever and we are super excited. Especially because my family is a bit noncommital and weird so it is kind of a big deal that they are making the 2 hour drive out here.

So wonderful boyfriend brought me a burger yesterday from Red Robin and it was the only thing I ate all day after spending the previous night up all night working on PhD applications. About 4 hours after I ate it became clear that I had food poisoning. I had already only had 2 hours sleep and spent all of last night in the bathroom- I'm a bit of a basketcase but finally feel better.

Should we cancel the party? First of all I don't want to gross people out that I'm cooking for them after being sick but I feel confident that it was not the stomach flu and was in fact food poisoning. I do however, want to be honest with them because I'm probably not looking all that great and... I don't know. I'm probably not going to eat much.(Side question- do I not tell them?)

It has been such a big deal to get everyone on board for this dinner and we're pumped and also concerned of how long it may take to reschedule the gig. My partner has been awesome and not only helped me out all night but said that it is up to me whether or not we cancel.

If we go ahead with the dinner I am making the big stuff and I delegated out side dishes and other food to others so I am not planning on cooking everything. Also if it matters I still had symptoms as early as 9 this morning. I think I'm on 5 hours of sleep over the course of 2 days.

Help me force my mom into 2003!

Madamina — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 09:51:20 -0800

Giftfilter: My contrarian technophobe mother has indicated that she "might like to experiment with an iPod." Which one should we get her, and how can we make this as easy as possible? My mom is a terrible, terrible technophobe, though I am convinced that half of it is simply her need to be a special snowflake. Refuses to get a microwave (even though she subsists almost entirely on leftovers and tea), refuses to get a cell phone (but will gladly commandeer that of a complete stranger if she feels like it). My patience with her techno-whining ran out around the time my 94-year-old great-aunt got on Facebook.

However, she is intrigued by the ability to take an iPod from room to room and dock it in speakers. She's also been downloading podcasts individually. She is very close to her next-door neighbors, who are more or less my age, and likes how they've used theirs this way. So between them, me and my dad with our iPhones, she could have someone show her how to do things.

I have a 30 GB iPod Classic that is about six years old. I don't use it myself, and she's welcome to it. However, I think that an iPod Touch might be a little easier for her to figure out. Also, a new one would have the most current warranty/help specs available.

We plan to open it before Christmas and prefill it with all of her music. (She has a PC that is entirely her own, so we plan to sneak in there and put the stuff on her iTunes before giving it to her.) I realize she can go in there and switch stuff in and out, but she is so hand-flaily that I'd prefer to do that as little as possible, so we'll probably try to get a 16 or 32 GB model. The Gmail solution, if you will: just have enough space on there that you never have to deal with it.

An iPhone would, of course, be most appropriate, but she would be frightened by it (seriously, she would put on a big show) and she would absolutely refuse to pay 70 bucks a month. Which is unfortunate, because she would LOVE the ability to take pictures of random stuff with the camera.

So I have two related questions:

1. People keep telling me that the iPod Touch would be way more scary to a technophobe than an iPod Classic, and I remain unconvinced (mainly because of the source). To me, it seems like the visual interface would be easier, especially if she's seen me and my dad use our iPhones. When she was telling me how she wanted to do this, she seemed like she was confused by the whole finger-twirly scroll action on an old iPod. Which would be better?

2. Are the second generation ones just as good as the third generation ones? It looks like the big thing she'd miss out on if she got a second-gen one would be voice controls/voice memos, and I highly doubt she'd use those. Apps wouldn't interest her, although she might use maps and the notepad... that sort of thing.

Anyone else with advice for introducing their parents to iPods, or similar, be my guest. Thanks!

My Mom has scleral buckles in both eyes after retinal detachments. Can she enjoy Avatar in 3D?

lilywing13 — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 22:45:07 -0800

My Mom has scleral buckles in both eyes after retinal detachments. Can she enjoy Avatar in 3D? History, surgery, and how she sees now backgrounds included. My Mom has always been very, very near-sighted (She was a preemie at a hard time and there have been immune system and eye problems over the years.) and had complications after cataract surgery that resulted in a scleral buckle in one eye and a non-complete saving of her vision in that eye. She describes the vision in her weaker eye as high-contrast primary colors. Laser surgery has removed a "skwintch" in her vision that she described as her "Mickey Mouse."

She also has a scleral buckle in her stronger eye from another retinal detachment (unrelated to the cataract surgery, but probably from being a preemie), but that surgery was an astounding success, probably because Mom noticed the symptoms immediately and drove herself straight to her great doctor.

Over time, her good eye has been taking over, so her overall daytime vision is actually a lot better than it ever was pre-surgery. She needs reading glasses now for closeup work, rather than taking off her glasses for it.

My Mom went through a lot of hard times and has new "bionic" eyes now. I'm so impressed with her patience, effort, and grace while she handled these things. Oh, she's also been a commercial artist for about 3 decades. (She uses Macs, I mostly use PCs, and we still find peace.)

I've checked the previous posts, because her Xmas present from my Dad is to get taken to see Avatar in an IMAX in the newest 3D. They don't want to pay for the tickets if she won't enjoy it. They aren't going immediately. They just want to know if the extra trouble will be wasted. She'd still enjoy, I think, to see the movie without the 3d, but if she could have that extra bit, it would make her so very happy.

Sorry for the length, but I love my Mom and want her to not be frustrated by the technology and time and money. If they drive an hour and spend the extra money on IMAX 3D and she can't enjoy it, well, my Dad and I will be frustrated along with her. So, we just want to know what to expect.

As a side-note, my Dad has trifocals from being far-sighted. He doesn't expect to enjoy it as much as my Mom, but if the 3D is not going to work for him, they'd rather enjoy it together without. Personally, I'm waiting for the DVD and not planning on going to a theater for it at all. This is all for my folks. Thank you very much for any input.

Help me deal with my parents and their ass-eating dog.

granted — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 11:41:06 -0800

HomeForTheHolidaysFilter: Help me deal with my parents and their ass-eating dog. About a year and a half ago, my parents' 12-year-old longhaired German Shepard (Skye) was given about two months to live. My dad was heartbroken and immediately started looking for a replacement. My mother, however, was looking forward to the independence offered by not having a large dog in the house. But my dad begged my mother for a new dog, and eventually she told him, “I don’t want a dog but I can’t stand in your way either if you're willing to care for the dog.” He got a 1-year old Shepard (Maya) from a rescue shelter.

Fast-forward to the present: Skye is still alive but can barely walk (he requires a lot of care), and Maya has become a serious problem. I'm visiting for the month (usually I'm away at school), and I am finding the situation unbearable for the following reasons:

-THE HAIR: Two German Shepards shed an incredible amount and hair covers almost every surface, but my parents don’t vacuum often. I find the hair upsets my breathing a bit. Part of the problem is that they cannot brush Skye because it causes him pain. They also do not brush Maya (for reasons unknown to me). My dad is responsible for vacuuming but he doesn’t do it. Anytime I bring up vacuuming, it provokes a fight. I have tried doing it myself but I get resentful especially because the Maya ate some of the vacuum attachments, making it hard to get the hair up (and my dad won't replace them because he claims he "fixed them.").

-TRAINING: Skye is very well trained (we adopted him after his past family sent him to obedience school) but Maya has no training. My dad refuses to send her to obedience school, contending that they can train her himself. So far, he has done some haphazard clicker training but doesn’t do it often enough. Usually Maya finds a way to get to the source of the treats and eats them all in one fell swoop anyway. She has also taught Skye some bad new habits, like drinking out of the toilet. Maya has an oral fixation and typically destroys anything in reach. We now cage her when we go out but she still gets into trouble when we’re home.

-WALKS/EXERCISE: Traditionally, we’ve taken our dogs out three times a day for longish walks. But now, because Skye can barely walk, we just walk Maya about ½ block and my parents refuse to take them on separate walks. I think Maya just has too much energy. She runs out back sometimes but there aren’t any kids at home to play with her.

-HYGIENE: The dogs have just made the house super dirty, and it's disgusting. For example: Skye will take a shit, Maya will spend 20 minutes licking his ass and eating his dried shitballs, and then run around sticking her nose in everything.

-THE FIGHTING: Despite his frustration with her, my dad has grown attached to Maya. Meanwhile, my mother has grown more and more resentful. My mother's resentfulness and my father's distaste for household chores has led to a great deal of tension. "The dogs" have become a "third rail issue" meaning that we really can't talk about them honestly. We cannot have a dialogue, for example, about whether to put Skye to sleep and we cannot discuss how best to train Maya. Any suggestions I put forth cause a fight. Meanwhile, my mother refuses to do more than the bare minimum for Maya because my dad adopted her on the promise that he would take on the primary care role. To be fair, I do contribute to the tension by losing my patience with Maya and making my opinions about her odor, her behavior, and the state of the house known. I'm ashamed to say that I don't always express my opinions in the most mature way (a la, "get away from me, you stupid ass eater ")

I know there are obvious solutions to these problems, but anything I suggest turns into a fight. If I say something to my father, my mom just starts yelling at my dad, saying she hates the dog too. My parents resent my coming home and telling them how to live their lives, and they seem unable to commit any more time to the dogs (they put a lot of time into caring for Skye already - and, as I said, my dad will not entertain the suggestion of putting Skye down). How can I cope with this situation, given my physical discomfort, my resentment, and my parents' unwillingness to address the giant hairy elephant(s) in the room?

(Posting for my gf, who will respond to questions by proxy)

You're alien to me, but I love you anyway...

Hakaisha — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 12:16:05 -0800

So, we don't clash outright (much), but we don't really talk either... I'm 22, female, living at home currently while I finish my degree--although I might move out for my last year (next year). I'm Asian. Insert relevant stereotypes of protective parents.

My parents and I get along; there's no real animosity or anything. However, getting along != close; in fact, I'm actually quite distant from my family. I'd like to not be, really, hence my question.

I grew up in Canada, and have starkly different views compared to my parents on a lot of things. I'm not religious, they are; I support sex/living together before marriage and they don't, I value space to be my own person whereas they like interdependence, think family is first above all, and that it's perfectly feasible to live with one's parents under the same roof for years, etc. It shows in very simple things, even; for example, since we rarely Do Anything Together I think it's perfectly acceptable to say morning of (or an hour before) "Hey, I'm going out with x" whereas Mom would go "How come you don't ever tell us these things beforehand?" even though she wouldn't try to stop me from going or anything. (Yes, this one was an issue and has been largely resolved, but for example.)

There also is a language barrier: I'm fluent in English whereas theirs is patchy; their main language is Chinese whereas my Chinese...leaves much to be desired. Sometimes even "what'd you do today?" poses linguistic problems (I'm a chemistry student, and it's hard enough to describe why my reaction needs x y and z parameters or something, or to launch a tale of how calculus eats my soul) since I moved to Canada when I was 5.

There are some things that really can't be helped unless I move out (e.g. clashes about curfews, boyfriends, things like that). I'm fiercely independent, but I'm aware that my parents will not really view me as an Adult for a while (at least until after I get a job, if ever...yes, I know they mean well). Yes, yes, their house, their rules; while there've been some clashes (some really bad ones, even), generally there's been unspoken resignment/agreement on those fronts. Given language barriers and different philosophical viewpoints, we don't really get into much Deep Deep Discussion either because a lot of the times we just go around in circles because we can't adequately explain our viewpoints across the language barrier and we get frustrated. I really just end up...not talking a lot to my parents. I don't have much to hide (don't do drugs, don't go out partying...I'm a pretty quiet type), but it's just so much easier not trying (and failing) to explain why my friend's 4e D&D Elven Ranger just destroyed that White Dragon with a vicious twin strike attack is so awesome when my parents can't understand why a few pieces of paper and a plastic figurine is so captivating.

My older brother's very much similar; we're not close either, although we don't have the language barrier and interest barriers. I'm not sure why I'm distant from my brother; he deals with our parents much the same way as I do. Over the years we've had similar interests (console/cards/tabletop games, certain sports), but we've just never connected after elementary school. Granted, we seem to be getting into the same interests over different time periods, but. I don't know his philosophical viewpoints at all (although I suspect they're closer to mine than my parents), and I'm sure that my parents' don't agree with mine.

So, given the caveats that my brother just may not be interested in having a deeper understanding with me, and my parents are interested but will probably never agree with me on certain things: are there things I can do to try and nurture deeper connections with my family? I know my parents wish I (and we) weren't so stand-off-ish, but...while I'd like for us to be closer, we're so different in ideas and interests that I don't know how to change that. And since my brother might as well be a stranger living under the same roof, I don't know with him either. (At least with my parents I know we disagree, with my brother...no idea. He's a clam inside the house, but much different outside.)

I love my family, but I do think it'd be easier if I was far away from them; they're just very...fondly exasperating.

NB: I have read The Five Love Languages, and while I suspect it might help in this situation I don't know how to get my family on board. I'm definitely way too distant from my brother to suggest to him to read it (him: wtf, Christian relationship book???), and my parents wouldn't understand the English. I've tried communicating the principles of some of it to my parents at least ("Mom, Dad, I don't really need or want you to do everything for me, it's not how I work" but then they feel rejected because "you treat our caring as annoyances etc etc" and get very upset). The language barrier doesn't help.

Getting married next may, what's the etiquette for inviting friends of parents.

valadil — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 07:13:26 -0800

All my recently married friends said that most of their wedding drama came from their parents asking to invite friends. My parents have begun campaigning for a few of their friends to be invited. What's the correct response? If we tell them yes, does that mean that my fiancee's parents should also get friend invites? Or does it depend on who kicked in how much money?

We don't want to be jerks but we also don't want to be doormats about this. What's appropriate in this situation?

"Fathers be good to your daughters / Daughters will love like you do"

rmm — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:59:01 -0800

Found long lost dad - now what? Hi Mefis,

I'm hoping to get some perspective here on what to do, especially from folks who have found long lost relatives and how they've dealt with reconnecting. I tend to turn here when I have a question, so I figured, 'why not again' since in some ways this is the ultimate Meta thing to find and deal with.

So after putting it off for years, I finally traced my father's wearabouts - the last time I saw him in person was 13 years ago, and he had basically dropped off the face of the earth (no forwarding address, very little contact with my family over the years). My parents split when I was very young, and he left town without providing child support. As a result my mother scrapped by providing for my half sister and I. I saw him a few times when I was still a child after that initial split, but I don't remember them very clearly - they were kind of a 'he breezes into town and gives us $100 and a stuffed toy' type moments. He wrote occasionally to me over the years to say how he loved me, but contact was minimal. Needless to say I have a therapist whom I'm working with to deal with my issues of feeling abandoned, fear of commitment, etc. stemming from not having a father, or an absent one at best.

My mother asked me never to contact him - I think she was still upset about the split, which was very hostile. They never divorced - she was so upset by the experience she didn't even bother to formally divorce him. Unfortunately she died earlier this year, and curiosity got the better of me - I hired a private investigator, who found that my father is in my old hometown. The question is what to do next. I'll be visiting my hometown for the holidays and can't decide what to do next - and what's the best thing for both parties. He'd be 76, and while I'm angry he left us, I'm exactly not wild about just barging into his life after all these years with a bunch of questions. He's 76 - how well is he going to be? I don't want to make an already stressful time of the year even more stressful by reentering his life, and I have no intention of making this a miserable experience for either party. Having said that, he's got to have expected that his daughter would want to meet him eventually, right? And I have a bunch of questions that feel reasonable to want to have answered. Some of the questions are practical - like finding out my family's medical history on his side, since I know nothing about it. Some of the questions though are very emotional in nature - finding out why he left, what's he like (personality wise), and I guess some sort of sense that he regrets not being in my life. I'm trying to be open minded in the experience, and realize that the results may not be ideal - that he may not feel like he did anything wrong, that he may not want to meet, that this is just an opportunity and nothing more, and to go into it as being a positive experience regardless of the outcome. I know as an adult that most things in life (and relationships especially) aren't black or white but grey - he could be feeling shame at leaving us, uncertain at contacting me, etc. etc.

So what are my options? Do I write him beforehand, telling him I'll be in town and that I'd like to meet for coffee? Do I try and call him instead - although that's not necessarily an option, since he apparently didn't pick up the phone when the private investigator called. Do I just show up on his doorstep and hope for the best? Or do I do nothing - just let sleeping dogs lie, and resign myself to never knowing about him? There are other options I can use - i.e. in-laws and family friends who are willing to run 'interference' and show up with me to at a coffee shop if he wants to meet. Would that be smart to do? I feel like I'm never going to have resolution on this issue until I meet him - and even if he turned out to be a total jerk, at least I can say, 'well, I met my dad, and he was a jerk', and at least I'd know it. Is it selfish of me to be doing this at this point in my life? If you've gone through this experience, what did you say or do at the time to make it easier on both of you?

I appreciate any advice especially from those who've been there. You can Mefi mail me if you'd prefer to take this offline. Thanks!

How does an international student get financial aid?

kuju — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 12:53:48 -0800

I am an international student going to college in the US (one of the top ten schools, but not need blind to internationals). I have not applied for a scholarship when I was first admitted, because I knew that it decreased my chances and the exchange rate was relatively comparable. Then, things went downhill; my aunt who was helping my parents pay the tuition lost her job, the exchange rate went up from 1.21 to 1.85 and that is the story. I am looking for a form of scholarship, be it need-based or merit based. How? Some background info. I am a successful student, double majoring in Electrical Engineering and Biomedical Engineering and possibly minoring in Math (I am a sophomore). My GPA is 3.97/4.00, I am in a Math TA, and work in a neuroscience lab. I guess you could say that I am not a student that the university would like to lose.

There is also a catch: my parents and my aunt. They haven't really been that supportive through this process and it is stressing me to a point that I go to sleep crying. I feel like I am being an incredible burden and I absolutely hate myself for it. So, last year, we have reapplied for financial aid (even though their policy was to not give anything to returning international students). Our request was rejected as expected, and the finaid people said that they didn't have the resources to give returning international students any aid. So that was that.
This did not come up until last week, when my friend from the country that I am from got some form of a "scholarship". My mom learned about this because she is in finance and takes care of all the international wires and money stuff for them. So, when she saw that they were sending less money, she asked my friend's mom what was going on, and they said that my friend "talked to somebody - a professor" and somehow got some sort of aid. There is also a back story to this, my friend's dad is a surgeon and I guess he hurt his hand and therefore he is having trouble paying, so I am guessing he told them that.

And my parents have been bugging me about this ever since. They are saying that I should talk to my professors in the Math department, since they know me very well and they might be able to help. I am horribly embarrassed and I don't know how to even start talking about something like this to a professor. This is making me very stressed out and I feel absolutely horrible - knowing that there isn't much I can do but seeing that my parents think otherwise. Their logic works this way: If there was a way for him to get it, then you should be able to do the same. Mine works this way: I have applied, got rejected and I don't think much else is going to help. Sorry for the long rant, but combine a very busy workload and stress with some more stress and parents that don't speak English and have very little knowledge of how things work in the US, you have yourselves an exploding head.

Overall, I have two questions:
1. Is it okay to approach a professor like this? Is it awkward? Inappropriate? A definite no-no? How do I even start?
2. Where else can I find scholarships? Keep in mind, I am an international, so I have to cross a lot of things off of my list. If it matters, I am a Caucasian female. Who do I talk to? Who do I approach?

I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you.

Long Distance Divorced Parents Dating Successfully?

Anonymous — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:20:33 -0800

Long distance dating between 2 single parents possible? I'm asking for my sister (who doesn't know I'm asking) because I want her to be happy but don't know if these relationships ever really work. She recently reconnected with an old friend (she says there was definite dating interest 15 years ago but it never went anywhere) a few months ago and since then they've been emailing and texting almost every day. They each have two kids, mid-teens and have both been divorced for about 5 years. She hasn't dated much since the divorce (busy with the kids, little interest). Neither has he, according to what he tells her. He writes that he enjoys speaking with her and she asked him if he thought it would be a good idea if she came to his town and their kids could hang out (my sister is pretty cagey and scared about rejection, obviously). He responded she should come and they could dump the kids and have their own playdate, which she thought was nice. I don't want her getting hurt; she's my sis. So collective wisdom, can this type of relationship between divorced parents about a 3 hour drive away from each other work out well?

How do I get my parents to stop worrying about my relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:41:00 -0800

Generation/culture gap + relatively young relationship, please advise. Relevant background: Female, 21-turning-22-next-month, full-blooded Asian, agnostic/can't-give-a-damn religiously.

Parents: Traditional, stereotypical Asian overprotective parents, somewhat religious.

Background:

I'm an university student at a decent school in my second-to-last year of my degree. My grades are mediocre-to-solid if not great (spoiled by one particular year), with a healthy amount of relevant work experience. I'm generally logical to the point of that I'm told I'm being cold; in reality, while I'm as emotional as the next person I just try very very hard not to let that affect my judgements.

My relationship history is very sparse. I had a brief fling two years back with a guy I sort of worked with (same workplace, didn't see each other very much). He was (much) older, charming, very similar interests and while in general I knew it wouldn't work in the long term I still put a lot of stock into it. Until I discovered he had a girlfriend. I was furious, hurt, the whole nine yards, and somehow through a mix of guilt and pain and genuine like for the guy still tried to remain friends. He took that as to mean that I'm okay being the other woman and tried sexing me up a few times, which was met with very angry refusals. This fling, coupled with an overwhelming courseload and the job and first time moving out to dorm led to my mental health spiralling downwards and I pretty much bombed that year, failed two courses, and flunked out of my honours degree (back to major now). Stupid? Yeah, what can I say, he was my first kiss. And up until now, he was the only person I've ever touched in a sexual sense.

Anyway. I've since then gotten my act together (ditched the jerk and didn't look back, plus took a year off getting relevant work experience far away), thought a lot about what my dealbreakers are in a relationship and generally love myself through my single life. I'm okay with being celibate and single (one of my rules for myself is that I will not have sexual relations with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with, although I don't care if other people have casual sex as long as they're safe about it). I consider myself liberal, even if the choices I make for myself are on the conservative end; I don't begrudge others for my choices.

So now that I'm back home, I've gotten my head screwed on right and am at least solidly trucking along in my life again, I've met this really lovely guy my age and we've been dating for...close to half a year now. He is aware of my sparse sexual history and why (I've alluded to the important parts, he never asked for more details and just accepted it), has no problems with the fact I'm a virgin, and seem more than happy to show/teach/explore. We've never had an argument (granted, relationship's still young); there's been hurt feelings once or twice but was resolved, our communication seems solid (although generally I bring up things I think are issues and the boy wasn't even aware that it was worth worrying about, but we've both told each other straight up to bring up anything we're concerned about) and generally speaking we're really quite happy together.

However, my parents are (understandably) wary. They don't precisely know that previous jerk played a large part in my breakdown, but they know there was a guy and it ended badly and it was roughly around the same time. Not hard to connect dots. And that this current guy is my first serious boyfriend, the first one they've met...they're going a little crazy. Particularly worrying for them is a) sex and b) staying over.

I view sex (not that I've had it, being a virgin) as a bonding experience, something fun to share between you and your partner. Parents are of the view that sex is sacred/for marriage/etc. The notion of me staying over at my boyfriend's place is unthinkable, inappropriate, etc. etc. what have you. Sleeping around leads to diseases, girls get hurt more easily than guys, yadda yadda.

I'm aware that it's unlikely this guy will be my life mate. I'm not concerned about that--life is a journey, this is an experience, what have you. I'm happy with him now. I am educated on sex ed in school, and read pretty thoroughly on my own outside of school; I haven't slept with my boyfriend yet but I insisted both of us get tested before we even got to handjobs (we're both clean). We've talked frankly about options for contraception and what would happen if I was to accidentally get pregnant even despite precautions. And no, I still haven't slept with him yet. I'd like to think the both of us are being mature and careful here.

Obviously, given my parents' views on sex and intimacy I'm not exactly about to tell them in full detail why I'm not worried about STIs and pregnancy, because that'd be outright admitting that I intend on sleeping with him. Speaking in the theoretical does nothing to assuage their fears, because "it's different when it's happening to you, and accidents happen". They're convinced that I'll turn into a sobbing wreck if the boyfriend leaves me/if we break up, and doesn't believe me when I say that "I promise, I'll survive". I'm not saying it won't hurt; of course it will. But through the first disaster of a fling I went through a lot of (online, through reading the Green and another level headed advice community) therapy, did a lot of thinking, and generally came to the conclusion that relationships add to my life but cannot be my life and that I am a perfectly lovable, self-sufficient human being on my own. And having worked towards that, I worked my way out of my downward spiral.

I'm generally pretty much a straight arrow; drinking/drugs/staying out uber late partying has never appealed to me, and generally speaking save for that school year of insanity I think I've a pretty level head on my shoulders, and I wish I could get my parents to just trust me a little more. I'm at the point where I feel cornered and defensive about my choices and if something does go wrong, I'd never tell them because I don't feel like I'd get any more than "we told you so". These conflicting beliefs come to a head whenever I bring up my boyfriend in a slightly more serious context: Staying over at his place for the night, go out with him for a late date and/or out with friends (I have a curfew for midnight), what have you. To them, dating a boy means hand holding and dates once a week and god forbid we want to do anything else more sexual than that.

I get that they're worried and scared for me. I really do. And I know that it's not only a generation gap, but the cultural gap plays a huge part in it too. But at the same time, I'm getting tired of being patronized to and that "it's your first serious relationship, it won't last, it won't even matter in a few years". Be that as it may (or may not), this guy is important to me now.

Complicating the problem is that we have a serious language barrier; I grew up in the Americas and English, while not my first language, is my primary language. Theirs is Chinese. There are some concepts like intimacy != sex that I cannot articulate in Chinese for the life of me, and I'm at my wit's end as to how to make them trust me, and my boyfriend, a little more.

Yes, he has met them. No, they haven't said much (language barrier, again; the parents feel awkward, say hi, and get out of our way).

I don't feel it's fair to tell the boyfriend "no, there's no way I can sleep over at your place until after I graduate because my parents feel uncomfortable" when I don't share their beliefs (and it's our relationship, not theirs, right?). But to them, it's family first, and he might abandon me but they never will. I'm already feeling a little starved for attention because I rely a lot on physical contact (kisses, touches, hugs...not even sex) to feel close, and school schedules between the boyfriend and I (different schools, 1.5 hours between our homes) make that very difficult already. But to hear them say "concentrate on school, he's just a boy" (and yes, I do study a lot) and "it's not necessary for you to stay over, why do it? It's not necessary and it's inappropriate" just drives me a little crazy because these are my (our) needs in our relationship, not theirs.

Neither me nor my boyfriend like the idea of sneaking around behind their backs; to us, nothing we're doing is anything to be ashamed of (and lies have a habit of being exposed and blowing up anyway). But this does mean that it's turning into open discussion which seems to go in nothing but circles.

So, hive mind, what's a girl to do? For the record, yes, I am contemplating moving out for next year to dorms again, but 1) I don't know if this relationship will last that long (although I sure hope it will) and 2) that does nothing for the now.

My family moved across the country without me, and make me feel guilty about not joining them.

blackcatcuriouser — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:23:54 -0800

My whole family moved and they want me to join them. But I hate where they live. How can I get them to respect my decision to stay? I'm in my mid-20s, grew up and live on the East Coast and have a close relationship with my parents, sister, and brother. We don't have much extended family, so we've really only had each other.

About five years ago, my sister chose to attend college on the West Coast - a decision we all supported. She loved it so much she never came back. After spending lots of time visiting my sister and growing tired of their life here, my parents decided to sell our house of 20+ years and move West as well. When they moved they told me that their new house was my house, too, and that I could come live with them anytime. At the time of their move, I was in the middle of an intense graduate program, had an apartment, a job commitment, and a serious boyfriend. Moving just wasn't an option. My parents, brother and sister are now living out there and don't plan to ever return. I am here, sans family.

Soon I will graduate from said program, embark on a new career, get a better job, and move into a new place. I have since parted ways with boyfriend. My parents would like for me to join them on the West Coast and start my new life there so the whole family can be closer together. Of course, I miss them all terribly and am often deeply saddened by the distance. But I hate where they live and have no interest in ever settling down there. It's very pretty and laid back and it's a perfectly lovely place to visit a few times a year, but I just don't see myself living there at all and know I'd be miserable and bored. I have always envisioned my life here. I feel connected to this place. My closest friends are here. I like my life here.

My parents lay on the guilt pretty thick when I say this, often in an attacking, resentful tone. Some examples:
"You'll never have a good quality of life where you live now, with the salary you're going to make. You're always going to struggle! You could save so much money here." (I'd only save money if I moved in with them which, while financially beneficial, would be far from ideal.)

"I guess you don't care about being near your family. You're not thinking long term. You have no one here but "friends." Well, your friends won't be there for you the way your family is. You're choosing friends over family!" (I value my friendships here, several of which have spanned a decade. I have no friends where they live. They have no friends either.)

"I guess we won't be close by when you get married and have kids someday..." (Should've thought about that before you moved, guys... and who's getting married?)

And the kicker...
"What's going to happen to your brother when we aren't around to take care of him anymore? Don't you think about how he's going to need you someday? You're selfish and only thinking about yourself." (My brother is disabled, will never be able to live alone, and requires a lot of attention and care. I am always thinking of him. But can I plan my life around what he's going to need when my parents die?)

It's extremely hurtful, especially since I was not a factor in their decision at all. They chose a new life in a new place very far away from me and assumed they'd be able to convince me to follow, and my decision not to angers them. I feel it is very unfair of them to judge me negatively or assume I only care about myself simply because I have no desire to uproot my life (however trivial and empty that life may seem to them) and move across the country to a place I don't like. I've never expressed any desire to relocate. I never tried to guilt them into staying. I respected their choice. They should respect mine.

I'm at a loss as to how to address their comments without lashing out and getting upset. It starts off very calm and reasoned but they push me to anger and defensiveness, and that doesn't go anywhere good. I've started to opt for silence. I understand where they're coming from, that they love me, miss me, would like for the family to be together, and worry about growing old apart from one another... but they have no right to make me feel guilty about choosing to stay in the city I grew up in, the place I feel most at home. How can I get them to see that what they're doing is unfair? How can I get them to stop?

Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:36:47 -0800

How do I re-start/maintain a relationship with my father while my mother is cheating on him and he doesn't know? My mother and my father's relationship has been on rocky ground from some years, but they have not made any real moves towards divorce. At the same time, I've never been close to my dad and at times this bothers me. Quite often my mom has done the work of getting the family together. My dad is a good person, but we used to have arguments quite often when I was a teenager (which is normal) and he's quite a bit more right wing than I am, and very much a workaholic (his job takes him away from home for up to 2 weeks at a time). As I left for university, my conversations with my father rarely got to deeper subjects than the weather or farming. On the other hand, he's fairly supportive of my sister's and my choices and, as I said, not a mean or bad person. I also worry that my dad is depressed and that his aversion to seeking medical help generally means that he won't deal with it. So I want to have more contact with him, in order to be more aware of how he's doing mentally and possibly intervene/help him before his depression gets out of hand.

My mom has always been close to me, but I've found it stressful talking with her lately, because she spends most of her conversations complaining about my dad being distant and unloving. Several months ago, I advised her to "figure out what she wants in her life" and make that happen rather than letting things happen to her and complaing about it. She's using those words to justify this affair, which actually infuriates me, because I meant them more as a "decide to divorce or not once and for all" and not "have an illicit affair". Furthermore, she's told everyone in the family about this affair now, and I'm angry that she's put all of us in the position of being secret-keepers and/or secret-spillers. I don't approve of her doing this and have told her that I think she should either tell dad, or formally seperate from him so it doesn't matter. She says she wants to avoid divorce because of all the legal and financial stress of it. I also worry that he's going to eventually find out (my parents live in a very small, rural community rife with malicious gossip, so it's going to come out), and I think my dad will be doubly hurt that everyone knew about this before him. I think he deserves to be left by my mom, but not to be humiliated by her. OTOH, I don't want to tell him myself because I feel that it's my mom's responsibility and I think she's on a subconscious level wanting to be 'caught' and hoping that someone will do the difficult work of telling dad so she doesn't have to. (My mom has always been very conflict-averse and neurotic.)

So, basically, to sum up: I'm anticipating a major blow-up and I've decided that it's important I keep a healthy relationship with both of my parents, and I know that I'll need to put in some effort to do that with my dad. I don't want to accidently or purposely tell him about the affair. Nor, do I want my attempts to re-establish more contact with my dad to be intepreted by my mom as some conspiracy against her. An example of how I'm considered trying to get closer with my dad is asking him to (re)teach me how to fish as it's something he knows and likes, and that I'm interested in getting into. I also have a particularly good memory of a fishing trip with him when I was 5 years old.

Other possibly relavant details: I'm an independent adult (approaching 30), own my own home and live several hours away. I ended a 9 year common law marriage last year when my former partner was unfaithful to me, and while I'm trying really hard to project some of that onto my parents' situation, I realize it's a risk. My sister (late 20s) is also independent from my parents, married with kids, and lives closer. My sister's husband talks regularly with my dad and is probably most affected by knowing. Both my parents (early 60s) have good jobs/pensions and healthy savings balances, property, etc, and neither will be devastated financially by a divorce.

Is it rare/impossible for parents-in-law to never meet each other?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 09:36:28 -0800

Are any of you in a situation where your parents and your significant other's parents have never met, and the situation will probably remain this way? Is it awkward, or accepted? I am hoping for any kind of advice on the logistics of this. I feel like it's common for in-laws to know each other, but I don't know this for sure. I'm in a committed relationship with a great person, who I'd like to stick around with for a long time. However, we are both from families that seem to experience more than their share of drama.

For reasons of avoiding serious family strife, I have found it necessary to leave out key information when filling my parents in on details of our relationship (how/when we met, how long we have lived together, etc.) However, SO's parents know all the details, and so I am afraid of what could happen if my parents and SO's parents were ever to meet.

Some factors which may be relevant are that our parents live on opposite sides of the country, and neither couple travels. They are completely different types of people, and I am not sure that they would have any genuine interest in meeting and getting to know each other. If our relationship progresses to the point of wedding bells, we will not be creating a scenario where the presence of our families is expected, we are much more the eloping/very small ceremony type. This is out of respect for the fact that much of my extended family lives internationally, and it would be too much to ask of everyone to come visit.

Somehow, I don't think a Post-It note on the fridge will do...

gursky — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:17:58 -0800

What can I do to thank my parents for their unbelievable support? My parents are awesome. They're both very kind, generous, helpful, loving people. Growing up, my two older brothers and I had a good home environment, and even now that we're adults (I am 22 and my brothers are 28 and 24) my parents are still as helpful and supportive as ever.

Over the past year, I had a really tough time dealing with some mental health issues. I was in and out of the hospital and seriously considered dropping out of university (even though I was in the final year of a 5 year program). In short, the past year has been hellish. Fortunately for me, my parents insisted on helping out however they could. They made it possible for me to see my psychiatrist weekly, frequently offered to do any errands I might need to do, and listened to my endless venting about, well, everything.

Since graduating in June, I have had to move in with them while I get my health in order. Though I am often not at their house (typically I am in other cities visiting friends), they have made it clear that there is no time limit on how long I can stay with them. As well, because I am not working and I am trying to stretch money as far as possible, they have been more than generous with groceries and other necessities. They never complain and offer to lend me money constantly because they would rather I concentrate on getting better than on getting a job before I'm ready. I am very conscious of this, and make sure not to take advantage of them.

I have finally found a doctor that I trust and like, and I think I might finally be on the road to a healthier, happier me. Though it's taking some time, I feel like things are moving in the right direction for the first time in years. In June, I felt as though my life had been derailed; now, I feel as though I am getting back to my old self and I am starting to feel a little better. There is still a lot to do, but at least I'm on track.

So, my question (finally) is this: how do I show gratitude to my parents? Without their support, I could not have taken time off work to find a doctor and get my shit together. If I had started working right after graduation, I don't know that I would be of sound mind today. How do I show them how much their support meant to me?

Note: though I would love to make a grand gesture (i.e. send them on a trip or give them tickets to an event) I am not in a financial position that will allow for it.

Any ideas on gestures or ways I could show my gratitude?

Should I just tell my parents to go to hell?

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:00:33 -0800

Should I just tell my parents to go to hell? I am looking for your opinion and possibly some words of encouragement.

I've been planning our (my fiance and my) destination wedding in Europe (Italy) for the last 4 months. It is happening next June. Our peer group, her family, and some of my extended family members are thrilled. My parents have been less than enthusiastic. I want to stress that they do love my fiance'. When I originally approached them about the idea, I was presented with a laundry list of "reasons" that it was a bad idea and why they didn't want to go. Most of those 'reasons' were very irrational and should have been easily to deal with. I sat them down and tried to address their fears as best as I could. I thought I did a good job, because they actually shifted their answer of 'no, we aren't going, to a 'we'll see'. In fact, my dad even approached me and my 2 siblings on the side and said that he actually wanted to go and that it was a good idea. He'd "try to turn my mom around". So, optimistically, I continued the planning, booked the venue, booked the honeymoon (which jumps off from this European city) and kept them in the loop the entire time. My updates were met with (what I perceived to be) enthusiasm. Yesterday, the situation with them really deteriorated.

They sat me down to talk and all of the "reasons" they had cited before were brought up again. Here they are to help you understand what I am dealing with. What they (mostly my mom) said is in quotes.

"We can't leave the animals alone." (even though we take care of our neighbors dogs all the time and they would no doubt do the same for us.)

"They don't speak English there." (even though, people do speak English there because the city is full of expats, tourists, and many Europeans KNOW ENGLISH!!!!!!!!)

"I don't ever want to leave the country, ever! You know that! I don't want to leave the United States. "

"It is too far." (an 8 hour flight compared to an 18 hour drive they make to Florida?)

"We aren't interested in that place."

"It is too extravagant, NO ONE else we know does this, EVERYONE we talk to thinks it is selfish and a bad idea, and we don't understand why you couldn't just have stayed home."
(That doesn't change the fact that I have already made the commitment to go, sorry your social circle is limited, because certainly not EVERYONE thinks that. They don;t understand why I can't have my wedding like they did in a local church and the reception in the basement or at the VFW.)

"That place is full of crime and we will get robbed by gypsies who target tourists."
(By that logic, we shouldn't ever leave the house.)

"Your {17 year old} sister can't go. Because she will probably get kidnapped."

"You know I can't sleep in hotel rooms. If I'm tired, I am going to ruin the wedding."

"Your dad only pulled you, your brother, and sister aside and told you all that he really wanted to go because he didn't want you to be mad at him." (Dad, is this true, even though you said you'd be willing to go, and that mom was wrong for not wanting to go, you don't really feel that way?). "Right, I don't want to go."

"I hope that you realize, that by doing this to us, you are changing our relationship forever". (Mom, when I started to suggest this to you before, you screamed at me that it was manipulation, and how dare me. Now you are saying it to me?) "Well, it's the truth."

"It is too expensive." (even though now I would pay for their housing and all they need to do is buy 3 plane tickets and bring spending money. They can, for a fact, afford this.)

"What do you expect us to do, not buy gas? Not buy food?" (Mom, you just offered me a wedding gift of X dollars. I would like you to use that money to come to my wedding.)
"Well, that's not the gift we want to give you." (Mom, shouldn't you give me the gift we want, instead of the gift you want to give?). "Well we're just not going."

.......with every reasoned, logical response of mine to the above garbage met with, "In your eyes." / "Well that's just your opinion." My head just about exploded.

I left. I then got point by point summary text messages from my younger sister about how my mom is calling members of my family to tell them what a horrible son I am, how I am leaving our family for 'her [my fiance] and her family' and how I don't care that no-one on my side can come to the wedding.

Bonus sidebar: Throughout my life, my mother has resorted to childish name-calling and/or retorts like "well that's just your opinion' when "arguing", so a lot of this isn't surprising. She has been on and off of antidepressants (currently off), and my dad doesn't have the guts to stand up to her - about anything. She has driven her siblings and her friends away with her behavior, so I am reassured that I am probably not being a horrible ungrateful child. I'm 27 and currently live with them (temporarily - moved back to save $) and am just about to buy a house and get the heck out. ASAP.

So some of the other my mom/dad/parents are horrible help me get over it threads have been helpful. I am having my wedding. It doesn't seem like my parents are going to come. For ridiculous reasons. How do you just let go?

70th BDay Present Ideas?

dzaz — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 04:41:58 -0800

70th Birthday Present Ideas Needed! My mom is having her big 70 next month and I'm stuck on cool birthday present ideas.

It's especially tricky because:

1. She's in the process of being forced to relocate from the place where she's lived all her life to North Carolina, and she's MISERABLE about it;
2. She has very little interests. She is a compulsive shopper (her joy in life is buying ANYTHING and then returning it...I wish I was joking).

So I had the idea of a family portrait but think that could end up upsetting her more as knowing her, it will serve as a reminder that she's moved 14 hours away from us.

Other idea was subscription to local newspaper and NYTimes, tix to local theater, etc., and those may be fine for Xmas but not 70th birthday. And right now, she does NOT want to celebrate this move.

I can't afford special jewelry or an Hermes scarf, etc. She despises gift cards, doesn't play golf, tennis, anything other than shopping.

So Hive Mind, what do I get her?

Looking for data on how parents are helped in europe

elpapacito — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:54:22 -0800

Looking for statistics and/or reports about services given by NGOs, private companies and governments to parents, as opposed to services directed to childrens, in european countries. I am already searching within Eurostat and ChildOnEurope but so far I didn't have much luck. I am particularly interested into statistics kindergartes/ other pre-obligatory schools, baby sitting and parent counseling.

The data doesn't have to be commented as in a report and it can be raw, as long as it can be imported into excel or some spreadsheet program. Reports are also appreciated, as well as websites directing to collections of such resources. English language preferred, but I can deal with any language google translation can handle.

This is part of a research program on how helped are the parents in europe, quantitatively and qualitatively.

My husband is transgendered. How do I tell my parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 04:07:18 -0800

My husband will probably be starting hormones and this may eventually lead to gender reassignment surgery. I fully support him, however it goes. There is a lot of advice out there for how transgendered people should tell their partners or parents, but very little for how supportive partners should tell their families. Any advice? (longer story inside) Some background: both of us are in our mid-30s, we have been together for 6 years, and I've known about his identity since before we started dating. I (female) identify as gay/bi -- well, I thought I was entirely interested in women before meeting him, now I'm not sure what you'd call me, nor do I really care that much. Our relationship is extremely happy, our sex life is great, and I love him (call him Chris) dearly; he is the bravest and strongest and funniest person I know. [I am calling him "he" because that is the pronoun he usually uses nowadays, even though "she" is closer to the emotional truth.]

He has spent the last 7 years (ever since telling me) doing a combination of hoping that he could ignore it, and then eventually (as it became clear that that wasn't working) slowly doing lots of painstaking psychological work on himself. Over the past two years or so he has come to the conclusion that he really has to do something more than just internal psychological work: i.e., visiting a therapist, starting to take hormones, and include as a possible end-goal having a sex-change operation. He is quite miserable with this aspect of his life as it currently stands. I am fully supportive of whatever option he chooses to take. The money for surgery, should it come to that, won't be an issue, nor will his job situation.

I'm writing because we both really feel like I should tell my parents. He told his a year ago, and (though it threw them for a loop) they responded about as well as you could possibly expect: telling him they love him still, will support him, etc, even though they are made obviously uncomfortable by it (and I expect that once he starts showing physical changes will be more so, but they will probably be able to work through it).

My parents, though, are much less worldly and open than his ... they are impressively open-minded for their cultural background, but also have fairly rigid senses of what is proper and what isn't. When I came out to them, the result was two years worth of extremely awkward silence on the entire topic of relationships, though they did not shun me in general or anything, and it was quite clear they still loved me. Eventually, when I had been dating a woman somewhat seriously for a while, my dad gave me a little speech about how whoever I fell in love with was fine with them, and things got somewhat better; but we still didn't talk about it much and they were still enormously, transparently relieved when Chris and I started dating. I obviously didn't give them any of the transgender backstory at the time; I publicly identify as bi to them, but we really don't talk about it. They really, really like Chris, and not just because he seems like a guy to them.

I am fairly close to them (even though we don't talk about some things), and I truly like and admire them. I also live quite far away, so really only see them a few weeks out of every year. I want to tell them about Chris because it's starting to feel like a huge secret to keep, and it's going to come out (no pun intended!) at some point soon anyway once he does start with the hormones, and especially if surgery and living full-time as a woman becomes a realistic option. The sooner we tell my parents, the more time they have to get their heads around it.

An additional complication is that they live in the town I grew up in, which is very small and fairly conservative. My parents are very well known and many people know and still ask about me. So even if they were okay with things, Chris getting a sex change would put them in many difficult social situations; in fact, I think they would probably have more social fallout than we would (we live in a fairly open-minded metropolis, and many of our friends either know already or will probably be okay with it when we tell them). I feel bad about this, but don't see any way to stop it.

Anyway, a few questions.

1. If you were my parent, how would you want to be told? What things should I emphasize or downplay? I plan on saying that I still love and support him, and that it wasn't something he did "to" me, and that our situation is stable, with friends, etc. Other thoughts?

2. How should I play this, long-term? I was thinking of telling them, and then backing off entirely and giving them several months to process it before saying anything more on the topic. Then I would slowly raise it casually in conversation (e.g. "Chris saw the therapist for the first time today") and gradually require more out of them in terms of talking about it, etc. But I don't really know. We just visited and probably won't see them in person again for many months.

3. How explicit should I be of our expectations for them? What I really hope is that they do their best to inform themselves about what it all means, and (even if they don't understand) try to accept Chris as he (or maybe eventually she) is. And make it so that I can bring Chris when I visit without horrible awkwardness. But should I give a timeline? Is that too dictator-like? Will that alienate them even more?

4. Why am I so nervous about this? It's almost worse than when I came out myself, even though it's not me facing a personal rejection this time.

5. Any other general advice? We both don't really have a lot of perspective on this at this point.

Thanks, and sorry this was so long, it just felt like all these details were important.

My throwaway email is: tellingparentsabouttghusband@yahoo.com.

How do I do the best job of recording the story of my parents lives?

therubettes — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 13:39:44 -0800

I want to record my parents telling the story of their lives. I would love to hear tips, pointers, guides, resources or your experiences of doing the same thing - anything which might help me do as good a job as possible would be appreciated. I get along brilliantly with my parents. They are retired and I would love to spend some time with them recording them talking about their lives. I have a dictaphone but no plan. I would like to hear peoples answers to the following questions and any other information you think I should know.

Should I interview them seperately and together?
How do I structure the interviews?
How do I help to jog their memories?
Any other advice you think I would benefit from.

I know that most of the answers could be conditional on what kind of people they are but just give me general advice I can adapt it.

p.s. I do not intend to write the story of their lives but I want to record as much detail and as many stories as possible.

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

Rules for a Parent in a New Relationship?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 20:12:06 -0800

It's been almost three years since my mother died, and my father has slowly been working himself back into seeing new people, but it's starting to cause major family drama. I'm 23 and live on my own in a different city, so this doesn't bother me much. But my 17 year old sister still lives with him, and she's really upset that this is going on. To make matters worse, the latest person he's seeing is my sister's favorite teacher from school. What can my dad do to ease this transition for my sister? What do both people deserve here? We'll call the characters Dad, Sister, and Teacher for the sake of clarity.

I've been kind of caught on the middle on this, mediated between Dad and Sister. Dad's basic argument is that the extreme dad-isn't-allowed-to-date-until-I've-left-the-house desire of my sister are not fair to him. In 18 months, my sister will go off to college and he needs to start building a post-children life. Part of that involves dating, and he doesn't feel like he can just put that on pause until my sister is gone, just because she's upset about the idea. He's been really clear that this isn't about him being unhappy with her, that he's not trying to replace our mother and that he's not going to try to make us think of her as our mother. He's not going to have more kids, although Teacher does have kids of her own. He ended up dating my sister's favorite teacher, which he understands makes this much much harder for my sister, but he points out that you don't have a lot of control over who you're interested in and who's available and sometimes it's not totally perfect for everyone around you and that we should just roll with it.

Sister's grievances are many and varied. The biggest one, as far as I can tell, is jealousy. Being a single child with a single parent forges a really tight bond, and the existence of this other woman (or any other woman) makes her intensely jealous. If Dad's not around some night to help her prepare for a math test, is he with Teacher? Did he pick spending time with Teacher over her? Did Dad push Sister to go to summer camp so he could spend more time with Teacher? If he's trying to cut a phone call short, is it so he can call Teacher? Does he behave differently towards Sister when Teacher is around to impress Teacher? It just drives her crazy thinking about everything that she never had to think about before. She did genuinely like Teacher before she found out Teacher + Dad were dating, but now really dislikes her and wants never to see her again, let alone have a conversation. That switch from liking Teacher to hating Teacher is also troubling for her - what she thought was a positive relationship was instantly soured by Dad.

Then there's a bunch of other related what-ifs that are driving her crazy. If Sister hadn't told Dad how much she liked Teacher, would they not have gotten together? If Sister drags her feet enough can she make Teacher go away? Since Dad + Teacher were dating while Sister was Teacher's student, what does Sister and Teacher's previous relationship mean now?

To Dad's credit, he's been pretty communicative about this whole process, to the extent that he thinks Sister wants to know what's happening. He asked her (and my) permission to start seeing people at all, doesn't ever bring them home, doesn't push for us to meet them, etc. He want to great, great lengths (like never being in public together in our relatively small town) to avoid Sister finding out that he was seeing Teacher while Sister was taking a class from Teacher, for which Sister is indeed eternally grateful. And Teacher will not be teaching at Sister's school next year, although Sister is still wigged out by the idea that people at school will find out Dad and Teacher are together. Dad also feels like Sister is fundamentally opposed to change of any sort, and is unreasonably upset about this whole process. He's willing to do whatever he can to make this easier for her, but doesn't think her fundamental adversity to change means that she can say "no dating" entirely.

So my question is - what's reasonable here? It seems like both Dad and Sister have very normal concerns. If we posit that it's not okay for Sister to veto relationships outright, how can we help assuage her issues with the process? Should Dad be asking her permission to do different things, eg hosting a dinner party for neighbors to meet Teacher, or meeting Teacher's kids, or introducing me to Teacher. Can Sister veto specific events that she's uncomfortable with? How can he demonstrate his priorities to Sister? Really, any advice about kids dealing with parents' new relationships would be useful here, since this is new territory for all of us.

Ideas for alcohol-free mingle for single parents and their kdis?

Lutoslawski — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:08:36 -0800

What kinds of fun things can we do at a social event for single parents and their kids with no booze? Using my question on something work related [sigh].

I work for a children's museum. We frequently show up in things like the missed connections, e.g. 'our kids played together at the children's museum and had a great time. You seemed really sweet. Wanna schedule a play date?'

So we've decided to hold a special event, after hours, just for single parents and their kids - with the intention being at least somewhat a mingle for single parents to meet other single parents and make the sparks fly and the fireworks happen, etc etc.

The catch is - we can't serve any alcohol, because of the kids (and because you'd be nuts to liquor up a bunch of parents and stick them in the car with their kids). Seeing that alcohol is frequently a key ingredient in the whole meeting other people game, what kinds of things could we do at this event that would make it easy for people to meet and get to know each other that isn't awkward and that includes kids? I'm not a single parent, so I'd love to here from any that might have ideas of what they might like to do at something like this. What sorts of games? Activities? Ice breakers? Anything? Or other resources I might find some ideas?

Thanks Hive Mind!

You can ALWAYS come home...

greekphilosophy — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 13:17:24 -0800

Please share your re-nesting experience. Help me avoid getting sucked into the vortex of hometown life. I am strongly considering re-nesting.

Five years ago, I moved across the country for law school. Leaving home was a great decision and it has served me well. I have much more appropriate boundaries with my parents and I'm a little older, a little wiser and a lot healthier. But I'm a lot more in debt.

I love my adopted city (Philadelphia, PA) but I am not moving forward professionally or financially. Actually, I'm backsliding ever so slightly. For a year now, my father has suggested I move home, live at little or no cost, and use that time to get settled into adulthood by getting into a routine with my student loans, rehabbing my credit, getting some savings put together, and even taking the bar exam. Despite my aversion to living in my hometown (Galveston, TX), I think I am ready to accept that it is my best option. The low cost of living back home, coupled with my father's generosity, means that I can do significantly more - even staying at the $30k that I currently make.

How do I achieve the goals of re-nesting (extreme savings and financial rehab coupled with professional development on the order of taking and passing the bar exam) without getting sucked into hometown life AND without undermining my success by spending my way out of potential hometown blues? What timeline should I be looking at? What rules should I set for myself to make this the most pleasant/productive/positive experience possible? How do I deal with my grief over leaving behind a life (and friends!) I truly enjoy to do what I know, deep down, is the right thing? What do you wish you had known before you (or your children) re-nested? What are your favorite re-nesting resources?