Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with parenting

Why isn't my toddler talking in sentences yet?

echolalia67 — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 13:14:38 -0800

ParentingFilter: My two year-old isn't speaking in sentences yet. Should I worry? My son has been saying words for over a year. However he rarely uses two-word phases other than saying hello to the dog or cat. He does chat to himself, but it's nothing that can be identified as a word, just sing-song, Cocteau Twins-type vocalizations. When he wants to communicate, he mostly points and gestures, occasionally saying a word to emphasize the point. When he gets angry, he cries and vocalizes, but no actual words. I have to go down a checklist of possible causes until I find the right one - then he'll either nod or repeat the word. He has never uttered a sentence. However, in all other respects, he seems to be a bright, normal little boy.

I didn't think it was a problem until I spoke to his pediatrician who raised the concern that he might be autistic. I'm pretty sure that he isn't - he's very social, loves to show-off to adults, likes to be around and play with other kids, is affectionate, likes to be cuddled. Doesn't flap his hands or do any other type of stimming. He is, however, pretty rigid about what he eats, likes arrange his toys in a long line and can get really upset if someone moves one of them even slightly.

The other thing that she mentioned is that he might have an "receptive-expressive language disorder". I kept a diary of the words that he has uttered and he actually has a pretty large vocabulary - he just doesn't use it very often. My husband thinks I'm worrying too much and that he'll come around soon enough. I don't want to make a problem where none exists, but the more 2 year olds I meet, the more concerned I get. There is a big difference between their language skills and those of my son. Help me, hivemind!

Just like dooce.com, but with autism?

pootler — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:24:19 -0800

Which irreverent, funny parenting blogs have extra added autism? My 4 year old recently got a diagnosis of (very) high IQ and autism and I'm looking for stories from people in a similar position.

Type 'autism blog' into google and you get plenty of hits. But I'm looking for really good blogs from parents who are dealing with young kids wih autism.

I've been reading Dooce and Schuyler's Monster for 5 years and they have helped keep me sane when dealing with a my 'special' kid. :-) I love their humour and their refusal to pretend that children are perfect little gifts or that being a parent is not anything but a joy. The Poo Bomb was the best medicine for us too, when the kid was a horrible, dificult, terrible baby.

We deal with a lot of the same stuff that Leta and Schuyler's parents deal with, but they don't have autism. I know it would do us all good to read a blog by someone who is in the same place we are. Who should we be reading?

How can I get a sitting gig with no experience?

sondrialiac — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 12:18:24 -0800

How can I get a babysitting gig with no experience or references? I want a babysitting or even a nanny position, preferably with babies or younger children. I have a potential gig, because I ended up interacting with a toddler in a public place and we really hit it off.

However, I'm worried about getting the job because I don't have any babysitting references or experience. I have spent time watching my nieces and nephews over the holidays, here and there, but never alone.

I will be infant/child CPR certified soon. I do have character references but not any related to child care.

What questions would you ask me if you were considering hiring me? What would be your biggest concerns? Is there anything (truthful, of course) I could do/say that would make you feel more comfortable with me?

My Dad's not my biological father. Now what?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:11:24 -0800

I just found out from my parents that my dad probably isn't my biological father. It's not a particularly dramatic situation, as these things go (it was a sperm donor situation, we're all living happily ever after), but what do I need to do now? Even though it was just a "by the way, we thought you should know that..." moment, I'm still reeling a little bit, so I can't think of what to do next. I have no interest in meeting my (probable) biological dad, but should I worry about medical history? Should I be trying to figure out genetic disorders and all that? What about legally (documentation, inheritance, etc.) -- anything to worry about there?

I'm in my mid-twenties. Parents are still married. Um, what else...? If I've left anything out, you can email me at askmefianon@yahoo.com.

Baby Boy goodness?

k8t — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 10:25:12 -0800

Flip this question: What is great about parenting a boy? I already mentioned that I am a tiny bit disappointed about having a boy, which may be a reaction to being told every day that boys are better than girls and my personal fear about not really knowing much about boys and how they operate. But since we're on the subject, what are some great things about parenting a boy that only those who have done so know about and can help get me excited about the little man arriving in our lives.

how to help an 8yo deal with teasing?

luser — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 06:49:22 -0800

Our 8yo boy is very sensitive. Any teasing really seems to upset him, and of course that's the reaction the teaser is going for. How to help him? While extroverted, smart, funny, and kind, our boy has always been super sensitive to any kind of criticism or teasing. When he misbehaves, for instance, an angry look from me or his mom is often enough to bring him close to tears.

On the playground, any kind of teasing, or even the kind of verbal jousting all boys do, causes him to withdraw and sulk, and later he explains to us that it makes him "hate himself." We try to explain that teasing is what boys often do, that it's more of a game than a reflection on him personally, even pointing out the good-natured teasing that I do with my friends (his friends' dads) and how we all are just having fun.

But then a kid three years younger than him will make fun of his bellybutton at swim class (!) and he's ashamed and humiliated. What strategies can we suggest to him to take this kind of stuff more in stride, and not as a final judgment on him personally?

How does my former coworker get rid of this kid?

Dee Xtrovert — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 01:26:19 -0800

My friend needs to see her son removed from her living situation. How can this be done most effectively? I'm asking this for a former coworker who's still recovering from a divorce and total economic devastation. She has two kids, ages 16 and 19, and lives in some form of subsidized housing. She is the sole support for them all.

Her oldest son has a drinking problem, as did his now-absent father. Despite not being of legal age, he's received two DUIs and is currently under probation. The probation began a year ago, and under the terms of it, he is to refrain from any drinking and to obtain a full-time job. He's done neither. Additionally, he is a high school drop out who shows no desire to obtain a GED or resuming education. The mom is worried about all of this - his lack of ambition in every area, his severe attitude problems, his disrespect and his dependency issues. She's recently 'found religion' and no longer enables him. That is to say, he can no longer use the car, his friends are banned from their apartment, and so on. This has only made his attitude worse, so recently she went to the apartment manager to see about taking the next step - evicting him.

Unfortunately, she can't. Because he was 18 when she moved into the apartment, he was put on the lease. Per the apartment manager, he has as much right to be there as she does. Needless to say, he has not ever contributed a cent towards the rent, utilities, food or any other expense.

I thought perhaps she could take him to small claims court to recover his share of the rent (which would presumably force him to at least get a job), or that she could contact his probationary officer, who has obviously done nothing about his most obvious failure to live up the terms, i.e. getting a job.

She wants him out of the apartment; his behavior is affecting the younger boy, and she works two full-time jobs to support the family, so she's not around enough to appropriately monitor the elder boy, even if she wanted to. He went do counseling or anything like that; his attitude is pure intense disrespect and he clearly believes that mom doesn't have it in her to do anything about it. She realizes that is she can get him out of the house, he may have to live on the street or burn through his friends' generosity before hitting bottom and (one hopes) working out his issues. She's prepared for the emotional hardship that that entails for herself.

How can she create this positive change for herself as soon as possible and in the clearest of terms? She has little money, but any sort of (legal) tactic is welcome, and though there may be a few caveats to it, her thinking is that the most shocking and sudden method may be the best. So, hive mind, please use your creativity and sense of tough love to help out a very nice friend who's trying her best.

Momma told me...

dreamphone — Fri, 30 May 2008 10:10:20 -0800

What stories about everyday things do you tell to your toddler/preschooler? A friend told me that she tells her one-year-old when it thunders that the noise is “angels bowling.” Nice, but not really my style.

I know at some point when my daughter gets a little older, we’ll give a better/more realistic account of what’s happening, but in the meanwhile I’m looking for simple ways to explain life phenomena without mentioning a “god” and without getting too technical. For example, when it thunders now, I wimpily tell my 18-month-old daughter, “um, that’s the noise the sky makes sometimes!” Not overly helpful, I’m guessing, and I can’t remember what my parents used to tell me.

The question: Do you have any “cute” tales you tell your toddlers/preschoolers about natural occurrences? I’m not looking for things necessarily that address frightening things or big topics (like death), just your run-of-the-mill daily conversations. Hope this question isn’t too expansive, just would like to get a little better at answering the “why does....” question when it comes up, particularly with simple, age-appropriate, and charming (if possible) answers.

Should I help out my neighbor even though her kid is a snot?

Sweetie Darling — Tue, 27 May 2008 13:08:35 -0800

Plate of beans in the carpool lane: Help me head off summer mama drama. My teen daughter is a counselor at a half-day camp during the summer, along with a classmate from the neighborhood. Last year, the girl's mother shared carpool with us; Other Mom drove the girls to camp in the morning and Mr. Darling picked them up at midday.

My daughter doesn't want us to carpool this summer. Other Mom was always running behind schedule and got them to work late every morning, which does not fly with my time-sensitive child who prefers to be 15 minutes early for everything.

On top of that, while the girls were not particularly close to begin with, their relationship became even more strained over the school year and they generally do not even speak to each other.

Lately, Other Daughter has started asking mine if she is going to work at the camp this summer, presumably setting the stage for carpooling again.

But here's my dilemma: While I don't particularly like the child, I have nothing against her parents. We're doing them a favor by bringing their kid home at midday, rather than making her wait around until 6:00 when her parents can pick her up. But their kid is kind of a snot, and in a strange way I feel like I'm punishing my own daughter by making her spend extra time every day with someone she doesn't like. [We've already determined that one of us will drive her to camp/work in the morning this year so she can get there sufficiently early.]

So if you were me, what would you say when Other Mom calls to ask if we can carpool?

How do we delicately end this friendship?

kbanas — Fri, 23 May 2008 07:10:03 -0800

ParentingAssistanceFilter! How do I deal with a friend that's a bad influence? My girlfriend and I have gone around and around this, and can't seem to come up with a solution that doesn't end badly (at least in our heads). Maybe you can help.

My girlfriend's daughter, J, is 9, just a couple weeks shy of 10. She spends half of the week with us, and half of the week with her dad. At our house, she has 2 friends that we consider to be "primary" friends, and 1 or 2 other friends that are kind of "fall-back" friends if the first friends are busy. You know how kids are.

Anyway, we're really ill at ease about one of these "best" friends, who we'll call R. R seems to have a bad influence on J. When R and J are together, they seem to feed off of each other, and incidences of being rude and disrespectful really seem to sky rocket. When R and J spend time together over at R's house, we get the impression that they're not really being supervised adequately - being left in the care of R's teenage sister, for example, and being driven all over town, and all sorts of stuff that just makes us generally ill at ease.

After talking about it, and talking with J's dad, we've decided that we really don't think R and J should be friends anymore.

That's obviously easier said than done. Is there a relatively pain-free way to achieve this result?

J will be moving to a new school in the fall, which will introduce her to new friends and hopefully the problem will take care of itself.. but that still a ways off.

We've discussed getting J involved in more social activities in hopes that she'll meet some new friends and broaden her horizons and move on of her own accord, so that is one possibility.

We're also relatively non-confrontational people, so we'll probably get by for awhile by making lame excuses to J for why the two of them can't play together.... you know, we're busy, we're going somewhere, the car's on fire, so on and so forth.

We've thought about talking to R's parents, and simply explaining that we don't think that they make a good fit as friends, but that path is fraught with peril. We have the impression that R is part of the "popular" crowd at school. J is more introverted, and doesn't have nearly as many friends. She already has had to deal with a little bit of teasing. If R (or her parents) feel like this is rejection - and it certainly is - things could get really ugly for J at school, and we're concerned about that.

This is causing us all sorts of stress. For example, J has a birthday coming up. We were planning on a gala event (or gala for kids that age - laser tag and pizza), but now we're thinking that we may just have it be a "family only" affair, so that we don't have to deal with explaining to J that we don't want R to attend.

It seems incredibly lame to me that we're contemplating canceling a plan that would be uber-fun for J just because of this, but here we are.

Help!

I'm totally ignorant about comic books

keith0718 — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:55:57 -0800

I'm totally ignorant about comic books. My 4 yr old son is into superheroes, cowboys, samurais--anybody who can whip a bad guy's ass. I'd like to start reading comic books to him, but I know nothing about them. I'm a methodical/purist kind of person. When I get into something, be it reggae music, philosophy, or comic books, I like to go back to the roots, the beginning. Now I know that I can't just walk into Wal-Mart or my local library and pick up, say, the first batman comic book. I don't even know if comic books are re-issued, but I'm hoping to be able to find compilations/re-issues which start at the beginning of a series. What would it take to read, say, Batman from the first issue? If it's not possible to start at the beginning of batman, spiderman, superman, etc., then what sort of logical starting point do you suggest? School me about the world of comic books.

Hack My Baby

jasondigitized — Tue, 20 May 2008 09:16:19 -0800

Give me your baby hacks! My wife and I are expecting our first child in November. What tips and tricks can you offer us to make our lives a lot easier? For example, a friend of mine swears that putting a crying baby in front of a mirror will cause it to stop. Another uses noise cancelling headphones to temper the noise from his shrieking child. I am looking for hacks on everything from diaper changing to stroller modifications. Make our lives easier as we enter into parenthood.

Can you give me some ideas on how to be a better mother to my 15 year old son? I'm a man.

rikatik — Tue, 13 May 2008 03:40:34 -0800

How do I, as a man, show my son a caring and feminine side to life? I've raised my son in classic, tough-guys-don't-cry fashion. I worry that I haven't given him the tools to form the best relationships with the opposite sex or to be more caring and compassionate and I want to redress the very male influences in his upbringing. Are there any other single fathers out there who have the same concerns? How have you dealt with them? Are there any good resources you would recommend? Any women who have experience of young men mainly raised by their fathers? What are your thoughts? Am I worrying unnecessarily? I'm 41 and a single parent for the last 10 years to a 15 year old boy. My son has very minimal contact with his mother. I have not had serious other relationships throughout the years that my son has been with me, primarily because I wanted stability for my son following a turbulent start to his life. In addition, my son has attended an all boys school since the age of 11. This all means that his world is predominantly male; it is centred around male sports, his male friends and their all-male interests (ps3 shoot-em-ups etc). My son does have contact with women in our extended family but not the mother's love that I think would round him out. I try to be sensitive but I find it hard to switch from "stand up, be a man, work hard" to, "it's ok to cry, take it easy, there there". We can talk for hours about football and boxing but never about emotions and feelings. What should I do?

Help for parents of gifted kid

rikschell — Fri, 09 May 2008 11:08:50 -0800

What are some good resources for raising a gifted child? Google will pull up all kinds of things, but I'd love a recommendation for stuff more weighted toward parents who want their kids to be able to enjoy childhood and away from the more competitive stuff. I don't want to judge anyone else's parenting choices, but we want to feed our son's interests without trying to turn him into the next Einstein. We just got through some assessments, and are trying to figure out what to do next. I'm sure I'll have more specific questions later, but any online communities or background reading you can point me to would be awesome!

Quotes or poems for a soon-to-be mother?

phr4gmonk3y — Wed, 07 May 2008 21:20:46 -0800

I'm looking for quotes or a short poem for my sister, whose expecting her first child in the next several days. Any ideas?

Exposing your kid to behaviors you disagree with?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 May 2008 12:17:57 -0800

What do you do once you have a kid and family problem stakes seem higher, i.e. you're concerned about exposing your child things that go against what you believe? I'm pregnant. I live far away from my extended family which allows me to avoid them for the most part.
I strongly disagree with a number of my extended families activities/pasttimes/beliefs.
My folks want me, hubby, and baby-to-be to start coming around more for family events now that baby-to-be is on his way.

My problem? I don't want baby-to-be to be exposed to the following behaviors of my extended family (in no particular order): excessive drinking, drinking and driving even with kids in car, gossiping, backstabbing, making fun of reading and other scholastic activities, homophobia, racism, irresponsible financial behavior and materialism, and ostracizing and talking shit about one's siblings (Specifically: one sibling has been ostracized for going on 4 years for divorcing a guy "everyone liked" and dating a new younger guy. Her siblings talk shit about her in front of her kids and anyone else who will listen at sporting events, on MySpace, and in front of their kids. They even dis-invited her to their mother's funeral.)

How does one deal with exposure to this stuff? Do you explain to kid "I want you to know that even though these people are family, Daddy and I totally disagree with their behavior, so cover your ears until Christmas is over"? Do you keep your kid at your side at all times? Do you say to another adult something like "I know that you and sister are not getting along. And you know how I feel about it. I would prefer that we not discuss this, in particular in front of my child."

Again, these are my cousins, not my siblings. I could take 'em or leave 'em, but I know that my mother is going to feel very torn up about this at holidays.

Marriage Counselor In Durham/Chapel Hill

littleredwagon — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 19:42:47 -0800

Looking for a stellar marriage counselor in Durham/Chapel Hill, NC Would like them to have experience with consulting couples on communication with regards to their finances home life and parenting.

Educational Opportunity or Con Job?

lpsguy — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 12:34:47 -0800

Educational Opportunity or Con Job? I happen to be the father of a focused 15-year-old daughter who wants to pursue a career in medicine. We're trying to figure out how to expose her to the field so she can eventually make a clear-headed decision. Understand, this is her driving the bus. I think it's a little early to be worrying about career paths but like I said, she's focused and intent.

That being said, we've recently been flooded with mail for three different student conferences. She would go somewhere, near or at a college, and be exposed to the medical field for a week or so this summer. The only thing is, my wife and I can't figure out if any of these is a legitimate educational experience or just a way for these groups to flatter kids and parents and make some money off of them. The three are:

The Congressional Student Leadership Congress
The National Youth Leadership Forum
The National Youth Leadership Conference.

Anybody have any experience with any of these? Can you shed some light for us? I'm all for sending her for a week of brushing up against the medical profession as long as I know these people are legitimate. I'm not about to ship her off for a week becase someone sent us a foil-stamped packet to "select" students. Extra points for other suggestions on how she can see if being a doctor is the thing for her.

Mighty hive mind, please help.

And Girlfriend Makes Three

kerfuffled — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:03:11 -0800

When my lease expires at the end of May, my boyfriend and I will be moving together. This is all very exciting, but I'm going to go from living alone to being a (basically) stepmom to a 10 year old boy. How can we make this easier on everyone? Are there any books that will be helpful? My boyfriend and I have talked about this a lot recently, but the conversation always ends with a panicky "I don't know what to do! I've never done this before!" on both ends, and we'd like to change that.

I think his son is a great kid, but we're not very close yet. I'm really good with kids in general, but the importance of not screwing this up has made me awkward around him and unsure of myself because I'm so scared of him hating me. It's gotten better the more I spend time with him, but I still need help.

We have so many questions (How does he tell his son? How much do I hang around on his weekends at our shared house? Should I be more of a mother-figure or more of a friend? What do we do if he hates it? Etc, etc) that it feels a bit overwhelming at times.

We're especially looking for book recommendations, but advice and tips from people who have been through this are also appreciated.

Babies at the keyboard

blahblahblah — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 12:52:39 -0800

My 18 month old baby loves to pound on the computer keyboard in imitation of her mom and dad. Does anyone have any experience with programs that would both prevent her from deleting all of our files while providing an entertaining experience? She has already gotten bored with the "disconnected keyboard" trick, and has succeeding in hitting key combinations that have turned on some previously unknown Windows features, so I am looking for an application that might be of help.

For the record, I am not expecting it to be educational, to be used unsupervised, or to be a replacement for honest-to-goodness parenting, but simply a way to let her play with the computer a bit.

The only program I have seen is called Giggles, does anyone have any experience with it? Or any freeware alternatives or other good suggestions for those baby-meets-computer moments?

websites for baby momma

beccaj — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 14:18:41 -0800

I am looking for great parenting websites (got a newborn) with an active, intelligent discussion forum, kind of like metafilter/ask mefi for parents. Thanks

Should I celebrate a child's menstruation? How?

parilous — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 12:42:56 -0800

[Ladies filter] My niece just got her first period -- how to celebrate? Or is that a weird thing to do? My niece (who is living with us semi-permanently) just started menstruating.

I thought it might be cool to celebrate it with something to mark the occasion, but have gotten mixed reactions about it from the girls at work. Besides, so far, I've only been able to come up with a "girls' night out" at a fancy restaurant and don't know if that's just too lame to be memorable.

So, AskMe Ladies, what did your mom (or guardian) do when you got yours?

How much can an 11-year old handle?

parilous — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:55:20 -0800

My niece's mom is an alcohol/drug addict. My niece has consistent contact with her mom over the phone. Did I do the right thing in letting her know about her mom's problem? If not, can I mitigate the damage I've done? I know it's long, so I tried to highlight the important bits.

Some background info: In September '07, my husband and I took over legal guardianship of my niece due to my sister's unemployment and subsequent homelessness. In November 07, my sister was in a coma as a result of liver failure brought on by an acetaminophen overdose (found in Vicodin). It took her a month for her to get out of the hospital and continues to have painful nerve damage from the experience.

We took our niece to see her mom in the hospital (while she was in the coma, because it was believed that she wouldn't survive). At that time, we talked to my niece about the possibility of her mom's death. Her response was that she has "been prepared for it since she was 2". She is fully aware of the amount of drugs and drinking her mom used to do, but didn't fully understand what she was seeing until she asked us. (As a policy, we don't lie to her. We will try to soften the truth, but we won't outright lie.)

Current situation: My sister is living with our mother and her new husband (not our dad). Since the hospital, her liver has recovered almost fully (no cirrhosis). About three weeks ago, she was taken to the ER by our mother after an overdose on Soma (an old script given before the coma that had unused refills on it).

After the Soma incident, our mom gave her an ultimatum: stop abusing drugs or move out (she's worried that her husband will lose joint custody of his two children). My sister expressed regret and a commitment to living drug- and alcohol-free. She started seeing a substance abuse counselor two times since the incident.

However, within the past week, she was found totally passed-out drunk -- twice! It was the final straw and our mom kicked her out. My sister insists that she's not drinking (despite the bottles of evidence) and offers the typical alcoholic excuses ("I was recycling the bottles for my friends"). In addition, she's been taking more than the recommended dosage of the prescription meds and it's likely that she's mixing the meds (Ambien and others, all non-narcotics) with alcohol.

My sister, when drunk/drugged, is completely obnoxious and abusive. and will talk about things that are utterly ridiculous. She'll make false accusations, yell excuses, cry, be confrontational, recall things that never happened, and just generally berate everyone.

We have always had an open policy with my niece getting phone calls (almost daily) from her mother, but I worry that my sister will start drunk-dialing her, too. I worry about the things she'll say to my niece on the unmonitored calls. I worry that my sister's behavior will permanently damage the relationship between her and her daughter. But mostly, I worry about my niece and I want to protect her from dealing with her mother in this state.

Last night, I decided to tell my niece that I was worried that her mom was drinking again and that I didn't want her to have to deal with her mom in that state. I gave her the choice: if she wants, I can talk to her mom first to see if she's "in her right mind", or I can let her talk to her mom first and if she's not "in her right mind" my niece could give me the phone. I told her that I wanted to protect her because she's only 11 and shouldn't have to deal with this. I also said that it was unfair that we give her mom a reward -- getting to talk to her daughter -- when she was doing bad things.

My niece opted for seeing for herself if her mom was in her right mind "for a little while". I could tell by her reaction that she was not happy with the news and really wanted to block out the reality of the situation (she squints her eyes closed when she's trying to block out information she doesn't like).

So, now I'm having second thoughts and thinking that I should have just taken on the role of gatekeeper without letting my niece know why. (FWIW, my husband didn't disagree with me, though; he sees all my sister's destructive actions as "white noise" -- barely registering with him anymore.)

So, did I do the wrong thing in letting her know about her mom's problem? How can I mitigate the damage I've done?

I feel like I'm relying on AskMe for help in raising my niece. Sorry about that!

deciding to be a parent with chronic illness

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 20:49:35 -0800

Having kids or not when you have chronic health issues: how did you decide and come to terms with it? I have severe and frequent migraines that have been interfering with my ability to hold work. I'm continuing to try different approaches to sort these things out and I'm trying to stay hopeful in this process. Now in my early 30s, I realize that I really want to have kids and finally believe that I might be okay at it. But I'm also starting to question how possible it would be for me to be pregnant and/or to be a good parent given how often my migraines affect my life. Given the medication I take preventatively and prophylactically, I can't imagine how I'd be able to endure without it for nine months no matter how much I'd want to. And given the needs of any child, let alone an infant, I really wonder how I'd be able to respond with the pain, no matter how much love, instinct, and help are involved.

These doubts and realizations have been hitting me hard lately. I've been open to being pregnant, to adopting, or choosing to not have kids at all, but I think lately it's the thought that perhaps I *shouldn't* have kids because of migraines that is the most painful to sort out. And I don't like the thread of entitlement in that reaction either. My partner would like to have kids but he'd rather see me suffer less; he is unwaveringly supportive. I feel really muddled in this and while of course, this is our decision, I'd really appreciate reading others' honest thoughts on this sort of situation.

This must happen more often than I think? How did you decide to have kids (in any way) or not if you have distracting health issues? How did you deal with medication? What do you wish you had or hadn't done? What perspectives and insights helped you accept your situation and choice? Thank you.

Cable TV is gone - what's an 11-year old to do?

parilous — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 12:02:10 -0800

My 11-year old niece is a TV addict - help us help her break the addiction! We recently were given legal guardianship of my 11-year old niece. Despite some initial fears and questionable quirks, she has adapted to life with us pretty well.

We quickly became aware of how excessive her TV watching habits were, and, in light of poor academic performance, we limited it to 3 hours a day. She is not overweight, so the TV hasn't affected her health in that way, but she has been diagnosed with ADD, Inattentive type. (Studies have shown links between excessive TV watching and attention problems.)

So, it didn't break our hearts when we decided to save ourselves $80 a month and cancel our cable TV subscription. It's breaking her heart, though, and she's transferred her TV habits to the computer (YouTube and nick.com).

This is a child who is gifted in drawing (and often draws while watching TV). She likes music (and often listens to music while watching TV). She likes to play videogames (and often plays videogames while watching TV). Obviously, she needs visual stimulus and TV provides it.

So, what can we do to limit her TV/Computer watching habits, short of disconnecting the internet or taking punitive actions?

FWIW:
* We have been very active in finding things to do on the weekends that get her away from the TV, but the minute she's home, she's back to watching TV programs. We've been told by her mother that we've taken her more places and done more things with my niece in the past 4 months than she has in as many years, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
* She doesn't/won't read and doesn't like to play outside. Obviously, these are habits that were set when she was young, so advice on how to change them is welcomed, too.
* She doesn't like school and doesn't want to do extracurricular activities at school.
* I have started a dialogue with the effect of TV on her adolescent brain. I even made little miniature "motivational" posters with factoids about TV and its effect on academic success and intelligence. (I fear that may be over the top, though!)