Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with parenting

Preparing for a major all-changing life event

altolinguistic — Mon, 20 May 2013 03:28:28 -0800

What should I remember to do when preparing for a life event that will take all my time and energy? The specific event is becoming a parent (I'm expecting my first child in the next few weeks) but I don't want to exclude non-parents from answering - I've found various threads on bulk cooking helpful, for example.

Things I've done so far:
buy stuff for the baby
cook some large meals for the freezer so we don't have to cook much in the first few weeks
change ISP to one with unlimited downloads to allow for new at-home lifestyle
make efforts to sort out household paperwork and finances
stock up on toilet paper, cat food, dishwasher tablets

People who have been new parents or have been through a time when you needed to be organised and ahead of things - what ideas have helped you in these times? What might I be forgetting? Specific recipes, ideas, pointers are very welcome. I currently have plenty of time (assuming the baby stays in there for a while) and varying levels of energy.

What is the best non-fiction book for kids in your field of study/work?

winston — Sat, 18 May 2013 12:17:35 -0800

My kids (currently 6 and 9) have become voracious readers. We have a large and varied collection of excellent fiction for them, but the non-fiction collection is more haphazard. They love learning new facts as they read (the type of thing that makes them look up from the book and say, "Did you know...?"). I want to make sure that the collection of books gives them a good introduction to fields where I myself may not have enough knowledge to judge the quality/accuracy of the book. So what's the kid's book in your field that makes you say, "If only every kid got to read this book, people would understand [topic] better."? If you don't know whether it's a suitable reading level for my kids' ages, go ahead and suggest it anyway. We can figure it out or save it for later.

Exercising with my pre-teen?

monster max — Wed, 15 May 2013 04:37:40 -0800

I'm a dad and my oldest - now a pre-teen, who this year started at high school - is always tired and hates exercise. She was very active when she was younger but pressures of long school hours and homework have squeezed all that out of the calendar. Plus of course she's the age when children's bodies dramatically change size and shape and that's perfectly normal. Given all that, what's the best way I can help her to stay as fit and healthy as possible? What has helped for your kids? With a long journey to and from school, plus homework and music practice plus some clubs, there's not much time left for being active and healthy. What have you found has helped with your children? Something we can do together - whether it's changing our diet or adding in exercise - would be ideal.

We went out running together a couple of times (I'm not especially fit but I do run a couple of times a week) but she found it really hard and says she hated it. Any ideas for making it more fun / less intimidating?

She used to have swimming lessons and is a good swimmer but I don't think either of us much fancy the whole ploughing-up-and-down-the-pool-with-eveyone-else thing. Is there something different we could do?

We could go cycling but the drivers in our town aren't very considerate of adults on bikes and I'd be seriously worried about her inexperience + impatient or thoughtless idiot in a car ending up in an accident. There's nowhere very nearby for trail riding - we'd have to drive there, which would make it so much hassle that realistically, we'd just not do it. I'm not sure that's the answer either.

(Mum isn't very active and little brother is thin as a rake and muscly as a ... erm ... muscly thing from martial arts, so I'm not sure a Happy Family Activity would be the thing either - he'd just run rings round her and drive her mad!)

Thanks in advance for any ideas from more experienced parents. I'd love us to find something we could enjoy together.

Are There Research/Data-Driven Parenting Books (that are readable)?

Anonymousness — Tue, 14 May 2013 10:27:41 -0800

We are expecting (twins) and we are devouring parenting books. We're not overly beholden to these books - we trust our own instincts. But it seems like a lot of these books are anecdotal, or old-fashioned. We'd love to find a book that is modern, research/data-driven, and at least a little enjoyable to read. The kind of book that someone who enjoys Lifehacker, RadioLab, BoingBoing, etc. would respond to. Any suggestions?

Explaining difficult topics to a toddler.

Jacob G — Sun, 05 May 2013 07:24:40 -0800

I have a 2 and half year old toddler (and another munchkin on the way.) He's getting to the point where he's starting to ask questions about my parents and my wife's parents and we're not quite sure how to tackle the topic. My wife's father is around and in our lives, so that's no problem. My wife's mother died about 20 years ago. My mother has also been dead for about 20 years and my father has been incarcerated for that time (and hopefully will remain so.)

I am an atheist and my wife is agnostic and we're just not sure what to say when our son says "Where's your momma?" We aren't opposed to him knowing the truth about our history at appropriate age/maturity, but obviously he's not there yet. We have lots of pictures around of his grandmothers, because it is important to my wife and I that he know about them and their existence. I intend to avoid any remotely detailed conversation about my father until he's much older.

We recently had to put our dog down due to illness and we told our son that "Daisy went to live with her puppy friends." We feel okay about that explanation, though he still asks about her nearly 3 months later, which is a little emotionally awkward, but not entirely unexpected I guess.

So, I guess I'm looking for advice or resources on how to talk about these more difficult topics with my toddler as gets more and more interested in them.

How many simple rules for dating my teenage daughter?

SomeTrickPony — Sun, 05 May 2013 06:14:48 -0800

My 15-yo daughter has been dating a guy for about a year, has recently become sexually active with him, and we're moving toward getting her on hormonal birth control. The fact that she even came to me to talk about this is a minor miracle. How can I encourage a sex-positive attitude? What boundaries and limits, if any, should I establish? My daughter is a HS sophomore. Parenting her has been challenging and a little non-standard because of her mental health issues--mood dysregulation and social anxiety primarily. She has always been super squicky about sex and so having a proper "sex talk" until now has been difficult--she would typically shut down the conversation with shouting or literal fingers-in-the-ears "lalala I can't hear you" behavior. She's even uncomfortable hearing the words bra or panty hose, for cripes sake.

So, there's this boy. She's been friends/special friends/boyfriend-girlfriend with him for a little over a year now. Parent's intuition told me that they were more than just friends, but she hasn't been comfortable talking with me about him as more than just a friend until recently. She finally opened up a couple nights ago about the true nature of their relationship, in a conversation that opened with "what would you think if I told you I had a boyfriend?" while she was balled up on the couch in the fetal position, clearly terrified that I would disapprove of her even dating, even though she should know that I am Not That Kind of Mom. We talked about dating and relationships, what I thought about her boyfriend, etc. etc.

After a long while we hit the nitty gritty, about sex and pregnancy and diseases and birth control. Although she was still super uncomfortable, she fought her natural urges to shut down the convo and we were able to talk through different options, pros and cons, and how any sort of hormonal birth control is going to require a doctor's visit and a prescription and the doctor will want to do a pelvic exam and what that involves, and how if she considers herself mature enough to have sex she needs to be mature enough to get through that. I was really proud of how she handled her end of the conversation, and it felt like a huge breakthrough in being able to discuss the topic.

Ok, so, I think we're making good progress on that front. I'm happy she's in a relationship (I've always said I was more worried about protecting the boys from her than protecting her from the boys), and I'm happy that she seems more relaxed on the subject of sex around her peers than she is when confronting it in the context of adults.

What I'm not so sure about is the "then what?" What rules, limitations, guidelines, or admonitions are within the realm of appropriate in this day and age and that align with my values? (Those values, in a nutshell, are that "saving yourself for marriage" is not advisable, that sex should be fun, that sex shouldn't be something that men "want/take" and women "accept/give", anti-slut-shaming, pro non-heteronormative, protect yourself from disease, and you gotta be prepared to deal with the consequences). How do these things work out on the ground after "the talk" and after the decision is made to allow your teen daughter to be on BC? (I'm thinking about things like rules about boys in the bedroom, that kind of stuff...) What do I do about this tiny voice that is screaming "but she's TOO YOUNG!!" Is that the just the same voice that will be screaming "but she's TOO YOUNG!!" in the extremely near future when she starts learning to drive?

Do you have any resources for parent you recommend? I've been searching The Green and haven't found much on this particular topic; please point me toward any previouslies you think might be helpful.

(If it's relevant in terms of what will other parents might expect, we live in a liberal-leaning major metro area)

Is my child not cut out for daycare?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:08:33 -0800

We switched to a new daycare center a little less than a year ago and for at least the past six months, my daughter has been having a hard time. Everything always seemed fine at the old center and had close relationships with the caregivers. However, we're now wondering if perhaps there were things they weren't telling us.

The daycare we're at now seems to be high quality. There are low ratios compared to other schools in the area, activities during the day, and the teachers are well-qualified. The director and teachers are concerned about my daughter and actively want to help. We're all just at a bit of a loss for what to do.

When we drop-in to visit, the other kids seem happy and well-adjusted. My daughter has her good moments but the teachers report that she gets really frustrated when other kids get in her space and will often go a long period of time (up to an hour) being very unhappy. She also has a hard time post-nap.

She has trouble calming down after getting very upset and occasionally will bite herself. The biting has never happened at home and really worries us.

She is usually pretty happy at home, with the exception of the bad nap wakeups. Since she's two, there are definitely frustrating moments, but for us and the occasional babysitters, she's generally a lot of fun. When she gets super upset, she has a lot of trouble communicating, which I think is contributing to the problem. We've tried to encourage her to talk when she is most upset.

She went through a terrible sleep spell as well but that has been a lot better for the past couple of months as well.

She seems to have close relationships with a number of her little friends so we are hesitant to pull her out. Plus, given that she doesn't seem to be responding that well to this environment, we are not sure what a good alternative is. We've thought about trying to find a nanny-share or finding a way to do a half day preschool program. Mostly, we just feel stuck and unclear about what to do next. If she was one, then I would be looking into home daycares, but it seems like she is approaching the age where she's a little too old for them. It also took her about two months to adjust to this environment so we'd hate to cause her even more stress by needlessly changing her environment. Most of all, we just want to make sure she's in good hands during the day. She's in daycare 30-35 hours a week now.

The strangest part is that she is excited to go to school in the morning and doesn't want to leave in the afternoon.

A few questions:
1) As an outsider, what would you do? Unfortunately, we can't afford to have either parent stay home and don't have any relatives nearby. We also have a very limited budget.
2) If you've dealt with something similar before, how did your child do long-term? Was daycare a scarring experience? What would you have done differently if you could have a do-over?

How do I help my tween not hurt herself accidentally on purpose?

marionett gjorda av strumpor — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 11:26:29 -0800

My tween daughter recently had a minor but serious accident that required a visit to the emergency room and a few days on narcotic painkillers. During this time she missed school, skipped homework and other normal activities, and basically got a lot of attention and concern from relatives and friends, and of course me, her mother. Now, having recovered, she's articulated that she misses all that special attention and has explicitly said that she wants to get hurt again. She is under the care of mental health professionals for various issues most concisely characterized as social and perhaps generalized anxiety and maybe some attachment issues (her father has not been present since she was a toddler). She also has a lot of inappropriate attention-seeking behaviors, however she's never purposely hurt herself, though on two occasions she has threatened to. She is a "drama queen" but I have worried that her line between reality and playacting can get blurred and she might actually try to hurt herself.

Her health professionals and teachers are all on board and attentive to all of these issues, but the questions I have for the hive are these: How do you counter all that positive attention that comes when someone (especially a kid) is genuinely sick or injured? If this happens again, could (or should?) I somehow try to get the relatives and friends to not be so effusive and concerned in the face of what may truly be a serious situation? How can I help her know that injury or illness are not good ways to get special attention? How can I try to redirect her before she heads down what I'm scared is going to be a risk-taking path toward attention-getting and/or emotion expression?

How do I find a MAPP class in NYC?

Anonymous — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 08:16:57 -0800

My spouse and I want to be foster parents in New York City. The whole system is exasperatingly decentralized, but we've gone to two orientations, filled out reams upon reams of paperwork, gotten physicals, put down 28 years of address history on our SCR forms. Now we need to take a MAPP training. The catch is that the agency nearest us holds the training Monday and Thursday nights. I work Thursday nights, so that is out. I've been calling agencies trying to find an open MAPP class, to no avail so far. So I'm wondering if the MeFi hive mind has any insights on finding an open MAPP class in NYC. MAPP, for the uninitiated is "Model Approaches ot Partnership Parenting" or something. It's a 5-10 week series of classes designed to prepare you for foster parenting.

PS. I went back and forth about asking this anonymously. I realize that the harm of attaching my name to a question like this is probably close to nil, but I still feel awkward attaching my name to our quest to foster.

When to start kindergarten for a late-November-birthday?

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:56:35 -0800

My four-year-old son’s birthday is in late November. In our state, that means we can choose whether he starts (all-day) kindergarten this coming fall, when he’s 4-going-on-5, or next year, when he’ll be 5-going-on-6. I’m pretty paralyzed over this decision. I’m looking for insights, especially those with some sort of data behind them, to help. Specifics:

We’re in a middle-class town in Connecticut. Our neighborhood public elementary school seems really good. Our son is in pre-school in the neighborhood 2 mornings a week, so he knows about a dozen kids, most of whom will be starting kindergarten next year (there are some with January-Feb birthdays who will not, though).

We know many families with kids starting school in the fall and the kids seem like a really good group, and it’s kids he’d already be comfortable around. One of his potential classmate’s mothers is a teacher and has encouraged us to enroll him this fall, her opinion is you can always repeat kindergarten if it’s not working out, but you can’t skip a grade to catch up if you’re not being challenged.

He also attends a different pre-k program at a parochial school in town. He’s there two mornings a week. If we don’t send him to kindergarten, he’ll still do some pre-k 4 or 5 half-days a week.

So he has 4 half-days a week of school now. In talking with his teachers, they say he could do fine academically and socially at kindergarten if we choose to send him.

He’d been delayed to develop speech and received speech therapy from age 2 to 3. At 3 he was judged to be OK (care would’ve transitioned from a state service to the town schools) and stopped getting services. He’s also painfully shy and won’t speak above a whisper at school or in a social setting (friend’s house, birthday party, etc).

So although I’ve blanketed you with details about our personal situation, I’m actually more interested in any data that might be out there as to kids’ success based on the age they start school. Thanks.

How did you get your child to stop chewing on their shirt sleeves/collar

drezdn — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:43:51 -0800

If your kindergarten-aged child chewed on their shirt sleeves or collar, how did you get them to stop?

Is there such a thing as parenting therapy?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 19:28:42 -0800

I'm a first time mom. My son has some special needs that are causing me a considerable amount of stress. We are working with specialists to address his needs and we have a ton of support in that arena - it will be a long process but will likely eventually be corrected. My concern is more about me. I'm a perfectionist and not a very patient person. I was somewhat conflicted about having children as I didn't think I would be very maternal, and to some extent that fear has been borne out (I am not doing it again, no way). I have no experience with kids outside of my own. And while I love him very much, I feel like I'm on the borderline of making his issues worse with my issues. His delays can make me very angry, even though I logically know he's not doing it on purpose. I feel like my parenting is being judged every time he fails an evaluation. And I know that my anger, anxiety, and stress are being picked up by him and probably exacerbating the issue. (To be clear, I'm not abusive - I totally understand the difference between wanting to shake your child and actually shaking your child, but I hate that I have to leave him in his room to go calm myself down on a daily basis. I don't think that's normal.)

It's important to me that my child have a mother who isn't making his life worse. I need patience, coping skills, something that I don't have. I want to be able to remind myself that he's not doing this to frustrate me, and act towards him in a way that helps him. I think I basically want to change a part of my personality - the part that loses my cool after five minutes of him screaming. Today it's his special needs, but tomorrow it'll be the regular power struggles that any kid or teenager goes through.

I'm not sure what kind of help I'm looking for. Is there parenting therapy or training, particularly in developing patience? I need someone who is going to give me skills that I can put into practice, not just a shoulder to cry on (although I probably need that too).

Does this exist? What's it called? Are there books and websites I can use to start working on things myself? Who should I be asking for a referral, and what am I asking to be referred to?

Politely parenting my kid's playdates?

Bardolph — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 10:28:25 -0800

My preschooler is getting just old enough to have a proper social life (playdates, birthday parties, etc.). I've got some specific questions about the parental etiquette expectations surrounding these kiddie get-togethers. Since my husband and I are busy introverts, we've never really done any parent meetups or playgroups or any kind of organized socialization; little B (4ish) has played with other kids pretty much exclusively ad-hoc on the playground, or at school/daycare. As she gets old enough to get invites to more directed kinds of socializing, though, I'm wondering what the current conventions are for parent involvement in this stuff. Specifically:

--Playdates: must we stop by and introduce ourselves as parents a couple days before the date? May we, if we'd like to from a safety standpoint? Can we ask where the kids would be playing? Should we provide this info unasked if/when other people are checking us out?

--Likewise, on playdates at other people's houses, is one of us expected to stay there the whole time? If not, is it OK for one of us to stay there, just to keep an eye on things? May/should we follow the kids around the house, or do we stay seated in whatever adult space we're offered? If we do stay, do we have to chat with the other parent the whole time (ugh), or is it cool to bring a book or some work or something?

-- For playdates at our house: must/should we invite the other parents to stay? If they do stay, do we have to hang out with them the whole time? (please please say we don't)

-- Ditto birthday parties: do we stay? Do we help? Must we chat? Do we follow the kids?

-- Post-encounter thank-you notes (from us/her): required? expected? And in response to which invites?

-- And lastly, any other do's/don'ts we should be aware of?

As you may have guessed, I'm kind of dreading the whole thing, both from a safety standpoint (just read Protecting the Gift, which is very eloquent on the potential for creepy sexual violence from friends' random elder brothers, uncles, fathers, etc.) and in terms of the social requirements for myself-- so it'd be particularly helpful to know what the bounds of decorum are on the high-supervision, but low-social-engagement, end of the spectrum. Location, if it matters, is middle-class suburban USA. Thanks!

Looking for wonderful books I can read to my kids, one chapter at a time

zarq — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 14:06:09 -0800

My kids (a boy and a girl) are now five years old, and my wife or I read to them every night before bed. I'd like to start reading larger books to them which we can stretch out throughout a week or more, by reading them a chapter a night. Please help me put together a great reading list of age-appropriate books that will capture their imaginations and inspire happy dreams. My initial thought was to start with CS Lewis' Through the Looking Glass and AA Milne's When We Were Very Young. Are they too dated?

The series listed in this question seem more appropriate for older kids.

Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

Advice on how to deal with abusive ex and his girlfriend

sfts2 — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 04:03:53 -0800

The 16 yo daughter of a lady I am good friends with was contacted after an argument by the fiance of her ex-husband regarding how to deal with a borderline abusive situation at home. The discussion evidently even went to far as to see if the daughter could advise her whether to go to a hotel or home to sleep with him. My friend feels this very inappropriate. Is it a big deal? She is very upset and is contemplating a measured response and future plan to stop this from happening ever again. She would like to do so without alienating her daughter (who seems to enjoy the attention) or poisoning the future relationship with her daughters dad and soon to be stepmom. Her and I both agree that she is probably on track to become another abused spouse and ought to leave the relationship - but right now that will not happen. I know the mefi crowd is sensitive, smart, and probably a good place to get some input, any thoughts?

How do I let a four year old know when she needs to listen?

Clambone — Mon, 18 Mar 2013 07:12:19 -0800

I let my four-year-old niece get the best of me in a lot of our play. How can I teach her when she needs to listen? I am the uncle of a couple of sweet little girls, age 2 and 4, whom I see once or twice a week. The other adults in the family that I married into all speak a language that I don't speak, so when we visit, the other adults generally converse in that language, and I play with the girls. I really love it; it's the highlight of my week.

I'm starting to get a little concerned that a lot of my play with the four year old centers around her getting the best of me in some way. Usually, it's something harmless or imaginary:
- she'll pretend that she's eating my hair and making me bald;
- she tells me that I have three four, five or more eyes;
- she pretends to throw a ball, keeps it, and yells "I tricked you!";
- she sneaks a sticker onto me and then laughs.

That kind of thing.

However, it isn't always harmless. This weekend, we went to a large fair with tens of thousands of people, and she took her shoes off and wouldn't put them back on. Another time, she put a little piece of Styrofoam in her mouth, and when I told her to take it out, she smiled with the same "I'm being naughty" smile that she would give when pretending to eat my hair. I think she swallowed some of it. More seriously, I started to get afraid that she would dart out into the street when we were walking next to traffic- she didn't do it, but she teased me with it. If I hadn't been been holding her hand so tightly, maybe she would have.

I know that she's not the first kid in the world to take her shoes off, or to eat something she shouldn't. But I'm worried that I've let her learn a bad lesson- that it's fun to do the opposite of what Uncle Clambone says. It's harmless enough until it isn't; she doesn't know when I'm being serious, and she doesn't know what's safe and what isn't. Tone of voice doesn't do it.

Any advice?

The quest to Cat Lady-dom

thank you silence — Sun, 17 Mar 2013 17:50:07 -0800

I don't think I want kids and that scares me. I am a 25 year old single female who works part time, is in grad school fulltime, and pretty much is enjoying life at this point. I know I have a good decade or so before I really have to make this decision, but now more than ever I really feel like I don't want kids. And this scares me.

Probably because I feel like if I wanted kids, my life could follow some sort of 'plan,' the kind of plan many people intend to pursue, the kind that is socially acceptable and encouraged. I know it's 2013 and there are plenty of people who don't want or can't have children, but I still fear that I will miss out by not doing so. I live in a part of the US where a strong emphasis is placed on marriage and family (which I don't mind, really) and that most men I come in contact with want to have kids. What if I can't find anyone who also doesn't want kids? The thing is, I haven't ruled out the possibility that I will change my mind in the future but I'm not counting on it. So kids for me are a no, but I can't say say they will always be a no.

I guess I'm wondering what life is like if you choose to not have kids. Do you feel like you missed out? I'm worried that eventually all my friends will be busy parenting and I'll be by myself, sitting alone on Christmas Eve and missing out on some essential experience. Of course those are not justifiable reasons to have kids, but I sort of have the feeling that people jump into procreation with a "well, why not?" attitude and everyone seems to exalt parenting.

I'm worried that my decision makes me some sort of cold, selfish freak who will inevitably end up alone. Anecdata, plz.

Wonderful 4 Year Old Son Likes Girly Stuff - No Problem! Right?

stewieandthedude — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 14:32:39 -0800

My wonderful 4-year old son wants lots of girly things. I want nothing more than to support him and help him grow into the person he wants to be. My only question is, is there anything that a loving, responsible, progressive parent should do to protect him from hurt, possible bullying etc. He wanted his finger nails painted, we did it, he wanted pink tights, we got them for him, he wants hair clips, we plan on getting them for him. He wants all of these things pretty badly - they aren't things he mentioned once and then dropped. It is interesting because it has given me an opportunity to really examine my own feelings on this in a "rubber meets the road" kind of way. Bottomline: I really don't care. I want him to be happy, fulfilled, etc. If that is wearing pink tights and hair clips, more power to him.

But, I am a little bit concerned (and no, I don't think I'm using this just as a cover to really feeling uncomfortable about it myself) about kids making fun of him and eventually bullying him. When all is said and done, I think I ultimately take the position that: he is only 4, he may not even want to do this kind of boundary pushing into the age where he's going to face more bullying, and, even if he does, I know that parents can't really protect their kids completely from that kind of thing. I have ultimately concluded (though I welcome your ideas on this) that the best thing I can do for him is love him completely and support him in whatever expressions of himself he wants to make. When he does encounter mean kids or bullying, I can continue to support him. I'm not naive about the nature of the world - I know he'll face those things, but he's going to learn eventually that there are mean people in the world - at least he'll know he has his parents in his corner.

Ultimately my question is - does this sound right? Any other thoughts on ways to approach this that both support him and, in a loving, constructive way, minimize the pain that may come from his choosing to buck traditional gender confines? (I acknowledge he's only 4 and it is a complicated question of whether he is bucking gender confines or that he simply likes pink things and doesn't have any concept of the gender implications).

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

dean winchester — Mon, 11 Mar 2013 10:09:49 -0800

Our teenage son's voice is so low and hoarse that none of us can hear it. Every one of his teachers has complained that this is causing problems. My son, tired of repeating himself, has started communicating by nodding, shaking his head and shrugging, which makes his teachers treat him as sullen and uncooperative. Which in turn has actually made him sullen and uncooperative.

My husband, who can only hear within a certain range, cannot have a conversation with him at all. This has led them to arguments and misgivings, in excess of the usual father/son dynamic.

I have spectacular hearing, and I can only get the gist of what he's saying or asking if there is no other competing noise. He and I are very close and talk often and openly. Because I can hear him, I'm actually the parent he confides in, to the point of making me a "middleman" in conversations between he and my husband. If I'm where I can't see him and he's speaking, or where I can't hear him no matter what, he will repeat himself two or three times (to no avail) and finally just decide that he doesn't need to speak after all, lapsing into long silences.

My husband has an appointment with an otolaryngologist to finally get a full hearing exam and fitting for hearing aids (his first in over a decade due to financial issues). Our son has an appointment scheduled for his standard physical to make sure this isn't a medical issue, though I'm not sure he'll actually speak to the doctor to relay this (he's 16; should I be going in with him?).

His high school counselor is pushing us to get him involved in drama, but my son is super-reserved and not inclined in this direction, and looks at me in horror when I suggested a vocal coach.

Does anyone here have experience with this? Is there anything we could be doing differently, or that we're not taking into consideration?

Second-time parenting, how does that work?

Bardolph — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 08:07:00 -0800

Tell me about your daily schedules, parenting logistics, etc., with a newborn plus a toddler or older child. Our second child is due this summer-- existing daughter will be 4ish at that point, and home except for a two-hour preschool 3x per week. My partner is a great and active parent, but I'll be home doing most of the daytime childcare for at least the first few months.

With Daughter, we took full advantage of the wealth of internet advice on first-time parenting, and thanks to that info, I feel like we did get the hang of things fairly readily. This time around, though, I've been surprised (and a little freaked out) by how much less information seems to be available on the practical details of adding a new baby to an existing family system. Not too worried about the emotional aspects of adjusting, etc.; but I am pretty perplexed about the logistics of things-- like, for example:

First time around I used baby's naps to do housework and catch up on desperately-needed sleep of my own. Now that there's another kid to be looked after while the baby sleeps, will I just never sleep, and never get any housework done?

Standard preschooler naps (early afternoon) are timed in precise opposition to standard baby naps (late morning, late afternoon). If, at any given point, somebody (not me, ugh) is always napping, then how is it possible to ever get out of the house for shopping, air, etc.?
Daughter has always been an ultra-light sleeper-- we currently do a lot of tiptoeing while she's sleeping, and she still wakes up in the morning when our (quiet) alarm goes off in our bedroom down the hall. With a new baby who may him/herself be similarly disposed, how does one avoid the apocalyptic scenario where somebody's always waking somebody else up, so that nobody ever gets back to sleep?
IIRC, nursing/changing/dressing the baby was a fairly big production every morning-- like, 30 minutes of solid occupation. Dressing Daughter is much less of a production now, but still requires periodic management. How are multiple high-maintenance morning routines to be made compatible with the cooking of breakfast, so that Spouse can get off to work on time?

And so forth. Basically, I know this has done zillions of times throughout history, but I'm still having a hard time getting my head 'round it; so if anyone has insights/ anecdotes/ hacks/ suggestions on coordinating simultaneous full-time parenting of baby + kid, I'd love to hear them. Recommendations for other resources would be wonderful, as well, if there's stuff I'm missing out there. Thanks so much!

Miiiiiiiine!

Omnomnom — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 13:06:36 -0800

Toddler possessiveness is so commonplace I feel a little ridiculous for needing help with it. But I have no idea how to act as a parent on the playground, when my almost-2-year-old refuses to let anyone play with what she is playing. At the playground we go to, most people know each other from sight and it's the culture that as long as you look around and attempt to ask the kids are allowed to play with each others' bobby cars, doll strollers, chalks and balls. The other mothers also bring a lot of snacks and encourage the kids to share. I really like this.

For instance, my girl did not want to play with her ball. But she did not want anyone else to play with it either. She wanted me to hold her ball so that nobody else could get at it. Attempts to share ("first you kick the ball and then the girl kicks it!") were unacceptable.

She also does the usual things of trying to push other kids away from the steering wheel etc.

I am not sure how much I ought to intervene and how to do it. My neighbour, who has two bright, well adjusted and friendly children says that as long as the children are more or less the same age she pretty much keeps out of it unless someone cries or gets hurt. She says it's not good to keep interfering with the kids' social interactions. But she also says she gets the evil eye from a lot of other moms.

I myself was a loner as a kid and others tended to take my stuff while I stayed put and cried. I have a few hang ups about that and don't want to pass them on to my child. I want to have her back but I also don't want to encourage her to be antisocial.

Do you have any concrete suggestions about what to say and how to deal with the WAAAAAAAh?

How do I help my four-year-old learn to not be an asshole?

mindsound — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 13:47:10 -0800

My wife and I are wrestling mightily with parenting our four-year-old daughter, who is an asshole. I use the word "asshole" because we are taken aback by how mean and insulting and nasty she can be. I know we are supposed to love her unconditionally but we are struggling to deal with who she is rather than how she acts... Help! We expected tantrums and we expected to correct spoiled and selfish behavior, but we didn't expect a four-year-old who scowls, and spits, and refuses to speak, and sometimes says she hates us. The pattern we are trying to break is a pattern of brinksmanship where she either gets what she wants or ruins the whole family's day, including her own, by being truculent. And while we try to take everything in stride, it just doesn't seem like other children her age are nearly this ... assholey.

We try to use positive discipline. We try to give dispassionate, constructive consequences in response to her bad behavior. We try really really hard not to spank. We forgive a lot. We try to wipe the disciplinary slate clean and continue to give her rewards and enriching experiences. But I feel like we're just sliding downhill as our daily life becomes less and less pleasant and more and more antagonistic. She is especially good at pushing my wife's buttons and she pushes them every chance she gets. It hurts to be hurt by her. It hurts to watch her sit around and be unhappy. This sucks.

She's brilliant and funny and perceptive and unusually literate and articulate for her age and all this gets shadowed behind her growling and slamming herself in her room and saying hateful things and sobbing and it sucks.

The other big stressor in our situation is her baby sister, who is a wonderful easy baby during the day and who wrestles with serious sleep problems at night. We're operating on 14 months and counting of interrupted sleep and ... at the end of the day we have two kids' worth of parenting to do. Sometimes we feel like we're direly ignoring our older daughter's increasing needs just to try and get some rest.

We have discussed family therapy but we're on a tight monthly budget and our insurance covers nothing worth mentioning. :(

What would you all do? Do you have suggestions for correcting her behavior? Do you have suggestions to prevent her meltdowns from affecting us so badly? I need a strategy and I just don't have one.

Help me learn to play with my daughter

elizamina — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 17:05:55 -0800

I have a beautiful, curious, 8 month old daughter. I love her, but I don't know how to play with her. Help! I'm a first time mother (obviously?). I work part-time in the mornings and then I'm home with my daughter in the afternoons. This is not something I love doing (and I'll be going back to work FT next school year), but I want to figure out how to do it better.

I cuddle my daughter all the time. I talk to her. I sing to her. I feed her, hold her, bathe her, rock her, smile and coo at her, tickle her... but I feel like I don't know how to play with her. When the nanny comes over in the mornings, she gets out the toys and plays with her like she's been doing it for years (which, uh, she has, but still). When I'm with her in the afternoons, I do all of the above, but how do I play with her?

She is often content to explore on the floor by herself with her toys or other objects. When she wants my attention, I put her in my lap, cuddle her and sing to her. But what else can I do? How can I play with an 8-month old and make her feel loved in doing so? What's a good amount of playtime with mommy vs. independent time with herself?

Sorry if this is tl;dr. Long and short of it: help me learn to play with my daughter.

How can I thank parents for doing a fantastic job?

brynna — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 08:23:31 -0800

How can I (should I?) thank parents for doing a fantastic job? I'm a teacher. In my role, I come across all types of parents.

However, there are just some parents that are doing a darn good job of raising their kids (in my opinion and relative to other parents I encounter).

For instance, I have one student whose parent encourages him to be polite, gives him chores, and administers consequences when he does not meet expectations. As a result, this child is extremely polite (asking if he can carry things for me, etc) and responsible.

I have another student who lost his father - his grandmother is his caregiver now. She seems overwhelmed with the responsibility, but constantly puts his well-being first (seeking counseling for him, etc.)

I feel a little silly asking this, but I would love to recognize these parents in a private way. In a quick email, a letter, etc. Something along the lines of "Keep it up - your kid is awesome!"

However, as I do not have kids of my own, I'm not sure this would be a welcome gesture. Any suggestions on whether this is a good idea and/or how to phrase it would be welcome.

What to do with my last month on maternity leave?

derivation — Sat, 02 Feb 2013 13:32:55 -0800

I don't want to miss out on things in my last month of being home with my daughter before going back to work. Is there anything you wish you did before starting work full time? Anything that you wish you didn't do? Suggestions on things to do with the baby. Or for myself.

My daughter is two and a half months old if that makes a difference.