Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with parenting

Best tech gift for new dad: Wii or Pocket Video Camera?

thenewbrunette — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:59:58 -0800

Holiday gift for husband and our "new" family: Wii or Pocket Video Camera? Our first child is due a week after Christmas, and this upcoming event is informing my holiday shopping. I generally buy one "big ticket" item for my husband and am torn between a compact digital video camera (either the Kodak Zi8 or Flip camera) or a Wii system.

Pros for each:
Wii--1) He has expressed interest in one in the past; 2) we live in Minnesota and are in for a long, sequestered winter with a newborn. The Wii may be a source of moderate physical activity during this period, as well as enjoyment -- (I'm aware that we'll be doing very little of anything beyond sleeping and caring for the baby for several months!)

Pocket video camera--1)All of our family is out of state or the country, so sending videos would be a great way for grandparents, aunts and uncles to keep in touch with the baby; 2) we're planning a family trip next summer in the U.K. and it would be great to capture the experience without lugging a more cumbersome camera along with us.

Cons for each:
Wii--1) Last year, went to Best Buy and tried one together but the results were disappointing. The wand didn't work properly, it was difficult to control and was a frustrating experience. Possible that the "store model" was overused or damaged, but curious to hear your experiences with the system.

Pocket camera--1)We've tried out the Flip Camera, small screen, seems a bit dinky, and I have questions about battery life. 2)Also, unsure of ease of use with a MacBook Pro.

In summary: please share your experiences with one or both items. Bonus points for moms and dads with young kids--which would you prefer?

What is the best children's music without branding & popular characters?

raddevon — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:34:48 -0800

What is the best children's music without branding & popular characters? I've already found a couple of gems like Snacktime by The Barenaked Ladies and some of the TMBG stuff, but I would like some more music for my five-year-old daughter. I would love stuff that she and I can enjoy together. I'm only interested in albums that are not connected to massive marketing machines like Disney, Barney, Dora, and the like.

Crying over poured milk. Why?

lexfri — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:29:23 -0800

My 3-year-old daughter suddenly hates drinking milk. Mealtimes are rife with tears and battles of will. How can we get her to drink milk happily and eagerly again? Anya has drunk milk well since she stopped nursing around 16 months. Very recently, she's been complaining that she doesn't want to drink her milk and would prefer water. This seems like normal, 3-year-old testing of life, limits, and controls. We're fine with that.

But seriously, we want her to drink milk. What do we do? We've tried other fun cups, "three small cups" instead of one big cup, "calls" to teachers and doctors who urge Anya to drink, etc. Each method works — sometimes.

Our approach doesn't scale, and we recognize that. We want to stop making such a big deal out of this, but still impress upon Anya that while she can control some things — the color of the cup, the order we eat breakfast foods — that milk is important. We're supplementing with other dairy options, but that doesn't get to the heart of my question:

How can we get her drinking milk again, without thrice-daily emotional breakdowns?

Help me explain autism to my child

Lulu's Pink Converse — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:14:08 -0800

How do I explain autism to my six-year-old? We were watching a tv program that featured a family where five of the six children were diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum, and my daughter was asking questions about autism, what it is, etc. What's an age-appropriate explanation? My daughter is a bright, compassionate, pretty average kid. We've always talked about how different people have different abilities, how their bodies might look different or work in different ways. She's had some experience with this herself, as she has vision issues that require wearing an eye patch for part of each day along with some pretty heavy-duty glasses. So she takes physical differences pretty much in stride.

But she's not had a lot of one-on-one interaction with people who may not be neurotypical. We want to continue our explanations in the vein of "different people have different abilities", but she's asking a lot of questions about why and how, etc, etc. Any suggestions on what to say or not say, any resources - especially kid's books - would be most welcome! Thanks!

Is the cure baby aspirin? Because I'll take some .

Anonymous — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:55:29 -0800

Baby Fever... The biological clock is ticking hard. While I realize it is totally natural, and I know that eventually I want children, how do I calm the hell down? I feel such a huge sadness when I think that it might never happen... The stats: 29 year old female, single. Lots of dating experience, long term and short-term-fun-times. I feel confident in who I am, and the cool little life I'm making for myself. Gainfully employed in a fun industry I love. Have yet to meet a man I feel I want to marry and/or have kids yet. Ideally, those things would go together.

There's been other questions in AskMifi in regards to "holy crap where did this baby fever come from, I dont want kids??!!" I've always wanted kids. But at this point in my life, the desire seems overwhelming and crippling. I have babysat a lot, I have friends and co-workers with children, and I love spending time with them. I know it is not nearly the same thing as having your own, but even on that level - I feel a huge longing after being with the kiddos. I know that when/if I do have kids, it isnt a picnic.

This is the only thing in my whole life where I feel like I am on a deadline. If someone could just tell me "oh, dont worry, you will have kids when you are 31" I'd stop worrying about it. I don't even want them right now, next week or even possibly next year - I still enjoy my freedom, I work a ton, I dont have the finances quite yet, and... I havent met that guy yet.

I'm just really facing this overwhelming dread that it is never going to happen. To compound matters, a striking number of adult, childless females in my life keep telling me that I should just get knocked up by whatever guy I'm with. These are strong, beautiful women with great minds, careers, lives... yet they say this with almost a desperation in their eyes that, as you can imagine, does not help that dread.

It hasnt gotten to the point where I'm actually thinking about just getting knocked up, but it does color a lot of my thinking - Am I in a job where I can have kids in the next few years? (Good future thinking) Are any of these guys I'm dating have any father potential? (Not bad future thinking) Should I just pick one to hurry up, marry, get knocked up by and see what happens? (Not... so good.) Everyone keeps telling me how great I am with kids, and when am I going to have my own... I know they mean well and it is a compliment, but it just evokes this huge sadness in my heart, a fear that it will never happen. Any advice for combating this?

Note: I do not equate wanting a kid with absolutely having to have a kid. I'm not just going to get pregnant and have a baby because then everything will be happy and rainbows will fly across the sky with unicorns. I realize there are many elements of my life that have to come together to support a healthy, happy parenthood.

Cites please!

Go Banana — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 08:08:13 -0800

What do I say to well-meaning people trying to dissuade me from the flu shot? As an immuno-compromised individual, and a mother of a young child, I'm pretty keen on the whole flu shot thing. Problem is I've got loads of people sending me stuff like this trying to persuade me not to do it. This ties into a larger (and disturbing) trend among mommies today that if you really love your children, you won't subject them to the evils of vaccination. (The chemicals! The horror!) So....what do I say to such folk? More importantly, what helpful links can I send them in return? My policy so far has been to smile and nod, and when pressed lightly explain that I love needles and chemicals, the more the merrier. I'm looking for something that more actively contradicts my well-meaning friends, and perhaps changes their minds.

Generative music toys

Homeskillet Freshy Fresh — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:12:45 -0800

I'm looking for a generative music toy for my three year old autistic son. Hunter has been responding to Bloom, Brian Eno's iPod app, enthusiastically. He is starting to learn note placement and understands shaking resets it, so I'm looking for something similar but more ruggedly built than my iPod for him to play with.

The is nanny to the mother and the son.

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:52:40 -0800

I'm a nanny for a woman who's been unemployed for 2.5 months and is now depressed. The means she is a) home ALL THE TIME, and b) driving me absolutely crazy. What, if anything, can I say? I am a nanny to a lovely three year old, and have been his nanny since he was born. I get along excellently with the parents, too. Except that for the past two and a half months, the mother has fallen behind on freelancing gigs and has consequently parked herself in the studio loft and hasn't moved since. As anyone who has taken care of someone else's child knows, having the mother in plain sight for the whole day is REALLY awkward: I feel like I'm being watched, and that every minor scrape is attributed to my incompetence rather than his toddler playing. The loft is open and no walls separate the living room from the kitchen from the computer room from the bedroom, so she can't shut herself away. The mother used to do work at cafes to get out of the house, but since she got depressed she now she spends most of her time on Facebook and BBC.com at home. I think she's discouraged by the job market, as she keeps saying she's never had to wait this long to get more work, but I also can't help noticing that she spent an awful lot of time making a Mad Men avatar and IMing friends (she keeps the volume on high). These are things she could at least do at a cafe outside the home.

Because the kid is totally obsessed with whatever is happening on computers, I can't keep him from scrambling into the mother's lap every 5 minutes while she Googles her old ex-boyfriends. We've literally spent 90% of our days walking for hours around outdoors (he no longer takes naps), but the weather is getting cooler and the forecasts predict snow next week. I am also exhausted from toting this kid outside for 8 hours just so we're not under his mother's feet. She says, "Oh I don't mind if you're here, and don't mind me," but again, that's easier said than done, especially for her.

Recently the mother asked me if we could pare down my week to 4 days since they're "hemorrhaging money," which I begrudgingly agreed to do because I love the kid too much to just leave when the going gets tough, but I'm not happy about a decrease in my paycheck. This is doubly annoying now that the mother keeps turning down job offers because they don't pay enough or she thinks she can find something better.

I know I can leave this job, and I'm considering it, but I'm looking for more of a compromise. I'm a pretty damn hireable nanny and she knows I get job offers on the playground, so I feel like I have a bit more power in this dynamic than most people have with their bosses. Though I can't ask her to magically get another acceptable gig, can I gently request that she leave the house for a bit every day so her son and I aren't exiled to the bookstore for four hours? The cashiers are starting to think we're homeless. My feet are sore, the kid is sick of his stroller, we've run out of places to see, and soon the weather won't be very nice. Can I say something yet?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

So now, my kid is a shoplifter. Grumpy neighbor relations ensue.

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:15:32 -0800

My kid spent the night with his friend. The next day, thinking he's still at the friend's house, I get a phone call from the local grocery store. Seems my kid was shoplifting. Now, both of the mom's involved are angry with each other. I'm posting this anonymously, because I don't want my son to find this. The details are kind of ugly. Throwaway email at shopliftersmom@gmail.com. Apologies for the length.

The boys are 12 and 13. Mine is the younger one.

My son spent the night with his best friend. I'm friends and neighbors with the parents. The boys have had sleepover pretty often, both here and there. The last time their boy was over, we caught him smoking in the bathroom after we'd hidden every possible bit of tobacco and alcohol in the house. He's been known to steal cigarettes from his own parents and has been, in general, a troubled kid.

Saturday afternoon, I thought my boy was still at the friend's place, playing video games or whatever, when I get the call from the local grocery store. My son had been caught shoplifting.

I went and picked him up. The people there were more than reasonable. Actually, they were very, very kind. They'd even considered just letting him go, but I was glad they didn't. I figure if you're going to get in trouble, you might as well learn a lesson from it. He and his friend had walked there and my son said he was thirsty, but had no money, so he took a soda. We've been shopping at this place for years. They know me, my kids, and the other family involved. The store also has the best water fountain in town, just for the record.

He says his friend had no idea of what he'd done, which I find hard to believe. He'd asked them to let his friend go home, and they did.

Here's the tricky part. My kid is a straight A student with no history of bad behavior. His friend, on the other hand, has recently been allowed back to regular school, so there's a lot at stake for him if he gets caught misbehaving.

I tried to call the other parents before I left to get my son and they weren't home. The oldest daughter had been left with the phone and responsibility for the kids in their house. The boys left before the other parents did. The other parents also weren't home when I got back and went to collect my son's things. They didn't even know about the incident until Sunday. No, I didn't call. I was pretty angry and didn't want to be venting at the wrong target. On Sunday, the other mom called and left a message, which I tried to return, but got voice mail. Then, she showed up at my door and came on in, like usual. She seemed surprised that I was aggravated with her at all and stomped off mad at me. I mean, we usual have coffee or drinks together regularly, and I can't be grumpy about this?

Here's my beef. They left not knowing where the boys were. What they do know is that their son gets in trouble pretty often. No one called me to say they were leaving because they left their teenage daughter home and in charge. When they did find out what happened 24 hours later, there was nothing even remotely like a "sorry I lost track of your kid when he was in my care." And, their kid has a history of this kind of crap and mine doesn't. The boys' stories also don't entirely match up, and the other boy took an attitude with me when I picked up my son's things.

I know kids make stupid mistakes, and believe me, we are having repercussions. He's grounded. He's written letters of apology to the two folks whose day he made worse at the store. I sure don't see anymore sleepovers for a while at anyone's house.

We've all known about various dysfunctions with the other household. The mom I'm talking about has often come over to vent, and my kids have been considered positive influences to their kids. My kids know they are loved, but I'm generally one of those moms who doesn't take any crap.

I know this is long, but I guess my biggest questions are:

1. How I should feel about this and deal with it appropriately.
2. How I should feel about the other mom, who has been a long-time friend of the family, getting angry with me for feeling angry with her? She seemed super-offended that I was put out with her at all. If the situations had been reversed, I think I would have gotten a lot more grief.
3. This family friendship has been pretty one-sided for a long time. Is it time to just write it off as too much trouble?

How much yelling is okay for kids to be exposed to?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:55:50 -0800

Being a parent. What's appropriate in terms of displaying emotions? Of course, more inside. We have a kid. We also both have tempers (with each other, with life). I have a belief that we should not let our tempers get the best of us in front of kid (age 1). My husband doesn't view his temper in the negative way that I do (and never has, even though I've discussed it with him quite a bit). I have asked him to not raise his voice in front of kid. I am worried about the short and long-term effect that this display of "negative emotions" may have on our kid. (Question #1 = is this display of emotion bad for kid? Am I overreacting?) Kid has already begun to react a bit when kid hears arguing, or at least I believe this to be the case.

I grew up in a house with NO showing of emotions, so my own compass on how much "temper expression" is perhaps out-of-whack. How much is okay? (Question #2) (Example: is it okay to yell at other drivers in front of kid? Yell at a football game screw up? What about mommy and daddy disagreeing about something that goes beyond discussion into debate into argument territory?)

If this is in fact a bad thing, any books or other resources that can help us (and especially my husband) understand alternative ways to deal with our emotions (This is question #3)? And question #4, how can I get my husband to understand that it is a bad thing? (When kid is a little older and reacts more strongly to yelling may this do the trick to show my husband that this is a bad thing?) Is therapy a good idea? For the 85% of the time that he is a great dad, it isn't worth DTMFA on something that we can work on. And question #5, if this isn't a bad thing, how can I adjust my reactions to his temper?

wanting to "divorce your kids" ?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:52:59 -0800

How can I help someone who has three young children but who doesn't want to be a mother anymore? I know that this sounds completely irresponsible and selfish and cruel but I would appreciate help if you can take the time to read the details. My friend is a strong person, intelligent, sensitive to people but has struggled with empathy and compassion - not second-nature to her.

This woman is educated, has been employed in care-taking occupations with high stress and high responsibility. She stopped working after her first child was born. She and her husband had been married for seven years before they had any children. She was never sure if she wanted them, but he did and in her late thirties before the clock stopped she had a boy and then two years later had twin boys.

Since the twins were born, her husband was downsized and then went into training to become a police officer which meant he was away for six months training. Since he graduated they have been moved three times in four years. She feels that he has changed significantly because of his new occupation. Their relationship is disintegrating. She had to set up a separate email account just to communicate with me about this because her husband reads her email.

He has never had much patience with the children - a nice guy but without the education she has had and with a background of famiiy dysfunction - an abusive father who was a heavy drinker - a tough man who raised lots of kids on very, very little money.

What this means is that she is largely responsible for home and kids and she is at her wits end. I've been giving her some of the most obvious kinds of advice - find playgroups, multiple birth support groups, counseling, a sympathetic minister or woman's issues worker of some kind. I've told her to take time for herself, time with just her husband, sports and arts with the kids, exercise for herself - she has tried to do much of this but when they try to go out he gets called away (few officers in their small rural town). When she hires a sitter - if she can get one who will sit twins plus one all under 6 years old - she says she comes home to a destroyed house and broken toys/equipment and sometimes bruised kids (from falling, fighting, tumbling). It sounds like they are quite a handful.

I know that the children may be reacting to all of the moves and the obvious tension and tiredness in their parents and from the very little I have seen these two have two conflicting parenting styles.

Finally, I asked her to try to focus on a few things that she felt made her the most unhappy and then we could brain storm ways that she could get help with them. I asked what she would change most if she could change anything and her reply was to never have had children in the first place.

She has felt this way for at least the last six months, probably longer.
We live 2,000 miles away from each other. I can visit but not for long. They live in a small isolated community now with few sophisticated resources. She has little in common with the other mothers in her community though she has joined the parent council at the local elementary school that her oldest has begun to attend. She just can't see her way to going back to work full-time but has returned to on-call service a day or two a week.

She is trying to find a lifeboat but nothing seems to hold. How can I help?
I am quite anxious about the direction this is going and I feel too old to offer to take care of the children for more than a week or two if she felt no other way out than to leave. My daughter is 30, newly married, not ready for children yet either. I have a career, live in a tiny space, have been single for over 25 years - retirement is still 6 to 7 years away. Though I love children, I have already raised one alone - I can't do it again.

But she is very alone. No siblings anywhere nearby, parents both deceased and no close friends to speak of because of the frequent moves, in-laws far away. I'm frightened for her. I know how hard it is to be a good parent even though I wanted and adored my child and loved (love) being a mother.

Is this just an expression of stress or are their some people who reject their children? I'm so worried that the kids have already been seriously affected by this. I'm worried about her state of mind. Can post-partum depression last for years, or turn up years after the children are born? I'm worried about what stress can do to a man who knows very well how to use a weapon. What can be done?

I've got some parenting books to send her but it feels like so little.

Kicking Children. Airplane.

zarq — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:12:09 -0800

How can I stop my toddlers from kicking the seat in front of them on an airplane? Can anyone suggest possible solutions for preventing or blocking a 19 month old toddler from kicking the airplane seat in front of them? Does some sort of shield-like contraption exist that keeps their feet from connecting?

My wife and I have flown with my kids a handful of times now, and as they've gotten older and taller, we've had to use our hands to block them from repeatedly kicking the seat front of them. That's only moderately successful. It makes every flight endless, as we (and presumably the people in the next row,) pray for them to fall (and stay) asleep.

They're too young to fly in a bulkhead seat, which would give them plenty of room. They're also still too young to be reasoned with... or bribed with a pony. (I tried.) Inexplicably, my wife still refuses let me pack them in with the luggage. ;)

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

Why does my two-year-old throw up almost daily?

homelystar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 08:21:03 -0800

My 28-month-old boy throws up like Stan in "South Park," every 2 to 3 days. How can we help him keep his food down? For the past three months or so, G. has thrown up at least a couple of times a week. For the past three weeks, it's been almost every day! We're seeing a GI specialist tomorrow.

I know sensitive gag reflexes and vomiting when upset are very common in toddlers. This particular toddler has always been a very enthusiastic eater, and he spat up a lot in his first year. He doesn't have a fever when he does it and he's still gaining weight. But...every day? If anyone else's kids did this at this age, what helped?

Triggers seem to be:
- coughing (if he has a cold)
- eating too fast and/or not chewing his food enough (which happens a lot; we tell him to take small bites and eat slowly, but we also end up cutting his food in very small pieces because he often tries to wolf it down anyway)
or
- being upset--such as on the first day of preschool, or after skinning his knee at the playground.

He's also reached way back into his mouth and then thrown up a few times; I think that was only when he had a molar coming in.

We've tried reducing or eliminating dairy products from his diet, since his dad has allergies and asthma which get worse when he eats dairy foods. It didn't seem to make any difference. There's no other family history of digestive problems or food intolerance that we know of. G. has a prescription for an albuterol inhaler which we've used a few times when he has a cold and starts to wheeze; that doesn't seem to affect the throwing up one way or the other, either.

Thanks for any advice you have. If you know of anything specific we should ask the doctor--actually, nurse practitioner--I'd appreciate that too.

Teaching Children Responsibility

Fairchild — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:04:17 -0800

Please help me nip another parental failing in the bud. I want help my children be more responsible. I have a couple lazy parenting practices that I'm not proud of. They aren't doing my kids any favors and I wish to correct them.

My first-grader and third-grader have never been expected to clean their bedroom. I want to begin making this a requirement. Should I first show them how it is done and then allow them to clean it on a certain schedule? I'm not sure I want to give a monetary reward for completing the room cleaning. I think taking away a privilege would be more effective. Is this a good idea? How do you go about it with your children? Or, if you are not a parent, what were your parents' expectations?

They do pick up their toys in other rooms and outdoors when told, but they must be told. We have no chore chart or expectations for daily or weekly chores. When the mood strikes, or if we are having guests, we will ask them to do something and they will do it. I usually clean their bedroom because it is allowed to become a huge disaster and at this point I prefer doing it on my own because I am frustrated by the mess. I will give them tasks such as putting the Legos in the bin but I'm not sure they know how to make a bed, or pick a room from start to finish. Or, maybe I just think they can't. What should I expect at this age?

Also, I wake them up every morning for school. Should they have an alarm clock? What kind of morning routine is best to instill responsibility? I set out their clothes and prompt them what to do next. They don't even have to think for themselves in the morning because mom and dad are giving orders every step of the way. This doesn't sound very good but they are not babied. They have other responsibilities and we don't tolerate whining or excuses, we just haven't made them clean up after themselves with any kind of regularity.

I never had regular "chores" as a kid. My mother cleaned my bedroom and woke me up for school. She probably dressed me until I was in the fifth-grade. I don't want to repeat this pattern and time is slipping by. I wish for them to be more responsible and self-directed.

I feel like I should know how to do this but I want advice on how to best go about it.

Thanks.

How to Raise Happy Siblings?

gimli — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:22:05 -0800

Looking for parenting advice/resources for raising children who are close in age. Sibling rivalry has begun to enter the picture, and we want to learn how best to cope with it and limit it as much as possible. We have two boys, ages 13 months & 27 months. They love each other and have coexisted very harmoniously thus far, but just in the last week or so we've noticed some jockeying for position, crying, and acting out from each of them when they feel the other is getting more attention, particularly when there is only one of us taking care of them. We know this is normal, but we are looking for the best way to cope, moving forward. Our goal is to make sure they grow up knowing that our love & attention isn't a finite resource to be competed for, even though there will have to be times when there is only one pair of arms available to pick one of them up. Any book recommendations, websites, or advice from those who have been there would be much appreciated!

what does babby need?

logic vs love — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 14:33:15 -0800

I am going to have a baby sometime in the next month. What things do we need to have before the baby gets here, and what things are we better off waiting on? And what are we better off skipping altogether? Because we have only just now finished moving into our new place, we have yet to buy anything for the baby. This is our first kid and we're both a little clueless and overwhelmed when it comes to baby goodies and gear and whatnot. And every though I want my son to have everything his adorable little heart desires, I'm in favor of buying the least amount of stuff possible because I'm not rich and I'm secretly afraid of my life becoming overrun with horrible, primary-colored plastic things.

So...what things do we absolutely need right away, what things do we absolutely need eventually, and what do we really not need at all?

Saddling Him With My Baggage

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 10:27:44 -0800

Parenting techniques, insight, and maturity needed before I completely ruin my kid's life. I have a nine-year-old son that causes me great anxiety at times. I know it is not rational to feel this way. He is a healthy, intelligent, nice kid. He does very well academically. He is self-motivated. He can be very shy at times. He has a competitive streak. He enjoys getting good grades and doing well. Sometimes he believes he can't do things when I'm confident he can. His confidence suffers at times. He has friends and functions fine socially. I have been told numerous times that he is "goodhearted", "strong", "athletic", "fair", "calm", and "kind" by teachers and friends. His second-grade teacher called him "my absentminded professor". He is fairly athletic and participates in sports and other extra-curricular activities. He can do almost anything you ask him to do.

At times he has behaviors that annoy me and cause me great anxiety. Not your everyday kid things like leaving the refrigerator open or peeing on the toilet seat. The anxiety happens when he runs a certain way, or talks like a baby, or throws a certain way, or sits on my lap when we have company, or does anything that I deem "strange", "feminine", "babyish", or "annoying".

Even though he is very smart he is an airhead. I hate to label him this way and I would never call him an airhead to his face. It seems he is always daydreaming, spacey, and forgetful. I was the same way as a kid and I don't want to hold it against him but it still drives me crazy. An example: Sometimes I lash out when he is spacing out in the bathtub or shower and doing nothing but playing with himself and staring at the ceiling. I'll raise my voice and yell his name a few times and shout, "Get to work!" Sometimes I'll begin washing him and shampooing his hair and pull him out of the tub, throw the towel around him and bark more orders. I lose my patience quickly with him when he is acting spacey. It leaves me feeling like a terrible parent and does nothing to build our relationship, instill confidence, or bring harmony. Sometimes I have great anxiety when he is on the field playing various team sports. Sometimes when he is playing with friends I'll eavesdrop. There is one neighborhood boy that is always touching, hugging, and hanging on my kid and it causes me anxiety.

I have another younger son that does not annoy me. He can space out in the bathtub or throw the ball poorly but I don't seem to get that anxious feeling. He does do better when prompted and seems more "with it". He is also more "masculine" than the bigger kid. I hate myself for thinking this way and scrutinizing masculine vs. feminine behaviors. I know it is wrong, childish, and even hateful on so many levels. My spouse thinks I'm crazy when I brooch the subject and always says, "He's fine. Leave him alone. Give him a chance to succeed."

I compare him to other boys his age and always seem to think other boys his age are more "boyish" or "masculine".

I don't want to sound like I am constantly berating my kid. Mostly, I have the thoughts and fears and refrain from acting out on them. There are times when I do act on the anxiety and I know I am crushing his confidence and causing a lot of heartache on both ends. I wish I were one of those very confident parents that accept their children for who they are. I do accept him most of the time and I do love him dearly but I still have these fears that he is not behaving the way a nine-year-old should and I freak out.

I should note that I can go for weeks, even months, feeling fine and anxiety-free. I only seem to have anxiety about my kids. I have a pretty awesome, low-stress life, and if you want to call this a problem, this is the only one I have. The anxiety comes and goes (the beginning of a new sports season for instance) and I begin focusing on his behavior. When he was younger I had no such thoughts or problems with him. I have been in therapy in the past and I do constructive things to control my anxiety levels (exercise, yoga, meditation, friends, hobbies, etc.) I know my behavior and thoughts are wrong and destructive.

This is deeply embarrassing for me to ask. I feel like I should be more evolved and wise. I am not a monster. I desperately want to calm down and accept him for who he is, be proud of him (I am proud of him), and help build his confidence instead of crushing it.

Why am I acting like this? Why am I so frustrated? Am I afraid that my child might be gay? Do I feel like his behavior is a reflection on my parenting? Maybe. How can I stop or channel this anxiety in a more productive way and let him be and accept him for who he is? Any advice, anecdotes, or wisdom appreciated.

Help me meditate.

bondcliff — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 06:58:55 -0800

I’m interested in learning more about meditation. I also have ADD and find it impossible to shut off my brain and clear my mind. After discussing it with a friend, a friend whose constant calm manner I find inspiring, I think I’d like to give meditation a try. My main goal is to be a bit more calm. I’m generally easy going but I’m quick to lose my temper and raise my voice. I come from a family of screamers and I find myself falling into the same pattern when it comes to parenting. I gotta cut that shit out.

I’m looking for any advice, tips, resources, etc to get me started.

A couple of things:

As mentioned, I have ADD (officially diagnosed by a neuro-psychologist, not medicated because nothing seems to work.) Phrases like “clear your mind” are lost on me. I can’t clear it, it’s always going. My ADD has contributed to lifelong insomnia because I just can’t shut down at night. I’m not looking for a cure for ADD, I only mention it because I suspect it will be an obstacle. I’m especially interested in hearing from people who understand what ADD is like and have experience dealing with ADD and meditation.

I’m an atheist and a total skeptic. Any spiritual, new-agey, or religious components will be a turn off. I need to approach this from a purely practical point of view. I’m all for clutter clearing and arranging furniture but any talk of Feng-Shui makes me want to throw things. I’m not looking to find enlightenment and/or Jesus. I’m open minded though, so if meditation leads to these things I won’t reject them.

I’d also be interested in learning of any beginner classes in my area (metro Boston) as long as they’re not scammey, new-agey or spiritual. Why do all these places need to have a Buddha out front?

So far my only experience with anything of this sort was from a sleep doctor who, among other things, gave me a relaxation CD. It involved progressively relaxing my muscles, starting from my toes, and clearing my thoughts as I worked my way up. By the time I got to my shins I was thinking about Princess Leia’s gold slave outfit and then I moved on to my favorite ice cream flavors. Next thing I knew I was supposed to be relaxing my forehead but I had a boner and wanted a hot fudge sundae. Yes, I tried it a bunch of times.

So yeah, I suspect this won’t be easy. But I’m ready to try.

Ensuring I never scream, "Tina, bring me the ax!"

thenewbrunette — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:21:41 -0800

Avoiding Mommie Dearest: How to raise a healthy, happy daughter when your own relationship with your mother was less than ideal? We're expecting our first child in January and just learned that "it" is a "she." The good news is that she's healthy and on track, and dearly wanted by both mother and father. However, as a first time mother with my own troubled mother/daughter relationship, the news of her gender has sent me into a panic. I want to enjoy the fact that I'll be having a daughter, but all I can do now is worry that I'll continue a vicious cycle of guilt, judgement, sarcasm, and dishonesty that still plagues my relationship with my mother (and grandmother). My goal, along with my partner, is to raise a resilient, happy, intelligent, compassionate, curious, and independent woman, while also allowing her to be whomever it is she's meant to be.

Can other women who had difficult mothers (or men who have raised daughters) pass along some wisdom or resources on how to foster a healthy, loving relationship with a daughter? FWIW I have a therapist and plan to discuss this topic in depth, but appreciate the thoughts of fellow AskMefites.

I've seen this thread: http://ask.metafilter.com/104513/Novels-about-women-and-their-crazy-moms but am hoping for something more about "breaking the cycle" when it comes to parenting your own child.

How To Raise Two Boys That Aren't Jerks

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 11:57:50 -0800

We're going to have a second boy. Help us get rational about it. My wife and I have a 4-year-old son, who we adore. He is well-behaved, has excellent manners, is intellectually and physically curious, and displays little or none of the general thuggery and aggression displayed by his male classmates and friends.

We just discovered that our second child, due in late December, is also going to be a boy. This is, barring acts of God or extreme improbability, going to be our last child, so we're going to be raising two boys.

For various reasons, this is something of a nightmare scenario for my wife and I. Without exception, the families that we know with either two boys or all boys display a really horrifying (to us) level of inter-kid aggression, maladjustment, misbehavior, randomized thuggery towards each other (and sometimes others), and generally shitty manners and public behavior.

We want to raise two good boys into good men. We realize that some degree of competition is going to occur between siblings, and that there's always going to be friction between kids, but we are terrified that through some alchemical process that happens when you have two boys in the same household, our wonderful boy and his nascent brother are going to turn into, well, assholes.

We want anecdata to counter our own experience: please tell us all the stories you have (nonfiction, please) of families with two boys or more where the boys turned out to be well-adjusted, mutually supportive and secure non-thugs. Additional advice from people who've been there and done that on how to deal with issues specific to two boys is also welcome.

I lost a link to a really interesting article I wanted to read... can YOU help me find it?

mr. remy — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 19:11:28 -0800

I lost a link to a really interesting article I wanted to read... can YOU help me find it? The article was probably on a science blog. It was, more or less, a debunking of arguments in favor of behavioral heritability and the genetic predisposition for certain horrible actions. If not a blog, perhaps it was in a weekly sitting in my therapist's office? The article went to great lengths to debunk, by way of example, the myth that step-parents are more likely to abuse their children than non-step/non-adoptive parents.

There were extended critiques of the statistical methods used to arrive at the myth, and the nearly-invisible (but significantly flawed) logical leaps taken to arrive there.

There were also quotes by EO Wilson, whose work spoke out fairly strongly against what, I think, was referred to as biological determinism.

There may have been a bit about the currency the 'autism by vaccine' canard carries, but I may also be conflating that from another article.

Give me perspective on my dad's dating situation

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:02:52 -0800

My parents split about a year ago. My father has started dating under unusual circumstances, and it makes me somewhat angry. Am I overreacting? How can I find peace with the situation? I've read this recent question . The number of people telling the younger sister to just suck it up made me wonder if I was overreacting to my current situation as well. Help me find perspective.

I am 22, and attending university out-of-town. My sister is 10, and mainly lives with my mother; she stays with dad twice a week. It was an amicable split with fairly fluid arrangements. I’m with mom for the summer, though I recently spent three weeks staying with dad at his request to "be closer".

My dad took a trip business trip back to our home country in late February/early March, and met a girl there. Once he got back to North America, he found a one-year internship position for the girl and her coworker/supervisor at his office. They moved late March. Though this girl has her own apartment, she pretty much sleeps over whenever my sister isn't around, which means I saw a lot of her the past three weeks. She's 27, my dad is 48.

I didn't find out about this situation till I got back in town, late May. My sister met her in April as "just a friend", but clearly knows it's more - this girl had apparently made a comment about how my sister "is adorable, [and should] come be my daughter". Not great, as first impressions go. I talked to dad about this, and told him to try and keep things separate between the girlfriend and my sister.

I don't like this girl much personally - she seems very immature for her age - but I understand it's none of my business who my dad dates. My dad tends to see me in an advisory role and talks a lot about how I'm more mature than he and he's so glad he can talk to me about this stuff. We had a blow-up when he asked me to encourage my sister to be more receptive to his current and future girlfriends and expressed a desire that I would be part of his "new family". He seemed surprised that I felt negatively on both counts, and even more so when I didn't think I would be inclined to try to join in on his new happy shiny family. He can be irresponsible, and didn't consider, for example, common law marriage statuses until I pointed it out. FWIW, I get along a lot better with my mom.

While I was at his place staying in my sister's room, I didn't actually hang out with dad one-on-one, as the girlfriend was around. I don't have the best relationship with my dad, so this didn't bother me as much as the fact that he explicitly asked me to be there (and he's the type to guilt trip me about how we're growing apart) and failed to follow up on it (fairly typical). I'm also very resentful that I was asked to intervene on his behalf on something which I felt was his responsibility to deal with, even more so that it's been complicated by the age factor. I'm angry that he seemed surprised by the fact that my sister would be resistant to girlfriends, and that he expects me to hear about his relationship woes and give him advice (and if I rebuff him on this subject he tells me it's important to him that I be a part of his life). Furthermore, I think it's patently ridiculous he introduced my sister to this girl about 8 months after he moved out, and about a month after they started seeing each other.

My dad is a classic extrovert and while I was there he spent much time out with his girlfriend or hanging out with his friends. To a certain extent, I admit that I'm a little jealous - he tells her stories of his childhood he never told us, he does seem happy when he's around her. My childhood involved a lot of fights between my parents, and a lot of conflict between my dad and I. Nevertheless, every time I consciously think about the girlfriend situation (not often, I'm trying to just roll with it) and every time mom skirts close to the subject (she does understand now that I don't want to talk about it) I can't help but feel really bitter and resentful at nothing in particular, and sad that I feel like I can't trust my dad seems to look out for my sister's best interests. I can barely cover my own tuition and I'm already considering starting up my own fund for her eventual university education, if that tells you anything about what I feel about his reliability.

I want him to be happy, but not at our expense. Is that selfish? Am I wholly overreacting? If yes, and even if not, how can I deal with my anger in a constructive manner so it doesn't take over my life and any hope for better familial relationship with dad? How can I protect my sister from any potential fall-out of this situation? I don't really have any other adults I could talk to about this - I don't want to hurt mom, despite her claims that she's "over it", and all our relatives are thousands of miles away. Thanks for any input!

What am I doing wrong?

Anonymous — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 07:13:03 -0800

Any insights on how I can help my daughter? My daughter:

She’s 12, almost 13. Extremely smart, creative, musically inclined, beautiful, compassionate, loves animals and children are drawn to her.

Mood swings a constant in her history since age 4. Therapy and medication tried from age 6 until now. Adderal and Zoloft a powerfully bad combination ending in psychotic episodes and hospitalization at age 7. Irrational perceptions and can be very violent towards her older (aged 15) sister and even to me.

Specific behavior that I’ve never heard of; she won’t wear a seat belt in my car (it’s “uncomfortable”), refuses to do homework and when forced, she will rip it up or not turn it in, and she can’t wear jeans… in fact she will wear the same outfit over and over for MONTHS on end. Various things tried in therapy, never resolved. This is life as we know it since she was 6.

She is socially somewhat awkward – but can be the life of the party. She gravitates toward adults and can hold a great conversation. She is clumsy and frequently breaks things – sometimes on purpose.

She is living with her father right now because she started failing 6th grade and had multiple problems in school with teachers and students alike. It was her idea (and often discussed in therapy) and she obeys her dad (I have very little control of her). She was becoming dangerous to my other daughter, as well. I frequently think “She is her own worst enemy.” She has never had friends in the traditional sense like my older daughter has – sleepovers, etc.

She wants to come home – she hates the oppression and discipline of her father’s house. This is greatly opposed by my oldest daughter.

Multi part question: What can I do for her?? Years of therapy have done nothing. How do I protect my other daughter? Has anyone heard of this behavior? I have read extensively on various mood disorders and still don’t know What To Do.

Any insights are SO appreciated.

(Various notes – I’m a good mom. Her dad is a good dad. Her sister is very popular and easy going with tons of friends and this causes jealousy. Her dad and I disagree on the severity of her mood disorders and is vaguely anti-therapy. We’re really very normal looking on the outside with very normal aspirations in life. No childhood trauma and I was a SAHM until she went to school.)

Swing Swing Swing

sapere aude — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 12:22:04 -0800

BabyFilter: Getting a 4-month old to sleep in a crib instead of her beloved swing...help! Our 4-month old daughter sleeps like a champ in her swing, but she's getting too big for it. For some reason, she has a really hard time in her crib. At 3 months we were able to get her to sleep one full night in the crib, but any other time we try (even for a nap) she screams like we're torturing her, even if she was hard asleep 5 minutes before. Swaddling and the other Happiest Baby on the Block approaches have worked great up to now, but fail whenever the crib is involved. If nothing else, we'll take the plunge, go the Ferber route and gradually extend the time we wait to comfort her, but if anyone has had any luck with other ideas for the transfer, we're all ears. We'd love to avoid a repeat of the first month's sleep deprivation. Thanks!

Need an excellent co-parenting book.

ian1977 — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 08:53:56 -0800

What are some excellent co-parenting books? I am looking for an excellent coparenting book. One that is positive and upbeat...filled with strategies, advice and inspiration for effective coparenting. Ideally something that both parties could read simultaneously. What I don't want is one that is centered on the nasty side of divorce and the divorce process. A touchy feelgood coparenting book for divorced bohemian types. :-P

Thanks!