Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with parenting and depression

Was having a baby a mistake?

elizamina — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 21:04:41 -0800

I am the mother of a beautiful, 5 week old baby girl. I wonder if I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I spend nearly every day crying. Horrible crying where I feel like I can't breathe, I feel like I'm dying. I saw a therapist and I will visit again next week for a medication appointment. I'm pretty sure I have postpartum depression, and yet, I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm terrified that my marriage will end, that my life is over, that having a baby was a huge mistake. How can this get better? How will it get better?

I've been with my husband for ten years. I wanted this baby desperately. For years, he said he wasn't ready and then he agreed to try to conceive. We conceived almost immediately. We fought about it terribly for the first trimester and then things seemed to get better. We seemed to be happy until the baby was born. Now I'm shocked, disappointed, and even angry that I feel this way. I don't want to resent my baby. I don't want my baby to be a mistake. I'm terrified my marriage will end, even though my husband says it won't. I'm terrified he'll resent the baby, resent the changes to our lives, even though he says he's adjusting. And I'm terrified I'll never be happy again. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm so scared all the time. Will I ever feel better? Will this ever get better?

How to talk with my 8-yr old about suicide?

ValveAnnex — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:19:26 -0800

How to talk with my 8-yr old about his older depressed cousin's suicide? They didn't know eachother very well. The older one came to visit for a holiday a few years ago, and played with my kid in the snow, etc.

My brother's family was devastated when it happened a couple of months ago. Our family is physically disconnected (long, long distances), and come together once a year.

This year, when we come together, the suicide will be brought up in conversations. But as parents, we've not explained it yet to our kid.

We plan to have that talk this weekend. What I don't want to see happen is that he'll think that being in a bad mood is depression, and talk of suicide comes up. He's sophisticated enough to know the difference, but still young enough to be naive.

Keeping a happy kid happy?

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:15:57 -0800

How can I foster my 12 year old son's joie de vivre when I feel so grindy? I amicably separated from my wife 6 months ago & she moved out. We're splitting custody 50/50. Our son has always been a happy kid, engaged with the world and interested in learning new things. He's smart, but not introverted; somewhat shy, but he started middle school in a new district last month & already has good friends. He gets dark humor and is pretty aware of things that make me a cynical bastard (e.g. how public school teachers are paid/treated), but he's remained un-jaded. He still gets giddy like a toddler over silly humor.

I'm male, 44 years old. I went off Cymbalta & Wellbutrin around the time I separated without my psychiatrist's blessing because I wanted to get through the "brain zaps" quickly & not taper & prolong them. I also stopped seeing my CBT therapist a while back, but I'm going to start seeing him again. My depression without meds isn't that bad, but I feel like I'm "grinding" through life, showing up when I'm supposed to but not enjoying much.

How can I avoid squishing this bright kid's optimism?

We don't fight that much (he's really well behaved), but I feel like I drag out little offenses/misunderstandings and it would be nice to correct snottiness without making a huge deal out of it.

Is Nonverbal Learning Disability as bad as it seems?

maloon — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 10:53:39 -0800

How do I look forward and be optimistic when the more I learn about my son's Nonverbal Learning Disability the more scared and grief-stricken I become? He's almost 17 and will be a junior in September in public high school, and he's been unsuccessful at everything he's ever tried to do. Previously he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome at 5 years old, but in April we had a neuropsych eval that scratched that, and determined him NLD. He had lots of interventions as a young child with the dx of Aspergers that really helped...occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy and social skills classes, so its not like he has been without support. He had accommodations in grade school and middle school, never an IEP, and his grades have mostly been average to above average, except of course in math.

His executive function has always been ridiculous and this year he started to melt down pretty bad and begged us to put him on meds for attention deficit, hence the April neuropsych eval. He started Concerta a month ago and he was pretty psyched about it the first 2 weeks, but the last 2 weeks seem to him a let down. We go back to the pediatrician next week to follow up if this med is working or not, and he starts psychological counseling with the group that did the eval next week as well.

Meanwhile, I'm realizing how dead-on the diagnosis of NLD over Aspergers is and I'm feeling more despondent as I look into it because the outlook seems much bleaker. I feel as if it were Aspergers, then he would eventually settle on an 'obsession' and make his way in the world with it, happy unto himself. But now learning about NLD I'm afraid all his 'gifted' verbal strengths really add up to gobbledygook and the cold hard truth is he won't be able to get ahead and loneliness, anxiety and depression will get him.

He's a very physically fit and very good looking kid (weightlifting and nutrition we thought might have been his latest AS 'obsession') which just seems like cruel irony because I think the world expects so much more from this seemingly bright kid. He's only ever had vague sets of friends through the years and no one ever really close and he's always eventually pinched out. Now he's suffering the realization that he's a 'joke' on his recreational baseball team and he wanted more than anything to be respected and hold his own on the no-cut high school football team, but he just doesn't have it and now he's brokenheartedly about to give it up (for the best IMO,) and it's just wreaking havoc with his self-esteem, making him very angry and shut down. Now we're trying to teach him to drive and it feels impossible (driving school etc) and he feels like such a loser, and we're all thinking the same thing...is there anything this kid can do?

So how do I dismiss the possibility (and should I) that this kid just might never make it out there on his own and how do I help him keep hope alive?

Hostages to fortune

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:35:46 -0800

How can I maintain some optimism about my child's future, given the crappy crappy world we live in? I have a wholly delightful baby daughter, and since her birth have been overwhelmed by the intensity with which I desire a good future for her. More than anything, I want her to grow up happy, smart, good, strong, and, you know, whole.

Unfortunately, I don't necessarily see that happening. Maybe I just spend too much time on the damn Internet, but a lot of what I see and hear these days makes me think we just may be approaching the shrieking, cacophonous end of of rationality and responsibility, truth and beauty and order and inquiry and growth-- in short, a whole lot of what, to me, makes existence worthwhile. Certainly no crazy apocalyptic visions or conspiracy theories here, but on a human level I don't hold out a lot of hope for what the next century will bring. Despite my best efforts, it seems inevitable that the cultural environment's going to chew her up and spit her out, mess her up and prevent her from realising her full potential.

This freaks me out on a weekly-to-daily basis, and my husband is sick of the panicky pillow talks every time I see a scary news article or dip into a particularly nasty thread here or elsewhere. I don't see my mind changing on the global prognosis, but I'd really like to find a way to be more upbeat about the situation.

I guess I'm asking a non-gendered version of this question, but the rationales offered there-- "Well, you've enjoyed your life, haven't you?" and "Maybe she'll work to make the world a better place" just don't cut it in this case. True, I had a pretty rad childhood, but the world is different now in so many ways from when I was growing up. And while I'd like to tell myself that she'll grow up to fight to better the world, as someone with quite a bit of historical training, I know that this has been a loooong time coming, and I have no illusions about one person being able to turn back the march of Western civilization. It's hard to get excited about sending my kid forth to fight a battle that's all but lost, or to spend her life effectively rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.... and since I'm not about to go the full-on Bubble Girl route, I know she'll end up being raised more by the world than by my partner and me.

I'm not looking to be persuaded that things aren't as bad as I think (especially since I'm guessing my specific concerns differ from those of most of the community members here), but pessimism is so common across the ideological spectrum today that I thought perhaps someone could share some ideas on how to deal with these kind of thoughts. How do you not get overwhelmed by big worries, so that you miss the joy of parenting? And how do you hold out hope for your kids, when you don't have much hope for the world?

Throwaway email is itstheendoftheworldasiknowit @ gmail.com. Thanks!

wanting to "divorce your kids" ?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:52:59 -0800

How can I help someone who has three young children but who doesn't want to be a mother anymore? I know that this sounds completely irresponsible and selfish and cruel but I would appreciate help if you can take the time to read the details. My friend is a strong person, intelligent, sensitive to people but has struggled with empathy and compassion - not second-nature to her.

This woman is educated, has been employed in care-taking occupations with high stress and high responsibility. She stopped working after her first child was born. She and her husband had been married for seven years before they had any children. She was never sure if she wanted them, but he did and in her late thirties before the clock stopped she had a boy and then two years later had twin boys.

Since the twins were born, her husband was downsized and then went into training to become a police officer which meant he was away for six months training. Since he graduated they have been moved three times in four years. She feels that he has changed significantly because of his new occupation. Their relationship is disintegrating. She had to set up a separate email account just to communicate with me about this because her husband reads her email.

He has never had much patience with the children - a nice guy but without the education she has had and with a background of famiiy dysfunction - an abusive father who was a heavy drinker - a tough man who raised lots of kids on very, very little money.

What this means is that she is largely responsible for home and kids and she is at her wits end. I've been giving her some of the most obvious kinds of advice - find playgroups, multiple birth support groups, counseling, a sympathetic minister or woman's issues worker of some kind. I've told her to take time for herself, time with just her husband, sports and arts with the kids, exercise for herself - she has tried to do much of this but when they try to go out he gets called away (few officers in their small rural town). When she hires a sitter - if she can get one who will sit twins plus one all under 6 years old - she says she comes home to a destroyed house and broken toys/equipment and sometimes bruised kids (from falling, fighting, tumbling). It sounds like they are quite a handful.

I know that the children may be reacting to all of the moves and the obvious tension and tiredness in their parents and from the very little I have seen these two have two conflicting parenting styles.

Finally, I asked her to try to focus on a few things that she felt made her the most unhappy and then we could brain storm ways that she could get help with them. I asked what she would change most if she could change anything and her reply was to never have had children in the first place.

She has felt this way for at least the last six months, probably longer.
We live 2,000 miles away from each other. I can visit but not for long. They live in a small isolated community now with few sophisticated resources. She has little in common with the other mothers in her community though she has joined the parent council at the local elementary school that her oldest has begun to attend. She just can't see her way to going back to work full-time but has returned to on-call service a day or two a week.

She is trying to find a lifeboat but nothing seems to hold. How can I help?
I am quite anxious about the direction this is going and I feel too old to offer to take care of the children for more than a week or two if she felt no other way out than to leave. My daughter is 30, newly married, not ready for children yet either. I have a career, live in a tiny space, have been single for over 25 years - retirement is still 6 to 7 years away. Though I love children, I have already raised one alone - I can't do it again.

But she is very alone. No siblings anywhere nearby, parents both deceased and no close friends to speak of because of the frequent moves, in-laws far away. I'm frightened for her. I know how hard it is to be a good parent even though I wanted and adored my child and loved (love) being a mother.

Is this just an expression of stress or are their some people who reject their children? I'm so worried that the kids have already been seriously affected by this. I'm worried about her state of mind. Can post-partum depression last for years, or turn up years after the children are born? I'm worried about what stress can do to a man who knows very well how to use a weapon. What can be done?

I've got some parenting books to send her but it feels like so little.

Depression and Parenting

Anonymous — Mon, 25 May 2009 15:08:41 -0800

I'm going through a severe period of depression, and I'm having a hard time being a good parent. Can anyone give me advice on how to get through this without traumatizing my children? I've suffered with depression and severe mood swings for years. I'm currently on bipolar medication, which has been working well for me. But for the past week, a perfect storm of work anxiety, rainy weather, and what I suppose is some brain chemistry wonkiness has put in the worst depression I've experienced for years, long before I had my two young children. While before, I would have just stayed in bed for a week or two, now I need to be a productive adult. But I'm having a hard time cooking, cleaning, and not bursting into tears, to say nothing of trying to play with my kids or show interest in anything around me. I can't sleep, I can't muster up anything beyond a flat affect, and everything makes me cry.

My husband is being amazingly supportive and helping where he can, but I feel like all the order I'm supposed to keep up at home is falling into chaos, and I'm afraid my kids will grow up to complain about their crazy mom to their therapist. With milder depressions, I've been able to just fake normalcy and keep everything going as it should, but I just don't have the energy right now.

When I was younger, I was hospitalized a few times for suicide attempts, but now that I have children, I no longer think about hurting myself because I can't imagine sending a message more horrible to your kids than mommy didn't want to stick around to see you grow up. But my experience in psych wards has taught me that being locked up with genuinely crazy people is not the solution I'm looking for. For the record, I have no desire to hurt anyone else either. The damage to my family that I'm worried about comes strictly from my inability to do or react to anything. Obviously if I don't get better soon, I will call my doctor and see if he can adjust my medication, but I won't be able to see him for a week or so. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? What did you do to get by until the depression lifted?

Will I be a good mother even though I have depression? Personal experiences would also be very appreciated!!

katala — Tue, 12 May 2009 16:49:18 -0800

Will I be a good mother even though I have depression? Personal experiences would also be very appreciated!! Hi MeFites, my husband and I are discussing starting a family at the moment but I'm concerned I'm not strong enough - because of clinical depression - to cope with children and be a good mother.

Quick background
I've had clinical depression for the past 10 years (I'm now 30) and have been on meds for it for 3 years now which have been very very helpful.

I basically have a life again now, can hold down a job, and for the first time since high school have the luxury of living a normal and happy life with my husband of 11 years.

Part of my treatment involves lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to. This, combined with the anti-depressants, means I'm able to cope pretty well with life and be there for my husband when he needs me.

My concerns about adding a child to this mix are:

- Children are generally noisy and demanding (if wonderful) little critters - am I going to be able to cope with that?

- Children will require me to simply put my needs aside a lot of the time, and while I'm more than happy to do that I'm not sure I would cope with the consequences of missing out on quiet time alone, not to mention sleep, i.e. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

- I grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical anxiety and a severe temper; consequently I had a heap of emotional issues and anxieties myself which took years to work through. I am scared I would do the same thing to my own child.

I would really welcome your advice / your answers to the above questions / your own stories - whatever you have time to share with me.

Thank you very much
Katala

How do I help my depressed son?

Anonymous — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 08:04:42 -0800

Me: "Do you think about hurting yourself?" My son: "Suicide? All the time." Help us please. So, my son calls me at 8 am this morning as I pull into work. "Can you come home?" he asks. "Because I am having this lame breakdown."

Background on my son: He is a magnificent young man who I love beyond measure. He is 22, my stepson actually, we have been a family for 11 years. He lives with us and goes to college, where he does quite well. He spent the last year studying abroad. He has a huge outgoing personality that really attracts people and a first rate mind. He is very alternative, grew up in a big city living with his worthless father. He has lived with us 3 years.

I drive home and we talk. It turns out that he has fought depression for years and years. I had no idea. He self medicates with booze, nicotine, and pot, though not in very large quantities. (2-3 drinks a day he says, though I think more, pot a few times a week.) He has trouble focusing, has no ambition for school (though has done some good work in some of his classes anyway) and most of all feels overwhelmed by anxiety and self loathing. When people like or trust him, he says, he feels compelled to disappoint them. I held him while he cried and spelled it all out.

Many years ago someone told me that when a person is displaying this kind of behaviour, you should always ask them if they think about hurting themselves. I asked. He told me how, every day, he thinks about killing himself, usually by driving into something. He rejects it immediately, he says, but the thought comes back.

He wants to tough this out with some help from his family. I said no, we need professional help, and he is not dead set against it. Tomorrow we go to see the school counsellor. (Also, tomorrow I tell my wife!) So I think I am doing the right things.

What else should I be doing? What can I expect as he enters therapy (I guess). What do I need to know and do to be the best possible dad to my son right now?