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Do I have to invite my father to the wedding?

gauche — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 06:21:23 -0800

Should I invite my estranged father to my wedding? I recently became engaged to a wonderful woman, and we are planning our wedding. I am torn about whether I should invite my father to the wedding. Before you say, "of course you should, he's your father" let me explain.

I was always very close to my father, growing up; I was the oldest of five, and his clear favorite in ways that made me feel uncomfortable and a little guilty. Six years ago, my father confided in me that he was having an affair. He asked me to keep it quiet from my mother, who was then his wife, and from my siblings. After considering the position he had put me in, I told him that keeping this secret put me on his side, and that I could not take his side in an affair like this. I told him that he had to come clean about it to my mother or I would have to tell her my, for the sake of my own conscience. After that conversation, our relationship turned very ugly. I saw a side of my father that I had never seen before: manipulative, deceitful, selfish, and cruel.

I was between jobs at the time, so I found work in another time zone and moved away, in part to put distance between myself and this situation. Soon after I left, he divorced my mother. Two of my sisters have not spoken to him since; the other is coolly cordial; my brother is in the armed services, and does his best to avoid this side of the country entirely. It is all very painful and fraught with avoidance.

Over the years, I have tried to re-establish my relationship with my father on several occasions, but invariably I am disappointed by our encounters. I am very hurt and angry, and we can make cordial small-talk but that is about it. I feel that he has violated my trust, and I don't think we can have a relationship until he earns it back. I am willing to consider him earning it back, and indeed I would like him to do so. He does not believe that he has hurt me, or is unwilling to do anything to show that he is sorry for having done so. Every time I see him, I lose my emotional footing for several days afterwards.

Having made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get him to even acknowledge the betrayal I feel, I consider us to be estranged, with occasional, brief contact. I certainly want to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation, but I do not hold out much hope for it.

In the circumstances, the wedding is a sort of crisis, in that if I do not invite him, that has implications which I do not want to make ("you are dead to me") but if I do invite him, that too has implications ("you are a part of my life"). Further, I feel like his presence will cast a pallor over my mother, my sisters, my brother, and my maternal grandfather. It will certainly dim my own mood. My fiancee has never met my father, and she would rather he did not attend because it will spoil the mood of the day and bring up old wounds for my family, who have been very good to her.

I don't want him at my wedding, but I don't want to foreclose an eventual reconciliation either. One thing I am very proud of about the past six years is that I have not said anything to him that cannot be unsaid. No matter how hurt I was, I haven't burned the bridge. In order to do that, I have sometimes had to be silent -- for years at a time -- instead. With the wedding, I cannot fail to say something, one way or another. What am I supposed to do?

Should a parent mention their bisexual past to their gay teen?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:30:48 -0800

My 14-yo son has recently come out to me as gay. Should I share anything about the "experimental" phase of my youth? Although I've had inklings for a while, my 14-yo son recently decided to come out to me as gay. He's apparently been questioning his sexuality as early as 5th grade, and by 7th-8th grade was pretty convinced and has shared this information with a few close friends.

We live in an extremely liberal community, and he doesn't seem to be "struggling" or having concerns about the sexuality aspect itself--his friends have been supportive and accepting. The recent coming-out was, I believe, precipitated by some unpleasantness involving unrequited feelings for a friend of his.

I am wondering if it is now or ever would be appropriate to bring up my own sexuality history, in which my first "serious" relationship in late high school/early college was with a woman (and there was some minor sexual experimentation with a previous female best friend when we were 13-14). I ultimately realized I wasn't strongly sexually attracted to "women" per se--only my best friends--and have not had any lesbian relationships in the intervening 22 years.

On the one hand, I suppose parental sexuality of any sort is something that falls into the category of "the less said, the better" for most kids. On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

I guess part of my motivation might be to offer a gesture reciprocating the enormous amount of trust and confidence that my son has offered me by coming out in the first place. On yet another hand, I also understand that parent-child relationships are not always meant to be reciprocal in certain regards.

Other details: my husband is aware of this history; I've not told anyone else in my family. I am still casual friends with the woman in question, who maintained a bisexual lifestyle for quite a bit longer, although she trended more hetero over the years and has been in a straight (now married) relationship with the same man for the past 10 years or so. My son knows her and they converse on topics of mutual interest from time to time. Sort of a long-distance "cool pseudo-aunt" relationship. It is, of course, theoretically possible to mention that I once was in a lesbian relationship without naming names.

If you want to respond privately, you can e-mail the throwaway notreallyme6607@gmail.com

stepmom advice

cheemee — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:55:49 -0800

Step-parenting filter: Looking for general advice on being a new step mom. My friend (female, let's call her "S") is getting married fairly soon. The groom-to-be ("G") has a 9-year-old son ("B") from a previous marriage. I have no idea how to advise my friend, so I turn to you.

A specific ongoing issue is discipline. S is afraid to discipline B because she's not quite sure it's her place to do so. She feels B is disrespectful (to her and to others, including G), and that G is too lenient with him.

B also spends pretty much all his time on the computer or on video games, to the point where B wakes up yelling in his dreams because someone has taken his video games. S is trying to get G to teach his son to spend his time on other things. But G is also worried about B hating him.

So I guess I am looking for advice about disciplining as a step mom. Where does her authority with him begin and end? I realize that they will have to decide that themselves. But I guess I'm looking for guidelines?

Any other advice you may have for a new step mom also welcome, not necessarily just discipline advice.

Thanks!!!

I miss the little guy.

Anonymous — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:25:25 -0800

Help. Help help help. My (ex?) girlfriend has taken our six day old child to her parents house and is barricading herself there. Long story... we're both teachers. Unplanned pregnancy, in a foreign country. 9 months ago, I tell her that I want to be a part of this, despite her giving me an open door to leave. She decides to leave back to her hometown, roughly seven hundred miles from my family, to have the child, and I move there with her. I'm trying to adjust to a new city, a difficult job search, distance from my family, and coming to terms with impending fatherhood (*way* sooner than I ever saw it happening), which has certainly made me less stable than I would be otherwise. Hence, I more than contributed to the bumps in the road through the pregnancy, and I have needed to ask for forgiveness and rely on her and her family's graciousness more than once.

Yet we were together leading up to the birth. I was there with her at delivery, stayed in the hospital with her and brought home takeout, and spent the first day and a half with her at home waking at all hours to tend to the little guy, and offering to get whatever at the store to save her the 3 flight walk-up. She even commented (paraphrasing), "You really help to calm me through those 3am diaper changes."

This weekend, mom and dad visited to see their first grandchild... and to meet her for the first time. Smiles all around, a very good vibe shared among all and she even commented on her looking forward to seeing my hometown over Christmas (the plan being to take junior out there to celebrate). Me and my folks seemed to be warmly received by her parents.

Sunday nite, after returning from dropping my parents off at their hotel, she and I hugged on the couch, she saying, "I want to reconnect." I agreed, since the weekend was zany, parents and sisters everywhere, and she and I without a moment to look at each other and say... "We're caring for a little miracle, and you helped create it..." (or things to that effect, you know what I mean) We agreed to try for the 'reconnect' after his 11 o'clock feeding. Before then, I noticed a mess in the kitchen -- you know, baby bottles everywhere plus detritus from a weekend of entertaining -- and I got a bit anxious and all, "We need to clean this place up." She didn't take to that too well.

Okay, so I go into the bedroom, "Sorry for getting wound up about the kitchen." She pushes away the apology, and immediately sets up an, "I've done all this, you've only done that" view of things. Not even daring to go into 'competition' mode, I back out of the bedroom. 15 minutes later, she comes out, "What's your problem?" Again, I remind her about the whole 'we are a team' thing. Icy silence prevails through the nite-time changings/feedings. 8am or so, trying to get the clean slate for the day, I'm told, "Leave me the fuck alone." Okay. I do need to drive her to the doctor's, though -- an hour away. After the appointment, in which the little guy isn't gaining the weight he ought to, she says, "I need to stay at my parents' house a few days." "Okay, but why?" "Because I don't feel like I'm supported by you." "Remember, you told me to leave you the fuck alone last nite." "FUCK YOU."

And after dropping her and her car off at her parents' house, I've been on my own. I've not been told if we're still together (I'd like to be -- she's never been this pointedly vehement), when I'll be allowed to see/parent my little son, and whether I need to deal with this apt/lease on my own (the place is almost totally furnished by her).

So -- what's my next move? Lawyer? Wait and try for a rational conversation? Something different? What are my rights? Can I see the child every day? Mothers, could this just be driven by post-birth hormones? Do I dare to trust her? I'm in Chicagoland, should anyone know of specifics that might pertain around that vicinity. I desperately want to be proud about being a father. And now I feel like the rug's out form under my feet. I'm ashamed to tell anyone I know. Help help help -- imissthelittleguy at gmail. Thanks.

How do I cope with my grieving Mom?

Monsters — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 11:41:18 -0800

My mother's grief is overwhelming me. How do I keep my cool? My Dad died in late December of last year. I am my mom's only kid in the same city (I have a sibling but she lives on the west coast; I'm in the midwest). For the past 9 months my mom's grief has draped across my life and I don't think I can cope anymore.

I'm in the second year of a Masters program and am planning to go on to a PhD. So this is a very busy time- I have to take standardized tests, apply to and visit potential PhD programs, and (oh yeah) write a thesis. This is on top of regular coursework and the 20-hour-a-week research assistantship that pays for my tuition.

I love my mom and we've always had a pretty great, close relationship. But her grief is overwhelming me. I try to call her daily and see her at least once a week, give her lots of support and make sure she is looking after herself. Every few months or so she calls me demanding that I drop everything and drive 45 minutes to her house to hug her. The most stressful part of this is that I have my own grief- but in order to be emotionally strong enough to support my mom in her grief I distance myself from my own grief about the death of my dad, who was my hero.

I've told my mom she needs professional help and found her the number of a psychologist who specializes in traumatic grief right down the street from her house. She hasn't made an appointment.

I try to be as supportive as possible, but my patience is wearing thin. More and more I find myself lashing out at her when she calls me in tears, asking that I drop everything and go to her house to take care of her. That isn't the kind of daughter I want to be- this woman raised me and I owe her better than I've been giving lately. How do I manage my frustration when I'm with my mom so I can give her the support she obviously deeply needs?

Is not getting adopted a dis?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:11:32 -0800

How big a deal is it not to be adopted by a step-parent? I was raised by my father. My stepmother never adopted me. I have met others who were adopted by step-parents, and as an adult I now want to get some idea of how common this is, and whether I should take this as an indicator of how close my stepmother wanted our relationship to be.

The question is prompted in part by this FPP, which got me thinking about the situation again.

We are not close now, and it would not really feel appropriate to ask her about this, which I guess is an indicator too, but I want a bit of outside input about how commonplace stepparent adoption is to help me get some insight into the situation (I am not so close to family in general).

We oopsed. Now I don't know how to handle it.

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 10:39:29 -0800

Unexpected pregnancy. Are we crazy? Background: I'm 30, my wife's 29, we've been married for 2 years. We're in a financially stable situation, and doing... alright, if not great. We have discussed children, and agreed that we never wanted one. Recently, due to a lapse in a mail-order refill, we got a little lazy and careless with the birth control.

Sure enough, she's pregnant. Her initial reaction was the same as mine, and the one I'd expected: call up Planned Parenthood and ask about medical abortion. An appointment was made, but as the day approached she became more and more despondent.

I took the morning off of work when she was supposed to go. That morning, she woke up sobbing, told me she really wanted to keep the baby, but she knew it wasn't what I wanted and she didn't want to do it on her own. I could not look her in the eye that morning and know that I was responsible for the way she was feeling, so I told her if it was truly what she wanted, we could keep it.

Now she's happy, except for when she notices the moments I've been having recently. As for myself... I'm in emotional turmoil. It's not what I'd wanted -- it's still not what I want -- and i feel a bit surprised and hurt at the deviation from our plan. Nevertheless, I feel I have to take responsibility for my part in creating this situation, and have to support the woman I've vowed to love, honor, and protect with what she so desperately wants.

Truth be told, though, I'm scared shitless. I've never had much of a life plan -- at 30, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up -- but what plan I had I now see disappearing. No long vacations with just the two of us, no lots of free time and free money to enjoy being young and upwardly mobile, lots more responsibility stretching out years and years ahead of me. It's just reassessing a lot of things I'd taken for granted.

I can't focus at work, I have sporadic crying fits, I've started smoking again and I've upped my daily dose of Ativan. I feel myself getting more and more used to the idea as days go by, but... I don't know. The two things I *do* know are that I love my wife dearly and want to let her have whatever she wants, and that if/when the child comes, I will do my damnedest to be the best parent possible.

They say no one's ever ready. Are my feelings normal? Am I doing the right thing? Are WE doing the right thing? .... I don't know how to handle this right now.

Friends don't stress friends out!

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:49:39 -0800

How do you extricate yourself from a family-oriented friendship? Very long and pathetic story to follow. About eighteen months ago, my child became friendly with a classmate. We hosted a play date that went swimmingly well. I liked the Mom quite a bit. This led to a reciprocated play date at their house, where we eventually ended up becoming family friends – Dads enjoyed each other’s company, kids played nice, Moms hung out. All was good. I thought it was great that we all were nice new friends. In fact, we spent the majority of the summer together, and even did holidays at each other’s houses.

Well, as my friendship with the new Mom evolved, she started to confide in me that she was involved in a long-established affair with another married male (who also had kids), and had long ago kind of checked out on her marriage. In fact, she actually hated her husband. Now mind you, our kids are now absolute buddies, and talk about each other endlessly and go to school together five days a week in the same class. I was kind of OK with just being aware of the situation, but as time went on, the volunteering of information became, well, a little TMI. The wheres, the whens, the hows. It was mentioned to me that there was a pregnancy scare and Plan B was involved. When I kind of brought up the What the FUCK?! Factor, as in, don’t you have enough going on? She said that they (she and her, uh, paramour?) discussed the thought of having a baby together and liked the idea, but then freaked when the possibility became a reality and bailed. TWICE. When I asked what would happen should the Plan B not work, how would she deal with the fact that she wasn’t sleeping with her spouse (except for the occasional mercy fuck) yet somehow get pregnant? She said that her husband wouldn't be smart enough to figure it out. (She is forever talking shit about him/his intelligence, etc.)

I tried to remain outside of the circle, especially since her husband happens to be a really nice guy. He apparently was aware that she had fooled around on him at one point, but was under the impression that it had ended a while back (to date, it’s now been about three years running). I also asked why they don’t just get a divorce; she sighted financial reasons, and also claimed that for all his faults, her husband is, in fact, a good father. They supposedly attempted counseling, though I never heard more about that after one or two tries.

Her child left the school to go on to a different district last year, so that kind of helped separate the situation. Still the kids missed each other, and I would regularly get calls and emails asking for play dates. I would kind of blow them off, or we would end up rescheduling. The few times we did get together, the conversation was kept very basic. My child regularly talked about how much she missed her friend, and would beg me to call the Mom and see when we could get together (this still happens pretty frequently). I try and change the topic, not really giving an answer, or say that everybody's busy the next few weekends, not really knowing how to explain the situation.

We went for about four or five months without communicating and I suddenly got a call about two weeks ago. It was a really bad time for me to talk and I never returned the call or sent an email.

And now to convolute the story further, her husband found me on FB this morning, wanting to know how I’ve been, and what’s been going on. Inevitably, he’s going to ask why I haven’t been around and what’s the story. It kills me to know what is going on, yet I feel I have no right (nor do I have any intention) to tell him.

How am I supposed to explain to my kid that I cut off our relationship with this family because of this person’s scruples?

Throwaway email: harriedparent@gmail.com

I saw mommy kissing an alcoholic neanderthal...

kaseijin — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 13:25:42 -0800

I am deeply concerned for my mother, and hate her boyfriend.
My mother, an historically level-headed and intelligent woman has taken up with a man that really is far beneath her.

First, some back story. The poor woman really did go through a lot in the last few years: a particularly dramatic and acrimonious divorce from her second husband (not my father), a bout of West Nile (the bad kind... not that there is a good kind, per se, but she had all of the encephalitis and macular damage and is still somewhat foggy-memoried), and the death of her father (to whom she was very close).

I was happy to hear that she had started dating again, since she had frankly wallowed for a while in a sort of exaggerated victimhood in the wake of her West Nile experience. She has always been the type of person to pick herself up after anything that comes her way, dust herself off, and continue on her path.

For the last 15 years, she has been active in AlAnon, and served as a sponsor to many members. She works for Hospice assisting the terminally ill, and she has a generous spirit and always gives very sage advice to her friends and family.

Turns out the guy she's dating, though, is just a creep. He's 20 years younger than her, has been unemployed for over a year and shows absolutely no sign whatsoever of getting any sort of job in the foreseeable future, moved in with her 5 months ago (after losing his own apartment), drinks himself into a stupor every day at the sort of bar that caters to professional alcoholics, is a staunch new-Earth creationist (adding this point only as the rest of the family, Mom included, place a high value on science and are also alarmingly secular to the point of functionally being atheist...so it's a strange sort of pairing), has all the social grace of a cave troll (example... I purchased my mother a very nice chef's knife for Christmas, and this clod proudly proclaims, "That knife's so pretty, if it had a pussy I'd fuck it!"). He does absolutely disgusting things like refer to her not by her name, but as "lover" -- even when talking to her family *about* her (..."when lover and I were out at..."). For the sake of this discussion, we'll call this lovely and endearing specimen "Joey".

Since Mom has been dating Joey, she has stopped sponsoring AlAnon, and she now closes the bar every night with Joey. Her work performance has slipped off, and she has been functionally demoted. Her once-pristine and well-tended house is now a complete, smelly disaster area wherein Joey's persian cat and dachshund freely defecate. She and Joey are looking for a new house together (she's buying, he's just living there like a lump). She has become withdrawn, as none of her family or friends can really tolerate Joey.

Now, aside from all of the irritation of having what is essentially a freeloading, alcoholic mooch living with your parent, I have (until now) mostly adopted an attitude of "It's not my relationship. I am not dating Joey. Leave it alone, and if he makes her happy in whatever strange way he does, then it's her business."

The problem with that, though, is in how immaturely she has handled that attitude. When I didn't want to talk to her about Joey (can't say anything nice? Don't say anything at all), she got offended and turned on the waterworks and the passive aggression. When I broke down and talked to her about Joey, I became the enemy. We made up, and I tried to give Joey another chance which ended in an unmitigated disaster. I have since reiterated to her on more than one occasion that, while I love her dearly and she is always welcome in my house, I do not really want to spend time with Joey. She has said that Joey is the last man she ever wants to date.

The thing is, I'm actually getting worried about her. She has never been like this! The drinking is bad enough, but if you had told me even two years ago that she would ever take up with an jobless alcoholic, I would have laughed in your face. Not a single one of her friends or family like this man and instead of listening to frank and honest discussion, she instead gets more withdrawn.

She hardly even speaks to me anymore, and I am becoming more and more aware that she has essentially picked this neanderthal over her entire former existence, children included.

I thought I was doing well here, but honestly... How the hell do I approach this? I am having the damnedest time attempting to balance my desire to stay out of another person's personal affairs with my honest concern for my mother's alarming recent behavior.

Please hope!

Tips for single dad

ian1977 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 08:36:25 -0800

Looking for tips, advice, how-to's, words of wisdom, dire warnings, helpful websites/blogs/books, and general info on single parenting in general...and for single parenting for a dad raising an almost 3yo in particular. My daughter's mom and I have been separated for several months now...its all well and good and not the crux of my question.

The first few months of the separation were survival mode: living arrangements, bills, divorce stuff, etc.

Now that the dust is settling I am looking forward to honing my routine and techniques as a single parent. To that end I am looking for any advice or tips or resources you might have found helpful. Specifically to a dad raising a daughter.

Pertinent info: I have my daughter half the week. She is 2 2/3rds years old. I am single, although I've been on dates...no one has met my daughter yet of course. Mom is about to cohabitate with bf. Mom and I get along well and it gets better as time passes.

I am looking for very practical advice (pigtails still elude me, is there a how-to?) and more inspirational abstract type stuff as well.

I know there is a plethora of websites to be had from a simple google search, but I am hoping to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Thanks!

How to balance work/life with a dying parent?

burlsube — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:56:47 -0800

My mother has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She has decided to stop treatment as chemotherapy is not working and surgery/radiation is not an option. The oncologist estimates she has about one month left. I have the option of taking FMLA and spending all of my time with her during her last days if I want. But I am not sure that would be the healthiest option for me. My mother says just take a day or two a week and try to live as normal a life as possible. But I feel selfish living my life while she is dying. Any one ever have a similar experience?

Why do I suddenly want a child?

thankyouforyourconsideration — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 02:54:58 -0800

I've always felt I didn't want/shouldn't have babies. Lately, (I'm 25) I've been having strong thoughts (and dreams) that I really want a child. It's scaring me a bit. Some friends have told me it might be normal at this age. Please help me understand or share your experiences. I've always been the kind of girl who thought she might never want or have kids. I enjoy that I can be selfish, I like to sleep, I live my life how I want. I have a maternal instinct with friends and family, and they know it but I always thought I was too much of a control freak to raise a kid.
I don't have or really want a boyfriend, let alone a baby's daddy, but lately I have a really, really strong desire for a child. It seems to have come out of nowhere. I've never felt anything like this and I'm scared of these feelings/hormones/emotions. Could this just be a temporary hormonal thing? I thought the biological clock started ticking closer to late thirties- am I just fertile right now?

Any anecdotes, advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated as I don't understand what is happening to me.

One last note...The idea of being pregnant or giving birth is not appealing at all, but the mother idea is. I've had dreams about taking care of other people's kids and met a single dad recently who I found myself very attracted to. I thought that helping him raise his child would be really wonderful. This all feels foreign and scary, please help me understand!! Thanks!

What to expect from a parent interview at a Quaker or Montessori school?

cocoagirl — Wed, 27 May 2009 11:02:57 -0800

What sorts of questions will a Quaker or Montessori school ask me, the parent of a prospective student? I'm looking at schools for my 4-year-old, and part of the admissions process is an interview of the parents. What sorts of things can I expect to be asked by a (fairly secular) Quaker school and a Montessori school? I have a naturally curious learner and would like to find a school that's a good fit (that is, I'm not interested in trying to deduce the "right" answers to get in), but never having done this before I'm unsure what to expect.

How should I deal with my Alzheimer's father?

Anonymous — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:40:32 -0800

How should I deal with my Alzheimer's father? I have had problems with my father going back ages. He has been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to not only me, but my sibling and mother as well. I had almost convinced my mom to leave him when he got Alzheimer's, and now we're stuck caring for him. I say "stuck" because he has 6 other adult children (from 2 previous marriages!) who have provided us with little help.
The fact of the matter is that I have hated him for a long time, and mostly just avoided speaking to him, being near him, etc. (difficult to do when you're living under the same roof). When I did have to confront him (to defend my mom or bro), I would do it, though I'd be scared out of my mind, because it was okay to go after someone who's just a jerk.

Now that he's sick, however, I can't do it anymore, partially because of my own sensibilities (can't attack the weak) and partially because of what others would say or do.

Problem is, he's no less of an a**hole than when he was healthy. A few days ago, he ended up hitting me (just on my arm) after I tried explaining to him that no, we aren't keeping his money, it's just that he keeps losing it after we give it to him. Today, I told him to please not put some dusty records on top of our clean dining table (I care for him in the mornings before heading off to work and class in order to help my mom out), and he responded "F**k you b**ch, idiot, useless, worst child I've ever had" (mind you, none of the others have cared for him), etc.
It's killing me to not be able to retaliate. I feel so powerless, and I hate that more than anything. I want to just stick him in some home, or leave myself, but neither one of those are options right now. In the meantime, my brother (who has his own problems, i.e. teen with an Autism spectrum disorder) is acting up, my mom is stressed to the point of becoming physically ill, and I'm having a hard time focusing on getting my stuff (e.g. schoolwork) done.

So what can I do? Yoga? Stay outside the house more? Don't say therapy, I'm already doing that but it's not enough for just getting through the day-to-day stuff. The powerless thing is probably the clincher - if I felt stronger, I could probably handle it better.

Sorry this is so long; I think I partly needed to rant, in addition to looking for some answers. Thanks to anybody who can provide help.

Is this hopeless?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 16:15:39 -0800

My mother took out credit cards in my name. She is now filing bankruptcy, and she is not able to continue paying the debt that's in my name. My husband's upcoming job will preclude us from filing bankruptcy for the debt in my name. Is there any way I can avoid paying $35k of debt she charged up in my name without suing her or otherwise getting her into serious legal trouble? I want to say first that I'm going to see a financial advisor asap. What I'm looking for is any information someone who has been in this situation before can give me.

When I was a teenager, my mom took out credit cards in my name because she had too much credit to get them in her name. She paid these credit cards for nearly a decade. It was with my knowledge, but I was a teenager so there wasn't a lot I could do either way, and even if there was something I could have done I'm sure you can understand why I didn't feel that I was in a position to say no. I figured she was paying for them, so it wasn't a huge deal. For the while that she could pay for them, I had good credit so I figured it must be okay. Plus there were pressing medical issues in the family that complicated things financially, which is why my mom had too much credit in the first place; it was the only way we could get by. When I got a bit older (I'm in my mid-20s) I didn't know what to do about the credit in my name because by then, it had snowballed to the point where all she could do was live off credit cards. I didn't want to put her in a position where she could no longer get by, and she was still paying for the cards, so... You can see where this is going.

Recently her paycheck got cut in half. Suddenly all the things she could once pay for, she cannot anymore. She can barely afford much more than her house payment -- which nearly became undoable -- and utilities, so she is going to have to file bankruptcy. That's fine, but it only applies to the debt in her name, not mine. She is co-signer on almost all of my credit accounts, but from what I understand bankruptcy will not wipe that out -- it will just mean that I alone am responsible for the money. She will not have enough money to pay for the accounts in my name, either.

I would just file bankruptcy myself, except my husband is starting a job next month that will disqualify us from doing so, since he will make too much money to file.

Needless to say, I'm quite upset that I'm going to have to pay back $35,000 that I did not charge up, especially when I couldn't have done anything when she took the cards out in my name. However, I am unwilling to get her in legal trouble over it because I don't think ruining our relationship is worth it, and I don't feel right doing it because it's not like she spent the money on frivolous things. From what I understand, anyway, all I could do is take her to court over the amount of the money, and she doesn't have the money to give me.

Is there anything else I can do? Despite our not qualifying for bankruptcy, paying back that much money is going to be a serious financial problem for us.

I'm not looking for a lecture about how I should get my mom in trouble, or how I should have done something to take the credit away from her sooner. Getting her in trouble is not an option for me, and I can't change the past. I'm not going to let her use my credit anymore, and she won't need to anyway since she'll at least have enough for living expenses. What I am looking for is either a "you should look into this option" or a "no, a similar thing happened to me and there's nothing you can do."

How can I get alone time as a (new) parent?

El Curioso — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 23:48:12 -0800

Fellow introverts, and others who need lots of alone time: How did you deal with becoming a parent? We just had our first baby, which I am incredibly excited about. I'm also apprehensive, for many reasons, but one in particular: as a classic introvert I need a lot of alone time, and I gather that new babies (and children in general) are hell on that.

I don't feel like I get enough alone time as it is, partly through my own reluctance to ask for or demand it. (It feels "antisocial" or "selfish," or both.) It's been especially lacking the past nice months of the pregnancy when my wife couldn't do much and we ended up at home, together, a lot.

I'm thrilled to be a father. I want to share parenting duties as much as possible with my wife. Since we're both freelancers working from home, this will be easier, but it also seems like a recipe for no time to myself whatsoever for maybe years, and that's terrifying.

I don't want to be a remote parent, always looking for a way to escape from my family--either by literally going away (I travel a lot for work) or into the computer, books, etc at home. Yet I need serious amounts of solitude for my own sanity. How can I get it?

Tips for parenting with chronic illness

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 10:49:51 -0800

What are your tips for parenting small kids when you have a chronic illness? It looks like my chronic illness is coming out of remission after 3.5 years. I have children aged four and one. I'm a married stay at home mom and I have a successful, growing side business. My Crohn's Disease appears to be coming out of remission and it is probably at a 2/10 right now, in terms of how problematic it is (and compared to it's worst, which would be the 10). But it's been three weeks of this and I'm starting to get exhausted and my kids are tired of it. It's very difficult to be even a slightly attentive parent when you're running to the washroom for 10 minutes of every 30-60, if not more. And it makes getting out and doing normal things a bit of a challenge.

If it was just me, this flare up would be a downer, but not unbearable. It's just that learning how to manage this as a parent is the tricky bit. I try not to think about what I'll do if I become sicker. I try to focus on getting well and being the best parent I can be.

My husband and I do not have family nearby. I don't have any childcare, other than a couple of hours of preschool. I don't really want my kids in daycare or with a nanny. That's why I'm at home. But I recognize that I cannot control my illness and that I may need to consider child care if it gets worse or even stays like this for an extended period of time. (I am #300 on the waitlist for daycare and it is *incredibly* difficult to find a part-time nanny where I live.) So let us assume that, while I will explore child care options, it's not really something I can consider further. All my friends are either working or run their own businesses and can't really do more than provide very occasional emergency baby sitting.

So, ignoring child care, what are your tips for parenting small children when you're dealing with a chronic illness? I recognize that Crohn's is not the only or worst thing out there and that people parent while managing difficult health conditions all the time. But I'm new at this. So your tips are welcome. Thanks.

Mean teacher or loving educator???

winks007 — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 06:45:30 -0800

Is there a term for this? A high school honors teacher is being unreasonably hard on my daughter..... Overall a good student, the teacher (also the football coach) smokes and jokes with the boys in the class but, really comes down on the female students. According to the dean of students, he's only hard on her because he knows she's a good student.

It seems as though they always fall back on some old "cliche?" He only does that because he thinks she has potential. If she's taking 11th grade chemistry for her 10th grade honors class, isn't she already living up to her potential?

For the record, she does very well in school, gets along socailly with her peers in class and extra-cirricular activities. It just seems like there is always some asshole who says " I treat you this way becuase I like you" or something like that.

Is there a name for this behaviour? Also...how can I relay that to the coach that he is using the exact opposite technique than what her mother and I have used to help her get this far?

Grieving for my mom; looking for a DBT perspective; she was young

RobotHeart — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:07:38 -0800

I live in the Cleveland, Ohio area (live in upper far east side, work in lower far east side) and am looking for grief resources for any of the following: people with a DBT background who are grieving, people in their 20s who are grieving, people whose parents died young, "radical Catholics" or "glass-half-full agnostics" who are grieving, Italian-Americans who are grieving a fellow Italian, people who are grieving a loved one that died of a liver ailment. I am kind of an introvert, so while getting a feel for what groups are out there is good, I could also use websites, books, etc. re: same. Thanks. Further notes that may help you help me (and honestly maybe some of this is just talking about it, which they say helps):

My mom died a month ago today of autoimmune hepatitis. She was 52. She died at home, though she had been in and out of nursing homes and hospitals a lot. Though apparently she died from the liver failure itself, she had a lot of infections, as well as complications from the steroids she was taking to try and preserve her liver. She had a great deal of osteoporosis and neuralgia for the last year or so, and she'd had diabetes. So she was a far cry from the person I was used to interacting with even only a couple of years ago.

She had varying degrees of ammonia in her blood because her liver wasn't disposing of all the toxins, so one thing I am trying to sort out is whether she meant some things she said in the past year or so, or if that was the ammonia talking. That said, I know we both loved each other very much, and I think we both said what we needed to to each other with a clear head before she died.

She died in the house I am currently living in with my dad, where I've lived for 20 years except when I was off to college. I had put off moving out because of what was going on, and now I think I should move on and do that, but in a way that isn't too disruptive for my father. He and I both have plenty of relatives in the Cleveland area looking out for us. We'll see each other often, both alone and with our other family.

Though I took DBT group therapy when I was about 20, I do not fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD, and I feel worlds away from the person I was when I was 20. I have previously had depression, but I do not feel that my grief has moved beyond "normal" grief into anything else. In fact, when I went through a sort of denial period, I was worried that when I was eventually slammed with the reality of my mom's death, that it would be too big and I would need to move quickly and effectively to avoid crisis, but reality hit, I am not in crisis and now feel that as long as I am proactive and conscious of my grieving process, make time to cry and go through memories, that will not be a concern.

Her birthday is coming up in mid-September and I want to be ready, if that makes sense.

What should I (not) say in a wedding toast for my father?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 10:35:07 -0800

I am going to be my father's best man. What special considerations do I need to take into account for my toast? Any particularly good/bad examples of what to say based on experience? This will be my father's third marriage and his fiancee's second. They're both at about retirement age and don't want it to be a Big Deal.

The background: My mother (his first wife) passed away when I was young and a couple of her siblings--with whom my father is still fairly close--will be in attendance; his second wife is someone we are very glad is out of our lives now. His fiancee (the bride) is on good terms with her ex-husband and he and his wife will probably be in attendance as well. So there are a lot of odd (but not tense) relationship dynamics at play.

The upshot of what I want to say is I'm happy for him and I like her; they have complimentary interests and I think they'll be good together. I know that it's generally a good idea to not talk about previous marriages and I intend to work with that...I'm just wondering who/what else to acknowledge. I've seen good previous general toasting advice here, but it's the generational specifics that confound me.

Just the three of us

hadjiboy — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:45:45 -0800

Single mom/Single parent: How does one go about building a lasting relationship with a single mother, to show her that you will not only be there for her, but also for her son? (She's 22, and he's under five I'm assuming.) I'm pretty good with kids, but have no experience what-so-ever dealing with a child whose father is not in the picture. (We haven't yet discussed it in length, so I don't know the specifics of who the biological dad is, but I do know that this woman is special, and if there's any chance in hell--I would really, Really like to take things forward with her the best way I can.) Also, for any of the Single Parents out there: what's the best way to proceed in doing this. We've already started talking and have got a good rapport going, and I don't want to mess things up by asking the wrong questions (eg: when do I bring up the topic of her son in a little bit of detail?).

Thank you to anyone in advance who can shed some light on this for me. Much appreciated!

your baby mama is a crack head

kerfuffled — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:22:53 -0800

My boyfriend's son's mom accidentally left her cellphone in my boyfriend's car this afternoon. He looked through it and found text messages about her buying and selling drugs. So... now what? I know it was a bit shitty to go through her phone, but he's suspected that she's been on drugs for some time, and now those suspicions have been confirmed. None of the text messages mention the specific drug. He thinks it's meth based on her history, but maybe it could just be pot, which wouldn't be as big of a deal. Based on the times of the text messages, she doesn't seem to be doing anything when their son is with her.

So, what now?

He's torn between confronting her, or saving evidence of this for some time in the possible future when he tries to get custody of his son. But neither of us can think of a way of confronting her that will not lead to a lot of really ugly drama (refusing to let him see their son or moving far away or something equally insane), and neither of us know how to save the text messages for 'evidence' after he returns her phone.

Help!

Help a miserable 20something deal with her paranoid, overprotective father!

sansgras — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 20:26:16 -0800

Help a miserable 20something deal with her paranoid, overprotective father! Long story short: I need help dealing with an overprotective parent. His behavior and beliefs have been debilitating both developmentally and socially, and I can't stand to watch another stagnant year go by. I need to start living my life. I'm a 20 year old girl and a bit of an old soul. I've already graduated from college with honors and I'm almost done with my master's. I have a full time job. I'm attractive, I take care of myself, I have everything I want in the material sense, but I'm miserable. I don't have friends. I've never dated. I don't go out. I have no sense of enjoyment in my life. I don't know how to interact with people or cope with my anxiety. I grew up with an extremely overprotective father. He's from the Middle East, so it's largely a cultural issue, but he is paranoid to a pathological extent. The interesting thing is, he's a perfectly intelligent and logical man in every respect except this.

Growing up, I couldn't have friends or go to birthday parties because my friends might have fathers and fathers rape children, and unless he knew the parents, I couldn't go, and he wouldn't meet the parents because they're probably sick people, etc. etc. Typical thinking of my father. (My mother, on the other hand, is completely normal. Unfortunately, married to my father, she has no say in anything, so everything was always up to my father.) For a period of time, I had a boy's haircut and he encouraged me to wear male clothing. Forget about ever wearing a sleeveless shirt in public. When we went to the beach as a family, everyone sat in their bathing suits. I had to wear an oversized t-shirt and shorts. So obviously at an early age I had this idea ingrained in my head that I was ugly, my body was something to be ashamed of, etc. This, among other things, set the stage for the eating disorder I later developed.

I certainly made friends as a kid-- the social anxiety did not come until later-- but it was obviously difficult to explain to my peers that beyond school there would be no sleepovers or trips to the mall, etc.

By the time I reached high school age, I was depressed to the point of suicide. Understandably, people lose interest in you when they believe you are constantly blowing them off. I stopped talking to people entirely. I could easily spend a day at school without opening my mouth once, and even my teachers stopped interacting with me. Of course, my father was oblivious to my emotional issues. His reasoning was that I had everything I wanted or needed in life, and "some kids don't have parents who love them," and so I was ungrateful to "act" so sad. His still believes this today. He invalidates all of my feelings because I have nothing to feel bad about. According to him, he's the best dad anyone could ever want, however I am too ungrateful to realize it. Afterall, he did pay for the majority of my education, bought me a brand new car, pays for my insurance, etc. I don't know if I'm wrong in feeling this way, but while I fully appreciate his financial help, I still feel disrespected when he refuses to see me as a mature adult who is capable of making her own decisions.

After my first suicide attempt at 15, I did see a therapist and psychiatrist, but they offered little help, and eventually my father stopped allowing me to go to my sessions because he wasn't thrilled with the 'ideas' they were supposedly putting in my head. I tried to warn both my therapist and psychiatrist, but interestingly, they told me not to worry, my parents wouldn't do that, etc. (Yet another example of having my feelings invalidated...) I never saw them again.

As far as where I stand today, I'm an introspective person. I fully understand how and why I ended up the way I am. I understand that at this point I need professional help if I ever want to be normal. I'd love to find a good psychiatrist and therapist again, but my insurance is through my father, and I wouldn't be able to hide it from him... or would I?

It's also worth mentioning that I suffer from an eating disorder. I lack self-esteem and confidence entirely. I still suffer from general anxiety disorder, although it has gotten worse. I am visibly tense in public places and new situations, but I am comfortable around a few people I've come to know and trust. People tend to shy away from me because I appear arrogant, when the truth of the matter is, I don't even consider myself equal to anyone. I believe this idea that I'm arrogant comes from the fact that I don't open up to others easily, I don't smile, I have my guard up at all times (major fear of rejection), I have a hard time joking around and making small talk, and I dress myself in a manner than only makes me look like more of a snob. (The appearance bit is another can of worms -- I spend major cash on nice clothing, shoes, bags, beauty treatments, etc. I'm stuck on this idea that I can only establish my self worth through my outward appearance.) Everyone who knows me well jokes about this a lot because, according to them, once they get to know me, I'm actually a friendly, funny, and insightful person. It kills me knowing I have these qualities, but I can't allow them to be shown.

Everyday things tend to worry me and I unconsciously focus on the worst possible outcome in every situation. Few things in life are effortless for me. I've turned down my opportunities both directly and indirectly because of my lack of self-esteem and self-respect.
.
Today I can joke about my father's neuroses, but it's still something that has affected me, and continues to affect me, deeply. I think on some level my father realizes his mistakes. My parents raised my sister (I am the first child) completely differently. She was allowed to develop socially in a normal manner, and she's a happy girl. I can't help but think that could have been me. At 15, she's talking on the phone and making plans with friends. At 15, I was locking myself in bathrooms and mutilating my body.

Despite all of this, I managed to perform very well in college. I had to turn down a competitive graduate program in another state because of my father's unwillingness to let me move (clearly, it's not safe!), and instead take part in something less desireable, but there is nothing I can do to change that now. I plan to apply to medical school soon, but of course, only to schools in states in which my father is willing to live, because he's coming with me. I met a lot of nice people during undergrad, but I never allowed myself to get close to them, never returned calls, etc. and eventually they stopped calling. Again, I never dated. I didn't go to a single party. I studied and established by self-worth through my grades and academic endeavors, which I'm not even proud of. I still feel like a fraud.

So with all that explaining, the problem is, I'm miserable. I want to have friends, I want to go out and meet new people, I'd love to start dating. I'm always told that I would meet so many guys if I simply just went out, but I'm too scared. Of intimacy. Of letting someone into my personal space. Of just having a close friend. I don't know what any of that is like!

I realize at this age my father can't force me to abide by his rules, but when for 20 years you've grown up with this idea that the world is unsafe and people are twisted and you're helpless and incompetent, it's very difficult to just get up one day and conquer the world. It just doesn't work like that. Most people who know me well are surprised to learn I live in such seclusion, because I don't appear as someone who would. Outwardly, I am attractive, presentable, articulate, and can put on a smiling face. On the inside, I'm terrified of people and rejection ever more so.

I went out to lunch with two female friends the other day, and it absolutely killed my father to watch me leave the house. When it's such a hassle to do something a simple as meeting up with some friends during the day for lunch (only having to rush home as soon as possible to show that I'm alive and okay), I'm not inclined to keep making an effort to socialize.

I also recently went on a lunch date with a guy I'm very interested in dating. (I've recently decided that I absolutely need a boyfriend, and this will bring me happiness and contentment. Flawed logic, believe me I know, but I'm lonely and desperate). We're compatible and completely on the same page, and I want this to work, but yet I know it never would when I know my father is halfway out of the driveway at 9 p.m. if I'm not home from work. What's even more pathetic, I have to drown myself in benzodiazepines if I want to simply interact with the guy in any manner. I'm sure if he knew this, he'd cut off contact with me immediately. I actually threw up from anxiety the other day after working up the nerve to call him and make a date.

So I guess I'm just looking for general advice. How can I explain to my parents that I need to be in therapy? That my crying and perpetual frowning and starving is not an act, but the only way I know how to cope? That I truly am unhappy? How can I get them to give me more independence and trust my reasoning (when they have no reason not to)? How can I make them see that I've already done so much at such a young age, that I have a good head on my shoulders, that other people are proud of me, that going out and having fun will not be a detriment to my health or future?

I hate sneaking around, and I'd really like to avoid an arguement, but everytime I've asked my father these questions, I've received the same response. He's older and wiser; therefore he knows what's best. He's a black and white thinker, so the second I ask for independence, he screams and interprets that as saying I don't need him at all. Very childish... I suppose I think I already know the answer to my questions: I'll never be able to change my father or the past, and the best solution is to move out on my own. But that's easier said than done, when you were raised to believe you are incompetent. Help!

How do we help a 17 year old kicked out of the house?

Leenie — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:35:12 -0800

How do we help a 17 year old kicked out of the house get his property and identification? The story:

He was born to a family with two older siblings. The birth mother gave the two youngest up for adoption. The adopted mother raised them until her death. The oldest of the adopted kids adopted all of the others and basically assumed the 'mother' role. She and her husband raised all of the kids. The couple used the two brothers Social Security survivor benefits to help raise the kids.

At the age of 18, each of the kids is kicked out of the house, only those under 18 remain. Almost two years ago, his older brother passed away, leaving him without a known blood relative.

Our friend was kicked out two month's shy of his 18th birthday. He was told to never come back. He only has the clothes on his back. They will not even accept a phone call from him now. The property has a new gate and lock on it.

In his bedroom is all of his identification and personal property.

If we involve the Police, this can get messy. Would he be taken back home where they don't want him? Foster care? Left to decide for self? Who knows... But we need the Police involved to at least get his ID. They couple has started throwing away and donating all of the possessions he left behind. If we wait until he is 18, there may no be anything left.

Among the possessions are photographs of his dead brother. If we wait, they may be gone too...

There is also a birth certificate in the room of the person with the "mother" role. He has never seen it, does not know if it contains birth parent info, or not. Among the photographs is a photo of the oldest sibling with the two that where given up for adoption, a sister, from his real mother. A sister. This photo was taken before the adoption took place.

Most of the clothes, music, etc can be replaced. ID and photographs are the only real items in question. The other property doesn't matter much.

Any advice on how we can help him?

How can I parent a teen in a less antagonizing way?

k8t — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 17:05:59 -0800

How can I make my household more functional and less antagonistic this summer? Tons of details inside. My boyfriend and I live together and have a happy household. We have invited/allowed a 20-year-old young woman to stay with us, for free, for the summer. My relationship with this young woman is complicated, but briefly, she is from a very poor former Soviet country and I knew her family in her home country. She came to the U.S. on a scam and I helped her out of it and got her enrolled in college. I give her some financial support and a lot of emotional support. We are pretty much all she has for support in the U.S. and her parents aren't easily contactable.

She has lived with us on and off during school breaks over the past few years, but during the last winter break things were tougher than they had been in the past. We argued a lot and my boyfriend and I were quite frustrated with her (as will be detailed below).

We were more tolerant of her irresponsible behavior when she was 17, 18... but she has been in college for for over 2 years now and isn't showing any signs of growing more responsible. Examples: she was feeding the neighbor's cat, had their spare key and a borrowed book and although she has been asked by the neighbor and myself once a week via e-mail or phone since January, has yet to put the key or book in the mail; I had to REALLY nag her to send me her tax documentation - took her until last week to send 2 pieces of paper to me; she misplaces important documents, wallet often; she is bad at keeping a budget; when scholarships require transcripts and letters of recommendation she just won't get them; she chooses to eat candy all day long (fine - let your own teeth rot out); she won't take advice on wearing a sweater when it is chilly outside, goes out in shorts and tank top instead. I could go on. (She isn't disorganized per se and procrastinates like any college student.) In my opinion this is beyond 20-year-old college junior behavior. Maybe it is more normal than I suspect...

My boyfriend and I told her in the winter that we wanted to see improve responsible behavior from her - mainly in her budgeting. We set specific tasks (send a monthly budget update, send your tax documents, take classes this semester that actually count toward your major so you can finish on time) which were not met. We told her that we felt more comfortable with her staying with us all summer if she was being productive, namely had a steady babysitting job, enrolled in 1 or 2 classes that she needs to take for her major, and take a GRE prep course (as opposed to the hanging around the house that she tried to do all winter break). This is all taken care of, but I want to know what I can do to make things less antagonistic in our household. I don't know how to "raise" a teenager.

What I've been doing for the past few years:
- Let her make all her own choices, a la roommate style, I don't cook for her, clean up after her. If she leaves dishes out or something, I ask her to clean it up in the same way I would a roommate.
- If she walks out the door in inappropriate clothes for the weather, I say to her "it may be a little chilly once the sun sets." Or if she starts going for a run at 7pm, I'll say "the sun is probably going to set in 25 minutes, you may want to take a flashlight." (Should I stop doing this and let her "make her own choices"?)
- If I notice that her homework isn't done (ex. bookbag hasn't moved from table), I ask her if she got her homework done. (Should I stop this?)
- When she tells me about parties or drinking, I really suggest to her (very petite) to drink responsibly.

As you can imagine, these "helpful" requests create a level of stress in our household that isn't usually there between the 2 adults. I could stop trying to be helpful, but then silently stress about her doing her homework, getting bad grades, freezing her ass off, getting drunk. She doesn't like being told what to do, natch. How do parents of teens do this sort of "helping" without being a nag and creating this stress for all of us?