Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with paranoia

I'm worried about my undue tooth concern.

emperor.seamus — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 21:29:35 -0800

I am beginning to worry irrationally and frequently about the possibility of my teeth falling out when they are obviously fine, Is this something I should talked to a therapist about? Okay, I don't have the best Oral health in the world, I won't lie about that, but right now? I have no unfilled cavities, no pain, occasionally a little blood on my brush, but beyond that? No real problems. Still, over the last couple of months I've been getting really really afraid that my teeth are going to fall out, not even the realistic rot away falling out either, more like when your milk teeth fall out. I'm spending hours at a time tonguing at one immovable tooth where I think I felt a little bit of looseness, or searching the top parts where they fit into the gums for a gap that might suggest one of them is starting to weaken.

I mentioned it to a friend of mine today, and realized for the first time that this is really really unlike me. I rarely even worry about things that are important, and I don't tend to dwell on things like illnesses I might get, or bad things that might happen. So I guess my question is, is this something I should worry about in terms of like, I don't know, a psychological problem? I've never had any issues in that area before, so I don't know if this is the kind of thing that they manifest as, and like I say, normally I'd just forget about it, but I've been worrying about my teeth progressively since around the start of October when I went back to university.

My university has free mental health staff (I'm afraid that's as specific as I can get, because I've only heard about this briefly in freshers week) to work with students, so money isn't likely be too much of an issue in whether or not I'm able to go and see someone, I'd just prefer not to waste anyone's time if this is just normal healthy worrying I'm doing.

If I'm just being stupid I'd really love to be told that, but it's bothering me that this is at once so persistent, to out of character for me, and so irrational.

Full disclosure: I have been watching a lot of The Sopranos lately. I don't think I'm that easily swayed? But I don't like to give myself too much credit either...

How should I respond to a delusional email from my mother who is suffering from paranoia?

Anonymous — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 08:34:31 -0800

How should I respond to a delusional email from my mother who is suffering from paranoia? A few moths ago, I posted this askme, and shared the helpful suggestions with my siblings.

Since then, my mother’s paranoia has continued to scale upwards. She’s been living with my brother and he has tried to help her and to get this looked at by her doctor, but she’s been very resistant to this. During this time, my mother has not mentioned any of this to me, although I’ve been getting updates from my sister in-law via email.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago after a couple of middle of the night 911 calls by my mom with claims she was being gassed by my brother and his family. I can’t imagine the stress their household has been under, but this at least seems to have had the effect of getting my mom’s condition looked at seriously, and hopefully will result in treatment in the long run that will help clear up her delusions.

However, last night I received an email from my Momtelling me that she was expecting my brother and his wife to kill her that evening and that she'd email me again if she survived the night.

And this morning I did indeed get an email from her letting me know she’s still there and to expect further such reports.

She had shared a little bit of such delusions with me in the past, but at that time, they were not nearly so full blown and she also only mentioned them in passing. I was able to be supportive and direct the subject to other things.

So, my question is for those of you who’ve had to deal directly with delusional and paranoid loved ones. What is the best (or least worst) way to respond to this? Should I (as my brother has tried constantly to do – clearly with no good result) try to reason with her? Should I ignore it? What? I suppose I could just try to generally supportive and loving and elide all of this, but that doesn’t seem terribly realistic either.

I’ll be checking in soon with my SIL about all of this to give her and my brother a heads up and to see what I might be able to offer them.

Email account: concernedson@gmail.com is still active. Thanks.

I never planned on anyone but me looking at my files

EatTheWeak — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 10:42:36 -0800

My computer requires professional attention, but there's stuff I'd rather keep private sitting on my hard drive right now. How concerned should I be about what a technician might see/go looking for while working on my machine? So, for awhile now, my computer has had some manner of undiagnosed hardware trouble that led to frequent freeze-ups. A couple weeks ago, whatever was failing has finally failed and now when I flip the switch on my power source, the lights on the case come on for a split second before going dark, the fans spin for about as long before stopping and the power button on front does absolutely nothing. This is beyond my power to diagnose, let alone fix, so I need to take this machine into the shop and let a professional do it properly. I'm due for a graphics card upgrade at this point any way, so I'm not too fussed about paying a technician to make this thing work right again.

The trouble is that there's a few things on my hard drive that I would prefer not to explain to a stranger. Much of my music collection is on there, for instance, much of it (ahem) "borrowed" from sources I'd rather not name. My browser history has not been cleared and I might even have an embarrassing website or two bookmarked. A Word file I was using as a personal journal is on there as well, and maybe a few other things I can't remember for sure. I'm pretty confident I don't actually have any porno saved on there right now, though, so that's a plus, at least.

I'm not taking it to Best Buy, as I've read much of Geek Squad's reputation for trawling customers' hard drives, but a locally owned shop instead. I'm a bit prone to paranoia, and I'm aware that my perceptions of risk here might be a bit skewed, so I'd really like to hear from folks who have intimate knowledge of the computer repair business on this topic. None of my computer's issues are software related (I've reinstalled windows too many times without solving the freeze-up problem for that to be the case) so I know that anyone working on my machine wouldn't really have much of a reason to spend too much time looking around my drive, but that doesn't account for the voyeuristic impulse. Also, there's a chance that new hardware might be installed, which would call for the installation of new drivers.

Have you worked in a computer repair shop? Was poking around in a customer's files commonplace or verboten? Would someone working on my power source, motherboard or graphics card have a reason to open up my web browser? One counter-measure I've considered is to simply buy a blank hard drive and slap that in there, and say that I noticed this problem after installing the new one. However, I'd rather avoid this expense as I still don't know how drastic my repair costs are gonna be. Also, I don't know if a machine with a blank, unformatted drive is gonna be tougher to diagnose and repair.

So, what do you think, AskMe? Is this a legitimate concern or am I making a lot out of nothing? (it wouldn't be the first time) How much risk is the average customer's privacy at in the average computer repair shop? How would you proceed?

My Dads Paranoia?

Neonshock — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:19:59 -0800

What can I do about my Dad's paranoia? Some background info first...I live (24) with my parents (mid to late 50’s) in the suburbs of London (UK). We have lived here for nearly fifteen years and almost since day one there has been some kind of anti-social behaviour in our estate. My parents are foster carers and throughout this fifteen years have had one or more (usually two or three) kids living with them (6-16) with varying different issues. There are a catalogue of things that have occurred; smashed windows, things been thrown at our house, verbal abuse, our door has been kicked down etc…These kids I think see our house as a target as my parents will always call the police (they have to as the children are/may be at risk), but cannot actually ‘do’ anything (physical - not that they would) but these kids know no one will come out chasing them down the street, threaten them or whatever (“You cant lay a finger on me Guv!” kinda thing,).
In the last year or so this has really calmed down and we hardly have any problems. There is a community policeman who visits about once a week and is a great support. My Dad has always been super neurotic and anxious in general but especially about these situations. Eg. If something gets thrown at our window and just makes a bang, me and my Mum will ignore it and they will usually go away. My dad will look through the curtains, see who it is, go outside and look through the cracks in the fence, come in and shout at us about it. Repeat this pattern, come in and start swearing and saying were under attack and we have to do something. Go and look again. Shout at us and wonder aloud what they are going to do next. Pace, sit down and shake, pace, shout…this will go on for hours, he will image the worst; “they’re gonna do it again and smash it…what if they push something through the letterbox….I want to go to the shops but cant…etc”.
Last night there was a big bang in the house (sounded to me like something falling over upstairs) my Dad jumped up and ran upstairs, couldn’t find anything, came downstairs and said “someone threw something” I said they didn’t and that it was defiantly from inside the house. He went on about it a bit in his usual way and I said clearly and firmly (I’m ashamed I have to take this tone with him, but he acts like a child, sorry.) “Look the noise came from inside, everyone heard it, and we think its probably next door (usually noisy) you need to drop this now, nothing happened, calm down.” I went upstairs.
I came down stairs late in the night to get a drink and my mum was up. She told me that after I had left dad had been going on and on, he had studied the window and decided there were cracks in it, shouted at my mum etc…. And now she didn’t want to go to bed as he would just continue harping on.
The next day he admitted that what he thought were cracks were smudges. This is a general pattern, he will work himself to near hysteria, go on for 12 hours then figure he was wrong or something and go quiet.
My question is…what can I do? It affects everyone and it always has but now I will be moving out soon and I’m worried about my Mum and my foster siblings handling him (I seem to be the only one he half way listens to,.He is very angry towards my mum sometimes when he is shouting), and my Mum cannot deal with it well (more likely to ignore him, shout back or clam up. I’m scared he will become so paranoid he will develop mental problems or worry himself into a heart-attack. Last year I bought him a self-help book about relaxing and letting things go for Christmas but my Dad is a stuffy old man from the North so…anything like that isn’t really an option. What can I do? How can I let him let go of things and be less paranoid? I’m at my wits end and it is very upsetting.

Thanks for reading guys.

Too Hot Not To Handle

Ash3000 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:39:33 -0800

A friend, who leans Ron Paul libertarian, was recently trying to convince me that anthropogenic global warming is largely a myth. A central part of his argument was his claiming that there was recently a petition signed by 40,000 independent climate scientists saying that, in his words, "so-called global warming is bullshit." More inside. I'm no climate scientist, but I feel like I have a fairly good layman's grasp on the basics of climate change, and have heard of a few such "petitions" that generally end up being filled with non-scientists, or those on the fringe, or those who are corporate-sponsored - but I'd never heard of this petition.

I asked him to cite what exactly he was referring to, and he said he couldn't remember the sourcing at the moment (it was a loud bar night), but rest assured that the whole idea of a consensus about climate change is part of the push for one-world government.

The one-world-paranoia aside, does anyone know what he might have been referring to? I couldn't find anything googling for the number 40,000, but 30,000 yielded this. Might that be it?

I think he absorbs a fair amount of fringe-right media - can anyone give me the straight dope on the sort of things that are being circulated as "proof against climate change" that this may have been a part of, and what the common refutations are against this specific petition (if you know it), or such petitions generally? Or just a way to use this as an excuse to learn more? I'd like to continue these conversations with him, but I feel like he keeps on citing research that he reads in newsletters and the like.

(Also, while I'm here, he claimed that carbon taxation, especially in its current legislative form in Congress, is a secret tool to constrict all industry, and that Al Gore is just trying to profiteer for his private business. What're the arguments against these specific claims?)

What kind of insect stung me?

m_lazarus — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 09:36:38 -0800

InsectBiteFilter. Help! Last Sunday in Phoenix, Arizona I was chilling outside and then some insect stung/bit/injected my neck. It was not a bee/wasp/spider/ant. It was a tannish brown color and I think it had transparent green wings but I can't recall for sure. It was about half an inch long. I tried to just forget about it but each day the sting gets more painful. I just hope there's no brood in my neck. Anyone know what kind of critter this could be? And, yes, I know I should go to the doctor but I wanted some hive-mind reassurance that I'll be fine. Thank you so much! Dang bugs.

Do you spy the spy?

overglow — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 11:27:23 -0800

Help me find this essay about a spy... A while ago I read an essay online about a somewhat famous blogger/writer who focused on espionage. I'm pretty sure the essay was published on Radar-Online, probably two or three years ago. The person writing the essay talked about how interviewing the espionage writer was very much like dealing with a spy--they were secretive and wanted to only meet in certain places and generally acted paranoid and had a very interesting, murky past. The essay was fairly long. If you read the essay too and could point me to where it was, that would be great. But guesses as to who it could be about are welcome too. Thanks!

How safe are subscription VPNs?

reformedjerk — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:30:03 -0800

How safe exactly is a subscription VPN like Witopia? I'm considering getting witopia for hulu, bbc, and pandora access. I've read questions about subscription based VPNs here before, but none of them ask what seems to me like an obvious question: how can you be sure that Witopia isn't doing some sort of snooping of the traffic themselves? Obviously, I'm just being paranoid, but let's say I'm using its VPN, in theory I don't have to worry about them getting CC and password info from SSL pages, right? Perhaps they can snoop for cookies and hijack a session, but other than that can I be fairly confident in its security?

How much detail could the Hubble telescope see?

crazyray — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:35:38 -0800

What resolution would the Hubble Telescope be able to discern, if we pointed it at my back yard instead of into the stars? Would it be able to pick up individual blades of grass? Would it be able to see bacteria or anything not visible to the naked eye? Could it see the illuminated dial of my watch at night? For the sake of argument, assume that there is zero cloud cover or atmospheric interference. Also assume the camera and mirrors etc. would even work pointed towards the earth instead of away. Bonus points if you can show how you calculated the resolution.

What's Making My Mother Paranoid

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 06:42:23 -0800

My mother has become increasingly paranoid recently. How can I help her? My mother is in her late seventies. She had a mild heart attack in the early part of this decade, but now that she's stopped smoking and my siblings and I have gotten her out of a rotten housing situation a few years ago, she's been doing pretty well. She's still mobile, if achey, and is still quite sharp for the most part.

However, the situation we got her out of, where there were drug dealers living next to her, seems to have stuck with her. She has frequently told my brother who lives near her (and me a few times during visits) that the drug dealers are still after her, even though she's now living in a senior community and has never interacted with the police about any of that. We've seen no signs of it at all.

Just last week, it got worse. My mom moved in with my brother for several days, as she was too afraid to stay at her condo at the senior community. She also thought there were lurkers about outside at my brother's house.

AND to top it off, she started thinking that his wife was wanting to hurt her. I'd gotten concerned when I heard she'd left her condo and I had wondered if she was going to get worse, and it seems she has.

My brother's done what he could to talk her down. I've talked to her too by phone, but I'm nowhere nearby to offer much help other than reassurance and advice. I'm told she's going to be moving back to her place and my brother's going to be going with my mom to her doctor.

I've done a little reading online about this kind of issue with aging people and it seems that it could just be something that can be lived with, could be an early sign of oncoming dementia or it could even by a side effect of taking statins (and my mother does take some sort of cholesterol medication, but I haven't confirmed what it is). The thing is that for health stuff, the internet is often full of anecdotal bullshit and snake oil. And since I'm not a medical professional, I know I have a tough time sorting the wheat from the chaff there.

I know you are not my mom's doctor, but I would like to hear from anyone with experience with paranoia affecting the elderly so that I can figure out what information might be helpful to pass on to my brother for when he visits my mother's doctor. I have no idea how good or bad her doctor is, but it is my experience with my own GP that going in with some foreknowledge can be helpful.

Anyone wanting to ask any followup questions or contact me for any other reasons can use the following email address:

concernedson@googlemail.com

Thank you.

What's this lump and how can I fix it without health insurance?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 10:10:27 -0800

LadyFilter: I found a lump where there should not be a lump. (And it's not on my breast.) I do not have health insurance. What to do? A couple of days ago, I felt a lump toward the rear of my vaginal opening, on one side. (I feel it less from inside my vagina, more like "next to".) It's maybe a bit larger than grape-sized, and as far as I can tell, it hasn't changed sizes since I first noticed it. It definitely was not there a few days before. It doesn't hurt, though it's a little uncomfortable if I prod at it or think about it all the time (which I pretty much do, of course).

1. What could it be? It seems like it could be consistent with the location of a Bartholin cyst, but it's just my worried googling that's led me in that direction. Of course, my head is also filled with terrifying ideas like "hernia!" and "prolapse!" How likely are those things? And are there other things I could bite my nails over?

2. Are there things I can do that could potentially solve my problem without having to see a doctor? I suppose I'll have to see a doctor if the lump doesn't go away or get smaller within a few days (or maybe sooner?), but if there's something I could do for a couple of days to possibly help things along on their own, that would be my ideal.

3. Any advice about where I can see a doctor at minimal or no cost in Seattle, if need be? I am presently unemployed and uninsured, and already ruined my credit once before when I had the nerve to get meningitis without insurance a couple of years ago.

I'm in my late twenties. I did recently begin having sex with a new partner, but only twice so far, and we were very good about condom usage. All STD tests prior to this one partner have come up clean, so I very much doubt that's the issue. (Also, I would prefer to get this taken care of in a manner that allows me to continue having sex with this new partner, with a minimum of embarrassment!)

If I try to convince him I'm not a cop that just means I'm a cop.

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 10:09:00 -0800

My friend suddenly believes that everyone he knows is a police informant. This includes me. How can I help? A friend of mine had a run-in with the law about four years ago. The story goes that he went to a house party that was a setup and nearly everyone there was eventually led out in cuffs. He was on something at the time. I believed him at the time that he related this story, but I'm not sure how much is true at this point. He ended up temporarily in a behavioral health ward after this. His stated reason for going in was was to avoid surveillance.

A couple years later, I managed to get him invited to a different party thrown by some friends. The next day my friends call me and tell me he can no longer attend their events because he was going around telling everyone that they were undercover cops. At this point, I started to doubt his stories, because all the people he pointed out as cops at the party were the people throwing it.

He has been under some unrelated (I think) stress lately and is now talking to me about surveillance helicopters and vans going around his house. He believes that this surveillance is in response to a posting he made about the original incident on a message board. He also thinks that since he told me all about this that I have gotten the knock on my door and that I (like the rest of his friends and family) have been turned to a police informant.

Last I talked to him, it was pretty clear that any evidence or logic presented to him that conflicts with his theory will be rejected as part of the script he think I am reading from. He is trying to find a lawyer so that he can file a harassment suit against the police, which is obviously ludicrous.

I have other friends and family with psychiatric problems, but all of the depressive sort. I've never dealt with problems like this before in people I know. Is there anything I can do to help him? Or myself?

The person in question does take medication for ADD, if that might make a difference.

I have a throwaway email: notanarc@gmail.com

So Much Racier Online

scaryblackdeath — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:39:21 -0800

Facebook Security: Are there reliable security settings for Facebook so that I can talk about my job to my friends network without worrying about others seeing it? I enjoy talking about my job on my LiveJournal -- but I keep all names out of it, and it's friends-locked, so I'm not too worried. Recently, I've started up a Facebook account under my real name. My network of friends on that quickly mushroomed, including a great many who don't have LJ accounts.

I frequently read about people who've been fired because of stuff on Facebook -- either their own posts, or because of things others have posted that can get back to them. I don't want to be that guy.

FWIW, I'm a teacher. I'm personally so squeaky-clean that I would probably make Captain America jealous. I'm very blunt about my job, though, which is at times very silly and patently ridiculous. My friends circle outside of work includes a sizeable number of green-hair-nipple-rings-Pagan-sex-positive types.

What are my options for controlling my online life? Am I basically just rolling the dice even if I keep things listed as "friends only?"

Is my company getting ready to screw its employees?

Anonymous — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:19:18 -0800

The company I work for is behaving very strangely. Am I being paranoid, or should I start looking for a new job? (Posted anonymously for job security reasons.) In October, I began working for [Unnamed Technology Marketing Firm], and while it hasn't been a dream job, it's been tolerable enough. After the start of this year, however, things have taken a turn for the strange and stressful.

For starters, the company's partners have changed their relationship with us drones during our weekly meetings. What had been traditionally positive and upbeat discussions and motivation, e.g. "Hey, we did great last week, but we're falling a bit behind overall. Let's step it up, and we'll give you gift cards or whatnot if you do," has changed to "Hey, we're doing great, but IF YOU DON'T STOP DICKING AROUND ONLINE AND EXCEED THE GOALS WE SET THEN YOU MIGHT ALL GET FIRED. THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD. LOOK HOW MANY PEOPLE LOST THEIR JOBS LAST WEEK." Meanwhile, the company continues to hire new people, and blab to us about how well we're doing, and how we'll soon win a bid to be the exclusive marketing partner of [Major Information Technology Corporation], and that'll mean more growth.

Beyond that, there's been a paring back of the financial incentives for high production. The top performers have, traditionally, taken home bonuses of $10,000+, but they've been told that to earn the same bonuses as last year/year before last they need to essentially double their production. Not good.

Finally, I've noticed some internal management problems, in that the data we're given to work with is no longer being vetted. (Okay, I should come clean here. It's B2B telemarketing that we do.) This means that we'll get lists of companies to contact that are clearly unfit for the campaign we're working on. It's very unlikely, for example, that a small clinic in Fresno, CA with 170 employees has the number of network servers needed to be a company we can use. Yet, we have them to call and toss 'em, wasting our time. Apparently, the team that was in charge of this has been whittled from ten to one over the past two years, allegedly to pay those $10,000+ bonuses.

To top it off, the company was acquired in September by [European Technology Company], and the partners told us early on, that our company would get up to [multi-million dollar amount] based on our own revenue. I suspect that the partners have looked at the market, and are trying to inflate their revenue as best as possible so that they get their [multi-million dollar amount] and split it [number of partners]-ways 18 months from now, and bail.

This seems a bit paranoiac on the face of it, but it's not looking good. There's grumbling among the troops in the trenches. People I've spoken about this with see it my way, too.

MetaFilter, am I paranoid, or is this real? Should I quit now, or ride it out a bit longer? How do I explain that I'm leaving a job I haven't even been with for six months?

It twarn't me!

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:35:57 -0800

I started a new job a couple months ago at a small company, and since then, there has been some theft of company property. A computer was stolen, some HDMI cables, and a phone. Everyone seems to agree that it was either a current or former employee, since our office requires three different keys and a security code to get in. Because the thefts happened since I was hired (and to my knowledge, there were no such incidents prior to my arrival), I can't help but feel like I'm the prime suspect, and I'm suffering some moderate paranoia because of it. Compounding this is the fact that I'm pretty shy and I think this sometimes comes off as stand-offishness, and I worry that this makes me seem shifty, or at least less trustworthy.

I'm hoping that the security-code thing has some type of log that will prove that I wasn't there during the time the stuff was stolen. But until then, should I just try to relax and feel secure in the knowledge that I didn't steal the stuff? Or should I take some action to head off further suspicion?

Paranoia Self Destroyer

murrey — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 11:34:01 -0800

Help me not descend into extreme paranoia. Last night a male intruder approached me in my back yard. Police came and "caught" him. I have always been on the fairly cautious/paranoid side of personal security so I am afraid this incident may spiral downward to a place I do not want it to go. Any thoughts? (Longer story below) So last night, I was home with my boyfriend and our 4 dogs. I let them out one last time before bed and was sitting on my back stoop. The dogs then proceeded to start barking like crazy near the back fence and behind a shed I have. I didn't want them to wake the neighbors so I fussed and fussed at them until they came back in. I figured they just got each other going like they can do sometimes---how wrong I was.

While I was letting the dogs in the house, I was watching them and making sure my kitty didn't run out. When I looked back up about 15 seconds later, there was a man standing in a black hoody staring at me about 15 feet away. I shouted for my boyfriend and ran inside. TERRIFYING!!

The man said nothing and just went to the back fence, jumped it and stood there staring at my house. The police came about 5 minutes later and brought him in the street for questioning. The police told me they could not arrest him but that he seemed emotionally disturbed and would take him to some shelter this evening. (I found out today that they just let him walk away down the street---WTF???? I am already dealing with this)

So here is the question. I live near a downtown city in a very nice and safe (usually) neighborhood. I chose to live here because it is generally a safe neighborhood and I know about my personal safety issues. For example, when I walk down my well lit street at night, I am constantly scanning my environment and usually walk in the middle of the street to avoid the jumping-out-of-the-bushes-rapist who may be lurking there. I also carry mace. Can't be too safe right? I am okay with this level of caution. Some might think it's a bit much but it is not debilitating and I sleep well at night.

Now that this has happened, I am afraid of going to a place that I can't relax at all in my home. I have a great front porch that I love to sit on in the evenings, and I would hate to lose that to fear. I also have to let my dogs out at night and I would hate to be really paranoid every time I do so.

I am a single woman, I have my dogs (who I will be MUCH more prone to take seriously when they bark "that way" since one of them has been doing it for about a week now) and I leave a floodlight on all night in the back yard. I do not own a gun (never shot one), I live alone, and have great neighbors.

Does anyone have any thoughts as to how to keep what is probably an isolated incident from devolving into crazy paranoia? Any security measures that aren't too extreme that might help? Help me keep my caution at a healthy level!

Am I still paranoid if they're really out to get me?

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 10:04:59 -0800

My PhD Orals Chair just suggested I postpone my orals, scheduled for Monday. I am a PhD student in the UC system. I've had problems with my adviser for a long time, starting the first day of school when I walked in and he said, "I know you got that letter saying that I would provide you support for at least a year and a half - I'm not giving you any money."

This blatantly broke departmental policy, but is a somewhat common procedure for Profs- they know that they won't get reported by the students, who need them to sign off on their projects.

From there, it has gotten worse. I have a strong background in his field, except I have been a practitioner and he has never been. He does not respect the field experience. I am his second grad student. Everyone else in his lab has known him for decades and has a very strong research background, which I lack.

I received a prestigious award which took care of the funding problem, but he has recently referred to it as HIS _____ and he explained to me that it was awarded to me because I was in his lab and because of all the help he gave me in preparation of it (both utterly bogus- he didn't even write his letter of rec, I did!)

This fall he told me that because he hadn't seen any progress, he was considering booting me from the lab, also because I had an interdisciplinary focus. I've spent the fall working my ass off and trying to get ready for my Orals qualifying exam, which he sees as a benchmark of progress.

He has been doing little things that don't help- told a couple of professional colleagues that he has "zero respect" for me (who later told me, I can't imagine who else he has repeated this to). He has also ceased being available to look at my Prospectus or give insights. Due to a death in the family (a distant in law) he has been gone for nearly a month and I've sent him updates, though haven't insisted on a reply - until I found out that he is still in communications with other members of the lab, just not me!

The Chair of my Orals is a very fair man, but also very good friends with my adviser. He has been asking me persistently to get my Prospectus cleared by my adviser (who has not even read it, despite it being sent to him weekly) and today emailed me to let me know that he was concerned about my progress and wanted to suggest I postpone my orals.

I am at the end of my rope. I woke up, saw the email, and started sobbing. I have been doing so much to prepare for this and I feel so ready. I would rather drop out of school than postpone my orals, but my partner feels like I will be destroying myself if I go into orals with a Chair who has already told me not to do it.

What should I do? Postpone the orals (and very possibly drop out of school)? Do I have a chance of success if I go ahead with my orals?

To A Near-Disabling Extent, I Wear the Opposite of Rose-Colored Glasses

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:51:26 -0800

I see the world, and all in it, as something vicious and ready to attack me, and that influences far too much stuff in my life. Help. As a pre-adolescent and young adolescent, I was badly bullied; one bully was so out of control he went away for a few weeks to a mental health facility; in another case, older Scouts in my Scout troop did such things as shitting in my sleeping bag, as well as worse things I just can't remember. As an older adolescent, my family saw bankruptcy and foreclosure thanks to unethical actions by people my father worked with. I remember feeling so helpless to stop the world's attack of my family, trying to do small ineffective shit to try to help my family (dishes, vacuum, etc.), trying to talk Mom down from her sobs. At college, I was stuck on a geographically remote campus (30 minutes from even a diner) and while there they destroyed any confidence I had in myself.

The problem is that I expect the worst from everyone I ever interact with, and from Fate. It colors everything everyday. If we have a pleasant conversation, you're merely tolerating me. I can't rustle up the desire to form new friendships, because if we become friends, something will happen. If you're a girl, you certainly won't think I'm funny, or interesting, or cute. Ask me whether I really believe I'll ever reach any of my Major Goals, or when I last had fun. If something bad can happen, it will. When the worst happens, I take it as confirmation. When it doesn't happen, it doesn't really penetrate; I simply grimly prepare for the next shot. My rational mind can and does counterargument, but it's not a match for the feeling, it just lessens it. Occasionally.

This issue's been so stubborn it's made therapy last years: perhaps because when something bad happens in my life, big or small, that part of me seizes upon it as "evidence" it's right, reinforcing itself.

What do I ask? Well, how can I go about really disabling this thing, since it's so well-planted in my head, coming from so early in my life? It's not part of the back-and-forth thoughts I hear myself think; it seems to be part of the inherent, automatic assumptions I make about everything around me (on the same level as "the sky is blue," just assumed). Others got help breaking their lifelong self-delusions here; I'm hoping to get the same kind of advice.

I want to start assuming the best of people, and view new possibilities with freshness and the desire to explore, not thinking everything is predisposed to end badly. I'd like to be as confident in others' friendship (or maybe love) as I am in my cat's affection: feel that same peaceful security in others.

I'm at UtterlyAnonymousEmailAddress [at] gmail dot com, if needed. Thanks in advance.

Internet autobiography - safe?

NeoLeo — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 01:38:44 -0800

Writing about yourself on the internet - safe or unsafe? Usually, as a rule of thumb, I try to keep overly personal information off the internet. The saying goes that anything you post on the internet, even on semi-private or private sites, should be assumed to be public (eventually).

Of course, I want to keep sensitive information off the net. I don't want people going off using my personal information to open a bank account or what not. Yet all the hoopla about privacy on the internet seems to revolve around very minor issues (in addition to the major issues), such as: "oh no! there are cookies on my computer" or "oh no! google monitors my search patterns!" or "oh god my ISP is monitoring my bandwidth rates!" In hindsight, these aren't very big issues. I think these kinds of worries are just paranoia and aren't worth the worry they may cause.

Recently, I've been considering writing a semi-autobiographical piece to help people (especially friends) know me better. I feel that there are certain things that are hard to communicate verbally because they may require too much thought to say off the tip of your tongue. Also, sometimes the opportunity just doesn't come up to talk deeply about who you are and what motivates you. For some reason, messaging or emailing out this kind of writing makes me feel more uncomfortable than just posting it on a personal site or blog.

I'm not too worried about doing this, but I do wonder if there might be something bad that would result from this. I really can't think of too much bad coming from this, aside from people who may feel that the autobiographical content is way too unexpected/different from who they thought you were. The worst possible scenario would be some stranger "stealing your identity" and using your biographical content to emulate your life... but I think that is just being paranoid.

Thus, my questions:
- Do you consider writing an autobiographical piece on the internet to be unsafe?
- For those who have done it, what are the worst things that have happened? What positive things have resulted from your writing being available?
- How would you go about posting this kind of writing? On a blog? Through email? Or would you just ditch the writing part and say it verbally?

Bad Trip on Marijuana?

elektrotechnicus — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:54:25 -0800

I smoked marijuana early this morning and had terrifying experiences. What happened, why, and what should I do now? I could use some reassurance. I'm 20 years old, male, a college student.

It's presently 4pm Monday in my timezone. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night because my sleep schedule is out of whack and I had a flight to catch Sunday morning. I took an 18mg (minimal dose) Concerta (for which I have a prescription, and take regularly) at 4:30am. Sunday afternoon I think I slept a bit, though I don't recall how much. I mention this because I think I was somewhat sleep deprived. I'm also somewhat stressed about school, I've never been a great student and while things are going better than normal I'm concerned about messing up.

I have taken ADD medications of various kinds from an early age. I drink very rarely (maybe two or three evenings a year, never to excess). Other than alcohol and marijuana I have never done any recreational drugs. I've smoked weed less than 8 times, and only felt anything 3 of those times (the three most recent times... in retrospect I suppose I've been getting used to it).

This morning several of my friends (we all live in the same hall) went to get high, and I decided to accompany them. We left around 2am and drove around while a blunt was rolled. I took maybe 5 drags (some fairly deep) off it. There were four of us in a fairly small car, and the windows were generally rolled up. I remember thinking I was fairly stoned.

I was particularly loquacious and having a good time cracking jokes with my friends, enjoying the very calming weather. After making some particularly long comment to my friend I felt as though waking up from a dream - I hadn't actually said that, my dream-self had and I was "waking up" to realize that. This was shortly followed by the realization that I must have said that, and a similar feeling that my previous cognizance was dreamed. My body was tingling and I felt as though I was inadvertently freezing and tensing up my body (causing limbs to fall asleep). I was paranoid that my friends had slipped me something, especially because our conversation was about psychedelics (that doesn't seem likely to me now). I had strange visual halluciations that were like ghosting on a phosphor screen.

I would say something (or not) and endlesslu analyze what others would think (something I don't normally do at all). I had these recurring pangs of "waking up" from these paranoid reveries - a jolt of realization that I was disconnected from reality in some way - which were so strange I of course panicked more. I remember thinking that the paranoia was explicable, a somewhat common side effect of marijuana use, but the disconnectedness scared me, I thought I had lost my mind.

I managed to ask my friends to take me home ("I'm suddenly feeling really bad"), and they did, seemingly concerned, but not terribly worried. I think to an observer I was acting pretty normal. It was as though I had a doppleganger, a perfectly normal version of myself, in control of my actions - my perspective was that of freaking out co-pilot. I was wobbled to my dorm room (my sense of balance is always impaired on weed) and had no problem using my keys or walking up stairs.

When I got to my room I tried to sleep, but the visual hallucinations were worse when I closed my eyes. I had strange feelings of vertigo. I think I may have actually fallen asleep a few times, I remember "waking" with a start several times, but I'm not sure if that was simply the same sensation as earlier or really waking. The line between dreaming and wakefulness had blurred beyond recognition.

At this point I am freaking out. I'm aware that I need to figure out what's going on, and I keep reassuring myself that this will pass as the drug wears off. I started googling "marijuana side effects" and "marijuana psychosis" and found the terms derealization" and "depersonalization" which calmed me down somewhat. I wrote the following:

i am suffering acute depersonalization. came to this conclusion after mildly freaking out, asking for a ride home, trying to sleep, and googling "marijuana side effects". strange tingle, moves around body. i'm aware that these sentences are less than coherent, and that the letters are lowercase. I'm analyzing my thoughts over and over again, paranoid about how my future (saner?) self will interpret this. lightheaded. full body tingling sensation. feeling that perceptions are hallucinatory, or that I'm "looking back" on the present instead of in it. shaking. anxiety. pangs of derealization. pangs of realizing the strange disconnection. wonder if this came from thinking about self so much! perhaps this is satori... if so, it's somewhat terrifying. I'm pretty sure I'll be okay tomorrow, just need to sleep. could be from marijuana or sleep deprivation. feeling on auto pilot. otherwise strangely functional, like looking in on a conscious being. occasional moments of lucidity. anti-meditation, exact opposite of that kind of focus. rocking shaking feeling. keep wanting to reassure myself by typing. feel like I should be sad, or "should" be many feelings. paranoid looping! thinking about nietschze going nuts. feel like I'm going nuts, occasionally calm down. probably mostly anxiety. going to sleep.

I went to sleep around 4am and woke up around 3pm. I think those terms describe very well what I felt, and still feel to a much lesser extent.

I almost called the emergency room last night, though I'm glad I didn't. I have access to some sort of university psychiatric care, I'm sure, but I'm debating whether it makes sense to go - the plan now is to wait until tomorrow and see if things clear up (even since I started writing this I feel more with it).

To clarify something else, I am not from a ultra-conservative family. I have never thought that marijuana was a dangerous drug (I always scoffed at the demonization of it), so I don't think this is just psychosomatic.

It goes without saying I will never get high again.

Fuck Ratatouille. (I'm sorry. I still love you, Pixar. Don't cut me off.)

spec80 — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 09:08:17 -0800

There are mice in my apartment. Hijinks ensue. Now what? I live with my boyfriend and 1 roommate in the 2nd floor of a 3 floor apartment building in Brooklyn. I have only had experience with outside mice coming in my parents home in the suburbs.

Here's an approximate timeline because I am in slow burning freak out mode and I don't think I can make a coherent paragraph.

A week ago: BF finds rice grains on the kitchen floor. Looks at rice bag, finds holes, throws out the rice.

Saturday night: Roommate is in 3rd bedroom/office, sees mouse along the wall and then flatten itself to get under the door.

Sunday: I buy traps.
Trap 1 - Inside cupboard where rice was. Lots of droppings in there.
Trap 2 - just outside the cupboard. There is floor space between that cupboard and the stove.
Trap 3 (bedroom side) & 4 (kitchen side) - opposite ends of the door where Roommate saw the mouse crawl.

Sunday night: Caught a mouse (Trap 4)! Yay. Relief... Oh shit. Caught a second mouse (Trap 4). Boo... Waaaaah We are doomed, caught a third mouse (Trap 3 - saw the possible source hole). Researched online. Sprinkled cayenne pepper around the hole, under the stove burners (mouse droppings there), behind the heater near Trap 4. Called the landlord. Since the cayenne, I didn't get any mice so I thought - yay cayenne pepper.

Late Sunday night: Roommate sees mouse on countertop near edge of wall.

Monday: Caught a mouse (Trap 3). Landlord is here now. He checking for other holes - he closed up on in Roommate's bedroom that is near the heating vent just in case. He and his brother moved the stove and there were no gaps in the hole for the gas and there were mouse droppings back there. He's going to come back tomorrow and bring poison (currently, our dog is in Pennsylvania) to poison up the hole and then seal it up. I also found 2 droppings on the middle of the counter so I guess they are getting bolder.

1. Anything else I should do? BF is going to get peppermint oil, more traps and steel wool but I won't get it until later tonight when he comes home (I am home sick today and I don't feel well enough to go out). The hole is currently caulked up but it still needs time to dry. Should I insist that our landlord get an exterminator or hire one on our own? Or try home methods first? My paranoia says exterminator, but my wallet says try the other stuff first.

2. How do I stop being overdramatic because I feel like I am the only one doing anything even though BF did contact the landlord and Roommate has helped me in disposing of the mice. Being sick also isn't helping my disposition. I am acting like a whiny, bitchy baby asshole yet I feel like they are being blase about the situation. I'm trying to put the situation in perspective thinking of historical times where mice were everywhere - the thought wasn't comforting.

3. Is it a dick move (to the cleaning service) to hire a cleaning service once we know the mouse problem is over to deal with the mouse poop cupboard?

4. I think I am going insane because I keep on hearing squeaking and freak out at any squeaklike sound a la The Telltale Squeak. Anything I can do about this? I am really trying to have a sense of humor about this, but it's been a struggle. (i.e. Jokes about Willard, then actually remembering the movie Willard)

Is there a therapist who can get past my mom's suspicions?

Nattie — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:30:50 -0800

Recommendations for a cognitive behavioral therapist in the Houston area for my mother? He/she is going to have to deal with a lot, especially because she is irrational and suspicious. I need to be sure that the therapist is good because my mom has a lot of issues that need to be addressed, but she tends to be suspicious of anyone who tries, or else she has a nervous breakdown and starts crying.

If it matters, she's in her mid-50s.

- My father died less than a year ago. She has said she might need to get therapy for dealing with this but, to my knowledge, has made no moves yet, so I'm hoping to steer her in the right direction. She understandably feels some anger about his death too, since he died from the Digitek tablets that were mistakenly twice the listed dosage.

- I'm not even sure how to put this except bluntly. For at least five or six years now, she has read a website that has lead her to believe all of the following: the government puts microchips in people's brains to program them, but people can be "deprogrammed" if they do the right things; reptile shapeshifter people exist that look just like normal human beings; the husband of the couple who runs the website has been abducted and informed by various different species of aliens of all this stuff; etc. They often take news stories and twist them into evidence of their claims. They post other things daily, like aliens landed here but it's been covered up, or the numerology of this and that means some outrageous thing, and so on.

It is extremely delusional and paranoid, but you can't disagree with her because she just thinks anyone who denies it does so because they're programmed to. If pressed on the more ridiculous stuff sometimes she will say she doesn't take it very seriously, but trust me, she does. It's very awkward to watch TV with her and have her say she thinks someone is a reptile, or for her to talk about someone being rude to her at work and attributing it to their programming or something.

The website also told her that California is going to physically break off from the United States apparently within our lifetime, and uses this as a reason why I should not move there with my husband who recently got a job there. She became very upset and started crying when we tried to explain to her that land masses take much longer than that to break off, if it's going to break off at all. Things like that make it very upsetting to be around her now. She is trying to influence the direction of my life based on completely out-there, untrue claims.

If I hadn't seen the website for myself I would think she'd developed some sort of mental illness, but she's always just been very impressionable and superstitious. Since she holds a lot of irrational beliefs, apparently because they make her feel better on some level (i.e. to believe she's deprogrammed and everyone else isn't), I think CBT would be best for her, but I think (I hope I'm wrong) this is probably more difficult to deal with than your typical patient.

- On a similar note, she will make stuff up and then believe it 100%. It's disturbing. For example, another one of her arguments against our moving to California was that the rent was three times higher there. When we told her we were only paying a couple hundred dollars a month more than we were in Austin, she would move on to another irrational argument, then come back to the "three times higher" argument again.

- More irrationality: she's maybe $100,000 in debt but she won't even compile her financial data to find out. When I asked her why, she admitted it was because then she'd have to deal with it, and she was scared. I pointed out that she was paying all the bills anyway so it doesn't make a difference, and that the only way she can make things better is to look at it. She doesn't even know what interest rate her credit cards are, for example, so she's paying way more than she needs to; she has a card that's 30% interest rate with a balance on it that she could entirely transfer to a 20% interest rate card. She won't do it. I have offered to do it for her and she just says she'll think about it.

This is going to turn out very badly if she doesn't get help soon.

- She is extremely judgmental. She was completely anti-racist as I was growing up, until about high school when she started hating Hispanic people because we lived in a Hispanic ghetto, and then after Hurricane Katrina she started hating black people because crime rates in Houston went up. This has gotten progressively worse and it's quite upsetting. I can't have a conversation with her anymore without racist stuff coming up, even in the oddest places. (It would be more bearable for me if I could just avoid certain topics, but it doesn't work that way.) It makes her feel better on some level to believe that she's better than minorities and that they're the cause of her problems, so I think CBT might help with that.

- She worries about everyone, for mostly irrational reasons. She has always been this way, even since she was a child. The 24/7 worrying makes her an emotional mess, and in the past has had a lot to do with why she cries and has nervous breakdowns. I don't see how this can continue and I don't like seeing her get worse.

- This has started to affect our relationship negatively. She loves me more than anything and can't deal with my moving out of the state, especially after my dad has died. I understand that. But the ways in which it comes out lately have been very upsetting. She is negative and resentful of anything that makes me happy or I am excited about. She sighs about how different I am from her and calls me weird for normal things like being an introvert, which makes me feel very unaccepted. (I'm not a "weird" introvert either; I go out a lot and have normal friends. She calls me weird for being tired by social interaction.)

I try to see her more often to make her feel better, and because I used to have so much fun with her, but the last few times I have visited her she has been so negative and unaccepting of me that I've been entirely unhappy and just want to leave. I can't just go fake it either, because it's gotten to the point where I have nothing I can safely talk to her about. I point out how I'm feeling about specific things, like when I told her to quit being negative about California, but just that made her cry. I think if I told her that her behavior was pushing me away, instead of making me want to see her more, it would absolutely destroy her. Normally I would agree that telling her how I feel is the best solution, but I think it's well past the point where such a thing would be safe and I don't think I'm qualified to deal with the extent of her problems.

I'm hoping if I can recommend a cognitive behavioral therapist and say it's to help her deal with losing my father and my moving away, especially because she already expressed some interest in it, maybe the other stuff will get slowly dealt with too.

I'm not the only one affected by this either.

Sorry for the long explanation, but I partly wanted to vent and partly wanted to show how important it is that the therapist really know what he/she is doing. I think it would be difficult for any therapist to deal with my mom thinking they're trying to steer her wrong because they have a chip in their head, for example, and she's going to cry and deny things a lot.

One other caveat: I would prefer someone who's not going to drug her. I realize such a thing might be necessary but I would rather that conclusion be reached after a significant amount of sessions. She tends to have bad reactions to medications, too (runs on her side of the family, it seems) so that's a concern.

Thanks for reading all this and any suggestions you might have.

PMS pretty much sucks.

mynameisluka — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 20:17:35 -0800

How do you deal with PMS, especially associated anxiety and paranoia? I'm on hormonal birth control, and getting off is not an option. I'll do really well for months and months, but then will get hit with sudden intense melancholia combined with nearly intolerable anxiety and depression. The most mundane actions of my worthy partner are suddenly interpreted as him about to break up with me, work troubles escalate into mental mountains, and I'm antsy, down, and miserable for days and even weeks prior to my period. Needless to say...this sucks!

Aside from the hormones, I haven't been able to track the source of this shift in consciousness (though I do notice that months with lots of off eating tend to trigger bad PMS). So I turn to you, the good ladies of Metafilter.

How do you deal with your PMS symptoms? How do you convince yourself that your paranoid delusions are, well, just delusions? I'm looking for your tried-and-true tips, creative suggestions, and calming mantras. (I am aware of this post but wanted more advice specific to anxiety and paranoia.)

Thanks in advance!

How can I stop worrying and getting myself in trouble?

albatross5000 — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 14:12:18 -0800

I'm trying to figure out how to be less paranoid and obsessive and how to not replay past and future negative scenarios in my head constantly – eventually getting myself in trouble. Often, I go over negative things that I've overheard or have suspicions about, and negative recent occurrences (like getting fired recently or conversations that might have left me in a bad light in someone else’s view). I feel paranoid about anything I cannot control and have ever had problems with perhaps. I was recently fired from a job for generally being too confrontational with my boss about things I saw going wrong and things I was feeling paranoid about. The thing is -- the paranoia is somewhat justified, and I have a hard time believing that it's possible not to worry about stuff all the time. And now at my new job I feel that I’m at risk of the same behavior, feeling jaded already about my new work situation and worrying constantly about everything in my life (and about not having a life, and even about worrying too much itself!) – how can I feel more relaxed and just chill out? I think it might help if I explained a bit about the things I worry about and how often it happens.

I'd say that no less than 2 dozen times a day I replay my termination at my last job. I was there for several years and things went great at first (huge raises etc), until of course things stopped going great (started having to work with difficult inexperienced people who my boss had no problem with) and started complaining to my boss about what was going wrong (which she did not want to hear). And eventually my complaints all backfired and I was fired for being a pain in the ass, and not sticking my head in the sand (playing it safe like everyone else). Fine, but to get me fired my boss embellished on the facts and made her new boss think that I was this huge virus in the group (very untrue, honestly). Her boss eventually called me in and called me a monster (in so many words) and fired me. It was very unfair and the reasons given were very blown-up. Anyway, I obsess about the fact that this happened and cannot help being hateful and replaying the scenario every single day countless times per day. It's disabling.

The 2nd thing I worry about (less often) is that my girlfriend cheats on me. It's an almost-long-distance relationship and a couple other small things assist in making me wonder that she sometimes gets some on the side. She’s not very experienced but when she finally started dating, she was very promiscuous. And now we’re together monogamously and she is very likely not cheating at all. This actually isn't much of a problem but the worries stack up. But my point is that because I think about it sometimes, I can’t help but say things sometimes… and it’s saying stupid things that might make her want to cheat in the first place!! It’s like … worrying about something too much might actually make it happen. CRAZY! I worried about getting fired and felt paranoid a lot at my old job … paranoid that my complaining would get me fired … which made me worry more, which made me paranoid and complain more, which eventually got me fired!

My third major worry is my new job. I worry about this countless times a day. My "mentor" isn't a mentor at all, but claims that he spends a good portion of his time teaching me, when in reality he actually takes credit for some of the work I do (which he has nothing to do with), and teaches me nothing (and works from home 3 days out of 5 doing very little work for the most part). This worries me because I can see this becoming a major problem for me in the future. At times taking credit for my work in a way, not helping me learn this amazingly complex process by answering my questions via email, etc... I know that at some point I'm going to say something to him that displeases him, and he'll give me a bad rap to my new boss (someone I rarely talk to because of how much higher up the chain she is – VP level at a mid-sized company). This guy bad talks almost everyone in the group to me, and I suspect that he does it to me as well. And I’m finding myself turning in with that same sentiment and complain sometimes already (to some of the team members who have similar problems with whoever). This I fear will backfire too but don’t think of that when I’m flustered to the point of complaining a little. The other part about my job that is difficult, which I worry about quite often, is the fact that I'm here to replace the only programmer on our team; the architect of the entire process. This person knows all the ins and outs of how everything works, well beyond anyone else, and answers half the problems that come into our groups door (no one else can because they only know a piece of how things work) and wrote all the code that binds all the mini-processes together -- stuff that no one else can do. He is very expensive and I'm here to replace him. The problem here is that a) my “mentor” is a hindrance while b) I’m trying to learn everything that the strongest team knows so that I can replace him. He knows that I’m here to replace him and is supposed to walk me through his work. Well, this has been difficult, but I'm great at figuring things out. It’s....possible that I can replace a good portion of what he does, but when it comes time for his last day -- chances are I won't be able to fully replace everything he does. So that's bad but not the end of the world. The end of the world part is about the mentor who is more a monkey on my back than anyone helping me through this huge challenge, teaching me the process, etc… I get flustered with this stuff and can sometimes say the wrong things (being too honest) about what I see is wrong – and it’s bound to backfire.

So, because I cannot always hold my tongue 100%, I know that I'm going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time and get totally screwed over, being in this almost impossible spot at my new job after getting fired at my old job. This worries me and I fear that the worrying itself will help fulfill my negative prophecy or whatever…

This stuff sounds somewhat petty but it occupies my mind whenever I am idle. I worry that worrying too much is going to make me do or say stupid things like it did the last time.

It's also paranoia. I worry about something someone said a few days ago "what if they meant X (something bad about me" or what if what they said means that they're unhappy with me and will give me a bad report to my boss ... etc.

I was on a huge dose of Effexor for approx 5 years, and couldn't chill out enough to be more laid back at my last job and got fired. I took myself off of the medicine after that and have been at my new job for a couple months. I think I feel a little bit better off the meds actually -- so that's good.

Should I try to get some anti anxiety meds? I haven't had a real anxiety attack for years... but I know that a little bit of Klonopin every other day might quell my constant worrying. I have some but don’t think during the day to take it. I’m not freaking out – it’s more like a constant humm of worriedness that I think is going to make me crazy or get me fired again.

Sometimes I'm able to convince that voice that worries and remembers my firing to be quiet and relax, but a few minutes later off it goes again. Sometimes I try a little deep breathing, and that can help temporarily too. And getting a life might help, but how does someone in his mid 30s, in a long distance romantic relationship (1 state away), make new friends? I do some technical volunteering which is not helping me meet peers my age…

I guess my overall question is … if deep breathing sometimes, talking myself down, and huge doses of anti-depressants don’t work, how can I stop constantly worrying and stop getting myself in trouble?!? Too much negativity and paranoia.

What is this mysterious process that hijacked my shortcut?

Optimus Chyme — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 10:11:20 -0800

What is this mysterious process that hijacked my shortcut? I was using Photoshop CS2 and entered the shortcut key for "Save for Web" (Alt+Shift+Ctrl+S) and instead of getting the Save for Web dialog, a very minimalist login box appeared. Intrigued, I brought up the Task manager, right-clicked on the "Login" entry in the list, and selected "Go To Process." The process turned out to be C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\vidifker.exe. This is on Windows XP Pro 2002 SP2.

All web searches for vidifker turn up nothing; if this is a virus or trojan, it's probably trivial for it to generate different names for itself. But then why was it so easy to find? Is it a keylogger? Commercial monitoring software? Is anyone familiar with any of this?