Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with overweight

Help this chubby office rat (and his wife) get motivated and active

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:10:04 -0800

I'm more sedentary than I'd like to be, and I'm putting on weight. Please help me get motivated to work out, and help me encourage my wife to join me. More details inside. My wife and I work week-day jobs with fairly set schedules, getting up before 6am to prepare and head to work. She gets home between 4 and 5pm, I get home around 6pm. She's on her feet for much of her days, and has an hour commute there and back (2 hours total per day). I sit at a desk most of the day, yet still feel done with the world by the end of the day. We both get home, and we're pretty content to sit on the couch, but that's doing neither of us any good.

I'm over 6 feet tall, and my wife is about a foot shorter than I am. I used to be on the lean side, while my wife has always been a bit overweight. I love her as she is, but I'm a bit concerned for her long-term health, and I'd worry less if she were more fit. She's lost some weight from being on her feet most of the day, but I think that she won't lose much more that way.

I've had a desk job ever since I've been out of college, and I've done nothing to keep active on any sort of regular basis, so I'm putting on weight, and I don't like it. At first, it showed as just a little tummy pudge, and she comments that she likes me to have some meat on my bones, but my idea of "meat" is that it should be muscle, not fat.

I love walking, jogging and hiking, and she's fine with a bit of walking, but is concerned about trying to hike and looking fat, sweaty and gross (a concern she's told me, not something I'm implying). Jogging is unpleasant because she's busty, and no sports bras do enough to make jogging comfortable. We have access to a community pool, but I think my wife has some concern for being seen exercising in public.

We've had a gym membership, and we own a Wii Fit. We've talked about getting equipment for home, but we haven't used what we have already, and I'm just worried that anything else we get will go unused. We've gone on walks, but they're usually short, and I don't feel like I've gotten any exercise. My strides are naturally long, so I slow down and let my wife set the pace. Every now and again I'll go jogging by myself, but I feel like I'm excluding my wife, and I feel both judged and like I'm judgmental. (I'm probably over-thinking this, but I figured I'd share the bulk of my thoughts, seeing as I'm anon.)

I understand that if we ate less, we wouldn't gain weight, but I don't believe we're eating excessive amounts. My eating habits haven't changed since college, when I didn't actively seek out exercise, I just walked a few miles every day. My thought (perhaps misguided) is that if I start walking a few miles every day, I could get back to my old weight.

Additional thought-dumping, possibly just a useless tangent: my wife's parents are overweight, and her mother will comment on me being "the skinny one." I've gained 20 to 30 pounds since marriage (and I'm not saying because of marriage, I've gone from being a college kid to a working adult from then to now), but I feel awkward mentioning this, so I don't.

To wrap up: what can I do to get motivated to work out, and how can I help my wife feel comfortable joining me? How can I motivate her to push herself and maybe get a bit sweaty in the process? Thanks, hive-mind!

How to avoid gaining weight when you become a couple?

mintchip — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:46:09 -0800

How to avoid gaining weight when you become a couple? I know the general principles for avoiding gaining weight: eat less, exercise more. But any tips for when life circumstances change – specifically you go from single to a couple?

My boyfriend said a lot of his exes gained weight after they started dating, and I’m worried that it is starting to happen with me. In a way, it’s almost predictable…I’m eating out more and watching calories less, and I have less time in my already tight schedule for workouts now that we’re spending a lot of ‘couple time’ together.

Probably the most diet-unfriendly is the social aspect of eating together. My boyfriend has a larger appetite and can get away with eating more than I do, and more frequently. But since I’m at his house much of the time, I tend to match his schedule and habits and even tastes, and end up feeling deprived if I eat much less than him. This was not really a problem when I was eating dinner alone at home (although I suppose it’s a nice problem to have in the grand scheme of things) and had 100% control of what food was in the fridge and when and what was available to eat (no tempting snacks on hand, etc.).

I know I should just “be stricter” but any tips for how to actually do it without feeling totally deprived?

Explain motivation to a gone to seed person

Anonymous — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 10:48:12 -0800

Is your 58 year old Mom or Grandmother a chunky depressed wreck? If she would listen to your advice...what would you tell her? I just came back from trying on clothes for three hours and I hated everything. I am no longer young (58) and this last year I have experienced changes that were unexpected and absolutely no fun. I'm a wreck. I used to be able to wear anything! I didn't have to do much to stay slim during most of my liftime...but that is obviously over.

I need to lose 25 -30 pounds to be the weight that looks right on me. I realize I must eat sensibly and exercise--do you have advice how to get started (especially for someone who hasn't ever had much experience in exercise and hasn't ever been much of a cook?) Do you know any older females who regained their (more) youthful physique? How did they do it? I am very tired all the time and have battled depression forever. I THINK I am alright physically--just depressed. I took a stress test not long ago and "passed" it, however I reached an anaerobic stage after only a few minutes.

The trouble is that when my mind chemistry is "off" eating is the only thing that makes me feel better. I haven't found an antidepressant (yet) that works for me.
I have thought about going in for hypnotism. Do you have any knowledge about whether or not that would help kick start some motivation for me? I would love to see some rapid results ...of course!

OH..AND.. all my friends eat constantly and I eat out way too often. I have no family and no in-person role models. Additionally.. I am a member of a gym!..the young fit people there intimidate me! How can I get myself to go in??

Thanks for considering my question.

Idle hands are eating a devils food cake

abdulf — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 09:55:48 -0800

I have the opportunity to exercise in the morning, at lunch and in the evening. Does it matter if I do certain exercises in order? I have an hour to workout before work, around 7-8am in the morning. Then another hour at lunch from 12-1pm. Finally, I have about 2 hours in the evening, typically 5-8pm or 7-10pm.

This is about 5 hours a day, possible more, that I could be using to reach my fitness goals. Right now I use 1 hour of that time.

I already follow a 3 day a week lifting routine from a Men's Health book. That typically takes about 20 to 40 minutes. Once or twice a week I attend a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class in the evenings that lasts 45 minutes.

I could do this indefinitely (have been doing this for almost a year) but it's not helping me reach my goals of weightloss. It has helped me maintain my weight and it has improved my fitness levels, but that isn't enough. My goal is to reduce weight (I'm 25 years old, 5'10, 240lbs).

Can you point me to extended exercise routines for people with a lot of time on their hands? Maybe the routines used for Olympic athletes or "the biggest loser tv show"? The only exercise I hesitate to do a lot of at this weight is running for extended periods since it tends to cause pain in my shins and knees.

I know nutrition matters. The issue on the nutrition end is not daily things like sodas or cookies. Rather, it's things like eating an entire box of cookies out of boredom. Being aware of this problem, combined with burning that spare time staying physically active, I think, will help me with this.

My culture told me to jump and I asked, how often should I jump to lose the most weight?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:52:35 -0800

I would like to lose weight. Please help me find the most efficient way to do this. I apologize for the length of this question. I'm a 5”6’ woman. I weigh approximately 137 pounds. I'd like to weigh closer to 127. I tried dieting, and have been keeping track of everything I eat for nearly a year. This is not working for me. In the first few months, I experienced some weight loss, and I managed to stay around 132 pounds for a while. Then... Christmas. I'm back to 137, and dieting isn't working.

My inexpert theory is that my metabolism has slowed. Since eating less than I currently do would almost certainly be unhealthy, it looks like I have to start working out. This is a problem for me. It’s not just that I’m very busy right now, it’s that the things I am busy with require an enormous amount of willpower, and by the end of the day I really feel like I am totally out of energy to force myself to do something unpleasant. So running, which I understand to be a very good workout for weight loss, is out, because to me it’s just horrible torture and I can’t imagine spending all day forcing myself to complete various draining and difficult tasks and then getting on a treadmill. I would cry.

So, if my goal is to lose weight, what (apart from running) can I do to make that happen as efficiently as possible? I would like to minimize the amount of time I spend doing this, and how disruptive it is to my life. If I can avoid having to do the gym thing (change… go there… work out… go home… shower… change… too many steps! Yes, I know how I sound) that would be amazing.

The only idea I have had so far is to take long walks. This idea appeals to me (I wouldn’t mind exploring my city) but I am not sure it’s a good return on the time spent as compared to other exercises. Is that right? If I spend three hours a week walking around, how does that compare to three hours a week on a bike (or whatever)? Would it be a waste of my time as exercise or would it help slightly? Would I be better off doing pushups or something like that?

Thank you in advance for your advice. I am happy to provide more information, and can be reached at lamezilla@gmail.com.

I am definitely out of my element.

kerning — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 15:02:02 -0800

This whole exercising thing, how does it work? So I just turned 26, and I've decided that this is the year that I'm finally going to exercise on a regular basis.

The problem is that I'm pretty overweight and VERY out of shape, and I don't really know where to begin or what to do as the last time I exercised for real was in 10th grade gym class.

Right now I'm just walking on the treadmill at 2.5/mph with an incline of 2 for a half hour. Last night I pushed it up to an incline of 3 and it was not fun in the slightest.

The treadmill seems like a good option for me as a starter, but am I doing it enough? If I'm only walking, should I be working out everyday for an hour instead of the half hour? I hate seeing the number of calories I've burned at the end of 30 minutes because it just discourages me - I spent all that time and sweat for 200 calories? I've just started turning that aspect off and forgetting about it.

So is just walking for a half hour okay for now or should I be doing more?

Overweight --> Warm --> More Sweat?

Spurious — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 16:25:23 -0800

I will losing weight and getting healthy make me sweat less? Details inside. Background About Me:

I am a mid-20s male on the border between 'normal' and 'overweight' according to BMI (recently leaning more on the overweight side). I feel reasonable healthy but I do have a small gut. I run 1-2 times a week for 3 miles and eat semi-healthy (not great, but no fast food).

The Problem:

I sweat... alot. Even a semi-brisk walk turns my t-shirt into a damp towel. My oversweating is a major annoyance in my life and makes getting dressed up (which for men means wearing warmer clothes) a major hassle. I have to change my bed sheets every week because I sweat in the night.

My SO always mentions how warm I am all the time and I wonder if it is all related: Overweight --> Warm --> More Sweat.

If I lost weight, would I sweat less? I HATE my sweating problem and if losing weight meant I would sweat less, I would start this instant.

Logistics?

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:27:43 -0800

SexEd-filter: Need some physical advice to help out a great relationship otherwise... My new girlfriend and I are hitting it off on many levels - intellectual, emotional, "same point in life", etc... We're also ( as far as I know and from what she tells me....) doing ok on the sexual aspect thus far. Here's where it gets a little weird in terms of mechanics:

She's quite a bit heavier than I am physically, and I'm not as well endowed ( 5.5" long if it matters ). Right now we're still in the missionary and related positions, and I love cunnilingus so that's always on board. Previous experience leaves me wondering though.

My question is: What other positions and techniques or maneuvers are there that will allow me to spice up our sex life should this relationship continue on into the long term?

As an example: doggy-style does not work for both of us. The stimulation is there for me, but unfortunately not for her. ( Yes, I could finish and then finish her, but that gets sort of old. Per my ex-gf ).

I know I might be putting the cart before the horse here, but still - I'm crazy about this woman. I've tried finding porn to help out, but truth be told, it all seems exploitative regarding the women and never seems to focus on satisfying them. ( even with the more endowed males ).

Help!

'Cause Every Girl's Crazy 'Bout a Sharp-Dressed Man

WCityMike — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:37:04 -0800

I'm a very overweight man in my early to mid-thirties, and I would appreciate your advice as to how to dress in a way that's complementary to me for social situations (such as going to clubs, bars, lectures, etc.). More inside. For a while, the environments I've dressed for have been my home and my workplace, with the occasional visit to a social situation. My work clothing has been short-sleeved polo shirts (of very nice quality) in solid, darker colors, and black Dockers. My home clothing is usually a T-shirt or sweatshirt, and a pair of jeans or shorts, depending on weather. If I went somewhere that required me to look nice, I'd wear the work clothes. Without intending to sound immodest, I don't think I look too bad in either "mode", but I'd like to expand a bit.

I'm intending to venture into some social situations I've not gone into before, and I'd like to look stylish. I may visit some bars and clubs here in Chicago; I may attend some semi-formal semi-casual things such as lectures or "fancier" meetup-style things; and I may go to some things that are completely casual but where jeans would look too casual.

In these situations, I'd like to feel confident that I look good, perhaps even attractive. (I would be dressing not only for simple social situations but for possible romantic situations as well.) The problem is that I've relied upon the above two styles of selections for so long that I'm really not sure what other ensembles I can put together, so I'm seeking advice here regarding same. Look at me and imagine I'm a caveman who just got unfrozen from Neanderthal times, and use very simple words with Grogg here regarding what type new-fangled-leopardskins Grogg should put on body that has ate too much mammoth-meat.

If it matters, I currently shave my head clean, but when my hair does grow in, it is a color between dark brown and black.

I do understand that spending more money allows you to purchase higher-quality garments that make you look much better. Money-conscious choices would be highly preferred, but if something's highly recommended enough, I can always put a bigger expense into my financial plans. I may not get to such a purchase for a while, however, as there are some financial goals I'm in the midst of working on.

I also understand that losing weight is one of the better ways to improve a man's appearance. I'm working on same, but, universally, nearly every weight loss article, book, or forum I have read instructs people: (a) not to hold off on making clothes purchases, or buy clothes too small for you, on the basis of anticipated weight loss; and (b) that making clothing selections that make you feel good in your current body can be highly beneficial to putting you in a better state of mind and confidence for said weight loss.

Help me get back in shape.

Mavri — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:16:00 -0800

Can you recommend a gym and/or personal trainer for an overweight, out of shape girl in Brooklyn? I used to be in great shape, but not anymore! My two big problems with getting back to exercising are motivation and intimidation. I was thinking that having a personal trainer would help with the motivation problem. But, looking at a couple of prior AskMe's, people say the best way to find a personal trainer is to talk to the ones at your gym. Which leads into my second problem--intimidation. The thought of being the fat girl in the gym is very intimidating to me. I know I'd still be the fat girl in the gym if I were there with a personal trainer, but I'd at least have someone there to tell me what to do and help me out. If I have to go to a gym on my own, does anyone know of one in NYC frequented by un-fabulous, normal people rather than just superfit gym rats? I'm also not limited to just gyms. I'd like to her about alternative workout possibilities, like yoga or pilates or whatever else is out there if you know of a place that would have a welcoming environment for someone like me.

Any advice, recommendations on gyms, personal trainers, workout programs, etc?

Veggies instead of Cheetos

Stewriffic — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 07:13:36 -0800

Childhood obesity prevention programs that incorporate (or center around) community vegetable gardens. Know any? I work in an adolescent health clinic in Raleigh, NC. Most of our patients are overweight or obese as well as low-income, and we're looking into funding to address the obesity.

I'm a big fan of gardening, and the idea of somehow creating a health education/youth development/health intervention program using a (likely urban) community garden as a tool to address the childhood/youth obesity issue sounds fantastic to me. I can see all sorts of benefits: self-esteem boosting, increasing healthy food consumption, financial literacy, physical activity, keeping kids away from TV/Internet/risky activities, etc.

However, I'm having a hard time finding programs that have been evaluated as effective in meeting certain objectives (whether those be weight reduction/management, increase in physical fitness, or whatever). I don't want to recreate any wheels, so I'd like to emulate another program that's already been implemented.

There IS one program locally that I'm working with, but if any of you either know of programs in your area (wherever that may be...not limited to the US) or can help me find research about this type of program, I'd be greatly appreciative!!

Were ancient celts ostracized for being fat?

Telf — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 16:09:06 -0800

Did the ancient Celts used to banish overweight members of society? I remember once reading or being told that the ancient Celts prized fitness and would banish overweight members. I think there was some system involving a belt. All members of a village were expected to be able to fit into the belt. A member who was too large for the belt was forced out of the village until they were small enough to fit the belt.

I related this to a friend but was unable to find any sources that back me up. Can anyone confirm the veracity of this? I could have my populations mixed up, perhaps it was the Gauls or Goths. I haven't had any luck finding this on my own.

Bonus points for telling me what the circumference of that belt was.

"When I'm goin' to the movies / I take up seven rows because I'm ... "

WCityMike — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 14:08:56 -0800

Many adjectives used to describe overweight men in a nonoffensive manner can also be used to describe muscular men (i.e. stout, beefy, etc.). What are some adjectives that describe, with a positive or neutral connotation, the state of being both male and overweight, but that are not used (or at least not commonly used) to describe muscular men as well? (Adjectives preferred, but nice-sounding phrases are good too, I guess.)

What looks good on a heavyset 30ish guy?

zek — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 10:01:23 -0800

What kind of clothing looks best on a thirtysomething guy who is heavy but not obese? I am in a fashion rut and don't trust my judgement, and want to see some pictures. Yeah, I'm talking about myself. I am in my 30s, 5'9", 200 lbs, and BMI of 29 (heavy, but definitely not obese) and am physically active. I have descended into an awful fashion rut which basically consists of shorts and an untucked T-shirt similar to this (this is NOT me). I am not confident wearing anything else except for formal businesswear. Neither is good for fun social events.

I would be grateful for (A) links to random pics of heavyset guys who, according to your refined sense of fashion, look good and are not trying to make a fashion statement, and (B) advice and observations about what to wear.

Yes, I've seen this thread. All the advice is a definite slide to first base, but falls short of giving specifics and contains almost no visual examples (which I need to see details like what is tucked in, if there is a belt, and so on). Ugh's advice there was best but sadly the example has expired off the casualmale.com site.

To summarize, I need to snap myself out of this and start dressing good again. I need visual examples I can emulate, as I think my fashion sense is severely corrupted -- I have worn stupid stuff in the past thinking it looked good and I don't wish to repeat that mistake. I need your help! And yeah, I'm working on losing the weight, but that will take time.

Also I'm in Texas, which limits my ability to wear cold weather fashions. Because Wal-Mart is the only store in my town I'll most likely have to buy off the Internet, though I do make it to the Plano TX area often.

If you're an obese man successful on the dating scene, what are your tips and advice?

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 09:23:27 -0800

If you're an obese man who's been successful in the dating scene, please give me some tips and advice. As always, there's Having come off a bad relationship and a stressful time with a considerably larger physique, I find myself entering upon the dating scene as a morbidly obese guy — this being a new experience for me. (Not that my body was Adonisesque the first time around, mind you — I was more the tall and gangly type.)

I am feeling a little bit awkward and, despite being able to carry on a good conversation and having good listening skills, I am feeling as though (no offense to potential answerers) this obesity makes me an extremely unattractive partner to women, despite the fact that my diverse interests, conversational skills, etc. served me well in that regard in the past.

Obviously, though, this isn't the case — women evidently do fall for and like larger men. So, as suggested, I wanted to put the question to the overweight Mefite men who don't have problems actively dating women ...

Psychologically ... how do you do it? How did you convince yourself that your ... well, not to put it too nicely, but how did you convince yourself that that big ol' potbelly doesn't matter when you found the need to approach a girl for the first time? Unlike before, I find myself paralyzed by a voice harshly critical of my physique at the moment of truth which freezes up most of my "normal" ability to interact with women if a romantic element isn't involved. (And I unfortunately can't "fool" myself into engaging "friend-mode".) I can't have been the only fat guy to deal with this; how do you?

Fashion-wise ... having formerly dressed for a more thin physique, I'm at a loss as to what fashions and style flatter an obese man. My business casual garb also serves as my "nice event" garb, and I have a feeling it's probably not as flattering as other things might be: single-color polo shirt and black Dockers slacks. How do you dress to be comfortable yet impressive (or, failing that, uncomfortable yet impressive)?

And, by all means, if you have any tips or advice unrelated to the questions above, by all means, I would very much desire to hear them and learn from them. Also, if it matters in terms of a generational sense, I'm in my late twenties.

Will hidden fatness hurt my love life?

Anonymous — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 06:27:52 -0800

I'm gay, new at dating, and kind of overweight (though not morbidly so -- say ~ 20/22% body fat), though my face doesn't show it. I'm afraid dates will like me, in part based on that deceptive face, then discover my fatness during a moment of intimacy, and be repulsed. Am I being paranoid?

Getting Used to Dating and Sex with a Changed Physique

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 15:02:32 -0800

I have a question to ask of heterosexual women on Metafilter: are you as shallow as I am? Do you find overweight men attractive? I'm a few years out of college in my late twenties with a BMI of 45. I'm not Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I'm tall; I have a friendly, open, and expressive face; I'm well-read and can hold my end of a convo down pretty well; and I have a decent job that's not a huge moneymaker (no doctor be I) but puts me on the low to middlin' end of "comfortable."

I know I need to get back down to "normal." I'm working on it now, and I do think I'll get there. But I did enough damage to myself (read: gained enough weight) that it's not going to be an instantaneous process (read: probably a good year or two), and frankly, I have no desire to be a monk in the meantime. But I'm finding that some preconceptions and a weird sense of body dysmorphia are dealing a rather severe blow to my confidence. I've not been on the dating scene in a good number of years: my last girl and I didn't break up due to my weight, but the last time I was dating, I was 'normal', and this time, I'm on the scene with a physique that has gone to pot more than a tad.

I wish to God that I could divorce physical attributes from my sexual attraction to someone. Right now, I can't seem to do that, and, as such, I find women who are equally as overweight as I am to be unattractive, and I have no interest at all in them as other than friends, as much as I'd like to be gallant enough to do so. Now, to clarify, I'm not saddled with an unrealistic attraction to stick-thin Paris Hiltons — I am attracted to utterly normal women (frankly, most of y'all out there look pretty damn hawt to me), and I do find attractive women who are curvy or who lean a bit towards the Rubenesque; I'm just saying that the end of the scale where pre-weight-loss Star Jones was, or Roseanne-during-Roseanne, or Edna Turnblatt, wouldn't have done it for me.

And, unfortunately, I'm on the equivalent end of the male scale of where pre-weight-loss Star Jones was. (Award for the most convoluted sentence goes to ... ) I'm John Goodman-in-Roseanne-esque. And knowing that I can't find myself attracted to Star, or Roseanne, or Edna, or women carrying around a similar amount of weight, I find it very hard — in fact, outright impossible — to believe that a woman could look at me, or anyone with my body type, and find her sexual engine getting a little revved up, like a few did here and there with my old physique. Even though my brain knows that supposedly women judge on different criteria, I also know Clooney and Pitt don't sell movies just because they're good actors. So I'm hoping that perhaps the women of Mefi could either say, "Yes, you're right, you're just not sexy at this point, lardass," so I can stop wondering and start getting used to cold showers, or "No, you're not. I know from personal experience that ... " and share, well, what they feel comfortable.

I also know enough to know that women respond to confidence, and that a lack of confidence can show pretty clearly unless you're a good actor. That's another concern, obviously, I'm hoping to address with this question. If I can end up with enough material to quiet the voice in my head — "shut up, you, four out of five Mefite women prefer peppermint mouthwash" — maybe I can actually focus on the other things that terrify me about starting to going up to strange women again, instead of walking into the situation feeling like I'm wearing a strange-fitting fat suit. :-/

Finally, I have one last question. It is more than a bit on the graphic side, and I'll admit it is very likely thinking too far ahead. It's a question central to men's sense of "maleness," for good or for bad. A well-intentioned friend who I could now just friggin' hit over the head with a Nerf bat forwarded me an e-mail forward quoting Dr. Ruth as saying that men "lose" an inch for every 40 pounds gained. Anyone know if that's really the case? It does indeed feel like it's shrunk. And there definitely is also a visual comparative scale thing given that the man's gut hangs above his penis. If you have had an overweight sexual partner, were you satisfied with his length? Flaccid at the moment, it's visually really rather embarrassingly minuscule — and I think my outright nightmare is disrobing in front of a lady and having a woman laugh at its size. Erect, it's still probably a good four and a half inches, but that's definitely less than it used to be; I remember measuring myself in college at about near seven. It's perhaps the very definition of the word "emasculating."

P.S. Obviously, I come across in the above as a bit of a nutcase. That's because I'm cranking down about twelve layers of shielding and actually being quite blunt about the problem with you. Please rest assured that these insecurities are not out and displayed in full force during a date!

How can I stop caving in to Instant Gratification?

tastybrains — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 13:25:17 -0800

My impulse towards giving myself instant gratification is ruining my life! How can I train myself to stop lunging for instant gratification and instead remind myself to consider what will be most gratifying in the long term? I have been frustrated with several aspects of my life for quite some time now (years), and I am starting to realize that my difficulty in resolving these things is most likely because I am always going for whatever will bring me instant gratification.

Here are some examples!

I am quite overweight. It really is a big problem, and I *know* this and I *know* how to eat right and I *know* how to exercise in a way I find enjoyable, and I *know* how to lose weight. But when I am tired and hungry and grumpy in the morning, I know a couple of doughnuts to go with my coffee are going to cheer me up & perk me up right away. Thus, I justify getting myself what I think I *need* to feel good right then over what I know I *ought* to do to improve my overall life. I will rationalize it out by saying things like "Well, one day isn't going to make or break me" or "Well, TODAY I really need to be focused at work so I don't want to get to work feeling all craving-y and deprived."
I'm paying off some credit cards I racked up in college & the two years immediately following college. I truly want to pay them off as fast as possible, I know why they are evil, and the balances make me feel sick, just sick. And yet, when I see something I want, if it will cheer me up, I will buy it because "it's only $20, what's $20?" or "well, I would just buy it next paycheck anyway" or some other excuse. Needless to say my balances don't get paid down much when I keep making excuses to spend more money on stuff I ultimately do not need. But I cannot seem to resist my drive to have what I want when I want it!
I have a good job and I am very lucky to have my job and my awesome boss and my awesome coworkers and to work for the awesome company I work for. I really truly appreciate this opportunity especially because I have a lot of flexibility in terms of what I do with my own position. And yet, despite all this, and despite the fact that I actually feel GOOD when I am doing work, I can't seem to resist the impulse to chat with friends in the background or browse amusing sites or ... er ... post questions / comments to Metafilter. And I know how to resist these things, I can add sites to block to my Hosts file or use Temptation Blocker, and set up regular breaks instead of making the day one big mashup of work & break. But I can't seem to just ignore my urge to check my buddy list or my favorite sites when the urge strikes.

I cannot go on living like this. I know in part why I do it - I am depressed and I am always on the hunt for a little burst of feeling good. So, yeah, the doughnuts and the new shiny store-bought whatevers and the internet amusements make me feel good for a few minutes, maybe an hour, maybe a couple of days. But never in the long haul.

How do I discipline myself and/or REMIND myself not to cave into instant gratification? How can I get my life back under my own control?

How bad is it to dump someone because of how they previously looked?

dkleinst — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 05:57:47 -0800

How bad is it to dump someone because of how they previously looked? I dated a fairly attractive girl a while ago, and things were going pretty well until she showed me her drivers license. In the picture on it, she was obese. She told me that since the picture was taken she had lost 200 pounds.

To be honest, I couldn't get the image of the obese her out of my head. When we were intimate, I thought that I could detect folds of skin which were left over from when she was overweight. This disgusted me.

Soon after, I dumped her. Every time I saw her, I couldn't help but think of the picture and wonder how she could have let herself get that far out of control.

Now, I think about it often, and I'm kind of concerned that I've been a totally insensitive jerk. It's not like I let her know that her former obesity was the reason I dumped her though. Do I have a right to some shallowness? Just how wrong was I?

Should I commit to my significantly overweight girlfriend?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 May 2007 19:49:32 -0800

Should I commit to my significantly overweight girlfriend? I recognize that this sounds like the perfect MeFi troll, but I'm for real. I'm in a great relationship with a great woman and we're starting to think about taking the next step (moving in together leading relatively quickly to an engagement.) One of the few things that gives me pause, however, is that she is very overweight.

At the moment, it's not a problem, since she is not hindered by her weight, I'm completely attracted to her, and the sex is great. What I'm worried about is that she will gain more weight in the future (we would probably have a couple kids) and that it will adversely affect our relationship in terms of the limits it might place on things we can do together, the impact on potential children, and the way I'm attracted to her.

I should add that I am overweight myself, although to a lesser degree, and that I am empathetic towards people with weight problems. Unlike many MeFites, I don't see being overweight as a personal failing, but rather something which 90% of overweight people have little long-term control over. I just want to know what I'm getting into.

Not pregnant, just fat

cilantro — Tue, 08 May 2007 04:55:33 -0800

Because of the way I carry my excess weight, I look pregnant. I think this is preventing me from finding a job. I am about 40 pounds overweight, and every bit of it is carried in my stomach and breasts (yes, I know how incredibly unhealthy this is because of heart disease and diabetes and I'm working on it). My legs, hips, and arms are quite thin, so I look like I am about 7 months pregnant, give or take. On more than one occasion, well-meaning old ladies have asked me when I am due or if it's my first or if it's a girl or a boy (for some reason, since it's always old ladies, it doesn't bother me). I've been to 24 job interviews (seriously) in the last month, and not one has called back. I am qualified, articulate, friendly, confident, etc. and I have a solid work history and excellent references. I've been told that the job market where I live is pretty hot at the moment. I just can't believe that not ONE of the 24 companies for which I have interviewed wouldn't so much as consider me for a second interview, and I am afraid it's because they don't want to hire someone who is going to have a kid in the next two months.
So, I guess my question has two parts - is there any way to casually drop the fact that I am not pregnant into the conversation during the interview? And, since I am a total idiot when it comes to clothes, what can I wear to make me look less pregnant? (I'm in my 20's and only 5'2", looking for work in a professional-yet-creative industry, if that helps)

Seeking data about the health effects of dieting for non-overweight people interested in moderate weight loss.

croutonsupafreak — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 11:16:05 -0800

Is there data about moderate weight loss for the relatively thin? For example, we all know that yo-yo dieting is bad, etc., etc. But is there any data about whether it's bad for a not-overweight person to gain five pounds every winter and then lose it every spring? It seems like all the healthy eating and weight loss stuff I read is based on studies of fat people.

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:26:36 -0800

How can I get my doctor to take me seriously about my libido problems? I'm 21, a woman, and engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I have always been overweight (yet confident, healthy and body positive!) and I have been using oral contraceptives for three years. I have not made any drastic changes to warrant my problem.

About a year ago, my sex drive just... disappeared. I went from thinking and breathing sex most of the day, masturbating often and initiating most sexual encounters to barely wanting to undress, play or do anything sexual whatsoever. The change wasn't really noticeable until I realized that my partner and I weren't having sex very often and that I consistently had to turn him down for one reason or another. We are definitely attracted to each other and have no relationship problems that would cause sexual dysfunction. This, to me, feels more than just the "honeymoon phase" ending. He and I have wonderful communication and openness--it is not a relationship problem. I have always thought that if both parties are comfortable with the rate of sexual activity, even if it's low, then there's no problem---but I'm not comfortable with it! I want more sex and I want my sex drive back!

It feels like a physical thing, so I want to see my doctor about it. I've talked to my NP, who shot me down completely: I'm not horny because I'm fat ("by the way, consider Weight Watchers"), and besides, I shouldn't worry about it because I'm so young; since I depend on the state to fulfill my meager health needs, I can usually only see pissy nurses who aren't getting paid enough and have some kind of vendetta against sexually-active young women. Back when I was on my parent's insurance, I mentioned it to my family doctor, who laughed and said that I don't need to worry about it because I am not married (!).

Perhaps it's just been a string of bad experiences that makes me so unconfident with talking to doctors about my sexual problems, but I want to know how to get a doctor to take me seriously. I wish I could say, "Humor me, doc. Give me a barrage of hormonal tests, thyroid tests, what have you until everything comes out fine--maybe then I'll be satisfied with 'lose weight, hurf durf butter eater'." This is a pretty ...conservative region, so it's not easy to find a sex-positive doctor. It seems my age, my size and my gender have just been a joke and frankly, I'm sick of it. What do I do? What are the magic words?

anonymous because the last thing i need is my employer googling my screenname and reading about my sex life

Can a nutritionist stage an intervention?

vetiver — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 20:17:37 -0800

I’d like to find an Austin-area nutritionist who makes house calls, if such a person exists. I’m talking about someone who will come in and go through the fridge and the cupboards and the pantries, throwing out the over-processed, obesity-fostering crapola, and then provide—even dictate—a shopping list and a weekly menu. If that’s not possible, what’s the nearest approximation? I thought about posting only the question, with no [more inside], but I figured that’s just pure flame-bait. And, really, who am I—an avid AskMe reader—to hoard the intimate details that we all find so compelling? And so—

I’m asking about this for my nephew, who is seriously overweight. He’ll be nine in May; he’s 5 feet tall and weighs 160 pounds. His parents divorced when he was almost four and my brother has full custody. Our parents, especially our mother, handle a lot of the day-to-day child care. (Brother [let’s call him Bob] and nephew [“Nick”] live in the house Bob and I grew up in; my parents live in a house they built, about 100 yards away. My mother is retired; my father works four days a week.) Nick has always been off the charts in terms of length/height, which is not surprising since Bob played college football as a defensive lineman, and his ex, Nick’s mother, was a college basketball player. Up until Nick was about five, he was just a big, tall kid. At some point, he started gaining weight and he hasn’t stopped. He's had all the standard tests for any hormonal abnormality—negative.

They all live in my hometown, and I live in NYC. They come here or I go there twice a year, and we talk regularly, at least once a week. Of course I was aware of Nick’s weight gain. Talking to my parents and brother on the phone, it sounded like they were doing all the right things: giving him healthy choices, encouraging physical activity, not singleing him out for “special” foods, aiming for weight stabilization instead of weight loss, etc. That’s not necessarily what I saw on my visits, but it’s hard to tell over four days.

Then I went home for the holidays, for almost three weeks, and really got to know everybody’s daily rhythm and habits. The problem that seems easiest to deal with is the food selection at my parents’ house. (My brother doesn’t cook at all, so Nick and/or Bob eats breakfast and/or dinner there every day.) My parents’ idea of helping Nick is giving him a lite HotPocket for breakfast, which I doubt is much of an improvement over the heh-vee HotPocket.

I love my parents and my brother, but I’m absolutely certain that they’re fucking up with Nick’s diet. I’m equally certain that while they can’t hear it from me, they’d accept guidance from an outsider with credentials.

Can I hire someone for a nutritional intervention?

One night, after Nick had fallen asleep on the sofa, my mother and I were telling family stories, which veered into me talking about my husband’s death, 15 years ago. Not the next afternoon but the one after, there was a poem slid very clumsily under my pillow, a poem about loss and devastation and a dog hit by a car. (“He was puffy and black/ I wish he was back”)

I love love love this boy, and I want to do right by him. Help me out here.

They really do call it the Catkins diet

climalene — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 09:44:40 -0800

Should I switch my cat to a high-protein wet food? If so, what kind? When we went to the vet this morning, Ronnie weighed 9 pounds, up from her usual steady 8 pounds. She is 5 years old. She is small-framed, so I had definitely noticed the weight gain over the past year, though she is far from fat.

She eats half a packet of Whiskas wet food a day, and has regular dry Iams available at all times. She is an indoor cat but very active. She is healthy except for some premature tartar buildup, which the last vet had me feeding her tartar control treats for.

The vet recommended I feed her a high protein diet to prevent further weight gain. He claims high protein (50%+), very low-carb (10%-) wet diets are better for cats, because they mimic cats' historic diets. He also said the old story about dry food being better for cats' teeth is wrong; dry carbs can actually make tooth decay worse. And he said high protein has not been proven to cause kidney problems, which used to be a concern.

He gave me some reading material, which I've gone through critically. I've also done some general internet research and read a bunch of abstracts on PubMed. And I still can't tell whether the high-protein argument has general support in the veterinary community.

I am willing to spend more on cat food, but not insane amounts, and I have neither time nor inclination to prepare Ronnie's food myself using whole rabbits, organ meats, and a variety of supplements. Advice?