Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with onlinedating

Why Did He Bring His Girlfriend On a Date With Me?

aabbbiee — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:37:59 -0800

Online-dating filter: Should I confront him about bringing his girlfriend on what I thought was a date, or just let it all go? I am female, 31, and I've just started dating again after my shitty marriage ended. I've had a few dates in the past few weeks, and I'm getting more confident and laid-back about the whole thing. I'm not looking for anything really serious.

About 3-4 weeks ago, a guy emailed me on a popular online dating website. We chatted for a couple of weeks in email. He seemed nice. He asked me to dinner, and that went well. At the end, I said, "This was fun. Do you want to do it again?" He said, "Sure, yes," and sounded like he meant it. Then he followed up by saying that he had been kind of seeing another person for a week and a half.
By my calculations, he'd asked me to dinner since he'd started seeing this other person, which said to me that they weren't serious. I said, "Well, whatever, we can be casual. Honesty is good." Blah blah blah. I might have said something about being friends, but really I totally got the impression that he liked me and I liked him, and maybe he wanted to just date around a little, be casual, and that was all fine with me. We are both slightly nerdy, with reserved, quiet dispositions, and we were having a great conversation with a lot of laughing.
He emailed me immediately the next day and talked about getting lunch again the next week (which was last week). We exchanged numbers, real email addresses, etc. Funny, flirty emails ensued over the next few days. In addition to lunch, we talked about going to an afternoon event on the weekend (this past weekend). He said that there are other people at his work that were interested in that event, and maybe there'd be a group or something. We met up for lunch on Thursday as we had planned, and that went well. He talked generally about the weekend event and that one of his coworkers in particular would probably attend with us. I thought that was fine, no big deal, sounds like fun. On Friday afternoon, he emailed me to ask if I want to see a movie that same afternoon and said this same coworker might want to see it too. He namechecked her for the first time. I said, yes, great.

I met up with him and this coworker for the movie and then we ate a very casual dinner afterwards. I thought they were just friends and coworkers, but it dawned on me that this is the girl he'd been seeing for the past few weeks. She referred to him in a very familiar way, and she put her hand on his thigh. After dinner, we headed back to the cars and they were obviously leaving together. He mentioned the weekend event plans, and she was the only other person coming to it with him (and me). I was more than a little crushed because I like him.
When we met to go to the event on Sunday, they arrived together. She obviously thought that she's dating this guy. She was touching him, using the word "we", commenting on what they did together the previous day. It sounded like they have been dating for months, but she was still in the touchy-feely honeymoony phase. He was hard to read and did not touch her like she touched him. I was friendly and acted normally, but I was totally uncomfortable and felt like a third wheel.

For no good reason, I like him. He doesn't seem to be as cruel or manipulative as it sounds on paper, just probably oblivious. He is late 30s. (She is probably early 20s, but I don't think that's a factor.) To be clear, he and I were just flirting with some extended eye contact, etc., but we never actually touched. But I know flirting and I know chemistry and I know what a fucking date is.
Meanwhile, he is still on the dating site. His profile is active. He is listed as single. He instigated the conversation and dates, though I was an active part of the planning and conversation- I'm just saying, he was proactive with me and not just reactive.

So. Should I just walk away without explanation, or should I confront him about this and ask him what the hell he was thinking by inviting me to events with someone who clearly considers herself his girlfriend? I can't think of any logical explanation for his behavior, but I'm (for no good reason) willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Please remember, none of us are confrontational people, so demanding an explanation would be a big deal for me. I don't want to confront him by email, and I really hate talking on the phone. He mentioned seeing me again when we left after the event, so if that did transpire, I could potentially agree and then use that to confront him, but it would totally stress me out.

God, I feel like a moron, but I don't know what lesson to learn here. WTF?

should I pay for match.com platinum?

mercredi — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:08:46 -0800

[overthinking filter] Should I pay for match.com platinum? So, I think I'm going to take the plunge and pay for match.com for 6 months. Having decided that, it's a pretty nominal addition to pay for the "platinum" option that allows everyone else on the site to email you. ($22 vs $17/month).

On one hand this opens up a potentially way higher number of members, because everyone who's "just looking" can email you.

On the other, I worry that it somehow looks sorta needy. Like that if people really wanted to talk to you, they'd just sign up already.

I know I'm overthinking this. And, now I'd like your help. Money aside, which would you do? Would paying for this option send any negative signals to you? (Assume that people would know I've chosen to do this -- that's the whole point, as it lets them email when they couldn't otherwise.)

Context:
- 28 year old woman looking for men.
- looking around, about 1/10 or 1/15 of active members seem to have chosen this option.

Also, while I've read the online dating questions, I'd always be happy for general advice wading into the online dating pool.

Online Dating Pileup

youchirren — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 23:32:24 -0800

I met someone that I (really) like through an online dating service (rhymes with batch.bomb) - but I'm in correspondence (and in one case f2f) withe several others. What should I say to them? I have had the usual progression from several/many e-mails to meetings of increasing intimacy (emotional intimacy - nothing more physical than a hug), but in the midst of these, met someone (we'll call her "X") and became physically and emotionally intimate quite quickly. We seem to have hit it off extremely well, and X has told me that she canceled her online membership, while I have (somewhat ambivalently) continued innocent(?) e-mail conversations that had begun before I met X. I haven't started or replied to anyone new, but did have a f2f meeting that had been scheduled before I met X, and which was pleasant, but without anything flirty/intimate. My question is what should I do about these others? Should I write each one a "Dear Jane" letter, even though we have done nothing more than corresponded online, maybe say that I have met someone, but would like to be friends (truthfully), drop from sight, join the foreign legion?

Good online dating sites for UK people?

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:35:33 -0800

Good online dating sites in the UK that aren't cheap and tacky? I'm embracing online dating. Typically for a MeFi user, things like intelligence and even sophistication matter to me. Additionally, although it's not a driving factor in my choice, I also want to explore my sexuality and would like to make this clear, but some of the sexually-oriented sites seem pretty horrendous. I'm not after brief sexual encounters, but am looking for sexual maturity, I guess.

What sites have worked for you? I don't mind paying to join.

Good UK dating sites for people who can spell?

humblepigeon — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:26:35 -0800

Good UK online dating sites for people who can spell?

Moved too fast, how to slow it down?

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:06:43 -0800

We met on eHarmony but live long distance from each other. After a few weeks of great emails and phone calls, we travelled to the same city to meet in person, had a wonderful time and had sex. I was overwhelmed with what had happened, am not used to sex without commitment, and when I got home got carried away and emailed him to say I had decided to stop communicating with other men on eHarmony. He emailed back to say he appreciated that and that he had a wonderful time with me but he didn't say he would stop communicating with other women. And yes, I do think it's far, far too soon to expect that.

Now in the light of day, I feel like I have moved too fast and would like to take back what I said about not communicating with other men, mostly because I feel like it would be better for my emotional stability not to put all my eggs in one basket quite yet, and because I also find some of my other matches interesting. Can I do this and if so what should I say to him? We are supposed to meet again in about 3 weeks.

I anticipate a pile-on telling me that I only said I would stop communicating with others in the hope that he would say the same and that I was playing games. I swear at the time I didn't consciously see it that way but in retrospect it may be partially true. I would very much prefer answers that didn't castigate me for what I have already done but that helped me move in a positive direction in the future given that I have obviously made a mistake. Thank you.

Are you starting a conversation or ending it?

Anonymous — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 09:17:01 -0800

Online dating: How do you interpret a reply that doesn't seem to further the conversation? Is the non-response response a response or a non-response? Let's do some emotional forensics over-analysis. I've been trying the online dating thing for a bit. The previous relationship to come out of this started with the woman messaging me (I'm a guy), so I'm a bit in the woods on how to interpret responses from messages I initiate.

As a completely fictionalized example, let's say I sent something like this:Hi, I saw you also enjoy Oprah, hiking, and basket-weaving. What are your favorite hikes in the area? I just completed my latest basket-weaving project and was thinking how it's a hobby that doesn't get enough attention. Have you read Oprah's latest book yet?

And got a response like this:I totally agree about the basket-weaving thing. I'm thinking of joining the weaving anti-defamation league.

Oprah is so great. It's too bad her magazine sucks. I hope I can see her on her book tour this summer.
- Jenny

On the one hand, it's an actual reply that doesn't say "no thanks", which is a pretty good start. On the other hand, answering questions without offering additional information or questions of your own feels like an intentional shutting down of the conversation. What would your read on the situation be? Playing rhetorical hard-to-get?

21yo college student seeks same

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:39:48 -0800

Is it socially acceptable for a male college student to use online dating? If so, what service should I use? I'm a mildly attractive college student who is so reclusive that he is practically a shut-in-- already in therapy, thank you. I have a relationship-like arrangement with a woman who has given me permission to look down other avenues because her busy schedule does not give me as much attention as I'd like. I understand that is generally acceptable for women my age to use online dating services to meet older men, but is it okay for male college students to use online dating? Will people (employers, personal enemies, random jackasses on the internet) find my profile and use it against me in some manner? Will I be exposing myself to ridicule? (I know that sounds kind of paranoid but I figured I'd ask)

If it's socially acceptable, which online dating service should I use? Obviously, I would like to use a service that has a wide selection of other local (DC-area) college students.

Could anything make a nice guy less attractive?

IAmBroom — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 14:36:18 -0800

Unemployed and dating... Advice! So, I (and hundreds of thousands of other poor saps) got laid off recently. Eh. I've survived other layoffs; this too will pass.

I'm also enrolled in an online dating service, and fully committed to being honest with all my dates (so little-white-lies aren't an option). Let's be realistic here: an out-of-work guy is about as handicapped as an unattractive women. Like it or not, in general, men are visually stimulated, and women like successful men.

I've had a consistent, high salary, and will again. In the meantime, I'm bettering myself: trying to learn new skills, looking into starting a new business, and so on. I've decided that putting my dating life on hold would feel a bit like "giving up", so I'm staying engaged there, too.

In addition, I have some terrific use'm-or-lose'm restaurant coupons coming due in the next few months, so I can actually afford to take a lady out to dinner without endangering my budget. But first I have to get them there.

How can I present myself in the best possible light to ladies who show interest in my profile, or respond to my initial emails? I've found the question comes up pretty quickly, usually as "So, where do you work?"

No takebacks in online dating?

hapax_legomenon — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:08:39 -0800

[OnlineDatingFilter]: What to do when you've sent an intro email that you, after the fact (of course) realize is not some of your best, er, work? Ride it out and hope that maybe the recipient will see through the momentary lapse in reason or cleverness to the sparkling gem inside? Follow up with a mea culpa of sorts, in which you write what you really wanted to write initially but were trying to be too clever or pithy or whatever? Chalk it up to a learning experience and forget about it? I've read all the posts about how to craft the perfect email, etc., but haven't found anything discussing what (if anything, let's be real) that you can do to address sender's remorse. I'm kinda new to the online dating scene in general, and have up until now not initiated any contact with anyone (I'm a woman, if that matters). This guy, however, is appealing -- and regardless if we actually ended up on a date, we've had some similar life experiences that would be fun/interesting to compare. Have I blown it? I emailed him on Saturday, and it's now Monday. Can I email him again and if so, when? What's your take, online MetaDaters?

Do phone calls come before or after the first date

dyslexictraveler — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:52:33 -0800

Do you talk on the phone before you go on first dates with people you meet online? So, I'm brand new in the online dating world. After putting up a profile on one of the major dating sites a few days ago I've managed to get myself into some rather long winded email conversations with several different people that I'm (potentially) interested in meeting.

So my question is, what's the next step? Do I ask them out on a date now, or is it normal to have a phone call (or multiple phone calls) first? What I'm really trying to understand is just what a typical chronology of communications looks like from the first contact all the way through meeting in person after meeting someone online.

You see, my inclination is that talking on the phone would be kind of awkward at this stage. But from reading through the previous online dating threads I see lots of references to pre-first-date phone calls, but no one addressing this topic specifically. So I'm not sure what the etiquette is here.

Best online dating in the UK

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 08:17:34 -0800

What's the best online dating site for the UK? Details, annecdotes, and answers to other little questions welcome. I've read many of the other questions but it seems a lot can change (Nerve and others aren't what they used to be) and several answers only apply to the US (Impersonals looks great for me but there's only a dozen or so people in my area). A lot of other recommended sites have very few UK people.

If there's more than to recommend, do they have particular characters? Is one just for extra-marital affairs, chavs, high-flying professionals or MySpace teenagers?

I've learned a lot from AskMe (how to write a profile and first email, don't take non-repliers personally, etc) but is there anything else I should know? Is it true that everyone lies a little and I should go ahead and add 2 inches to my height and forget the 8lbs I put on over the summer (and expect the same from people I find)? Are there any other unwritten rules (such as social-drinker really means moderate drinker and moderate-drinker means lush...or do people that smoke cannabis still tick 'no' on the drugs question) I should know about? If I'm just looking for "casual dating" now but open to the possibility that it becomes something serious which boxes should I tick?

If it helps, I'm a amicably divorced male in his early thirties who wishes Impersonals had a bigger following in the UK. Not in London, but close enough to travel for the right person.

Help me write excellent online dating emails.

Sloop John B — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 10:11:18 -0800

I'm not a bad writer, but I'm really, really bad at writing online dating emails. Please give me some tips on how to write an excellent online dating email. I keep finding myself in the situation where a girl likes my profile and sends me an email, but after I respond, I never hear back. Obviously, I know how to write a compelling profile, otherwise she wouldn't be writing to me in the first place. However, I always manage to screw up the email.

I'm not a bad writer. In fact, I've been complimented on my writing by many people. However, there's something about the online dating email that just eludes me. Perhaps my tone is too formal, or maybe my emails are too long. Who knows. In any case, the result is often the same - a big, fat, unresponded email.

And so I turn to you, hive mind.

Girls - what do you look for in an online dating email? What makes you think "this guy is someone I would like to meet?" What are some specific turn-offs? How many questions should I ask in an email? How long should an email be? How can I avoid looking desperate? I promise you that I'm not actually desperate.

Guys - what works? What doesn't work? (and by "work," I mean "get a positive response that continues the conversation.")

I don't write crude, risque, or profane things in my emails. I write complete sentences and use correct spelling. I capitalize properly, and I don't use chatspeak. So no need to remind me of any of these things.

Thanks for the help.

Is there a nice way to say 'thanks, but no' in online dating?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 11:25:25 -0800

How do I politely say "thanks, but no thanks" when someone messages me from an online dating site? I've recently joined okcupid, mostly to meet new people, and so far have had some really nice conversations. However, I've also had some people contact me that I don't seem to have anything in common with. I don't want to just delete their messages - that seems rude, when they've gone out on a limb to message me. But what's a polite way to say I don't see anything to talk about, without that turning into its own conversation?

How close is too close before you meet someone IRL?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:35:11 -0800

Online dating issues. How close is too close *before* you meet someone in real life? So there's this guy, right. We met online, and we're definitely hitting it off on IM and on the phone. We intend to meet in person once he moves significantly closer to me, which he has been planning to do all along (before he met me). As soon as he locks down a job and a place to live he'll be moving, and to the best of our knowledge this will be by the end of the month, two tops. Until then, we're stuck with great IM and phone chemistry, and pictures of each other we drool over, and little else.

My fear is not that he's going to end up never moving - he just finished college and has been planning on doing so since he graduated. I certainly feel close enough to him already to trust him on this matter. Moreover, I worry about pouring so much of my time and energy into someone I still haven't met, even though we've been consistently hitting it off and I have yet to see or hear a single red flag. We talk online or on the phone usually for at least an hour or two every day and have been doing so for about a month now. We're both quite confident that even if we don't have physical chemistry, we'll still be friends. Yet I still worry, and more than he does.

Are my fears of possible rejection or time-wasting justified, or do I need to just unclench and enjoy the amazing connection we're already having?

Is our closeness unhealthy?

Any insight would be appreciated. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll respond via MeFi mail if you'd like. I'm posting anonymously in the hopes he won't see this. Gulp.

Nice way to say no, thanks

angiewriter — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:47:21 -0800

Occasionally, I respond to online personal ads that do not have a picture attached. I ask for a picture, and sometimes, when I see the pictures, I'm not attracted in the least to the person. Shallow, I know, but physical attraction is important to me. What is a polite way of saying this without hurting their feelings?

Dating for widows. Not the spider kind. Not the text layout kind.

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:03:17 -0800

Widow in her mid-thirties would like some dating tips... I'm in my mid thirties and my husband passed away about 7 years ago. (and no, this isn't the way I usually start conversations) I've tried to date on and off, but have not yet found anyone where there is any mutual desire to be "in a relationship". Some might say I haven't "dated" anyone, but I find that to be an ambiguous term. I date. I go on dates. I just don't sequentially date one individual.

I'm unclear on when or how to bring up my marital status. I don't generally mention it on the first date. I have mentioned it on the first date in response to questions like "So, have you ever been married?". Men usually seem shocked and distressed whether I simply state that I am a widow, or explain that I was married but my husband died. Then they usually start asking how he died, if it was expected, etc -- if I found out a man was divorced, I wouldn't start asking if it was expected, the details of the settlement, etc. on the first or second date. I usually try to steer the conversation back to getting to know each other a little better.

Friends have reassured me that men wouldn't particularly care that I'm widowed as far as making a decision to date me. I've noticed that some personals sites ask if you are interested in meeting people who are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. Many men seem to check off everything but widowed.

I think I've got a fairly positive attitude overall, and sometimes acquaintances comment on how happy I look, or that I'm always in a good mood. I'm reasonably outgoing, and don't feel that I need more men approaching me in public than currently do. I have tried to approach men once in a while, but find that their not approaching is usually a sign that they are just not that into me. I've been dipping my toe into online dating on okcupid, mainly because I felt discouraged by yahoo personals showing me profiles of men who don't want to date widows when I've checked off the box that says that's what my status is.

I've tried asking friends to introduce me to people, but I don't think this is common in my social circles, as I only met one man that way. I do a lot of activities I enjoy, and I do meet men this way, so I don't need to be told to join a club or take a class.

I make the effort to go on dates, but more often than not I don't find it to be a very enjoyable experience overall. Usually, I either don't enjoy the date itself, or I enjoy the date and wonder why I never hear from the guy again. I do pay attention to having a good balance of conversation, and even if I'm not having a great time I figure I can use the practice and might learn something.

Are men interested in attractive women in their mid thirties who happen to be widows? What and when is the best way to reveal this information?

Bonus question: Do most people enjoy going on first dates? I see that some people doing online dating want to date for "fun", and I'm not sure if that means "sex is fun" or "first dates are fun". BTW, I have no trouble at all meeting men for sex, this question is specifically about dating, as in meeting someone in a public place which would involve some sort of refreshment, conversation, and possibly some sort of activity done with clothes on.

Yes, I know there are online dating sites for widows/widowers, and they have very small memberships. Yes, I know there are support groups for "young" widows/widowers, and from my perspective these are groups of "older" widows/widowers. I've been to some, and have not found much in common with people there. Yes, I know there are online groups for widows, etc. And yes, I've already done counseling.

How to write opening emails on online dating sites.

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:28:56 -0800

How to send that first email in the world of online dating. So I'm on a few online dating sites. I'm a paying match.com user, and I've got a profile up on okcupid as well. I haven't been living in the area I'm living in for long, so I don't know many people.

I'm looking for tips on how to approach that first email to a woman. I'm a man, fyi. I am not really a serial dater; I'm interested in something that could lead to a relationship. I'm old enough that I am interested in settling down with the right person.

But I never know how to open. I've read some other AskMe threads about online dating, but I'd love to hear about techniques that have been effective for you. Or, if you're female, what helps a message to you stand out from the crowd?

Know any good South American dating sites?

Ashley801 — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:08:40 -0800

Do you know of any good dating sites which mainly serve South America? I'm looking for either the South American equivalent of North America's Match or Europe's Meetic (huge, well-run mainstream site),

OR the South American equivalent of Consumating or Impersonals (relatively small, but high quality and attracting a quirky and quality pool of members).

I am NOT looking for sites which chiefly serve other continents but allow members located in South America.

Dating sites: Why do some work and others dont?

browolf — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 13:46:01 -0800

Dating sites: Some seem to work better than others. By work I mean getting interest/dates out of them. There's a lot of variance in design and functionality amongst these sites. I'm inclined to believe in the cases where the site totally didnt work there's something fundamentally flawed about them. A few years ago I spent a lot of time on dating sites, which was ultimately a successful experience. However it always fascinated me how some sites worked really well and others totally not. Until I found metafilter I didnt particularly have anyone to discuss this with. I ponder it from time to time. No Im not active on any dating sites nor wishing I was.

I was on most/all of the free sites around and a couple of paid ones and most of the social networking ones.Generally I kept my profile the same and stuck to the same strategy. In this I was a constant. Therefore either my strategy was unsuitable for the site or the site was flawed in its design.

I'm interested to hear your opinions about sites that didnt seem to work for you, particularly why you think it didnt work. By work I mean getting interest/having dates. Theres a million reasons why dating doesnt work and I want to keep that separate.

The Lowdown: Online Dating Etiquette

cookie googleman — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 17:50:04 -0800

I'm a female about to venture into the world of online dating. Are there any norms/rules/trends that I should know about? Not that I would blindly follow rules— I would just like to be aware of them.

Your Experiences with Online Dating Services?

WCityMike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 14:26:19 -0800

Have you used Chemistry.Com? eHarmony? Match? Etc.? I recently signed up for six months on Chemistry -- so I will be giving it that much time.

But I'm curious as to whether Mefites liked their time on it (or Match or eHarmony or fill in the blank). Basically, I'm curious to see if a consensus is going to form as to whether any particular service is particularly good or particularly bad, for the purposes of either sticking with them or moving on once my subscription runs out.

I do understand offline dating exists [obviously ;-)], but my question here is solely for people's experiences with online dating services.

Could you also in your response (if not obvious from your handle) advise me of your age group and gender, since that criteria makes a difference with such services? Thanks.

P.S. Any chance of MeFiMatch, Matt?

We have so much in common. Knowing my luck, he's a MeFite too.

aristan — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:43:39 -0800

I met a really great guy online, talked for hours (30+) across 4 days. We've got a lot in common, but the first in person meeting/date (dinner & a movie) went horribly when I forgot how to interact with human beings. After a couple of days of not talking we're back up to where we were: several hours of conversation a night. I'd like to ask him out again. Any suggestions on what to do or where to go? Any tips on how to actually remember to talk on a date? He's made comments that I think imply he's willing to give it another go, but it's up to me. I'd like less stress, but he's mentioned a play he'd like to see. I'm not sure if some of the hints he's dropped are actually hints. I've been told that I wouldn't know flirting if it dropped it's pants in front of me.

It appears from our interaction so far, that I'm going to be the one who does the asking out, which isn't a role I'm all the comfortable with.

I'm looking for something fun that'll let us get to know one another. I really like the guy and would love to have him as a friend if nothing else.

And just in case he is reading this...

You wanna go out Friday night?

shit or get off the pot.

violetk — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:29:53 -0800

OnlineDatingFilter: what's up with the non-meet-up? yes, yet another chronicle in the life of the single girl…yea!

so a couple of weeks ago i was contacted by a guy much younger than i from a dating site. i was wary at first as i didn't think i'd have much in common with him but we get to chatting on IM and we've actually seemed to have really hit it off. the exchanges vary between being extremely flirtatious to just normal but very interesting and fun conversation to almost mundane work jabber. i'm pleasantly surprised because he seems quite mature and together for someone in his early 20s. he loves the looks of me, and—tho not my usual physical type, i have to admit i like the looks of him (or maybe i am more intriqued by the fact that he is extremely attractive and he works in a completely computer-geeky field because…i like the cute dorks.).

so after a week of chatting nearly every day, we talk about meeting up but when i'd ask if he wanted to call me (because i am not a huge fan of becoming overly familiar with someone over the internets when…you live in the same town and could just meet in person because…you need to figure out if things translate in the real world) or when we were going out, he would deflect the question or give a vague answer. and then i didn't hear from him for almost a week even though he was clearly logged on at times. which started to raise some flags with me…so i emailed him about it; it's clearly stated but not rudely put which—as he had always insisted that he loved the fact that i was not afraid to say what was on my mind, i figured that would be an opportunity to get things off my chest about guys online who say they want to meet up and then disappear. normally i would let it drop because i think the usual reaction from guys should they be called out would be, "whoa, she's crazy!" so i fully expect never to hear from him again.

but after returning from being out, i see that he has sent me some IMs explaining how busy he'd been at work lately (in fact, he was there that weekend doing whatever computer-geeky thing he had to do) and he wasn't ignoring me and he'll talk to me soon. so i email again reiterating my position and again don't expect to hear from him. but then the other night he gets on IM and we end up having the usual fun conversation and before he goes to bed, he again explains he's been busy with work and with summer, trying to do things out and about and with friends and we'll talk for sure about meeting up the next time. which, okay, i totally understand. everyone's busy, you know? that's what it is to have a life. but too busy to meet up? especially with someone to whom you have already professed a great interest? he hasn't even asked for my number. i'm not sure i buy it. does anyone here buy it? am i right to assume that ppl who seem only to want to talk online are either a) in some sort of relationship so they really can't meet up or b) just like fucking around online with no intention of ever meeting? (i mean, whatever, ppl are entitled, it's just not my thing; i prefer real world interaction over virtual whenever possible.)

(and yes, i fully intend to give him an ultimatum about meeting up but just wanted to know what is the hive opinion and/or ppl's similar experiences with the non-meetups…because if you can't already tell by my previous questions, interpersonal interactions really fascinate me.)

I need a first chance to make a first impression

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:23 -0800

What should I put in my first email to someone I found on an online dating site? I've read through lots of the Ask MeFi threads on this subject (13 tagged onlinedating, 4 marked dating and online and a slew of others), but still haven't really found the guidance I'm looking for, so here we are.

I have an account on an online dating service. I log in, view lots of profiles, read about many women who seem very interesting to me, and then.... I do nothing.

I find the first email to be just as awkward as going up to a stranger in a bar, which I never do, except I know a lot more about her than if we were in a bar, and she will know more about me. In fact, it's even more awkward, because there's a lot more information in play, which means the rejection might actually be based on something. (Although, I don't always know useful information, since lots of women all share an interest in going out or staying in, dressing up or dressing down, and family and friends! But that's a separate discussion).

This is not a minor hurdle for me, for some reason. I've been a member of the site for a few years, and have only emailed or IM'd complete strangers a handful of times.

I'm not normally shy or particularly introverted. I do well in groups, and fine with individuals once I've met them. It's the meeting and making a first impression that I'm stuck on.

For those of you who have tried online dating (match, yahoo, nerve, okcupid, jdate, whateveryourkinkis.com, etc.), what makes a good first email? I'm a guy looking to meet a lovely lady, but I'm happy to hear from anyone with thoughts on the issue.

How long should it be? Should I mention if I think she's cute? Generally, I've had good luck with sincere compliments in person, but another thread said that was a generic thing to put in an email. Will that sound like every email she gets? Should I comment on specific things in her profile? What do I say about me? She can click on my profile for the basics, so I don't want to repeat it all, but it seems presumptuous to assume she's going to read the profile, right? Should I specifically ask her to read my profile? Do I say i hope she'll write back, or that I'd like to meet her, or that I'd like to chat?

And so on... I get all wound up on what to say and end up never saying anything. Help!