Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with onlinedating

Is there a nice way to say 'thanks, but no' in online dating?

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 11:25:25 -0800

How do I politely say "thanks, but no thanks" when someone messages me from an online dating site? I've recently joined okcupid, mostly to meet new people, and so far have had some really nice conversations. However, I've also had some people contact me that I don't seem to have anything in common with. I don't want to just delete their messages - that seems rude, when they've gone out on a limb to message me. But what's a polite way to say I don't see anything to talk about, without that turning into its own conversation?

How close is too close before you meet someone IRL?

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:35:11 -0800

Online dating issues. How close is too close *before* you meet someone in real life? So there's this guy, right. We met online, and we're definitely hitting it off on IM and on the phone. We intend to meet in person once he moves significantly closer to me, which he has been planning to do all along (before he met me). As soon as he locks down a job and a place to live he'll be moving, and to the best of our knowledge this will be by the end of the month, two tops. Until then, we're stuck with great IM and phone chemistry, and pictures of each other we drool over, and little else.

My fear is not that he's going to end up never moving - he just finished college and has been planning on doing so since he graduated. I certainly feel close enough to him already to trust him on this matter. Moreover, I worry about pouring so much of my time and energy into someone I still haven't met, even though we've been consistently hitting it off and I have yet to see or hear a single red flag. We talk online or on the phone usually for at least an hour or two every day and have been doing so for about a month now. We're both quite confident that even if we don't have physical chemistry, we'll still be friends. Yet I still worry, and more than he does.

Are my fears of possible rejection or time-wasting justified, or do I need to just unclench and enjoy the amazing connection we're already having?

Is our closeness unhealthy?

Any insight would be appreciated. If you have any questions, feel free to ask and I'll respond via MeFi mail if you'd like. I'm posting anonymously in the hopes he won't see this. Gulp.

Nice way to say no, thanks

angiewriter — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:47:21 -0800

Occasionally, I respond to online personal ads that do not have a picture attached. I ask for a picture, and sometimes, when I see the pictures, I'm not attracted in the least to the person. Shallow, I know, but physical attraction is important to me. What is a polite way of saying this without hurting their feelings?

Dating for widows. Not the spider kind. Not the text layout kind.

Anonymous — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:03:17 -0800

Widow in her mid-thirties would like some dating tips... I'm in my mid thirties and my husband passed away about 7 years ago. (and no, this isn't the way I usually start conversations) I've tried to date on and off, but have not yet found anyone where there is any mutual desire to be "in a relationship". Some might say I haven't "dated" anyone, but I find that to be an ambiguous term. I date. I go on dates. I just don't sequentially date one individual.

I'm unclear on when or how to bring up my marital status. I don't generally mention it on the first date. I have mentioned it on the first date in response to questions like "So, have you ever been married?". Men usually seem shocked and distressed whether I simply state that I am a widow, or explain that I was married but my husband died. Then they usually start asking how he died, if it was expected, etc -- if I found out a man was divorced, I wouldn't start asking if it was expected, the details of the settlement, etc. on the first or second date. I usually try to steer the conversation back to getting to know each other a little better.

Friends have reassured me that men wouldn't particularly care that I'm widowed as far as making a decision to date me. I've noticed that some personals sites ask if you are interested in meeting people who are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. Many men seem to check off everything but widowed.

I think I've got a fairly positive attitude overall, and sometimes acquaintances comment on how happy I look, or that I'm always in a good mood. I'm reasonably outgoing, and don't feel that I need more men approaching me in public than currently do. I have tried to approach men once in a while, but find that their not approaching is usually a sign that they are just not that into me. I've been dipping my toe into online dating on okcupid, mainly because I felt discouraged by yahoo personals showing me profiles of men who don't want to date widows when I've checked off the box that says that's what my status is.

I've tried asking friends to introduce me to people, but I don't think this is common in my social circles, as I only met one man that way. I do a lot of activities I enjoy, and I do meet men this way, so I don't need to be told to join a club or take a class.

I make the effort to go on dates, but more often than not I don't find it to be a very enjoyable experience overall. Usually, I either don't enjoy the date itself, or I enjoy the date and wonder why I never hear from the guy again. I do pay attention to having a good balance of conversation, and even if I'm not having a great time I figure I can use the practice and might learn something.

Are men interested in attractive women in their mid thirties who happen to be widows? What and when is the best way to reveal this information?

Bonus question: Do most people enjoy going on first dates? I see that some people doing online dating want to date for "fun", and I'm not sure if that means "sex is fun" or "first dates are fun". BTW, I have no trouble at all meeting men for sex, this question is specifically about dating, as in meeting someone in a public place which would involve some sort of refreshment, conversation, and possibly some sort of activity done with clothes on.

Yes, I know there are online dating sites for widows/widowers, and they have very small memberships. Yes, I know there are support groups for "young" widows/widowers, and from my perspective these are groups of "older" widows/widowers. I've been to some, and have not found much in common with people there. Yes, I know there are online groups for widows, etc. And yes, I've already done counseling.

How to write opening emails on online dating sites.

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 11:28:56 -0800

How to send that first email in the world of online dating. So I'm on a few online dating sites. I'm a paying match.com user, and I've got a profile up on okcupid as well. I haven't been living in the area I'm living in for long, so I don't know many people.

I'm looking for tips on how to approach that first email to a woman. I'm a man, fyi. I am not really a serial dater; I'm interested in something that could lead to a relationship. I'm old enough that I am interested in settling down with the right person.

But I never know how to open. I've read some other AskMe threads about online dating, but I'd love to hear about techniques that have been effective for you. Or, if you're female, what helps a message to you stand out from the crowd?

Know any good South American dating sites?

Ashley801 — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 15:08:40 -0800

Do you know of any good dating sites which mainly serve South America? I'm looking for either the South American equivalent of North America's Match or Europe's Meetic (huge, well-run mainstream site),

OR the South American equivalent of Consumating or Impersonals (relatively small, but high quality and attracting a quirky and quality pool of members).

I am NOT looking for sites which chiefly serve other continents but allow members located in South America.

Dating sites: Why do some work and others dont?

browolf — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 13:46:01 -0800

Dating sites: Some seem to work better than others. By work I mean getting interest/dates out of them. There's a lot of variance in design and functionality amongst these sites. I'm inclined to believe in the cases where the site totally didnt work there's something fundamentally flawed about them. A few years ago I spent a lot of time on dating sites, which was ultimately a successful experience. However it always fascinated me how some sites worked really well and others totally not. Until I found metafilter I didnt particularly have anyone to discuss this with. I ponder it from time to time. No Im not active on any dating sites nor wishing I was.

I was on most/all of the free sites around and a couple of paid ones and most of the social networking ones.Generally I kept my profile the same and stuck to the same strategy. In this I was a constant. Therefore either my strategy was unsuitable for the site or the site was flawed in its design.

I'm interested to hear your opinions about sites that didnt seem to work for you, particularly why you think it didnt work. By work I mean getting interest/having dates. Theres a million reasons why dating doesnt work and I want to keep that separate.

The Lowdown: Online Dating Etiquette

cookie googleman — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 17:50:04 -0800

I'm a female about to venture into the world of online dating. Are there any norms/rules/trends that I should know about? Not that I would blindly follow rules— I would just like to be aware of them.

Your Experiences with Online Dating Services?

WCityMike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 14:26:19 -0800

Have you used Chemistry.Com? eHarmony? Match? Etc.? I recently signed up for six months on Chemistry -- so I will be giving it that much time.

But I'm curious as to whether Mefites liked their time on it (or Match or eHarmony or fill in the blank). Basically, I'm curious to see if a consensus is going to form as to whether any particular service is particularly good or particularly bad, for the purposes of either sticking with them or moving on once my subscription runs out.

I do understand offline dating exists [obviously ;-)], but my question here is solely for people's experiences with online dating services.

Could you also in your response (if not obvious from your handle) advise me of your age group and gender, since that criteria makes a difference with such services? Thanks.

P.S. Any chance of MeFiMatch, Matt?

We have so much in common. Knowing my luck, he's a MeFite too.

aristan — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 17:43:39 -0800

I met a really great guy online, talked for hours (30+) across 4 days. We've got a lot in common, but the first in person meeting/date (dinner & a movie) went horribly when I forgot how to interact with human beings. After a couple of days of not talking we're back up to where we were: several hours of conversation a night. I'd like to ask him out again. Any suggestions on what to do or where to go? Any tips on how to actually remember to talk on a date? He's made comments that I think imply he's willing to give it another go, but it's up to me. I'd like less stress, but he's mentioned a play he'd like to see. I'm not sure if some of the hints he's dropped are actually hints. I've been told that I wouldn't know flirting if it dropped it's pants in front of me.

It appears from our interaction so far, that I'm going to be the one who does the asking out, which isn't a role I'm all the comfortable with.

I'm looking for something fun that'll let us get to know one another. I really like the guy and would love to have him as a friend if nothing else.

And just in case he is reading this...

You wanna go out Friday night?

shit or get off the pot.

violetk — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 21:29:53 -0800

OnlineDatingFilter: what's up with the non-meet-up? yes, yet another chronicle in the life of the single girl…yea!

so a couple of weeks ago i was contacted by a guy much younger than i from a dating site. i was wary at first as i didn't think i'd have much in common with him but we get to chatting on IM and we've actually seemed to have really hit it off. the exchanges vary between being extremely flirtatious to just normal but very interesting and fun conversation to almost mundane work jabber. i'm pleasantly surprised because he seems quite mature and together for someone in his early 20s. he loves the looks of me, and—tho not my usual physical type, i have to admit i like the looks of him (or maybe i am more intriqued by the fact that he is extremely attractive and he works in a completely computer-geeky field because…i like the cute dorks.).

so after a week of chatting nearly every day, we talk about meeting up but when i'd ask if he wanted to call me (because i am not a huge fan of becoming overly familiar with someone over the internets when…you live in the same town and could just meet in person because…you need to figure out if things translate in the real world) or when we were going out, he would deflect the question or give a vague answer. and then i didn't hear from him for almost a week even though he was clearly logged on at times. which started to raise some flags with me…so i emailed him about it; it's clearly stated but not rudely put which—as he had always insisted that he loved the fact that i was not afraid to say what was on my mind, i figured that would be an opportunity to get things off my chest about guys online who say they want to meet up and then disappear. normally i would let it drop because i think the usual reaction from guys should they be called out would be, "whoa, she's crazy!" so i fully expect never to hear from him again.

but after returning from being out, i see that he has sent me some IMs explaining how busy he'd been at work lately (in fact, he was there that weekend doing whatever computer-geeky thing he had to do) and he wasn't ignoring me and he'll talk to me soon. so i email again reiterating my position and again don't expect to hear from him. but then the other night he gets on IM and we end up having the usual fun conversation and before he goes to bed, he again explains he's been busy with work and with summer, trying to do things out and about and with friends and we'll talk for sure about meeting up the next time. which, okay, i totally understand. everyone's busy, you know? that's what it is to have a life. but too busy to meet up? especially with someone to whom you have already professed a great interest? he hasn't even asked for my number. i'm not sure i buy it. does anyone here buy it? am i right to assume that ppl who seem only to want to talk online are either a) in some sort of relationship so they really can't meet up or b) just like fucking around online with no intention of ever meeting? (i mean, whatever, ppl are entitled, it's just not my thing; i prefer real world interaction over virtual whenever possible.)

(and yes, i fully intend to give him an ultimatum about meeting up but just wanted to know what is the hive opinion and/or ppl's similar experiences with the non-meetups…because if you can't already tell by my previous questions, interpersonal interactions really fascinate me.)

I need a first chance to make a first impression

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:23 -0800

What should I put in my first email to someone I found on an online dating site? I've read through lots of the Ask MeFi threads on this subject (13 tagged onlinedating, 4 marked dating and online and a slew of others), but still haven't really found the guidance I'm looking for, so here we are.

I have an account on an online dating service. I log in, view lots of profiles, read about many women who seem very interesting to me, and then.... I do nothing.

I find the first email to be just as awkward as going up to a stranger in a bar, which I never do, except I know a lot more about her than if we were in a bar, and she will know more about me. In fact, it's even more awkward, because there's a lot more information in play, which means the rejection might actually be based on something. (Although, I don't always know useful information, since lots of women all share an interest in going out or staying in, dressing up or dressing down, and family and friends! But that's a separate discussion).

This is not a minor hurdle for me, for some reason. I've been a member of the site for a few years, and have only emailed or IM'd complete strangers a handful of times.

I'm not normally shy or particularly introverted. I do well in groups, and fine with individuals once I've met them. It's the meeting and making a first impression that I'm stuck on.

For those of you who have tried online dating (match, yahoo, nerve, okcupid, jdate, whateveryourkinkis.com, etc.), what makes a good first email? I'm a guy looking to meet a lovely lady, but I'm happy to hear from anyone with thoughts on the issue.

How long should it be? Should I mention if I think she's cute? Generally, I've had good luck with sincere compliments in person, but another thread said that was a generic thing to put in an email. Will that sound like every email she gets? Should I comment on specific things in her profile? What do I say about me? She can click on my profile for the basics, so I don't want to repeat it all, but it seems presumptuous to assume she's going to read the profile, right? Should I specifically ask her to read my profile? Do I say i hope she'll write back, or that I'd like to meet her, or that I'd like to chat?

And so on... I get all wound up on what to say and end up never saying anything. Help!

How many emails does it take...

damnjezebel — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:55:12 -0800

I'm looking for an article I read online a few years ago. It mentioned how many emails, instant messages and phone calls it takes to equal one in-the-flesh date, such as "it takes one email conversation or 1 hour of instant messaging to equal one date". Help me find it!!!

Online dating mysteries explained (hopefully)

kenoshakid — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 11:42:00 -0800

This question is for women who have used online dating : What are your most common reasons for breaking off an email exchange with a man who you met through online dating? Also, once you have given the man your phone number, and he calls you, what are your most common reasons for not returning the phone call? My question about breaking off email exchanges pertains to the following situations :

1) Where you sent the initial email, but eventually stopped returning his emails.
2) Where the man sent the initial email, but you responded at least once.

My question about not returning phone calls pertains to the following situation - you've emailed back and forth a few times (or IMed with each other), and you've given him your phone number. He calls you, but you do not call him back.

Both of these situations are pretty confounding, because, as the man, you never get any explanation of what you did wrong, and don't know what to do in the future to avoid the same fate.

However, the unreturned phone call is probably the most confounding situation of all. If she likes me enough to give me her number, why wouldn't she call me back when I call her? Are my voicemail messages really that bad? Or are women just fickle like that? Should I even bother trying to contact her again, or should I just give up?

How to overcome online dating questionaire writers' block?

kenoshakid — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 19:18:12 -0800

I have to fill out one of those lovely online dating questionaires, and am having trouble coming up with witty, charming things to say about myself. How to overcome this particular form of writers' block? You know the questionaires I'm talking about. The ones with the horribly general questions, like "Describe yourself," "Describe your ideal match," and "What do you like to do for fun?"

What's the best online dating site?

otherwordlyglow — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 11:21:44 -0800

What's the best online dating site? I've tried a bunch of online dating sites, with somewhat middling results but really want to do an all-out campaign and need some good ideas for sites to try. I'm a 38-year old female in San Francisco looking for a long term relationship.

I've tried:

Match.com - I'm sorry but the profiles here just don't speak to me. I'm currently on the site but mostly I get much, much older divorced sad guys looking for a housekeeper or a mom for their kids. I'm told my profile is good and I do make an effort to contact people I'm interested in, but so far, I'm getting nowhere.

Nerve - It used to be much more successful for me and I've met and dated a couple guys from here. They changed the way the site works in the last few years since I used it with any regularity though and now it just doesn't seem to turn up much for me. But I should try it again. I'm not currently using it though the profiles are much more interesting to me. I like a little bit of edge. Or maybe a lot.

Craigslist - I post occasionally there and have also had some success. I adore CL and use it for all sort of things but for personal ads, you do have to do quite a bit of filtering. I don't mind doing that though and so far, I think CL has been the best match for my needs even though I'm happy to pay for a commerical service too.

Lavalife: Does anyone use this for more than casual hook-ups? I was on it about a year ago and that seemed to be the only active area. I actually met a guy that I'm still friends with through this site but wonder if LTRs are really happening here.

eHarmony: I went through the massive questionaire and tried the site for a few days but found the people I was being matched with to be comepletely unlike me. Sort of like Match.com with a lot of boring people (I know that's mean of me and I'm probably not giving them a decent chance but that was really my impression)

So, yes, I know I'm very picky: I want to meet someone with a fairly cultured and urban lifestyle. Creativity and intelligence are important. Looks, not so much (really!).

So what else is out there?

You met online. You got married. Some friends know. Other people you lied to but are now close to them too...How to handle?

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Jul 2006 15:37:01 -0800

What do you do if you met online, got married, and completely told your close friends how it happened BUT didn't tell other people? In fact, you lied, declaring you were set up by friends. You thought the other people would be passing acquantainces but they became much closer friends..... Not only does it make mixing of the friends who are + are not in "the know" difficult. It just really sucks if you have to tell people who thought you were sincere and nice with whome you thought you could have good friendships with that you lied right at the beginning of meeting them and have to risk ruining the new relationship. The people who became friends are new work and universitymates that, well, later have become good friends. And, I'm really sure that if the couple met today online instead of 7-8 years ago, they probably would be much more at ease talking about it for what that's worth. Thanks for any input.

Show me the "real" you.

peewee — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 19:42:55 -0800

What are your favorite subtle questions to ask, while in the early stages of dating, that'll help reveal some insight into the real personality of your potential S.O.? Ok, so you've met for the initial cup of coffee and that went well. Maybe you've been out a time or two since then. The conversations are past the point of "Oh, you like that too? Yes, I do. Wow, that's cool" and now you'd like to dig a little deeper, while at the same time not making them feel like they're under a microscope or being interviewed. You want to start finding out about the little, yet oh-so-important nuances of who they really are. Tell me, clever ones of Ask Metafilter, what kinds of questions do you ask?

Why is he still going to Match.com?

terra — Fri, 19 May 2006 04:30:30 -0800

If a guy is not a player why would he continue to frequent a dating site a month into what seems to be a pretty good relationship for both of us? First off let me say I AM going to have a talk with said gentleman once I get some feedback from everyone here, but right now I'm confused and afraid of getting hurt and need input on the situation. I've been single for many years but am NOT a serial dater - 90% of those years have been spent as a single, working mom, dating very little. So I probably don't have the street smarts I need for this kind of thing. Yikes.

A little over a month ago and six months after the end of a 1.5 year relationship with Mr. Wrong, my only truly *bad* choice in years of dating, I jumped back into the online dating thing. I met this Mr. Wrong on Yahoo!, which for me was bad because there's no real matching involved - anyone can and does e-mail you - and in my area the caliber of man on Yahoo! was pretty bad.

I went to Match.com and soon realized that, while the guys seemed to be better people, anyone can pester me via e-mail even though reading my profile would tell them explicitly what I'm looking for or what I'm about and that we'd be an obvious mismatch. Also, I recognized several faces that were STILL around from when I was on Yahoo! a couple of years ago. Guess the serial daters had just moved up a notch. Was about to cancel my membership and go to eHarmony, when Match offered a subscription to their similar new venture, Chemistry. So I signed up.

Chemistry promotes the kind of LTR I'm looking for. You have to answer a lot of questions and they send you a few matches rather than letting everyone search their database and mail anyone they like. For me, this works. I hoped to find the man I would eventually marry.

So I get a few matches who seem far and away above the guys whose profiles are on other sites, but for one reason or another they're just not quite "it." And then I got the e-mail about Mr. Right. So many of the things about him just clicked with me. We went through all their guided communication stuff and it just kept clicking, as did our in-person meeting. Lest you think it's simply that he's a hottie I must say he's just an average guy in the looks department.

So Mr. Right has been divorced for six years and hasn't had a steady relationship in two years. He is also a single parent. Match offered him the same deal on Chemistry as they did me. I never saw his profile on Match during the short time I was on it, but after he told me that was how he'd come to Chemistry I found it and checked it out. That's when I saw that it said "Active within 24 hours." Well, okay - I've only been seeing him for a couple of weeks...maybe he's still shopping. I, on the other hand, pulled my Match profile after going over to Chemistry, not wanting to be spammed by Mr. Wrongs any longer. And I've since cancelled my Chemistry membership as well, though I paid for a period that will not end for another month and a half.

When I had been with Mr. Wrong for a couple of months I found that he was still corresponding with women on Yahoo!, a fact that upset me to no end, though he dismissed it as just harmless flirting and said he just really got an ego boost out of it. Based on the fact that he was at my house practically all the time I'd say he probably didn't actually meet any of these women. But even if he didn't, what about the woman on the other end he is stringing along? What a jerk thing to do.

My relationship with Mr. Right has become physical. We see one another a lot. When we're not together he calls me and we usually have pretty lengthy phone conversations. So if he was seeing anyone else it'd have to be that he was getting two hours of sleep a night or something ridiculous like that. Because of my bad experience with Mr. Wrong I didn't want to do anything stupid when I should have known better, so last night I went to Match and found Mr. Right's profile again and, as it was a few weeks ago the "Active within 24 hours" was noted. If you are a Match member other members can see who's looked at their profile, so I went in anonymously with a different browser. I don't think my profile is accessible to anyone at all because I deactivated it but I didn't want to take any chances that he'd think I was still trolling around on Match - I'm not.

So, guys in particular, what's the deal? Is it a harmless ego boost? Is he trying to get something going with someone else? Even if it is just flirting it is not acceptable to me if our relationship is going to progress, and I will tell him that. But right now I just need to hear some outside opinions on the situation. I am in my early (gasp!) 40's and he is in his late 40's.

Help me not frack up the best thing that's happened to me, ever.

fuzzbean — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 08:18:55 -0800

RelationshipFilter: How much does chemistry matter over the long haul? Or, please don't tell me this is my last AskMe relationship question. (Very long, very self-absorbed more inside) I met the most wonderful person in the world in June via online personals. In August, I flew out to meet him in Maui. It was perfect. I felt absolutely connected to him on a physical and emotional level; I was wildly sexually attracted to him; we talked about the future and I could completely see myself having a life with him, sharing children and making a home and being utterly completely happy--joyous--with it. We had sex the first night I was there and it was the best I've had; it only got better over the two weeks (until I got a UTI, but that's another story).

Then I flew back to Boston, he flew to Los Angeles, and then he got hit by a car. Had surgery, recovered sufficiently to get his doctor's blessing (or, at least, his "Meh, sure.") to fly out here, and did so in early December.

So why aren't we happy?

Neither of us are. We've been having long discussions about chemistry and lack thereof; we don't "smell good" to each other (not that we don't bathe. Just that he describes some relationships he's had where the woman just smelled absolutely comforting and desirable. I, apparently, don't smell like anything to him, and neither does he to me.) The physical attraction has fizzled and sputtered out.

Rationally, intellectually, this should be an amazing relationship. Our long-term goals and philosophies match phenomenally well, we want the same things out of life and have the same outlook and can both see it being a very *good* relationship. We like each other's company; we're happy together; we mesh well in conversation and habits and quirks and preferences. He's everything I want in a man; I'm everything he wants in a woman. But...but...

It's good. Not great, just good. I look at the future we had planned in New Zealand, with a super kitchen for me to cook and bake wonderful things, and a garden, and a passel of kids running around blowing things up, and him working on his AI research (which has been going fantastic since he moved in with me), me writing and homeschooling and working on my projects, and I see it working. I just don't *feel* it.

He's in pretty much the same boat. He's been in a lot more relationships than I have, and this is the one that rationally he can see working the best in the long run. But the chemistry just isn't there.

Complicating everything is the number of variables:

I'm working 9 to 6, doing most of the shopping and cooking (please, no diatribes about people carrying their weight; I volunteered and I love cooking--it's the one time a day when I'm content and focused), with little free time to myself to work on my writing (which isn't going anywhere anyway). This is opposed to me being on vacation in Maui, with nothing to worry about beyond which beach to go to today.
I'm working 9 to 6, in a periodically frustrating/boring/stressful/annoying job with little emotional reward besides the ability to pay rent and to have cash to spare. I don't want to change jobs at the moment, because we're still discussing the possibility of me moving to NZ with him in June after my lease is up on my apartment, and it just doesn't seem worth it to go through the hassle of a job search to change positions for four months. If I were sure I was going to stay in Boston, I'd probably be looking--I have at least two friends/ex-coworkers with other companies who'd hire me in an instant at an equivalent or higher salary.
He's still in pretty substantial pain from the accident and surgery; has an unhealed microfracture on the left posterior facet of c5 that his doctor in Boston has recommended a posterior fusion to fix. There's still a compression on the root of c6 that puts him in shoulder and arm pain. He doesn't want to have another surgery (and, from my understanding, the surgery and recovery from a posterior fusion are much, much nastier than from an anterior. The surgery would be to relieve symptoms only, in any case; he's no longer in danger of paralysis from the unstable fracture). This leaves me reluctant to touch/wrestle/play with him the way I normally would, and certainly plays into the issues with our sex life.
I have pretty severe issues with doctors that are fucking with my head with him. I don't have a better way to describe it than he's been contaminated; I keep having un-memories and mini-panic-attacks about everything that's happened. Not helping is that I feel enormously guilty about not going to visit when he was sick/recovering.
We both have standing issues with depression at a mild to moderate level--mine has been worse than his ever has, and I think we both are moderately depressed at this point. I'm not on meds anymore, and I don't want to be on them again. I am trying to exercise more regularly, which does substantially improve my mental state--but that involves getting up at 6.20a to do yoga before work, which means I'm exhausted by 10p, which means I see him for about four hours total a day--some of which includes cooking and eating and cleaning-up time. Which means there's no little chance to talk, or have sex, or cuddle, or whatever, before I'm dead sleepy and have to turn in.
Our schedules are pretty off-set. He's doing independent research and his body clock is set so he gets up around 10 and goes to sleep around 2. So I'm coming home at 6 in the middle of his "workday", and I always feel like I'm interrupting--I hate it when people dump stuff on me at 2p at work, and my schedule is forcing me into the equivalent with him.
I have and have had for the last several years an extremely depressed libido. I've been on a variety of pills over that time (currently on Seasonale) and suspect that they haven't been helping. I'm considering changing to a IUD to see if it improve the situation. But I'm very neurotic about getting pregnant, and so a bc method that's not almost 100% effective just isn't going to cut it psychologically with me.
We're living in Boston in the dead of this (admittedly strange) winter. No sun, hard to get outdoor exercise.

The thing is--if I had never *felt* this working the way I did in Maui, I'd just chalk it up to a bad go and call it off. But I did. I saw this and I felt this and I wanted this and I saw it being perfect and exactly what I wanted. And now I don't. And I'm heartbroken. I don't know if it can get better, and if it's just all the other factors that are complicating the underlying issue of lack of chemistry--like this could work and we could be happy if I weren't stressed out and exhausted and depressed and he weren't stressed out and in pain and depressed.

We've talked about keeping with the current plan--we move to NZ and have a house and garden and kids and writing and AI research, and we both just have sex with other people. We've talked about calling it off entirely. We just don't know what to do.

So, Metafilter, what are your thoughts? What are your experiences? Have you been in a long-term relationship that worked despite mediocre or nonexistent "chemistry"? Does this fabled chemistry even exist (I've never felt anything like what he's talking about, so I don't know. I'm an intensely cerebral person--as is he--so it just doesn't jibe with what I know about how my relationships work)? Do we settle for a good-not-great relationship that lets us both be productive in other areas of our lives? Do all relationships eventually get to this lack-of-chemistry place and you just keep chugging on? Am I right in thinking--hoping--that the number of negative variables is outweighing the good *right now*, and this could change, and this could work? Or do I resign myself to passing on maybe the best thing that's happened to me, ever, and turn into a cat lady?

If this is the worst that this relationship can get, it's not bad. It's just not good, and it's not great, and the lack of good-or-greatness is not making either of us happy.

Our tagline right now is "I don't want to fuck this up if it could be great, but I don't want to prolong it if it's not going to be."

What the hell do I do? What the hell would you do?

Does online chemistry translate into physical chemistry?

helcat — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 07:53:14 -0800

So you met someone online and experienced the technological equivalent of the "thunderbolt." You found yourself in love, based only on text, knowing it was crazy. Then you met in person. How did it go? I'm asking this because I felt so insanely, bizarrely strongly about a guy I knew only through email. It ended for other reasons before we could meet, but now I'm curious to hear stories of whether online chemistry translates when people meet in the real world. Basically, I'm looking for horror stories but since AskMe isn't here just to make me feel better, let's hear about good experiences too. Just don't rub it in too much.

I'd really like for my blog to be a no-creep zone, thanks.

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Nov 2005 20:44:53 -0800

I know I can't control the internet, but there is someone looking at my website in a creepy fashion, and I don't want them to anymore. Well really, I never did. How should I deal with this? Without going into all the details, here is the story: I met a boy on an online dating site, started talking to him on aim, he managed to find my blog and has since been checking it every day, sometimes up to 5 or 6 times in one day. I know this because of the sitetracker on my blog, which for the most part is pretty superficial and impersonal. When I figured out that he was looking at my site and leaving anonymous comments without ever telling me he had found it in conversation, I swiftly blocked him on aim because I was creeped out. Not too long later he sends me a message noting my absence on aim, which I ignore, hoping the problem will just go away. I also disabled anonymous posting, and now he has created an account to leave comments. We have never met, and I don't think he should be able to find my last name, but I am going to start checking things since I am paranoid.

At first I thought this was rather harmless, but still creepy, but now I am wondering how scared I should be and what I should do. I have ways of getting in contact with him, but I don't know if I should do that and how I should approach it if I do. I don't want him lurking around anymore. So, advice? Am I overreacting to be getting really freaked out by this point?

Replacement for nerve.com?

lalochezia — Sun, 25 Sep 2005 00:40:01 -0800

OnlineDatingFilter: Nerve.com personals was once great. Now it sucks. Any suggestions for replacing a once-great source of intelligent singles with a dating site that actually has a client base that has a nominal number of people worthwhile courting? Nerve.com personals was once a source of people that wrote "self actualised prose" (i.e. had a brain and wern't afraid to show it) and were generally funky and interesting.

match.com, jdate.com, lavalife.com and craigslist all have flaws in their membership, drawing far too heavily from people who don't write interesting things about themselves.

[note this doesn't mean the members of these sites aren't interesting people, but how is one meant to filter the vast number of people out there down to a few that are worth courting? Answer - what they write]

Basically nerve.com used to let you search for free, and spend $1 to send an email. This meant that unless you were rich and stupid, you put some effort into the message for the person you were trying to woo.

Now, they have removed the credit system, replacing it with a subscription system at $25 p/m for unlimited emails.

This does 2 things:
1) Makes people send hundereds of emails to get their $$ worth, increasing the likelihood that your well crafted missive will be ignored

2) They have removed basic features from people who don't use the subscriber model. Most sites let you search based on distance from your geographical area. At the new Fast Cupid (the people who spring street networks have sold their soul to), you have to be a subscriber to make that basic search. They've cripled the site for people who aren't on the monthly subscription service.

Bah! Suggestions?

I've tried writing to the 'help desk', as have hundreds of other dissatisfied customers, but no joy.

Match.com etiquette?

tristeza — Mon, 22 Aug 2005 14:11:16 -0800

Match.com question for the straight guys in tha hizzouse. I've posted a profile on Match.com in the hopes of meeting a man for an LTR.

I've gotten several "winks" from guys who seemed relatively interesting, so I "winked" back to them. Not a single one of them has contacted me again.

Guys, why would you wink at a woman, she winks back so she's presumably interested, too, then never say another word? Why wouldn't you follow up her wink with a quick "howdy" email for her to respond to? Are Seattle guys too wimpy to just drop a line after I've let them know there's a mutual interest? I'd love to know your thoughts if you've done this, I really can't figure it out.

Dating etiquette?

OmieWise — Fri, 22 Jul 2005 09:36:52 -0800

Half-past Thirty Dating Filter: Here I am dating at 34, and it sure is a drag. But online dating sites make it strangely easy also. I'm curious about how people think about dating etiquette. How do you balance first impressions with actually getting to know a person? What goes into the decision to become exclusive with one person? How many dates is typical before you have sex (or are substantially physically intimate), and what other factors are at play? Once you have sex what are your new assumptions about the person you're dating (that might be unspoken even if you've had a sensible conversation before sex)? In general, what is your etiquette of dating?

Although I have quite a bit of experience in relationships, I have less experience of actually dating. I have my own ideas about these things, and I've discussed this with friends, I'm just interested in other's experiences and thoughts. Particularly those of women, since I'm a man.

Oh, and I'm curious specifically about dating in order to develop a long-term relationship, not in being a player.

[If anyone offers me a ring in this thread, I promise to flag it 'best answer.']