Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with onlinedating and email

Do phone calls come before or after the first date

dyslexictraveler — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 19:52:33 -0800

Do you talk on the phone before you go on first dates with people you meet online? So, I'm brand new in the online dating world. After putting up a profile on one of the major dating sites a few days ago I've managed to get myself into some rather long winded email conversations with several different people that I'm (potentially) interested in meeting.

So my question is, what's the next step? Do I ask them out on a date now, or is it normal to have a phone call (or multiple phone calls) first? What I'm really trying to understand is just what a typical chronology of communications looks like from the first contact all the way through meeting in person after meeting someone online.

You see, my inclination is that talking on the phone would be kind of awkward at this stage. But from reading through the previous online dating threads I see lots of references to pre-first-date phone calls, but no one addressing this topic specifically. So I'm not sure what the etiquette is here.

Help me write excellent online dating emails.

Sloop John B — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 10:11:18 -0800

I'm not a bad writer, but I'm really, really bad at writing online dating emails. Please give me some tips on how to write an excellent online dating email. I keep finding myself in the situation where a girl likes my profile and sends me an email, but after I respond, I never hear back. Obviously, I know how to write a compelling profile, otherwise she wouldn't be writing to me in the first place. However, I always manage to screw up the email.

I'm not a bad writer. In fact, I've been complimented on my writing by many people. However, there's something about the online dating email that just eludes me. Perhaps my tone is too formal, or maybe my emails are too long. Who knows. In any case, the result is often the same - a big, fat, unresponded email.

And so I turn to you, hive mind.

Girls - what do you look for in an online dating email? What makes you think "this guy is someone I would like to meet?" What are some specific turn-offs? How many questions should I ask in an email? How long should an email be? How can I avoid looking desperate? I promise you that I'm not actually desperate.

Guys - what works? What doesn't work? (and by "work," I mean "get a positive response that continues the conversation.")

I don't write crude, risque, or profane things in my emails. I write complete sentences and use correct spelling. I capitalize properly, and I don't use chatspeak. So no need to remind me of any of these things.

Thanks for the help.

I need a first chance to make a first impression

Anonymous — Tue, 01 May 2007 06:47:23 -0800

What should I put in my first email to someone I found on an online dating site? I've read through lots of the Ask MeFi threads on this subject (13 tagged onlinedating, 4 marked dating and online and a slew of others), but still haven't really found the guidance I'm looking for, so here we are.

I have an account on an online dating service. I log in, view lots of profiles, read about many women who seem very interesting to me, and then.... I do nothing.

I find the first email to be just as awkward as going up to a stranger in a bar, which I never do, except I know a lot more about her than if we were in a bar, and she will know more about me. In fact, it's even more awkward, because there's a lot more information in play, which means the rejection might actually be based on something. (Although, I don't always know useful information, since lots of women all share an interest in going out or staying in, dressing up or dressing down, and family and friends! But that's a separate discussion).

This is not a minor hurdle for me, for some reason. I've been a member of the site for a few years, and have only emailed or IM'd complete strangers a handful of times.

I'm not normally shy or particularly introverted. I do well in groups, and fine with individuals once I've met them. It's the meeting and making a first impression that I'm stuck on.

For those of you who have tried online dating (match, yahoo, nerve, okcupid, jdate, whateveryourkinkis.com, etc.), what makes a good first email? I'm a guy looking to meet a lovely lady, but I'm happy to hear from anyone with thoughts on the issue.

How long should it be? Should I mention if I think she's cute? Generally, I've had good luck with sincere compliments in person, but another thread said that was a generic thing to put in an email. Will that sound like every email she gets? Should I comment on specific things in her profile? What do I say about me? She can click on my profile for the basics, so I don't want to repeat it all, but it seems presumptuous to assume she's going to read the profile, right? Should I specifically ask her to read my profile? Do I say i hope she'll write back, or that I'd like to meet her, or that I'd like to chat?

And so on... I get all wound up on what to say and end up never saying anything. Help!

How many emails does it take...

damnjezebel — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 21:55:12 -0800

I'm looking for an article I read online a few years ago. It mentioned how many emails, instant messages and phone calls it takes to equal one in-the-flesh date, such as "it takes one email conversation or 1 hour of instant messaging to equal one date". Help me find it!!!

Online dating mysteries explained (hopefully)

kenoshakid — Wed, 13 Dec 2006 11:42:00 -0800

This question is for women who have used online dating : What are your most common reasons for breaking off an email exchange with a man who you met through online dating? Also, once you have given the man your phone number, and he calls you, what are your most common reasons for not returning the phone call? My question about breaking off email exchanges pertains to the following situations :

1) Where you sent the initial email, but eventually stopped returning his emails.
2) Where the man sent the initial email, but you responded at least once.

My question about not returning phone calls pertains to the following situation - you've emailed back and forth a few times (or IMed with each other), and you've given him your phone number. He calls you, but you do not call him back.

Both of these situations are pretty confounding, because, as the man, you never get any explanation of what you did wrong, and don't know what to do in the future to avoid the same fate.

However, the unreturned phone call is probably the most confounding situation of all. If she likes me enough to give me her number, why wouldn't she call me back when I call her? Are my voicemail messages really that bad? Or are women just fickle like that? Should I even bother trying to contact her again, or should I just give up?

Online dating diplomacy.

scarabic — Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:04:41 -0800

Online dating diplomacy. If you decide after an email or two that you are not interested in the other person, either because the conversation is uninspiring or the pictures they send are unappealing, should you actually write to tell them "sorry, but I'm not interested?" Or is that worse than falling silent and letting the correspondence die? Some people persist if you don't respond, and ask "what's the deal? you didn't like my pic?" I honestly don't know what's the best thing to say, if anything. Honesty is not the same as full disclosure, and I just feel that random people really don't need to hear that I find them undesireable / uninteresting. I figure if I just stop writing, most people will simply write me off and move on. What do you think?