Younger Guy, Older Woman: Tell Her Kids?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 17:28:51 -0800

Soap Opera Situation Filter: I'm suddenly seeing a much younger guy - who happens to be the son of a very close friend and, as if that is not enough, is also a good friend of my children AND is currently living on my couch. We've been keeping it secret. Should we tell my kids and if so, a) when and b) how? And if we don't tell them but they find out somehow, is there any kind of preventive damage control we can do now? There's a 23 year age difference (he'll turn 21 in 2 months.) I was close to his mother and knew him well as a child, but then I moved away when he was about 12. His mother & I have always stayed in touch and she ended up moving near me about 6 months ago, which brought him back into my life, suddenly a devastatingly attractive adult. He's gone through some rough times - last year, his father died and he went through some bad drug problems. He's clean now and serious about staying that way. He's living with us since his family lives way out in the boonies and transportation, etc. is much easier from my house. He moved in about a month ago. He's about halfway in age between my two children, who are 15 (son) and 24 (daughter,) close to both of them and in fact he, my daughter and her boyfriend are currently planning to rent a house together.

Which would all be well and good, except that this past weekend we spent a lot of time together alone and, probably inevitably, ended up in bed. It turns out that the wild attraction I've been feeling for him (that I've been really, really, hopelessly trying to suppress) is mutual. We get along brilliantly - like the same music, the same books, same movies and so on. We have a great time together. We laugh at the same dumbass jokes. And physically, oh. my. god.

He says we should keep this secret: that the fallout will be terrible and I know he's right. This may not go anywhere, probably won't: I know that too. I just am terrified that one of the kids will walk in on us at a bad moment (we're being very careful but hiding stuff like this is hard, and it's a small house.) I'm afraid my children, my son in particular, would be horrified and betrayed and never speak to me again or something. I honestly don't know how they'd react. I've been divorced for many years, so that isn't an issue, but I haven't dated anyone for a long time, either, and they're used to me being alone. On the other hand I think his mother & stepfather would be pretty happy about it: that's not a conversation that's worrying me at all.

I'm trying to live in the moment right now, and I do honestly feel that it's noone's business but ours, but I'm aware that we have a ticking time bomb in the living room here. So. Should we keep on trying to keep this secret, at least for a while and then, if it fizzles or becomes unbearable, noone ever need know? And what is a while, really? Two weeks? Three weeks? Three months? Should we tell them, and if so, how exactly does one phrase something this, um, unusual? And, bonus question, if we do get caught, what kind of damage control will be possible?

Yeah, I know this is kind of skeevy. We've talked about it and he surely doesn't feel any kind of quasi incestuous molestation is going on here. He's been living on his own since he was 17. He's very mature, certainly not a virgin and, considering that by the time I was his age I had a toddler and the beginnings of divorce proceedings, I don't confuse 20 year olds with infants. I'm as taken aback by the whole thing as anyone else, but on the other hand I'm having a great time, so "You should both be dipped in bleach; dump each other immediately and do penance" responses are not really what I'm looking for here.

Older Woman? Too old or just right?

eleongonzales — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 14:17:14 -0800

Older Woman. I'm 21 and she is 25. We went to high school together and I was a freshman when she graduated. Is the difference in age still as big of a factor? Ok, feeling like a waste of time question here- so sorry it's not straightforward-advice-ready.

We were moderately good friends in HS, well more of acquaintances, but we spoke regularly. It was a very small catholic high school (I graduated with ~38 kids) and so the opportunity for interaction with upperclassmen was high. I switched from public school and knew no one so I became friends with older guys on the football team because I was a starter and by association made friends with many older upperclassmen. Anyway fast forward 4 years and a few off and on interactions and you've caught up.

I'm still in college and so is she- she went for a year then went to a community college for a few years and now is back in school at another university (not mine)- and I am in a 5 year program. She has a year left and I have a year and a half left. Part of my program involves working for a large corporation in our hometown and she babysits in the downtown area so we run into each other frequently. I never had the nerve to ask her to lunch properly because I thought she viewed me as a young pseudo-friend that she knew from high school, so we'd always just chat in passing.

We are both phenomenally sarcastic and it's a riot to have a conversation with her.

This past thanksgiving break I was in town and at a local bar with some friends (so happens to be owned by a mutual friend and the father of the children she babysits for, irrelevant mostly) and I was bombarded by about 50 people from around my graduating year that i ran around with during hs. So I was a bit tired of having the same convo over and over again so I dropped down to another area of the bar which just so happened to be where she was hanging out for the same reason. So we chat it up, as much as you really can at a loud bar, and have some laughs. I casually mention grabbing lunch when she comes back into town or something, she's all for it. Cue drunk friend/awkardness introducing me to her older friend she was there with and end of that interaction.

So a couple weeks go by and I am checking something on facebook, yes facebook, and yes i know it's lame- but everyone has it.... yea whatev. Anyway- her name pops up on one of my friend's walls so I check it out and add her. Thought it kinda odd that she had it, but that's not really fair for me to say. So i leave a comment and then I check back later and see her screen name so I add that, and sure enough she's on. I im her and she knew who i was with out me saying... so that means she had my screen name from high school which i thought unlikely or she added it, either way i can't see that being a bad thing. (Wow reading over this if feel like a 7th grader talking about screen names and facebook...)

So we talk on aim, and we talk a lot. She lets me know when she's heading into town and I leave her my phone number to call me when she wants to go, because I'm available pretty much whenever. So she does, and we go- we've gone 3 or 4 times now and all of them have left me late returning to my job- not a big deal but odd because the conversation was that good. I love chatting, but I rarely feel like I'm connecting with people because I'm in a different mindset than most people my age and most people regard me as more mature (and always have...)

So we've talked about dating histories somewhat in passing, i'd met her last one when I was working before and know the details of how that didn't work out. She knows some of mine. I've been single for 2 years now with the exception of a few little flings here and there, but have felt open to the idea of dating again for awhile now- just been way too busy to meet people.

Anyway- My question basically boils down to A) Would she feel like she was being judged for dating down? B) Would that ever change? C) How do I approach crossing the friend barrier?

As info, she doesn't drink or do anything like that- we've talked about the reasons and I admire her for it, I on the other hand could probably be considered a functioning alcoholic (aka college student) and do enjoy drinking in moderation, but frequently. I'm not the sloppy drunk, and I really don't change at all when I drink- I just get a little more lively and I've never had any problems with doing stupid things or being irresponsible, in fact i'm always the responsible one... so I don't think that would be a problem. We're separated at school by ~2 1/2 hours and our mothers worked together back in the day.

Oh and I have no idea if she would read this- if so I'm certainly never going to stop hearing about it... regardless of outcome. So if you've got experience with cougars as we call them (older women) please share.

Now that I've said the read disclaimer- I'll also add she is not my type per say... not that I truly have a type because I think it's an unnecessary filter... but she is a moderate redhead with freckles and looks similar to the chick on love actually that is a porn star or whatever acting that's for and i typically go for the smaller tan skin dark hair thing.

yea that was long, sorry.

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Younger Guy, Older Woman: Tell Her Kids?

Older Woman? Too old or just right?