Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with okcupid

Dating and OKCupid as a childfree loner

moonlit walk on the sun — Sun, 19 May 2013 16:37:42 -0800

I'm childfree, meaning I don't have kids and don't want them. I'm also on the far end of the loner scale. I have some questions about finding a partner and using OKCupid to do it. I'm a straight man in my early 30s. For most of my life I've had no more than a few friends. I'm pleasant enough socially, for example most people at my job like me. Strangers don't make me anxious. I've had one long-term romantic relationship in my adult life. We were together for years and it ended years ago. I've had very little physical contact with women (or anyone) since we broke up.

Last year I saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is a sort of low-grade, chronic depression. I take medication now and it has helped so much. I like myself. I have plenty of solitary things I like to do. I'm not looking for a bunch of friends. I do very badly though want one-person intimacy. I am so tired of living without an intimate partner and not being physically close to anyone.

I have some requirements: no kids now or in the future, no religion, no drinking/smoking/drugs, broadly similar worldview and age range. I'm skeptical of requirements lists but these are all really important. I wish they were more common. I also think the woman will need to be fairly introverted herself, otherwise I don't think she would understand or trust a man in his 30s with no social calendar. I've seen this difference put a real strain on a relationship. Does that all sound reasonable?

I have very few pictures of myself and they are all old or otherwise unsuitable for a profile. I don't know what to do about this. A profile with only self-shots seems sad. I've considered hiring someone to take some pictures but having only photos from what is obviously a photo shoot seems sad too. No photo doesn't work either. Any ideas?

I live in a liberal American city near millions of people. There are less than 10 women on OKCupid nearby who pass my filters and who otherwise seem vaguely suitable. This is a really low number. Let's say none of them work out. What is plan B? OKCupid search worldwide? Meetups? I think the odds of finding even one possible qualifying partner in a meetup group of 20-30 semi-random people is incredibly low. I'd have to churn through a ton of these and turn each one into a speed-dating event. That sounds awful. I don't know what else to do though.

Any other thoughts? Thanks.

OKCupid reality check for a new dater

Ms.Stocking — Wed, 08 May 2013 10:18:11 -0800

I’m a late-30’s woman trying OKCupid for the first time. Can you give me general advice, some tips on keeping my expectations realistic, and suggestions to avoid getting too much of my self-esteem tied up in whether or not Random Dude responds to me? I ended a 4 ½ year relationship in January, and have since moved into my own place, continued therapy, reconnected with friends, and gotten more active. I’m feeling pretty good overall—less anxious and stressed—and I think I’ve worked through the most significant grief over the end of that relationship. I’m interested in starting to date, and looking for a new friend and companion. I don’t expect that the very next guy I meet/date will be (or needs to be) the perfect partner for me, but a partner is what I’m ultimately looking for—I just acknowledge that finding a partner will probably be a journey, and there will probably be some shorter-term relationships that don’t work out on the way. That’s okay.

I haven’t dated, really, as an adult. I was with my ex-husband from 21-33, and started dating my now-former boyfriend about 6 months after my ex-spouse and I split up. Most of my friends are partnered, and I don’t meet lots of new people through work. I’m a little shy, too, so I’m not super-likely to approach people in the grocery store or something (though, to be fair, one of my very few adult dates was with a very nice guy who approached me on the train, so I do try to make a point of smiling at people who I find attractive).

I don’t want to let dating and dating-related anxiety take a disproportionate level of my attention and focus, but I do want a relationship and a partner, so I want to open the door for that to happen. OKC seems like a decent way to do that.

I set up an OKC profile a few weeks ago. I want on a couple of first dates with nice-enough guys as a result, and it was fun and okay, but I wasn’t excited about continuing to date either guy. I’ve gotten a number of messages as well, but most of those are the “Hey you’re pretty I would like to go out with you”-type things, which I ignore. I’ve found profiles that interest me, and have sent about half-a-dozen messages to those guys… and have gotten no responses. I know this isn’t totally out-of-the-normal-range for OKC, but… I wonder if I’m not presenting myself well? or doing/not doing something that causes me to read as unappealing to the men I would be interested in meeting? I’m having some trouble not feeling a little stung about the lack of responses—I’m nice, I’m smart, I’m not unattractive! What’s wrong with me? Am I just falling into an unfortunate demographic space as a 38-year old woman? I don’t have kids, and I really like kids but am not looking for someone to have children with—but I wonder if my age & childless status is a red flag for some people? Like, they think that I must be vehemently anti-child, or am going to be weird and try to edge out their kid’s mom (neither of which is true)?

If you’re willing to review my OKC profile, shoot me a MeMail and I’ll send you the link. If I need to just relax and be better about shrugging off rejection (of a very low-level and benign sort, but still, rejection), can you give me some tips on how to do that? If I need to be doing something else that I’m not thinking of, can you make suggestions?

What is OkCupid like for men?

thank you silence — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 09:29:34 -0800

I'm interested in the male experience when it comes to this popular dating site. I just joined the site a few days ago. I'm a female, and so far have received plenty of the "typical" messages women tend to get from certain kinds of men--the "hey how r u let's meet" sort of stuff, and other completely impersonal blanket messages I can tell they sent to me and a hundred other women. So men, please tell me what online dating is like for you. Do you get those prepackaged messages as well? Do women often contact you, or do you find yourself having to always initiate? What sorts of things are red flags in a profile?

Should I keep messaging her?

Charlemagne In Sweatpants — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 19:24:34 -0800

I'm on OkCupd, and I've been chatting with someone who seems pretty cool and cute. We made plans to meet on Sunday, but she said she was busy but wanted to meet up later. I had a free ticket to a movie yesterday, so I asked if she wanted to come out. Again, busy, so I said "Hey, I'm free on Thursday and Sunday if you want to meet, but if not it's cool". I got a message back saying "I did want to, just got busy. Not into the attitude though so lets leave it there." The logical thing is just to leave it at that and not pursue her any more, but part of me wants to try and figure out if I can fix my mistake and at least meet up for a coffee to see if there's any chemistry there. Is it possible?

What are some particularly impressive OKCupid answers you've made/seen?

Blasdelb — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 04:24:43 -0800

There is a whole bunch of witty awesomeness decorating OKC profiles like bower bird nests, from neat extended explanations for the questions they ask, to clever attractive ways to display things that would ordinarily be considered shortcomings. What are some good examples of things you've written, or stolen, or wanted to steal, that were particularly neat? I am looking for things that would make great inspiration for a good profile. This question was inspired by a friend's extended explanation of why he answered six for the 'How many continents are there?' question. [Linked with permission, visible to OKC members only]

Please don't post anything even remotely personally identifying unless its identifying you.

OKC's Kiss/Kill/Marry

who squared — Sun, 31 Mar 2013 15:14:35 -0800

Have you (or someone you know) been successful with individuals who are a low match for you on OKC? I consider low to be below '80% Match'. This is assuming you've both answered at least a 100 questions. Success I consider to be at least a few months of going out. I'm trying to get a sense of whether it is reasonable to ignore contact from low-matching individuals or if those scores are just meaningless once you get to know someone in person. Should you give that person a shot or is it a waste of time? I'm not so much concerned with the friend or enemy score.

Not-OK Cupid

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Feb 2013 10:11:15 -0800

I've slept with a lot of guys and only enjoyed it with like 10% of them. Are my standards too high, or too low, or what? So I know a lot of people say that chemistry doesn't really matter in the long run in relationships, the spark always fades with time, you shouldn't choose partners just based on whether you feel attracted to them, etc.

Well. I (mid20s lady) very frequently find myself out on dates with guys who are fine! Interesting! Attractive! Funny! But I don't feel a spark. I don't feel attracted, but I don't feel put off or repulsed at all either. The guys are just, like, fine. And I figure- well, I might grow to feel more for them with a little more time and intimacy. (Generally I meet these guys online although not always- sometimes they ask me out IRL.)

And then, often, I hook up with these attractive funny smart guys who I don't feel much of a spark with... and it sucks. The sex just does nothing for me, even if I come. And then my ambivalence turns immediately to a feeling of NOPE NOPE NOPE and I stop seeing them because I realize that, no, I can't fool myself into liking THIS one, either. I can't tell you how many times this has happened. Too many.

I've felt that chemistry I lack with them before, though not very often. I'd say maybe seven or eight guys have made me feel this way- my mood improves when I'm around them, I look forward to the next time I see them, I have engaging conversations with them, and the idea of sex with them turn me on. And every one of them has been a guy I met in real life- NOT a guy from online. Some of those guys have been available, some not for various reasons. I've managed to sleep with two of them, and date one of those two- and I pursued them both initially. And sex with those two was far and away the best sex of my life, no question, not even close. The only times I've felt truly sexy, and the only times I've genuinely enjoyed giving head. The only times I've felt tingly when being touched, instead of feeling... nothing.

But. I don't know. It didn't work out with those two guys... and plenty of the guys I dropped for having no chemistry would probably have been good partners to me... so I'm of two minds. One part wants to stop online dating altogether because 30+ guys and zero chemistry equals bad idea, and get extremely picky about who I choose to sleep with, only doing it with guys who I feel this genuine attraction towards... even if that means going months or years without a date, because it happens so seldom. Another part wants to stop making such immediate assumptions, that just because I feel eh about a guy initially and don't love the sex right away I could never fall in love with him, and try harder and not run away immediately when that happens.

I don't know what to do. I only know that I'm tired of this and one way or another I want to fall in love again.

Where to go on a first date in Pittsburgh?

UrbanEye — Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:39:07 -0800

27 year old straight male living in Pittsburgh. I'm doing the OkCupid thing. I would like to go on a few dates, but I don't know where to go for a first date. Elsewhere on AskMe, people have said that a first date with someone you met on Okcupid should be brief compared to a first date with someone you've known in person for a while. Makes sense. I could put together an awesome date that was three hours long, but when I try to think of something short and sweet, I'm at a loss. Moved to Pittsburgh and worked in a kitchen in Southside for three years before getting my current 9-5 I.T. job a few months ago. Most of my Pittsburgh friends are cooks there. My social circle is very into deep-fried anything, and copious amounts of booze and weed.

My stereotypical 90%+ OKC match is an artsy/geeky, vegetarian(ish) grad student who studied in Europe for a semester. In an alternate universe, I would be too, so it makes sense.

Where are the quirky little places to grab a quick bite to eat that I would know about if I went to CMU or lived in Lawrenceville or something?

Communication in the early days of dating

toerinishuman — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 08:49:23 -0800

What are your tips to keeping the lines of communication open in the first few weeks of dating someone new? The hardest part of dating for me is keeping the lines of communication open when we're just starting to get to know each other. In the past, I've lived in small communities where I saw my boyfriends several times a week regardless if we made plans together or not; we had the same friends and general interests. But now I'm living in a large city and have been dating men I've met on OKCupid, and I don't know how to keep in touch with someone I wouldn't organically meet. I struggle with what to say to someone, either by email or text, other than making plans for the next date. I prefer to talk to people face-to-face in general, and I think I've gotten stuck on this method of communication.

Meeting guys outside of OKC in this city hasn't been working, partially because most guys I like when I first meet them are in relationships, and partially because I'm not good at flirting/reading when someone is flirting with me. OKC means I can meet single guys and know we're both looking for a relationship. Before OKC, I hadn't gone on a date in over a year, and the male friends I made weren't interested in dating me.

My question is, in the first few weeks of dating, what kinds of emails, texts, etc are typical, and how often do people contact each other? I don't think I'm comfortable sending 'how's your day going?' or 'thinking of you :)' texts when we've been seeing each other for less than a month. Because I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, I'm starting to overthink even basic 'so, coffee this week?' texts. I could use some perspective on this.

Should I cancel my date?

littlegreen — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 19:54:06 -0800

I arranged a date with one guy, then had another absolutely fantastic date in the interim, & really want to focus on that. Should I cancel the other date? Backstory: Last summer, I had a great (& relatively long!) exchange of OKCupid messages with a guy we'll call Guy 1, who lives about an hour away from me. The exchange fizzled out, partly because I was leaving the country for a while & partly because he never asked me out. A few months later, I was back on OKCupid & both of us were single, so I re-messaged him and we made arrangements to meet up this weekend.

However, I also had two other first dates planned for this week. The first of these dates (with Guy 2) went AMAZINGLY, so much so that I'm actually a little infatuated. This is rare for me - I've never had a first date that went so well or had so much of a spark. When I went on the second date (with Guy 3), I had a ton of fun and really liked him as a person, but I kept thinking about Guy 2. I am definitely seeing Guy 2 again. Guy 3 wants to meet up again and I already feel bad about wanting to nicely reject him (normally I'd go on a second date).

However, there's still the looming date with Guy 1, and I have no clue whether I should cancel that or not. I'm normally super pragmatic about dating, and try to go on as many first dates as possible, but - again - I've never felt this kind of immediate connection before.

Reasons for cancellation:
- Guy 1 would have to drive more than an hour each way, since I don't have a car. I don't want to waste his time (it would be different if it were just a coffee date)
- I'm almost (though not 100%) sure that I won't like him more than Guy 2, and I don't want to lead him on
- Dating is stressful enough when I actually want to go on the date
- IF Guy 1 likes me, I'll probably have to go through another awkward rejection (worsened by the fact that I already anticipated it!) If he doesn't, then he's wasted his time anyway.

Reasons to keep the date:
- I really, really liked Guy 1 when we were first messaging, and I'm sure we could have a fun conversation
- I've only been on ONE date with Guy 2, & even though I like him a lot, I don't know where it's headed or if he's even looking for a relationship. (His profile says he's seeking short-term dating - no mention of long-term.)
- There's always a chance I'll like Guy 1 more
- (shallow, but:) There aren't many young, single, liberal guys in my area, & I feel like it would be dumb to pass up a date with one

(there's also the option of telling Guy 1 but offering to hang out as friends - but I don't know if that would be insulting.)

I am probably obsessing way too much over this, but I really can't decide. If you were Guy 1, what would you want me to do?

Did I just commit a hugely embarrasing Okcupid gaffe?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 17:54:13 -0800

I disabled my Okcupid account. When it asked Why? I checked "I met someone on Okcupid." This is true. I'm seeing 4 someones from Okcupid - obviously nothing serious or committed and all in early or very early stages of exploration. Four is overwhelming enough without tinkering with the site further. When the form asked who I met, I listed all four. After hitting submit I realized with terror that there is a chance okc might somehow notify these fellows that I listed them as "met someone." Please tell me I am wrong.

help how does this work

Anonymous — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 20:12:50 -0800

So.... how does okcupid work for gay/bi women? Asking because I did the whole set-up-a-profile thing or whatever, but a) I have no experience with online dating, and b) Also, I have no experience with dating women (but obviously am interested). I'm just really not sure about the dynamics. Who messages who? What kind of messages do you send? What makes a "good" message-able profile? Not that I have to be the one being messaged. What makes a "good" message? What does the looking for "casual sex" versus "short-term dating" versus the other stuff mean in the context of gay/bi women on okcupid?

As is probably obvious I am the sort of person who picks up many social conventions through long and painful trial and error.

Other details: I'm not looking for a serious relationship (both that and "I've seen men before but not currently" are stated up front in my profile). Late-20s female in downtown Toronto. I think my profile is the pretty typical herearesomebooksthatIlike-Ilikegoingforbeers-ortogalleries-orresturants-etc. According to okCupid more "sex-driven" and "kinky" than average (thanks okcupid!). I have a non-identifying kind of half-face pic up (fwiw I wouldn't be that into putting identifying pics of myself up if I was on there as "straight" either). The profile is limited to non-straight people.

putting the trois in ménage à trois

Anonymous — Mon, 22 Oct 2012 17:08:15 -0800

Where to find thirds? Myself (female) and my boyfriend are into threesomes, with a third of either gender. We aren't particularly kinky, though we are generally willing to try new things. We are both STD free and plan to remain that way.

The handful of times we've had threesomes together (probably 4-5ish) have been very fun, but we've only ever managed to make it happen by picking one of our friends, and essentially seducing him or her while drunk at a party. Granted, this hasn't been very difficult, but this strategy is sort of getting old, because our social circle isn't enormous, and we've already hooked up with everyone amongst it that we wish to. Plus, there's an upper bound of how incestuous we really want this crowd to get.

So, we would like to look to other avenues to find thirds. Our main attempt so far has been OKCupid, where we each have accounts that we keep active, and additionally have a joint account with some pics of us together and separately, a mix of suggestive and normal. We get very few responses from people we message, and in general the only people who message us are very burly looking gay guys (not the preferred 'type' for either of us), or girls who are drastically less attractive than us (we aren't supermodels or anything, but are attractive and in-shape).

I get it, OKC is very relationshipy and that's not really what we're looking for (certainly not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with thirds beyond friendship). I think we ideally would hang out with the person at least once first to make sure we all like each other rather than guarantee sexytimes on the first "date". We don't have the free time/bandwidth to court a whole bunch of people or devote tons of time to answering/sending more OKC messages, but we party a lot on the weekends and thus have time for the actual sex.

So, how to do this effectively? We live in San Francisco, and are in our early 20s, so we kind of feel like this should be REALLY EASY here and we're just missing something obvious. Been a bit hesitant about swinger parties since they sound like something old people do, and we're hesitant to join more of the hookup-centric websites due to general sketch factor, but maybe we are judging too soon here! Drop some wisdom, please.

Throwaway email: troisthecharm@gmail.com

Contacting a person on OKCupid a second time, after they'd left and returned?

Anonymous — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:45:19 -0800

I messaged a woman, who seemed a fantastic match, on OKCupid. She didn't respond, and 2-3 days later deactivated her account. Some months later, she shows up again in my favorites list - same profile reactivated, again listed as single. The optimist in me thinks that last time I messaged her was perhaps just unlucky timing and she might be more interested now. Is this an exception to the general rule of "message a woman exactly once, and, if she doesn't respond, write it off and move on"? In this case, would it be acceptable to send her a second message, without seeming desperate or creepy? And should I send an entirely new message, as though the first never happened, or something just along the lines of "hey, I see you're back, and I'd still be interested."

If it matters, we're both attractive late-20s heterosexual professionals in a major city - i.e. we both presumably receive a good amount of OKCupid traffic.

They are interested. Why don't they respond?

3FLryan — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 11:12:02 -0800

Someone "chose" me (rated 4 or 5 stars) on OKCupid. What should be my next move? I'm a relatively experienced OKCupid user. I've been on it for a while now, and have exchanged plenty of messages - some resulting in dates, some not, with the dates never turning into a relationship. I'm pretty good with "first messages" (e.g. saying something interesting and different in a first contact message that may pique the other person's interest and get a response).

However, I'm not sure what to do after someone "chooses" me - rates me as 4 or 5 stars. I always just look at their profile, and if I like it, send the same sort of "first contact" message I would send as if I didn't know they "chose" me (i.e. I do not say anything like "Hey, saw you "chose" me! I like you too! Haha!).

My thought is that it should be EASIER to get someone to respond after they "choose" you, since it shows they are already interested in you, but I don't think anyone has ever responded to my message after they "chose" me. Weird!

So, this girl with a really awesome profile just "chose" me. What should I do?? "Choose" her back? Reference the choosing in a message?

(Side question: Why do people "choose" people? Why not just message them? Maybe answering this question is key to answering the first question...)

Like me, only better.

mrfuga0 — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 18:17:56 -0800

I want to make a fake dating profile to do research. Is this unethical? I am a writer and I am writing a story right now that has some discussion about online dating and dating in general. After hearing a friend talk about online dating**I was curious to see who was on there, how people respond, etc. I then thought I might set up a profile to see how men respond to a particular character type.

I am married and I'm also a highly visible member of the community I live in (which is somewhat small). Obviously, I can't be on the site (or my photo can't). I was playing with the idea of setting up a fake profile with a stock photo. Is this unethical (I realize this is part of a larger question as to the ethics of immersive nonfiction, so lay that on me as well)? I could, after the initial contact, tell these men that I'm doing research. I'm most interested in how men would respond to, again, a particular type of woman which makes asking to look at someone else's profile more difficult.

**No, I can't ask this friend to let me see her profile because she has since stopped using the site and is a different personality from the profile I'd want to use for trolling.

Should I reveal to my upcoming quasi-blind quasi-date that I look different than he expects me to?

mauvest — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 09:01:15 -0800

Should I (and if so, how should I) reveal to my upcoming quasi-blind quasi-date that I look different than he expects me to? I created an OKCupid profile about two years ago and had some good dating experiences. I stopped using the site when some health problems arose (plus a romantic heartbreak), and since then I've added about 30% to the weight I was in the head-and-shoulders picture of me on the site.

I've gotten the health issues mostly under control and am starting to lose weight now. I've successfully lost a significant amount of weight in the past, so I feel confident that I know how to do it, and thus very optimistic that I'll be back to my previous shape in a year or so. I have never been and will never be "skinny," or particularly athletic, and am at peace with that... but still, this isn't the difference of just an extra love handle or a single dress size.

I hadn't really planned on starting dating again anytime soon, but a few weeks ago I re-activated my profile while bored (and, admittedly, lustful), and started just poking around a little. As a result of that activity, I was "discovered" and contacted by an old college classmate who I haven't seen in 15+ years and who is apparently a fantastic "match" across every OKC dimension. We've emailed a handful of times with warm reminiscing as well as explicit flirting and some forward sexual innuendo (initiated by him and reciprocated by me). We never knew each other well, but it's a small school and there's often a kind of automatic feeling of connection among alumni, so I can't help but feel there's a bit of extra "oomph," and trust, between us than there might be for total strangers who meet via an online dating site. For what it's worth, he always came across as a smart, kind, interesting, good guy (and very physically attactive (to me))

Now we're planning to get together in three days, Friday night.

I think that an objective reader of our emails would say that Friday is a date, with the mutual hope that there is a physical if not also romantic relationship worth exploring. That said, there was also a clear underlying spirit of "of course we should grab a friendly drink and gossip about what our other classmates have been up to," more as a networking/buddy connection, no more significant than Facebook friend-ing, just in person.

In case it's useful as context, his profile says that he prefers "average" body types (the other three options were "slim"/"fuller figured"/"i don't care"), and he hasn't answered any of the questions that let you signal that someone being overweight is a dealbreaker, etc.. Also, I'm pretty sure he's a boob man, and I've certainly got those. On the other hand, he was a competitive athlete at school, is still extremely fit, and lists exercise as one of his "six things I can't live without."

Assuming we get along in person as well as we both currently expect we will, my ideal outcome would be that we develop an affectionate fuckbuddy relationship (even just a great one-night stand), and if I were more slim/fit, I'd think I had a really good shot at that. His profile indicates that he's ideally hoping to find a long-term relationship, but I know he still enjoys less-committed adult romps as well. Even with my current shape, I feel very confident about my sexual appeal, skills, and attitude.

I feel like my options are:

A. Just show up Friday, be confident, and go with the flow
B. Just show up Friday, but apologize at some point for the possible disconnect between my profile picture and reality and explain my health/body situation and outlook in high-level terms
C. Email or call him before Friday to say, hey, just wanted to mention that I didn't expect to be "found" on my outdated profile, so I hadn't updated my pictures, but FYI, I'm plump
D. Email or call him before Friday to clarify that I only want to meet up as friends, thereby taking any attraction issues/expectations off the table and being upfront that I'm not looking for a serious relationship
E. Say nothing directly, but try to communicate via my profile more accurate info about my appearance, e.g., change body type to Overweight or Curvy or Full Figured or something (I never know what the hell each is supposed to mean, guidance welcome), delete old photos and add a current-weight one, etc.. As a complicating factor, because we moved to "real" email almost right away, it appears that he hasn't looked at my profile in the past 10 days.
F. Cancel Friday, either explicitly telling him I don't think I'm ready for this, or just making up a white lie and fading away or maybe rescheduling for much later (I'll be doing a job rotation abroad all September)
G. Some approach I'm missing?

I have troubles with shame (in general, not just my body), and my M.O. in general has been to avoid emotional risk, vulnerability and judgment at almost all costs. I'm working on that, but I know it's not this guy's problem, nor can he fix it. Still, I'm scared.

So, wise metafilter, how do you think I should proceed to maximize happiness and minimize... the opposite? I'd truly appreciate any advice you can give.

(Also, if I go, what the hell should I wear??)

Am I sleep Ok-Cupiding?

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 06:25:57 -0800

My ex is showing up on my recently visited list on Ok Cupid without me having visited his page. What could be going on? I just changed my password but I'm 99% sure no one knew it before and I wasn't signed in anywhere else. I browse anonymously and I've 'hidden' him so he shouldn't know of this profile's existence (created post breakup). Wtf? Does anyone know the algorithms here well enough to tell me what the hell could be up? Ok, second time now that I've signed in and my ex was in my 'recently visited' list when I HAVE NO VISITED HIS PAGE. I'm totally disturbed. What is going on?

1. I have not been drinking. 2. He shows up as the most recently visited. 3. I have checked his profile from this account in the past.

Suggestions that may improve my OKCupid profile or conversation initiations?

Willpower — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 16:37:28 -0800

Suggestions that may improve my OKCupid profile or conversation initiations? I still haven't been having much luck with my OKCupid profile. Any thoughts regarding my profile? Or regarding pictures (do I need better pictures or take pictures differently; should I swap my default pic; etc)?

By the way, for a while, I had my default picture the one where I'm laughing at my goofball cousin. I recently changed it to my current one where I'm wearing my fraternity jacket at the zoo. No significant difference in my profile views or OKCupid success.

Next:
The way that I normally initiate a conversation is by finding something interesting on a woman's profile, and then asking her about it. Here are some example initiation attempts I've made:

"How's it going? It's awesome that you love adventure and travel. It's always interesting to explore, or see different lifestyles. I definitely have wanderlust. Where are some places you've been?"

"How's it going? You mention that you're going to school for your bachelor's in nursing... I'm curious, what draws you to that major?"

"How's it going? You mention that you like hiking. I just picked up on that hobby a couple months ago. Where are some placed you've been? "

More than half the time, they don't even check out my page. And the ones that do still don't respond to my message.

I've been on this website for 7 months. To date, I've had a real conversations with only two women. Really starting to feel like I'm wasting my time.

Any suggestions that may improve my OKCupid success?

Help me get the most out of OKCupid!

evinrude — Mon, 30 Jul 2012 18:57:16 -0800

What should I be expecting from OKCupid? Assume my profile is just fine. I'm a thirty-something single man in Seattle. I've only started using OKCupid like... yesterday. Let's assume for the sake of argument that my profile is good, with decent photos and well-written prose that accurately conveys who I am and what I'm looking for. What are your tips or tricks for maximizing the potential for meeting someone special? For example: Should I only be sending messages to women that I have over a 90% match with? Should I always respond right away if someone writes back (or miraculously writes to me out of the blue)? Should my initial message be a simple couple of paragraphs asking questions about things they wrote in their profile? What worked or didn't work for you?

I really should just relax, right?

Once they've responded, what next?

CrystalDave — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 23:16:25 -0800

On dating sites/OKCupid: Once I get past the initial introductions, where do I go in the conversation? Alternately, could it be something in my profile that encourages people to not respond past the initial reaction? My profile, for reference/questioning purposes.

I've been following the other questions on here related to profiles, photos, and messages; so I know to make what I say on my profile more descriptive of what I'm like and to make messages personalized (rather than scattershot). I also know not to get too bogged down in initial responses/response rates. So, here's where I'm at:

1 out of 3 messages get an initial response, but half of those end after I get a response and reply myself. I keep each message pretty short (a few sentences), and specific to things they've noted on their profile as common interests. I also try to make sure to have something in each message to keep the conversation going. (I'd post an example but for privacy concerns)

In theory my goal is some sort of meeting in person, or at least live conversation of some sort. (No success on this front either, yet)

Are there specific things I can make sure to do/to avoid in order to get a cold message to turn into a more organic/flowing conversation? Alternately, are there things which I can improve in my profile which are currently keeping me down? Or could it be that I'm looking at this all wrong by thinking 'conversation' when I should be thinking 'ask them out quickly' or something like that?

I'm currently in the Portland area for an internship, but the same sort of thing happened when I was in Eugene (where I'll be returning in the Fall).

Feedback on dating profile

soonertbone — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 09:56:36 -0800

Please critique my OkCupid profile! (I know there's been a spate of these recently, but I'm back on the dating scene and Jessamyn says it's ok!) I'd love any feedback y'all have re: the tone I establish, the actual content itself, and (gulp) the pictures I've posted. I hear that NYC is ostensibly great for single guys, but I've yet to experience that in the past doing this okcupid thing. What can I improve, profile-wise, to increase the number of dates I go on? I'm interested to hear what you think when you read through my page.

What can I do to improve my OKC Profile?

Anonymous — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 06:09:49 -0800

My experience with OKCupid has been somewhat frustrating. What can I do to improve my profile?

--> My Profile

I joined OKC about four weeks ago. I have messaged approximately 60 women, and about 7 have responded. I've gone out with 2 of those who responded, but there wasn't a real spark with either one.

Is this normal? I understand this is a numbers game, but a 10% response rate seems like a poor return for the amount of effort to put into this.

So with that said, I feel like there's something up with my profile and/or pictures. Women will visit my profile after reading the message I send them, but there is almost never a response.

My messages are usually a pithy sentence followed by a question acknowledging one of their interests. I keep the initial message very short. Generally I follow the suggestions in this thread.

So fellow askmefites, is there something I need to improve on my profile?

Thanks.

Suggestions for my OkCupid profile, and on how to initiate conversations with women?

Willpower — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 00:09:11 -0800

My OkCupid profile--any suggestions? And what's the best way to initiate conversations with women? I haven't been having much luck with my OkCupid profile. Any thoughts regarding my pictures (do I need better pictures or take pictures differently; should I swap my default pic; etc)?
Any thoughts regarding the length or content of my profile?

Also, any comment regarding how I should initiate conversations with women on the site?
I normally keep it brief; 3 sentences: I'd say something like "You seem cool," then I make some observation about something cool or a mutual interest found about their profile, and last I'd conclude by asking them a general question that's related to that thing I found.

I've been on the website for like 4-5 months, and I've made a little over 40 initiation attempts, yet I've only had one person give me a response after I initiated a conversation in that way. I don't know if it's my profile, the way I started the conversation, or what. Please help!

nerdy overthinker needs a highlighter, heart and cold eye

Anonymous — Thu, 21 Jun 2012 11:49:13 -0800

yet another request for feedback on an OkCupid profile. Complex, nerdy overthinker in search of an editor who may be able to help focus an online persona. I've been on OkC for a few months with middling success (a few message exchanges, four dates with different women) but returns seemed to have been diminishing as of late. I'm happy with how my Q&A has setup my matches, and I'll send out four or so messages a week to new people, but over the past two months it seems that half of those messages will vanish into ether, the other half will result in someone looking at my profile, but none will result in a response.

I have tweaked and revised my profile a few times, but I'm struggling with the quandry of what to keep and what to cut. I look at the wall of text and know that it's overwhelming, but I struggle with feeling like cutting something out might omit a potential connection that someone might spot.

So, I'd like hard-eyed feedback about what works and what doesn't. What feels fake and forced and what feels natural? Or should I just stop thinking about it and just get better photos?