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Dealing with lunatics at work 101

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:19:00 -0800

A co-worker rants and raves constantly and I'm getting sick of it. What to do? I'm a 30 year old male. There's a 25 year old female co-worker who I seem to be having a personality conflict with, and I'm not sure how to resolve it.

We're both attorneys. I've been here for a year and a half, and she was admitted to the bar this past August. Since this woman has become an attorney at the firm (she was previously a law clerk), she sees fit to go off on tirades about how something is stupid or how she doesn't agree with something. I seem to be the target of these attacks more often than others.

Last week, a group of us were having lunch, and there was much joking. I'm from an Eastern culture, and often make fun of myself and my countrymen. Well, I made a joking comment in the course of the conversation and she went off.

She handles the workflow for personal injury cases at the firm, and so whenever I have a PI matter, I go to her to have the proper groundwork laid out. She is now saying that I can handle my own cases and that she won't help me. This is fine from a practical standpoint, but I feel a bit put out.

I did apologize to her for offending her with my remarks, but all she said was, "It's not just your 'jokes'". That's led me to avoid her, so I haven't eaten lunch with my co-workers in a few days now.

How should I address this issue? Thinking back, I don't feel like I'm responsible for her sensitivity and I have already apologized. Should I just say screw off and find other lunch plans or should I try to ingratiate myself to her?

How can I tell someone they're dressed inappropriately at work?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 14:35:13 -0800

An intern at work is dressing very inappropriately. Is there any way I can tell her nicely to tone it down? I'm a male attorney at a law firm. We have a law clerk who's been with us since January and is a 2nd year law student. Since the beginning, she wears tops that plung down her neckline and put her breasts on display. I'm not a prude and I think a little cleavage is fun for everyone. But, this girl is taking it a bit far.

Since she's started working with us, she's always wortn tops that show a lot more cleavage than is work appropriate. It's gotten to where when I have a research assignment for her, I have to concentrate on her face rather than her breasts. The other associates (especially the females) have been making very disparaging comments about her lately, and I feel bad for her.

I wish I could go to the managing partner, but he's a perv and would probably prefer it if the clerk came in topless every day.

Is there a diplomatic way I can speak to this clerk and let her know that her attire isn't work appropriate?

Out obnoxiousing the obnoxious at work?

cha4 — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 09:23:30 -0800

I work with a guy in cubicleville who is paranoid and is a bit of a talking head. He insists on getting into every nook and crany of a project, and putting himself at the center of everything as much as possible. On the other hand, I am more low key, and even if I tried, couldn't name-drop, chat up people people, and be as obnoxious as he ends up being. (I am trying to work on being more extroverted, but in the meantime, I get inundated with small tasks that make it difficult. To him, doing what he does almost comes naturally / with little effort.)

To his credit, he gets things done (and I do as well). But he's 30 years my senior so, for example, drafting a email that uses office-speak and doesn't step on anyone's toes comes quicker and easier to him. Often I find myself in constant catch-up mode and stressed that I have to try to keep up with his high-energy way of handling things.

What might be some good strategies to cope with that kind of environment? (I guess short-cuts to getting better at office speak and/or things that impress the boss in general might be a good start. Just trying to hold on to my sanity while dealing with/keeping up with everyone.)

My dog is having a root canal... or something

Hugh2d2 — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 10:02:05 -0800

Misanthropic tendency vs. office holiday party How do I TACTFULLY bow out of a holiday office party?

I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to tell them it's because I don't really like putting up with them for 8 hours a day when I'm paid to, let alone after hours when I'm not.

Suggestions?

My slightly scandalous past has come back to haunt me. Help!

Anonymous — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 20:34:59 -0800

My slightly scandalous past has come back to haunt me. Help! First, I apologize for the insane length of this post. Anyway, I'm a 30-y.o. female who has made some unwise career choices in the past. Currently, I have a regular 9-to-5 job, business suits and 401k and health benefits and all. I also have an excellent working relationship with pretty much everyone in the small company that I work for.

However, 12 years ago, I used to be a go-go dancer at a large NYC nightclub. My boss, who is extremely laid back and liberal, already knows about this and finds it very amusing. What he does not know is that I also worked for 2 years as a dancer at a "gentleman's club" while putting myself through school. (And please, I'm not here to debate my relative worth as a human being for making the decision to work there. FWIW, I never did anything illegal. Immoral? Probably.)

Recently, I have had the unpleasant experience of running into a former customer of the club I used to work at, in a business situation. Even worse, this man (let's call him Mr. X) has had a long-running (15 year) business relationship with my employer. This has happened 3 times in the last month; the first time, Mr. X just barely managed not to address me by my "stage name", and generally made the meeting quite awkward with fairly juvenile flirtatious behaviour. The last two times have been far more unpleasant. Basically, he's been making some not-so-subtle remarks about how he'd like to see more of me outside of work, because he "misses what he used to see all the time, heh heh heh", coupled with veiled threats to mention my former job to my boss. None of these remarks were made in front of anyone else, fortunately or unfortunately.

Obviously, I know that the best way to quash any potential blackmailer (and I really do think that's the best way to define him at this point) is to reveal the secret with which you're being blackmailed. While this will doubtlessly be an uncomfortable conversation with my boss, I am about 70% certain that it will not mean the end of my employment. What I'm not sure of is if I should specifically say why I am telling him at this particular time. Ideally, I want to say something along the lines of "it's recently come to my attention that there are certain things in my past employment history that I neglected to reveal when you first hired me, and which may reflect badly upon me," as opposed to "Mr. X is using my past employment history to sexually harass me to the point of outright blackmail."

Basically, I’m worried that if I mention this man by name, my boss will immediately confront Mr. X about his behaviour – he's very protective of his employees and their rights – resulting in the end of their business relationship, and bad feelings all around. A continued relationship with Mr. X is not in any way vital to my boss' business, but an acrimonious end to the relationship will likely have a ripple effect through their mutual friends and acquaintances, with all sorts of gossipy chitchat. Plus, at this point I would not put it past Mr. X to make really vile accusations and personal remarks, which, while untrue, could end up leaving my boss' opinion of me much lowered.

How can I address this without fucking up everything for everyone, for all time?

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the TL;DR.

Tips to support my boss

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 16:19:37 -0800

How do I support my awesome new boss in an environment full of chaos? There have been a number of decisions made at my software company that I don't agree with. Technical jobs being moved offshore, irresponsible people given lots of responsibility, etc. Several people I enjoyed working with won't be around moving forward. we're also working with a skeleton crew and couldn't afford to lose these people.
However, one big positive came in the Pandora's Box. A very capable fellow project manager has been promoted to head of our department, and I would like to support him in every way possible because I know he understands our roles and can at least try to help support us in the midst of all this chaos. He's considered young and unproven and is friends with all of us, and I know he will feel pressure to change those interactions. This is fine, but I would really like tips to help support him and make him look good, so he can continue and help us thrive.

Ask now or ask later?

acridrabbit — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 20:11:41 -0800

I'm expecting a promotion soon. I want to move to a better office. Should I ask to move now, or wait until my review? I've been at my company for 18 months and have a review coming up. I'm finishing a graduate degree in May and expect to be promoted, either at my review this month or in May/June after I graduate. There's also a chance I might have to wait until September for a promotion.

I currently have an inner office, but there's a better office with an outside window sitting empty down the hall. It's also a quieter office, and I think I would be more productive with less disruption. I am the only person with my title currently working at this company. If/when I am promoted, I'll have a manager title, and all the managers have offices with outside windows.

Should I ask my boss to move offices now, or bundle that request in with all the other negotiations surrounding my expected promotion? My boss and I are on good terms, but he tends to be a bit stingy with his staff. I'm afraid that he might see moving offices as part of my compensation and think that he can get away with giving me a smaller salary adjustment. How should I approach the issue with him?

OFFICEMONKEY DESIRES HELP WITH PROMOTIONS THXZ

saysthis — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 07:02:42 -0800

Startupfilter: I'm a 2ndgen hire at a startup (non-computer) in Beijing, and I want promotionZ. HOW DO I GET THEM??? Because I was promised them. The "more inside" is long... Grammar mistakes are intentional.

Here's my situation: I, the stereotypical Non-Conformist freelance worker in a city full of people trying to get ahead by Any Means Necessary, was roped into a company by a friend of mine by very informal means. She is the manager of this new startup, a former consultant and freelancer like I was (and still am on weekends), and basically chased me down and told me that I MUST work for this company, because she needs (here come the caps again) Good People. And I was told, at the outset, that I'm one of the most promotable people in this company by the very person who manages promotions.

Now, normally I wouldn't do this AT ALL. I am vehemently anti- 9-5 and took pride in not being a part of office culture. I've never done it before, and was perfectly content not to. But, the truth is, my youthful idealism (I'm 24) isn't edible and doesn't convince other people to work with me, and over time it became pretty obvious that I'd need to do some time in an office and nail down all of what goes into being a 9-5 monkey (no disrespect intended) before people would respect me enough as a freelancer to give me money without questioning my capacity to understand what an office needs. When this opportunity came along, I figured it may as well be for a friend, who won't subject me to the usual manager/coworker/TPS-reports grind.

I've been in the office two weeks now, and I understand completely why I needed this. I need this experience, and I need it to be GOOD. This company is a visa agent for a specialized training program for a very specific skillset in demand both in England and vastly in need of reform in China. My job is to help with applications and train those who need to go for an interview how to interview. This company is very ethical, they won't EVER teach an applicant to lie or exaggerate, the owner is a man who isn't shy with bonuses and takes suggestions well, and they're as multicultural a team as you'll find anywhere, with staff that I can count from 8 countries (my bosses, in descending order, are Singaporean, American, and Chinese, with a primary secretary from the Philippines who makes more than I do), pay scales are equal, there's no exploiting the locals here, or aggrandizing the Anglosphere, or duping the furriners. They're small, roughly 15 people in-office, with a few in the field, and they're well-connected, and through those connections our client base has exploded 2000% in a year, I shit you not. That's why they hired me. I've found my coworkers knowledgeable and worth the time in the office, the work is satisfying and interesting and just crammed with resume fodder...basically it's ideal. The pay? Well, that's what I'm worried about.

Currently I make about twice what qualifies as standard 9-5 fare for Beijing (for what I do), and as expat wages go, it's on the low end. I could be making twice this by staying freelance (well, in a good month). And I don't need the money. I don't pay rent, I own, I have a decent car (in Beijing that's status symbol #1), and I don't have any dependents, but I do have a girlfriend I'm devoted to, who is in the process of starting her own company, which basically secures me for a visa if I need it. Now, the owner of the company is Singaporean, and because he pays twice the normal office wage, he expects a Singaporean work ethic. The thing about this company is, most of the employees are imports from either foreign countries who are glad for the China experience or imports from outside of Beijing who are glad for the wage differential. I'm competing, and working, mostly with economic migrants. He DOES promote. More hires will be coming soon, I expect. And what he expects is devotion, utter, total devotion. Which I can give, but which I don't know how long or how hard I'll have to give. I'm okay with it, but I need some pointers before I dive in.

The clincher in all this is, I signed on not just because of the promotions promised and the requisite benefits (which, really, do outstrip anything I could make as a freelance translator in Beijing in the next few years), but because I want to learn how to run and grow a company. It's a small office, and the various departments have privately expressed interest in my experience. I'm the only non-Chinese on-staff who speaks, reads, and writes Mandarin, and I do have substantial teaching and marketing experience, which are the two departments I don't work in.

And (if you're not annoyed by the tone and claims already) I can tell you, coming from the freelance world, I've rubbed some people the wrong way. I got a call from that friend, 2nd in charge at the company, telling me she was getting some bad feedback about me, most of it having to do with me being a little too carefree with my words and behavior, none with the quality of my work, which I was praised by coworkers for. I think I was a bit too boisterous my first day, but I've reined that in and not sensed any bad karma from my coworkers since. But...who knows.

What I need, simply, is advice. If I'm to accomplish what I set out to do in this company, which is learn by practice how to grow and market a startup, I need some mental guidelines to go by. If you were me, what would you do? If you've had this kind of experience, how did you finagle your way into the upper echelons while making sure everything you did was for the good of all? I don't want to step on anyone's toes, and I don't want to piss anyone off. I just want to prove that I'm worth the responsibilities (and promotionZ) I was told I'd be right for. I've just completed my first major independent contribution to the team according to the standards set by the department I'm working for (though by my own standards with a little weekend overtime I could double what I've done), and crunch time for that 2000% expansion is coming...next week. What if I put in that overtime? Would that offend the rest of the team or would it help my case with the boss (which inevitably will go through the boss of our team)? I'm confused, and if you've got some advice for a situation like this, I could definitely use it. And just general advice for a company like this. I'm more than a n00b, I'm a freelancer, and I need help!

this site could compromise our new hire

frosty_hut — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 14:57:13 -0800

new employee has some potentially compromising sites associated with her... We have a new employee at our non-profit, I'll call her Dale. She's been featured prominently on the company web site and is being made much of--she's being groomed as the main face of our organization. This is her big kick-off week.

Out of idle curiosity today I searched on her name, and found a web page associated with her--it contains a page that references restroom graffiti, sort of offering it up as a form of found art (it's an artsy site). Personally I think it's kind of clever and it doesn't offend my own sensibility at all, but our org is a pretty lock-jaw/town-and-country/take-me-home-James kind of outfit. Since this site is associated with the person who is our new supastar (they're hosting a meet and greet for her, probably ordering caviar and horse drawn carriages, etc.), it's pretty crude and raw in that context.

Elsewhere on the site Dale mentions in a recent post that she's found a new job in a new city (ours). And her online bio on our organization's site states her connection with this other site, so it's definitely her and not someone else with the same name--and would be easy to find just from that info on our org's web site. (Although I found it another way.)

The board members would have ten hemorrhages apiece if they happened upon this content, and I imagine my boss would be grateful if I let him know about this before he hears about it from one of them.

My impulse is to let our manager know ASAP, but I don't want to look like a tattle tale or, worse, someone who doesn't like the new hire and is trying to jeopardize her out of envy. She did beat me out for the position she's currently in, but I've known for months that it was going to fall out this way. I'm not bitter! But I do feel someone should make her aware, so she can remove the compromising content.

She and I haven't met yet, and I wouldn't want her first impression of me to involve something this unpleasant. Should I email the manager in any case? I was considering using a temporary anonymous address...what is your advice?

How should people find out about my breast cancer?

kendrak — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 09:34:36 -0800

What should my coworkers tell people who ask where I am when I'm home recuperating after surgery? I'm 24 and have breast cancer. I seem to be dealing with it better than those around me, which includes my coworkers. Today's my last day before surgery (bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction), and the question has come up about what they should tell people who ask about me.

I'm the circulation manager in a small academic library, making me something of the public face of the library. When I take a day off (or a long lunch), people ask I have a strong relationship with students and faculty, a few of whom know about the cancer though most do not. The library is part of an institute which has fairly typical workplace dynamics, though we're largely removed from that.

The question is what I should have them tell people? I can understand that they aren't comfortable telling people about the breast cancer, but I'd rather avoid the speculation that can happen when are left to imagine. I offered the explanation of plastic surgery (which is true), but my boss thought that was crass. So what should I instruct them to say to people? I'm perfectly fine with the whole world knowing about it, so that's not the issue.

Any help is appreciated. I've been bad at telling people because I keep making jokes which people either find rude/don't take seriously and are then upset when they find out it's true.

Respond to trash-talking coworker?

GIRLesq — Wed, 31 May 2006 12:16:50 -0800

I recently discovered that a co-worker has been suggesting that I am ill-suited for my recent promotion; should I respond? This coworker was himself rejected for the position and is unpopular in the office (he has embezzled from the company in the past, but due to a personal relationship he stays on). So, I am not concerned about my own coworkers because they know the score. My real concern here is that he is saying this to senior management at our new parent company who are not aware of his poor reputation and don't know me any better. Confronting him will only result in his denial that he said anything. I fear that if I were to attempt to clear this up with the parent company, by tipping them off to his poor reputation, I will just come off looking like a mud-slinger. Is my only option to just suffer his bad mouthing in silence?

Pin down slippery eel at work

kookoobirdz — Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:03:13 -0800

MiddleManagementFilter: Boss says give task X of my project to "Robin". I try. Instead of doing task X, Robin sets up a meeting between me, her, and whoever she wants to pass me off to. She steps out, I end up doing it. How do I get her to do the damned task? I have a crazy huge project in our department. It's far larger than one person can do. It spans many disciplines, requires many people. I manage the main project.

Our department has a person whose job it is to handle X discipline. Boss says to give task X to "Robin". I go to Robin and say, Bossman would like for you to handle X. Robin doesn't want to do it. Robin is resentful because her plate is full too and she doesn't want to do any more. Robin is female, I'm male.

She doesnt just say no, because she can't. But instead of doing it, figuring it out, managing it over time, making it happen, she invites someone else to our initial meeting about it (substitute: cc's someone else on initial email) who is the person she'd consult first if she were doing it. If the meeting is in her office, she does email while I and so-and-so talk. She chimes in now and then. So-and-so asks, "who should I get back with on this". I say Robin. Robin says, "well sort of both of us to start with". Robin makes sure to cc me on any contact she has with So-and-so and anyone else. In all of her communications, she directs people to me. She feigns ignorance while trying to appear helpful. She says things like "Dude is trying to figure out..." or "Dude is managing a project which..." or whatever. People start coming to me for whatever needs doing next. I end up doing whatever the freaking task was to start with. She steps out of the loop. Project stalls. I either look incompetent or work the freaking 14 hour days.

I bring it up to boss. Boss wants Robin and me to figure it out between ourselves; doesn't want to get involved. You've seen how that works. If I really push it, and say what's happening, he caves on her side, because she's busy too, and because he's meek, male, and very nonconfrontational. She points out what very attentive steps she's taken, points out why she doesn't know enough about the project to do it herself, and wham. I'm this elastic guy who can absorb anything, apparently, and I'm stuck with it. Happens every time.

I want her to do the damned task. I need to not have to worry about it. I have too much other stuff. It's her job. What technique, what psychological trick, pressure, strategy, can I use to thwart her thwarting? When she starts to slip sideways, how can I pin her down and respond to her passive agression with either more of the same but more effective, or something positive, or something tricky, or something clever, or whatever it would take to put the task solidly in her court and get her to do it? She's not a bad person, but I've had enough.

Not looking for perspective or you-office-types-are-pathetic scorn. Just practical advice from other office politicians.

Will Weight Watchers at Work unsafely goof with my work reputation?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Dec 2005 18:41:32 -0800

I’d appreciate people’s advice as to whether I should join my firm’s Weight Watchers at Work program. Reasons for? I weigh 310-320 pounds, and need to lose at the very least about 120-140 pounds. My obesity has caused me many problems, such as back problems and an umbilical cyst. I’m hoping to shed 40 pounds before the end of May; last summer was positively hellish for me, heatwise. I once lost 21 pounds on Weight Watchers (309 to 288) quite a few years ago, and nothing else I’ve tried (off and on) has enabled me to lose that much weight. It is held here at my company, so it would be a lot easier to get to. And Weight Watchers Online is accessible, yes, but wouldn’t have the same advantages, and is much more easily ignored than the meetings that require weigh-ins and such. Plus, there’s a generally recognized statistic that those who attend WW meetings usually have a higher success rate.

Reasons against? I am a man, and have only been on the job about a month; I would most definitely stand out, as I’ve been told secondhand that the group is overwhelmingly female. (I’m only one of two male secretaries at this company.) In a firm this size, it might become very easy for my weight loss efforts to become associated with my identity, and for my personal business to become public. Not on a large scale, mind you – I’m too much of a peon for that – but I feel it might be easily intermixed with what people know about my professional reputation. And should I fail — not a pleasant thought, but one that must be considered, given my history over the last decade — I’d really not like to have people get up in my business about it. I am trying to be very careful in how I “paint my reputation” at this new company, trying to be known as that nice guy, oh, him, hard worker. And, also, in my experience, a lot of WW focuses on recipes and cooking, which is something I have absolutely no skill with. And, I have yet to investigate some ideas that sound interesting to me, such as Volumetrics and FitDay.Com.

Anyway, it’s very possible I’m far too close to the problem to be seeing this clearly. And, yes, I’m posting anonymously because I’m trying to be discrete about my weight loss efforts.

Law Firm Realpolitik

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Nov 2005 20:46:03 -0800

Law Firm 101: I start at a law firm soon--can any MeFi lawyers (or other office Machiavellis) give tips on how to survive/succeed? Examples inside... I've been told some of the old chestnuts already, like wear a suit and tie once a week so that co-workers don't immediately think "interview suit" when you wear your, well, interview suit. Also, when partners send out mass emails seeking an idle associate, don't respond right away (assuming you don't want the work); let time pass and hopefully someone else will catch that bullet.

I'm not interested in making other associates look or feel bad, but I'd welcome posts on that subject so that I can avoid any bad mumbo jumbo directed at me.

Any other thoughts? Should I network the local Bar group for my specialty? Curry favor with the assistants and support staff? Try to publish law review articles? Make friends with the senior associates on the partner track? In the end, all I really want is to make this experience as rewarding and as painless as possible--on my terms.

Vacation Scheduling

omphale27 — Wed, 15 Dec 2004 10:52:50 -0800

I work in a fairly small office where we are cross-trained on other positions in order to provide coverage when one of us is out of the office. Because of that, we are supposed to be careful about scheduling vacations. I have noticed my back-up person has scheduled vacation time on top of some of my own. Should I tell my boss, or just let it be a nasty surprise?

What to get Your Administrative Assistant

ambrosia — Wed, 21 Apr 2004 15:10:20 -0800

D'oh! I goofed up. Today is Administrative Assistant's Day, and I completely spaced it out. Is there a graceful way to show my appreciation belatedly? [it gets worse inside] My assistant does a great job and I feel terrible about not doing anything. Two weeks ago her birthday came and went, and again, I completely spaced it until it was too late. That makes twice in one month that I’ve blown it. I’d consider a gigantic bouqet of flowers, but I did that last year, and since I don’t get any points for timeliness I’d at least like to do something a little more thoughtful.