Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with nursinghome

Nursing Home Hacks

Thin Lizzy — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:34:34 -0800

What are some good nursing home/hospital hacks? My grandmother recently settled into a full time nursing home after living in the same house for 50 years. When we moved her in we brought as many things as possible to make her new room feel a little more like home- pictures of our family, some little tsotchkes my grandfather gave her, the comforter and pillows from her bed, as well as some small luxury items- nice hand cream, a bag of candy, a bigger TV, etc. While the nursing home is what she needs and is staffed with friendly, competent people, it still feels like a hospital and I get the feeling that she's a little uncomfortable there (but of course she doesn't want to worry me and insists that she doesn't need anything). So what are you're favorite nursing home hacks- things that would make her life just a little bit easier or provide a degree of comfort that's hard to come by in a hospital setting?

A little more about her- she's in her 90s and uses a wheelchair most of the time. She has some trouble with her memory, but is "with it" for the most part (she has reading material, but probably wouldn't be interested in puzzles or games). She has a roommate (who she seems to like) and her room is laid out much like a typical hospital room- the beds side-by-side with a divider between them and a private bathroom.

Which long-term care facility would you recommend in Halton Region?

nothingsconstant — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 08:11:09 -0800

Which long-term care facility would you recommend in Halton / Waterloo Region? Which nursing homes/long term care facilities in Halton Region (preferably) or Waterloo Region, would you recommend based on your experiences?

My Grandma just had a stroke, paralyzing her on her left side. My grandparents will not be able to return to their current home so they will need to move into a long-term care facility. They will need to be together, and cost is not an issue.

My mum would like to hear positives as well as negatives about any facility within the regions mentioned above.

If you have longer answers here's a throwaway email: ltchalton@gmail.com

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate???

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 17:36:49 -0800

Parent Filter: What can I do about this parent/child role reversal that is poisoning my mind and my life and how can I let this parent know that even though I love them dearly I will not continue to let them manipulate me and dump all of their responsibilities on to my plate??? Long story short, my widowed mother (who is young by definition - late sixties) let her life go to hell in a hand basket. My DH and I moved her in with us so that we could give her care and keep her from living the horrible existence that she was (dirty house, unable to take care of the pets she had, not eating right - living off of crap - and not managing her severe diabetes). When we moved her in with us, my DH and I were both 27 years old and had only been married for 5 months. That was over 3 years ago.

She doesn't give a damn about her health and always has a convenient excuse to justify what she feels like doing or not doing. She almost put herself in a diabetic coma once because she didn't manage her diabetes even though the doctor had clearly ordered her to do so. Obviously it is perfectly fine to eat a huge tin of peppermint bark that you had hidden in your room and then try to balance it out with insulin injections.... Right! And she has so many health conditions (osteoarthritis, obesity, fibromyalgia, SEVERE diabetes and the many complications that are resulting from the diabetes) not to mention her appalling lack of self-maintenance and personal hygiene... Two months ago, she fell and broke her leg. She wound up in the hospital and had to have surgery to repair the break. This has left her as non-weight bearing for 3 months. She is obese and cannot walk without a walker when she has two legs to walk on. So she has had to go to a nursing home until she can rehabilitate but has been very unhappy about that reality and has tried to get out of the rehab requirement on more than one occasion. She actually told my husband and I that she would be fine if she would just sit at home in her recliner while we went to work and if we made her some PBJ sandwiches and a glass of water so she could make it through the day until we got home. This is crazy... We told her no and I don't think she gets it.....

She has alienated my other siblings through her master manipulator bullshit and as a result I have lost one of my siblings (no longer speaks to my mother or myself) and the other is only helping out/sticking around because they love me and want to support me/not leave me hanging. My mother has nothing to do all day long but sit around and read trashy novels, but somehow she can't seem to manage making her own doctor appointments (even though I set up a HIGHLY convenient calender which has everyone's schedule on it - hence eliminating the excuse of 'I can't make appointments since I don't know what your schedules are and someone has to take me to the doctor). Did I forget to mention that she quit driving for no particular reason?

My husband and I have REPEATEDLY sat down with her and told her that her current situation and methodology in handling it has been unacceptable. Take a shower, change your clothes, wash your hair, eat right, exercise wherever and however you can, and for the love of god, start acting like a member of the living human race!!! Now last time I checked, she was not declared mentally incompetent and I was not appointed as her guardian. In my mind, this means that my family and I do what we need to do in order to make her life at home comfortable within reason. This does not mean that I am supposed to be her personal assistant/secretary and that she can just sit back and be the Queen of Sheba with no responsibilities what so ever. It also does not mean that she can just sit there and let herself be filthy and stink just because it takes so much effort to take a shower. And god forbid she does take that shower and clean herself up! Then she can't do anything for the rest of the day because it "took so much out of" her...

Yes, I am at fault for allowing this behavior to go on for as long as I have. But I have had my awakening and I also have a infant son who needs his mother since he is in fact a baby and cannot take care of himself. Therefore here are the questions that I have at hand:

# 1 - How can I convey that I am done catering to her, that she is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and that I am invoking the protective shield of self-preservation immediately?

#2 - Once I have established the bare minimum requirements for her, how do enforce them? I know that one thing I can use is "if you don't/can't meet these expectations then we aren't equipped to take care of you anymore". The only problem with that is that it will become an empty threat if used too much. What other repercussions can I use?

# 3 - How can I break free of her manipulation of me through guilt? I need to rid myself of those shackles in order to be strong and not allow further mind games by the master manipulator.

Please feel free to e-mail me with any questions that you might have or any suggestions you can offer. I've set up a throw-away email address at: preserving.my.sanity@gmail.com

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it?

lrkuperman — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 08:42:03 -0800

Nursing Home/ Hair Care Filter: How can I wash her hair without actually washing it? Is it possible to help my bedridden mother keep her hair clean without washing it? Long story short, my mom who is mobility impaired fell down about a month ago; she broke her leg and badly bruised her tail bone in the process. The break was bad enough to require surgery and now she is bedridden for the next 2 months. Until 2 weeks ago she was in the hospital which fortunately had a on site salon which provided in room/ in bed services such as shampoo and style for a nominal fee. For the time being she is in a nursing home, recovering from her surgery and waiting for her leg to heal. So until she can bear weight on that leg and begin rehabilitation they (the nursing home staff) are giving her bed baths but they do not do anything about her hair.

How can I keep her hair clean for 2 months without actually being able to wash it? I've heard of dry shampoos but I am under the impression that it is not a long term solution. Am I wrong in this assumption? Also if dry shampoo is the answer to this conundrum, where would I find it and which brand should I get?

Holiday in a nursing home

kamikazegopher — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:00:10 -0800

My friends and I are going to take their children (under age 5) to a geriatric care facility to spread holiday cheer. What can we buy in bulk, or make (easily) in bulk to distribute to old folks?

Experience with dementia?

justonegirl — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 13:21:54 -0800

Advice on dealing with a relative with dementia? Some of you might remember my earlier question about relocating 1800 miles to be with my grandmother in her final months (and thanks again to the kind souls who responded). Well, I did it -- and thanks to an unusual turn of events at work, it wasn't nearly as big of a leap as I imagined. Now, I'm down here in Texas, and my grandma is much worse off mentally than I realized.

Yesterday, my first full day in town, I spent 6 1/2 hours with her. She recognized me, though she spent a lot of time introducing me to people as her daughter and asking me things like "how's your son?" (I'm childless.) Those kinds of things I can deal with.

What's harder is how to deal with and respond to the nonsense that comes out of her mouth. Some of it is just off-the-wall, untrue stuff (like her rambling stories about "those boys" who keep breaking into her room and touching her dress) and some is literally gibberish, like she is getting tongue-tied and stumbling over words and forgetting things mid-sentence. She stares at me and seems to expect me to understand. Yet, she's feisty enough not to appreciate me nodding my head and saying "okay" or similar responses. Sometimes she touches my face and tells me I'm beautiful and an angel. Other times her eyes narrow and she tells me I'm just like my father (believe me, not a compliment in her mind). She's bound and determined that we're going to "pack up and go" -- to her old apartment, to the store to get some bread, or to some destination she can't articulate, though we will never actually be able to take her anywhere. Getting her to remain in her wheelchair or in bed is a constant struggle that never ends (evidently, restraints are now illegal, even when it would harm the patient to try to stand). She demands money constantly to tip the sneaky aides and custodians who "help her" with stuff -- in other words, who do their job. She's also very close to deaf, thanks to the nursing home that's lost her hearing aids and won't replace them, so it doesn't help that she hears probably 10% of what I say to her and comprehends maybe 10% of that. Finally, she mumbles, so I can hardly hear her.

I realize this comes across more as a vent than a question, but I'm just seeking advice on (a) how to deal with my grandma's failing mental faculties, and (b) how to deal with the stress of being with her when it's pretty much a wholly unpleasant experience. Any suggestions are more than welcome.

Getting dad out of a nursing home

onlyconnect — Tue, 19 Apr 2005 16:08:39 -0800

Can a child remove a parent from a nursing home to live with the child if the parent's spouse (from remarriage) approved the nursing home placement? I've googled but am having trouble finding resources that aren't about nursing home abuse and neglect. Apparently the dad was in a VA hospital for two days for a condition that does not appear to the child to require alot of continued medical assistance, and then was released (at direction of spouse) to a nursing home. He is 80, and allowed himself to be put in nursing home by spouse, but when child asks him if child can take him home to live with child, he says yes, let's go. Not aware of whether anyone has power of attorney.

The dad has some ongoing medical issues (walks with a cane, apparently was on oxygen for a while in the hospital), but nothing that seems to absolutely require nursing home care.

I thought nursing homes were sort of a last resort, but I don't know how rights between children and spouses work. (To be clear, the spouse is not the child's mom -- she's a stepmom from a subsequent marriage.) Wouldn't a nursing home naturally release someone who wanted to leave, and does the fact that they're not doing it suggest there are medical or capacity issues?

I'm not going to interpret any of this as legal advice, and child is seeking an opinion from an actual family law attorney, but a sibling is looking for a reality check and trying to determine whether they should get involved. Any guidance or links appreciated. Thanks!

alternatives to/improvements on nursing home care in the NY/NJ/CT area for an elderly person with disabilities

hilatron — Wed, 12 Jan 2005 08:22:20 -0800

I’m looking for alternatives to/improvements on nursing home care in the NY/NJ/CT area for an elderly person with disabilities. [+] I am my father’s legal guardian. He has mild multiple sclerosis, and uses a wheelchair to get around. He also has early-stage dementia: very poor short-term memory, poor judgment, mood swings, etc. He needs 24-hour supervision because he can’t manage his meds alone, needs help with personal care, and periodically tries to walk unaided or otherwise put himself in danger of a fall.

He is currently in a nursing home in NH, which provides for his physical needs but little else: he gets very little social contact except for visits from family, and this is the only mental stimulation that seems valuable to him (he can’t read well due to the memory problems; he doesn’t watch TV; he used to love listening to music but seems to have no initiative to do so now). I also fear that he is undergoing a process of learned helplessness. He seems content to let the staff of the nursing home do almost everything for him; and they fulfill this wish because it’s faster for the overworked nurses to do things like put on his pants for him than to help him do it himself. I’ve attempted to set things up so that he gets as much mental stimulation as possible, but it seems there’s only so much I can do within the framework of the institution. I’m afraid that his mental decline is going to be hastened by these factors, and he’s only 71.

Within the next year, I’m going to be moving from Massachusetts to NYC, and my father wants to move as well so he’ll be close to me and other family members. I’m hoping this will be a good opportunity to find a better living arrangement for him. The elderly services I’ve been able to investigate so far don’t seem to offer anything different from what he’s getting now: there seems to be a model for elderly care that runs from retirement communities to assisted living to nursing homes, with little variation in the services they provide.

I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with either a) facilities for the elderly/physically disabled that might be off the map and provide more personalized, creative care; or b) a way to create a care plan for him individually, either by adding services to what he receives from a nursing home, or with him living in a private apartment with aides. My main goal is to provide him with more meaningful day-to-day social contact, and to put him in a situation where the staff is committed to keeping him as independent as possible. Money is definitely an object – he’s on Medicaid right now. However, since Medicaid laws differ from state to state, I’m happy to do the research on financial viability if anyone has any leads at all – even nursing homes with good visiting volunteer programs would be better than what is available to him in NH. Thanks for reading this opus; any advice/discussion of these issues is welcome.