I want to want you, not need you

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 05:22:25 -0800

After a one and a half year period of celibacy and a general holiday from romance I am starting to see someone I really like. Can you help me deal with a whole lot of anxiety and needyness surrounding this? I'm very sorry for the bullet points but here goes. Relevant bits:

*I have a very long history of anxiety related issues, which have sometimes led to depression. Much of the last year and a half, mentioned above, was spent dealing with this - through therapy (mostly through CBT I think, but I don't know all the terms), self reflection, talking with others, etc. I'm more aware of my anxiety now than I ever have been and generally I feel it is well controlled and that I am healthy and fairly well balanced.

*Previous to the aforementioned romance holiday I was in a 12 year relationship (married for four-ish) that was co-dependent and very unhealthy towards the end. Leaving that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm certain it was absolutely necessary.

*I really, really, would like a functional, secure relationship that values the independence of both of us as well as nurtures each other. I have a number of such relationships with other close friends, but they're not romantic.

*I am getting quite anxious when texts aren't returned quickly, when we don't have a future activity arranged, when I don't know what she is thinking and so on. Some of this is probably just the usual start of relationship nervousness, I feel many elements of it are unhealthy though. I really object to my needyness and insecurity. (And really, why am I so insecure? I'm good at being happily single for god's sake.)

*My usually effective coping strategies (self talk, reflection, talking with others and so on) are not working as well as they normally do.

*My new relationship is with a person I find I have an enormous amount in common with, talk well with, find very attractive and is just as into me. We've talked a lot, made out and know there is something in the future for us but we are not yet really established or even formally together. Unfortunately, the sense that there is a great deal of potential is not helping, I've slightly less recently been out on a couple of other, less promising, dates without any anxiety beyond nerves. As an identity she's kind of irrelevant to this though, it's more about me and my actions/reactions. She seems to be secure and un-anxious.

*Seeing my psychologist would be good but due to her bookings, my currently insane worklife, a growing relationship (ha!) and just the general insanity of life, it's not very easy to do at the moment.

*Me: mid 30's, male, in Australia.

Advice? I'm all ears.

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I want to want you, not need you