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Friends shouldn't have an expiry date

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 14:54:49 -0800

I can't seem to keep any friends for more than two years. Why do I do this and how can I stop? (somewhat long, sorry) I don't have very many friends, but I tend to be very close to the four or five that I have at any given time, and we form into some sort of a group or circle. But almost inevitably, within two years or so, I find myself feeling like I'm tired of them or I've grown away from them, a new group of friends comes along, and the old one gets ditched (sometimes those first two events happen the other way around).

The thing is, I'm not sure that I really am tired of them. There have been groups where I can tell, objectively, that they are not as good to/for me as my old group, and yet when that two-year mark rolls along I suddenly want to spend all my time with the new people and end up treating the old ones like so much rubbish. I changed schools a lot when I was a kid - pretty much every year or every two years - so I never really have had a friend for longer than this time limit (except one; we've been friends 6 years. But she is the only one).

This question was precipitated by one of my most recent old-group friends sitting me down and telling me that I've barely been around at all, it feels like I'm blowing them off a lot of the time, they have no clue what's going on with me and I'm not saying anything. I've been really busy as a thesis student in a lab, so it hasn't been entirely this abandonment thing, but it's true that when I do have a little bit of spare time I try and spend it with my new friends or my new boyfriend (who, for the purposes of this question, I will count as a "friend", since I met him along with this new group).

On the one hand, I do still want to be friends with my old group, because they're really great people and probably better friends than the new group, who I only met through a joint project. On the other hand, I really don't seem to enjoy spending time with the old group the way I used to, and not nearly as much as I do time with the new group. On the gripping hand, what am I supposed to do or say? "Yeah, I've replaced you guys with new people"? "No, I still want to be friends, I'm just never going to put you guys first, and when I do hang out with you, I'm not going to have much fun"?

All of these feel like cruel and despicable things to say or even think. I'm beginning to feel like I shouldn't make friends anymore, if I'm just going to end up treating them like crap in a couple of years. Is this something that I can ever fix? How do I stop being a horrible person? Thank you for any help you can give; the guilt is crushing me right now. Throwaway email at iamfailfriend@gmail.com, if you'd rather answer there or want more info.

Have you met my new much much better than you boyfriend?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 09:41:59 -0800

Was in love with a friend. He is not in love with me. Haven't talked to him in 3 months, but find myself constantly having (childish) fantasies of him begging me back, going into a jealous rage when I've found someone else, and basically living with the horrible regret of throwing away his one chance at happiness. Must regain sanity and purge these thoughts. I realize these fantasies are utterly ridiculous and they actually make me very unhappy to think about. I always imagine bumping into him at a bar one night and him demanding to know if the friend I'm with is my boyfriend or trying to get me to go home with him, and then I tell him to go to hell and that he gave up the chance to be with me and now he just has to live with the fact I'm with someone else. It's all very dramatic. I just end up working myself up and then flashing back to reality that he's the one that rejected me, not the other way around, and that he is not sitting around pining for me.

In my defense, he wasn't straight about whether he was interested in me for the better part of a year and I feel like part of him led me on because it was a bit of an ego trip for him. It ended after I told him I didn't want to see him again until we cleared everything up between us, which led to a huge drunken fight several weeks later. To say things are over between us is the understatement of the century.

Despite that I've been casually dating someone else who I have a lot of fun with for awhile now, my mind always goes back to him. I know I have a lot of anger towards him, especially because prior to this he was one of my best friends and I feel like he owed it to me to be straight with me and he was anything but.

But the real issue is that my mind just keeps going back to these scenarios. I feel like every time I'm bored and my mind wanders I go back to these ridiculous revenge fantasies. So how do I stop my mind from going there? Besides these thoughts I feel like I've largely moved on. I don't want to talk to him (and we used to email back and forth all day so this is huge), I don't want to see him, I just really want him to see me, looking really good, with someone really hot and successful who saves orphans in Africa and is even smarter than him, but better than him because he isn't obsessed with football. You get the idea.

And I should say I've thought about therapy, but besides these thoughts I'm actually ok with the way things are. I'm glad that after years of wondering I know he doesn't want me and I can move on. I'm glad he is out of my life, there is just these thoughts.

Why can't I get over this breakup?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:44:26 -0800

The break-up was the logical, sane conclusion to my doubts about my ability to stay faithful. The relationship of a few years did not have a future in a happy marriage--I needed more experience and growth, she needed growth, period. So why, over half a year after I broke it off, am I still wondering if I made the right decision? Why can't I get her out of my head? The relationship was very good, the break-up was messy and hurtful. We've only really had total silence for the past month or two (four months after we were still talking fairly regularly, a bad idea in retrospect). I'm trying to move on, but am having a terrible time of it. I need some kind of coping strategy--I've been really busy with work, but haven't had much time for a social life or dating since I just moved to a new area. Is this normal? Can I get advice from anyone who has found themselves unable to let go of a relationship even when they knew it was not a good idea?

Need to move on...

pulled_levers — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:54:49 -0800

I just broke up with my boyfriend and I am heartbroken and super lonely in New York City. How can I keep myself busy and meet new people? Help me out NYC Mefites/ breakup advice givers! I just got out of one of those doomed-from-the-start relationships and I am having a really hard time recovering. It is especially difficult in an unfamiliar city without emotional support. Also, the ex is studying abroad and seems to be handling the break up a lot easier. He has told me that he's made many friends (all of them are female except for his roommate) and his steady neglect of our relationship has left me feeling really unwanted. I want to get out of that self-pitying rut.

I am not from NYC, but I accepted an unpaid summer internship in downtown Manhattan (I'm learning cool things, I promise) and I stay at my relative's apartment in Queens since they only come back on weekends. My nonexistent social life bothers me a lot. I sometimes go out to lunch with a few of the other interns, and we're friendly acquaintances but I'm not that interested in anything beyond that.

I want to make some new friends (maybe do some light dating) and involve myself in some cool and free (remember, unpaid intern) activities. I'm interested in urban planning, arts & music, sunshine, etc. I'm also planning to attend Tour de Queens, so that kind of stuff interests me as well. Generally, I'm up for learning and doing new things.

So what should my lonely, heartbroken self do to cheer up? Kind words of encouragement about how there are more fish in the sea would be appreciated too.

Also, I don't enjoy the bar/clubbing scene, so I won't be taking up recommendations on those.

Thanks!

How to become unstuck?

Anonymous — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:13:51 -0800

breakup filter: It's been two months after the end of a nearly 6 year relationship (this was also my first relationship, ever). I'm still having trouble letting go, but he, evidently, is not. Help me stop comparing my now-self to my then-self, me to him, and who-he-left-me-for to what-I-was-worth-to-him. 6 years of supporting him, encouraging him, and being supported and encouraged by him have led to this: 3 months ago he started seeing someone else, 2 months ago he told me about it, and then decided that I was a tumor to be excised. He changed the locks on our shared apartment, stole most of my things, threw the rest in the lobby of the building, and is now introducing her to his family and friends, without telling them anything about what happened to us (unsolicited, his sister recently emailed me to find out the real story - thus setting off this bout of crying over this).

I have gotten my life back on track since then: I've cut-off all contact (after his sister's email, I finally defriended all his friends and relatives - I don't think anyone but his mother now has even so much as my email address), I've found a fantastic job in a new city where I have wonderful support, and I've started working out (I've gone from 1 mile to 3 mile runs!). I have more plans for the future involving taking drawing lessons, joining meetup.com once I find a place to live, knitting thank-you sweaters for my friends and family, and getting a therapist once my benefits kick in. I am trying to do what needs to be done, and I'm trying to focus on the things that make me, as an individual, happy.

But the girl he left me for is also becoming a problem for me, in an unexpected way. She had been after him while I was living with him, and it was obvious to me (he always denied anything, and asked me "why don't you trust me?"), so I set out to meet her and try to diffuse my jealousy. And it worked! Because she was such a child. 10 years younger than my ex, still an undergrad in college (my ex was in the 3rd year of his PhD), and horribly awkward and nervous. Even my ex considered her ugly, and so I thought there wasn't really anything to worry about. And now, my self-doubt isn't coming from any comparisons of myself to her, but rather from the realizations of what my ex left me for. Was this all that it took to replace me? Six years of love, friendship, trust, support - everything I did for him, all replaced by this? A child - a naive, awkward, little girl with a crush?

On top of that, I can't seem to stop comparing how I'm dealing with this to what I know of how he's dealing with this. He's introduced his new girlfriend to his family - he's obviously not regretting ending a 6 year relationship to be with her, and it seems from this that he's not really thinking of me anymore at all. I think it's probably reasonable that I'm still thinking of him (it's only been 2 months for me...), but I would like to get some kind of mantra or something that I can repeat to myself when these sorts of comparisons come to mind. "This isn't helping" isn't helping, nor is "think about yourself" as I can't seem to force myself to do that when I'm in the pits. I need something stronger. It would help if it could cover "How could he do this to me" and "He could never have really loved me if he could treat me this way."

I am still somewhat just acting by rote through a lot of my life. I was initially excited about my job (it really is an amazing, fantastic job for me, and I can't believe it came along just when I needed it most), but even that's wearing off as I'm dwelling now on the past. Is this going to happen every time I go through a big change over the next year? When I move into a new apartment, when I start taking classes, or go on my first dates? What can I expect? How do I deal with this when it comes up? In six months time, I'd like to be independent again, and as strong or stronger than I ever was.

How do I get there from here? What can I repeat to myself when things start going downhill, emotions-wise?

She won't accept I've left her, I can't stop feeling terrible.

plechazunga — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:03:39 -0800

Why won't my ex move on? And am I ever going to stop feeling tied to her? Broke up with my girlfriend of 11 years about three weeks ago. Insurmountable problems which had existed for pretty much the entire relationship, but the honest truth is that I was too scared to leave. She was a best friend to me, but ultimately the arguments and sniping at each other proved too much to bear.

I knew this would be hard on both of us, and it is still early days, but now I have two problems:

1. She is NOT accepting it. She hasn't told any of her friends or family, and on the rare occassions when we do speak, she is highly emotional. Although I broke up with her, it feels impossible to NOT care about her and be upset about what she's going through, which is ultimately my fault. Additionally, when we speak there is a subtext to all of her comments, which is that essentially she feels that I am just going through a temporary madness and eventually I will realise my mistake. How can she/I cope with this, how can I help her/me?

2. Before I actually broke it off, I would lie awake all night thinking about why it was the right thing to do, and most of my days were consumed with thinking about how much I had to get away from her. Now it seems that literally the moment I walked away, all of these feelings disappeared. It's like a part of my memory has been washed away - I know I did feel that way at one point, but now it seems like a distant memory. Why is this?

Currently I just seem to vacillate between just being numb, to feeling terribly sad and scared, hyperventilating and generally feeling confused, which is really affecting my work.

Bonus complication: shortly after breaking up I became involved, rather intensely, with a girl from work. Massive mistake I know, but right now I really like her and I am additionally upset that I don't give her the relationship she deserves. God I am an idiot.

I cannot get back together with her (ex gf). We did break up for about a week five years ago, and eventually I caved and grudgingly got back with her (my fault, I know), and then spent the next six years resenting myself and her whenever we next started arguing. Sorry this is so long.

post-breakup fallout

Anonymous — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:24:39 -0800

Questions on post-breakup insomnia, anxiety, and making decisions about my future. I'm a 26 year old female, coming out of a bad breakup. My ex and I were together for 5 years (living together since Sept), until he cheated on me while I was away visiting relatives. What was supposed to be a two-week stay with my sister has now been a month, and I'm being encouraged to consider settling down in my sister's city. My sister has a strong personality, and I've been appreciating her pushing me to work through this and apply for jobs. She would like to have me around (in part, I think, b/c I'm a bit of a project for her - which I appreciate at the moment, as I've got no drive of my own), but she's incredibly busy in her own grad program. It has been a rough few weeks though, and I'm finding I can't cope with looking for work, finding an apartment, and planning for a future that up till 2 weeks ago I thought I would share with the love of my life.

I was unemployed while living with my boyfriend, having recently graduated from an MA program in a not terribly useful field. My university is in a different country, so I can't simply move back and try to find work there, where I'd be comfortable. I moved down to be with him, after years of a long-distance relationship - my end goal was to get into a library program, but I didn't apply for next year as both he and I were planning to go abroad next year. The unemployment was unpleasant, but I thought temporary.

My family and friends have been wonderful, and very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for more from them. Which makes me upset that I have to continue asking for more - I've been with my sister and her husband for so long already, and I know they'd like their lives back. But without a job, and being thrown out of my apartment, and not having any savings of my own, I'm at a loss for what else to do.

I've been looking for jobs in this city, as well as another where I have a few friends (on the other coast). Nothing's come through. My sister is encouraging me to take a retail job and get my own sublet, to get some of my independence back, and I think I'd like to, only I'm incredibly anxious about moving out here. In this city, I only have her and her husband, and I'm worried about relying on them too much. I'm also incredibly awkward socially, and the thought of living with strangers is a bit daunting after how comfortable I had been on my own and then with my boyfriend.

Also, I think my indecisiveness about where to live and what to do is not being helped by my insomnia. Ever since this happened, two weeks ago, I've been waking up every night at 2:30, usually staying awake till 6 and then getting another hour or two (if I'm lucky) before I get up for good. At night, as soon as I wake up, I relive everything about my relationship, thinking on all the details of our lives together, and how my current situation simply isn't possible. And then I relive, over and over again, the cold way he told me it was over, that he found someone new, that he wanted my stuff packed and out of the house.

He has become another person altogether. While he was sweet and supportive while we were together (5 years is a long time, I had grown to trust him more than anyone), he's now nothing but callous to me. A week after the breakup, I had a friend write to him trying to work out how my stuff would be retrieved. He wrote back that he intended to keep half of the furniture I had brought with me from my previous apartment, that he would not pay back the money we had borrowed from my mother to pay rent ($2000), and that he wanted my stuff out as soon as possible. My sister thinks I should just write off all that as a loss - our parents had a terrible divorce, and she'd rather see me cut all ties and move on than live with that kind of extended animosity.

I'm trying to get over this as best I can, and move on with my life. I'm trying to tell myself that I've just graduated from my grad program this month, and am now looking for work in the two cities where I know people, my sister in one and friends in the other. I've started running. I'm trying to think of practicalities instead of emotions (eg: if I stay here, in my sister's town, I'll be eligible for in-state residency & tuition in 1 year, and the uni here has a fantastic library program). As much as I want to crawl up in a ball and pray that all of this never happened, I know that I have to deal with it.

So, my questions are complex and multiple. With no job to distract me, how can I move on from a breakup? Should I stay in a city I don't know (and now associate with this breakup), where I might potentially, eventually begin a library program? Or do I get on a flight, go back to my home coast (closer to him) and move in with friends (who will only be living there for a year)? Is it better to start over and be potentially isolated, or to go back and continue being stuck in a temporary position?

But if you can only answer one question it'd be this: How can I start sleeping through the night again?

moving.through.it@gmail.com

I am going to make it through this year/if it kills me.

piratebowling — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 09:16:19 -0800

This last year was not a good one for me. I'm looking for recommendations for music and mental exercises to move on and make this next year a better one. So my life took a very frustrating turn this last year, beginning precisely on my birthday. As a result, I had to abandon a relationship I was quite happy with and pick up my life and start over (twice!) in one year. I am professionally back to where I was a year ago and socially trying to build a new groups of friends.

With my birthday coming up soon, I am approaching it with a weird mix of fear and relief. I want to just cleanse my mind and go forward with the thought that "Well, next year can't be any worse." What writing or mental exercises can I undertake to acknowledge this last year, but also get ready to dust myself off and move on? What music should I be playing to inspire and psyche myself up for a new year? (I have been playing This Year a lot in the past couple days, which is a good start, but I need more.)

When I was young me and my mama had beef

prefpara — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 09:09:32 -0800

How do I let go of the past? When I was growing up, my mom and I fought constantly. Sometimes, the fights were very bitter, and we would end up not speaking for months. During the worst fights, she said things to me that I have not forgiven. I definitely behaved badly, but I have been working on letting go of my guilt on that score, which has really helped us have a better relationship now that I am an adult and out of the house. However, I think I have reached a plateau. We don't fight, and we generally get along when we're together, but I can't get myself to include her in my life in any way. I want to have a good relationship with her, but I don't know what to do to get there.

I'm starting to think that at some point, I will have to talk to her about these issues. This is complicated by the fact that any time my childhood comes up, she starts crying and saying that she was a bad mother, which I resent and see as a manipulative move meant to make me feel sorry for her and reassure her, and to take away my ability to confront her with my feelings. Also, it works. I can't very well say, yes, you were a bad mother, and what are we going to do about it, when she just cries and generally acts wounded and makes me feel like a villain. Or maybe I should, but currently can't. In part, this is because I really don't know what I would want out of the conversation. I would tell her that she did x, y, and z wrong, she would cry, and then what? I can't visualize a way for the conversation to help or end constructively.

I really want to work on this on my own before I start working on it with her. Right now, despite the fact that she hasn't said a cross word to me in years, I am still incapable of opening up to her.

If you have had experience with a similar situation, please let me know if you think there are any ways of thinking about this that could be useful, or if you can suggest a way to talk to her, or really any advice that you have. I would like it if I didn't need to keep a wall between me and my mom. I just don't know how to unbuild it.

Finally, I very much appreciate all of your advice and help. However, I am hoping for answers that contain advice other than "seek therapy."

It's ok if you don't call

telephasic — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 22:46:15 -0800

Dumped. She said we'd talk again, but I've come to realize that I don't want her back in my life, and would rather not speak with her again. So why can't I stop mentally preparing for a call that may never actually come? Me: 29, active social life, great job, but not very experienced with dating. Slightly damaged from past quasi-relationships (apparently I'm quite useful as a temporary guy to rebuild someone's damaged self-esteem). Been through the "figuring things out" crapfest that is the mid-20's, and for the most part, feel stable and good about where I am in life. Am ok being alone, but after turning my life around and having been single for almost all of my 20's, I'm ready to share my time with someone.

Her: 24, a month away from starting grad school in the city, unsure and confused about a lot of things in life. One of the cool kids in high school and college, and thus, has dated a lot more than me. Before me, dumped her BF of nearly two years who had by her account enveloped her life. Wants to prove to herself that she can be independent and wants to spend time outside school and work reconnecting with friends.

We dated for 6 intense and drama-filled months. Since she had just got out of a serious (and exhausting) relationship two months prior, I think she may have originally subconsciously used me to fill a physical and emotional gap in her life. Three breakups due to her not feeling ready. First was one month in, lasted one day. Second was one month later, lasted one week. Both times she missed me and called first. From that point on, she kept saying that while she liked me so very much, she was scared to get into something serious, and that to her, being with me was only inevitably moving towards a long term relationship. She admitted that she was falling for me pretty hard, but was resisting because she was in an odd place in her life and didn't feel ready. Over the last couple of months, though, she would say things like "I'm just afraid that I'm going to wake up one day and you'll be gone, and I won't be able to deal with that". While crying.

Third breakup: Two months ago. It had happened twice before so I was pretty much resigned to the fact that it was over. This one has stuck, maybe because she really wanted to be alone for a while (as she put it during the call), or maybe because of a new guy (more likely, but not sure if there is one, as I've made no effort to find out what she's up to), and I'm ok with that. I want her to be happy, and I know that while she said that she was scared and wasn't ready for a relationship, that probably just meant that she didn't want to be with me. If she has more in common with someone else, and he makes her happy, then that's great.

After a month I realized that while I am feeling incredibly lonely, I don't miss her. I miss the affection and the closeness, but we really didn't have much in common beyond that, and most of the time outside of meeting up for dinner was spent either in bed or talking through one of the various dramatic situations that popped up in her life. That being said, there were times when we both felt an incredible connection with each other, and we had often commented on how those times felt so right. Part of me feels that maybe it was just bad timing, and had she been in a better spot in her life, this could have been something great. In the end, though, I realize that she's just not the right person for me to be with. Regardless, it was all so emotionally taxing that I'm now glad it's over.

So, the crux of the matter:

When the breakup call was winding down, I made it a point to wish her luck in grad school and with whatever she may do down the road. I truly meant this, as I care for her and wish her well. However, her reply to this was quick, saying not to make any grand statements like that, because we were going to talk again. When I protested, she cut me off and adamantly stated, "No...we WILL talk again." I have a feeling that maybe she'll call one day when she's either lonely or ready for something long-term. Probably lonely. I think deep down, she had some pretty intense feelings for me, probably more intense than I ever felt for her, and those feelings scared her.

Is her being so adamant about it as weird as I think? Is this a sneaky way to make sure she stays on my mind while avoiding being the bad guy? If she were to call, is there some sort of general cooling-off period before someone attempts contact? While I don't really want to speak with her again, I have this nagging feeling that she's going to call and I'm going to need to be prepared. It's obvious from writing this that I still have some sort of feeling for her. We both tended to over-analyze things (obviously), so I know that anything she said wasn't said flippantly. She made some pretty big statements about her feelings towards me, so I think it's possible that eventually she'll call. I know what it feels like to be a rebound, and with the emotions involved, I don't think that was the case here.

If you've ever personally said or heard this, what was the result? More importantly, how do I stop thinking about this seemingly inevitable call? I just want to move on, but even though I've cut her completely from my daily life, my brain won't let go. I even have a couple of women interested in dating me, but I don't want to unless I know I'm not just going to use them to not be lonely.

Apologies for the length, but writing it out in and of itself has been cathartic. Thank you in advance for any answers, anecdotes, or anything else you may be able to offer.

Like a snake sheds its skin.

gursky — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:29:51 -0800

Why do I seem to "change" friends every 2-3 years? This is not a thread about how to make friends, or how to repair past friendships. The truth is, I am pretty good at making friends and I don't have trouble in new social situations.

What I'm curious about, though, is that every 2-3 years, I seem to change my circle of friends. It doesn't happen consciously or intentionally, but I seem to stop spending time with the same 6 or 7 people and I start pursuing other groups. I am well aware that it is common to change friends throughout life (i.e. many people just retain their closest 2 or 3 friends from high school, and make a fresh start in university/the working world). I am not distressed by these changes. I just want to know why.

Possible factors I have brainstormed include: in 90% of my friendships, the effort I put into it (e.g. thoughtfulness or kindness) is not reciprocated; perhaps I have a poor friendship attention span; maybe my love of travel and change extends to this area of my life, too?

I don't think it is because of: compatability issues (the friends I have "shed" have always been ones with whom I shared common interests and got along with); a mutual desire to end the friendship (usually it's just me who, well, moves on); moving a lot (I was not uprooted as a child, so I don't think this stems from a childhood phenomenon).

What got me thinking about this was my preparation to leave university next year, and I am not too worried or anxious about "shedding" my friends. Don't get me wrong - I love my close friends and roommates...but I can see the "shedding" happening again. It isn't that we've grown apart or that we no longer enjoy the same things. In fact, throughout my life, I have been rather consistent in my interests - but I still don't maintain friendships for very long.

(Exception: My best friend and I have been friends for 7 years now, and I do maintain 1 friendship from high school)

Any idea why?

You can't be President - you took a nude photo 10 years ago! So you're a bad person!

divabat — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 18:13:32 -0800

Does doing anything sex-industry-related (from taking a nude photo to actually working as a prostitute or exotic dancer) actually damn you from ever living a successful life in another area? Has anyone ever managed to be known and respected in their field without falling into "OMG SHE POSED NUDE" controversy? I've noticed lately that no matter how successful or respected someone is in their field, if they've dabbled in something vaguely "sexually deviant" in the past, it comes back to haunt them and suddenly their respect level goes down (for example, Heather Mills or Vanessa Hudgens). Often it's something as innocuous as an old nude photo taken years before they were famous.

I personally find this a bit disturbing as it implies that nudity/sexuality is something terrible and disgusting, and since it affects women more, I find this rather misogynistic. However, I would like to know if anyone has ever managed to beat this societal expectation by not being "tarnished" by past sexual activity.

All those people that pose for artsy nude photos (or heck, even porn) - is it possible for them to get a more respected (by society) career or life without those old photos haunting them? I know of people who supported themselves through grad/law school by stripping, but does their past strip club job affect their future career negatively?

I'm sure that people who have worked in the sex industry in the past can (and do) move on to careers and lifestyles that are more society-supported (in a sense). This isn't a question of "are strippers really smart enough to study law". I'm wondering more about the societal impact - whether any of their work now would be tarnished by their past work.

(I'm also curious because I've been thinking about getting some artsy semi-nude or nude photos for personal reasons, or even getting involved in art projects that involve some level of nudity - but my family is somewhat in the public eye locally and we come from a conservative society, so I dread the idea that my dad could be knocked off his job or that all my activism work becomes useless because of one photo someone dug up from years ago. People have dug up old comments about my financial situation to use against me, so this is very possible.)

How do I move on when I can't stop moving?

Help, I can't stop talking! — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 06:30:54 -0800

Help, I can't stop working or loving! How can I move on when I can't pause long enough to get over my relationship? Speed my heart-mending, Mefites. Yesterday, my six-month relationship with a boy I love dearly ended. Normally, I would spend the next week holing up in my apartment with blankets, junk food, and movies that make me cry. Sadly, I am rehearsing a play and working 40 hours a week, so I have very little time to myself. It would be unhealthy to simply set my grief aside until the show closes on Sunday, but I'm not sure how to address my feelings in a natural, healthy way on a tight schedule. I'm not suggesting that I should be over him by the end of the week, but I would like to at least get the ball rolling instead of bottling it all up. Can anyone suggest cathartic but contained behaviors that will help me move forward?

Since I fell for you

the luke parker fiasco — Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:47:31 -0800

How can I get over the heartbreak that ensues over what was essentially a no-strings fling between two friends? This guy and I were introduced to one another by a mutual friend, when he was in town visiting. We spent some time together in groups--not much, but enough to develop an instant connection and a latent mutual attraction. As he lived several states away, I didn't think of it as much more than a harmless crush on an intelligent, attractive, interesting person.

We got fairly electronically friendly, exchanging long, rambling emails on a regular basis, and had a couple of phone conversations. After about six months of this, he had an event to attend in my neck of the woods, at which he invited me to join him. We spent a wonderful, amazing, incredibly fun and physically intimate week together. His leaving was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--worse than my father's death, worse than the ending of a three-year relationship. I was utterly wrecked, and in many ways I still am.

This was completely unexpected, which is part of why it hit me as hard as it did. I'd known I had a crush, but never foresaw that I would end up feeling as strongly for him as I did. For his part, he made it clear from the outset that he wasn't looking for a commitment, and I was okay with that at the time. But after spending that time with him, and feeling so comfortable and happy in his presence, it was indescribably painful to return to my solitary lifestyle (which I had been happy with until then).

Since then our interaction has regressed into casual friendship, with sporadic-at-best communication (he entered into a graduate program soon after the incident in question, which can partially explain the drop in communication). It's clear that he doesn't share the ongoing feelings I'm experiencing, and looked at the incident as an opportunity to spend time with a friend and act on a mutual attraction, and nothing more.

It's been close to a year, and the pain of missing him is still so strong that at times it's physically debilitating. A stray memory or unexpected reminder can be enough to bring me to tears. Despite myself, he's first in my thoughts when I make long-term plans--what might he be doing then? When something good happens, the first thing I want to do is talk to him about it. I want to know what his life is like, to hear what he's doing and where he's going, but I don't feel that I'm in a position to ask. I haven't so much as thought of anyone else as far as a relationship or a romantic interest is concerned, and have no interest in being with anyone but him.

Intellectually, I've come to accept the fact that nothing more will ever come of this--if he had any feelings for me beyond casual friendship, they would have manifested themselves in some way by now. But I can't stop thinking about him, and the emotional side of me can't quite give up on the irrational hope that there's some sort of future here.

How do I get over this? How can I kill these feelings? How can I turn this person from a painful reminder of all I want in a partner, and all that might have been, into a casual friend again? Or do I just need to make the decision to let contact die out, and accept that he's now a part of my past?

(To that end ... I'll be leaving the country shortly, for a period of years, and have the opportunity to make a short visit before I go. I'm tempted to do so, in the meaningless-line-in-the-sand sort of way--using this face-to-face meeting as a way to say goodbye, in my own mind, and put our active friendship behind me [though I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this is partially motivated my my desire to see him one more time as well, but also because he's an interesting, intelligent, engaging person who I enjoy talking to]. Good idea, or bad idea?)

Getting over it

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jun 2005 09:06:52 -0800

So how do you get over a bad relationship, anyway? For a couple of years, I had a good relationship with my partner in California - we lived in a beachfront apartment, shared a great job, made good money, and had a pretty great life for awhile. Then my best friend, who I'd known online, came out for a visit - which, long story short, turned into him moving in and the three of us became a threesome. (Yes, I wanted that at the time - and that was the biggest mistake of my life.)

You can probably guess what happened next... my lover and my former-best-friend (FBF) slowly fell more in love with each other, and out of love with me. The FBF and I both came from unhealthy living situations in the South, and part of the reason I brought him out to be with us in California was to show him a good life - and he ended up taking my life practically from A to Z. He took over my apartment, my job, my most important material possessions, my partner, my entire California life... he's even starting his own career in my artistic profession, doing work in my style, the creative work I mentored him in. (And I thought this sort of thing only happened in bad B-movies...)

And I'm okay with that, to the degree I can accept that as what I had coming to me, for being stupid enough to enter into this kind of relationship with someone who I already knew, from all the years that I'd known him, had more issues than Newsweek. Part of me still loves them and misses them like hell, god help me, and there's a lot of other things about that life I do miss, but generally I'm so much happier and healthier where I am now. I have a great new job, some very promising things in the works, and I'm even in the early stages of seeing someone new. So life could be a lot worse for me right now.

But I'm just having so much trouble letting go of the anger. And this is completely new for me, because I've never been a truly angry person; I've been raped, and seen my sister murdered, and I've never felt half as angry towards the people who did those things as I am to my FBF. Which, yes, I know is all out of proportion, and that's part of the problem... but then, I never loved my rapist, or the man who murdered my sister. (I'm angry, too, at my lover for letting it happen, but I know part of that blame is mine - I was the one who wanted this three-way relationship at first, he didn't, and the FBF and I pressured him into it.) And I'm angry at myself, most of all, for not seeing what was happening until it was too damned late. (Talking to either of them, by the way, is not an option for many reasons, some of which involve lawyers.) My FBF is someone who's spent his life consumed by darkness and anger - where I rarely if ever felt anger before, it was second nature for him - and now, as he's becoming me, I see myself becoming him... and that scares the hell out of me. I've always been a very loving and trusting person - far too trusting for my own good, obviously - and despite all this, I don't want to lose that, for the sake of the guy I'm seeing now, and for my own sake; I don't want to let him take that away from me, too. He's taken enough.

What have some of you done to get over bad breakups, or anger and bitterness in general? How do you find your inner peace again, basically?

Thanks for reading... sorry if this is overlong (I've tried to leave out as much as I could, without sacrificing the basic sense).