Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mourning

Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

NikitaNikita — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:33:07 -0800

Death, mourning, family, and holidays: How to prepare for the holidays in a post-Dad world? Can I have your tips about entering into the holiday season right after my dad's death?

My Dad died a few weeks ago, somewhat unexpectedly. He was 71 and he had some heart problems for some time, but I didn't expect him to go now, since he had been so sick but then recovered many times in the past.

For the holidays, it was always my mom, my dad and I as a core unit (I'm an only child). For example, in recent years' thanksgivings we might have had one or two of my friends come out to dinner with us, but otherwise it was really just the 3 of us. The Christmas tradition was just the three of us meeting up in a random US city to spend time together, exchange gifts, eat dinner out and see a new city over the course of a few days.

I'm going through a lot/feeling really weird and out of sorts right now. I expect it to be worse over the holidays. Are there any tips on how to prepare ?

One Thanksgiving option is an invite from a family friend to join them, but I feel like this might make me more depressed seeing a happy "whole/complete" family altogether. If that makes sense? But then I wonder if it will feel even more lonely with just my mom and I. Additionally, it would be a good time around Thanksgiving to go to my parents' house and work on sorting out my dad's paperwork, etc, but my mom is torn between getting that done and getting away from the house to clear her hear.

Thanks in advance for any advice here.

I feel like I've been hit by a Mac truck.

big open mouth — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 19:38:40 -0800

Coming-of-age Filter: My world is coming crashing down. Is this a sign? Should I just soldier on? How? Trying to be a rock-em sock-em robot and get back on the horse. Details inside. So, last week was up there among the worst weeks of my life. After having some seriously frustrating days at school (full time college student) and dealing with the resulting work and hardships I came to the conclusion that it was a good idea for me to move out of my boyfriend's apartment. I posted a question here and got some very encouraging responses, the timing felt right, so I told my boyfriend I wanted to move out. It wasn't necessarily the end to our relationship, I felt I needed the liberty and thought it might help salvage something out of our relationship if I played my cards right in the move out, but I tried to be understanding of however he'd take it. He seemed pretty understanding and we went forward. The next morning, however, more fell apart.

My sister woke me after only a few hours of sleep to tell me that my grandmother, my last grandparent, passed away of a stroke in the night. She had been miserable for a long time, especially since my grandfather passed in 2005 and her health declined to the point of complete bed rest. I witnessed first hand some very serious times with her health while I was in high school. Since then I've moved away and I'm in college, trying to live my life. Being poor and lacking a car I wasn't able to visit her nearly as much as I'd have liked, at the same time I was incredibly afraid to speak with her. The whole situation made me so sad that I distanced myself and didn't call her nearly as much as she deserved. She died lonely, and I waited too long to say many things that were really important for me to say.

Regardless, the news shook me. After working both of my jobs on Friday evening I headed out at 6 am with my family in a giant carpool back to Virginia Saturday morning. I rode with my emotionally unstable mother most of the way, and issues with her rollercoaster mood swings persisted throughout the weekend. I had to email my professors because I had to miss school and had to get my shifts covered for the weekend at my jobs. The funeral was hard, I cried a lot. It was the end of a chapter of my entire family's life and there's no telling what's going to happen next.

After a long and stressful drive home today with my pregnant sister, brother in law and 3 y.o. nephew I just wanted to get home, to my boyfriend's house. As the evening progressed, despite my excitement at seeing my boyfriend and desire to simply recuperate and feel the sadness of the weekend, my boyfriend called me out about my recent moods. He basically outlined absolutely every doubt and concern I'd had about the relationship and completely pegged my intentions in the long term. He broke up with me, saying it was unfair for me to be with him if I wasn't in love with him.

In the next weeks I have to complete insane makeup work, get back in the swing of things, find an apartment, move out....

I feel I've been run over by a truck and I don't know how to recover. I know I was coming to terms with the inevitable need to break up with my boyfriend, but tonight was perhaps the least convenient time for my rattled and depleted self to lose such an important part of my life. Now I am here, living in my ex boyfriend's apartment until I find a new place.

So tell me, is it unfair that I was going to give it time after the move-out to see what things would be like? Should I only be with someone if I am madly in love with them?

I'm afraid the stress may all pile up and seem insurmountable, has anyone ever been where I am before? Has everything fallen apart and been restored to working order? I don't have the ability to take a break from anything, so I need to be able to take on each of these challenges face-to-face.

My apologies if this is sort of talky or is just me complaining. Report it if you'd like, I wouldn't be surprised after this week if it gets deleted. I just.... need to talk to someone. All of a sudden my friends have all disappeared into their own lives and my family is consumed with the recent loss. I am truly alone and confused.

Pet ashes to ashes, dust to dust

kitkatcathy — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 08:24:10 -0800

Our dog died yesterday... should we keep his ashes? If yes, what should we do with them? Elmo the family dog, a 14 year old Shih-Tzu, died yesterday. I'm devastated (I can barely type this without crying); even though he was OLD and we knew this was coming for years, it was still a shock to return home after work and find his poor little body lying cold and stiff on the floor. I have been put in charge of deciding whether we want his ashes back after cremation. Yes, I realize this should be a family decision but everyone has (unfairly) turned to me to decide.

Catch: I need to decide by end of today.

The main argument against getting the ashes is horribly pragmatic - we wouldn't know what to DO with them. Elmo has always been an indoor dog: as puppy, he was raised in a Hong Kong apartment and has stayed even more indoors as he aged these last few years. Consequently, there's nowhere I can think of to scatter his ashes - no favourite outdoor spot, not even in our own yard. If we kept his ashes in an urn, what do we do with them years down the road? Do I (and it will be me, since I'm making this decision), 50 years down the road, want to be that weird old lady shlepping her puppy ashes from place to place, only to eventually have them thrown out by someone else after I'm gone?

On the other hand, the thought of his remains being chucked out en masse to the municipal garbage dump is almost too horrible to contemplate right now.

Has anyone decided NOT to keep ashes and later regretted the decision? Or vice-versa? Also, ideas to memorialize a beloved pet are welcome.

For I have known a sorrow such as yours, and understand.

Alligator — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:36:01 -0800

How can I feel less alone in my grief? A close friend of mine from school died a year ago today. I had only know him for a year, but he was what I would call a kindred spirit. I treasured our new friendship, and I was ecstatic about the times we had ahead. He helped me through some difficult times when I didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to.

Right now, I'm living very far away from home. I'm living in what also happens to be his hometown. I don't have any friends here that knew him. I know that his family, his old significant other, his old friends, etc. are all here in town, and I can't help but feel jealous and isolated in my mourning when I know that so close are all of these people who have each other for support. They can cry, and share memories, and laugh, and go to memorial services and whatever else... while I just sort of sit in my room to feel alone and sorry for myself.

Right now, no matter what I'm doing, in the back of my mind there is always the thought that, "He's dead. He's dead. He's dead." I know this will continue as his birthday and my birthday are both coming up very soon.

Anyway, what can I do to feel less alone in this? I've been tempted to write a letter to his mom about how much he meant to me, but I'm not sure if that's out of line. I'm scared to contact any of his friends from high school because I feel like I'm not worthy or something. I feel weird asking people who didn't know him to take part in memorializing him. Maybe things to read or something. I'm not really sure.

Help me grieve for my pug

yodelingisfun — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:32:13 -0800

I had to put my 13 year old pug to sleep last night. I'm just devastated. I know it's really soon but I did have some time to think about it all since she had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure in November. Reba was my best friend and I'd really like to DO something, anything to honor her memory and maybe somehow make me feel a little better. I know there are a lot of pet lovers here, what things helped you get through this situation? I opted to not have her ashes returned to me so that's out but otherwise, I'm just...lost.

Cousin reconnected.

frosty_hut — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 22:05:41 -0800

Forgotten relations have parachuted into my life...Can I make them useful? A few months ago, my mother's sister's husband rang me up. I hadn't seen him since my dad's funeral in 1992. He said he wanted to get in touch, and I was interested -- why not, I figured. Both my parents are dead and I have no family, other than an uncle on the east coast I rarely see (although I do have wonderful in-laws). And since my parents have been gone, I've been longing for someone to talk to about them.

Anyway, how to condense this? So my uncle by marriage is 87 and still charming. He took me to lunch a few times, spared no expense, and seemed fun and interested in my life and chatty. I was slightly disappointed that he didn't have much information about my mother. I don't know why I crave it so much, but it seems to me that my mother suffered a lot in her marriage to my dad, and that I was kept out of a lot of what was going on. In a way I've been dreading knowing more, but having this person around who was a link to old times and early memories and a possible source of interesting stories really excited me.

So my uncle has been wonderful, but he doesn't really care to talk about my folks. Enter his daughter, my cousin Gail. She started emailing me with an obsessive interest--at first. She was apologetic, almost humble, and said she felt bad that she deserted me at the time of my parents' deaths. It was okay, I said -- it's never too late to reach out, etc. But I was curious about why she wanted to get in touch again. We never really knew each other at all, what with a 20-year age difference and being in different cities. I knew that she and my uncle had had some dispute with my father just before he died, and I don't think they ever made it up with him before he passed on. I imagine a lot of what's behind their urge to connect with me is guilt-driven. But I'm not sure.

So I meet up with Gail (this is the first time I've seen her in about 30 years) and her father, my uncle, and gail's husband, and my uncle's wife, and my husband, and we have brunch in a weird, dark restaurant, and we promise to stay in touch, and since then I haven't heard from my uncle at all.

I'm wondering what I said or did, but the contact has stopped. I could call him, and I might... but I'm not sure I want to. He tells the same stories over and over, and has the wrong kind of approach to my mother: "She was a beautiful woman! Her figure was perfect!" Kind of pervy and not really what I'm after.

Gail has cancer, it turns out, and now I'm on her cancer email group list. I guess I'm flattered. I'm learning all about her illness, but I still don't really know her. She keeps saying she's going to invite us to visit her (she lives a few hundred miles away), but hasn't actually offered a specific date. She's cooled off quite a bit since meeting me and my husband. But I'm still on the damned email list.

I'm left with the feeling that I didn't measure up somehow, in a contest I never knew I was enrolled in. It's like, Hey, hi, I'm in your life now! Oh, hey, bye, I'm busy now, I'm not in your life anymore! My thought over this is just one gigantic WTF.

The only way Gail could be important to me, other than taking the time to get to know me, which she's obviously both too busy and too sick to do, would be to tell me what she remembers of my mother, her aunt. I feel like writing to her and saying, Gail, frankly I'm mainly interested in you because you're my last living link to my mother. You've hinted there's more to my mother's life than I was ever aware of, and you've suggested that you'd be willing to share that with me. I would appreciate it if you'd write down everything you can remember about her."

I don't want to imply that I have no other use for Gail, but she really milks her illness to an offensive extent. She seems to be expecting a certain reaction or involvement from me that I simply can't muster. I've never been seriously ill myself and I don't know what it's like, but I think it's rude that she only wanted to make contact with me in order to have another mourner at her funeral. I just need to know the things I need to know. If she wanted to put in some time to get to know me, or even just to exchange a few emails about something other than her doctor visits and her medications, I'd be willing. But I'm obviously not important enough to her to be worth that effort.

I apologize for the open-ended quality of the question, but please let me know your impressions and how you think I should approach talking to Gail about the only thing about her that means anything to me: her connection to my deceased mother.

Dimming the lights on Broadway?

Oriole Adams — Sat, 15 Sep 2007 21:37:02 -0800

BroadwayFilter: My Google-fu is failing me... When did the tradition of dimming the marquee lights on Broadway in mourning or as a sign of respect begin? And who was the first person so honored? I found one "This Day in History" post from 1977 that said the lights were dimmed for Alfred Lunt, who had just passed away, and that that was only the third time such a tribute had been made. Any other info, such as the selection process as to who gets recognized, is appreciated as well.

passing of a dog...

jare2003 — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 07:43:32 -0800

My mother's dog (part of our family for 10 years) passed away last night of major sudden medical problems. My mother is in her late 50s, divorced, and lives alone - and considered the dog practically one of her children. How can I help her through this better? I live 30 miles from her, by the way. She's terribly upset right now and doesn't know lots of people in the area (the dog has been central to her life in many ways)

Does anyone know the kind of book I'm aiming for?

Ash3000 — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 12:03:52 -0800

Are there any books you think a smart, grieving preteen would find comforting or of use? More details inside. I'll try to get what the situation is with as few details as possible, unless further information is really needed.

I have a relative, who is 13 years old to my 22. We'll call him Bobby. Bobby is a smart, shy and sweet kid, who loves all sorts of standard 12-year-old-things (e.g. the red sox and the star wars prequel trilogy) and is very quietly perceptive of people around him. He's a great kid, and the oldest of three.

I was planning, for this holiday season (the end of chanukah, specifically, when I get back home from college) to give everyone a book as a gift this year - nothing too bank-breaking as I'm a starving student, but something I thought each person would genuinely enjoy and perhaps find thought-provoking, suited to their interests. Thinking of the books I might have wished someone handed me in the 10-13-year-old area, I was originally going to go with either
Surely you’re joking, Mr. Feynman!, Culture Jam, or Good Omens.

In the past three weeks, his grandmother, whom he is close to (and who is way too young for this) has gotten very sick, very quickly, and is likely to pass this week. All of a sudden, my suggested books seem a little lacking somehow - each is either flippant or political, a little empty under the circumstances.

I don't want to give him a book which is blatantly like, "So you're a grieving preteen, eh?" or anything transparently about a grandparent's death, etc etc. Nothing pat and tacky and thoughtless. But maybe something which, though it's not on the surface "about death," can provide some measure of comfort to a person in this situation. I guess it's more a feeling than a theme I'm thinking about. I have come up with three that seem somewhat what I'm aiming for:

Dear Mr. Henshaw, by Beverly Cleary,
Danny The Champion of the World, by Roald Dahl, and
The Little Prince, by Antoine St.-Exupery

I guess the best way to put it is a book which has both wonderfulness and melancholy, though the former ultimately triumphs; a book that as a smart pre-teen makes you both grin and cry but ultimately finish feeling like the world is an okay place. Does anyone have any thoughts on this matter, or even know what I'm trying to get at? This might just be a stupid idea, I'm in the middle of grieving myself.

Listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock my soul.

nixxon — Sat, 11 Nov 2006 03:38:57 -0800

Calling all DeadHeads: I'm going through some bad, hard-to-deal-with shit right now, and am looking for some music to help see me through. Jerry's guitar always brings me to a better place, so I'm looking for some Grateful Dead or Jerry Band shows that are soothing and mellow, and ideally, available on archive.org. I'm not really up for listening to anything with much of a party vibe. Other suggestions for music that has helped you through hard times would also be much appreciated. Thanks all.

Sad little puppy

substrate — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 05:08:07 -0800

One of my sisters dogs had to be put to sleep due to cancer, her other dog, a Jack Russel Terrier is really taking it hard. She won't eat, isn't playful and mopes around the other dog's bed. Right now I'm mostly worried about the lack of food, she's a small dog, any suggestions on what to do?

What to bring to a shiva?

LilBucner — Tue, 23 Aug 2005 10:05:43 -0800

What should I bring to a shiva? For those not in the know, a shiva is the Jewish custom of the week-long period of mourning immediately following a death, during which the mourners receive guests at home.

The grandmother of a good friend of mine from high school just died. She was the mother of his birth mother. His birth mother died when he was very young, so he and his brother are the 2 chief mourners (as opposed to his parents), and the shiva is being held at his parents' house.

It's customary to bring food to the mourners' house, and in modern times many people make monetary donations to charitable funds set up in memory of the deceased. Although my friend told me it wasn't necessary to bring anything, I'm not going empty handed.

I was thinking of bringing something from DiBruno Brothers, then once I get there, finding out what fund to make a donation to, and donating. Anyone have any suggestions, advice, or commentary on this issue? Thank you.

death at work

Anonymous — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 16:07:55 -0800

Death in the workplace. I just found out that two children of two different coworkers died in a caving accident, the daughter of one employee and the son of another--her only child, I believe.

What can I do for them that will mean something? And how do we go about our work with this horrible tragedy in the background? Both coworkers are really wonderful people. One has sewed clothes for my daughter as a gift. I'm struggling with feeling really helpless right now.

Funeral etiquette

PurplePorpoise — Sun, 09 Jan 2005 21:15:49 -0800

BereavementFilter: Etiquettement dilemma about opening/agitating mourning versus sharing in a small life-afirming-recollection-of-the-deceased, er, something (the [+] might make more sense, sorry) My Uncle died about five years ago and my Aunt was pretty distraught. He was briefly mentioned when I last visited two and a half years ago, but it was in a nostalgic way about when he was pretty far gone from a neurological degeneracy. I have only met my Uncle once, when I was before the age of reason, maybe 7 yo. or so. He contacted me by mail when I was heading to the 'States for college telling me to consider fraternities, &c. They have had no children together, and he was not close to his ex-wife (& potential family).

I've been thoroughly enjoying Turdledove's (very excellent) American War series, and realized that my fondness of the era and my appreciation of militaria arose from my Uncle sending me card/posters of Sam Clemens' era watercraft, oversized book/posters of WWII aircraft, naval vessels, and armoured cavalry, paint&cut&fold&glue paper models from various conflicts, &c&c for birthdays and Christmases when I was little. Otherwise, I've never known my Uncle.

My dilemma is; I want to share my realization that my Uncle was a positive intellectual influence on my life and that I now belatedly wish that I had known him better alas, email mainstreamed a decade&1/2 too late, but I'm unsure if this is something that will bring my Aunt ... happiness (?) as opposed to ?? (something bad). I don't get the sense that she shares the fondness for 1850-1950 American militaria as my Uncle, or heck if my Uncle was a fan as opposed to "Oh, lets send my wife's kid nephew something manly...". I'm leaning towards that he was into it, and much more (masons, other-"secret"-societies, sailing, treasure-hunting are a few that I pieced together) - which is why I wished that I had/made-the-effort-to know(n) him better.

So, should I email my Aunt and share my thoughts that her husband had a positive influence on my life, or is the risk of twisting old wounds too great (she's kind of hurt, still really misses him)?

Helping people with bereavement...

ColdChef — Sun, 19 Dec 2004 19:06:24 -0800

I work for a funeral home and I'm looking for a book that will help people with the bereavement process. It should be easily available and fairly inexpensive (these are coming out of my own pocket--I just want something that I can give people who are having an especially hard time dealing with their loss). Most "self-help" books that I've looked at are too clinical and dull. Any recommendations? My father's best friend passed away this weekend, and she was asking if I knew of any books she should read. To my embarrasment, I couldn't name any.

How to mourn

trharlan — Mon, 22 Dec 2003 08:15:00 -0800

What's the best way to mourn the passing of a loved one? What's the best way to help one's family grieve?