Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with motivation

What makes a large employer good at internal comms?

Shepherd — Tue, 05 Oct 2021 05:21:53 -0800

Have you ever worked for a large (250+ people) organization that just did an amazing job at internal communications? If yes -- what did they do and why did it work? I'm trying to set up a robust structure at a university faculty -- defining professors, staff and students as "internal" for these purposes. No tools are off the table, and we're looking outside higher ed for examples of really good ways to keep sets of internal audiences apprised of what's going on.

What's great with internal information-sharing where you are? Are there newsletters? Internal-facing social media channels? Videos or podcasts? Updated signage? What frequency does information come out with? What makes it fun or interesting?

We have the additional challenge of having the "full" internal comms set (faculty, staff, students) as well as needing breakout messaging for each group individually [and sometimes subgroups]) -- but that's our problem. I just want to know what your organization does that keeps you informed and engaged.

Silly, self-deprecating ways to motivate a team for fun?

inatizzy — Mon, 19 Jul 2021 08:58:06 -0800

I’m casually organizing a low-key workout group for my company’s annual “wellness challenge”. How can I be a playful motivator for our team? Most of us are not athletes and are mostly trying to get moving more. Last year, my coworker motivated the group by sharing photos of himself growing out a mullet when we hit various milestones. It was silly fun. They’re playfully asking me how I’m going top that this year and… I’m stuck! How does a person come up with something silly and self-deprecating and vulnerable, that would be fun and engaging? I feel lost. This is pushing the edges of my social skills.

Any advice on motivation?

Sunflower88 — Fri, 02 Jul 2021 03:29:10 -0800

I really want to become a more motivated, high functioning person but I'm struggling - does anyone have any advice? I have a history of anxiety and depression, I also think I developed a deeply ingrained "learned helplessness" from growing up in an abusive environment.

I've moved out at the late age of 28 and am trying a lot harder. I'm in therapy, holding down a full time job (couldn't do that before) and studying.

But there's always this horrible "this is pointless feeling" in my head constantly. I don't try hard at anything, just do the bare minimum and I don't feel engaged in my life. It's like I'm drifting, my mind is very hazy and I don't actually have proper thoughts. I can't focus at all.

I used to be on SSRIs but came off them and feel more motivated and have more energy but those hopeless thoughts haven't gone away. I'm in group therapy and have been for a few years now. I don't want to accept that I actually might be depressed still, maybe that is what's happening here? It's a scary though that this will never go away.

I genuinely am not sure how to shift this horrible black cloud over me. I met up with a lawyer friend yesterday, she is incredibly inspirational. Very motivated, hard working and determined - she came from a rough background too but she had the strength to make it out and function extremely well.

I really want to be more like her. It's depressing to be around someone like me. Does anyone have any advice on how to get more motivated and focused? Have any of you experienced this and overcome it?

Staying afloat while working for a narcissist

stoneandstar — Thu, 07 Jan 2021 20:55:13 -0800

Asking for a friend who is actively job searching but hasn’t had luck so far. How do you stay motivated when you work for a narcissistic asshole (who runs hot and cold)? My friend is very smart, kind, and effective at understanding and solving the kinds of problems that crop up in a workplace. While I’m sure he has weaknesses like anyone, I’ve seen plenty of examples of him resolving conflicts and sorting out unexpected issues effectively. He’s also just kind of a walking encyclopedia and in better jobs he’s had, that has been an asset (and people value him). I seriously doubt he’s the problem.

He has a paraprofessional job and works with an assortment of people: various types of professionals, business owners, support staff, project managers, etc. He has never had any problems with anyone, except one client who was a known asshole, and his direct manager. The professionals he works with praise him regularly. It’s like his manager (who is not a professional) is jealous. When he was the new guy, it was all praises while she constantly complained about the other employees. Then he got promoted. Now it’s constant freak outs, insults, put downs, etc. with juuuuust enough “I’m sorry, here’s a present!” for her to feel OK with her behavior, I guess. And the new new guy is now the golden child, like friend was when he was new.

There’s tons of evidence that she’s basically a narc who gets away with it because she is charming and has no qualms about crawling up someone’s ass to get things done. She flips out on lots of people regularly and the ones who don’t report to her respond like she’s a child, gently setting boundaries and rolling their eyes when she leaves. His ex-coworker complained about her before leaving, but as usual nothing happened. She also lies regularly; whenever she gets pissed off, half the things she says are obviously untrue. It’s a classic narcissistic meltdown where she says extremely crazy and harsh things and then pretends 30 minutes later like nothing happened.

My question (on his behalf) is basically how to stay motivated to do your job well (i.e., not tank any of his professional relationships) while job searching. He’s been putting out a lot of resumes without any hits, and I don’t know if it’s the economy or his job hunt strategy but I’d like to be able to give him better advice than what I have right now (“leave”). His wife makes enough money to support them both if the boss blew her lid, but not enough for him to leave voluntarily without concerns. I think his main worry is getting demoted and still having to work there; it would just be humiliating and demotivating. He makes good money but not incredible money and is frankly OK with a pay cut as long as the new job suits him more. He doesn’t really care about staying in his industry.

Have you been in this situation? How did you stay afloat? Are there any good job hunting tips you have for this type of situation? I am a pretty good job hunter but my advice doesn’t seem to really help much, probably because we have very different career scenarios and personalities. I really think the only solution in these situations is to cut and run but I understand that finding something new is not always so easy. I’ve read some online advice that boils down to “narcissists can be very good at their jobs, but are also a nightmare to work with,” which is basically the situation but doesn’t help much.

Though I’m asking for him, I’m also curious for myself how other people handle these things. He and I have both come from backgrounds of emotional abuse (that’s how we met) and I realized I haven’t dealt with a situation like this since I started healing from that. (I also don’t want to “caretake” him but want to know what is a healthy response.) Thanks!

Need some New Year motivational videos

daikon — Wed, 30 Dec 2020 10:16:47 -0800

With the new year coming, I'm looking for some short motivational videos (10 minutes or less) by people who have changed their habits related to health. The changes could be around food, what they eat (such as eliminating unhealthy junk food), drinking, exercise. Not looking for how-to guides but rather people describing the inner experience of change and how much better they feel after changing a habit. Two examples inside. The first video (10 minutes) is one by Penn Jillette which I found a couple years ago. He talks about how he lost 100 pounds and how much his new food choices changed his life beyond just the weight loss, which was not his primary motivation anyway. The video ends with "I now eat whatever I want, but what I want has changed profoundly."

The second video (1 minute) is by Anthony Hopkins and he just posted it yesterday. He talks about having stopped drinking 45 years ago and how much better his life was after. One line is "suddenly the relief came and my life has been amazing."

What I like about these videos is they're concise and get right to the heart of the matter. Basically I'm looking for more short videos like these two, ones that describe what it feels like to change, the inner shift that happens over time, and the positive results that come from making changes. I'm hoping to find at least a few more in the next two days and watch them on New Years Day and then every day after that, to reinforce some habits I'm trying to change.

I have no idea how to search for this kind of video, so does anyone know of any, maybe videos you've found and enjoyed in the past?

How do I connect with my much younger and unmotivated stepsister?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 22:23:15 -0800

I (35M) am spending this holiday with my dad, stepmother, and stepsister (18F). I am mostly doing this to try and connect more with my stepsister, who I usually see a few times a year (12 months this time). The age gap is large, but other than her parents I'm her closest family so I would like to get to know her better and offer myself as a resource when she needs it. My dad and stepmother specifically asked me to try and talk to her about life plans after high school, as she currently has none and does not seem interested in doing anything in particular. Does anyone have advice navigating either side of a sibling relationship with a large gap in years, or talking to an unmotivated and disinterested teenager in general? My stepsister just dropped all high school classes but one, and is doing the absolute minimum to graduate. Her grades are mediocre and she is not interested in applying to any colleges. She doesn't have a job and has not applied for any. Her mother keeps trying to get her to do these things, but my stepmother both spoils and tries to control her daughter so these efforts are backfiring. It's pretty clear that my stepsister is very dependent on my stepmother and has learned to try and keep her happy to get what she wants. It doesn't really appear that my stepsister has many close friends or significant hobbies right now but she could just be private about it.

The reason my parents asked me for help is that I do have a lot in common with my stepsister, as we both enjoy video games and related nerdy things. I have some form of Asperger's/ASD as well as depression/anxiety issues, and she was recently diagnosed with anxiety as well as ASD (not 100% sure I agree). But I (+ my other sister) was very different at 18: by her age I was already accepted into college, had worked several internships, and was making video games with other people over the internet. Two years ago she was involved in cheerleading and taking vocational tech classes for 3d modeling, but she quit all of that before the pandemic. She's clearly somewhat depressed and the pandemic seems to have drained the rest of her motivation.

I am currently studying Psychology and motivation and have gone through decades of therapy, so I should know exactly what to do. But I need advice because what I've tried so far to connect with her hasn't worked at all. To try and break her reliance on her parents I bought her a laptop earlier this year and sent her a (way too long) heartfelt email explaining my past issues with anxiety/depression and how I would be there if she needed anything. She did not respond in any way, only rarely uses it, and has never asked me any questions. Her stepmother tried to take her to see therapists, but other than the one psychologist who diagnosed her (but was not accepting therapy patients) she didn't like any of them. I've tried to bring up related topics on this trip and she answers cogently and politely but does not continue the conversation. She's clearly intelligent and can work hard when she cares, but right now she seems content to watch tv and play low-investment tablet games all day.

So I could use advice and ideas on how to both connect with a distant sibling and talk to an unmotivated teenager about the future. My first priority is to build my relationship with her so she will feel like she has someone to talk to when she needs it later. My second is to try and help her find her own path in life over the next few years. She seems like a pretty dependent 18 year old so I imagine she will just kind of hang out at her parents house for a few years after high school until something blows up between her and my stepmother. They clearly love each other, but the relationship isn't totally healthy. My dad has no idea what to do because me and my sister were both extremely motivated despite our other issues. I know how to talk to anxious and depressed people, but not when they aren't interested in opening up. I'm not looking for hard answers, but any advice, anecdotes, or related thoughts would help me out. Thanks!

Motivating yourself to do something boring that you resent having to do?

cotton dress sock — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 08:54:52 -0800

I have to write the stupid written part of the driver’s test. (Let my license lapse before graduating to the highway so I have to start over). I have ZERO intrinsic interest in Ontario’s (completely unenforced) traffic laws and I hate that I have to do this (even if it’s because of my screw-up). Really need my stupid license though. I would rather read my shampoo bottles.

Please help.

Help me find something positive to read about running short distances

purpleclover — Tue, 01 Sep 2020 11:23:29 -0800

I'm looking for some things to read about running regularly but briefly. I know, intellectually, it's good for my brain (also, I'm guessing, my heart?) to actually get out and do the 20 or 30 minutes of running, and definitely better than not doing it, but it feels small and sad to me sometimes. Help me find some motivational things to read. After 20 years of a stop-start relationship with running, I'm coming to understand that for Reasons, I probably won't ever run more than 2-3 miles a few times a week. And not super fast, either. But, that's more than the zero miles I run when I try to up my mileage and have to deal with injuries! My problem now is that if I ever start idly googling around about running, it feels like alllllllllll the stuff is written for Real Runners, who run 45 miles a week at an "easy 7:30/mile pace" or whatever. This makes me feel bad about myself!

I'm looking for either things online to read or anecdotes about, I dunno, healthy old people you know who run like this? Secret message boards for majestic, tortoise-like women in their 40s? (It's not Reddit's running forum; I can't sift through the "real runner" posts.) I'd like to cast a wide net, and I hope to find some things I can bookmark and return to when my motivation flags.

how to write and make art in these mad mad mad mad mad times

Crystal Fox — Mon, 10 Aug 2020 12:37:46 -0800

What motivates you to write or make art? I really enjoy both these activities, but find it harder and harder to justify a reason for spending time on them when I have the idea in my head (wherever it originated) that they have no "value" if not done for a.) moneymaking purposes or b.) to share with others. In my own assessment, I find art and writing neither sells nor receives much interest from anyone if it is not presented at a professional level, which is not where I am. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I want to stop writing or making art. It just means I feel like there's no point to my doing so, and without going to school again, I don't know how I'd improve my skills, and something about the pandemic has made it harder, not easier, to try and do so on my own. I've seen discussions here where people talk about enjoying these activities just for the sake of enjoying them, without worrying about whether they pay for themselves or what anyone else thinks. How do you do it? What motivates you to create something? What joy and satisfaction do you derive from it?

Thanks.

Why aren’t I better yet?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Jul 2020 11:13:31 -0800

I’ve gone through a lot of stress in the last few years. It’s mostly over, but I still can’t get anything done. I can’t focus. I’m not myself. How do I get better? A lot has happened in the last few years. I went through a crazy amount of stress. I've always procrastinated, but never what I had in the last year with constant headaches and throwing up from anxiety. But the sources of my work stress are (mostly) gone and I’ve spent most of shelter in place doing very little, mostly only working a few hours a day. It was very much needed.

But I still can’t muster up much enthusiasm and I don’t feel like myself. I’m frustrated. I keep telling myself it’s over, you had your time to rest, now it’s time to kick back into gear. It's been months and months!

I’ve always prided myself on being responsible and hard working, but now I can’t help avoiding things. I get asked by work to do things and I wait until the last possible moment to do the minimum. I avoid emails. I avoid talking to people. I avoid coworkers and work friends. I don’t enjoy really much of anything. Most of my time is just numbing myself out and distracting myself by binge watching TV and the internet because I can work from home. I’m in therapy and I’m on meds. I just want to feel normal again. I feel like I’m drowning. It's been months of this. I want to feel better so badly! And my job needs me to feel better, I have so much to do. I go through a week or two of working normally and then I crash and just can't keep going. I saw this Ask from 12 years ago but I worry it's beyond that now, I don't know how to snap out of it once the circumstances are already improving.

I don’t know if it’s also linked to potential abuse.

In the last few months, I’ve realized that my former boss was intensely emotionally and verbally abusive, and even though they are gone now, I struggle to engage with work again. I used to work so hard and love it, but I haven't enjoyed it in years, and now I just feel unable to. It’s also been a lot to process that my high tolerance for that comes from (surprise!) growing up in a family that was also emotionally abusive into adulthood. I never let myself think of it as abuse before and I’m still working through that to be honest. I have a lot of issues with people pleasing and being assertive, so much so that even friends make a point of encouraging me. I’m also so confused about abuse and trauma now. On and off, I feel so sure that my long-term partner may be abusive to me but also I feel like maybe I am the abuser, like they say, and it’s my fault. I can't stop thinking about it. I used to think I have no choice but to work and do well and forced myself, and now that I'm trying to internalize that yes, this is a choice and there is so much freedom and potential good in life, I'm frozen in place.

What do I do now? How do I move forward?

Need accountability system to get off my ass!

primate moon — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 13:03:48 -0800

I am very overweight, have high blood pressure (very well controlled), and diabetes type 2 (not so well controlled). I have sleep apnea and can't tolerate a C-PAP machine. And last year I had a small stroke. For my entire life I have been absolutely unable to motivate myself to move my butt. I have been working with a therapist for a long time and we talk about this issue regularly. I'm afraid I'm going to die or--more likely--become disabled. I was mostly sedentary before the pandemic, but now I hardly move at all. I sit in my chair watching TV or reading on my laptop for many, many hours every day. I wasn't at all fit before, but now just walking up or down a single flight of stairs is uncomfortable. Getting out of a chair is difficult (and I don't do it very often). This isn't about losing weight, but I need to improve my metabolism. Working on eating is difficult but I am able to inconsistently maintain small changes in my carbs intake. But I cannot get myself to go for a walk. There are places to walk near me, or a short drive away. But I can't make myself do it. Rewards don't work; I just give myself the reward anyway. Punishments don't work; I feel even worse and less motivated (if such a thing is possible).

I'm single and have only one friend; we go for a walk every other weekend or so, but she's not available or interested in doing more. And I know I need to move my body for at least 30 minutes a day, or at the least, 5 days a week.

I bought a semi-recumbent exercise bike a year ago, and I've used it 3 times. It's right there in my living room, with a great view of the TV, but I don't use it.

I promise myself every damn day that I'll take a walk. When the time(s) come, I just say I don't feel like it and I'll do it tomorrow. And it's not just walking--it's doing literally anything but sitting in a chair watching TV. Cleaning, cooking, meditating, crafting, etc., all feel impossible to get myself to do.

My fantasy is to have someone to walk with, and more, to be accountable to. I've looked into Meetups for walking groups, but keep no-showing (add my social anxiety to the mix, and it feels impossible). My shrink said maybe I could hire a visiting nurse to walk with me every day. But I can't imagine that this is a real possibility or that insurance would cover it.

I can throw a LITTLE money at this problem. Maybe $25 a day?

Should I go on craigslist and look for someone? That seems scary and risky. I need help.

I cannot work.

unicorn chaser — Mon, 15 Jun 2020 05:32:50 -0800

Of late I feel like I cannot work... but I must work. Working from home has gotten harder and harder, I hate it and there seems like no end in sight. Home is full of distractions and I just cannot work at home but I have to. How can I work from home in this situation? I've written elsewhere about issues I've been experiencing at work for the last 1.5 years since my new boss entered the picture. However, I've always been productive, even when I have felt unsupported and inadequate. Right now, though, it's a different story.

1) Work seems pointless. I feel we are kept busy with pointless projects that never amount to anything. We pile up reams of notes and actions but at the end of the day nothing comes of anything. Half of my work is very reactive and depends on what the boss wants us to do - that is the only half he cares about. The other half is the lower-level, day to day stuff that needs to get done and he doesn't care about it, but it actually is more important.

2) I am a social person and working from home, alone, has been horrible for my mental and emotional health. I am lonely, anxious and miserable.

3) Being at the office, surrounded by people at their computers, I had to work even if I didn't care about a thing or thought it was boring or pointless, because there was nothing else I could be doing. Being at home, even though I live alone, is full of distractions. Today instead of working I gave the bathroom a deep clean. I've posted elsewhere on MeFi about the amount of domestic chores that I feel like I need to be on top of constantly now that I am WFH. My home is just full of distractions in the forms of things that need to be folded, put away, washed, ironed, etc.

4) My boss is really negative and aggressive, not the kind of person I would go to for support in this situation. I do not feel that they would react with sympathy if they knew I was struggling to feel productive. They would just give me a lecture about time management and give me more stuff to do because they didn't feel I was busy enough.

5) My WFH set up isn't ideal, and we don't have the funds to buy like big monitors, proper chairs etc.

I know everyone says to be kind to yourself and have realistic expectations of how much you can achieve in a pandemic situation, and that's all well and good but I know my boss does not feel the same way. I have to be at 80-100% and at the moment I feel like I'm at 10%. I need help.

Tips & Tricks for Apathy

aclevername — Tue, 12 May 2020 14:01:11 -0800

So I was recently told that people think I look sloppy at work. And I realized they’re right. I take absolutely no care in my appearance. But I’m not better for fashion advice. The problem I’m having is that yes, they’re right, I look sloppy and I can’t bring myself to care. I know I should want to change, but my whole thought process is one giant “meh”. Even telling myself it impacts my career isn’t enough of a motivating push.

I know therapy is probably the long term answer, but in the meantime, are there any good books, websites, podcasts, etc on curing apathy?

(For the record, Yes I struggle with depression. I am currently on 3 different meds for it and have been on them for years.)

I quit drinking! Looking for simplified phrases to keep me motivated

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Apr 2020 15:01:49 -0800

When I quit smoking, I was able to come up with simple phrases that encapsulated more complex issues to remind me why I was quitting, and kept me motivated. It worked for me!! Now I need this for alcohol. For example: the powerlessness and loss of control that comes with being addicted became "it's the cigarette wants to be smoked, don't give in."; or, the terrible long term effects of smoking became "do you really want to be 60 and not be able to climb stairs?"

Ironically, one of the prior statements I used was, "only smoke the cigarettes you go buy yourself, and now don't buy anymore." This stay-at-home order has effectively given me an opportunity to do the same for the daily abuse of alcohol. This has got me motivated that now is the right time to quit!!

I'm looking for similar simple statements I can remind myself of, now that I'm almost 4 days sober and seemingly past the withdrawal symptoms.

Thanks in advance!!

How to stop procrastinating at creativity-on-demand?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Nov 2019 23:02:00 -0800

I am a professional actor. About 3-5 times a week, I have to prepare and self-tape an audition. I procrastinate TREMENDOUSLY and feel miserable every single time. Please help! Five random times each week, I get emailed some scenes. Each time, I have a turnaround of 12-72 hours to return a competent audition, and here is what I have to do:

1. Find a time when my toddler is SILENTLY occupied by another person AND there is natural light outside. This alone can be a Sisyphean task.

2. For film/TV, I need to: print the material and think about my approach. Mark up the script with notes, memorize the scenes. Find a helper to read opposite me. Do my hair/makeup/wardrobe, dig out and set up my tripod, camera, lights, mic, backdrop and test the lighting and sound a million times. Do about 20 takes of the material (with a competent helper who's patient enough to manage me flubbing a line or the dog wrecking a take or whatever!), then finally email it in.

3. For animation, I need to: read the material, YouTube the voice references they've provided, decide my approach. Make silent my home. Hide in my cluttered closet and record myself running the scenes, listen back a bunch of times. Record a perfect take. Repeat for 2-6 loud, high-energy characters per show. Label files and email it all in. Animation is not as logistically difficult as on-camera, as it needs fewer gadgets and I don't have to do makeup or lighting... but because it's done alone, it can be even harder because there's no reader to be accountable to, or get an energy boost from, and animation characters are often SUPER high energy. It can be hard to get my energy there alone and feel confident that my work is funny!

Acting is a silly fun career, I know, but AUDITIONING IS SO HARD. I'm having a hard time just in life in general right now, too- I have a toddler, an ill parent, very little childcare help. Throw in low iron, mild seasonal depression, random hormonal swings that are making me feel tired, unmotivated, and anxious. I'm also a perfectionist and probably have ADD. Plus I've recently quit caffeine and I'm working from home, so it can be VERY hard to ramp my energy up enough to create a heightened reality.

And because the work is judged on subjective criteria, I really struggle with the fact that it's impossible to actually BE DONE, it just has to GET done. Like if Take 15 is good enough, wouldn't Take 30 be even better? The enormity of doing something that, in my distorted thinking, * could somehow be perfect if only.... * means it is so unappealing to ever start, if that makes sense.

I've tried to remove some of the speed bumps to these processes- for instance, I bought a fancy iPhone and use that to record, instead of a proper camera/mic, because it's technically MUCH easier (even though it doesn't look or sound as good). And I never edit my takes, even though I could improve my product if I did. I could try leaving some of my gear set out to reduce the setup time, but I have a toddler and a small home. I'm also planning to upgrade my lighting gear to lessen the time pressure of having adequate daylight. And for really important projects, I hire someone to coach, read & tape me professionally, which is AMAZING but costs $70 a pop so I can't do it every time.

I love acting, but auditioning IS HARD... however, it's the bulk of my job, and if I don't do it well and promptly, I don't book work.

SO: What can I do to reframe how I think about it, make it easier, and get it done with less struggle?? I'm really having a hard time and beating myself up for failing at my clown college of a career! Ugh, thanks!

help me crush this

unicorn chaser — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 03:20:33 -0800

Aaah! This is such a stupid question. But how do I focus on work when I am in the throes of a very bad crush? I mean, I don't think the specifics of the crush are particularly problematic, so this isn't really a question about that; but I see the person every week at a post-work commitment that I can't change, and we are on the way to becoming friends. I'm getting to know them, and we'll see what the long-term outcome of this ends up being. Asking them out directly would mess with the dynamics of the thing that we see each other at. But you know... it's progressing.

The actual problem is, I feel like everything else in my life is black and white and the times I speak with this person are in colour. I apologise for the very over the top language, but it's the best way to describe how I feel.

I've ALWAYS struggled with work motivation - it's always been something I do because I have to, not because I want to; I am at heart an unproductive person who'd rather be reading than anything else and I get my satisfaction in life from extracurriculars. I've accepted that aspect of myself - we can't all be dynamos. But I've learned to plod along in work life and I'm actually valued for being creative and diligent.

But now my demotivation is much worse because I just feel like I'm counting the minutes till I see this person or checking my phone 1000 times to see if they've gotten in touch or liked one of my Instagram posts etc. It's really stupid and unproductive, and I feel like I should be too old for this, but clearly I am not. (38!) This isn't part of a pattern of distractions. This level of preoccupation is quite new to me.

I'm not looking for ways to resolve the crush, which I think will resolve, one way or the other, in its own time, but just looking for ways not to completely suck at work until that happens. Please be kind, I know I'm being RIDICULOUS.

Dopamine Fasting 101

nightrecordings — Sat, 22 Jun 2019 10:06:10 -0800

[ADHD Filter] I'm trying to learn more about dopamine fasting and whether or not it's right for me. For context, I'm a cisgender woman with ADHD, early 30's. I've been in CBT and psychiatric care for my ADHD for over a decade- so I already see a therapist, take medication that works well for me, and have a lot of other ADHD lifehacks in my toolbox. I'm also not looking to use dopamine fasting to avoid other critical good habits (like sufficient sleep/rest, sufficient hydration, or regular exercise - I'm big on doing all three of those). This is just a question about what dopamine fasting is like, best practices, what to definitely try, what to avoid, the limitations of dopamine fasting, etc.

There are a lot of Google results, including at least one peer-reviewed article in the Journal of Neurophysiology, but I'm also seeing some results that look a shade too b*yzone/r*d p*ll-adjacent for my taste. [I could be wrong about this but I'm also not here today to debate this.]

If you've dopamine-fasted in the past, can you tell me about your experience? What you tried, what worked and didn't work?
What are the best online resources to consult?

Bonus points if you're someone with ADHD who has tried dopamine fasting. However, I still welcome and encourage responses from those who've tried dopamine fasting and don't have ADHD.

Rewards for kids/teens that are not food

witchen — Thu, 20 Jun 2019 11:24:56 -0800

We have 3 teenagers in the house (the youngest "teen" is 12, but he's more teen than kid) and I need ideas for ways to motivate, reward, and celebrate things. Lately we've been buying and making a lot of sweets, and I would like to diversify the treat portfolio. We have some things we need for the kids to do, such as summer reading, tidying their spaces, and avoiding various misbehaviors, and I'm coming up blank on any way to motivate them that's not just bringing home 3 pints of gelato. We aren't looking at health issues (yet) from all the sweets, but I feel like we could be doing better as parental units--both in terms of compelling kids to do stuff, and in terms of what a food-based reward will reinforce over the long term.

"More screen time" is not the kind of thing I'm looking for. They came to us from a situation where many things that are typically restricted (such as screen time) were always 100% free, so the cat's already out of the bag on that.

And they're skeptical of any gimmicky-type thing, like the positive equivalent of a "swear jar" or even of a wall chart for chores.

But any bite-sized fun experiences, tangible items, etc. that we can offer: tell me! I'm willing to do a DIY thing, a store-bought thing. Solo thing or group thing. Whatever.

Motivation to save small amounts of money when goal feels huge?

rogerroger — Sun, 19 May 2019 17:13:15 -0800

There are a ton of personal finance/saving questions on AskMe but I couldn't find one in this particular flavor: what are ways to motivate yourself to save tiny amounts of money when the goal you're trying to get to is nebulous, and not achievable for many, many years? Not looking for specific budgeting tips like "cut out Netflix," rather looking for successful perspectives/thought patterns that could make saving $5 here and $10 there seem more significant if the goal is mid-six figures or more. I live in the Bay Area where the price of buying a home is out of reach and the daily cost of living is super high. I'm always feeling sticker shock at how much my rent/electricity/water/groceries are, as well as the cost of buying lunch/socializing.

Because I constantly feel like I'm paying more for things than I'm comfortable paying -- and because the necessary amount for a down payment seems so vast -- saving small amounts of money just seems... pointless? I *do* put part of my paycheck into savings - it just goes directly there via direct deposit. But I KNOW I'm wasting money in a million little ways... and can't motivate myself to stop. Why save $5 by walking instead of a Lyft, if I'm still hundreds of thousands of dollars away from my goal? Who cares if it takes 15 years to achieve my savings goal instead of 13 (both made up numbers, but you get the picture)? Both amounts of time seem like forever away. So I waste money on unnecessary things because I feel overwhelmed.

My spouse and I are ultimately hoping to move to a cheaper area, but right now our jobs are here and this is the best place for us to be career- and finance-wise so at least *trying* to save money for a down payment here is our current plan.

As I said above, I'm *not* looking for budgeting tips like "bring your lunch to work!" or "share your mom's HBO password!". And I'm not looking for "Move away from San Francisco already, why are you wasting your life being stressed in this amusement park for the ultra-rich?!" We ARE in SF for the time being, and I'm looking for motivational tips that helped you save tiny amounts of money even though your goal is far off.

Also for context, I am *very* reward, gift and praise-motivated - words of affirmation are my love language, and I like tangible, achievable goals -- I motivated myself to pay off my student loans by focusing on each individual loan and celebrating when that one was paid off, since thinking of the whole amount was overwhelming. I don't know how to do that when my goal is "to have enough money to buy a house."

Also, I grew up with a dad who prided himself on being "cheap" and saving money, and who said people who spent money were stupid. He scrimped and saved and didn't believe in giving gifts EVER, or wearing conventional clothing, or going on vacations... and he died young before enjoying any of his money. So I guess I'm also looking for ways of thinking about saving money that are somewhere in between my "alkjslkdjf I'm overwhelmed and I live in an expensive city where everyone is constantly charging me too much, let me just throw all my money away" and the "spending money on non-necessities is morally wrong, people who do so are stupid and will live to regret their errors, wanting to be fashionable/engage in culture/have fun is wasteful" culture I grew up with.

How do you stay motivated in a job search when your job is exhausting?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Apr 2019 06:08:04 -0800

I'm a project manager at a software company. About a year ago I started working at a company that had a great reputation; the work lined up for my position sounded really interesting, the compensation was fair, the work-life balanced promised to be very good. Instead it's been an exhausting deathmarch and the promised room for advancement has vanished in a reorg. In theory I should be search for a new job. In practice, I come home every day ready to collapse. How do you maintain the energy to do an effective job search when the job you're trying to escape is a huge drain? The hours expectations are actually quite reasonable - Nobody expects me here before 9, nobody (here) cares if I go home at 5 (Our clients are another matter). But every single day is emotionally draining; my client is insanely demanding and constantly angry; my team is miserable and demotivated and sniping at one another. Everybody at the company agrees that this is atypical and really a shame but nobody with any power seems inclined or capable to actually fix anything. My boss expresses a lot of sympathy but otherwise has basically given up and left me to my own devices. So basically I do whatever I can from 9 to 5, leave with a longer to-do list than I started with, then go home and desperately try to stop obsessing about how awful the next day will be.

I can just about make it from one day to the next, but I absolutely don't have the energy to work my network, send out resumes, be chipper and positive with recruiters, sell myself on interviews, etc. I've already tried once, and it was a disaster because I was so obviously burnt out.

I've already taken a (short) vacation to try to reset and get my groove back. It failed miserably, and I couldn't stop stressing about how shitty my client was going to be when I got back.

I have a fair amount of schedule flexibility to go take off a morning or afternoon as-needed to actually do interviews. If I could adjust my personal emotional state at will, I could absolutely execute a job search. I just have nothing resembling the energy or motivation to actually do it, certainly not without coming off really negatively.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this kind of position, though. So: How do you do it? How do you 'trick' yourself into actually putting the work in when you just want to curl up and cry every day at 5pm? This is something I'm honestly unused to; I'm normally really positive and energetic and excited about my career, and this level of burnout and energy drain has me totally at a loss.

A couple of pieces of potentially relevant context:
* I've already exhausted the (limited) possibilities for staying at the company and getting replaced on this project.
* I live & work in a major city where my skills are in demand enough that I shouldn't have too hard of a time finding something, but it realistically might take a few months to find a decent fit. For family reasons relocation is off the table.
* I absolutely cannot afford to quit and take time off without having something else lined up. I'm saving up to get to that point but it's still a long ways off.

What films dwell on the consequences of procrastination?

crapmatic — Mon, 29 Apr 2019 17:40:15 -0800

What films/miniseries are there whose theme is the negative consequences of procrastination or making lazy choices vs. the positive outcomes from stepping up to responsibilities or having a Type A personality? Not looking for educational or after-school films, of course, but themes in mass media.

The only two films I can think of are the 1970s TV series "Rich Man, Poor Man" (which really needs an official release, why is ABC sitting on the prints?), and the Albert Brooks movie "Defending Your Life" (kind of a superficial, cornball treatment though).

I'll also take answers for movies out there that you have found that are motivating and which have rallied you to make positive changes in your own life. The closing speech from Glengarry Glenn Ross comes to mind, but it was just a 7-minute scene.

Not sure about crime movies, since those tend to be over the top, and crime isn't a very difficult choice for most of us.

How do I get back into my Cartooning

blokefromipanema — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 01:50:43 -0800

I am a freelance cartoonist who also has a full time non cartoon related job. I've lost my way a bit. How can I find it again? I've been drawing and selling humorous cartoons for the last 30 years with a reasonable amount of success. For one reason or another never enough to give up my full time job, but I think that ship has sailed and that's ok (I'm 54). However in the last couple of years I've lost my Mojo. I used to have around 8 regular clients who commissioned me on a monthly basis and it's now dwindled to around 2. There are all sorts of reasons that this may have happened....new editor...change of format...they don't like my cartoons anymore. That's the way it works in this kind of industry. What I'm not happy about is my reaction to it. In the past I'd have been on the lookout for a new magazine/newspaper to start working with if I lost one. But I've let things slip and haven't had the enthusiasm to do this. I've still got the 2 semi regulars and I never miss a deadline (and never have with any of my previous clients) but once I've completed that job I just switch off until the next one comes around. I can't motivate myself to carry on working in those times between commissions. I could be doing all host of things: Practicing my drawing, coming up with new gags, emailing potential new clients, sorting out my website...etc etc. I've lost my spark and I'm struggling to get it back.
Any ideas or advice?

33p! h4lp me survive 80-hour weeks at code school!

aw jeez — Wed, 27 Mar 2019 12:10:25 -0800

I'm in a competitive programming bootcamp where 10-14 hour days are required to pass. Like, don't-flinch, don't-leave-your-seat, hands-on-the-keyboard, lunch breaks don't count. Is this wise or conducive to learning? Questionable! Still, I'm going to do it. How can I make this work? This is my second attempt. I've got one month to go. I failed the first try because I didn't log enough hours or score enough points on assignments. It's a stressful environment, my health was in shambles by the time I finished. I'm back for one reason: the rewards are great if I pass. I'll have access to free education for three years, comparable to a good C.S. degree, with a curriculum I can work through at a reasonable pace.

I really want to make it this time.

It's day three and I'm already exhausted. Things I am struggling with:

1) I have some health conditions and executive dysfunction (possibly ADHD?). Even in the best of times I fight fatigue, irregular wake-sleep cycles and sensory issues. The more stressed I am, the worse it all gets. I can engage my hyperfocus during the day with some regularity but it comes at a cost... I'm wired for the rest of the night, making it hard to sleep when I get home. However if I don't force that mode my attention falls off and I'm wasting time at the screen, distracted by the bright lights of monitors and the sounds and movements of 300 other people.

2) I'm a night owl and a 9-hour-a-night sleeper. Even worse, I have a severe dip in the afternoon from about 3-7PM. Caffeine and exercise don't help much, though I try to time them to buy me a couple more work hours. Cat naps are good if I can relax enough to get them but I'm not really alert until much later. If I work too late in the night I start slipping forward until my schedule is totally reversed (advanced sleep phase disorder)... plus I'm very sensitive to light and the screens keep me awake. I need to be in class by 8AM every day to grab a good seat.

3) I seem to learn differently than my peers? It's a collaborative environment to the extreme, but I do much better going it alone with occasional check-ins. I also have total aphantasia so my mind is kind of a black box. A typical learning path for me is "I don't get it, what is this, I can't even remember the vocabulary, fail, fail, fail... click! For some reason it suddenly makes sense! I am awesome at this from here on out, with a deep and thorough understanding!" Other people seem to accumulate knowledge at a steadier pace, with a staircase of small jumps and plateaus. It seems like the curriculum is made to test these kinds of learners, with slow steady accretion every day? I don't work like this and I kept failing assignments last time because I didn't get that "click!" until a day or two after we get the material. You get new information the same day exercises on it are due. Sadly the assignments are different this round, so I can't carry over my past work. I prefer to write lots of little tests to learn new programming techniques, but the workload is so intense we rarely have time for that.

4) I just don't have enough hours in the day. 8-9 for sleep, 10-14 for work, 1 each for AM/PM prep, 2 total between lunch, dinner and an afternoon nap... plus laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes... no time at all for myself. It's a lot.

How I'm succeeding already:

- I have a meticulously planned schedule and meal plan. I cook all my food twice a week, since I have a lot of allergies and can't order out very easily. I have eliminated as many brain-draining choices as possible. I wear the same thing every day, eat the same healthy meal for lunch and dinner, have the same morning and night routines, etc. Last time I went off schedule because I was so tired I was falling asleep at the wrong times!

- I get up early to grab a seat near the windows where there's sunshine to keep me awake and fewer people. Thick headphones and sunglasses help block out stimuli but it's not perfect. It's all open plan, there are no quiet or private work stations in the whole building.

- Paced caffeine via tea. I start with black in the morning, switch to white in the afternoon and then cut myself off by 5PM.

- I walk to and from school, so I get a brisk 30 minute walk twice a day. I take a few breaks to stretch, do squats and enjoy fresh air outside.

- I found a dark room in the basement where no one goes. Yay introvert hidey hole!

- I take great notes, build in as much review time as possible, and I've got lots of friends who want to help me with assignments.

Give me your best tips for inhumane workloads!

- How can I calm down faster at night so I can sleep?
- How do I keep my focus and energy high during the day?
- How can I adapt my learning style to this curriculum?

What motivates people?

J.K. Seazer — Sun, 17 Feb 2019 19:17:23 -0800

What motivates people to do anything at all, beyond the necessities of life like eating, drinking, and sleeping? Why does a person read a book, or paint a picture, or call a friend, or buy something on an infomercial, or go to a protest? I'm interested in a very broad perspective on this question, so anything from personal anecdotes, to self-help books, to studies on the effectiveness of advertising, and to treatises on propaganda are all welcome answers.

Ideas and strategies for getting my life back on track?

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Dec 2018 08:21:50 -0800

Please help me get back into the world. For various reasons, I have ended up in a situation where I primarily spend my days and evenings at home alone watching TV shows and farting around on the internet. Some of this is motivation related, some is health related, and some is situational. My mental health is suffering! So are my finances. So the problem is that I need to figure out how to motivate myself. My go-to motivator is self-imposed fear, and that is not helpful.

I would appreciate it if you would read the specifics and see if you have any ideas you can share to help me get to my ultimate goal of getting back into society with a job and a social network. I think, basically, I need to figure out how to create structure in my days that includes doing both work-like activities and fun activities (with other people). To be successful, I need to find the balance of recognizing my limitations and not having them define me or make me just give up trying. Also, very importantly, I need to avoid having anxiety be my primary motivator.

I'm not currently working for a couple of reasons. First, I took medical leave for a thing that exacerbated another thing, and then after months and months of recovery I got laid off. (My workplace was very accommodating and I do not hold a grudge at all). It's coming up on two years now since I first stopped working.

My current level of functioning is that I am able to get out to medical appointments with no problems. Setting up and following through on other activities (social or work-adjacent) is iffy. When I successfully have and follow through on plans, I almost always enjoy them. I am having extreme motivation problems doing work-like things--cleaning, buffing up the resume, applying for jobs, house maintenance, etc. Unfortunately, that also includes some basics things like taking a shower and getting dressed every day.

Physical health issues:
• I currently fatigue easily because I am recovering from a surgery. This should pass eventually.
• I am also prone to extreme sleepiness and the resulting effects of getting crappy sleep. (Note: I do not need advice about sleep at all. Trust me. It's not a behavioral thing, and I am under great medical care.)

Mental health issues:
• Anxiety and depression.
• Fatigue unrelated to the surgery recovery.
• Lack of motivation, self-isolation, and perfectionism and accompanied by her siblings procrastination and black and white thinking.
(I am working on all of this with a team of professionals.)

Interpersonal stuff:
• I live alone.
• I have ended up pretty isolated. While I do have many friends, I have drifted away from them.
• Live far from family, and they have their own problems right now.
• No kids.

Other info:
• Middle aged
• Money's tight but not desperate yet. It will be getting desperate starting June 1, 2019.
• I'm usually dead to the world by 3 or 4 p.m. if I spend my day doing things other than puttering around the house mostly doing internet stuff.
• I have to be home by 10 p.m. or I screw up my sleep massively.