Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mothers

Help, I feel culturally patronised

Xianny — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:11:39 -0800

My boyfriend's mother keeps trying to rename me and I find it offensive, what should I do? I use an anglicised version of my Chinese name for convenience. It's a nickname that my friends started using when I was around 13, so it's not just something that I made up. Upon meeting my boyfriend's mother, she concocted a more "English-sounding" pronunciation and spelling for my name - from "Xianny" to "Shanni".

I find "Shanni" to be ridiculously twee but even if I liked the name I don't like being renamed so casually and by someone else, especially someone that I'd (at the time) just met. It wasn't even in the context of "oh, that's hard for me to pronounce, can I call you Shanni instead?" - she just started doing it, no questions asked.

I would just write this off as a harmless annoyance, but for the fact that she's starting to be more aggressive about it and I find it quite rude and patronising. If other family members ask me how to spell my name in her presence, I'll start to tell them but she'll talk over me to deliver her version. On a recent birthday card from her and her mother (who I have a pretty close relationship with), she striked out my name and wrote "Shanni" instead. The rest of the family seem to have no problem with my name, it's just her, but I don't want to wind up having everyone call me "Shanni".

This is starting to bother me quite a bit. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years and I've known her for about 2 years. She doesn't take kindly to being corrected. She won't make a fuss, but usually just dismisses anyone who disagrees with her, and acts as if she's being personally insulted. How do I deal with this - should I talk to her about it at all? It's quite a close-knit family and simply avoiding her is not something I'm willing to do.

Mama Gambino

Unred — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:32:35 -0800

My mother spends a good deal of her day playing Mafia Wars and has accumulated hundreds of people she doesn't know on Facebook through the game. She is definitely not street savvy or tech savvy in any way and I'm worried that she may be taken advantage of. I don't play Mafia Wars, but I just don't trust that its taken up such a large part of her life right now. Is it just a way for her to pass the time? Or do I need to be concerned?

How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom?

Anonymous — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:10:13 -0800

How do I stop being jealous of my younger sister and pissed off at my mom? When I was in high school, I came out as gay and my parents were really homophobic. My mom also bullied me a lot about the course I took in university, and about moving away for school, even though I won scholarships that would have let me done that. I stayed in my hometown, and I struggled a lot with depression, insecurity, and eating problems while I did my undergrad - but also overcame these things and learned to be highly independent, finishing uni in a specialization I enjoyed, and supporting myself financially pretty much since I originally moved out. These days I’m living in another city, and doing well in grad school.

My sister is going to a prestigious grad school across the water in England, with the full support (loan & otherwise) of my parents (“oh, the experience of a lifetime!” etc.). I get along with my sister, but I find myself bitterly jealous of her, which upsets me. I’m pissed off because I know my mom was supporting my sister every step of the way.

I don’t like these feelings. I don't want to be hurtful and most importantly, I want to move on. I'm seeking advice for how to do this. Thanks.

Ensuring I never scream, "Tina, bring me the ax!"

thenewbrunette — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 14:21:41 -0800

Avoiding Mommie Dearest: How to raise a healthy, happy daughter when your own relationship with your mother was less than ideal? We're expecting our first child in January and just learned that "it" is a "she." The good news is that she's healthy and on track, and dearly wanted by both mother and father. However, as a first time mother with my own troubled mother/daughter relationship, the news of her gender has sent me into a panic. I want to enjoy the fact that I'll be having a daughter, but all I can do now is worry that I'll continue a vicious cycle of guilt, judgement, sarcasm, and dishonesty that still plagues my relationship with my mother (and grandmother). My goal, along with my partner, is to raise a resilient, happy, intelligent, compassionate, curious, and independent woman, while also allowing her to be whomever it is she's meant to be.

Can other women who had difficult mothers (or men who have raised daughters) pass along some wisdom or resources on how to foster a healthy, loving relationship with a daughter? FWIW I have a therapist and plan to discuss this topic in depth, but appreciate the thoughts of fellow AskMefites.

I've seen this thread: http://ask.metafilter.com/104513/Novels-about-women-and-their-crazy-moms but am hoping for something more about "breaking the cycle" when it comes to parenting your own child.

SteakFilter: Help us wow our Mom's with a great steak recipe for Mothers Day!

pghjezebel — Mon, 04 May 2009 12:34:33 -0800

SteakFilter: Help us wow our Mom's with a great steak recipe for Mothers Day! The Mom's in our family have requested steak for Mothers day dinner. We're tired of cooking the same old stuff (dry rubs, BBQ, plain grilled). What we need is a recipe that will wow them!

If it helps, so far the side dishes ideas being tossed around include:
Cauliflower Popcorn
Garlicky Greens
Polenta Fries or Spinach Mashed Potatoes
Salad

Help us wow our Mom's!

Novels about women and their crazy moms?

It ain't over yet — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:53:47 -0800

Novels about women and their crazy moms? Hit me!

Not even Mommie Dearest...

Madamina — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 19:51:35 -0800

Parents splitting up after 35 years -- maybe temporarily, but I'm betting on the long-term. They're both crazy, but my mom is C-R-A-Z-Y, and her poisonous attitude has now doomed this relationship for good. Our own relationship has always been strained, but how do I even begin to relate to her now? Background: I am in my late 20s and see my parents about once a week. I'll be in town for at least six more months as I finish grad school. My parents have had various problems for a long time, especially since my brother and I moved out, and now my mom has announced that they are "taking a vacation from each other." She will be staying in the family home, because she "knows how everything works" and she works out of the home; my dad will be renting a room a few blocks away.

My dad is hardly perfect, but he has tried so hard to do things on her terms and ask what he can do to make things better. My mom's M.O., however, is to have absolutely no idea what she wants and then, when presented with something in exasperation, yell, "OH, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

She is your basic passive-aggressive responsible first child Midwesterner. She has this habit of getting an idea in her head and, when things don't go according to plan, she gives up and shuts down. To give you an idea of our relationship, she once told me that she felt like a failure because things did not go the way she wanted, primarily because I had free will. (????) I know she was reflecting on herself, but I am an opera singing gameshow champion who will soon graduate from a master's program completely free of debts, police records and drug problems. Hel-LO.

She is just SO un-self-aware, and it has ruined our relationship. She is absolutely obsessed with propriety and the way things should be, so for example she manhandles me in public if I am bouncing my legs. But she thinks nothing about her own propriety, to the point of telling people she barely knows about how I supposedly spent my high school summers having sex in my boyfriend's dirty basement. No boundaries, no respect, nothing.

So she told me about the separation by saying that, "oh, it's no big deal" and then, as I sat there slackjawed, jumping straight into some breezy little anecdote about something funny that happened AS SHE LOOKED FOR A NEW HOME FOR MY DAD. And that's not a big deal? This is very typical. Throughout my life, I've been taught that my emotions are completely backwards from what they should be -- both from what she thinks they should be and what everyone else feels.

Hell, I've been upset with our relationship since I can remember. We're talking power struggles since I was 3. But what is usually a politely concealed simmer is making me want to napalm her house. Her behavior has made her waste money, fill the house with junk, and now has taken the last shred of stability away from my dad. I'm not even mad at them for separating; I've been separated myself, so I know it could go either way. But I am so very, very angry with her for treating this -- outwardly, at least -- as an opportunity to lie around with a margarita.

Where do I even begin?

(Yes, I've been in therapy for a long time, and have made some progress, and am staying as far away from the situation as I can.)

Mum thinks it's OK to sub-contract childcare - what do you think?

lottie — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 23:33:46 -0800

Perspective filter: When my Mum is caring for my baby, is it reasonable for her to have someone else, who I don't know, care for him? Angst and hair-pulling follows. I've hit a sticking point on an issue with my (beloved) Mum, and just need some objective viewpoints to understand who is misguided in this situation. We are the closest of friends, but we just can't seem to see eye-to-eye on this small point.

Some background: My Mum cares for my year-old son two days a week. For this I am very, very grateful because she does not want to be paid, does so with a great deal of love and energy, and takes time off work to do so. I have asked her many times if she is happy with the arrangement and she insists that she would be crushed if she couldn't care for him on those days. I trust her care completely - she is loving, attentive and has a lot of common sense. I can't fault her as a Mum, and Grandmother, after all she raised me and my brother without any problems.

Happy then.

Anyway, my son is with her now, and I just talked with her on the phone, and she said that a friend of hers from work is going to take care of my son tomorrow for a half hour to an hour while she goes to the gym with a friend. This news gave me a knot in the stomach - I have met the friend once, and while she seems nice enough, I have absolutely no real opinion of her, good or bad, I simply don't know her, so I was very upset that I was being told, not asked if this was an OK arrangement.

Mum's view is that if I trust her, I trust her completely to make good choices, and that she would never leave my baby with someone she didn't feel was up to it. My position is that is beside the point - I do trust her, but I simply do not know this woman from a bar of soap. The friend is doing this as favour, by the way, not being paid or anything like that. I'm not a control freak, but I do feel I should have been consulted about this, not just told after the plans had been made.

I don't have any specific concerns, but if Mum has asked me if it was OK to sub-contract the care of my son, I would have asked a number of questions to figure out how I felt about it, such as where is she taking him? Is she driving anywhere? How long will you be? Will she be alone? Or with other people? I don't know if it's OK with me, because I don't know all the details.

My son has, to date, only been cared for by family and close personal friends. I've left him in the care of a close friend, but wouldn't leave him with a baby-sitter yet, because he's pretty young. When I put it to Mum that I don't leave him in the care of anyone but the closest of friends or family, she said "Oh, but he goes to childcare one day a week - those aren't family or freinds!" This is ridiculous to me - those are trained pros, and not the same as some friend she knows from work.

Mum is very upset over me saying I think she should have asked, and is basically saying "Well I won't go then... forget it" and points out, honestly enough, that she doesn't have a lot of time in her week to do the things she wants because of caring for the baby. I am very empathetic to this, and have said over and over that it's not about saying she can't go and do these things, it's the consultation with me about the baby's care that is the issue.

The reason this is a big deal is that she can't see it my way, and I can't see it hers. She's very upset by it and says I obviously don't trust her to make good choices. I feel frustrated because I feel like my problem with the situation isn't at all being understood, but don't want to give the impression that I don't appreciate the help she gives me. I don't want to think I'm a controlling pain in the ass - she should feel she has freedom when he is in her care, but for me, this was an obvious limit that I feel should have been discussed. She has also said she should have "just done it, and not told me" then it wouldn't have been such a big issue. Very frustrating for me, lemme tell ya.

She asks me what I could possibly think would go wrong, and I say, I don't really anticipate anything going wrong, I would just like to personally know anyone who is going to take care of my baby son. What if this person does the same and hands the baby to a friend or relative while she goes and does something? I don't know because I don't know the person.

I have said now that it's OK for her to stick with her plans, I just would have liked a chat first, but she is basically saying "Forget it, I won't go" like I took the joy out of life for her. We are going around in circles over this.

If it helps to understand the situation at all, we rarely, if ever disagree. And another tiny element - she is in a country location where from her perspective, everything is laid back and OK, and for her to know someone chatting at work makes them an intimate friend to her.

Some perspective, if you please... who needs to shift position on this? Do we both need to get over it?

How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago?

Anonymous — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 19:10:46 -0800

How to help a parent and her adult children cope with an assault that happened 40 years ago? My mother was sexually assaulted on a date when she was a teenager. Despite seeing various therapists, she is still haunted by the incident and mentions it frequently and in seemingly unrelated conversations, (ie. she will start a sentence with; "Well, when I was raped..."). I'm sympathetic to the situation and have tried to be a good listener. The incident had a huge, negative effect on her life, her self-esteem and the way she views her body and her sexuality. My mother has had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety and I suspect she has borderline personality disorder. At this point, she is resistant to getting any further psychological treatment and gets incredibly defensive when the issue is mentioned. She adamantly believes that there is nothing the matter and that she's perfectly fine. She's adverse to any kind of support group (I've tried).

She first told me of this incident in her life when I was 11, during a 'birds and the bees' sort of talk. She frequently brought the assault up, in increasing detail during my teenage years. In a way, knowing that this terrible thing happened proved to be a cautionary tale for my own life as I began to date and it helped me to understand my mother and some of her behaviors. On the other hand, I feel that constantly hearing about my mother being victimized really messed with me and probably contributed to me spending my teens and early 20s as an angry, depressed, sexually aggressive, and promiscuous young woman. It's almost like my mother's trauma was super-imposed onto my life for awhile. Yes, I've been through loads of therapy to discuss these issues and have grown into a relatively happy, stable adult.

So it is 40 years after the assault and my mom still brings it up in regular conversations, particularly when she is feeling some of the same feelings that she felt back then: powerless, scared, or victimized...which seems to be a lot lately.

I have two pre-teen nieces and I want to protect them from having to hear repeatedly all about how my mom was raped as a teenager. I don't want my nieces to have to carry the same psychological burden on their shoulders as I did.

I need help coming up with some gentle, sensitive and diplomatic things to say to my mom to let her know how that yes, we do care about her and that we'd like to help her cope with the memories of the assault, but also to utilize some discretion when discussing it.

Make my mom's day!

keep it tight — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:38:30 -0800

So what are you getting for your mom on mothers day? Mothers day is just around the corner and i once again am stuck. My mom is young, in good health, and currently at the beach with my dad. She has pretty much everything she wants...

Other the lunch out or a Starbucks gift card, I am stuck with no ideas!

Help me hive!

Films about Mothers and Daughters

mooza — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 22:03:59 -0800

Mothers and daughters and the films about them - can you name some? I'm trying to come up with a list of films that deal with motherhood, mothers and daughters, conflict and reconciliation and what have you. Specifically I'm after films about older mothers and grown up daughters, not stuff like Stepmom or Freaky Friday. Can you help?

I'm my mother's favorite. Now what?

GardnerDB — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 13:04:24 -0800

My mother recently told me I'm her favorite child. How can I deal with the guilt? I "came out" to my mother recently and she was devastated. She was hysterical for hours and made many coherent, semi-coherent, and incoherent comments while tears streamed down her face. One of the things she said was that she was especially disappointed by my revelation because I am her favorite child (she has 4).

I have spent a lifetime (26 years) trying to convince my siblings that I'm not our mother's favorite child--and I really did believe I wasn't her favorite. She didn't treat me any better than her other children. The two of us have a similar sense of humor and our personalities are very similar, so we get along very well. But now I feel incredibly guilty. Not because I disappointed my mother, but because my siblings were right all these years. I feel like it's not appropriate for my mother to have a favorite child.

What can I do to help me deal with the guilt I'm experiencing? Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

Nope... doesn't ring a bell.

musicinmybrain — Sun, 29 Jul 2007 19:51:03 -0800

My mother has decided she wants a Tibetan singing bowl. Any recommendations? My mother has decided that she wants to be the proud owner of a Tibetan singing bowl. I'd like to help her find one that neither complete junk nor particularly costly. Nice appearance is a plus, but emphasis is on the sound/function. Also, it doesn't have to actually come from Tibet, and it certainly needn't be an antique.

It looks like there are lot of people trying to peddle singing bowls and very little objective information on purchasing one. Can anyone recommend a source or give any general suggestions?

Good Historical Fiction For My Mother?

thivaia — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 14:44:06 -0800

Help me recommend a historical novel to my mother. My mother is going to the beach next week and has called to ask for book recommendations. I'm usually pretty good at this, but this year she has made a very specific request for historical novels that are (her words) "not too dark, not too philisophical or too political, romantic, but reasonably well-written. Also, a page turner."

It should be stated that my mother's view of "historical" does not include fantasy, nor does it include any time period past, say, 1800. (The last novels I read that dealt with the rough period she's looking for were TC Boyle's "Water Music" and Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle, both of which I loved, neither I doubt she'd like at all.) However, she has generally good taste in literature, likes a writer that can turn a phrase, is not one to read bodice rippers, and is pretty progressive (not likely to be offended, in other words).

I know this is not terribly specific, but I'm trying to be a helpful daughter. I own hundreds of books (literally) and yet I seem unable to come up with anything and she's constantly disappointed by the Amazon recommendations and such.

My mother makes me want to die sometimes.

Anonymous — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:17:40 -0800

Do you hate your mother? My mother has psychologically tormented me (and my younger brother) all of our lives. She lamented having children (she could have gone to medical school), she had no joy in raising us, she preferred anyone else's children to us, she told us we were worthless.... there is so much more. She was cold and she was cruel. We are the only ones who seem to know the truth about how ugly her heart is- my father is in denial, her friends worship her, and so does her own mother.

I'm 36, have my own life, children that I adore, a life partner that I adore. But I am consumed with bitterness. I know I need therapy and I am actively seeking it.

But I would be so encouraged by hearing from others who have prevailed over experiences like mine. How did you know when you got to the point where your mother could say anything at all- and it wouldn't make you wither and die inside?

The day I dread is the day where she requires eldercare and it falls to me. My brother was so shaken up by her - I can't imagine him being able to step up.

How to make her a social butterfly?

bluenausea — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:26:38 -0800

My mother will be living alone in DC next year. I'm worried that she's going to spend her evenings alone and depressed. Help me think of stuff for her to do. My parents have lived in DC for probably 20 years, but, starting in the fall, my dad will start working out of state and come home only on alternate weekends. I'm moving out of the country around the same time. So my mother will be on her own without my dad and me as resources. We've talked about ways to get her more involved and more out of the house (she tends to spend most evenings in bed watching TV or reading; no, she is not depressed). I've been full of encouragement but short on concrete ideas.

A couple of the things I think she might like: classically-minded book clubs, volunteering (ESL in the evenings somewhere? women's advocacy?), sewing classes, exercise classes (not sure she would go for that last one). I'm really looking for activities that will allow her to meet people and make friends. Do people have other ideas or recommendations for stuff in the DC area?

(As background, my mother is mid-50s, fairly traditional, fairly quiet, likes reading, gardening, sewing; does not like exercise, large animals, or popular culture, is generally a homebody and will sometimes stop things before they have a chance to work out.)

General advice or insight on managing solitary parents would be appreciated as well.

How to gently get my mom to stop calling all the shots

slyboots421 — Fri, 11 May 2007 07:57:04 -0800

Any advice on how to cut the "apron strings" from my mother, who I love very much but have become a little resentful of? I know that this question will probably make me seem like a selfish, spoiled little brat, but I really hope it doesn't.
Here's me in a nutshell: 24, female, college graduate, full-time worker (and then some). I was my mom's first of two daughters, and all my life she has said there was no choice but for me to go to college. I had to become independent and there was no need to get married or any reason to even want to get married, since I should be able to sustain myself.
Basically, everything she didn't do - she got married young and had me young, and referred to that time a lot as a "mistake" - as in "Don't make the same mistakes I did." I know she loves me and we're incredibly close and I love her, but I couldn't help but feel she counted me as one of those "mistakes."
So fast forward, I go away to college even though I wasn't really ready. My parents get divorced. They both remarry. My mom's new husband is the owner/president of his own company. When I graduate college, my mom has taken over the management of an apartment building that my grandparents own, and an apartment opens up. So I move back to town, but am pretty much only given the option of living in this apartment, since I was clearly not welcome to move in with my mom and stepdad and my dad and his wife were pretty much not an option either. So, fine, I'll move into this apartment. So when the time comes to find a job, my stepdad tells me that the receptionist at his office will be out for 6 weeks so I could fill in for her, and look for a job while I did that. So (I've posted about this before so please bear with me) I live in Michigan, and our economy is not so good, and I've wanted to move out of state for at least the past four years. Instead, I'm still at my stepdad's company, over two years later, doing basically nothing and still searching for jobs. I somehow have no money saved, hardly any applicable experience in the field I want to get into (writing/publishing/editing) except for 9 months at a newspaper, and I managed to get myself into a fair amount of credit card debt. Due largely to my mom's urging and also some good advice I got the last time I posted about this, I got a second job waiting tables and now anticipate being done with my debt payoff at the end of this month.
I still want to move. My mom is telling me that I should keep working at this restaurant to save some money. While this makes sense, I'm physically exhausted. I work sometimes until 3 am and then have to be at the office at 8, and then work again the following night. I'm currently battling a really bad cold/sinus deal because my immune system is not running on all 8 cylinders, because of no sleep and physical exhaustion. My mom is insisting that I keep it up. Now, years ago, she worked at nights while my sister and I were young and my dad worked days, so someone was always there for us, but she throws it in my face like it's not reasonable for me to be tired. "Well, I did it, with two kids." But she didn't work 20 hour days (not that having kids around is a piece of cake, but still) and she had a husband to help her out. Meanwhile I'm being ridiculous if I wonder if I'll ever get married, because what's my hurry, be independent. Yet after she married my stepdad she doesn't work and will never have to again. Then she acts like she had to work really hard to get to where she is. I always want to say, Yes Mom, you did work really hard and we had a great and comfortable life because of all that you and Dad contributed. But you definitely didn't earn the position you're in now, which is basically that of a trophy wife. If she hadn't married my stepdad she'd be working the same kind of schedule I am. I feel like she's got both empty nest syndrome and is also trying to re-live her bartending days vicariously through me. I feel like my whole life is existent so she can repair her "mistakes." I feel like she doesn't think I can actually pack up and move, and maybe it's because I feel like she's a puppetmaster who has dictated my whole post-college life. I live where I live because of her. I work where I work because of her. I haven't done anything officially on my own except maintain both of these things and that really, really bothers me. Even though maybe I resent her insistence that I be independent, I really am. I don't have a boyfriend and never really have - I kill bugs, put in my own window AC units in the summer, fix things around my place, do whatever - "I don't need a man." So with all this independence I am still completely indebted to her. And I resent that. I know this sounds horribly selfish - not many people can say they left college and went right into a job or had their own place. But I feel like if I had never fallen into the cushion of having this job where no one expects much of me because everyone knows I plan on leaving, I'd be long gone by now and actually happy and productive. Instead I'm depressed, always tired and the past two years have zapped me of the motivation I used to feel. I now feel like I'm too dumb to do anything. I want to break this cycle and get out of this job, out of my apartment and out of this state, but my mom keeps pushing me to keep working at the bar at night and saving some money. Again, this makes sense, but I can't do it anymore. If I keep this up I'll be here for another year or more and get even more unhappy.
I want to basically stop being my mom's puppet, even though the things she does, she does out of love. (Then there's the part of me that hates to wonder if she does all this to "show up" my dad and say, See, look what we did for her, what have you done. Even though he's been a wonderful father and provider and I've never wanted for anything, from either of them, my whole life.)
If anyone has any advice, or tips, or similar experiences to share I'd be eternally grateful. I hope I don't come across as sounding selfish. I really just don't know how to get out of this tailspin.

Dessert ideas needed

disaster77 — Wed, 09 May 2007 09:55:25 -0800

I need dessert idea(s) to accommodate some restrictions. I've been delegated the task of making dessert for Mother's Day. Some family members are coming to our house for dinner and dessert. I need a dessert that will accommodate some restrictions, but not turn off the chocoholics. The group will consist of:

1 diabetic
1 dairy-free
2 crazy chocoholics
3 people who just want something tastey

The diabetic will only eat a small amount if any, so maybe it's not really something to take into consideration. At most family get-togethers no one takes it into consideration, but it's my grandmother and it's Mother's Day, so I'd like to accommodate her if possible.

Is it possible? Maybe I should just make 2 desserts.

Looking for sound system advice.

Alex404 — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 09:41:53 -0800

My mother has an ideal speaker system in mind, but no idea what that entails. Being the computer literate son, I'm expected to deal with all things technological. Unfortunately, I don't know much about audio myself, so I was wondering if anyone here could help.

Here's the general idea:

There's a TV room and a living room across from each other in the house. Ideally we'd have two speakers in each room setup so that the following things could happen: TV is running all speakers or only one room's speakers; CD player is running all speakers or only one room's speakers; both TV and CD player are on in different rooms.

She's not that picky about sound quality - she's not going to be listening to music THAT loudly (relative to my generations tastes) and as long as it sounds good and clear, she should be happy.

Another big plus would be some form of MP3 support. I'm not at all sure how this could be supported, but whether it was streamed directly off a computer, or fed from an iPod, or perhaps even a usb drive or burnt CD (or anything else) it should all be fine.

The ideal price range is less then $600, but I'm not sure if that's realistic.

Thanks for any help.

You're just like my mother.

lannanh — Mon, 03 Jul 2006 21:25:53 -0800

MyMomDamagedMeForTheRestOfMyLifeFilter: How do I stop this learned pattern of co-dependent(?) behavior? I just had a revelation today as to why I'm so emotionally worn down and broken. I just realized I am treating my closest girlfriends like my mother.

Some history, I'm adopted, the youngest and only girl with 4 older brothers. My parents were divorsed when I was 5 and due to being a girl, I was sent to live with my mother. Unfortunately, my mother was highly unstable, being diagnosed as manic depressive she had many break downs, and ended up in the psych ward a several times. Her life caused a lot of termoil for both of us, she's been married 8 times, and we moved at least on average once a year. Throughout most of this, I was her main emotional support, comforting her when she was depressed, trying to deal with her emotions as a child.

Fastforward to my life as an adult, I am finding that I am playing that same role with several of my closest girlfriends. We live a crazy lifestyle, with a good amount of hard partying, and it's starting to take a toll. I have several girlfriends who have a tendency to break down quite often. They all are in long term relationships, either married or w/ live in bf so I am not their sole source of support. Needless to say, I find myself always feeling the need to do whatever is in my power to prevent break downs from happening, or alleviating it as much as possible if it does.

Oddly enough, I am fairly new to this group, but have become key with in the cirlce, w/ each of the girls telling me I was brought into their life for a reason and they are continually telling me how important and special I am to them which I of course. I am litterally each couples child. I also find that my presence helps each SO deal w/ their delicate and emotional girl. But it's draining me to the point of unhealth, where I think I am going to have a breakdown.

I realized this today, when I started thinking about how one of my closest gf's reminded me of my mother, and this was really a revelation which I had never thought of before. And then I end-up seeing the pattern. How happy I am when she is happy and I how I often feel it's my responsibility somehow to make sure she's happy and how this actually extened to two of my other gf's and my larger circle overall. It's killing me though, the stress is becoming more than I can bear but I don't know how to let these girls (or the rest of my friends) experience their emotions w/ out feeling guilt and the need to come in and rescue and console them immediately regardless of what sacrafices I have to make.

I'm sorry, I don't know where else to go with this question, I obviously can't talk to any of these girls about it because I'm afriad they will feel bad about me feeling like this.

Custom jewelry in Boston area?

genefinder — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 07:21:15 -0800

Does anyone have recommendations for custom jewelry in the Boston area? For Mother's Day I would like to get my wife a Mother's Ring with the birthstones of our children. I see many variations online, but the gemstones they use aren't what I want. Specifically, they use Pink Tourmaline for October, and I would like to get the ring with Opal which will look nicer (sorry to any huge Pink Tourmaline fans out there).

Does anyone know of, or better yet had a good experience with, a custom jeweler in the Boston area? I wouldn't worry about price when reccomending, as I can always investigate each suggestion on my own.

Thanks for the help.

Finding contact information for birth mother.

redsparkler — Sat, 25 Dec 2004 16:51:25 -0800

I've recently been given new information about my birth mother (i was adopted at the age of two). The information includes her first and last name, her social security number, and more. Using her name and the beauty of the interweb, i have found that she has married and is probably living in California. Is there any easy & reputable way to get a mailing address for the purpose of a brief "dear you" letter ? I hesitate to use the charming websites that pop up on google (Find Anyone!!! Anywhere!!!) for various reasons. Free would be a good cost. I feel like with her social security number and name I should be able to track down at least an address through a DMV or somesuch, but nothing seems to be working yet.

Kid's Book Highlighting Moms

smcniven — Thu, 16 Dec 2004 17:02:03 -0800

Children's Books: Earlier this year, my wife bought our toddler this book. Our son (22 months) loves this book right now and is alway getting one of us to read it to him.

Now my wife is feeling a twinge of jealousy over him being a such a daddy's boy. As her birthday is coming up, I'd like to find a similar book geared towards mothers. Any suggestions?