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Depressed father, mother miserable too - what can we adult children do?

smockpuppet — Sat, 18 May 2013 09:14:50 -0800

My dad, in his 60s, seems to be depressed. He is deeply unhappy and anxious, and he's also become angry and bitter to the point of a total personality change, mostly with my mum. She is miserable, and me and my siblings are so worried about both of them, especially because Dad refuses to get any help or even have a conversation about this. What, if anything, can we do here? Apologies in advance for the length of this; I'm having trouble even parsing the situation inside my own head. For info, me and my two siblings (late 20s/early 30s) live some distance away from our parents; brother #1 is literally on the other side of the world, me and brother #2 are closer but still several hours' travel away from them. We're in the UK. Parents have been married 30+ years.

My dad lost his job three years ago. It was a really awful situation - he had worked for the same small company in a struggling industry for decades, but it went into administration, was bought over by another company, and the new managers put them through hell (the details of which would take up a whole other question, but trust me, it was bad). After six months of this, my usually stoic, unrattleable dad was sitting in the car crying every morning. He was signed off work with stress by his doctor, and offered a redundancy payment from the company, which he took. I know this was really hard for him - he'd got through a lot of stressful years in that job by being determined to stick it out and keep the company going until he retired, and watching most of his friends there get laid off one by one was horrendous. He also comes from quite a traditional background and was always the main breadwinner, so losing that role had to be tough. They had my mum's job, though, and after a few months my dad got a part-time job at a friend's small business, doing something totally different, which until recently he seemed to enjoy.

We were all really worried about him at the time he lost his old job. The doctor gave him antidepressants, which he took but didn't like (said they just made him sleepy). But just the act of speaking to the doctor, a man he has a lot of respect for, seemed to help. His friends pulled together for him, his family supported him all we could, and he did seem to be getting better. Still not himself, still sort of shell-shocked and quieter than he used to be, but at least seeing the positive side of things again and doing things that made him happy.

Over the last year or so, though, things have been getting worse. I suspected this was the case, but only found out how bad it was fairly recently, after brother #2 visited my parents and was shocked at the change in him. He is miserable all the time now, interspersed with being angry - at my mum, at my brothers, at all the friends he thinks are forcing him to go out and do things. He thinks all the people he knows have got better lives than he has, and if he even bumps into someone he knows will come home ranting and raving about how miserable his life is compared to theirs (in terms of everything in his life being against him, not in terms of acknowledging he is ill and needs help). He's stopped seeing most of his friends, stopped going along to his hobbies. He goes to work, comes home, eats and then goes to sleep. He must be sleeping about 12 hours a day.

He's also convinced he's in serious financial trouble. My parents aren't as well-off as they were before he lost the job, but they're doing okay. I'm assured of this by both my mum and brother #2, who sat down with my parents and a spreadsheet to look at all their finances for them last time he was home - the mortgage on their house is paid off, they're paying off one credit card which will take them another couple of months, but after that they can start saving again, and they're in no financial difficulty at the moment. My dad refuses to believe this. He wants to sell the house and sell all their belongings (including things like his music system, which used to bring him so much joy), and regularly - as in daily - criticises my mum for everything they've ever spent money on, because as he sees it they wouldn't be in this situation now if they hadn't done that kitchen renovation in 1996. My mum's reassurances don't help, my brother showing him the figures didn't help, suggesting that he sees a financial adviser doesn't help ("what's a financial adviser going to tell me that I don't already know?"), even getting someone who borrowed money off him to send him evidence that he was paying it back didn't help (he refused to look at the email). He's just convinced of this.

He also gets angry or annoyed with my mum for, well, pretty much everything as far as I can tell. Recently he complained that their bedroom was too full of clothes. She spent the morning sorting through the clothes, and taking about half of them to a charity shop - and then when she got home, he complained that looking at the bedroom wasn't any use at all when what she really needed to do was sort through the coats in the porch, why do we even have so many it's ridiculous. He alternately complains that she spends too much time cleaning the house, and that the house is not clean enough. He does nothing around the house any more, no housework or gardening or anything - he is either at work, asleep, or following my mum around complaining about what she's doing wrong.

He refuses to go out with her to see their friends, and refuses to let her have friends over. Any time she tries talking to him about how worried she is or how upset she is, he gets angry and says there's nothing wrong with him and everyone else, particularly her, is just making him miserable. He doesn't even see most of his friends any more, and the ones he is still speaking to, he won't speak to when my mum can overhear. He even got someone to help him put a lock on his phone, so she can't see any of his calls or messages (my parents have always treated their phones as pretty much interchangeable). All he'll tell her is that his friends are looking out for a flat for him to move into. My mum was sobbing on the phone telling me all of this. She's a really sweet, gentle person, and she's just been trying to "make things as easy for him as possible so he'll have less stress", but no matter what she does he gets angry with her.

He acts a little more normal over the phone with me and my brothers, but not enough that we haven't spotted a problem. I tried speaking to him last time I visited to tell him I was worried, and it was just impossible - he just switched the conversation into complaining about my mum, my brothers, one of the dogs (he has developed a totally irrational hatred for one, but only one, of the dogs - the other he still loves, I have no idea what this is about). Literally like this:
"Dad, I'm really worried about you. You seem so unhappy."
"Well I've told your mum she shouldn't have painted the bathroom, she just won't listen to me."
"It's not about the bathroom, Dad, it's about you. You're just so different, you yell at everyone, you don't even seem interested in any of us any more, it's not like you."
"Well you're just saying that because I don't like the stupid dog."
"It's not about the dog, Dad. It's about you. You're not yourself, nothing makes you happy, you don't even seem to want to speak to any of your children any more, we're worried."
"Well this is just the way I am and you'll have to get used to it."

I know how awful he sounds from all this, I really do. But, honestly, this is not the father I've known all my life - the kind and gentle and thoughtful and generous father who was totally devoted to my mum and to us kids. I don't even know this man he's become. I know depression can have this effect on people - and I do think he's depressed - but God it's hard. I'm torn between being seriously, seriously worried about him, and wanting to yell at him for making my mum so miserable.

After much begging from me, my mum has agreed to make a doctor's appointment for him with the doctor he liked before, although she's doubtful he'll agree to go and is worried that he'll just get angry at her for making it. I've suggested that if he refuses to go, she should go instead. I don't really know what to do beyond that point, although me and brother #2 are discussing both of us visiting to try and talk to him in person, with brother #1 beaming in via Skype, and see if we can get him to at least understand how worried we are and how serious this is. I don't think even that will work, though.

Is there anything we can do? How do you get someone help if they absolutely refuse to listen to you? Is there a chance he'll come out of this on his own, at least enough to see how bad this is? We're all so worried, and it's breaking our hearts.

What to do with these mothers?

aniola — Fri, 03 May 2013 13:12:20 -0800

Our kombucha keeps growing! What do we do with the SCOBY? I hear it tastes like squid. There are already plenty of people giving mothers away on Craigslist in my area. I imagine many pets would like to eat it, but I don't have any pets. I'm sure it would be great for the compost, but isn't it perfectly good food?

What can I do with it? Do you have any SCOBY recipes or ideas for using it as food? Other suggestions?

Need advice - Taking care of my mother.

j1sh — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 21:41:00 -0800

What should I do about my mother? I don't get along with her or like her, nor can I afford to have her live with me. Yet she has nowhere to go. I'm in Canada. What are my options? My mom is 63 and still able to work. She has a hard time finding jobs - she's been a live-in caregiver/nanny for a few years now. Most people don't want to hire someone at this age.

She's made terrible decisions all of her life and squandered money that she's mooched off of every family member possible. As soon as I started working she depended on me for paying maintainance fees at our old apartment which she still destroyed via neglect. I moved out ASAP. She is following me around my whole life and she moves in whenever she's between jobs. I can't stand it, she is strange and has strange habits and all of my landlords have hated her (I rent a basement at the moment). My current place isn't meant for two people, either. I can only afford to take care of myself at the moment. I wouldn't mind having her live in the basement if I owned a house but until then, no!!! I am almost certain she will get me kicked out of my current rental arrangement and destroy my life.

So I don't like her, but she's my mother and I can't just leave her on the street. She refuses to accept Ontario Works or any other service. What is a moral way out of this that doesn't destroy either of our lives?

Thanks for any help - I've run out of ideas here!

Is it ever okay to cut off a parent?

ADent — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 15:30:16 -0800

I am at a point where I really would like to cut my mother off my life. Am I a scumbag? My mother was physically abusive, hysterical and psychologically poisonous. She terrified me for what seemed to be never-ending years.

I moved states a couple of years ago, and now she likes to pretend we were always a perfect family. She calls every week, comes and visits once in a while (major PTSD for me) and when she heard I was going to therapy because I have horribly low self-esteem her reply was “Yes you do, and that is all your fault”, so I guess she did some major history revision and now thinks she was lovely and I’m insane.

Because she had such a horrible temper and would fight with people left and right (in the street, at school, everywhere), and call them horribly vulgar names, my father, my sisters and I always protected her and were very careful about not making her mad (which was unavoidable, really).

So due to a recent display of her manipulative bullshit, I wrote an email to my dad telling him exactly how I felt about my mom and all the misery she has caused me. This is like a taboo for our family, because for she is supposed to be perfect and misunderstood, so the email didn’t go over well. They haven’t contacted me ever since (first time ever this has happened).

I understand that I made my dad deal with issues he didn’t want to deal with. But on my defense, this email was a reply to an initial email he wrote to me, telling me he could not deal with her anymore (also a first). I accept I may have been too direct, but honestly, I’m don't really regret it. I’m kind of relieved and now I realize that when they want to fix things (I am sure they expect me to crawl back and apologize and again pretend it was all my imagination) I will simply refuse. I am a little bit sad, I feel like I’m grieving for the family I never had, but I am not grieving for my actual mother, and I understand that it’s the decision of my father and my sisters to side with her because that’s what we always did.

But now that I have made the decision of cutting off all contact with my mother, and maybe my whole family, I am starting to feel really guilty about all the pain I will cause them. I know my mom is probably suffering hysterically, and my father and sisters feel betrayed. But I am so happy… I feel finally free. I don’t want her to ever visit or call or have anything to do with me. I don’t want to see her ever again. I know it’s childish but I can’t forgive her, especially when she is not even sorry.

Am I a scumbag? Is it ever okay to cut off a parent? Should the hurt feelings of my other relatives supersede my need to be away from her?

My family is in trouble. To what extent is it my duty to help?

Basque13 — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 22:17:12 -0800

My sister (late 30s) has recently given birth to a baby who is probably affected by Down syndrome. There will most likely not be a father in the picture. She also has an 8 y.o. daughter from a different, also absent father. They live at my mother’s house in a small town. My sister has a story of emotional instability and I often fear for my niece and nephew. My sister was molested by my father when she was in her late teens. She is extremely dependent on (and at the same time hostile to) my mother. My mother (divorced), in turn, is struggling to help her and the little children, while having to deal with lack of money and her own (physical) health issues. I (male) am the middle child, 8 years younger than my sister. I´ve lived in a big city for the last 6 years. I´m economically independent (yet also struggling) and starting a career in academia. I feel that if I don´t go back to my home town and help my family, things will deteriorate further. On the other hand, my chances of professional growth would be reduced by moving back there. Do you think a sacrifice of this sort is the right thing to do? My sister probably suffers from bipolar disorder, but refuses to seek professional help. She sometimes expresses concern and affection for her brothers and mother, but is overwhelmed by anger and depression. She is, among other things, often difficult to interact with, often (verbally) aggressive, controlling, volatile and negligent of her personal appearance and health. I´m afraid she is doing things that might be harmful to her children at different levels e.g.: she refused to allow her daughter to sleep in a separate bed till my niece was 6, insisting that they should sleep together, my sister would also keep their house front door wide open to the street all night in the summer while she was in bed (even though they live in an area where crime rates are high). She loves her children and makes just enough money to support them, but she seems to have too serious, unsolved issues to be a healthy mother. I suspect by what she says and does that she had children (both times out of casual relationships with men who soon disappeared) to fill her loneliness and give her some reason to live. She recently said she wants to move with her children out of my mother’s house.
My mother cares greatly for her family, and kept the family together when my (diagnosed bipolar) father had a deep and long psychological crisis and finally left home. Nowadays her main source of income is the small rent she collects from a couple of low cost apartments she owns (just enough to cover her living expenses). But she really dislikes running this business and finds it very difficult to confront the often abusive tenants. She is a meek and kind person who prefers to avoid conflict and therefore often agrees to whatever conditions tenants want (rent included), however unreasonable those may be.
I know I could relieve my mother from the burden of that work she dislikes (and she would gladly accept). I think I might also help protect my nephew and niece (so far she is doing fine, but I am worried about what the long-term consequences might be) from my sister´s issues, and eventually influence my sister to seek help. I realize the latter is a long shot. I also know that I have a duty to myself to try to become the researcher I want to become. It´s just that the two alternatives are literally hundreds of miles apart and seem mutually exclusive today.
Which path (or combination) do you think would be both preferable and morally sound? I would greatly appreciate your views on this conflict.
PS: We have one younger, adult brother we are on good terms with, but he has already made his choice to pursue an artistic career away from the family problems.

80 year old MIL talks incessantly

seekingsimplicity — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 15:59:02 -0800

My 80 year old mother- in- law of 30 years talks non-stop about things I am not interested in----- but the people-pleaser in me keeps listening to her politely and I end up feeling exhausted. I see other family members interrupting her mid-sentence or just walking off while she is talking and out of guilt I guess I keep listening to her ad nauseum.

I have very little in common with her and am not really interested in the details of events that she offers in conversation. I feel like I am not true to myself when I listen to her.

I even avoid being by myself with her when we are at her house and I about die when the phone rings and it is her.

Part of me feels like I should give her the gift of listening to her (she is 80 years old!) but another part of me feels very impatient with the whole situation.

I know she will never change but would like some advice about how to be polite but also be able to get out of a LONG conversation with her.

Any exit strategys welcome.

What the heck is wrong with my mother?!

the liquid oxygen — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:52:19 -0800

My mom is well-meaning. She tries hard to be good and kind. I would be in dead a ditch without her. However, she is far and away the most emotionally manipulative person I have ever met. The most succinct way I can describe her behavior this: Every conversation about a problem-- even if it's not related to her behavior-- turns into a conversation about what a bad person she is. YANMPsychologist. But she doesn't have one and won't get one, and I need some kind of term to frame her behavior so I can look up resources on how to talk to her without wanting to scream. Examples of her behavior:

- Talk about cleaning. Anything. I dare you. I dare you to say you did the dishes. Let her see you pick up that paper towel that fell on the floor-- I hope you're ready for a ten minute exchange about how she's sorry she didn't do it herself, god, she's such a bad housekeeper, you shouldn't have to work so hard, she's a terrible person.

- Mention some person's bad child-rearing skills. A coworker, a public figure, the parents of a serial killer on Cold Case Files-- anyone. I'm sorry, you thought you were talking about [foo]? NO, we're talking about mom, now, and how terrible mom is and why she should never have been allowed to have kids. (Never mind what this implies she thinks about you.)

- If she's venting about her horrid coworkers, do not try to agree with her about how horrid they are. This will end with an argument about how no, sweetie, to be fair, I deserved to be yelled at or blamed for something some other slacker did, because it's my own fault.

If you respond to her self-loathing subject change in any way other than repeatedly assuring her she is not a bad person/mother/employee/whatever, the conversation spirals downward further. The terminus of this Sadtrak invariably lies in "Then I just shouldn't talk anymore"-town or "I should go away"-sville. I generally don't mind constantly reassuring her that she's not a bad person, because I love her to bits, so this wouldn't be a problem, except for two things.

- She actually did neglect me when I was a kid. After my stepdad died, she checked out for a long time and among other things this resulted in me having head lice for two whole years, during which I became the junior high-school pariah for obvious reasons. After all the crap that happened during those two years I still have to remind myself sometimes that my friends actually like me, and aren't just getting close to me so they can play practical jokes on me in front of my peers. Any time she wants to talk about how she was a bad mom she brings this up, and, I gotta be honest, I still haven't forgiven her for it. So having to tell her she's a good mom when she's appealing to this particular thing, just to get her to shut up with the self-hatred, makes my blood boil.

- She isn't just a bad housekeeper, she's got a mild hoarding bug. I don't mind cleaning-- I like organizing stuff, and hey, she raised me and helped me out when I was deathly ill in the hospital. But by necessity I sometimes have to ask her where she wants something, if it's okay if I put this or that thing we don't use in the shed or the garbage, etc. This triggers the Bad Housekeeping Awards, Hosted by Mom every freaking time. I'm not sure how to avoid this one because I can't live in a trash heap and I don't want her to either because her health is declining and she deserves better (even if she doesn't think so, damnit).

I know I should not be living at home in this kind of environment, but because of medical issues I have I'm 10s of 1000s of $ in debt and my credit rating is lodged in a sea vent at the bottom of the Marianas Trench somewhere. I don't see any way out of having to live here right now. So please tell me WTF her problem is, so I can look up conversation strategies to deal with it, and maybe also strategies to help me BREATHE.

Recurring dream

thank you silence — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 03:07:19 -0800

I keep having the same dream over and over. Has anyone else had this? So it's 6am and I am laying in bed after what seems like my millionth dream about my mom, who passed away a little over a year ago. A few months after she died I would have basically the same dream every night for weeks--she was always alive in these dreams, and although I knew she was dead it was almost like she had been given some more time but I knew she'd have to "go back" soon. Sometimes she looked well, but most of the time she was frail like she was at the end. I figured these dreams were my subconscious way of dealing with her loss. I entered grief therapy shortly after and the dreams slowly faded.

Now over a year later they're back, and so frequent I can't even keep track. It feels like one a night for going on weeks now. The setting is usually my childhood home, and sometimes my mom talks to me in these dreams...tonight she said she was feeling better and was trying to regain her strength. A few weeks ago she told me she could see me from heaven.

I guess I don't know what my question really is...I don't mind the dreams but some part of me feels like there's something I need to address that I am missing completely. I also wonder if anyone else has had this experience. Thank you.

How can I cope with a toxic parent while I work to get free?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 14:24:40 -0800

What can I do to better cope with the mounting stresses of completely cutting ties with an emotionally abusive Mom? I have severe depression, anxiety and other issues. I'm seeking help, but currently inbetween doctors. When things get stressful, I start to crumble. Suggestions very much appreciated. Big wall o'text, sorry:

My Mom and I have never gotten along very well, and she has been emotionally abusive towards me for the majority of my life. She has a pattern of harshly criticizing my body, my looks, my weight, my intelligence, my maturity, my earning ability, etc for as long as I can remember. Tells me I'm fat, has said I'm ugly, a loser, a pig, won't amount to anything, worthless, never wanted me etc.

Naturally, when I've confronted her in years past she claims she doesn't remember saying anything like that, and usually makes me out to be attention seeking.

I've come to understand that it doesn't benefit me to vilify her and think of her as a monster, even though the things I went through hurt me profoundly and affected my life in a very negative way. I see her as somebody who has had a rough life herself, who is very likely struggling with undiagnosed/untreated mental health concerns, and I try not to take it personally. But I decided a long time ago that the best thing was to just stay as far away as possible, unless and until she seeks treatment for her own issues. She hasn't, so I try to keep a distance.

But even though I support all of my own living expenses, there have been a few big expenses I unfortunately couldn't quite cover alone. These were always car repairs, only car repairs, and I was always very thankful towards her for this because I honestly couldn't afford a solution myself, so I was stuck relying on her. Many times, her money was a saving grace, and allowed me to have a car so I could get to and from work. She'd always offered up front to help me with the car, and I truly appreciate everything she did to keep it running this long.

But my past with her is so bad that when I have to be around her, my throat closes up, my chest gets tight and I get knock-kneed. I have panic attacks leading up to having to see her, or when I see or hear her name or anything that reminds me of her. I fear her yelling at me again, making me feel suicidal and feeling that level of self-hate well up inside me is just very overwhelming. Her moods tend to flip on a dime and I get very anxious having to call her, be around her or be in contact with her in any way.

I also become really depressed after being around her because there will inevitably be quite a few backhanded insults and my low self-esteem dips even lower as a result. Then I'm in a dark funk for a long, long time. I feel a lot of really deep, horrendous guilt that I am not earning enough to pay for these things and that I have to occasionally rely on her to help me out.

I usually feel like a total loser and like I'm worthless, and these feelings are amplified 1000 times in her presence.

I have a history of severe depression and anxiety, as well as an eating disorder and behavioral issues like cutting. I've attempted suicide twice before, once at 14 years old and once just last year. I'm in the process of getting treatment (see below), but I am scared that this contact with her will reignite these feelings and send me into a tailspin.

Here's what I'm doing to fix it:

- I was seeing a psychologist regularly until very recently, but realized I was only getting "talky talky" therapy, rather than goal-oriented therapy. After a few months of this, I was not learning skills or feeling better. So, I will be trying out a new therapist (CBT this time) likely within a week. I also will be seeing a psychiatrist next month to discuss the possibility of meds.

- Between therapy appointments, I engage in creative outlets, do whatever helps me calm down when I feel the walls closing in, and reach out to my boyfriend for support when the anxiety / depression is spiking.

- I have been building credit steadily and responsibly, so I don't need her financially.

- I am going to be buying a new car very, very soon to help eliminate the need to call her for financial help.

- My boyfriend of 2.5 years will be moving in with me in the next few months, which will ease up my budget a bit and halve my bills.

But these things don't always work, and that's when my emotions can fly out of control and end badly.

What can I do to survive these next few months of occasional contact with her? What methods can I use to control my anxiety/panic attacks and deal with any depression that may spike as a result? How can I push my way through the challenges and come out whole on the other side?

Any and all suggestions truly appreciated - thank you!

Help a single mother work, to make things work.

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:55:59 -0800

Hello, I am a divorced single-mother and US Army National Guard veteran. I am currently living in a bad situation and need to move away from it. Asking for a friend:

Hello,

I am a divorced single-mother and US Army National Guard veteran living in Pennsylvania. I am currently living in a bad situation and need to move away from it.

I have several chronic health issues and am unemployed. I'm working with vocational rehabilitation to find gainful employment, but am stuck in the issue that most single mothers face- I need childcare to work, but I need to be working to afford child care. The child care subsidy doesn't kick in for up to two months once you qualify for it, so that won't solve my problems.

I've applied for work at home jobs through NTI, but I need a land-line to start work for them and I can't afford it. I own a vehicle, but it needs a new muffler to pass state inspection and the inspection ran out at the end of the year.

I'm not sure what I can do to improve my situation- I have a great resume, but I need accommodation due to health to work effectively, I have no money to get things going.

My daughter's father has re-married and lives in Oregon and has not paid child support. If I sue him for it, I won't get anything as he is a student and as I am living with his mother, my daughter and I will end up out on the street.

Cannot get cash assistance until I get child support, but again, that would put me on the street due to the housing situation.

Currently collecting food stamps.

Any advice?

Genuine shared experience ideas for dissimilar mom and daughter?

smirkyfodder — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 09:12:46 -0800

Please help me think of a shared experience my mother and I can have to celebrate her 60th birthday that does not include a spa or salon. I'd like to leave the parameters mostly open, but my budget is somewhere around $150 - $200. My mother and I are quite different and have always had a tough time bonding. She's into girly type activities, which I've always been weird about. Part of me thinks I need to suck it up and just go to a salon or spa with my mom because she'd probably really like that, but the other part of me would really like to have some other sort of shared experience that's genuinely positive for both of us. We're in the Philadelphia area, so something within a couple hours of the city would be great.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Good gift ideas for new moms?

Bwithh — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 17:47:01 -0800

What are some good Birthday gift ideas for new mothers.... ... that are NOT baby-focussed? (I'm sure my friend has plenty of new for-baby stuff recently already!)
Looking in the $20-$50 range....

hip/stylish is good
gadgety is good
foody is good
eco-friendly/new agey is also good!

it's her first kid, if that helps...

thanks for any ideas!

How to help a parent cope with the loss of a spouse?

entropicamericana — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 07:58:11 -0800

I lost my dear dad unexpectedly Sunday after a series of illnesses. My mom, luckily, is still with us. They were together 54 years and my mom was only 17 when they met. The most important thing to my dad was my mom's well-being and I feel it is now my duty to look after her to the best of my ability. I have no idea how to help her cope with the loss of my father. I want to be there for her as much as possible, but I don't want to smother her. Does anyone have any advice?

How do I help my wife who is bed ridden with stomach flu?

alshain — Sun, 18 Nov 2012 08:56:47 -0800

My wife has stomach flu. What can I do for her? This is the first time she has been bed ridden. Last night was spent in the washroom throwing up. I felt helpless. I just don't know what I can do.

We have two small kids. They are with me. House work is taken care of. She is in bed. Her diet prescription is stay on liquids.

What can I do to make this easy for her and how can I comfort her? What can I prepare for her (I am such a noob in the kitchen).

Also, we have boys 6 and 3. How can I make this a learning/appreciate situation for them?

This year, I'm thankful for conflict avoidance.

Anonymous — Thu, 25 Oct 2012 14:48:10 -0800

My mother and I are not talking. I am thinking about skipping Thanksgiving. How do I do this without causing even more turmoil? My mother and I are trauma survivors, with the difference between us being that I have been in treatment for many years and she has not. As a result, she spirals more and more out of control with every passing year. She says inappropriate things, flies off the handle, blames the trauma on me when she's upset, and is generally difficult to be around.

I love her very much. She is the only blood kin I have with whom I try to maintain any kind of relationship. But in July she crossed some boundaries in a very serious way, and we have not been able to reestablish a harmonious relationship since.

I've been setting pretty strict boundaries for the last few years, and they have mostly worked. Except at holidays. On Thanksgiving and Christmas my mother usually gets very agitated, and no holiday passes without a fight.

I don't want to have a fight this year. I don't want to have Thanksgiving. It's awkward, and it's never fun, and the only reason I would go is for her benefit.

I promised her I'd make up my mind by tomorrow. She is not happy with even the idea that I would skip Thanksgiving. My partner and I have considered the following options:

1. Go to Thanksgiving, but in a very limited capacity. Instead of going for an overnight stay and dealing with a stressful car trip with my mom, we would take public transit (a longer trip, but more peaceful) and we would only stay for dinner. I feel like the idea is solid, but probably too stressful for me this year.
2. Go out of town, explain that we will be out of town, skip Turkey Day altogether.
3. Go out of town (or not) and invite my mom to my neighborhood for a weekend brunch or similar, so that she gets to see me during Thanksgiving weekend but in an even more limited capacity than in the first option.

None of these plans will please my mother. I want to minimize the explosion -- because there will be one unless I do exactly what I've done every year. But I also want to look out for my own welfare, and I'm just not up to taking any abuse from her this year. None at all.

If you've ever skipped family holidays, how did you do it without causing an uproar? Please note that without me, my mother will have only her boyfriend to cook for on Thanksgiving, which would sour the whole holiday for her. I don't want to make things worse for her, but I don't want to make them worse for me, either.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Help me help Mom.

Anonymous — Thu, 11 Oct 2012 15:50:19 -0800

Mom is depressed. She has always been depressed. Is there anything I can do to help? If not, how do I cope? I'm going to speak in generalities because I would hate for this to get back to her, but as far back as I can remember, my mother has been seriously unhappy. Now that she's retired, she spends most of her day in bed. Dad tries to help, but he's out of his league. Mom goes to a psychiatrist and is on anti-depressants. She tried talk therapy but did not like it. She never knows what she wants, only what she doesn't want. She's got crippling social anxiety. She doesn't have friends or hobbies. To me, it seems like a big part of the problem is that she never really figured out who she is (but I'm not a psychologist, just her child).

The thought she may spend the rest of her life like this is terrifying. If you've been through a similar situation, how did things improve? And if things didn't get better, how did you manage?

Thank you in advance.

Would you forgive your mother for this?

crazycanuck — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 10:58:41 -0800

Would you forgive your mother for this? In March, my parents flew across the country to help out with my 5 year old daughter while I was away at a conference. My husband was there, but he was working so he needed help with meal prep and getting her to/from school.

While they were there, my mom yelled at my daughter more than once, about such things as fooling around instead of putting her seatbelt on and stalling while getting dressed for school. I saw the seatbelt rage (I was in the car with her) and it was frightening. She spent most of the rest of the time watching TV and drinking wine.

Then, when I came back and was driving her out to the airport, she asked me when I was going to come and visit as she was tired of spending her money flying out to see us in a city she didn't know. She said she'd rather spend her travel dollars going to Europe instead(??). I told her that it would be a while. I told her that while it may have been OK for her to yell at me when I was a kid and continue to yell at my dad, it is not OK to treat my daughter that way. I said I would not be going to visit for a while, and left it at that.

I have not actually spoken to my mother since then. My mom sent a half-apology via email, which I half-acknowledged via email. I have put my daughter on the phone a few (maybe 6?) times.

Honestly I do not have the emotional energy for this drama right now. In the last six months I have got a new job, sold my old house, moved to a new house, and dealt with my husband's illness (he has been in hospital for almost two weeks now and will have his first surgery today). Theoretically it would be nice to have support from my family on these things, however I know my mother and it would be just questions/badgering as opposed to actual support and assistance. My husband's family is very helpful and supportive so I know what good support looks like. My mom ain't it.

I have been talking to my sister a little bit, but I don't want to put her into an awkward situation as a go-between and keeping secrets (ie, my husband's health). My sister is frustrated with my mom as well.

I am at a loss of what to do here. It seems a bit silly and childish to refuse to talk to my mother. However, I think it is not OK to verbally abuse my daughter and I do not have time for phone calls and status updates on things that I do not really feel like talking to people I don't trust about. Should I just send Christmas and birthday cards and call it good? Should I suck it up and get over it? Should I say nothing and continue as I am?

Help me tell daughter Santa Claus truth

lynnie-the-pooh — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 23:39:06 -0800

Help me tell 8 year old the truth about Santa Last year, my 7 year old daughter asked me if Santa was real? I panicked and said yes. She said some kids at school said he isn't real but I said, "Well, where do those presents come from then? I believe in Santa."

The part of me that panicked and said that was the part that has been telling her about Santa since she was a toddler, and I always tell her that Mommy tells the truth, you can always trust Mommy, etc. So now, if I tell her otherwise, I don't know how she is going to believe that I tell the truth and she can trust me.

How can I word it so she can understand why I did it, and why I am coming clean now, but that all the rest of what I tell her is the truth. Trust is a big issue with her and I.

I know the third graders are going to say it again this year and I want to be ready.

Hey, Apostle? Can you fill out that TPS report by Monday?

Stewriffic — Fri, 28 Sep 2012 14:24:38 -0800

What US religion or religious sub-set uses the titles "Mother" and "Apostle?" A friend of mine recently had a phone conversation with two women for work. They knew each other well and work together in rural North Carolina, US. The context was discussing a new educational program, but it doesn't matter much, just that it was a purely secular conversation. They called each other "Mother" and "Apostle" respectively. So one would say "Mother, what do you think about that?" and the other would respond, "Well, Apostle, I think that's a fine idea." Not "Mother Nancy" and "Apostle Elizabeth" just "Mother" and "Apostle." In fact at one point "Mother" said to my friend, "Apostle, who you call Elizabeth, will be taking on that role."

What gives? This is religious, right?

Substitute Teaching/Tutoring in Cleveland?

Kamelot123 — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 21:58:14 -0800

My mom is a retired elementary school teacher (in Cleveland, Ohio). She is hurting for cash a little more than she expected she would, and would like to teach again on a substitute/tutoring basis. How does she go about doing so in a manner that she can earn a decent salary? Hi all!

My mom, a former elementary school teacher, retired a little over a year back. She is happy as a clam regarding her decision, but a few factors are making her want to jump back into teaching - this time on a substitute/tutoring basis:

1. She is more strapped for cash than she thought she would be.

2. She loves teaching, and is itching to get back into the field.

3. She is playing too much Words with Friends! (okay, this one is mine)

She had a very comfortable salary (above $70,000) before retirement, and is now making around 66% of that. She would like to ideally make the extra 34% through part-time teaching to bring her back to that salary range.

She is most comfortable teaching elementary school students, but would be okay with tutoring adults in simple subject matter. I recommended teaching perhaps ESL, but I don't know what qualifications, if any, are required.

She has been trying to use online websites, but is not very internet-savvy. The one tutoring site she found takes over a third of the money she would make per lesson, so she is not satisfied with what she would bring in through that method. I would be willing to do the searching for her, but I'm rather clueless about post-retirement teaching as well. Is Craigslist a good idea?

Any help would be appreciated, MeFites!

Men: How was your mom awesome during your teen years?

SinAesthetic — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 11:28:04 -0800

Men: how was your mom awesome during your teenage years? For all the guys out there...those of you who look back on your teenage years and have an overall impression of having had a great relationship with your mom, tell me what particular qualities contributed to this--both her individual qualities and the unique quality of your way of relating to each other. What kind of things helped you stay close through the natural process of individuation and becoming a man? (I'd like to steer clear of the negative version of this, "my mom was so awful because ....."). I know that teenage years are difficult for both genders and that many problems are universal, but I'm particularly interested in the specific issues guys have, from the perspective of being an opposite-gendered parent. I'm looking for things beyond just the obvious generalities like having respect for you as a person, ability to set limits but also negotiate things on a situation by situation basis, appropriate boundaries, privacy, trust, etc. that I consider baseline level good mom-ness.

If it matters: No significant family drama/trauma, and still happily married to his father. Things are great, just interested in doing all I can to keep it that way.

Yes, I've read it: Michael Gurian's The Mind of Boys and The Wonder of Boys; Raising Cain: protecting the emotional life of boys, Real Boys, rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood

Yes, I understand Mother.

chrono_rabbit — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 12:14:25 -0800

I have a poor relationship with with my parent and looking for advice to improve family relations. My mother has always been a overbearing kind of personality. She holds herself to high standards and wants the best for her children. Yet some days, I feel as if her criticisms are hard and demoralizing. Many times she will make cutting remarks about my appearance or hobbies.

I understand, she grew up in a difficult environment from mine and her family was less privileged than I am now. Yet, sometimes her words make me feel terrible for the rest of the day. Although, I may be overreacting because all families are flawed someway or another. I guess, deep down I want to be useful, but I feel useless all the time.

Lately, she's been under extreme stress about the store that we own and I find that she is more likely snap and insult me. I'm a very introverted person, but right now I am working as a receptionist here. Every time she interacts with me I feel anxious.

Few times I feel completely relaxed when I wasn't with her on my days off or I was just away on my own.

I'd like to move out as soon as I complete my college, but that is far away considering I have around 3-4 yrs to go. Any advice for dealing with difficult parents would be appreciated. Thanks.

How do I be a great SAHM for my baby?

crabintheocean — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:23:33 -0800

Can you give me your best tips, tricks, and general guidance for being a stay-at-home mom of an older baby? As of next week I will be caring for our 8 month old by myself full time, and I'm scared! Whem we decided to have a baby it was expressly part of our plan that I not stay home with him - we planned for my wife to be home while I worked, and sort of amazingly, we have both been at home since he was born. However, various factors mean that I'll be the one caring for him in the daytime for the foreseeable future while my wife works full time. This really is the only way to do it right now. In a few months I'll be in school two days a week and my mom will have him those days.

I love this kid like crazy, but I am a lazy person who does better with a lot of personal space, grown up conversation, and time to think. I get frustrated and overwhelmed more than I would like. I think i am also having some mild PPD which is making me anxious and quicker to feel hopeless, i am trying to exercise and eat well. Please trust me that meds or therapy are out for now. He is a super smart and physical 8 month old who is close to walking and gets bored and whiny easily. He is only happy in a stroller for about 25mins before he has to be carried, and he doesn't nap for long if someone (and their boob) doesn't stay by him.

We are currently at a relative's house that is very messy and not at all safe for him, and I can't turn my back for a second, but we're moving in the next couple of weeks - am I right to think that this wil be easier in a clean and tidy environment I can control? Please tell me about how you handle(d) this -especially practically. Talk to me like it's my induction at a new job. How do you manage to brush your teeth (seriously)? Where do you go? What do you do? How do you handle bad days? What do I need to know? What gadgets or equpment have saved your sanity? FYI, we are in a big city (London) with no car.

Thanks! I want to make this unexpected role as awesome for all of us as I can, and I think it's going to be the hardest thing I ever do .

(s)Mothering and coaching.

Paper rabies — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 19:01:59 -0800

I just told my mom that I'm moving to a developing country for 6 months and she didn't take it well. What should I do? I found out today that I got a 6-month technical placement with an NGO in a country in the global South (keeping it a little vague here), starting in a month. Woo-hoo! I'm really excited; I think this will be a challenging but rewarding job, and I have wanted to do this for a long time.

Now, I just got off the phone with my mother. She didn't handle the news well. She hung up crying, telling me she would call me back tomorrow and needed some time. Which I understand, but she didn't handle it well even when I just told her I was applying; she started e-mailing me stories about the crime in the country and sent me a guilt-laden message asking me why I felt compelled to go so far away from the people that love me (that's verbatim).

After that e-mail, I called her and we had what I thought was a pretty constructive phone conversation. My mom clearly suffers from anxiety, as I do too. I told her that we don't need to feel so panicky all the time, that I've been addressing this in therapy, and maybe it would be a good idea for her to explore this too.

More on mom - she's quite overprotective and has been ever since I was a child. I never spent more than a week away from my parents until I went to university. I lived abroad for a year in a European country, and while she wasn't too outwardly mopey during communication at the time, she frequently told me when I returned that me being gone was "the worst feeling in the world" and "so depressing she could hardly function".

I'm trying not to get too frustrated with her, because I imagine it's hard to know your child is going to a new, "scary" place. And because I've struggled with anxiety myself, I feel for her. But it's not like it isn't hard for me to leave my family, and hearing these kind of things makes me feel worse. Also, knowing what kind of toll this will have on her psychologically is incredibly guilt-inducing. And, I don't want her to suffer, but frankly she worries all the time, even when we're in the same country (I live in a big city, and she still lives in our rural hometown around 2 hours away).

So, what can I do here? Should I reassure her? Or just be firm but loving? I'm at a bit of a loss. Does anyone know of any resources for parents that might address some of these things? If anyone else has advice or previous experience with similar things, I would love to hear it.

Help my wife not go insane.

Anonymous — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 10:56:08 -0800

How can I best support my wife, a stay-at-home-mom, during the summer when she's home alone with a sometimes difficult ten year old boy? My wife is a stay-at-home mom. Our son is ten and an only child. Most of his friends will be away at camp or otherwise unavailable for most of the summer. There will be play dates occasionally but they can be difficult to set up. For a good chunk of the summer it will be just the two of them. I work full time, with an hour commute each way. I am a very supportive and active husband and father when I’m available.

School ended yesterday and she’s been dreading the summer since about April.

My son, a great kid, is ten and sort of halfway between being a kid and being a surly pre-teen. Responses to questions are often one word or grunts. He would be happy playing Minecraft all day long. We limit his screen time (it will be extended a bit over the summer, of course) and want him to be a well-rounded kid with outside time, reading time, etc. For the most part he is. We plan to give him additional “productive” screen time with things like Khan Academy and/or programming tutorials. He enjoys these things but seems to have a limited attention span for them.

My wife is adventurous. She has plans for the summer. Camping trips, day trips to the beach, etc. There will also be some periods of day camp for my son. They won’t just be home all day, every day. However even with day trips she says she feels like she’s in the car alone, as our son will just stick his head in a book for the entire trip. It will mostly be just the two of them.

The bottom line is they’re both going to be lonely and occasionally sick of each other. There will be some time with friends but not much. “Go out and play” doesn’t work all day, every day, especially when most of the kids his age are unavailable. Most of my wife’s friends work so she’ll have very little interaction with adults. I’ll have vacation time later in the summer, but other than that I won’t have too many other options. I might occasionally be able to take a day or an afternoon off but that won’t be too often.

How can I help her/them? How can I support her so she doesn’t go insane? How can she support herself? I realize this is a pretty open question. I'm looking for practical advice ("surprise her by hiring a sitter for a day") as well as ways of helping her cope emotionally ("Go on dates every Friday.")

We are in the Boston area, if that matters.

Please note this is not a parenting question. I don’t want to hear about the pros and cons of limited screen time. The fact that you were able to entertain yourself for the whole summer back in 1973 is irrelevant. Additionally, hiring a nanny while my wife goes out and works isn’t an option, certainly not in the short term. For now she chooses to be a stay-at-home-mom. Therapy and depression are questions for another day, and have been addressed when/if needed. This is a question about supporting my wife during a long couple months when she has few options. Thanks.