Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mortality

How to tell children about death book suggestions for a single dad

spec80 — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:15:12 -0800

A friend's father passed away suddenly and he is having difficulty formulating a way to tell his daughter. What books would you recommend? I have no experience with the death of a parent or being a parent. I don't know how to help other than lending a sympathetic ear.

Friend was pretty close with his dad and is using work to distract himself. He is a single dad and his two daughters live with their mom. He is concerned about how to tell his eldest daughter (ten years old) and help her cope/mourn because she knew and had a close relationship with her grandfather. She is aware of the concept of death and knows people that have died, but Friend says she's never had a relationship with those people. (Her mother lives in an area of NYC where violence is still prevalent.)

I searched previous questions and I am thinking of printing out this thread and maybe getting this book? Googling gives an overwhelming result and I was hoping someone could personally suggest a book. I cannot give a website, only printouts of a website because they don't have an internet/computer at home. Daughter might have access to one at school, but I am presuming.

When do children develop a sense of their own mortality?

Tchad — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:11:41 -0800

At what age does a child realize his or her mortality? I have a very good friend who is doing research for some writing and asked me about this.

My first reaction was that it depends on how they are exposed to death - if at all.
I have always had a sense of being finite, but chalk it up to having been to a number of funerals and having seen a number of family members in their last moments as a child. It always felt very real and plain-as-day to me. Other friends are horrified at my experience in ways I never was.

So... Are there any academic papers, links, books, or writings that address this? I would like to pass them on to her and read them myself.

I am looking for the whole range - from children who fall in the average range to extremes.

Above us, only sky...

Metroid Baby — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:43:34 -0800

Someone close to me recently passed away. For the most part I'm okay, but what stops me in my tracks is the idea that there may not be an afterlife. How do I come to terms with this? My dad died last month after a year-long battle with cancer. I was expecting him to stick around for a little while longer, but all of us knew that it was inevitable, and we were as prepared as anyone could be. Dad was happy, went peacefully, and even considered death to be something of an adventure.

Generally speaking, I'm doing okay. I miss him terribly, but I'm grateful to have had him be a part of my life. I'm grateful for all the people who have shared memories of Dad and let us know how much they appreciated him. I'm a little more teary-eyed these days, but on the whole I'm functional and my grief seems to be pretty manageable.

There's just one thing.

A few days after the funeral, I was home alone and realized: What if there's no afterlife? It hit me like a ton of bricks, and it still keeps me up at night sometimes. I had been okay with the idea of my father being deceased, but the idea of my father being completely nonexistent terrifies me. Until recently, it didn't occur to me that those two things might be one and the same.

I consider myself agnostic; reason leads me to believe that there is no higher power, but I'm not always a person of reason. Dad was a pretty spiritual guy, particularly in the last year, and although he didn’t talk about heaven, and admitted he didn't know what happens to us after we die, he did believe that something of us stuck around, continued on, after the end of physical life.

I always figured that if there was an "other side," and if it were possible for the dead to reach back and contact us from that other side, that Dad would certainly do it. I desperately wanted him to be right. As silly as it might sound, on some level I was expecting some sort of Obi-Wan Kenobi apparition, for Dad to appear and tell me that the Force was with me all along.

But with each passing day I'm less and less sure that's possible.

I've wrestled with the thought of death being the end before, but always in the context of my own mortality. These days, I'm not particularly concerned with what will happen to me, just the idea that Dad is totally and completely gone forever. I've looked at previous AskMes about grief, the afterlife, and mortality, but I haven't found anything that really addresses this particular issue.

I can't be the only person to wrestle with this – I'm guessing this issue is what first led people to believe in an afterlife. But I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. I'm wondering if anyone might have any advice, or can point me toward something to read that might help me sort out my thoughts, or if this is just something that I'll figure out with time.

I appreciate your help and apologize if this question meanders a bit or sounds ridiculous. Thanks as always.

How do I figure out mortality statistics for people born in 1890?

melodykramer — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:40:56 -0800

I'm trying to figure out what percentage of people born in 1890 were still alive in 1920 and then 1950 and so on, until we can say for certain that every person born in 1890 is 100 percent definitely dead. I've looked at the 1890 and 1920 census, but they don't have mortality tables. (I'm specifically looking for values for 19th century populations. Not necessarily 1890, but in that ballpark...I figure 1890 is easier than 1891 because there was a census in 1890.)

I'm mainly curious about how WWI and WWI and other major events shaped the mortality curve -- for instance, statistically were __% of men born in 1890 likely to be alive in 1917, but really only __ % of men born in 1890 were alive in 1917 because of the war?

I'm interested in statistics for both world and US populations. I know there are actuarial mortality tables for questions like this, but they don't extrapolate backwards, as far as I'm aware. If they do extrapolate backwards, then I don't know how or where to access these statistics.

When is she likely going to die?

lilywing13 — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:51:35 -0800

Calling all AskMe health care professionals. My acquaintance has been an alcoholic for at least two decades. She's in the hospital again, and I need realistic expectations about her survival. This is a long one, I'm afraid. I tried digging the information out of the internet myself, but there are so many variables and I am obviously not trained for this.

She's 34 years old and has been drinking pretty much constantly for about 20 years. She has been in the hospital multiple times over the past five years. First diagnosis was cardiomyopathy. Second was congestive heart and lung disease. Last year, she was hospitalized again, went through DTs (seizures, hallucinations, etc) and was diagnosed with liver failure. She has continued to drink while taking whatever "liver failure medicine" was prescribed, unfortunately I don't know what specific one but it was a clear liquid, since then.

She went in again two weeks ago with terrible edema; her kidneys weren't working and no diuretic they tried would help her urinate; and they considered a liver biopsy, but her blood wasn't clotting properly. She did not have DTs this round. She tends to check herself out AMA as soon as she can manage, and that's what she did again last Monday evening. On Friday, an ambulance had to be summoned and she was on life support until Sunday morning.

She's totally denying the drinking, of course, even though we found the half-gallon jugs, yes plural, of vodka in her apartment (if you can call what we found an apartment still... dear god, it was awful). She's combative with the medical staff. She's paranoid and is convinced that the staff thinks she's done this to herself (duh!). She often has to be restrained, so that she won't pull out her IVs or remove other monitors. Her memory is rapidly deteriorating and she's manufacturing reality to suit herself about a lot of things.

Once she woke up, she invoked whatever clause guarantees her medical privacy to anyone, including her own mother. So we can't find out any further prognoses.

Here's the thing: She has a 10-year-old daughter. Steps are being taken to get the daughter out of this situation and to help her cope. She's in good care currently, but there is no other family in this state but the mother. Child services likely won't get involved, though, until this woman is released from the hospital.

Now that she's at least breathing on her own again, what are the realistic chances that she'll survive the hospital stay? If she manages to check herself out as soon as they transfer her to a regular room and resumes drinking as soon as she gets home, as is her usual behavior, how long might she live then?

I hope I don't sound cold here. A lot of folks have tried to intervene and none of us were the least bit successful. It isn't that we don't care, because we certainly do and it hurts. We just want to have reasonable expectations.

When and howdo prey animals die, vs. preadator species?

orthogonality — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 12:28:18 -0800

How do prey animals die versus predator animals? What are the causes of mortality for prey animals in their natural environment? For predator animals?

Basically, I'm looking for aggregate breakdowns of causes of death (by percentage), and for prey animals especially death consequent to predation. Ratio of death by predation / death by all causes would be sufficient, especially if combined with age (age range) at time of death.

Especially useful would be statistics for closely related but distinct species or sub-populations.

Less useful but helpful would be comparisons of histograms of age at mortality contrasting several predator and prey species/populations, e.g, 30% of mice die before age one month, 20% age one month to one year, 20% one year to 18 months, 30% 18 months or greater.

Bonus if prey population is mice.

Underlying questions, do histograms of age at mortality differ for prey species and predator species generally? Where do primates, including humans in their natural environment, compare? Do sub-populations within a species/population show significantly different age-at-mortality histograms?

It wasn't "just a headache."

konolia — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 11:13:58 -0800

My husband's stepdad just got a tumor removed from his brain yesterday. It was malignant. I have not spoken to my mother-in-law directly so I don't know exactly what kind of malignant tumor this is, but apparently it's a primary tumor and not something spread from somewhere else...my main question is this: Is a malignant brain tumor always a death sentence or can people recover from these things? I know there are a ton of variables, but I just want to know if it's okay to have some hope for him.

Coming to terms with one's own mortality for dummies

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Nov 2005 13:19:10 -0800

I'm unable to come to terms with my mortality. The thought of my eventual death consumes me. Every night when it gets late and I have no distractions my mind inevitably drifts to my certain death. I find no comfort in religion or that everyone else goes through the same thing. I concoct ridiculous theories of aliens using me as a test subject to save me, or stupid unsound ideas that in an infinite universe over an infinite timeframe my exact mind will at some point be reconstitued. I know that it is stupid and so I dismiss it, but not to the point that I don't hold on to it at least one tiny bit. I cannot stop thinking about the diseases which I think I have but surely don't. I keep thinking forward and imagining the moment of my death in my mind's eye, seeing myself dying as a weeping old fool who can't control himself because he is so utterly depressed by his imminent death. Discussions of death and what it entails bring me to tears. I simply cannot come to terms with the fact that the one thing I have absolutely no control over whatsoever is the thing that will inevitably strike me down forever and I will never be again and I will simply rot away into the ground, most likely to be forever forgotten -- not that it matters because, from what I'm told, I won't be around to see it.

Everyone knows this to be true. But obviously, not everyone worries about it, at least not like I do. How do you people do it? How do you simply come to accept that this will all come to an end, you don't know what the hell is going to happen, and that to be realistic it's a good chance that you're just going to be what you were before being conceived: absolutely nothing? I just don't get it. And the worst part is that really, my life's probably only about 1/4 complete. I don't dare try to guess the state I'll be in when I hit 50.

How do I talk to my parents about planning for when my father’s gone?

lalochezia — Tue, 18 Oct 2005 12:08:28 -0800

How do I talk to my parents about planning for when my father’s gone? My situation. My Dad’s in his mid 70’s and my mum is 60. Both live in the UK. My father has worked all his life, with a small, non-incorporated business that, while not very profitable, through his own grit, has kept a roof over our heads, and sent us to college, provided for the family, all of which I’m eternally grateful for.My father continues to work, running the business every day. The (business_assets-debts) sum if the business were sold (or had to be sold) is probably not a large sum of money. The (nice, if slightly-falling-apart) house is paid for, but my folks don’t have much in the way of savings.

My mum was a housewife, raised us as kids, and due to various ailments (manic depression, diabetes, cardiac issues to name just a few) has never worked for income before, and is relatively poorly now. My father does some work around the house, but my mum is too ill to do manual work. Both I and my brother have left home and are in relatively poorly paying jobs that just keep us afloat. I’m in the USA, my brother in a different part of England. Neither of us will be able to move back home for extended periods of time.

My dad is relatively healthy for a man of his age, and he’ll probably outlive us all through sheer stubbornness! There’s no getting around the fact that he’s old. Statistics are not in his favour: the older you get the more likely you are to die!

My mum is not financially astute, and obviously tremendously emotionally sensitive to the topic - she is easily upset. My father has made plans, but hasn’t talked about them.

I want to make sure that
a) my mum is provided for by my fathers plans
b) that she isn’t ripped off by people with the money she’s left with– she’s very trusting and has a large netowrk of friends that may be good/benign or maybe inept/malicious etc.
c) she is looked after without going into a ‘home’

My questions:

1) How do I bring this up? My dad is of the ‘stiff-upper-lip’ breed when talking about this stuff.
2) What advice do you all have for our situation? Things to do? Things my folks and I should talk about if I finally get to talk about this stuff?

A long question I know. Partial answers are fine.....Thanks.

Non-combat mortality info sought

thayerg — Mon, 27 Jun 2005 08:34:46 -0800

The figure of 1700 Americans killed in Iraq is saddening and unnecessary. We still don't know what they died for. My question, which may sound callous, is: What are the mortality rates for a comparable group of regular American citizens? In other words, if you take 150,000 people, mostly male, between the ages of eighteen and (say) forty, how many of them will die during a two and half year period? I am not attempting to minimize the casualties here, rather I am trying to argue the case against the war in the most conservative and factual way. Thank for any insights anyone can give me on this.