Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with monogamy

Monogamist mind, polygamist loins.

the NATURAL — Wed, 13 May 2009 02:59:42 -0800

SexFilter/LoveFilter: I love her, so why can't I think only of her? I love my girlfriend dearly, and I suspect that she is not only the best match for me, but will be the best match for me in the future. (ignoring extenuating details, like her brother, etc.)

So why can't I only think about her? Why do I check out other girls? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I'm 21? (And, I guess, relatively horny and open-minded when it comes to age and ethnicity.)

Does my problem mean that we shouldn't be together? (Mind you, I could never bring myself to truly betray her and cheat on her.)

Should I not be a serial monogamist with the one waiting in the wings?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 22:05:15 -0800

Lesbian monogamy filter: I am really just a hopeless romantic no matter how hard I try not to be? Should I not move right on to the one waiting in the wings? I am a 30 year old lesbian (if that matters, but please, I'm interested in all perspectives) who just ended a 3 year long monogamous relationship. My former partner and I ended on largely good terms. We experienced "lesbian bed death" and it sort of devolved into a friendship.

Because we got together when I was relatively young, I sort of feel like i missed out on a lot of the fun of being young and single. Since always, I've pretty much gone from serious long term relationship to serious long term relationship. Being able to be single was a big part of wanting to end things for me. Also exploring relationships with men, possibly.

The thing is, I've also gotten involved with a good friend of mine. She's someone that I've known since college, and though I've always had something of a crush, I never knew it was reciprocated. Anyway, we were never single at the same time so it didn't really matter. She became single about a year ago and had been dating around, nothing too serious, and as my relationship with my ex wound to a close, we wound up becoming physically involved and this has continued on and off since the breakup, which occured about 3 months ago. FWIW, she is not a close friend of my ex.

We have both said that this is not a thing with relationship potential, just a fun physical thing to fill the gap. But because of our years of intense friendship, the sex and the relationship itself has become more and more intimate. We both say that we're dating other people and even talk women we both know as potential dates for each other, but this never seems to happen and when we do actually express real interest, we both feel jealous and sad, though controllably so.

I am becoming more and more passionate about this person, and I think she feels the same way about me. We're definitely experience pair-bonding. I keep thinking about our future together, about how maybe this was meant to be all along, about how I might be "in love" with her. The only stopping me from pursuing a relationship with her is my promise to myself NOT be a serial monogamous, to have fun, to date. Right now, though, I feel like any dating I did would just be perfunctory with the hopes of coming back to her. That being said, I do think that if I decided to let go of this thing that I could commit to it, get over her, and really start having fun, I could do it.

That being said, I am not totally aware of how she feels. Because of the way our sexual relationship started, we are both very guarded about our feelings, even though we say how much we love each other "as friends" all the time. I can't help but think that she, like me, is feeling ambivalent and also trying to protect herself from getting hurt. She is younger than me and seems just as invested in playing the field before getting into something serious. I also think that she is still getting over her last relationship.

We've both express interest, in the abstract sense, in the prospect of having an open relationship. But we also both recognize that even if we *said* we'd have an open relationship, it would probably not really be in practice.

If I "follow my heart" and we wind up together, am I going to regret it? Is it bad to lillypad like this? Should I make an effort to make single happen? How can I find out what she is thinking without making myself vulnerable?

Have differing views on monogamy killed our relationship?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:35:48 -0800

Should I compromise on monogamy? Can I help her compromise? Or should we call the whole thing off? Background: I am a man in my early 30s, she is in her late 20s. We got together seven months ago, after being friends for over two years. It was an intense relationship from the start - she's a single mom, and the ex of a friend.

The first few weeks were great. We have a huge amount in common, are very attracted to each other, and in many ways great partners. But after a month or so, she started feeling trapped in the relationship, and struggling to resist the urge to sleep with other men. She got drunk one night and slept with a co-worker. It wasn't strictly cheating, as we hadn't defined the relationship as exclusive at that point, and she was very honest about it afterwards.

That said, I am definitely not in the market for an open relationship, (and have a tendency to be quite jealous and possessive by nature - currently in therapy to address this), so this caused a lot of tension to the point where we broke up. For a few days, we both felt liberated and relieved. But then the pain of loss started creeping in. The space let us realize what we meant to each other, and within a week we blissfully reunited.

All was good, until the pattern started repeating itself. She started feeling trapped again, I started feeling insecure. We fed each other's dark side - she'd continue hanging out with a guy she slept with, making me more paranoid.

No less than four times in seven months we broke up and reunited. Always for the same reason - she wouldn't compromise on monogamy, I wouldn't compromise on an open relationship. Not for lack of trying. One night she slept with her co-worker friend, then came round to my house, told me what she'd done, and we had sex. It was cool that night, but the next day I freaked out. Whilst she totally assures me (and I believe her) that she has no feelings for this guy other than physical ones and the feeling of liberty and empowerment she gets from sleeping around, I find it impossible to separate sex and love to that extent. I hate one night stands. She likes them.

The frustrating thing is that this is literally the only serious mismatch we have. In all other matters we are very compatible, very in love, great sex, I get on well with her kid, we make each other very happy. It is only with the perspective of a break that this one problem seems surmountable. When we are together, the tension builds up, and the pattern repeats.

I finally called things off for good two weeks ago. I asked her, respectfully, not to contact me, as that is the only way we can progress. It's been hell - really painful heartbreak. But I have been making some progress and feeling optimistic again.

Then, yesterday, she texted me begging me to call her, saying she was panicking. I called, and she explained how difficult she was finding life without me, and how much she loves me. I told her I was no longer in love with her, but that is a lie. We agreed to meet in a neutral place for a coffee next week. I made it clear this was not a window to get back together, but I do want to stay friends (and I miss her child). I'm hoping we can be grown up about it.

So here's my dilemma. I love her. She genuinely feels like 'the one'. I can imagine spending the rest of my life with her (if we can break the destructive pattern, of course). But doing this will mean one of us compromising forever - either she will have to resist the urge to sleep with others, or I will have to become a lot more cool with polyamory. She has hinted that marriage would give her the incentive to change, but that sounds like fast-track to divorce to me.

My question is this. Should I give up on this, face the pain, and move on? Should I compromise? Is there anything I can do to help her compromise?

We feel EXACTLY like Joel and Clementine at the end of Eternal Sunshine. I think I need the hive mind to give the unambiguous advice that the film falls short in giving.

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.
Joel: Okay.

Really? OK?

Temp email: thatswhathappenswithme@gmail.com

How to stay true?

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 12:38:19 -0800

From "just friends" to "more than friends"; and tips for staying true in a monogamous relationship? I recently (as of a month ago) started dating my best friend. He had been very much in love with me for a long time, and I was always adamant that I would *never* see him that way.

Somehow, praise Jebus, something clicked and changed inside my head and I saw that I absolutely could see him that way. I have very narrow criteria for a life partner (things like must be vegan, choice of religion, etc. ) and he has always fit all of these things perfectly. Add to that he's been my best friend for years and we spend so much time together having fun, and he's adorable, and I don't know what took me so long.

Its weird adjusting to boyfriend/girlfriend after so long of "just friends", but its going well overall. Even though he's objectively very handsome, my feelings of physical attraction to him are slowly but steadily building, which is fine by me, and he's being very patient. It's certainly a change from the instant chemistry of other relationships I've had, but it feels permanent.

If I mess this up, I cannot fathom how I could ever again find a guy so perfectly matched to me and also as in love with me and devoted to me as he is.

Still there is a small part of me that at times feels very restless and trapped. Its a very small part of my lizard brain that I'm determined to ignore, and the impulses I would act on if i gave in, I know would lead down a miserable road.

In fact, the only time I ever remember being utterly free of these impulses, I was in a really bad relationship with a man who was a a total asshole who made a point of letting me know how I would never measure up to his ex girlfriend and he was not in love with me. I was so insanely infatuated with him and so caught up in the thrill of the chase/drama, that I didn't have a spare moment to let my mind wander to other guys.

So the question is, now that I'm in a relationship that's perfectly healthy and wonderful and what I want to be in for the rest of my life, how can I reduce my random pangs for what I know I really don't want?

I'm looking for mental exercises, behavior modifying techniques, or just personal anecdotes from people in monogamous relationships on how you make yourself more fully committed.

Three disclaimers:
1)I'm can't afford therapy, and there really isn't much in the way of free services I have access to.
2)I think polyamory is way rad for some people, more power to them, but it's not for me.
3)I've never cheated on anyone in the past, nor do I ever plan to. I just want help on avoiding impulses to stray or at least lessening them.

Play it Safe or Live it Up?

RingerChopChop — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 09:36:20 -0800

Received an offer to enter into an open relationship but feel that it will only lead to heartache. It it better to play it safe or live a little? I keep attracting men who come on strong but then almost instantly (first or second date) declare (without prompting by me) that they're only interested in open relationships and are not looking for something long term or committed. My strategy in the past has been to take this in stride, proceed with dating the person and see how things play out. The truth is that things in my experience have always played out rather poorly and I usually end the situation feeling unfulfilled.
I'm growing tired of the drama, and I'm debating what to do about my most recent suitor who (like all the others) just wants to keep things open and short-term. I would really hate to nip it in the bud so soon (I barely know the guy and so far we get along well), but an obnoxiously wise and boring part of me wants to save myself the trouble of muddling my way though what may well turn out to be another murky, confusing situation. Another more fun and irresponsible part of me thinks I should throw caution to the wind and just enjoy being young (I'm in my mid twenties) and see where the experience takes me and what it teaches me.
While I'm not specifically looking to settle down with anybody at this point in my life, I think what I really want is a situation with the potential to become committed and monogamous.

So to sum up:
1. Should I follow my own advice, and stop dating until someone with similar relationship goals shows up?
2. If so, can anyone give me some advice on how to stick to my guns about this even when attractive men are trying their damnedest to convince me to stop being such a cautious prude?

Til Death Do Us Part?

netbros — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 05:16:08 -0800

Are we a monogamous species? An estimated 90 percent of all bird species are monogamous. Many human cultures seem to have monogamy as a bonding goal. If you pick up a Sunday paper, you will always see announcements of 50th wedding anniversaries. Conversely, divorce rates have been going up, and many questions right here on AskMe talk about "playing the field." Is it human nature to want to find a single, life long partner? Or is that something religions would have you believe, and the science is more complex?

How much casual sex is too much casual sex?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:55:04 -0800

I want a boyfriend. But, in the meantime, I could be having sex with people. Should I? I'm 25, male, and I really, really want a boyfriend. What I really want is exciting, running through the rain, surprise picnics, fireworks, making stupid things for each other, big arguments, big reconciliation, initials-on-trees, naïve, ridiculous teenage love. I haven't had a relationship like this that's ever lasted more than a few months. I try to make a lot of opportunities to meet people, and a couple of times I have met someone I really, really liked, but they didn't want a relationship with me. So I keep looking, and going out with guys, and seeing what happens.

I have ended up dating maybe one new person every two weeks or so. And usually it becomes clear that it's not going to work for one reason or another, and that's more or less that.

But, I've been single like this for years, pretty much. And sometimes, you know, a boy's got to do stuff. For a while I felt pretty uncomfortable about having sex with people if I couldn't see it working out into a relationship. But now, it's not quite that clear cut. I had a few one night stands and felt good about it, and now there's a guy I'm seeing every now and then, just for a cup of tea and some good sex. He's a nice enough guy, and the sex is really good, but I don't want a relationship with him, and I think it's really clear to both of us that that's all it is, and it's fine.

This seems OK, but there are a couple of things on my mind:

If I get experienced sexually outside of a loving relationship, might this take away from the thrill of sex with someone I really love? Could I end up developing a taste for a variety of men, and find it harder to be satisfied with monogamy?

Or on the contrary, should I be making the most of this to experiment sexually and make the most of the freedom, before I commit to one person in a relationship - kind of getting all this out of my system?

If I rack up a fair bit of experience, am I literally fucking up my chances of ever having a sweet, romantic relationship?

If this has ever been you thinking all this, I'd be really grateful to hear how it all ended up. Thanks!

I think I'm straight. Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:33:23 -0800

After a long time in a lesbian relationship, I'm coming to the realization that I think I'm straight. I don't want to leave my wife (I really love her), but I can't stop thinking about men. Please help me figure this out. Sexually explicit details inside. NSFW When I met the woman who I ended up marrying, I had never thought about sexuality. I had had a very few relationships with men, but was very young. When she told me she was interested in me I thought I could give it a try, fell in love with her, and started identifying as bisexual.

At first the sex was awful (we were both inexperienced and had no idea how to have sex, never mind lesbian sex), but it got better. Over time, though, I found that I had the best orgasms when I fantasized about men during sex. It took a long time for me to tell her this, but I did, and she was fine with it. Eventually it came to be that I could only orgasm when I fantasize about men. She knows this too, and it doesn't bother or worry her at all.

It bothers and worries me. I feel like I'm not having sex with her, rather, I'm masturbating with a hands-free vibrator. I've tried not fantasizing, I've tried keeping my eyes open so that I can see her, and all it does is keep me from coming, make me frustrated, and tire out her arm.

Thinking about this, I've realized several things: I have never really checked out other women in a sexual way. I see a sexy woman and I think "I'd like to look like her" rather than "I'm sexually attracted to her." I look at men, though. The only times I've ever fantasized about women are in fantasies where men are watching me have sex with a woman, and still, the fun only starts when the man/men join in. All of my porn is straight porn, or else it pictures just one woman, and I always identify with the woman and not with the person off-scene who is playing with her.

Recently, my wife and I have pretty much stopped having sex. I know this is partly just a function of being in a ltr, but I feel more and more like we are best friends who happen to share a bed, rather than romantic partners. We've bought toys, we've watched porn, we've tried a bit of kink, but nothing seems to be bringing back the spark. I'm horny, but just don't want to have sex with her. She has said the same, but has said that I'm seeming colder and colder.

I love her so much. She is my world and my light and my heart. She takes care of me, makes me feel beautiful, makes me feel special, makes me want to be a good person. She's my best friend, my confidante, and I trust her implicitly.

Still, I fantasize about a stubbly chin nuzzling against my neck. I dream of being the shorter one in a hug. Of pressing my face against a flat chest, wrapping my arms around narrow hips. I think about sex with a man. A lot. Not any particular man, just a man.

Am I straight? How can I know if I'm straight as opposed to bisexual? Am I just stuck in a monogamy rut? Can I fix myself for this relationship or am I fucked? Am I going to come to a realization ten years down the road and leave my wife for a man, like so many of my older lesbian friends did in reverse? How can I prevent that from happening?

You say toMAYto, I say toMAHto...

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 22:13:08 -0800

So... if one person wants a monogamous relationship, and the other a more open one, there's some sort of easy solution to this... right? Anyone? Yes, relationshipfilter.

We're at our wits end trying to figure out how to make our relationship work, and we're out of ideas. Here's hoping someone out there has a solution or two.

Background.

Him: 38 year old hetero male. Has been in several (not tons and tons, just several) previous relationships. Prefers relationships that are somewhere between open and poly – i.e. its agreed upon at the beginning that he will continue to have sexual relations with a few friends that he has had sex with off and on for years.

Her: 37 year old hetero female. Has been in two previous relationships since age 18. One of about two-three years. The other of ten years. Both monogamous.

They have been friends for a long time - many years before they started dating.

Almost six years ago, they were both single, and started hanging out together quite a bit.

As happens, they started sleeping together.

He was very clear – no strings, no monogamy.

She agreed. She was at a point in her life where she didn't think a long-term monogamous relationship was what she wanted either.

Time moved on.

She moved in.

Almost a year passed, and they've been living together really well. He goes on a trip. Sleeps with an old friend. Tells her. She's devastated.

He's confused. He has only been acting as agreed.

She agrees that she's changed the rules, and isn't being fair. She does her best to get over it.

And for the first time they realize they have a problem. However, they love each other very much and don't want to break up. So they agree to talk about it later.

Much later.

Four more years pass. The friendship is tight. Its not possible to imagine roommates that could live together better. But there's still the large, pink elephant in the corner.

Previous attempts at discussing the "issue" fizzle into repeated "what are we going to do?" "I don't know."

During this time, they have lived monogamously. She is aware that this is not fair to him. Nor does she want to force/trap him into a monogamous relationship.

He doesn't want to change her either.

So –

She wants to be in a monogamous relationship.

He wants to be in a more open relationship.

They desperately want to stay together, but don't want to force the other into a relationship style the other can't live with for 10-50 years. And yes, she's very aware that this has defaulted to a monogamous relationship. She does not consider this a "win."

If necessary, they have decided that if there is no other solution, they will end the "romantic" part of their relationship and be housemates as long as possible, understanding that there may be weirdness when one or the other starts dating other people. Or there may not be. But they'd rather not go there if possible.

Does anyone have any solutions / ideas we can try?

Help me figure out what to do about my relationship.

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:02:49 -0800

Help me sort out my feelings about the relationship I’m in because I just can’t seem to figure it out. (long and complicated - sorry!) (I apologize in advance for the length and thank anyone who can actually read the whole thing and offer some insight.)

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. I’m 25 and she’s 28. We are the somewhat stereotypical lesbian relationship: we met while we were in (unsatisfying) relationships with other people, left our respective partners to be together, became attached at the hip early on (once we started officially seeing each other we did not spend one night apart…. hardly ever), moved across the country together after only dating for six months, and now we live in a big city in a tiny one-bedroom apartment with a dog. We don’t have a lot of friends outside the relationship (a problem we’ve always recognized but never truly tried to fix) and we’re both homebodies for the most part. We even have lunch together almost every day during the week since our offices are close by. Most of the time, this is all okay and even great. I love spending time with her and never get sick of just “hanging out” with her.

When we first met, the sparks and chemistry and intensity was incredible. I have never felt that before in my life. In my heart, I truly felt that this is the person I want to spend my life with; this is the person that I want to grow old with. We connect in ways that I never connected with anyone – intellectually and otherwise.

After about six months to a year (shortly after moving in together), our sex life started to fizzle (think lesbian bed death syndrome). Then she told me that she has memories of being abused as a child, both physically and sexually, mostly the former. Her father was the source of her physical abuse, possibly the sexual abuse as well. In addition, her mother is completely in denial about any of the abuse taking place and has been the cause of my girlfriend having multiple emotional breakdowns since she has started to come to grips with her past abuse. She is in therapy and taking steps to heal and move past the abuse, but I believe it will be a long arduous process. I have done some reading about surviving abuse and the effects on intimate relationships and I won’t lie – I’m scared sh*tless. I’m worried that I am in a relationship that will never ever have satisfying sex again, that my girlfriend will always be the victim when we have arguments and use her past abuse as an excuse for her behavior, and I’m worried that I’ve gotten myself into something I don’t know how to handle.

Our sexual pattern goes something like this: I will initiate sex, usually in a nonverbal way like kissing her, and she will make it apparent that she isn’t interested. I feel disappointed, back down, and then later (either 10 minutes later or two days later, it doesn’t matter), SHE will initiate sex, usually verbally by asking me if I am interested. I generally accept the invitation, we have sex, and then we don’t have sex again for a while (this varies, lately the time between sex has been about two to four weeks). Tonight I told her that this pattern wasn’t working for me anymore, that I don’t like always being rejected only to be invited to have sex later on. Of course this is a control issue. She told me that she needs me to verbally ask her permission before doing anything physical with her – that she doesn’t like it when I start to kiss her, take her belt off, whatever it might be. I obliged to this request, but I feel like it is insane. I don’t know if I can have a sexual relationship with someone who needs me to spell out exactly what I want to do before I do it… like I need to get her to sign an imaginary permission slip before I’m allowed to make love to her. Besides making me feel like a pawn, it completely takes the spontaneity out of sex and kind of makes me not want to do it in the end.

Sometimes I really don’t even want to have sex with her because it is so predictable, so vanilla… I want her to take charge once and a while and do something crazy or different. But she’s only interested in nice, calm, Sarah McLachlan-y sex. Anything else freaks her out (including toys, different positions, etc.). She’s always worried that things will “trigger” her, which I respect and understand… it’s just incredibly disappointing.

Here’s the part where I make my big confession… I have been a less than stellar girlfriend in the faithfulness department. In the past year and a half I have cheated on her with three different people… two of those three people were ongoing affairs that lasted several months. They didn’t mean anything to me past the sex they provided… I was just so incredibly frustrated by the lack of sex in my relationship and so eager to find out what I was missing. They were fun, but that was it – I wasn’t in love with any of them, nor was I interested in prolonging the affairs past their prime. I ended things with the two ongoing people early this year and don’t intend to have any repeat performances. Yes, I got tested and everything was negative re STDs. My guilt was enough to make me realize that it was a mistake. I don’t know why I did it, really… but I think maybe I was just sabotaging this relationship because I’m so worried about the issues she has and the issues we have together. And I thought “oh, I’m young, I shouldn’t be sexless,” etc. etc. Stupid, yes. But it’s over and done with. And she doesn’t know what happened – I decided it would be a horrible idea to tell her because she’s already dealing with enough.

One of the reasons I don’t have a lot of platonic friends outside my relationship with my girlfriend is that I think I tend to sexualize friendships. That’s a different issue for a different post, but I felt I needed to say it here. Maybe one of the reasons I do it is because I feel very sexually repressed and I am subconsciously looking for an outlet in everyone that I meet. Generally, if I’m not sexually attracted to someone I don’t make much effort to have a friendship with them and we lose touch. Weird, yes.

Sometimes, crazy as it may seem, we have this seemingly perfect life together… we’re thinking about the future together and where we might be living in the next year (we might be moving out of the area so she can pursue grad school), and I’m always imagining the house we’ll live in and the life we can build together. But are my hopes for our future overshadowing the problems in our relationship, and is going along with whatever she wants when she wants it just going to dig me in deeper to issues that I am not prepared to deal with?

We went to couples therapy once last year and it was absolutely not helpful for me. Partly because our therapist had this “I don’t keep secrets” policy, so I could never tell her about my infidelities if I wanted her to keep them confidential. But also because I have a hard time talking about serious stuff face to face with a total stranger. Hence the AskMe post.

I feel as though there is a lot more to mention here that I am neglecting to include… mostly I just worry about being the constantly supportive girl in the relationship while my needs are being pushed aside because hers are more important… something like that.

Help?

Details on happy, monogamous male gay couples?

shivohum — Tue, 22 Aug 2006 11:27:04 -0800

Does anyone know of articles or books documenting the lives of happy, monogamous male gay couples and/or statistics on what % of the male gay population resides in relationships of that type? As far as details, I'm looking for background info on those couples' individual lives, how they met, how long they've been together, the kinds of difficulties they've faced, etc.

Thanks!

When is flirting inappropriate?

sequential — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 09:51:34 -0800

Given that you are in a monogamous relationship, when is flirting outside of that relationship inappropriate? It seems to me that, on some base level, flirting is not destructive. In fact, it may be a perfectly natural and healthy way for two people to interact. Yet, as the level of involvement in flirting increases, the emotional stakes rise for the two involved parties and the uninvolved member of the relationship. What's the difference between being friendly, socialable, or playful and hurting a relationship?

Given that there are probably an immense number of factors that would lead to different answers, please refrain from simply answering always, sometimes, or never without enumerating at least some of your reasoning.

Are Popular Women More Likely to Cheat Than Unpopular Women?

Anonymous — Tue, 12 Oct 2004 20:11:29 -0800

Are pretty and popular women more likely to cheat than unpopular women? I have always gone for the quiet, shy girl that was pretty, but pretty in the sort of way that most guys wouldn't notice. Are girls that can have any guy they want more likely to cheat? Or are they more faithful because they have trouble finding guys interested in more than their looks or popularity?

Which duck species mate for life?

Shane — Tue, 06 Jul 2004 10:59:29 -0800

Which species of ducks mate for life? My info tells me so far that most do: Mallards, Mandarins, Whistling Ducks, Maned Ducks, not to mention geese and swans. But Emperor Ducks are not monogamous? Any other species? And I've read that a surviving Mallard will "remarry" if its mate dies. Is this true, true for both sexes, and do the other species do the same?

Evolutionary Advantages

Pericles — Mon, 08 Mar 2004 14:24:18 -0800

IS there any evolutionary advantages to monogamy; non-violence; vegetarianism; religion?