Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mom

Even moving 2000 miles away didn't help...

Anonymous — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:35:42 -0800

My mom stalked my girlfriend's mailing address. This is not okay, right? I got an IM from my girlfriend asking if I'd given my mom her mailing address. When I responded in the negative, she then asked why she had received a letter from my mom.

I'm totally floored right now. Not that it's unexpected, my mom Googles all of our family members every once in a while to see if their names are popping up in the news, or elsewhere. But, I checked. None of the online yellowpages have a listing for my girlfriend. We figure she either got the address from the luggage tag at Thanksgiving last month, went through her purse, bought a background check, or used some intergovernemntal database since she works for a municipality.

The letter was regarding Christmas gifts. Apparently Mom wants to try to coordinate something with her. But, she also asked for GF's e-mail address, so they could talk in the future.

Despite the trivial and non-threatening content of the letter, we both feel violated in the privacy department. I haven't actually seen the letter yet, and GF asked me not to confront my mom until the two of us talk (she's not mad at me, at least), but I don't know how to deal with this situation.

Part of me wants to come out shooting with both barrels. Not only a chewing out, but playing into her hand, oversaturating her with the precious, private and personal information she so desires, in every. Explicit. Detail.

The other part of me realizes that I should deal with this like an adult, and just keep asking her to stop. Previous conversations regarding the Googling always end with, "But it's public information." Which, while true, doesn't mean you should actively seek said information.

The wild card is my Dad. He's a great guy, and I feel so sorry that he has to put up with this on a daily basis. I don't want to start an all-out war, because I don't want him to get caught up in it.

Suggesting therapy never works, as she has a degree in Counseling, which I am absolutely certain she pursued to deflect her actual need for counseling.

What do I do?

throwaway: interstatecrazy@gmail.com

Are there any mom-friendly mp3 players &/or car adapter kits?

lesli212 — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:52:58 -0800

My mom has a long commute, so I'm thinking it would be great to get her an mp3 player for the car. I will be setting it up, but it should be easy for her to use. She is more used to VCR buttons than click wheels and cord-squeezing, so iPod-style interfaces are out. Does anyone know of a reliable mp3 player or car adapter kit that will fit the bill? I'd like to go old school here. The easy part: No lower size limit (4 gigs is more than enough). Also, she won't be loading or removing songs from it - trust me - so it doesn't matter if that process is simple or byzantine.

Are there any mp3 players with:
- large controls that are regular pressable buttons
- just a few, clearly labelled buttons: play, pause, volume, skip, back
- a large display that allows for easy song selection (but no video)
- nice loud speakers, and not tinny - she's getting slightly hard of hearing

Something like this or this from Creative, but with more clearly labelled buttons, would be nice.

I haven't seen any car adapter kits that have play/forward/back buttons for controlling an mp3 player - does anything like that exist, as an alternative?

Thanks MeFites!

My mother loves to talk when I really don't want to listen right now!

InterestedInKnowing — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 09:40:33 -0800

How can I drown out my mother's constant advice giving banter? I love my mom. I really do. She is the strongest woman I know. But sometimes I find it hard to tune her out when she is talking to me and giving me advice like a child. It makes me feel so annoyed. I don't mean to be that way but damn I feel I can't tell her to sit down and watch some TV. If I'm on the computer, it usually means "Do Not Disturb." But she loves, loves, LOVES to talk. She tells me things as if they are new concepts to me. Arrrgggh. What can I do? And she picks holes into my concepts at times which makes listening to her even harder. Either how can I gently tell her to stop her non-direct nagging or how can I stop being so annoyed at her jabbering?

I need a heartfelt gift for my mom and her soon to be amazing (2nd) husband.

kgreerRN — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:25:39 -0800

I need a heartfelt gift for my mom and her soon to be (2nd) husband. She is my best friend and she met the man of her dreams, I want them both to know how excited I am for them. She is moving about an hour away with my school age brother, in to his house with his 1 son. They love the country, outdoors, horses etc. They are simple, down to earth, good ol home cookin love birds! For my wedding I gave her an amazing quilt, I dont really want to do that again, and gift cards are not really our thing. Any other suggestions would be great!

PS I have found wedding gift posts around but none that are about Mom!

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

Gift for a woman I barely know?

Phire — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 07:48:31 -0800

I need help coming up with a gift idea for a 40-50 year old woman that I don't know very well at all. My dad and I will be visiting Chicago for a few days in the near future, and we'll be staying with a friend of his. They were pretty close about ten years ago when both our families lived in the same city, but now we live about a thousand miles apart and they very rarely see each other.

Last time he stayed with this family a few years ago he brought a gift that was more oriented towards the dad, whom he knows better. This time he'd like to bring a gift that the hostess can really appreciate. I've been tasked with finding such a gift.

The only things I know about her is that she's not religious, that she has a daughter who is around 21-year-old, and that she works as a technician at a Big Pharma company. What can we bring in the price range of $60-80 CAD that would be appropriate as a thank-you gift? We're in Ottawa, but bringing the usual maple syrup and whatnot would feel kind of tacky.

Ink my mama

mudpuppie — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 08:39:15 -0800

I need recommendations for a friendly, non-intimidating tattoo shop in Reno, NV. The kind of place you'd take your mother. Or, actually, the kind of place I could take *my* mother. My 67-year-old mother has been threatening to get a tattoo for 5 years or more. A friend of hers of a similar age just got one, so I'm thinking the time is right to finally get her to commit. We'll be in Reno next weekend. Seems like the perfect time/place to make it happen. (Don't worry. She doesn't drink, so it wouldn't be like she'd wake up regretting what she'd done.)

Anyhow, I think she really wants to do it, but that she might back out if we ended up at a place that turned her off for some reason. It would need to be a clean, safe-feeling place, and I don't want to take her to a place where they'll be all tattoo snobby and look down their noses at her. Artistry isn't a huge consideration, given that she'd probably just get something like a heart or a rose or a butterfly. (I know, I know. But hey, she's 67 and she wants one. More fucking power to her.)

Any suggestions?

Please help me to plan a fun trip in Vancouver for my mom

Xianny — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:45:39 -0800

VancouverFilter: My mom is coming to visit for 2 weeks and I need help planning a fun trip for her! More details inside. My mom had hip surgery last year and although she says she can walk fine, I don't want to take her on across-the-city hikes. She's also wearing a knee-high stiff plastic foot brace, so no activities that require specialised footwear (bowling, rollerblading etc).

With that caveat, she'll be here for two weeks. We'll be in the Burnaby/Metrotown area for the first week and then downtown (around Robson) for the second week. My dad will be joining us for the last 3-4 days of the stay. We'll be taking transit mostly but can rent a car for a few days for trips to out-of-the-way places.

I've only been in Vancouver for a short time myself so I'm not too familiar with the area. I'm from Singapore if that matters. My mom is pretty laidback, and I'm looking for low-budget activities. She tends to enjoy slightly active things like checking out a museum or walking through a park, but not more passive things like watching movies or going to a concert. She also likes to have lots of activities planned, not so much a meandering holiday.

I'm planning to take her to Stanley Park and Granville Island, and spend some time walking around downtown, but I'm not sure what other specific places we could go to. Also, if there's anything specific to see or do at Stanley Park or Granville Island, I want to know! Please help me brainstorm activities to keep my mom entertained.

Welcome, mom!

mdonley — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:58:15 -0800

I'm looking for a fun, cheap, highly-visible way to welcome my mom when she arrives at the airport and make her first night and day at my new place relaxed and comfortable. Specifics:

- I live in Poland, she lives in California.
- It'll be around 10:30 at night when we meet.
- She will be crazy jetlagged.
- There will only be her flight arriving at that time of night so the airport will be quite quiet.
- She'll have just had her first Ryanair experience.
- She's pretty low-maintenance and happy to roll with whatever-may-come.
- She's not incapacitated in any way.
- She'll probably want a cigarette or two.
- I live less than 10 minutes from the airport. I'll arrive at the airport by bus and we'll go home via taxi.
- Going out for food is probably not an option - it's not a very big city, and things shut early. She eats everything.
- I speak Polish, she doesn't.
- I cook pretty well and will be home for the entire day before she arrives.

Actual questions:

1) How should I welcome her when she first sees me? A huge sign? A bunch of flowers? A bunch of balloons would be tricky on the bus, as would a non-foldable/rolled sign.

2) What foods are great when you first land and you've been eating airport food for twenty hours? What should I have in the house for her? A big salad? A roast chicken? A few bottles of wine? Candles?

Shower me with your ideas: how did the people meeting you at the airport make you feel great? What was your first night like at their place?

Help me help her help him

jacquilynne — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 10:23:46 -0800

What's the best way for a non-computer oriented person to tap into the blogosphere support network for help with her ADHD child? During my aquafit class this morning, my instructor and I were talking about computer things and blogs, and though she's a little afraid of computers, she seemed interested in the idea of being able to blog about her life with her ADHD and behaviourally challenged son, and get support from other parents with similarly challenging children.

I'd like to help her do that, and while I can handle the technical end of things (getting her set up with her own blog on Blogger or WordPress) easily enough, I don't know where to point her to get other ADHD Moms reading her blog and offering support, or which blogs she might want to read.

I could google, obviously, and find some ADHD resources, but I'm really looking for personal recommendations of blogs or blog networks or social networking sites that have helped you if you're the parent of an ADHD child.

Moms who work far away from home

sandra194 — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 09:01:38 -0800

Any married Moms out there took a job in another city or state because you need a job and there was nothing available in your profession locally? I am assuming that you come home on weekends. What are the ages of your kids? How does family life work? How is it working out financially--renting a house/apartment, paying for two households--is it worth it? How does the hubby deal with it? How do you deal with day to day family issues/problems/etc. if you are not there during the week? How are the kids handling the situation?

Song for mother-son dance?

condour75 — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 08:29:56 -0800

Looking for a mother-son dance song for my wedding. Mom's a boomer and LOVED the Beatles when she was a little girl, so I was thinking that early Beatles would be perfect. But other stuff from the era -- I know she likes Aretha Franklin, for instance -- would also be acceptable. The trick is, obviously I want to avoid stuff with lyrics that smack of romantic (even if squeaky clean, geared-to-screaming-13-year-old-girls) love.

Thoughts?

Naive kid dating a single mom needs advice.

Kupo? — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:21:34 -0800

I'm 26, she's 28 with 3 kids. I need some advice about dating a single mom. I've been dating a wonderful girl long distance for just over 3 months now and I'm getting ready to move there within the next month. I'm comfortable with the relationship aspect, but she has 3 girls under 10 from a previous marriage and I feel totally unprepared for interacting with them. We've been seeing each other on the weekends every 2 weeks when her ex-husband has them so it hasn't been an issue, but being around on a day to day basis will surely change that.

I've been planning on making this move for the last couple years and met her while visiting friends, which is who I'll be living with, so I'm not moving in with her or anything. She hasn't said much about it other than that she has friends over all the time but that she wouldn't want to show any physical affection or allow me to spend the night when the kids were around. I have absolutely no problem with this. She seems to be a great mom and has a lot of help from her friends and family. The ex-husband pays child support and has the kids every other weekend. She says they don't really talk much anymore but that he's a really good father.

If it's not obvious, I'm pretty lost. I'm not even sure what details to provide that would be helpful for receiving advice. The fact that she has kids doesn't bother me, but I know that's partly because she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I think maybe I just don't know what I'm getting myself into. Any help (first hand advice from single moms, any other guys that have been in this situation) would be greatly appreciated.

Extra special Mother's day

charmston — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:44:06 -0800

I have an amazing, incredible mother. Really, she's awesome. This will be the first mother's day that I have the fiscal resources to show her, rather than just tell her, how much I love her. I'll be getting her flowers, that much is sure. In addition to that, I'd like to do something meaningful. My (boring) idea was make a donation to a cause in her honor. But you have more creative, but still meaningful ideas, right? :)

Where to travel with my mom and sister?

brynna — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 11:15:20 -0800

Where should I take my mom and sister for a week of family bonding and exploring? For my graduation gift, my family decided to give me an all-expenses paid one-week trip to anywhere. They wanted me to invite a friend, but since it's my last chance to spend time with my family before accepting a full-time job on the opposite coast (in Boston), I've decided that I want my travel companions to be my mom and my 16 year old sister.

So the question is: where to go?

Some caveats:
1) with the added expense of my other family members going (instead of JUST me), the trip has to be a little bit less expensive, especially regarding airfare. Would like to keep airfare under $400 each, although trains and cars are also options.
2) Departing from Sacramento/San Francisco area. Trip can occur any time in June or July.
3) We have Hilton Points, so would be staying at a Hilton or Doubletree somewhere (I know these are all over, so it's not an issue of WHERE rather than just pointing out that accomodations are spoken for)
4) we are into food and quaintness, with an equal mix of relaxing and exploring.
5) some ideas we were considering were Costa Rica (mine), Montreal (my mom's) and North Carolina (my sister)... but we are still exploring other options!
6) If it were completely up to me and I was traveling alone, I would go somewhere like Morocco or Istanbul, but my mom is more of a coast-of-Maine or Carmel-by-the-Sea type.

Where can three women (45, 21, and 16 years of age) go for a unique week of bonding??

Non-Union Square Xmas gift for my mom?

Viola — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 16:30:31 -0800

I was a dolt and missed the deadline to ship my Mom's potential Christmas gift to my parent's house before I left town. So now I'm left with one weekend in NYC to find her something pretty for the home that's also small enough to fit in a carry-on suitcase. I need recommendations for classy, inexpensive stores in NYC that carry unique and/or handmade bowls, candle holders, tableware, etc for under $80. The centerpiece was sort of perfect for my Mom, but I can live (sob) with a substitute. Other possible gifts I considered from the same online store were this tray and this bowl, but alas, they won't make it to the house in time unless I shell out another $40 for 2-day shipping.

I swear I tried my darnedest to find a relevant question from the Ask.Metafilter annals, but nothing popped up. I know NYC has tons of stores like this, but many are very expensive or dull.

Thanks in advance!

How to discuss sleeping arrangements with boyfriend's mom

Xianny — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:33:49 -0800

How do I discuss sleeping arrangements with my boyfriend's mom? I'm going on a 4-day, 3-night ski trip with my boyfriend's family. This includes his mom, stepdad, stepbrother (C), brother (J) and brother's girlfriend (K). C is 25-30, J is my age (18), and K is 1 yr younger. The bf is 23. BF is pretty close to J, and neither of them are very close to C. I've met C once. J and K live with the BF and me, but we don't spend a lot of time together at all. I'd say we are friendly acquaintances. The same is true for my relationship with his mom and stepdad.

His mom has decided/assumed that the sleeping arrangements will be as follows: mom+stepdad in master bedroom, C in 2nd bedroom (with twin beds), and me, the BF, J, and K in the living room, which has one king-sized sofa bed. No one else has wanted to discuss this so far, so it's a pretty tentative arrangement.

I'm not really comfortable with rooming with J. To me, it would make more sense to put me and K in the 2nd bedroom, and the guys in the living room. It might be a cultural thing (I'm from Singapore, they're Canadian) but that's not really the point.

How do I maximise the probability of my ideal sleeping arrangements while not offending anyone? His mom and stepdad are paying for accomodations and a couple of meals on the trip, so we will be guests, and I want to respect her decisions as hostess, but I feel really weird about sleeping (and living!) in the same space as J, who's really just some guy I barely know. There won't be any closets/dressers, so there will probably be next to no privacy in the living room.

The boyfriend could bring this up with his mom, but what should he say? He's gone on group trips with friends where he slept in the same room as other girls, so he's having problems thinking of something to tell his mom.

Mom's first grandchild-cam

answergrape — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 08:03:51 -0800

I'm looking for a webcam setup for my technophobic mom who lives half a country away from me. She will be using it primarily to see and communicate with her grandchildren. Strangely for a technophobe, she works from home so she has reliable internet access but she is uncomfortable with complex installations and configurations. I'm looking for make/model webcam recommendations and also any hints on other accessories she might need.

Mom loves Christmas, but the whole family can't afford it this year...

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 09:04:32 -0800

My sister and I want to do a gift-free Christmas. What rules should we set? And how do we break the news to our mom? She's big on bargain hunting and spoiling us, so we're sure she's not going to take this well. My spouse and I are doing well, but my sister and her husband are really struggling financially. We talked a few weeks ago and I mentioned the idea of having an "Imagination Christmas" and she was really enthusiastic. I think she was really dreading a Christmas where she would be unable to afford the type of gift my family usually gives to one another. Luckily, neither of us have kids yet.

My mom definitely loves Christmas shopping and there is a good chance that she already has a hallway closet stuffed full of gifts for us. How do we tell her that we want to keep Christmas simple? It is likely that she'll be upset that we don't want the gifts she picked out for us.

What's more, my sister will have to deal with this on her own once Thanksgiving is over. I live in another state and I'll be spending Christmas with my in-laws. Sis is not looking forward to a lonely, one-sided Christmas with my parents.

I would love to do a handmade Christmas, but while my mother and I share a gene for making handmade goods, my sister never got beyond hand turkeys. In addition, she has school, two jobs and no time for herself, let alone knitting or wood-working. I would be happy with a card, but I don't want to unintentionally show up my sister or make her feel bad. I love her and this has been a stressful year for her.

So, first, we need to set some ground rules (Is charitable giving okay? Can we give small gifts? Handmade?). We would love to hear any advice or experiences you have with this.

Next, we need to get Mom on board. My dad abdicates to her on all matters Christmas related, so her participation will make or break the occasion. She might be on board with donating gifts to charity, but it will need to be her idea. Any advice on how to bring this up or keep her happy would be appreciated. We'll just have Thanksgiving break to get this right, so I hope it all goes well.

Mom N' Pot Business

redsparkler — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:11:40 -0800

Please direct me towards some respectable, wholesome looking websites about medical marijuana usage, especially if they're intended for older folks and/or the Oregon Medical Marijuana Program. My mother is in her sixties, and suffers from terrible chronic arthritis pain. I'm convinced that medical marijuana would be a terrific option for her, and at the the very least, much better than the cocktail of various medications that she currently takes. The most recent time we discussed it, she seemed a lot more open to it, especially when I brought up the possibility of tinctures, which a friend of mine uses. The next obvious step is to give her a couple of websites to look at, right?

Fun Facts!
1.) She's super sweet, religious, bakes cookies, and only recently started regularly imbibing alcohol (boxed sangria, at that.).
2.) She's mildly competent at the internet, but probably won't want to read pages and pages of text, like New Yorker articles or the Mother Jones article I found called "Respectable Reefer".
3.) I'm pretty sure she's never smoked pot before, and I haven't, either, so there's no first hand experiential data from either of us, as far as the effects of it go.

Also welcome are anecdotes or cautionary tales about older parents, chronic pain, and medical marijuana usage.

Mom's birthday is going to rock.

metajc — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:35:56 -0800

Mom's birthday filter: Mom is suddenly all about beading and gems and rocks. Any ideas for a cool, "every-rock-necklace-making-beading-enthusiast-should-have-this-___" present? Mom already has a lamp with a magnifying glass, a box, and a taste for "cool-looking rocks." She goes to gem shows.

I was wondering if you all knew of any cool books or resources where I might find something that would surprise her.

Where to dump mom?

Oktober — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 09:11:59 -0800

Where can I dump my mom for a couple of hours in the Chicago Loop Long story short, my mom's visiting from out of town, my power is still out, and I'm somewhat stuck at work. Given that she likes museums, libraries, etc, where can I dump her for a couple of hours until I can get off.

Difficulty level: She just got on the blue line leaving O'Hare

“You'll find boredom where there is the absence of a good idea”

Sassyfras — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:42:25 -0800

I am bored. I don't know what to do with myself. Any suggestions? I am a stay-at-home mom. But, I'm bored. Not bored of the mom thing, just bored in general. I don't do much during the day. How do I get out of this rut?

I am a stay-at-home mom because that's what I want to be - I want to be home with the wee ones, so working outside of the home is not an option. My children are 7 (in school), 4 (at home) and 19 months (at home).

To encourage my boredom are a few restrictions: I am always tired. I guess it comes with the territory. So, going out and doing something demanding is difficult (I really just wanna nap). Finances: money is tight, although we get along - there just isn't much left over to spend money doing stuff (and I always cringe when I drive because I know I'm using gas and gas is expensive). My children are small: my youngest takes naps in the afternoon so the things we do usually need to be accomplished before noon. Also, since my children are small, so are their attention spans. No family near by: I don't have family near by to count on as babysitters or someone to go visit or go out with. I do have friends and we visit and swap babysitting every once in a while, but that contact just isn't enough.

So, considering the above restrictions any suggestions to help me be less bored? What are some things that you do during the day?

Mom needs to take care of herself more. Help me help her.

Anonymous — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 10:48:24 -0800

Caretaker (mom) almost completely neglects her personal health and life goals to help chronically ill but stable (dad). Her health is now declining. How do I help her understand that she needs to take better care of herself? My mom has been taking care of my dad for about 3 years now. They are both retired, in their 60s. He has been adjusting to life in a wheelchair, and is incredibly slow with elements of his daily routine (but is otherwise in decent health).

She constantly worries, stays up at night and is by his side whenever he has any problems. She has not left his side once since he has been in a wheelchair. This behavior makes it so that he depends on her even more, and does not learn to care for himself. He even has a personal care attendant 40 hours per week (to take stress away from mom).

Each time we have a family meeting, the end result is that he promises to be more independent and she promises to take better care of herself. However, nothing ever changes. He has done a number of wheelchair camps and rehab programs, but reverts back to depending on her, because she continues to enable him. When we tried to cut the attendant's hours, mom quickly tried to fill the void by helping him more. She became exhausted.

Before his condition, dad was incredibly needy. He didn’t cook, clean, help with gardening or much else around the house. By default, she has always done all of the heavy lifting. But now she is getting old and I want for her to have some quality time in her life… time for herself. She has always been so selfless it seems totally unfair. How do I help her realize that she needs to take time for herself? How do I help him realize that he should enable her to care for herself?

How do I fix this?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 10:37:30 -0800

My mom and my husband have become bitter enemies. Is there anything I can do to make it better? If so, what? My husband and I got married in November 2006. It was a destination wedding, so only our immediate family attended. This summer, my mom decided to have a party at her house, a couple hours away from where my husband and I live. She invited her friends, people she works with, and a couple family friends from back in the day. My husband and I didn’t know most of the people invited. I knew from the beginning that the party was in large part to “show me off,” as my husband put it. In any case, it seemed like not a big deal—all we had to do was show up, mingle, and my mom would be totally happy.

My husband did not see it this way. From the very beginning, he was upset that my mom didn’t consult him or ask if he wanted a party. He referred to the party as a “command performance,” and insinuated that since my mom paid for our wedding, we were under some kind of obligation to do things we didn’t want to do. He also said that I was going along with the idea because I’m afraid of my mom’s anger. I will admit that my mom has a problem with anger, and that no, I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it. Also, I’m just kind of a passive, go-with-the-flow type person. Anyway, I tried to be sensitive to my husband’s feelings about the party, even though I thought he was overreacting.

The day of the party, my husband had a meeting for coaching my stepdaughter's soccer team in the morning. It was clear that attending the meeting meant that we would be cutting it really close as far as getting to the party in time. My husband agreed to leave the meeting early. We never actually discussed what time we were planning to get to the party. My mom wanted us there like, a day early, and my husband thought it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we were late to our own party. I should have known then that this would not end well. Anyway, the drive to my mom’s house normally takes about 2 1/2 hours, but there’s a lot of construction on the highway lately, so I figured it could easily end up taking 3 hours or more. Also we were losing an hour due to time zone change. I figured that we were leaving enough time to get there about half an hour early, which seemed like a reasonable compromise.

During the drive, my husband apparently made several remarks about how we were going to get there just in time, or how we were barely going to make it, or whatever. I don’t know because I was driving and apparently not paying much attention to the conversation in the car (we were driving up with my friend and her husband). I was sort of keyed up, and I was driving pretty fast. There wasn’t much traffic/construction, and we got there an hour early. At which point my husband accused me of purposely misrepresenting the actual start time of the party (i.e., “You said three eastern time! You lied!”). He thought we were going to get there right on time, in other words. It was an honest mistake, and I apologized, but my husband would not believe me. He was mad all day and went upstairs to brood a couple hours before the last party guests left. My mom was super pissed, and they got into a huge fight.

Now my husband no longer wants to see or talk to my mom, and my mom sent me an email last night about how my husband's behavior at the party was "abusive." I really wish they would both just calm the fuck down.

So do I have to take sides? Should I try to mend things or leave it alone? I feel like it's kind of my fault for getting the time wrong. Is it my responsibility to fix it?