Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mom and mother

Recurring dream

thank you silence — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 03:07:19 -0800

I keep having the same dream over and over. Has anyone else had this? So it's 6am and I am laying in bed after what seems like my millionth dream about my mom, who passed away a little over a year ago. A few months after she died I would have basically the same dream every night for weeks--she was always alive in these dreams, and although I knew she was dead it was almost like she had been given some more time but I knew she'd have to "go back" soon. Sometimes she looked well, but most of the time she was frail like she was at the end. I figured these dreams were my subconscious way of dealing with her loss. I entered grief therapy shortly after and the dreams slowly faded.

Now over a year later they're back, and so frequent I can't even keep track. It feels like one a night for going on weeks now. The setting is usually my childhood home, and sometimes my mom talks to me in these dreams...tonight she said she was feeling better and was trying to regain her strength. A few weeks ago she told me she could see me from heaven.

I guess I don't know what my question really is...I don't mind the dreams but some part of me feels like there's something I need to address that I am missing completely. I also wonder if anyone else has had this experience. Thank you.

Good gift ideas for new moms?

Bwithh — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 17:47:01 -0800

What are some good Birthday gift ideas for new mothers.... ... that are NOT baby-focussed? (I'm sure my friend has plenty of new for-baby stuff recently already!)
Looking in the $20-$50 range....

hip/stylish is good
gadgety is good
foody is good
eco-friendly/new agey is also good!

it's her first kid, if that helps...

thanks for any ideas!

How to help a parent cope with the loss of a spouse?

entropicamericana — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 07:58:11 -0800

I lost my dear dad unexpectedly Sunday after a series of illnesses. My mom, luckily, is still with us. They were together 54 years and my mom was only 17 when they met. The most important thing to my dad was my mom's well-being and I feel it is now my duty to look after her to the best of my ability. I have no idea how to help her cope with the loss of my father. I want to be there for her as much as possible, but I don't want to smother her. Does anyone have any advice?

Help me tell daughter Santa Claus truth

lynnie-the-pooh — Sun, 30 Sep 2012 23:39:06 -0800

Help me tell 8 year old the truth about Santa Last year, my 7 year old daughter asked me if Santa was real? I panicked and said yes. She said some kids at school said he isn't real but I said, "Well, where do those presents come from then? I believe in Santa."

The part of me that panicked and said that was the part that has been telling her about Santa since she was a toddler, and I always tell her that Mommy tells the truth, you can always trust Mommy, etc. So now, if I tell her otherwise, I don't know how she is going to believe that I tell the truth and she can trust me.

How can I word it so she can understand why I did it, and why I am coming clean now, but that all the rest of what I tell her is the truth. Trust is a big issue with her and I.

I know the third graders are going to say it again this year and I want to be ready.

Men: How was your mom awesome during your teen years?

SinAesthetic — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 11:28:04 -0800

Men: how was your mom awesome during your teenage years? For all the guys out there...those of you who look back on your teenage years and have an overall impression of having had a great relationship with your mom, tell me what particular qualities contributed to this--both her individual qualities and the unique quality of your way of relating to each other. What kind of things helped you stay close through the natural process of individuation and becoming a man? (I'd like to steer clear of the negative version of this, "my mom was so awful because ....."). I know that teenage years are difficult for both genders and that many problems are universal, but I'm particularly interested in the specific issues guys have, from the perspective of being an opposite-gendered parent. I'm looking for things beyond just the obvious generalities like having respect for you as a person, ability to set limits but also negotiate things on a situation by situation basis, appropriate boundaries, privacy, trust, etc. that I consider baseline level good mom-ness.

If it matters: No significant family drama/trauma, and still happily married to his father. Things are great, just interested in doing all I can to keep it that way.

Yes, I've read it: Michael Gurian's The Mind of Boys and The Wonder of Boys; Raising Cain: protecting the emotional life of boys, Real Boys, rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood

How do I be a great SAHM for my baby?

crabintheocean — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:23:33 -0800

Can you give me your best tips, tricks, and general guidance for being a stay-at-home mom of an older baby? As of next week I will be caring for our 8 month old by myself full time, and I'm scared! Whem we decided to have a baby it was expressly part of our plan that I not stay home with him - we planned for my wife to be home while I worked, and sort of amazingly, we have both been at home since he was born. However, various factors mean that I'll be the one caring for him in the daytime for the foreseeable future while my wife works full time. This really is the only way to do it right now. In a few months I'll be in school two days a week and my mom will have him those days.

I love this kid like crazy, but I am a lazy person who does better with a lot of personal space, grown up conversation, and time to think. I get frustrated and overwhelmed more than I would like. I think i am also having some mild PPD which is making me anxious and quicker to feel hopeless, i am trying to exercise and eat well. Please trust me that meds or therapy are out for now. He is a super smart and physical 8 month old who is close to walking and gets bored and whiny easily. He is only happy in a stroller for about 25mins before he has to be carried, and he doesn't nap for long if someone (and their boob) doesn't stay by him.

We are currently at a relative's house that is very messy and not at all safe for him, and I can't turn my back for a second, but we're moving in the next couple of weeks - am I right to think that this wil be easier in a clean and tidy environment I can control? Please tell me about how you handle(d) this -especially practically. Talk to me like it's my induction at a new job. How do you manage to brush your teeth (seriously)? Where do you go? What do you do? How do you handle bad days? What do I need to know? What gadgets or equpment have saved your sanity? FYI, we are in a big city (London) with no car.

Thanks! I want to make this unexpected role as awesome for all of us as I can, and I think it's going to be the hardest thing I ever do .

I need some advice about my relationship with my mom

graphitix — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 23:02:42 -0800

I need some advice about my relationship with my mom. I'm moving back close to home soon and I was wondering if you guys had any advice on how to deal with an illogical religious person. Or more specifically, how do I reason with her to foster a better relationship? Here's some background

I grew up in a super restrictive house. My mom and my dad were immigrants from South East Asia. My mom was a devout roman catholic from a young age and read the bible alot and went to mass, etc... When she went off to nursing school, she converted to Pentecostalism. Then she got married and immigrated. I don't really remember a lot about how she acted when I was 0-6 years old or so, but from what I remember she was extremely religious. She believes in all the charismatic stuff, like speaking in tongues/healing/prophecy. She would force me to "speak in tongues" with her and claimed she could prophesy. A lot of her friends would call her to pray over the phone and stuff. I saw a lot of crap starting to happen in the church we went to so I became really cynical.

My mom would regularly get in fights with my dad. She accused the pastor of being demon-possessed. If me or my Dad tried to reason with her, she would accuse us of being demon-possessed. She would "rebuke" us and would ignore what we were trying to say. Our church had reserved time for members to give a "testimony" or basically talk about whatever they wanted to for a short time in the middle of the service. My mom would use this time to not-so-subtly blame the pastor or talk about an issue that she had fought with me about during the week. When the pastor would speak, she'd interrupt him by "speaking in tongues" and "rebuking" him. Eventually, that pastor was let go because of some trivial issues that were exaggerated into a scandal.

Afterwards, my mom continued to exhibit this illogical behavior in our family. She said stuff like church picnics were not holy, she wouldn't let me see friends. She'd accuse my dad's mom of being a witch and casting a curse on our family. At the same time, she would fast all the time. My dad would get angry because she wouldn't eat anything. She still does this and now she's rail-thin. She'd pray for roughly 6-7 hours a day while running a bible study. Also, she would not cook very often or help us with school. I was raised pretty much by the TV and the microwave since my Dad was always busy with work.

I went away to university (thank god), developed social skills, and eventually got a job elsewhere in the country. I don't talk to her very often, and if I do, I get angry because I can't reason with her. She would prophesy stuff to me about my future, none of it would come true, and it would only add fuel to the fire. I've accused her to her face of being a bad mom and ignoring her children. Her response is, "Oh god will take care of everything" or some trite bs like that. When I was a kid, I guess I didn't realize how bad I had it sometimes since I was isolated. But lately, it's been really pissing me off and I'm starting to hate her even more.

My Dad knows that she has been acting stupid for a long time, but he won't deal with it. His advice is to just accept it and ignore the crazy stuff she spews. This new years, when my dad told her I was moving back, she didn't call me for a week. When I asked her about this, she said she was preparing a speech for her bible study. I got angry because this was a perfect example of her priorities being completely jacked up.

How do I fix this relationship? Does anyone have any experience of dealing with someone like this?

how do I avoid saying something stupid or inappropriate about your x, the father of your child?

eli_d — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 21:29:15 -0800

Guy trying to date a beautiful single mother don'ts filter: Young single mothers who date: how do I avoid saying something stupid or inappropriate about your x, the father of your child? So. I'm guessing he's a nice guy, although I haven't gotten to know her well enough to know if he's a jerk or not. Either way, I need to show some serious respect and not cross any lines. I've dated girls in the past who will talk trash about their family's & their baby's daddys, but the second I stepped in with an attempt at chivalry and honor-defending ... it was to the doghouse for me. Arf. Arf. Rahr. Doh. So... any tips on things to absolutely avoid, if I stand any chance with this beautiful mother of a one year old?

Mom/mother sounds similar in many languages, why?

querty — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 00:30:35 -0800

Mom, mère, мама, แม่, μαμά, 媽媽, maminka, mẹ, mamãe... how did so many languages naturally come up with the starting sound of Mmmm for this word?
A coincidence? Natural phenomenon? Babies like the "M" sound?

No cheese for Mother's Day

ellieBOA — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 10:35:13 -0800

Help me find a non-cheesy short poem/quote/verse to put inside a Mother's Day card. I've made a card for my Mum, and am searching for something to write on the inside. All the poems/quotes I've found on Google are really cheesy, and my Mum is a very straightforward woman who really wouldn't appreciate it!

I like ee cummings and have used his poetry in Valentine's cards before, but can't find anything suitable from him.

Thanks!

Books about growing up without a mom

Verdandi — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 07:56:36 -0800

I'm looking for novels for my little cousin about growing up without a mother. My cousin lost her mother at a very young age. Now that she's 11, she's interested in books where a main character grows up without a mother figure. She reads at about a 15-year-old's level, and enjoys reading a great deal

Growing up without a mother doesn't have to be the main focus, but it should be a prominent part of the book, if possible,

Thank you!

Please help me reply to my mom's email concerning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:50:35 -0800

My mom sent me an email today acknowledging for the very first time (that I am aware of) that she experiences symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I would like to write the best response that I can to her, with some links or information about possible next steps. I don't want to screw this up, please help me help her! I have spent my adult life aware of her serious emotional and cognitive problems. My younger years with my parents were awful – I was rebellious and angry and unable to accept the serious dysfunction in our family. For the last 10 years I have been in therapy intermittently (taking breaks due to geographical and financial difficulties), where I have successfully learned to be accepting yet necessarily distant from both of my parents. There is no question whatsoever between all of my therapists and me that my mother suffers from severe Aspergers symptoms (almost every single criteria in the DSM IV fits her), as well as some emotional difficulties. My dad has some emotional problems as well, but they don't seem to be as severe as my mother's. They have a happy marriage, but its been lived blissfully in denial. My brother and I have suffered immensely. I have recovered, my brother hasn't. We are not close.

Fortunately for me, I learned to be very independent from a young age. I also do not display any pragmatic or negatively-impacting symptoms of ASD. I do however experience intense passions and focus, am able to see patterns in things that others don't tend to pick up on, and show an aptitude for understanding complex systems like language, puzzles, mechanics, etc. Basically, I seem to have some of the socially desirable features of ASD, with none of the social impairments.

I say all this, because in an email exchange today with my mom about language and ASD (I study pragmatics and sent her a link to an NPR talk in reply to a question she asked), she responded with the following, "Do you think you may be Autistic? I am wondering about me and my sensitivity to sound and light. Mom."

I would love to reply to this email in the best, most encouraging way possible. Maybe include a link to a place near her to get a professional test to determine if she has ASD, and where to go from there. Maybe a support group number, or a reason why it might be beneficial to understand more about the possibility of a professional diagnosis.

I am trying not to get my hopes up about this opportunity to help her. My mother has lived a lifetime of pain and confusion, not understanding why she miscommunicates with those around her (she often unknowingly offends others to the point where they scream, yell, or otherwise distance themselves from her). My dad literally shelters her from the world, sacrificing the needs of others or dismissing them in order to keep my mom calm, all the while praising her for being quirky. He means well, and wants the best for her, but this approach has prevented her from being able to stand on her own, seek answers and grow.

I am not close with any members of my family, and have been independently successful and healthy for some time. Through the advice of my previous therapists, I have limited my contact with family members to brief phone conversations and emails. This has done wonders for my relationships with them, and I don't wish to disrupt the balance. However, I see this email as an opportunity to take some important growth steps to self-realization...for all of us. I want to do it right.

MeFites: Please provide me with some advice, links, or ways to approach this subject that might resonate best with her and help her. How would you handle this situation? What would you write back?

FYI, I am female, early 30's, not currently in therapy due to financial constraints, but definitely reconsidering going back now to get some help understanding and processing these new developments. I'll be happy to provide more info as necessary. Throwaway email address: helpmehelpmom@gmail.com

Welcome, mom!

mdonley — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:58:15 -0800

I'm looking for a fun, cheap, highly-visible way to welcome my mom when she arrives at the airport and make her first night and day at my new place relaxed and comfortable. Specifics:

- I live in Poland, she lives in California.
- It'll be around 10:30 at night when we meet.
- She will be crazy jetlagged.
- There will only be her flight arriving at that time of night so the airport will be quite quiet.
- She'll have just had her first Ryanair experience.
- She's pretty low-maintenance and happy to roll with whatever-may-come.
- She's not incapacitated in any way.
- She'll probably want a cigarette or two.
- I live less than 10 minutes from the airport. I'll arrive at the airport by bus and we'll go home via taxi.
- Going out for food is probably not an option - it's not a very big city, and things shut early. She eats everything.
- I speak Polish, she doesn't.
- I cook pretty well and will be home for the entire day before she arrives.

Actual questions:

1) How should I welcome her when she first sees me? A huge sign? A bunch of flowers? A bunch of balloons would be tricky on the bus, as would a non-foldable/rolled sign.

2) What foods are great when you first land and you've been eating airport food for twenty hours? What should I have in the house for her? A big salad? A roast chicken? A few bottles of wine? Candles?

Shower me with your ideas: how did the people meeting you at the airport make you feel great? What was your first night like at their place?

Extra special Mother's day

charmston — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:44:06 -0800

I have an amazing, incredible mother. Really, she's awesome. This will be the first mother's day that I have the fiscal resources to show her, rather than just tell her, how much I love her. I'll be getting her flowers, that much is sure. In addition to that, I'd like to do something meaningful. My (boring) idea was make a donation to a cause in her honor. But you have more creative, but still meaningful ideas, right? :)

Software for my mum.

divabat — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:32:10 -0800

My mum loves interior design. She also loves puzzles but finds black belt Sudoku too easy. She's inheriting a laptop. What sort of programs and games can I load on this laptop for her? I just got a new laptop, so my mum will "inherit" this one while I bring my new one overseas. I would like to load it with some useful software and games she can use.

She generally uses computers for the most basic tasks, though she has spent long nights playing Minesweeper. She's still getting the hang of things though, so we don't want anything complicated.

She'll mainly be checking email and looking at pretty interior design websites, so I'm keeping Firefox on there. I'm also keeping AVG. Is there any spyware program that doesn't need too much tech knowledge to run? I have Spybot S&D but I'm worried that it'll be too complex for her.

She LOVES puzzle games. As mentioned earlier, she has spent HOURS on past computers playing Tritryst, Minesweeper, Freecell, and Solitaire. She is now a Sudoku aficionado but is finding even "black belt" level puzzles to be too easy for her. What sort of games along the same vein (puzzle, easy to learn the basics, increasing difficulty, logical/mathematical) can I install? I'd prefer it be offline software than anything she has to go online for, but websites are good.

She also has asked for something that lets her design; I already have Photoshop on this laptop so I'm keeping it for her. Is there any good software for interior designers or those that like interior design?

Specs about this laptop:
* Acer TravelMate 290, 3 years old
* Windows XP SP2, has Office 2003 and Photoshop and a few other things
* 30GB altogether split in two partitions: C: has 20gb which is mostly taken up by software, D: has 10gb.
* 512MB RAM but kinda slow
* Internet connection is through a mobile modem (uses mobile SIM card); comparable to broadband but not always on
* Speakers passable, I think there's headsets in the house so she can use Skype
* Currently has trackpad; am considering getting optical mouse

Thanks! :)

Single mother.

packphour — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 01:45:09 -0800

Any advice for a single mother venting? She's a good mom, I've seen her and her kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only friend who understands. her: i wish people truely could see what my life is like. i try and hide a lot of it, but it's 400000 times harder than people assume.

her: and i get irritated when people like my friend says SHE needs a break

her: she has her in-laws who watch her daughter every day until 7pm and EVERY weekend.

her: if i had 3 hours to myself twice a year i'd be happy.

her: i'm just so burned out

her: i have so many problems outside of my kids that i just feel like ummmm.... well like britney spears sometimes.

her: she went crazy b/c her life is nuts. i'm sure her kids - who are the same age diff as mine - drive her insane - then she has to deal with an Ex trying to take all her money. meanwhile she has a career she is trying to maintain. i get why she shaved her head and went bezerk.

her: i wish my friends would take my kids for an afternoon or an evening and not make me feel guilty about it - b/c goddamn i need a break - but my friends who supposedly love me dont' love me enough to even do that. My guy friend told me last night "i know you'll hang up on me after i say this but the reason your friends don't help you is b/c your kids aren't disciplined"

her: thanks asshole.

her: not go fuck yourself and have a nice day

her: i'm trying so hard to maintain my sanity

her: and it's not just my kids - i love my kids and they aren't bad kids - [son 2] - he's nuts - probably b/c he's genetically predispositioned to be like his dad - and the fact that he lost his father twice in the 2 years of his life. who the fuck knows

her: but outside of that - i have tons of problems that i don't know how to solve.

her: anyway i'm just venting

What to buy Mum for her 65th birthday?

deborah — Tue, 08 Mar 2005 13:21:42 -0800

My mum will be 65 on March 18. She can just about buy anything her wee little heart desires. I cannot because money is, well, in short supply. What should I get/buy/do for her birthday? I don't want to be too specific about her tastes/interests. I want to get as many answers as possible. Y'all will most likely come up with something that won't occur to me.

I'm in the Greater Vancouver area in British Columbia. Mum is just north of Seattle, Washington.

Toddler Parenting

Turtle — Wed, 22 Dec 2004 08:42:29 -0800

My two-year-old niece doesn't like guys anymore. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but she also rejects her dad, which makes him sad. My sister wants to know, what can be done?

I remember reading an AskMe about ways to cope with a kid who prefers one parent over the other, but I couldn't find it (and I looked pretty hard).