Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with mental

How to say "you're crazy"?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 09:08:51 -0800

How do you tell someone that they're "crazy"? I need to help a best friend who is losing his sanity. It's a long story... About three years ago, in his early twenties, while under a huge deal of pressure in a very stressful job, he started hearing God speaking to him – literally hearing the voice as if it were real. He began to identify as a Christian, and immersed himself deeply in biblical scholarship, Gospel of Thomas, Gnosticism, all that sort of thing. It wasn’t run of the mill born-again stuff; it was obsessive, and a complete and utter break from his previous personality. The signs that something was odd were obvious, but his parents, for reasons I won’t go into, were of no help. His behaviour became more and more erratic, he could not continue working, he got arrested after flipping out on his housemates after God warned him of an impending terrorist attack, he spent a brief period in a mental hospital, came out, got deeper into the stuff, started obsessing about hell, and ended up attempting suicide and was lucky to survive the attempt. I had been living overseas during this time, and was shocked to find out about the whole thing when I got back.
That was two years ago. After this he received the psychiatric treatment he should have had long before, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and started taking medication to control the voices and visions. He started living with his parents again, started receiving a disability pension, and realized that the whole thing had been a symptom of mental illness. He went into a deep depression for about a year. Then he began to recover, returned to university, and it seemed possible that he’d be able to put the whole thing behind him. He was no longer religious.
He graduated from university a bit less than a year ago, and since that time he’s seemed to have his condition under control. He was still living with his parents, taking it easy, half looking for work, began another course and planned to go overseas to live with another relative. He tried dating; he hadn’t had a girlfriend since the whole thing blew up. He seemed to be in a bit of a rut, but at least he wasn’t in danger. If you met him you might not consider him completely “normal” (who is?) but you wouldn’t suspect that he had schizophrenia.
But over the last week I’ve received a couple of calls from him. He sounded perfectly rational, there wasn’t a trace of mania in his voice, but what he was talking about disturbed me. He seems to have a new hobby researching occult symbolism on the internet. He spoke for hours about Egyptian, freemasonic imagery, Babylonian mythology, ancient mystery religions, and said that he had pieced everything together, and uncovered a great secret – basically a magic spell that can lead to life after death. Apparently this secret has been known throughout the ages but because it is being kept secret because it is dangerous and if you do it wrong you will go to hell. Anyway, he has uncovered the magic spell, which he says has given him the feeling of eternal life, physical sensation of power, enlightenment etcetera. He instructed me how to perform this spell myself (the particular details are not important, needless to say it is quite bizarre). But he says he hasn’t discovered the final stages of the spell and is still looking.
I didn’t know what to say. What I wanted to say was – “have you been taking your meds?” But I didn’t want to offend him. I didn’t want to say that his “enlightenment” was just his mental condition resurfacing. I just listened patiently and said, “hmmm… that’s interesting”. The thing is, he talks in the most normal way. He knows he is perfectly sane. And I’m pretty sure he has been taking his meds, but something is still wrong. If I tell him that he’s losing his mind, he’ll just think I’m being an asshole.
It is stressing me out because this guy is my best friend, we’ve been best friends since we were like ten years old. He’s the only friend I’ve kept in contact with since school. And he’s really smart, an excellent guy, who could achieve anything if it wasn’t for this illness. When I recall all the memories of how we grew up together, I just feel totally awful about what it has come to.
So… I don’t really know if there’s an answer to this question, or if anyone has been in the same situation, or what. But I’m at a bit of a loss. He needs help getting back into the real world and piecing his life together again. How do you tell someone that they are “crazy” when they’re obviously not going to believe you?

Have you taken back your mentally ill partner and wish you hadn't? Or wish you had?

Toto_tot — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:33:02 -0800

Do you do this? How do I escape the pattern of going back to, because I can't resist helping, my (I think) mentally ill (or unstable/intense) husband. See, he's not all bad... Do you regret going back? Do you wish you had? My husband of 17 years is one of those very smart, creative, super-funny people that are sometimes (not all the time) crazy. When I met him we were both had theater and music careers. I'd never met anyone like him and he pursued me to another country. We married, worked in the arts together, and had a child. Let me say this off the top, he is an awesome father.

But he is also the most 'intense' person I have ever met and I have, as my therapist says, "managed" him from the beginning. You know the dysfunction--making sure I never made him too mad, making sure he was okay with whatever we were doing... etc. He was a pothead and when angry, intensely angry (never physically). But he's also funny and smart... etc, right, you know....

By the time my daughter was four, I had basically checked out, was on the way out the door, when he woke up to that fact and got sober. He's been sober for 8 years. It's weird though, he's always held it up as an example of how he changed for the sake of the marriage and 'where was my change?'

Anyway, blah blah blah there were good times and hard times. He really stepped up and became an excellent husband and father. But I still sometimes managed him (his anger was under control), and watched as he seemed to build resentments and destroy relationships outside of the marriage, work relationships more than personal.

Flash forward to this past spring and summer where we had one friend die super young (42) and another diagnosed with cancer. He had the pressure of finishing his Masters... He stopped sleeping, became hypomanic, destroyed one of the most valuable professional relationships he had, displayed (mild but definite) delusions of grandeur.

Then 2 months ago he started an affair with a woman half his age (44 and 23) and left me in a frightening, explosion of verbal abuse witnessed by our 13year old. He set up a place of his own and she practically lived there. He has started drinking again, although I don't know how much.

That wasn't enough for my co-dependent self to call it quits. And now that it's settling down, and he can see that he and this woman have nothing in common, I am faced with the decision of taking him back.

And of course now he is smart and insightful and penitent. And of course I understand that I am certainly culpable in any relationship problems that led to an affair. Our daughter misses him. And I still love him. I do.

I believe that he is an undiagnosed bipolar and/or some other personality disorder and so how can I leave him? IF HE GETS HELP, how can I turn away? And the more depressed and distraught he becomes the more I feel sorry for him and can't imagine also taking his family away from him. Yes, I can suck it up and work on our marriage--I know I can--and I know that it will be good and bad again, like all marriages. But what if it all goes horribly wrong again in three years... Trust is definitely an issue, along with the list of resentments toward me that he has dredged up in our arguments and discussions. But those are issues for couples therapy....??? I am already seeing someone on my own, as is our daughter.

Anyone out there have a similar experience? Take your partner back and wish they hadn't or turned away and wish they hadn't? I miss him but I'm also kinda relieved. More than anything, I feel like I'm dying inside on a daily basis.

I think I might have Asperger's. What should I do?

edguardo — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:32:59 -0800

I think I might have Asperger's. In my case, should I even bother being tested? What would a confirmation/disconfirmaton mean? I'm 22 years old, male, college student, soon-to-be post-bacc medical student.

I've been medicated in the past for anxiety and depression (Lexapro), but I've been drug-free for a year and, I think, coping really well.

My coping methods, however, are optimized for living alone, as I did for a year before my girlfriend moved in with me a few months ago.

When living alone, I can take all the time I need to myself to chill out, calm down, and take myself out of overwhelming situations, generally involving other people. I've been controlling my anxiety and mood swings by avoiding the things that cause them, and now that I live with someone else in a small apartment, I feel like a lot of my "solutions" have just been temporary fixes.

Now, I'd say we just need to work things out and talk to each other, which we're good at doing when we clash, except for the fact that both my girlfriend and my mother think that I have Asperger's.

If it were just me, I wouldn't bother seeing a mental health professional, since I know there's no "cure" for AS and it's just something you deal with. But it isn't just me; I have my relationship with my girlfriend to consider, and I know I can be very difficult to live with (I find myself difficult to live with sometimes too).

My girlfriend says I've become easier to deal with since she's decided I have AS, and my mother says she's wondered for years if I had mild autism. It just seems so late in the game, so to speak, for this to come up.

I'm afraid that if I am determined to have AS, that I'll be considered a faker or excuse-maker since I'm fairly well-adjusted. I'm afraid that if I'm determined NOT to have AS, that I'm dealing with something like a mood disorder instead, and I'm not interested in going back on medication.

I've already sent an email to a local psychiatrist who works with autistic children, asking if she counsels adults or who I should see about it. That's a first step, but how do you think I should proceed?

Should I mention I'm mentally ill on a graduate school statement of intent

Anonymous — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:35:36 -0800

Should I mention my mental illness on my graduate school statement of intent? Brief background - I have social anxiety, depression, and Asperger's syndrome and a year ago, I graduated with a B.S. in Economics from a fairly prestigious technical school. I really want to go on to get a Master's in Economics, followed by a PhD.

However, mostly due to depression and anxiety, my grades were not that fantastic, 2.6 or so overall and my grades in some of my econ courses were not that great (for instance, I got a C in my Math Methods of Econ mostly because I had to miss a week of class since I was in the mental ward at a hospital because I was ready to kill myself). I do have support from one professor who I actually talked to when I was in school who would be glad to write letters of recommendation to some schools I'm looking at he thinks are realistic options given my background, not to mention I did pretty alright on the GREs (though only a 670 on the Math and 580 on the writing).

However, it was suggested to me by someone that I mention the fact I have mental illness, especially Asperger's, on my statement of intent, that is my essay on why I want to attend graduate school. I've been told that schools like to let in disabled applicants because it makes their departments look good, and that having Asperger's would be an asset as people would think I'm some kind of genius (to be honest, I really wish I had that super-Aspie power of concentration on academic subjects, as I tend to obsess over the Internet and more useless topics). Likewise, someone else suggested I use it as saying that I've "overcame adversity."

But I'm concerned about the fact that there's a stigma associated with mental illness and that an economics department might be reluctant to accept me into their program because they think I'm sort of skizo who hears voices or has multiple personalities or more or less just flake out. I'll also be honest - I really don't think I've "overcome" my mental illness. I wish I could give an inspiring personal account how I overcame it but it's something I struggle with everyday but if I mention it, it would explain why my grades were less than stellar. I think that they might view the fact I'm mentally ill as more of a liability than an asset to their department.

As a tangential issue, I'd like to have the aforementioned professor look over my statement of intent since I can't think of anyone else to do it, but I'm afraid if I do mention it, he'll find out I'm mentally ill and that would ruin our relationship and he'd stop wanting to help me.

So should I bother mentioning I'm mentally ill in my statement of intent? If so, how should I go about it?

I'm not so much ashamed that I'm mentally ill, only that I don't want to be rejected on the account of the stigma associated with mental illness.

As a final clarifying note, yes, I do realize that graduate school will be harder than my undergraduate program. However, I do want to get a PhD eventually because I love doing research and that's something I'd like to do for the rest of my life because it actually makes me happy.

I'm dreaming of a well-rested Unicorn...

Unicorn on the cob — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:48:12 -0800

Almost every dream I have is a nightmare, if I remember the dream. Is there a way to train myself not to do this? Inspired by this question, I realized that almost every time I dream, it's a nightmare. They are typically very vivid and not "anxiety" dreams, like taking a test without studying. On the scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is, say, a sex dream and 10 equals me being in a situation where I have experienced hours of physical torture and eventually am eaten alive by rabid animals (and waking up feeling nauseated, heart pounding, sweaty), I'd say the majority of my dreams are in the 6-8 range.

I have also experienced cyclical nightmares every night for up to 10 months. By this I mean I can wake up 6-10 times a night and pick right up in the nightmare where I left off, or experience the same nightmare every single night for almost a year. I mostly dream like this:

- One night per week I'll have a fantastic, amazing, vivid dream that is weird/fun (it's never more frequently than that)

- Two or three nights per week I won't dream at all

- Three nights per week or more, sometimes up to six nights a week, I will dream about unpleasant things like going to jail for something I didn't do, having my teeth disintegrate slowly and painfully while I try to get them fixed, dying from painful and irreparable injuries, trying to run away from something but being pulled back slowly in an unbearably long, thin trail (like the spaghettification effect of a black hole)

Not sure if this matters, but about 3x per week I have to rely on Ambien to sleep at all and have suffered chronic insomnia since I was 11. The Ambien appears 100% unrelated to my dreaming patterns, as I have had happy dreams, no dreams, and nightmares all on Ambien.

Is there some kind of meditation, visualization or medication I could try to break this? I frequently feel physically and mentally exhausted and DO get sleepy, but dread sleeping knowing that I most likely will wake up terrified. I handle the nightmares fine if another person is in the house with me, for some reason.

If I could break cycle, I think I'd be able to feel rested. Has anyone else experienced this and been able to change it?

How do I deal with paranoia without addictive medication?

iabide79 — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:16:15 -0800

What are some suggestions concerning dealing with feelings of near constant paranoia? I question everyone's motives all of the time and I know that's not normal. A friend or family member can't even say anything nice to me without me over thinking it and picking it apart. I don't trust anyone anymore and it just keeps getting worse to the point where I have pretty much cut off all contact with all of my friends,even the ones I know in my head don't mean me any harm. I don't want to live like this anymore but I just don't know what to do. I am taking welbutrin and just got off of tranxene a few weeks ago. It was a miserable experience getting off of it, there is no way I want to take any more benzos. I don't think I can do therapy because I don't feel comfortable talking to a complete stranger(face to face) about my feelings. I have felt like this for a long time but it has gotten worse in the past year. I feel so alone. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading this.

I hated my job, but now that I got let go, I feel even worse.

greatalleycat — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:42:04 -0800

How to deal with unemployment + feeling like crap? Just got let go last week from crap job I hated, but now feeling more miserable than ever. I am the girl in this question that got a DUI a few weeks back and said my life is over. Due to this and me not being able to give definite answer about getting occupational privileges (in OH, where draconian laws just got worse) I was fired on Friday at 4 after busting my ass all day. They can go to hell, I was still doing my job. They were just looking for people to drop I guess, was convenient excuse for them.
How do people who were abruptly laid off/fired structure their days? I can't spend all day job-searching, how do you fill time?

My firing came after a several-months long bout of depression related to seeing everything fall apart at work. I should have dealt with it earlier, perhaps my life would not suck now.
However, I thought I would be happy to be gone from work, but I feel even worse. Before, I was just angry, now I am just miserable and have problems going to sleep because I am thinking my life is ruined forever and I am a total failure who should be really successful because I came from good family and went to good schools.

I would like to get this addressed medically since I don't know how else to feel better. I used to think job was what made me miserable, but I guess it wasn't all of it because I am just sad now instead of angry constantly like before.
I am delaying help because I don't know how to seek out a therapist (who would be best for me and not really $$) and a doc to give me meds. I'm also waiting to see if I can afford COBRA. I also have to rely on getting rides from family as I probably won't be able to get driving privileges since I don't work. I am in the Cleveland area in a place where I cannot walk or bike to work easily, especially as winter comes on.

I believe I was not let go with "just cause" so I believe I can get unemployment benefits in OH.
I know I sound like a whiny brat, but I would like to feel for one day I haven't completely ruined my life.

I'm totally screwed. What do I do?

greatalleycat — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 13:55:56 -0800

My escalating depression has caused me to hit rock bottom, mainly an arrest for DUI and will almost certainly be fired since they are using any excuse to fire anyone. What do I do now to recover mentally and get another job when I can't drive and have a record? I work at a newspaper, and the constant layoffs and the demeaning things I have had to experience has made me depressed for nearly a year. I don't just hate my job, I hate myself, my life, God, any writing and am an angry person. I should have seen the signs, but I thought everything would magically get better, everyone would love me, etc., if I got another job. That never happened, maybe I should have just quit. However, my job is the one thing I have, crappy as it is.

A couple months ago, I got transferred to a less prestigious assignment for writing something on Facebook I'm not supposed to, maybe I should have just quit.
Lately, I've been going to bars and driving home, which this week got me arrested. I guess it's my due, I've done it more times than I remember. I work v. far away from home due to shit wages. This is a small town where I work. They aren't just Nazis about being "tough on crime" they know me and it is even more humiliating. I won't get off with just a fine, if you know what I mean.

How do I recover from this? I don't want to just stay at home all day, I'll go nuts. I'm ok with money for now, I live at home and my parents haven't disowned me yet. I could get a crap job, but it's OH and I don't know if anyone will hire me.
I have to make court dates, so I can't flee the country unfortunately.

I'm not sure if therapy+meds is worth it, I can't change what happened, even though you guys think that's the greatest.

God, will I ever stop wanna feeling like crawling in a ball and escaping?

I don't want to spiral downward

hollygoheavy — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 09:12:10 -0800

Please tell me about your experience with mood stabilizers such as Lamictal and Depakote. I've been diagnosed as Bipolar II after over 20 years of being diagnosed with major depressive disorder with anxiety. I work with a wonderful therapist who "changed" my diagnosis after nearly a year of therapy, so it wasn't a snap decision. I also have ADHD which I take Adderal for and have been prescribed Valium prn for anxiety. My therapist and I work on CBT principles and those help quite a bit, but I can tell I'm started to cycle downward. I tried Abilify but had that crappy side effect where my body felt like it was shaking all the time and my brain felt like it was bouncing back and forth inside my skull-so that one is out.

My therapist today suggested I consider one of the "old school" mood stabilizers and mentioned Lamictal or Depakote. She explained that they are anti-seizure medications and that I would probably need a low dose but she's very concerned that I am not on any sort of medication for the cycling. After having crappy side effects from SSRI's for years, I'm reluctant to try another medication. Sexual side effects are a deal breaker for me as well as feeling like my brain is moving around inside my head.

My questions:

1-what side effects have you experienced with mood stabilizers?

2-do you think it's possible to manage your bipolar II with CBT, mood journals, therapy and the like?

help it all go away

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 07:51:18 -0800

Bad memories are interrupting my life. What do I do and how do I cope with it? I had a great upbringing in lots of ways and my mum remains a great lady, but my feeling about family is coloured by the way my dad behaved - from age 9 to when I left home, I was subject to his enormous mood swings and temper - when my mother was out at work, he would often find a small misdemeanour to get angry about, then spend hours shouting at me until I was hysterical, then shout at me again for 'snivelling', calling me names (stupid, boring, moronic, that my untidy room caused his heart attack), and hitting me over the head, sometimes with implements such as a book or a teatray. On one occasion he didn't believe me when I said I had not taken his batteries, and kicked a hole in the bathroom door while a schoolfriend of mine who was staying over was on the other side. (Perhaps co-incidentally, I've suffered from migraine since I was nine, and my brother has recently seen the hospital after severe headaches and they found something in his brain which requires medication.) Outside of this, he was overbearing, wouldn't allow me to speak up or disagree with him (at twenty, saying 'calm down' led to him getting so angry he spat in my face and told me that if I spoke to him like that again I'd never be allowed to cross the doorstep ever again) didn't take an interest in my life or congratulate me if something went well, would ignore visiting friends
and boyfriends in favour of the TV but say things like 'when you go out looking scruffy people I know might see you and it will embarrass me' and would be incredibly rude and dismissive about anything he didn't agree with, down to the smallest choices. In my early twenties I undertook therapy on this as I was waking up with flashbacks and wanted to leave it behind. When he died, my family forgot how much of an arsehole he could be (my mother and he did not speak for six months because she shouted at him during an argument, and he would throw his rubbish in bags out of the upstairs window rather than walk through the livingroom, where she was, to the bin) and thought that I was less upset about his death because I was pretending it wasn't happening - I'd rather not change that. What did upset me was the effect it had and has on my mum.

Anyway, last time I had the flashback thoughts was just before a nervous breakdown, and for the past couple of months it's been happening again. It feels like I'm back in that situation again and equally powerless - like someone's yelling at me and telling me that all the negative thoughts I have are true, and I can't answer back. I'm terrified something is about to break again, and I don't know how to deal with it - I found therapy the first time very difficult, there's almost a taboo on discussing less than perfect family relationships (for years nobody knew why I would get in a bad mood before father's day) and I find this extremely difficult to talk about. I had an argument with my boyfriend at the weekend and one of the things he said unwittingly reminded me of it all, and I couldn't stop crying - as I find it difficult enough to talk about this, I couldn't explain to someone who was angry with me, and he just thought I was putting it on. I finished a relationship once before - albeit one that had been going wrong for some time - because the way he was acting (breaking my things, shouting at me in an incredibly nasty way, getting physical, not giving a shit if I was upset) reminded me too much of the situation in my teenage years and I felt pretty angry with myself for putting myself in one like that again. Now it seems like it's wrecked another relationship and it's not generally doing me any good, either.

I feel like I've spent years not able to tell people why I get upset, and I feel like I don't want to go through it anymore - being someone with 'triggers' or 'daddy issues'. hearing that critical voice constantly in my head and not being able to take the present at face value, going through another breakdown and losing aspects of my life that I've worked hard to keep in place.But I don't think I can go through life with this happening every few months or couple of years. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

How do I find off-the-books therapy?

Anonymous — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 09:29:06 -0800

A while ago, I asked about the implications of accessing mental health care and possibly having a diagnosis tied to me. From the answers, I've concluded that in my specific situation, any help I need will have to be "off the record." Because that's my decision, this has made it hard to obtain care. How do I go about finding it anyway? I'm located in the United States, and have the usual litany of Ask Metafilter issues: self-esteem, challenges with interpersonal relationships, maybe a dash of depression and anxiety. I don't believe I have any "major" issues (bipolar, schizophrenia, sexual or substance abuse, violence, etc.) I'm primarily looking for talk (rather than pharmaceutical) therapy, although it's plausible that what I really need is something like a life coach.

I actually have (good, even) group health insurance, but the disincentives from the previous question are so great that I'd really not rather make use of it. In a word, I'd rather go untreated than have a record of any of this.

Can I pay for therapy and counseling in cash, on some sort of sliding scale, as if I were uninsured? Use an assumed name? How do I make this as untraceable as possible, while still getting effective care?

I'm open to suggestions for informal counseling as well, although since I am a staunch atheist, religious figures and support groups associated with a religion aren't something I would consider.

How to become more confident in my life?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:49:09 -0800

I've lacked confidence in every aspect of my life, and it's holding me back. What can I do? Since I was a young boy, I've felt like I wasn't good enough to be successful. I never felt like I was as athletic or smart as others. In college and grad school, this sense of being a fraud and not smart or talented enough carried over.

This feeling has pervaded my entire life. I didn't apply for internships and scholarships in college. I didn't apply for jobs or scholarships in grad school. In these instances, I felt like there was no point in applying because I wouldn't get them. There would also be times when I would be paralyzed by fear of applying and being rejected, and would go sleep or watch TV.

Now, I'm in a dead end job, and am too unconfident to try and get another job. I look at jobs and my mind instantly goes to reasons why I won't be qualified for the job. Other times, I'm very fearful of being rejected. This is severely hampering my ability to advance my career.

This lack of confidence has also extended into my romantic life. I never approach women because I assume they'll say no because I'm too fat or ugly. As a result, I didn't have my first girlfriend until 25, and have only had 2 serious relationships in my 30 years. My lack of confidence has me worried that I will never find anyone or die alone.

I've been in therapy for a couple of years, and have been tangentially discussing these issues. I just recently realized through talking with my therapist that this lack of confidence is why I never take risks and why I've been held back in my life.

Are there any methods that any of you have used to get over this sort of problem? Are there any books or sites I can consult when I can't see my therapist or that will give me additional insight?

Thanks for any help. If you need to follow up, I've set up a throwaway e-mail at unconfidentman@gmail.com

Help me to help my ill brother

Avenger — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:35:26 -0800

My introverted 19 year old little brother just confessed to me that he "hears voices" (telling him to hurt and kill people) and that he "sees things that aren't there". Help me find some resources to help him. You can read more about my brother here. This all started with an argument we were having about alcohol. He's been drinking heavily lately and we got in a fight over it. He ended up telling me that he "feels good when he drinks" because it helps to silence the voices and keeps him from feeling uncontrollable rage at the rest of humanity. This is totally new to me. I've never even heard a hint of this from him before. He says it's new to him too, only showing up in the past year or so.

So, he needs help. The problem is that he's 19 years old, works odd jobs for 10 hours a week (making around $8 an hour), has no health insurance and otherwise has no resources. I'm looking around for local psychiatrists but it's obvious that without health insurance our family will be unable to afford more than a single doctor visit or two.

I live in Harris county, Texas. There is a Harris County Mental Health office but they seem to only serve people who have already been diagnosed with schizophrenia or major depression. Barring them, it seems that (ironically) his only other option to get affordable care is to commit a crime and get to see the jail psychiatrist.

Does anyone have an inkling of where I can even start with this? Help!

PS- we can't buy private health insurance for him because he has a major pre-existing condition (harrington-rod spinal fusion). Thx insurance co's!

I'm not an attention seeker, I'm depressed

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 18:48:20 -0800

Should I reveal my depression to my co-workers? I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and began taking meds and getting therapy a couple of years ago.

Throughout my life, I've always put on a happy face to hide my true self. This was partly due to a bad family situation and the shame I felt because of it. As a result, I'm outwardly gregarious, while I feel low down inside. There are times when I fall into a deep funk and withdraw into myself.

I see my psychiatrist twice a month, and haven't told my co-workers why I take an afternoon off every couple of weeks. I keep getting asked why I take time off, but always deflect these questions by saying its a private matter.

Last week, I was in one of my funks and was keeping to myself, which runs counter to my usual habit of going around and talking to everyone. Today, my boss was joking around and said that she and my other co-workers found my moping last week to be very unpleasant and that they thought I was faking to get attention.

I feel bad now because people don't know my internal struggle. I laughed off what my boss said, but it hurt. For so long, I thought my condition was something for weak or damaged people. My boss bringing up the possibility of my faking mopiness brought up some bad feelings.

So, I'm wondering whether I should reveal that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and my struggles with depression. I don't want people to think I'm just trying to get attention when I'm really in a funk. I'm really confused as to what to do.

Any help is much appreciated.

Harassed by my schizphrenic neighbor

ztdavis — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:50:52 -0800

My downstairs neighbor, who is most likely schizophrenic, has been harassing my wife and me. Our landlord seems unenthusiastic about evicting her, and we are unenthusiastic about moving ourselves. What legal options can I pursue? Does anyone in Chicago have personal experience with a (cheap!) lawyer they might recommend? As far as I can tell there are two options:
1. Get her evicted somehow.
2. Force her to get on her medication.

Any insight on pursuing either option (or other options!) is greatly appreciated. Living peacefully with her below us is the ideal, but I'm not sure that is any longer an option.

Do you need a lawyer to get a restraining order? Can you get a restraining order against a neighbor in Illinois?

Here's the summary of our interactions with her:

August 2008: We move into this apartment

October 2008: She confronts me in our stairwell and accuses me of attacking her, causing hairs to grow places on her body, and black specks to show up and flake off of her. She tells me she wants to "live in peace" and that we need to move out.
We tell the landlord that she has confronted us and are told she is "mostly harmless.

March 2009: On a few occasions we hear intense screaming through the floor at night. We assume she is fighting with her boyfriend, but after deliberately listening through the floor we here yelling things like "you are trash", "move out", "this has been happening since August; why are you doing this to me?", "if you don't move out I will kill you", "I will have you killed", "you are the lowest of the low".
We call the police, who tell her if she does not stop yelling and they have to come back that night that they will take her to a hospital. She stays quiet through the night, but yells at us the next day through the door. Our landlord says they will contact her ex-husband to see if he can help her get back on medication.

Three nights ago: Starting around 11:00 at night, she comes up to our door and yells at us to stop attacking her, etc. We called the police, who came up to our apartment to discuss what was going on. While they were there, she came up and again yelled at us. They confronted her, on our doorstep, and told her to get back on her medication. She told them that we need to stop using our ray gun to attack her through the floor. They told us there was nothing they could do because "[their] hands were tied". We contact our landlord again, who says he will send her a "ten day notice", saying that she needs to correct her behaviour or there will be consequences, perhaps even eviction. The landlord asks us if we want to move to another unit "whenever one becomes available."

Two nights ago: She leaves a note by the apartment mailboxes saying that we have "beared [sic] false witness against a neighbor" by lying to the police and that "there are penalties for your actions". We notify our landlord that things aren't getting better and email them a scanned copy.

Last night: Sometime between 10:30 and 11:30 PM she came up and taped another note to our door. Same tone as before. We send our landlord a copy of this note as well and are told that they are "drafting a letter right now" to send to her about the ten days notice.

I am trying to be straightforward in my descriptions here, but my wife and I are creeped the fuck out (especially after the death threats in March) and hate going to and from our apartment because we have to walk past her door and never know when we might run into her. This is three nights in a row that she has done something, and we are afraid that things are going to get worse, and not better.

The landlord doesn't seem to want to evict her and would rather move us into another unit in the building, which I personally don't see helping the situation; she'll still be able to walk up to our front door. Evicting her might make her even more aggressive, but even knowing where we live it would be far more difficult for her to get to our doorstep and confront us in our building. The police seems to be in a "well, she's not acting violent so we can't take her in to a hospital" situation, although medication seems to be the best (although perhaps temporary) fix, as no one has to move.

Thanks for any help.

Help my brain...in Japan!

Griffinlb — Tue, 26 May 2009 08:32:53 -0800

Looking for some advice on how to cope with long-standing psychological issues - except...I'm studying in Tokyo for the next month, which adds some unique twists. I'm studying Japanese here in Tokyo for the next month, and I'm feeling relatively isolated - by the language, by the living arrangements, but mostly by myself. While I expected to have a fresh outlook, and leave my old mindset back in the states, all of the issues I've been dealing with for the past few years followed me here with a vengeance.

I realize I need a therapist, and I had one in the past, but the prospects of seeing one here in Tokyo are both complicated and probably expensive...and I'm only here until the end of June.

So, now for some background info:

I'll try to be as concise as I can, but it's very hard to break down logically. I'm sorry if this gets obtuse - or if I leave out anything pertinent.

I'm 18. I grew up with a (mildly) bipolar father & both my parents were relatively young. I've always (since a very young age) had issues with anxiety - since I was 7 or 8 I have never had any lasting period of contentedness. A few years ago, however, things took a turn for the worse.

During the summer a few years back I had a traumatic breakup with my girlfriend - I made a lot of reprehensible decisions and dealt with shame, guilt and self-hate for the subsequent year. Without getting too detailed, I had a period of total confusion following the breakup, (I was reading crime & punishment which didn't help), and I came out of it feeling like my brain had been dipped in battery acid.

I suffer from low to...less-low anxiety constantly, but generally it feels a little bit more like depression. My anxious tendencies have a lot to do with control - over my life, my environment, my self. More importantly though, I have deep issues with self worth - and beneath the surface I feel constantly evaluated/judged in everything I do. I also have come to realize I have difficulty connecting with other people in a healthy way.

So.

Now I'm in Japan. In the past, all of these issues seemed to subside when my circumstances changed. Sadly, they've shown no signs of going away. I guess these things truly do come from within...shucks.

I'm attending a language school where there are mostly Korean and Chinese students. I feel like I do not know enough Japanese to strike up meaningful friendships with my non-english-speaking peers, and it's even harder to communicate with native-Japanese-speakers. On the other hand I feel like I do not connect with my US peers, and I find the few friendships I have un-fulfilling. I would like to be happy without needing a peer group I connect with, but I've come to realize I rely heavily on the approval of others - and even when I receive it, my own negativity renders it meaningless.

In combination with the feelings of isolation, I feel demotivated, often depressed, and lackadaisical. I know a fair amount of Japanese grammar, so I have little motivation to study for my class. I've tried my best to practice independently using some nifty websites I found, but lately I haven't been keeping up with that - I'm dying to improve my Japanese, but I'm not confident that studying from a textbook is the best way to do it. I also feel constantly anxious that I am not taking advantage of my time here in a place that has inspired me since childhood. I have been sketching every day, which feels like the only thing that has kept me going.

Here are some technical factors: 1 - I have a limited budget from my parents (and I feel often guilty about 'wasting' their money). 2 - I have class from 1- 5 with a 45min-1hr train ride there and back, which breaks up the day inconveniently. 3 - Because my dorm is so far away, (and allows male guests only, and only until 9pm), it is hard to find any activities that do not require copious amounts of money. 4) I often feel compelled to take advantage of the meal plan and go home for dinner, which leaves me trapped in a (very) boring town.

Right now things are a little better, but as always my feelings are day to day with me. The past two nights I've stayed up late drinking alone and drawing, which feels liberating, but probably isn't such a good thing. Today I slept until 3, and didn't go to class for the first time.

Well, this is certainly obtuse. I'm sure that's more than enough information...

I'm just looking on some advice on how to turn things around, feel more confident and alive here in Japan. I would love to be jazzed about being here, and motivated to do things every day - without feeling like I need people that I connect to. (For me, 'people that I connect to' is code for 'girls that I adore' - in case that helps at all)

Any advice that goes above and beyond my stay in Japan is more than welcome.

I'm sorry that this turned out so long and complicated. It probably didn't need to be.

Thank you Hive Mind, for taking the time. I really appreciate any advice, comments etc.

cigarettes:gum::internet:???

fermion — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 10:20:54 -0800

What can I do for a mental break besides surf the Internet? I'm a graduate student. Writing papers, researching, working problem sets and other grad-student-ly activities can be a bit fatiguing to the brain, requiring the occasional mental break to refresh the mind and re-set thought patterns that may have got into a rut.

Since I do most of my work on the computer, the natural thing to do when I want to take a break is to surf the Web. But inevitably, one link leads to another and I look up from my "five-minute break" to discover that half an hour has passed. Programs like LeechBlock have helped a little, but for me Web sites are like potato chips: I can't visit just one. Once I've begun it's difficult to stop.

So I need something to use as a mental break that, unlike Web surfing, is self-limiting. Something that I can do for five minutes that won't create such irresistible temptation to keep doing it, that will leave my brain refreshed and focused. Please help me replace this bad habit with a better one!

Why do I obsess about this?

supercoollady — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 08:24:23 -0800

Obsessiveness Filter: I fixate on and plan obsessively about moving to new (specific) places, and I'd like to know why. Here's the situation: I have mild depression with anxiety and take medication for it which helps a lot. However, periodically I do something that I find odd and that I can't find specific references to in information about OCD, depression or anxiety. I pick a place that I might vaguely like to move to, and become obsessed with planning every detail about it. More about me: I live in a NYC and have a good life here--good job, good husband, good dog, good apartment. We're planning on moving out of here at some point but we don't have a definite plan for where or when.

Every now and then, I come across some scenario in which it seems like life might be better/easier/more relaxed and (this is a big one for some reason) where we might own a house. This seems reasonable--but rather than thinking about it in a rational way I usually become completely obsessed with it (to the point where I can't sleep at night), assume it's DEFINITELY going to happen, and not brook any criticism of the idea. These are big, life-changing moves, not moves to another part of the city or the suburbs (although I do that too to some degree...as in the case of our near-move to the Bronx).

So here's my question: I'm sure this is a manifestation of some disorder I'm carrying around in my teeming brain...but what? And why do I choose places to live to obsess about? Finally, DOES ANYONE ELSE DO THIS? I hope I'm not the only one in the world...

ELIZA and the efficacy of "professional" therapists versus the rest of us

XMLicious — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:48:35 -0800

Meta-Meta-RelationshipFilter: Have there been any scientific trials to study the efficacy of talk therapy that involved a placebo as control? I'm thinking, is there any definitive proof that a professional talk therapist is substantially more effective than just talking about shit with a friend who doesn't charge a fee (which, granted, RelationshipFilter isn't necessarily like), or even substantially more effective than simply sitting someone down, telling them "we're going to have conversations that will explore and fix your psychological problems" but then having a discussion about any old thing that will run the clock out?

My own experience with years of visiting a variety of talk therapists would appear to indicate that at least with the average therapist I've seen the answer would be "No, there is no substantial difference" but I'm curious to see what if anything science has said. I'm definitely not saying that RelationshipFilter is any replacement for hours of ongoing, focused personal discussion, I'm just curious as to whether "professionalism" in this area, even of practitioners who are licensed or certified, has any demonstrated and quantifiable value.

If you come to work with the 'flu, why can't I come to work with the weepies?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 08:13:45 -0800

I disclosed depression at work. Most of the things people tend to do in response to a depressed colleague are things which actually make me sicker. What to do? I've lived with depression for years. Mostly I manage it quite well and I've never disclosed it at work. Today, my boss caught me crying and asked me straight up what was wrong. I told her. She was cool, and understanding, and has promised to keep my disclosure confidential. But she told me to go home and wants to talk with me later about workload.

How do I work in an environment where the person managing my workload knows that I'm impaired? It's a stressful industry. Everybody has bad days and the work still has to be done. I don't want to be the emotional gimp of the office and I don't want special treatment. It's embarrassing to be allowed not pull my weight and I'm afraid that any reduced output will reflect poorly on me in the future.

I'm young, ambitious and working on a short contract in a very high-pressure industry. I know my workplace probably is full of crazy people of various descriptions, but there's a lingering attitude that if you can't handle the heat, you should get out of the [metaphorical] kitchen. I'm already concerned that disclosing my condition, whether directly or by being seen to have a meltdown at work, will mark me out as being ill-suited to this job. How can I convince my employer that I can handle a stressful job despite having a stress-sensitive illness?

I would very much like to hear from successful people in stressful jobs who have managed depression at work without becoming the Fragile Employee of their department. I just need to know that it's possible.

Advice for this girl on leaving the nest (again)?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 11:48:16 -0800

Help me move out of my family's house. I'm 26 and currently living with my family but I would like to move out. This wouldn't be a problem except three years ago I had a very bad breakdown (I was diagnosed bipolar; it's medicated and I'm talking to someone). Before that I had been relatively independent; I was getting my degree and did not really need them for anything. However, after the breakdown I was forced to move back in with them. Even though I technically did (my belongings were moved back), I spent the next year or so trying to avoid them as much as possible by basically living with my boyfriend (my family and I don’t know how to get along). After an attempt at moving in together that failed miserably, I found myself at my family’s again.

Currently: I am back in school (full financial aid) but my financial situation is bad (I don't have a job). I don’t have any friends I can crash with until I find a job; they’re all living with families or boyfriends. My family wants me to move out too. Even though we live together, interaction between us careens ridiculously between “of course you can stay, we’re your family” and “get ouuuuuttttt!” I’m seriously considering living in my car…

Normally, pre-breakdown, I would have been confident and independent enough to move out, get a job, and figure things out on my own. But post-breakdown and since all attempts at moving out seem to have failed miserably, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to do it and I don’t know what to do next.

Can anyone give me some concrete, practical encouragement or advice or share your experiences about how you finally got a job/moved out, especially if it took you a while? I am fully willing to…and have been for a long time! But I don’t know why I can’t get my act together and these repeated failures are really discouraging me -- especially since I'm 26 and I should've figured out how to live on my own already.

TIA.

How do I get my body to calm down?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 12:12:55 -0800

How do I begin to deal with what appears to be generalized anxiety disorder? I am wondering about experiences with anxiety medication... Help me fix my whacked out body! In the last year, my stress has gone from just being stress to anxiety of varying magnitudes. I'm looking to deal with this, and I'm beginning to wonder if medication is the way I need to go. I need some advice from those who've taken medication for anxiety or know those who have.

This probably deserves a little back story. I'm youngish (roundabout college age), and my teenage years were spent in turmoil because of my family. It may be worth mentioning that one of my parents is severely mentally ill (read: craaazy). While logically I've dealt with a lot of what it meant to be a child amid that--and yes, been to therapy--I went from that stress, to the stress of college and living on my own, to the positive but nonetheless stressful event of meeting and marrying a wonderful guy.

I kind of feel like I haven't had emotional rest in a long time, if really ever. This has all added up to the point that I can't rest now that most things are going well and right. (And yes, I try to meditate, but to little to no avail.) It's very frustrating, indeed.

In the last six months to year, I have had issues with sleeping (going to sleep, but no problems once I'm asleep), having my mild skin disorder rev up a bit (it's stress-related), and have begun to exhibit physical signs of an anxiety disorder.

That's probably what is most annoying. My head is mostly clear and logical. I do not have many irrational thoughts, and those I do have I can usually talk myself though, like most people. It's just my body gets keyed up over everything now, it seems. I am in my final year, and on my way to classes, I begin to get jittery, for instance, and my stomach turns to knots. Sometimes in class, I feel myself shaking a little and sweatier than usual. On other occasions, I have been walking down the road, fine and dandy, and then suddenly I get all this muscle tension and this "heavy" emotional feeling. Out of nowhere. There is absolutely no reason for this. I am not mentally nervous about going to the classes, meeting people, etc. My body just behaves this way, as far as I can tell.

Clearly, though, it is anxiety, just because of the way it makes me feel; it's like stress 2.0. About the only time I'm not getting all keyed up is when I'm with friends or my partner. At least that's good! My body seems to go nuts when I'm out on my own, so maybe I've got strange emotional issues surrounding that, but I really don't know what they'd be. I'm pretty ballsy and confident, even despite my body's funniness, so the reactionary anxiety symptoms are really bizarre.

Given this, should I take medication (or possibly Kava?) to get me over the hump? I get the impression that my body just needs to be trained to relax a bit, to sit down and STFU, if you will, and then it'll be able to do that. I would go back to CBT, but I don't really know what I'd talk about week in, week out, and I don't have that money or time to blow, anyway.

I know you are not my doctor, but I ask here, because I feel doctors and psychiatrists are pretty shit at honestly and realistically expressing the side effects--both positive and negative--of taking certain meds. I'd also like to know which meds you or your loved ones have had good/bad experiences with, so I will have something to go in with if/when I do see my doctor. Also, see my GP or look for a psychiatrist? My insurance is crap, so I will pay either way probably.

A throw-away account: fixmeplzkthx@gmail.com.

"I never would have gotten through it without the support of friends and family." Wait, what friends and family?

Anonymous — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:47:00 -0800

How can I trust people again? (Lengthy, can also be characterized as "whiny".) It's like there's this horrible clear shell around me. I see other people, I desperately want to connect with them again, I desperately want to feel a sense of connection to the world-at-large, I cannot do it. I can't believe in something bigger, I can't believe in something better than all of this no matter how hard I try...

It is three years ago and I am working with an organization that has started taking a serious toll on my mental health...I eventually quit, but it is a little too late for me not to remain affected.

I have expended huge amounts of passion and energy into my job and my life, but the people I have tried so hard to work for and the friends I have tried so hard to be there for totally are not there for me back. At this point I feel totally used. I basically feel like I've been parasitically drained and that anyone will take advantage of you given half a chance.

I try to turn to anyone and everyone I can because I think I have a support system but all of a sudden, it's as if no one gives a shit. And by no one, I mean no one. I try to reach out to family, to friends, to colleagues, to mentors, even to supervisors, to anyone in my damn community...

Basically, everyone, any group of people you can name that I think I can count on leaves me hanging. Their basic response is: "Yeah yeah whatever we've all got problems."

I have never felt myself to be defined by the people around me, but this lack of support leaves me utterly shocked. Basically I feel like the world has dropped away from under my feet at this point. Like the entire world has abandoned/left me. I mean shit, if even the people WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU, what kind of shitbag must you be? (And who are you anymore if your friends and family won't acknowledge you?)

I start going crazy, because I feel like I have all this stuff going on inside my head, and if no one's helping me out with it, I must be imagining it because GODDAMNIT SUCK IT UP ALREADY.

Sucking it up is not doable. I try to hurt myself. I am dragged to a mental hospital. It has been up and down since.

Like I said, it's been three years by now. I learned to deal with some glaring issues (all that stuff in bold, for example, is the stuff that keeps circling around in my head, and I'm sure you can armchair some stuff of your own). I learned how to talk to a counselor (I trust her, yes). I learned how to take medication (Wellbutrin and Seroquel and yes, I'm fine with it -- for now). I have ended a horrible codependent 2 1/2 year relationship with someone, the kind I never would've imagined myself getting into back when I was healthier. I have gone back to school. Even though it sounds unlikely, I'm actually in a much better spot than I was those years back. I should be getting out of this right?

I have not tried to talk to anyone in my classes. I have made no friends this semester. I barely look anyone in the eye.

I don't like to be like this. It is not me. I used to be an activist for chrissake. I am shit-scared of everyone, I HATE being scared, I feel like a bitter, shrivelled-up old lady (I am 26/f), I think every human relationship I have is going to fail, I think everyone is going to leave me hanging again, I feel everyone is just going to betray me, I have walked away from anyone who has tried to befriend me ever since then, I have walked away from everybody I used to know, I just cannot bring myself to be close to people, I find any kind of reason to cut them off and out of my life, I purposely try to alienate people as hard as I can to get them out of my life and have gotten horribly good at it, I can't bring myself to trust the people who now say they're there for me, I don't answer the phone, I don't even go out anymore, I have become ridiculously paranoid and dread any kind of human interaction that's more than cursory...I hate myself because I feel shitty and low for feeling rejected, I hate everyone else with a furious passion because I feel rejected.

I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to believe people are bad...but I can't stop myself. Help. Why can't I break out of this shell?

*For the past couple of days I've been meditating on the "outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality/you hate others because you hate yourself" thing. Maybe this is true. I don't know. If it is, how can I forgive myself? What am I supposed to forgive myself of?

**If you even made it this far, seriously, thanks.

My parents drive me crazy.

divabat — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 01:32:04 -0800

How do I deal with my parents on limited resources without sending all of us into a fit? (likely to be TL;DR) My parents and I have a very strange relationship. Over the years it has gone from really bad, to quite good, to distant, to just weird. My mother, in particular, has a lot of issues that come into conflict between us.

She's the eldest of two, from a South Asian country, but was brought up by her grandparents as her school was nearby. Her parents died when I was very young; she migrated with my dad to Malaysia when my sister was a little kid (I was born & bred in Malaysia some 11 years later). Her sister is currently in the US with her family, and she's got extended family elsewhere.

She's always talked about how lonely she feels, how she feels that her family keep walking away from her. Unfortunately for her, her immediate family (us) are also the type to fly away. My sis is in the UK, I'm in Australia, and my dad's work takes him travelling often. We're far away not because we deliberately want to avoid her, but because we're all nomads and have found better livelihoods overseas. Still, she often tearfully accuses us of "abandoning" her, of "not wanting a mother anymore".

My dad isn't so great with emotional support. He's a typical dad - logical, stoic, sometimes formal. I'm the apple of his eye (Mum used to go on and on about how as soon as I was born Dad forgot about Mum and my sis and just focused on me) but it can be hard to get Dad to see why I do the things I do. He's very stubborn and has a certain view of what the world should be. Whenever any of us expresses a problem or vent, he either announces that he'll fix it all, brush it off with "don't worry be happy", or thinks we complain too much. The last bit sets Mum off SO MUCH to the point of fights - "Why don't you want to listen to me?! You're always away! You don't value me!!" I've often asked Dad to look after Mum a bit more but all Dad says is "she misses you two. Come back and she'll be better."

My sister and I, despite our age difference and she being far away for most of my life, are very very close. We've both turned out to be iconoclastic eccentric rebels (of a fashion) and we both understand and respect each other's life choices. My parents often try to ask one of us to lecture the other one on their choices "can you tell T not to travel so much? Can you tell M to call us more often?" but often we don't agree with the parents, we think the other's doing OK! Yet when we say this they launch into this tirade of us not caring about each other. My sister gets the worst of it - she's been yelled at so many times for supposedly not supporting me in my depression, for not paying for my education (there was a deal that she'd pay for my uni studies if she got her Ph.D. paid for; she never got enough money to do that but I wasn't too bothered either way), for not caring about me. Even though she's the only person in the family that respects me in the first place!!

My sister sometimes feels bad for me because she went through all the disappoint-the-parents stages first: changing her career from science to illustration, living together with her British fiancé before marriage, going off to weird arts festivals. This has put extra pressure on me to be the "good girl" - which, by my parents' standards, I absolutely "fail" at. They've just had a big upset over my sister declaring herself atheist (after her fiancé refused to perform the Muslim conversion ceremony at the upcoming wedding) - they will freak out if they discover my Pagan leanings!

I've just graduated university in Australia, and have just received a great opportunity that would involve staying here for at least another year. I like it here; I get to be myself without feeling like I'd be punished for being deviant. Due to high costs and restrictions on jobs, my education and life so far has been mostly subsidised by my parents. Getting the visa that lets me stay here longer, find a self-sustainable job, and develop myself to do the things I like costs more than what I have in my bank account at the moment, so I've had to rely on them again for money.

There was some back-and-forthing (which I thought was weird since my parents were pretty keen on me getting Aussie PR and were pushing for it at one stage) but they're now supporting me financially. Hopefully when I finally have this visa I'll have financial freedom and stop leeching off my parents. It doesn't give me emotional freedom though - my parents (my mother, especially) call up wondering where I am, why I don't call back (when I *do* call they think I've gotten into an accident, even though I just want to say Hi), etc etc etc.

My mum has been especially emotional lately. She told me she was "extremely sick"; I asked Dad about it and he said she was working herself into a tizzy because she thought we were fighting over visas (we have disagreements, which are tiring, but nothing to get sick over). It was only after I wrote back with lots of emails saying I'll be fine, I'll look after myself, I'll be responsible, I understand your troubles and know you want me safe etc etc, that she calmed down a bit.

Then today on Facebook, despite all my best attempts at privacy management, she found some photos of me at a Pagan ritual. "OMG SHE'S JOINED A CULT AND PRAYING TO STUPID GODS!!" I had to dodge my dad's questions and build a cover story of us "play-acting", just so they can maintain the illusion of a good little Muslim daughter. (I defriended my mum after another freakout over a blog post - one that she claimed will "send her into hospital with a heart attack". Backfired. She got EXTREMELY upset and claimed that I wanted her out of my life.)

My sister and I have both felt like cutting them out of our lives. But not only is it not possible, it's not very desirable either. When Mum gets a hobby, like interior designing a house or something, she becomes SO MUCH better. She leaves me alone for once! She becomes awesome. Yet now she's afraid of being alone and lonely, desperately wants us back into a country that won't welcome us, doesn't know what to do. And we both know that cutting them off is equal to murder - it's their worst fear ever.

I'm stressed out and tired of having to build my life around my parents. I don't want to feel like I have to hide things from them, but I've already seen the consequences of that. I want to be completely independent of them, but until I get a job I'll still have to depend on them to some extent. They'll always think I'm their "baby" and probably never will think of me as an adult. They absolutely hate the term "It's MY life"; when my sister told them that some years ago they went ballistic.

What do I do? How do I cope mentally and emotionally with this? Am I selfish for wanting to lead my own life even though it clashes with my parents' values? How can I talk to them without every conversation ending in tears (and me being worried about Mum's sanity) or shouting or anger? How can I be true and honest around them if my truth scares them so much?

I say he's crazy; therefore, he must go through an evaluation.

metalheart — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 09:37:51 -0800

Australian (and U.S.) Mental Health/Legal Filter. Can you just go and talk your GP into having someone put through a psychiatric evaluation? One of my close friends is studying medicine here in Melbourne, Australia, and in one of his various internships, a psychiatrist told him that anyone can recommend someone get a psychiatric evaluation, through their GP. In other words, if you wanted to, you could go through the process against another person, like so:

Go to your local GP. Talk to him about the person you consider to be mentally ill, and, if the GP agrees with you that this sounds like a mental illness that could cause harm to that person or those around him, that person must, by law, go through a psychiatric evaluation.

Psychiatrist telling him this or not, I call bullshit on it--at least some of it. It seems like, surely, there must be some evidence (other than words/hearsay) that a random individual has to provide for a GP to sign this off. Moreover, it would seem the GP would actually have to see said mentally ill individual, not just hear what some other person has to say about him.

If not, I can very easily imagine people doing this just to disturb someone they don't like/broke up with/fired, etc. It seems too easy: pick a mental illness, go speak with a GP, get him to agree with you, and in no time at all, the person you're saying is mentally ill has to go in for an evaluation. Talk about stressing someone out, if you're lying!

Is this true? If so, under what law? I've not been able to find it through searching. I'm looking for laws and policies, if possible, though anecdotal evidence is okay, too.

Extra Question: I know a bit about involuntary commitment and the like under U.S. law, and I know that a doctor himself can recommend involuntary commitment for one of his own patients that he deems a danger to himself or others, but is there anything similar to the above?

If these laws do exist in either or both countries, what provisions are there to protect individuals from being evaluated wrongfully? I.e., suing doctors and the like.