Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with meetingpeople

Volunteering: I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:52:11 -0800

I've been cooped up and dealing with excessive work and depression for a while. I'm on the mend, and doing better than I've been in a while, and I'm looking for ways to meet more people. I hear all kinds of great things about volunteering, and while it appeals to me, I haven't had very good luck with it. (More inside.) I've never been good at meeting people, but over the past five or eight years, I've come to appreciate that I'm much more of a people person than I've given myself credit for. Still, I need to put forth some serious effort to get myself off my butt and go out and do things--my guess is that it's down to books being the only reliable friends I had growing up, so I never got the habit of going out and seeking out human interaction.

Anyway, my question is narrower: I've tried volunteering in the past as a way of meeting people, but it's been most effective as a way of meeting people who are a) much older than I am, b) intellectually plain in a "I love Oprah, NASCAR, country music, voting Republican, and not thinking" way that puts me right off, c) somehow attached, or d) some combination of the above. Other times, I get stuck with a solitary task or something that doesn't let me interact with people, and that completely defeats the purpose of me going to volunteer in the first place. (Yes, I understand computers. No, I will not work on your organization's website. My website sucks. Do you want your website to suck?)

Ideally, I'd care enough about something that needed volunteers that I could enjoy helping for the sake of helping, but I'm not that good. I must be absolutely clear: I'm not doing this for any noble reason or charitable impulse. I am doing this to audition prospective girlfriends, preferably cute alternative types who can tolerate dating a 9-5er. I give to charity, regard myself as a compassionate person, and love helping others, but I'm afraid this is about me.

Anyway, my question: can you recommend somewhere in the Bay Area that would fit my bill? Or if you think I'm completely barking up the wrong tree, can you suggest somewhere else to look?

Demographics: 29, male, straight, lawyer, lives in San Francisco.

Throwaway email: imnotthatgood@gmail.com.

Bachelors & bachelorettes in the woods

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:13:39 -0800

What are some suggestions for coordinating a "dating game" or fun "speed dating" activity at an outdoor camping event this weekend? The general intent of the activity is to laugh, get people more familiar and comfortable with each other (platonically or romantically), and maybe even make some matches. Attendees will be grown women and men of assorted social persuasions. Asking anonymously since some of the attendees may be reading this and I'd like it to be a bit of a surprise. I have about 2 hours of time to fill. I expect there will be maybe 20-25 people there at the most, some single, some married & open, some straight, some gay, some looking for lovers, and some just looking for giggles. They'll be a range of ages from 20-60s, all with a spiritual connection to nature, many of them fairly intellectual, and most with a good sense of fun and humor. I have vague ideas that I'd like to get people to meet-&-great amongst each other, pairing off, switching partners, and making the rounds among each other so that by the end of it, everyone will have been able to spend some time with most of the other participants, and maybe even chose one to pursue further. But I can't really come up with a solid plan. (And I don't watch TV so I don't have much of a reference for how the TV classic Dating Game or modern equivalents would go.) It'll be outside in the evening (dark) and we could be located either around a campfire or at a row of picnic tables under a shelter (with lights if needed). I would be emceeing the event. Racy is okay. Funny is good too. I'm open to providing music, prizes, maybe even a little wine to help get people relaxed. I really don't want it to come off as lame, or too much like a little kids' game. So... how & the heck do I get a bunch of nature-loving outdoorsy people into each other?

Meeting new people at school?

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:55:40 -0800

I am a semester into college and extremely dissatisfied with my social life. Please help me set some tangible, reachable goals and create specific New Year (New Semester?) resolutions that will allow me to reach them. I don’t adore my very small group of friends, an extremely short relationship (my first) recently failed, and I often feel alone and hopeless. I recognize that my social life is in my hands, and I’m afraid that my attitude is holding me back. My dissatisfaction contributed to my being pretty depressed for the last few weeks of last semester, and I’m already dreading going back to school in a week and a half.

I want a small group of friends who are like-minded, smart, creative, and intellectual, as well as a good-sized network of acquaintances. A boyfriend would be nice as well :) I want to feel that I’m being proactive in forming friendships, rather than just hanging out with the people I know from my hall. I know that I’m still at the beginning of my college career and that these things take time, but I want to make sure I’m doing what I can.

Other information: My classes are generally pretty large but I will have a small class and a few small recitations this semester. I live on campus in a dormitory. The most popular weekend activity is attending frat parties, which I detest. I’m shy and have some social anxiety, but don’t consider myself unfriendly.

Making New Friends in a Busy Social World, overcoming Anxiety

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 19:05:58 -0800

Currently, I have few friends. I've always had problems making friends. I've had even bigger problems keeping them. I don't know where to start, or how to remedy. ....... Hello,

First, I'd like to say that I am posting anonymously because I do not wish this question to be linked to my online screen name for the rest of internet eternity. I hope you (and the mod approving it) can understand this concern. :)

Now let me get to my life impacting question:

First point: I have very few friends.

All throughout my life, I have had issues KEEPING friends. And, making them, to a certain extent... in the sense that all friendships I've had seem to have materialize on their own or through the efforts of others, and not through my own actions.

So today I have maybe 2 or 3 somewhat- real friends. I cannot confide in them 100%, more like 80%. They are not my ideal choices in friends, but I have them and will not let them go for this very fact.

I feel that these friends are not a fit for me. They are not as reliable as I'd like, they do not fit my own lifestyle and goal-oriented ideas like I'd like.

So I feel they are almost holding me back and causing me frustrations just in the way that they live their lives. Its is not their or my fault, just a % of inequality in our lifestyles.

Don't get me wrong, they are great for good times, and great to share experiences and elicit advice (on the two-way advice street). But they also have problems that I know I would do better not being around .. like alcohol/driving and drugs/jail related histories.

I am able to separate their problems from my life (as in, not put myself in harms way or let them influence me) but as such, I would like to add to these friends .. and maybe as a result be able to spend less time with the troublesome group but not alone lost in my own lonely thoughts.

So far.. this may seem like an easy situation to resolve .. but I have huge issues going out ALONE and trying to make friends. The fear of rejection seems to be a huge thing i suffer with, among severe anxiety that does not quell into I feel comfortable.

In the area I live, right now (8:30p on a Saturday night) there are not may options unless I know people.

I.e. Going out alone to the bar.. because #1 I am not going to drink & drive, and why else would you go to a bar? Not dirnking would seem socially odd in my mind. (If you tell me to get over this fear, I may say I do not find it possible to just "get over" and live on. Anxiety comes into play).

Beyond that, even if I had a ride, all i can picture is walking between the finely knit groups, awkwardly breaking their "circle" to get a word in, and trying to fit in with one of them. Being such a outcast I dont even have much to talk about! This process will not look good at all to the other patrons (and potential future friends), and so after two or three moves between groups, I would seem like a social outcast (which is not necessarily untrue.), but would still prevent me from making progress seeming as a stable, interesting friend.

So far I know this much: 1) need new friends. 2) have to get over the fear of rejection and social stigma.

Therefore, imaging the advice I will get from ask.mefi, yes i need to start a new sport. or hobby. and meet the people there.

But I still have problems with small talk , and starting conversational threads without my anxiety getting in the way. I have this and that and all other internet resources to learn off of , but putting it into affect is not as simple as find and reading the resources.

After trying sites like events@ craigslist, and meetup.com, and other sites .. it seems to be very hard to be successful in meeting people. Or, at least I havent found sites that work for me.

So, I dont know where to start. I would be open to any other thoughts you may have on this delima I find myself suffering through every weekend. Please do what you do best ask.mefi, help me!!

I thank you in advance for every idea you can share

Guy sees girl in a bar... Then what?

eas98 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:38:49 -0800

How do guys meet girls in bars/lounges/clubs, etc? I know that's what's supposed to happen in these places, but, really, just how does it work?

Guy sees girl. Girl sees guy. Eye contact is made. Then...? Is the guy supposed to just walk up to her and say something? What?

I realize that I am shy by nature, but I can't imagine what the guy's supposed to say in a situation like this.. Yeah, I know, just say 'Hi'. Is it really that simple? And then what? Of note here is that I am very lacking in small-talk skill, but I am otherwise very comfortable in places like this and would like to develop some, for want of a better term, pick-up skills..

I'll be happy to hear input from guys on this, but what I'm really interested in is the female perspective. Mefi-females, what do you expect to have happen when you're in a bar/club and you see a guy you're interested in?

Thank you.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

How do I meet interesting people in Vancouver?

MaxK — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:58:14 -0800

Help me meet geeks in Vancouver! New in town from the states, and I'm looking for new friends locally. I read all the old AskMe's, but most are concerned with what to do in Vancouver rather than where to go to meet intelligent people. Tried Meetup.com with mixed success, but I'm afraid most people I'd meet that way will be older and less rambunctious than me. Hobbies include web/software design, drinking and occasional physical things like parkour or hiking. Where do all the geeks moon?

Advice for a first time conference goer?

saraswati — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:56:50 -0800

I'm going to my first conference and am looking for some general tips/advice from veteran conference goers As part of my goal to finally go to a conference I decided to attend Ontario Linux Fest this year. I'm generally shy but would like to try and use the conference as a networking opportunity as well as a learning experience. It's a single day event with a reception afterwards, so it's fairly mild as far as conference schedules go. Can any of the more experienced conference people give some general tips as to how I can maximize both my learning and my networking experiences?

As an aside, if anyone is going to Ontario Linux Fest 2007 and wants to meet up feel free to drop me a line.

Thanks!

Any advice for this shut-in after moving to Fort Lauderdale?

Green With You — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:09:29 -0800

About six weeks ago I moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida for work. I'm just about completely settled in and now have the difficult task of meeting people. What can I do? I graduated from college last April and, after a little difficulty finding work, I got a job in Florida after having lived my entire life in Michigan. Anyway, after thinking it over in my head I realized I've never made friends outside of school. I live with a coworker that I knew in school (he let me know about the job) and he's alright, but he's no better at meeting people than I am. There are a few other coworkers there in my age bracket, but they're more into MMORPGs.

Pretty much all my current hobbies are very solitary: reading, playing on computer, video games... I can see how these can become group hobbies in the right circumstances, I guess. I've been interested in music for awhile (used to play in high school and college band) and want to take up guitar. I would like (eventually) to make short films with friends. And I'm alright with going to see live music of local groups, but have no idea where to start looking to get into that 'scene' (don't really care for the term). I think the music I'm most inclined to see would be something akin to 'indie rock'.

To top it off, I'm pretty insecure around new people and... I guess 'anxious' would be a good description. People say I act nervous, even when I don't feel nervous. Although I do get nervous more than I probably should. I can talk to strangers, but mostly just one-on-one. I used to be very depressed, but now I mainly feel pretty good about who I am as a person. I don't really want to be very outgoing, just enough so I can meet a few new people a month and have a small group of close friends.

Any advice for this insecure shut-in?

How can I be less misanthropic and get people to like me more?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 May 2007 10:05:09 -0800

How can I be less misanthropic and get people to like me more? I'd like to know strategies for becoming less annoyed with people and thus increasing my desire to interact with them more. I can tend to be somewhat misanthropic and would like to change this. I wouldn't say that I "hate" people, but just that a lot of people tend to annoy me to an extent where I sometimes want to avoid interacting with them or make the interactions as brief as possible. This occurs almost primarily with people who I don't know at all (i.e., strangers) or those who I don't know very well. Once I get to know people, I actually tend to like most people a lot and, in the absence of any horribleness, even be very optimistic in my assessment of people; that is, I'll overlook quite a few annoying / bad personality traits and focus on the positive aspects of someone with whom I'm acquainted.

This misanthropy toward strangers has two negative effects that I'd like to address: First, I frequently feel an almost constant, low-grade state of annoyance when I'm in a public place with lots of strangers. Something as simple as a walk down the sidewalk can get annoying when people are walking toward me (on the wrong side), talking loudly on their cell phone, or yelling. In general, I tend to dislike anything that is loud or rude. However, I recognize that this is somewhat unavoidable in public situations and wish that I didn't notice it so much. I also realize that the vast majority of the people who annoy me don't intend to do so and that I shouldn't judge them because of it.

The second consequence of these feelings is that most of the time I have a hard time making new friends. I'm actually very social, and have a fairly large group of really great friends (albeit spread about the country) who I love to spend time with. However, making new friends involves interacting more with strangers, something that I often have no desire to do, given the aforementioned feelings. I should also mention that every once in a while I'll enter a super-social zone where I am not annoyed by people and have no problem talking to strangers / making new friends. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to get myself into this mindset more often and avoiding becoming annoyed over little things that don't matter. Thanks for reading.

meeting new people in dc

jare2003 — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 21:18:27 -0800

moving back to dc, and looking to meet new people - but trying to stay AWAY from the mass of transient young professionals everywhere. I know this question, to some degree has been asked before on MeFi, but I wanted to take it a bit deeper.

I'm recently settling back into the DC area - got a great job in Dupont, and about to move to an apartment in Mt. Pleasant (like the neighborhood, and lots of family nearby).

I do like DC a lot, plan to stay here for good (both personal and job reasons), and am quite familiar with it - but i haven't been living here for quite some time and I don't know lots of people.

The one frustration I have with DC is that as a newcomer, the most immediate groups of people around tend to be other professionals through work or similar avenues. They tend to be really transient here, coming in, staying for a few years, and then moving on. They also tend to be all middle class backgrounds and predominately white. That's not bad in and of itself, but i'm just used to having a much more diverse group of friends.

My friends that grew up in this area I like a lot, but I've just met them randomly. I know I will meet people, but I'm fishing for suggestions on going places and meeting people where everyone isn't an upward bound professional focused on their career and/or more schooling.

(For instance, I made a number of good friends from when I went to Northern Virginia Community College - unfortunately, I'm a DC resident now. I was also thinking that I might have more luck in MD/VA, as suburban Maryland/Virginia residents tend to be more rooted.

Any thoughts would be welcome - i know this question is pretty vague...

Where should I start over (in life)?

necessitas — Tue, 01 Aug 2006 07:41:40 -0800

Where should I start over (in life)? I am just coming out of a long term relationship. I don't have very many friends (and the ones I do are scattered around the country). I've spent the past y years moving around quite a bit, so I don't have a support system in any one particular area. So I am pretty much figuring out how to start over from scratch, with almost no support system and no real direction. My family have all moved away from the city and state in which I grew up (Miami, FL), so "moving back home" isn't an option, either. I don't have many friends, but the few I do have are all married, settled into their lives and scattered around the country. I didn't put down any roots in the area where I lived for the past 3 years (the whole boyfriend-is-my-life thing, I'm ashamed to admit), so staying in that area isn't an option (not to mention the fact that it is dull, near-rural with cow pastures as far as the eye can see).

If you were in your early 30's and feeling sort of unanchored, where would you go to start over? I am looking for a place that does have interesting culture and nightlife, something more affordable than LA or NY and a place where it would be easy to meet new people as an early 30's transplant. I prefer city to suburba, but I guess I wouldn't really mind if I lived in an interesting suburban area with lots going on. My dream area is somewhere with good public transportation (I realize that almost every area in the country has public transportation, but it isn't really used as a preferred mode of transport in most places) and/or plenty of things in walking distance so I could walk to coffee shops, bars, etc. My dream city is actually London, however, since I am a US citizen, that isn't even an option (not to mention cost of living).

Some options are NOVA/DC area or Phoenix. The Northern Virginia area is where my mother now lives. However, I have never heard great things about the area. People are constantly saying that it is a transient area, hard to meet people, etc. I don't know if this is reality or not (for the record, it is where I am staying at the moment while I figure out my next move). My sister lives in Phoenix and likes it. I don't know if it is the place for me or not, I really don't know much about it.

I like interesting cities like Portland, OR and Asheville, NC, but I'm not sure either cities are ideal to live in. I must admit, one of the main reasons I am hesitant about Portland is due to all the discouraging responses I've read here on AskMe about moving to portland. Asheville, while I love it, seems like a better place to visit than live.

Some specifics: early 30's, single, female. I don't really have much of an established career. I used to have a career in market research, but I haven't done much with it in the past 5 years. I presently have a fledgling business, but working for yourself is a bit isolating so I am afraid I will have to give that up for a 9-5 in order to fit into a new area. If that is the case, I will need to move to an area where I will be able to find a job (another fear about portland). For fun, I like yoga, shopping, museums, bookstores, nightlife . . . that sort of thing. I like some outdoorsy/adventure/nature type activities, but not on a daily basis.

I am not a "joiner" or an outgoing person, but I realize that new friends aren't going to fall from the sky. Thus, my new location would have to have lots of opportunities for me to meet other people in their 30s, as opposed to plenty of opportunities for new college grads, people in their early-mid 20s to meet other people. Additionally, in this area, early 30's and single needs to be the norm. So, Salt Lake City is out (not that it was ever an option to begin with, I am not LDS). For the past 3 years, I lived in lancaster where people get married and start having famlies either right out of high school or right out of college. Nothing wrong with it, but it will makes it hard to meet other like-minded friends/dates. Finally, I neither belong to nor plan to join a religious organization, so I won't be meeting people through church/temple/mosque.

Ok, so now you have all the specifics, where should I start over from scratch. Also, I am feeling a bit like an alien, in my thirties with few friends, no support system and totally not "established," so if you have experienced this as well, anecdotes are welcome.

How can a homebody meet intelligent platonic and romantic female friends?

Anonymous — Sat, 11 Mar 2006 18:54:47 -0800

Male introverts, homebodies, and my nerdy brethren, how did you meet your female friends? Your female significant others? How can I? I feel a strong lack of estrogen in my life. I have no strong, local female friend connections. None of my local female friends share my interests strongly, and none of them are dependable. None of them actively try to involve me in activies. I'd like to make some new female friends, who are interested in being close platonic friends, and share my interests.

I'd also like a girlfriend. I've been single for a year now, and none of the women I've gone on dates with have interested me.

I'm a 22 year old college student. I've got a year left at a large university, unfortunately I have no classes with any significant amount of women (16 total in the past 2 semesters out of 8 classes). I'm not unattractive, I'm not out of shape, but I'm no model.

Where did you make your friends, and find your significant other?

Where can I make interesting, INTELLIGENT female friends, and perhaps find a girlfriend?

A question regarding people's reaction to foreign-looking people.

questionmark — Fri, 24 Feb 2006 19:43:03 -0800

A question regarding people's reaction to foreign-looking people. Say you're at a social gathering. There are two people equidistant from you, looking equally interesting, approachable, friendly etc..., except one looks native, and one looks foreign. Who would you choose to approach?

Would you choose the native, because you assume the person who looks foreign probably does not speak your language, or would probably have less things in common with you? Would you choose the person who looks more foreign, because you're more attracted to someone exotic or different? Or would it be just a random choice?

I'm interested in both your instinctive choice and your thoughtful choice, if they happen to be different.