Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with meetingpeople

Where them like-minded people at?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:55:38 -0800

I need a major friend refresh/revamp. What are actionable steps I can take to find like-minded people, and in particular people that will both give/take in the fun department? I'm in my mid-twenties and really really sick of my friend group. They're okay people, but I've known many of them for many years and we've never really "clicked" into being close friends, so I feel like it's time to accept that it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. (By lack of closeness I mean that I don't feel comfortable sharing with them personal details of my life -- in times of trouble I would not confide in them). Most of the people I consider my best friends live in other cities.

Recently, (over the past 6-8 months) I've gone from feeling neutral to being actively annoyed at them constantly. In addition to the lack of "click", I feel that I am too often the fun organizer / ring-leader, so if I don't come up with the thing we are doing and recruit each and every member to do it, working past any obstacles or reluctant members (e.g. time conflicts, being forced into something else by significant others, etc.) then just, nothing happens, people complain "why didn't you organize X" and I am super frustrated. /rant

Anyhow, I'd like to retire from this role, take these people down to the acquaintance/occasional hangout level, so I can stop feeling trapped in a giant friend circle I don't even like. But I have no idea how to proceed with finding people who won't bother me in these ways -- ideally some people who will also be producers and not just consumers of fun. I have many

As far as interests go, I'm really into music (go to shows 1-2 times per week), but otherwise no particular niche hobbies -- just looking for fun-loving people (in the major US city in which I live) who are smart, down for a good time, and could potentially turn into more of a close friend. FYI I'm an extrovert and love meeting new people, but I like around 1-2 quiet nights in per week. The rest of my life is in good order, I love my SO and my job a lot, so this is this main department I want to improve.

I guess what I need help with is taking this goal (new friends in my city) and breaking it down into some actionable tasks I can actually make progress on. I've met a couple friends via dating websites, but you know how flaky people are when you're online dating? Multiply that by 100x and that's how flaky they are when friend-dating.

Help me improve my first impression on people

mooza — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 19:53:10 -0800

I caught up with a good pal and sometime boss last night and I learned something new and interesting. She said on first meeting I can come off as distant, focused on the job and not in a warm way. Looking for tips on how to change this. I gather what she meant was that I came across as aloof or something like that. She cited an example where a supervisor of mine had confided in her when I was interviewed for a job that I could clearly do the job on paper, but he wasn't sure we'd get along. At the end of the job he referred to me as the "wildcard" who he ended up getting along with the most (same sense of humour, style etc, he's a great guy). There were a couple of other examples as well that she brought up.

This was news to me. The truth is it takes me weeks or months to warm up to a new situation, new people. I am really quite anxious and intimidated when I meet people for the first time, so I concentrate very much on the job at hand. So I wasn't aware of how it came across to others, but I am definitely aware that I am very nervous (and I freelance so I often change job environments), but I thought I just came across as quiet, shy, but business-like.

In those situations where she's doing the hiring, she might have to reassure folk that I'm just warming up and then everything's fine. But in other situations I don't have her working as a "translator". I've been in my current job for the past four months, It's taken me a looong time to warm up, in fact in wasn't until this other freelance guy started a month ago who is so gregarious that I was disarmed and more comfortable being myself that I got officially warmed up. But I leave this job in a couple of weeks, so...

In social situations I generally avoid going to things on my own and tend to be a wallflower, although among friends I am very comfortable and generally a joker. I went to a conference recently and I knew a couple of people there but I was so anxious and stressed about being a loner for two of the three days I was there. But all this time I assumed I was either unnoticed or judged as shy, so the fact that I might come across as either aloof or cold is not entirely cool with me. My pal thinks I just need to be more socially confident, I am work confident enough!

What are some good tips for coming into a new situation like this? Both work or social situations are probably the same. How do you make a good first impression? I remember a particularly socially successful friend once said that she always makes sure she remembers everyone's names and uses them. How do you get over the nerves? I think my default tactic is to hide in my designated space and escape for meetings or tea breaks and that's probably my first problem!

Please help this introvert make new friends!

clair-obscur — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 09:42:07 -0800

I have been an introvert for as long as I can remember. I do have a few good friends that I enjoy talking to, but usually they were the ones who befriended me, instead of the other way around. Now, because of changes of circumstances in my life, I would like to bring more new people into my life, more actively this time. Dear hive mind, please give me some tips on how I can do it. I was born in China, then moved to North America with my family when I was 11. So, most of my teenage years were quite solitary: naturally introverted + only child + no extended family (just me and my parents) + language and cultural barriers. Now that I have grown up, I have become somewhat more sociable, but the old patterns that I used as part of my ego defence mechanism during those years still come back to haunt me.

Even as a child, I have been shy and proud at the same time. For example, once, because my grandparents had made fun of the way I spoke in our regional dialect, I stopped using that dialect; to this day I cannot speak it, although I can understand 100% of it. So, imagine extending this to a completely new language such as English. During high school, I refrained from talking because I was scared to sound inappropriate or "stupid". So, from age 11 to 17, I didn't really talk to anyone in another language other than Chinese. By "talking", I mean having a meaningful conversation, not that I pretended that I was mute.

Needless to say, not talking to people, really limited one in the getting-to-know-you arena. In addition to the language barrier, there was also the cultural one. They are similar in the sense that I was always scared to do something inappropriate for the context, because I found the very new cultural environment that I was in bewildering. Case in point 2: When I graduated from language classes to be part of a "regular class" with local kids, I was once invited to watch a movie with the "normal kids". I was extremely nervous and anxious about how to handle the event, so I meekly said in the phone that "I had things to do" and couldn't go. Ouch, even now I wince when I recall that awkward conversation.

Again, this can be extended to other areas of my social life, even to this day. I am not the best at accepting invitations to events for which I don't understand the behavioural norm. Also, I rarely invite people to go on outings of any nature. That is because, I guess, because of the way I feel about invitations, I feel disinclined to put other people in what I perceive as "a hard place to be".

To this day, my up-bring has made me a very independent and self-reliant person. The problem is, I feel that I am too independent and self-reliant, to the extent of excluding people I enjoy being with. My friends tell me that they think I am intelligent, knowledgeable and reflective, but they also think that I am distant, aloof and cold. In September 2011, I have started graduate studies, which lead once more to a rather solitary and confining lifestyle. And, I am acutely experiencing that the way that I behave currently is not who I really am. I am ready to make some changes in my life that will release me from the cold, distant manners that I almost instinctively adopt to prevent hurt and loss in self-esteem. The first move, I think, would be to become less passive in meeting people and making new friends.

Since I am really really new to making friends, I would love to get some tips on how to approach people. I also wonder how people who are out of college (so slightly older, with more responsibilities and time commitments) would feel about new friendship at this stage of their life. (I have read that it is universally hard to make new friends once we get older. It is a piece of information that I use to rationalize away my feeling of inadequacy...)

BTW, I am female, if it makes any difference.

Where’s the balance between changing myself and accepting myself?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Jan 2013 15:41:19 -0800

Help! I’m having trouble adjusting to college and accepting myself, and it’s stressing me out. What can I do to fix this? Lots of details inside. Sorry for the length. :(

I’m a female college freshman in the US. A majority of the time I feel fine, like my normal self. I’m intensely interested in learning things and making things, as usual; possibly even more so. But recently (for the last 2-3 months) I’ve started feeling both a general dread of being at college and pangs of acute unhappiness.

First, for example, when I returned to campus after a month, I felt this physical resistance as I was walking back to my room, like either I didn’t want to be on campus or the campus didn’t want me here. Thinking about various places on campus, I can’t remember many happy memories. Second, I never used to cry in high school. I can remember barely one or two instances over four years. But in the last 2-3 months, starting over fall break, I’ve started becoming emotionally unstable. I cry on average once every two weeks, sometimes multiple times in a day. The frequency seems to be linked to my period and PMSing, but I’m not sure why this would be happening now if it never happened to me in high school.

The crying is weird. I feel these physical pangs of sadness running through my body, and it seems to be triggered by specific thoughts. For example, one of my professors sent me an email including the phrase “I just want you to be happy,” and that really made me cry. It also seems to be triggered by thoughts like “I need to take care of myself,” “I feel totally alone,” “I feel profoundly unhappy” (even though the feeling is localized to this moment, and most of the time I feel okay), “I really need help,” and “I really wish someone would care about me.” Writing this is making me tear up. I know something’s wrong, but I’m not sure what it is or what I can do to fix it.

One thing that stresses me out is that I don’t feel like I have many friends here. I had a close group of friends in high school that I cared about a lot, and we would often hang out after school. Here, I feel like I haven’t met many similar people. I know the stock advice is to hang out with people different from you and each person will teach the other interesting things, and that’s true, but I would really like to find similar people. Part of it is that I have niche interests spanning two very different fields, but that’s not extremely niche. Another part of it is that many freshmen I meet are undecided about their major, whereas I came in strongly set on my major and my goals. I know there are definitely other decided and passionate people here -- my school is known for ambitious overachievers, actually -- but I’m not sure how or where to meet them. I feel much more comfortable talking to professors and upperclassmen, because I feel like we’re similarly driven and I become inspired by their achievements.

The cycle of loneliness gets worse because the fewer friends I have, the less likely I am to meet new people through them, and the more likely I am to avoid people. I’ve already started avoiding dining halls. It’s an irrational and expensive habit, but sitting by myself makes me feel insecure, and it’s awkward if I see people I know. So I prefer to buy food and eat by myself even though I’ve paid for a meal plan. During the beginning of the semester, I was outgoing enough to introduce myself to strangers in the dining hall, but now every meal feels like a struggle.

Also, I don’t understand why I feel so lonely. I’m an introvert, and I strongly prefer being by myself (I would spend days in the summer just reading things), but something in my mind is making me unhappy now that I’m by myself. I guess it’s the fact that I don’t feel like I have a choice in being by myself. I like being around people, in the long run: I’m pretty extroverted around new people, and I have no problem making small talk. My friends matter a lot to me, and if people need help, I’ll always try my best. I also have a boyfriend who goes to a different college (who happens to have very similar interests, so I know people like us exist). Talking to him has helped a lot, but I don’t want to spread my negativity to him.

I’ve considered transferring to another college. I often feel like I don’t fully belong here, and there are two I can think of that I’ve visited and really liked because I’ve easily found people with my interests. It’s probably too difficult to transfer, though, and I have extracurricular ties here that I value.

One concrete thing I’m doing to meet people is that I try to go to as many technical events on campus as I can, time permitting. But they’re usually lectures or co-working events, so nothing has really come of it. What other things should I be doing?

Also, I’m very confused about the conflict between finding myself and being myself. The stock advice for new college students includes both “try new things, meet new people, and improve yourself” and “pursue your passions wholeheartedly, gain deep skill, and ignore what other people are doing.” These don’t seem that contradictory, but I’m having problems. For example, I like music and dancing, so I decided to try the college party scene. After going to pregames, formals, and clubs, I realized that I’m personally not interested in drinking, dressing up, or hooking up. I have a boyfriend that I’m devoted to, and it’s more fulfilling to me if I spend my nights on making something or learning something. I could “improve myself” by learning to be more social and having a good time, or I could be myself by pursuing what I’d normally pursue. Should I work to change myself or should I work to really be myself? I know it’s a spectrum, but each task demands time, and time is limited.

I guess I already knew the answer to this; I just needed someone to talk about it with. In the last few weeks, I’ve learned that if I really want to be myself, I need to take a pretty unusual path and give a lot of my time. I feel like the combination of interests I have, the things I enjoy doing, and the things I want to do mean that I should concentrate fully on things that most other freshmen aren’t doing now. I’m seriously considering graduate school (with open eyes -- I’ve talked to professors, I’m fully devoted to my major, and I see several paths that really appeal to me). This means I need to focus on my GPA and doing research as an undergrad. My passions include coding and writing and combining the two, and even though just getting good at one skill is a life’s work, I want to gain deep skill in both and produce as much as I can. This is tough and time-intensive and often a solitary task. I don’t really have free time and I don’t hang out with people often, because I always have a personal project or four that I want to work on. (I guess I prefer to make my work my life instead of dividing it into “work” and “free time.”) I know I don’t have to do this alone, and I would love to work with people who are similarly driven. But how?

Thanks for reading. I guess these are the questions that have been bothering me:

Why did I become so emotionally unstable and what can I do to take care of myself?
What can I do to meet more similar people and/or stop feeling so alone? (How did you meet your closest friends?)
Where’s the balance between changing myself and accepting myself?

Throwaway email: 5o2884197169@gmail.com

Structured activities where a shy guy can meet women?

zeri — Fri, 28 Dec 2012 18:26:22 -0800

What are some structured activities where I (early 30s, male) can meet women in their 20s/30s? I'm specifically looking for activities that involve an ongoing group with structured interaction between participants, because I'm not good at starting up conversations on my own. I'm looking for the kind of activity where people necessarily get to know each other -- so e.g. a yoga or drawing class won't do the trick, since it's easy to show up, do your thing and leave without talking to anyone. The ideal would be some kind of class or group that was ongoing (I'm pretty shy so it takes me a while to come out of my shell around new people), non-stressful (I wouldn't be likely to go to e.g. an improv class), small enough that you get to know everyone else but large enough that you'd be likely to meet one or more people you might find interesting, not involving sports or dance, but preferably not purely talk-based either (like a book club). Oh, and fun, too. I know that all sounds very restrictive, but there must be lots of activities of this sort, I'm just not thinking of them. Suggestions welcomed.

question about meeting people

Modica — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 16:07:32 -0800

I've been in Austin for a little over a month now. I've been trying to find things to and trying to meet people. I could use some advice, some tips, or really just some encouragement. I like it a lot down here. The place is really laid-back, really relaxed, and the few people I run into here and there are interesting. But I've been having a lot of trouble meeting people/making friends and a good amount of difficulty finding things to do.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for fifteen months now. Austin, I've found, is a very wet town. I didn't think it would bother me as much as it has, as I'd been going out to bars and being around people who drank for the past year of my sobriety. But down here, being mostly on my own, I find myself very, very apprehensive of putting myself out there and going to events where, more often than not, folks are drinking a lot. I'm not afraid that I'll be tempted–it would take something massive to make me want to drink–but I just feel deeply uncomfortable going to new places/events by myself where people are drinking or where drinking is the main focus of the place.

I've signed up for a few volunteer opportunities. I made an OKCupid account. I start a new job in August. These things should help me form some relationships with some new people who I can go out and do things with and get more comfortable with taking on this city on my own. But for now, I spend a lot of my time at home or sitting around at coffeeshops reading. Which is fine and what I like a lot of the time–I'm not much of a social person since getting sober, as I've found that people annoy me a lot–but now and then...I dunno, the loneliness and the occasional boredom are frustrating.

Help a girl meet more guys in No Fun City...without online dating.

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 06:47:54 -0800

Help a girl meet more guys in No Fun City...without online dating. I'm a 21-year-old lady. I do go on dates, but not a lot, and frankly a lot of attention I get is from old guys (like 40+) or creeps (like the charmer who shouted NICE LEGS! at me from his car yesterday). I am not a supermodel, but I don't think I am unattractive. I am pretty shy though and not very good at flirting. I know some girls who can sit next to a man on the bus and get a date with him the next day. All I get are a few awkward smiles.

All this is sort of compounded by the fact that I live in Vancouver (Canada), a city of notoriously un-forward men. When I've been to Toronto, Montreal, or Seattle I've had a lot of attention from men when I went out at night, but here that's rarely the case. I already do my best to dress nice, and I do go out to quite a few shows and to bars with my friends, so I'm not some shut-in in sweatpants.

These are the standard suggestions that I get:
1. Meet boys at places that interest you!: I am into literature, philosophy, art and would love to meet a guy with similar interests. Unfortunately, I don't have swarms of men approaching me when I hang out at the library or the art gallery. I love independent music and go to a lot of shows, but I also feel desperate/like a creep approaching men if they don't approach me. I am not into sports (I have an ankle condition and basically suck at everything).

2. Singles groups/events: At 21, I am waaaaay too young for these.

3. Going to bars/shows/etc. alone so my friends won't intimidate men: I've heard this one a few times. I just don't think people do this here. If I go to a bar alone, I'm pretty sure I'll look like a loser and/or alcoholic.

4. Online dating: Obviously this is what Metafilter is going to suggest. Ι am averse to it for the following reasons:
- I am not photogenic. At all.
- I tried searching OKCupid and came up with both my brother and a boy who stalked me in high school
- I feel like the online dating crowd skews more to 30-somethings.

How do shy 20-something girls find dates, especially in a city without particularly forward men? Are single women screwed in Vancouver because of a skewed gender ratio (I've heard this one before)? Should I just accept that maybe I'm kinda ugly? Do help me out.

Activity-less in Seattle

lockstitch — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 09:47:12 -0800

What are some good social clubs / activities / volunteer-type things in the Seattle metropolitan area? I want to make more friends. I would like to find a way to get involved with something, and as a result, make friends that are outside my current social circle.

Info:
- I'm a 20-something woman, and I would like to make friends of both genders, in any age-group (though I admit, it would be nice to meet guys somewhere other than at bars). Ideally, I hope that I could find people my own age, but I'm not sure that too many 20-somethings are joining clubs. Are they?
- I don't have too much disposable income, so I can't join something that would require me to purchase new gear (ie, a snowboarding club that I'd have to get a snowboard and a new coat and so on).
- I'm not terribly athletic but I am willing to try new things.
- Current interests include books, movies, photography, arts, diy, hiking, eating, drinking.... and so on.
- I'm relatively new to the Seattle area, so I don't know too much about the city itself.

Thanks!

Advice on how to make some actual friends here?

Anonymous — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 21:06:19 -0800

Despite my efforts (meetups, work), I don't really have a reliable circle of friends here. Any advice for meeting people? Admittedly I'm a bit embarrassed to be writing this, but I feel like I have to ask the question, so there you go.

I currently live with my girlfriend here in New York. We've got a pretty good life, but the one thing we're really missing is a good circle of friends. When we graduated from college most of our friends dispersed around the US. Since then we've met a few people, but I wouldn't really call them good friends. We've tried going to a few meetups, but nothing's really panned out from that either. We're on the quieter side - mildly nerdy (but not socially inept in the least), but we don't really go out and party all hours of the night or anything like that.

I just don't get it. Are we doing something wrong? Is it hard to actually make some real friends here in NYC? I'd like to point out that I'm talking about actual friendships and not just drinking buddies or something like that.

Related to this is that I've never really had a group of male friends. I'm a pretty friendly guy, but for whatever reason I've just never had a circle of male friends to, I don't know, hang out with. I started a new position in the past few months and I'm still getting acquainted with my coworkers, but they all seem fairly independent so I don't really see that turning into much of anything outside of work.

Anyway, I don't really know what to do. Part of me just feels like everyone else has their little circles of friends, and here I am on the outside, and I feel like a failure as a human being or something. Does anyone have any advice for me?

(Sidenote - it's also super lame to post on the Internet and admit that you don't really have friends, hence the anonymity. nycfriendsearch@gmail.com if you want to contact me, I guess.)

I believe you when you tell me that we've met before, this time you've got my interest, this time you've got the floor

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 19:32:32 -0800

How can I get better at talking to new people? I'm an Australian woman in my mid-30s. Because of my physical disabilities and health problems I am not able to work at the moment.

(My health issues make me exhausted and sometimes mentally 'foggy', but I am not intellectually handicapped. I have a bachelor's degree with first-class honours, and I used to work full-time in a very intellectually demanding job before I got sick.)

Fourteen days might go by between [me talking to someone who isn't my boyfriend or a Dr/pharmacist/shop assistant] and [the next time that I talk to someone who isn't my boyfriend or a Dr/pharmacist/shop assistant.]

In the meantime, my social skills get quite rusty. I shower and wash my hair daily, I dress in interesting and flattering clothes, I never mention a single word about my health issues, but people still seem to sense something 'off' about me.

In an effort to meet new people, I go along to Meetup.com style events, and I find it overwhelming.

There is often so much background noise, which makes it really hard for me to hear (I'm hard of hearing. Yes, I will be getting a hearing aid very soon.)

People expect such a quick verbal response to their questions, and get frustrated if my response isn't instantaneous (my health problems cause physical and mental exhaustion, and mental 'fog' - think about what you feel like when you have the flu or a sinus infection - that is what I feel like 80% of the time.)

Sometimes I can't think of the word for something straightaway, and use 'widget' and 'thingummy' which people think is weird/funny/makes them uncomfortable.

Often people seem really unfriendly and uninterested in talking to me, even when I briefly introduce myself, ask their name, and ask friendly questions about them and their interests/recent activities.

Sometimes people seem very uncomfortable about the mobility aid that I use.

Often, the whole experience leaves me feeling really disappointed, frustrated, and sad, and wondering why I bother.

But I would like to expand my social network, so I keep trying... how can I get better at talking to new people?

Throw-away email: morwenna.phelps@gmail.com

Social Skills Training/Behavior Therapy in NYC?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 06:17:41 -0800

I need to improve my social and relationship skills. Can anyone recommend a behavior therapist in NYC who does social skill training and takes Empire Blue Cross/Blue Shield? Currently taking meds which have helped me an awful lot. I am also seeing a therapist but I'm not sure that I'm getting what I need out of that particular relationship. I know what my issues are and I don't see the point in rehashing them endlessly. My main problem right now is loneliness. The meds and therapy have helped me deal with my crippling shyness but I don't have the tools I need to get out there and connect with people.

If you know of a place in NYC where I can get some social skills training, please let me know. Thanks!

I'm looking for friends, but I also have to take care of my dad.

Anonymous — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:25:02 -0800

I'm in an odd situation in a new town. I need to make new friends, but I have to worry about taking care of my dad. So, I’m looking for a bit of advice, I’m not usually one who gets into problems like this and usually, if I do, I can think myself out of it. This time, it’s a little tricky. I just moved to a smaller California town with my dad since he took up a new job here. The rest of my family is coming up later but had to stick behind to sell the house. Dad and I had always been close, so they asked me to come up to keep him company since I’m not in school and won’t be until this fall.

I’ve always been close to my dad, but it’s really starting to create its own problems. I take care of the house, the shopping and most errands when he’s at work, and when he’s home he almost always wants to leave the house to go hiking or to the beach. This really is making it hard for me to find anyone my age to hang out with. He’s a really sensitive guy and especially since we moved he’s been kind of depressed. I don’t feel I can tell him I want some time to just be alone or with other people, since I moved here basically to take care of him.

All my life I’ve looked a little older than I am. It’s just my facial structure I think. Hanging around with my father doesn’t help me look my age. Most people have assumed I’m either married to him, or much closer to his age when they meet just the two of us. Rarely do people think I’m his daughter. To help combat this I’ve been really trying hard to dress in a way that suggests I’m in my early 20’s and not my 40’s or 50’s, but this still doesn’t seem to make people pick up on my actual age too often.

The last town I lived in was even smaller than this, and so my social life there was also kind of lacking. I’m not a shy person, and when I’m around people my own age I tend to do all right. That is of course, if there is no alcohol around. Because of medications I take I really can’t drink all that much or even that often. Most often I just avoid it because I have a low tolerance level outside of medications and I don’t often like the taste. However, this doesn’t seem to be something a lot of people find to be a legitimate reason for not drinking, and I’ve lost “friends” in the past over that fact. I’m not sure at all of where to go in this town to meet people my own age.

I’ve been filling out resumes left and right to try to find a job, not only to make money, but in the hopes that that would get me away from the house and interacting with more people, but as of yet, I’ve heard nothing back yet. While I’m not overly religious anymore, I have attended church with my dad, and sadly, there are no young people attending services there.

So any advice? I’m not a shy person, or unattractive or difficult to talk to and being outdoors doesn’t bother me in the slightest. There are a lot of things I’m up for doing outside of drinking. I’m leaving for school in September and I’m sure I’ll make friends there, but for my own sake, I need to meet some people here soon. Things can get really rough when you don’t have people you can talk to face to face.

How to friendzone gracefully

ista — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 04:24:02 -0800

I want to make friends, I keep getting dates. I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship with anyone at the moment. How do I turn a first date into a friendship without bruising egos? I'm an attractive twentysomething female, just moved so I'm trying to make friends inside and outside of work. But I keep getting asked out on dates. I don't mind going out, but I just got out of a serious relationship and I have no real desire to get exclusive in the next couple months.

I don't want to turn someone down for a first hang-out request, because that's presumptuous ("he wants to do lunch, must be attracted to me")... and more importantly, I still want to get to know these guys! Am I doing wrong by him to NOT say "OK but JUST AS FRIENDS" before I agree to have a cup of coffee?

So let's say there's a guy I've been out with once, and we had a great time. He asks me out on date number two. How and when do I start dropping those hints and/or having that conversation? Before we go on the second date? Before he tries for a kiss goodnight? Do I need to do this in person (read: on the date), or should I call beforehand?

I'm usually a pretty blunt person, but I do recognize the important role of subtlety in protecting egos. This thread gave me some good thoughts, but what if we've already made it past date one?

Is online dating a reasonable step?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:00:16 -0800

I moved to a new city and I'm lonely. tl;dr inside. Not like, no friends lonely. I've met some great people. More like no significant other lonely. I can take dry spells, but after months and months, it has gotten way old.

I'm not a person who has a long laundry list of traits that someone must posess in order for me to be interested in them. Smarts and a sense of humor covers 80 percent of what's necessary, and the other 20 percent can be met by anything from quirky cute to OMFG amazing body. There's a lot of latitude.

The thing is, my new buddies here are the "let's throw a wild party" type, or "go to the club" type. I enjoy that sort of thing to an extent, but it's not conducive for me meeting smart and funny people to also be physically intimate with. Wild and fun people, sure. Eye candy, sure. But that's not what I'm looking for. Maybe I just suck at striking up conversations about books when someone is grinding against me on the dance floor.

I would start going to museum exhibit openings and gallery shows and join a book club and a film club and junk to meet a group of people like that, but the place I've moved to is not a cultural hotbed. To put it lightly, those sorts of activities are limited. I've done as much of that as I can, but it's no panacea. I'm finding it hard to meet people who live mindfully.

Yes, I do also want to find a group or two of just friends who read novels and watch movies with actual subtitles to interact with without any sexual component, just fun times and shared interests. But the physical loneliness is sharper at this time than the other need, and besides, the right person by definition will go a fair ways to scratching the other itch.

So here's the question: is this the sort of situation dating sites excel at addressing? Put a profile up, go have some coffee after a few e-mails that spark, and meet more fun smart interesting people in a month than I would otherwise have met in a year?

Or do dating sites kind of self-select for slightly antisocial sad sacks without great people skills?

Don't hate me for asking that question. I feel it has to be asked. I know it's not an accurate description of all or even most users, but surely there is a subset it fits. How big is that subset?

I have a bias for OK Cupid because their write-ups about member data are interesting, and it seems like none of them really are any better at what they do than another. Or am I wrong?

General sounding off about any aspect of the situation would be helpful.

Volunteering: I'm good, but I'm not that good.

Anonymous — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:52:11 -0800

I've been cooped up and dealing with excessive work and depression for a while. I'm on the mend, and doing better than I've been in a while, and I'm looking for ways to meet more people. I hear all kinds of great things about volunteering, and while it appeals to me, I haven't had very good luck with it. (More inside.) I've never been good at meeting people, but over the past five or eight years, I've come to appreciate that I'm much more of a people person than I've given myself credit for. Still, I need to put forth some serious effort to get myself off my butt and go out and do things--my guess is that it's down to books being the only reliable friends I had growing up, so I never got the habit of going out and seeking out human interaction.

Anyway, my question is narrower: I've tried volunteering in the past as a way of meeting people, but it's been most effective as a way of meeting people who are a) much older than I am, b) intellectually plain in a "I love Oprah, NASCAR, country music, voting Republican, and not thinking" way that puts me right off, c) somehow attached, or d) some combination of the above. Other times, I get stuck with a solitary task or something that doesn't let me interact with people, and that completely defeats the purpose of me going to volunteer in the first place. (Yes, I understand computers. No, I will not work on your organization's website. My website sucks. Do you want your website to suck?)

Ideally, I'd care enough about something that needed volunteers that I could enjoy helping for the sake of helping, but I'm not that good. I must be absolutely clear: I'm not doing this for any noble reason or charitable impulse. I am doing this to audition prospective girlfriends, preferably cute alternative types who can tolerate dating a 9-5er. I give to charity, regard myself as a compassionate person, and love helping others, but I'm afraid this is about me.

Anyway, my question: can you recommend somewhere in the Bay Area that would fit my bill? Or if you think I'm completely barking up the wrong tree, can you suggest somewhere else to look?

Demographics: 29, male, straight, lawyer, lives in San Francisco.

Throwaway email: imnotthatgood@gmail.com.

Bachelors & bachelorettes in the woods

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:13:39 -0800

What are some suggestions for coordinating a "dating game" or fun "speed dating" activity at an outdoor camping event this weekend? The general intent of the activity is to laugh, get people more familiar and comfortable with each other (platonically or romantically), and maybe even make some matches. Attendees will be grown women and men of assorted social persuasions. Asking anonymously since some of the attendees may be reading this and I'd like it to be a bit of a surprise. I have about 2 hours of time to fill. I expect there will be maybe 20-25 people there at the most, some single, some married & open, some straight, some gay, some looking for lovers, and some just looking for giggles. They'll be a range of ages from 20-60s, all with a spiritual connection to nature, many of them fairly intellectual, and most with a good sense of fun and humor. I have vague ideas that I'd like to get people to meet-&-great amongst each other, pairing off, switching partners, and making the rounds among each other so that by the end of it, everyone will have been able to spend some time with most of the other participants, and maybe even chose one to pursue further. But I can't really come up with a solid plan. (And I don't watch TV so I don't have much of a reference for how the TV classic Dating Game or modern equivalents would go.) It'll be outside in the evening (dark) and we could be located either around a campfire or at a row of picnic tables under a shelter (with lights if needed). I would be emceeing the event. Racy is okay. Funny is good too. I'm open to providing music, prizes, maybe even a little wine to help get people relaxed. I really don't want it to come off as lame, or too much like a little kids' game. So... how & the heck do I get a bunch of nature-loving outdoorsy people into each other?

Meeting new people at school?

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 15:55:40 -0800

I am a semester into college and extremely dissatisfied with my social life. Please help me set some tangible, reachable goals and create specific New Year (New Semester?) resolutions that will allow me to reach them. I don’t adore my very small group of friends, an extremely short relationship (my first) recently failed, and I often feel alone and hopeless. I recognize that my social life is in my hands, and I’m afraid that my attitude is holding me back. My dissatisfaction contributed to my being pretty depressed for the last few weeks of last semester, and I’m already dreading going back to school in a week and a half.

I want a small group of friends who are like-minded, smart, creative, and intellectual, as well as a good-sized network of acquaintances. A boyfriend would be nice as well :) I want to feel that I’m being proactive in forming friendships, rather than just hanging out with the people I know from my hall. I know that I’m still at the beginning of my college career and that these things take time, but I want to make sure I’m doing what I can.

Other information: My classes are generally pretty large but I will have a small class and a few small recitations this semester. I live on campus in a dormitory. The most popular weekend activity is attending frat parties, which I detest. I’m shy and have some social anxiety, but don’t consider myself unfriendly.

Making New Friends in a Busy Social World, overcoming Anxiety

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 19:05:58 -0800

Currently, I have few friends. I've always had problems making friends. I've had even bigger problems keeping them. I don't know where to start, or how to remedy. ....... Hello,

First, I'd like to say that I am posting anonymously because I do not wish this question to be linked to my online screen name for the rest of internet eternity. I hope you (and the mod approving it) can understand this concern. :)

Now let me get to my life impacting question:

First point: I have very few friends.

All throughout my life, I have had issues KEEPING friends. And, making them, to a certain extent... in the sense that all friendships I've had seem to have materialize on their own or through the efforts of others, and not through my own actions.

So today I have maybe 2 or 3 somewhat- real friends. I cannot confide in them 100%, more like 80%. They are not my ideal choices in friends, but I have them and will not let them go for this very fact.

I feel that these friends are not a fit for me. They are not as reliable as I'd like, they do not fit my own lifestyle and goal-oriented ideas like I'd like.

So I feel they are almost holding me back and causing me frustrations just in the way that they live their lives. Its is not their or my fault, just a % of inequality in our lifestyles.

Don't get me wrong, they are great for good times, and great to share experiences and elicit advice (on the two-way advice street). But they also have problems that I know I would do better not being around .. like alcohol/driving and drugs/jail related histories.

I am able to separate their problems from my life (as in, not put myself in harms way or let them influence me) but as such, I would like to add to these friends .. and maybe as a result be able to spend less time with the troublesome group but not alone lost in my own lonely thoughts.

So far.. this may seem like an easy situation to resolve .. but I have huge issues going out ALONE and trying to make friends. The fear of rejection seems to be a huge thing i suffer with, among severe anxiety that does not quell into I feel comfortable.

In the area I live, right now (8:30p on a Saturday night) there are not may options unless I know people.

I.e. Going out alone to the bar.. because #1 I am not going to drink & drive, and why else would you go to a bar? Not dirnking would seem socially odd in my mind. (If you tell me to get over this fear, I may say I do not find it possible to just "get over" and live on. Anxiety comes into play).

Beyond that, even if I had a ride, all i can picture is walking between the finely knit groups, awkwardly breaking their "circle" to get a word in, and trying to fit in with one of them. Being such a outcast I dont even have much to talk about! This process will not look good at all to the other patrons (and potential future friends), and so after two or three moves between groups, I would seem like a social outcast (which is not necessarily untrue.), but would still prevent me from making progress seeming as a stable, interesting friend.

So far I know this much: 1) need new friends. 2) have to get over the fear of rejection and social stigma.

Therefore, imaging the advice I will get from ask.mefi, yes i need to start a new sport. or hobby. and meet the people there.

But I still have problems with small talk , and starting conversational threads without my anxiety getting in the way. I have this and that and all other internet resources to learn off of , but putting it into affect is not as simple as find and reading the resources.

After trying sites like events@ craigslist, and meetup.com, and other sites .. it seems to be very hard to be successful in meeting people. Or, at least I havent found sites that work for me.

So, I dont know where to start. I would be open to any other thoughts you may have on this delima I find myself suffering through every weekend. Please do what you do best ask.mefi, help me!!

I thank you in advance for every idea you can share

Guy sees girl in a bar... Then what?

eas98 — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:38:49 -0800

How do guys meet girls in bars/lounges/clubs, etc? I know that's what's supposed to happen in these places, but, really, just how does it work?

Guy sees girl. Girl sees guy. Eye contact is made. Then...? Is the guy supposed to just walk up to her and say something? What?

I realize that I am shy by nature, but I can't imagine what the guy's supposed to say in a situation like this.. Yeah, I know, just say 'Hi'. Is it really that simple? And then what? Of note here is that I am very lacking in small-talk skill, but I am otherwise very comfortable in places like this and would like to develop some, for want of a better term, pick-up skills..

I'll be happy to hear input from guys on this, but what I'm really interested in is the female perspective. Mefi-females, what do you expect to have happen when you're in a bar/club and you see a guy you're interested in?

Thank you.

Hi, I'm AWKWARD! (But how awkward am I?)

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 09:19:27 -0800

Do people with under-developed social skills know that their skills need work? If so, how? I’ve had trouble making and keeping friends throughout my life, from childhood, though high school and college and now into adulthood and the workplace. I only recently realized this pattern-- I’ve always been consumed by my work and always told myself that I could have friends if I wanted to make time for them. Turns out that might not be true.

Now I’m trying to figure out why people don’t seem to seek out my company, or don’t seem to enjoy spending time with me. I’m pretty sure that I’m no more awkward than your average nerd… But it recently occurred to me that lacking social skills would probably prevent me from, uh, knowing that I lack social skills. Hence my question: could I be completely socially inept and just not know it?

Some pertinent points:
-I feel pretty confident saying that I don’t have Asperger’s or the like. (I worked in social services for some time, am highly emotional, and I think I do well with “reading people” and navigating internal politics.)

-I get very nervous in social situations and become afraid that I’ll say the wrong thing. That, coupled with a diagnoses of Adult ADD (and the impulse control problems that come with it) means that I often *do* say the wrong thing. Never hurtful things-- more like jokes that turn out not to be funny, or revealing things I shouldn’t have.

-I’m shy and tend to be quiet around new people-- largely out of nervousness (see above). Do people just think I’m unfriendly?

What else should I be looking for? And do you guys have any advice for remedying this?

Since I can’t send anonymous thank yous, I thank you now, MeFites.

How do I meet interesting people in Vancouver?

MaxK — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:58:14 -0800

Help me meet geeks in Vancouver! New in town from the states, and I'm looking for new friends locally. I read all the old AskMe's, but most are concerned with what to do in Vancouver rather than where to go to meet intelligent people. Tried Meetup.com with mixed success, but I'm afraid most people I'd meet that way will be older and less rambunctious than me. Hobbies include web/software design, drinking and occasional physical things like parkour or hiking. Where do all the geeks moon?

Advice for a first time conference goer?

saraswati — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:56:50 -0800

I'm going to my first conference and am looking for some general tips/advice from veteran conference goers As part of my goal to finally go to a conference I decided to attend Ontario Linux Fest this year. I'm generally shy but would like to try and use the conference as a networking opportunity as well as a learning experience. It's a single day event with a reception afterwards, so it's fairly mild as far as conference schedules go. Can any of the more experienced conference people give some general tips as to how I can maximize both my learning and my networking experiences?

As an aside, if anyone is going to Ontario Linux Fest 2007 and wants to meet up feel free to drop me a line.

Thanks!

Any advice for this shut-in after moving to Fort Lauderdale?

Green With You — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 09:09:29 -0800

About six weeks ago I moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida for work. I'm just about completely settled in and now have the difficult task of meeting people. What can I do? I graduated from college last April and, after a little difficulty finding work, I got a job in Florida after having lived my entire life in Michigan. Anyway, after thinking it over in my head I realized I've never made friends outside of school. I live with a coworker that I knew in school (he let me know about the job) and he's alright, but he's no better at meeting people than I am. There are a few other coworkers there in my age bracket, but they're more into MMORPGs.

Pretty much all my current hobbies are very solitary: reading, playing on computer, video games... I can see how these can become group hobbies in the right circumstances, I guess. I've been interested in music for awhile (used to play in high school and college band) and want to take up guitar. I would like (eventually) to make short films with friends. And I'm alright with going to see live music of local groups, but have no idea where to start looking to get into that 'scene' (don't really care for the term). I think the music I'm most inclined to see would be something akin to 'indie rock'.

To top it off, I'm pretty insecure around new people and... I guess 'anxious' would be a good description. People say I act nervous, even when I don't feel nervous. Although I do get nervous more than I probably should. I can talk to strangers, but mostly just one-on-one. I used to be very depressed, but now I mainly feel pretty good about who I am as a person. I don't really want to be very outgoing, just enough so I can meet a few new people a month and have a small group of close friends.

Any advice for this insecure shut-in?

How can I be less misanthropic and get people to like me more?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 May 2007 10:05:09 -0800

How can I be less misanthropic and get people to like me more? I'd like to know strategies for becoming less annoyed with people and thus increasing my desire to interact with them more. I can tend to be somewhat misanthropic and would like to change this. I wouldn't say that I "hate" people, but just that a lot of people tend to annoy me to an extent where I sometimes want to avoid interacting with them or make the interactions as brief as possible. This occurs almost primarily with people who I don't know at all (i.e., strangers) or those who I don't know very well. Once I get to know people, I actually tend to like most people a lot and, in the absence of any horribleness, even be very optimistic in my assessment of people; that is, I'll overlook quite a few annoying / bad personality traits and focus on the positive aspects of someone with whom I'm acquainted.

This misanthropy toward strangers has two negative effects that I'd like to address: First, I frequently feel an almost constant, low-grade state of annoyance when I'm in a public place with lots of strangers. Something as simple as a walk down the sidewalk can get annoying when people are walking toward me (on the wrong side), talking loudly on their cell phone, or yelling. In general, I tend to dislike anything that is loud or rude. However, I recognize that this is somewhat unavoidable in public situations and wish that I didn't notice it so much. I also realize that the vast majority of the people who annoy me don't intend to do so and that I shouldn't judge them because of it.

The second consequence of these feelings is that most of the time I have a hard time making new friends. I'm actually very social, and have a fairly large group of really great friends (albeit spread about the country) who I love to spend time with. However, making new friends involves interacting more with strangers, something that I often have no desire to do, given the aforementioned feelings. I should also mention that every once in a while I'll enter a super-social zone where I am not annoyed by people and have no problem talking to strangers / making new friends. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to get myself into this mindset more often and avoiding becoming annoyed over little things that don't matter. Thanks for reading.

meeting new people in dc

jare2003 — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 21:18:27 -0800

moving back to dc, and looking to meet new people - but trying to stay AWAY from the mass of transient young professionals everywhere. I know this question, to some degree has been asked before on MeFi, but I wanted to take it a bit deeper.

I'm recently settling back into the DC area - got a great job in Dupont, and about to move to an apartment in Mt. Pleasant (like the neighborhood, and lots of family nearby).

I do like DC a lot, plan to stay here for good (both personal and job reasons), and am quite familiar with it - but i haven't been living here for quite some time and I don't know lots of people.

The one frustration I have with DC is that as a newcomer, the most immediate groups of people around tend to be other professionals through work or similar avenues. They tend to be really transient here, coming in, staying for a few years, and then moving on. They also tend to be all middle class backgrounds and predominately white. That's not bad in and of itself, but i'm just used to having a much more diverse group of friends.

My friends that grew up in this area I like a lot, but I've just met them randomly. I know I will meet people, but I'm fishing for suggestions on going places and meeting people where everyone isn't an upward bound professional focused on their career and/or more schooling.

(For instance, I made a number of good friends from when I went to Northern Virginia Community College - unfortunately, I'm a DC resident now. I was also thinking that I might have more luck in MD/VA, as suburban Maryland/Virginia residents tend to be more rooted.

Any thoughts would be welcome - i know this question is pretty vague...