Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with maydecember

Should I or shouldn't I?

Anonymous — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:13:41 -0800

I'm a 24 year old woman. A man in my social circle, who is probably at least 17 years older than me, and maybe even more (could be anywhere from 42 to 47) seems to be interested in me. I'm confused, and not sure what to do. Advice, please? My extended social circle contains folks from about age 20 to about age 60. The single women in the group tend to be younger, and the single men tend to be older, which leads to a bit of an imbalance (and a lot of May-December romances--though usually not with a gap quite so large as 17-22 years). While it has always been my opinion that, as far as relationships go, age is like place of origin (a difference in age is just a cultural distance to traverse, just like when you get to know someone who grew up in a different part of the world from you) something tugs in my gut when I think about dating someone so much older than me. (Before now, I have dated men 1 year older than me, 5 years older, and 13 years older. Never the same age or younger, for some reason.)

So far, the extent of his expression of interest has been to invite me to events he's hosting, to share cabs with me after group evenings out, to ask to be on my team when we're doing things like playing pool or Trivial Pursuit, and to show real interest in what I like and what I do in conversation (he LISTENS in that way that people do when they like you, you know?).

I genuinely like him and enjoy his company, and were he closer to my age (even if he were 40!) I'd be gung ho in reciprocating his interest. As it is, I find myself alternately flirting because I do like him, and holding back because the difference in age sends up a little red flag.

I know his expression of interest hasn't been huge, which makes this rather preliminary, obviously, but I think I need to sort out how I feel about this now so that I neither lead him on if the age difference really is too much, nor shut him down if it isn't. What would you do if you were in my situation? What are the questions I should be asking myself to figure this out?

My anonymous email address is phoebe.meryll@gmail.com.

Should I be creeped out by my dad's relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 11:53:47 -0800

Last year my dad and my step-mother divorced after 20 years of marriage. It was not an easy break-up, and my dad was pretty devastated in its wake. While it was wrenching for me to think of my dad being alone in his mid-sixties, I cheered myself knowing that my dad, being a very smart, handsome, together guy with a whole lot of awesome qualities, is definitely a catch and would almost certainly end up with someone terrific. I always pictured him being with some fun, free-spirited woman, probably a widow, someone who could match his intellect, stand up to his occasional bull-headedness, and win the hearts of his kids. He’s now with with someone, alright, but not at all what I’d imagined or hoped for. My dad is now dating a woman nearly 30 years younger than he. The part that’s really, really bugging me, though, is the fact that she is about 18 months older than I. She and I could have been classmates. She’s 36, he’s 64. He is, quite literally, old enough to be her father.

My dad and I are close in every aspect but this. We haven’t fought about it or anything, but on the very few occasions we’ve talked the girlfriend I’ve told him that I support him, but that I am also not at all comfortable with it, so we really just avoid the topic altogether. I really want to turn the situation around on him, and ask him what he’d think if his daughter was boning a 62-year-old man, just to put it in perspective, but I haven’t, because it would be petty and not serve any real purpose other than being antagonistic.

The added layer of ickiness here is this: when I was very young my parents divorced in no small part because my dad fucked the babysitter, who was not above the age of consent at the time. I don’t want to get into a giant flamewar about the questionable ethics of grown men fucking “willing” teenagers here; I mention it because, even though I’ve forgiven him for that long ago and this is a relationship between two consenting adults, it does, in some small way, echo back to that predilection.

To complicate matters further, today the girlfriend e-mailed me for the first time, and in it she included a few suggestions for what to get my dad for Christmas. It wasn’t snotty; in fact, I could tell she was trying to reach out and genuinely be nice, but goddamn lady, you’ve been dating him for six months and already you’re trying on the step-mommy role. I haven’t written back yet, although I will eventually, and when I do I swear I will be polite and as bland as milk.

So my conundrum is this: intellectually, I’m glad my dad has found someone, and that he is happy. Emotionally, it creeps me right the fuck out that 25 years ago she and I could have shared a locker.

Other important facts: I live on the opposite side of the country as my dad, so while we talk regularly I only get to see him once a year or twice a year at the very most. I haven’t yet met the girlfriend, nor do I have any desire to do so for the foreseeable future. Also, they are dating exclusively, but having just emerged from a divorce I don’t think that my dad would actually get married again, at least not for a long, long while. I hope.

I know that ultimately dating decisions belong solely to my dad, and I really want to be supportive of him. I’m just having a tough time not being completely grossed out by the vast age difference between my dad and his girlfriend and the itty bitty age difference between his girlfriend and his daughter.

Am I wrong here? Should I just get over myself and just be delighted my dad found someone he loves? Or is it totally creepy that my dad is dating someone less than two years older than his own daughter? Please help me find clarity and peace here, hive mind. If you’d prefer to e-mail me privately, send it to maydecsux at gmail.

UGH!! I'm no Demi Moore

lonefrontranger — Tue, 04 Jul 2006 16:29:01 -0800

Paging Mrs. Robinson: How should a lady gracefully discourage a Bright Young Thing who seems to have formed an inappropriate crush? Here's the scoop. I have a circle of friends with whom I do a bike ride on a weekly basis. I like all of them, and over the past few months we've developed into a very close-knit group.

One of the guys recently started asking me out, and making it increasingly evident that he'd really like to get involved romantically. He's smart, gorgeous, we have tons in common, we both like the same stuff... so what the heck's the catch?! you ask. simply put: he turned 21 last month, and I turn 38 next month. I personally see absolutely no future for anything but a purely physical fling with this guy -- in the spirit of names-changed-to-protect-the-innocent, let's call him Bright Young Thing. I mean, sure maybe he's into a hookup, maybe he's checking the 'older woman' deal off his List, maybe this is a recent social fad. However, I'm not, and never have been a 'hookup' sort of person, nor am I in any way what one might consider a MI(Y)LF (being disqualified simply on the M portion, forget the rest). Nevermind the fact that I didn't date 21 year olds back when I WAS 21 as I seem to recall (most) guys that age being a huge pain in the tail. Plus I recently stepped out of a nearly ten year serious relationship (admittedly this has left me with a bunch of pages stuck together on the relationship front) AND the final fly in the oatmeal is that I've been on and off dating another (age appropriate) member of the same circle of friends.

In other words, There Be Dragons. Last week it all came to a head when Bright Young Thing asked me to dinner. Maybe I was just being dense or something but I figured it was a group deal so I accepted, only to discover he'd made reservations for just the two of us at one of the fancier sushi joints in town. During dinner he made it pretty clear what his expectations were and that he wanted to continue 'going out'. I kindly but firmly insisted on paying Dutch, kind of avoided the whole 'dating' question, kept things on the down low and left feeling decidedly awkward. Since then he's called several times, has been emailing and texting me, and only the fact that I was out of town camping on a mountain bike trip for the past week has kept me from having to say something. I'm due to meet these guys in a couple nights for another cruiser ride and I'm anticipating more awkwardness from Bright Young Thing... if nothing else he tends to sort of follow me around on the rides like a stray puppy... adorable but... yea. Right.

I super dig this guy on a platonic basis and if he were even ten years older I'd hit it all over town but... yeah. So far the only solution I've come up with is telling myself repeatedly 'he's young enough to be my son... he was born the year I graduated highschool...' and so on.

At the very least I don't want to embarrass this guy in front of the rest of our friends, and I really don't want to make myself scarce in their group because I truly enjoy hanging out with ALL of them. They're a pretty openminded and mature bunch, but I just don't want any unecessary drama b0rking the vibe.

So anyhow, what sort of wisdom does MeFi have to impart on navigating this mess?

-- thanks much, LFR

Pop-culture material about professor-student romantic relationships?

Zosia Blue — Wed, 22 Dec 2004 21:08:38 -0800

I'm in the early stages of writing a paper on professor-student romantic relationships/affairs and am looking for some pop culture to back me up. Can anyone suggest any novels, movies, etc., that deal with this topic? I'm looking primarily for male professor/female student, but the other way around works, as well. Thanks.