Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with masturbation

Oh oh oh!

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:30:49 -0800

Why can't I get aroused on my own and how do I start? Why doesn't masturbation feel good and how can I make it start? Okay, so I'm a early twenties girl in a relationship with a guy, and we have some pretty good sexual chemistry I would say.

He can say something, touch me in specific ways, etc., and the process of arousal begins rather nicely, meaning I definitely get wet quite easily.

He can touch me and it feels great.

However, being that I'm a young female I rather typically haven't spent much time masturbating and therefore don't know how to get myself off or how to instruct my boyfriend to. And basically the advice I've gotten from the internet is to practice...

However, I try to practice (masturbate) and it just doesn't feel at all as good. It feels like I'm touching my arm or something. When my boyfriend does the same thing, it feels great. What gives?

Another thing is that I've read it's better to be aroused before you masturbate... I get no where near the amount of aroused by myself as I get with my boyfriend. Sometimes I think of something sexy he did, and it feels like I'm starting to get aroused but then the feeling goes away even if I continue the thought. It's like an initial sensation and then nothing. And it's not just that the initial sensation is the best, even if I continue the thought (or any other mental fantasy) nothing really happens. I might get a little horny, but never really wet.

I try getting aroused with porn. Pretty much the same thing, even if I'm thinking oh I want to do that so badly, it's like my genitals don't connect to my brain. No or little arousal.

When I read erotica, I get a lot of that "initial sensation" I was talking about earlier. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it feels like things are filling up with blood or something, kinda throbbing. It's definitely a genital sensation, yet after reading erotica for a while, still no wetness or any other physical sign of arousal!

I've read quite a bit of erotica and it's pretty much always the same thing.

I rarely feel... desirous I guess, but this article makes that seem like it's pretty normal. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200907/desire-in-women-does-it-lead-sex-or-result-it

I like having sex and I never turn it down because it's fun, but I feel like those women and don't get desirous until I'm aroused usually.

Another thing (super embarrassing! ) is that my clit doesn't really get erect... unless I'm taking a crap! I don't think I'm sexually excited by excreta, but I think it's just the pushing perhaps forces blood into there or something. It also gets super erect after I've given myself a not so satisfying orgasm with a vibrator. It never gets that erect by myself, and it doesn't even get that way with my boyfriend. I guess it changes size, but not that much.

So main questions are, how do I make masturbation feel the way it feels when my boyfriend touches me? Why doesn't fantasy/porn turn me on much? How can I turn myself on then? Or do I just always need to be with a partner?

Throwaway is throwawaymetafiltercool@gmail.com

Is it wrong to masturbate to one's exes when in a relationship?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 08:30:45 -0800

Autoeroticafilter: Are certain self-pleasuring activities not OK? I have pictures and video of a sexual nature of a couple of my exes. While I would never show them to anyone else and am careful to make sure they remain confidential, I don't plan on getting rid of them.

Since I still find my exes very physically attractive, and I'm not very turned on by most pornography I can find, I tend to make use of these materials for personal satisfaction. I don't think there's anything wrong with this.

What I am wondering about, is whether it is wrong to do this when I'm in a monogamous relationship. I've never had problems being faithful, and I would never date anyone who expected me not to masturbate, or who had a problem with me looking at pornography, but I'm not sure this is the same.

If it makes any difference, one of the exes I don't expect to ever be in contact with again and have no desire to reunite with. Another, I am good friends with and could imagine getting back together if the timing and geography were right, but we're currently platonic and respect those boundaries.

I don't feel that looking at this material changes my feelings towards these people; it just gets me off. But, I could see where if my SO knew, it might be upsetting. Since starting a committed relationship, I haven't been looking at these things because of my uncertainty. I have two basic questions:

Is using these materials for self satisfaction wrong when I'm in a relationship?

Should I talk to my SO about this? I'm not sure I really want to ask permission, since I don't think anyone has a right to tell you how to masturbate, but I really prefer to be open and honest about things. However, I wonder if this is one of those situations where it's better to just keep it to myself.

Penis scars?

Anonymous — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:40:04 -0800

I am masturbating so many times every day (6 or more times to orgasm mainly with my left hand reading erotica - yeah, I can read and work at the same time yo) that I have established a mound of scar over the top of my foreskin. How long should I abstain for it to fall off and what are some ways I should abstain while I am waiting. It's not an STD, I have been to a doc in the meantime. Frodo!

How to help a long-term loner happy with a lady?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:53:37 -0800

How can I make my new partner come?? NSFW details follow. Okay, I'm blushing but here it goes: He (male) and I (female) are late 20s / early 30s. We hooked up maybe a month ago -- hooray!! Neither of us have too much experience (2-3 past partners each). The sex is truly terrific. I do my thing once (or several) times; but he cannot orgasm except by masturbating. It's hard to say this is a "problem" for me, but I want to make him come!! Or at least help. I've tried lending a hand (ha) as well as oral, but I just can't do it myself.

I've read several previous posts on delayed or retarded ejaculation / orgasm for men, BUT they were posted by men. As the woman involved (who desperately wants to reciprocate the pleasure), what advice do you have for me? How can I make him more comfortable and secure with me (in case it's a mind thing) or how can I totally rock his world (in case it's a physical thing)?

If posting here makes you blush, too: anonsextips at gmail dot com.

Why are my orgasms so weak?

Anonymous — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:41:16 -0800

Are my orgasms always going to be this weak? Teach me to do it better! A while back I bought a Hitachi Magic Wand. Previously I couldn't orgasm despite being sexually active and trying by my own hand. I had read that the Magic Wand will definitely solve such problems, and it seems to… except my orgasms are fantastically weak. I’m pretty sure I’m orgasming; my clit gets super-sensitive after , I seem to have involuntary contractions, and I get way wetter.

But.. that’s it. I don’t feel at all euphoric (my mood stays completely the same); I guess I feel mildly sexually satisfied but not really. I guess if I had to describe it I would say it’s just a slightly heightened feeling of sexual arousal or whatever, and this feeling only lasts for about half a second. It’s nice, but it’s not much different from the previous few minutes. Really I would say that happens mostly before the contractions start, then I have to get the vibrator away from me because I get so sensitive. So while the contractions are happening, well, it just feels like contractions really…

Something I should probably mention is that before I start masturbating I’m usually not feeling particularly aroused or desirous or anything, and while I masturbate my thoughts aren’t completely sexual. I guess they are a little sexual, but what I mean is I’m not completely mentally turned on. Like thinking of me masturbating is at least mildly hot so that’s why I don’t think of anything else I guess.

But the point is, I definitely don’t feel the most aroused I’ve ever been in my life when I masturbate like this. I rarely get time where I can use the vibrator without other people around, so I just have to capitalize on whatever time I have, even if I’m not feeling too sexy. I’m just curious about my orgasms. This is a new thing for me and I want to see what my body can do. It’s not really about sexy sex fun times when I masturbate. Would being more mentally aroused make my orgasms better? Or am I just doomed to have boring orgasms forever? The stimulation IS physically arousing at least. And feels pretty damn good for the like minute it lasts. I've tried prolonging the time it takes by teasing myself but that also doesn't make my orgasms better. Usually by then I've started analyzing the situation and that is just not sexy, and makes the experience even less sexy. But I still orgasm, and aren't orgasms supposed to be inherently pleasurable, even when purely manual and not very mental?

Another thing I would like to add is that I have trouble getting super aroused without a partner, which is probably why I don’t feel mentally aroused. Plain vanilla sex to mildly kinky is quite arousing with a partner, but erotica or porn with these themes is pretty ineffective. The only thing that really turns me on without a partner is written erotica featuring a lot of submissive behavior. For some reason I have trouble finding such material that is of a quality I desire, but really I just figured this out about myself recently so I haven’t been looking for too long or too hard. (Is this normal? It seems like if vanilla sex turns me on in real life, I should be able to read about it and feel aroused from it.)

Right now using my vibrator + a partner is not an option.

If you haven’t guessed, I’m young and female, in my early twenties.

So my questions are: will my orgasms get better as I learn more about myself sexually, such as what turns me on and how I like to be touched, or should I just give up on my quest to feel the same type of orgasm everyone else seems to feel and accept this is how it’s going to be? Is my Magic Wand perhaps too powerful, would a gentler or no vibrator give me better orgasms?

Thank you for any advice. I really just want to orgasm in a way that feels good, like everyone else seems to report. Throw away email is comingbetter@gmail.com

Why are my pants parts sending different messages to my sleep center?

grapefruitmoon — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:58:54 -0800

I Can't Believe I'm Going To Ask This Non-Anonymously Filter: Why do I fall asleep after a clitoral orgasm, but not after an orgasm of the vaginal variety? Yep. That's about the size of it. Vaginal orgasms leave me WIDE AWAKE for a good hour or two, but a clitoral orgasm will knock me right out.

Why the difference? What kind of biochemical distinction is going on there? Wouldn't it be the same process in terms of hormones and what not?

Correlations between masturbation and sex

ascetic — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:15:15 -0800

Is there a correlation between how long it takes me to achieve orgasm via masturbation and how long I can last in bed with a woman? For example, if I reach climax in 5 minutes with masturbation... Will I last 5 minutes in bed?

Micro-micro-micropenis?

Anonymous — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:17:07 -0800

So, I think I might have two clitorises. Is this even possible? You're not my doctor, of course. But I won't see her for months, so here I am.

I am fairly new to masturbation (and have not yet orgasmed.) Since beginning to pay more attention to the whole area, I have noticed something... weird.

To the right of my clitoris, right next to it and aligned with its base, is something that looks sort of like a skin tag. Just a tiny little protrusion, not one-twentieth the size of the clitoris. I never noticed it before I began masturbating regularly, because normally it's pretty much invisible... but when my clitoris gets hard, so does it! It becomes engorged and sticks right out, a few mm long and pretty skinny. And, through experimentation, I've found that if it starts losing hardness, gently flicking it will revive it.

It also hurts to rub it (as hard as I rub my clit, anyway) when it's engorged- sort of stings. I actually first noticed it because I was masturbating and started wondering what hurt. Felt like I had rubbed myself raw there, but when I checked it out... nope, tiny maybe-clit. My theory about the pain is that, whatever this little guy is, I am accidentally pulling on it when I try to rub my clit. It's right there, and it's so tiny that it just gets yanked around.

So, has anyone heard of something like this? Could I have two clits? Googling "two clitorises" mostly yields "no two clitorises are alike," plus some Yahoo answers nonsense. But I have heard of guys being born with two penises. Am I just making up nonsense here, or could there be something to this?

Death grip has me in a tight spot.

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 17:49:06 -0800

How can I resensitize my penis after excessive masturbating? (NSFW) Over the past year and a half, I've been masturbating daily to porn. Unfortunately for me, I use a death grip. I also don't use lotion or lube when jacking.

I also started taking SSRI's, which made it harder for me to cum. Thus, my death grip got even tighter.

I've now met a lady, and she wants to have sex. Unfortunately, at this point, I don't think I can orgasm without the death grip.

How can I resensitize myself so I can have sex with my new lady?

For followups, please contact me at chronicmast at gmail.com

Girl who can't come with partners. If sleeping together only winds up making everyone unhappy, why do it?

Anonymous — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 19:01:47 -0800

I'm a girl who hasn't been able to orgasm with a partner. It's been a major issue in my relationships. Is there really any point to having sexual relationships? (explicit but unsexy text) I started to get myself off when I was about 12, courtesy of the showerhead. I didn't learn how to masturbate manually until around 17. I've always had a high sex drive, and once I learned how to get myself off, I never had any trouble with it. It was so reliable that it never crossed my mind I'd have any difficulty orgasming with a partner. When I started sleeping with someone at 19, and it didn't make me come at first, I was completely sure we just needed a little time to readjust, and then everything would be awesome and simple. Years later, I still haven't adapted, and nothing is awesome or easy.

For me to come, it takes 10-20 minutes of me rubbing my clit. Position, comfort level, and trust all play big roles in timing, while arousal/foreplay has a relatively small effect. Basically the minimum has been 7-10 minutes of me just rubbing my clit, ideally while lying on my back with my legs tensed. Most vibrators feel nice but don't get me anywhere, but the Hitachi Magic Wand does work.

I've tried everything I can think of to break this pattern. I'm not on any antidepressants or other meds that can cause issues. I almost never use my Magic Wand; I haven't used a showerhead in years. I've spent hundreds of dollars on all kinds of other toys for partners to use on me. I've had long-term partners, both serious relationships and trusted FWBs, work on it over the course of months. I've had the occasional one-time thing seeing if they might introduce something new that might do the trick. I've questioned the assumptions I made about who I'm attracted to. With open-minded partners, I've tried plenty of various levels of kinky shit, and wound up liking some of it (light BDSM). I've discovered my G-spot and my deep spot and the joys of anal (all very nice, but not enough). My relationships definitely aren't PIV-centric. And yes, I've abstained from masturbation for months, hoping eventually my body would get frustrated enough for a partner (hell, even my left hand) to trigger an orgasm.

And I still cannot come with a partner without 10-20 minutes of right-hand quality time. So my question is less about "what else can I try?" -- I think I've tried everything -- and more about whether it's fair to a partner to try to have a sexual relationship, or whether it just sets us both up for disappointment and misery.

Of course there are aspects of sex I like other than just the orgasm -- I love pleasing my partner. But that makes me understand how much a partner wants to please me, and how awful you feel when you can't. Also, almost everything feels really good, even if it doesn't make me come . . . but to me a session isn't good if I don't wind up coming eventually. I feel dull and achy and kind of clogged, and can't sleep for hours -- in short, I get blue balls (ovaries?). For me, sex without any hope of orgasm is eventually not worth it. I'm not at all strictly quid pro quo -- for example, I'm happy to give a blowjob without thinking about reciprocation. I just want something, sometimes, that's not totally one-sided.

I love it when a partner helps me come -- by fingering me or fucking me or using a toy or doing anything else that doesn't interfere with me rubbing my clit. At first, everyone is all GGG and great about saying the right things -- "don't stress, don't apologize, I'm fine doing this." But after awhile (whether it's weeks or months) the tune changes. It does get boring for him. He feels like he's not contributing, he can't please me the same way, I could be doing exactly the same thing solo (no matter how much I try to persuade otherwise). He avoids pleasing me, or cheats on me, or dumps me. And -- because I do really love pleasing my partner -- I understand why.

I feel like it's my fault, obviously, for not being up to par. But I also feel like I'm misrepresenting myself or deceiving him. I have a high sex drive, and I'm warm and responsive. If you're making out with me, you would never guess you couldn't make me come. Even when we do get in bed, I'm enthusiastic and not dead-fishing it . . . but it's just. not. enough.

My guy friends tell me how thrilled they are when they find a partner who comes at the drop of a hat. I feel like a gorgeously wrapped, highly anticipated Christmas present -- that winds up containing dirty, mismatched socks. I almost wish I were simply anorgasmic.

#1: I feel like I can never have a sexual relationship that's fulfilling for myself and for my partner. So why do I keep trying to date when it only makes everyone involved unhappy? Shouldn't I just be friends with these guys and save everyone the hassle and upset? This is a serious question. I might be missing out, but it would make life so much simpler, and everyone involved -- not just me, but hypothetical partners -- would be spared a lot of pain when it turns out we're mismatches.

#2: Have you ever been in a long-term relationship with someone like this, and honestly, how much did it hurt the relationship over time? Everyone* says "oh, it doesn't matter, sex isn't the most important thing, I'm happy to be with her blah blah blah" -- and then it winds up mattering. A lot. So are there people who would honestly be able to handle it long-term? If so, how do I select for them? (I'm also concerned that if a guy legitimately didn't care about my issues getting off, his only goal for sleeping with me would be pleasing himself, which is obviously not the kind of mindset a generally awesome/unselfish/sexy person has.)

*Sample size: 11 people I've been naked with, 6 I've received oral from, 2 I've had vaginal sex with, 1 I've had anal sex with. Most but not all were guys.

I know this is a private thing -- I'm guessing there aren't a lot of people who will openly say "yeah, I really liked this girl but she couldn't come with me, and it was such a source of conflict I ended things." So please feel free to e-mail me at convergeretc AT gmail. Thanks so much for whatever advice or experience you can share.

Can a Male have Multiple Orgasms?

Anonymous — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:55:48 -0800

Possibly NSFW question about male masturbation. I'm curious about what I'm doing and if anyone knows the name for it so I can try to read up about it online. When I am masturbating I reach a point where I realize that I'm going to come. At this point if I stop touching my penis, I will ejaculate a seemingly normal amount of semen and have what feels like a light orgasm. At this point, I can immediately begin masturbating again, and come again in anywhere from 5 seconds to a minute. This second ejaculation is much smaller, but still something is produced, and the orgasm feeling itself is usually stronger.

Since I realized I could do this last year, I have been working on improving this skill so that I can have 2 or 3 of these "light" orgasms where I come after no longer touching my penis before I do the final one where I continue stroking all the way through. This final orgasm where I am continuing to touch myself puts me into the refractory period where I am unable to get hard again in a way that ejaculations where I am not touching myself do not.

Are these multiple orgasms, or is there some other name for it? Does anyone else do this? Can anyone think of any reason why I should not be doing this? I don't want to be doing something strange that might mess up my penis or my ability to have "normal" sex with other people. I have been having regular sex with other people during the year since I've discovered this without any change that I can detect.

I've read about a fair amount of sex online and haven't seen this discussed, so it's made me quite curious and I'm looking for any other information about what I'm doing. I can also be reached at male.multiple.orgasms@gmail.com

what do you think about while masturbating?

krautland — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 07:46:34 -0800

I'd like to know what other people think about while masturbating and how that differs from what they think about while having sexual intercourse. I'm currently seeing a person I have been excited about for some time. that's a PG way of saying I thought about her while touching myself. I thought about what it would be like with her. I'm fortunate in that she was every bit as stunning and enjoyable in reality as imagined. yet the experience left me momentarily confused: I couldn't get my mind to race in the way I liked to get where I wanted. fantasizing about someone while they are actually there struck me as rather futile since reality is being checked against any imagined fantasy the very moment that fantasy comes up. so while I had no problems finding things to do with her I did find it tough to find something arousing to think about. I had to find a different thought pattern that might do the trick for me while being intimate with her.

so that's how this question got started. I wondered what other people think about and how that changes when they are with someone else vs. when they are alone. I realize there are a good chunk of people who enjoy sex the most when it clears their heads and they aren't thinking anything in particular but I am different and I'm curious about others that are.

Bedtime stories

Anonymous — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 08:13:01 -0800

Find me stories (books, movies, links, anecdotes) of how two ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged people met, and learned to care for each other. I like to fantasise before I go to sleep. I build the fantasies gradually up into romantic/sexual masturbatorial aid. Romance novels are crap for this because they have gorgeous young heroines with an uncanny ability to flirt and young Fabios eager to engage in rigorous and prolonged intercourse with them. They are not helpful in with my fantasy construction - I have to be able to imagine me in the story, and I am not gorgeous nor young nor can I flirt. However, I’ve worn out old memories & scenarios and need new vanilla-ish ones.

Good examples are from the first kiss thread excepting of course, that I’m a couple of decades (or more) past first kiss, so those precise scenarios won’t ring true for me. The guy helping out with the car and the hot chocolate here sounds like an ideal candidate, but I’d like a bit more padding to the story, like when & how does he approach their first night together sort of thing.

I’m introverted, so plain old fashioned dating is not a tranquil fantasy setting for me. Instead, how about enforced togetherness (snowed into a cabin, hostage situation, I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking) where I can impress with trivia, and active listening, but not be on dating display and he can snuggle with impunity (must cuddle to stay warm, needs to support my impressive gunshot wound, that sort of thing). My hero needn’t be a rich man or particularly fit, he mostly needs intelligence and kindness, and that will make him hot to me, and of course, it helps if he finds geeky, creative women sexy, even if they are over 40 and not girly-girly.

So stories please of ordinary, quiet, straight middle-aged couples meeting and lusting. Throwaway email: fantasy.enhancement@gmail.com

Ejaculation from Masturbation

Anonymous — Wed, 06 May 2009 08:39:36 -0800

When masturbating, upon what do you ejaculate? This is indeed a gross question -- I acknowledge that in advance -- but I imagine there are Mefites who are un-self-conscious enough to answer.

Over the years, I've probably contributed to half of the deforestation of the rain forest. Plus, using Kleenex can occasionally present a ... er, small target.

I'm wondering if I'm missing some very obvious alternative, one perhaps more eco-friendly. At the same time, I think that I -- and probably society in general -- would find the thought of "re-use" of something a little icky, no?

Dreaming about public indecency

Anonymous — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 07:30:59 -0800

I'm constantly dreaming about masturbating in public. Is this normal? If not, how can I stop? Background: I'm a 25 year old gay male with a pleasantly active sex life. Recently, within the past six months or so I would say, I've suddenly started to dream about masturbating in public.

I have one of these dreams usually every other night, although sometimes several nights in a row. Nothing in particular seems to trigger them and I'm not aware of anything that might have started it six months ago.

The dreams all follow a standard formula: I'm hanging out in a public venue -- sometimes a parking lot, somtimes a neighbor's front lawn -- church, work, the grocery store, the side of the freeway during rush hour, in my car during rush hour, on the set of a TV show, etc. when suddenly I dream that I have the irresistible and overpowering urge to masturbate.

I start doing the deed and usually end up getting arrested or otherwise "exposed" by family or friends (who are usually laughing at me). I'm not sure if it makes any more sense, but these dreams are usually immediately followed by dreams of catastrophic disasters (tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, etc.). They so often follow each other, actually, that sometimes I wonder if they are just two parts of the same dream.

Normally I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to stuff like this but the frequency and vividness of the dreams is starting to disturb me. I'm not used to having ANY vivid dreams every night or every other night, let alone weird/nightmarish sexual dreams.

So, is this normal?

If not, is there anything I can do about it?

orgasms aren't supposed to be a headache :(

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:57:31 -0800

I get headaches when I masturbate. Give me advice and hope, please? I'm female. I'm in my twenties and seemingly healthy. Until recently I was enamored of my Hitachi magic wand and the orgasms it brought me. (It's been the only way I've been able to orgasm--my hands don't do it for me.) But for the past few weeks, every time I start using it, I get pain in the back left part of my head within about sixty seconds, and it tends to escalate into a headache that lasts for several hours. I've been abstaining for a few days to a week and then testing the waters again, but so far it's still happening (and I stop immediately once I feel the pain - it seems to remain more mild if I stop masturbating right away.) Today I tried after a ten-day break, in a chair sitting up instead of lying down (in case I'd been moving my neck in a bad way while lying down and that was causing this) and still got the pain :( Taking aspirin an hour before hasn't helped either, sadly, nor has the small dose of propranalol I happened to have around. (Sometimes that's prescribed for this problem.)

I've done some googling and discovered that this happens to some people. I also realize you are not my doctor and it would be wise to speak to one, although I'm waiting for my health insurance to kick in before I do that. I'm hoping to hear anecdotes or advice about this, especially from other women - apparently the phenomenon is more common in men, so much of what's online is about/by men.

I'm finding this pretty upsetting, maybe even more so because I've never had sex (yet). I'm worried that this will never go away and I'll never get to enjoy sex with another person without worrying about this crappy problem and (if they even work) preventive meds and whatever else modern medicine might sugest. Did this happen to you? Did it go away? What sort of doctor/workup/treatment did you have? Was it related to your emotions at all? If it happened with a vibrator, did it also happen during sex?

Anonymous email address for follow-up questions or things you don't want to post publicly: blarger@gmail.com

The Conquering Hero "Comes"

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 22:19:41 -0800

My girlfriend can't get me to orgasm. Plenty of NSFWness inside. My girlfriend and I have, in short, reached third base in our relationship: fingers, hands and tongues everywhere. No sex (yet). She's the female equivalent of Jizz In My Pants: she can get off from a gust of wind. OK, not really. But with minimal massaging I can get her to come in under a minute.

I'm not so easy. Before meeting this great girl, I had never been touched below the belt. So when my girlfriend's hands slowly went towards the groin...I felt ticklish and cracked up loudly...real smooth. Every time she tries again, I manage to smother my laughter, but I just don't get the thrill I expected. Dry hands hurt more than help, and saliva or blowjobbing makes it only slightly better. After a few minutes I get close, but I plateau there. Five minutes, she's ready to give up and I'm lying there apathetically.

Having satisfied myself with my hand for way too long, I'm worried I've desensitized myself to anything that's not me.

What's wrong? Is failure to orgasm normal for those who haven't experienced this stuff before? Is it fear? Excessive masturbation? What can I do?

Relevant side note: Peeing is laborious too. Even in an empty bathroom it takes me several minutes for me to start urinating.

When you masturbate for "practice" do you wear a condom?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:30:16 -0800

Guys, a question about 'practice' masturbation... If/When you masturbate for the purposes of having better control and stamina during actual sex, do you wear a condom? This would be, presumably, to give a better feel for what sex will actually feel like, and thus give you better control when you get back to partnered sexing. jackhoff@webname.com if you need it

I'm disgusted by what turns me on. Please help.

Anonymous — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 08:25:04 -0800

It seems like the only thing that can get me off is extremely unpleasant written erotica (details inside, to keep the front page clean). Do I have a problem? Should I see a therapist? Background info that might be relevant: I'm female, North American, raised Catholic but not at all religious, 20, and I've never had a sexual or romantic relationship of any kind. Hell, I've never even been kissed. I'm pretty sure I'm straight, but the jury is out on whether I'm asexual (I've never really felt sexually attracted to someone else, but I figure I haven't had enough experience to be sure).

I discovered masturbation a few years ago. Porn does nothing for me; I only seem to orgasm from written erotica, of the sort that can be found at the alt.sex.stories text repository and other places on the net. The problem is, the vanilla stuff is no good either. What turns me on is really horrifying and taboo content - we're talking rape, torture, pedophilia, sometimes all three at once. If I try to keep reading afterwards, or by the light of day, I'm disgusted with myself because of how vile it is, and sometimes I tell myself "never again!" but I usually manage to convince myself to rescind that in a few days or weeks. So - is this something I need to get help for? If so, is it because I shouldn't feel so guilty about things, or because I'm a despicable human being to be having this fetish in the first place?

On the one hand, I tell myself that it is only written erotica. There is definitely no one getting hurt (if I watched porn, I might be less fully convinced, but I don't so it's moot). On the other hand, if things like this and this are happening - and I read more than enough "people who like this stuff make me sick" comments on those threads - then surely people are seeing some sort of inherent wrong in material of this sort. I know that I would never rape or hurt someone - the idea of even, say, slapping someone in anger turns my stomach - but even disregarding my personal qualms, I only read male-on-female stuff and being female makes it kind of impossible to act out that scenario as an aggressor.

If this is something only confined to the dark hours of the night in my bedroom, is it still wrong? If it is wrong, can I really do anything about it aside from hate myself? I think it's been around forever (though I didn't think of it as a sexual thing until recently), since I remember reading a rape scene in a (crappy sequel to) Dune book when I was pretty young and it caught my attention in a way other sex scenes hadn't. Can something that hardwired really be ripped out, and will I have anything left after? Would I accomplish as much by just giving up ever masturbating at all?

Anyways, I'm sorry for being a bit disjointed and rambly, and very sorry if I've offended or disturbed anyone reading this. I'm confused and ashamed and would rather not see a therapist, since I'm far from wealthy, but if there's nothing else to be done I suppose I will have to take the plunge. If you're uncomfortable answering here, I have a throwaway account at : sickorjustsick@gmail.com. Thank you very much, anyone who answers; I really, really appreciate any counsel your wiser heads have to offer.

Here there be orgasms. (NSFW, clearly.)

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:22:33 -0800

NSFW Sex Question Inside: I can't orgasm without holding my breath. I'm a low-20s male who masturbates frequently, has had sex often enough with a decent enough number of ladies, and I'm finding myself having a lot of trouble plowing through and getting to orgasm quickly.

I think I put a lot of emphasis on "holding out" and "lasting longer" which is fantastic until doing so causes you to wear out (I'm not in great shape, but I'm not ridiculously overweight or anything) and lose your erection for a couple of minutes.

Even while masturbating, even, say, to porn (which is frequent enough, and has been for some time), if I'm not holding my breath, I can lose my erection. If I am holding my breath, I run out of that ability at some point and get VERY CLOSE and then have to take a breather (literally) and, well, lose it. It's wildly frustrating to not be able to just push myself over the edge until the third or fourth or fifth run through of this.

This is an issue in any position, with incredibly attractive ladies or alone with porn or alone with imagination. It's absolutely annoying because I'm young and healthy (though a bit out of shape) and feel like I should be able to get an erection, maintain it the entire course of whatever I'm doing, and orgasm.

Instead, I get an erection, maintain it for the first 5-10 minutes of sex, sometimes more, sometimes a bit less, and then need to take a break, mostly because I hold my breath to build up the sensation. If I force myself to breathe normal, I can go a bit longer, but if I don't hold my breath at some point, I don't build up to the fever pitch I need to and I lose it.

So what the fuck have I done to myself? I don't have "performance anxiety" in any traditional sense. I'm confident and I've been complimented plenty and I make sure the lady gets hers one way or another, but I'm getting tired of losing an erection *during* sex because I'm fucking up at managing my breathing. That might be a red herring, but it's certainly what appears to be the case.

Please help here. I don't feel like I should need to be on the blue pill. I get very hard, large erections, wake up with them, have them easily through regular exciting foreplay stuff... but I definitely can lose them during sex after just a few minutes, and I'm not sure what to do.

I've definitely had sex the gain-erection-keep-it-orgasm way a bunch of times, but it's felt like that's not been doable for the past year or two, with no major physiological differences in that time frame. I've done the holding my breath thing for about forever, but I need some insight on what I'm doing to myself.

I'm aware of the erotic asphyxiation kink, but I'm not hanging myself or looking to get into that—holding my breath is just something I did manually because it felt better to build up like that. But now, it feels as if it's the only want to maintain an erection and this is no good for me, since I can only hold my breath for so long. (The length of time dropping dramatically the more... active I am.)

Any insight? I'm trying to masturbate more in single sessions, instead of holding breath, backing off and restarting, which has been a bit of my MO lately. I'm also trying to stop with the holding breath thing in general... Anything else? (And yeah, I've had a few "whoops, that was too fast" moments. But damn, not in a long time. I get into the out of breath/take a break situation a LOT more, which isn't better by any means.)

Thanks!

and I can't seem to get off when he tries..

Anonymous — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 13:24:19 -0800

Has all my masturbating messed with my sex life? Want too much information? I'm a female. 20 years old. Never had much of a physical relationship with guys in the past, but I've been masturbating for years.

Now, I'm seeing someone. We haven't had sex, but when he tries to finger or go down on me, there's...nothing. No build up, nothing. I'm pretty sure the problem is that I've been masturbating the same way since I started experimenting and I usually orgasm REALLY quickly (...in, like, a couple of minutes).

I've probably trained my body to get off one way only, right? I've tried telling him what to do, mimicking what I do by myself, but to no avail.

I like him. A lot.
Help!

multiple orgasm: pro or con?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:05:49 -0800

Very NSFW question about female self-pleasure. You've been warned! I am a woman. I am a woman who likes to masturbate.

I have been totally psyched to find out in the past week or so that when I smoke pot I am capable of multiple orgasm, like, to the extreme. I'm not talking about squeezing out an extra one or two through self-discipline, which is what I've infrequently managed before. I mean, I enter an orgasmic state that can last a while (as long as I want, over 30 minutes even), and in that state have multiple peaks, on the order of dozens. I can't keep count, that's how many.

Yeah. It's pretty awesome.

But it's also kind of foreign. I've always had a voracious sex drive, I've been masturbating for probably 22-23 years and having sex for 15, and I've been a one-orgasm lady 99% of the time. I've always avoided pot during sex because it once ruined an otherwise fun night by making me totally dry -- mouth and lady parts -- but this phenomenon makes that inconvenience worth it. (Plus I have no partner right now or in the foreseeable future anyway.)

- I'm in my mid-30s; have you experienced an awakening like this later in life?
- Is this the sexual peak I've read about?
- Why does this only seem to work when I'm high? What mechanism is at work? Is it relaxation on a level I can't reach when sober?
- Is it possible to learn to do this when sober? What do I need to do?
- Is it lame to only be able to do this when I'm high? (I can still climax when sober, but only once each go-around.)
- Is this attractive to sex partners, or would it seem weird or circus-act-like?

(Please note that I live somewhere that this kind of pot use is legal and not taboo.)

What biologically causes the pleasure associated with an orgasm?

WCityMike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 17:46:54 -0800

What are the underlying processes occurring during an orgasm that are the biological causes of the pleasurable sensation we associate with it? Is the sensation of orgasm a function of the nervous system, or is it something neurochemical in the brain, or both, or neither? Is the reason that certain masturbatory and/or sexual acts feel good because of nerve concentration in the erogenous areas, or is it something different or more in nature? I'm primarily interested in answers relating to the male orgasm ... as I expect the male orgasm and the female orgasm may have different biological processes given the different anatomy?

And just to ward off any wisenheimers, I obviously understand the idea of Act A produces Obvious Biological Result B and Happy Sensation C. What I'm curious about is the underlying medical process behind that equation.

Help me find 'porn' (and decide on a toy) for my female friend.

simplethings — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 13:57:39 -0800

Can you help me pick a toy and "porn" for my female friend? My best female friend (I'm male, fwiw) recently mentioned that she wanted me to help her find a toy. In the 8 years I've known her she's never masturbated. The furthest she's gone solo is what she calls "squeezing" and it happens randomly about 3 times a year--she'll just wake up in the right position, squeeze and hold her inner thigh muscles for a good 5 minutes. After she does it she'll proudly call me to talk about her accomplishments. Squeezing never gets her an orgasm, it doesn't even get her hot and bothered... it's just mildly pleasurable.
She had a few hang ups on masturbation (e.g. it's scary and unexplored, un-lady-like, doesn't know how, etc.) and she's never taken a mirror down there to even see herself so I'm glad she wants to move in this direction.

Instead of shopping for a toy with her I'd like to surprise her with one. Right now it's a toss up between a Rabbit (a la SATC's Charlotte--my friend is a huge fan) and the oh-so-popular Hitachi Magic Wand. Which do you think would be the best for a first-time masturbator (with a good amount of experience in the intercourse department)?

I'd also like to include visual stimulation to get her in the mood but porn actually turns her off.
The only sure fire video I know of that gets her extremely horny is The Notebook. It's so potent that she regularly uses it with foreplay when with her fiance.
I'm looking for similar movies/tv episodes/video clips that have this same appeal (and are available for purchase or download). I'm not exactly sure what it is about The Notebook that turns on the heat for her so I'm hoping someone here can relate.
It might be the guy in me talking but I feel like it should be short. I personally wouldn't want to be watching TV for 2 hours just to pump one out... but, I could be (and probably am) wrong. Maybe it's the plot and character development that turn her on and a 3 minute clip isn't enough to realize the depth of one's soul?

Any ideas?

I Can't Get Off, So How Can I Cool Down?

Anonymous — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 05:49:47 -0800

A problem with female masturbation. I'm a 26 year old woman and I can't masturbate to orgasm. Doesn't happen. With a partner, there's no problem at all. But on my own? There's no release. Let's just take it as given that I can't come from masturbation. Maybe some other day I'll try to fix that but for now it's just a limitation.

I still like to masturbate, though. The problem is that, without any release, I can't find any comfortable way to stop masturbating. After some time, I just want to stop but my body wants me to keep going and going until I'm sore, stiff, sticky, and sweaty in all the bad ways. It's like an itch I can't scratch.

I want to masturbate, even though I can't orgasm. I also want to be able to stop masturbating comfortably when I get tired with it. So what can get me to calm down, physically, after I've done it as much as I want?

The cliche for guys is to take a cold shower. What could help me get my body to stop itching for more?