All the marriage-related "to do" lists I've found online are aimed at wedding-related activities. What about all the stuff that has to do with designating each other one's chief emergency contact, legal financial partner, etc.? I mean, I told my car insurance company that I'd gotten married and they were like, "GOOD THING YOU TOLD US. THAT CHANGES THINGS." So....yikes. I know I probably should be declaring my husband my emergency contact and heir and whatever, but I'm just not sure what TO do, exactly, and I can't find a good list to guide me. In short, I am soliciting all your "don't forget to do this now you've got a spouse" tips, no matter how big or how small.
Please help me navigate the waters of handling an inheritance. Question inside. [more inside]
My husband is a good guy. He consistently provides me with solutions to problems that a) aren't actually the problems, b) cause more work and stress for me, and c) perpetuate purchases instead of pitching in. I need help. But not like this. Advice on/scripts for discussion, please? [more inside]
I'm wondering if anyone knows of a marriage ceremony (or marriage ceremonies) from anywhere in the world in which the bride isn't "given away" as in your standard Christian ceremony? Specifically, I'm wondering if there are any in which the father (or whoever) and husband make an agreement to jointly care for the bride. Of course, I know ceremonies can basically be custom-tailored these days, but I'm wondering if there are any traditional ceremonies in which this is a thing. Really just random curiosity (and potentially future planning ;) )! Thanks, everyone!!
My spouse sometimes eyes other women, almost always the same "type." I find this absolutely gutting, especially since I don't fit that type. How can I deal with it better? Snowflakes below the fold. [more inside]
My new guy does not like dogs the same way I do. Mainly he believes large dogs should be outside at all times because then if they poop he doesn't have to clean up large poop. He states he's a dog lover. [more inside]
Please suggest in-depth, emotionally intelligent, not overloaded with cliches and gender stereotyping, books about: marriage, marriage therapy, the psychology of relationships etc. [more inside]
My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We started dating at almost 20. We generally have a good marriage, good communication, and love each other. However, several times over the past few years, my husband has told me that he is not attracted to my body. He still thinks my face is pretty and we still have sex about once a week, 2x a month if we're busy, and it's good. I'm having trouble getting past the fact that he feels this way, though. I'm angry and resentful. How do I move past this? [more inside]
We have a great relationship. For lots of reasons, it would make sense for us to get married in the near future. But she wants kids, and I'm not sure I do, or ever will. Would getting married be a bad idea, particularly if the likely alternative is to break up? [more inside]
In the Western world today, what differences or disparities (if any) still exist between the genders in terms of legal rights, responsibilities, and protections broadly related to marriage? [more inside]
I have a running joke with my girlfriend regarding an over-elaborate way that I want to propose to her, what I'd love to do is catch her completely off-guard by actually pulling it off! [more inside]
Can you link me any music in which not wanting to get married is mentioned? Examples would be Archie, Marry Me by Alvvays (from which the titular lyric is taken) and Burnin' Through the Nite by The Sweethearts ('don't wanna get married'). The song can be about anything, just so long as not wanting to get married is mentioned somewhere. And I'd prefer to stick to songs outside of contemporary mainstream pop.
I am 28, female. My boyfriend is 27. We’ve been dating for almost 2 years. He has consistently talked about marriage, “someday when we’re married” etc. and I don’t doubt he really meant it in the moment. But, as seems pretty typical, I get the feeling that his “someday” really means “after you’ve dated me for 5-6 years and we’re both 31.” I don’t want to wait that long. [more inside]
Was it typical/usual/done at all for immigrants to the US (20th century, pre-WWI) to marry in the United States even if they had previously married in their country of origin? [more inside]
I'm a woman in San Francisco. Where should I go and what should I do do to find a man who wants marriage and a child in the near future, say 1 - 3 years? Specific examples of worked for you and for the people you know as well as concrete advice would be great. Thanks! [more inside]
Oh geeze… Help me get over being a commitaphobe… Or reassure me that sometimes relationships that start in your teens are not doomed to failure just because conventional wisdom says they are. [more inside]
Can HIGH risk HPV be transmitted by performing oral sex? [more inside]
Have you attended an intensive couples therapy retreat, or gone through an intensive couples therapy experience? Do you know about outstanding programs that are worth traveling for? Please, please share with us. My partner and I are going through a crisis, and we're looking into intensive couples therapy and retreats to jumpstart our work. We are interested in considering all excellent programs, but we are also open to hearing about terrific therapists in the Chicagoland area who may be willing to work with us intensively. If you worked with an amazing therapist in the Chicago area, please let us know. We are having a super difficult time right now and would be grateful for information and recommendations. [more inside]
A very close friend (American) is marrying someone from another culture (Iranian), and they currently both live and work in another country (Singapore). They love to travel and neither of them are religious (in fact, both are atheists.) I'm helping them design a wedding ceremony and am looking for a non-religious poem or reading that compares love to the experience of travel and/or encountering new cultures. I've searching online fruitlessly. The couple seems not to like Rumi-style romantic poems, so something more wry/modern would be great. Thank you MeFi!
My partner and I will be taking advantage of Colorado's unique self-solemnizing law, which allows couples to marry themselves (no city official or pastor or even witnesses required.) That means we can create a meaningful marriage ceremony that appeals to us and only us. Thing is, we're from the midwest and need some ideas of great places to wed in Denver. No traditional wedding spots needed. We like hiking and legal marijuana smoking. Difficulty level: we want to do outdoorsy things in winter or early spring. We also enjoy arts and culture events or sites. We need your amazing ideas please. [more inside]
My husband and I have been living in a 1 bed apartment for 2 years, and for the sake of our marriage, we need to move somewhere bigger. We're looking to rent for the next year or two at least. I have a good credit record but my husband doesn't (his credit score is around 600, he has around $5000 in medical debt in collections dating back to a period 4-5 years ago when he was uninsured). What are our options? [more inside]
He's proposed marriage before, and did again in a very serious way and context last night. I've always said no, but this time I told him I'll think about it. I can't tell if this resistance I'm feeling is real objection or a function of my pride. There's certainly a case for us getting married, but there's also a case against marriage being right for me. [more inside]
The short version of the story is that I am married but kissed a colleague at a work Christmas party after several drinks and a lot of flirty dancing. The long version of the story is that this seems to be the culmination of a couple of years of emotional uncertainty and I think I might be having some kind of mid-life / life stage crisis and I'm struggling to figure out how I can get through it. [more inside]
We may be losing one of our children and we're having a hard time coping. My wife and I cope in very different ways. And it seems to be pushing us apart even though we love each other very much still. I don't know what to do. I've never lost a child. I've never been divorced. Our home;life is suffering. It might be better if we didn't have to worry about paying hospital costs, but I think our coping behviors are grating on each other. And we know this. But we can't stop it. We really love each other and we go to counselors, but for the most part they're for when you're not getting along with the other person. This. This is something else. Are there grief counselors for couples who also are marriage counselors?
I read (somewhere?) a quote by someone (an author? poet?) that when a relationship (marriage?) ends, a little language shared by the two is lost. I've googled all sorts of combinations of these words and cannot find it. Did I hallucinate this? Thanks!
We're in this cycle, where the worse he feels, the worse he acts toward me, the worse I feel, the more I need kindness, the less he is able to provide it, the angrier I get, the worse he feels, repeat ad nauseum. [more inside]
My partner and I are divorcing after eight years, with the initial paperwork to be filed before the end of the year. However, we are still sharing a house (but not bedrooms). I am looking for a place to live, but realistically it will be mid-January, at the earliest, before I can move. We both have acknowledged this and have both expressed okay-ness with sharing the house in the interim. My question is about dating and ethics (I guess?). [more inside]
It's been a long year for Draccy. I've separated, started divorce proceedings, had a huge mental health scare and am currently battling loneliness, shame and desolation. My hand aches where my wedding band used to be. I used to fidget with it. I miss it. So here's the scoop. [more inside]
I make inconsistent demands of my wife regarding details about cleaning and whatnot. It drives her nuts but she mostly puts up with it until she is tired of dealing with it, and we argue. It breaks my heart that I'm putting her through this but I also feel angry that she doesn't try to negotiate with me somehow. Not sure if what I'm asking for is fair or not but I'd like to resolve this so we can both feel satisfied and happy. [more inside]
Will it be best for my kids in the long run? Will the inevitable guilt and loneliness be better than staying with a seemingly unchangeable loveless unhappy marriage? [more inside]
I got married recently. Now we're working through the Life Event Change processes of our respective companies. Here's the puzzler: If I'm reading this right, at my company, Medical is $90/month for myself, $300 for myself+spouse. At my wife's company, it's almost the same. This implies that it would be cheaper for both of us to be insured separately than together. What am I missing here?
What are some truisms that you know of or have learnt through your personal experience when it comes to deciding whom to marry? What are some good rules of thumb to finding the right partner the first time around? [more inside]
I'm a 40-ish married man. How do I stop being infatuated with a younger woman that I know very well? [more inside]
My fiancee is wonderful, everyone is excited for us, and I think I'm miserable. Please help me figure out what is going on with me, and/or tell me I need to get professional help. [more inside]
For those who have been cheated on: how did you deal with the heartbreak? For those who have cheated: how did you deal with the guilt? Would like to hear from those who were in very long-term relationships (10+ years) and whose relationships did not survive. [more inside]
My husband keeps pulling up my clothes and rubbing my belly (not pregnant, not trying to get pregnant, dear god I can only imagine if I was). It's meant to be affectionate but I HATE it. I've told him to stop, but he keeps doing it. I think my problem has less to do with the touching (although I really, really, really don't like it and resent having to apologize or explain it) and more to do with the fact that I explicitly asked him to stop but he has not. This makes me irrationally angry. Am I overreacting by moving out of our bedroom into our spare room? [more inside]
Going on three years of marriage after a tumultuous two years of dating and an even more tumultuous engagement. I got married because at the time I was 33 and I thought my time was running out. I wanted to get married and start a family right away. Then I realized I don't love or even like my husband very much at all. [more inside]
I don't feel sexually attracted to my spouse anymore. What now? [more inside]
Spouse and I are struggling. We're busy, we're cranky, we're over extended, we are both feeling unappreciated and unheard. We have some of the stereotypical gender based dysfunctional interactions. We are having the same damn fights. Though more frequently because of life. There's no big drama, but we aren't being as nice to each other as we should be. We aren't supporting each other the way we should. [more inside]
Can you recommend some books about marriage that have touched you in some way? Fiction or non fiction. [more inside]
My husband engaged in particularly hurtful nonphysical cheating, and I had to catch him at it to find out. Now when we talk about it he seems remorseful, but that remorse doesn't translate to the rest of our life. How can I handle it and what should I do? [more inside]
We are getting married. I want to protect her against my personal debts- IRS and old student loans. Are these loans transferable to a spouse? Leaving aside for now my financial management issues, is there anything (New York State) that will shield her?
I'm getting divorced. As a non-primary caregiver with joint legal custody, should I ask to stay in the marital house on the weekends, in order to be with the kids? [more inside]
I'm officiating my first wedding next week (Exciting! Scary!) and working on final details. I really would like to include a quote from Jane Jacobs, the couple's hero. “Neighborhood is a word that has come to sound like a Valentine. As a sentimental concept, ‘neighborhood’ is harmful to city planning. Sentimentality plays with sweet intentions in place of good sense.” is what I'm currently playing with, but it's not quite hitting the spot in a way I'd like without over-explaining it. Urban planning and sociology nerds: can you suggest any and all Jane Jacobs quotes that in some way connect with love, community, and growth? I welcome truly any thoughts you have, and feel free to share a bit about how you might use it. THANK YOU!
Five days ago my wife told me she wants to separate permanently. Everything since then has been a blur. I'm interested in hearing from others who have gone through something similar, to know how you made it through. [more inside]
On the weekend my mother gave me her engagement ring to propose to my Girlfriend with. What worries me is that the diamond isn't large enough. [more inside]
I met a wonderful man who is smitten with me, and I with him. We have been talking on the phone for two weeks (we met online), and have had four fabulous, fun dates. He expresses that he really likes me. He is 37 and I am 30. He has been married before, and I asked him why they got divorced, and he explained to me that she developed bipolar disorder I with schizophrenic tendencies about 3 years into their marriage, and she could not get stabilized. She had multiple trips to the psych ward while he was in med school, and it was really hard on him. He was studying to be an anesthesiologist and the final straw was when his wife called his residency hospital and told them he was poisoning her with intravenous drugs. Well, that would all be fine and good, except...I have bipolar II. [more inside]
I come from an affectionate family; my husband is physically affectionate, but he says "I love you" to me basically on my birthday and Christmas (you get the gist). I've told him recently I'd like to hear it once a day or more, that it means a lot to me to hear it. [more inside]
We have two little kids (almost 2 & 5). We love our two little kids. We're finally out of the pregnancy and infant stages, and maybe starting to get a little bit out of everything being in crisis mode all the time. But it's been a hard few years, and although our marriage isn't doing badly it feels like we really need to start working on us again. I'd like to hear from those of you a little further down the line of what you did to rebuild yourselves as a couple once your kids got a tad bigger and you could breathe again. [more inside]
I'm in the US on an F-1 visa, finished my Ph.D. and am currently on the post-degree OPT period which expires next May. My girlfriend and I have decided to get married so that I can stay in the country. We're in a bona fide relationship but have only been dating a couple of months, don't live together, and don't have the kinds of documents that most married couples can show to prove their marriage (e.g. joint lease / bank accounts). We’re getting a lawyer, but are also hoping to get some advice here from people who have been through the green card process. [more inside]