Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with marriage

Why am I in love with my husband's best friend?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:10:02 -0800

I have an excellent relationship with my husband. So why am I in love with his best friend? And what, if anything, should I do about it? My husband and I have been together for ten years, we have a kid, and I love being with him. Our relationship is fairly egalitarian and we have an active sex life. So why can't I stop obsessing over this friend of his? He lives very far away from us, and we don't see him often. But if I'm even in the same state as he is I begin to think about him. A lot. The last time we visited him I just couldn't stop thinking about him for weeks afterwards. We do not flirt and I don't think he knows how I feel about him and I'd like it to stay that way. I should say that my husband is far more attractive than his friend and we are MUCH better suited to each other than his friend and I would be. This isn't the first "crush" I've developed since my husband and I have been together, but it is the first one that didn't go away. I have no interest in leaving my husband and I don't think I'd have a better relationship with his friend in any way. But it doesn't stop me from dwelling on him in my mind and I'd like it to stop.

I think it's related to wanting to feel the "new-ness" of a relationship all over again. Having been with my husband for a long time, even though it's a great relationship, doesn't have the urgency of a new relationship. Of course if I ever pursued anything with anyone else (which I would never do while I am still together with my husband), eventually we would reach the same point that I am at right now, missing the feeling of being passionately and newly in love again.

Why doesn't my spouse let me see his/her facebook pictures?

Anonymous — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 08:20:37 -0800

Is this normal? Would you be worried if your spouse blocked you from seeing his/her pictures on facebook? My life partner, let's call him/her LP, blocks me from seeing any pictures on facebook tagged with "LP’s name.” LP has photos, albums posted up on facebook, but has not changed LP's privacy settings to let me see these photos.

I know this because LP and I often spend time together when one of us is on facebook. We'll send each other interesting things we've found when we’re apart, or when we're together, we'll say, "Hey, look at this!" We’ll talk about friends in common, and just generally share our facebook lives like we do our meatspace lives.

We've been partnered up for a long time. LP is, I understand, a private person. And I'm pretty sure that LP is not cheating with someone, or putting up pictures that would be explicit or shocking.

I just don't understand why LP would not allow me to see LP's photos. If LP isn’t having an affair, then this doesn't make sense to me. I've asked LP a number of times why this is the case, and LP has said, "I don't know," or "I'll fix it," or "why does it matter?" This makes me kind of sad, because we both work, and spend many hours each week apart from each other. I think it’s nice and reassuring to be able to pull up a picture of LP in the middle of a typical boring work day.

So this is my question: if your spouse did not let you see your spouse’s photos on facebook, would you think it was weird? Are there any circumstances that would make it seem more or less weird? If you asked your spouse to change this, and your spouse refused, what would you do? I guess it may be obvious that our life partnership is pretty much like most others, with good points and bad points. But that’s probably another question.

So, if you’ve read this far, and if you care, you may feel you need to know more. It’s for you that I’ve set up an email account that you can follow up with me on –
anonymailone-askmefi@yahoo.com.

Keep a name from a previous marriage?

Goodgrief — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 13:43:13 -0800

I am divorced and retained my married name because I like it and it suits me, and my kids share it. I would like to keep my name, even if I married again. I am dating someone casually who has mentioned that anyone he would marry would have to change her name to his. What is the hive opinion of keeping a name from a previous marriage? Is this unheard of? Should this be a dealbreaker?

I actually WANT you to be my lawyer!

matty — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:02:44 -0800

Mr. Matty and I are looking to get 'everything but married'... but how? And by who? After 7 years together, Mr. Matty and I have decided to do the legal paperwork to get ourselves as closely hitched together as possible - even though we can't get married. The house is already in both our names and we have a joint checking account, but we want to do all that we can to ensure we're together... durable powers of attorney, palimony?, survivorship stuff, etc. etc. If you can tell, I have no idea what we really need to do to legally maneuver ourselves into an approximation of marriage.

1. We're gay. (duh)
2. We live in Fairfax County, VA. No we're not moving.
3. Mr. Matty is active duty military, so no we're not running off to Massachusetts to tie the knot.

We don't have any gay friends in the area who have done anything similar, nor do we know any lawyers, so we don't really have any contacts we can call on.

Can anyone point me in the direction of a law firm in Northern Virginia who has experience with such situations?

Am I inappropriately worried about his drinking?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:25:54 -0800

I get annoyed with my husband when he drinks. Is this the beginning of a drinking problem, or just MY problem? He's never been violent, missed work, driven after drinking, or had any trouble with the law.

He likes beer. He doesn't drink every night of the week, but when he does, he tends to binge drink. To me, it appears he can't (or doesn't want to) stop after just a few, even if that is his stated intention. It's normally 6+, and tonight it was 13. After going out for drinks at a bar, he will often stop off at a store for more beer to bring home, even if it's late at night.

The problem is, once he passes a certain point (usually around 5 beers or so) I start to feel distinctly uncomfortable with his behavior. He acts silly. He does mildly embarrassing things. He sometimes slurs. He becomes overly affectionate, and also overly sensitive if someone (normally, me) is not amused by his behavior. For some reason, after he's gone past buzzed and into "getting drunk" territory, I start to dislike him. I feel angry, even a bit repulsed.

We've had a couple of screaming fights when he's been drinking, which is not normal for us. Once or twice I've even told him that I just want him to stop drinking altogether, or learn how to drink in moderation (not to the point of drunkenness), but I worry I'm being too controlling. He has attempted moderation in the past, and he's even "stopped drinking" a few times, but it doesn't last.

I can be very nagging and overly controlling in everyday life (I am aware of this, and I do make an effort not to be), and I suspect part of his drinking is one way of escaping the anxiety he feels about this, and maybe also a way of working up the courage to confront me on it, since he normally won't when he's sober.

When he's drunk, sometimes I feel like he's spoiling for a fight, and I've told him this. He's taken it under consideration and is making a distinct effort to not be so sensitive when he's been drinking. I've also agreed to stop needling/nagging him about how much he drinks. After all, he's an adult and has to make his own choices, and I admit that I have been kind of overbearing about this. I'm hoping that, if I take the pressure off his drinking for a while, he might eventually find his own middle ground because he won't be resenting or rebelling against me.

I took the al-anon quiz recently, and only scored on like 3 of the items, which is very borderline/inconclusive. It doesn't exactly fit our situation, but something is distinctly not right here.

Bottom line: I can't tell if this is the start of a serious drinking problem, or if it's just me being too controlling and nagging.

In either case, I am unsure how to proceed.

How do I tell my husband about my secret savings account?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 09:37:06 -0800

Before we were married, I set aside money because I thought I might have to leave him. He changed and I stayed. Now we have an emergency and we need to use the money. How do I tell him where it came from? Before we were married, he was sometimes emotionally abusive and I was afraid he'd become physically abusive, so I set money aside in case I had to suddenly leave. It was never a huge amount. He went to therapy, got on medication, and we went to couples counseling. He is no longer abusive and I married him. I love him absolutely and am committed to the relationship and this money is not a safety hatch.

He knew about the account before the wedding, because I used it to save for the honeymoon and deposit gifts for the wedding. He has obviously forgotten about it and I have not said anything because I was waiting for a real emergency (he is not very responsible with money and I did not want him to spend it on things we do not need). I have been unemployed for months and he is barely employed. We are scraping by for now but we are going to have to get some cash fast. I only have about one months rent in the account.

We have been seriously stressing about money lately, so he will be furious if I'm like "oh by the way I have this amount saved up that I didn't tell you about." I am not afraid he will be abusive, just angry. I am afraid he won't trust me. I was honestly not trying to keep this money for my own purposes, I was saving it for a dire emergency, and this is it. Now I feel like I've waited too long to say something without him getting upset.

Can't find the wife.

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:13:02 -0800

How can I find out if I am still married? Back in a previous century, this Canadian guy was living with a student from overseas. (It was a standard boyfriend-girlfriend situation, lest someone assume that marrying someone from abroad is only an immigration scam or a mail-order bride deal.) When the end of her visa was approaching, things went south in her homeland and she would have been in danger due to her ethnicity, and the best short-term answer I could find to help her stay here was to marry her. We went to city hall with some witnesses and said the words.

Everything was fine, and two things happened subsequently: the situation in her homeland calmed down, and we drifted apart. First we were together, then we were living separately, then work took me away to a different city. We lost touch. She had my contact info but didn't use it. When I came back to town a few months later, she had moved from her last address and the people she had been living with said they had no forwarding address.

This was over ten years ago. Since then I have consulted with friends in both the RCMP and the Canadian Border Services Agency but they have no records of her. I have contacted every mutual friend we had, and no one has heard from her. Fifty or more Google searches for every variation of her name (including with my surname) have turned up nothing. And my final attempt (friends living in her home country) report that my last hope for contact, her parents, are no longer at that address and indeed there is no one under that last name in any phone directories for that city.

At this point, I am either still married to someone I have not seen in a decade, or divorced, or a widower. How do I find out which? If I want to get married again, I do not wish to commit inadvertent bigamy.

I realize that this question could be construed as asking for advice on stalking someone, but there is honestly no unpleasantness in our history together. We grew apart and split up amiably... if I never see her again, I am fine with that, but I just want to know if I can move on with my life. And while I know YANML: if I cannot locate her and must assume we are still married, how does one start divorce proceedings in the absence of one's spouse?

Throwaway e-mail at amistillmarried@live.com

Well then what's the sex for?

kthxbi — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 21:28:04 -0800

My mother is under the impression that a wedding ring (ie the band that you add in addition to the engagement ring) is the only way to "consummate the marriage in the eyes of God" ... where is she getting this from? I've never heard such a thing. [Bonus-filter] How do I convince her that using the same ring as both an engagement and wedding ring is ok? My "I'm pretty sure God could care less about jewelry" didn't go over very well. For what it's worth I'm not religious, she is Lutheran, and she is aware of my feelings (and not happy about them).

marriage support forums

drlith — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 15:21:16 -0800

I'm looking for recommendations of on-line marriage support forums that share some of the features of the Usenet group alt.support.marriage in the good old days. I was an active participant in several Usenet newsgroups in the alt.support.* hierarchy, especially alt.support.marriage. Sadly, the group has declined in quality and usefulness in recent years, and I stopped posting/following a couple of years back.

I'm looking for an alternative online marriage support forum/message board that shares some of the qualities of alt.support.marriage in "the good old days," where a reasonably large group of regulars provide the opportunity to explore questions and concerns that unfold over time--or sometimes to simply vent--and not just seek specific answers to a single question.

Are there any high-quality marriage forums out there?

Book about living together.

Mickelstiff — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 13:58:17 -0800

Help me remember a large coffee-table style book about marriages or being together. I had it bookmarked on my old computer, and didn't bring it over to my new one. It was a large (coffe table) book of various saying by couples about being together. Young, old, multi national and was written or compiled by a woman. It was about 3-4 years ago if I remember correctly. I kept it on file for when my daughter would get married, and guess, what, she just got engaged.

Marriage gifts for coworkers in India

hackwolf — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 07:31:37 -0800

Help me find excellent wedding gifts for my coworkers in India! Both of the guys that I work with in India are getting married next week, and I just found out about it. I live in the US, so obviously I can't attend, but I'd like to get them each something nice for their wedding and as a thank-you for a year of hard work on this project. I'd like to keep it around $100-150 USD per person if possible, but they don't have wedding registries and I'm culturally clueless (even about my own culture).

I've been working with both of them for about 9 months now, but we've only met face-to-face once and I don't really know that much about them other than they're nice enough to chat with in the company canteen, so I don't know of anything really personal that I could get them. I'd be happy to give them cash, but I'm not sure how that would be taken, and if $100 would be seen as too stingy or too generous as a personal gift. We're all employees of HugeComputerCompany that has an employee discount store, so there isn't much in the way of consumer electronics they can't get for themselves cheaply. If it helps, one of the guys is local to Bangalore, the other is from up north (though I can't remember exactly where); one is an arranged marriage and the other is a love marriage. Also, I'm not their manager, but I am the technical lead on the project they're working on.

Help me find a comedy bit about gay marriage?

macfly — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 20:21:28 -0800

Help me find a comedy bit about gay marriage? I remember hearing or (less likely) reading a comedian talk about gay marriage and how when the U.S. finally accepts it we'll be all self-congratulatory about it in a 'USA is #1' kind of way. Then it went on to talk about all the times other counties had 'beaten' the US to civil rights - I specifically remember a mention of how England eliminated slavery via a vote of parliament years before the US fought the civil war. I've been going through a Patton Oswalt phase - I can't find it in any of the stuff of his that I have but I haven't been exhaustive so he's still a possible. More likely it's someone I found on YouTube, probably via a link from an Oswalt bit. Dan Savage is another possible source but I haven't been able to find it via google.

Help? It's like one of those ear worm songs that you can't quite remember but can't get out of your head.

How do you save a marriage after an affair?

wantstobeadesigner — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:27:19 -0800

My world is destroyed after an affair. I desperately need advice. Its a long story... Please help. This is such a long story... I will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We just got married 3 months ago. About 4 years into our relationship I had something blindside me. A married man came on to me. Before I knew it, I was involved in an affair with not only this married man but another younger, single man as well. This went on for less than a year before I broke both of them off completely. Neither of the relationships were meaningful beyond a lust level.

I tried to carry on with my life like nothing happened and never told my bf. We got engaged 6 months later. He still had no idea. My guilt never really went away. I went on antidepressants. My personally was changing. It was killing me and us.

Then, six months after the engagement the truth started to come out in the form of rumors. Many of which were true but I continued to deny it. I told my fiance half truths thinking I was protecting him. I told him that I was having feeling with the younger guy but I never admitted anything sexual happened... I also completely denied that I had anything to do with the married man fearing that his family/young kids would be destroyed. In hind site I cant believe I ever committed such horrible acts. I had convinced myself it never happened.

I went on living a lie for a the entire next year. Several times I was asked if there was more to the story and I was always to scared to fess up. I went on with lie after lie. His fears were very founded and never subsided. I went through with the wedding, we bought a house. Three months later I cracked.

He was begging for the truth and I started to give it to him. He was so upset he left, made plans to move out and he wants this relationship to end. Here is my problem. I am so desperate to try and make this work, but I still am too scared to admit the whole truth. I know he will go to the married mans wife and I am so afraid that I have done enough damage and dont want anyone else to feel this hurt. I am really guilty and so so ashamed. I cant stand the idea of how this additional information will hurt my husband. I know I am in the wrong but still want to save my relationship. What should I do???

Couples / marriage therapy in Round Rock / North Austin, TX?

Alias Unknown — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:15:35 -0800

Need to find a therapist for my husband and I in the area. Preferably not affiliated with any religious organization. Need to make the appointment soon. Wanted to go to CAMHC, but they're booked up until January. Recommendations?

Have you taken back your mentally ill partner and wish you hadn't? Or wish you had?

Toto_tot — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:33:02 -0800

Do you do this? How do I escape the pattern of going back to, because I can't resist helping, my (I think) mentally ill (or unstable/intense) husband. See, he's not all bad... Do you regret going back? Do you wish you had? My husband of 17 years is one of those very smart, creative, super-funny people that are sometimes (not all the time) crazy. When I met him we were both had theater and music careers. I'd never met anyone like him and he pursued me to another country. We married, worked in the arts together, and had a child. Let me say this off the top, he is an awesome father.

But he is also the most 'intense' person I have ever met and I have, as my therapist says, "managed" him from the beginning. You know the dysfunction--making sure I never made him too mad, making sure he was okay with whatever we were doing... etc. He was a pothead and when angry, intensely angry (never physically). But he's also funny and smart... etc, right, you know....

By the time my daughter was four, I had basically checked out, was on the way out the door, when he woke up to that fact and got sober. He's been sober for 8 years. It's weird though, he's always held it up as an example of how he changed for the sake of the marriage and 'where was my change?'

Anyway, blah blah blah there were good times and hard times. He really stepped up and became an excellent husband and father. But I still sometimes managed him (his anger was under control), and watched as he seemed to build resentments and destroy relationships outside of the marriage, work relationships more than personal.

Flash forward to this past spring and summer where we had one friend die super young (42) and another diagnosed with cancer. He had the pressure of finishing his Masters... He stopped sleeping, became hypomanic, destroyed one of the most valuable professional relationships he had, displayed (mild but definite) delusions of grandeur.

Then 2 months ago he started an affair with a woman half his age (44 and 23) and left me in a frightening, explosion of verbal abuse witnessed by our 13year old. He set up a place of his own and she practically lived there. He has started drinking again, although I don't know how much.

That wasn't enough for my co-dependent self to call it quits. And now that it's settling down, and he can see that he and this woman have nothing in common, I am faced with the decision of taking him back.

And of course now he is smart and insightful and penitent. And of course I understand that I am certainly culpable in any relationship problems that led to an affair. Our daughter misses him. And I still love him. I do.

I believe that he is an undiagnosed bipolar and/or some other personality disorder and so how can I leave him? IF HE GETS HELP, how can I turn away? And the more depressed and distraught he becomes the more I feel sorry for him and can't imagine also taking his family away from him. Yes, I can suck it up and work on our marriage--I know I can--and I know that it will be good and bad again, like all marriages. But what if it all goes horribly wrong again in three years... Trust is definitely an issue, along with the list of resentments toward me that he has dredged up in our arguments and discussions. But those are issues for couples therapy....??? I am already seeing someone on my own, as is our daughter.

Anyone out there have a similar experience? Take your partner back and wish they hadn't or turned away and wish they hadn't? I miss him but I'm also kinda relieved. More than anything, I feel like I'm dying inside on a daily basis.

Help me help my wife

alshain — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:37:24 -0800

My wife has confidence, self esteem issues. We have been married for four years and we have two kids. I live in Canada and she's from S. Africa. She lived there all her life until she was 22. We met there. Got married there. But now live in Canada. She is finding it difficult to adapt. The life here is very different for her. One of her biggest obstacles is her accent. Also, because she has lived in S. Africa for so long, she finds it difficult to connect with people and family from here.

I live with my parents. Which doesn't help. It's a culture thing. Family business doesn't help the matter either. My brother who is married to a Canadian girl, lives a few houses down.

My parents connect with my brother's wife than they do with my wife. My wife usually gets left out of the loop. She is also shy and likes to keep to herself. She is very soft spoken and a very kind person. Problem is she takes garbage from everyone - can't stand up for herself.

How do I resolve this issue? I know I have a few issues going on here.

Grow up or build a time machine?

Anonymous — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 10:19:36 -0800

How do I make it feel like home? Is it possible to develop a sense of family with your partner eventually, or should it have been there already when you were dating?

I've been with my partner for a long time, and, I confess, I only got into the relationship in the first place because of all the magic and romance I felt at the time. I didn't think it would get serious, but I was very much in love and fantasized about marriage. We got married, it's been awhile. I still love him very much, but for lack of a better term, I find myself feeling homesick. His family is nice, not quite warm and fuzzy, but nice, and kind. WASPy types. They don't live near us, which is fine, and exactly what I thought I wanted when I used to dream of having my own family. We're in our thirties, don't have kids, no house, and we've kept our money and finances totally separate with no desire to combine our assets into one account or pool.

Maybe I'm being stupid, but I don't feel like a family unit with my partner. I don't care about the the accounts, it feels more like a symptom of whatever is wrong with me. I feel like we're in a long-term dating relationship rather than a marriage. I don't think I want kids with him (he's a little high strung and anxious, a lot of the time now as he nears his forties, qualities that I don't think go away when you deal with children), we've had two abortions already (which possibly started this feeling I had that we weren't a real family or he didn't want to be a real family).

My own family is overseas and far away. I miss them and can't see them regularly due to distance and work. The way I felt growing up was so lovely and warm. Here, no matter how much my partner says he loves me, it feels like there's some isolation and underlying tension between us. He says it's not supposed to feel warm and and nurturing and unconditional the way it was when I was growing up because we're not children anymore. I don't know if my expectation that we should feel like a little family instead of people who are cohabitating are off or if this is a sign that this isn't a good fit, or if there are ways I can make it feel like a family.

Master of my fate, but not of my baby shower?

mynameismandab — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:23:57 -0800

ETIQUETTE FILTER: Why is it taboo for an expectant mother to publicize her own baby shower? I'm not good with social graces, so someone please explain to me why it's okay to publicize/send out invitations to your own wedding, but "tacky" to publicize/send out invitations to your own baby shower?

Both events are celebrations of significant life events. Both are traditionally hosted by a third party external to the celebrants (although nowadays both may be paid for by the celebrants themselves). Neither carry an expectation of a gift--in neither celebration is a gift required for admission. OR conversely, BOTH carry an expectation of a gift--there are registries for both events at just about every major retailer in the country.

I was thrilled when I found out I was pregnant with my baby boy, and eager to celebrate with my friends. As soon as I told her the news, my good friend T asked if she could throw me a baby shower.

In order for T to know where to send the invitations, I had to get addresses from people, so they knew an invitation was forthcoming. My hostess also created an event page on Facebook, but needed me to actually be an administrator in order for my friends to receive the facebook invitation. So on the event page, I actually had to send facebook invitations to my own shower.

My husband and I paid for our own modest wedding at a time when it was nearly financially devastating for us to do so. We sent out our own invitations and didn't have a registry (we could have used cash, but never made that known to our guests). NOW we are financially stable and don't need people to buy our baby supplies for us. We just wanted to commemorate the birth of our first child together.

However, we acknowledge that not everyone can afford the expensive but necessary items (travel system, breast pump, diapers, etc.) all by themselves and can benefit from the kindness of their friends and family for items like clothes, bibs, and blankets. Isn't that why people create registries in the first place--how else do their friends and family know what they will need?

People can invite people to their own weddings and include registry information. But people cannot invite people to their own baby showers, and invitations Certainly are not supposed to include registry information. But when my friends have these kinds of major life events, I want to know exactly what kinds of things my friends are needing. A published registry would help me buy useful, appreciated gifts for them.

Both weddings and babies can be expensive and the celebrants of both could benefit from the generosity of their guests. So what gives? Why the weird double standard?

Also, what if no one offers to give a shower for a mom-to-be? Why is it tacky for an expectant mom to invite people to an event to share in the joy of her upcoming new arrival? Especially if the mother-to-be is in financial need?

What should we do for our anniversary?

jpdoane — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:12:59 -0800

Help me plan a romantic evening for my wife for our anniversary Our 6 year anniversary is on Sunday. I'd like to do something special for my wife. Most of the times we go out on a date we usually do the cliche dinner and a movie, or something super informal like shopping or coffee shop. I figure that the anniversary should probably be a few notches above that.

Things I'm already planning on:
nice flowers,
dinner at fancy restaurant,
drive to a park and ask her to dance under the moonlight (did this once when we were dating)

I need something else to flesh out the evening, but I'm drawing a blank. We are in a small city in the midwest with not much urban/nightlife activities available (and thats not really us anyway). Unique, fun things are great, and it doesn't need to be too formal, but it should be somewhat romantic. Budget is loosely ~$100 (although I'm all ears for more elaborate really awesome ideas)

Overnight options would be ok, but Ive done the hotel room or B&B thing the past few anniversaries, and thats nice, but it might be a little predictable.

Yes, I am aware that I should have planned this earlier. I do have most of the day tomorrow free to plan/coordinate whatever I need.

(I looked and didn't see many similar questions on AskMe, which kinda surprised me. Most were location specific. If theres onther threads with good ideas that I missed, I'd love to see them too)

Working abroad? Sweet. LDR? Not so much.

azuresunday — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:19:47 -0800

Visafilter: I've been hitting a brick wall with the Japanese consulate regarding same-sex partners and dependent-visa eligibility. Any Mefites have experience with this sort of thing? I'm a guy in my mid-twenties with a same-sex partner about the same age, and we've been together for six years. I've just been hired to teach English in Japan this spring, which I'm really excited about, and my SO has an interview lined up with the same company this weekend. I'm fairly confident he'll be hired as well (he's got much more teaching experience) but just in case, we're applying elsewhere and researching alternatives, including visa options.
I've found several unofficial websites like this one which mention it's now possible for a married same-sex partner to sponsor their accompanying spouse.
I've tried calling the local Japanese Consulate in Seattle to confirm or deny this, but the visa officer was out, and it seemed like no matter how I phrased the question, all I got back from the woman I spoke to was "Japan doesn't have a domestic partnership visa," which felt like a canned answer and didn't actually address my question.
What I want to know is whether a married (or in Washington State, domestic-partnered) couple is eligible to apply for the already-existent dependent visa, or perhaps some other type of visa I'm not aware of.
The SO and I aren't married - we've discussed getting hitched but we've held off due to R-71, and given the general lack of information from the Consulate, we aren't sure whether becoming domestic partners in Washington would do anything for my partner's visa eligibility anyway. Maybe a state offering full-on Marriage would be better?
I'd really appreciate any advice from Mefites who have either Japan-specific experience or those who have successfully negotiated similar problems before. Anything helps, really. Please let me know if you need more information, and thanks in advance.

How can I help make same-sex marriage legal?

Mrs. Pterodactyl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:46:22 -0800

The legalization of same-sex marriage is very important to me. What can I do to help? I don't have much money to donate and I'm wondering what avenues would be best in terms of volunteering my time. Quick background, in case this is relevant in any way: I am a woman married to a man, my mother is an Episcopal priest who agrees with me on this issue and I live in DC so I don't have any congresspeople to whom I can write. What can I do to help make same-sex marriage legal throughout the country?

Divorce, even if nothing is bad?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:24:39 -0800

I (male) have been married for a number of years (~10). Nothing is necessarily bad about our marriage, but I've felt that we've been lacking passion since before we were married. It just never seemed to matter enough to be worth a divorce.. except that it does matter in the end. I'll try to keep this reasonably short.

My wife and I have similar interests, went to school together (civil engineering), hang out together just great. We're very good friends.

At the beginning of our relationship, we started as friends, and she did not want to start dating as she didn't feel that way about me. I persisted (for whatever reason it is that you fixate on someone), and we eventually started dating. We went to movies, we played video games, we went to art shows, etc etc.. we have many of the same interests.

We never had a period of time at the beginning of some relationships where we had sex more than a few times a week. Over the years, it has only grown more infrequent (sometimes once or twice every couple months). I don't remember how much I was attracted physically to her before we dated, but she quickly gained weight in our relationship, and I haven't been attracted to her since. I like her as a person, but I never want to have sex just because she looks good. It's generally more my hormones or she pushes for it.

In terms of being attracted, I've tried tricking my mind in many ways, I've tried "just having sex", I've tried looking at porn first.. I just like skinny / fit girls. And I like my wife, and she's sensitive about her weight. She's asked before (in somewhat of a horrified tone of voice) if I wasn't attracted to her anymore because she was fat. I denied it and had sex.. every time she asks. I couldn't imagine how much it would hurt her to agree.

She's thought about losing weight sometimes, I invite her exercising, but she just doesn't have much motivation. We've argued about it a few times (me, trying not to be too pushy), and she says she just doesn't care enough, and it's too hard, etc etc.

My wife and I were almost divorced around 6 years ago due to a relationship she had with another male. I ended up with another woman for a few months, and we really hit it off physically. I was pleased to see that I was not lacking hormones and a sex drive. My wife and I ended up getting back together due to multiple "relationship fixing" books. I assumed at the time that we had just had problems communicating. (the issue at the time was us spending too much time online, not enough time with each other, etc)

Now I'm thinking that I should have recognized that there are other important things missing from the relationship, not so easily fixed with a book.

We've been planning on having kids for awhile (I just turned 32), and I'm concerned. Our relationship isn't horrible, but it isn't great. She has a job, I have a job, we have no kids. If we divorce now, we split assets. If we have kids, the entire situation becomes much more complicated.

I've decided at times to just stop thinking about divorce and continue on with life, but it pops up later when I find myself feeling dissatisfied. Part of the reason I'm posting now is that I feel much more satisfied about everything else in my life lately. I like my work, I like my friends, I like my fitness level, etc. I feel that I've been really improving myself over the last few years, and my marriage is lagging behind.

Questions / problems:

I'm not sure if I'm only not attracted to her due to her weight. If this is the only problem, then I should really tell her the truth it seems, and give her the choice to lose weight. But what if I tell her to lose weight, and she does, and I'm still not attracted? I also don't feel that forcing her to lose weight is a good relationship strategy.. first, it seems very rude. Secondly, what if she gains back the weight in 5 years?

Assuming it's not just her weight, what else leads you to feel passionately about someone? I "like" my wife a lot. I feel extremely empathic about her. I protect her. But some people drool over their spouses, say how wonderful they are. I'd really love to feel that if it's possible for me. But what if it's not? Do you feel that everyone has a chance for something better than a "good" marriage?

As long as I'm making this long post, I'd love to hear from people who either have a passionate marriage, or didn't and do now..

Friendship after Marriage

macross city flaneur — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:25:57 -0800

I keep noting a familiar pattern among my friends who "settle down" - either in marriage or a long-term relationship. They inevitably seem to cut themselves off from their friends and refuse to leave the house, even on weekends. Job situations remain a stable variable from their earlier, more social lives - the only thing that changes is the seriousness of the relationship. Kids being a time commitment (and source of exhaustion) I understand - but many if not most of the couples I'm describing do not have children. Is this "normal"? Or is it dysfunctional? What causes it, do you think?

Geographical differences of opinion

imabanana — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 22:47:29 -0800

I'm married and we want to live in different geographical areas. Is this fixable in a way where everyone will feel satisfied? So when I got married I didn't realize my wife was so attached to Ohio. I knew she was very devoted to her family, so I probably should have put two and two together, but we were barely scraping by at the time and couldn't have afforded to move anyway.

A year or so after getting married our financial situation improved and we decided to move to Atlanta for awhile, just for a change. One of her friends already lived down there so it seemed like an especially good fit. Unfortunately once down there she got pretty depressed, lots of days she basically just watched TV. I on the other hand thrived, was playing tennis in a couple of different leagues and making friends that way and was doing really well. I wanted to help her find things to do and meet people, but she doesn't play sports, and that's how I find socialization so I felt out of touch.

We then got pregnant and she wanted to move back to Columbus, so we did. That was a year and a half ago, our lease is up, and I've brought up the idea of moving south again. I've told her we could consider moving back when our son is ready to enter kindergarten, and that I would fly her home at least three times a year + come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

She is thinking about it, but it seems like she would be miserable moving again. I am miserable here in the winter, I gain weight every winter from inactivity, and am somewhat depressed every year in Ohio from October or so until spring, which in Ohio is basically April or May. Living in Atlanta was an epiphany, I'm pretty sure I suffer pretty severely from seasonal depression and just didn't know any better until I saw that people live a different way.

Should I just give this up? Just to be clear, it's not like this is a dealbreaker or anything, I'd live in Alaska if that's what I had to do to be with my wife, but at the same time I'm worried one of us is going to end up resenting the other in this situation. I know the old motto "Happy wife, happy life" and I agree with it, but I'm finding it difficult in this case.

Ideally I'd like to either make the situation good enough for her to be ok with moving or somehow find peace with living the rest of my life in Ohio. Any suggestions on either count would be much appreciated, thank you.

Tired of all the cliche's

Anonymous — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 07:39:13 -0800

Harry and I got married when I was 42. Ours was a rocky relationship at its worst and absolutely riveting at its best. Even today the passion we share and yes, even the fights we occasionally have are intense, but all the laughter, that is what kept us together. We are sharing our 25th wedding anniversary on our wedding day this December. We are writing vows and I wanted to know what are the little things in relationships that made you love someone the most? I feel like all the things I want to say are cliche I need inspiration. I don't want to disappoint him.