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How to survive early marriage counseling?

After several years of problems -- I repressed all my complaints, my spouse just sulked silently and suggested I "get over it" -- we finally started marriage counseling, and the trauma and upheaval of having this all out in the open is unbearable. How do people make it through? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 10, 2014 - 19 answers

The "how" and the "who first"

While my concerns about divorcing my spouse are numerous, there are two in particular that I could really use some advice on. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 3, 2014 - 20 answers

Should I tell hubby about my poor behavior?

About 15 years ago I behaved badly. Should I tell my husband about it? Ordinarily I'd say no, it's in the past. But there are some complicating factors. Help me figure out what to do. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 29, 2014 - 29 answers

Marriage in trouble, wife refuses relationship counseling. What next?

My wife Jane and I are in our 40s and have been together for eight years. We got along well for the first few years, but things have been steadily going south since then. In theory, we both want to improve our marriage, but we are not making much progress on our own. I could use some advice. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 21, 2014 - 48 answers

Help Me Not Use My Partner's ADD As A Crutch.

My partner, who I love dearly, has Adult ADD, which means, among many symptoms, he gets "stuck" at work and has trouble transitioning out of work projects. If he is particularly engaged in work this means he does not come home until 10 p.m. or later. Sometimes he pulls all-nighters at the office. Spouses of ADD partners, how do you create your own routine in the midst of disarray? I don't want to assume he will fail -- i.e. not expect him home until after 11 p.m. -- but frequently that is what he does. It feels cold-hearted to assume I will be spending the evening alone, but if I am to make my own healthy habits, it seems I must make them solo. How do I create healthy habits in the midst of uncertainty? I want to encourage him to come home and spend time with me, but I'm aware that counting on him to be home and participate in shared activities sets me up to fail. Help me, hivemind (and any stories of thriving with an ADD spouse would be much, much appreciated!!). [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 14, 2014 - 9 answers

Love him, leave him?

Please help me sort out my long-term thinking about my very good but maybe not perfect relationship? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 15, 2014 - 23 answers

How to stop thinking about my relationship?

My marriage is in limbo and I need to stop giving it so much emotional energy. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 1, 2014 - 23 answers

Concerned with husband's recent forays into binge drinking

My moderate-drinker husband has twice in the last month drank to the point of repeatedly vomiting. These binges are out of character and deeply concerning. Should he see his doctor? What can I do? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 25, 2014 - 42 answers

Am I uptight, or is he being a perv?

I'm a woman in my mid 40's, and my husband is in his early 50's. We've been married over 20 years, have 3 great kids and a relatively good life. But our sex life has taken a weird turn here lately (at least for me). [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 16, 2014 - 39 answers

How do I settle a housework dispute between me and my partner?

How do I settle a housework dispute between me and my partner? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 7, 2014 - 26 answers

Committing to a monogamous relationship when previously polyamorous

If you were previously polyamorous and committed to a monogamous relationship: how did you do it? How did you deal with those feelings that monogamy just didn't felt quite right? Were you able to replace the need outside relationships fulfilled with something else? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 24, 2014 - 10 answers

Expat married to a local, really struggling, seeking help

Finally giving in and looking for a therapist, while permanently living abroad... what 'cultural combination' should one look for? Don't want my current mental state to cloud my thinking. Details inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 21, 2014 - 9 answers

Help me feel excited about getting married!

My wonderful fiancé and I getting married this August. While I'm happy at the thought of "officially" starting a life together, we've been together more than eight years, and it doesn't feel like a huge deal any more. I'm also stressed about my career, which is occupying my mind most of the time. The actual wedding is being organized entirely by my parents, and neither of us are thrilled about what the ceremony's shaping up to be. What can I/we do to make the whole getting hitched thing more meaningful for us? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 18, 2014 - 22 answers

How do I ask out my wife?

My wife and I used to go out fairly frequently - not partying but dinner, museum, movie, etc. Almost two years ago we had a child, whom we both adore. However, we have not been out since. We have had offers to watch the child so we could go out and she would not take any up on it. What can I say for my wife to accept a date with me? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 3, 2014 - 51 answers

How do I work out what to do next, without disrespecting my marriage.

Out of nowhere it seems, I’m considering asking my wife for a divorce and I can’t figure out if its because I met someone else I feel I’d really like to get to know or because I’ve realized that we just aren’t meant to be. Or am I just being a douche for even considering throwing away what I’m confident almost anyone would agree is a marriage to a great woman? Sorry for the long story… My wife is a great person – of course – why would you marry someone you didn’t think this about? The list is huge – she’s smart, funny, empathetic, gets me, is very beautiful and will one day I know make a really wonderful mother. I know most would say all of this about their spouse, but even with rational eyes, the above is true. She has bad points too for sure, but no need to list those off as well. We’ve only been married about 18 months, but together for some time before this. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 17, 2014 - 58 answers

How do people find money to move out when separating or divorcing?

A asks B for a divorce. B is not surprised. B agrees, even though B would prefer to stay in an unhappy marriage rather than be branded with a scarlet D*. A wants to move out ASAP. Generally speaking, how do the financial logistics of this work? No special snowflake details inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 11, 2014 - 17 answers

marriage on the rocks. need advice.

Never has been a blissful marriage but is it time to throw in the towel and move on? Twenty four years in the chute, one kid in college out of the house, the other living at home in high school. Especially caustic relationship since summer. No sex in months. She works all the time, I'm out of work. Growing further and further apart. But I will want to make it work yet she doesn't seem interested in putting in the effort. Emptiness in the pit of my stomach but I will do what I have to do. Interested in anyone's experiences in situations such as this. Is it worth fighting to keep things together? What about the kids? Is it better on the other side of relationships like this? I'm at a crossroads and need to figure this out. Thanks. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 5, 2014 - 34 answers

Took the vows. Both still here. Why do I feel so alone?

Please help me think through a marriage that's hollowing out from the inside. Survival strategies needed. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jan 31, 2014 - 47 answers

There's a tiny dent in our basement door. Can this marriage be saved?

Is it necessary in a marriage to apologize for innocent mistakes like dropping a laptop? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jan 5, 2014 - 69 answers

SSRIs and the end of romantic love

Four months after my husband went on Lexapro, I could see it in his face that he didn't love me anymore. At seven months, he asked to separate after four years of marriage. After finding this article online, I'm curious as to whether others have had similar experiences. Have you or your spouse experienced a decline in attachment/romantic love after starting an SSRI? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 18, 2013 - 71 answers

Considering divorce... or depression

Married almost 3 years, together for over 4 years. My husband is a funny, arrogant genius, and when I first met him he was very kind to me. Right after we got married, things changed... [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 24, 2013 - 52 answers

Same-sex marriage: what does it legally mean?

Dear Metafilter: My girlfriend and I (also a lady) want to get married. Yay! Now what exactly does that mean for us? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 23, 2013 - 11 answers

How do I deal with my spouse having an external romantic relationship?

I found out my partner of 20 years/spouse of 11 was having an emotional/romantic affair with our best friend and lied to me about it. Now that we've gone through the initial reveal, I've told her I've forgiven her; she's hinting she's been thinking about romantic relationships outside of our marriage. tl;dr- Are we done here or can this be saved? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 22, 2013 - 49 answers

Should I ask the man I'm seeing not to have a vasectomy?

I'm in my mid-20's, leaning towards not having kids, but recognize that I could change my mind. I just started dating a wonderful man who has scheduled a vasectomy for next month. Is it asking too much to ask him to reconsider? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 19, 2013 - 44 answers

Do I go to my stepson's wedding if I don't support it?

Do I go to my barely 18 year old stepson's wedding if I don't support the reasons and believe it to be a huge mistake? Snowflakes inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 16, 2013 - 81 answers

Struggling to forgive my SO's emotional cheating

How can I forgive my SO (and myself) for emotionally cheating on each other? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 12, 2013 - 12 answers

How do I stop being so paranoid in my relationship?

Damaged by a previous infidelity, I find it hard not to read every ordinary, innocent thing as a Sign. It's hurting an otherwise loving relationship with a wonderful woman, and I hate being this way and feel I am committing my own kind of betrayal. Looking for advice on strategies to stop, deflect, lessen. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 30, 2013 - 32 answers

We are "on a break". How long should it last?

My fiancee and I have been together for seven-and-a-half years, owned a house together for three, and in the spring of this year she agreed to marry me. Last week she told me, quite out of the blue, that she wanted a break from our relationship. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 18, 2013 - 40 answers

Getting married in US - we don't want a green card!

I’m a US citizen engaged to non-US citizen. After the marriage, we’re planning to live in his home country, not the US. In other words, he will not be applying for a green card. However, we would like to get married in the US. Our thought was for him to enter the US on a tourist visa, get married, then he’ll return to his home country and I’ll begin the process for applying for the equivalent of a green card in his country. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 4, 2013 - 16 answers

What's a good town for a single man in his late 30s...

What's a non-US city that might be especially good for a 38-year old divorced straight male looking to meet a woman and settle down? Much more specific details inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 22, 2013 - 37 answers

How to live with my wife before the divorce?

My wife wants to leave me. In late March I discovered an affair she was having. We went through several months of what can best be described as "limbo" while she tried to decide what she wanted to do (leave or stay). At the end of July she announced "when I'm able, I'm going to move out." Problem is - the economics of this are basically impossible. So we still live in the same house. How can I make this easier for me? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 6, 2013 - 66 answers

Need advice: Is it time for a divorce, or do I ride this out?

Should I seriously be considering a divorce now, or give it more time? And if I do want to initiate a split--how do I do it, since this will totally blindside him? What else should I do to prepare if it comes to that? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 4, 2013 - 27 answers

How to prepare for a divorce that might or might not be coming

My husband is talking about getting a divorce. It is unclear to me whether he is serious or whether he is having a midlife crisis of some sort. Without knowing whether we will or won’t get divorced, what should I do? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 3, 2013 - 35 answers

Out of love, want back in

I have fallen out of love with my husband. I want to be back in love with him, but I don't know what to do. Help? Very extended details within. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 31, 2013 - 41 answers

How do I help my sister whose marriage is on the rocks?

Ten year marriage that includes a 4 yr old kid is about to fall apart. How can I help directly or help them help themselves through this rocky period? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 7, 2013 - 8 answers

Apparently I suck at giving gifts, need advice

Fiancee blew up over my birthday gift-giving faux pas and can't seem to get over it, is this situation salvegable? Lots more below [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 3, 2013 - 90 answers

In need of (LGBT) people wiser than me

I guess I'm one of the women French Fry speaks of, but with an LGBT twist. I'm in therapy, but it's not enough; I am desperate for someone to talk to, especially other semi-late-blooming LGBT folk, but I don't know how to find them. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 14, 2013 - 15 answers

I am afraid of commitment. Should I get married?

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two and a half years. She is 28, I am 42. She really wants to get married and have kids. Part of me likes that idea a lot, but another side of me has extreme anxiety around the idea of commitment. I have struggled with anxiety since my early 20s and have undergone a lot of therapy, and while I understand what the anxiety is and where it comes from, no one has been able to “cure” me of it to the point where suddenly the things I’m anxious about don’t bother me any more. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 10, 2013 - 23 answers

Therapist/counseller recommendations for Mid Sussex, UK

I urgently need to find a good therapist/counseller in the Mid Sussex region of the UK (ideally in the Haywards Heath area). More details after the break, however I need help dealing with some issues in my marriage, but I don't have a clue how to go about seeking this help. I would ask my GP, however she is on vacation for the next couple of weeks but I need to start getting some help sooner than that. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 6, 2013 - 4 answers

Do we need a prenuptial agreement? If so, what might we want it to say?

Long-time couple finally getting married, and we think we might want a prenuptial agreement. What should we know about the practical aspects of creating and adhering to a premarital agreement? Same-sex couple in Massachusetts, more snowflakes inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 4, 2013 - 14 answers

"I'm not going to change"

The other day I had already had a bad day when my husband made an insensitive and crappy remark about something. I replied with tears in my eyes and said that he really had no idea about [subject]. Husband ignored that and then 5 minutes later cheerfully asked if I wanted to watch tv. I said no. He was surprised that I was "still mad" and we tried to talk about it, but I shut down because I felt vulnerable and remembered past talkings where I always felt like "too sensitive" and nothing would change anyway. This time, my husband apparently also thought the same because he said "Well, if you're unhappy, maybe you don't want to continue this relationship, because I'm not going to change". [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 30, 2013 - 40 answers

Boyfriend's progressively disabling (terminal?) illness

My boyfriend has a progressively disabling illness -- a form of muscular dystrophy. He will lose the ability to walk and easily get out of bed, etc., in about 10-15 years. We've been together for five very happy years, but that said, we are young (early 20s) and don't have many responsibilities other than school. My friends really like him, and so does my family. We've been very open with one another and have great communication. However, my parents are adamant that I find somebody else due to his illness. They won't force me to break up with my boyfriend, because they know he's a fantastic person, but will continuously express discontent when I hang out with him. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 30, 2013 - 55 answers

Separate or wait to see if things get better?

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for the last 3. We met when I was 19, and him 21. Recently I have been feeling like I might want out. I still love him, but I am not sure that he is going to change in ways which I would prefer him to. Should I tell him I want to separate or wait to see if things get better? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 19, 2013 - 35 answers

Do I tell him why I am not being my normal, friendly self?

I am married and recently realized I had developed romantic feelings for a friend/coworker (also married). I have stopped speaking to him for the sake of my marriage. He really wants to know why I am avoiding him. What's the best way to handle this without making him feel bad? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 6, 2013 - 30 answers

My wife doesn't want kids but I do -- is change of her mind possible?

After 2 years of marriage my wife (age 33) still doesn't want to have children while I (age 35) desperately want ones. Before marriage we have discussed it and she said that she would like to wait "for about a year" before trying for a baby. I agreed. Now she is saying that she isn't ready yet, and won't be ready for another 2 years. I thought that we have an agreement, but I was mistaken. Is it at all possible that she will change her mind, or postponing children for more years is just a stalling tactic on her behalf? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 5, 2013 - 64 answers

Am I crazy to consider an old 'marriage pact'?

I've been in a relationship for 3 years, waiting on a proposal. I don't know if it will materialize. Lately I've been fantasizing about an ex-boyfriend who I made a marriage pact with. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 3, 2013 - 48 answers

Healthy ways of working with financial imbalances in relationships?

I grew up in a lower-middle-class family. Through a combination of hard work, opportunity and luck, I find myself in my 30's with a very decent net worth. It's enough to allow me to feel very secure about retirement, job/career changes, health issues, supporting family, etc. and this security is probably the most important aspect of money to me. For me, money means security, safety, freedom. I maintain a very middle-class lifestyle, continue to work full-time and save at a reasonable rate. I've started to realize how much this factors into my thinking about long term relationships, especially marriage (and its attendant family joining) and financial co-mingling, and am looking for some perspectives on positive ways of managing these kinds of issues. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 27, 2013 - 21 answers

Help Me Grok Al-Anon

My husband drinks too much, and I just attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I have some questions about it. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 17, 2013 - 19 answers

How to know if I want to stay in my marriage?

My wife and I are having a lot of problems in our marriage, have been for quite some time. Infidelity on both sides. Unresolved childhood trauma. Lack of trust and honesty from both parties. We have a wonderful life and two amazing children and are best friends, have been since high school. We're both starting therapy (separately) and then maybe marriage counseling. And I suppose this is one of those things that I can expect or hope to work out in therapy? But right now, how do I know if I should stay in my marriage? What signs did you have that your marriage was over or was salvageable?
posted by anonymous on Apr 9, 2013 - 13 answers

Putting a Humpty-Dumpty marriage together again.

My wife and I separated six months ago. Now, after marriage and individual counselling, it looks like we might be ready to give things another shot. How do we go about re-integrating our lives whilst there are still small alarm bells ringing? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 1, 2013 - 32 answers

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