Ask MetaFilter posts tagged with manners

Saying "no"

Sophie1 — Wed, 21 May 2008 09:01:50 -0800

Miss Manners Filter: How do I politely say, "Please never contact me again." My ex-girlfriend (15 years ago) thanks to the interwebs, has found me. It seems she does it every few years. About 3 years ago she found me and I didn't respond. Four months ago she contacted me again and again I didn't respond (she basically said, if you don't respond, I won't bug you). This week, I got another email updating me on her life (married, work, etc.) and wants to know how I am, etc.

OK, clearly the delete key hasn't been the answer and since we still live in the same city and work in the same industry (medical research) there is a minute, but feasible possibility that I will run into her at a conference or some such event in the future.

I am recovering from some difficult personal matters as well as some medical issues and I don't have the time, energy or interest.

I am trying to be more honest in my life but I don't really know how to respond to her without this encouraging her to contact me again.

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff?

detune — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:32:24 -0800

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff? I pride myself on being a fairly well-mannered guy, but I am sure there is always room for improvement. I went on Amazon to try and find a couple of decent books on proper manners and etiquette, but there's just too many to wade through, and there doesn't seem to be a consensus on what's good and what isn't. I am trying to see if there is a book or two that are considered sort of a gold standard (think Julia Child on introduction to French cuisine, for example). Any suggestions?

Should we invite the class?

LoriFLA — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:28:13 -0800

Birthday party etiquette question: Would it be in bad taste to invite my son's preschool classmates to his fifth birthday party? So far my child has been invited to two birthday parties this year. We didn't go to either. My child was sick and sleeping for the first party that was held earlier this year. I called the parent the morning of the party, apologized, and explained the situation. I'm glad we didn't go because the next day he had a rash. It was fifth disease. When I called, the mother said, "Oh I never knew you were coming in the first place." I left a message on her machine a week earlier stating that we would be there. She told me a couple days later that her husband had heard it and erased it on accident.

For the second party that was held a month or so ago, I completely forgot. I RSVPd, marked it on my calendar and I still forgot. I called and apologized that day and sent the present on the next school day.

Now it is time for my kid's birthday. I was going to just have a family party, but I kind of want to throw him a kid party. It is his fifth birthday and he has never had a party with kids, only family.

Would it be tacky to invite the class even though we missed these parties? There have been no other parties. The only two that we were invited to, we weren't there. The class is small, ten students including my child, and I want to invite everybody. Thanks for your input and advice.

Somehow-etiquetteFilter : a question on everything that surrounds it

Jireel — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:10:35 -0800

Related to This post on what defines sophistication, and as a student, i believe there may be people who would be interested in books on the topic (aside of non-verbal language books)... Especially those who wouldn't know how to read the vibes that come off the ones around them.

Would anyone know a book on classiness, sophistication, manners (not necessarily etiquette), and PC things, to hold to, in different environments, and regarding different settings ? (i.e family, in laws, school, grad school, "relaxed" hangout time with friends (when impressions, and therefore relationships can be at stake) ?
NB : I'm not in for infos on how to appear uptight, out of reach, or like a show off, but for this simple code that lets people appear genuine, easy-going, still with values, and open-minded enough to catch attention without ever looking for it.

(as a european, i have never heard and probably never will, hear of such a thing as classes on political correctness, etc..) but am simply looking out to decipher social codes better. Thank you for your infos, and any such manual you may know of. Oh, and yes, I have done drama in the past, and am aware of the many lessons it does teach ;)

Too many presents

serazin — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 10:28:50 -0800

My neighbor is very generous - too generous! Her young son and my kids play together fairly often, and each time my kids go to their house to visit, my neighbor sends my kids home with several gifts. Sometimes if she sees my kids playing in the back yard she just hands gifts over the fence. Last time it was a large tin of cookies, a box of Whoppers candies, and a Vitamin Water style drink. In the past gifts have included a hand-knit scarf, brand new clothes, a doll, a box of donuts, and a large plate of homemade fried chicken. At Lunar New Year she gave each of my kids ten bucks plus a box of sweet rolls. I don’t know this woman well at all. We’ve said ‘hi’ a few times but her English is limited and I don’t speak her language which I believe is Thai. I get the sense that our different expectations around gift giving are related to cultural differences (she’s an immigrant from SE Asia, I’m white, born and raised in California), and maybe also that she is just a particularly (or maybe compulsively) gift-giving person. I really want to be polite and respectful. I’d like my kids to get to keep playing with this neighbor kid. But I’m not into my kid eating all the junk food they send over and I’m uncomfortable with the volume of presents. At first I tried to reciprocate. After we received our first bag of gifts I sent over a plate of homemade donuts that I happened to be making, but I can’t possibly keep up with all of her gifts and now I’m afraid if I give them anything else I’ll just escalate the gift arms race! Now I shake my head “no”, cross my hands in front of myself, and smile and say “No Thank You” when I see the neighbor giving stuff to the kids and the neighbor just nods and smiles and keeps handing stuff over. Especially given our cultural and language differences, I’m just at a loss for how to deal with this conflict.

Help I've got to tell someone I won't be able to house sit!

redfusion — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:37:49 -0800

[House sitting filter] Currently house sitting about to start another house, but wait the current house wants me to stay longer. And of course the other household is already gone help! Please note they both have pets. I am currently house sitting for someone who I have house sat before. I was to house sit from the 7th until the 17th. I just got a call that she will be back today and that she wants to leave again on the 17th. I had no idea that she would leave again.

My only problem is that I will start house sitting for someone else that day and wont be able to anymore for current house. The new house was an emergency due to the person they were going to have house sit for them bail out on them. And like I said I had NO idea the current house would want to leave again.

How do I politely tell her I wont be able to do it. It wouldn't be such a hassle if I wasn't working full time and starting a 3 credit course next week. Please note they both have pets, that must be walked and fed each day, plus the households prefer that I stay at the house and spend the night each day.

I was thinking of checking on both houses daily if she can't find someone.

Thanks in advance!!

Who? Me???

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:07:53 -0800

What is it called when someone pretends to be all innocent, when they clearly aren't? For example, someone is continuously brushing you off, making snide comments... then when you confront them about it, or ask them what is wrong, they act like it's all in your head. (And often act insulted by the implication.) Also, how do you deal with someone like this?

I know someone who does this (unconsciously, I believe), but I'm becoming very fed up with it.

What's the least rude way to un-invite a weird lady?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:54:38 -0800

I'm having a gathering, and a really strange woman has declared that she'll be there wearing a face mask, rubber gloves, and wielding hand sanitizers. How can I politely tell her I don't want her there? I'm having a semi-large gathering at my house (20-40 people), and I sent out the invitation to a mailing list of people I mostly know. A woman I don't know said that she really wants to come, but that she wants to make sure there won't be any sick people there. I'm already kind of worried about space issues, so I told her there would be a lot of people in a not-huge space, and that some of them were sure to be sick. She replied and said she's still coming, but that she'll bring her face mask, rubber gloves, and hand sanitizer.

At this point I don't want her to come at all, even if she doesn't bring the face mask. I need to say something firm enough that she can't argue back and say she'll come anyway, but polite enough that she won't go ballistic and badmouth me to all of our mutual acquaintances.

One of my co-hosts suggested I say something like "Hi, we've discussed it and we feel that someone wearing a face mask and rubber gloves would be off-putting to our other guests, and disruptive to the atmosphere we want. If you're really that worried about getting sick, we'd prefer you not come. Thanks!"

What do you think?

Salt & pepper- which goes in which shaker?

rawredmeat — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 21:32:03 -0800

Salt and pepper shakers: Does the salt or the pepper go in the shaker with more holes? And does the salt or the pepper go in the shaker with bigger holes? We were sitting around the Christmas dinner table and the eternal argument surfaced: My dad insisted that the shaker with two holes got the Salt, and the shaker with three holes got the pepper. My mom argued the contrary. Is there a definitive answer so this family conflict can finally be laid to rest? What happens if each one has one hole, but one of the holes is bigger? Obviously, this does not apply to grinders, or shakers already marked "pepper" or "salt". What is the reasoning behind their assignment to which shaker? Where does the tradition stem from? Are there any exceptions to the rule? Please help! I don't think my family can take another year of this debate- it almost came to blows over our Christmas feast...

Ol' Snothead

Jess the Mess — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 09:07:20 -0800

Is it rude to attend a party when you have a cold? I RSVPed yes to a party a couple weeks ago. Now it's the weekend of the party and I have a cold. It's not the worst cold I've ever had but it's certainly unpleasant.

I think I've got the symptoms under control so I wouldn't be grossing anyone out I don't think but on the other hand I don't want to be giving other people I like my cold.

And yet I feel bad cancelling at the last minute...the invitation was unclear as to whether it was a dinner party or not so I don't know how much preparation will have been made on my behalf.

What to do? Oddly I can't find etiquette advice about this anywhere. I imagine I'm not the first person to face this dilemma.

Help a haole

small_ruminant — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 11:52:25 -0800

How do I not be an obnoxious mainlander while vacationing on the Big Island? I'll be sharing a big vacation house south of Hilo.

Advice in general would be appreciated. Advice on surfing etiquette would be appreciated.

Also, should I bring any foodstuffs with me? I hear some of the staples are expensive and not great.

Also, I'm not going until next July, but if you live there and I can bring you something, feel free to ask. I know you Hawaiians get reamed on shipping charges. I'll probably post a reminder on metachat.org when my trip gets closer.

Yes, I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it deserves, but I don't vacation often. And my step-dad was big on the Hawai'ian independence movement, so I'm ambivalent about foisting my mainlander self on Hawai'i at all.

Having a cold around a lot of people

martinX's bellbottoms — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 18:58:22 -0800

Etiquette filter: What's the best way to handle being stopped up in a crowed situation such as on an airplane or in a large lecture hall? Is it more annoying if I sit and sniff, or occasionally blow my nose? Also, to imagine the worst possible scenario, what do I do if I find myself in this situation without enough tissues?

How to eat langostino?

footnote — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 08:33:46 -0800

Last night I ordered the "grilled shrimp" at a trendy restaurant and it ended up being a single unshelled langostino (basically, a very big prawn). It was delicious, but how was I supposed to eat it? I just dug in with my fingers, the way they do in Spain.

Please don't kiss me unless I'm in love with you.

Elmo Oxygen — Sat, 19 May 2007 00:44:43 -0800

Why do some Americans do the hello/goodbye kiss thing? I understand that Europeans do it because that's how it's done in Europe. But why do some Americans do it?

It makes me feel uncomfortable. I never know when to expect it. And I generally don't want to kiss most people.

If someone goes for the hello/goodbye kiss, is the only proper response a kiss back? Or can you just hug them and pretend they didn't go for the kiss?

how much do you tip? am i a good tipper?

b_thinky — Sun, 13 May 2007 11:42:54 -0800

Am I a good tipper? I usually tip a standard 20% to my waiter, unless the service warrants more or less. The 20% guideline is one that's pretty universally recognized and easy to follow. But how about these other situations?

How much do you tip a valet parker? The service is free in Vegas, and everyone tips. Valet parkers make decent money here given the nature of their work. I tip about $2 or $3. I think this is close to avg from what I've seen, but there's no guidelines I've ever heard of.

How much do you tip at at a buffet? When the server doesn't do anything really but seat you and get you your drink order (non-alcoholic), how much do you tip? I usually just leave a couple ones on the table. They didn't really do anything.

How much do you tip a barber The place I go to charges $16 for a haircut. I usually give the dude a $20 and tell him to keep it.

How much do you tip room service I've noticed when I stay in a nice hotel the room service menu says a 20% gratuity will be added to the bill. That's a lot! I think this amount should excuse me from tipping the room service dude but I feel like a jackass if I don't cough up more. What's the right thing to do in this situation?

How much do you tip at a carwash? If the dude just towel-dries after I go through the wash, I hand him a couple bucks. If it's a nice detailing I probably do $5 or $10 depending on what kind of cash I have on me.

Also, I have a friend who's a bartender at a local bar here in Vegas, the kind where people sit for hours and play video poker. He seems to feel bartenders are entitled to a 10% tip on jackpots, and I feel this is bullshit. I don't gamble at all, but if I were playing I'd tip a flat $5 at most, no matter how much I win. Unless this dude is covering 10% of my losses, why is he entitled to 10% of my winnings?

inner circle sushi

cior — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:20:27 -0800

I've been admitted to a very exclusive, yet humble, sushi-ya. What should I do and avoid, to become a star customer? In my small neighborhood there is a hidden sushi-ya. While many are denied, I was admitted and seemed to bring enjoyment to my hosts. What do I need to know to enhance and preserve this relationship?

I can easily repeat my performance as an easy guest, but I'd like to do better than that without coming off as too eager. This spot is a few steps from my house, somewhat secretive and notorious for throwing folks out based upon small (and very American) infractions.

Any ideas?

Breast-feeding mores in St. Louis

Margalo Epps — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 10:11:34 -0800

How do I politely breast-feed my baby while visiting in St. Louis, Missouri? I'm going to St. Louis for a few days with my small baby and I'm wondering what basic courtesies are when I feed her. I'm used to the Pacific Northwest style of "feed her whenever, where ever, don't care unduly about visibility". I'm aware that may not go over so well, but I'm not sure if or what I need to change while we are visiting.

Should I hide her and breast with a blanket? Ask for a private space to feed her in? Something else I'm not thinking of? Or will my style be just fine? I'd really like to be gracious and remember we are guests, so please advise me.

MannersFilter: Getting a maybe to become a solid answer and dealing with people who break dates.

anaelith — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:14:19 -0800

What to do when someone says yes and then backs out? How to avoid maybe and I'll-think-about-it answers, or get them sorted out before it's too late to make other plans? The situation: On Monday or Tuesday I ask a casual friend if they would like to do something low key, like going for dinner or watching a specific show together, this weekend and they say "maybe". Then I never hear back from them.

Alternatively: I plan something (still relatively low key) two or three weeks in advance, set a date and time, and have a "yes". About an hour before that specific time, I get a call saying that the person has made other plans and has to cancel (note: not "I'm in the hospital, I have to cancel" but "someone else asked me to do something and I'm canceling").

This doesn't always happen and it's not always the same person doing it, but when it does it really, REALLY bothers me and it's been happening more and more recently. I usually haven't been able to make other last minute plans with anyone (understandably) and a couple of times it's been something that can't be done any old time and also something where I don't want to "just go by myself" (going to the fair, for example, which is only in town for one week each year).

What I've tried doing so far: Explaining to people when making plans basically what I've said in this post, stressing that it's important to me that they say yes or no as soon as possible and that if they say yes then they don't cancel for trivial reasons. Unfortunately, judging from reactions, this is causing people to say no when they would otherwise have said yes and followed through, which is counterproductive.

So how do I deal with this without coming across as psycho? Am I just wrong in thinking that the person you said yes to first is the person you hang out with on whatever day, even if someone more interesting comes along later? Is there a way that I can say no to a maybe answer, so that I can start looking for someone who can definitely make it? When and how often do you call to see if a maybe has resolved into a definite answer? How to ask "When will you know by?" in response to a maybe (for casual/very low key stuff) without coming across as demanding?

How to share a washer/dryer with other tenants?

mrgreyisyelling — Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:23:34 -0800

So I found a new home. Its great. Only catch is this: there is a washer dryer hookup but I'm pretty sure its hooked up to only one of the unit's electric/gas (I'm not sure who's). This seems like this would ultimately lead to conflict. I'm trying to figure out a low stress solution to this problem. I have not signed a lease yet, but I want to (very badly), and I want to come up with a solution before I do. The landlord has been selling it as something the two units will share, though I don't think he is being sneaky, just dense. So I think if I come up with some sort of workable solution, he'd make it official. If not, I want some sort of gameplan.

I have 3 plans in my head, all assuming that the hookup is on my electric and gas.

1) I declare it is mine and no one can use it. (I'm a softy, this might not work)
2) I say 'You buy a washer/dryer you hook it up, you let us use it, and we call it even."
3) I purchase washer/dryer and have them pay a small monthly usage fee to cover gas/electric (which I'm not sure how much it should be)

There is only two units in the building, and the upstairs is a 2 bedroom (so possibly 2-3 people?). I would like this to be as low stress/noisy neighbor as possible, where I don't have to be counting in my head the number of times they are using the thing. We are moving to try to get some real life, friendly, lets have a beer and watch the ducks on the pond sort of lifestyle there, so I don't want to be a draconian jerk - but I also don't want to have to be poor if someone has poor washer/dryer habits.

A happy Eid Al Adha?

brautigan — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 20:51:11 -0800

A happy Eid Al Adha? How do I convey good wishes to Islamic friends of mine today? While out celebrating a traditional Scottish Hogmanay tonight, a pair of my friends (One Paskistani, another Albanian) shook hands because it was Eid and told me they were attending mosque this morning with more traditional family members. I'd like to wish them both something appropriate as they both happily indulged our pretty drunken New Years Eve rituals (whisky, singing and dancing etc). I've done a bit of tipsy googling on it but am unsure whether a "Happy Eid!" suffices or not...

My refrigerator runneth over

LoriFLA — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 11:22:17 -0800

EtiquetteFilter: I had surgery last week and my lovely, sweet friends have signed up to bring a home cooked meal each night until the 29th of December. How do I get them to stop? I don't want to appear ungracious. I really do appreciate their kindness. The food has been great, but I am completely fine and I no longer need help with preparing meals. I am up walking, doing some light cleaning, living my life pretty much as normal. Besides, my husband is here and he works limited hours, so I am not without help.

Each night has been a different friend. With the remaining friends that haven't visited, is there a way I could say thanks, but no thanks? Or would that be rude to do so? A few friends have commented that bringing something is a way for them to feel better. I feel guilty though. I have a hard time accepting gifts or favors. I could understand if I were bedridden, but I am not.

It's Christmastime, it's hectic for all, and I don't want to burden my friends that already have a million things to do.

Is there a way for me to politely insist that I don't need help? I have already called one of my friends and left a message on her answering machine explaining that I am fine, please don't go through the trouble. I don't know if that was the most appropriate thing to do. Thoughts and advice appreciated.

How do I eat crusty bread?

grouse — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 10:42:23 -0800

How do I eat crusty bread or other crumbly items like crackers without getting a big crumbly mess all over the table? Also, is it correct that one ought to tear bite-size pieces of bread off a roll rather than biting off a chunk?

To smooch or not to smooch

serazin — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 22:00:27 -0800

Chivalry filter: If a lady offers her hand to a gentleman, palm down, and they're someowhere causual like say, a coffee shop, should the gent kiss the lady's hand? Is there a formal way to receive the hand besides smooching it?

Teach me subway manners

fogster — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 08:29:17 -0800

Teach me manners: when to give up my seat on public transportation. Much I'm a healthy 20-year-old male. The other weekend I rode the subway extensively. At one point, we got onto a train that was just about empty, so myself and the girl I was travelling with (same age, just a friend, if it changes anything) both sat down. The train got progressive more and more crowded; eventually, a lot of people were standing.

Although my parents always stressed manners, we never took public transportation, so I'm not quite sure where the bounds of this are. And it's particularly compounded by the fact that by offering my seat, I'd be subjecting the girl I was travelling with to sitting with a random stranger.

Where do I draw the line? Do I offer it to a 40-year-old man? How about a 40-year-old woman? (Is this insulting?) A girl/woman my age? (Does it then appear that I'm hitting on her?) Senior citizens only? Do I say something to them, or just stand up?

Fighting fire with fire?

Anonymous — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 15:00:50 -0800

My cousin's fiancee had a baby last year. I couldn't attend the baby shower, but sent a nice gift anyway. No thank you note. (the relatives I talked to who went to the shower didn't get one either.) More than month ago, I went to her wedding shower and gave her another nice gift. So far, no thank you note. Now, what should I do about a wedding gift, or should I get off my cranky high horse? I know I'm not a Miss Manners expert here, but come on. My cousin and the finacee are nice people. I like them, but I'm not necessarily close to them. My mother points out that the fiancee was on bed rest for several weeks at the end of her pregnancy, so she had more than enough time to dash off notes to people for the baby shower (especially ones who weren't there to get a verbal thank you). At the wedding shower, the guests got a little favor with a card attatched to it that said, "thank you!" so we were joking (actually, seriously wondering) whether that would count as the thank you note. My aunt jokes we should slip a package of thank you notes onto the gift table at the wedding, but she's sure she'll get blamed for it and then the real bickering would start.

My cousin's mom (my aunt, who is an extremely nice person who I like very much) knows that her future daughter-in-law didn't send notes at least for the baby shower, and I'm sure she's mortified, but what can she really do? And my cousin, who is a nice guy who I think should know better, doesn't have broken fingers and could certainly get in on the thank you note writing action.

I was planning on giving them a check for the wedding, but my husband suggested last night that as a little dig to them we just regift this salad server set that we got for our own wedding and haven't used. It's nice, it just isn't our taste. So is that a tacky answer to this situation? Should I just, as I said, get off my cranky high horse here? I don't necessarily need thank you notes to be validated as a person, but jeez. What do you think? What should I do?