Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with manners

Slimpstreaming behind a random?

Tapioca — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:32:55 -0800

Do you think it is rude for Alice (a commuter cyclist) to slipstream behind Bob (another commuter cyclist, who doesn't know Alice)? By 'slipstreaming' I mean riding in the wind-free pocket behind the lead cyclist. Hope I've got the terminology right - think I've also seen it called 'drafting'.

Does it depend on headwind speed? Length of time? Other factors?

(I tried to frame this a neutral hypothetical. This happened on my morning commute today, but I'm deliberately not revealing whether I was Alice or Bob)

Thank you no thank you.

pianomover — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 22:19:51 -0800

Do I follow up a positive Yelp review with a response to the poster? Yelp has been very good for my business, yet as a matter of principle I do not solicit reviews. When a review is posted should I respond personally, or is my thanks upon completion of the job sufficient?

My obsession with Miss Manners knows no bounds

ThePinkSuperhero — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:41:02 -0800

I need help finding something Miss Manners said about budgets and guest lists. I've been searching my copy of the blue bible, but I haven't been able to find it so far. It might still be in there, another book, or a column. Heck, it could be some other etiquette writer (but I doubt it, because I love Miss Manners above all others).

The passage said that when you're putting together a guest list for a party or a wedding (I thought wedding, but I've scoured that section and found nothing, so maybe it was something else), you should think first of the people you want to invite and then build a party from there based on what you can afford to provide for those people, instead of thinking of your party first and your guest list second.

I want to reference it in something I'm writing because the thing I remember was so Miss Manners and so perfect, but I cannot find it and I hope I didn't imagine it. If you can find it, a link or page number would be most appreciated, because I am going crazy.

OCD Isn't Funny. Right?

dzaz — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 18:02:58 -0800

How do I (or do I) politely explain to people that when they laughingly say they have OCD (because they want to be tidy or whatever), I find it truly insensitive? Perhaps I'm being oversensitive, but I've got a kid with OCD and it's no flippin' picnic like "Monk" or that real estate jerk on Bravo make it out to be.

OCD is a serious neurological disorder and I just get mama bear pissed when I hear a friend (or colleague) make an offhand comment about someone acting "all OCD."

OCD ain't funny. My teenage daughters say they hear this constantly in school from teachers about kids who have neat binders or clean lockers and as they live with someone who's been hospitalized because of his OCD, they don't find it too amusing, either.

Am I being a trifle oversensitive, or is there a nice way to say to someone, "That's really not funny."

How to become a non-drinker?

Anonymous — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 16:46:35 -0800

I just started a long-term medication (bupropion, for ADD) that interacts very, very badly with alcohol. I don't miss the booze itself, but not being able to drink throws all sorts of monkey wrenches into my social life. I need advice on how to be a non-drinker in the drinkingest town in the United States, New York City... where the default activity for any occaision is going out for a drink.

What do I tell people? I've tried being vague ("I'm taking some medication... it's a long story.") but people always ask what I'm taking. You might say that's rude, but telling every new friend or date that they're rude isn't a viable option. How can I handle the question while hopefully communicating these points:
- I'm not judging you for drinking. I wish I could drink, too!
- It's not because I have a terrible secret. It's not because I'm "crazy". It's not because I'm uptight.
- I don't want to get into too many details.

What are some non-alcoholic drinks that won't draw undue attention to themselves?

I often hear things like, "I must seem so drunk to you!" or, "You must think we're all so drunk and sloppy!" How can I put people at ease?

Bonus question: I'm on the fence about attending Burning Man for the first time this year. If you've been, how much would being stone-cold sober affect my experience?

We're not friends, please stop talking to me.

sio42 — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 12:20:30 -0800

"Please excuse me...No really, don't follow me, I don't want to talk to you." How do I politely get out of having to converse with someone I was friends with for a long, long time but am no longer? Person is inconsiderate, dismissive, and generally a bitch who thinks she's funny when she says mean things. All of the above being reasons I'm not friends with her anymore.

A mutual friend (Susan) has invited crazy lady (Lily) to her wedding and shower out of a feeling of obligation, since in better days, we were both in Lily's wedding. Just to be clear, Lily is NOT in the wedding party, there is not a wedding party.

Susan and I haven't talked to Lily for over a year. Susan stopped being an all-the-time friend quite some time ago for much the same reasons I only came to realize a few years ago. Susan has not talked to Lily in the past year due to lifestyle decisions Lily was making that Susan just could not be around.

So Lily will be at the shower and the wedding (we guess, havne't gotten RSVP back yet). Susan is not inviting anyone else that Lily knows, except me. Lily has taken it upon herself to let Susan know that certain people havne't rec'd invitations to the shower and wedding and maybe Susan "didn't have the right address". (yes, yes, please roll your eyes.)

I am more than willing to be nice to her in public, but I do not wish to give the impression I wish to rekindle our friendship. I know that I cannot control other people's actions. However, I know that she will come up to me and say her typical rude, sarcastic things and I just don't want to deal with it.

How many times can I say "Excuse me." and walk away? What if she follows me around? I would not put it past her to start telling everyone who will listen that I "ditched her" for my boyfriend. (I got a job after college which took me a neighboring city, which happend to be where my boyfriend lived.) Which is what she kept saying about Susan when she stopped hanging so much. And what she says about anyone who gets a life not centered around Lily. After years of listening to her bitch about her/our friends to me, I can only imagine what she has been saying about me.

She has said really hurtful things to me in the past and been incredibly inconsiderate. I don't want to be a bitch to her at all, but she's a drinker and she tends to get even more inconsiderate when drinking. She thinks she's being funny.

I just feel sorry for her. I realize her life hasn't turned out like she wanted to. But she was like this long before she got married and had babies.

Oh yeah, and she's pregnant again (which apparently was not planned and which Susan didn't know about when she sent the invite). So she'll probably be drinking at these events. All the time proseletyzing about it's ok to drink after the 1st trimester. Which while true (in moderation of course, a glass of wine here and there is ok), showers and weddings aren't the place to start "educating" everyone about it. She's got this attitude of "I'm going to do whatever I want when I want, to hell with what other poeple think." I'm all for being empowered, but that's just an immature attitude.

And I still feel like I'm apologizing for her, even in this post. I'm tired of it.

Help me please be nice and calm my flustered-ness and politely defuse anything that may happen. We are all in our mid-30s. Susan and I don't talk to anyone from our hometown anymore nor do we talk to anyone that knows Lily. We both grew up, got jobs, and stopped hanging at the bar every night.

Ok. I've rambled on enough now....askme, do your magic!

korean dinner etiquette

tamarack — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 08:42:48 -0800

Invited to a Korean household for dinner, what do I bring? If I were in Korea, what would be the polite/mannerly type of thing to bring as a small thanks-for-having-me gift?
Super-extra-bonus points for confirming pronunciation of my friend's name: SeonHye (fem).

Sick of stag.

Anonymous — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 08:29:08 -0800

Why (in the hell) can I not bring a date to this wedding? So let's say I have this good friend, Larry. Larry and I have been pretty tight for about 10 years, but work has taken me away to the other side of the world (literally - Larry's living in a major US metropolis, I'm living in a far-flung country that's [roughly] 2 (count 'em: two) 12-hour flights to get to where Larry is).

Larry's getting married to a nice gal. Its pretty much expected that I'll be at the wedding, Larry and I were even roommates at one point. I consider him a pretty close friend, and he knows more about me than most, but I'm an introvert and Larry's a pretty popular guy. I had almost expected to perhaps be an usher in the wedding or something, but I wasn't particularly surprised when that didn't happen - Larry has a lot more friends than I do.

So I get the invite, its addressed to me, specifically (i.e. not "and guest"). However, the RSVP card does have a field for "Number attending."

Larry and I are catching up recently and the wedding comes up. I talk about who I'm going to bring as a date (he and I would discuss my interest in particular dates often, back in the day), and Larry very pointedly states that nobody is bringing dates to this wedding and only the names on the envelopes are invited. He apparently thinks that all weddings are like this, and says as much - according to him only married or engaged people get to bring a date.

This puts me off a great deal. I am literally making plans to travel around the world, at my own expense and on my own vacation time, to be there to celebrate Larry's special day, and now I am essentially forced to do it "stag," probably sitting at a table with people I do not know, likely next to some friend of the bride that she thinks I'll be just perfect for, who I will have no interest in. I've been in these shoes before and choose to avoid it these days.

Questions:
1. Am I on a high horse I need to get off of? I don't have anyone in particular I desperately want to be there with me, I would just not like to be "alone" and ostracized as such at said wedding (large protestant WASP group where its generally assumed if you're diddling around in you're 30's and not married or fast approaching, there's something fundamentally amiss with you).

2. Are Larry and his fiance as pretentious as I'm currently now wondering? (Picture Tim Robbins' character in Shawshank Redemption - I feel like asking Larry "How can you be so OBTUSE?")

3. Where do I go from here? I don't know why this throws me off so much, but I'm at the point of considering not even going. I know I will, in the end, to avoid the headaches of "why didn't he make it to our wedding," but at the same time, I don't want to show up and concede the point that I've failed at being relationally successful.

4. Bonus: Why am I so angry about this? I know I shouldn't be, and I'm mad that I'm letting it get to me. It just strikes me at its core as something I shouldn't let pass with a sad, sunken gaze. It should be alright that I'm not engaged or married, and yet still want someone to be with me, right?

Must stop interrupting everyone.

Muffpub — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 13:23:26 -0800

Help me stop interrupting everyone when they're speaking! I've always talked over people without realizing it, but after a few people (including my ex) pointed it out to me over the past few months I've become more and more aware that I interrupt people when they're in the middle of talking simply because I thought of something exciting or interesting to say - or at least that's how I perceive it.

I never seem to speak over people out of anger or aggression; often, I find myself interrupting people to ask questions or to offer support or to reinforce what they're saying. Crucially, I'm usually completely unaware of what I'm doing until someone seethes "let me finish!"

After I caught myself interrupting someone at a job interview - yeah, a job interview - I realized that I need some actual help figuring this out. This would also help my relationship with my mother, since we both talk over each other all the time and it drives us both insane.

General tips for being a better listener and not dominating conversations would also be appreciated. Thanks.

Help drafting pet's death announcement

dobbs — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:05:02 -0800

I need to email an announcement about the death of my dog... but I am very emotional about it and do not want people to contact me via telephone with their condolences. I am having trouble drafting a sentence stating this that doesn't sound rude or like it's coming from a robot. Could you possibly help? Here's what I've written so far:

***

Friends,

Yesterday my dog Satchel developed a bump which, after a biopsy, the vet has determined is a rapid growth cancer. Euthanasia appears to be the only solution.

Over the past eleven years, some of you have dogsat Satch or walked him, brought him bones and treats and gifts and I wanted to thank you for your kindnesses and for helping make his life as good as it has been. Satchel has lived with me since he was 13 weeks old and he has been a wonderful friend. I am very sad to see him go.

***

And then the robot comes in with: "As you've probably surmised, I am rather emotional right now and ask that you keep any communication regarding this matter strictly electronic."

Suggestions?

Thank you too much!

Bardolph — Tue, 26 May 2009 18:42:38 -0800

A friend made a really sweet, but kind of awkwardly generous, gesture. How to respond gracefully, while still giving her an out? (Just as a preface, I have a hangup about receiving gifts and favors-- particularly big ones. They make me feel miserable and guilty, as though it's my fault that the person went to all this expense/trouble, and I get freaked out thinking about just how grateful I'll have to be to make it up to them. So if this seems kind of like a retarded overthinking of what should be a relatively straightforward social situation-- well, guilty as charged.)

So I had a baby last month, and various friends were excited and supportive, including the church choir where I sing. About two weeks after the birth, someone I know from choir approached me and said she'd like to throw a party for the choir at her house in the baby's honor. This was a pretty overwhelmingly generous offer, as the group is large (~25 people), and the woman in question doesn't even know me all that well (we've hung out a bit in the context of other church groups, but never one-on-one, and no conversations beyond small-talk). She's not a wealthy retired socialite or anything, either-- we're talking a super-busy shift-working mom of two, so throwing a party for a huge group of people would likely be a big deal for her in terms of the investment of time and money.

At the time, I thanked her profusely, and probably a bit anxiously, and she closed by asking me to let her know some dates that'd work. Four weeks later, I still haven't been able to bring myself to contact her, largely because I've been unable to figure out answers to the following:

How can I give her a list of dates without sounding weird and presumptuous (like, "Ahem...the following are some good dates for you to schedule my party")?
On the off chance that she might since have rethought her initial impulse, is there any way to avoid Abilening by politely giving her an out? I'm especially concerned about this given that lots of people have already met the baby (brought her to rehearsal a couple times) so a debut party at this point might seem a little anti-climactic.
If the party does happen, is it appropriate for me to offer to pay for anything and/or help with prep, or would that be rude?
Said party won't end up devolving into some kind of shower, will it? Because the choir already got us a group gift, and OMG uncomfortable.
Although we haven't broken the news to anyone here yet, we're actually planning on moving out of the area in a few months. Does our secret lame-duck status change matters at all?
And lastly, regardless of whether this happens, what might be some nice ways to let her know how much I appreciate the really sweet thought?

What's that you say? Why yes, I am kind of a social idiot. Advice from anyone versed in intermediate-level-and-above interpersonal interaction would be much appreciated!!

How do I tell my partner that a recently acquired haircut is...bad?

hal_c_on — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 13:40:05 -0800

So how do I tell my partner that a recently acquired haircut is...bad? So I'm a pretty low-maintenance person. I moved recently (after finding an EXCELLENT hair cuttery), and was forced to find a new barber/stylist. I found one that I could literally walk to, so problem solved, right?

The haircut was pretty bad. I'm the guy who always feels the haircut is great because now there's less hair on top of my head. I've had my hair cut by 80 year old barbers, 19 year old stylists, people in beauty school, friends, family, and even some high-end stylists. I have almost never had a bad haircut, I have always left satisfied. I have a VERY high threshold for bad haircuts.

This haircut was so bad, I actually could see where the stylist was lacking in technical expertise, and I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CUTTING HAIR. How do they forget to cut a clump of hair? Of course, I was home before I noticed, so I chalked it up to "my fault".

Being a very smart consumer, I visited this place a few more times with the same results (different stylist/same business). I really thought "oh, it must have been the stylist", or "oh, i didn't explicitly state that I wanted them to cut hair from all parts of my head". Then on my most recent visit (yeah, I'm telling you...I'm not that bright), I realized why I always had bad hair...they cut my hair in about 7 minutes. They had always been that fast at this establishment, while everywhere else, it had taken AT LEAST 20 minutes.

I went home, and noticed that they forgot to cut a clump of hair from the back. Seriously...how does one forget that; its the back of MY head, not THEIR head. The next time I was due for a haircut, I went outside with a pair of clippers and cut my hair really short. My partner helped me out with the hard areas, and bam...a GOOD haircut. I'm low maintenance like that.

So a few minutes ago, my partner (also, rather low maintenance) left to get a haircut...at the SAME PLACE. I reiterated my story; we laughed...but I don't think the partner was dissuaded. Maybe...but probably not.

What can I say when there's a knock at the door, and I open it up to a bad haircut? It STILL is V-Day weekend, and I don't really want to go "damn...I told you...get me the clippers and sit still".

Reading this over, I realize that we sound pretty insane. Yes.

Nana would be so disappointed in me.

Bardolph — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:29:43 -0800

Etiquette-filter: sending thank-you notes late (like, ridiculously, months-to-years late)? Specific questions within. So, I've got a chronic procrastination problem where thank-you notes are concerned. I think I'm a grateful person, but I hate to write and suck at putting feelings into words-- with the result that I tend to postpone necessary thank-yous until so much time has passed that it seems impossibly awkward and embarrassing to send any note at all. (To give some idea of the scale we're talking about here, a few of the items in my current "debit" column include notes:

to three close friends, including a bridesmaid, for wedding gifts 16 months ago (all the "form" notes were easy, but the heartfelt ones... not so much so)
to an old prof for good advice and mentoring 6 years ago (he gave me a decidedly cold shoulder at a conference recently, so I'm guessing this one's dead in the water)
to a good friend re: travel souvenirs given back in September
to my academic advisor for rush-mailing a rec in November

and so forth.) I think if I could think of things as fixable (as opposed to being Forever Spoilt By My Rudeness), then I might occasionally be able to sack up and write the belated note, instead of spiralling down into endless guilt and avoidance. But assuming I'm facing a thank-you note that's been put off months or years past when it should have been sent,

1. How profusely and grovellingly should I apologize for not writing sooner? Should the apology be made in the note itself, or in a separate communication, like a cover note?
2. Does the thank-you itself need to be extra-effusive and/or accompanied by some sort of gift, to "make it up" to the recipient?
3. Is there ever a time limit past which it simply *is* just too late to send a thank-you at all, particularly for relatively small items? Or is some acknowledgment always better than nothing, even years after the fact?

Some helpful suggestions here, but everything seems to be specifically wedding-related; I'm wondering how all this works when applied to thank-yous for professional assistance, or more casual gestures and gifts.

Hey Miss Thang... or should I call you Sir Thang? Sir Miss Thang?

NikitaNikita — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:18:43 -0800

Should you address a knighted person as "Sir," as opposed to his/her professional title? Given this recent thread, I figure this is best place to ask:

Let's say* I'm sending an initial email to someone who is knighted, yet I'd normally address the person as "Dr Soandso", especially because we are emailing about our doctoral work-related things, so to speak -- should I be beginning my email "Sir Soandso" instead? or do you use both Sir and Dr?

Also, do people really address a knighted person as "Sir FirstName", like I've seen in some news articles? Because, if Sir and Dr are synonymous titles, it sounds more cutesy than professional to my ear. ("Hi Dr Bob!" for example)

I'm American, and like twoleftfeet in the aforementioned thread, I don't really know much about this knight business. In fact, I've never thought of seriously calling someone "Sir" until now, so it sounds funny to me. Oh, and the Sir-in-question right now is a British male, PhD if that makes any difference too.

Thanks!

*because I am

How to be the perfect open-plan worker

impluvium — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 18:12:16 -0800

I'm about to move to an organisation where I will be working open plan, after three years in the blissful solitude of my own office. If you could create the perfect workmate to sit at the desk next to you, what advice would you give? (Leaving aside the obvious things like no speakerphone, no music without headphones, etc.)

Cultural expectations in a restaurant?

alitorbati — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:41:12 -0800

When I go to a restaurant, am I expected to use their cultural mannerisms and customs or is it ok for me to do things however I want? Is there a limit to how lenient they are about letting me do things my way? For example, if I should find myself at a Japanese restaurant, would anyone be offended if I drank my soup with a spoon instead of from the bowl?

What would Miss Manners do?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:12:39 -0800

How can I (very politely!) beg off future visits to my boss's house? My boss likes to invite me over to his house every four to six weeks. Usually we watch TV and have a few beers, and we sometimes play pool.

I like his company and don't mind his pets, but they all go in and out of the house as they please. And they all have fleas.

I have a strictly indoors cat and check him regularly for fleas and ear mites. He never has any except on the day after I've been to my boss's house (four times running now). So I comb off and kill the three or four I find, then give my cat a flea treatment and vacuum the house. After the third day there aren't any more fleas and continue not to be any more until the next visit to my boss's house.

I've suggested in past that we meet at a bar or restaurant instead, but my boss doesn't like the expense and I can't hear very well so that hasn't worked.

Short of taking a flea bath in the street, I don't know how to prevent bringing the fleas home with me. I suppose I could strip in the garage, but if they got that far with me then they'd just be there waiting for the next time I pass through.

Is there an unoffensive way I could arrange to visit my boss less often at his house? How would a very clever polite person go about it?

Saying "no"

Sophie1 — Wed, 21 May 2008 09:01:50 -0800

Miss Manners Filter: How do I politely say, "Please never contact me again." My ex-girlfriend (15 years ago) thanks to the interwebs, has found me. It seems she does it every few years. About 3 years ago she found me and I didn't respond. Four months ago she contacted me again and again I didn't respond (she basically said, if you don't respond, I won't bug you). This week, I got another email updating me on her life (married, work, etc.) and wants to know how I am, etc.

OK, clearly the delete key hasn't been the answer and since we still live in the same city and work in the same industry (medical research) there is a minute, but feasible possibility that I will run into her at a conference or some such event in the future.

I am recovering from some difficult personal matters as well as some medical issues and I don't have the time, energy or interest.

I am trying to be more honest in my life but I don't really know how to respond to her without this encouraging her to contact me again.

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff?

detune — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 09:32:24 -0800

Authoritative guide on manners, etiquette, and all that good stuff? I pride myself on being a fairly well-mannered guy, but I am sure there is always room for improvement. I went on Amazon to try and find a couple of decent books on proper manners and etiquette, but there's just too many to wade through, and there doesn't seem to be a consensus on what's good and what isn't. I am trying to see if there is a book or two that are considered sort of a gold standard (think Julia Child on introduction to French cuisine, for example). Any suggestions?

Should we invite the class?

LoriFLA — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 13:28:13 -0800

Birthday party etiquette question: Would it be in bad taste to invite my son's preschool classmates to his fifth birthday party? So far my child has been invited to two birthday parties this year. We didn't go to either. My child was sick and sleeping for the first party that was held earlier this year. I called the parent the morning of the party, apologized, and explained the situation. I'm glad we didn't go because the next day he had a rash. It was fifth disease. When I called, the mother said, "Oh I never knew you were coming in the first place." I left a message on her machine a week earlier stating that we would be there. She told me a couple days later that her husband had heard it and erased it on accident.

For the second party that was held a month or so ago, I completely forgot. I RSVPd, marked it on my calendar and I still forgot. I called and apologized that day and sent the present on the next school day.

Now it is time for my kid's birthday. I was going to just have a family party, but I kind of want to throw him a kid party. It is his fifth birthday and he has never had a party with kids, only family.

Would it be tacky to invite the class even though we missed these parties? There have been no other parties. The only two that we were invited to, we weren't there. The class is small, ten students including my child, and I want to invite everybody. Thanks for your input and advice.

Somehow-etiquetteFilter : a question on everything that surrounds it

Jireel — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:10:35 -0800

Related to This post on what defines sophistication, and as a student, i believe there may be people who would be interested in books on the topic (aside of non-verbal language books)... Especially those who wouldn't know how to read the vibes that come off the ones around them.

Would anyone know a book on classiness, sophistication, manners (not necessarily etiquette), and PC things, to hold to, in different environments, and regarding different settings ? (i.e family, in laws, school, grad school, "relaxed" hangout time with friends (when impressions, and therefore relationships can be at stake) ?
NB : I'm not in for infos on how to appear uptight, out of reach, or like a show off, but for this simple code that lets people appear genuine, easy-going, still with values, and open-minded enough to catch attention without ever looking for it.

(as a european, i have never heard and probably never will, hear of such a thing as classes on political correctness, etc..) but am simply looking out to decipher social codes better. Thank you for your infos, and any such manual you may know of. Oh, and yes, I have done drama in the past, and am aware of the many lessons it does teach ;)

Too many presents

serazin — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 10:28:50 -0800

My neighbor is very generous - too generous! Her young son and my kids play together fairly often, and each time my kids go to their house to visit, my neighbor sends my kids home with several gifts. Sometimes if she sees my kids playing in the back yard she just hands gifts over the fence. Last time it was a large tin of cookies, a box of Whoppers candies, and a Vitamin Water style drink. In the past gifts have included a hand-knit scarf, brand new clothes, a doll, a box of donuts, and a large plate of homemade fried chicken. At Lunar New Year she gave each of my kids ten bucks plus a box of sweet rolls. I don’t know this woman well at all. We’ve said ‘hi’ a few times but her English is limited and I don’t speak her language which I believe is Thai. I get the sense that our different expectations around gift giving are related to cultural differences (she’s an immigrant from SE Asia, I’m white, born and raised in California), and maybe also that she is just a particularly (or maybe compulsively) gift-giving person. I really want to be polite and respectful. I’d like my kids to get to keep playing with this neighbor kid. But I’m not into my kid eating all the junk food they send over and I’m uncomfortable with the volume of presents. At first I tried to reciprocate. After we received our first bag of gifts I sent over a plate of homemade donuts that I happened to be making, but I can’t possibly keep up with all of her gifts and now I’m afraid if I give them anything else I’ll just escalate the gift arms race! Now I shake my head “no”, cross my hands in front of myself, and smile and say “No Thank You” when I see the neighbor giving stuff to the kids and the neighbor just nods and smiles and keeps handing stuff over. Especially given our cultural and language differences, I’m just at a loss for how to deal with this conflict.

Help I've got to tell someone I won't be able to house sit!

redfusion — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:37:49 -0800

[House sitting filter] Currently house sitting about to start another house, but wait the current house wants me to stay longer. And of course the other household is already gone help! Please note they both have pets. I am currently house sitting for someone who I have house sat before. I was to house sit from the 7th until the 17th. I just got a call that she will be back today and that she wants to leave again on the 17th. I had no idea that she would leave again.

My only problem is that I will start house sitting for someone else that day and wont be able to anymore for current house. The new house was an emergency due to the person they were going to have house sit for them bail out on them. And like I said I had NO idea the current house would want to leave again.

How do I politely tell her I wont be able to do it. It wouldn't be such a hassle if I wasn't working full time and starting a 3 credit course next week. Please note they both have pets, that must be walked and fed each day, plus the households prefer that I stay at the house and spend the night each day.

I was thinking of checking on both houses daily if she can't find someone.

Thanks in advance!!

Who? Me???

Anonymous — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:07:53 -0800

What is it called when someone pretends to be all innocent, when they clearly aren't? For example, someone is continuously brushing you off, making snide comments... then when you confront them about it, or ask them what is wrong, they act like it's all in your head. (And often act insulted by the implication.) Also, how do you deal with someone like this?

I know someone who does this (unconsciously, I believe), but I'm becoming very fed up with it.

What's the least rude way to un-invite a weird lady?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 12:54:38 -0800

I'm having a gathering, and a really strange woman has declared that she'll be there wearing a face mask, rubber gloves, and wielding hand sanitizers. How can I politely tell her I don't want her there? I'm having a semi-large gathering at my house (20-40 people), and I sent out the invitation to a mailing list of people I mostly know. A woman I don't know said that she really wants to come, but that she wants to make sure there won't be any sick people there. I'm already kind of worried about space issues, so I told her there would be a lot of people in a not-huge space, and that some of them were sure to be sick. She replied and said she's still coming, but that she'll bring her face mask, rubber gloves, and hand sanitizer.

At this point I don't want her to come at all, even if she doesn't bring the face mask. I need to say something firm enough that she can't argue back and say she'll come anyway, but polite enough that she won't go ballistic and badmouth me to all of our mutual acquaintances.

One of my co-hosts suggested I say something like "Hi, we've discussed it and we feel that someone wearing a face mask and rubber gloves would be off-putting to our other guests, and disruptive to the atmosphere we want. If you're really that worried about getting sick, we'd prefer you not come. Thanks!"

What do you think?